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THE ART OF

EXTRAORDINARY

CONFIDENCE

_____________

YOUR ULTIMATE PATH TO

LOVE, WEALTH, AND

FREEDOM

Copyright ©2016 by Aziz Gazipura

No part of this book may be reproduced

without written permission from the publisher

or copyright holders, expect for a reviewer who

may quote brief passages in a review; nor may

any part of this book be reproduced, stored in a

retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or

by any means electronic, mechanical,

photocopying, recording or other, without

written permission from the publisher or

copyright holders.

B. C. Allen Publishing

1500 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

Portland, OR, 97214

bcallenpublishing@gmail.com

The Center For Social Confidence

4347 NE Sumner St.

Portland, Oregon, 97218

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com

Cover and interior layout: Olivia Storm

ISBN: 978-0-9889798-5-7

Neither the publisher nor the author are

engaged in rendering professional advice or

serves to the individual reader. The ideas,

procedures, and suggestions contained in this

book are not intended as a substitute for

consulting with your physician or licensed

mental health professional. All matters

regarding your health require medical

supervision. Neither the authors nor the

publisher shall be liable or responsible for any

loss or damage allegedly arising from any

information or suggestion in this book.

While the author has made every effort to

provide accurate Internet addresses at the time

of publication, neither the publisher nor the

author assume any responsibility for errors, or

for changes that occur after publication.

To Christian, Candace, Zaim, and

Arman – thank you for teaching me how

to do more, love more, and be bigger.

ALSO BY DR. AZIZ

GAZIPURA

Books:

The Solution To Social Anxiety

Confidence Training Programs:

The Confidence Unleashed System

The Confidence Code

30 Days To Dating Mastery

E-books:

5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner

Confidence

3 Ways To Enjoy Parties (Even If You’re

Shy)

How To Overcome Your Fear Of Public

Speaking

7 Tips To Becoming A Conversation

Master

Becoming Irresistible

Rejection-Proof: 5 Ways To Become

Unfazed By Rejection

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

PREFACE

WARNINGS

I.

STEP UP

II.

EXCUSES

III.

STORIES

IV.

FEAR

V.

ACTION

VI.

MONEY

VII.

LOVE

VIII.

ASKING

IX.

POWER

X.

NOW

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ADDITIONAL

RESOURCES

FOREWORD

Imagine if you could take a magic potion

that would cause people to take notice

and listen to you more, make the

opposite sex immediately more attracted

to you, and make more people want to be

your friend. This potion would also help

you land better job offers, job

promotions, and all sort of other

opportunities, and allow you to enjoy a

better life than you’ve ever lived so far.

That magic potion is confidence.

Confidence is more attractive than

money or good looks. It automatically

causes others to feel safer and to trust us

more. And it is a powerful tool of

influence. If you put two people in a

room and have them discuss an issue, the

person with more confidence is most

likely going to prevail. Confidence is

like a super power that gets you what

you want out of life.

Most people think that confidence is

just something you’re born with. They

think, “some people are confident, and

some people just aren’t.” But the secret

truth is that confidence is something that

can be created, and it’s something that

can be lost. Most people think that if

they lose their confidence, then nothing

can be done about that either. But there

is a system and a science to creating

confidence. And once you know this

system, and once you learn the keys to

creating confidence at will, your whole

life can change and get massively better

right now.

As a young man, I spent many years

of my life with very little confidence

around friends and peers. Confidence

seemed to come and go depending on the

prevailing wind. If something good

happened, if I could make people laugh,

then I’d think, “I guess I’m good, I’m

funny.” If something bad happened, or if

people didn’t like me, I’d think, “I’m so

dumb, nobody likes me.” I certainly did

not grow up with a lot of confidence. I

had to learn how to do so, and I’m

thankful I did.

With confidence I’ve been able to

influence and inspire others to invest in

themselves through my programs. I’ve

been able to step up on stage, lead live

events, and reach more people than I

ever would have imagined. I’ve been

able to become a multimillionaire and

grow my company to over four million

dollars per year in revenue.

With confidence I’ve become peers

and friends with highly influential

people. I met my wife, who I’ve been

with for 11 years and have three amazing

daughters with. Confidence is the key

that unlocks the doors and gets you all

the things you want in life.

Over the years I’ve seen there is a

difference between being confident and

being

overly-confident,

cocky,

or

arrogant. With real, pure confidence,

people are more likeable. And Dr. Aziz

is one of the most likeable people I’ve

ever met.

I’ve seen how Aziz continually faces

his own fears and courageously works

through his own insecurities to create

more and more confidence in himself.

I’ve seen him use that confidence to

inspire others, grow a highly successful

business, and become a bestselling

author on the topic of confidence. If

there’s anyone I’d want to learn

confidence from, I’d want it to be Aziz.

And this book is loaded with ideas

and strategies that you can immediately

implement to get more confidence. In

fact, just by reading it, you will get more

confidence. No matter who you are, this

is the book for you. Enjoy.

Christian Mickelsen

San Diego, 2016

PREFACE

Writing this book made me cringe.

Some

sections

were

so

uncomfortable to write, they made me

squirm in my seat. I wanted to go back

and clean them up, polish them until all

the raw edges were hidden. I wanted to

make myself look better. But I didn’t.

Because this book is about being

fully yourself. It’s about the path to

extraordinary

confidence,

which

requires courage, vulnerability, bold

action, and heart. And it would be a

little ironic if I taught this stuff but was

too scared to do it myself.

So in this book you will find the full

spectrum of life. You will discover the

world’s most powerful tools, insights,

and

strategies

for

transforming

confidence that I’ve accumulated over

the last fourteen years in my relentless

quest for ever-increasing levels of

confidence and mastery. You will learn

from stories, exercises, and games how

to apply this transformation in your life

immediately, so you can instantly reap

the benefits of more self-confidence.

And, most importantly, you will see

what confidence really looks like. You

will see how the path to great

confidence

is

not

in

becoming

invincible, flawless, and seemingly

perfect. But rather, it is in embracing

your humanity, in all its messy glory and

tender vulnerability.

It is my hope that my stories of

falling short, failing, and otherwise

being far from perfect will help you see

the beauty in your own imperfections. I

hope you will see that extraordinary

confidence

is

not

some

distant

destination that occurs when you’ve

been expunged of all your flaws, but is

something that is available right now, in

this very moment. All you need is

willingness and heart.

If you are willing to do whatever it

takes, then there is no end to the level of

confidence, love, wealth, and freedom

you can experience in your life. I can’t

wait to begin this journey with you.

Love,

Aziz

Portland, Oregon

2016

WARNING!

This

book

will

make

you

uncomfortable…and that’s a good thing.

Why? Because comfort is killing you.

Well, actually it’s your quest for comfort

that’s killing you. Your addiction to

comfort is what leads you to avoid

anything that makes you feel uncertain,

nervous, or scared.

That said, this book is not about

comfort. It’s about freedom. Expansion.

Growth. Income. Purpose. Passion. This

book is about getting uncomfortable,

because the moment you choose to move

towards what makes you feel more

alive, instead of what makes you feel

more comfortable, your entire world

will change.

Give it a try. At first you might curse

me.

What?

Who

knew

being

uncomfortable would be so damn

uncomfortable? But once you get past

the initial discomfort of leaving your

comfort zone, you will thank me. For

giving you this little push. This little

love tap.

Ready to begin? Turn the page and

your life will never be the same again…

SECOND WARNING!

Look out! This book contains some

cursing in it. I sometimes use strong

language with clients to emphasize a

point or to make them laugh. I found this

can interrupt negative patterns of

thinking and put people at ease. It can

also help them become more relaxed,

playful, and flexible as they challenge

old beliefs and take new actions. I

would like to do the same with you.

So when you come across the

occasional curse word, don’t be

alarmed. My intention is not to offend or

be vulgar, but rather to help create a

greater impact so you can more rapidly

grow

towards

the

extraordinary

confidence and freedom you want in

your life.

FINAL WARNING!!! (This one’s

serious)

I don’t know about you, but when I

purchase a non-fiction book I typically

only read or listen to the first three to

four chapters. Once in a blue moon I’ll

listen to the whole thing cover to cover,

but that’s pretty rare. Of course that

means I’m not getting all the good stuff

that’s in the later chapters of those

books, but I’m too excitable and after a

few chapters I feel like I get the gist and

am ready to move on to the next thing.

I urge you to not do that with this

book, and here’s why: this book is about

inspiring you to break through to a higher

level of self-confidence than you’ve

ever experienced in your life, then

teaching you how to sustain that

confidence so it just becomes part of

who you are and how you show up in the

world; until it becomes part of your

identity.

This isn’t a fluffy magazine article

with a four-point confidence-building

check-list and a few tips. It’s the most

powerful, deep-dive into confidence

creation that you may have ever taken in

your life. In order to make this book

truly transformational, the first several

chapters are going to guide you through

the layers of excuses, stories, and other

muck that’s been stopping you from

having the confidence you should be

living your life with.

Only once those barriers are cleared

out of the way will you have a shot at

truly living your potential by breaking

through fears, eliminating hesitation,

becoming rejection-proof, and taking

bold action in all areas of your life.

Keeping those potentially life-

changing outcomes in mind, if you read

Chapters One through Three and then

stop, you won’t really get much out of

this book, let alone the tools needed to

create

a

significant

and

lasting

difference. You’ll have some new

understanding about what’s stopping you

from living your best life and what might

be sabotaging your confidence. You

might even feel inspired to do something

about it. But you won’t have smashed

through the barriers that are holding you

back today. You’ll still be living in the

exact same patterns, getting the exact

same results, and feeling the exact same

way: stuck, frustrated, and unsatisfied.

And, worse still, you may then be

carrying with you the new story of, Oh, I

tried that stuff and it doesn’t work. So

now I am even more certain I’m

destined to be this way forever…

About one out of every five people I

coach makes this mistake. And this

mistake can be like a mini death. It can

lead to a greater sense of hopelessness

and frustration. People who make this

mistake want to get some intellectual

understanding from a safe distance. They

want to read the first two chapters of the

recent self-help title on the best-seller

list and hope this small and painless

effort will work some magic in their

lives. They don’t want to risk taking

action, trying something new, and getting

hurt or disappointed. And so, ultimately,

they don’t really want confidence (at

least not as much as they want comfort

and safety).

Don’t be that guy, and if you’re a gal,

don’t be that guy either. Be the one who

commits to staying on the boat until we

reach the other shore. Be the one who

uses this book to change your life

forever. Be the one who steps up, takes

bold action, and creates a life of

extraordinary confidence.

CHAPTER I:

______

STEP UP

Leaders aren’t born, they are forged.

YOU ARE MEANT FOR

MORE

It’s true. You are.

I don’t care what anyone has told

you. What discouraging, disempowering,

junky beliefs you’ve picked up from

your family, from society, or from

anyone else who told you otherwise.

You. Yes, you.

You are good enough. You are

skilled enough. You are intelligent

enough. And you have enough heart. You

are meant for more.

You are NOT meant to live your life

avoiding all major risks, trying to safely

make it to your grave. You are not meant

to work at a job you hate, or don’t like,

or that’s “not so bad and pays the bills, I

guess. ” You are not meant to stay way

longer than you ever wanted to in an

industry that sucks your soul dry.

You are not meant to make just

enough money to live paycheck to

paycheck. You are not meant to live a

life where your career dictates every

moment of your day and your hourly

wage turns out to be thirty-four cents.

You are not meant to live a lonely

single

life

because

“there’s

just

something wrong with me. ” You are not

meant to live in a relationship where the

love died years ago but you’re staying in

it out of fear of never finding someone

else, or worse, “for the kids. ”

You are not meant to live a life of

fear, stress, self-doubt, and self-

criticism. You are not meant to dread

social interactions, to second-guess

everything you say, and to live in fear of

what others think of you. You are not

meant to be afraid of others and worried

about whether anyone could be upset

with you.

You are not meant to live a life

where you are held back from doing

what you love, making lots of money

doing

it,

and

enjoying

awesome

relationships on top of it. You are not

meant to live a life filled with thoughts

of “someday,” excuses, and postponed

dreams.

Now is the time.

It is the time to step up and see what

you are really here for. I know that you

know you’re not on this planet for all the

garbage I just listed. I know it because

you’re reading this book. I know it

because you’ve made it this far. Shit, I

know it because you have a beating heart

in your chest.

You are here to do something else,

perhaps something big. You are here to

give something to the world that only

you can give. To share your special gifts,

your energy, your enthusiasm, your

passion, and your light.

I don’t know exactly what form that

will take, but I can promise you one

thing: you do. Once we clear out the

excuses, the false stories, and the fear,

and replace them with pure boldness and

extraordinary confidence, your passion

and your purpose will explode out of

you. You won’t be able to help yourself.

You won’t be able to stop.

And other people will see this and

be drawn to you. They will show up to

support you in your mission. To align

with you. To love and encourage you

along the way. To cheer you on.

Yours may be a Grand Purpose that

touches thousands or millions of people

across the earth. It may be a Noble

Purpose that deeply impacts those

closest to you: your partner, your

children, your friends and family.

Neither is better or worse. It’s just more

or less you. More or less what you’re

here to do. That’s what this book is all

about. To get you to do what you’re here

to do. And confidence is the golden key.

DARE TO DREAM

What do you want?

What do you really want?

Take a second to think about this.

You may have done so in the past, or

when you started your new job or

created your business, or on December

31st of the last year. But do it again now.

Right in this moment, if you could get

anything you wanted out of your

business, your finances, your health,

your time, your emotions, your love life,

your relationships, your friendships…

What would it be?

Before you sigh, roll your eyes, or

flip the page, hold on for a second. Most

of us have been conditioned not to

dream. At least not very big. But small

goals merit small outcomes, modest

incomes, and “good enough” results.

Most of us ask for just enough to show

that we’re good enough, but not too

great. We fear being perceived as too

big headed, grand, greedy, or offensive

to anyone, so we don’t risk much in

terms of goal-setting.

Or we’ve bought into the bullshit

beliefs in our heads (and many other

peoples’) that we can’t pull it off. It’s

impossible. We don’t have the skills,

intelligence,

money,

connections,

education, or credentials. We’re not

attractive,

charming,

desirable,

or

worthwhile enough to achieve our

wildest dreams, so we don’t even allow

ourselves to dream them.

Don’t worry about those scary and

depressing stories you’ve been telling

yourself. Over the next few chapters

we’ll eliminate all that nonsense so you

can freely flow towards whatever makes

you feel alive and full of energy. But

before we do that, we have to identify

what it is you actually want.

In fact, put down this book for a few

minutes and really think about what that

is. You could even set a timer on your

phone for four minutes, then close your

eyes, and imagine. If you could have

anything, do anything, be anything… if

you had unlimited confidence in

yourself, what would you create in your

life? If you knew that you could not fail,

what would you go after?

Do that now, and I’ll see you in four

minutes.

Hold Nothing Back

Welcome back. What did you come up

with? Was it a short list or a long list?

Was it easy to come up with ideas, or

did

it

feel

challenging

and

uncomfortable?

Did you hold back? Were there some

things that you wanted that sounded

“better” than others? Did you leave

some things off because they made you

look silly, foolish, greedy, or otherwise

“bad”?

Forget about sounding good, looking

good, or pleasing others. Forget about

being a “good person” or being spiritual,

or anything that takes you further away

from your authentic self. Because guess

what? Everything you desire is good.

Even if it’s for “less noble” motivations

like impressing others, feeling good

enough, or getting even to “show that son

of a bitch he was wrong.”

All of your desires are good because

they drive you. Your desire drives you to

step up, to be big, and to break through

the fears and doubts that are holding you

back. It gives you energy, fuel,

motivation, and power. Your desire

gives you purpose.

The beauty of it all is that as you

grow, your motives will become more

expansive, more universally beneficial

for yourself as well as for others. You’ll

be driven by things like love, variety,

and wanting to make a contribution to the

world.

So don’t worry about how noble or

admirable your desires are currently.

Start where you’re at by simply

acknowledging what you actually want

in this moment. Be honest. If you can’t

be honest with yourself, then you’re in

for a long, confusing road through life.

Let’s start with the big stuff that

almost everyone wants: love, money,

and freedom. Do you want more love in

your life? Do you want to feel free and

confident to put yourself out there, enjoy

dating, and attract an amazing partner?

Do you want to find the love of your life

and create a life together? I started that

journey with my wife, Candace, about

five years ago and -- wow! It’s more

awesome than I could have ever

imagined.

Maybe you’re in a relationship and

it’s not going that well. What do you

want from it right now? More love, more

time together, more sex, more close

feelings of connection and joy? Or are

you on the other end of the spectrum and

wanting to leave your relationship?

Have you been planning your escape for

two years? Are you holding on to a

piece of driftwood because you’re

scared that if you let go you’ll never

make it to that tropical island paradise?

Here’s a taboo that we often gloss

over: what about sex? Do you want to

feel more confident sexually? More

attractive, powerful, desirable, and

lovable? Do you want to feel more free

to flirt, touch, and enjoy sex without

self-consciousness, fear, or shame?

Really imagine what you want in

your love life. Hold nothing back.

Let’s keep the taboos rolling—what

about money? How much money do you

want to be earning per month? How

about per year? How big do you want

your business to be? How many people

do you want on your team? If you work

for a corporation, what level of

management do you want to be at?

Department manager? Senior VP? COO?

CEO? Where do you want to live? What

kind of house do you want to live in?

Does this sound too materialistic?

Too greedy? Are you telling yourself

these goals are impossible for someone

like you anyway, so why even imagine

them?

Whatever doubts or insecurities are

popping up in your mind right now, don’t

worry about them. In fact, try not to even

pay attention to them. We’ll deal with all

the self-doubt and fears and negative

beliefs plaguing you, as we get into this

book. For now, focus back on the dream,

the vision. Focus on whatever makes you

feel excited, maybe even a little nervous.

What if I could earn this much? Whoa.

That’s right. Focus on that.

What else do you want from life? A

deeper relationship with your children?

More close friends? More time? A

stronger sense of freedom to do what

you want with your time? Do you want

to only do what you love and be freed up

from working just to pay the bills? Do

you dream of creating your role in your

business or company so that you do only

what you enjoy doing and outsource the

rest?

Perhaps regularly feeling a sense of

peace and relaxed confidence is

something you want. What if your new

normal meant feeling confident and

comfortable in your own skin, regardless

of who you spoke with or what you did.

Meeting new people, dealing with

customer

service

representatives,

making sales, giving a presentation to a

large group - what if you experienced all

of those moments with a sense of peace,

excitement, and purpose? What if you

didn’t doubt yourself, criticize yourself,

or second-guess every decision you

made? What if you believed in yourself

and trusted that you could handle

whatever life sent your way?

Now, wait a second. Before you start

with that “impossible” stuff again, stick

with

me.

We’re

not

in

the

implementation phase yet. We’re still in

the dreaming phase. Don’t shut anything

down. You, like all of us, are terrible at

determining what is really possible or

impossible for yourself. The reality is

that you have no idea what you can

actually do. So let your mind explore

these dreams and be guided by that

excited, expansive feeling in your chest.

That’s your heart coming alive.

In fact, let’s go bigger.

GO BIGGER

After having talked to thousands of

people about this kind of stuff, it seems

pretty clear to me that most people do

not let themselves dream very big. The

average person seems to dream at fifty

percent capacity, at most. Some people

dream at an even lower capacity,

dreaming at five or ten percent of what

makes them feel excited and alive.

That’s only five to ten percent of what

they could do, experience, give, and be

in this life. Even the big, bold people

who’ve done this kind of stuff a lot are

still usually maxing out at fifty or sixty

percent of what they could truly ask for

and achieve.

I think this is because on some level

we were all fed a hefty dose of “Who do

you think you are?” as kids. Whether it

was from our teachers, peers, siblings,

or sadly, our parents, many of us got the

message to not stand out, to not be

extraordinary. This kind of message

made it uncomfortable for us to see

ourselves as big, special, and powerful.

In fact, it makes most people feel

squeamish and uncomfortable, even as

adults. It makes them feel warm, tingly,

and a little sweaty.

You might be thinking, but wait, what

about the guy who says, “I want to be a

billionaire.” Isn’t he going closer to 100

percent of his financial potential at

least? Yes, there’s always a guy (or girl)

in the crowd who is going for the big B.

As we did this exercise, you might have

discovered that you are that guy. And

that’s cool. What I’ve found though, is

that usually that person is just trying it on

to see how it feels. It’s kind of risky,

significant, and exciting to say you want

to be a billionaire. It might even make

you feel better than others for a moment.

You might get a sense of satisfaction in

thinking, My goals are bigger than your

goals.

But I’ve found very few people who

actually truly want that and have a deep

desire to contribute enough to the world

to receive that much in return. And that’s

because in order to earn a billion

dollars,

you

have

to

deliver

astronomical value to the world first. If

that’s part of your purpose and your

mission, then you’ll do it.

My point here is that we all dream

much smaller than we could. We all

perceive our potential as much, much

lower than it really is. To be clear,

dreaming big is not necessarily about

size or a number. Going big isn’t about

getting tons more. It’s about the impact

your dreams will make.

Going big for you can be about being

an incredible parent who so profoundly

loves and guides your children that they

are set on a course to be all they can be.

It can be about earning a decent living

while doing what you truly love and

having lots of free time to enjoy your

family, friends, and hobbies. It can be

about mastering your confidence in

dating so that you have a deep sense of

trust in your ability to attract the perfect

partner for you into your life. Going big

can be about exploding your business,

skyrocketing your income and having a

massive impact on the world.

So what does dreaming big mean for

you?

Power Questions

Here are a handful of powerful questions

you can ask yourself to break through the

invisible ceiling that’s keeping you from

dreaming bigger. Read each one and then

pause for a few moments. Put the book

down. Close your eyes, take a few deep

breaths, and really think about how

you’d answer it.

•

If you had all the confidence in

the world, what would you do?

•

If you knew you could not fail,

what would you try?

•

If all work paid the same, how

would you most want to spend

your day?

•

If you could design your ideal

day, what would you do? How

would you start the day? What

activities would you fill it with?

•

How much time do you want to

spend with your family? Your

spouse? Your friends? By

yourself?

•

How much money do you want to

earn?

Whatever you came up with for that

last one, try doubling it. Does that make

you nervous? Excited? Uncomfortable?

Does it seem far-fetched, unrealistic,

bad, wrong, or greedy? Good! That

means you are dreaming outside of your

comfort zone and part of you is getting

scared, so it’s coming up with stories,

excuses and judgments.

IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE?

Yes. Yes it is. Next chapter.

Oh, ok, I’ll spend more time talking

about this. Is this possible? is a question

our minds ask all too often. More often,

in fact, our minds don’t even ask a

question like that, they just say, That’s

not possible for me. We spend a lot of

time categorizing our desires and dreams

into two camps: possible or impossible,

with most of the really good stuff ending

up in the impossible camp.

The strange thing is, these decisions

are totally arbitrary. They are made up.

Our mind is a terrible future-prediction

machine. There have been dozens, if not

hundreds of moments when my mind has

told me in no uncertain terms, You

cannot do that. It absolutely will not

happen.

Here are just a few items on the long

list of the “impossible” my mind has

predicted in the past:

•

It’s impossible for the women

you find really attractive to want

to be with you.

•

You cannot sustain a lasting,

loving relationship with an

amazing woman.

•

No one will buy your book.

•

No one will invest in your

training programs.

•

No one will pay you for

coaching/training.

•

That group coaching program

will never fill.

…and on and on. And guess what?

Every single one of those predictions

above was completely false. Instead of

believing them, I took action towards

what I wanted and the exact opposite of

what my doubtful mind said would

happen, happened.

Have

you

ever

done

the

“impossible”? Have you ever achieved

or experienced something that your mind

told you would never happen, or that you

couldn’t do?

Of course you have. Unless you’ve

lived a life of total restriction and fear

and never challenged the edge of your

comfort zone. If that’s the case, good

God I’m glad you are reading this book.

Life can be 1,000 times better than it’s

been for you so far.

You have to stop believing your

mind when it says something is

impossible.

It’s

not

an

accurate

statement. That is just fear talking. Your

mind is terrified by the uncertainty of

life outside of your comfort zone. It will

say whatever it can to get you safely

back into that comfort zone, with the

covers pulled up over your head. You

will learn all about this (and how to

break free from this habit) in Chapter

Four.

But let’s go back to this question for

a second: Is it really possible?

My answer is yes, if you are

committed to the following two things. If

you do these (and this book will show

you how), then your success is

inevitable:

1. Be willing to do whatever it

takes.

2. Do whatever it takes.

That’s it. When you are in the process of

doing these two things, you can achieve

the impossible. And you can do so

rapidly. The only thing that stops you

from doing whatever it takes is fear.

Once you have that handled and you’ve

made friends with your fear so it no

longer holds you back, you can make

rapid progress towards your dreams.

Even the big, “impossible, that will

never happen” dreams. Those are the

best ones.

MY STORY: SUB-

AVERAGE

TO SUPER CONFIDENT

How dare I claim “super confidence”??

That phrase makes me smile because it

reminds me of an old Looney Tunes

cartoon with Bugs Bunny and Wile E.

Coyote. Wile E. decides he’s done trying

to catch the Road Runner and turns his

sights towards Bugs. He formally

informs Bug Bunny that he is now going

to outsmart him, catch him, and eat him

(which of course he never does).

Throughout the episode he keeps

referring to himself as “Wile E. Coyote:

Super-Genius.”

I’d say that just by stating that I’m

super confident demonstrates that I do in

fact have a lot confidence. But I didn’t

always. And that’s important to know for

many reasons. One, it can help you

realize that I understand where you are

coming from. I’ve been there, too. I

know every aspect of social anxiety,

shyness, and low confidence. I know the

feelings

of

inferiority,

insecurity,

constant comparison, self-loathing, and

fear. Ugh.

I’m not speaking from the detached

place of someone who’s always been

naturally confident. No, no, no. I had to

claw my way there. And I learned a

great deal along each step of the journey,

and continue to do so to this day.

Based on my own transformation,

and the ones I’ve seen in hundreds of

clients, no matter where you are right

now, I can say with complete certainty

that you can greatly increase your

confidence in yourself. There is no doubt

in my mind.

I’d say I started at Sub-Average. In

this stage, I was riddled with social

anxiety, I was uncomfortable talking to

people I didn’t know, I constantly

compared myself to other people and

found myself to be inferior, and I didn’t

believe in my capacity to pursue a

career I liked or earn the kind of money I

wanted to earn. Oh, and I also thought I

was horribly unattractive and that no

woman who had her life together would

want to be in a relationship with me (let

alone date, or even talk to me).

I played a lot of video games,

smoked a fair amount of pot, and hung

out with my several guy friends (playing

video games and smoking pot). That part

was pretty fun. If I hadn’t been so

depressed about my career and dating

prospects, it would have been great.

I existed within my comfort zone. If

something scared me, I completely

avoided it. I lacked so much confidence

that I didn’t even actively avoid things, I

just never allowed myself the option to

do things that may have scared me. It’s

not like I considered whether or not I

would approach that attractive woman

or speak up in a group of people. Those

actions were foreign to me and

completely off my map: I didn’t even

consider them. I didn’t like myself that

much, so I used to criticize others a ton,

just to feel temporarily better about

myself. Never to their face of course, I

was

too

terrified

and

non-

confrontational to do that. No, it was

always in my head or with one of my guy

friends. That’s how I’d describe sub-

average.

Then, I had a moment when my life

changed forever.

Having just worked up the courage

over a period of months to ask a woman

out, only to receive a polite no, I sat in

my room, discouraged and hopeless. To

make matters worse, I could hear the

sweet laughter of a woman coming from

my housemate’s bedroom. He always

seemed to have a woman who was

interested in him. I was awash in envy,

hopelessness, and pain.

I sat there stewing in the land of

“never” and “impossible” feeling more

and more discouraged. To escape from

the negative spiral of pessimism, I

decided to flick on my current favorite

game at the time: Warcraft III. At least I

could defeat some other nerd across the

country to temporarily feel better.

But as the game loaded, something

happened inside of me, and I’ll never

forget it. It was a squeezing right in my

solar plexus, in the center of my body. I

could feel energy running to my hands,

as if I was getting geared up for a soccer

game or a fight. Crystal clear and

unmistakable, one word flashed into my

mind with shocking force: NO.

I instantly closed the game’s loading

screen, opened up my internet browser,

and began my search for a solution. My

life was never the same again.

Looking back, I know that in that

moment, something bigger was calling

me to step up to the things that were

challenging me in life. The ancient

Greeks had a concept of something

called a Daemon. It is a spirit or entity

that is attached to you when you are

born. The Daemon’s sole mission is to

make sure that you live out your purpose.

It knows what you’re here to do and it

will guide you there. Sometimes the

Daemon guides you through pleasant

means

and

encouragement,

and

sometimes by making you feel terrible

when you’re not doing what you’re on

earth to do.

Well, my Daemon gave me a swift

kick in the pants that night and got me on

the right track. From that moment on, I

was no longer dabbling in or just

considering solutions to my problems. I

was ready to tackle them head on. I

didn’t even know how to change, or

what steps to follow, but I was ready to

do whatever it would take to change my

circumstances.

Since that night, I have been

voraciously studying and applying

everything I can learn about maximizing

confidence. At the time of writing this

book it’s been thirteen years since I

began this practice, and I don’t show any

signs of stopping or slowing down.

Through applying what you will

learn in this book, I went from a place of

feeling uncomfortable and inferior most

of the time to feeling excited, inspired,

and alive. There are so many things I do

on a daily basis now that I never thought

I would be able to do.

I interact with people all day long,

speak in front of a camera, record my

voice, and share what I’ve written with

the world. I engage in daily sales

conversations, hear lots of “nos” and get

rejected all of the time. I speak in front

of groups, large and small. I work with

people in positions of power and

authority and feel equal to them. I speak

with, interview, and am friends with

people who I used to think were so much

better than I was because they were

more confident, more successful, or

earned more money.

I am completely comfortable starting

conversations with anyone, and I can

make people laugh and put them at ease.

I can speak up in groups and share

stories. I know how to engage, connect,

and flirt with women. I have a beautiful,

amazing wife who is supportive, loving,

wise,

and

inspiring.

And

our

relationship is full of love, connection,

sex (although a little less now with two

kids under two years old), and joy.

Now before I get put on a pedestal, I

must inform you that I am not perfect. I

have bad days. I get stressed out and

pissed off. I can feel insecure, take a

rejection hard, and sometimes doubt

myself and think that I can’t do

something.

But overall, my center of gravity —

where I spend the majority of my time —

is in a place of inspired confidence,

action, and service. It’s pretty awesome.

I’m not saying this stuff to brag. I’m

sharing this to inspire you to step up and

do the same. If you’re reading this book,

then the same force that’s guiding me is

guiding you.

There’s nothing magical or special

about me that is any different than the

power that is inside of you. And no

matter where you are starting, you can

tap into that power to get to the next

level. It can give you the confidence to

break through any barriers in your way

and blast into a whole new level of

achievement, income, love, and joy. If I

can do it, so can you.

To learn more about my journey and

the five simple steps I took to transform

my

confidence

level,

go

to,

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com

WRITE IT DOWN

Feeling inspired? Great! Capitalize on

that. Write those goals and dreams

down.

Whatever came to your mind that

excited you, that made you feel more

alive, write those down. For a few

minutes, forget the words unreasonable

or impossible. By the end of this book

you won’t even understand those beliefs

in the same way. You’ll be ready to take

on more than you ever imagined, so

you’ll want to be going for something

that really excites you. Write those ideas

down, in specific detail.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the

classic text, Think And Grow Rich by

Napoleon Hill, right? I remember

listening to an audio version of that many

years ago that sounded like it was

recorded in the 1950s. The reader had

this tone of news anchor mixed with

1950s Tide detergent commercial, which

always made me smile. In that book, Hill

emphasized that every successful person

is very clear on their goals, and reads

them out loud every morning, then again

before bed.

I sat in my room listening to the Tide

detergent man tell me how to transform

my life, saying something along the lines

of: “Using the powerful principle of

auto-suggestion, you can program your

sub-conscious mind to carry out your

goals

by

aligning

with

infinite

intelligence.”

Harness the power of Infinite

Intelligence you say? That sounded

pretty good to me. Being the good

student, I wrote all of my goals down

and read them out loud every morning

and every night… for three nights. If you

can do it for longer than that, I’m sure

that’s better and more effective. I can’t

speak to that. But I do know that I have

written down my vision for what I want

for myself dozens of times in my life.

And the vision for what I want in my life

has come true over and over again.

So whether you want to read your

goals twice each day, like brushing your

teeth, or you want to turn them into a

collage and paste them all over your

steering wheel, it’s up to you. All I know

is, write those goals and dreams down.

Napoleon Hill says it’s good shit.

THE PATH TO GLORY

Now that you have clarity around what

you actually want, we can focus the rest

of this book on how to get there. A key

component of creating these outcomes

and living an extraordinary life is

confidence. Confidence in yourself, in

your ability to relate to others effectively

and in your ability to take repeated,

decisive action.

The rest of this book is laid out in a

specific way that is most effective for

achieving rapid breakthroughs and

massive progress. First, we will identify

and remove the two protective layers

that keep ninety five percent of people

from boldly stepping up and creating the

life they want: Excuses and Stories.

After we’ve identified the Excuses

and Stories we’ll dive into the force that

really stops us. The root of all

hesitation, inaction, self-sabotage, doubt,

self-criticism, and anything else that

stops us from being fully alive is Fear. In

Chapter Four you will learn exactly how

to face this beast head on so it never

stops you again.

Once you’ve removed the obstacles

in your path and learned how to face

fear, we can jump in with both feet.

You’ll discover the magical secret to

getting anything you want in life, from

confidence, power and love, to money,

success and material abundance: Action.

Repeated, unfaltering action. Even

though we want all these things in our

lives, many of us have some messed up

ideas in our heads about having them.

From sales and money, to power and

love, we’ll help you remove the

confusion, inner blocks, and insecurities

that make getting and keeping these

things difficult.

The results of this journey are

profound and lead to an extraordinary

life. Not just externally, in terms of

financial or relationship success, but

internally. This journey is one that leads

to true internal success: confidence,

freedom,

love,

wealth,

joy,

and

happiness. Because most of us have

found that after a moderate amount of

external success we quickly realize

that’s not all that we’re after. That it

doesn’t bring the happiness and joy we

seek. That kind of fulfillment comes

from facing our fears, breaking through

perceived limitations, and doing what

we once thought was impossible.

CHAPTER II:

______

EXCUSES

EXCUSE CITY

Easy for you to say.

You don’t know what it’s like.

The economy is terrible.

I don’t have any marketable skills.

It’s too competitive.

Someone else has already done it

(better).

It’s not fair.

All the good ones are taken.

My parents treated me like crap.

My ex-wife criticized me.

Those lucky bastards were born into

successful families.

I was born poor with no connections.

I could go on for thirty pages. Every

single one of these excuses is a direct

quote I’ve heard from one of my clients.

Do you recognize any of these? What are

some of your favorites? Any one of these

your go-to refrain? Your chorus? Your

mantra?

For me, for many years it was,

someone else has already done it better,

so why bother? And guess what? We

haven’t even gotten into stories yet.

What’s the difference between stories

and excuses? You’ll find out in a few

pages. For now, let’s talk about excuses.

THOSE LUCKY

BASTARDS

I sat there in my office, waiting in

silence. I had a strong urge to speak, but

I knew better. In my earbuds I could hear

the wind blowing on the other end of the

line. He had told me he was doing our

session during his lunch hour while

standing in an open field near his office.

Work had been crushing him and he

was desperate to shift his relationships

and results in the company. While he

was excited about creating his own

business, he had stalled out in that

process as well. He began the session

with half a dozen excuses as to why none

of his plans could possibly work out. He

couldn’t change anything at work

because everyone there was selfish and

just protecting themselves. He couldn’t

grow his own business because he didn’t

have the right connections and nothing he

ever did would make any money

anyway.

After he shared all of these with me,

I said, “Wow, it sounds like you feel

pretty stuck and hopeless about your

current situation. What are you hoping

for from our conversation today?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I just

want to have a different perspective. I

want to find a way out.”

We talked for a while about this, but

it seemed apparent we weren’t getting

anywhere, so I said, “It seems like part

of you wants to feel more free and

excited, and another part of you is angry

and wants to blame everyone and

everything for your current suffering.” I

was a little nervous saying it because I

always am when I cut through to the

heart of things and honestly state my

perspective. The “old nice guy”

programming in me gets nervous about

that. Then there was the silence of my

intentional holding back from clarifying,

apologizing, or making sure he was ok.

Long pause.

“Yeah. I do want to feel more free.

But I just don’t see how that’s possible. I

don’t have any family connections in the

industry, I wasn’t born a director’s son.

Even if I did create something, it would

take five years for it to make any money,

if it ever did at all.”

I could feel him entrenching himself

further into his insecurity as he said this.

I could hear the unspoken subtext: Nope.

There is no way out and fuck you if you

think you’re going to convince me

otherwise. I’m staying here.

What’s going on here? He’s feeling

stuck and frustrated in his life, upset

about his work situation, and powerless

to do anything about it. He is also

reluctant to perceive his situation

differently so he can find a way out and

transform things.

Have you ever been there? I know I

have. Sometimes I still go there late at

night after a long day, especially if I

haven’t gotten enough sleep. I tell myself

that life sucks and it’s not fair. My wife

tries to draw me out, ask me questions,

help me see things in a different way.

Instead of being grateful, I feel anger.

Part of me says, “No! Nothing will

work! Everything sucks! How dare you

try and talk me out of it?…Wait! Where

are you going? Come back! I’m not done

complaining yet.”

That’s what we want when we’re in

this state. We want someone to listen to

us. To hear the entire list of complaints

from start to finish. To witness the ways

we’ve been wronged, to see how the

world isn’t fair, and how things really

are impossible and out of our control.

And we get angry if our audience

doesn’t play along.

And that’s what happens in a lot of

therapy sessions. People go week after

week to give their list of excuses, and

have the therapist say, “Mmmm, you’re

right. That sounds really hard. Tell me

more.”

Back when I was a therapist, when I

asked a client why they were there, what

they wanted to get out therapy, if they

said, “I just want a place to come and

vent,” I’d shudder inside. And I would

not work with them unless their purpose

for therapy changed. Because I know

venting is not how people create

extraordinary lives, let alone change

anything about their current situation.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I

am not saying it’s wrong to feel

frustrated, discouraged, confused, or

angry about something or someone in

your life. And it’s important to talk about

those frustrations and to explore what’s

going on in order to heal and move

forward. What matters is how we go

about doing this. Are we looking for

solutions? Are we taking responsibility

for our feelings and our lives? In that

moment are we taking ownership of our

lives or seeing ourselves as the victims

of other people and circumstances?

As painful as it is, people sometimes

prefer to see themselves as powerless in

situations. This phenomenon is called

Secondary Gain, and it refers to the

benefits we get from remaining the

victim in our lives. When we blame

others, we get the relief of knowing it’s

not our responsibility that things didn’t

work out. We no longer feel like a

failure or inadequate in some way. When

we are convinced it’s hopeless so there

is no point in trying to achieve a certain

goal, we get to avoid all of the

discomfort of taking action and risking

potential failure or rejection.

Let’s dive in and see what makes us

take the exit for Excuse City, and even

better, how we can find our way out of

this wretched place.

THE VICTIM STANCE

The victim stance is a way of relating to

the world. We all have the potential to

assume this position, and some people

do so more than others. Hell, some

people spend their entire lives in the

victim stance.

What is the victim stance? Summed

up in one sentence, it is this: Forces

outside of my control determine my

destiny. “They” or “it” - something

outside of myself - determines whether I

succeed, grow, develop, make money,

experience love, feel happiness, or

experience anything else I want in my

life. I am powerless in this situation.

When we are in this stance, we

naturally feel weak, insecure, and afraid.

We can also feel pissed off, righteous,

and angry. The victim spends his life

feeling afraid of what will happen and

pissed off at those around him who are

“making” him feel however he is feeling.

He’s also pissed off at the people who

are getting the things he wants because

they’re lucky, immoral, or otherwise

wrong.

Let’s uncover these elements a little

more. This is incredibly important to do,

and here’s why: There are no people

who are permanently victims. It’s just a

mental stance we can go into—a mindset

—and we can all go there now and

again. The better you get at identifying

that you’re in this mindset, the faster you

can find your way out of it, which will

make your life much, much better.

We’ll get into more of that in a

moment, but first, let’s flesh out the

hallmark signs that you’re entering

Victim Land. Consider these red flags

that are there to help you know when

you’re crossing into the danger zone.

Noticing them can help you identify

what’s happening and then choose to do

something different to break the cycle. In

that moment you can choose to take care

of yourself and give yourself what you

need so that you can feel more energized

and resourceful.

Signposts of Entering

Victim Land

STRONG, PERSISTENT BLAME

When life doesn’t go your way—when

you fail to reach an outcome, or someone

doesn’t do what you want them to do—

you feel incredibly charged up inside:

frustrated, angry, and outraged. You

might be thinking, What the fuck is

wrong with that person? How dare they

say those things? How could they be so

stupid, so ignorant, so lazy, so _____

(Insert your favorite outraged insult or

choice here)?

Your mind keeps churning it around

again and again. You can’t think about

anything else. You fantasize about

revenge, what you’d say to them, how

you’d get them back. You carry on an

intense and detailed argument with them

in your head. Maybe you will actually

do or say these things, or maybe you’re

too scared to and won’t doing anything

at all. Regardless, you are trapped in a

state of inner turmoil and anger all

because that person said or did _____

(or didn’t say or isn’t doing ______).

Oh, and maybe you’ve “tried

everything” and that person still isn’t

doing ____. And it’s their fault and they

suck. And you hate them. But you’re still

going to keep working for them, being

their spouse, sleeping with them, or

whatever your relationship is with them.

Because what else would you do?

Leave? That’s terrifying and you’d never

find anything else that’s better. No thank

you, instead you’ll stay here and blame

the shit out of them in order to

temporarily feel more powerful.

Which actually brings us to our next

signpost: feeling powerless.

POWERLESS

You feel like you are stuck in whatever

situation or circumstances you find

yourself in. You can’t change jobs

because the economy is bad and no one

is hiring. You can’t feel happy because

your partner is not doing their fair share

around the house and you can’t get them

to do more.

Regardless of the specific situation,

a hallmark feature of being in the victim

stance is telling yourself, things can’t be

different. And, I can’t make them

different because some external force

won’t let me. It’s a discouraging,

hopeless, depressing state that leaves

you feeling like a frustrated teenager

who has to live with strict and uncaring

parents.

In fact, that is a good descriptor of

the victim stance overall. We still see

ourselves as children and the big bad

adults aren’t giving us what we want.

But, I digress. Where was I? Ah, right,

powerlessness.

One other factor that makes us feel

powerless actually has nothing to do

with “them” holding us back. It’s

actually the endless list of fears and

reasons we have about why we’re not

powerful and capable. Those are your

inner stories, and we’ll get to those in

the next chapter. In fact, underneath all

the blame and ranting against external

forces, the person in the victim stance

deep down fears that they are not good

enough; that they don’t deserve the

happiness they so deeply desire. But that

sounds bad and weak and feels terrible,

so instead we prefer to sound tough and

blame “those lousy illegal immigrants”

or whoever else might fit the bill at the

time.

When you notice yourself slipping

into one of those patterns, congratulate

yourself! Being able to identify it and

know it is happening is a huge step

towards breaking free. It’s important to

recognize that many people never will

break free simply because catching

yourself in these comfortable and safe

patterns is difficult to do in the moment.

These people will remain in a cloud of

their victim-thinking and bounce from

one painful experience to another, all the

while feeling powerless, pissed off, and

afraid.

Once you’ve identified that you’re

blaming someone else for whatever you

don’t have, you can acknowledge that

you’ve entered victim land. It’s ok.

There’s no shame in it. We all go there.

It’s the default place our minds go in

response to pain, discomfort, challenge,

or adversity. The goal is not to never go

to the victim stance, it’s knowing how to

acknowledge when you’re there, then

reclaim your power and get back to

owning your life.

THE OWNER STANCE

The essence of the Owner Stance is I am

responsible.

I am responsible for the quality of

my life. I am responsible for my

feelings, my responses and my results (in

the long term). If my life is not going the

way I want it to go, I can make different

choices and steer it in a different

direction. If there is an obstacle standing

in my way, I am the one who must find a

way around the obstacle in order to

progress towards what I want. Rather

than being an effect in the world, I am a

cause.

If the Victim Stance is like a boat

floating at sea, at the mercy of the winds

and currents, then the Owner Stance is a

boat with sails, oars, and maybe even a

motor. Much like sailing, we cannot

control the winds or the currents, but we

can choose which course to follow,

which direction to take, and how to

respond to the changing circumstances of

events outside of ourselves.

So what does this actually look like

in our day-to-day life? First, an owner

chooses the direction of his life. What

do I want to do? What kind of job do I

want to have? What kind of money do I

want to earn? Who do I want to spend

my time with? Notice the focus on what I

want to do, rather than what I think I

should do, or what other people expect

of me.

An owner also realizes that people

are always at a place of choice. If I

don’t like my boss, I can choose to relate

to him or her differently, or I can choose

to quit. If I don’t like the way my kid

speaks to me, I can choose to respond

differently or take new actions to change

the pattern. If I don’t like my weight, I

can change my diet and level of physical

activity. If I don’t like my economic

status, I can take action to increase my

income and financial freedom.

The essential belief of the owner is,

I can. Or at the very least, it’s I must. I

am the only one who is going to do it.

And that is absolutely true. No one else

is going to take care of your health, make

your relationship better, or earn you

more money.

Many people exit the owner stance

and slip into passive victim stance when

they visit a professional. Whether it’s a

medical doctor or a financial advisor,

people will all too quickly give their

power and responsibility to the “expert.”

Just tell me what pills to take and I’ll

take them. Just tell me where to put my

money and I’ll do it.

I get it. I have the same desire, too. It

can be kind of a relief to let someone

who supposedly knows better than I do

take over. Ah, whew. I don’t need to

figure out this complex, ever-changing

financial system and learn a bunch of

confusing jargon just to make sense of it.

I can just talk to this friendly chap here

who will ask me some basic questions

about my desired level of risk. Then

he’ll take care of the rest and I won’t

have to spend the energy on figuring all

this stuff out (or face my fears around

figuring it all out. More on that in the

Money Chapter).

But beware. Whenever we give up

our

responsibility,

we

give

up

ownership of our lives. And while that

might be relieving in the short term, it

has one fatal flaw: no one is going to

care as much about your wellbeing as

you do.

I don’t mean to make the world

sound hostile or uncaring. There are

many people that love you deeply and

want the best for you. Your spouse or

parents might do anything for you. Yet at

the same time, they cannot be as

absorbed in your wellbeing as their

own. At the end of the day, the one who

feels the results (good or bad) and cares

the most is you. So let’s take charge and

make shit happen.

Below are the components of a life

of ownership. These are beliefs,

attitudes, and abilities that people living

in an owner stance use to engage in life.

See if you can notice one theme that

links all of them together. The one thing

that is required in order to live this way.

I’ll share at the end of the list, but see if

you can pick it up along the way.

Owner Stance Components

1. ASSERTIVENESS: SAY WHAT NEEDS TO

BE SAID

An essential tool in the owner’s arsenal

is being able to speak up. It requires

boldness and courage to do this as a way

of life. The pull towards fear-based

people-pleasing and conflict avoidance

is strong in most of us. As a result, we

hold back, bite our tongues, and keep our

thoughts to ourselves. We often do not

say what needs to be said in the moment.

And then we suffer.

However, when we are taking

ownership of our lives, we know that we

are responsible for our relationships

with others. I don’t mean some kind of

weird over-responsibility where you

need to take care of someone else’s

feelings and make all their decisions for

them. I simply mean that you are

responsible for your own experience.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Imagine that you are pissed off with

someone after spending time with them.

Most likely you didn’t say what you

really wanted to say to them in the

moment. Instead, you decided to go vent

to a friend and maybe you even get them

to agree that your boss, or your dad, or

whoever else is an inconsiderate jerk,

but this does nothing to solve the

problem with this person in your life.

You still feel angry at them—perhaps

validated for why you’re angry—but the

anger hasn’t gone away. And the person

you’re mad at still doesn’t even know

what they’ve done to upset you. Your

anger remains pent up inside you,

unproductive and harming only your own

mental state.

The only way to solve this problem

is to step up and be bolder. Say what

needs to be said to the person who needs

to hear it.

Of course there is a skill to doing

this. If you storm into your boss’s office

and say, “Listen here you fat, miserable

loser. I’m here to say what needs to be

said!” then results will be questionable.

Although, you might be better off than

years of passive, resentment-building

submission. But I digress…

Instead, you pay attention to what is

really going on, and ask yourself, what it

is you’re really upset about. What

boundary did this person cross? What

did they do that you would have

preferred they didn’t? Anger is just a

sign that you are internally saying “no”

to something, so what is it that they did,

that you need to say “no” to? Did they

give you unsolicited advice? Did they

keep interrupting you or talk over you in

a meeting? Did they tease or poke fun at

you in a way that felt critical or

malicious?

As you make a study of this and gain

more clarity, you can start speaking up

for yourself more often. Ideally in the

moment, but you can always go back to

something. “I want to talk with you for a

second about yesterday’s meeting…”

It’s even better to do this right in the

moment. As soon as Jimmy Bob starts to

interrupt you, raise the volume of your

voice about 25% and say, “Hold on,

hold on a second Jimmy Bob, let me

finish.” You can even casually put your

hand up. Then keep talking. Don’t wait

for his approval or acknowledgement.

Own it.

If someone pokes fun at you, fire

something back. It doesn’t have to be the

wittiest response in the world. It doesn’t

even have to make a lot of sense. The

key is to just blurt something back fast. If

you struggle to respond to criticism or

bullying at your workplace or in life, I

recommend listening to this episode of

my internet radio show – Shrink For The

Shy Guy. It provides clear strategies and

examples on how to defend yourself and

speak up with confidence.

http://shrinkfortheshyguy.com/dealing-

with-critics-haters-and-bullies/

The key here is to realize that you

are responsible for the relationships in

your life. If you don’t like them, then

speak up to change them. If that doesn’t

work because the person is not open to

it, or is too defensive or stubborn, then

stop interacting with that person. Leave

that company and go to a different one.

Move to a different department. Fire

them. Break up with them. Stop being

friends with them. Don’t see that family

member or talk to them (except when

forced to once a year at Thanksgiving or

something).

You get my point? You don’t have to

spend time with anyone. It’s a choice.

I’m not saying your first course of action

is to leave every place where you have a

challenging interaction with someone.

That’s a last resort. You’ll be amazed

how much you can transform the

relationships in your life just by being

bold. Take a deep breath. Have the

sweaty, uncomfortable five-minute-long

conversation you’ve been needing to

have. Step up and say what needs to be

said. Life gets a whole lot better when

you do.

2. AGREEMENTS: GET CLARITY ON YOUR

EXPECTATIONS

I pressed the “send” button on my email

and sat back in satisfaction. There, I’d

done it. I’d finally stopped doing all of

the video editing myself and took the

necessary steps to start outsourcing the

work. I’d found Levente, my newfound

friend in Romania who would take care

of all of my problems.

The next day I checked my email. No

response. Huh, not super awesome, but

let’s see what happens. Nothing the next

day as well. At this point I was pissed.

Seriously? Two days go by and not even

a nod of receiving the files? No “I got

these and will have them back to you by

next Thursday”? Nothing?? I’m gonna

fire his ass and find someone new!

Then I remembered something I

learned from Steve Chandler about

agreements

versus

expectations.

Expectations are all of the ideas you

have in your head about how everything

and everyone should be. I have

expectations about how a contractor or

employee should respond to me. I have

expectations about how long things

should take, how responsive people

should be. And guess what? It’s all

bogus.

Not because clarity on what I want is

bad. Neither is having a desire for

responsiveness and quick results. In fact,

that’s what I want on my team. But it’s

all bogus because it’s just in my head. I

haven’t actually talked about it with

anyone. I’ve just been holding onto these

expectations without letting others know

I had them, or without having the

courage to speak up and create mutual

agreements with those I interact with.

I see this in every area of life.

Whenever a client is having a challenge

with a spouse, co-worker, employee,

supervisor, or boss, the first thing I get

curious about is: what are the unspoken

expectations here?

In fact, that’s usually what I’ll ask

my client right off the bat. Then we’ll

explore them together. Nine times out of

ten, the expectations have not been

discussed. The two parties didn’t share

what they wanted from one another and

come to a mutual understanding and

agreement.

I remember one client who initially

took offense to this notion. He was the

COO of a moderately large tech startup

and had many people reporting to him. “I

shouldn’t have to do that. People should

understand my expectations and make

things happen. That’s what I’m paying

them for,” he complained.

“Makes sense,” I replied. “You can

keep that stance as long as you like. It

may actually be true too. What I’m

curious about is how effective it is. You

have

high

turn-around

and

are

chronically frustrated with the people

you work with. It doesn’t seem like your

approach is working effectively. Perhaps

it’s sub-optimal.”

I love that word. I learned it from

Brian Johnson, who is the founder of

enTheos and is a walking encyclopedia.

It’s a great way to highlight something

that isn’t working well without making

anyone sound bad or wrong. It’s not

stupid, it’s just sub-optimal.

Do you know what was behind his

resistance? It’s the same thing behind

both my resistance and yours around this

topic. It’s fear.

Fear of direct conversations. Of

sharing what we want. Of hearing what

other people want and need. Fear of

being real, vulnerable, and honest. Fear

of direct contact with other humans. Yep,

even the big tough COO had this fear.

We all do on some level.

So we all have a choice. We can

remain cowardly and cling to our

unspoken expectations. This allows us to

feel frustrated and self-righteous about

how everyone else is letting us down. Or

we can choose to act with courage,

speak directly and early on about what

we would like. We can find out if what

we want seems reasonable to those we

are making decisions with. Find out

what they think about it, and come to an

agreement.

People have a deep evolutionary

need to keep the agreements they set

themselves. It goes back to reciprocity

and all kinds of wiring from our distant

tribal relatives. Once we make an

agreement with someone else, we

generally have a desire to fulfill it, and

we

experience

discomfort

around

breaking it. However, people do not

have any need to meet all of your

expectations. Especially ones you didn’t

explicitly share or ones you just impose

on them against their will. Doing so

creates resistance, resentment, and

subtle rebellion. And nobody likes those

things.

So the next time you’re pissed off at

someone, find out what expectation of

yours they are breaking. Ask yourself,

What agreement would I like to make

with this person? How can I talk about

it with them to see if we’re on the same

page?

Then go have the conversation.

3.

RESPONSIBILITY:

I

AM

100%

RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FEELINGS

Every person who is emotionally

successful in life - that is they feel good

much

of

the

time,

have

great

relationships, and regularly enjoy feeling

fulfilled,

inspired,

energized,

and

grateful - takes 100% responsibility for

their own feelings.

They are not happier and more

resilient because their life circumstances

are vastly superior to others, or because

they are rich or lucky. There are

thousands of very wealthy people who

are emotionally very unsuccessful. They

feel upset, angry, impatient, stressed,

worried, and dissatisfied much of the

time. They are hurting inside. I don’t

know about your definition, but in my

book that isn’t success, no matter how

much money you have.

What does it mean to take 100%

responsibility for our feelings? It means

we don’t blame outside circumstances

and other people for how we feel. We

stop believing we feel a negative

emotion because someone didn’t do

something we wanted. We stop saying

things like, “You made me feel angry.”

Instead we know that our feelings

are our own to deal with. My upset, hurt,

and fear are my problem to solve. And

yet, it’s amazing how easy it is to

immediately blame something outside of

ourselves

for

our

uncomfortable

feelings.

He shouldn’t have said that. She’s

too much of this or not enough that.

He’s too noisy. She’s too bossy. It

should have gone this way. My tire

shouldn’t be flat. It goes on and on.

The unspoken assumption here is: if

____ were different, I would not feel

this way. This is based on an old

emotional formula that most of us carry

around inside our heads. It goes like this

(Warning! Math alert! Math alert!):

If X happens, I will feel Y.

X can be anything that anyone says or

does. It can also be events that happen in

life like making a sale, getting a job,

getting fired, or traffic on the freeway.

•

If there is traffic on the freeway,

I will feel impatient and agitated.

•

If he says no when I ask for the

sale, I will feel discouraged,

frutstrated, and hopeless.

•

If I get the job I want, I will feel

happy, excited, and relieved.

•

If I get fired, I wil feel scared,

hurt, and like a failure.

Perfectly natural, perfectly normal,

right? Everyone would agree with you if

you said any of these things.

“Hey, how’s it going today?”

“I’m frustrated and agitated.”

“Really? How come?”

“So much traffic on the freeway

today. It was nuts. And it’s raining.”

“I hear ya!”

No one would bat an eye at this

conversation. But it reflects a massive

flaw in the system that will lead to years

of emotional pain and suffering. It

reveals that both of these people will

probably

never

feel

emotionally

successful or happy for very long.

Because guess what? Traffic doesn’t

seem to be going away. And it’s always

going to rain (hopefully, unless we’re

headed for a Mad Max style mega-

drought apocalypse).

Taking 100% responsibility for your

feelings will set you free. Because it

will help you see that X does not cause

Y. In reality, Y is a feeling that is looking

for a way to come out. And X is the

perfect opportunity to let it out. What??

This guy’s talking crazy. I know it

seems backwards, but hear me out.

Let’s say Y is frustration and anger.

We have a lot of that inside of our

bodies. We have all these desires and

needs that go unmet and tension builds

inside of us. Some of these we are

aware of, and some we don’t even

consciously know about. Maybe I’m

hurting about something someone said to

me. Maybe I’m feeling pressure from

life’s demands. Maybe my heart is

aching because I miss a friend or a

former lover. Then I hit traffic. What the

fuck it this? Look at all these stupid

people cutting over from the left lane?

What the hell is wrong with them?

Idiots.

All that emotional energy now has a

little outlet. A pipe for all that steam to

flow out through. Well, maybe not all of

it, but some of it. Best of all, I don’t

have to acknowledge and feel all those

uncomfortable feelings, like desire,

grief, or heartache. I just feel angry at

random people on the road.

Emotion gets pent up inside of us in

response to life, and how we interpret

what happens to us. If we take 100%

responsibility, then we take time each

day to just feel those feelings, without

resisting, blaming, or fighting them. Just

let them burn through us like a prairie

fire. We also pay attention the stories

and interpretations we tell ourselves. We

notice how easy it is to blame someone

else instead of feeling those raw,

uncomfortable feelings directly. Then we

go back to feeling the feelings. If you are

curious what this means and how to do

it, keep reading. You are going to

discover how to relate to your emotions,

including fear, in a completely new way

that will set you free.

In the meantime, just remember this:

X does not cause Y. I’m sure you can see

moments from your own life where this

is true. Have you ever hit traffic and

been totally relaxed? Perhaps you were

listening to an audiobook and didn’t

really care about how quickly you would

get to your destination. Maybe you had a

busy, full day and hitting some traffic

gave you some time alone to just sit and

think, and you felt peaceful, relaxed, and

grateful to have some quiet solitude. So

you can experience X, and instead of

feeling Y, you might experience Z, or A,

or B. Maybe even a combination of all

three.

Circumstances and other people do

not cause my feelings. It’s how I

interpret

and

relate

to

those

circumstances and people. It’s how I

relate to the emotions and discomfort

inside of me. These are the beliefs of an

owner, and these are the beliefs that lead

to emotional success, happiness, and

lasting fulfillment.

There are some people who take this

philosophy and turn it into a strangely

cold and uncompassionate dogma. They

demand Vulcan-like control of their

emotions because after all, if it’s just

their perception, then they will change it

in order to stop feeling pain. I know I’ve

done this. I once read that “Happiness is

a choice, so just choose to feel

differently.” It sounds good and feels

empowering to read it, but is much

harder to apply in practice. The result is

an ever-increasing loop of demanding

that I feel differently and then hating

myself for not being good enough to “just

get over it.” This is not what I mean.

Let me share one more example so

you can easily get this and apply it in

your life. At the time of writing this, I

have two sons: a two-year-old toddler

and a one-month-old baby. The toddler

does what toddlers do. Runs around like

a maniac, tries to take his diaper off, and

wants to see what happens when he

climbs on the table after dad says,

“Please don’t climb on the table.” The

newborn does what newborns do - he

nurses, poops, and sleeps. And cries like

a banshee if he is uncomfortable or one

of his needs isn’t being met fast enough.

Lots of irritating stimulus for mom and

dad. Oh, and lots of night waking and

greatly reduced sleep.

Now with all that going on, when I

am up at 4am with my new-born son and

he’s screaming as I am screwing the

nipple onto a bottle of breast milk, it is

quite natural to feel frustrated and angry.

I’m angry because he’s crying so loudly

in my ear and I’m trying to get him the

milk he wants. If he stopped crying, I

wouldn’t feel angry.

But what’s really going on here? If I

take 100% responsibility, then my anger

and frustration is my own to deal with. It

is not happening because my son “made

me” feel that way. And it’s certainly not

the case that I have to feel angry when he

cries and can only feel peaceful when he

stops. If that were the case, I would be a

victim of circumstance. But I am not the

victim of my life, I am the owner, so I

looked for a better way. Truth be told, I

only looked for a better way after many

nights of being the victim and feeling

depressed and miserable. Might as well

try something else…

So, instead of looking outward, I

looked in. I focused on what happened

inside of me that made me react to the

crying with frustration and anger. What

ideas did I have that created this anger?

What feelings did I not want to feel? As

I slowed down, breathed, and just felt

the hot sensation of anger in my chest

without resisting it or trying to get away

from it, answers emerged.

First, I felt frustration at not being

able to calm him immediately. I wanted

to be more effective, to have more

control. Then I noticed massive tension

in my body around the idea that my wife

would hear our son crying and think,

“My husband sucks at being a dad. If he

was a better dad he could soothe our

baby.” Wow, fear of disapproval. That’s

a good one. I went even deeper into the

burning sensation in my heart and felt the

pain and discomfort directly, without

trying to analyze it or solve it. I just

breathed and surrendered to it. There I

found deep aching in my heart about re-

homing my cat, whom I lived with for

twelve years. With the two babies he

was not thriving and we had given him

away to live with a dear friend. I missed

him. Part of me was screaming inside, “I

don’t want this! I want him back!”

Underneath anger there is always

pain. Always fear or grief. Fear of

losing something, pain about not having

things go the way we want them to,

unmet needs, or hurt feelings. We just

have to slow down, get out of our blame,

take 100% responsibility to face our

own feelings, and we will find it. And

when we do, we set ourselves free.

4. ACTION: I CREATE MY

DESTINY

The owner is not waiting for some force

outside of himself to come save him. A

substantial majority of people are

unconsciously waiting for something to

come and make their lives better.

Whether it’s their boss, their spouse, or

God, their destiny is placed in the hands

of another.

When we take ownership of our

lives, we decide to take action. We

figure out what we want in a given

situation and ask this question: “What

can I do?”

Not “Who can I blame?” or “How

come nothing ever works out for me?” or

“Why is life so hard and unfair?” These

questions suck. They dig us deeper into

the victim stance and strip us of our

power. Instead, take charge. Figure out

what you can do to make the situation

more favorable. See what fears might be

getting in the way and stopping you from

taking those actions. Then, face those

fears, and take those actions.

Overcoming fear and taking bold

action are so important for a life of

confidence that they each have their own

chapter in this book. You will discover

much more about how to blast through

fear and take decisive action later on.

For now, notice whenever you fall

into a victim stance where you are stuck

because “they” aren’t cooperating.

Decide to see it differently. Even if they

truly aren’t cooperating, complaining

about it in your head is not going to

change anything. God is not going to

come down and make them different

because you lamented it wasn’t fair.

If that person is taking too long on

their end of the project, ask them about

it. Did you set up clear agreements? If

this is a pattern and they keep doing this,

find a way around it. Can you work with

someone different? Can you fire them

and hire someone else? Can you do the

task yourself?

If your boss is criticizing you in

meetings and you feel deflated and

ashamed at work, ask yourself the

question - “what can I do?” First, you

can maintain your self-respect and

internally challenge all his critical

garbage. Second, can you speak up in the

meetings? Can you tactfully question or

challenge your boss? He may respect

you more for it. Or, why not leave? Yes,

you can find another job. No, you don’t

need to work there.

Do you see what it’s like to

approach the world from an action-

oriented ownership stance? The more

you do it, the less frustration and

resentment you feel, and the freer you

become.

Notice

how

the

owner

takes

responsibility for his life, even when

outside circumstances don’t go his way.

Even when shit happens. He operates

from a Utilization Mindset. This simply

means you can use anything that life

throws your way and work with it.

Instead of viewing it as some bad,

terrible situation that shouldn’t be

happening, you view it as an unexpected

turn that requires more flexibility on

your part.

The truth is we can use anything in

our lives to benefit us. Even the most

challenging

situations

or

painful

experiences can end up serving us

greatly if we let them. Events that seem

tragic in the moment, as if life has “gone

wrong,” such as losing a job or

experiencing a breakup, are actually of

tremendous benefit if we let them be.

They deepen us, strengthen us, and sculpt

our souls. They are also stepping stones

on our path and are guiding us in ways

we don’t even realize until years later.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

Where do you spend most of your time?

Do you live more as a victim of

circumstance or do you see yourself as

an owner of your life?

Sometimes people call someone “a

victim” as if it were an inborn

personality trait. The truth is no one is

born an owner or victim. These are

merely ways of being in the world:

mindsets, and styles of response.

Sometimes

we

choose

ownership.

Sometimes

we

choose

a

more

disempowered stance.

As you read this, you might conclude

that from here on out and forevermore,

you will choose the owner stance. That

sounds nice and logically seems like the

“best” thing to do, but it’s damn near

impossible to simply become an owner

and stay that way. The best thing we can

do is to commit to becoming more

aware. To notice when we’re giving our

power away, blaming others, feeling like

we don’t have a choice, and feeling

resentful and powerless. The more we

notice this, the more we can choose

differently, and find ourselves operating

from a place of ownership more and

more often.

You may also begin to notice that you

tend to approach some areas of your life

more consistently from a place of

ownership than others. Perhaps in your

health and fitness you show up as an

owner, take responsibility for what you

eat and when you work out. You don’t let

work or a long day stop you from taking

care of your body.

But then when your partner asks you

for something you always feel obligated

to say yes, even if you don’t want to.

Saying no makes you feel guilty and

selfish so you avoid that messiness by

always consenting. Then you feel

resentful about doing some of the things

you said you would do, because she’s

“making” you do them.

This example is purely hypothetical

of course, and I have no idea about such

things because I would never stoop so

low as to do that with my wife.

Look, we don’t have to take this

choice so seriously and make it a big

deal. Bring your playful awareness to

the topic and view it like a game.

Whenever you catch yourself in the

victim stance, smile and say, “Oh, me..

There I go again.” Take a deep breath in.

Remember you made choices that got

you here. Try saying in your mind, I am

100% responsible. Feel the power of

that statement. Sense the expansive

freedom it provides. I can choose.

Everything is a choice. Everything.

Now is the time to choose

differently.

For detailed training videos on how

to identify your personal excuses and

stories,

go

to,

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com and

sign up for my newsletter.

GRAB THE HELM

For those of you who are not as high-

class as me and don’t have vast nautical

knowledge, the helm is the steering

wheel of a ship. (I actually had to

Google that to make sure that’s what it

meant).

It’s time to grab the helm! I just like

saying that. It makes me feel strong and

adventurous, like a Greek hero. You may

be ready and excited to take charge of

your confidence, your life, and your

destiny. If so, awesome! You are in the

right place. After you apply what you

learn in this book, your life will never

be the same again. However, there are

two things that get in the way and can

stop us from taking charge. One is fear,

which we will help you completely

obliterate in Chapter Four.

The other is something a bit more

subtle. More insidious. It sneaks in like

a cloud of smoke or vapor that you

inhale over time without knowing it. Yet

it has the power to stop you dead in your

tracks. Curious what this sneaky, almost

undetectable hurdle is?

Let me show you what it is, then

we’ll talk about it. Imagine, for a

moment, taking ownership of one area of

your life. Maybe it’s your relationship

with your partner, your career, or your

finances. What would it look like if you

approached that area from a place of

complete and total ownership? Where

you knew you were a powerful force in

the world who could make whatever you

wanted to happen, and it was only a

matter of time before it all came to

fruition.

What kind of relationship would you

create? Would you have a deeply loving

relationship

with

a

spouse?

A

relationship where your partner was the

most important thing in the world, you

loved spending time with him or her, you

felt deeply grateful to be with them and

couldn’t possibly want anything else in

life?

What kind of business or career

would you have? Would you be running

your own business? Growing your

current business geometrically? Would

you be only doing what you loved?

Would you be earning more money than

ever before and enjoying the lifestyle

and contribution that can come from

being wealthy?

Take a moment to really imagine

what a life of ownership would look like

for you…

Now, let me ask you this. What’s

happening inside of you? How do you

feel? Excited? Hopeful?

Discouraged? Skeptical?

For the vast majority of people, what

happens when we remove excuses and

really start to take ownership of our

lives, is that we bump into the second

protective layer: Stories.

Without further ado, let’s take a trip

into Story Land…

CHAPTER III:

______

STORIES

“The only thing that stops you from

having what you want in life is the

story you keep telling yourself about

why you can’t have it.”

- Anthony Robbins

I can’t.

I don’t know how to.

I don’t know enough yet.

I’m not smart enough.

I don’t have enough education.

Of course she wouldn’t find me

attractive.

I’m ugly.

I’m not capable.

I’m not good enough.

There’s something wrong with me.

No one would want me there.

I’m a loser.

I’m a failure.

Ugh. Just reading that list makes me

feel depressed. These are just a few of

the hundreds of stories we tell ourselves

on a daily basis. Sometimes they are

obvious and blaring in our minds. Other

times they are subconscious: operating

in the background like computer viruses.

Not overt, but with just enough influence

to stall us out or sabotage our success.

What’s the difference between

stories and excuses? Stories are deeper

than excuses. In order to gain the

confidence you need to create the life

you want, you will first have to push

past your layer of excuses about why the

outside world won’t give you want.

Then you’ll start bumping into your

stories.

Stories are how we interpret the

world, others, and ourselves. Our

beliefs, opinions, and the meaning we

give events are all part of these stories.

Most importantly, our stories determine

how we see ourselves. They make up

our identity.

Stories tell you what you are capable

of and not capable of. Whether you are

attractive or unattractive. Desirable or

undesirable.

Intelligent

or

dumb.

Wealthy or poor. Destined for greatness

and a life of adventurous fulfillment or

doomed to perpetual struggle and never

quite “making it.”

There are two major kinds of

stories: identity stories and ability

stories. Both are about who you are and

what you are capable of. Both can be

inspiring

and

empowering

or

discouraging and highly limiting. Let’s

explore each kind so you can see what’s

holding you back, and ultimately be free

of it.

IDENTITY STORIES

Right now, in this very moment that you

are reading this text, you have a complex

network of ideas, beliefs, thought

impulses and neurological connections

operating beneath your awareness. They

are guiding your choices, decisions, and

actions throughout the day, all without

you even thinking about it. They make up

your sense of who you are. They

determine what you do and do not do.

I am this. I am not that.

Let me show you what I mean. Read

the sentence below:

I am a man.

As you read that, it instantly seemed

true or not true, right? And it happened

incredibly fast, didn’t it? You didn’t

have to spend much conscious time and

attention determining if that was true

about

you.

Your

mind

instantly

concluded, Yep. Or Nope, I’m a woman.

(Of course if you’re transgender or

gender queer your internal response may

be more complex.)

Simple enough, right? But what if we

apply the same test to the following

statement:

I am intelligent, charismatic, and a

powerful leader.

What happened when you read that

one? Did it register as true? Not true?

Sorta, kinda, maybe true-ish, with lots of

qualifications and exceptions? If you

could assign it a percentage of truth,

where

100

would

mean

it

felt

completely true and 0 would mean it felt

completely false, how does your gut

response rank this statement?

Interesting, huh?

Now let me ask you this: If you had

two people and everything about them

was equal, except that Person A

believes,

I

am

an

intelligent,

charismatic, and powerful leader 95%

and Person B believes it 5%, who

would have better results in business,

their career, their relationships, and in

life?

What if instead of being an

intelligent, charismatic, powerful leader,

Person B believed deep down that they

were not intelligent, not good enough,

and had somehow fooled everyone into

thinking they knew a thing or two? That’s

right, they would be stressed and

anxious about being “found out,” feel

constant pressure to perform and prove

themselves (which would never be

enough by the way), and ultimately they

would self-sabotage by severely limiting

their success or flushing it down the

drain entirely.

Scary? Damn right. Those identity

stories have tremendous power over us

and over the quality of our lives. We

definitely want to be aware of the toxic

ones that are holding us back. So which

identity stories are serving you and

which ones are holding you back?

Identity Game

Let’s find out with a little game.

Remember that these beliefs often reside

in our unconscious. We are usually not

fully aware of them. In fact, our

conscious mind sometimes does not

want us to be aware of them because we

think it might make us look bad, to

ourselves or others. Or worse, we may

start seeing right through these stories

and have to face what we’re really

scared of (more on that in the next

chapter).

So our game has to access your

unconscious mind. That’s where it gets

fun and that’s why I call this a game.

Because it’s fun. Ready?

Step 1. Grab a sheet of paper (or

open up a blank document on your

computer, phone, tablet, smart watch,

retina imprint, or cyborg brain implant) -

just find something to write on.

Step 2. Wait for everyone else to

complete Step 1. If you haven’t done

Step 1, it’s you we’re all waiting on.

Come on. Don’t be a boring old dude.

Play this game with us. Great.

Step 3. Write out the words “I

AM…” and then write whatever comes

to your mind afterwards. Don’t filter it,

question it, or hesitate for any reason.

That’s your conscious mind trying to

play goalie and prevent you from

scoring. Just let it fly. No one in the

world other than you will read it (unless

you want them to). Do this twenty times.

Yes, twenty. Just for fun. It’s okay if you

repeat yourself or if they are similar

(they often are). It’s okay if they’re

positive, negative, happy, or sad.

Whatever you write, it’s all perfect.

In fact, I’ll play with you. Go ahead

and make your list. I’ll do the same and

then we can compare. Ready? Begin

now.

My list:

I am bold.

I am intelligent.

I am capable.

I am rich.

I am anxious.

I am a homeowner.

I am Aziz.

I am intelligent.

I am capable.

I am driven.

I am abundant.

I am nervous.

I am bold.

I am toaster.

I am a husband and a father.

I am Candace’s husband.

I am a great husband.

I am a great dad.

I am not present enough with Zaim.

I am cool.

I am good looking.

I am loved.

I am loving.

I am taken care of.

I am healthy.

I am strong.

I am powerful.

I am intelligent.

I am funny.

I am too future-oriented.

I am Aziz.

I am Arabic.

I am Pakistani.

I am American.

I am powerful.

I am bold.

I am great at talking to people.

I am fun to talk to.

I am able to talk to anyone.

I am great with women.

I am an awesome and dynamic

speaker.

I am authentic, real, and honest.

I am kind and patient.

I am loving.

I am incredibly easy to talk to.

I am a powerful healer.

I’m an extraordinary coach.

I am dedicated to helping people.

I’m not a good enough coach.

I’m not desirable enough as a coach.

I am powerful and effective at

helping people.

I am loved.

I am aware and conscious.

I am dedicated to learning.

Ok, that was way more than 20, but I

got on a roll. I find that game fascinating

and fun because I never know what’s

going to come out. I’m mean, “I am a

toaster”? Seriously, what the fuck? But

as I was writing that sentence I thought

of our toaster and it’s what came from

my subconscious so I didn’t filter it. I

can also see where I have a really solid

identity

(around

being

a

good

husband/father) and where I have

conflicting beliefs (being a great coach

and a not a desirable enough coach).

This list is very different than it

would have been fifteen years ago, five

years ago, or even one year ago. Over a

decade ago my list would have been

mostly made up of my shortcomings and

flaws. How I wasn’t attractive, social,

bold, or skilled. Five years ago it would

have included tons about my inability to

be in romantic relationships because I

was somehow messed up or defective.

My list is a lot better now. If you are

open to constantly growing, then your

identity can transform dramatically and

rapidly.

Questions for you: what was it like

creating your list? Did you discover

anything

interesting

about

your

subconscious beliefs? Was it more

positive than you realized? More

negative? Whatever you discovered is

okay. It’s great, actually. Because these

beliefs are already there, operating

beneath the surface. If you’re not aware

of them, they will control you and the

negative ones will severely limit you.

Once we bring them to the surface, we

can break free of them and reach a

whole new level of personal and

professional liberation, freedom, and

peace. That’s what the second half of

this book is all about, once we’ve

removed all these obstacles.

Identity Sculpting

So what do we do with this list? I’ll

share this in a moment, but before I do I

want you realize how powerful this list

is. Most people will never create

something like this in their entire lives.

They believe that their identity is fixed,

that their beliefs about themselves are

true, and that’s just “who they are.”

•

I’m not a social person

•

I’m not good at presentations.

•

I don’t like being the center of

attention.

•

I’m not comfortable telling

people what to do.

•

I prefer to follow rather than

lead.

•

I’m not good at sales.

People say stuff like this all the time,

both out loud and in their heads. And it’s

all made up. They are all stories. It’s not

who you are. It’s not fixed into concrete

like a carved Roman numeral. You are

fluid. You are dynamic. You are a living,

breathing, constantly changing organism.

Alan Watts, an incredibly illuminating

philosopher of the last century, said we

are like a whirlpool in a river. If you

come back tomorrow, the whirlpool will

still be there, but all the water will be

completely different. In fact, it is

different in each moment. You are just

like that.

You can change your identity to

something that suits you more. As one of

my coaches, Steve Chandler says, you

can reinvent yourself. You can do the

things that scare you and eventually they

will no longer scare you. Hell, do them

enough, and they will become an

everyday part of your life. From talking

to people, to delegating, to selling, to

doubling your profits, to approaching an

attractive stranger, to being an incredible

parent and partner. No big deal. It’s just

who you are and what you do.

As Steve likes to point out, you are

not a noun, you are a verb. Instead of

seeing yourself as a fixed object that is

set in one particular way, you can see

yourself as a constantly evolving, fluid

process.

Are you starting to see the power of

identity here? My boy Tony Robbins

says, “The most powerful force in the

human

personality

is

to

remain

consistent with our identity.” (Two Tony

quotes in one chapter?? What can I say,

the man has a lot of good stuff to offer).

So how do we do that? How do we

change our identity to something more

powerful, more helpful? To one that

serves us more and makes us feel better

about ourselves throughout the day?

Drugs. And lots of them.

No I’m kidding (partially). 1

Let’s talk about how to transform

your identity. And exactly what you

should be doing with that dang list.

First off, go back and note all of the

beliefs that inspire, support, and

empower you. Put stars next to those. Or

circle them. Or do whatever you like to

make them stand out. Those are your

stallions. Those are the ones that will

take you where you want to go in life.

You’ll want to start by reinforcing

those beliefs. Say them out loud. Repeat

them in your head when you’re in line at

Jamba Juice. Write them down a lot. Say

them before you step into a big meeting,

or do anything else that makes you

nervous. Jump up and down on a

rebounder, pump your arms in the air and

shout them out. (I’m serious, that shit

works).

Not enough of them? Come up with

more. Ask yourself this question - what

beliefs would I need to have to get to

where I want to go? To achieve what I

want to achieve? To experience what I

want to experience?

Better yet, look at someone who’s

done what you want to do. Someone who

lives the way you want to live. Who is

an inspiring, badass hero of yours? Then

ask yourself, what does she believe

about herself? What identity beliefs must

he have? Don’t just fabricate them out of

thin air (although that’s a good start).

Research them a little. Read about them.

Watch videos where they share their

ideas. Read an interview with them. If

you know them personally, holy shit you

are in luck. Take him to lunch and find

out what he believes about himself. Say,

“You are doing some really cool stuff in

the world and I want to follow in your

footsteps. Can I ask you a few

questions?”

Then ask your role models how they

see themselves? How do they approach

sales conversations? What do they

believe

about

finances?

Failure?

Rejection? How do they deal with

setbacks?

In

a

fifteen

minute

conversation you can uncover the most

powerful map to get to where you want

to go. And best of all, they’ll love

sharing with you because it makes them

feel

honored,

appreciated

and

significant. Win-win.

Once you have some good beliefs,

integrate them into your list. Repeat

them. Say them out loud. Even if they

don’t feel true yet, that’s fine. They’re

just unfamiliar. They’re the new kids.

You just don’t know them well enough

yet. Soon they’ll fit right in and you’ll

forget who was new and who was

original.

For example, let’s say you came up

with: I am a powerful and persuasive

presenter. Perhaps you decided this

would help you grow your business, get

new customers, increase your sales, be

more effective in meetings, and take your

career and income to the next level.

Good stuff. I agree with you.

But Aziz, you might be thinking, I’m

not

a

powerful

and

persuasive

presenter. I avoid presentations. I hate

them. And I don’t think I’m very good at

them.

Well, at least we know our starting

point. This may be true in your past

experience. I’m not saying you’re

supposed to pretend or close your eyes

and use magical positive thinking to

instantly transform your life. All we’re

talking about here is changing your story.

Because once we do that, doors will

start to open up. As soon as you say the

new identity statement, things start to

heat up inside. Immediately your mind

says, Oh no you didn’t. Stop saying

that. It’s false.

And check this out. If that belief

were true, how would you show up to

work? How would you approach

presentations? Would you schedule a lot

of them? Seek them out? Probably. And

how do you feel if you imagine doing

that? Dread? Fear?

Awesome. That’s exactly what we

want. You are stepping out of the

comfortable safe-zone of the old toxic

story and stepping into life. You’re

getting out onto the field. And it can be

terrifying at first. You’ll understand

more about how this is a good thing in

the next chapter about fear. Then you’ll

learn how to transform your new story

into something that really is true for you.

No endless affirmations, no weird

hypnosis, just a healthy dose of action

and boldness. (Ok, and maybe a little

weird hypnosis).

In order to change your identity, and

fundamentally alter the way you see

yourself for the better, you will need to

first change the story you keep telling

yourself about who you are. This is like

hacking away the vines, bushes, and

heavy undergrowth that prevent you from

moving forward towards your goals.

Then you must take action; you must do

the very things that are outside your old

identity. You’ll seek out presentations,

seek out challenges, seek out risks and

opportunities. You’ll consistently take

different actions and as a result become

a different person with a different

identity. This habit of massive action is

like building the superhighway where

the undergrowth used to be. Now your

path towards your goals is faster than

you imagined (and just might have

fourteen lanes if you’re in Los Angeles).

What about the identity statements on

your list that suck? The ones that seem

really negative, toxic, or limiting? Ones

like:

•

I am a loser.

•

I am a failure,

•

I’m not good enough.

•

I’m mean.

•

I’m bad.

•

I’m ugly.

•

I’m fat.

•

I’m weak.

•

I’m boring

•

I’m awkward.

•

I’m weird.

Here’s the thing. After doing this for

over a decade I’ve discovered the

following fact: If you have more than

three of these kinds of identity statements

in your list, you’re screwed. There’s no

hope for you. You are doomed.

Ok, in a moment we’ll be moving on

to our next chapter…

I’m kidding! Seriously, you’re fine.

Reading the first list I ever wrote was

like reading a hate letter from my worst

heckler. It was terrible. I had a bunch of

garbage on there. No matter how bad

your list looks, it’s a good list. Trust me.

Awareness in this process is your friend.

In fact, it’s your most powerful ally.

Now that you are aware of these

beliefs, what can you actually do with

them? These negative pieces of our

identity fall into two camps. One

category is highlighting where we are

out of alignment, or not living our

values. For example, if I had an identity

statement that said, “I’m a bad father,”

it’s worth checking out to see if I’m

being, well, a shitty dad.

Am I gone all the time, drinking in

bars instead of coming home at night?

Do I make lots of promises and break

them, forget my son’s birthday and not

show up to any of his sporting games? If

so, then maybe that statement is alerting

me to being off course. If so, we can

work with it. We will have to remove

the self-hatred though because that never

helped anyone change for the better,

ever. We also have to look at our

standards and expectations for ourselves

because they may be way too high. More

on this in Chapter Seven, the love

chapter. Oh yes, this book has it all.

While realizing we are out of

alignment happens sometimes, the vast

majority of these negative identity

statements fall into the second camp:

good old fashion self-hate. Instead of

pointing towards something valuable to

work on, these statements are just a form

of self-criticism and harsh judgment.

They do not help us grow, make us

“better people” or really serve us in any

useful way.

So why do we hold these beliefs?

Why is virtually everyone dealing with

some level of inner monster who

pounces on them and tells them they’re

shit when they do something wrong? I’ve

had deep, personal conversations with

thousands of people over the years, and

trust me, everyone is wrestling with this.

Everyone.

What the heck? Why on earth would

we have a bunch of our identity made up

with self-hating statements? Well, I’ll

tell you. It just so happens that while

these criticisms are not helpful, they do

serve a purpose. There is a reason they

exist. And there is a reason why we keep

saying them to ourselves and have a hard

time letting them go. Do you know what

it is?

Safety.

Self-hate serves one function - to

keep us safe. Because as long as you

believe, I’m an ugly loser that no one

would want to be with, guess what you

don’t have to do? Talk to people! Ask

them out! Take risks and get your ass

rejected. You get to avoid all of that.

These criticisms are like a barbed-wire

fence that keeps you safely inside of the

walls of your comfort zone. Sure it’s

confining, depressing, and only half of a

life. But at least it’s safe, dammit!

In a moment, we’ll get to Ability

Stories, which can also stop us from

stepping up and taking bold, confident

action in the world. But first, let’s take a

moment to get to know your Safety

Police. They are pretty important

characters in our internal drama, so it’s

worth bringing them to your awareness.

SAFETY POLICE

So far in this chapter we’ve been talking

about stories. The stories we tell

ourselves, that stop us in our tracks and

prevent us from taking action. I wonder

if, as you’re reading this chapter, you are

starting to identify some of your personal

stories that hold you back and are

beginning to realize that they aren’t as

rigid or permanent as you once thought.

But thus far I haven’t been entirely

clear about exactly who is telling you

these stories. I’ve been saying “you” just

for ease, but actually it’s not all of you,

just a part of you. Because “you” are not

just one set of beliefs, thoughts, ideas,

and feelings; you are made up of many

parts. There is a part of you that might

want to order the kale salad for lunch

and get up at 5am to go for a run. And

then there’s the part of you that wants to

order the bacon cheeseburger, fries, and

Dr. Pepper and binge watch Futurama on

Netflix. Dang, that actually sounds really

fun. I guess I know which part is most

active in me right now. Mmm,

cheeseburger.

And that’s just the thing. We have all

of these parts, and your actions depend

on which one is in charge at a given

moment. Which one is driving the bus. If

you always let Cheeseburger man drive

the bus, then you will have the quality of

life he determines (hedonistic pleasure

combined with obesity and other health

problems).

Just like with health and exercises

choices, we have parts of us that want to

chose immediate gratification and we

have other parts that carefully determine

our level of risk, uncertainty, and the

possible

discomfort

we

could

experience in any given moment.

This overly- cautious bunch is what I

like to call the Safety Police.

(Insert

MacGyver-esque

theme

music here. If you don’t know who

MacGyver is, stop reading this and go

Google him now. Prepare to have your

mind blown. In fact, disregard what I

said

about

binge-watching

Netflix

earlier, and go binge-watch MacGyver

on Netflix now. He is just that

important).

Now

that

you’ve

filled

the

MacGyver-shaped-hole in your heart,

let’s move on. Your Safety Police is your

own personal squad of “protectors”

whose sole job is to keep you safe, in

this moment right now. No matter the

reason, and no matter the cost. Safety

first, safety always.

And what’s deemed “safe” is what is

known, what is familiar, and what is

predictable. Anything that is outside the

ordinary, unknown, or new is “unsafe.”

Anything that involves risk, potential

loss (of money or esteem in the eyes of

others) is definitely not safe. Potential

rejection, failure, setback, humiliation,

embarrassment, and anything else that

makes you feel vulnerable is to be

avoided at all costs.

This is the Safety Police imperative.

How do they carry out their mission?

There are several main characters on the

squad. There’s usually a primary one

that you rely on quite a bit, as well as a

few of his buddies. Here are a few of the

common ones:

THE REASONABLE COP

This guy likes to calmly and clearly tell

you how things are. His tone is sensible,

convincing, and often has a ring of “I

hate to break it to you, but this is just

how things are,” to it. I hate to break it

to you, but you just aren’t good enough

for her. Someone like her will never

want to be with someone like you.

That’s just how it is. (This is the Identity

Story)

Listen man, there’s no way they

would hire you for that job. You

wouldn’t be able to lead all those

people. You can’t do that sort of thing.

(This one is the Ability Story)

You can’t earn that much money. No

one will pay you that. Come now…

If the edge of your comfort zone is

surrounded by a fence, Reasonable Cop

gets to you long before you ever reach it.

If you think about walking towards the

fence because you’re curious about

what’s on the other side, he’ll calmly

step up beside you, put his arm over

your shoulder and turn you back towards

the center of your comfort zone. His

advice always encourages you not to

take those risks because whatever your

goal is, it won’t work out anyway. His

voice is very matter of fact, direct, damn

convincing, and above all certain. This

guy is absolutely sure of himself, which

can cause you to doubt yourself.

You turn back around, slowly

starting to nod your head. I guess he’s

right. What was I thinking? Change my

career? Invest in training myself to create my own business? Ha! Silly.

Back to the salt mines for me.

THE TERRIFIED COP

This guy is my favorite. He’s been a

major player in my Safety Police for

years.

He’s

like

the

expendable

character in a movie who is convinced

he’s going to die.

“We can’t go out there! The place is

crawling with them! We’re not going to

make it. We’re toast. Oh God, oh God! I

should never have come here. What are

we going to do? There are so many of

them, and so few of us. We’re all going

to die!”

As he talks, he works himself up into

more and more of a frenzy, sweating and

wide-eyed. In day-to-day life, it may

look something like this:

You can’t do that presentation! You

are going to fuck it all up. You’re going

to forget what to say and freeze like a

stone statue up there and everyone is

going to stare at you and you won’t be

able to recover and it will be the most

horrible, awkward, terrible, unbearably

painful thing you’ve ever experienced

and you’ll never forget it and neither

will anyone else and they’ll all talk

about it behind your back for forever

and ever and ever!

Or something along those lines. His

advice is always some version of the

terrible, bad, unbearable things that will

happen if you were to do _______

(insert a healthy risk of your choice

here).

This guy is extremely effective at

telling us Future Stories (which we’ll

get to in a moment) that spook us into

procrastination,

indecision

and

confusion.

THE OLD CYNICAL COP

This weathered battle-axe comes out

when

your

dreams,

hopes,

and

aspirations start to lead you out towards

the edge of your comfort zone (aka the

“safe zone”). You start cooking up some

dream in your mind — doubling the size

of your business, finding an amazing

person to spend the rest of your life

with, writing a best-selling book — and

just then, he comes into the room with a

sneer on his face.

“You? Write a book? Ha, right. I’m

sure it will be an amazing work of art.

Your stories in third grade were

especially good, so now I’ll bet they’re

even better. Ha! Pathetic.”

“Yeah, he’s going to want to date

you. Ms. Lumpy. And then you’ll live

happily ever after, right? Fat chance.”

This one is a little different than the

reasonable cop because he’s not gently

talking you out of something and

pretending to be your friend. He’s just

rolling his eyes at how pathetic you are

and at how it’s even more pathetic that

you don’t see how pathetic you are. And

that you think you, of all people, could

do something worthwhile or amazing?

That’s the most pathetic part of all.

Boy, this guy is a real jerk. But he’s

just doing his job. He’s got to do

whatever it takes to keep you safe.

THE ANGRY RAGER

This is the “bad cop.” This is the one

who kicks in the door of the

interrogation room after the good cop

has been nicely asking the perp

questions for fifteen minutes without

getting the answers he wants. He slams a

baseball bat on the table and says,

“Listen you little shit. You are going to

do what we want you to do, or else I’m

going to bash your brains in with this

bat.”

The perp looks at him, pretending to

be unafraid and slightly amused, but

underneath he’s nervous because this guy

really does look a little crazy. Maybe

he’d do it? But he’d lose his job, he

wouldn’t really hit me in front of all

these people… would he? So, the perp

rallies his most badass, deep, I’m-not-

intimidated-by-you voice and says, “The

bat couldn’t be worse than your breath.

Did your wife make you an onion

sandwich again? Oh that’s right, your

wife’s dead.” (Dang, that’s good. I

should be writing a blockbuster script

instead of this book).

And then wouldn’t you know it, the

Angry Rager loses it. He starts

screaming, yelling, throwing things,

kicking over the table, and, yes, hitting

the guy with a baseball bat. That is

exactly what happens inside of your

head. If you aren’t deterred by the other

cops on the force, and you keep walking

towards the fence, the Angry Rager will

show up sooner or later to beat you into

submission.

“You terrible piece of shit. You

worthless worm. He’s never going to

call you back. You are so ugly. Your legs

are so pale and fat and ugly.”

“You fucked that project up so bad.

You are going to get fired. All your

clients are going to leave you and for

good cause. Incompetent idiot.”

“How could you have said ‘no’ to

her, after all she’s done for you? You are

a selfish, terrible, asshole jerk. What the

hell is wrong with you?”

Beliefs like these are the mental-

emotional equivalent of a baseball bat to

your nervous system. This kind of heavy

abuse can happen all the time inside of

our heads. The Angry Rager’s influence

is the most present before or after we

take a big risk. This cop really wants to

make sure that:

A. We do not take the risk. And if we

somehow manage to side-step him and

do it anyway, then:

B. We never do anything like that

again.

So there you have it. Do you see how

these guys are showing up in your life

right now? How they have been

encouraging you, guiding you, and

demanding that you remain in your safe

zone of no risk, no danger, and no

uncertainty (which unfortunately means

no real success or love either)?

Do you have other cops on your

squad? This is by no means a complete

list. There are all kinds of characters we

can have in there, generating our self-

talk and directing our choices. The most

important thing is to identify all the ones

that tell you the stories that keep you

from facing your fears and taking bold

action in the world.

We will be talking a lot more about

the Safety Police in the pages to come,

as well as how to jailbreak yourself so

you are never held back by fear and

insecurity again. In the meantime,

remember this: everything your Safety

Police tells you, every idea or belief,

every story, every prediction, is not true.

No matter how certain they are. This

squad of naysayers is simply designed to

say whatever they need to say to carry

out their mission: preventing you from

taking any action that requires you to

leave your comfort zone.

Let’s take a look at a few more kinds

of stories your Safety Police likes to tell

you. This insight will help you peel back

the layers of confusion and misdirection

that keep you from exploding past your

fears and creating a life of extraordinary

confidence and joy.

ABILITY STORIES

“Whether you think you can or you

think you can’t, you’re right.”

- Henry Ford

Preach it Henry. He’s right you know.

And right now in this moment you have a

list of stuff in your brain that you believe

you are capable of doing, and a list of

stuff that you believe you are not capable

of doing. It’s all there in your head. Even

if you’ve never even thought about doing

something, when the time came, if you

were asked to do it, you’d have an

immediate sense of Sure, I can do that

(or learn that), or No way I could do

that. Not possible for me.

The Myth Of I Can’t

A few weeks back I was speaking with a

client who wanted to be more of a

leader in her company and in her life. As

you may know, being a charismatic,

powerful leader is way more than just

knowing what technical decisions to

make. It also contains a huge social

component of being able to speak to

people, influence them, and ultimately

inspire them to be their best. My client

was working on this area.

She

had

incredible

technical

knowledge and skill, and was highly

qualified to make decisions and lead

others. However, she often held back in

meetings with people she considered

more powerful due to their senior status

and years of experience. She compared

herself to them and found herself

lacking, which lead to self-doubt and

staying quiet more than she preferred.

As we discussed the kind of

presence she wanted to have in

meetings, she described a colleague who

seemed very confident in herself. She

spoke

her

mind

freely,

offered

suggestions even if she wasn’t directly

asked for them, and seemed to be

unfazed by someone disagreeing with

her opinion.

As

my

client

described

her

colleague, she said, “I wish I could do

what she does, but I can’t.”

“Really?” I replied. “What is one

specific thing she does that you really

like?”

“I notice she speaks her mind freely,

even if someone might disagree with her.

If she has a thought about something, she

just says it. She trusts in herself.”

“So when she has an opinion or

perspective about the subject being

discussed, she will speak up and share

it? I asked, verifying what I’d heard.

“Yes.”

“Great! That’s very specific. So

which part of that could you physically

not do?”

“Well…” She paused for a moment,

reflecting on the question. “I mean I

could physically speak up. But I’d feel

so nervous doing it. My voice would

sound weak. I don’t think I could pull it

off.”

“Pull it off?” I asked. This was a

fancy technique I learned from one of my

old school psychologist supervisors.

When someone says something vague,

you simply repeat the statement as a

question and they’ll usually get more

specific. Take that tip and use it as you

will. Bonus.

“Yeah, I imagine they would think I

don’t know what I’m talking about and

judge me for not knowing enough about

the subject. If I spoke up like my

colleague, it would not be met with the

same reaction as when she does it.

“So you can use your voice and

speak up in any way you like. There’s no

physical limitation there. But you

imagine others will respond negatively

and so you feel afraid to do those things.

Is that an accurate way of saying it?”

“Yeah, I’d say so.”

I decided to push it slightly more just

to see if she really got the point. “So you

can do this, but you are afraid to, so

you’re choosing not to.”

“Yes.”

This may seem subtle, but it was a

huge shift for her. She started to see how

much she told herself throughout the

week that she couldn’t do the things she

wanted to do. And she believed it. It

was a form of self-hypnosis, or as

Napoleon Hill would call it, auto-

suggestion. She had repeated it so many

times that she just accepted it as the truth

until we had that conversation.

How often do you tell yourself you

can’t do something?

Here’s a fun list of things. Notice if

your initial reaction to each item is Yes, I

can do that (or could eventually with

learning and practice) or No, I can’t do

that (and would never be able to do

that). Read each one and then pause for

just a second. Long enough to note your

inner response.

•

Give an engaging impromptu

speech.

•

Earn $500,000 in a year.

•

Have an outstanding relationship

with a person who rocks your

world.

•

Run a half marathon.

•

Start a conversation with a

stranger for no reason.

•

Become excellent at sales.

•

Comfortably dance while being

completely sober.

So… what did you notice? Lots of

“cans” or “cannots”?

Remember even if you don’t feel like

you can do something right now, if you

feel like you could do that thing if you

invested yourself in learning it, then

that’s just as good. It’s a sign of self-

efficacy, of believing in your ability to

learn something and get good at it with

practice. It is a form of belief in yourself

and your capability.

Now, why on earth would we tell

ourselves we can’t do something that we

actually could do if we invested

ourselves in learning how to do it? It’s

the same reason we tell ourselves any

other story… avoidance. To avoid the

imagined pain of failure, rejection, and

anything else that might happen if we

were to take action towards our dreams.

We may even be afraid of success, of

getting everything we want. Our stories

protect us from that too.

So the next time you catch yourself

saying “I can’t do that”, take a deep

breath. Break the pattern, snap the

hypnosis. You are telling yourself a lie.

It’s complete bullshit. Yes, you can. If

you invested your time, energy, money,

and focus into it, you could. Whether you

want to or not is a different question, but

in terms of capability, the short answer

is you can. You can do anything from that

list above, and anything else you deeply

want to do. Once you remove the

obstacles and stories, learn how to deal

with fear, and consistently take massive

action, there is no end to the level of

confidence you can achieve and the list

of exciting things you can experience in

this life.

Yes, you can.

YOU.

Trying Is Weak

“Do or do not. There is no try.”

- Yoda

Yes, trying is weak. In fact, I don’t

think anyone should try to do anything,

ever.

But wait, what about trying

something new? you may be asking.

Trying something outside of your

comfort zone? Shouldn’t your client try

to be like that confident guy? I mean

you even said he can do all the things

that guy does if he just practices and

applies himself.

Nope. He shouldn’t try to do

anything. Because trying is weak. While

“try” technically means “to make an

attempt or effort for an outcome” that’s

not how most people use the word. Most

people use “try” as a weird form of

verifying they can’t do something.

Selma: “Can you get that report to

me by Friday?”

Adam: “I’ll try.”

Guess when Selma’s getting that

report? I don’t know, but probably not

by Friday. Because “try” is what people

say when they don’t want to say “no.”

Then, when it’s not done, Adam can say,

“Well, I tried.” Then he’s off the hook

because, hey, he tried.

In the moment, we believe we can’t

do something. I can’t get that report

done. I can’t get those sales numbers. I

can’t meet new people at this

networking event. But instead of saying

“I can’t” because that sounds bad, we

say the more socially accepted version,

“I’ll try.”

When we’re trying to do something,

we are coming from a weak place of

dabbling. I’ll put some effort in, but I

already believe I can’t. So, when I hit an

obstacle or experience some discomfort

in the process, I will stop. I will tell

myself, I knew I couldn’t do this, and

reinforce my old story. That’s what

trying is, and that is the level of results

we get when we try.

So what do we do instead?

Own up and say what’s true. “I have

a lot on my plate and that report is too

much for me. I can get it done by

Tuesday. Will that work? What will

happen if I get it to you by 9am Tuesday

morning?”

If there’s something you’re scared to

do, don’t say, “Well, I’ll try.” Instead

work through the fear (next chapter),

learn how to overcome it (also next

chapter), or pick something less scary to

start with. Then do it. Or don’t do it.

And say you’re not going to do it right

now because you don’t feel like

experiencing that much discomfort.

That’s totally okay. You can say that. Just

be honest with yourself. That’s where

the trust in yourself comes from, and

from that trust comes deep confidence.

YOUR STORIES LIVE IN

THE FUTURE

So far you’re seeing how your stories

serve as protection against doing scary

things outside your comfort zone that

could lead to painful outcomes.

The best place for them to focus on

then is the future. Because it hasn’t

happened yet, so it’s the perfect place to

fill with terrifying predictions about

what will happen. If your mind can make

the predictions numerous or bad enough,

this is a highly effective way to stop you

dead in your tracks. Everyone would

laugh at me? Really? Everyone? Geez,

that does sound pretty bad. I certainly

wouldn’t want to feel that…

Here are just a few of the top future

predictions that come up for people:

•

It won’t work.

•

No one will show up.

•

I’ll fail and everyone will think

less of me.

•

They will fire me.

•

I’ll mess up the presentation (and

then they’ll fire me).

•

She won’t want ot talk to me.

•

He will eventually leave me for

a younger woman.

•

They’ll reject me.

Do you notice these stories in your

mind? Mine spits them out all the time. I

learned a long time ago to not believe

what it says because they are often so off

base. Even though your mind presents

these stories with compelling certainty,

its prediction abilities are pretty bad.

Because your mind is not interested in

accurately predicting the future. It is

trying to protect you. It is giving you

whatever story it needs to in order to

stop you from taking action.

That’s so important it’s worth saying

again: Your mind will say whatever it

needs to in order to stop you from taking

action.

Don’t believe the stories. In order to

break free, we have to do the exact

opposite of what this voice says.

If it says you can’t do a presentation,

do a presentation.

If it says you’ll get rejected if you

ask for the sale, ask for the sale.

If it says no one will come to your

event, create an event and invite as many

people as you can.

Do the opposite of what the story

says to do. Doing so puts you on the fast

track to liberation and massive success,

income,

growth,

achievement,

fulfillment, and love. In order to pull this

off, however, you will need something

else. You will need to know how to

over-come fear.

For audios, videos, and more free

resources on how to change your story,

go

to,

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com and

enter your email address to join my newsletter.

WHAT’S UNDERNEATH

THE ROCK?

When I was about seven years old, I was

best friends with a kid named Jeff. One

Spring his parents invited me to spend

four days with their family at a cabin out

in the woods somewhere. I was super

excited and my parents agreed to let me

go.

It was as awesome as I imagined it

would be: running around unrestricted in

a forest that stretched for miles in all

directions, staying up late watching bad

movies like “Swamp Monster,” and

spending lots of time with my homie.

One early morning we decided to go

out exploring in the woods. One of us

figured out that if you lifted a heavy

rock, the earth underneath would be wet

and soft… and filled with all kinds of

things. Sometimes worms, or beetles, or

other creepy crawlies. We ran from rock

to rock, peering underneath and laughing

in delight at all the strange bugs we saw.

Eventually, Jeff came to one extra

large rock and flipped it over. He was

about eight feet from me and I saw him

jump back with a yell and a look of

horror on his face.

“What is it??” I asked as I ran over

to the hole.

There inside the wet earth lay a

small, jet-black scorpion.

Whoa. I’d never seen a scorpion

before. They were poisonous. I knew

that much. Could a sting kill you?

Maybe. My heart pounded. Together we

carefully put the rock back on top of the

little

creature,

making

sure

to

dramatically jump back as we did so,

just in case he leaped from the bottom of

the hole onto one of our faces.

We stared at each other, wide-eyed

and panting. Birds chirped all around us.

The early morning sun was hitting the

tops of the tall fir trees. As we looked at

each other, it became clear we were

both thinking the same thing at the same

time.

“Want to find more?” Jeff asked with

an excited smile.

“Yes!” I responded immediately.

So what’s underneath your rock?

Remember, the first protective layer is

made up of excuses. Beneath that are all

these limiting stories about your identity

and ability. And what’s beneath that?

When you lift off this heavy rock, this

dead weight, what’s really underneath it

all?

A scorpion.

No, don’t take the story above

literally! It’s a metaphor man! Stick with

me. What’s underneath your excuses and

stories is what we felt when we

discovered the scorpion…Fear. That’s

it. Plain and simple. Good old fashion

heart-pounding,

stomach-butterflying,

hand-sweating,

generally-

uncomfortable-in-my-chest-and-stomach

fear.

And guess what? This is fantastic

news. This is the best news you have

received all week, all month, all year.

Because this news will liberate you. It

will set you free. Fear is just an emotion.

An energy. It’s got nothing on you. By the

end of the next chapter you will have

completely transformed the way you see

fear, feel fear, and think about fear. And

by the end of this book, you will smile at

fear as you boldly step into the most

incredible life you can imagine for

yourself.

___________

1 Psychoactive medicines such as the African Iboga root, South American

Ayahuasca, and good old fashion

psilocybin mushrooms have all been

shown in legitimate studies from major

institutions to produce powerful and

lasting effects on life choices, addiction

recovery, and spiritual growth. If done in

the right context, with the right intention

and the right people, those medicines

can produce deep, positive, and life-

long changes in identity. For more

information about this research, visit:

http://www.maps.org.

CHAPTER IV:

______

FEAR

“All our fears are fears of feelings.”

- Christian Mickelsen

AVOIDANCE

Do you like pain? I sure don’t. And if

you’re a living organism on this planet,

you probably share my viewpoint. We,

as humans, don’t like pain. Whether it’s

the physical pain of hitting your thumb

with a hammer, or the emotional pain of

someone telling everyone how stupid

you are for making a mistake, it matters

not. We just plain don’t like it.

And so we do what any sensible

creature would do. We avoid it. We see

the potential for physical or emotional

pain and we go the other way. No thank

you.

This makes sense and seems

reasonable at face value, but there is a

problem with this plan. Can you see it?

Have you personally experienced the

pitfall of this approach to life?

(Un)fortunately, the game of life

seems to be set up like this:

1. We are all going to die.

2. Everyone we know and love will

die, too. (Sorry, I didn’t make the

rules).

3. It is impossible to avoid all pain

and discomfort.

4. The more we try to avoid short-

term discomfort and pain, the

more we experience long term

discomfort and pain.

That last one is huge. Read it again

and ponder it for a moment. Have you

seen this in your life or in the lives of

those around you?

If

we

avoid

the

short-term

discomfort of getting our ass out of bed

in the morning to work out, we

eventually experience the long-term pain

of heart disease, diabetes, and a bunch

of other unpleasant stuff.

If we avoid the risk of speaking up at

work and instead choose to lay low and

avoid all assertion and confrontation, we

may dodge some short-term pain or

discomfort. But we will soon start to

experience another, more depressing

kind of discomfort. We will feel

powerless, ignored, or not respected. As

time goes by we start to experience the

daily pain of being stuck on the same

level of the company while everyone

else has been promoted. Or we

experience the pain of working in a job

that we don’t like but are afraid to lose.

Is this making sense? Can you see the

truth in this? I’m hammering this one

home because our pull to avoid

discomfort is so strong that it takes quite

a bit of repetition for us to break free of

it. To put it more simply:

Avoidance = relief in the short-term,

but PAIN in the long term.

Or, even more directly:

AVOIDANCE = PAIN

What kind of pain? The pain of not

doing what you know on some level you

are capable of doing. The ache of

watching your life pass you by without

you fully participating in it. The shock of

looking back at the last ten years and

seeing how little has changed. The

sorrow and anguish of regret. The pain

of hundreds or even thousands of missed

opportunities for connection, excitement,

happiness, and joy. The pain of a life not

fully lived.

Does this make you uncomfortable?

A little shifty in your seat and unsettled?

Good. That’s exactly the kind of wake up

call we all need because all of us are

avoiding things on some level. We are

all looking for the easier way, the safer

route, or the less difficult path. And

we’re doing it so habitually that much of

our avoidance is unconscious. We’re not

even aware of it.

That’s what all of those excuses and

stories are about. Avoidance. Avoiding

what we’re afraid of. And what we’re

afraid of is pain. Somewhat physical

pain, but mostly emotional pain. Painful

feelings,

such

as

uncertainty,

embarrassment, unworthiness, shame,

and vulnerability.

And the more we avoid these painful

feelings, the weaker we become. The

stronger our fear grows and the more

anxious and restricted we are. We

become able to do less and less. The

cage grows tighter… Until we decide to

break free.

APPROACH

The best, most effective, and only way to

overcome fear is to stop avoiding it. To

approach it head on. This can take many

forms, which we’ll talk about below, but

ultimately, we must be willing to face

our fears to be free of them.

This does not necessarily mean

doing the thing you’re scared of right

away. In fact, the first place to start is

inside of your own mind and body. Most

people are terrified of physically feeling

fear, dread, or other uncomfortable

emotions, because they are upsetting,

unpleasant, and agitating. We want them

to go away. Or we want to get away

from them.

If you want confidence, though, you

must change this habit. Many clients

come to me because they want

confidence, and their definition of

confidence is “I never want to feel this

stupid fear or anxiety ever again.” I tell

them I can help them become completely

free from their fears, which they love.

Then I tell them it will involve being

willing to feel your fear more than you

ever have, which they love a lot less.

To gain true and lasting confidence,

you must commit to turning towards the

discomfort, and towards what you fear -

both internally and externally. You must

be willing to do this again and again, not

just once or twice. You must be willing

to make this a way of life. That will give

you all the confidence you seek. It will

bring you an incredible quality of life

and amazing experiences. It will bring

you everything… If you’re willing to

walk through the fire.

Below you will find five powerful

tools and methods that guide you through

exactly how to do this. You’ll discover

how to face fear, deal with fear, soften

fear, smile at fear, and ultimately walk

right through fear. Each one of these five

habits is in itself a life-changing lesson.

I have spent the last twelve years of

my life obsessed with this. I have not

stopped studying it. I can’t for some

reason. Having been so scared of so

many things for so long, I created a

magnificent obsession with how to be

free of fear. I’ve read hundreds of books,

listened to just as many audiobooks,

attended dozens of seminars and

invested hundreds of thousands of

dollars and years of my life learning

these secrets. Then I tested the hell out

of every single one of them thousands of

times, with myself and with every single

one of my clients. This is the best of the

best. If you apply it, this shit works.

Ready?

FIVE WAYS TO

OVERCOME FEAR SO IT

NEVER HOLDS YOU

BACK AGAIN

1. How To Resolve Fear

Facing fear does not start with doing a

bunch of stuff in the world. It doesn’t

involve being a macho badass, storming

into

the

boardroom,

or

boldly

approaching that group of attractive

strangers at the bar. All that stuff is great

if you want to do that sort of thing, but it

comes later.

The first fear you must face is the

fear of your own feelings. Across the

board, people are terrified by negative

feelings. We don’t like them. We feel

ashamed of having them. We fear people

will judge us if they knew we

experienced them. We hate them. We try

to make them go away as quickly as

possible. We try to escape.

What’s on TV? Turn on some music.

Listen to a podcast. Check your email.

Sign on to the web and say, “Hmm, what

is it I need to look up? I need to know

something right now.” Grab a drink. Roll

a joint. Buy a pack of cigarettes. Eat a

chocolate bar (or two). Get a Big Mac

and a milk shake. Preferably strawberry.

Mmm, delicious toxic milk shake. Where

was I?

Ah yes, avoidance of our feelings.

We all do it. And if you want to have

ultra-high levels of internal confidence

and outer success, you will need to stop

doing it. We must face our feelings in

order to resolve them. To let them go. To

release them.

How do we do that?

It’s actually very, very simple. So

simple a six-year-old kid can do it

(although your mind wants to make it

overly complicated so that it can avoid

doing it). Let’s learn it by doing it

together now. All you do is focus your

attention on the sensations in your body.

Don’t think about them, analyze them, try

to figure out where they came from or

how to make them go away. Just feel

them. That’s it.

I told you it was simple. Easy? Not

really. We have a lot of momentum

pulling us away from our feelings. It

takes a commitment to breaking the

pattern of fear, a strong desire to be free,

and a good deal of courage to

consistently turn towards our feelings

and allow ourselves to really feel them.

Our patterns of avoidance can be so

automatic, or so subtle that we don’t

even know we’re avoiding fear. We

might not even be aware of the fear. We

just might have a strong urge to go order

a heavy, salty, deep-fried lunch, or to

flick on our computer and go to our

favorite porn site.

We want to become very curious

about these decisions and actions. Not

harshly

judging

and

condemning

ourselves as weak-willed pathetic

losers. Just curious. I wonder what I

could be avoiding right now? I wonder

what I’m afraid of?

When we start really looking, we

don’t

have

to

search

very

far.

Remember, we are most afraid of our

feelings, not necessarily the events

surrounding them.

Let’s use an example to make this

concept clearer. Can you think of

something you’d like to do, that would

really move you forward in your life?

Something that would help you double

your sales or your income? Something

that would help you meet an amazing

partner,

or

make

more

friends?

Something that would bring more to your

life, but involves doing things that scare

you?

Got it? Good. Think about doing that

thing now. Maybe it’s giving more sales

presentations,

or

cold

calls,

or

approaching that influential person who

has the kinds of connections you’d like

to have. Maybe it’s asking for a raise or

increasing fees for products and services

in your own business. Maybe it’s

walking over to that attractive man and

smiling at him as you say hi. Maybe it’s

telling your wife something you’ve

avoided telling her for months.

Feeling some fear? Some angst?

Great! Bring your attention right to it.

Focus your awareness on the physical

sensations in your body.

Slow way down as you read this.

Read these next few paragraphs very…

very…slowly.

Breathe.

If you feel discomfort in several

places in your body at once, just pick

one of them and focus on that area. If it

moves, follow it. Go right into the center

of it: the place of the most discomfort.

See if you can drop your resistance to

the feeling. Almost always our default

approach towards our uncomfortable

feelings is, Ughh… You again?! See if

you can soften that resistance a little (or

a lot). Try saying, “I consent” instead.

This feeling is already here now. Ok,

you can be here. I’m going to allow

this. Can you accept the feeling and just

let it be there without trying to change it

in any way?

Breathe, relax, and just notice it. Let

it move through you. Give it all the time

it needs (which is usually not that much

time, even though it might feel like

forever).

That is how to face fear. And

rejection. And failure. And any other

negative emotion that comes up as a

result of some external experience (or

imagined future experience).

This is the most useful, powerful,

and effective thing you can do to

overcome fear in your life. The more

you do this, the less scared you will

become. You will stop running from your

feelings. And since all of our fears are

really just fears of feelings, not events,

we stop running from the events we once

were avoiding experiencing.

After going through this process

enough, fear dissolves. Sometimes it

takes five minutes, sometimes it takes

fifty. You don’t have to do all fifty

minutes straight (although that’s an

incredibly powerful experience). You

can just face it for five minutes at a time

over the course of a week. Whatever it

takes.

As you sit with the fear, simply being

with it without trying to analyze it, solve

it with your brain, or make it go away, it

will often dissolve. It’s just energy. You

will stop bottling it up and it can pass

right through you, leaving you with a

sense of peace and a clear head.

Commit to doing this whenever fear

comes up for you. Or start with just five

minutes per day. It will transform your

life.

2. How To Love Fear

As you stop running from your

uncomfortable feelings and start meeting

them with acceptance, magical things

start happening. You will notice more

confidence, more strength, and more

boldness. However, there is something

else we must do, if we want to become

completely free from fear holding us

back. We must learn how to love fear.

Now I know that might seem like a

stretch. We were just talking about

acknowledging fear and not judging it.

Maybe even accepting it. But loving it? I

mean come on! It’s so uncomfortable!

And it’s weak and pathetic. I shouldn’t

be feeling this fear anyways. Love the

fear? That sounds way too woo-woo

and soft.

I was actually just speaking with a

client about this several hours ago. His

reaction to this idea was that it feels

weak and embarrassing that he would

even have the fear in the first place, let

alone need to send it love.

If that’s how your mind is reacting

that’s ok. That’s just fear too. For men

there is often a fear of gentleness,

because it is seen as too feminine or not

“manly” enough. However, many women

I have worked with are also scared of

and

uncomfortable

with

treating

themselves and their emotions with love

and tenderness.

There’s so much unquestioned, junko

conditioning in our brains that makes us

mistrustful and skeptical of just giving

ourselves a break. Unfounded stories

about

how

we’ll

be

apathetic,

unmotivated, and otherwise ineffective

unless we hate the shit out of ourselves

for being scared or having some other

“unacceptable” emotion.

How has that been working so far as

a strategy? What kind of results does it

produce? Usually mediocre at best, with

lots of unwanted side effects. Want to

know a much better, faster, cleaner, and

more effective way to move from fear to

a life of extraordinary confidence and

success? Love the fear.

Fear comes from pain. Pain about

feeling pain. Or pain about the idea that

in the future we will experience more

pain. The fear is like a wound, and your

attention and love is like the healing

salve that will bring you back to health.

So as you pay attention to the fear

and stop resisting it, go one step further

and send it love. If your mind says

“how?” that’s it just throwing up another

roadblock to self-love. It’s still a little

freaked out about the whole idea ( if I

don’t hate and bully myself, then how

am I going to win at life? ). That’s fine,

you can just send love to that part of the

fear too.

Just breath in and out. Take slightly

deeper breaths, right into the area in

your chest, throat, or stomach that feels

tight. Focus right on the sensation, just as

you did before, but this time, also

silently say in your mind, I love you.

Keep gently repeating this, telling the

sensations I love you again and again.

Open

your

heart

and

hold

the

uncomfortable sensations with as much

patience, forgiveness, and tenderness as

you can muster. Like holding a scared

child who just woke up from a

nightmare. Bathe the sensation in love.

I love you. I know you’re scared.

It’s ok. It’s ok for you to be here. You

can be scared as long as you like, and

I’m not going anywhere, little guy. I

love you.

Put your hand on your chest, right

over your heart as you do this, and keep

it there. Do this for three, four or five

minutes straight. Set a timer on your

phone for four minutes, and just do this

practice fully until the alarm rings. You

will be amazed at the effect. It might feel

like a long time as you’re doing it, but in

the big scheme of your life, is four

minutes really that much time? Is it

worth doing this once or even several

times per day if it means living in much

less fear and with much greater

confidence and joy?

You can also comment on what you

are noticing and choose to love and

accept whatever arises. That would

sound something like this: Even though

I’m feeling scared right now, I love and

accept myself.

Even though I feel tension in my

solar plexus, I love and accept myself.

Even though I am worried that I will

bomb in my presentation tomorrow, I

love and accept myself. Even though

I’m frustrated with myself, and telling

myself I shouldn’t be scared, I love and

accept myself.

Basically, you are just narrating

whatever arises: a thought, a feeling, a

sensation, and then saying that even

though that’s happening, you love and

accept yourself. Taking a deep breath

and sighing in between each statement

makes it even more impactful.

To discover an even more detailed

breakdown of this life-changing strategy,

I encourage you to go to

http://YourConfidenceCode.com.

SUPPORTING THE SCARED PART

The part inside of you that is scared and

creating all that inner commotion needs

acceptance and love. You can think of it

as if it were another person outside of

you. If your best friend was really

anxious—I mean really terrified of

something—how would you respond?

Most likely you would talk with her.

You would listen, offer empathy,

support, encouragement, and love. You’d

be with her in her time of need.

An incredibly powerful and effective

technique for loving your fear involves

speaking with it directly. As you pay

attention to your fear and send it love,

focusing on the place of discomfort in

your body, notice what that discomfort

would be saying if it could speak.

If your chest feels like it’s full of

pressure and about to explode, focus

right on the most intense place in your

chest, breathe, and listen. What little (or

big) voice is yelling in your head? What

does the pressure in your chest say?

It’s usually something simple. Such

as:

•

Ahh, I don’t like this!

•

I don’t want people to die!

•

I hate losing friends!

•

No one’s going to come!

•

I’m going to fail!

•

I want them to like me!

•

They’re going to think I’m

stupid!

•

I hate this!

Whatever it says, you will respond

in the same way: with compassion and

empathy. Start with “yeah” or “of

course.”

Yeah, you don’t want for no one to

come. You’re scared of no one showing

up and it being embarrassing. That

would be difficult.

Of course you don’t want to fail in

front of all those people. You’re

worried about your speech. That’s ok.

Yes, you’re scared that he’ll never

call back and of getting rejected. Of

course! Who wants to get rejected?

This is in direct contrast to how most

people deal with their fear. Instead of

just allowing it, they brace themselves

for battle and try to beat it back. This is

usually completely ineffective, makes

the fear grow stronger, and increases

tension in our bodies because we’re

squeezing our innards even more by

trying to make a feeling go away.

When I guide clients through this

exercise in one-on-one or group

coaching sessions, the most common

way they try to relate to their fears is

with something along the lines of, “Oh, it

will be ok if no one comes. You’ll learn

from it and do better the next time!”

This is the old “pep talk” approach,

which seems well-meaning on the

surface, but actually falls horribly short

in effectiveness. It comes from our

parents or other loving adults who did

this with us when we were kids because

they were not that sure of how to handle

painful feelings themselves. Seeing their

beloved child suffering made their hearts

hurt, so they tried to make it go away as

quickly as possible. “There, there now.

Stop feeling that way. It’s time to cheer

up and look on the bright side.”

This doesn’t truly work. It’s sub-

optimal.

Instead, let’s use empathy. That

means acknowledging their pain, and

describing it to them. It’s giving them a

reflection so they know that someone

else sees them, gets them. This is a

profound human need.

When my son falls or gets hurt in

some way, and he runs to my wife or me,

crying, we pick him up and hold him

close. This is somewhat helpful, but he

calms down much faster if we also

narrate what happened. “You were

standing on the step, and then you fell

over and hit your head.” He’ll respond

with an emphatic, “yeah!” and will stop

crying instantly. We all want this. We all

need this. Start by giving it to yourself.

Let’s look at a real example:

Scared Part (SP): Ahhhh!!

Me: Hey buddy, you sound pretty

scared.

SP: Yeah, I am.

Me: What’s going on?

SP: There’s so much going on. We’re

getting this house remodel done, and it

seems behind schedule, and the baby is

coming in November, but maybe sooner.

I don’t want him to come early. I’m

scared of him coming early and dying or

needing all kinds of medical attention

and then dying. Ahh!

Me: Whew, yeah man, that’s intense.

That would be really painful to lose your

son. It’s such a vulnerable thing to bring

a new life into the world.

SP: Yeah, I hate it! I don’t want to

get hurt.

Me: I bet. That would be a really

painful experience that would take a

long time to heal from. You’d have to

feel a lot of grief along the way. You

don’t like losing babies, or people you

love.

SP: No, I don’t. Now I’m scared of

someone reading this and judging me.

They might think, “This is terrible. I

can’t believe he’s writing this. How is

this supposed to help me, he’s just

blathering on about himself the whole

time.”

Me: Yeah, you don’t want people to

judge you. You don’t like when people

judge or criticize you. You also don’t

like being exposed to potential judgment.

I think it makes you feel really

vulnerable.

SP: People might say, “This book is

terrible; not as good as his first; pure

garbage!”

Me: You’re scared of being publicly

criticized. I get it! Who would want that?

Anyone who puts himself out there is

impacted by reviews and prefers good

ones to bad ones. That’s true for authors,

artists, poets, filmmakers, actors, and

many more people.

SP: I won’t be able to earn enough

money to support my family.

Me: You’re worried about not

having enough money to support the

family. Sure, that would be an unpleasant

situation. Like you won’t have enough

money for food and shelter?

SP: No, that we don’t have enough to

pay all of our bills.

Me: Ok, so not basic survival

necessities, but other bills?

SP: Yeah, like a car payment, or life

insurance, or business expenses such as

hosting all the stuff I do on the web.

Me: Sure, you’re scared of not being

able to have a car or insurance to protect

your family in case you die. That would

be difficult to have to cancel that

insurance. I love you. You are doing

such a great job of seeing the potential

dangers and threats to our family. You’re

doing a great job.

SP: Really?

Me: Yeah, I think so.

SP: But you’re always telling me I’m

full of shit and that none of these things

will ever happen, and that I should stop

believing my thoughts, and feeling

scared is bad and it’s all my fault.

Me: Hmm, I guess I have been pretty

hard on you lately. I’ve definitely been

trying to ignore you, or talk you out of

being scared, saying everything will be

fine and to stop bothering me. I’m sorry.

I think you’re actually a really important

part of the team.

SP: Really? That’s a relief.

Me: Yeah man! I mean you are out

there all day looking for potential threats

and letting us know. You’re the one

who’s got to face the hard things out

there. Thank you for what you do.

SP: Thanks.

Me: Hey, I have a question for you.

Why do you always predict we’re going

to fail before we do a new project or

endeavor?

SP: Because I don’t want you to do

it.

Me: But aren’t you worried about

money? If we never did anything in the

business, we wouldn’t earn any money.

SP: Yeah, I don’t want that either.

Me: So you don’t want to do new

things and you still want to have money

coming in.

SP: Yes!

Me: Haha, ok. I was just curious. I

like your style. I love you.

SP: I love you too.

As I did this exercise, there were

moments when I felt profound relief.

This part of me just needed my attention,

empathy, love, and understanding.

When he started mentioning not

being able to pay certain bills, I really

wanted to offer a counter. To tell him

that we don’t really need any of that

stuff, that it’s materialistic and doesn’t

matter anyway, so stop worrying about

it. I realized I’ve been treating him in a

cold, dismissive manner. As soon as I

uncovered this and thanked him and truly

appreciated him, I felt a tremendous

wave of relief flood through my entire

body.

Can

you

have

this

kind

of

conversation with yourself? Or, perhaps

a better question would be, are you

willing to have this kind of conversation

with yourself?

What if you just dropped the

resistance for a moment, and just let that

fear be there? Sometimes when I’m

struggling with a fear and trying my best

to make it go away (yes, I still get stuck

in that pattern sometimes too), my wife

helps me out. I’m laying there in bed,

kind of distant and withdrawn, because

I’m trying to use some of my mental

CBT, NLP, or other 3-letter acronym

mental jujitsu to banish an uncomfortable

feeling.

When I eventually confess what’s

going on and allow my wife to help me,

she sometimes says this: “Imagine that

scared part of you is a little kid and

you’re giving him a warm bath. He’s

shaking and frightened and you draw up

a nice, hot, relaxing bath. You put some

shampoo in his hair, sing him some

songs, and then afterwards wrap him up

in a nice cozy towel.”

If that’s not love, I don’t know what

is. (She’s much better at this “loving the

fear” stuff than me). Give that scared

part of you a bath. Imagine putting him

into a nice warm tub, and offering him as

much love as you can muster. Profound

relief is just a conversation away…

3. How To Take Fear Less

Seriously

“I’ve lived through some terrible

things in my life, some of which

actually happened.”

- Mark Twain

A while back when I was growing my

coaching business I was plagued with

persisting feelings of fear and insecurity.

Ironic, given that it was a confidence

coaching business. But I always knew it

wasn’t about me being perfect, it was

about me being willing to continually

work on myself and to overcome the next

obstacle, so that I could turn around and

help thousands of other people do the

same.

One source of that fear was a doom

and gloom story that everything would

somehow fall apart. Things had been

going well for over a year, I was earning

more than I ever had, yet I was terrified

that all my clients would leave, none

would come back, no more books would

sell, no one would buy any new training

programs, and the whole thing would

evaporate into a cloud of mist. Oh, and

then I guess my family and I would die

from starvation under a bridge.

At the time I was working with Steve

Chandler, an incredible coach who

helped me reach the next level of

liberation, power, and confidence in

myself and in life. He’s a sage man with

decades of coaching experience, a poof

of white hair, and the deepest voice I’d

ever heard, save for James Earl Jones of

Darth Vader fame.

One time I was listening to an audio

interview he did with someone on our

home stereo system. My wife walked

into the room and said, “What are you

listening to?”

I told her it was Steve interviewing

someone.

“His voice is so…deep!” she

exclaimed with wonder.

Anywho, in one session I was telling

him all about my story of woe and how

anxious it made me feel and he asked me

this question.

“Aziz, what if you took the fear less

seriously?”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “I

know what it’s saying is not true, but it

feels so believable. I emotionally

respond before I can do anything.”

“Well,” he paused for a moment.

“You have a son, right?”

“Yes.”

“Imagine you were walking down a

hallway in your house with your son and

just before you opened the door to a

closet he said, ‘Dad! Don’t open the

closet door! There’s a monster in there

that will bite your head!’ In that instance,

would you be scared to open the door?”

“Haha, no” I laughed, imagining the

scene unfold in my mind. “It’s cute.”

“What would you do?” he asked me.

“Well, I guess I would say, ‘Really?

Are you sure? Let’s open the door and

find out.’ Then we’d open the door

together. I don’t know, maybe I’d get a

golf club or something so he felt like we

could take the monster down if we

needed to.”

“That’s how you want to be with

your fear story,” he replied. “It’s like a

kid who’s afraid of a monster behind the

closet door. It’s not real. You don’t have

to take it so seriously.”

That conversation was a huge

breakthrough for me. For years I thought

I had to not feel afraid or somehow push

through the fear until it vanished. I never

considered that the fearful voice could

keep going and I could just watch it with

amusement.

What monsters does your mind

imagine are behind doors in your life?

What if the next time your mind

predicted something awful, instead of

getting carried away by it and spooking

yourself, you simply smiled at it.

Imagine a kid with a spaghetti strainer

helmet and a plastic sword, cautiously

walking towards the door, waiting for

the monster to spring out. It puts a smile

on my face every time I think about it.

Note the key point in the metaphor is

that you actually open the door and

reveal that there is no monster. If you

turn around and run the other way,

screaming, “Monster! Monster! Honey,

our boy told me there’s a monster in the

closet! Ahh!” then you know you’re

taking it seriously. In order for this

approach to work, you have to smile at

the amusing nature of the catastrophe

story, and then walk through the door to

greet whatever is on the other side of it.

Again and again. That is what the next

chapter - Action - is all about.

Just remember this: the predictions

in your mind about what is behind the

closet door—or what will happen if you

hired a new person, had that sales

conversation, or asked that person out—

are not real. They are not even accurate.

We are terrible at predicting the future.

So the next time your mind tells you

something about the future, just smile.

Then go find out what happens when you

really open the door.

Just FYI, at the time of writing this, I

have yet to be bitten by a monster when

opening a door (although that doesn’t

stop my mind from predicting that there

certainly will be a horrid monster

behind the next door).

4. How To Turn Fear Into

Power

Fear is just an energy. It’s a collection of

sensations in your body - tightness,

squeezing, pumping, tingling. It can

include worried thoughts or images in

your mind of bad things happening. But

all of that is just an energy moving

through your body. It may be unpleasant,

but there’s definitely a charge to it. It

makes

you

antsy,

restless,

and

uncomfortable. It makes you want to get

up, move around, pace, run away, or do

something to get rid of it. In this way, it

is has great potential to be converted

into something else: Power.

How do we do this? Simple.

Remember, fear is a response, activated

by your nervous system when there is a

perceived threat. When the danger

arises, our body kicks into high gear and

is prepared to flee or fight. Fear is the

flee part. We feel scared, powerless,

helpless, incapable, small. We want to

run away.

But the same energy in our nervous

system could be used to fight. To charge

the predator, to defend the herd, to

respond with power.

That is what you need to activate in

order to turn fear into power. No, that

doesn’t mean hitting your colleagues in

the face when you’re nervous in a

meeting. But it does involve using your

voice and body in ways you might not be

accustomed to. Perhaps in ways you’ve

never done before in your life.

The simplest way to illustrate it is to

use an example that everyone’s seen.

What do football players do before they

get on the field, especially before a big

game? Do they sit there, stationary and

pensive, waiting for the death clock to

reach zero before they have to face their

fate? Do they slowly walk out onto the

field, limply waving at people?

Absolutely not. Absurd, right? What

do they do instead? They get pumped the

fuck up. Before the game they have

someone give them an inspiring speech

about how badass they are and how they

are going to crush it. They stand up, start

moving around. They wave their arms

and hit their chests. They start chanting

and yelling things.

I know one football player who

would say this at the top of his lungs

during a pump-up session: “I am an

incredible,

unstoppable,

sacking

machine.”

“I

AM

AN

INCREDIBLE,

UNSTOPPABLE,

SACKING

MACHINE!”

He would yell this, bang his right

hand against his chest, then belt out an

incredibly loud, “Hwahhh!” He would

perform this routine dozens and dozens

of times before a game, working himself

into some kind of frenzy.

Sound crazy? So what? This shit

works! That’s why every athlete does

some version of this. But you don’t have

to be a professional athlete to have

permission to do this. You can just

decide to start doing this right now.

Start by being alone where no one

can hear you. This way you won’t be

self-conscious. Well, not too self-

conscious to do it at any rate. Then put

on a song that gets your blood pumping.

Then just start ranting, waving your

arms, hitting your chest, and yelling shit.

It doesn’t matter what you say, it’s about

tapping into that energy and physical

power in your body.

Feel silly or stupid? Good. Keep

doing it. Get even more intense. Jump up

and down. Shout out the word, “Yes!”

My favorite one is a really simple

phrase that reminds me how I want to be

everyday of my life.

I AM BOLD!

I like to shout this out at the top of

my lungs in the car.

At my live weekend events, I create

a setting where people get to practice

this many times throughout the day.

During the first pump-up, some people

are a little hesitant, skeptical, or

reserved. But once they see others and

myself jumping around like primate

maniacs, some part of them wants to as

well. It’s probably their inner kid who

loves to jump around like a maniac

(remember how fun it was to jump on the

bed when you were little?).

The results are noticeable and

dramatic. By activating this much power

in their bodies, people are able to do

things during the weekend that they’ve

never done in their entire lives, such as

creating an engaging conversation with a

group of strangers, or approaching a

beautiful person and asking them out.

As you are building your energy, you

can also go on a rant about how badass

you are, how you nailed it yesterday, and

how you’re going to crush it today. One

client I worked with became the poster-

child for pump-ups. He was in a group I

was running and he became this

technique’s biggest advocate. Each week

he would tell the other members how

excited he was about it. His routine

would start in the shower where he

would hit his chest, flex his muscles and

say, “Dude, you got this! You’re the man!

You crushed it yesterday. Today is going

to be even better. You are a badass

leader. Everyone wants to talk with you.

Everyone looks up to you. You’re the

man!”

He would continue this on his drive

to work, and in his head sometimes

throughout the day. This allowed him to

turn his nervous, fearful energy into

power. And it made him take much

bolder action in the world. Within one

month of starting the group, he blasted

through his fear of talking to anyone in

his office. Within three months he was

giving stellar presentations and getting

noticed. The next month he was invited

to a small group conversation with the

CEO of his company and he said he

talked casually, made jokes, and “just

chilled with the CEO like it was no big

deal.” I’m telling you, this guy is the

poster child for pump-ups.

Do it. Seriously, just do it. Just give

it a shot. Do it several times and see

what happens. This shit works.

If you want to get the master’s level

version of how to do this, how to anchor

it into your body so you can access it

whenever you need it, and much more, I

highly

recommend

my

program

Confidence Unleashed! It will help you

obliterate fear and transform it into an

endless source of power. You can learn

more

at,

http://ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com.

5. How To Use Fear To

Guide You

I didn’t learn this one until just last year.

I was doing quite well before then, but

when I discovered this secret, the brakes

just exploded off. My personal growth,

income, and zest for life skyrocketed.

When clients I’ve worked with have

adopted this approach, their confidence,

dating lives, businesses, and profits

dramatically increased.

Seriously, it’s the golden ticket. But

here’s the catch: you can’t do it unless

you have mastered the other ways of

working with fear. That’s why it’s

number five on this list of steps. So,

once you’ve got a handle of those first

four steps, use this one to break through

to the next level. Here’s how:

Whenever you hear that little voice

of the Safety Police in your head that

tells you that you can’t do something,

that you’ll fail, that you’ll get rejected,

that it’s too much, that you’re not good

enough, and so forth…Do the exact thing

it is saying you cannot do.

In fact, start listening to that voice,

not to guide you away from things, but to

give you a clue as to exactly the next

thing you can do to explode your

confidence and success in life.

My good friend and colleague, Ben

Allen summarizes this philosophy in a

simple and extremely powerful phrase:

Fear is an invitation. It’s an invitation to

take action, to approach, to do the very

thing that part of you wants to run and

hide from.

So when that voice says, Don’t

speak up in this meeting, it won’t go

well, that is a direct indication that you

need to be speaking up in meetings more.

It’s showing you the next thing you can

do to make your life even more

awesome.

Here’s how this progression has

worked for me.

My Safety Police said, You can’t

switch from clinical psychology to

coaching. No one will hire you as a

coach. So I switched the work I was

doing, created a new website, and

started offering coaching.

Then the voice said, You can coach

people in person, but not over Skype.

You won’t be effective and you’ll fail.

So I started coaching people over Skype.

Then the voice said, You won’t be

able to coach people over the phone.

So I started doing phone coaching as

well.

Then the voice said, You can’t do

groups over the phone. No one will

come, and it won’t work. Double

whammy. So I started a coaching group

over the phone with men from all over

the country. I was intending my first

group to have six people. We ended up

beginning with seven. Could these

predictions be any more off-base?

But they kept coming. Next it said,

You can’t do one-on-one weekend

intensives, no one will come to one of

those. I’ve done dozens by now.

You can’t do a larger in-person

training. No one will come to that!

Guess what I did next?

I think you get the point. You can use

your negative, fear-based stories to

guide you towards your next step. It’s

scary, it brings up fear, and it forces you

to work on your stuff directly. And it

produces confidence and results like

nobody’s business.

It’s like running down a hill where

you never quite catch yourself. You keep

going faster and faster and your mind

says you’re going to fall and it will all

be over, but you never really fall. Or you

do, and you get back up again and keep

going and it’s no big deal.

You can use this for any aspect you

want more confidence in: public

speaking, dating and relationships,

starting conversations with people,

networking,

sales,

presentations,

leadership, marketing, business. Find the

thing that scares you, the thing that your

mind says you absolutely cannot do, and

go do it.

In order to pull this one off, you will

need more keys. You will need to know

how to take massive action, unlock

unstoppable courage, and pursue what

you want in life with relentless

determination. All of which you will

discover in the next chapter…

CHAPTER V:

______

ACTION

“Fear is the only thing in the world

that gets smaller as you run towards

it.”

- Tiamo de Vettori

“Take decisive action and your fear

won’t matter. Take that decisive action

enough times and your fear won’t exist

any more.”

- Dusan Djukich

THE KEY TO

CONFIDENCE AND

SUCCESS

Action is the ultimate key to ever-

increasing confidence and massive

success in any area of life. The flipside

of this is true as well: inaction is the

primary reason for low confidence and a

lack of success.

All of the other chapters in this book

were designed to help you remove the

blocks to action. Excuses, stories, the

sensation of fear - all of these tend to

block action. And once you bust through

them and take action, that’s when things

really start to accelerate.

Imagine this (only slightly) wacky

scenario for a moment. Let’s say there’s

a vast, wide-open field of vibrant, green

grass. Way down at the other end of the

field is a pot of gold, or career success,

or the respect of your peers, or the love

and attention of a beautiful partner.

Whatever would inspire you the most to

get out on the grass and go across that

field. Imagine you’re not the only one out

there. There are hundreds of people out

on this field. People of all ages, genders,

cultures,

ethnicities,

classes

and

economic statuses.

Everyone wants what’s at the edge of

the field. And yet, you notice something

strange. Not everyone is out there

running towards that compelling thing

that excites them most. Some are

walking slowly. Some seem turned

around and are actually walking the

wrong direction. Others seem stopped

entirely, frozen in place. Still others

seem to be moving in wide circles,

never really moving beyond a certain

point. You notice several people sitting

on the ground, facing the opposite

direction. There’s even a guy sprinting

the dead opposite direction from what he

wants most.

What the hell is going on here?

The people who are stopped in place

are most likely paralyzed by some

excuse or story. I can’t move forward

because ___________(insert story here,

such as: something outside of my control

that’s not my fault, and/or I’m not good

enough to get that pot of gold or love)

Those who are moving in the

opposite direction of the pot, are most

likely retreating due to fear. Much like

the brave, bold Sir Robbin from Monty

Python’s Quest For The Holy Grail,

when they encountered something scary,

they turned and fled, saying, “Run

away!”

When they get to what feels like a

safer distance, they may turn back

around and set out again. Or they may sit

down and entrench themselves in a story.

I tried and it didn’t work. Therefore it

never will work. Sorry, thems the

breaks.

So you have all these people running

around in all directions in this field.

Excuses, stories, and fear running

amuck. It’s chaos. Pandemonium.

What about the people moving

forward towards the pot of gold, love,

and creative fulfillment? They are taking

action.

Each step towards that goal comes in

the form of action in your daily life.

Sometimes it can be big, dramatic

action, but usually it’s small, simple,

basic action. It’s making a phone call,

asking for the sale, sitting down to write

the proposal, blocking off time to

complete the project. It’s moving

towards that beautiful stranger who

excites you, it’s taking the risk and going

in for the kiss, it’s saying “I love you”

first. It’s deciding to go to your friends’

dinner party rather than retreating for yet

another night of binging on Game Of

Thrones and Chunky Monkey.

Those are the people moving

forward on the field. Action moves you

forward. Nothing else. Positive thinking,

affirmations,

visualization,

wishing,

hoping, thinking about it, talking about it,

and saying you’re going to do it: all of

these habits do not move you forward.

They might help you remove the inner

blocks to action but at the end of the day

you must take action if you want to

create the confidence you want in your

life.

Some people on the field might be

running, some jogging, some walking. It

doesn’t matter--any forward motion is

good. And, it is possible to get into

better shape so that you can easily

sustain a nice jogging pace towards your

ultimate goals. Take that next step. Each

step forward is action. Action ultimately

leads to confidence, progress, power,

and success.

You may be nodding your head as

you read this, ready to dive in and tear

shit up in your life. You may be slightly

shaking your head from side to side,

wondering how do I take action? What

action? What if it’s too hard or scary?

What if I fail?

Shut up! Stop your whining and get

onto that field you sissy! Now run! Go

go go! Move!

Oops, sorry. My friend who was a

sergeant in the army told me to write

that. He says it worked wonders for the

“softies” at boot camp.

Where were we? Ah yes, taking

action. This chapter is going to help you

get

into

action.

Massive,

rapid,

powerful, fucking unstoppable action.

You’re going to discover a scientifically

proven

method

to

creating

huge

reservoirs of courage so you can face

whatever you need to face and slay

whatever dragons and demons you need

to slay in order to create the life you

want.

You’re going to learn how to

completely change the way you see

action so it’s no longer overwhelming,

stressful or terrifying. You’re also going

to learn how to blast through confusion,

uncertainty and other delay tactics.

And finally, you’re going to break

free from any fears of rejection that may

be holding you back from taking the

actions you know you want to take.

You’ll discover the real source of pain

around rejection, and how to let it go so

it’s no longer such a big deal. You’ll

learn how to handle, overcome, and heal

any fears about getting rejected so you

can float your way across that grassy

field, more easily and quickly than you

ever imagined.

Read this chapter. Read it twice.

Apply what you learn. Do this, and your

life will never be the same again.

You’ll soon get to experience

firsthand the joy of moving gracefully

forward towards goals that excite and

inspire you. You’ll feel the joy of

increasing confidence and self-esteem.

And you’ll see that the ultimate victory

is not in getting the pot of gold, or

success, or love. It’s about the mastery

of moving across the field with grace,

peace, and joy. Because as soon as you

get to that pot of gold, you’ll see another

one even further down the field, and you

get to do it all over again.

THE SCIENCE OF

CREATING COURAGE

Courage is what will catapult you into

action. As you break through layers of

excuses and stories, you’ll start to make

contact with good old-fashioned raw

fear. The kind of fear that induces the

fight or flight instinct, minus the fight.

Courage is what you need in order to

face fear, to challenge your fear, and to

become the master of fear.

Before we go any further, there are

two things you must know about

courage:

1. Courage can be built

systematically. The more you

practice it, the stronger it gets.

2. You cannot beat yourself into

courage.

These are key points and we’ll talk

about them more in a minute. First, let’s

define what courage actually is.

Courage Defined

The best definition of courage I’ve ever

come across wasn’t in a dictionary, or

on Wikipedia, or in a personal

development book. It was on a t-shirt. In

fact, it was so good I actually asked the

guy wearing it to pose for a photo so I

could take a picture of it. Here’s what it

said:

Courage, also known as fortitude, is

the ability to confront fear, pain, danger,

uncertainty or intimidation. It can be

divided into physical courage in the face

of physical pain, hardship and the threat

of death, and emotional courage in the

face

of

shame,

scandal

and

discouragement. Its vice of deficiency

brings cowardice, and its vice of excess

brings recklessness.

There you have it. It’s a powerful

definition. I’d suggest reading it again.

Notice how it does not say, “a man or

woman who does not experience much

fear because they are badass.” Yet this is

the definition most people unconsciously

have for courage. They imagine that

courageous people don’t feel anywhere

near the level of fear that they do. If I

were more courageous, I would feel

less fear.

But the truth is that courage requires

fear. We must have the fear in the first

place, so we can exercise our ability to

confront it. That is the part that is

courageous – confronting the fear.

In a moment, I’ll share with you the

formula for creating courage, but before

I do, it’s worth highlighting the approach

virtually

everyone

takes

towards

building

courage.

It’s

incredibly

common, it’s recommended and used all

over the world, and it doesn’t work.

Beating Ourselves Into

Courage

The most common approach to courage-

building goes something like this:

We notice we are scared of

something because we shy away from it,

or we get a racing heart, or our minds

spin out of control with worrisome

thoughts. Then we decide we need to

overcome this, take action, and stop

being held back by our fears. So far, so

good.

But then we attempt to carry this out

by saying something like this to

ourselves:

Come on! Just speak up for yourself

in the meeting! Everyone else can do it.

Why are you just sitting there like a

passive piece of furniture? You are such

a wimp. Everyone there doesn’t take

you seriously because you can’t even

open your mouth. And then when you

do, it comes out so weak and quiet that

people can’t even hear you. No wonder

you’re still in the same position after

all these years. Pathetic!

Truly inspirational. Now I feel ready

to show up confidently and just crush it

in the next meeting. I am ready!

Actually, it has the exact opposite

effect. This kind of self-criticism does

not increase courage or confidence. It

completely demoralizes us and makes us

even less likely to take the risk of

speaking up in a future situation. It

comes from an outdated understanding of

human motivation that is based on this

principle: If I punish myself relentlessly

then it will be incredibly painful. That

way, when my mind is given the option

to choose between the pain of speaking

up or the pain of my self-beating

afterwards, I’ll speak up to avoid the

beating!

Terrible.

Does it really work? Does it work in

your experience? Probably not.

Even if it does somehow manage to

get you to do something you’re scared

of, you’re not coming from a strong,

centered place of powerful confidence.

You are tense, scared, pressured, and

uncomfortable. You are sheepishly

walking up to talk to that person because

there’s a big dude with a stick behind

you saying he’ll whack you upside the

head if you don’t. How is that going to

make you relaxed, open, charming, and

authentically yourself?

An enormous amount of research has

been done on this very topic, which can

be found in the dusty archives of clinical

psychology journals. One researcher, Dr.

Kristin Neff discovered that the more

harsh and critical people are with

themselves, the less likely they are to

take risks. They become tense and

terrified of doing so mostly because of

the fear of their own brutal self-attack.

We are getting further and further

from courage here, aren’t we?

So the next time you notice yourself

attempting

to

beat

yourself

into

performing better or being more

courageous, stop. Say to yourself, This

is not helpful. I don’t do this.

And then, do the following instead.

THE FORMULA FOR

COURAGE

After studying this stuff relentlessly for

twelve

years

and

speaking

with

thousands of people, I’ve come up with

the formula for courage. Do you want to

know what it is? Are you ready to

uncover the esoteric secret?

Behold! The Formula For Courage:

Do something you are scared to do.

Then do it again.

(Pause for dramatic effect, while

holding my arms wide out to my sides in

a grand gesture. The prestige!)

Yep, that’s it. It really is. If we want

the

secret

to

be

clearer,

more

complicated, or different somehow,

that’s just our minds looking for an

excuse to not take action. Because at the

end of the day, that is what builds our

courage—Action. Nothing else.

No

affirmations,

no

cognitive

exercises, no praying. Those things can

all help prepare you, but then you have

to take the action. You have to do the

thing that scares you. Of course there are

ways to make this process easier and

more effective, which I’ll share with you

now. But they all start with the

understanding that action is the key.

What Are You Afraid To

Do?

One question I am asked on a semi-

regular basis from clients and potential

clients is, “What are you going to make

me do?” I might be telling them about a

coaching program, my Unstoppable

Confidence Mastermind group, or a

Weekend Intensive and they’ll groan and

ask that question.

My answer is always “Nothing. I am

not going to make you do anything. I

can’t. I am going to create as many

opportunities as I can for you to choose

to step up and build courage and

confidence, if you want, at the rate that

you want.”

And then I like to ask, “So tell me,

what would you be afraid to do?” And

then I laugh maniacally and tap my finger

tips together.

It’s actually a great question, and it

shows us the path towards greater

courage,

which

leads

to

greater

confidence, success, and fulfillment. So,

what are you afraid to do? Take a few

minutes and actually write out a list.

What I’m Afraid To Do, A List

By Aziz Gazipura

Run a marathon or half marathon.

Run paid ads for online traffic.

Initiate sales conversations with

prospective customers.

Become a vegan.

Hire a team of full-time employees.

Host and promote weekend events.

Create

and

fill

confidence

mastermind groups.

Talk with a friend about a challenge

I’m having with our communication.

Tell an employee I am not satisfied

with their work and that it needs to

be different.

Interrupt my dad when he’s talking a

lot.

…. And so on.

Notice how it’s a list of what you’re

afraid to do. Not just a list of the four

million things you could be afraid of in

life (for example, a tornado destroying

my house and prized stamp collection).

If you are working on your social

confidence and ability to meet people,

approach strangers, speak up, and

communicate with confidence in work or

your personal life, the following might

be useful for you.

It’s part of a Confidence Assessment

I give to my new clients. Just read over

the list and notice which ones stand out

for you.

Initiating a conversation with a

stranger.

Carrying on a conversation with

someone you just met.

Joining into a small group of people

who are already talking.

Being the center of attention in a

small group.

Talking with one person while others

might be listening in.

Sharing openly about what is going

on in your life.

Listening effectively to others so

they feel understood.

Initiating a conversation with a

stranger you are attracted to.

Complimenting a person you find

attractive.

Asking a person you are attracted to

out on a date.

Flirting to build attraction and

excitement.

Kissing and escalating physical

contact towards sex.

Speaking or performing in front of an

audience.

Giving an impromptu speech or talk

in front of a group.

Speaking in front of a video camera.

Disagreeing with someone.

Telling someone when you are upset

with them.

Saying what’s on your mind, even if

the other person may not like it.

Telling a server at a restaurant that

you didn’t like the food.

Speaking with your supervisor/boss

directly and honestly.

Requesting a raise/asking for a

higher fee for your services.

Ok, now it’s time for you to make

your own list. It can be as long or as

short as you like. Give it a few minutes

though. If you have three things on your

list, take a moment and dig a little

deeper. What are you really afraid to

do?

To dig up some fears, start thinking

about what you would need to do in

order to create exciting and deeply

fulfilling

relationships,

grow

your

business,

radically

increase

your

income, find and date an amazing and

attractive partner, and so forth. Look at

what you really want, and what you

would need to do in order to get there.

Then watch the fears start tumbling out.

Go ahead and make your list now.

For seriously. Don’t just keep

reading. The gym doesn’t work if you

just walk through it. You have to pick up

some weights and throw them around!

Fierce

Great! Now you have a list of (some of)

the things you are scared to do.

Notice how all fears are not created

equal, though. Some of the items on your

list might be mild discomforts or

annoyances that you can accomplish

without much effort. Some might make

you pretty darn nervous, and some

would make you downright shaky and

terrified if you actually tried to complete

them.

Go back over your list and next to

each item, give it a rank from 0-10,

where 10 is the highest level of fear. If

you want to get fancy, you can rearrange

your list to go from lowest to highest or

vice versa. But that’s not necessary. Just

be sure to give each fear a number

between 0 and 10. Now, are you ready

to start building courage?

Actually, let’s pause for a second

and think about this. Wouldn’t it be

awesome if you could act on the highest

ranked fears now? What if you did them

and it was no big deal? What if you

could be doing them all the time? What

would that do for your business, your

sales, and your income? What would that

do for your dating life and your close

relationships?

Yes, the more you do these things,

the faster you will grow, expand, and

achieve everything you want and more.

It’s formulaic. It works no matter who

you are. Now, are you ready to start

building courage?

Pick an item on your list and do it.

Pick a low number if you’d like. Or, if

you’re feeling fierce, pick as high a

number as you can handle and go do that.

And then do it again tomorrow, or next

week. The sooner the better. And setting

a reasonable and sustainable pace is

important, too. But the rate is less

important than just doing it.

So, go do it now. Get fierce. Take

action.

FEAR DOES NOT EQUAL

DANGER

Have you ever had the misfortune of

watching an absolutely terrifying horror

movie? I mean something so dark,

twisted, freaky, and disturbing that the

awful imagery from the movie just

stayed in your head for weeks or even

months?

The very first time that happened to

me was completely unexpectedly. As a

child of the 80s I was a fan of Ernest P.

Worrell– the comedic character who

played in such classics as Ernest Goes

To Camp, and Ernest Goes To Jail. A

bumbling, lovable character, Ernest

always starts out as the ridiculed and

dismissed loser, but he somehow always

manages to save the day and earn the

respect of all the other characters. Great

fun for a little kid.

But then one day they decided to

release Ernest Scared Stupid on

Halloween. A quick Google search

reveals it was 1991, which would have

made me eight years old at the time.

In this particular Ernest movie, he

was roped into battling some ancient

evil troll that wanted to eat children or

do something else evil that I don’t quite

remember. What I do remember is a

scene where a young girl is terrified that

there might be something under her bed.

She sits there hugging her legs into her

body, repeating to herself, “There’s

nothing under the bed; there’s nothing

under the bed.” She slowly looks down

to determine if this is in fact true. Eerie

music plays. Tension builds.

But, whew! There’s nothing under

the bed. The little girl, the entire

audience, and my little eight-year-old

self all relax with a big sigh of relief.

It’s just her harmless stuffed animal. She

rolls back to lie in her bed, and guess

who’s right there in the bed next to her,

waiting. The evil troll. That fucking

grotesque, twisted, evil-looking troll. I

screamed my face off. That movie

scared the shit out of me.

For weeks afterwards, I was

prepared to roll over and find myself

face to face with a hideous beast in my

bed. I really was convinced it would

somehow happen. I was absolutely

terrified, and pulled all the tricks.

Demanding the light be left on,

demanding my brother face me from his

bed as he fell asleep, demanding that

someone guarantee that I wouldn’t be

murdered by an evil troll in my bed.

Now, let me ask you this. Was I in

danger?

Was

my

safety

actually

threatened in any way? I venture to guess

you are saying, “most likely not.” And

yet, I was afraid. More than afraid, I was

really terrified, tense, anxious, and

disturbed. Which highlights something

extremely important to know about fear.

Fear does not equal danger.

We take our fear to mean that we are

in danger. We think, I’m so scared that a

troll might eat me, therefore I am at

risk of being eaten by a troll. But there

is no troll (as far as I know) and there is

no danger.

As silly as this story is, we do the

same thing all the time as adults. Not

with trolls, but with dozens of other

things.

I’m afraid of failing. Failing must be

dangerous.

I’m afraid of being judged negatively

by people. They might not like me or

approve of me. Being judged or disliked

must be dangerous.

I’m afraid of walking up to that

beautiful

stranger

and

starting

a

conversation. That situation must be

dangerous.

When we conclude something is

dangerous, we think it really is a threat.

Then it makes sense for us to avoid it.

We want to avoid serious threats to our

health. If a house is heavily leaking gas

out of the stove, you want to get out of

that house. That’s dangerous, and it’s a

threat to your life.

Getting rejected is not dangerous and

it’s not a threat to your life. It’s a movie

with images of a troll. It’s scary. It’s

spooky. But it’s not dangerous.

So the next time you’re afraid of

something, remind yourself, fear does

not necessarily equal danger. In fact, the

vast majority of the time there is

absolutely no danger at all, other than the

self-beating that occurs after the failure

or rejection. And we’ll help you let go

of that later in this chapter. Before we do

though, let’s talk about those yellow-

bellied cowards.

COWARDICE DEFINED

No one wants to be called a coward. It’s

a word and insult that’s gone out of

favor. I don’t hear it being used much,

although it would be fun to call someone

that. “You did what?? You, sir, are a

pitiful coward.”

While we might not use that word

very often, we definitely can criticize

ourselves for not being confident

enough, bold enough, strong enough, or

“man or woman” enough to just go do it.

We call ourselves wimps, sissies, and

far worse when we fail to take action,

fall short of a goal, or otherwise don’t

perform at the level we want.

Let’s take a moment to look at what

cowardice actually is. The dictionary

will tell you that cowardice is a lack of

bravery.

That

helps.

That’s

why

dictionaries are awesome. Bravery is

“courageous behavior or character.”

Remember, courage is the ability to

confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty

or intimidation. So cowardice would be

a lack of confronting dangerous or

unpleasant things.

And this is where a lot of people get

confused. If they don’t do something out

of fear, then they conclude, I am a

coward. They make it about their identity

and who they are, which actually just

further entrenches them into choosing

avoidance in the future.

I don’t think cowardice is a lack of

courageous action. I think when you

want to speak up in a meeting, and you

are preparing to in your mind, and

you’re feeling tense and nervous and

worried beforehand, and you keep

telling yourself you’re going to do it, and

then the moment comes and you’re just

about to do it, right now, here is your

moment…and then you don’t… in my

book that choice is not cowardice.

Because you were facing your fear.

Now sure, you didn’t score the goal. You

didn’t speak up, approach the stranger,

ask for the sale, or whatever it is you

wanted to do. But you were certainly

preparing to. You were confronting all

kinds of uncomfortable feelings inside of

yourself. And because of that you are

close—very close—to taking action next

time.

That’s pretty good in my book, and I

see that as part of the process of

developing courage. We don’t knock it

out of the park every time. Sure, if you

had spoken up in that moment, you

would have made more progress

towards

greater

confidence

more

quickly, but it’s okay that you didn’t. It’s

not a race.

Here’s what I think cowardice really

is: it’s hiding behind a story or excuse.

It’s saying, “I can’t speak up because I’m

a shy person,” or “I can’t ask someone

out because I’m an undesirable loser.”

That’s cowardice, because when you’re

believing that story or excuse you are

nowhere near taking action. You are in

helpless, powerless, poor-me victim

land. And you are selling yourself a

story that allows you to never take the

risk you need to take to overcome your

fear. A story about how you’re somehow

not capable or good enough to take

action.

I remember drawing a little map

with a client one time. He was eager to

break free from his fears and develop

greater confidence in himself in dating

and relationships, as well as in his

career. He had just experienced another

repeat of his pattern of “almost”

approaching a woman he was attracted

to, and then aborting mission just before

opening his mouth. Another pattern of his

was to start talking with her, and

“almost” ask for her number, and then

exit the conversation politely without

doing do so, only to kick himself for

hours afterwards.

Then, he would spend days in

hopeless, frustrated despair. He was

plagued by thoughts like: I’ll never meet

a woman. I’m such an awkward loser.

What’s wrong with me? How come

other guys don’t have to deal with this.

It’s not fair. I’m going to be alone for

the rest of my life. I should have figured

this out by now…

So I drew him a map:

“Here’s you,” I said as I pointed to

the edge of the chasm. “When you get

closer to taking the risk to show your

interest in a woman, you are getting

close to the edge. For you, it’s a leap

into the unknown. On the other side is

everything you want: dates, an amazing

relationship with a beautiful girlfriend,

advancement in your career, more

income, and much more.”

He nodded, seeming to agree that

everything he wanted was on the other

side of this darn chasm.

“Right now, you walk up to the

chasm, preparing to leap. This is

something you didn’t used to do in the

past. But now you’re stepping right to

the edge, and really preparing yourself

to jump across. Then some part of you—

namely your Safety Police—kicks in and

tells you that you won’t make it. Then,

you retreat to a safe distance, far away

from the chasm, far away from actually

taking the leap. Over hear, to the safe

town of I’ll-Never-Make-It-Ville.”

In this place, you are safe. No risks,

no chance of rejection, no chance of

failure, no chance of immediate pain. Of

course, this place is full of a different

kind of pain – the pain of avoidance, not

living up to your potential, not achieving

anything, and not being able to give and

receive love. It’s actually a pretty

depressing place to be. But at least it’s

safe, dammit!

ONE CHOICE

You are not a coward. And you are not a

courageous person. You are neither of

those things, because you are not a noun.

You are not a fixed object that can be

labeled as always being one way or

another. You are a verb. You are

constantly changing, evolving, and

growing. You are constantly in shift, in

flux, in a state of moving and becoming.

“I” is fluid, hard to pin down, and its

definition depends entirely on what we

choose to do in this moment.

In each moment you have a choice.

Well, I suppose in each moment you

have hundreds of choices, if not

thousands. But let’s narrow it down to

one choice for this discussion on

courage and confidence. You, my friend,

don’t have to worry about if you’re

courageous or cowardly, worthy or

unworthy, good enough or somehow

deeply flawed. You don’t have to worry

about any of that. You only have to

decide one thing: will you approach or

avoid?

That’s it. When it comes to creating

extraordinary confidence in yourself, in

your love life, in your career, and

anywhere else, that is the only choice

you must make. The rest follows from

that fundamental first decision.

There is an attractive stranger over

there. You are powerfully drawn to him

or her, as if there is some gravitational

force leaning on you to go start a

conversation. Do you approach, or

avoid? Do you walk right over to that

stunning person and say, “Hi there, I

couldn’t help but notice you from over

there. You are absolutely beautiful.

What’s your name?” Or do you hesitate,

wait until the moment has passed,

pretend not to notice, act as if you’re

highly interested in the art scheme on the

walls, or just slink away discouraged?

You are in a new division in your

company and in charge of moving an

aspect of a big project forward. To be

completely honest, you are confused and

overwhelmed (even though you sold

yourself as totally in charge and

confident in the interview). You’re not

sure what to do next or who to talk to.

Do you approach or avoid? Do you get

out into the hallways and start talking to

people? Do you make a list of all the

different questions you have, things you

would need to do in order to figure out

what the hell is going on here? Do you

ask questions in meetings, challenge

people when they give you vague

answers, and dive in head-first? Or do

you hide out in your office, waiting for

something to happen, waiting for your

boss to tell you what to do, and waiting

for someone to save you?

In every moment – whether it’s when

there’s conflict with your spouse or

children,

a

limited

dating

life,

unsatisfactory conditions in your career,

a dismal social life, or anything else –

you have a choice: approach or avoid.

It’s a choice you’ve already been making

—possibly subconsciously—and most

likely the results of your choices are

what you are experiencing now. If

you’ve primarily chosen avoidance in an

area of your life, then most likely that

area is not going supremely well. You

probably aren’t experiencing much

confidence, satisfaction, or success in

that area. Because avoidance = pain,

remember?

So how do we reverse this tactic,

and approach, then? Maybe I’m already

preaching to the choir. You’re on board.

You don’t need to be convinced any

more. Yes, Aziz, I get it. I’m ready to

approach. But how do I get myself to

actually do that?

I get this question quite regularly

with my 1-on-1 and Mastermind

coaching clients. It’s a valid question,

and I’m going to share a number of

powerful strategies that will get you into

approach-mode, and will help you to

take more powerful and rapid action

than you possibly have at any other time

in your life. But sometimes this question

can also be a sneaky delay tactic. I’ll

talk more about delay tactics in a bit, but

I’d like to mention this one before the

rest. Because if you’re saying to

yourself, “Yes, I’m totally ready, I just

don’t know how to…” you may be

sliding back into avoidance territory.

The real question is not “how to”,

it’s “want to.” Or, even better yet, “Am I

willing to?” We often say, “How do I go

over and just start talking to those

people?” because we want to make it

seem very complex, as if we need a

schematic

diagram

and

structural

engineering before we can make the first

move. I’d better study this one in the

safety of my lab for the next four to six

weeks. Then, I’ll know exactly how to

do it, and then of course doing it will

be easy and not scary at all. Right?

Wrong. It’s always going to be scary

at first. And maybe for a long time,

depending on what it is and how often

you go do it. Instead of figuring out how

to do it from a safe distance, ask

yourself if you really want to do it. Do I

want to walk over to those people and

just start talking to them?

If your fear kicks in here and says,

“Hell no! That sounds terrible!”

remember that’s just your Safety Police

talking. Because my guess is that on

some level you really want to be able to

do the things that scare you. In fact, you

desperately want to. You are craving the

social confidence and freedom to just

freely interact with anyone without self-

doubt or judgment. You want the

abundance of love and connection that

can come from being so bold and open

to the world.

So the real question is, “Am I

willing to feel some discomfort in order

to get what I really want?” Because

that’s all we’re talking about here; just

some discomfort. Some fear in your gut,

some self-doubt or maybe self-criticism.

Some fear of embarrassment or worry

about what others think. That’s all part

of the process. Growth is messy.

Breaking through to a higher level of

confidence—to a truly extraordinary

level of confidence—requires slogging

right through the muddy mess of your

insecurities to get to the other side.

There’s no hovering, sterile, future

bridge that you can just glide across

without any discomfort or challenge.

Watch out for that comfort stuff, it will

kill you.

NINE WAYS TO TAKE

CONSISTENT, BADASS,

UNSTOPPABLE ACTION

ALL THE TIME

Once you’ve uprooted your excuses,

challenged your self-limiting stories, and

learned how to lean into what scares

you, you will become truly unstoppable

—when you take consistent action.

Using the principles below, I am

able to coach individual clients, run life-

changing confidence mastermind groups,

host

multiple

live

confidence

transforming events per year, record a

weekly podcast, create weekly blogs

and videos, write books, create video

training programs, do interviews, and

manage as much tech stuff as I can

handle. I do all of this while working

about forty hours per week, so I can

have plenty of time with my wife and

two kids, as well as with my friends and

loved ones.

I get more done in a week than many

people do in a month. I am not saying

this to brag or sound superior. I don’t

think it’s because I have some sort of

super-power or something. It’s just that

I’ve cleared a lot of the excuses and

stories, and committed twelve years ago

to do what scares me in the service of

something greater. Then I applied, and

continue to apply the principles below

like a madman. I am doing these things

all the time.

And I truly believe that you can do

this, too. You can spring into rapid,

massive, powerful action. You can be

moving down that field farther and faster

than you ever imagined. This is in you.

It’s in all of us. Let’s step up and

activate it now.

1. Get Clarity

“I was only in there to get directions on

how to get away from there.”

– Principal Skinner, The Simpsons

Most of the people I see struggling to get

into action are lacking clarity of vision.

They don’t really know what it is they

want to do or accomplish. They are

much more aware of what they do not

want to happen and what they want to

avoid.

When someone reaches out to me

about Confidence Coaching and we have

a conversation, one of the first things I’ll

ask them to help them get clarity is, “If

you had all the confidence you wanted,

what would that look like? What would

you be doing?”

Quite frequently, I’ll get this type of

answer: “If I were more confident…

Hmm, I’d want to have more confidence

with women. Right now I’m completely

shy around them, and I’m never able to

talk with them.”

Or, “I want to be more confident in

work. No one there takes me seriously

and just last week a colleague who’s

been there for half the time I have was

promoted ahead of me. This always

happens. I’m too quiet in meetings and I

don’t speak up, so people don’t think I

can handle more. They don’t see me as a

leader.”

This question is asking them about

what they want, but notice the hard left

turn back into problem-ville. Notice

how difficult it is to actually focus on

what we really want; notice the

discomfort being with our desires causes

us. Notice how the problem is just so big

and front-row-center that it absorbs all

of our attention and it’s all we can think

and talk about. Notice the lack of clarity

about what we do want.

From this place, it is very hard to

take consistent, effective, badass action.

In this place we spin around and around,

trying to get away from where we are,

but without any clarity as to the direction

we want to go. As we spin, we bump

into our excuses and stories, and can end

up stuck in this place for months, years,

or decades.

We need clarity.

What is it you want to do? If you had

800% more confidence in yourself, what

would you go do? What would you

attempt? Who would you talk to? What

would you talk to them about? What

would you start or create?

I know you answered some of these

questions at the beginning of the book in

the first chapter, but we can’t ask

ourselves this question too often. It

brings us back to our goals, our prime

direction, our focus. It brings us back to

clarity.

So what it is that you want? A more

satisfying love life? More dates, more

fun dates, more second and third dates?

Do you want to freely and easily meet

people you are attracted to? Maybe you

want to break through to the next level in

your career, earn more money, achieve a

higher position at work, or step into a

higher level of leadership. Maybe you

run your own business and you want to

grow that sucker – increase sales,

expand your team, and earn more while

personally working less.

Maybe you want to make more

friends, spend more time with those

friends, or find new friends who excite,

inspire, and encourage you. Maybe you

want to play the guitar, paint, sing, take

dancing lessons, learn how to program a

computer, or create an app for a smart

phone.

I don’t know. But you do.

Take eight minutes right now and

either go back to what you wrote at the

beginning of this book, or create a new

list. Be as specific and clear as

possible. The more detailed you are, the

more likely you will be to actually

create the things you want.

Ready? Ok, go do that now.

2. Chunk It Down

You may have made lists like this before

at other times in your life. Maybe it

turned into something, or maybe it

became a dusty keep-sake that you

stored in the bottom of one of your desk

drawers, to be pulled out on occasion.

“What the hell is this thing? Ahh, those

goals. Yeah, those were nice. Anyway,

back to real life…”

Here’s why most people don’t turn

this list into action and life-changing

results. They fail to chunk it down into

digestible, simple, small, daily steps.

They don’t turn the dream into a project.

Experimental psychologists have

found that we can hold about seven

pieces of information in our conscious

minds at once. As in, a standard seven-

digit phone number. Have you ever tried

to remember a phone number with the

area code as well? Ten things? Holy

shit, it’s hard. You’re reciting that thing

endlessly, hastily repeating it lest you

drop one of those precious numbers out

of the basket of your conscious mind into

the abyss.

When we set out to achieve some

goal, task, or project, are there usually

more than seven things we must do? Of

course there are. If it’s something like

growing your business, it might involve

hundreds of things. Even something as

simple as “learn how to dance” involves

a lot of steps. And when there are too

many steps, our mind does something

like this: One, two, three, four, fi…Oh

good God! Too many! What’s on TV?

We need to help this out by chunking

things down into digestible units that our

mind can handle. I like to pick just three

or five things. This seems like a

manageable amount to me. I also like to

tell myself, Listen, all I gotta do is A, B,

and C. That’s it.

For example, when I am feeling

overwhelmed with my business and

managing all the moving pieces, I will

just chunk my list into a few things. Ok,

all I gotta do is profoundly serve my

clients, enroll new clients, market the

products and services I offer, and

create cool stuff that excites and

inspires me and others. Well now, that’

just four things. That’s not so bad.

Let’s look at a few other examples.

Let’s say you are a single guy and you

want to get a girlfriend, but you’re

uncomfortable initiating conversations

with women and you don’t feel too

confident in this area. Let’s chunk your

to-do list into just a few big things: All I

gotta do is find women, talk to them,

ask for their numbers, and then set up

some dates.

Let’s say you want to learn to dance:

All I have do is watch some videos to

see what kind of dance I want to learn,

then look up classes, then sign up and

go to them.

This sounds exceedingly simple,

doesn’t it? It often really is. What makes

it complex is not what we have to do,

it’s the stories, fears, and Safety Police

that show up when we really consider

taking these actions. Fortunately, you

know how to do deal with all those

suckas.

So, once you have some clarity on

what the big picture will look like, you

can take the first chunk, and break it

down into three to five things. Then start

working on the first one. Immediately.

As in right now. Not tomorrow, or next

week, or in a while. Right now. If that’s

not possible, then pick a time on your

calendar when you will do it and

actually schedule it in.

CHUNK UP

An alternative way to chunk things that

can be helpful if you’re feeling

overwhelmed is to chunk up. When

we’re overwhelmed by all the things we

need to do, sometimes it can be difficult

to find clarity. Our mind is just churning

out all these tasks and items and actions,

and it can scramble our circuits. We

don’t know where to begin and it feels

like there’s too much to do in too little

time.

In this case, we need to vomit all that

stuff out of our heads onto paper. Grab a

sheet of paper and just let it fly. Write

down everything you think you need to

do, big and small, in no particular order.

Whatever comes to mind first, just write

it all down. This in itself can be a little

relieving, because you know you won’t

lose or forget anything. Of course, once

you’re done it can still remain

overwhelming as you look at this list of

eighty-four things, thinking, Oh my God,

how am I going to do all this?

With the power of chunking! (Insert

superhero entrance music).

Eighty-four things is too many.

Fourteen things is too many. We want to

pare that list down to three to five things.

Seven at most. So here’s what to do. Go

back through your list and see what

items can be grouped together. What

items fall into the same category?

For example, as you scan down your

list, let’s say you notice many items like

this:

•

Email Arash

•

Email John about tax stuff

•

Respond to Mary

•

Schedule meeting with Jeremy

All of these can be chunked together

into one thing: Respond To People, or

Handle Communications. Make a little

mark next to each of these items so you

know they are each part of that bigger

chunk

Then, once you’ve found three to

five categories to put everything into,

grab a new sheet of paper. On that one,

just write out three to five big things,

like:

•

Handle Communications

•

Dominate Project X

•

House Stuff

•

Prepare For Presentation

Underneath each one, you can write

the specifics of what you’ll do, but make

sure you write them smaller than these

big categories. You want to help your

brain out here so it can really see that

there are just four things to do. And four

is a hell of a lot easier to manage than

eighty-four.

3. Fuck It

I have to thank my friend John Parkin for

this one. It’s simple, humorous and can

be profoundly effective. Here’s how it

works.

By now you know that what stops

you from getting the results you want is

not a lack of intelligence, natural talent,

or good looks. Those are just stories and

excuses we tell ourselves to cover the

real reason: lack of consistent, powerful,

effective action.

And what stops us from taking that

action, again and again? Fear. Fear of

failing, fear of falling short of our goal,

fear of what others will think of us, fear

of others disliking what we say or do,

fear of others’ judgments or our own

self-criticisms. A whole big mess of

fears, none of which are actually as

dangerous to our bodies as we imagine

they will be. And that’s just the thing.

The vast majority (as in all of them

entirely) are based in the future. They

are all focused on what terrible things

might happen and how we couldn’t

handle this because it would be so

unbearably uncomfortable.

Enter “Fuck It”, or as John calls it,

“The Ultimate Spiritual Way.”

This is his clever and fun way of

letting go. Here’s how I use it to great

effect. Think of something you’d like to

be taking greater action on right now in

your life. Something you know will

bring greater confidence into your life if

you were to do it more frequently, and

with that confidence would come the

results you want – more dates, more

friends, higher income, a more satisfying

job, and so forth (remember, confidence

is the foundation of all success).

A portion of my clients are single

men who are working to overcome their

social anxiety so they can meet and

successfully date the women they find

most attractive. They have spent the

majority of their adult lives avoiding

doing this, and have either settled for

relationships with women they know are

not right for them, or have spent huge

periods of time alone.

Working together, I help set them on

a course towards much more success in

this area. After we blast through the

excuses and stories, and guide them out

of I’ll-Never-Make-It-Ville, we can start

making some real progress. That’s when

the fears kick in and the Safety Police

come out guns a-blazin’.

•

What if she already has a

boyfriend?

•

She’s not going to want to talk to

me.

•

She’s going to be annoyed and

want to get out of the

conversation.

•

It’s intrusive to just start a

conversation with a stranger

uninvited.

•

I’m going to get tense and not

know what to say.

•

I’m going to freeze up and it’s

going to be horribly awkward for

both of us.

Have you ever been in this situation?

Lord knows I have. I spent almost a

decade with these fears controlling my

dating life, and even more years with

these fears running rampant in all other

areas of my life. Danger! Warning!

Failure and pain imminent!

And yet, if we let this noise overtake

us, we will not take action. That’s the

plain truth and the main reason most

people are not rapidly moving towards

what they most want. In addition to all

the powerful strategies and techniques

you learned in Chapter IV on fear, you

can also use this method right before

taking action.

You notice all that noise running

through your mind, take a deep breath in

through your nose and raise your

shoulders towards your ears as you do

so. Then let the air out through your

mouth with a big sigh, dropping your

shoulders as you do so, and say, “Fuck

it.”

What if she already has a boyfriend?

Fuck it.

What if people see me talking to her

and getting rejected? Fuck it.

What if I speak up in a meeting and

someone overrides me? Fuck it.

What if I call to set up a presentation

and they reject me? Fuck it.

Seem simple? It is. And that’s where

its power lies. Because it’s helping you

cut right through this storm of excuses.

This cloud of anxious thoughts and

worrisome future nightmares is not real.

This is not a realistic assessment of the

pros and cons of taking action. This is a

flurry of panicked negative predictions

designed for one purpose: To stop you

from taking action now. To keep you in

your comfort zone. To keep you safe.

This way of thinking is not focused

on helping you thrive, flourish, break

free, and live a life of extraordinary

confidence, wealth, happiness and

success. That is only achieved by

repeatedly stepping out of the safety

zone and into that challenge zone. You

must do this so often that it becomes the

norm rather than the exception. So as we

prepare ourselves to dive into the next

step, and all those freaky thoughts begin

to propel you into hyper-protection

mode, we need to take a deep breath in

and say, “Fuck it.”

I like to add a few other phrases as

well, including, “I’m going to die

anyways,” and “Whatever it is, I’ll

handle it.” These help me keep things in

perspective so that I can take that initial

leap, again and again.

That’s the key piece of this whole

puzzle – you have to take the leap. You

must. There’s absolutely no way around

it. No magic pill that triples your

confidence, melts belly fat away and

creates a life of bright blue skies and

green meadows without any effort or

discomfort. That myth is twisted (yet

highly effective) marketing we’ve all

been ingesting since birth. Fuck that

noise.

You must take action. You must step

up. You are a warrior and you can blow

right through this cloud of fearful

thoughts like the vaporous mist it is. In

fact, you can just walk right through it.

You think you’re going to fall down

some horribly deep chasm with no

bottom, but the most likely worst

outcome is a pothole that causes you to

fall in the mud and get your fancy armor

dirty. Then you get back up and keep

pressing forward.

Just say, “Fuck it.” Then do it. Now.

In fact, doing is so important, it get’s

it’s own section. Let’s dive in right now

and explore how you can strengthen the

most important muscle in your entire

body. Your DO muscle.

(If you’d like to listen to my

extended interview with author and

leader John Parkin, which includes one

of the most inspiring and funniest stories

I’ve ever heard, you can listen to these

two episodes of my free internet radio

show: Shrink For The Shy Guy.

How To Say F*ck It To

Needing Approval

http://shrinkfortheshyguy.com/podcast/how-

to-say-fck-it-to-needing-approval/

How To Say F*ck It And Do

What Scares You

http://shrinkfortheshyguy.com/podcast/say-

fck-it-and-do-what-scares-you/

4. The DO Muscle: Think

Less and Do More

I’ll never forget the moment I met Tim at

a Tony Robbins training in Fiji. Tim had

decided he wanted to attend this event,

but he did not have a ticket or the means

to purchase a ticket. So he gathered his

items into a suitcase, grabbed a gigantic

unassembled bicycle in a cardboard box,

and booked himself a flight to Fiji.

The bike was something his company

produced. He had invented it himself

and they were now selling them around

his home town. It had a big space in

front of the seat where items, groceries,

or even 2 kids could sit. His plan was to

show up to the event in Fiji and offer the

bicycle in exchange for attending. And

guess what? It worked.

We were sitting outside in the warm

tropical air one afternoon and he was

telling me the story of how he got there.

“Wow, that’s bold!” I exclaimed.

“What if they had said no?”

“I guess I would have assembled that

sucker and biked all around Fiji. Not a

bad booby prize,” he said with a smile.

I laughed in amazement. This guy is

awesome.

“Yeah,” he continued. “I’ve always

been a ready, fire, aim kinda guy.”

That was the first time I heard that

phrase, but I never forgot it. Ready, fire,

aim. Always ready to fire even before

you are certain what you’re aiming at.

That is the direct opposite of the overly

cautious, self-doubting, hesitate-until-

the-moment-has-passed kind of way that

I had approached much of my life.

That is what the DO muscle is all

about. Basically, we have a muscle

inside of us that allows us to take action,

even when the outcome is uncertain,

even when we don’t have all of our

ducks in a row yet. You just do. Do and

see what happens. Do and figure it out.

We can spend so much time planning,

waiting, and worrying. What if this

happens? What if they say no? What if it

doesn’t work out? What if I start but

can’t continue? What if I say yes but then

change my mind? What if, what if, what

if?

When you hesitate like this and ask

yourself

all

these

confusing,

disorienting, and terrifying questions,

your DO muscle is shrinking. It’s getting

weaker. And the weaker it gets, the more

certainty you need before you take

action. And we all know how well that

works out, because how certain is

anything in life? Almost nothing is,

especially not the stuff worth going after.

One of my coaches, Christian

Mickelsen,

shared

this

powerful

metaphor during one of our group

coaching sessions together. Imagine you

are in a room with seven doors in it.

Each door leads to a lengthy hallway

and series of many rooms. At the very

end of one of those paths is $50,000 in

cash, just sitting there, waiting for you.

Now you could spend hours, or days,

pondering which door would be best.

What if I go down door number two and

it’s the wrong door. What if I go down

five doors in a row and I’m wrong

every single time? What if I’m too

slow? What If I make a mistake? That

would be terrible.

Or, you could analyze the situation

for just a moment, trust your intuition and

just go down one of those hallways as

fast as you can. Get to the end and see if

the money is there. If it isn’t, hustle back

to the main room and pick another path.

The faster you can do this, the faster you

will succeed.

Just start. Begin. Do it. Take action.

Then solve whatever problem comes up.

Address whatever situation needs to be

handled. But at least you’re in motion

now. And the more you just do, the more

powerful your muscle gets.

Forget these bullshit lines that keep

you out of DO mode and stuck in that

procrastinating,

fearful,

anxious

wasteland:

•

I need to figure out more.

•

I need to know more before I do

anything.

•

I’m not sure yet.

•

I was thinking of doing that, but

then I thought maybe I should do

this instead.

•

I don’t know which one is the

right one.

•

It might go badly, so I’ll prepare

more and do it when I’m ready.

•

I’ll do it when I’m less scared.

•

I’ll do it later.

•

I’ll do it someday.

These stories you tell yourself are

killing your DO muscle and they’re

killing your confidence. They also

happen to be severely limiting your

success in all areas of life.

A while back I was part of a high-

level mastermind program with one of

the leading coaches in the world. To

become a part of this group you had to

invest a minimum of $47,000, plus

travel, accommodations, and other

expenses. It was a huge stretch for me,

and it freaked the hell out of me to join

it, but I did.

What completely blew my mind was

that there were a fair number of people

in that group who invested that much

money in themselves and their business

growth who stalled out like crazy. They

didn’t know what niche they wanted to

work with, they didn’t know how to

create a website, they didn’t know how

to write materials or marketing. And

instead of just doing it hard and fast, they

would

spend

weeks

and

months

exploring “Why don’t I do this? What’s

getting in the way…”

And I was thinking to myself, What

the heck? Are you kidding me? After

spending $47,000 I am going to do the

shit out of everything I can. Who cares

if I’m scared or if I don’t know how to

do it yet. Let’s do this!

Then I realized I was only able to do

this because I’d been building up my DO

muscle over the last fifteen years. How

do we strengthen this muscle? What

would you guess?

That’s right, we just DO. We take

action. All the time. When you’re unsure,

take action. When you’re scared, take

action. When you feel paralyzed by fear,

take a breath, then take action. When you

don’t feel like taking action, take action.

When you are uncertain of the outcome,

take action. When you don’t know how

to do something yet, take action and

figure it out. When you are certain that

you will fail, take action.

When your excuses and stories have

been pushed aside and you know how to

face your fears and walk through them,

then getting into action becomes easier

and easier. And the more you do it, the

stronger your muscle gets, and then

eventually you are doing so much that it

boggles other peoples’ minds.

So get out there, think less, and DO

more.

5. Learn By Doing

You are going to make mistakes. You are

going to make errors. You are going to

mess up and drop the ball. You are going

to fall short of a goal. You are going to

fail. And if you aren’t doing any of these

things, then you are not taking action. Or

the action you are taking is so small and

safe and inside your comfort zone that

it’s probably not going to do much for

you anyways.

Let’s just get that of the way now so

we can stop pretending like that’s not

supposed to happen. We can be so

scared to try something because we are

afraid of making these mistakes. As if it

means something terrible about us as

people. This mindset keeps us frozen,

rigid, and waiting until we “know

enough” to take action.

Instead, I suggest you learn by doing.

A good percentage of my clients had

been working on their confidence for

many years before they sought me out.

They had read books, tried therapy, and

done other things to improve their

confidence and their lives. And when

they approached me, they did so because

they wanted to find out what else they

could learn that would help them break

free.

While we can talk about specific

skills or strategies, such as how to start

conversations, join into groups, or

approach an attractive stranger, this is

not where we spend most our time. I

know it won’t do that much. My main

focus is to help them remove whatever is

stopping them from taking action.

Because I know they will learn the

fastest, grow the fastest, and ultimately

transform the most only by doing.

We could talk for five months about

conversation skills, and they would not

learn as much as in five days of having

frequent conversations with people. We

learn by doing. So if you want to get

better at flirting, teasing, and creating

exciting romantic connections, then you

need to experiment with flirting, teasing,

and connecting with the people you are

attracted to.

If you want to learn how to speak up

in meetings and join into groups

confidently, you need to speak up in

meetings and join into groups a lot. Only

by doing this will you learn what works

and what doesn’t, and how to actually do

it. This strategy can be very helpful, but

only when combined with you putting

yourself into a situation where you’ll

actually learn.

This is in direct contrast to the

unconscious and unexamined philosophy

that most people have, which is this: I’ll

learn, then I’ll do. I think this comes

from traditional education, which is very

theoretical, pedantic, and removed from

any real world application (think high

school math – when am I converting

variables in my daily life again?)

I was speaking with a graduate

student recently. She was riddled with

anxiety and self-doubt because others

seemed so outspoken and good at

critical thinking. She felt intimidated by

them and perceived herself as inferior.

This fed into her fear of getting out into

the world after her training, being in a

job where she didn’t know what to do,

and not being good enough to handle it.

Her idea was that her two-year

graduate program was supposed to teach

her everything she would need to know

to succeed at any job in her future. I saw

it completely differently. Her graduate

program was just the beginning of her

training. After it’s done, she’s going to

find a job and she’s going to continue to

learn, she’s just going to get paid to do

it. As months and years go by she’ll

learn more and more and get better and

better at what she does. She’ll develop

the experience and knowledge that she

desires. But only by doing.

I get paid to learn all the time. The

first time I hosted a three-day live event,

I was being paid to learn. I’d never done

that before. I’d run groups and had been

a participant at live events, but I’d never

run my own event. So I learned a ton

(and freaked out a ton), by doing it.

This is actually the most natural thing

in the world. This is what each of us

automatically does when we’re not

being

self-conscious

or

doubting

ourselves. This is exactly how each of

us learned to walk, to form words and

sentences, to draw, jump, run, and use

our bodies—everything.

So what do you want to learn by

doing?

6. Do Not Delay

If you want to get incredible results in

your

life—career,

financial,

relationships, friendships or anything

else—do not delay. Delaying, stalling,

waiting, and anything else along those

lines will slow you down like nobody’s

business.

So many things can be created and

accomplished in a matter of months, if

we do not delay. If we do delay, those

months can turn into years or even

decades. And in those years our negative

stories grow in size and strength. You

see, this isn’t working. You can’t really

do this. You aren’t cut out for this. It

will never work. Look how long it’s

been. You should be over this by now. If

it’s taken this long, that means it will

never happen.

All of which is complete bullshit.

That’s just your Safety Police attempting

to keep you small, safe, and deep inside

that comfort zone. But it’s challenging to

see through the murkiness of self-doubt,

and it’s much easier to get through it if

we just don’t delay.

Here are some of the primary delay

tactics I’ve used and seen other people

use. As soon as you notice yourself

applying one, label it as nothing more

than a delay strategy and then continue to

move toward massive action.

PLANNING

This one is sneaky. Because planning is

important, isn’t it? Without any planning

whatsoever we can get into trouble. We

need to have some general idea of what

our approach is. But unless we’re

mapping out the next un-manned space

travel jet propulsion circuitry, we

usually don’t need to plan as much as we

think we do.

Underneath the guise of “planning” is

often just an incessant busyness in our

minds that is actually worrying and

preparing

for

hyper

undesirable

scenarios that have a 0.2% chance of

actually occurring. To prevent this, I

suggest making planning a conscious

activity that you do as needed. Not

something that your brain automatically

chews on all day, but rather something

you have on your calendar and that you

sit down to do for a specific amount of

time.

Take sixty minutes to plan whatever

it is you need to. The next steps in your

project. How to find a better job. Ways

you can improve your diet and cook

meals that are healthy. How you can start

conversations with people and make

some new friends. Where you can go to

meet potential dates, and what you might

say to start conversations in those

settings. Some of these wouldn’t even

take sixty minutes to map out.

Then, once you’ve had your planning

session, conclude it. It’s over. Now it’s

time for action. Put into practice

whatever you planned. You don’t need to

figure more things out. You don’t need to

know how steps fourteen through

seventeen are going to go. Just get

started on step one. You’ll figure the rest

out as you get there.

In fact, many of our best plans must

be abandoned after about two steps into

the process. Life is not rigid, static, and

easily predictable. Life is complex and

in constant flux. You might have a great

conversation planned out in your mind to

woo that attractive stranger, but after

your first sentence someone drops a cup

of coffee on your pants. You probably

wouldn’t keep the same conversational

thread going, right?

Learning to plunge into situations

with gusto and vigor is actually a great

way to begin. Learn to improvise in each

situation. Learn to make a plan to give

yourself a sense of security, and then

abandon that plan once you step into the

world.

If you notice you are not taking

action and are instead feeling a

compulsive urge to plan more, identify it

as a delay strategy and do whatever it

takes to get yourself into massive action.

Now.

MINDLESS PROCRASTINATION

Who doesn’t know this one? You’re all

set to begin. You’re going to start

researching, start making those phone

calls, start sending those emails, start

setting up those meetings, start going to

the gym. For serious, you’re really just

about to do it. You may have even

opened up your mail program and

clicked the button to create a new email.

All set. And then…

I have to check something real

quick. What’s happening on my latest

social media updates? Did anyone send

me an interesting email? Let me check

my stats from that last project again.

Who played Batman in the movie

Batman and Robin? Man that movie

was bad. How much was the budget for

that thing, and how much did it

actually make? I need to check this out

now.

And in the blink of an eye, there goes

twenty minutes. Or two hours. Or two

days. Partially absorbed, compelled to

keep engaging in whatever it is we’re

doing,

and

mostly

mindlessly.

Sometimes we have the thought, “I

should get back to that project,” but it’s

more of a distant echo than an actual

impulse.

Sometimes this procrastination can

take a more subtle form, such as

“working on” the project at hand. Look,

I’m sitting down and writing emails. I’m

updating the webpage. I’m creating some

posts. And that could be exactly the most

effective action you could be doing in

that moment. Or it could be avoiding the

real action that will get the real result

you actually want. Sometimes staying

busy with the immediate, attention-

seeking tasks is actually a form of delay

that is keeping you away from doing the

things that really scare you, the things

that will actually bring you what you

want.

Regardless of which form it takes, it

all comes back to fear. We procrastinate

when we don’t want to face something

that is uncomfortable. We’re worried

about the outcome; it feels confusing or

over-whelming; we’re not sure we can

handle it; it feels like too big of a

project; what if I’m not smart enough to

do this; what if I fail and everyone sees?

The desire to dodge these fears

creates that oh-so-tempting pull to focus

on something easier or something

mindless. When it happens, just notice.

Be neutral and compassionate. You don’t

need to beat the crap out of yourself. You

don’t need to tell yourself a big story

about how you’re a procrastinator and

you always do this and what’s wrong

with you anyways? Just notice it,

identify it for what it is (a delay

strategy), and redirect to the task at hand.

If you’d like, take a moment and

identify what it is you are scared of.

Take a few breaths. Use one of the

techniques discussed earlier in this book

to sit with your fear, face your fear, and

ultimately overcome your fear. Then get

back into action.

BEING CONFUSED

One time I worked with a client from

Italy. When he was about to face

something that scared him, he would

hesitate and say, “I am in confusion.” I

like that phrasing. It sounds cool. With

his accent pretty much everything he said

sounded cool. Unfortunately, he did not

think so. He was riddled with insecurity

and self-criticism, which lead to this

sneaky little way to put off taking a risk.

Confusion is just another delay

tactic. I’m confused (aka uncertain), so

now I can’t do anything. I need to stop

and wait until this cloud of confusion

passes and I have certainty again. Then I

can move forward.

Nope. It doesn’t work that way.

Because the confusion doesn’t mean that

you are doing something wrong, or that

you’re in the wrong place, or even going

down the wrong path. It just means your

intellectual brain doesn’t know exactly

what’s going on, which happens anytime

we are growing, exploring, trying

something new, or being fully present in

our lives in the moment. Experiencing

confusion means you’re about to learn

something new.

And what’s the fastest and best way

to learn? That’s right, by doing. By

getting into action. So when we are

confused, we don’t want to use that as a

reason to stop. It’s just a delay tactic and

nothing more. Just another way to avoid

fear. Another way to stay safe. Keep

moving forward even if you’re confused.

Keep taking action. All will become

clear as you continue.

7. Imperfect Action

When I am working with men on dating

confidence, sometimes they read me a

text message they received from a

woman they are beginning to date. The

question is always some version of,

“What is the exact thing I can say to get

her to want to go out with me again?”

When we take action, we want to get

the result we are hoping for. If I take the

action to ask a woman out, I want her to

say yes. If I ask for a sale, I want the

person to agree to the sale. If I am

reaching out to people for fundraising or

investing, I want them to agree to

contribute to my organization. If I walk

over to a group of people to join into the

conversation, I want them to welcome

me in and have a great time talking with

me. All of this is completely normal and

commonplace. Everyone has these

desires. The problem arises when we

are fixated and heavily attached to our

preconceived outcomes. When we feel

as if we would just curl up and die if

things didn’t go entirely our way. If you

feel incredibly tense and believe you

will

be

humiliated,

embarrassed,

mortified, or an utter failure if the

outcome you want doesn’t occur, then

you are in for some trouble.

First, you probably won’t take as

much action, because the stakes are so

damn high. Furthermore, you will

probably spend way too long trying to

determine the “perfect” action that will

ensure the result you want.

My friend and I called this the “grind

phase” before talking with a woman.

Instead of just moving towards her and

striking up a conversation, I would sit

there planning exactly what to say in my

head. It had a tense, unpleasant, grasping

nature to it, as if I were desperately

searching for the exact words and

phrasing that would guarantee she would

want to talk with me and date me.

If you want to stay in massive action

and get incredible results in your life,

you must be willing to take imperfect

action. Let the action be “ok” just as it

is. Whatever action you can take, let

yourself do that now. Afterwards, assess

and take the next action. And the next.

Allow each action the right to be

imperfect. Let each action guide you

towards what you want as best as you

can, without needing to know that this

very next action will be the final golden

key to everything great in the universe.

What if it’s not good enough? Who

gives a fuck? Do it. Do it now and suck

at it. Then learn something from it and

do it again. You don’t need to be perfect.

Every single one of your ideas and

creations does not need to be the

ultimate image of flawless perfection.

Get your hands in the clay and make

some weird, misshapen coffee mugs.

Then give them to your friends and be

really

excited

so

they

have

to

awkwardly accept them and pretend to

like them. Then go back and make more

mugs. And study someone whose mugs

don’t look like they are a lopsided pile

of melting ice cream. Ask them

questions. Copy them. This is the

process that anyone who’s created

anything worthwhile has followed.

When I wrote my first book, I had

several people ask me: “Are you

worried about negative reviews? What

if people don’t like it?”

Wow, thanks for vomiting your

projected fears all over me. Dick. But I

know these were just my own fears

coming back at me from the outside

world, so I had to come up with good

responses to them. And here’s what it

was: “My first book could suck. But my

second one will be better. And then my

third one will be awesome.” (This book

is my second one, by the way. So

prepare yourself for ultra-awesome with

the next one).

The key is to make a commitment to

take imperfect action. This allows you to

keep going, to keep making progress.

You can course correct along the way

and make whatever adjustments you

need to once you’re in motion. This

allows you to build momentum, which is

one of the most powerful forces in this

world. It allows you to be in a state of

flexibility,

growth,

and

continual

learning. This is your natural state. This

is how all kids are before they’ve been

programmed in junior high to fear

making mistakes and “looking bad.”

In my Unstoppable Confidence group

program, we often start our calls with

participants sharing their wins or

successes. Sometimes, people have a

hard time coming up with any. They are

aware of where they are failing, falling

short, and not getting what they want.

However, when I ask them what actions

they took, they usually can recall

several. But they don’t see those as wins

because they didn’t get the outcome they

wanted.

It’s time to change the way you see

action. Action is success. When you take

action, even if you don’t get the exact

result you want, you are growing,

learning,

and

moving

forward.

Imperfect, messy, not-quite-ready-yet

action. The more the better.

8. The Long Game

It’s kind of a paradox, but one of the

fastest ways to speed up our results and

get the things we want is to actually

expand our timelines. When I was first

working on my confidence and beginning

to talk with women, I had the expectation

that I should get really good at this,

really fast. Within a few months I should

be able to walk up to any woman, or

even a group of women, and confidently

charm them by knowing exactly what to

say and do in any situation. Sound

extreme? It was.

Then, when that didn’t happen, I

would get frustrated and discouraged.

This is the major pitfall with pressured

expectations and tight timelines. Our

minds tend to conclude that it must not

be working if we didn’t already get the

results.

After many months and years of

working on the area of dating and

relationships, I became much more

confident and successful. I patted myself

on the back, recognizing how awesome

I’d become. I also thought all the

pressure and demand on myself was

over at that point. That is, I felt that way

until I got into a position where I wanted

to sell things. Uh oh, sales. That means

talking with people, offering things, and

getting rejected. That means a whole

new skillset that I suck at and have to

learn. And once again, my timelines

were

absurdly

short

and

totally

unrealistic. I should know exactly what

to say in any situation, and feel

completely confident and relaxed no

matter what, and not have anything

bother me after a sales conversation,

ever. Perfectly reasonable. Now, I’ll

make all that happen in two months.

When I noticed this thought process

happening, I realized I needed to make a

few shifts, which would allow for a

much more relaxed, self-compassionate,

and confident approach to learning

something new. First, I decided to focus

on the process instead of the outcome.

It’s not about whether this person wants

to date me or not, or if this person wants

to buy something from me or not. It’s

about me showing up, being bold, asking

good questions, and getting better at

addressing whatever comes up. It’s

about me learning the subtle aspects of a

skill that can only be learned by doing

something again and again, hundreds of

times.

I also greatly expanded my timelines.

I made it okay for me to suck at sales

and to learn this for the next three years.

I gave myself three years to not know

what I was doing, make mistakes, and

just fail a bunch. Doing so took the

pressure off, which was based on

demanding that I be perfect at this as of

yesterday.

What about you? What kind of

timelines do you set for yourself? What

is something you are learning right now?

Perhaps it’s developing certain social

skills,

like

talking

to

strangers,

networking and making connections for

business, or reaching out for dating

relationships.

Maybe

it’s

public

speaking, or learning a new language.

Maybe it’s being a manager or being

responsible for a team. Whatever it is,

what would it be like to focus more on

the process than any one specific

outcome? How would it feel to relax and

expand your timelines and give yourself

years to learn and grow?

Breathe in and give yourself that gift.

Any story you tell yourself that says you

don’t have that kind of time, that you

have to figure this out NOW, or else

someone’s going to die is just a false

sense of urgency created by your mind.

And frantic action from that place,

where you are entirely fixated on

needing to get a specific outcome

immediately, will almost certainly push

away what you really want. Because it’s

full of desperate energy, and people (and

all of the universe) do not seem to

respond well to attached, desperate

energy.

So take another deep breath. Relax.

Let yourself be as you are right now,

learning and growing each day. Focus on

the long game, and notice how much

more enjoyable it becomes.

9. Post Game: Contraction

Spasms

After you’ve taken action, prepare

yourself. Sometimes it’s an awesome

experience. You feel great. Powerful,

liberated, in charge, the creator of your

destiny. And sometimes you feel

exposed, vulnerable, terrified, and

uncertain. Relax. Either experience is

good. It really is.

Sure, the first one feels better and

we’d all probably choose it if we could.

But the second one is actually a very

important part of the process. Because,

as you take action and do things you’ve

never done before, you will bump right

into the face of some of your deeper

fears. The more action you take, the

more you step into the unknown, and that

is where most of our fears tend to lurk.

What are they thinking of me? Did I

say too much? Was I too pushy? Did I

come on too strong? I didn’t say

enough. I should have spoken up more.

They said yes for now, but I bet they’ll

back out. They hired me, but what if I

can’t do the job!

Sometimes it’s not even all these

fearful thoughts that make you feel

uncertain. It’s just a super-exposed,

vulnerable feeling in your chest and

stomach that makes you want to turn and

run away while ingesting as much

alcohol, marijuana, jelly donuts, and

other numbing agents as quickly as you

can. It feels different, and different can

feel uncomfortable, so our response can

be to avoid it at all costs.

And this is all good. Trust me. It’s

the inevitable contraction spasm that

happens after you expand. Don’t fight it,

run from it, or resist it. Don’t spiral into

thinking, What does this mean??

Something must be terribly wrong! Just

be with the feeling of discomfort,

witness it, and love it. Expect it, and

when it comes, greet it with a smile and

a hug.

Your Safety Police and other parts of

your brain are continuing to do their very

best to keep you from doing all this

action stuff. To keep you from going

deeper and deeper into the unknown,

which happens to be where the life you

really want resides. But these guys hate

that place, and so they pull out

everything they got to make you go back,

play nice, play small, and stop right

there once and for all.

This reaction is just fear. Breath and

find those terrified little pockets in your

body and send them acceptance and

love. Empathize with them. Yeah, you

don’t like doing so many new things at

once. You hate all this uncertainty,

huh? I don’t blame you. It’s a lot and

it’s pretty damn uncomfortable.

And then reassure them. It’s okay

guys. You’re safe. You can be here as

long as you need to be. I’m not going

anywhere. I love you.

Wait out the spasm, don’t try to make

it mean anything about whether or not

you should keep taking action and

growing. Just see it for what it is, send it

love, and then get back out there and

keep crushing it. When you have these

spasms, you know you are on the right

track and moving fast toward your goals.

REJECTION-PROOF

Ahh, rejection. Can’t live with it and

can’t live without it… most of us,

though, are trying to live without it. We

try to avoid it, skirt around the actions

that might lead to it, and overall, view it

as something that is preferably avoided

in life.

And then when rejection (inevitably)

happens, we feel terrible. As if

something bad or wrong has happened,

as if somehow we are bad and wrong.

Oh, and then who could forget this

delightful

cloud

of

discouraged,

pessimistic, hopeless negativity that

kicks in?

Why am I even trying? It’s so much

work. What’s the point? It will never

work out anyway, I’ll never get this. I’ll

never be able to ____ (make more sales,

meet an incredible partner, get a second

date, grow my business, build a team,

etc.)

Sound familiar? I know it all too

well.

But what are we going to do? We

can’t avoid rejection because it’s an

essential part of life. Rejection is a “no”

and if we want “yeses” in life, then

“nos” must exist. It’s unfortunate but

true, I’m afraid.

The irony is that we try to avoid the

nos because they make us feel bad (or so

we think). But the more we hold back to

avoid rejection, the worse we feel in the

long run. Sure, we might feel some

short-term relief by not speaking up in

that meeting, or avoiding eye contact

with that attractive stranger who seems

interested in talking with us. But that

momentary

relief

is

immediately

followed by regret, and then an even

worse feeling creeps in. It’s the feeling

that we can’t get what we want in life,

that things won’t turn out for us (because

we’re somehow messed up or not good

enough).

It’s

a

big

blob

of

discouragement and despair. And it’s

just plain not true.

Dang, so the only way to avoid that

terrible mess is to go get rejected? But

that feels so bad, too! There’s no way

out! You are in the right place my friend,

because there is a way. But it’s not out.

It’s through…

External vs. Internal

Rejection

“I just can’t make that decision now. I’ll

have to think about it and get back to

you.”

I looked down at the bright green

grass, then up at the leafy branches and

blue sky above me. It was a gorgeous

spring day in Portland and I’d been

walking in a park during an extended

conversation with a prospective client.

We’d been talking for an hour about

his involvement in a group coaching

program. I’d tried everything I could

think of to help him make the decision to

help himself. I was out of ideas.

“Ok,” I said.

We agreed on a time for him to get

back to me with his decision. I wasn’t

particularly hopeful; it seemed like a

polite “no.” (95% of the time, “I’ll think

about it and get back to you” is a polite

“no”)

There it was. NO. Rejection. The

monster I tried so hard to avoid.

What happens next? A sinking

feeling in my chest. An aching, squeezing

sensation in my heart. Feelings of

sadness,

discouragement,

heaviness.

Negative thoughts about this group,

about my potential. It all coagulates into

a pessimistic mess.

This pattern can happen so fast that

it’s easy to assume the “no” is what

caused the whole mess. We experience it

so often that we just start to think no

equals pain. But does it always?

Have you ever been rejected and for

some reason it didn’t bother you that

much? Have you ever been rejected by

someone or something you didn’t even

care that much about, and still

experienced

it

as

incredibly

discouraging and painful?

One client of mine was working on

his confidence for his dating life. He

was practicing putting himself out there

more, and he had asked a woman for her

number. He was not particularly drawn

to her and not that invested in dating her.

And yet, when she said no, he felt a

crushing sense of inferiority and despair.

Have you been there? I know I have.

What’s going on here?

Internal rejection.

You see, there are actually two kinds

of rejection: external rejection and

internal rejection. And guess which

one’s worse?

EXTERNAL REJECTION

External rejection is what the other

person actually said and how they said

it. In the story above the external

rejection is simply the phrase, “I just

can’t make that decision now, I’ll have

to think about it and get back to you.”

How bad is that? It’s actually quite

polite and friendly. External rejection

usually is.

No thanks.

I wish I could, but I can’t right now.

I’m busy that weekend, thanks

anyways.

I’m sorry, it sounds great, but I can’t

afford it.

I’m sorry but I have a boyfriend.

We regret to inform you that the

position has already been filled.

Thanks for asking, but no, I can’t.

Those phrases are typically what we

will receive as a rejection. In some

cases, if the person is really upset, their

tone may be harsher or they may leave

out the niceties. But this is rare and

typically not the kind of rejection we

experience

in

business,

sales,

negotiation, dating and socializing.

Here’s a question for you: What

percentage of your pain and discomfort

comes from the external rejection? Give

it a number now. Out of 100%, what

amount would you attribute to the actual

words and vocal tone of the person

saying no? I think it’s usually five

percent or less. Maybe if they are really

harsh and roll their eyes in contempt or

attack your character it can be more

towards twenty percent. But usually not

higher.

That means ninety five percent of the

pain and discomfort and fear around

rejection comes from inside of us.

Ninety five percent of the damage is

self-inflicted… Which is fantastic news.

Because what’s inside of us is the only

thing we can actually do something

about.

INTERNAL REJECTION

“If there is no enemy within, there is no

enemy without.”

- African Proverb

So how do you do it? How do you

turn the mild external “no thanks” into an

onslaught of pain? Here’s my favorite

method:

Step 1: Make the rejection mean

something about my own short-comings

and inadequacy.

He only said “no” to the group

because I’m not good enough. I’m not

good enough at sales, at helping him

see the value it can bring to his life. I

am not good enough as a human. I am a

failure.

When I was single and a woman I

asked out said no, it was because I’m not

charming enough, not suave enough, not

attractive or muscular enough, not good

enough.

Step 2. Demand that I should be

better, and NOW.

I should know what to say. I should

be doing better at this. I should be

getting this quicker than I am. I am way

too slow at this.

Underneath these thoughts lies the

demand for a higher success rate at

whatever endeavor I’m engaged in.

When I inquire into exactly what that

success rate should be, I get: 100%

success rate, motherfucker.

Step 3. Conclude that it will never

work and I’m doomed to failure.

You’ll never find the right people

for the group. No one else will want to

join (never mind that I’ve done many

groups before and one person is already

enrolled for this one) . It’s never going

to happen. This group will fizzle and

fail. And all your future plans, goals,

and dreams will also not be realized.

This one’s familiar, isn’t it? Insert

your favorite dream after “you’ll

never…” You’ll never be able to give a

powerful, effective presentation to your

company. You’ll never be able to speak

up for yourself. You’ll never find an

amazing girlfriend, boyfriend, husband,

wife. You’ll never sell this much, earn

that much, enjoy ____ in your life.

So there you have it. Dr. Aziz’s

three-step formula for internal rejection.

Practice daily for best results.

This rejection is not coming from the

person

who

offered

the

external

rejection. It’s coming from within.

Seriously, what are we doing to

ourselves? What is all this nonsense?

It’s

Safety

Police

shenanigans.

Remember, that crew jumps into your

mind and tries to control your life at any

chance it gets. And you just got rejected,

so they feel the need to steer you back

towards a life of total and complete

safety and protection from all potential

hurts.

What is your formula? What exactly

do you do in your own mind to create the

bad feelings after you get a “no”? Study

this. The next time you get rejected, slow

down. Slow way down. Breathe and pay

attention. Ask yourself: How am I

rejecting myself? How am I creating

this pain?

The more you can become aware of

the ways this rejection is coming from

within, the more power you will have to

shift your perspective and let go of the

belief that you’re being rejected.

Speaking of that, let’s look at how to let

go of this pattern of internal rejection

and replace it with something much

healthier, much more compassionate, and

much more effective for life.

Redefine What “No” Means

“Yes lives in the land of no”

- Steve Chandler

Most people take a “no” as evidence of

their personal shortcomings, inadequacy,

or failure. The underlying assumption

here is that someone else would have

gotten a yes. If I were “better” in some

way, I’d have gotten a yes. Better

looking, better socially, better at sales,

better at speaking, etc.

This is so common, we can call it the

“default response” to rejection. It

happens so fast, so instantaneously. We

might not even be aware of the negative

thoughts rapidly flashing through our

minds in the moments surrounding a

rejection. We just notice that heavy

feeling, that punch-in-the-gut sensation

that leaves us deflated and down. It

makes us want to hang our heads, throw

in the towel, give up.

But it’s all based on a lie. A

misunderstanding. An error. The story

that a rejection occurred because there is

something wrong with you, that you are

somehow not enough, flawed, deficient,

or inadequate: this is the lie. You need a

better story about what “no” actually

means. Otherwise, it’s all too easy to

fall back into the default response,

which involves self-hatred, low self-

esteem, and an extreme reluctance to put

yourself out there again.

What does “no” actually mean? It

means, “No, I do not want what you are

offering to me right now in this moment.”

As in, “No, I don’t want to talk with

you,” “No, I don’t want to date you,”

“No, I don’t want to buy what you’re

selling,” or “No, I don’t want to hire you

for this position.”

Not right now. Not in this moment. It

could actually change in several

moments, depending on a number of

factors, but for right now it is a no.

That’s what “no” means. Anything else

we add to it is our own story of not

being good enough, stalking us and

looking for any excuse to pounce on us.

In reality, “no” merely gives us

information about where the other

person is at currently. Then we can

proceed accordingly.

Do you want to date me? No? Ok.

Now I know. I am going to find someone

else then. It really can be that simple.

Although our minds want to make it

extremely complex and loaded with all

sorts of meanings that we generate out of

thin air, out of our past, out of reading

way too deeply into the situation. It’s

because I sent that one text message

three weeks ago on a Thursday, wasn’t

it? I seemed too eager, too desperate. I

knew it! It’s because I’m too short and

don’t go to the gym enough, isn’t it? I

knew it!

Then, after this onslaught of critical

thoughts, we launch into beliefs about

the imaginary “someone else” who

didn’t have these flaws and would never

have gotten the no. If only I were taller,

more athletic, and more suave with my

texts. If only I knew exactly what to say

in response to every objection, then I’d

close every single sale. I bet someone

else could do it. That person is better

than me. I suck. That kind of internal

dialogue is the pain of rejection

speaking. It is the internal rejection that

makes the whole situation so unpleasant

and unbearable. But what if you changed

the meaning of no? What if it was just

information?

Steve Chandler shared this brilliant

analogy with me in one of our sessions.

“Aziz,” he said in his ultra deep voice,

“imagine you were sitting at the ticket

booth selling tickets to My Fair Lady,

and a couple came up and said, ‘We

want to buy some tickets for the upstairs

seating area.’

“You are sold out of the upstairs area

and you tell them so. Then you offer

some seating in the main area, where

there is still plenty of space. They pause

and hem and haw and ultimately say, ‘No

we only wanted to sit up top. No thanks.’

And then they walk away.

“Would you spend hours lamenting

this situation? ‘What did I do to drive

them away? I should have said

something differently. Why am I such a

failure?’ Or would you just casually say,

‘next!’”

This is how we can perceive “nos”

in our lives. The more we can see

rejection in this light, the less painful the

experience becomes. And the more

willing and able you are to get out there

and receive “nos” the less painful they

become.

I have a banner I put up at my live

events that says:

CELEBRATE

MISTAKES

REJECTION

FAILURE

NO

And that is exactly what we do at

those events. When someone reports that

they tried something during one of the

real-world activities and they got

rejected, we all stand up and cheer.

This is designed to help us

completely change our relationship with

“no.” Instead of it being this terrible,

shameful, plagued, vile, wretched villain

that we hope to never come across for

the rest of our days, we want to see it as

a stepping stone to getting everything

we’ve always wanted.

Just recently, I was filling one of my

new

Unstoppable

Confidence

Mastermind groups. The group is limited

to just ten people, so each person gets

lots of air-time, direct support, and

coaching to break through to the next

level of confidence and success in their

lives.

So I created two goals on my

whiteboard. Goal number 1: Get thirty

nos. Goal number 2: Find ten awesome

people for the group. I had no direct

control over the second goal. But I had

complete control over the first one. I

could get as many “nos” as I wanted. I

just had to invite enough people.

With each “no” I got, I filled in a

little piece of a tall rectangle with some

red marker. It looked like one of those

thermometer-shaped

donation

goal

graphics that non-profits have. We are

this close to getting $50,000 for our new

building! Only I wasn’t going for the

yeses. I was going for the nos. I was

seeing how many I could get and trying

to reach my quota of thirty.

Because I know that yes lives in the

land of no. I know the more nos I get, the

more yeses I’m going to get. I know that

the more nos I get the more powerful I

become.

The

more

rejections

I

experience, the more fearless I am.

No is good. You want to accumulate

nos and you want to do so as fast as

possible. When you do this, your dating

life, your sales, your business, your

income, your social life, and every other

thing you can imagine begins to grow

and flourish like never before. No is

your friend.

Despite the discomfort, fear, and that

ball of pain that can get awakened when

we hear a no, we want to move towards

it. We want to find opportunities to

accumulate nos each day. These nos

make us stronger, more confident, more

powerful, and more free.

“Make no your daily vitamin.”

- Les Brown

Failing vs. Being “A

Failure”

One of the most painful parts of internal

rejection is the sense of failing or being

“a failure.” Failing, which is just another

word for “no” is actually incredibly

important and necessary to any sort of

growth or achievement. We all spend so

much time avoiding failing and not

wanting to be failures, that we never

even pause to look at what it is we’re

running away from. Let me ask you a

quick question: What is failure?

Think of something right now that

you don’t want to fail at. It could be in

your love life, at work, in a

conversation, or a hobby—anywhere.

What would failing look like in that area

of your life? After asking this question

hundreds of times, I have discovered it

is always the same answer, no matter

what person or what situation I’m

considering.

Failure = an undesired outcome.

Success, of course, would be getting

the desired outcome. So if I want to find

a partner and be in an awesome

relationship, then anything that does not

bring that into my life is a failure. Such

as someone I’m romantically interested

in saying no to me, not returning my

calls, or breaking up with me. These

would all be failures.

If I want to get promoted to a certain

position, then the promotion is the

desired outcome. If I get it, that’s a

success. If I don’t, or someone else is

promoted instead of me, then that’s a

failure. So, failure is nothing more than

getting an undesired outcome. Simple,

right?

Here’s the thing. When you take an

action—from asking someone out to

putting yourself out there for the

promotion—do you know what the

outcome is going to be? You may get

what you want, or you may not. There is

no way to be certain which will occur

beforehand. And there is no way to get

what you want without at least trying and

putting yourself out there.

So sometimes your action is going to

lead to the desired result (success), and

other times it will lead to the undesired

result (failure). There is no other way of

going about it; no safer way of going

after what you want. The only way to

avoid failure, then, is to avoid getting

any results, and to avoid taking any

action.

That concept is so important, it’s

worth repeating: The only way to avoid

failure is to avoid taking action. And that

is just what most people do, most of the

time, for most of their lives. They don’t

try. And because they aren’t taking any

actions toward getting what they want,

they don’t feel that fulfilled, excited, or

juiced about life, and they just aren’t

sure why. Maybe I need a new

cologne…

So there is no such thing as being “a

failure.” That is a completely made up

concept. What would that even mean?

Someone who failed eight times?

Someone who fails more than they

succeed? Every single person who is

known for massive confidence and

massive success has an endless number

of failures under their belt. Every

celebrity sports star misses more shots

than he or she scores, and strikes out

more often than he or she hits home runs.

Every business icon has gotten rejected

hundreds or even thousands of times, and

usually has several completely failed

companies under his or her belt. They

just don’t stop at that outcome, they keep

going, until they get different outcomes.

The only way to truly fail is to stop.

When you stop taking action, you stop

getting results. And then you actually

fail. When we stop, we freeze in time

and we avoid those pesky thoughts of

being a failure. We also end up avoiding

our lives, our joy, our true purpose, and

what we’re really here to do.

I remember in one Mastermind

meeting with my coach Christian

Mickelsen, I was sharing my fears about

hosting bigger live events. “I’m afraid I

will rent this big room and almost no

one will come. Just two people who

will think I’m totally lame.” He looked

at me and loudly proclaimed. “You are

going to fail.” He then turned to someone

else in the group. “You are going to fail.

And so are you, and you, and you. And

so am I. We all are.”

Before he even finished making his

point, I got it. I was spending so much

mental and emotional energy fearing

failure and trying to avoid it. Instead of

just surrendering to the fact that a certain

percentage of my endeavors are not

going to result in my desired outcome.

Some events will have fewer people

than I was going for. Some products

won’t sell much. Some launches will fall

flat. And some will succeed. Some will

meet my desired outcome. Some will

shatter what I expected and succeed

beyond what I ever imagined. And I’ll

never know which ones these will be

before I attempt them.

All the fear about failing is not really

about making enough money to survive.

It’s not a life or death matter where you

will starve if you don’t succeed at your

current project, job, or relationship. In

reality, the major damage when we don’t

attain a desired result is to our egos, to

our sense of pride. I’ll look bad. People

will think less of me. What we’re really

afraid of, then, is actually shame. But

shame is just a feeling, like all of our

other fears. And the best way to deal

with shame is by meeting it with

unlimited compassion.

Unlimited Compassion

Let’s face it: the worst part about a

rejection is how we feel afterwards. All

of the fear of the rejection, the attempts

to avoid it and control our circumstances

so that we only get the outcomes we

want—all of that comes from wanting to

avoid the way we feel after we’ve been

rejected. It makes our hearts and guts

hurt whenever we think about it. It

causes waves of pain to course through

our nervous system.

So in order to truly become

rejection-proof, we must be able to

handle this feeling. And while the above

belief-shifting can greatly reduce the

intensity of internal rejection, at some

point we must face this feeling.

No

amount

of

mental

tricks,

reframes, CBT, NLP, or any other

“mental technology” will allow us to

permanently escape the messy world of

our feelings. Trust me, I’ve tried. And

I’m sure you have, too. The only way out

is through. Right through the center to the

other side. So let’s talk about how to do

that skillfully.

When you’re feeling pain after being

rejected, take a few minutes and slow

down. Stop checking your email,

fiddling with your phone, and watching

TV. Turn off those distractions and just

slow down. Breathe. Feel.

I know how strong the compulsion to

stay in perpetual motion can be.

Sometimes I fight slowing down for

several days straight. All the while

feeling more pain inside, more tension,

more dissatisfaction, more irritation.

Because I’m staying in motion to avoid

my feelings, which takes me further and

further from my heart; further from my

ability to feel peace, love, and joy.

In fact, just the other day I was

spending the morning with my son. It had

been a full week, with many rejections

in it. I’d been staying busy to avoid those

pesky feelings, until Saturday morning

came and I could not escape anymore.

As I sat there with my son, my wife

could tell how miserable I was. In fact, I

was making it easy for her to see how

miserable I was because I was telling

her. But not directly. I was complaining

about the messiness of our house, and

how I absolutely had to clean things

now, instead of playing with my son.

“I’m perfectly fine. It’s just that there are

dishes in the sink. That’s why I can’t be

relaxed right now!!”

Victim-stance anyone?

Anyways, my wife had a workout

class planned so she left. A few minutes

later, she sent me this text message:

“There are endless things to do. The

messes don’t really matter. Breathe.

Feel. Look at our son so happy to be

with his dada. I love you.”

Sigh. I knew she was right. There

was no escape. The only way out is

through. So I put some peaceful music

on, sat down to play with my son and

started to feel my feelings.

How do we do this simple act?

It’s really not that complex. Our

minds want to make it complex so we

can stay in our heads, away from direct

contact with those unpleasant sensations.

But coming into contact with them is

exactly what we have to do to truly

liberate ourselves from their affect in

our lives. We have to feel the sensations

directly.

Start with breathing. Feel your next

few breaths going in and going out. Then

notice where you feel the uncomfortable

emotions in your body. All feelings live

in your body, not your head. For me,

feelings of rejection cause painful

squeezing sensations in my heart and

solar plexus (which is in the center of

your body, right below your chest and

sternum and above your stomach).

For you, the sensation could be

similar or it could be something

completely different. Tightness in your

stomach, waves of writhing energy

moving down your hands, sadness

behind your eyes, tightness in your neck,

shoulders, or back. It doesn’t matter

what the sensations are. All that matters

is feeling them directly.

Stay out of your head and keep your

attention right on the sensations. Take

deeper breaths, as if you’re breathing

right into your heart, or stomach, or back

- wherever the sensations are in that

moment. Notice the pull to go back into

your head. To think about the feelings.

Why are they here? I shouldn’t be

feeling this. What is wrong with that

person? What is wrong with me?

It’s endless. Just let your mind do its

thing and bring your attention back to

your body. Trying to stop your thinking

here is like trying to stand in the middle

of a river and stop all the water going by

with your hands. Instead, simply redirect

your attention back into the center of the

most uncomfortable sensation in your

body.

See if you can drop your resistance

to it. Stop fighting it. It’s already here

now. Can you just allow it to be there?

Can you consent? Just accept the feeling

as best as you can. If you notice you’re

resisting and fighting it, just allow and

accept the resistance, too. Allow

everything. You don’t have control over

when it stops anyways.

All you need to do is breath and send

it love. Your attention is the most basic

form of love. You can also gently repeat,

“I love you,” while focusing on the

uncomfortable sensations. You can say

loving phrases like, “It’s okay. You can

be here as long as you need to.”

As you send it love, study the

sensations. As if someone handed you an

ice cube and told you to hold it in your

fist as it melted. Notice the shape of the

feelings in your body. Is it round like a

ball or blocky like a misshapen

polygon? How big is it? Is it like a

basketball or a tiny stone? How dense is

it? Is it thick and dense like a rock or

thin and spacious like smoke or vapor?

Does it have a clear edge where it

stops? Or is the edge diffuse and

shifting, like the top of a fire? If it had a

color, what color would it be?

These are great ways to keep your

mind occupied with the sensations rather

than giving in to distractions. It helps

you stay directly with the feeling while

you breathe and send it love.

Keep doing this. Do it longer than

you want to. Usually the first three

minutes are the toughest. Our minds

grow crazy with resistance, telling us we

can’t handle it, that it’s too much, that

we’ll die or explode or “lose it” or cry

(God forbid!). Don’t believe this, it’s

just resistance.

Your heart is vast and endless. It can

handle anything that life throws your

way. Anything. All the mind is really

saying is: Ack! These sensations are

uncomfortable!

I

hate

feeling

uncomfortable! If you stay with the

sensations, they will change. Insights

will emerge. You may have a good cry

and feel refreshed and soft in your heart

again. Give yourself at least ten minutes

to do this. Sometimes it takes a little

longer.

If that seems like a long time to you,

think about how long you’ve been scared

of rejection for. Or how long the painful

feelings linger when you try to avoid

them. In the big scheme of things, twenty

to thirty minutes is not that much time to

heal a life-long pattern of pain around

rejection.

The really cool thing is, the more

you do this, the more you heal and the

less future rejections will pierce you.

The more you do this, the more you

deeply realize you can handle anything

that happens. This gives you a newfound

sense of power and freedom to go after

what you want most in this life.

Self-Compassion is a personal

passion of mine and is something I’ve

been studying for over a decade. In fact,

I wrote my clinical dissertation in

graduate school on the relationship

between

meditation

and

self-

compassion. To get even more resources

on this subject, including in-depth

training

videos,

go

to,

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com and register for my free newsletter.

Rejection As Fuel

“Nothin’ boosts me more or suits me

beautifully, there’s nothing you can do

to me, stab me, shoot me.”

- Eminem

Once you’ve challenged some of your

limiting beliefs about “no” and taken the

time to feel your feelings directly, you

will begin to see rejection differently. It

won’t be so terrifying or terrible and it

will be something you can face in order

to create the life you want. In a sense,

you can get through anything.

But that’s not fully satisfying to me.

If I’m going to face something regularly

in life, I don’t want to just grit my teeth

and get through it. I want to transform my

experience

into

something

more

powerful. Is it possible to turn rejection

into something that actually helps us?

That makes us stronger? That provides

us with rocket fuel to blast further and

faster towards our goals and dreams?

Yes, I believe it is. And here are

some ways to do that.

First, let’s borrow Nassim Taleb’s

concept of Anti-Fragile, from his book

of the same name. Anti-Fragile, which is

a word he created, is the exact opposite

of fragile. Fragile things break when

they are disturbed, when they are

stressed, or when they are pressed. A

piece of glass or fine china is fragile. It

breaks when you drop it. In this case, a

fragile person would break in the face of

rejection. They’d quit, give up, or stop.

Many people think the opposite of

fragile is resilient. Something that is

resilient or strong can withstand being

dropped or hurt. It can tolerate disorder,

chaos, or rejection. That’s a good place

to be. But it’s not quite the opposite of

fragile. Something that is anti-fragile

actually becomes stronger with disorder,

adverse events, and shocks to the

system. Someone who is anti-fragile

will actually get stronger with each

rejection.

Sound awesome? I thought so too, so

I began to make a study of it. How do we

actually take this concept and turn it into

a real sense of power, confidence, and

fearlessness? The first step is to just

adopt

this

belief:

I

thrive

on

uncertainty, disorder, and chaos.

Tell yourself this regularly. See the

truth of it. See how the quest for comfort

and everything being predictable and

always going your way actually does not

bring happiness, satisfaction, energy, and

vitality. In fact, it leads to rigidity, fear

of loss, and fragility.

Then we can take it one step further

to this belief: I feed off rejection.

Rejection fuels me. Each one makes me

more powerful. How do you feel when

you say that one to yourself? Believable

or BS? Would you want that to be true?

What would your life be like if you

actually believed this and it were really

true for you (not just some affirmation

that you tried to convince yourself of)?

Try this out. Remember the last time

you got rejected. You asked a friend to

hangout and he said he was busy. You

asked your crush out on a date and she

grimaced. You had a sales conversation

and the person said “Absolutely not.

And I don’t like you.”

Imagine that as they said that, a black

substance came from them and went into

your chest. This sticky, dark, viscous

ooze of rejection that went right into

your heart. In the past, this black ooze

would make you feel pain and lead to

discouragement, fear, or resignation. But

now, imagine that substance is like oil.

It’s highly combustible. If you put a

match to it, it burns like rocket fuel.

Imagine bringing a flame of powerful

anti-fragility directly to that substance.

Imagine a 4,000 ton rocket blasting

through the stratosphere. What will this

rejection propel you towards? What are

you even more committed to now

because of this? What will you figure

out? What you are now even more

determined to do with a fire and a

passion so strong that nothing will stand

in your way?

Feel that fire. Feel the power burn in

your core and radiate out to your hands

and feet, mobilizing you for powerful,

inspired action. There’s a setting of the

jaw, a breath in through the nose and a

deep knowing in your heart that nothing

is going to get in your way.

You got this. You are fucking

unstoppable.

CHAPTER VI:

______

MONEY

Let’s talk about money. Finally, we’re

getting to the good stuff. Enough of this

tell myself the truth, face my fears and

take action nonsense. I want sex,

money, and power, remember?

Well, my friend, you are in the right

place. Because with the skills you’ve

just learned about identifying and

removing your excuses and stories,

radically overcoming fear, and taking

massive action, there is no end to the

amount of income you can generate.

And I think you want more than

money. We all do. You want a life of

extraordinary

confidence,

which

includes a mastery of money. Not just a

high number in your bank account (or a

big wad of cash under your mattress,

whichever you prefer), but a sense of

wealth, financial security, relaxation,

and enjoyment. The trust of knowing that

you can earn enough money to take good

care of yourself and your loved ones.

Being wealthy in both tangible and

intangible ways, which includes being

psychologically wealthy.

Because if you haven’t had this

fascinating (and slightly disturbing)

experience yet, you will. Even as your

income and material wealth increase,

it’s possible to feel little to no shift in

your psychological well-being. It’s

possible to not even feel that different at

all, and to have the same amount of

stress and anxiety in your life as when

you were making half as much, or a

quarter as much money. As Les Brown

says, “We all know money won’t solve

all of our problems, but we want to find

that out for ourselves.”

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

First, I want to highlight that you want

more than money. You also want love, a

sense of personal freedom and power,

and a future that feels bright and

inspiring. And that is exactly what you

are going to create in the second half of

this book. These are the results and the

rewards of extraordinary confidence.

And each one in turn requires more

growth and confidence to be able to fully

receive what you desire, whether it’s

money, love, or social power. The more

you grow in confidence, and the more

you face your fears and take massive

action, the more you will expand in each

of these areas.

Let’s start with money.

MONEY CONFIDENCE

Money

and

confidence

have

an

interesting relationship. In our heads

they are closely linked. Most of us have

learned that the more money you can

earn, the better you are as a person,

which then gives you the right to feel

more confident.

In addition, it takes confidence to

earn more money. Whether you want to

start your own business, double or triple

that business, or excel in a professional

job, confidence is a requirement.

We also have a certain amount of

confidence in regards to money itself.

This confidence determines our beliefs

about money: whether I can or can’t earn

money in the world, how much money I

can earn, how much my time and skills

are worth, and so forth.

This chapter is going to help you

maximize your money confidence. It’s

going to help you shed any negative

beliefs that are keeping your money

confidence low, which is in turn

reducing

your

earning

potential

significantly. You will break free from

any lingering, demeaning stories about

your worth and capability. You will

release unhelpful stories about what you

are destined for and what you are

capable of. Most importantly, you will

start to feel more relaxed and confident

around this whole topic of money, which

creates huge amounts of anxiety and

stress in most people. This will not only

bring you a greater sense of ease, peace,

and confidence in your financial life, it

is also the key to dramatically increasing

your income.

Before we dive into exactly how to

skyrocket your money confidence, it is

worth taking a moment to determine

what that would actually mean. What

would unlimited confidence with money

look like for you? What would it feel

like?

Would it involve a certain dollar

amount in your bank account? A certain

income per month or year? A mindset? A

sense of being relaxed and carefree

while purchasing groceries, because you

know you always have enough money to

buy exactly what you need in any

scenario? We spend so much time

worrying about money, what if we took a

step back and thought about what it

would feel like to just be confident with

this stuff?

What did you come up with? Here’s

what I imagine when I think of complete

money confidence:

I have a lot of money.

I can earn whatever I need to support

myself and those I love.

I can buy the things I want and enjoy

material possessions (including

unnecessarily fast computers and

Apple gadgets).

If something changes (I get laid off,

my industry evolves, etc.), I’ll

adapt and figure it out.

I manage money well and I’m a good

steward of it.

I can enjoy the money I have.

I give generously to those I love and

to causes I believe in, with out

worry, fear, or guilt.

I feel relaxed, knowing I’ll always

have enough to meet my basic

needs and take care of myself.

Does this match your idea of money

confidence? Are there elements missing

for you? Perhaps for you owning a home

is part of financial confidence. Or

running your own successful business.

Or having a nice car. Let’s strip away

any judgment or ideas of right and wrong

in relation to purchasing, and actually

investigate together - if I were totally

confident about money, what exactly

would that look like?

Then take a few minutes and write

down a quick list. It doesn’t have to be

an essay, just a short list will do.

Because with money, as with all things,

clarity is power.

YOUR MONEY STORY

Every single one of us has a story about

money:

a

big,

complex,

mostly

unexamined collection of ideas, beliefs,

feelings, meanings, and attitudes.

Money is good, and more money is

better.

Money is bad and rich people are

greedy and exploitative.

Making money means you are

intelligent and admirable.

Making money means you’re selling

out or scamming people.

These are just a few of the dozens of

possible stories we can have about

money. Do any of these resonate with

you? What others pop into your mind

when you think about what having money

says about you and others.

What do you think of people who are

poor and don’t make much money? What

about people who are wealthy and

successful by your standards? Ooh, what

about people who you would consider

ultra-wealthy and what they’re doing

with their money? That’s usually a good

one that pushes a lot of people’s buttons.

Notice your beliefs, feelings and

attitudes about these different groups of

people; all of these come together to

make up your money story. Well, part of

it anyway, because there is also a piece

of your money story that focuses solely

on you.

I am good at making money.

I am bad at making money.

I am smart, driven and capable so

I’m destined to be rich.

I’m not good enough, don’t have a

strong enough work ethic, or am

otherwise just not capable of earning

a good living.

I’m good with money and I invest it

wisely.

I’m horrible with money, it just runs

right through my fingers.

I’m too stingy.

…and many more. What are your

beliefs about yourself when it comes to

money? These also contribute to your

money story, which creates your

confidence in this area.

But wait, there’s more! And don’t

worry, you’ll see how this all relates to

money confidence (and how to increase

it) in a moment. One other set of

characters to consider in your money

story is… your parents. I know, we’d

rather not think that stuff still affects us,

but guess what? It does because many of

our beliefs and attitudes about money

were formed long ago when we were

children. You were inevitably affected

by not just what your parents said about

money, but how they related to it. How

they dealt with it, reacted to it, and

talked (or didn’t talk) about it when you

were young.

How did your dad relate to money?

Did he have any common phrases he

would repeat about it? My dad would

often say, “It’s only money.” How about

your mom? How did she see money?

What did she say about it?

Even more importantly, what kinds

of interactions did your parents have

with each other around money? Was it

tense? Were they fighting about it often?

Many married couples claim that the

majority

of

the

stress

in

their

relationship is related to finances. Did

you experience this to be true in your

parents’ relationship when you were a

child?

All of these experiences impact us

when we are young and shape our

perception of money. If dad was stressed

about money (as mine was for periods of

time when my brother and I were young),

then you might feel stressed about money

as an adult. If mom was scared to buy

things that weren’t on sale, you might

notice yourself tensing up when your

husband grabs that brand name item off

the shelf.

Many of our perceptions about

money are formed when we are young,

and we likely don’t talk about them at

all. We don’t talk about our family’s

money concerns with kids at school, and

most families don’t talk about them

openly amongst one another. There’s so

much secrecy around the whole thing.

We learn that to ask others about their

income or finances is offensive and

intrusive and that to share about our own

is bragging or airing your family’s dirty

laundry and should be avoided at all

costs.

This

continues

throughout

childhood and into adulthood. Most

people are only forced to talk openly

about money when they are in a

significant relationship with a partner

with whom sharing finances becomes an

option.

Then,

they

unleash

the

weirdness…

Money fear, scarcity, desire to

control the other person’s spending,

anger, resentment, heated emotional

fights that seem way more intense than

the money itself, shame, embarrassment,

inferiority, inadequacy, confusion, and

misery. Bring on the money stories.

When an experience is emotionally

charged, then kept secret, it becomes a

breeding ground for simplistic beliefs,

toxic stories, and shame. Just like

masturbation and sex, but talked about

even less. And look at all the shame and

weirdness we have going on with those

topics. This is why taking a few minutes

to uncover your money story and the

garbage money beliefs that you may be

dragging around without knowing why is

a very good idea. It’s like cutting into a

buried wound that has been festering

underneath the surface. It’s not pretty,

and it might not initially feel great, but if

you stop ignoring it and actually dig out

what’s creating the injury and do some

work to heal it, you will find yourself on

a whole new playing field when it

comes to money and to the broader

picture of your life.

Let’s clear up those garbage money

beliefs that keep you feeling bad about

yourself, fearful, and inferior. As you

release them one by one, your level of

confidence and self-esteem will continue

to sky-rocket upwards, in your financial

life and beyond.

Garbage Money Beliefs

We are all carrying loads of beliefs

about money. This includes ideas about

what money itself means, how we see

ourselves in relation to money, and how

we imagine others see us. Most of these

are picked up unconsciously, and many

actually conflict with each other.

Here is a short list of some of the

more limiting and toxic beliefs about

money. Notice which ones resonate with

you:

Money is bad.

I’m bad for earning lots of money.

I’m bad for wanting more money

(greedy, superficial, etc.).

I’m hurting people when I earn lots

of money.

If someone pays me, I’m taking from

them.

Most people don’t have much money.

Making more than X amount of

money is bad.

Others will judge me as rich and feel

jealous and stop liking me.

Earning more means I’m showing

off.

I shouldn’t buy nice things.

Wanting and having money is bad

when so many people in the world

have so little.

No matter what I earn, it never feels

like enough.

I’m going to run out of money in the

future.

Whew. What a list. Feeling inspired?

Lord knows I’m not.

But don’t stop here. Remember,

we’re digging out a festering wound. We

just pulled back the top layer of skin and

are seeing all the infected tissue

underneath. Now is not the time to flee

and pretend it’s not there. That just

makes things worse. Instead, dig deeper.

What garbage money beliefs cause you

to feel bad about yourself? What do you

say to yourself that makes you feel guilty,

afraid, insecure, or inadequate?

Make a list right now. It doesn’t have

to be final or complete. You don’t have

to get every single negative thought on

that list. Just get started and write out the

major ones. Some might be from the list

above, others might be ones you’ve

noticed in your own life. Go ahead and

create that list now, then continue

reading.

Hopefully your list was equally as

inspiring as mine was. Don’t you feel all

warm and fuzzy inside now? Actually,

you might feel a sense of relief for just

having gotten those out of your head and

onto paper. Now you can see them, work

with them, and free yourself from them,

instead of leaving them lurking in the

shadows of your subconscious, tripping

you up whenever you start to experience

success.

In a few minutes we’re going to

discuss the truth about money, which

will help you release many of these

limiting and toxic ideas that keep you

feeling guilty and stuck around money.

For now, just look over your list. What

do you notice? What is the purpose of

these beliefs? What are they encouraging

you to do or not do?

Often times this list of money beliefs

is dominated by none other than your

Safety Police. Yo, what up S P! Look

who’s back on the scene…

Your Safety Police team is highly

concerned about this money business.

Generally, in order to earn more money,

we need to step up and take risks. We

need to put ourselves out there, take

chances, grow, and do things we’ve

never done before. Your Safety Police

hates all that nonsense. Then, to make

matter worse, you might not succeed.

You might make less money than you

wanted, or less than others, and then you

are “an embarrassment” or “a failure.”

And even if you do succeed and make an

abundance of money, you still can’t be

sure how everyone in your life will

react. Will they be happy for you? Will

they be jealous and secretly critical of

you? Will they want something from you,

and feel entitled to it? Considering all of

these risks, it’s much easier to have

powerfully strong negative ideas about

money that prevent you from reaching

your potential in this area. That’s how

the Safety Police likes it, and that’s why

most people stay small.

The Truth About Money

Let’s clear up some of the most common

misconceptions that kill our confidence

with money. First and foremost, money

is not bad. And you are not bad for

wanting it, working for it, or having it.

It’s a number. It’s a game. It’s a

reflection of how much you’ve provided

the world. It’s a sign of service. It’s a

sign of effort, determination, and

continued hard work. It’s often a sign of

delayed gratification in that what you do

today produces the results of tomorrow.

Why on earth would it be bad for you to

generate this in your life? Are you

beating up strangers and taking their

lunch money? Are you selling drugs to

children?

Below you will find five truths about

money that can catapult you toward

creating the income and life you want.

1. WANTING MORE IS NOT BAD

So many people feel guilty for wanting

more money and for having more money.

We see images of people in war-torn

countries, starving children, and even

our own neighbors struggling to make

ends meet and we think to ourselves,

Why should I have so much? I’m bad for

having more than others.

And yet, you still want more, don’t

you? And then we respond to this desire

by judging ourselves for it. At the same

time, if we don’t have enough money, or

as much as we think we should, we

judge ourselves as bad for that as well.

We feel ashamed and inadequate for not

being smart or capable enough to earn

more. Or we stay in Excuse Land and

continually blame forces outside of our

control,

like

corrupt

corporations,

politicians, or those illegal immigrants.

So much judging. So much is deemed

bad, but why? One of the first ASL signs

children can easily learn before they

speak is “more.” That and the sign for

“milk” are the most common ones used

by young, preverbal children. What else

could you need?

My son Zaim learned the word

“more” pretty quickly. Right up there

with “mama”, “dada”, and “nana” (his

word for milk). He became obsessed

with more. He would point to a jar of

raisins and loudly proclaim, “more!”

When I gave him a small handful, as he

took it, and before he had even put it in

his mouth, guess what he’d say? That’s

right, “more!”

When I saw this, I realized that

wanting more is not some diabolical plot

of corporate consumer culture. We all

come out of the womb wanting more. It

seems to be a human imperative. So

what if you stopped labeling yourself

“wrong” for it and started celebrating it?

It’s part of your hunger, your drive, your

thirst for life. To grow, expand, make

more, do more, and become more. What

if more was good?

Of course, we can be tormented by a

perpetual sense of lack and an insatiable

craving for more. This can be a deep

hunger

for

more

money,

more

accomplishments, more success, more

recognition, and more pleasure. We’ve

all seen this happen in our world more

times than we can count. And we can all

be caught in this “realm of the hungry

ghosts” as the Buddhists call it. But this,

too, is not to be condemned and

attacked. This is intense suffering and

disconnection. When we notice this in

ourselves, we especially need to slow

down and meet whatever we are

experiencing with love, compassion, and

curiosity.

2. MAKING MORE DOES NOT MAKE

YOU BAD

Wanting more may not be bad, but what

about having more? Many of us have

learned that because money in the world

is limited, people are separated into the

haves and the have-nots. If you have

money, then you are automatically

putting others in the have-not category.

You are bad, selfish, or somehow less

caring or compassionate. Worse still, in

order to make more money, you must be

doing something hurtful to others and

taking from them in some way. This is

another commonly held belief about

money that destroys our confidence.

These challenges are great. If you

have struggled with these, then I think

it’s a reflection of your compassion and

desire for equality in the world, which

are both good things. You probably have

noticed the vast monetary discrepancies

in the world, been disturbed by the

abject poverty many people experience,

and felt saddened by how much some

people suffer just because of where they

are born. You also might know about

how citizens of the United States

consume some disgusting proportion of

the natural resources allocated to the

total world population.

Yes, things are pretty messed up.

Societies and civilizations and the

global monetary system are insanely

complicated.

And

you

are

not

responsible for fixing everything. So

many people feel burdened to change the

world and solve all of these problems.

Of course, doing so is many lifetimes of

work, and even then it is unclear what

and how much is solvable. Hell, even

what “solved” could be defined as is up

for debate. Very few individuals are

dedicating their lives to addressing these

global challenges. I know I personally

am not. That doesn’t seem to be my life’s

work. Most people I know are not either.

And yet, many people carry this

burden of guilt around, as if they should

be solving all of these problems. And

earning more money triggers more guilt,

so often people will avoid earning the

money in the first place.

Insane. And completely ineffective.

By holding back your talents and

abilities, limiting yourself and your

career and business success so as to not

hurt others by earning money, you

become completely ineffective. It’s

simplistic, unexamined reasoning. By

staying disempowered and impoverished

yourself, are you somehow bringing

about global change? Are you helping

someone born into a war-torn country

that is plagued by famine? Are you not

“buying into the system”? Unless you’re

living off the grid, growing your own

food and roughing it, you’re most likely

heavily relying on the system. There’s no

escape. Shit’s complex man. And you’re

not here to figure it all out and make it

all “right.”

The truth is that you personally

earning more or less money has virtually

no impact on the greater world. Unless

of course, you consciously use the

money you earn to do just that.

3.

INCOME

IS

A

NEUTRAL

REFLECTION OF OUTPUT

Another limiting belief that stops us

from earning more money is the fear that

doing so makes us oppressive or

manipulative. In order to be making

money, we must be hurting others, taking

advantage of people, manipulating

weak-minded individuals, or doing

something otherwise nefarious.

This idea if often propagated by

people who feel disempowered and

stuck in their economic standing.

Increased income and freedom does not

feel possible to them because they have

given up and allowed themselves to

become entrenched in a victim stance.

They are upset with those who have

more, so they judge or criticize them.

Many people hear their parents talking

about evil rich people, corrupt CEOs

and

the

like.

This

creates

a

subconscious,

or

sometimes

very

conscious, resistance to being one of

“those people.” It also helps write the

story that earning money is only possible

through exploitation.

Again, there is some truth in these

beliefs. People are being exploited in

the world and there are some crazy,

disturbing schemes that corporations

have concocted to maximize profits at

the expense of human, animal, and

environmental life. But exploitation of

the earth and other beings is not a

requirement of financial success, and has

nothing to do with you.

In reality, money is a neutral

reflection of output. The more people

you serve, and the more profoundly you

impact their lives, the more money you

will

earn.

Service

is

providing

something that people want or need.

Something of value to them. The more

value you can bring to peoples’ lives, the

more money you can earn.

You can do this directly through a

private enterprise or a small business.

Or you can hold a job within a larger

company. That larger company is larger

because whatever product or service it

is providing is impacting a lot of

peoples’ lives in a significant way.

The money simply flows towards

that service. It is neutral. It is like water

flowing through a stream. Is that stream

good or bad? It doesn’t even make sense

to ask that question. The money itself is

neutral and the direction of the flow is

determined by the impact of the service.

If not much is flowing to you, you

probably are not serving that many

people. This might ruffle some feathers

because you might feel like you are

already serving profoundly. You might

even be doing more than you are capable

of and feel overwhelmed. If you are

doing so much and so little is coming

back, then it’s time to get curious.

Exactly what are you doing? Is your day

filled with the safe, busy activities that

don’t really produce major results? Are

you afraid to have strong fees and prices

for your services and products? Are you

stuck blaming higher-ups and other

aspects of your job that are outside of

your control? The answers are for you to

discover. Just keep in mind that if you

are serving enough people and impacting

their lives significantly enough, money is

a formulaic result (assuming you’re not

doing something else to block it).

4. MONEY DOES NOT EQUAL WORTH

This one is sometimes a hard sell. I

mean, we call the sum total of our assets

our “net worth” after all. And yet it has

nothing to do with our worth.

Most of us received a heavy dose of

this programming: if you earn and have

money, you are worthy. If you can’t or

don’t, then you are inferior, incapable,

stupid, lazy, or otherwise unworthy of

respect, admiration or approval.

This leads to frequent feelings of

inadequacy around finances. If there’s

something you want, but feel unable to

afford, you’re unworthy. If you are

anxious about the weekly grocery bill =

unworthy. If your business is just getting

by and you are struggling to draw a

personal salary = unworthy. You feel

shameful and like your lack of money

reflects poorly on you.

Of course the money = worth game

doesn’t stop there. Even as you start to

succeed more, you can be just as

plagued by it. You are now earning

100,000 USD per year, but he’s earning

200,000 for doing similar work. Your

business earns a million per year, but

those women earn five million. You feel

inadequate, inferior, unworthy.

I had a client who sold his company

and walked away with forty million

dollars. When I met him, he was striving

for a billion, feeling inferior and

inadequate when compared to the highly

successful billionaires he had in mind.

This is a game you cannot win.

The only way out is to see through

the game itself. Or perhaps to simply see

it as a game. You can get better at the

money game if you like, just like you can

get better at chess, or soccer. But you

don’t have to. If someone is better than

me at chess (which is probably most

people who’ve actually studied that

game), that in no way impacts my worth.

If you base your self-worth and identity

on being the best at any game, you are in

for trouble. No matter how good you are,

there’s someone better out there who

will beat you. Even if you’re the best

right now, it’s a short-lived ride of glory.

If you want to learn the money game

and master it, then you can do that, too.

Study people who are successful, read

books, get training, work through all

your garbage money beliefs, and do shit

that scares you in the world. If you do

this, of course you can master the game.

Or at least move beyond novice.

Just remember, being good at this

game is in no way more significant than

being good at any other game. I’m better

at the money game, he’s better at golf,

and she’s better at the singing and

making art game. Great. We are all

enjoying our games and we are all

worthy. Which games we choose to play

is irrelevant.

5. MONEY GIVES YOU POWER,

FREEDOM, AND THE ABILITY TO MAKE

A BIGGER IMPACT

Money is neutral. What you choose

to do with it gives it meaning. More

money can give you a greater sense of

power and freedom. You can do things,

go places, and enjoy activities you

wouldn’t be able to do without money.

You can get access to services and

medical care that might be limited.

Depending on how you’re earning

the money, you might gain more and

more personal freedom. You might enjoy

being your own boss and working the

hours you want to work. Of course, if

you’re earning the money by being in a

meat-grinder

corporate

executive

environment or as a surgical resident,

then freedom of time and autonomy don’t

necessarily

come

with

increased

income.

For me, more money means I can

work four days per week instead of five.

This gives me even more time with my

wife and two kids, who I adore more

than anything else. It means we can

afford to pay someone to help us watch

the kids two afternoons a week so my

wife and I can spend some quality time

together. It means we can get a van (or

as my wife calls it, an “adventure

mobile”) to travel and explore new

places as a family.

If this is all sounding way too

domestic and in no way desirable to you,

that’s fine. Because the meaning is yours

to give. You can use your money to

create a life full of whatever you value. I

obviously value autonomy and sharing

time with those I love. You might value a

fast car, or a big house that can host

large dinner parties. Money allows you

to experience whatever it is you value

most.

Beyond personal comforts and

freedoms, money also allows you to

create a bigger impact on the world.

Through the power of your resources

you can help friends and family, support

causes you believe in, and actually

address some of the challenges you see

in the world around you.

This year I chose to give money in

support of a little dude in India and to

help lions out in Africa. I was able to

give a mentor who helped me start my

business 10,000 dollars as a sign of my

perpetual gratitude to his guidance,

support, and love. And so much more. I

can’t wait to see what I’ll give next year.

Ultimately, I want to powerfully impact

the world. And to me, this kind of giving

is small potatoes; I’m just getting started.

Have you heard of Manoj Bhargava?

Probably not, but I’m sure you’ve heard

of his product. He created 5-hour

Energy, which is like legal, liquid crack

in a bottle. It sells like crazy in the US,

and all over the world, because people

have poor diets, sedentary lifestyles and

are addicted to caffeine and other

stimulants. Regardless of my thoughts on

the product itself, Manoj is amazing. As

his company skyrocketed and he earned

billions of dollars, he decided he was

going to dedicate 99% of it to charitable

causes he believed in. He founded a lab

that is currently working to solve major

problems facing humanity, including

global energy and clean water crises.

That is an example of the positive

power money can have. We all might not

choose to give away 99% of our money,

but we certainly can give whatever feels

right. The more confidence you have in

yourself to continually earn money, and

trust that you and your loved ones will

be taken care of, the more freely you can

give. And the more you give, the better

you feel, and the more confident you

become.

The Truth About You (And

Money)

No matter who you are, no matter where

you came from, and regardless of your

past history with money, you can become

extraordinarily confident in this area of

your life. Any story in your mind that

tells you that you’re no good with

money, not smart enough, not capable, or

otherwise not good enough to earn and

invest money is just that: a story; a

fiction that you tell yourself. One that

you’ve told yourself so many times it

seems like a fact.

But the real fact is that the biggest

problem most people have with money

is not based on intelligence or

worthiness, but is a lack of education. In

school, we are taught virtually nothing

about earning, saving, and investing

money. Parents often don’t teach their

children much on the subject either -

because they themselves do not feel

confidence around money, or the topic is

confusing, uncomfortable, and loaded

with shame. And so we grow up

ignorant. We don’t learn how to earn

money, other than being advised to “get a

good job.” We don’t learn what actually

draws wealth and opportunities into our

lives. We don’t learn what people will

pay for and why they will pay for it. We

don’t learn anything about sales,

marketing, and promotion. We don’t

learn anything about the stock market, or

real estate, or investing.

And each of these subjects can feel

like an impossible mountain to climb.

The knowledge is shrouded in jargon

that we don’t understand but think that

we should, so we’re embarrassed to

reveal how little we know. On top of

that, you might be spending money to

learn these skills, and still be making

mistakes along the way. And no one

likes to lose money. Ever.

So we remain uneducated, unsure of

ourselves, and frustratingly clueless

around our money, and how to both earn

and spend it. This holds us in a place of

frustratingly low confidence. It also

leads to endless stories about why we’re

not capable and somehow not as good as

other people who seem to have their

relationship with money figured out.

But the truth is you are highly

capable. And you are capable of

becoming more capable. If you don’t

know how to do something, you can

learn it, apply it in your life, and get the

results you want.

I discovered this when I was twenty-

one years old and started actively

seeking solutions to self-doubt, low self-

esteem, and social anxiety that had caged

me in for ten years. I began studying a

video training program called “Double

Your Dating” and reading a book called

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.

Between the videos and the book, I

discovered things I never would have

learned on my own. I received guidance

and encouragement and took action.

While my journey to extraordinary

confidence and social freedom was far

from complete, after this first experience

I was hooked.

If you come to my house you will see

books everywhere. Three on the dining

table, four next to my bed, and six on top

of the back of the toilet (they tend to

accumulate there). The topics range, but

they are all about whatever I am needing

guidance and training on in that moment.

I read books on making money, time

liberation, and achieving career success.

I have books on being more loving, how

to practice positive discipline with

small children, and how to be a better

father. I cannot count how many times

I’ve experienced a challenge, then read a

book, or spoken with someone and found

a way to break through.

What really boggles my mind is that

many people do not do this. A few days

ago a good friend of mine stopped by

our house to drop off some food and see

our new baby. While I was heating up

the food in the kitchen we were catching

up,

talking

about

business,

life,

parenting, and health. He was telling me

that he runs several times per week but

keeps it very short because he is afraid

of injury. I had experienced the same

type of injury, and so I did what I always

do: I read some books about it. I actually

read about a dozen, and worked with a

coach, but was eventually able to heal

years of chronic injuries that prevented

me from running, biking, lifting weights,

and playing soccer. Now I can do all of

those activities freely and easily. It is an

incredible blessing that I am deeply

grateful for (although I sometimes forget

that gratitude when I’m getting up at

4:30am to go for a run before the kids

get up).

And so I said to him, “I know a book

that has been profoundly life-changing

for me and many others. It helped me

overcome years of injury and fear of

injury.”

And he said what he often says when

I suggest a book, “Yeah? How long is it?

I don’t have much time in my life right

now.”

Translation: “No, thank you.”

During this conversation, I was

reminded of a similar one we had about

a year earlier. We were standing on a

street corner after a delicious meal at

one of the many superb Portland

breakfast spots. He had just been telling

me about his relationship challenges,

and I had been listening, asking

questions, and offering suggestions.

During

that

conversation

I

had

recommended a life-changing book as

well, which he had turned down.

So I asked him, “How many books

would you say you’ve read about

business, finances, and real estate?”

“Hmm, maybe a hundred. Two

hundred? I’m not sure.” He owned two

successful businesses in real estate and

property management. He was a really

sharp guy and I always learned a ton

from him.

“I see,” I replied. “And how many

books have you read on communication

in romantic relationships?”

“Umm.”

He

paused,

recalling.

“Maybe a few pages of one while

browsing in a book store.” As he said

this he laughed because he saw my point.

Guess what? I don’t think he’s ever

read that book. And chances are his

romantic life is evidence of that.

So how many books have you read

about money? Have you applied what

you learned and taken action? Have you

studied this topic and decided that you

are going to master it like the other areas

of life that matter to you?

Most people have not, and will not.

They will continue to feel confused and

disempowered by money, struggle to

earn it, and struggle to feel confident in

their abilities. Then they will reside in

Excuseville and Storyland. I couldn’t

because of this. Those people aren’t

hiring. I’m not smart enough. I tried

once and failed so that means its

impossible for me. I don’t have the

time. I don’t have the resources.

All misguided, all unhelpful, and all

untrue. Even if some elements of the

stories are accurate, they’re not what are

really stopping you. What really stops

you, and any of us, is one thing: Fear. We

use these stories to avoid our fear; we

avoid it by not taking action, and we

avoid it by staying small and stuck. We

will even avoid reading books on the

subject we wish to conquer out of fear

(although we’ll say it’s because we’re

just too busy).

THE WINDING PATH

TO

MONEY

CONFIDENCE

The path to lasting confidence with

money, which includes having a deep

trust in yourself that you can earn what

you need no matter what happens, is

right through the valley of our deepest

fears. To forge this confidence we have

to learn new things, admit we are

beginners, challenge family beliefs and

programming, and take risks. We have to

get outside of our comfort zone, make

changes in our jobs and careers, and put

more of ourselves on the line. We have

to speak up, be seen, be heard, stand

behind our ideas, and lead. We have to

fail a ton and get rejected even more. We

have to hear “no” many more times than

we hear “yes.”

Once upon a time, I, too, had many

dismal stories about money. I was

ignorant, should know more than I do,

immature, not a real man, and incapable

of earning money. How did I know these

things? Who told me so? I told me so. I

was a self-proclaimed failure. Sure, I

was good at school, I could pass tests,

but I didn’t have what it really took to

make it in the real world.

Much of my work life involved

earning woefully inadequate amounts of

money through menial labor jobs, most

of which I quit after several months. I

decided to pursue higher education and

after

the

astronomical

costs

and

accumulation of loans from graduate

training, I was not only not earning

money, I was hemorrhaging it. All the

while I was working in clinics and

outpatient facilities for free (they call

them “practicums” in the clinical

psychology world). After two final years

of internship and residency, in which I

was pulling down big time salaries of

$24,000 and $30,000, I was released

into the professional world. At that point

I had gained four years of undergraduate

qualifications and six years of graduate

specialized training, and absolutely no

business sense whatsoever.

Many of my colleagues found jobs in

clinics, treatment centers, hospitals, and

the like. That path sounded highly

unpleasant to me so I decided to set out

on my own in the wide world of private

practice psychotherapy. I started by

speaking with several psychologists who

had successful private practices. What

did they do? How could I model after

them? Several of them told me it would

take three years to create a sustainable,

thriving practice.

So I did what I always do in new

situations. I read books. I read books on

creating a therapy practice and filling it,

then I applied what I learned. I hired a

business coach. I took every chance I

had to do things that scared me in order

to put myself out there. And I filled my

therapy practice in less than one year. Of

course, all the while my Safety Police

were loudly proclaiming that I was

doomed, that I didn’t have what it took,

that I would never succeed. But that’s

just their job, and they might spook me

and make me uncomfortable, but they

certainly never stop me now.

All the while, I knew a therapy

practice as a psychologist was not my

final destination. It was actually a

stepping-stone to my true life’s work,

which is helping people radically

increase their confidence in all areas of

life. This involves writing, teaching,

creating audio and video training

programs, coaching, running group

sessions, and hosting live weekend

workshops. For many years I knew I

wanted to do this, and my business

coach helped me get started on that path

earlier and faster than I would have on

my own.

So I dove into the wide world of

coaching. If clinical psychology was

18th century Victorian England, coaching

was the wild mother fucking west. No

guidelines,

no

regulations,

no

malpractice insurance, no governing

body. Do whatever you want man. Do

whatever people will pay you for. Oh,

and there’s no barrier to entry so

someone can call themselves a coach

with absolutely no training whatsoever.

Literally none.

I had my work cut out for me. I

needed to distinguish myself from the

many other coaches out there, attract

people who were looking for help in the

areas where I knew I could help them,

show people that I could really help

them, prove I wasn’t some untrained

internet huckster, and then offer them

coaching or training.

I learned how to post blog articles,

shoot videos and record podcasts. I

wrote a book and published it through

Amazon. I did interviews and wrote for

online magazines. Each step in this

process was uncomfortable and had my

Safety Police up in arms. This is going

to fail! You can’t do this! This will

never work! No one will hire you!

I created and wrote and taught for

free for a year and a half before anyone

hired me for coaching. All the while I

was studying Internet marketing and

learning how to get my message out

there. If only people could find me, I

thought. Then I’m all set.

But then I realized that people don’t

hire a coach in the same way they go to a

therapist. When they seek out a therapist,

they are ready for help. There are no

sales involved, no resistance from a

potential client, no objections. They are

generally ready to go after that first

phone call inquiring about your services.

The fact that insurance is probably

covering the majority of their bill helps

too. But coaching isn’t covered at all.

People need to invest a lot of their own

money, time, energy, and focus into

growing

and

becoming

the

most

confident and successful version of

themselves. It feels like a huge risk.

What if I fail? What if it doesn’t work

for me? What if I put all this time and

money into it and at the end of the day

I’m no better off? That would certainly

suck.

I had no knowledge of any of this, of

course. All I knew is that people seemed

to like what I was teaching, seemed to

really need the help I could give them,

and then decided not to work with me

for some reason.

“Later,” they’d say.

“Soon…”

“I’d love to, but…”

After each conversation with a

potential coaching client I felt like I was

back in the dating world and getting

those polite rejections. “Yeah, you’re a

great guy and all, I just don’t see you in

that way…”

Then it hit me, I suck at sales.

Sales? Eww. Aren’t sales bad? I

shouldn’t have to sell someone on

coaching, or on getting a confidence

building video training. That must mean

they don’t want it and I’m being bad and

manipulative, right?

Yes, it does. At least that’s what

three psychologist colleagues told me

one day. They brought it up in a consult

group. They said that selling was bad

and that what I was trying to do with

coaching was also bad. Fortunately, I

had enough business sense to know

something there was fishy. That, and any

time someone tells me I can’t do

something, I have an incredibly strong

urge to go do it. It must be the younger

brother in me.

So I began to study sales and

marketing like nobody’s business. I

learned how to ask good questions and

address peoples’ fears about coaching

and investing in themselves. I did all of

this because I believed in what I was

selling; because I know that coaching is

a powerful force for change. I’ve

worked with many coaches over my life

and it’s like reading life-changing books

on steroids. It’s the fastest way to get

results in the world. So I had to get

better at talking about fears, about

exploring the concerns about money, and

uncovering anything else that was getting

in the way for my potential clients.

I had to face my own fears of being

seen as pushy, or sales-y, or somehow

bad for persisting in a conversation

when someone seemed uncomfortable. I

had to overcome my fears of talking

about money, of having strong fees

attached to my services, of charging

what my coaching was truly worth. And

most of all, I had to learn how to move

beyond the torment I experienced when

faced with rejection.

I had thought it was all behind me.

I’d overcome so much in dating and

relationships and now I was married to

the love of my life. I’d conquered the

rejection mountain and summited the

peak. Or so I’d thought. Apparently,

there’s another, higher peak to climb,

and that’s the mountain of fear regarding

sales rejection. Fortunately, I had some

pretty good tools, and I happened to be

spending 24-7 with one of the world’s

leading confidence experts.

I knew the pain of rejection was not

contained in the other person’s response

and delivered to me when they spoke it.

It wasn’t even about me; it was about

them. The real pain was from whatever I

did with the rejection in my mind

afterwards. So I set out to get 100

rejections and master the inner game of

it all. Along the way, my business

exploded and I had more clients than I

could handle working with. So I

expanded to groups and live weekends,

which turned out to produce even more

powerful and rapid results than I could

have imagined.

So what does this all have to do with

money confidence?

What do you think? Why am I sharing

all of this with you? What are you

finding most valuable? What’s standing

out to you?

No one is born confident with

money. No one is just “a natural”.

Everyone has to stumble through the

learning curve. Everyone. We all have to

face our fears of not being good enough

and take action in spite of these doubts.

We all have to fail, fail again, and

hopefully fail better. We all have to

make messes and be confused, and then

learn to find our way out of it.

Money confidence, like any form of

confidence, is not bestowed upon you.

It’s forged. You build it piece by piece.

You learn it book by book. You master it

mistake by mistake. And the more you do

this, the more confident you become, the

more secure you feel about money, and

the wealthier you are.

What can you do to forge that

confidence in yourself? What excuses or

stories would you need to let go of?

What is the next fear you can face that

will take you one step closer to money

confidence and your ultimate destiny of

definite, major purpose?

Good. Now, when are you going to

do it?

I’m not sure about your exact

situation, but I have a good guess that

“later” or “someday” is not the right

answer for you. More on this in the final

chapter of this book, but before we

conclude this conversation about money

confidence, I do want to highlight one

thing that can get in your way of creating

the financial security and confidence you

seek. And those are money traps.

MONEY TRAPS

Money traps are the malfunctions in our

mental programming that can cause use

to get stuck with money. They keep us

frozen in fear, doubt, hesitation, and

procrastination.

They’re

like

the

Windows hourglass or the Mac spinning

rainbow beach ball. No matter how

pretty they try to make it, it still enrages

you when it comes on the screen. So

let’s highlight these traps now so that

you can break right out of them when

they ensnare you.

Future Loops

Future Loops are like Kellogg’s Fruit

Loops, only much less colorful and fun.

In fact, they’re downright painful. A

Future Loop happens when we time

travel from the present moment into an

imaginary future scenario in which we

are suffering some terrible financial

calamity. Although the scenarios may

vary, they all usually boil down to, and

then I’ll run out of money and terrible

bad things will happen, and then I’m

going to die!

This is enough to spike our feelings

of fear and shoot adrenaline and cortisol

through our nervous systems. If you’re an

ambitious mo-fo like me, then it may

send you spinning into the next money

trap of Double More (which we’ll

discuss in a moment). Or it may just

keep you up at night, leave you

chronically tense, and make you freak

out about spending the extra dollar for

avocado on your rice bowl. A dollar!

Good lord that’s a lot of money. If I

keep spending like this I’m going to run

out of money and die in the gutter!

For most people, and probably for

you,

the

imagined

end-result

catastrophes are highly unlikely. There

would be many steps to take between

where you are now to being completely

homeless and without any possessions or

money, roaming the streets and looking

for hand-outs. You would probably have

to actively try to make that happen,

consciously resisting opportunities, help,

support, and ways to turn things around.

But this fear, like most of our fears,

is not a rational one. It’s about survival.

It’s a response to being a vulnerable

creature on this planet who can

experience pain and who eventually will

die, and knows that. Fear’s primary goal

is

to

stimulate

your

body

into

responding, taking action, burying nuts

for the winter, and doing anything else

that will ensure survival and avoidance

of pain.

People often unconsciously use fear

as a motivational strategy. Adrenaline

can be a powerful fuel, even though it

gunks up the engine over time. A variety

of psychological research demonstrates

that we humans will do twice as much to

avoid pain as to gain pleasure.2 We hate pain, discomfort, and loss. So what

better way to fire up our motors than to

imagine future pain and strategize how

we can avoid it?

A number of years ago my brother

was studying for the BAR exam to

become

a

practicing

fancy-pants

attorney. This exam is particularly

beastly, takes months to prepare for, and

is highly stressful. Many people do not

pass. As he was studying like a madman

he told me his strategy to stay motivated

was to imagine he was going to fail. No

matter how much he studied, or how

well he did on the practice tests, he

would tell himself, I’m going to fail.

Not score lower than he’d like, but

straight up fail. Guess what this did?

Sent a wave of adrenaline and energy

through his nervous system. Who needs

coffee?

When I heard that I thought to myself,

psscch, what a fool. That’s a terrible

strategy. After all, I do like to feel

superior to my older brother. But then I

began

to

realize

that

in

many

circumstances I did the same thing all the

time in my life. I constantly was telling

myself business ventures weren’t going

to work, projects were going to fail, and

products wouldn’t sell. Even when there

was clear evidence to the contrary, my

mind would fabricate a reality in which

everything fell apart. This would give

me endless juice to rapidly achieve and

complete tasks. My superiority was

short lived (although I contend that I am

still the better looking brother).

Do you get stuck in Future Loops?

What do you think the payoff is? Does it

give you energy and fuel to take action?

What do you get out of it? Every

repetitive pattern gives us something,

even if it has unpleasant consequences.

Sometimes

people

think

that

by

imagining

terrible

scenarios

and

worrying

about

them

they

are

“preparing” somehow. As if not

worrying about that terrible scenario

would somehow bring it about, and your

worry and anxiety is what keeps it at

bay. Absurd.

The way out of these future loops is

by staying out of the future in the first

place. Some targeted planning or

focused problem solving is good. The

rest of the time, leaning into your future

is a way of avoiding something in the

present. So bring yourself back to this

moment right now. Feel the book in your

hands and the coolness of your breath as

you breathe in. Notice whatever’s going

on in your stomach, your chest, and your

jaw. Feel what’s actually happening

right now. The more you can do this, and

the less you resist and flee from it, the

more present, confident, and powerful

you will become.

Double More Insanity

I am a productive person. I like to

accomplish things. Get tasks done.

Achieve. Succeed. Excel. I like doing a

lot in a short period of time and seeing

the results of my efforts. And I am

insane. Well, part of me is. I think we all

have some insane parts in our heads.

Here’s what I mean:

I have a part of me that always wants

more. He wants more money, more

security, more success, more safety. He

wants more tasks to be accomplished in

a shorter period of time. He tells me

there’s so much to do, too much in fact.

It’s too much with too little time to do it.

So stop sitting around, stop interacting

with your family, stop relaxing. Get the

fuck to work. Now!

Do you have this part too? One day I

sat down to have a little conversation

with him.

“Hey there,” I said. “I’ve been

working a lot and accomplishing quite a

bit. We seem to have plenty of money to

support ourselves and even give some to

people and causes we support.”

Without

missing

a

beat,

his

immediate response was, “You need to

do more. You need to record more

podcasts and videos, create more

programs and products, reach more

people, help more people, make more

money, write more books, spend more

time with your kids, and spend more

time with your wife. You need to do

more.”

“Wow,” I replied. “That sure sounds

like a lot. How much more?”

“Double.”

Hence, that part of myself is now

called Double More.

Do you have your own version of

Double More driving you relentlessly to

keep doing? You may be quite familiar

with the feeling of not satisfying him.

That sense that you aren’t doing enough,

that you need to get more done faster,

that you just don’t have enough time to

get it all done. Oh, and that you should

be earning more money faster and be

ahead of where you are now. You also

shouldn’t be “wasting” your time with

entertainment or relaxation and should

instead always be doing something

productive.

Then when you’ve accomplished

everything, earned all that money,

achieved all those goals, only then you

can

completely

relax

and

enjoy

everything you’ve worked so hard for,

right? Actually, that’s wrong. This is

what Double More tells you will

happen. He uses that sweet future land of

blissful relaxation, fulfillment, and

peace as a carrot dangling from a stick.

He holds it out in front of you, which

keeps you going hard and fast in the

present. Tense, driven, stressed.

What actually will happen is this: as

soon as you reach those goals and

accomplish all those tasks, it will turn

out there’s more to do. How much more?

Double!

This is insanity. We need to slow

way down. Take a step back and let’s

look at Double More’s strategy and

approach to life. It might seem necessary

at first glance, but as we look deeper we

see that his plan doesn’t bring happiness

or fulfillment. Instead, it kills our

confidence because as long as we’re in

his grips we are never enough and have

never quite arrived yet.

What does Double More really

want? He says it’s more money and

achievement, but what’s underneath that?

From what I’ve seen in my own

experience, and the experiences of

thousands of others, it’s a sense of

security or safety and a sense of finally

proving that I’m good enough.

If I just have enough money, then I’ll

be safe and secure. In some delusional

way, we unconsciously believe that if

we have enough money, we will be

protected from pain in life, such as the

pain of loss, or the pain of grief. If I

earn enough money I will be protected

against the pain of losing my loved

ones, or my health, or anything else I

feel uncomfortably vulnerable about.

And if I achieve enough, show I’m

the best (or at least better than most),

then I’ll finally prove that I’m good

enough. I’m a winner, I’m impressive,

and I’m finally worthy of love and

respect.

Insanity. Because it doesn’t work.

It’s a weird trap. You aren’t protected.

People and pets you love will die. Your

children could die before you. Old age,

sickness, and death awaits us all.

There’s no escape.

Additionally,

you

already

are

enough. There is an abundance of love

you can give and receive right now,

without improving on any part of your

life or achieving one more goal. In fact,

seeking to be significant and “the best”

at

something

are

actually

cheap

substitutes for love, which is what you

really want. Part of you just tells you that

you aren’t worthy of that love until

you’ve earned it. We will get into this

much more in the next chapter on love.

I think we focus on frantically doing

more to avoid the fact that pain is

unavoidable in life and we’re all going

to die. We try to hide from it. Then we

convince ourselves it’s because we

really do need the money, or we really

do need to accomplish more. We’ve got

bills to pay and mouths to feed, so we

have to focus on this like crazy.

Crazy indeed. And it hemorrhages

the confidence we could be building up

in ourselves. Because even if we’re

earning and achieving, we’re still

running: running from feelings, from

death, and running from fully living with

an open heart.

As you’ve seen throughout this book,

we cannot gain confidence by running.

The only way to strengthen ourselves

and

skyrocket

our

confidence

to

extraordinary levels is by facing things

head and on. Facing our fears, facing our

feelings, and not running from anything.

So how do we release Double

More’s grip on our minds and achieve,

earn, and succeed with more peace,

ease, and love?

Stop dreaming hippie, get back to

work!

Sorry, that just slipped out. Here’s

what seems to be working for me and

many clients of mine who are ready to

release the insanity:

First, realize there is only so much

you can accomplish in one day, and one

week. You could conceivably increase

that amount if you worked eighty-five

hours and didn’t take care of your body,

sleep, spend time with friends, or see

your family and the other people you

love. Which to me sounds unsustainable

and painful.

For me personally, forty hours of

work

each

week

seems

pretty

reasonable. It’s a tried and true number

that’s been around for quite a while and

it

gives

some

balance

to

the

achievement-bot inside of me. So in

those forty hours, there is only so much

you can physically create, do, complete,

or accomplish. And in eight or nine

hours in a given day, there is only so

much you can do. It’s finite.

During those eight hours we want to

be focused, clear, effective, and driven.

We want to prioritize the most important

tasks that will serve others and generate

income for our business or employers.

We want to be aware of when we get

lost in busywork and other menial tasks

that are easier, but don’t actually

generate income or provide true service.

We want to breathe throughout the day,

eat food that keeps our minds clear and

focused, and drink lots of water.

And then, at the end of the day, when

we are just about to close our laptops

and snap our briefcases shut, we want to

pause. Look back on all that you created

that day, all the good work you did. All

the life energy you invested in your

labors. Take a deep breath in, smile, and

congratulate yourself for a day of work

well done.

Choose to know and remember the

sweet pleasure and relief of an end to a

good day’s work. You did it. You’ve

done just enough—the perfect amount.

When Double More chimes in on

your drive home, reminding you of the

four thousand tasks you have yet to

accomplish, breathe and smile. Yeah,

you want more. Double more! Double

faster, double double.

Thanks for your energy and your

input and helping me accomplish so

much today. Thank you so much for

your passion, your drive, and your

desire to do and create. It’s incredible

and amazing.

And now you can relax. I’ll drive

for awhile and you can just chill out.

You’ve already done more than enough.

There’s only so much that we can get

done in a day. I love you.

It never hurts to throw an “I love

you” in there whenever you’re talking to

a part of yourself. It scrambles their

circuits.

As you do this, bring your attention

to your breath and to your chest. Breathe

in and out from the center of your chest,

as if you were breathing directly in and

out of your heart. Feel what is there. Run

from nothing. You are a warrior.

GRATITUDE

Underneath all the fears and stories and

planning, wealth is nothing more than a

feeling. It’s not a certain number in your

bank account, or a certain salary or

income. It’s a feeling of abundance, of

security, safety, and freedom. It’s a sense

of confidence that you can take care of

yourself and the ones you love.

No matter how much we have,

nothing

determines

our

money

confidence and sense of wealth like our

perspective. You can have more money

than eighty five percent of the people on

this planet do, you can be swimming in

comforts and luxuries that only royalty

had several hundred years ago, and you

can still feel frustrated, upset, and

impoverished. You can be focusing on

how they messed up installing your fine

granite countertop during the remodel

and so now you have to wait another two

weeks before you can use your kitchen.

You feel upset, outraged, or scared. It’s a

travesty.

It is so easy to forget how rich we

already are. If you are in the United

States as you read this, you are rich. You

have a faucet that spits out clean,

drinkable water. Hell, your toilet is

filled with drinking water for God’s

sake! You have a bed and a roof over

your head. You have so many things that

a large portion of the global population

endures life without.

In any given moment, we can focus

on the injustices we face, or we can

change our perspective to see the

blessings underneath. One of my dad’s

favorite topics to discuss is how broken

our health care system is in the U.S. He

talks about how insurance premiums

keep going up, how some people pay too

much, and how there seems to be no

solution in sight. I actually agree that

there are some major flaws in the whole

system. At the same time, I am so

grateful that we have access to

incredible medical care. The science of

medicine and what can be done with it is

utterly amazing. If it were one hundred

years ago, my wife would have most

likely died during the birth of our first

son. Or maybe our son would have died.

Who knows? I do know that the hospital

down the street was amazing and

everyone there knew exactly how to

perform an emergency C-section.

You could fall from a ladder and

shatter the bones in your leg and you

will be whisked away to a facility

where they will remove your pain, fix

your broken leg, and help you get set up

to heal and walk again. That’s amazing.

We are so rich, so wealthy. We have

such an abundance of food that you can

drive in your horseless carriage for five

minutes and get virtually anything you

want. How does my car get me there? I

don’t even really know. Magic is my

best guess. And while I’m driving I

could be talking into a device that

somehow encodes my voice and shoots

it through the ether to a person on the

other side of the country.

Each morning the sun rises and

warms us. The rains come and water the

earth for our food to grow. We have

warmth and shelter and people who love

us. We have insane amounts of comfort

and pleasure available to us. We have

access

to

more

information

and

knowledge than any other time in history.

And you can access it all from a device

in your pocket.

What are you grateful for in your

life? What could you be more grateful

for if you wanted to be?

Breathe in and feel that now. Feel the

fullness, the richness of what you

already have. You are blessed.

EARN IT OR DON’T

Stories, fear, and self-doubt aside, the

truth is: you can earn money. You can

create whatever you want. If you’re

dedicated and driven, and you continue

to model after successful people, learn

new things, and take massive action, then

there is no way you won’t earn more

money. It’s inevitable, as long as you

don’t stop and don’t quit.

If you’d like, you can earn a shit ton

of money. And it’s good to do so. You

will stretch and grow like crazy along

the way, and the process of transforming

who you are will be way more

rewarding than any number in your bank

account. You will also end up

contributing even more to society, to

humanity, and to the world as you earn

more. If that’s what you are inspired and

motivated to do, that’s great. Go for it.

Alternately, you don’t have to do

that. You don’t have to want to

continually increase your income or get

more things. You don’t have to want a

bigger house, a nicer car, or private

school education for your kids. There is

nothing wrong with you for not wanting

to earn more money and for choosing not

to.

The key is to make it a choice. Don’t

let your fear and self-doubt decide for

you. Whatever you choose, stand by it.

Own

it.

Give

yourself

complete

permission to go after wealth and

abundance with reckless abandon. Or

give yourself complete permission to

relax, enjoy all of the other riches of

life, and not strive so much to earn more.

You are the architect of your life, the

captain of your ship. You can create

whatever life you want for yourself.

_________

2 This is pattern is known as loss aversion

and

has

been

heavily

researched in economics and decision

theory, especially by Amos Tversky and

Daniel Kahneman.

CHAPTER VII:

______

LOVE

It takes a great deal of confidence to

love. It takes confidence to give love

freely, to fully let in and receive the love

others give us, and to express our love

openly and unabashedly. It takes

confidence because it’s scary. Actually,

it can be downright terrifying.

Loving fully is probably the biggest

risk we can take in this life. Because it

requires opening our hearts and putting

ourselves out there, where we most

definitely will get hurt at some point.

And since our hearts were so open,

we’ll feel that hurt deeply, and it will be

painful. And yet, despite this risk and the

inevitable pains that come with it, we all

want and need to give and receive love.

Man, what a set up.

Fortunately, there is something we

can do to increase our confidence in this

area. We can cultivate the personal

power, courage, and confidence to

boldly put ourselves out there to receive

love and face whatever comes back. We

can continually expand to feel the deep

and profound joy of really, vulnerably

loving others, which magnifies our

enjoyment of life thousands of times

over. And we can learn to face the

inevitable moments of pain and loss that

are the consequence of loving fully and

deeply with willingness and surrender.

As a result, we can love more,

which makes life much more enjoyable

and fulfilling. You can feel more

connected, more supported, more at

peace. You can have better sex and more

sex, and feel really good about it. You

can feel so joyous about being with

someone that your heart aches in the

most delightful kind of way.

You can also have people there to

support you when you’re struggling.

Those you love can rally behind you to

soothe

you,

encourage

you,

and

sometimes just take you to a bad movie

where you sneak pizza slices underneath

your jackets.

Let’s dive in together and look at

what blocks us from having the rock-

solid confidence that would allow us to

love more boldly and deeply. We will

uncover and clear away the core fears

that stop us from feeling more love, and

then we’ll discover new and powerful

ways of approaching love that inspires

courage and lasting confidence.

Ready? Let’s dive in!

THE PRIMARY

CURRENCY

We all desperately want and need love.

Now, I know that’s not the right thing

to say in a self-development book. I’m

supposed to say, “All you need is within

you now, and you just need to love

yourself. You don’t need other peoples’

love. You are love. It’s your core

essence because you are moonbeam

stardust after all.”

While this stuff sounds good and can

be somewhat empowering, it’s also not

really true in my experience. We humans

are incredibly social creatures. We

depend on connection and being part of a

group to survive. Tons of psychology

and sociology research concludes that

being isolated and lonely is incredibly

hard on peoples’ moods and physical

health. We need others.

We crave relationships with other

people. We need them to be around us

and we need to be around them. We need

to love them and we need to be loved.

Without that social experience, we

shrivel up and die. Just look at babies

and small children. It’s profoundly

obvious how much they need our

ongoing attention, love, engagement, and

physical touch. Without it they don’t

develop properly and can even in some

cases get physically ill or die. Love is

the primary currency.

Cheap Substitutes

When I was in fifth grade I traveled with

my dad, mom, and brother to India. I

have a collection of spotty memories,

including the Taj Mahal, a guy with no

legs begging outside when we got off a

train, and an epic rug negotiation

showdown between my dad and a rug

merchant.

I also remember being fascinated

with the idea that you could get a knock-

off Rolex watch for thirty bucks. I had no

interest in Rolexes back home and never

even cared about them. But then, when I

found out I could get a phony one for so

cheap, I became obsessed. I had to have

one. Imagine showing back up to my fifth

grade class after my world travels

brandishing a shiny new (fake) Rolex

watch. I’d clearly be the man.

So I badgered my dad until he finally

agreed to get me one. We found some

dude brazenly selling knock-off Rolexes

out in the open off of his classy blanket-

on-the-sidewalk display area. I found a

nice one with a fake leather band and a

small fake gold face. After haggling hard

core, as my dad is wont to do (he is

Pakistani after all), we got the guy down

to six hundred rupees, which was like

twenty dollars. Score.

I promptly strapped on my glorious

new watch and proudly strutted through

the streets with my dad. I was a baller.

Unfortunately, my glory was short

lived because on the plane ride home,

even before I was able to show it off to

friends and strangers alike, the gold

crown emblem - that indicates it totally

is a real Rolex - fell off and slid down

the watch face to rest just below the 7.

Fail.

While we all desperately want real

love more than anything, giving and

receiving it is an inherently vulnerable

(and thus scary) thing to do. I could get

hurt, I could be rejected, I could lose the

people and things I care about. That’s

freaky.

So instead, we often settle for love’s

cheaper, safer substitutes. The fake

Rolexes if you will. These include trying

to get approval and attempting to

impress others. They may not feel as

good, and they may not truly, deeply

meet our need for love, but they’re less

risky and safer dammit.

GETTING APPROVAL

Approval is defined as “accepting

something

as

satisfactory.”

Pretty

uninspiring. But that is what most of us

are unconsciously going for when we

interact with others, be it a co-worker,

boss, potential date, friend, spouse, or

stranger. The main way we usually try to

be accepted as satisfactory is to avoid

doing anything that might be deemed

unsatisfactory. That is, we avoid

anything the other person might not like.

Here’s our unconscious plan: If I

avoid stepping on toes, don’t disagree

too much, and stay away from touchy

subjects, then my interactions with

others will be smooth. They won’t have

anything to disapprove of because I’ll be

so agreeable, pleasing, and nice. Then,

with nothing they could possibly dislike

being displayed, they will have no other

option but to shower me with approval.

I personally ran this strategy for

almost fifteen years. It was pretty

dismal. How does it work for you?

Usually, not very well, I’m guessing.

Because even if you somehow manage to

contort yourself into that little box that

you think the other person wants you to

be in, you don’t win much. At best, you

get some approval - aka to be “not

disliked.” How’s that for a shitty booby

prize?

Does the other person know you,

connect with you, feel powerfully drawn

to you, or love you? Not if you’re

running the approval strategy. Because in

that game, they don’t really get a chance

to see you. You’re hidden back there

behind

all

the

people-pleasing

maneuvers. So they can’t really know

you or love you, and you aren’t able to

receive any of the most primary currency

that you desperately need and want.

It’s like being thirsty and instead of

drinking a tall glass of pure spring water

you swig down a toxic dehydrating glass

of soda. It doesn’t give you what you

really need.

Even worse, it often doesn’t even

give you the cheap substitute. Instead of

walking away with approval, you often

walk away feeling (or actually being)

rejected. You’re still thirsty and

probably even more dehydrated after

drinking that soda. Others aren’t as

interested in you; attractive people scan

around the room for someone better to

talk to; and your boss overlooks you and

gives the new project management role

to someone else. What the fuck?

I was trying to get approval, why

didn’t this work?!

Because people can sense that

pattern of desperate approval-seeking.

They pick up on it subconsciously and it

often repels them. At best they’re just not

that drawn to you for future interactions.

“Oh yeah, that Aziz guy. Yeah, he’s

alright.”

“Do you want to hire him, date him,

or be his friend?”

“Mmm, nah. He’s alright and all, but

I’m just not interested.”

At worst, people are actively turned

off by this and try to get out of the

interaction or relationship with you as

soon as possible. I’ve been there and it’s

painful and it’s confusing and it sucks.

Approval is a dismal substitute for the

real thing. And the pursuit of trying to get

approval from others leaves us hollow,

yearning for more, and often lonelier

than we want to be.

If approval seeking is an ongoing

challenge you have been dealing with,

you will benefit greatly from the next

chapter in this book, which is focused on

increasing your sense of personal power.

For additional resources on increasing

power, eliminating approval seeking,

and letting go of caring so much about

what

others

think,

visit

http://ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com

ARE YOU IMPRESSED?

Another shitty substitute for love that we

spend way too much time trying to

acquire is admiration. We want to

impress

others

with

how

smart,

successful, or popular we are. How

many friends we have, how much we’ve

achieved, or how much we earn.

This desire to impress others can

motivate us in hundreds of ways, from

what car we buy (or lease because we

can’t really afford to buy it but want to

look like we can), to the level we excel

in our career and how much we earn, to

how good of a parent we appear to be in

the eyes of others.

Behind all of this lies an unexamined

chain of logic. If others are impressed,

then they’ll admire me, which means

they’ll want to be around me as a friend,

employer, customer, or romantic partner.

And that is close enough to love for me,

especially since I don’t have to risk

much in order to get it.

It’s like that old transitive property

from Boring Math 101 in some grade.

A=B and B=C. So A=B=C. So therefore

A=C.

Impressed = Admired ≈ Love

Therefore:

Impressed ≈ Love

(The squiggly equal sign means it’s

kind of equal to that. Close enough.)

But it’s not. It really isn’t. It leads to

endless pursuits of things we don’t

really want or actually need. And it can

create the horrible monster known as

perfectionism, which I struggled with for

many years (and still do sometimes).

This is perfectionism in a nutshell: I

have to be perfect and amazing and

impress you in order for you to love me.

If I show flaws, weakness, uncertainty or

insecurity, you will certainly reject me

as the unlovable wretch that I am.

Perfectionism comes from trying to

impress others as a safe, cheap substitute

for love. It’s not love. It’s not even

close. It’s pain and loneliness.

Let’s drop the grasping quest for

these substitutes. Just let them go. People

might approve of you, or be impressed

by you. Or they might not. It’s okay, you

don’t need either one. What you really

need and want is love. And the good

news is there’s tons of that to go around

and you don’t even need that much of it

to thrive wildly.

The only problem is we have a

bunch of subtle clever maneuvers to

actually block love from ever reaching

our hearts. Insanity! Why on earth would

we do that? Because we humans hate

pain, remember? We hate even the

possibility of pain. So that other natural

instinct—to keep ourselves safe—is an

effort to protect ourselves from pain. We

try to get all the goodies, joy and

pleasure without having to take any of

the risks. But love doesn’t work that

way. You have to step up and put

yourself out there in order to play. Risk

is an inherent part of the game.

Let’s look at the main ways we keep

love away, and then how we can break

through to experience new levels of

love, connection, and joy in our lives.

LOVE HURTS: THE FEAR

OF PAIN

Why do we push away or block the very

thing we want most? Because it comes

with a scary price tag. And while we

stand to gain all the benefits of love,

including joy, connection, peace, and

purpose, we also know on some level

that we might have to pay for it in

several painful ways.

Let’s uncover the main fears around

love right now, so we can see what

we’re dealing with. This will help you

feel more at ease and confident, because

uncovering and facing our fears is

always better than ignoring and hiding

from them. When we examine our fears

in the light of day, we often see how

strange and exaggerated they really are.

This diminishes their power so we are

free to let in all the love we truly want.

Fear Of Disapproval And

Rejection

“None shall pass.”

- The Black Night, Monty Python

And The Quest For The Holy Grail

One of the first fears that shows up when

we are considering love is the deep fear

of experiencing criticism, disapproval

or rejection.

This one can be summed up as this:

I’ll open up my heart and put myself

out there and the other person will say,

“Eww,

no

thank

you.

You

are

unattractive and unworthy of my love. I

don’t like you.”

We can be afraid of this scenario at

any point along the process of

connecting with others, from the first

meeting, to the first date, to the fifth year

of our relationship. In fact, we can

become more afraid of this as time goes

on because we become more and more

connected to the other person. Now if

they reject us, it hurts even more. It

matters more.

I like to think of this one as the

Gatekeeper Fear. It often comes up first

and prevents us from even entering the

playing field of love. I have worked for

many years with people struggling with

social anxiety. The fear of strangers and

of new people rejecting us is rampant in

this scenario. Time and again, I would

hear a client say, “I desperately want to

meet someone, feel a connection, go on

dates, fall in love, and have a great

relationship.” And it was true. Part of

them did want this.

But the Gatekeeper would get the

best of them. Before they could even

walk over to the person to open their

mouth and start a conversation, the fear

of rejection would overtake them. They

would feel a sense of absolute certainty

that this person, who was so beautiful

and confident, couldn’t possibly want to

talk with them, let alone date, sleep

with, or spend years of their life with

them. And so they would never even try.

Safety Police, anyone?

This is a way of dodging the

potential pain of disapproval and

rejection. But it also obviously dodges

the potential pleasure of love and

connection. Why would we choose to go

without love, to starve ourselves of the

primary currency, in order to avoid

rejection?

Because rejection hurts.

There are things we do to make it

hurt way more than it has to, and we

talked about some of the most powerful

tools in the world to handle rejection so

it never holds you back again in the

Action chapter.

But, you’ll notice I never said

something like this, which is the favorite

dogma

of

the

self-help

world.

“Rejection does not have to hurt at all. In

fact, the only reason you feel pain is

because you’re making it so by giving it

a negative meaning. Just change the

meaning and it won’t hurt at all.”

Bullshit.

What are we, robots? Ultra logical

Vulcans?

The truth is even without negative

meanings being attached to it, rejection

can and does hurt. Not all rejections

have to be painful, and not all rejections

hurt equally, but pain is often part of it.

When I muster up the courage to start a

friendly conversation with someone I am

drawn to, and she gives me a look of

utter contempt and dismisses me, that

hurts.

When I spend ninety minutes talking

with someone, giving them my full

attention and trying my best to serve

them, and then they say, “No, I don’t

want to work with you.” That can hurt.

When I go down into the kitchen, walk

up to my wife, and wrap my arms around

her as she prepares some food, and she

tightens in her body and moves away

slightly, that hurts.

I know rationally and intellectually

that the rejecting woman could be in a

bad mood, that the potential client may

have some block to trusting me, and that

my wife may be struggling with

something that has nothing to do with me.

And yet it can still hurt in my heart.

Simple,

and

often

dismissive,

statements like, “just don’t take it

personally” usually don’t help. The truth

is this: rejection hurts. And another truth

is that we can handle this hurt.

We just have to be willing to feel. To

go into that painful sensation right in the

center of our hearts, directly and fully,

breathing deeply all the while. Wow,

what a sensation! It can hurt so much.

Not always, and not equally for each

rejection, but wow. Ouch.

In order to become extraordinarily

confident, you’ll want to become way

more familiar with this sensation. We

think it’s horrible, and that it means

something is terribly wrong with us, the

other person, or the world. But the secret

to extraordinary confidence in love, and

many other areas of life, lies in the

center of that feeling of pain. We will

discuss this more in just a bit when we

get to the section on loving fully and

boldly. For now, let’s move to the next

fear that stops us from loving fully.

Fear Of Being Left

A primal fear every human has is the

fear of being abandoned. I think it’s

deeply hardwired into our nervous

systems from birth, since at that time

abandonment would have equaled death.

Now, as fully capable adults, we

may not consciously fear that we will be

abandoned and be unable to take care of

ourselves or survive. But deep in our

hearts, we still fear being left, which can

bring about a great deal of pain and tap

into this old primal fear of abandonment.

This showed up for me pretty early

in life with nightmares and separation

anxiety. I remember sleeping in the same

room as my brother when we were

young kids. As we each lay there on our

individual twin beds, I would repeatedly

request, “Tariq, face me.” I wanted him

to be facing me as I fell asleep. If he

were to turn over I would feel a growing

sense of anxiety and dread. I was afraid

of being left.

As an adult this manifested as me

starting relationships with women and

then leaving them fairly quickly, thus

preventing me from ever being the

person who was left. I’ll do the leaving

here, thank you very much. Later still, I

noticed this fear showing up in client

relationships.

I

would

sometimes

experience a nagging and persistent fear

that all of my clients would leave me. In

my experience over the years, this is not

something I have much control over. The

brave and willing stay through the

process to profoundly heal and grow,

and a certain percentage of others

choose to pull back to the safe and

familiar life that they lived before.

Nonetheless, a fear of being left persists.

This often shows up in people’s

romantic relationships as well. It could

be a chronic fear of their partner leaving

them, no longer finding them attractive,

or cheating on them. It can also show up

as a perpetual fear of being fired for no

major reason. All of these are forms of

the fear of being left.

And we hate that feeling. Being left

tends to dredge up all kinds of negative

self-worth stuff. Or, to be more exact, all

kinds of “clearly I’m not worthy of love”

stuff. We hate the feeling that we are not

enough in some way. Part of that feeling

is this chain of reasoning: If I was only

better looking, smarter, funnier, or

more of something or other, then I

would never be left. But I was left so

therefore I’m inadequate and inferior.

What a mess. No thank you. I’ll just

steer clear of that love nonsense and then

I won’t have to worry about being

rejected or left or abandoned or any of

this other unpleasant stuff. I can just stay

in my apartment, get take out, watch TV,

play video games, maybe spend a little

time with a friend or two who I know

won’t leave me, and call it a life.

Sounds comfortable, predictable, and

safe.

Sound familiar? It’s a choice we all

might make on any given day, or month,

or year.

Fear Of Hurting Others

Another major obstacle to love is the

fear of hurting others. This is especially

common if you fancy yourself a “nice”

person. You don’t like conflict, you try

to be polite to everybody, and you just

can’t stand it if someone doesn’t like you

or something you did.

If this sounds like you, don’t worry. I

can relate. I spent a decade of my life as

the nicest guy you could ever imagine

(on the outside), even though inside I

was anxious, uncomfortable, suffering

from chronic low self-esteem and deep

down quite angry – I just didn’t allow

myself to feel it.

As part of this approach to life, you

tend to worry a lot about what others

think and feel. The last thing you want to

be seen as is a selfish jerk who hurts

other people. So you lean toward the

opposite extreme and do whatever you

can to make sure everyone feels great all

the time. If someone is upset, you take it

upon yourself to remedy the situation,

even if it involves saying and doing

things you don’t actually believe.

Whatever it takes to make everything

smooth again.

This

pattern

gets

especially

challenging when it comes to love.

Because love is the biggest risk of all

and people are going to get hurt. Before

dating someone, you can’t know if it’s a

perfect fit. You have to spend time

together and figure out if there’s enough

connection and chemistry. You might not

feel it. He or she might not feel it.

Someone’s going to be disappointed,

sad, or rejected.

Even if you two hit it off extremely

well, and you are a match made in

heaven. Even if you love the hell out of

each other, and the sex is great, and you

treat each other as gentle as you please.

Guess what? Someone’s still, inevitably

going to get hurt.

There is no way that two humans can

agree on everything. They can’t have the

same feelings about the same things all

the time. They can’t always want the

same things. So there are going to be

some

unavoidable

moments

of

frustration, some conflicting desires or

preferences,

and

definitely

some

disappointments. If you are both being

authentic, expressive, and honest, it

cannot be any other way.

This is where the nice guy in me

freaked out. I can’t disappoint a woman.

I can’t say no to her if she really wants

something. I can’t tell her I’d rather

spend the weekend “doing my own

thing.” That would crush her! I would

be such a selfish monster.

To

make

matters

even

more

confusing, when you are living as the

“nice guy” or “nice girl” you tend to

attract partners who may unconsciously

use this to their advantage. They may be

highly skilled at running the “guilt trip,”

for example. “You don’t want to spend

the weekend with me? How could you

do this to me? Why do you never want to

spend any time with me? What am I

supposed to do all weekend??”

Even worse, what if you decide you

don’t actually want to date this person

anymore? What if you want to break up?

Well shit, that’s just about as much pain

as you can cause in another person,

right? Especially one you supposedly

love. No, that’s too cruel. You’d better

just adapt yourself and do some internal

gymnastics so you can make it work

between the two of you.

Many people I’ve worked with had

stayed in relationships for months or

years longer than they wanted to, simply

because they did not want to hurt the

other person. It’s tortuous. No one said

being “nice” was easy.

So in order to avoid that whole ball

of

complex

feelings

and

asking

themselves the confusing questions, such

as, “Am I a good person if I cause pain

in others?” many people just give love a

wide berth. They stay a safe distance

away, residing in social anxiety, fear of

meeting and dating others, or keeping

relationships

very

short

and

uncommitted.

Of course, what you’re really scared

of is not only hurting the other person.

It’s the feeling of guilt that you feel

afterwards. And the relentless self-

attack that ensues, wherein you tell

yourself that you’re a bad person, and

often believe it. That is what you’re

really afraid of. And that is something

you can be completely free from, which

makes life, love, and relationships

approximately 4,000% better.

Before we move on to see how we

deal with these fears, and how to free

ourselves from them, there’s just one

more fear we have to look at. Even when

we accept that to love means opening

ourselves up to getting rejected and

being abandoned, we’re still not in the

clear yet. Because there’s one more fear

that is the granddaddy of them all. The

thing we want to avoid most. Loss.

Fear Of Loss

After studying psychology for several

decades and working with thousands of

people, I believe that loss is one of the

experiences we dislike most as humans.

We hate to lose anything. Objects,

possessions, opportunities, experiences,

and of course people and places we

love.

The grief we feel as a result of

losing something or someone we love is

hands-down one of the most difficult and

intolerable things we experience as

people. In fact, it’s so uncomfortable that

most people will do absolutely anything

to not feel the loss or the grief

associated with loss. If at all possible,

we will avoid connecting fully and

vulnerably so that we will not be as

exposed to loss. If we do experience it,

we have countless strategies to escape

from this feeling, including staying busy,

working non-stop, not slowing down,

being

constantly

engaged

with

entertainment or some digital device,

pushing others away, lashing out at

people, getting drunk, or spiraling into

addiction.

And yet, despite our dislike of this

feeling, it’s an inherent part of love. It’s

built into love. Damn.

Everything we love we will lose. In

the short term we could lose someone

because they might break up with us, or

choose to move on. Even if we have the

most

amazing,

loving,

lifelong

relationship in the world, we will still

lose the other person. Old age, sickness,

and ultimately death, awaits us all.

On top of that, we have no idea when

that loss might occur. There are

absolutely no guarantees whatsoever.

My children could get sick and die long

before I do. My dear friend might get

into a car accident when he’s just about

to have his first child with his now

pregnant wife. So much potential loss.

Such unpredictability.

It freaks us out. That much

uncertainty and that much vulnerability

can be hard to live with. So we squeeze

the pipe and reduce the flow of love to a

trickle.

Less

gets

in,

but

we

unconsciously think: if I don’t feel so

much love now, maybe it will hurt less

if I lose it later. After all, if I love

completely, I’m setting myself up for a

world of hurt.

Yep. You are. That just seems to be

how it is. I know some spiritual teachers

say they no longer identify with the

physical form and that all things are one,

so there is no loss. And that therefore,

when their husband or wife of thirty

years dies, they won’t feel grief because

they are completely aligned with the way

of Spirit or God.

I don’t know about all that. I think

it’s going to hurt a shit ton when I lose

my wife, and my parents, and my friends,

and my children (hopefully I won’t have

to experience that last one). But I’m all

in. I’m going to keep opening my heart

more and more to squeeze every last

ounce of juice out of this amazing

opportunity.

If you are with me, and are sick and

tired of living a guarded life, of trying to

minimize the pain of rejection and loss,

but at the same time find yourself

minimizing your joy, power, and sense of

vitality, then good! We are going to

explore exactly how to live and love

with more boldness and courage. How

to be all in and reap the tremendous

rewards of taking that risk.

The best way to do that is to uncover

the main ways you try to get away from

the fears listed above. The specific

strategies you regularly use to avoid

these fears that are causing you to enjoy

less love than you want and need in your

life. As you identify and remove these

strategies, you will approach life in a

less guarded manner, and your heart will

thank you for it.

HOW WE DEFEND OUR

HEARTS

The Emotional Breastplate

Our hearts are one of the most

vulnerable parts of our bodies. Any

damage inflicted on this area will cause

major bodily disruption or death.

Knowing this, men who went into

combat used to wear extra armor in front

of their hearts, known as a breastplate. It

was often a thick sheet of metal that

would deflect anything that attempted to

make contact with the man’s heart.

Unknowingly, almost everyone is

wearing some sort of mental-emotional

breastplate in front of their hearts. It is

designed to protect us from the

emotional wounds that our vulnerable

hearts can experience. Rejection, hurt,

ridicule, being unwanted or disliked, or

losing people and places we love. These

can all be painful experiences, and we

don’t like pain. So after experiencing a

few of these painful moments, we decide

to don an emotional breastplate. We pick

up patterns of thinking, feeling, and

acting that serve to protect us from

feeling so much pain in our hearts.

Of course, this armor protects us

from feeling anything. While we may

sort of numb that ache of loss or

vulnerability,

we

also

numb

the

expansive pleasure of love, or the bright

joy of breathing in the fresh, cool air that

smells of fall and is heavy with

moisture. Instead we just feel stressed,

tense, worried, irritable, or impatient.

We spend the majority of our time in our

heads, thinking about the world and

ourselves. It feels a little safer up in

there, doesn’t it? I know I try to think my

way out of feelings all the time. And if

that doesn’t work, distraction is always

good, too. Music, audiobooks, games on

your phone, social media, reading the

“news”, watching endless TV shows, or

just going to the Internet and furrowing

your brow, asking yourself “Wasn’t there

something I needed to look up?”

This breastplate may have served

you in the past. It may have protected

you from pain you didn’t know how to

manage at the time, like your parents

divorcing or losing your first love. Or

you may have unconsciously needed to

put it on to provide a sense of certainty

and safety that you’d never have to hurt

that much again. Whatever happened that

caused you to initially put on this

breastplate, it’s okay. We’re just tender,

vulnerable creatures doing the best we

can in an incredibly complex world.

Give yourself a break.

In this moment, as in all moments,

you have a choice. You can choose to

maintain your defended stance towards

others and life, marching forward with a

breastplate (and maybe even a thick

shield in front of that). Or you can

choose to live in a less defended way.

You can choose to draw more awareness

and energy into your heart, rather than

less. You can feel your heart and your

feelings much more throughout the day.

You can acknowledge the vulnerability

of life, of those you love, and of

yourself. You can accept that you will

feel pain and loss as part of living and

loving, but that you are powerful and

expansive enough to feel all of those

things. And this will open you up to so

much more joy, happiness, love and life.

It’s scary, but it sure beats the

alternative.

In order to actually do this, you have

to become aware of how you construct

the armor around your heart. This

awareness will help you dismantle the

breastplate so that you can love others

more freely and fully.

Heart Defense Squad

Let’s take a look at your team: your

collection of patterns that are designed

to help you feel a little less pain around

love. I call these patterns your Heart

Defense Squad, because that’s exactly

what they’re trying to do. That, and

because it’s a badass name.

Notice which of the following you

do to try and feel less. Less fear, less

vulnerability, and less pain of rejection,

loss, or being left. If you’re like most of

us, you’ll probably recognize more than

one of these patterns in your squad.

STOP FEELING THAT!

This is a straightforward, simple, and

highly effective way to try and get away

from feelings. In any given moment,

however you’re feeling, your mind

simply tells you, stop feeling that!

Sad? Stop feeling that!

Anxious, confused, hurt, rejected,

insecure? Stop feeling that!

Your mind will provide you with

tons of reasons for why you should not

be feeling what you’re feeling. It will

make a compelling case for why you’re

wrong for feeling the way you do, and

should knock it off right now.

Just yesterday I was getting my

haircut at a barbershop down the street

from my house. Sitting in the chair next

to me was a little boy who was getting

his hair cut while his brother and mom

sat on the big black couch in the waiting

area. Towards the end of his haircut, the

barber called mom over to discuss a few

tweaks. As they talked, the little boy sat

there quietly, looking off into the

distance. I didn’t get a long look at him,

but I would guess he was feeling a little

tense, anxious, sad or uncomfortable.

His mom picked up on this as well

and said, “Jerry, what’s wrong? Why are

you like this? Smile. This is not like

you.” Translation: Stop feeling that

Jerry. What the hell is wrong with you

anyways?

Most of us got a hefty dose of this as

children,

from

parents,

siblings,

teachers,

and

other

installers

of

programming. It may have been subtle or

obvious. More harsh, or more kind.

Regardless, the end result is a

hyperactive pattern of telling ourselves

not to feel something.

Does this actually work? What is

your experience?

For me, I’ve noticed it can kinda

sorta keeps a feeling at bay for a little

while, but it doesn’t actually make it go

away entirely. It’s there waiting for me

in the shadows, building in intensity.

Meanwhile, I’m just feeling something

unpleasant. Usually this is some

combination of tension, irritability,

impatience, and general resistance to

other people and to life.

One of my favorite feelings to run

this strategy on is loss. Whether it’s in

dealing with a miscarriage or my

beloved deceased cat Pimple, my heart

defense squad was ready to reduce the

pain onslaught (no that’s not a typo, his

name was Pimple, and yes, I am an

adult).

After some arbitrary amount of time,

say three weeks for the dead cat, and

three months for the lost baby, my mind

says: O k, that’s enough! Grieving time

is now officially closed. After this

proclamation, any feeling of sadness in

my heart was met with confusion and

impatience.

What

is

this

grief

nonsense? What is wrong with you?

Others don’t feel this much or hurt this

long. You should be over this by now.

It’s always something with you,

grieving this, feeling sad over that.

You’re just making stuff up to feel sad

about because you’re messed up and

weak. And bad. Yeah.

Now as this delightful experience is

happening in my head, to be honest I’m

not feeling the grief. I don’t know what

the hell I’m feeling, but probably some

mixture of shame, a sense of being

defective or inferior, and maybe anxiety.

What I do know is that it’s definitely

painful.

You know the crazy thing though? It

actually feels better than straight up grief

and feeling the loss. It’s somehow more

manageable and under control. It doesn’t

remind me how vulnerable love makes

me. It’s safer. It’s also painful,

miserable, self-esteem-destroying and

ultimately unhealthy, but it’s safer.

The core message of this member of

the Heart Defense Squad (heretofore

referred to in shorthand as HDS) is you

don’t have a good enough reason to feel

that, so don’t feel it at all.

Whenever you notice this pattern

running in your mind, label it as an HDS

maneuver. Then apply one of the new

strategies you’ll learn below in the

section on loving fully and boldly.

SUPER DISTRACTO

Ahh, the old Super D. This strategy is

king in our modern life. It basically

involves continually focusing externally

on whatever is in front of us, so we can

avoid going inward and feeling the hard

feelings.

Super D takes the form of television,

video games, our laptops, our smart

phones with games and apps and the

ability to compulsively check our email

eighty-three times per day. He disguises

himself as sports, the latest news, what

so and so said about such and such,

shopping,

Internet

porn,

endlessly

reading responses to a Reddit post,

researching the list of updates to the

latest piece of tech gear. These are just a

few of the ways we can focus externally

rather than allowing our focus to be on

our feelings.

None of these activities is inherently

wrong or to be avoided entirely. They

are simply some of the many things we

can choose to focus on when we need a

distraction. But if we frantically focus

on the external, moving from one thing to

the next without even pausing to slow

down and feel, then we’re most likely

running an HDS strategy.

Sometimes we have done this for so

long that is just feels normal. Of course

I’m doing a bunch of stuff. What else

am I supposed to do, just sit there and

do nothing?

But if you slow down and become

more willing to notice what you are

feeling and actually feel it, without

running away, something interesting will

happen. You’ll start to notice the

compulsive drive forward and feel the

discomfort and tension around it. You

may even pause for a moment, or drive

somewhere without music and podcasts

and talking voices blaring at you. At

first, you might feel antsy, bored, or

impatient. But what if you didn’t

impulsively try to get rid of that feeling

by ingesting the next piece of stimulus?

What if you just took a few breaths, felt

your body, and became more aware of

what was going on inside of your mind,

your body, and your heart?

Super Distracto doesn’t want any of

this nonsense, so he’ll be running

overtime to prevent that. With more

doing, more activity, and more pleasure

comes less feeling, thank you very much.

HEAD GAMES

This strategy is so common and so

consistent that it actually becomes a way

of life. It makes up how you see yourself

and who you think you are. Basically, it

involves seeing yourself as residing

entirely between your ears, and your

body is like an inert sack of potatoes

hanging from your head, which is where

all the action really happens anyway.

I remember one session with a client

named Nick. He had been struggling

with self-doubt and social anxiety for

most of his life, despite having a family

and running a relatively successful

business. He was in constant fear of

being judged, worried about how people

were thinking of him, and whether he

was better or worse than others.

He was telling me about a moment

when he had felt so nervous about two

colleagues who were talking nearby. As

usual, he had a hard time being present

in the moment because he was analyzing

how they might view him, and how he

could impress them when he spoke.

In our session, I asked him to pause

for a moment, take a breath, and notice

where he felt that nervousness, fear, and

pressure to impress them.

“Where do you notice that tension or

angst in your body?” I asked.

“Uhhh. Hmm. I don’t notice anything

in my body,” he replied.

“Really, nothing? What about in your

stomach, your solar plexus, your chest,

your neck, your jaw? Can you feel

anything in any of those places?”

He paused for a moment, apparently

checking. “Mmmm, no. Maybe I feel a

little hungry in my stomach. I can’t

notice anything else.”

This man had lived in his head for so

long, he could no longer feel his body.

My best guess is he retreated to his head

to avoid the painful feelings in his body.

And after having done that for several

decades, he had forgotten how to get

back. That, and part of him was really

terrified to go back there.

Avoiding the feelings in our bodies

is yet another way we can protect feeling

so much in our hearts. We retreat to our

heads and try to live completely

cerebrally. I’ll solve the problems,

figure out what to do, handle all social

situations, even interact with people I

love, all through my head. That’s the

plan anyway. Of course it turns out it

doesn’t work so well for, you know, life.

As much as we might try to be, we

are not completely logical Vulcan-like

creatures. We are strongly influenced

and impacted by our feelings. We can’t

think uncomfortable emotions away or

banish them by completely focusing on

our thoughts. Feelings need attention,

presence, and acceptance. This is how

they move through us, clearing us out to

feel alive, present, and self-confident.

WET BLANKET

This one is a tried and true strategy that

people have been using for hundreds, if

not thousands of years. It goes something

like this: Don’t get too excited. Don’t

get your hopes up. It won’t work out

anyway.

This relationship, this job, this

project, your future, anything that matters

to you in life—just don’t get too excited

about it. If you do, you’re just setting

yourself up for a big fall, which will feel

absolutely terrible. Because at the end of

the day, people will leave you, things

won’t work out the way you had hoped,

and you’ll not only feel that pain, but

also the pain of having hoped everything

could have work out the way you wanted

it to.

No thank you. It’s better to just guide

your focus away from excitement,

optimism, and joy and towards a dismal,

bleak future. It’s unpleasant and kind of

demoralizing, but it’s safe.

This is the traditional pessimist’s

stance. The position of the classic cynic,

who may seem tough or like he’s made

of steel, but underneath he’s terrified.

He’s so scared to open his heart and feel

the vulnerable feelings of excitement,

joy, and anticipation. He’s even more

scared

to

feel

loss,

sadness,

discouragement, or the pain of failure

and things not working out exactly as

he’d hoped they would. It makes him

want to cry.

But he’s tough, dammit. So he

doesn’t cry. And no, he’s not scared.

He’s just skeptical. And he thinks all this

positive thinking and self-help stuff is

stupid and for mindless people who

can’t think for themselves. Not him, he’s

a tough realist. The only one who’s not

afraid to tell it like it really is.

In reality, he’s living with walls

around his heart that are so high and so

thick that very little love can get in or

out. He has chosen safety and certainty

over love or anything else for that

matter. And his heart is dying as each

day passes.

SOCIAL ANXIETY AS A DEFENSE

One of my main specialties is working

with clients who experience social

anxiety. I’ve worked with thousands of

people over the years, and after I wrote

the best-selling book, The Solution To

Social Anxiety, I came in contact with

even more people who wanted my help

to break through the fear and shyness that

was holding them back.

As I worked with more and more

clients, I began to see a fascinating

pattern. Everyone was of course dealing

with the main challenges of social

anxiety—fear

of

being

judged,

predicting others would not like them,

reluctance to take risks and put

themselves out there, and the deep-

seated feeling that something was wrong

with them and they were somehow

unlovable.

The fascinating pattern I discovered

was that many of my clients had

experiences in their lives when they did,

at one point, feel very open, very free,

and very loved. It may have been when

they were kids, or when they first fell in

love as a young adult. And then

something

happened—their

family

moved and they had to leave all their

friends, they entered middle school and

started

comparing

and

criticizing

themselves, or their beloved moved

away or ended the relationship.

For example, one of my clients

moved every two years when he was a

kid. Sometimes he made friends at each

new school, and sometimes he endured

two years of being heavily teased.

Another fell deeply in love when he

was twenty years old. He was a lover of

life, passionate, and excited about his

future. After six months his beloved’s

parents said she could not date him,

because they held traditional Indian

values and did not feel he was a good fit

for her. To his surprise and dismay, she

obeyed her parents and didn’t even fight

for him.

In response to this pain, they both

began to experience social anxiety. They

began to fear meeting people, asking

potential dating partners out, speaking up

in meetings, and connecting with people

in general.

It seems that one of their common

responses to experiencing pain and loss

was to make an unconscious decision

that goes something like this: Wow,

opening myself up so wide led me to get

hurt really badly. It was so painful to

lose my friends, lose my girlfriend or

boyfriend, to lose that connection.

Opening up and deeply connecting with

others is extremely dangerous. I am

destined to get hurt if I do. So, from

now on, I will avoid doing that.

Enter social anxiety. It’s the perfect

Heart Defense Squad maneuver. It casts

a deep spell on you, telling you that

others won’t like you, it won’t work out

anyway, no one wants to talk with you,

no one wants you as a friend, no one

wants to date you, no one wants to hear

your opinion, and on and on.

And all the while, it’s guiding you

towards holding more and more of

yourself back. Hiding in a shell of

protection, away from the chance of

getting hurt as a result of connecting with

others and the world.

And then, in a final stroke of genius,

the social anxiety gives you one major

problem about yourself to focus on. I

have this social anxiety problem. It

makes me really different and messed

up. I can’t talk to people or connect

with them because I have this social

anxiety problem. And then your mind

and energy can be focused on your

problem and how different you are. All

the while, keeping you safely removed

from all real contact with other people.

Pay no attention to the man behind

the curtain…

BRING IT ON: LOVING

FULLY AND BOLDLY

Despite all the fears, and all the ways

we try to avoid pain and emotional

discomfort, guess what? You want love.

You need it. And so do I. We all do.

So let’s talk about how you can have

the confidence to face those fears and

take that risk. To remove the armor from

around your heart, and be willing to

open up and fully let love in. Because,

as with all things in life, when you face

your fear and get to the other side, the

rewards are tremendous. And no reward

is more valuable, more fulfilling, and

more deeply satisfying than love. It’s the

jackpot.

What Is Love?

“What is love? Baby don’t hurt me.

Don’t hurt me, no more.”

- Haddaway

It’s a cheesy song, and yes, it’s from

A Night At The Roxbury, which some

people consider a classic. And by some

people, I mean no one. But it asks a great

question: “What is love?” I know, it’s a

big question and there are a million

answers out there - from poets to

musicians

to

hardcore

scientists

measuring peptide counts. I am just

going to provide a simple, clear,

relatively unscientific definition here.

Love is something that is felt and

expressed. It’s something you do, not just

something you feel. Feeling is a big part

of it. It can feel like a warmth in your

chest, excitement in your body, energy,

joy, uplifting. It’s a sense of “yes” to

someone or something. More please.

It can also be felt as an ache in the

absence of the person, animal, or place

that we love. Longing, pining, or

yearning for our beloved. This is part of

the feeling of love, too.

Another component of love that is

equal to that feeling is the doing, the

expressing. In order to fully feel love,

we must express it. We must say it, share

it, show it. If we don’t, it withers and

dies inside of us.

Have you ever had the joy of saying

“I love you” to someone, and then

hearing them respond with “I love you,

too”? Not the automatic rote version that

you might say with your husband or wife

as you leave to go to the cleaners. I’m

talking about the moment when you are

really feeling it. Really present and

aware of what you are saying, and of the

depth of the feelings in your heart. In that

moment, when your love is received and

their love is shared back with you, what

happens? The feelings in your heart

intensify, don’t they? They magnify and

become even more powerful.

We can express our love in countless

ways. You can tell someone directly that

you love them, you can touch them, hug

them, hold their hand. You can buy them

a gift, surprise them, or write them a

heartfelt note. You can listen to them

when they’re hurting and reassure them

when they’re scared. You can treat them

with kindness and acceptance, even

when they make a mistake. You can

praise them for their qualities and

accomplishments

(ladies,

we

men

especially like this last one). This list

could go on for twenty pages. The

number of ways to express love is

endless. The more you do it, the more

love you feel. The better your

relationships, the better your life.

All the fears we talked about above

can get in the way and prevent us from

experiencing the feelings of love. Our

fear and self-doubt can also significantly

block us from expressing love as freely

and openly as we truly want to. Let’s see

how we can free you up to more boldly

and openly feel and express love

whenever you want.

Expressing Love

How freely can you express love? How

boldly do you put it out there? How

willing are you to do it again if the first

response was not exactly what you

wanted?

In my experience, most of us are

hesitant and a little scared to express our

love. It feels vulnerable, and we could

get hurt. So instead we play this game. I

call it the Certain Love Game, and it

goes something like this: I’ll hang back

and wait for you to express love first.

Then, when I know it’s safe, I’ll share

too. Of course, this gets a little

problematic if both people are playing

the same game.

This hesitation to express love can

show up at every level of connection and

in all relationships. Because expressing

love is not just saying “I love you.” It is

the expression of any positive energy

towards someone. Being attentive,

interested, curious and open with

someone is expressing love. Giving

someone a compliment is a form of

expressing love. It might be a less

intense dose of love than writing a

passionate love letter is, but it is the

same kind of energy on a much smaller

scale.

So where do you hesitate to express

love?

Some people are reluctant to

approach people and warmly engage

with them. Others hold back and don’t

give someone a compliment or ask them

out when they really want to. You might

hesitate to openly share that you are

enjoying talking to someone and that

you’d love to hang out again, or be

friends. You also might avoid sharing

what’s really going on in your life when

someone asks, and instead keep it

superficial and change the subject.

All of these examples are actually

forms of holding back and not expressing

love, because love is nothing more than

an exchange of positive energy. And the

more we express love, the more we feel

love. But often we don’t want to do all

this because we’re afraid we are going

to get rejected and that our love won’t

be received well. Now we’re holding

back and playing the Certain Love

Game. Which might feel safer, but it

actually massively restricts the amount

of love we can feel. We’re determining

whether or not we express love based on

what we think other people will approve

of. We are basing our actions, our

expression, and ultimately ourselves on

other people, and this never leads to

good things.

What if you didn’t wait for others’

permission or approval? What if you

stopped playing the Certain Love Game

and just played the I Say And Do

Whatever I Want Game? In my

experience that one is a hell of a lot

more fun. You feel way better about

yourself, you enjoy much more love in

your

life,

and

people

become

magnetically drawn to you because

you’re emitting love, which is what

everyone in the world wants deep down

to experience more than anything else.

What would this look like? When

there is someone you are drawn to, walk

over and talk to them. Immediately.

Instead of asking yourself these kinds of

questions:

Do they want to talk with me?

How will they respond to me?

Will they like me back? (aka is love

certain?)

Try asking yourself these kinds of

questions:

What do I like about this person?

How can I tell them this?

I wonder who that person is and

what they’re like?

When I was struggling with social

anxiety, if I saw a woman I was attracted

to, I would feel more dread and fear than

anything else. As I developed the

courage and boldness to express love

and stopped waiting until I knew it was

going to be returned, my internal

response changed. It went from Oh shit!

to Oooh, who’s that? There was an

excitement and a desire to be closer to

her.

Then, instead of playing it super cool

and never telling anyone what you think

and feel about them, why not just say it?

“I noticed you from over there and I

had to come talk with you. You are

absolutely beautiful. What is your

name?”

I would say this kind of thing, with

all sincerity, and it was powerful. I

wasn’t doing it as a pickup line or a

tactic to get her into bed. I was

expressing love. And here’s why it was

so powerful—because I was not doing it

to get her to like me, I was simply saying

what I wanted to say. So, if she

responded positively, great! We could

now have an even more open and fun

conversation. But if she seemed a little

tense or nervous, that was okay too. I

would even sometimes comment on that

and ask her about it.

“Hi Tiffany, my name is Aziz… You

seem a little tense. Did my absolutely

beautiful comment freak you out a little

bit?” I might say with a disarming smile.

I was actually curious to find out how

she would respond.

Because there was nothing wrong

with what I did. Nothing wrong with

expressing my love. So often we recoil

and shrink back if our love is not met

with an immediate, highly positive

response. We instantly conclude that our

love is bad, and that we are bad and

undesirable. Inside we recoil, thinking

my love and attention is unwanted and

I am unlovable.

But this is completely false. It is a

horrible misinterpretation of what’s

actually happening. And when you stop

beating yourself up so much and start

being on your own side no matter what,

you can get more and more curious about

what is actually going on. What is really

happening here?

Is she scared? Is she afraid I might

want something from her? Is she

uncomfortable receiving compliments,

especially about her appearance? Is she

excited about me talking with her and

feeling nervous and not wanting to mess

it up?

Stop concluding that you know what

is happening inside of the minds of

others. Start expressing your love more

freely and let them have whatever

responses and reactions they will. When

you are having a great conversation with

someone you just met, tell them you’re

having a great time talking with them!

“This is awesome. I love talking

with you Ben, you are hilarious.”

Or, “Dude! I really enjoy talking

with you. We need to do more of this. I

want to be friends.”

People can spend their entire lives

avoiding saying anything like this. They

fear that it sounds desperate, is putting

the other person on the spot, or is

somehow “too much.”

Nope.

That’s just the work of stories, fear,

and your Safety Police trying to protect

you from consistently putting yourself

out there and maybe getting rejected. In

reality, that kind of honesty is bold, it’s

courageous, it’s loving, it’s powerful,

and it’s awesome.

And when you can do this sort of

thing regularly, people will become

powerfully drawn to you. They will feel

the ease you have with yourself, your

comfort with vulnerability, your courage

to be real and honest, and they will

connect with you instantly. No, not every

single person, but many people will.

And you don’t need every single person

in the world to like you - that’s an

impossible quest anyways.

Bring It On

Have you ever been to the ocean and

gone into the water where the waves are

crashing? As you walk out into the surf,

you have several choices. You can turn

your back each time a wave comes,

hunker down and protect your chest and

stomach. You might get a little less cold,

a little less wet. You could actually

slowly back your way out into the water,

keeping your back to the waves the

entire time. Slowly, carefully, safely

moving backward, toward the waves.

Or you could turn and face the ocean,

face the water, face the waves. You

could stand up tall and as a wave comes,

let it hit you square in the chest. Thump.

Here I am. It might even knock you back

a step or two. But there you are, upright,

tall, and strong. Looking out into the

water, seeing the vast expanse of the

ocean as it meets the bright sky. It’s

magical.

Which one sounds better to you?

Which one would you prefer?

We have the same choice when it

comes to feeling and expressing love in

this life. Do I want to walk facing

forward with my chest and stomach open

to the world? Able to feel, able to be

felt, able to connect, and able to be hit?

Or do I want to back my way through

life, hunkered down, protecting myself

from any sort of discomfort or pain in

my heart?

The irony of course is that if you

were facing backwards, even if the

wave doesn’t hit your chest directly, you

aren’t seeing where you are going. You

can’t even choose the destination you

want to head towards. And, funnier still,

you are actually more likely to get

knocked over because you can’t see the

waves coming toward you, so are less

able to protect yourself from their

influence.

So which will you choose?

I personally prefer to say, “Bring it

on.” Yes, I can get hurt. Shit, I will get

hurt. I will love the hell out of my cat

and then he’s going to die. I will love my

wife and sons so fully and so fiercely

that should anything happen to them I

will feel such heart-smashing pain that I

will barely be able to stand. I will

openly express my love to friends,

family, clients, and even people I just

met, even though it may not be fully

received. I will say what I’m really

thinking and feeling and reveal who I

really am, even if that shows flaws,

challenges, weaknesses, or vulnerability.

Especially because it shows those

things. And sometimes people will judge

me. I am going to share what I can with

as many people as I can reach and some

people will actively dislike me for it. I

will get hurt. Yes, all of this is true and

inevitable. And, bring it on.

Because what else am I going to do?

Eek my way through life, hiding from all

pain, suffocating my love, energy and

passion so no one dislikes me? I did that

for ten years and it was the most painful

decade of my life. No thank you, no

more. Bring all of it on—the excitement,

the unknown, the profound feelings of

joy and love, and the pain, heartache,

and grief.

Because there is no separating one

from the other. You feel love in the same

place in your body as you feel grief. If

you try not to feel pain or grief in your

heart, you will also not feel love. They

reside in the exact same location. And I

want a life of love, of excitement, of

passion, of joy, and of purpose. So bring

it the fuck on.

On Vulnerability

We all learned somewhere growing up

that we had to be a certain way to be

loved. Starting with our moms and dads,

we soon discovered there was a right

way to act, and a wrong way. As we

grow up, we learn that there’s actually a

right way to be: a right person to be.

And if we are that person (or at least

appear to be), then we’ll receive love

and approval.

This

person

usually

possesses

qualities like confidence, outspokenness,

and experiences no emotional problems

that they can’t handle completely on their

own. They are tough, have it all together,

are funny, charming, upbeat, intelligent,

kind, generous, and successful. Oh, and

they’re totally desirable and have lots of

sex.

Part of us drives us to be this way

and look this way to everyone, believing

it’s the only way to get and keep love.

No one’s going to love you if you are

nervous, or dealing with hard feelings,

or stingy. So don’t be that way, ever.

And certainly don’t ever show or tell

anyone that you are that way. Good

God! That would be a mess.

And so we go through life

maintaining our images, wearing our

masks. We beat ourselves heavily for not

living up to that ideal, with the belief

that criticizing, punishing, and berating

ourselves will drive us to improve and

finally obtain this image and become this

perfect person (it doesn’t, by the way).

And we expend a lot of energy and lose

countless hours of worry on whether we

appear good enough to others. Whether

we pulled off the image and they love us,

or whether they saw through the facade

and are secretly judging us as the

relationship approaches its inevitable

end. Because, after they see my

weakness and flaws, why on earth

would they still want to talk with me?

Have you ever seen the doors that

they used to have in old saloons in the

Wild West? The two wooden doors that

would swing open in the middle as you

pushed through, only to swing back to a

shut position once you’re inside? Each

of us has a pair of these doors in front of

our hearts (no not anatomically, it’s a

metaphor, man). And we are choosing

throughout the day whether to open those

doors or keep them shut.

When they are shut, this is like

keeping the mask of perfection on. We

don’t let anyone in. We don’t reveal

what’s really going on. How was my

weekend? Great. How am I doing? Fine.

No

problems,

everything’s

under

control. I’m perfect, remember?

The upside of this approach is that it

feels safer. I don’t have to reveal

anything messy or vulnerable that the

other person might judge me for. I don’t

have to risk them changing their opinion

of me or judging me. It’s easier and more

familiar.

And the downside? Well, what do

you think? What have you noticed is the

cost of keeping those doors closed?

In my experience the cost was real

connection.

Deep

relationships.

Powerful feelings of love and joy. All of

those goodies are blocked outside of the

saloon doors as well. It also feels

profoundly lonely in the saloon now

because we don’t let anyone fully in.

Even if people like us or love us, and

even if they tell us so, we still feel

lonely. The saloon doors are closed so

that positive energy can’t get in. On

some level we doubt their love - They

didn’t see the real me, they only know

my mask. And if they love the mask, this

doesn’t do much for us other than offer a

few minutes of satisfaction from looking

good and being admired.

What if you took the mask off

occasionally and started sharing more

openly, more honestly? How would your

relationships, and your life, be different?

Would you have more relationships? Or

would you be in a loving romantic

relationship?

Many years ago I discovered the link

between extraordinary confidence and

vulnerability. I saw that the more risks I

took to share myself, to face the deep

fear of not being enough, of shame, of

being exposed and not accepted, the

more powerful I would become.

Because all fear is the same. When you

approach fear and face it, you gain

power and it loses its power to hold you

back or stop you in any way. My life

philosophy was (and still is), “Do what

scares you in the service of something

greater.” And nothing scares me more

than being authentic, honest, vulnerable,

and real.

After doing this for years, I have

some bad news. It always feels

uncomfortable. Even though I’ve done it

thousands of times, in friendships, and

relationships, and in front of groups of

people. It’s always a little (or a lot)

grindy inside. Part of me resists and

freaks out. Don’t share this! Don’t say

that in front of those people! It makes

you look bad! They’ll think you’re

greedy, weak, pathetic, a fraud, a loser,

or bad in some way.

At first, these fears would be enough

to get me to keep it all hidden. But not

any more. Because I’ve seen the power

of

vulnerability.

I’ve

seen

my

friendships,

my

family

life,

my

relationship with my wife, and my

business all transform and flourish

through being more and more boldly

myself. More importantly, I’ve felt the

profound relief that happens when we

share ourselves vulnerably, right in the

face of that voice that tells us we’re

doomed if we do it. And then what

happens afterwards is magical. There’s

a sweaty, tense, awkward few minutes.

Sometimes difficult feelings or a

challenging discussion might arise. And

then comes relief. The deepest relief and

relaxation I’ve ever felt. All my organs

that were subtly holding tight without me

knowing it, let go. My nervous system

realizes it’s okay to be me and seems to

say, Whew! Thank God! as it relaxes and

lets go.

And then you can feel a sense of joy

and connection that is unparalleled.

Because there are no saloon doors

blocking your heart anymore, keeping all

the good stuff on the outside. You are

fully seen and known and loved for it.

Not just for your perfection, your image,

or your mask. But for who you really

are.

Deep down that is what you really

want. That’s what we all want. And the

only way to get there is to be vulnerable.

To take the risk of being more real with

others. You don’t necessarily have to do

this with everyone all the time, but strive

to be more vulnerable with some people,

some of the time. And the more you do

this, the more you will see that you are

profoundly lovable just as you are.

Taking the risks yourself will show you

this is true in a way that no words or

statements ever could.

Actually, “profoundly lovable” isn’t

quite accurate. In truth you are neither

lovable nor unlovable. You just are. You

exist. Is an oak tree lovable or

unlovable? The question doesn’t really

even make sense. It just is. Some people

will like the oak tree and others won’t

but either way it makes no difference to

the oak tree’s essential being. The oak

tree just lives there, doing its thing,

regardless of anyone’s feelings for it.

And the same is true for you.

So you can relax. You can let go.

What you were taught is not true. You

don’t need to be perfect in order to be

loved. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. If

you project perfection, people might be

intrigued by or drawn to you at first, but

they will soon get frustrated because you

don’t seem humanly flawed like they

know they are. But when they see your

struggles, your challenges, and your

weak points, others will instantly relate

to you. They will feel the same as you, a

sense of “we are in this together.” And

from that sense of togetherness and

familiarity comes deep love, connection,

and respect.

You are loved. Deeply loved. You

just have to let it in.

THE MOST IMPORTANT

PERSON TO LOVE

I considered ending this chapter with an

impassioned section on bringing it on. I

mean, I thought it was really good. I got

all fired up. I felt like a deep southern

preacher belting it out in the name of the

Lord. But as I was dabbing my forehead

with a handkerchief afterwards, I

realized there was one more thing to

share about love. And it might actually

be the most important thing of all: loving

yourself.

I became obsessed with this topic

many years ago when I realized that I

lived ninety percent of my life in a state

of self-loathing. It was so normal and

familiar to me that I actually didn’t even

realize that’s what I was doing. It was

just how things were. Until I began

reading

some

books

on

self-

improvement and I realized just how

horrible I was to myself in my own head.

That began a serious quest to find out

how to actually love myself. Books and

programs seemed helpful as I read or

listened to them, but I soon found that my

inner critic seemed more powerful than I

was. And when I went toe-to-toe with

him, he always won.

But I continued on my journey, and

through the help of countless books,

therapy, coaching, a men’s group and the

most loving wife in the world, I was

able to completely transform how I felt

about myself.

Now I reside in self-acceptance and

self-love about ninety percent of the

time. And I’m always curious about how

my inner critic devises more clever and

sneaky ways to attack me. When I am in

one of those states, I notice it

immediately and am able to quickly

work my way back to being on my own

side.

And this, above anything else, is

what makes life fun, exciting, and joyful.

Because when you are criticizing

yourself, attacking yourself, hating

yourself, and not loving yourself, life

sucks. It doesn’t matter what you have,

how much money you earn, or even if

someone else loves you deeply. If you

are not right with yourself, life is not

right.

So let’s help you get on your own

side, once and for all.

Self-Rejection

HOW BIG IS YOUR STRAW?

Each of us has incredible access to the

most valuable resource in the world.

This is incredible news. It’s not money,

or oil, or precious jewels. It’s love.

Love

is

the

primary

currency,

remember? It’s the thing that all humans

want beneath everything else, even if

they are going after all kinds of crazy

things that aren’t actually going to bring

love into their lives.

But what if I accumulated enough

money and oil and wore those precious

jewels? Wouldn’t that do it?

I’m afraid not. Love is what we

want. Love is what we really need. And

it is everywhere. In fact, pause for a

moment and reflect on this question.

Who loves me?

Who are the people in your life who

really love you? Friends, a boyfriend or

girlfriend, a husband or wife? How

about your parents, your children, your

grandparents, your aunts, uncles, and

cousins? And the people you work with,

and those in your community? What

about your dog or your cat? Those little

guys love people like nobody’s business.

There are a lot of people who love

you. In this very moment you are deeply

loved. You are swimming in an

abundance of love. The real question is,

how much of that love do you let in?

Each of us has a straw that

determines exactly how much love we

let in. Imagine an enormous cup filled

with your most favorite beverage of all

time. It could be filled with anything -

deliciously creamy, sweetened iced

coffee, Kombucha, or Mountain Dew

Code Red. Whatever it is you crave.

Now imagine you are incredibly

thirsty as well, and I mean parched.

You’ve been out working in the yard all

morning in the sun, or you’ve been

playing an hour of pickup basketball and

you forgot your water bottle at home.

And now, here you are, right in front of

this unlimited supply of your favorite

drink.

Then, instead of drinking directly

from the cup, you decide to use a straw.

Not just any straw, but one of those

super thin coffee stirring straws. You

know the ones I’m talking about? So tiny

and thin you can barely get anything

through them. And no, you can’t double

them up to be using two at once. Just that

one, single, thin, barely-get-any-of-the-

drink-I-really-want straw.

Frustrating, huh? It could also be

painful, disappointing, and discouraging

when we’re talking about drinking up

love instead of Mountain Dew. And it’s

all because we chose that shitty little

straw. In fact, we thought we had to. We

thought, that’s just how things are, how

I am, and how it is. But it’s not. And

you’re not.

You can choose to let in way more

love than you can imagine. And yes, it

feels better than you can imagine. And

the only thing you have to do is get rid of

that tiny, limiting straw and just start

picking up that cup and drinking big, full,

satisfying sips. Mmmm, diet Mountain

Dew soda…

What is the straw? Self-Rejection.

Why I Suck, A List

Right now you are limiting the amount of

love you let in by how much you reject

yourself on a daily basis. You are

determining how worthy of love you are

and how much love you deserve to

receive.

These guidelines are based on

nonsense

rules

you

picked

up

somewhere along the way. If I perform

well and win, then I’m worthy of love

and praise. But not too much love and

praise though. And if I lose, I’m shit.

And I’m not worthy of any love or

belonging. I’m a failure and a bad

person.

If you do satisfy the rules and you

are able to receive love, you have ways

of capping it when it feels like too much.

If someone comes up to you after the win

and says, “That was amazing. You did an

incredible job and I’m so impressed.”

You might let that praise in and you

might enjoy it. If it’s above the arbitrary

pre-approved limit for love, however,

you will deflect it.

Internally you might start to feel

incredibly squirrelly and uncomfortable,

itching to get away. You may dismiss

what they are saying in your head. Oh, it

wasn’t that great, they are just saying

that to be nice. This one’s a doozy

because it magically transforms this

person’s expression of appreciation and

love into some weird condescending

pity, which actually makes you feel less

loved. Crazy, huh? Crazy like a fox.

This is all on purpose. It’s all by

design. You might not have been fully

aware of this pattern until this very

moment, but it has been serving its

function for quite some time, to keep you

safe. And to keep those love levels

down because too much love equals too

much potential pain.

That’s why we go around rejecting

ourselves all the time. Have you ever

stopped to think about why you--and

everyone else--do this? We spend huge

portions of the day being dissatisfied

with and critical of ourselves. That

wasn’t good enough, I’ll mess that up,

I’m too awkward, I’m ugly, look at that

gross fat, these clothes don’t fit well,

they thought I sounded phony, I’m so

bad with money, I’m…

And on and on it goes. All day

everyday, like the terrible whirr of a

broken fan in an A.C. unit. Absorbing

your focus with a shitty list of why

you’re not good enough, why you suck.

All under the guise of self-improvement,

of course. I have to notice my flaws and

be hard on myself. It’s the only way I’ll

get better. (It’s not, and it will never

work by the way).

Or maybe you’re not even using the

weak pretense of, “I’m doing this to

make myself better.” You might just be

doing it. You might not even have a good

reason or know why you’re doing it. It

might just be a bad habit that you don’t

know how to control or stop.

This is how it was for me for years.

Virtually every single time I would look

in a mirror, I would notice something I

didn’t like about myself. I’d criticize my

face, my eyes, the blemishes on my skin.

If I was shirtless I’d criticize my body

shape, lack of muscles, or body fat.

Every single day, multiple times per day.

And that was just my appearance, not to

mention my clothes, the way I spoke,

how people responded to me, my dating

life, and my life in general. These were

all fair game, too, in the endless smack

down on Aziz. It was terrible. And I

thought I was terrible. And it was all

horse shit.

STOP THE MADNESS

AND

START

ACCEPTING YOURSELF NOW

How much time do you spend rejecting

yourself right now? Do you regularly

criticize yourself for falling short, for

not being how you “should” be, or

somehow not being enough?

Do you criticize yourself for not

being successful enough, confident

enough, popular enough, talented enough,

funny enough, thin enough, muscular

enough, or any other “enough?”

And how many times per day would

you guess you criticize yourself?

When I was training at Stanford

University with David Burns, one of the

leading Cognitive Therapists in the

world, he suggested I keep track for a

few days of exactly how many times I

criticized myself.

So I carried a simple 3x5 notecard in

my back pocket. Each time I criticized

myself, I would pull it out and make a

little hatch mark next to the date. It was a

little confusing at first. What should I

write down if I criticize myself eight

times in a row about the same thing? I

just decided to make a mark for each

critical thing I said to myself. So that

would get eight.

At the end of the first day I tallied

my numbers up. Whoa. It was high. In the

high sixties or low seventies. In one day.

And mind you this wasn’t some epic day

filled with life or death decisions and

challenging moments. This was an

ordinary, random Tuesday. And guess

what? I didn’t even catch them all on that

note card.

The next day I recorded again and

the number was even higher. This is

because I started to become more aware

and realized I was criticizing myself

without even knowing it. Just a shitty

habit firing off in the background all day

long.

It’s a powerful experiment and I

highly suggest trying it for a week. It

will rapidly boost your self-awareness

and help you start to interrupt the pattern

of self-attack. It is a great first step in

helping you stop the madness and start

accepting yourself now.

The next step is to decide here and

now that you are done with this

nonsense. You are done with this toxic,

unhelpful, life destroying habit. Like the

smoker who looks down at her last

cigarettes in disgust and decides, there

and then, never to smoke again. And she

does whatever it takes to break the

bonds of that nicotine monster’s hold on

her and from that day forward is a new

woman.

You can do that. Right now. You can

decide as you are reading this sentence

that you will no longer attack, criticize,

or reject yourself. Never again. No

matter what. I made that decision many

years ago, and my life completely

transformed as a result.

Does this mean you will never have

another self-critical thought again in

your life? Absolutely not, that’s absurd.

We can’t possibly control all the

thoughts that go through our wacky

brains. Have you ever tried? It’s crazy-

making. In fact, as soon as you make the

decision to be on your own side, your

critic might beef up his attacks to scare

you back into that place of fear and self-

doubt. Do not listen to him.

This is about making a claim. Putting

your stake in the ground and deciding

who you are and what kind of person

you want to be. From this place, when

you do notice self-attack happening, you

will respond to it very differently. You

will listen to it, examine it, get curious

about what’s going on and question it.

You’ll address it, heal it, calm it, solve

it. You are no longer its helpless victim,

subject to unending periods of self-hate

that you simply allow and tolerate

because you think you deserve it. Fuck

that. You don’t deserve it. No matter

what you did or did not do. It’s attack.

It’s verbal abuse. And it’s not helpful.

So take a stand. Decide right now to

change how you treat yourself. Instead of

constantly improving and not having any

flaws and only then being okay with

yourself, what if you just decided to

accept yourself right now, just as you

are. Still slightly overweight. Still

single. Still in a job you don’t love. Still

not earning the money you want to —and

know you can—earn. Still whatever. Try

accepting yourself right now, along with

all of those things. Stop saying no to

them and fighting them. It’s draining the

hell out of your energy supply and

limiting your resources to go after what

you want.

When I notice that I’m attacking

myself, I will call myself out. Usually it

starts with feeling frustrated, irritated, or

impatient. Maybe there’s a restlessness

or a sinking feeling in my chest. Maybe a

fear-- I gotta get more done now or else!

So I slow down, breathe, and I feel

my feelings. What’s really going on?

I’m hurting right now, this is a moment

of suffering. What am I saying to

myself? Sure enough, when I slow down

and pay attention, I can start to hear the

cries of the critic in my mind.

You’re a bad dad. You should be

with your kids more. You’re too

obsessed with your work.

Client X is not getting the results he

wants quickly enough. You suck as a

coach. You should be able to make him

take action. If you were better you’d

know exactly what to say.

That group call wasn’t good

enough. Everyone in the group doesn’t

like you. You suck.

Yep. My critic still throws this stuff

my way, despite being an amazing,

loving and super present father. Despite

helping thousands of people improve

their lives and getting overwhelming

amounts of appreciating and positive

feedback for my coaching, groups,

programs, etc.

Because it’s not about the content of

the insults. It’s not about what the critic

is actually saying. Beware of getting

hooked into that and trying to justify or

explain yourself to your critic, because it

will never be enough. You will never be

able to convince or satisfy him.

So instead, when I notice this

criticism happening I pause, and take a

deep breath in. Then, as I let it out, I say

out loud: “This is self-attack and is not

helpful. I do not criticize myself.”

Then, I work with it. I use one of the

dozens of techniques you’ve learned in

this book. I work with the subconscious

fears that the self-criticism is trying to

protect me from confronting. And

believe me, there are always fears

underneath. I look at the things that I’m

scared to do that my critic is trying to

distract me from, or tell me that are not

possible. Then I go do those things.

In this way, you end the madness.

You stop the rampant, endless, self-

hatred. Without taking this stand and

working through it, you will never be

free. Self-attack does not go away when

you reach a certain income or find a

spouse. It will never go away until you

learn to address it, face it, and dismantle

it.

If you would like a wealth of tools,

strategies, and exercises to completely

neutralize your inner critic once and for

all, I highly recommend you get a copy

of The Solution To Social Anxiety.

When you commit to being on your

own side no matter what, when you

focus on finding the fear in your body

and loving the hell out of it, when you

truly want to accept yourself now as you

are, then you will be free. Then you will

be able to receive and feel all of the

love that is already there.

You are deeply loved. You just have

to let it in.

Fiercely Loving Yourself

One night we were having a delicious

pizza dinner with several close friends

and my parents. We had just eaten

copious amounts of cheese, our brain’s

opioid receptors were satisfied and

everyone was feeling relaxed.

My wife had just had her birthday

earlier that week, and our friends were

asking her, “How old are you again?”

She paused for just a moment. I knew

she didn’t like to say her age, especially

with my parents there. She pulled a

quick maneuver to buy some time.

“What would you guess?” She said,

pausing for just a moment. Then she

continued, “What would be the perfect

age to keep turning each year? Thirty

seven?”

“Whatever age you are.” I said, in

all seriousness.

Because I believe we all have a

responsibility. A responsibility to see

through whatever toxic bullshit that we

learned from whatever culture we grew

up in. I don’t care where you are from,

your culture has some great qualities that

bring out the best in you and some toxic

nonsense that makes you hate yourself

for being human.

And this was one of the ones that

was coming up for my wife: Aging is

bad. Especially if you’re a woman. You

shouldn’t age. As you get older you get

ugly and undesirable. And it’s bad. And

love is now unsafe because you’re not

good enough to keep it anymore because

you have wrinkles, or your hair is

turning gray.

So what’s the underlying message?

Don’t age.

What the fuck is that all about?

But my wife is courageous and

honest like nobody’s business, so she

told them. “I just turned 43.”

And then, they asked me, because I

had a birthday coming up in a few

weeks. “Aziz, how old will you be

turning?” I had to pause for a moment to

remember because I generally don’t

even think about how old I am. It seemed

to matter a lot less once I turned 21.

“I’ll be turning 33.” I replied.

And I knew that one was a doozy for

my wife, too. Not only is she aging

(which is completely unacceptable,

remember?), now she’s with a man

who’s ten years younger. Oh heavens

that’s even worse!

Later that night we were lying in

bed, with our little dude asleep next to

us. She was freaking out. So much

anxiety, discomfort, and fear. Having

supercoach skills helps in situations like

this and I helped her get in touch with

her body and breath so she could calm

down. As she did, we explored what

was going on.

Sure enough, there was tons of fear

about aging - specifically a fear that she

would start looking “too old” and I

would want a younger woman. In other

words, she would lose my love.

Then there was the fear of what other

people might think. They must think it’s

weird for a man like me to be with a

woman ten years older, she thought. He’s

handsome and successful, he should pick

a younger woman. They will think she

must have tricked him into being with

her. He must have felt sorry for her.

I assured her these fears were crazy-

balls nonsense. Who is this “they”, and

who gives a fuck what anyone thinks

about us?

This is where we all have a

responsibility. It is our responsibility to

see through the toxic cultural demands

and resist them. To heal whatever needs

to be healed so we can be at peace with

aging, with going bald, with whatever is

natural, inevitable, and part of being a

real human.

Many people hate themselves for

aging.

They

perpetually

feel

disappointed in their appearance when

they look in a mirror. They spend their

entire lives resisting this inevitable

evolution of their body. They hide it, dye

it, treat it, surgery it, whatever it takes to

pretend like they aren’t getting older. All

because they have unconsciously bought

into the cultural demand to never age.

If you don’t question these demands,

you will suffer. Life will be more

painful and difficult. And you will feel

less joy and love. Your straw will get

narrower and narrower. Because these

demands result in shame - in you

thinking that you’re not good enough and

not worthy of love. And that’s bullshit.

Here are some of the most common

false beliefs from American culture,

many of which are shared around the

globe:

Aging is bad and makes you gross

and unattractive.

Money determines your worth. If you

earn a lot, you’re awesome. If you don’t,

then you’re not man (or woman) enough.

You are a loser.

You must be thin if you are a woman.

You must be muscular if you are a

man.

You must have a certain shape to

your face or body, you must have certain

facial features (and not others). You must

have blemish free skin and all of your

hair.

You must appear confident, strong,

and assertive and never anxious or

nervous, especially in front of a group. If

you are anxious it means you are weak

and there is something wrong with you.

Extroverted, outgoing people are

better than more quiet, introverted

people. You should be more loud and

talkative.

If you’re a man, you should not cry,

especially if others are around. Maybe if

someone you loved died you could cry,

but only once or twice, and only within a

few weeks of the loss.

Do you recognize these? Which ones

impact you the most? Are there other

ones that are more specific to you that

aren’t on this list? An essential part of

deeply loving yourself and others is

letting go of these toxic demands. They

are

completely

unrealistic,

and

completely inhuman. As in no human can

adhere to them.

Notice when you criticize yourself

based on one of these beliefs. Notice

how commonplace it is for people to

disparage themselves or others for not

following one of these guidelines. And

when you notice yourself using one of

these guidelines to criticize yourself,

don’t buy into it. When someone is

joking about how getting older makes

you gross, don’t play along. Speak up

and break free.

I was at a party a while back and

someone was talking about their

experience at a hot spring. He was

saying how there had been a lot of naked

people there, but “not the kind of bodies

you’d want to see.” After he said that,

others laughed knowingly. Haha, yeah,

ugly and old. Those are the bodies we

don’t want to see. Real human bodies?

No thank you. I only want to look at ultra

rare, super fit bodies, so I can continue

to hate myself for not looking like that.

I saw a moment to carry out my

mission of mass liberation, so I took it.

“What do you mean?” I asked in a casual

and curious tone. “What kind of

bodies?” He paused for a moment and

looked at me, hesitating. Perhaps he was

unsure of how to answer.

“Just not the kind of bodies you want

to look at, you know?” He said with a

smile.

“You mean like old bodies, or fat

people?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said with a laugh. At this

point he seemed a little uncomfortable.

Perhaps he didn’t want to look like a

judgmental jerk. But I didn’t see him that

way. I was just wanting to call attention

to how often we collectively buy into

this stuff without even pausing to think

about how it’s affecting us.

“I don’t know,” I said, taking an

inferior stance so as to not make him feel

judged. “I actually like seeing all kinds

of different bodies. It reminds me that

we all look so different and that there is

not one standard way to look.” This, then

actually lead to a fascinating discussion

with him and several others about body

image, society, and how we see

ourselves.

Seeing With The Eyes Of

Love

Several times per year I host live

weekend intensives. These are a chance

for people to come from all over the

world to rapidly break through any self-

doubt, social anxiety, or fear that stops

them from being the most powerful,

successful, and confident versions of

themselves they know they can be.

Part of the weekends is always to go

out into the real world and practice

getting outside of our comfort zones.

Because you know me, and you know

how I feel about action. During these

action periods, people can go out and

experiment with talking to others,

approaching attractive strangers, and

being more authentic and expressive

with anyone they wish.

During one of these weekends, I was

out with several of the participants,

helping guide them to being more

expressive, confident and free. One of

them became extremely anxious about

the idea of starting a conversation with a

woman who was sitting and eating lunch

in a Whole Foods cafeteria.

So, as any good coach would do, I

began to loudly and publicly shame him.

“What on earth is wrong with you? What

kind of pathetic excuse for a man do you

think you are??” Everyone in the entire

store stopped and stared, with their eyes

popping out and jaws hitting the floor.

I’m kidding. Actually, I encouraged

him to have a seat at one of the tables in

the dining area. I guided him to his

breath and his body. I did the exact same

techniques I described above when we

discussed how to deal with fear. As he

began to calm down, I spontaneously

came up with an exercise that I now call,

Seeing With The Eyes Of Love.

We were sitting near the checkout

area of the store and we could see many

of the employees who were checking

and bagging groceries. I asked him to

look over at a young man who was a

cashier in one of the lanes.

“As you sit here and breathe, just let

yourself look at him. Notice what he’s

wearing, how he’s moving, how he acts.

See if you can see beyond the surface

and actually feel what’s going on inside

him. What do you notice about him?

What do you sense?”

My client spent several minutes

looking at him, and then said, “I’m not

really sure. I notice he has curly hair and

that he smiles a lot at the customers.”

“Good,” I said, encouraging him as

he got out of his own head and into the

world around him. “Let me share a little

more about what I mean. When I look at

him, he strikes me as a guy who’s really

sincere. He wants the customers to feel

good, and probably wants them to like

him. He seems like he has a really big

heart and is really good at loving

people.”

“Yeah,” my client agreed. “I actually

see what you’re saying. I can see some

of those things too. Ok, I get it now.”

“What about that woman over

there?” I asked as I pointed to a young

woman with her middle-aged mother.

The young woman was probably about

twenty-five years old and significantly

overweight.

My client paused and looked at her

for several moments. “She seems kind of

shy and reserved. Maybe she’s been

judged a lot in her life for her weight. I

bet she criticizes herself a lot for that

too.”

I thought he was done, but after a

quick pause he continued, “She also

seems like she has a great sense of

humor. Like she could be really playful,

too.”

“Great,” I said. “What do you love

about her?”

Without hesitation he replied, “She

is strong. She is determined. She doesn’t

give up.”

We sat in silence for a few moments,

just breathing and noticing the people

around us. Then I asked, “How are you

feeling now?”

“Much calmer. I feel way more

comfortable and relaxed. I actually feel

love for these people.”

As I write this, I am actually tearing

up. This man had not felt love for

strangers in public his entire life. He had

only felt fear, criticism, and perceived

judgment.

Pain.

Now

something

powerful was happening. He was

shifting his perspective so he could

actually see people around him for what

they really were: complex, multi-

faceted, deep, beautiful creations with

hopes, challenges, desires, pains, and

dreams. They all just want to feel loved,

to feel happy, and to find a sense of

purpose and joy in this life. They are all

just doing the best they can with what

they’ve got.

What would your life be like if you

approached others with this awareness?

What would happen if you could see that

attractive stranger, or your intimidating

boss in this way? How would you

approach the world if you were seeing

through the eyes of love?

CHAPTER VIII:

______

ASKING

“I’ve never found anybody who didn’t

want to help me when I asked them for

help. Most people never ask, and that’s

what separates the people who do

things from the people who just dream

about them. You gotta act. And you

gotta be willing to fail. To crash a

burn.”

- Steve Jobs

I swallowed hard. My throat was a little

dry and the sun was beating down on my

forehead. I had my thumb out as cars

drove by. This was the first time I’d ever

hitchhiked.

It wasn’t too far of a journey. I just

needed to get from one side of the

Columbia River to the other. It was a

vehicle-only bridge and I was on foot in

Hood River, Oregon. No problem! I’d

thought earlier. I’ll just hitchhike across

the river. Who wouldn’t want to give me

a ride? It’s like a three-minute drive.

After about the 40th car that drove

by, I started to question that assumption.

Really? No one wants to pick me up?

I’m a clean-cut, responsible looking guy.

Are they scared? Indifferent?

I was surprised by the discomfort

that arose as I stood there, getting

ignored by car after car. I had no idea

that hitchhiking could feel like getting

rejected dozens of times. I noticed my

mind starting to react as if I were being

judged by the drivers of each of the cars

that passed.

“Hey, look at that guy standing there

with no car, wanting a ride. Yeah, him.

What a loser. I don’t like him.”

As I saw these stories forming in my

mind, I smiled. What a great opportunity

to bust through a fear I didn’t even know

I had! I kept at it, and eventually

someone did stop to grab me. It took

probably sixty cars driving by before

one finally stopped.

Later that day I had to get back

across the bridge. I wasn’t looking

forward to the process given my low

success rate before. I knew there had to

be a better way to do this. And then it hit

me - just ask.

Hitchhiking is not asking. Well, it

kind of is, in the most passive, easily

ignorable kind of way. It’s like asking

for a raise via email. It’s weak and often

unsuccessful.

In all areas of life, boldness is

rewarded, and cowardice is punished,

or at best, ignored. So I decided to ask.

This time, I stood on the sidewalk across

from where cars were lining up to make

a left turn onto the bridge. The drivers

were sitting there in their cars and

couldn’t go anywhere. Most of them had

their windows down because it was a

hot day.

“Excuse me!” I said in a loud voice

to the first car in the line. There was an

empty lane in between me and the cars

waiting to turn, so I had to make sure

they could clearly hear me. The driver

was a slightly overweight woman in her

thirties. “Can I have a ride across the

bridge?”

“No,

sorry,”

she

replied

apologetically.

“Really? I’m safe, I promise!” I said

with my biggest, most charming smile.

“No, sorry,” she repeated, looking

moderately uncomfortable.

Well, no need to push the issue. I

went to the next car and asked them.

“Sorry man, we have two car seats

in the back. Otherwise we would.”

“No worries, I totally understand.” I

replied. Which is true. We currently

have two car seats in the back of my

wife’s car. I wouldn’t want some dude

back there either.

0 for 2.

I got to the third car. They’ve seen

me ask the last two cars. They know it’s

coming.

I ask.

The guy nods and in I go.

Three tries. That’s it. Versus sixty

tries earlier that day. This, my friend, is

the power of asking for what you want.

Asking boldly, directly, repeatedly. Do

this, and you will get everything you

want out of life and more.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU

WANT

It might seem obvious, but it’s worth

saying: when you ask for what you want,

you’re more likely to get it than if you

don’t ask.

Let’s say you wanted to go on a date

with a lovely lady who works down the

hall from you. You see her exactly twice

per day. Once in the coffee shop on the

bottom floor when you’re both getting

your morning fix (totally coincidentally

of course, it’s not like you time it that

way). And once in the evening on the

elevator ride down to the bottom floor.

Also a completely random, chance

occurrence.

She’s a real beauty. Gorgeous long

brown hair and bright skin. You know

she’s intelligent because of the work she

does. And her smile and eyes tell you

she has a big, kind, loving heart. She

would be a fantastic woman to ask out.

Now, imagine it’s one month from

now, and you still have not asked her

out. What is the likelihood that you’ve

been on one (or several) dates?

Zero percent.

Ok, maybe three percent. Maybe you

are such a tall, dark and handsome stud

that she actually walks up to you one day

and asks you out. Or maybe she just

happens to be a friend of a friend and

they set you up on a blind date. You

never know, so we’ll give it an outside

chance.

If you’re reading this and thinking,

geez, I have a three percent chance and

I don’t have to take any risks or face

getting rejected. Those are pretty good

odds! then you may need to revisit the

whole first half of this book.

Risk is good, remember? Boldness

in life is rewarded. Either in the

immediate short term, or in the long term

by making you a stronger, more

confident, more powerful person.

And three percent is a generous

estimate, by the way. I spent years of my

life not asking for what I wanted out of

fear and the odds of getting dates (or

anything else) were much worse.

But let’s look at the flip side… If

you did take the risk to strike up a

conversation with her, and asked her out

this month, what is the likelihood you

would have one or more dates with her?

42.5%

Actually, I have no idea. How could

I? Who knows if she’s single or not? Are

you her type? How skillful are you at

initiating conversations and confidently

being yourself around people you find

attractive?

All these factors, and many more,

will determine your outcome. But I can

tell you this with absolute certainty: If

you ask her, your odds of getting what

you want are astronomically higher than

if you don’t ask her.

In any area of life, the more you ask,

the more you receive. Even if this nice

lady said no, if you asked seven other

women that month, what do you think the

odds of having a date would be?

That’s right, much higher. So what do

you want to ask for? Who do you want to

ask?

Sometimes (but only always), we

can have some sticking points or

discomfort around asking for what we

really want. We’ll help you clear those

out of the way in just a moment, but first

let’s actually explore for a moment the

places where you could be asking for

more, more effectively in your life.

Do you relate to the dating example

above? Do you want to ask more people

out on dates? Are you in a relationship

already? If so, what would you like to

ask your partner for? It could be

something small, or something big. It

could be for more of something, or less

of something.

What do you really want to ask him

or her? The thing that would be amazing

to receive but makes you a little squirmy

or vulnerable when you imagine actually

asking for it. What about in your social

life? If you wanted more friends, more

time with those friends, or more things to

do, who could you ask and what could

you ask them for? Who could you email,

call, or text right now?

How about in business and your

career? This is a big one. To accelerate

your growth in your career, become

more of a leader in your field, and

double your income, what would you

need to ask for? Who would you need to

ask it of? If you’re in sales, would you

need to ask more prospects for the sale?

Would you need to ask each person for

the sale more times during the

conversation? Would you need to ask for

bigger sales, bigger accounts, bigger

proposals,

and

ultimately

bigger

numbers?

Where are these people? How can

you find them? Better yet, who could you

ask to help you find them?

What could you ask of your co-

workers, team members, employees,

managers, or bosses?

How are you doing right now?

Getting excited? Nervous?

Some people at this point start to

actually

feel

a

little

tense

or

uncomfortable. If that’s happening,

you’re in the right place. Even as I’m

writing this, I’m thinking about these

questions in my own life and I can feel a

hot burning sensation in my chest and a

slight squeeze in my stomach. Asking for

want we want can be scary!

And yet, we can blast right through

that fear and reach the other side, feeling

powerful,

effective,

supremely

confident, and grateful. We just have to

hack down the obstacles obscuring the

path to total boldness and confidence.

BLOCKS TO ASKING

FOR

WHAT YOU WANT

What stops you from asking for what you

want? Now that you created that list

above, why not simply pick up the

phone, or walk down to someone’s

office, or turn to your sweetie and just

ask? Using your newfound powers of

self-awareness,

what

have

you

discovered? What’s getting in the way?

In my experience, it’s the same stuff

that gets in the way of doing anything -

excuses, stories, and fear. Most people,

when they imagine asking for what they

really want - what they truly want deep

down - feel some form of fear. This fear

comes out of stories, beliefs, and other

things we were taught about asking. Such

as, whether asking itself is good or bad,

which ways of asking are acceptable and

which are unacceptable, bad, and wrong,

or what it means about you as a person if

you ask. And of course, how others will

see you for asking.

Fortunately, these are all just stories

and fear. And you know how to uncover

the truth, face your fear, and elevate your

level of confidence, power, and overall

badassery. You’ve done it before, and

healing up our shit about asking for stuff

is just another step in the process.

So let’s look at the beliefs and

stories that get in your way of asking.

Think of one thing you came up with

above that you would love to receive. If

you received it, your life would instantly

be so much better. Maybe it was getting

more dates with people you’re really

attracted to, closing more sales, or

getting a promotion.

Just pick the one that excites you the

most right now in this moment. Good.

Now, imagine asking for it. Imagine

asking those people out, or asking those

people to buy your product or service,

or asking your board or managers for

more money. Good. As you imagine this,

how do you feel? Do you notice some

tension, discomfort, or angst somewhere

in your body?

Take a moment and just breath and

notice those sensations. Feel the center

of the discomfort and send it acceptance.

Meet it with curiosity. You might even

feel some positive anticipation, knowing

that you are about to uncover and heal

something that will greatly liberate you

in your life.

As you notice the fear, worry, or

discomfort, ask yourself these questions:

What fears do I have about asking?

What am I worried will happen? Take

five minutes and write a list down.

Anything you can think of that might be

contributing to that discomfort in your

body, or that worry in your mind. Go

ahead and do that now and I’ll see you in

five minutes.

So what did you come up with?

What are the main fears you have about

boldly asking for what you want? What

is your top fear? The one that stops you

the most frequently? For most people,

the number one fear of asking is that they

will receive a “no.” It’s rejection.

Then there’s a flurry of other fears

that orbit around that major one. Fears

about how the other person will

respond:

I’m bothering them.

They’ll be upset or offended.

They won’t like me for asking.

They’ll think I’m greedy.

They’ll think I’m pushy.

They’ll think I’m desperate and

needy.

Underneath those specific fears are

more general fears about the act of

asking itself. These fears involve what

kind of person you are for asking, and

what is right and wrong. Some of these

include:

Asking is bad.

It’s wrong to ask.

Asking is demanding.

Asking is being a jerk.

Many of these are subconscious. You

might not walk around literally saying

these phrases to yourself, but you know

they are there when you just feel rotten

after asking for something, or about even

the idea of asking. This can bring up

tremendous amounts of embarrassment

or shame. It can also lead us to try to get

what we want in much less skillful ways

because we think that asking directly is

off limits.

For example, I like to receive

attention from my wife. I like it when

she’s interested in what I’m saying and

asking me questions about it. She’s smart

and funny and curious and sweet and

gorgeous, so it’s pretty much awesome. I

used to get as much attention as I

wanted, all the time.

Now we have two small children

who are both under three years old. It’s a

mad house. Chaos. They need mom’s

attention like nobody’s business. And

sometimes the well is dry. She’s sleep

deprived and tapped out. So I start

sharing something, which is no doubt

fascinating, and I’m met with silence and

a blank stare. Ugh.

My adult brain knows what’s going

on. She’s giving a ton right now and

doesn’t have the capacity to pay as much

attention to me. It makes sense. My child

brain is outraged. What?? Don’t

respond to me in the way that I like?

Do you know who I am?

It turns out asking for attention

directly is one of the most difficult things

I’ve come across in our relationship.

Actually, what I really want sometimes

is attention and then acknowledgement

or praise. Asking for that is even more

cringe-worthy. My mind tells me it

makes me sound immature, needy, and

pathetic.

For a while this was all happening

beneath my conscious awareness, so all

I felt was irritated and upset. God,

Candace is so annoying right now. Her

responses suck. She’s annoying. She

doesn’t put her dishes away either and

I have to do everything around here.

One day, when I was throwing an

inner tantrum, I sat down and had a

conversation with this part of myself.

After we cleared the first layer of

superficial complaints, my inner self

kept repeating, she pays too much

attention to the house remodel. It’s all

she talks about.

Ahh, there we go. I asked him,

“What should she be paying attention

to?”

“Me!” Obviously.

Before I knew all this, I couldn’t ask

for it directly. I just felt hurt, ignored,

and full of blame. So my highly effective

strategy was to just act irritable and

pouty, sometimes making comments

about having to clean up the dishes.

Nice. When we can’t ask for what we

want, we carry out shitty strategies to try

to get what we want instead. As if my

being pouty is going to cause Candace to

say, “You know what? I’ve decided to

talk about the house less and just pay

attention to you my love.”

Remember the odds for getting what

you want without asking? Three percent

at best.

So once I discovered all this, I knew

what I had to do - ask! Now there are

two ways to ask for what you want.

Actually there are probably two

thousand ways, but for now I’m going to

mention two. You can ask skillfully or

unskillfully. We’ll discuss this more

later in this chapter, but for now all you

need to know is this: vulnerable and

authentic is skillful; demanding and

accusing is less so (but it’s a hell of a lot

easier and safer).

As I looked back over the last

months I realized I had occasionally

asked my wife for what I wanted. Well,

sort

of.

I

would

say,

“I

feel

unappreciated.” How’s that for vague?

Translation: You aren’t appreciating me

enough. You should appreciate me more.

That’s pretty indirect, and a little on the

demanding/accusing side. Of course, she

would feel hurt and want to point out the

half dozen ways she had appreciated me

that week. It’s easy to tell if you asked

skillfully or not. If shit breaks down into

an argument or completely missing the

mark, then you probably asked in a less

than optimal way.

So, I decided to try a different

approach. I was just honest and

vulnerable. I told her how much I loved

receiving her attention and that I really

missed getting all of it. I also told her

how much I love it when she

acknowledges and praises me. I even

told her about how I feel really

uncomfortable about asking directly

because part of me judges it as weak and

needy.

That was much more skillful.

Uncomfortable as shit, and super

vulnerable, but highly effective. How do

you think she responded? By telling me

to “man up and grow pair.” No, I’m

kidding. She was extremely sweet and

loving. She didn’t feel accused at all

(because I was no longer accusing her).

She spontaneously wanted to share

things she appreciated about me

(because I was no longer demanding it).

Our beliefs about asking for what we

want can be submerged in shame. I think

this shame accumulates from all the

times we said what we wanted as kids

and were met with disapproval,

frustration, anger, and the message, “Shut

up, you’re bad.” Somewhere in our

nervous systems, we’ve stored all the

pain of these responses. And we try to

avoid that pain by avoiding admitting

what we really want and asking for it

directly. Instead, we stay locked in

stories about our spouses, our jobs, our

bosses, and every other aspect of life.

We focus on what they won’t give us,

and what is wrong with him or her.

Blaming feels so much safer.

So many people live with this

philosophy: I shouldn’t need to ask for

what I want. If my partner really loved

me, he’d do the thing I want him to do.

If he hasn’t done it yet (without me

asking), it means he doesn’t want to.

And besides, if I ask him and he does it,

it won’t mean as much because I had to

ask him.

Sound familiar?

As Walter from The Big Lebowski

would say, “You’re entering a world of

pain.” As righteous and seemingly

airtight as this philosophy is, it brings

nothing but pain to your life. It is also a

tough exterior hiding cowardice: utter

fear of the vulnerability of asking. If you

are living this right now, it’s time to

break free.

It’s okay to ask for what you want.

There’s nothing wrong for wanting things

that someone else hasn’t given you yet.

You’re not bad, and neither are they. All

you need to do is ask. And if you can ask

boldly, even better.

BOLD REQUESTS

Your life is shaped by the decisions you

make on a daily basis. Sometimes the

small decisions steer the way, like

choosing what to eat for dinner or where

to go on vacation. Sometimes the entire

course of your life changes in a moment

when you make a big decision - to move,

to get married, to break up, to go all in

on a business venture.

Requests have a similar impact on

your life. What you ask for each day

determines the quality of your life. And

the big requests, the bold requests,

create opportunities and successes that

may have always seemed impossible.

Almost every highly successful person

has at least one story of making that bold

request. And usually they have many

more than one.

Apple co-founder Steve Jobs tells a

story about how he wanted to build a

frequency counter when he was twelve

years old. As an eighth grader with no

equipment he needed some help. So he

picked up the Palo Alto phone book and

found the number for Bill Hewlett, the

CEO of Hewlett-Packard.

Steve chatted on the phone with Mr.

Hewlett for twenty minutes, who

decided to give Steve the parts and

offered him a summer job at HP. When

asked about this experience, Steve Jobs

said, “Most people don’t get those

experiences because they never ask.

Sometimes that’s what separates the

people who do things from the people

who just dream about them.”

Anthony Robbins, the self-help stud,

and founder of the church of the

entrepreneur, was known for similar

wacky levels of boldness as a kid. He

loved playing baseball and had a vision

of being a professional athlete. But by

the ninth grade it was clear that this was

not his path. So he decided to be a sports

journalist instead. Instead of writing

about his high school teams, though, he

sought out sports celebrities who were

in town. He called them and asked for

interviews, landing one with Howard

Cosell, a famous sports journalist at the

time. Tony recorded the interview and

was able to get a job writing for the

sports section of his local city

newspaper as a result. At fifteen years

old he did this. Wow.

When I heard stories like these years

ago, my first reaction was, What the

fuck? Who thinks to do this stuff when

they’re twelve or fourteen years old? I

wish I’d been that badass as a kid.

Instead I was hunched over a table

playing Magic, The Gathering, and

praying I would draw a red manna

before I died in two turns.

My next question was, Am I doing

that now? Am I asking for big things?

What would that look like if I did? What

would my bold, outlandish requests be?

What would your outlandish requests

be?

We are so usually heavily self-

policed, so polite, and so fearful of

being inappropriate, that we just assume

that everything we want is out of line

and out of reach. But the people who

don’t buy into that assumption are the

ones who profoundly impact the world.

Thank you Steve and Tony for being

ballsy mofos. I know my life is better as

a result. And so are millions of others.

Of course, not all requests are equal.

Some are small and easy, while others

are big, scary, and bold. Let’s look at the

different levels of requests we can make,

and how to use these to open doors,

break through limitations, and create

amazing lives.

BOLDNESS-O-METER

There are four levels of boldness in our

requests. The lowest level is when we

just don’t make any requests. We’re

scared to ask for anything and we live

under the thumb of our fear, so we just

remain static. We take what life gives us,

and then we complain about it. We don’t

even think to ask because it’s wrong,

they’ll say no, it won’t work out anyway,

and so on. This kind of life is safe,

stagnant, repetitive, gray.

The second level of boldness

involves making some requests, but only

when you are entirely certain things are

going to go your way. You ask that

person out after their friend told you that

they think you’re cute. You apply for the

new position only when you are one

hundred percent positive that you’ll get

it. This level of boldness gets better

results than Level 1, but not by much.

Besides, how often are things in life

totally certain? Can you really wait for

that perfect confluence of circumstances

to do what you want?

The third level of boldness is when

you start to come alive. It’s when your

power, energy, and vitality get activated.

It’s where you discover your purpose

and sense of meaning in this world. It’s

where you make requests even when you

have no idea what the outcome will be.

There is risk in this, and that’s how you

know it is the right choice. You have no

idea if someone will say yes or no or

storm away in a huff. They might not like

the request, resent you, or even find it

offensive. Or they may not care one way

or the other. At this level of boldness

you are exposed to a lot more rejection

and a lot more “nos.” You also get what

you want at an incredibly accelerated

rate, more than the vast majority of

people. Why? Because you’re in the top

ten percent; you’re asking when others

won’t.

The fourth level is the icing on the

cake. If you spend most of your time

regularly making Level 3 bold requests,

your life will be awesome. But when

you make the Level 4 requests, your life

gains a quality of magic and wonder to

it. This is when we make our boldest

requests even though every part of our

being is telling us they won’t work out.

This is the long shot, the stretch, the

dream. The thing we just have to go for,

even though it probably won’t happen

anyways. The vast majority of the time

your predictions are accurate, and you

don’t

get

what

you

want.

But

sometimes… Sometimes they hit…

When I first met Candace, she was

married and owned a gorgeous home in

the forest outside of downtown Portland.

She had a successful career, a thriving

social life, and what looked to be a great

marriage. After my first extended

conversation with her, which lasted two

hours, I was in love. I remember coming

home to tell my housemate, “I met the

most

incredible

woman!

She’s

everything I could want. I’m in love!”

My housemate, who’d seen me

bumble my way through several failed

relationships, was ecstatic. “Yay!” she

exclaimed, throwing her arms above her

head.

“But she’s married,” I said, slumping

my shoulders.

“No!”

she

said

with

equal

enthusiasm, slowly lowering her arms.

Since it was a Level 4 long shot, and

I wasn’t too eager to break up a

marriage, I decided to let it go.

Fortunately, I saw her regularly because

she

taught

personal

development

workshops that I attended. I kept some

distance, but my love for her continued

to grow. She was kind, sweet, and funny.

She

was

extremely

skilled

at

communication and highly self-aware.

And my lord was she sexy. Torture.

It got so uncomfortable, I decided to

take a break from being near her. I took

about two months off, during which time

I didn’t show up to any workshops or

evening events she led. I buried myself

in studying for my board exams. I tried

to forget about her. But as soon as I

finished the exams, I couldn’t help but

think of her again. And again, and again.

I decided to take action.

At the next workshop she facilitated,

a workshop about being fully authentic

and honest, ironically enough, I was

encouraged by several participants to

reveal how I felt. How utterly terrifying.

What terrible advice. I was convinced

that if I revealed my web of infatuated

feelings

that

Candace

would

be

repulsed, and her husband would find

me and punch me in the stomach. From

there things wouldn’t go well. After all,

I’d only been in one fight in my life. It

was in the fourth grade against a kid

named Marius, and I resorted to

scratching at his eyes.

But, fuck it, I thought, I’m going to

die anyways, so I might as well go after

what I want. So I told her. I told her

everything. Well, mostly everything. I

told her I felt uncomfortable around her

because I wanted her so much. I told her

I thought she was the most caring,

loving, kind person I’d ever met. I told

her she was hilarious and I’d never met

a woman who could make me laugh so

much. I told her she had a hot ass. (Yes, I

went there.)

And then I sat back, bracing myself

for

the

inevitable

rejection

and

subsequent gut punch from the husband.

But that never happened. Funny how

our minds can predict something with

such certainty, and still be completely

wrong. She seemed genuinely moved by

my passionate expression. She seemed

intrigued. She seemed drawn towards

me.

Behind

the

scenes

in

her

relationship, she had been struggling for

quite some time to make things better

with her husband and she was fed up.

She was ready for a big change.

Who knows what will happen when

you go after that long shot? This is a

success story, and I never would have

the amazing relationship I have now

without my Level 4 boldness. Sure most

of the time, you won’t get what you

request, but you’ll be no worse off for

trying. In fact, the act of trying and

failing actually strengthens you. It builds

your resilience, your courage, and your

power. It transforms your identity from

the person who plays it safe on the

sidelines to someone who’s in the arena,

fully alive in the adventure of life. So, in

truth this type of boldness is always a

win, even if we don’t immediately get

what we want.

Now let’s take a moment to look at

your life. What are some Level 3

boldness requests you could make in

your life? When you think of your work,

what would it be? What bold request

could you make to advance your career,

expand

your

opportunities,

and

accelerate your growth (and possibly

your income)? What about in your

personal life? Your romantic life? Who

would you approach? How would you

interact with others? What kinds of

requests could you make?

And what about the Level 4

requests? What could those be for you?

Think big, think outlandish, think

unreasonable.

What

is

the

most

absolutely amazing thing that could

happen? The one that would blow your

mind and have you shake your head in

wonder each time you thought about it.

That one. That’s the one to go for.

When your center of gravity is at

Level 3, your life will flourish. Your

confidence will continue to grow

because making those requests builds

that confidence. You will stand out to

others because of your boldness and

willingness to go after what you want.

And you will receive more than you

could ever imagine from the world

around you.

HOW TO ASK FOR

WHAT YOU WANT

I taught a few courses at a university

when I was fresh out of my graduate

school training. It was a great place for

me to get teaching experience and

overcome my fears about being in front

of a group for extended periods of time.

One exercise I would have the

students do was around interdependence.

I would write “dependent” on one side

of the board and draw a circle around it.

Then I’d ask them to shout out whatever

they associated with that word. Common

responses were these: weak, needy,

children,

incapable,

lazy,

slacker,

helpless, sick, old, and a host of other

mostly negative associations.

After that, I’d walk to the other side

of the big white board and write out the

word “independent” and circle it. As

they shouted out their associations to this

word, it often included things like:

strong, capable, attractive, leader, free,

intelligent, likable, and many other

generally positive terms.

Most of us, especially if we were

raised in Western culture and in the

United States, perceive independence as

desirable. Being dependent is seen as

weak and unattractive and so we strive

to not be that way in the least.

However, we are all extremely

dependent on so many things to survive.

We are dependent on farmers to grow

our food, truckers to deliver that food

daily, and our local stores to house it

and sell it to us. We are dependent on

water coming in through our faucet and

all the people that make that possible.

We are dependent on our garbage and

sewage services.

This last week the furnace broke in

the house we live in. It was below

freezing outside and the house got cold

pretty quickly. We are dependent on

people who make furnaces and people

who can repair them. We are highly

connected, highly supported, and highly

dependent upon so many other people.

To

pretend

we

are

“completely

independent,”–a rugged individual who

needs no one–is completely absurd. We

all need stuff and we all need each other.

In addition to all of the survival

necessities such as food and shelter, we

also need things from our connections

with others. Here is a brief list of the

things we need, but would rather not

admit to:

Love

It’s the primary human need.

Underneath most of our actions is a

drive to gain love or prevent the loss of

love. Romantic love, familial love, and

friendship are all forms of love we

crave, need, and want. When we’re

missing love in one of those areas, life

feels diminished in some way.

Attention

When my brother and I were kids

and we stayed at a hotel with a pool, it

was a big deal. In addition to swimming

races, Marco Polo, and the “who can

hold their breath underwater longest”

game, there was always lots of “Mom!

Watch me jump into the pool. Mom!

Watch this.”

We all want this kind of attention.

Watch me, notice me, see me doing what

I’m doing. This doesn’t go away once

we grow up, it just goes underground

and becomes more subtle. Even those

who hate being the center of attention

secretly want positive attention, they just

have so many self-judgments that the

experience of being noticed becomes

highly unpleasant.

Acknowledgement

We don’t just want attention, we also

want to be acknowledged. We want

people to see what we’re doing and

appreciate all we go through. We want to

be acknowledged for our efforts, our

attempts, and our service. We want to be

acknowledged for how hard we work,

how difficult something in our lives is,

and how good of a person we are.

Praise

We want to be approved of and

admired. We want people to tell us what

we’re doing well, and how awesome we

are. We want our strengths and our gifts

to be noticed and commented on. We

want our actions to be praised, as well

as our character.

Autonomy

We want a sense of freedom and

choice.

Especially

in

intimate

relationships, we want to be able to

sometimes do our own thing, say no to

what we don’t want, and be the one to

make the choice. We also want this

autonomy in our work life. We want to

be given free reign to do it our way, to

guide our own choices.

Touch

We all need touch, and lots of it.

Probably a lot more than you’re getting

now. Primates spend hours per day

grooming each other. Most humans are

starved for touch, and many people have

hang-ups and old wounds that make them

uncomfortable giving or receiving touch.

Underneath any learned discomfort,

there is a deep desire to touch and be

touched. This includes sexual touch, but

also cuddling, physical play, holding

hands, hugging, and a good old fashioned

pat on the back.

Help

This one often gets a bad rap

because it can easily be viewed as that

wretched dependence that we’re all

trying so hard to avoid. But we all need

it, more often than we admit. We need

help learning tasks at a new job, we

need help figuring out how to open that

file on our computer, we need help

getting into better physical shape, we

need help taking care of our two young

kids. We need tons of help, all the time.

Many people have a terrible

aversion to asking for help, and

receiving it. They fear it makes them

look weak, needy, and somehow

inadequate. They might also feel angry

and bolster their injured pride by

responding with, “How dare you take

pity on me! I don’t need your charity.”

This perception of help is extremely

limiting and often leads to problems in

professional and intimate relationships.

So we have all of these things we

need, but perceive as unacceptable,

shameful, or otherwise not ideal to

reveal. Best to keep them hidden and just

figure it out for myself. But “figuring it

out” really means, “How can I get what I

want without asking for it?” This

approach, which is what many people

do, is a mess. It leads to poor results and

all kinds of relationship drama. In order

to thrive in life, to live with

extraordinary confidence, you must get

over your fears about asking for what

you want. You must learn how to be

what

Dan

Wile

calls

“skillfully

dependent.”

7 WAYS TO SKILLFULLY

ASK FOR WHAT YOU

WANT

Not asking for what you want and

assuming others will read your mind and

give

it

to

you

doesn’t

work.

Withdrawing, giving them the silent

treatment, or angrily demanding it also

doesn’t work. In fact, most ways people

ask for things doesn’t work out so well

because they have so much shame about

asking in the first place that they have to

take all these wacky indirect routes.

The first step in skillfully asking for

what you want is to simply decide, right

now, that you give yourself permission

to ask for want you want. That it is ok. In

fact, it’s better than ok: it’s absolutely

essential. And that the more you do it,

the more people will respect you, and

the more you will regularly get what you

need from your relationships.

Here are seven ways to become

more skillful in asking for what you

want. Each is contrasted with its

opposite - the unskillful way of asking.

This will help you identify what you are

doing that is effective and what could

use improvement to get better results.

BOLD VERSUS TIMID

Regardless of the words you use,

your attitude, energy, and vocal tone

convey the majority of your message.

With asking, as in all things in life,

boldness is rewarded.

Think about a situation where you

are naturally bold. Perhaps it’s around a

certain friend; when the two of you get

together you’re quick to make jokes and

laugh, and there’s a lightness in your

step. Maybe it’s when you power up

your computer and sit down to play your

favorite game; you know you’re going to

crush your opponents because you’re

awesome. When you are feeling bold,

what are you like?

Most likely you speak louder, stand

taller, make longer eye contact, smile

and laugh more, speak your mind, and

don’t worry so much about what

responses you’ll receive. This is the

exact energy you want to bring to your

requests. Just put it out there boldly.

Don’t overthink it, question your

wording 50,000 times, or hesitate so

long that the moment passes and you

miss your opportunity. Just fucking say

it. Blurt it out so that you can’t go back

and you have to work with whatever

happens next.

This is very different from the timid

approach in which your voice hushes to

a whisper, your shoulders hunch, and

your eyes dart back and forth like an

anxious rabbit on amphetamines. You

approach the situation like you’re doing

something wrong, bracing for your

audience to dislike you and maybe even

lash out at you. This creates a confusing

and uncomfortable energy that people

often respond to by wanting to get away

from you. And if they want to get away,

they’re probably less likely to hear your

request and say yes, right?

So chuck the timid approach and be

bold. The only one who sees what

you’re doing as bad is you. Step up and

ask for what you want. The bolder, the

better.

DIRECT VERSUS INDIRECT

When you ask for what you want, it

is most skillful and effective to make

your request simple, clear, and direct. In

an attempt to minimize our fear and our

chance of rejection, we can sometimes

use way too many words when asking.

Explaining why you’re asking, sharing

why it’s okay for them to say no, and

giving way too long of a backstory are

all ways we water down our requests.

We do this because we still feel on some

level that asking for what we want is

bad or wrong and is going to create

upset. So we feel the need to justify why

we’re doing it. Stop it. You don’t need

to.

You just need to ask. Take a second

before the interaction to reflect on

exactly what you want. If you could

wave a magic wand and get your exact

wish granted, what would it be? How

could you ask for this in the least amount

of words possible? Is any backstory

necessary? Sometimes it is important to

explain, and that’s okay- just make sure

this is one of those times. Be sure it’s

consciously chosen and designed to be

more effective, instead of fear-based.

Let’s look at a few examples to make

this distinction very clear. Let’s say

you’re at a new job and you are figuring

out all your tasks. You’ve been there for

a few weeks now, and part of your mind

is telling you, “You should know this by

now.” But instead of being timid and

hiding in your office, you decide to be

bold and ask someone for the help you

need to excel in your new position.

So you go find Larry down the hall,

who is a whiz with the computer system.

Here’s what you might say if you were

taking the indirect approach.

“Hey Larry, when you have a minute

I have a question for you about the

computer system.”

So far so good. He says yes and

you’re ready to go.

“I was on a call with one of the New

York accounts I was assigned. They need

to update their priority status and

receive their items sooner. They seemed

pretty urgent about it. I tried to enter the

new shipment date and expedite their

order, but the system gave me an error

that said I wasn’t authorized to do that. I

know you showed me how to change

things in the system before, but I can’t

remember where the priority section is.

How do I do it?”

This is a very common style of

indirect asking. It’s so wordy and long,

and full of unnecessary information. Why

does he need to know all that? So he

sees that you have a legitimate reason to

ask for help, that you already tried

yourself so you’re not lazy, and that you

almost remembered so you’re pretty

smart?

Stop

all

the

impression

management! Just ask the dude the

question.

“I want to update the priority status

for an account’s order so they can get

their shipment sooner. Can you show me

how to do that?”

Bam. Simple. Clean. Fast and

effective. And Larry is much less bogged

down with confusing and irrelevant

information. The more direct you can be,

the more powerful your request, and the

more likely you are to get what you

want.

REQUESTING VERSUS DEMANDING

Most

people

struggling

with

confidence and social anxiety tend to

veer toward the more passive and “nice

guy” (or “nice girl”) end of the

spectrum. This means many years and

many relationships of not asking for

what you want. This leads to a slush

fund of pent up frustration and anger.

That’s why many nice people who tend

to want to be really good and polite and

perfect tend to have lots of physical pain

and health problems. Rage stuffed down

in the body.

So when we do finally ask for what

we want, sometimes we can have an

edge to our tone. We can unconsciously

think, I’ve compromised so many times

already, this time you will give me what

I want! We also have the assumption that

if we work up the courage to finally ask,

then we should be rewarded just for

asking. None of this is true or how it

really works, though.

The reality is, when we demand

something and have a tone of expectation

and our request is tainted with “You owe

this to me,” people often respond by not

wanting to give us the thing we want. It

just seems to be how humans work.

Instead, we want to realize that when

we ask for something we are making a

request. The other person has the right to

say no. In fact, it’s better they do if that’s

what they want to do. Because then we

can say no when we want to, and your

relationship is based on choice rather

than fear and obligation.

Keep in mind that just because you

ask, doesn’t mean you’ll receive. And if

you get a no, you can ask again or make

your case. If the answer is still no, keep

in mind you can always find other ways

to meet your needs, and that a no might

not be permanent.

GIVING VERSUS GETTING

With a chapter focused on asking for

what you want, it seems like the focus is

on getting. And that’s where many of us

are focused: on what we can get from

others. But the more focused on getting

we are, the less we typically receive.

In any relationship, whether it’s a

friendship, a sales relationship, or a

romantic connection, the more we can

give, the more we will receive in return.

This doesn’t mean we have to be the

martyr and selflessly give without ever

expressing our own desires and asking

for them to be met. It just means that if

we are focused on meeting the needs of

those close to us, they will be more

likely to do the same with us.

This is especially true and essential

to realize in an intimate relationship. If

you are keeping track and waiting

around to give only once your partner

has given enough to you first, then you

are probably going to suffer (or are

already) in your relationship. When we

are able to regularly meet the needs of

our partner, and become skilled at doing

so, we will receive so much more in

return. And, when you ask in those

circumstances, your partner often gives

more freely, because their tank is so full.

In any area of your life, two

extremely powerful questions you can

ask yourself regularly are these:

“What does this person need right

now?” and “How can I add value?”

These are so powerful because they

guide your mind to focus on what you

can give, rather than on what you can

get. As you do this more, you will find

that you receive more than you might

imagine.

ASSUME YES VERSUS ASSUME NO

While demanding and focusing

solely on what we can get aren’t very

skillful and don’t usually lead to what

you want, there are better alternatives. In

fact, here are two ways we can ask that

make our requests harder to refuse.

The first one is assuming we are

going to get a yes. An attitude of, “Of

course you’ll say yes. This is a

completely reasonable request.” With a

cheerful,

upbeat

attitude

of

collaboration, you ask for what you

want.

This is powerful and effective for

several reasons. First, your certainty and

comfort impacts the other person on a

subconscious level. It makes them more

comfortable with the whole process.

Additionally, many people are not sure

where they stand on many things. They

are frequently looking outside of

themselves for guidance, certainty, and

assurance of what the “right thing” to do

is. When you provide that relaxed

assurance, it makes it easy for them to

say yes.

Furthermore, when you assume a

yes, you are not bracing yourself for

rejection. When we assume the response

will be no, our body and face tighten up,

our voice becomes more constricted,

and what we might say and do is limited.

This fear and bracing make us less

dynamic, charismatic and magnetic to

others. When we let that fear go and just

assume most people will say yes, and

that if they say no it’s okay, our energy is

much more relaxed and open. This

allows our light to shine, and many more

people will happily extend a hand to

help you on your path.

ENTITLED VERSUS APOLOGETIC

The second subtle attitude shift that

increases your likelihood of getting a yes

when you ask for what you want is to be

slightly entitled.

Now I know I said earlier that

demanding often backfires, but this is a

different kind of entitled. This isn’t, “I’m

entitled to get what I want and you better

say yes to me.” This is more about being

entitled to make a request in the first

place.

This attitude is designed to remove

any hesitation or discomfort about

making the request. It’s the stance of, “Of

course I can ask for what I want. There’s

nothing wrong with asking. The worst

someone can do is say no.” As you

become more comfortable and entitled to

asking, you won’t have so much fear and

angst about it. This will reduce mixed

messages and make your requests

significantly more powerful.

The opposite attitude is one of

apology. In the example above about the

new job, many people would start their

request with, “Hey Larry. I’m so sorry to

bother you, but…” So apologetic. Why

are you so sorry? Why are you assuming

you’re bothering him? Hell, by saying it

now you are implanting the suggestion in

his mind that you are a bother. Why

assume that in the first place? Maybe

you’re fun to interact with. Maybe

you’re a refreshing break from his tasks

and he gets to feel a sense of

contribution and accomplishment after

helping you. He gets to feel smart.

Just leave the apology part out. You

are not doing anything bad by asking. We

have so much bad programming about

asking to let go of. Just start doing it.

You are entitled to ask for what you

want, in all your relationships, with all

people. Even if they get upset at first.

Don’t stop. Keep asking, and you will

gain more comfort, more confidence, and

your relationships will transform.

VULNERABLE VERSUS ARMORED

This one is big. It might be the most

important distinction of all when it

comes to asking skillfully, because the

skill of vulnerability is often the hardest

and most uncomfortable skill to learn.

It’s the one that most people avoid

because it’s messy, unclear, and feels so

damn, well, vulnerable.

But if you want to have a thriving,

life-long, passionate relationship with

your wife or husband, this skill is

essential. If you want to have deep

friendships and close connections with

family, you must face the discomfort. It’s

even essential if you want to excel in

business and become a leader in your

career. In any area of life, vulnerability

is going to be what gives us the edge.

To ask for the thing we really need

or want, that is usually a very vulnerable

place to be. The underlying needs are

generally tender, make you seem less

strong, and sometimes can be deemed

unacceptable. These are needs like all

the stuff we talked about earlier:

attention,

love,

praise,

touch,

acknowledgement. This kind of asking

requires that we reveal the vulnerable

fear or desire underneath, instead of just

showing the hard, upset or tough

exterior.

Most people make requests in an

armored fashion. They reveal little of

their underlying need or discomfort. Or

if they do reveal their challenges, they’re

hidden behind layers of sounding angry

or tough.

Armored Request: “You talk about

the house too much.”

Vulnerable Translation: “I miss your

attention. I want you to pay attention to

me.”

Armored: “You work too much.”

Translation: “I miss you so much. I

feel rejected when you focus on work,

and eventually I want to withdraw and

reject you, but I’m secretly hoping it will

make you come around and dote

affection on me.”

Armored: “We don’t need stuff like

that.”

Translation: “I’m worried about

money, and I also feel like I should be

able to provide and not have to worry

about money at all. When I fall short of

this I feel like a failure.”

Armored: “You just go on and on at

parties.”

Translation: “I feel shy at parties and

you are really outgoing. I feel jealous

and inferior, and embarrassed about how

nervous I get. I wish you wanted to

spend more time with me at the party so

I didn’t have to meet new people.”

What are you noticing about the

difference between being armored and

being vulnerable in your requests?

First off, armored requests often

don’t sound like asking at all. Instead

they appear as statements, observations,

or criticisms. The underlying strategy is:

You didn’t do what I wanted you to do,

so I’m going to criticize you and this

will make you do it the way I want next

time (without me having to ask).

Secondly, do you notice how short

the armored requests are? They reveal

almost nothing about the person speaking

them. Hence, the word “armored”. When

armored, we can attempt to fulfill the

goal of the Safety Police—to get what

we want, including safety and love—

without ever being vulnerable or

experiencing pain.

There is a huge industry built on this

premise, with people buying millions of

dollars worth of books and training

programs, teaching them how to “get the

girl into bed” or “get the guy to put the

ring on your finger” without having to be

real or vulnerable. Just follow this

system and script and you can stay in

control and get the result you want

without any risk of feeling pain. It’s not

real and it doesn’t actually create

healthy, lasting relationships, but it sure

does sell. Why? Because so many

people fear this kind of vulnerability.

But if we really want a life of

extraordinary confidence, with rewards

of deep friendship and connection,

passion and purpose, and a lifelong

relationship that keeps getting better,

then we must master the art of

vulnerability. Or at least get into the

waters of vulnerability and flail around.

You don’t have to be that good at it for it

to work incredibly well.

Notice

how

the

vulnerable

translations all revealed underlying

feelings. Feelings that might not make

you look great, like jealousy, anxiety, or

inferiority. These are the ones we find

most shameful or embarrassing and these

are the ones we want to keep hidden.

We fear that if we reveal them, the

other person will be completely turned

off by our weakness, our neediness.

They will see our imperfection and lose

interest in being our friend, or no longer

see us a lover or a desirable partner.

This, like all limiting beliefs, is

actually the exact opposite of the truth. In

reality, the more authentically and

vulnerably we can reveal our underlying

feelings, the more people are drawn to

us. They respect the courage and

confidence it takes to do something like

that. And they feel a deep sense of love

and connection with us because on some

level they feel all of those feelings at

times as well. They relate to your

humanity and feel moved by it.

YOU WON’T GET WHAT

YOU DON’T ASK FOR

This might seem pretty obvious, but we

often don’t operate as if it were true.

Instead, we hint, we wait, we hope, we

secretly get upset, we go quiet, we

withdraw, and we sometimes punish the

other person, hoping these approaches

will somehow get us what we want. But

they won’t. And they suck.

Amira, a client of mine, was

working with me to overcome decades

of unassertiveness, self-doubt, and low

confidence. As I helped her overcome

her fears and become more outspoken in

her work and with her friends, she grew

in confidence. However, interacting with

her mother was her biggest challenge:

the area where she found it most difficult

to be assertive. This is often the case.

Assertiveness with family, especially

parents, is often the top of the mountain,

and something we are always working to

become more skillful at.

She was telling me about a situation

in which she was driving with her

mother after a family dinner. Her mother

was going on and on about her worries

and concerns about each family member,

which was her pastime. Amira was

frustrated with the topic and preferred to

discuss other things, but she rarely

brought up things to talk about with her

mother.

“Why not?” I asked during one of our

phone sessions.

“Because

whenever

I

bring

something up, my mother criticizes me,

or tells me to do it differently, or

somehow makes me feel bad,” she

replied.

“I can see why you prefer to remain

quiet,” I said. Then I asked a question I

love to ask. Because we’re always so

focused on what we don’t like and what

we don’t want, we rarely stop to think

about the opposite. So I asked her,

“Amira, what do you want your mother

to do when you share something you’d

like to talk about?”

“Hmm,” she paused as she really

considered the question. “I want her to

support me. To be curious and ask me

questions. To listen to me and tell me

that I’m doing a good job instead of

pointing out all my mistakes.”

She couldn’t help but slip a little bit

of what she didn’t want in there, but that

was fine. There was a ton of good stuff

there.

“Great!” I said. “Could you ask her

for that?”

She laughed. “No! I could never do

that.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because

it

would

be

so

uncomfortable. And I don’t know if

she’d do it,” she replied immediately.

Over years of doing this work, I’ve

notice that people tend to answer faster

when we get closer to them doing

something they’ve never done before.

Their safety police kicks into a higher

gear and their answers become more

frantic, defended, or otherwise focused

on NOT doing the new and scary thing.

But I had an ace in my sleeve. Amira

had mentioned in a previous session that

her sister was much more assertive with

everyone, including their mother. So I

steered in that direction.

“How does your mother respond

when your sister brings things up? Does

she criticize her and tell her what she’s

doing wrong?”

“No,”

Amira

replied.

“She’s

different with my sister. Actually I asked

my sister about this once. She said that

mom does start by criticizing her, but my

sister doesn’t stop. Instead she tells mom

what she wants. She’ll say things like

‘tell me I’m doing ok,’ or ‘can you tell

me I’m a good person?’”

“Wow,” I exclaimed. “That sounds

pretty assertive. Does it work?”

“Yes, it does! I don’t know how she

does it. But my mother treats her

differently. She doesn’t even have to ask

as much now.”

“So she’s trained your mother on

how she wants to be treated,” I

observed. “Seems like you have a

proven road map of what could help you

get what you want.”

Then, of course, we uncovered

massive fear about asking her mother so

vulnerably. We explored the times in the

past when her mother couldn’t give her

what she wanted, and the pain and upset

she was holding onto because of those

times. As she healed these old wounds,

she became more willing to try

something new in the present. She was

willing to take a risk now and see what

actually happened when she asked her

mother for what she wanted.

Another example is from my own

life, where I use my strategy of trying to

get what I want by pouting and leaving

the room. It’s a tried and true strategy

and has a success rate of zero percent,

yet I still use it on occasion.

Just

recently,

my

wife

was

breastfeeding our second son in a

rocking chair in the living room. Our

older boy was asleep and I approached

her to talk about the departure of Calvin.

He was our family cat and we were

giving him to a dear friend, because he

was not thriving with two young children

in the house. It was difficult and painful,

but we eventually decided he would

enjoy his life more at my friend’s house.

So I was going to transfer him with all

his kitty stuff the next day.

I mentioned something to my wife

about the details of the transfer. She

nodded in agreement. I then said

something about it sucking and me

feeling sad about giving him away.

“He’s been my buddy for twelve years,”

I said, mournfully. She nodded again.

I felt a surge of pain and

uncomfortable feelings. Fine, I thought, I

guess I’ll just leave you and go deal

with this on my own. “Ok,” I said curtly.

“I’m going to bed.” I walked towards the

door, exuding as much pouting energy as

I could.

As I reached the door, I paused for a

moment. Because just that morning I’d

been writing this chapter on asking. It

would be ironic if I stormed out of the

room without asking anything. It’s a good

thing I’m writing this book for me. I

mean you. I mean us. So in that moment I

paused and thought, What do I want?

And what am I not asking for?

I turned around without thinking

much and walked back to Candace.

“Ok,” I started. “I was walking off in a

huff there but instead I thought I just

needed to ask for something,” I declared.

“Ok,” she said with a smile,

responding well to my honesty. “What

do you need?”

I wasn’t sure, so I took a few

guesses. “Maybe to hear about your

experience with Calvin, or hear empathy

about my mine.”

She responded sweetly. My beautiful

wife—tired beyond reason—began to

give even more. She described how

difficult it must feel to lose a friend of so

many years. I instantly felt a rush of

relief and love. Wow, asking for what

you want feels good.

You just have to do it. Realize it in

the moment if you can and just get it over

with. Fast. Usually the most direct,

authentic, and often vulnerable way of

asking is the best. It might feel the most

uncomfortable at first, but soon you

know good things will come after the

initial discomfort.

So go do it. You can start with the

best and most fun way to learn: a game.

THE NO GAME

“Can I get my bowl for free?” I asked

with a twinkle in my eye.

“Uhh, why?” responded the woman

behind the register. She had a puzzled

look on her face.

That’s as far as I’d planned. I had

nothing else lined up. So I said the first

thing that popped into my head.

“Because I’m so good looking?”

“Mmmm, no.” She said with a laugh.

“It was worth a shot,” I said as I

reached for my money clip (that’s right, I

use a money clip because I think I’m a

high roller).

It was worth a shot, wasn’t it? Why

not? Why not ask for what you want?

What happens when she says no?

Nothing. I just turn around and walk

away. Nothing bad whatsoever happens.

No one hits me. No one throws a drink

in my face. The only thing that could

happen is some uncomfortable feelings

in my solar plexus or chest. And those

are just created by believing the stories

in my mind.

It’s bad to ask.

That was rude.

I put her out.

Other people watching think I’m a

jerk.

I didn’t have a reason to do that.

I’m no good.

That last one is really interesting. It’s

just one of the default statements our

mind can spit out in response to getting

rejected. Even if we didn’t really want

the thing we were asking for. Even if we

didn’t really expect to get it. Even if we

didn’t really care. Still, there it is. That

critic is just sitting up there, lounging

around with his feet up on the desk,

reading the newspaper. He’s got his

shoes off, his tie loosened, and he’s

really enjoying some time off.

Then all of a sudden he hears you got

a “no” and he leaps up out of his chair.

What happened! What did I miss?

Someone said no? About what? It

doesn’t matter. You’re bad! You’re bad!

You’re bad!

Absurd, isn’t it? I’ll say. So here’s

what we do to break free. We collect

nos. Collect them all over the place. Ask

for shit all the time, everywhere you go.

Make a game of it with your friends

when you’re out on the town. Who can

get three nos first?

A little while back I was flying with

a friend to San Jose, California. I was

super thirsty before we took off, and I

had forgotten to purchase a bottle of

water at the airport before take off. As

soon as we sat down I flagged down one

of the flight attendants.

“I’m super thirsty, can I have some

water before we take off?”

Oooh, bold! No, that’s not the no

game. That’s a lame request. Of course

she’s going to say yes. The purpose of

the game is to ask for something you

think is going to get you a no.

Anyways, she says “Yes. I can get

you a can of water.” (That’s not a typo.

A can of water. Like a soda can but

instead of soda inside its water. Strange.

Have you ever seen that before? I’d

never seen one before or since.)

So I said, “Can I have six cans of

water?”

“No.” She quickly replied. Stone-

faced. Icy.

“Alright,” I said. “How about

three?”

There was a slightly long, slightly

awkward pause…

“Ok, I can do that.”

Oh shit, I was expecting her to say

no again. I didn’t actually want three

cans of water, but there you go. You just

might find you get more yeses than you

think.

Do you see the value of this game?

It’s something I often have participants at

my weekend intensives play. At a recent

event I was out with several participants

and we were playing the No Game near

a row of food carts. As often happens,

when we go out to play, one person out

of the group of four hits it hard and just

starts asking for nos. The other three

breathe a sigh of relief because

apparently he’s going to get all the nos

for them. Whew.

But that’s good. Watching someone is

valuable, because you see that nothing

bad happens (and that they get a “yes” a

surprising amount of the time), but it’s

not enough to set you free. You have to

do it yourself. A lot.

I pointed to a nearby food cart and

suggested one of the participants go to

the vendor and ask for a free soda. He

stared at me wide-eyed. Terror. Alright,

I decided to demonstrate. I walked over

to the Thai food cart and greeted the

woman at the window.

“Hi there, can I have a can of soda

for free?” I said in a warm, loud,

cheerful tone.

She stared at me wide-eyed.

Confused. Her husband came over from

the back of the cart. They spoke briefly

with each other in Thai in a hushed

whisper. After their exchange he also

seemed confused. I simply watched them

speaking, beaming positive energy with

a bright smile on my face.

When I play this game I like to try

my hardest to get a yes, even though I’m

ultimately going for a no. The harder I

try, the more uncomfortable I might get,

thus getting the most liberation out of the

game. Like squeezing every last drop out

of an orange when turning it into juice.

He turned to me and said, “What do

you want?”

“I want a free can of soda. My friend

said I could get a free can of soda

because I’m wearing a pink shirt,” I said

in a jovial tone.

He paused, staring at me. Then he

waved his hand in a gesture that I can

only assume means “What the fuck, I

don’t know, sure.” He gave the green

light and his lovely lady handed me an

ice cold soda. I strolled back to where

the participant was standing, sipping on

my silver can of victory. He seemed

shocked and amazed.

“They gave it to you? What did you

say?”

I gave him a play-by-play rundown

and he seemed inspired. He walked off

to go create some mischief and perhaps

get a “no” for himself.

As I stood there enjoying my soda

and watching some of the participants

interacting with strangers, a man

approached to ask me a question. He

was wearing filthy clothes, his hair was

disheveled, his eyes were bloodshot and

he was missing several teeth.

“Do you have any spare change? I’m

trying to get enough to get something to

eat.”

Bold. I like it. What level of request

was that? Probably a 3, right? He has no

idea how I will respond.

“How

about

I

just

get

you

something?” I offered.

“Wow, sure,” he said. He seemed

genuinely pleased.

I knew just the place. We walked

right back over to the Thai cart that had

generously parted with their soda just a

few moments earlier. The woman in the

window seemed surprised and genuinely

pleased to see me. Perhaps when we ask

boldly people aren’t offended and don’t

dislike

us.

Perhaps

we

become

memorable, intriguing, and a presence

that brightens their day.

I pointed to the menu of pictures on

the front of the food cart. “What would

you like?” I asked the man.

“Ummm…” He hesitated, seeming a

little uncomfortable. It’s sometimes hard

to ask for what we want, and sometimes

even harder to receive it. “How about

this one?” He pointed to a small

appetizer meal.

As I saw his discomfort in that

moment, I decided to create a new

experience for him. I don’t know how

long he’s been homeless, or anything

about his history, but I can imagine he’s

gotten a lot of rejections. People are

probably regularly upset with him for

asking. What if he is rewarded for what

he asks for?

I had a banner up in the course room

that read: THE WORLD IS A

FRIENDLY PLACE. I use it to help

remind all the participants that others are

not so harsh, judgmental, and quick to

criticize us as we think they are. What if

I could help this guy feel that the world

is a friendly place? Help him believe

that life will give him what he asks of it?

“Anything else?” I asked.

“Uhh, how about this one?” He

pointed to a full meal option.

“Great. Anything else?”

He paused. “Well, I would like to get

food for a friend. This is for two people.

It really is.”

“Sure, what else would you like?”

He chose two more items off the

menu. “Anything to drink?” I asked.

He chose a can of soda. We ordered

and I told the Thai woman to give the

food directly to him because I needed to

get moving.

Sometimes we get a no. And

sometimes life gives us more than we

ever asked for.

As I walked back towards the hotel

where we were holding the event, the

participant who watched me get the soda

jogged up beside me. In his hand was a

bright red can of Coke.

“How did you get that?” I asked him,

already knowing the answer.

He laughed. “They gave it to me at

the first cart I asked for it.”

This is the No Game.

I dare you to try it.

I bet you’ll be nervous before you do

it. Why? Because on some level we’re

all scared of rejection, scared of no. We

are also full of stories about why it’s

bad to ask, how harmful and hurtful it is

to those poor other people, how

inappropriate and impolite we’re being.

Bullshit. Assuming you’re not being

hyper-aggressive or intimidating people,

you’re just making a simple request. You

are doing it in quite a friendly and polite

manner. And they have the ability to say

no. You don’t need to care-take and

coddle people so much. They are strong,

they are powerful.

Underneath all those stories is fear.

And it will remain there until we

extinguish it. The only way to do that is

to run straight towards it until it vanishes

into

nothing.

Into

no

fear.

Into

fearlessness. If you and I were hanging

out, you could ask me to ask anyone

anything, and guess what? I’ll do it.

Anything.

And while getting a “no” for a silly

request or getting a free can of soda

might not seem that significant, the

impact in your life can be astronomical.

When you build this muscle of asking

and getting nos through this game, you

are conditioning yourself. You are in

training.

Then, when it comes to game time,

you are in much better shape to win. You

want to ask a prospective customer to

buy from you. You want to ask that

incredible and attractive stranger out for

a date. You want to ask your friend to

listen to you and help you with a

challenge in your life. This list could be

endless.

Every

day

we

have

opportunities to make bold requests, and

to reap the rewards in our lives. The

question is not “Will you ask?”, it’s

“how boldly and how often?”

CHAPTER IX:

______

POWER

As you begin to identify the excuses and

stories you used to tell yourself and see

through them, you will encounter the fear

that has always been lingering beneath

these stories. And when you face the fear

inside of yourself by feeling your

feelings, and face the fear outside of

yourself by taking action in the world,

you will start to experience the results of

doing so. These include feeling more

confident, being more relaxed about

money (and ultimately earning more),

enjoying more love, and feeling more

power. That’s right, power.

This whole chapter is all about just

that. Power is good. We want more of it,

and the more we have, the better we

feel. But there are some misconceptions

about power; some limiting and fearful

ideas that keep us from completely

accessing and enjoying our full personal

power. For many years you may have

been keeping your power away, stuffing

it down as far as it will go, into the

bottom of your socks, and mistakenly

seeing yourself as less powerful, or even

powerless.

Prepare to liberate yourself from

whatever is stopping you from having as

much power as you want. Prepare to

unleash the power to be who you want to

be in the world, the power to act how

you want to act, the power to say what

you want to say, and the power to do

what you’re really here to do!

You just might find that once you

have a taste of this, you’ll never want to

go back.

WHAT IS POWER?

When you hear the word power, who do

you think of? Presidents, political

leaders, CEOs, military generals, He-

Man, Judge Dredd? Many people think

of external power structures. They think

of others who strongly influence large

numbers of people. But that’s only one

kind of power and it’s not the one I’m

talking about.

I’m talking about personal power:

your ability to choose your own

direction, actions, and, ultimately, your

own destiny. This may involve impacting

or influencing others, but it’s not about

being officially elected or sanctioned to

do so by some social or political

structure. In fact, the power I’m talking

about here is the freedom to do what you

want, and the ability to make anything

you want to happen in your life and in

the world.

Do you want to pursue a certain

career, earn a certain income, or create a

certain business? Perhaps you want to

move to a new city, pursue a higher

degree, or find a new group of friends.

Power is what allows you to do any or

all of those things. And a lack of power

prevents you from getting off the ground,

or from continuing to see your vision

through.

Personal power is also about being

how you want to be in the world. This

includes saying what you want to say,

asking the questions you want to ask, and

choosing the way you interact with

others based on an internal compass.

This is in direct contrast to the low

power position of constantly looking to

others to determine whether or not you

are okay. Holding back, hesitating, and

determining what to say or do based

upon what you think others want is the

opposite of power. It’s submissive.

In my experience, living this way can

feel extremely confining, limiting, and

depressing. What is your experience

with power? How powerful do you feel,

both in this moment, and on a daily

basis? Where in your life do you feel

most powerful - at work, in your dating

life, in relationships? Where do you feel

least powerful? What situations do you

feel completely powerless in?

Take a moment to do a quick

personal power inventory. Be honest

with yourself. There’s no shame in not

having as much power as you would like

to have in one or more areas of your life.

In fact, being real about what’s actually

happening in your life is exactly what is

going to set you free. It in itself is an act

of power.

Now let’s help you release the

brakes and leap over any obstacles to

power in your path. Let’s see how we

can magnify your natural power,

freedom, and feelings of certainty so that

you can easily talk to anyone, speak up

for yourself, go after what you want, and

live from a place of extraordinary

confidence.

FEAR OF POWER

We are all aware of the power-hungry

dictators and despots lurking in the

annals of history. Their legacy has taught

us that people with great power can

become crazed and self-serving. As the

famous saying from 19th century baron,

Lord Acton, goes, “Power tends to

corrupt, and absolute power corrupts

absolutely.”

Every day we see another person on

T.V. striving for more political power, or

CEOs of large corporations maneuvering

to become CEOs of a different, slightly

larger corporations. As a result of this,

we can conclude that everyone wants

power and that everyone’s trying to get

more of it. But that’s actually not the

case.

The

average

person

feels

disempowered much of the time and is

actually afraid of power. Especially

their own personal power. And so,

while we want the glory and the perks

that can come from power, we often

avoid cultivating and building it because

we have an unconscious fear of our own

power.

What are these unconscious fears?

Well, you tell me. Imagine for a moment

that you had unlimited power. You could

create whatever you wanted, pursue any

career or business endeavor, and earn

any amount of money as a result. You

could walk over to anyone and say

anything

you

wanted.

You

could

challenge and disagree with whomever

you wanted, whenever you wanted. You

could feel a sense of raw energy,

strength, and physical power in your

body. Nobody could mess with you,

stand in your way, or keep you down.

As you imagine this, how do you

feel? Excited? Nervous? Uncertain? Not

much at all?

The excitement comes from sensing

the truth about your power, which we’ll

talk more about in a moment. The

nervousness or uncertainty comes from

fears about what it means to have power,

and how others would view you. And if

you’re not feeling much at all, you might

have settled into a powerless state for so

long that you won’t even allow yourself

to imagine that being powerful is a

realistic option for you. If so, that’s

okay. Like we’ve identified with other

new feelings so far in this book, these

negative sensations are just layers of

fear, excuses and stories getting in the

way. And all of those can be removed in

a heartbeat.

Here are some of the most common

fears I’ve come across when it comes to

personal power. I personally held many

of these around me as a cage that

prevented me from accessing more of my

full power. Perhaps you are doing this,

too:

10 Common Fears of

Power

•

If I am powerful and successful,

it is somehow taking from others

who are less so.

•

If I am my full powerful self, I

will be disliked, ridiculed, and

condemned.

•

If I boldly speak up and pursue

what I want, I’ll be persecuted

or killed.

•

Others will see my power as

arrogance and dislike me.

•

Others will feel jealous of me

and dislike me.

•

Power is oppressive. By being

powerful I am marginalizing and

oppressing others.

•

If I am powerful, people will

see me as power hungry or

greedy and dislike me.

•

If I am powerful, people will

see me as a threat and want to

fight me or keep me down.

•

If I am my full powerful self, I

won’t be able to work at my job

and they’ll fire me for being too

much.

•

Power is bad. Wanting power is

bad.

Which of these fears do you

recognize in yourself? Which ones do

you think are holding you back from

claiming and living with more power?

Are there any other fears you’ve noticed

that could be getting in the way, slowing

you down, or stopping you?

The most common ones all come

down to two major fears:

1. People will dislike me.

2. I’ll be hurting others somehow

(which makes me a bad person).

These are, of course, complete

hogwashery. Total nonsense. Distortions

and misperceptions of what power

actually is and who you’ll actually be

when you have more of it. But that’s

often what fear is, a misperception of the

future, one which spooks us out of

boldly moving towards it. And by often I

mean always.

FORGETTING OUR

POWER

“You are infinitely powerful.”

- Christian Mickelsen

Here’s the thing about fearing your

power and keeping it away. That strategy

doesn’t work. It can’t. Because power is

who you are. It is in you and it’s in what

you’re here to do. It is infused into your

cells and your breath and your

movements. Power is unavoidable. It’s

already inside of you right now.

Of course you can stall it out. You

can push it away and try to not make it

so. But whenever you do, alarm bells go

off in your head and heart. When you

aren’t pursuing what you really want–in

your career, your love life, or even just

interacting with people day to day–how

do you feel? Crappy. Disengaged.

Scared. Depressed.

And when you push away and deny

your power around others you feel even

worse. You spend all your mental energy

on pleasing others, currying favor, and

hoping they’ll like you. You worry

incessantly about what others think of

you, wondering if they’ll keep liking

you, and if you’re good enough for them.

You crave approval like a meth fiend

who hasn’t had a hit in three days. It’s

not pretty. And it’s not you.

Because you are infinitely powerful.

You, in your natural state, are completely

free to create and go after whatever you

want. You are free to say what you really

think and feel, no matter who you are

speaking to. Have you ever seen a little

kid speaking with someone? He doesn’t

care how powerful they are, or what

kind of shit they’re wearing. He’ll show

them his toy car collection and then tell

them not to touch his stuffed monkey

without feeling any fear of their

disapproval. That is power. And that is

your natural state.

We just forget this. We lose sight of

it. We believe the stories we hear from

people who have also forgotten this and

thus feel disempowered. And so they

disparage and criticize others who seem

more powerful than they are. They even

unwittingly criticize or attack the

freedom, confidence, and power present

in their own children.

You would be surprised how many

parents have a strong form of social

anxiety about how people view them

based on what their children do. Even as

an expert on social anxiety, I didn’t

realize this until I had kids. Then I

noticed that in some situations involving

my children, other parents’ reactions to

my kids could be awkward. Am I

supposed to control my kid here? Is he

doing something inappropriate that

bothers people?

I noticed that these situations gave

me a fear of others’ perception of me as

a parent, and a desire to make my kid

change, or at least say something out

loud to him so that other people see that

I’m a responsible parent. This is all

approval-seeking nonsense. I saw it in

myself immediately and decided I was

not going to do that. I’m not going to do

something based on what I imagine other

people want to see. Especially if that

involves criticizing my kid or teaching

him something limiting and fear-based.

As I looked around, I started seeing

this happen everywhere. Parents on

airplanes being supremely apologetic

because their nine-month-old infant was

crying. Dude, your baby is nine months

old. Of course he’s going to cry in a

pressurized metal tube flying through the

sky. If someone gets upset about that,

who’s issue is that?

Dozens of times I’ve had kids come

up and start interacting with me or with

my kids. Then the other parent runs over,

over-apologizes to me, and makes a

show of telling their kid to “stop

bothering them.” They do this without

even seeing what is actually happening: I

am engaged, everyone is enjoying

themselves, and no one is bothered at

all… until the moment I notice what that

other parent is doing, then I’m bothered

by the parent.

So parents teach their kids to have

low social power. Don’t bother others.

Be polite. And this instills the fear that

to be powerful, bold, outspoken and free

around others will bring on dislike,

disapproval, and a loss of love. It’s

terribly

limiting,

unconsciously

transmitted, and the complete opposite

of the truth. Because, in reality, the more

powerful, outspoken, bold, and authentic

you can be, the more others will like,

love, and adore you. The more powerful

you are, the more loved you are. It’s

funny how our fears are often the exact

opposite of what’s really true.

And this idea that you are somehow

taking others’ power or hurting them by

living powerfully yourself is also

completely false. It’s based on a

misconception of what power actually

is. When people see someone getting

their way by taking it at others’ expense,

they say, “look at what power does–it

hurts and corrupts.” But that’s not power,

that’s force. And it’s not being powerful,

it’s being scared.

Many people are forcing their

agenda all over the world. From the

brutal dictator to the physically abusive

husband, there are millions of examples

of people controlling others through fear,

intimidation, and force. This is not

power. It might get a certain result in the

short term, but it is harmful, highly toxic,

and founded on fear and desperation.

These behaviors do not result from

being

powerful.

These

types

of

antisocial actions are not the monster

that will come out of you when you stop

people-pleasing and hiding from your

power. In fact, that level of brutal force

and endless hunger for power we see in

the violence around us actually comes

from a deep insecurity of feeling totally

powerless, insignificant, and unlovable.

To escape these pains, an abusive person

overcompensates by controlling and

manipulating others.

So let that fear of being abusive go.

Any fears you have that you’ll be

perceived as forceful or manipulative

are just your Safety Police trying to keep

you in line and in the land of zero risk.

It’s time to shed these naive fears. It’s

time to stop acting powerless and

blaming forces outside of yourself. It’s

time to step up and claim the power

that’s always been inside of you.

SOCIAL POWER

Social power is perhaps the most

important form of power because all of

the things you want to experience or

create probably involve other humans.

Whether it’s a successful business, a

happy marriage, or a thriving social life,

it’s going to involve interacting with

other people. Hence no power is more

important than our social power.

Social power is the ability to be

your most powerful, bold, authentic self

in as many situations as you can. It

involves saying what you want to say,

asking the questions you really want to

ask, and spontaneously expressing

yourself without heavy filters or

inhibitions.

It includes being direct, clear, and

honest about what you want and don’t

want. It requires you to be able to

disagree, challenge, or otherwise speak

your mind as needed. It allows you to

speak to new people, powerful people,

and attractive people without feeling

less than or fearful about their

perception of you. It gives you the ability

to lead others, delegate tasks, and call

people out when they aren’t keeping

their agreements. Basically, having

social power means being a confident

badass. Now let’s help you get it.

Internal Verus External

Frame

In order to access your full social

power, you must make one fundamental

shift. This is from an external frame of

reference to an internal frame of

reference. Let me explain.

A frequent claim many of my clients

make is this: “I’m not good at telling

stories or talking to people. I’m boring.”

At which point I say, “great!” which

always confuses them. I’m mainly doing

it to break the self-hypnosis of the story

they’re telling themselves. They’ve told

themselves this story so many times it

becomes a hypnotic trance and feels

absolutely and undeniably true.

“How do you know you’re boring?”

I continue. “Is there a specific piece of

evidence you can tell me about?”

“No one seems interested when I’m

talking.”

Well, that’s not very specific. So I’ll

probe deeper, “Can you remember a

specific instance where this happened?”

Sometimes they can, and sometimes

they can’t. The actual evidence may be

lost in the data files. All they’re left with

is an idea about themselves. A big fat

abstract concept. A word. One that is

completely

demoralizing

yet

feels

absolutely true.

But when a specific moment can be

recalled, it often goes something like

this: “I was speaking with some

colleagues last Monday and one of them

asked how my weekend was. As I was

telling him, he seemed disinterested and

impatient.”

“So because he seemed disinterested

and impatient, that means you are a

boring person?” I ask.

“Yes. Yes it does.”

This is a perfect example of living

from an external frame.

We all have a frame of reference in

any given situation, especially new

situations, or any situation where we

feel uncertain. This means we look for

some kind of signal to determine how

we should act, think, and feel.

Let’s say you’d never been to a

football game before (that’s American

football, not soccer for my international

friends). Maybe you’ve never even seen

one on TV. But a new friend of yours

says you absolutely have to come

experience live football and gifts you a

ticket.

At the game, there is a ton of stuff

happening you probably don’t get at

first, both on the field and in the stands.

So, you look to your friend and the

people around you for indications of

how to react and how to interpret what’s

happening. When something happens on

the field and everyone cheers, you cheer.

When something else happens and your

friend grabs his forehead in disgust, you

grab your forehead, too. Because you

don’t know how to act in this situation,

you look to your friend for guidance.

You are looking outside of yourself. You

have an external frame of reference.

This is how many people approach

much of their lives. They are constantly

looking to others to determine if what

they are doing is okay, allowed,

appropriate, normal, good, and right.

Their entire frame of reference for how

to act, think, and feel is largely external.

This is especially common in social

situations. We look to others’ reactions

to see if we’re dressed right, saying the

right things, and being polite enough.

Was that story you told interesting? Well,

only if everyone seemed engaged. Am I

a funny person? It depends on if my

friends laughed at my joke. Am I

attractive? It depends on if he smiled at

me, or if she seemed interested in talking

with me.

The external frame of reference is a

powerless frame. When you are using it,

you are giving all of your power away,

sometimes to strangers and people you

don’t even know that well. I call this the

Power Bleed and we’ll talk about that

more in just one second. For now,

though, just stop it. Stop looking so much

to others to determine what you should

do, think, or feel. Stop looking outwards

and start looking in.

An internal frame of reference comes

from inside of you. You assess a

situation and determine what feels right

to you. You ask yourself questions like,

What do I want? How do I feel? What

do I think about that? What do I really

want to do?

And then you act based upon the

answers to those questions. You do what

you want, even if not everyone

approves. Even if no one gave you the

green light. If you see a striking woman

you want to meet, you simply walk over

and ask her a question. If you see a

handsome man who makes your breath

catch, you walk up to him and smile. If

you want to interrupt two colleagues

talking in the hallway because you have

an important question to ask one of them,

you walk over and insert yourself. If you

want to stand up at your friend’s

wedding and offer a toast on the spot

without having prepared anything, you

stand up and speak from your heart in

front of the group.

You act based on what you want to

do. You are guided by your own internal

system. You are the leader of your own

life. You are powerful.

But what if…?

What if it’s the “wrong” thing to do?

How do you actually know if it’s the

wrong thing? Because someone doesn’t

respond well? Now we’re back to an

external frame. See how fast that

happens? If you wanted to say it, or it

felt important to you to do it, then stand

behind it. Someone else might be upset.

And that’s ok. You won’t die, and neither

will they. Later in this chapter you’ll

learn powerful ways to quickly diffuse

upset and how to stop worrying about

upsetting others in general.

What if I do something bad or

inappropriate? What if I’m totally out

of line?

Like taking your pants off at a dinner

party? What are you, two years old?

Relax. Trust yourself a little more. You

don’t need that heavy policing of

yourself to stay in line. You have a

natural guidance system that makes you

attentive, caring, loving, and good. You

don’t need to make it happen by fearing

others’ responses. Instead, trust your

own feelings, thoughts, and desires.

Trust your intuition and your gut. You

have way more wisdom inside of you

than you give yourself credit for.

Power Bleed

Most people lose much of their social

power, not because it’s taken from them,

but because they hastily give it all away.

Before you enter a room–whether

it’s a business meeting, a cocktail party,

or dinner with your spouse’s friends–you

are either accessing your power or

bleeding it all away. Here’s how most

people do the latter (which is a fancy

way of saying the second one).

Before entering the room, you think

to yourself, I hope this goes well, I’m

not very good at meeting people, I hate

speaking up in meetings, I hope I don’t

mess this up. You may be imagining

ways this scenario could go poorly. You

might even be remembering similar past

experiences where it did not go well.

You are forgetting your power,

seeing yourself as less than you really

are, and thinking you need something

from these people, which is usually

either

approval

or

acceptance.

Sometimes your goal is just to impress

others (so they will like and love you).

Now all the power is in their hands

because, in seeking their approval or

acceptance you’ve given it all away.

It’s like the Nintendo game The

Legend of Zelda, which I only played for

the NES because I’m old school. In case

you’re not familiar with it, the premise

of that game is there’s a magical source

of power called the Tri-Force. It’s a

glowing triangle, and it’s badass.

Anyway, apparently the evil elf Ganon

has kidnapped the beautiful elfin

princess Zelda. As Link, the hero of the

tale, it is your quest to find the princess

and defeat Ganon, thus ridding the land

of his evil scourge. Getting nerdy enough

yet? I’m just getting started.

As a pathetically untrained elfling

with nothing but a wooden sword, you

must first build up your power to even

stand a chance against Ganon. And so

you travel across the land, gaining

experience by hacking apart forest

monsters and claiming useful items from

dungeons. You are also questing for the

broken pieces of the Tri-Force, which

has been shattered all across the land

(no doubt due to Ganon’s mischief).

Each time you find a piece, you

triumphantly hold it over your head,

gaining more power and capability.

Eventually, you find all the pieces,

assemble the Tri-Force and murder the

shit out of Ganon. I think. I’m not sure if

I ever actually beat the game.

In any case, the Power Bleed is like

shattering your Tri-Force all over the

room. You enter the room in a powerless

state, thinking you need to reclaim the

broken shards from each person. Each

interaction,

each

moment

of

the

conversation, and believing that each

person holds some power that you must

get back. If they like me, think I’m

funny and interesting, see me as

capable and smart, then I’ve recovered

a piece of my self-worth. But that’s not

enough. Even if one person approves of

you, you’re not done. Now you need to

get the same from the next person, and

the next, and the next. It’s exhausting.

And it’s totally made up.

The Tri-Force isn’t broken. It’s right

there inside of you, glowing orange and

bright. Take a deep breath in, right into

the center of your chest. Let it out now,

and then take another deep breath in—as

if you’re breathing directly into your

heart. Feel that sense of power, that

knowing that you already are enough,

that all you need is inside of you. You

don’t need a stranger to approve of you.

You don’t need everyone there to think

you’re brilliant. You don’t need anything

from anyone. Just let it go. Trust in

yourself and know you are awesome,

right now in this moment.

Why are you valuing others opinions

so highly? You know who you are. You

know your positive qualities, what you

bring to others, what makes you unique

and significant. You know the nature of

your own heart and what a loving,

confident,

kind

person

you

are

underneath all that fear and self-doubt.

Why are you putting another person’s

perspective above your own? Especially

when that perspective belongs to a

stranger or anyone who has never really

spent time with you. It’s crazy. They

don’t even really know you, and yet if

they think you’re boring or too quiet,

then you automatically take that on as

true about yourself.

The real issue here is how much you

love and accept yourself. If you are

“right in yourself,” on your own side,

and accepting of who you are, then you

are connected with your power and no

longer bleeding it away. The Power

Bleed comes from not thinking much of

yourself and therefore seeking external

approval to help you feel like you’re

good enough. It’s like you’re constantly

running from a worthiness deficit and the

external approval temporarily brings you

back to baseline.

But what if you were the source of

power? What if you were the source of

approval and love? The one who

accepts other people, finds their

greatness, and shares it with them?

It’s amazing what can happen, and

how quickly things can change, when we

shift from getting to giving. Instead of

getting this person to like me and

approve of me, how can I give love and

approval? How can I help this person

feel at ease, know they are accepted, and

help them see how awesome they are?

When you ask yourself questions like

that before entering a room, your entire

world changes. Social anxiety and self-

consciousness melt away as you focus

outside of yourself. People respond

completely differently. They listen to you

more, seem more engaged, interested

and intrigued. They want to talk with

you, hire you, or date you. Because you

have what everyone is seeking.

With What Moon Language

Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them,

“Love me.”

Of course you do not do this out

loud; otherwise, someone would call

the cops.

Still, though, think about this, this

great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives

with a full moon

in each eye that is always saying,

with that sweet moon language,

what every other eye in this world is

dying to hear?

--Hafiz--

(translated by Daniel Ladinsky)

ASSERTIVENESS: HOW

TO BOLDLY

SPEAK UP FOR

YOURSELF

A big part of social power and the

ability to confidently and freely be

yourself around anyone, in any situation,

is being free to speak your mind. This is

assertiveness. We spend so much time

policing ourselves: second-guessing and

double-checking what we should or

shouldn’t say. Will they like it? Is that

an appropriate thing to say? Is that too

much? Is that too honest? What if they

get upset? What if they don’t like me

for saying it?

All these questions and all this

filtering creates a dam in the river of

ideas and thoughts inside of you.

Feelings are meant to be felt and

released. Your perspectives, ideas, and

preferences are meant to be expressed

and released, not held inside, stuffed

down behind layers of fear and self-

doubt. I did this for many years and it

was bad news. Because of this, I

experienced chronic tension in my solar

plexus and ongoing problems with my

guts. So much stuffed down emotion that

couldn’t get it out.

Fuck it. It’s time to just start saying

stuff. Seriously. Right now. Stop hiding,

stop making excuses, stop finding

reasons not to and just do it. Just say it.

Say what you’re really thinking, ask

what you really want to ask. Just blurt it

out. Release the dam and get into the

flow. It’s a lot less predictable, less

controlled, less boring and a hell of a lot

more fun.

From what I’ve seen over the years,

most people want to have this freedom.

They want to speak freely and boldly

and care less about what others think.

And yet they have a long-standing

pattern of avoiding assertiveness out of

fear. Of focusing on pleasing others

rather than being real and authentically

themselves.

This pattern of avoidance can be so

habitual and so unconscious that you

might not even know when you are doing

it. Let’s take a moment to reflect on it

now. What are the main reasons you

don’t currently speak up as much as you

want to? What excuses or stories do you

tell yourself that allow you to stay quiet,

small, and feeling powerless?

Here are some of the most common

stories we tell ourselves to avoid being

assertive.

If I speak up…

Others will get upset with me,

dislike me, and stop wanting to be

around me.

I will hurt other peoples’ feelings

and they will feel devastated and I

will be a terrible person and feel

guilty.

They will be disappointed and I

couldn’t do that to them.

They already have so much on their

plate, I don’t want to burden them

with my desires or needs.

They are going to say no and then

I’ll feel embarrassed and ashamed

for asking.

They will see me as dominating,

controlling, demanding, or too

needy.

Now is not the right time; I’ll talk

with them later when I’m not upset

about it any more.

They will react with anger and

attack or criticize me and I won’t be

able to handle it.

Actually

that

last

part

is

unconsciously tacked on to every single

one of these stories: I won’t be able to

handle it. That’s the real fear. I won’t be

able to handle their upset, their anger, or

my feelings of self-loathing or guilt.

What are you telling yourself you

can’t handle? Is that really true? Or

would it just be unpleasant or

uncomfortable? How do you imagine

you’ll ever get better at handling it if you

constantly avoid it? Luck? Black magic?

The only way to gain this ability is to

practice it. The only way to increase

your social power is to build it, step-by-

step. In each moment you have a choice.

You can choose to avoid speaking up

and stay in the Safety Police’s land of

certainty, or you can choose to blurt out

what you really think, feel, and want and

see what actually happens. One choice

keeps you stuck, small, frustrated and

resentful. Rarely getting what you want.

The other builds your strength, generates

power, and ultimately sets you free. As

always, the choice is yours, from

moment to moment.

Just Fucking Say It

Often when I’m working with clients on

increasing their social power and

confidence there will come a point when

they are faced with the choice to speak-

up or avoid. By now they are on board

with the speak-up plan. They are sick

and tired of living their lives in fear-

based,

people

pleasing,

Nice

Personville. They are ready to do it.

There’s just one question…how?

They will ask me, “But how do I

speak my mind in that situation? I’m so

nervous. How do I do it?”

This is a time when a “how”

question is bogus. Sometimes asking

how to do something is great. For

example, instead of asking, “Why don’t I

have anyone to date right now?” you can

ask yourself “How can I meet and ask

more people out?” This will get your

mind out of giving you reasons why you

suck and into providing active solutions.

That’s a great use of the “how” question.

A less great use of the “how”

question is when we know exactly what

we need to do, we just are scared to do

it. In this case the “how” becomes a

delay tactic, a clever way of convincing

ourselves that we need more time, we

need to figure something out before we

do it. In fact, we want to have it all

figured out before we take action so we

can get it right and do it perfectly, thus

avoiding all conflict, discomfort, and

messiness.

At the end of the day though, there is

no how. There is only do. It’s the DO

muscle from the ACTION chapter,

remember?

Just fucking say it. That thing that

comes to your mind. That response. That

question. That joke. Stop waiting

around. Stop rolling it around in your

head for thirty seconds until the moment

has passed. Just let it out. Now.

As you do, your conversations will

turn from boring, stiff, scary interactions

that you can’t wait to make it through to

fun, exciting explorations. The reason

they’re boring and stilted now is

because you are prioritizing certainty

above anything else. You know what

will happen if you play small and stay

quiet and nice. It’s familiar and

predictable.

But when you just blurt something

out, you’re immediately in the river of

uncertainty. It’s fast, spontaneous, and

exciting. You don’t know what’s around

the next corner. You can spend all day at

the side of the river, wondering why

you’re scared to get in. Does it come

from my childhood? Probably. Now

jump in the water.

No, wait, I haven’t figured out why

I’m so scared yet. And besides, how do

I jump in? I just don’t know how to

jump in yet.

What the hell are you talking about?

You just jump in. You dive in, you fall

in, it looks good, it looks awkward. It

doesn’t matter. Just get in the water.

You’ll figure the rest out later as you go,

by necessity.

A while back I was at a hippie music

and arts festival out in the woods in

Oregon. My wife and I were lying in our

tent, enjoying the early morning, warmly

snuggled together. This is before we had

two small children and could still spend

hours just lying there doing nothing. Ahh,

the luxury!

Outside the tent we could hear two

young boys who were camped near us.

They were probably four or five years

old. One of them said to the other, “My

dad knows your mom and so we all

camped together. When we got here we

found you guys. And then we played

together yesterday and now we’re

friends.”

“Wow,” replied the other boy.

“That’s a really long story.”

My wife and I laughed. What an

awesome response. What freedom. The

other boy didn’t seem to care. They

remained fast friends all weekend. No

one got horribly offended, no one left in

a huff and never came back, no one died.

Just fucking say it. Give yourself the

permission and the freedom to be who

you really are. How you naturally were

as a young kid, when you were free to

say what you really thought. Before all

the layers of fear and doubt and

approval-seeking got piled on. Just stand

up and let all those layers fall to the

ground, like a pile of blankets you no

longer need.

Someone’s talking and you are not

engaged at all in what they’re saying?

Interrupt them. Abruptly change the

subject. Or do it gracefully. Whichever,

it doesn’t matter. Just fucking say

something.

When someone challenges you at

work, implying you don’t know what

you’re doing, fire back. Speak up. Ask

them questions to find out why they’re

making that claim. Allow yourself to be

louder, bolder, stronger, and more

powerful. It’s ok if you look upset or

frustrated. You don’t have to hide all that

down in your guts. Those feelings are

actually part of being a vibrant, alive,

complete human.

You might think you need to hide

everything unpleasant, keep everything

smooth, and only speak up when you’re

certain it will be well received. You do

this because you don’t want people to

dislike you and you hope that if they

don’t dislike you then by default they

will like you. This actually isn’t true.

They might not dislike you, but they

might not care that much about you either

way. “Oh, that Aziz guy, yeah he’s ok.

Nice enough.” That isn’t exactly

passionate.

The truth is, people will like you

more when you speak up. When you just

say what you’re thinking, insert your

opinion, or throw your two cents into the

ring, people will like you more. That

doesn’t mean every single person is

going to like you and be your friend. And

it doesn’t mean that no one will ever

disagree with you. But life is not about

getting everyone to approve of you and

avoiding all conflict and friction and

keeping everything smooth. That’s a

coward’s life. That’s a dismal life of

fear and low self-esteem. You are not

meant for that life.

Fuck it. Just say it. Just let it out. Let

it be messy. Let it be uncertain. Trust that

you will figure out more as you go. That

once you are in the water you will learn

how to swim. Perhaps awkwardly at

first, but if you stay in the water, you

will soon glide powerfully with skill

and grace. But in order to to that, you

first have to get in the water.

BEING SOCIALLY

FEARLESS

If there is one place it is the easiest to be

fearless, it’s in social contexts. Being

fearless jumping out of a plane, or in

combat? A lot harder. Because you are

in mortal danger. You could die.

But social fear? In comparison that’s

a piece of cake. You are not going to die.

There is no threat to your safety or your

life. Just endless worried thoughts that

fabricate catastrophes of isolation and

ruin. But those are completely made up.

Bullets in combat? Those are not made

up. I’m telling you, being socially

fearless is easy. Here’s how to do it.

First, assume everything is fine.

Assume everything is okay until proven

otherwise. Instead of having the default

assumption that people are going to be

upset with you, why not assume that

everyone is going to be fine with what

you’re doing or saying?

So many people walk around

assuming everything they do is impolite,

inappropriate, and somehow upsetting or

annoying to others. Their life is one big

apology. They apologize for bumping

shoulders, apologize for starting to talk

at the same time as someone else,

apologize for saying “no” to someone,

and apologize even when something is

not their fault. They even apologize

when there’s no problem and nothing to

actually apologize for.

How many times per day do you say,

“I’m sorry”? Unless you are making

grievous errors that really warrant an

apology to rebuild a relationship, I’d

suggest cutting way back. If you gently

bump shoulders as you walk past

someone, that’s not the time to

apologize. That’s you assuming others

are going to be upset with you and you

trying to dodge that upset with a hasty

and automatic apology.

One client I worked with was so

overly apologetic we decided to have

him do an “apology fast.” He was

instructed to consciously not apologize

for a week. He came back to the next

session a week later and said he

couldn’t do it. He held back about fifty

percent of the time, but in so many

scenarios the apologies just poured out

of him. First, I told him that changing any

habit by fifty percent in one week is a

huge and dramatic improvement, and

almost nothing happens that quickly.

Second, keep going!

And so he did. After a month he was

apology-free, except for instances that

really warranted a true apology. He told

me that one amazing result of that

experiment was he just felt more

powerful wherever he went: at work, on

the street, in the store. He was no longer

seeing other people as these angry and

scary figures who he had to keep

appeasing lest they lash out at him. He

reclaimed his power.

And so can you. Stop seeing

strangers and everyone else as angry

parents. You are not a child who is

powerless and has to appease the big

bad adults. Stand tall, breathe deep,

keep your head on the horizon and your

eyes looking right into the eyes of others,

no matter if they’re a colleague, an

attractive man or woman, the company

CEO, or a stranger. You are both

powerful adults. Both equal.

From this place, assume that

whatever you are going to say or do is

fine. Assume that the world is a friendly

place, that people want to help you get

what you need, and that others are

absorbed in their own lives and not

judging you all the time.

Ask your question, interrupt the

conversation, join into the discussion,

share your opinion, say something is a

bad idea, explain why you didn’t like the

movie, say what restaurant you want to

go to, tell that person “no,” ask that

person why they said “no” to you,

challenge others, say what you’re really

thinking. And assume that others will

respond positively, openly, and warmly.

And if they respond otherwise, you can

handle it.

The world is not a reflection of what

your parents did when you were growing

up. If your mom got mad when you asked

questions, that doesn’t mean everyone is

going to get mad at you for asking

questions. If your dad got upset when

you

challenged

him

or

didn’t

immediately and silently obey, that

doesn’t mean your boss will react the

same way. That’s a simplistic conclusion

that comes from a lack of self-awareness

and too much avoidance. You need to

step up and take the risks and see what

actually happens in the real world with

lots of different people. Give people the

chance to show you who they really are.

This will give you a much more complex

and accurate map of how people

respond. It’s time to upgrade from the

one you created when you were six

years old.

Instead of assuming they’ll be upset,

you can be surprised when someone’s

upset. “Oh, you didn’t like me asking

those questions? Interesting.” “Oh, you

didn’t want me to share my opinion

there? Huh! I’m surprised. And curious.

Why not?”

When you can meet someone else’s

upset reaction with surprise and

curiosity, there’s nothing you can’t

handle. The essence of this approach is,

“Oh, you’re upset? Tell me more.” We

don’t need to run from this stuff and hide

under our beds. We can lean into it.

“I can’t believe you said that in the

meeting. That was absolutely ridiculous.

We had them until you fucked it up.”

That would be a pretty uncomfortable

thing to hear from a colleague, wouldn’t

it? Ooh, how about a boss? Freaky. At

this point, most people would take one

of three approaches. All ineffective. All

safety-focused. All cowardly.

Option A: Hastily and profusely

apologize.

“I’m so sorry. That was terrible. I

don’t know why I said that. I should

have kept my mouth shut.”

This might get your boss to stop

criticizing you in the moment, or it might

not. Either way, it won’t actually be

solving anything.

Option B: Defend, Blame, and

Explain

“I can’t believe they offered us such

a low amount. It’s insulting. The only

reason I shared that info in there was

because accounting told me those

numbers. They are a mess over there.”

Confuse, distract, derail. Whatever it

takes to get the heat off of you. If it

wasn’t a boss, you might blame the other

person directly. There’s something

wrong with me? No, sir, there is

something wrong with you!

Option C: Limp Dead Horse

“…”

You just stay quiet and take it. You

hang your head in shame and silently

agree with everything your boss says.

You hope by being quiet and just taking

it that the upset will pass quickly.

Let’s contrast these three wonderful

strategies against something that actually

works: being surprised and curious.

Here is an example of how a

conversation might go when you

approach it in that way. Notice how it

actually leads to a dialogue, whereas the

other strategies are designed to end the

conversation as quickly as possible.

Boss: I can’t believe you said that in

the meeting. That was absolutely

ridiculous. We had them until you fucked

it up.

You: Oh, you really didn’t like me

saying something in there. Tell me more.

What specifically did I do that fucked it

up?

Boss: Are you kidding? You don’t

know?

You: I can see you’re really upset

with me. I have a number of ideas about

how that could have gone better. And

I’m curious to hear more about what you

were seeing.

Boss: Well, for starters you shared

about our numbers from accounting. Why

would you tell them that? Now they

know exactly what we are able to do and

they are going to turn the screws on us.

We can get them as a supplier but it’s

going to cost us way more.

You: Ah, so you are concerned that

with the info about some of our numbers

they’re going to take advantage of us and

raise up their prices.

Boss: Yes, that’s exactly what

they’re going to do.

You: And what are you worried will

happen as a result?

Boss: We’re going to pay through the

nose here and not have anything left to

fund the Receiver project, which is what

we need more than anything for the next

five years.

You: Wow, I had no idea. So you’re

most

worried

about

something

interfering with the Receiver project.

Boss: You’re damn right I am.

What did you notice about this

exchange? What stands out to you?

At this point you can apologize, or

explain your thinking. But notice how

it’s coming from a very different place.

Not from fear and conflict avoidance,

but in order to share your own

perspective or to help your boss

understand why you did what you did.

Notice how curiosity allows you to

find out what’s really going on.

Whenever someone gets upset, instead of

making it immediately about you and

assuming it’s your fault, slow down.

Breathe. Become curious. I wonder what

button got pushed in them? I wonder

what they’re scared of underneath and

trying to get angry about to feel more

powerful? What do they really need

here?

Certainty,

security,

to

feel

significant? Armed with this curiosity,

you can deal with any conflict,

regardless of whether it’s with your

spouse, a stranger, a customer, or your

supervisor.

Reflect back to them what they are

saying in order to gain clarity for

yourself. Find out exactly what they’re

upset about, and why it bothers them.

Get specific. The phrase “tell me more”

is one of the most simple and powerful

ways to head directly into upset in a way

that opens the other person up.

Because, like all feelings, upset and

anger just want to be heard and

acknowledged. Once you hear and

acknowledge the anger, you will almost

always notice a marked shift in the other

person. They will calm way down, be

way more open, and actually seem to

like you more. I’ve had people go from

complete anger and either saying or

implying “fuck you,” to feeling happy,

relaxed, and feeling quite positively

towards me. “This guy here, he’s great!”

All thanks to curiosity. So know that

you can handle anything. Any upset, any

conflict. There is no reason to constantly

be on guard, trying to avoid it. Just do

what you want to do, say want you want

to say, and trust yourself. On the rare

occasion that someone gets upset, know

that you can handle it. The next time

someone gets upset with you, get

curious, and prepare to have a

conversation unlike any other

The piece about sharing your

perspective after being curious is quite

important and one I used to overlook. It

was my fear of direct contact and

conflict that caused me to simply listen

and empathize and not voice any

countering perspective. But this, too, is

an incomplete strategy. We must be able

to speak our minds, share our opinions,

and put our feelings out there or else we

will leave feeling frustrated, resentful,

and with unresolved questions.

Going back to the example above

after you’ve heard your boss’s opinions

about your performance in the meeting,

you might say: “From my perspective, it

was important to share the numbers from

accounting. If they see what our capacity

is and what we’re looking for, they are

going to be more eager to supply us.”

You don’t need to make your boss

sound wrong and get into an argument.

You also don’t need to shy away from

sharing your reasoning and perception.

This is incredibly important: your

opinion matters. Your expertise, insight,

and intuition are valuable. You might be

seeing something that your boss isn’t. He

doesn’t even have to agree with you. In

fact, he might not. But that’s not the

point. The point is to value yourself and

your opinion, to be a powerful person

and a leader who can speak his or her

mind, and to leave the situation feeling

more at peace and resolved rather than

full of pent-up, unspoken feelings.

The Path

Being socially fearless is less of a

destination and more of an ongoing path

that you continue to walk down. The

more you practice fearlessness, the

better you’ll be at staying on the path.

When you veer off, you’ll notice it and

learn to quickly get back to your power

and what’s really true.

Veering off feels like fear. Fear of

what others will think, fear of others

being upset with you, fear of imagined

confrontation or conflict. It feels like

pent-up

emotion,

frustration,

and

seething resentment. It can also feel like

intense anger or rage that you experience

as feeling and thoughts that you would

never share. Whenever you notice any of

these things, congratulations! You’ve just

located where you are: off the path. Out

in the woods somewhere.

To bring yourself back, start by

pausing right where you are. One of my

favorite teachers, Tara Brach, refers to

this as a “sacred pause.” Instead of

blindly running through the underbrush,

sobbing, slamming into branches and

shrubs, just stop. Pause. Breathe. Feel

the feelings of fear in your chest, or

stomach, or throat. Notice the racing

thoughts, the virtual argument in your

head, or the imagined terrible scenario

of someone hating you. Take five minutes

and stop running from your feelings.

Just this morning, before I sat down

to write this, I was disconnected from

my power. My wife and I just had our

second son. He is one week old, and he

is asleep on my lap as I type this. I

noticed I was having intense, repetitive

fearful thoughts and feelings about a new

client. His situation is complex and he

was sending me many lengthy emails

with dozens of concerns listed in each

one. I felt a pressing need to answer

everything in every email prior to our

next session, afraid of setting boundaries

around session times, and afraid of him

being upset with me.

Off the path. Pause. Breathe. Feel.

So, I did what I always do when I’m

running from feelings and have a hard

time turning and facing whatever’s there.

I snort a line of cocaine and keep

running faster. No, I’m kidding. I set a

countdown timer on my watch for twelve

minutes. Twelve happens to be the day

of the month I was born, the number on

all my soccer jerseys as a kid, and my

favorite number. It’s also a solid length

of time to spend feeling my feelings.

The first few minutes are always the

hardest. Ugh, I don’t want to feel this.

There’s a thrashing around inside, trying

to get away. Compulsion to respond to a

different email, or start working on this

book. Do something, anything, rather

than feel whatever’s underneath. But, the

timer helps. I know I’m not doing

anything else until that sucker goes off.

So I breathe deeper and I feel more. I go

right into the center of that shaky,

unsettled feeling square in the center of

my chest.

After a few minutes, I feel a

powerful shift. The feelings are still

there, but my mind has stopped running.

There is release and softness in my

breath and body and I am open and

curious

about

the

uncomfortable

feelings. I glance down at my watch–it’s

been seven minutes. This is usually the

case for me: about five to seven minutes

of

thrashing

resistance

before

I

surrender. If I don’t pause and set the

timer, I can remain in thrashing

resistance for hours. Or better yet, I’ll

keep running ahead of the feelings by

staying perpetually busy with endless

projects and activities.

As I relax, I remind myself: I don’t

need anything from this client. I don’t

need him to like me, to want to work

with me, or to approve of me. I will

serve him in the best way I can, and I am

not responsible for his reactions,

feelings, or desires. I remind myself

there are many people who want to work

with me, and only a small number I can

take at any given time. I don’t need to

please him or worry about his upset. I

can serve him powerfully, and I can be

curious if he is upset with me.

As the anxiety about this client melts

away, and as my body starts to relax, I

feel an even more uncomfortable

sensation in my chest. Oh dear. This one

is way scarier, way worse. All of a

sudden I realize the anxiety around the

client was mostly a distraction from an

even more uncomfortable feeling. The

more you practice this, the more you

will discover these kinds of subtle

avoidance maneuvers. We will often

avoid painful feelings like grief, hurt, or

anger by becoming overly anxious or

obsessively

worried

about

some

problem in our lives. It might be

significant, or sometimes trivial, but we

will feel an absorbing amount of anxiety

about it and an intense urge to “figure it

out,” or do something to solve it right

now. Time after time, with clients and

with myself, I’ve seen that this is an

elaborate way to avoid the feelings we

don’t want to feel. But for me in that

moment, there was no avoiding it now, it

was here and needed to be reckoned

with.

As I looked down at my sleeping

boy, barely a week in this world, my

heart wrenched. He is so utterly

vulnerable, and I am too. My heart is

precariously placed inside of three

people who are outside of me: my wife,

our older son, and now this little dude. I

am permanently linked to each of them.

Should he get sick, or die, I will be

crushed. Lousy fear of loss. Lousy

vulnerability. I want to be a rock, an

island. I want to be invincible to loss, to

pain, to vulnerability. But alas, I don’t

think that’s possible if I want to live

fully and with an open heart, deeply

connecting and loving others. It’s the

price of admission I’m afraid.

So I felt that heart wrenching feeling

in my body. I felt it burn and twist and

move all around my chest. I felt it turn

and squeeze in my heart, as if it were

stretching the edges to make it bigger so

it could include this new little one.

All our fears are fears of feelings.

Face the feelings and you can handle

anything. All the fears about people

being upset, about messing something up,

about being disliked or rejected, are all

just fears of uncomfortable feelings in

your body. The feelings you don’t want

to feel in the future. But you’re already

feeling some version of them now. So

just let yourself feel them. Go right into

them with a bold willingness and

courageous heart. No matter how intense

or unpleasant, if you stay in your body

and don’t get lost in thinking about the

feelings, you will make it to the other

side. They will pass. And you will feel

more open in your chest, more powerful,

more clear, and more resourceful.

From this place, to get back on the

path and make progress, you must go do

the things you are afraid of. That means

you assert yourself, speak up in the

meeting, and challenge your colleagues

when needed. You share more openly

with

friends

and

reveal

your

vulnerabilities to your spouse or lover.

You get out in the world and face your

fears directly.

As you do, you progress further and

further along this path of social

fearlessness. And many things that used

to scare you will no longer impact you at

all. Things that used to terrify you and

keep you up at night may create minor

anxiety that you can rapidly work

through and let go of in minutes or an

hour. Each time you face uncomfortable

feelings in yourself or take actions out in

the world, you grow in power. As your

social power increases, so does your

social fearlessness and sense of

personal freedom.

MAKE SHIT HAPPEN

POWER

In addition to social power, personal

power also includes your ability to do

things in the world. I like to call this

Make Shit Happen Power. The earlier

chapters in this book were designed to

help you remove excuses and stories,

face your fears, and get into massive

action. These steps are essential to

breaking free from stagnation and

inaction into creating more and making

things happen in the world. You

transform from being an effect in life to a

cause. You influence yourself and the

world around you to go after what you

want and design your life as you would

like it to be.

While the previous chapters spring

you into rapid forward motion to make

shit happen in your life, there is one

other aspect of this power that is

incredibly important to master. This is

how you make decisions.

The Power Of Decision

One of the best ways to build power in

yourself and in your life is to decide.

Decisions are good. Making decisions is

good. In fact, you can decide right now

to be more decisive.

Why are decisions so powerful?

Because they direct action. They move

you forward in life by giving you

direction and momentum. Making them

requires trust in yourself and creates

trust in yourself. Trust strengthens you to

make

decisions.

Especially

big

decisions about your future, your family,

your money, or your life.

The other day I was speaking with a

man who wanted to step up in his life.

His boss, best friend, and ex-girlfriend

all told him he needed more confidence.

He needed to stop second-guessing

himself, stop doubting himself. To just

say what he thought and do what he

wanted to do more. That’s why he sought

me out.

He had dreams of being a director in

his company or even starting his own

enterprise. He wanted to get over his

fears about meeting women and being

his authentic self with them so he could

create an outstanding relationship. He

wanted to transform his life.

Sounded good to me. I liked the guy.

He was self-aware, intelligent, and had

a good heart. So I decided. I decided

which coaching proposal to offer him

and did so. But he soon became

tormented. He wanted to do it, but he

couldn’t pull the trigger. It wasn’t the

money; he could afford it. It wasn’t the

motivation, because he really wanted the

changes. It was his deep fear of making a

strong decision in the moment.

I asked him if he wanted me to give

him some coaching around that. He

agreed and we explored his fears, what

it would mean if he said yes, what others

would think, and on and on. After about

thirty minutes of this, I was pushing up

against my next appointment and I told

him I had to go.

He said he had to ask his friend. He

wanted his friend to decide for him. And

I knew then that he was too stuck for me

to help him at this time.

We must make decisions in life. Yes

or no. It doesn’t matter. But make one.

Do it now. You can start small, with

what shirt to wear today or what meal

you order at a restaurant. Give yourself

ten seconds to scan the menu, pick

something and decide. Close the menu.

Next topic. The more decisions you

make, and the bigger those decisions are,

the

more

powerful

you

become.

However, there are two major pitfalls

that can trip you up on your decide-your-

way-to-ultimate-power journey.

THE INNER-COMMITTEE METHOD

I learned about this concept from Robert

Glover, the author of No More Mr. Nice

Guy (which is an awesome book for

building personal power). Actually, I’d

been using this method of decision

making for years, I just didn’t know what

it was called. Basically, when faced

with a decision, you imagine a bunch of

different people and what they would

say about it. You also imagine what they

would think of you based on your

decision.

The list could be small–you imagine

your spouse, or a parent, or a close

friend. What would she say? What

would he say? What would my friend

think of me if I did this? How would

everyone feel about it?

Or the list could be large. You

imagine your spouse, parents, friends,

and co-workers. You imagine what the

friend of your friend might think. You

factor everyone you can think of into the

decision. What “should” I do so the

highest number people would approve

of what I’m doing? I don’t want anyone

to judge me or think less of me for any

reason now…

Ugh. It’s painful just to write this

section. It brings me right back to that

place

of

people-pleasing

unassertiveness that I spent many years

of my life flailing around in. It makes me

want to shout out: Get out! Get out now!

Drop the committee method. No one

is in charge of your life for you. No one

else’s opinion is more fitting than your

own when it comes to the decisions in

your life. Step up and decide to use the

Internal Decision Method from now on.

That means you check with yourself first

and foremost. Start with yourself. What

do I want? Why do I want that? What

would that bring to my life? What do I

NOT want?

If you want to factor other people in,

be specific and clear as to why you are

choosing them. As in, “I want to consult

with my dad about his thoughts on the

financial aspect of this because he’s

been studying finances for thirty years.”

It’s not about getting his approval, it’s

about getting some wisdom and tactical

perspective. Of course, if the decision

directly involves someone else, you can

have a discussion with them about their

desires. But still, you must ultimately

decide. Internally. From the inside.

The more you use this method of

internal decision-making, the more

powerful you will become. You’ll stop

looking outside of yourself for certainty

from someone else. Sure, they may

temporarily give it to you, but deep

down you will feel more uncertain and

insecure because you know you are not

in charge of your own life.

Pay attention over the next few days

to the decisions you make, both small

and large. Notice when the committee

starts to speak up, and affirm in yourself

that you can make decisions internally

and for yourself. You can even discuss it

with people and get their input, but you

are still in charge of making the ultimate

decision. And as you do this, notice how

much more powerful you feel.

Maximizing

“The alternative to maximizing is to be

a satisficer. To satisfice is to settle for

something that is good enough and not

worry about the possibility that there

might be something better.”

- Barry Schwartz

When my brother and I were teenagers

we used to drive places in our parents’

old car. I didn’t have my license yet, so

Tariq was in charge of driving (and

therefore the radio). These were the

rules he made up, and he was always

better at debating than I was. Perhaps

that’s why he’s a lawyer now.

Anyway, as we drove around town,

he’d be pressing the buttons of the pre-

programmed radio stations. When he

found a song he liked on slot number 1,

he would pause and say, “Ah, cool. I

like this song.” Then he’d rapidly press

numbers 2 through 6, always to return

back to his song on number 1.

“Why do you check the other stations

when you like the song on the first one?”

I asked one morning on the way to

school.

“Because there could be something

even better.”

This is maximizing. It’s a term I

picked up from Barry Schwartz and his

book, Paradox of Choice: Why More Is

Less. Maximizing is the decision-making

style where you want to check all your

options. You want to price check ten

different alternatives to make sure you

are getting the best deal. You want to

check thoroughly to make sure there’s

not something better, longer lasting, or

somehow superior. While a small

amount of due diligence seems good for

bigger decisions, this approach often

creates more indecision, confusion and

suffering. Barry suggests that keeping too

many options open seems to cost us

emotionally and psychologically. That it

does.

When we are maximizing we are

operating with this flawed thinking:

there is one option that we could pick

that will bring all good things and no

bad things. That we can know all

possible outcomes and consequences of

our decision and there is a clear “right”

choice. All pleasure, no pain. This leads

to confusion, indecision, anxiety, and

stress. It also leads to regret and self-

criticism after the fact, as we look back

and say, “Ahh, if only I’d made the other

choice…The right choice.”

The alternative to maximizing is

“satisficing.” This means assessing your

choices, weighing them for a brief time,

and then making a decision. Bam. I’ll go

with that. Let’s do it. This kind of

decision-making involves letting go.

Letting go of trying to be perfect, trying

to avoid future discomfort, trying to only

have pleasure and no pain in life. You let

go of always trying to be right, and never

making mistakes. You realize that there’s

a “good enough” choice, and it will

bring pleasure and pain. It will have

awesome benefits, and some unforeseen

challenges. That’s how all decisions

work because that’s how life works.

The

key

to

switching

from

maximizing to satisficing is to see

maximizing for what it is: a fear-based

approach to decision making focused on

avoiding all pain. As such, instead of

indulging it, you can simply notice it and

then switch to a different style.

For small decisions, start satisficing

immediately. All over the place. Which

route to take to work, which meal to

order, which movie to watch. Make

those decisions in seconds, and stick to

them. Notice if you have a maximizing

spasm afterwards of fear, regret, or

FOMO (fear of missing out). Perhaps

you longingly look at your friend’s eggs

benedict and think, Why on earth did I

order the breakfast burrito? Let

yourself be wracked by regret for a few

minutes. That’s just your maximizing

pattern thrashing around as you work it

out of your system. Keep going. Make it

a habit to make small decisions quickly.

For bigger decisions, like directions

for your business, making a large

purchase, or beginning a work or

personal relationship, you can assess a

little more. But even then, gather what

info you need, which can often be done

in one or two days at the absolute most.

Then, with that data, make a decision

and do it. Yes or no. It doesn’t matter.

The decisiveness is what matters.

Trust in yourself. Know that there

are no wrong decisions. Each path will

lead to amazing gains, as well as

problems and challenges. You can’t

avoid problems in life nor would you

want to. Dealing with problems is what

keeps you growing and strengthening

yourself.

Without

problems

you’d

become a lethargic, atrophied, fragile

lump of inert matter. You may think you

don’t want any problems, but trust me

you want them. So invite them in.

Hopefully they are higher quality

problems than you faced a year ago, or

five years ago.

Decide, and then boldly step down

the path you’ve chosen. Own it. Work

with whatever happens that you don’t

like. Enjoy the goodies along the way

and take some time to feel grateful for

them.

DECISION TIME

Once you’ve broken free of maximizing

and the inner committee method, your

decision-making will rapidly improve.

You will make decisions with force,

conviction, and swiftness. You will

build more trust in yourself and your

power will increase exponentially. And

here’s the best part: decisions lead to

greater action. When you decide, you’re

no longer holding off, hesitating, or

waiting to do or not do something. You

just do it. Or if you decide to not do

something, you’re done with it and you

move on to something else that you do

decide to do. Thus with more decisions,

comes more action. More action equals

more learning, more progress, more

results.

This

leads

to

career

advancement, explosive growth in your

business

and

income,

better

relationships,

better

health,

more

confidence, and a better life.

Ready to get out there and make

some decisions?

Let’s start right now. What is one

decision you can make in this moment

that will help you move forward in your

life. It could be small or large.

Something you’ve been bouncing back

and forth on, or procrastinating about.

Bring it to your mind right now. Stand

up, take a deep breath in, and feel your

feet on the floor, strong and firm. Tap

into your own inner knowing. Forget

what anyone else would think or say;

you have all the answers you need inside

of you now. Everything you need is

inside of you right now. All the courage,

power, confidence, and certainty you

need is right there, right now. Breathe

deep, feel that decisiveness and just

choose. Right. Now.

Good. Now put it into practice. Go

take action on that decision immediately.

Send that email. Make that call.

Schedule that appointment. Look up that

person on the Internet. Get those running

shoes on. Whatever it is you decided, do

it now. The more you do this, the more

power you generate, and the more

confident you become.

The secret key is now. In fact, this is

so important the entire next chapter is

dedicated to it. So let’s dive into that

now, shall we?

CHAPTER X:

______

NOW

“When would now be a good time?”

- Tony Robbins

Here we are. Almost at the end of the

book. You’ve learned more about

confidence, overcoming fear, taking bold

action, speaking up for yourself, asking

for what you want, mastering money, and

being the most powerful version of

yourself than most people will learn in

their entire lives. You are swimming in a

vast pool of insight, understanding,

awareness and information.

Perhaps you feel excited by the idea

of liberation. You imagine what your life

will be like when you are free from fear

and self-doubt: when you are able to say

and do what you want more freely.

Perhaps the idea of maximizing your

career and financial confidence so you

can become truly wealthy—both in

money and in gratitude—fills you with

energy and inspiration. And maybe

knowing that you can find and share love

with many people, including that one

special person, warms your heart and

brings tears of relief to your eyes.

And yet, all of this is just

hypothetical.

It’s

potential

energy.

Potential transformation. None of it

becomes real until you step through the

doorway that is now open before you.

THE DOORWAY

Whenever we have a moment of insight,

a doorway opens. We see something

about ourselves, we decide we’re going

to change something, and we determine

what our new action will be. In this

moment, like any moment, there is an

opportunity to take action and shift the

course of our lives toward a positive

direction. We are temporarily free from

the negative stories and excuses that

hold us back. We are inspired by our

outcomes and our vision so that we have

the motivation to face fear and break

through to a life of confidence and

action. We are ready. This is the

doorway.

It’s a doorway into a new life. A

new way of being in the world that

completely changes what the world

around you looks like. This leads to new

beliefs, new behaviors, and ultimately a

new identity. It also changes the results

you get in all areas of life and the

responses you get from other people.

Once you step through the door, you’ll

find yourself on a path towards your

ultimate destination: where you truly

want to go.

But

this

doorway

doesn’t

permanently remain wide open. In fact,

sometimes our motivation and hunger to

make big changes is fairly short-lived. If

you do not take action in the moment,

right now, then the doorway tends to

slowly close over time. When the stories

and excuses are cleared, and we can so

vividly see what we want, the only thing

standing in the way is fear. And the

longer you stand at fear’s doorstep,

hesitating and waiting to go in, the

scarier crossing that threshold becomes.

The more daunting, uncomfortable, and

overwhelming it seems. The longer you

wait, the harder it gets. This is true for

almost everything.

Then, in that moment of hesitation,

the stories and excuses rush back in to

fill up the space your waiting has

created. Your Safety Police reforms their

squad, and now they are stronger than

ever. Now they’ve got the additional

ammo that you “tried something before

and it didn’t work.” This, of course, is

absurd because you didn’t really try

anything. You just read a book and

maybe dabbled with an exercise or two.

But that’s good enough for the Safety

Police’s evidence file, and they will use

it to thoroughly convince you that nothing

will work, that it’s not worth wasting

your time and getting your hopes up, that

you should just resign yourself to a

mediocre life of safety.

That is, of course, unless you step

through the doorway. Better yet, leap

through it. If you can leap through and

commit yourself to something on the

other side, there’s no going back. You’ve

thrown your hat over the fence and now

you have to climb over or else you’ll

never get it back.

This chapter is about helping you do

just that. Because there is only one time

to step through the doorway. Only one

time to do anything, really. And that

moment is the present moment—right

now.

The Dream Killers

That sounds like it could be the name of

a bad 80s band. But actually, The Dream

Killers are the things we tell ourselves

that prevent us from taking action right

now to maximize our confidence and

create the life we want. Dream killing

might sound kind of extreme, but that’s

really what these stories do. It’s not the

dramatic Wild West shoot-out kind of

killing that we’ve all come to know and

love from movies and video games. It’s

actually the more sneaky, invisible,

longer-term kind of killing, like drinking

yourself to death, or eating heavily

processed, sugary foods for most of your

life.

Too grim? I’m afraid it has to be.

Because these killers are no laughing

matter. Stick with me, because we have

to illuminate these sneaky saboteurs so

that you can uproot them and step into

the seat of all your power, which you

can only access in the present moment.

THE MYTH OF “SOMEDAY”

“There are seven days of the week and

“someday” is not one of them.”

- Rita Chand

This one is so effective because it

seems so plausible. Our Safety Police

love to use this one because if they tell

us never to do something, that can rouse

suspicion in us. Never take action to

break free and create the life I want?

That’s not good. But what if it says, “Oh,

you totally will. Someday. Someday

really soon. Like next month when things

have calmed down. Or next year when

you have more money to invest in

figuring out the solution to this

problem.”

It not only sounds plausible, it even

sounds reasonable. It’s the sensible thing

to do. Except it almost never is. Unless

we’re talking about blowing all your

savings on a gigantic big screen TV, the

time to take action is almost always

now. I’m talking about the actions that

you know will improve your life, like

applying for that new job, stepping up at

work and going after leadership roles,

creating your own business, pursuing

that

person

you

find

irresistibly

attractive and amazing, going out after

work to meet people instead of going

home and being lonely, calling that

acquaintance and turning them into a

friend. That kind of action. The time for

that kind of action is now. Always now.

Someday is a sneaky delay tactic

designed to put off the discomfort of

facing whatever fear accompanies the

action you know you must take. Asking

that person out? I could get rejected and

feel embarrassed and inadequate. I’ll

do it later. Take that sales course to

improve my performance and grow in

my career? Geez, that means I’ll have

to do more sales calls and rack up more

nos. That sounds unpleasant. I’ll wait

until next year when I have the money

to invest in that course. I just can’t

afford it right now. And on, and on. We

can easily do this in most of the areas of

our lives that really matter.

Somewhere deep down we are

secretly hoping that the problem will just

solve itself. Sometimes we have a semi-

believable story, such as: my social life

will get better when I move to that

bigger city so I’ll worry about making

new friends then. But often we don’t

even have an idea or plan about how

things will get better. It’s just a strange

form of denial that we use to tell

ourselves that something in the future

will somehow be different, even if we

don’t take any new action today.

The result of this is that we avoid

discomfort, avoid risk, and avoid the

unknown. We stay with what is familiar

in the moment, even if it’s disappointing

or painful. At least it’s familiar and safe,

dammit! And the myth of “someday”

allows us to stay in this holding pattern

until that day arrives. Which, of course,

it often doesn’t.

So fuck someday. What are you

putting off until next month, or next year?

What stories are you telling yourself

about why it’s better to wait and do it

later? Are they really true? Or are they

just a clever way to dodge fear and stay

in your comfort zone?

Whatever your reasons are for

wanting more confidence in your life—

more social freedom, more friendships

and connections, amazing dates and a

loving relationship, massive career

success and a feeling of purpose and

accomplishment—all of that is outside

of your comfort zone and will only

happen when you start taking action now.

Guess why? Because it will take a

lot of action to get to any of those things.

More than you probably realize. So

you’d better get started right now. The

sooner the better. Post haste. Forthwith.

With great swiftness. Go. Do it. Right.

Now.

THE MYTH OF SLOW CHANGE

This one is sticky like molasses. It

makes your life feel like a slow novel

that trudges through boring stuff till

finally it stumbles onto a good moment. I

personally don’t have much patience for

books like that. If I can’t get into the plot

within the first thirty pages, I usually

move on to something else. Why waste

my time with a boring story?

Many people hold the unconscious

belief that change takes large amounts of

time. That years and decades are

required to create the shifts you want in

yourself and your life circumstances (if

they can even happen at all). This

creates a heavy feeling around change,

and slows down our actions to a snail’s

pace. Change is hard, it takes forever,

and sometimes people can’t change at

all.

I had one client who loved to ask me

this question. “Aziz,” he’d say as he

squinted his eyes and looked up towards

the ceiling, “is it really possible for

someone to change? I mean, can it really

be done?”

I always wondered why he looked

up in the sky as he said that. The first

time he asked, I shared my thoughts

about the subject.

“Yes.” I said with absolutely

certainty. “I’ve made these changes

myself

and

I’ve

personally

seen

hundreds of other people do it is well.

You can absolutely make massive shifts

in your confidence if you put in the

energy and focus.”

The second time he asked me this

question, I became curious about what

he might be feeling. “Are you asking

because you doubt that you can change?”

But by the third, fourth and fifth

times he asked, I started to realize this

was not a real question. It was a delay

tactic

disguised

as

a

legitimate

philosophical inquiry. This pondering

was a way to eat up our session times

without focusing on his stories, excuses,

or fears. It stopped us from getting to

real actions he was going to take that

week to transform his life. He

subconsciously wanted to stay in the

land of slow change, where change may

or may not even be possible at all.

Yes, big, long-held patterns of social

anxiety can take time to change.

Reprogramming

yourself

from

the

passive, unassertive nice person into the

bold, direct, leader that you really are

will take practice over time. Getting

skilled at speaking with people,

engaging groups, approaching attractive

strangers, being your most bold and

authentic self on dates, and anything else

you want to excel in will take time.

But the change happens in an instant,

and that instant leads to a series of

change-filled moments. The change

begins the moment you open your mouth

and say something different. The moment

you make the joke, or take the risk to

flirt, or raise your hand to speak up in a

group. The change happens right now. It

doesn’t happen slowly over time. It

occurs right as you do it. And then the

next day, you do something like that

again. You raise your hand again in the

next class. You volunteer to lead the next

team meeting. You walk up to the most

inspiring and powerful person in the

room and you introduce yourself and

start a conversation with them. You

challenge your colleague because you

have a different perspective that you

want to share, even though you feel

intimated. You take action the next day,

and the next, and the next.

In this way, your life is made up of a

series of moments. Each moment is a

choice to be bold and step outside of

your comfort zone. Each is a fork in the

road where you choose the path you are

going to take. When you do this, and you

consistently stay on the path of

confidence, boldness, and courage, then

the bigger changes in your life

circumstances happen with great speed

and swiftness. You achieve what you

want faster than you ever imagined

possible. All because you decided to

change right now.

THE QUEST FOR WHY

The final dream killer I want to uproot is

the quest for “why”. This is the idea that

we need to know why something is

happening before we can change and

solve it. It is actually the basis for much

of the psychotherapy that is still

practiced around the world, which is

based on philosophies pioneered by

Sigmund Freud and others. The idea is

that if you just intellectually knew why

you felt sad, or anxious, or upset, then

these

feelings

would

somehow

magically disappear.

While there can sometimes be a

sense of relief at being able to identify

exactly what you’re feeling in the

moment, and guess as to where it might

be coming from, this by no means

resolves the feelings or helps you take

immediate action to transform your life.

One client of mine was recently

divorced and had spent many years of

life in a dissatisfied marriage, feeling

limited and stuck. Now he was free to

explore, build his confidence, and find

the perfect woman for him. Only he was

terrified to approach and start a

conversation

with

any

woman,

especially one he found attractive. He

imagined she would reject him because

he was not attractive, smooth, or

otherwise good enough.

As we discussed his fears and I

began to help him overcome them, he

kept wanting to discover the big “why”.

“Why am I so scared of women in the

first place? Why do I feel this fear?”

I don’t know, perhaps two years of

psychoanalysis would reveal that his

mother did not treat him with enough

warmth between the ages of two and

three, and so now he is perpetually

imagining all women are harsh rejecting

people, just like he experienced his

mother to be during those formative

years. And maybe that would bring a

surge of confidence and he could easily

start conversations with women and ask

them out. But probably not. And I’ve

actually worked with many people who

have gone through therapy, sometimes as

much as five years of it. They come out

the other side with the same problems.

Same limitations. Same stories. Tons

more insight, but no dates. No action. No

substantial change.

I’m much more interested in doing

whatever works, and preferably as

quickly as possible. So I said this to

him, “Going over to a woman you find

attractive and starting a conversation

with her is like jumping into a swimming

pool. It can be scary to just jump in the

water–what if it’s cold, what if it hurts

when I hit the water? We could sit on the

side of the pool and theorize as to why

you might be afraid to jump in the water

in the first place, but I don’t see how that

will make it any easier to get in there.”

So instead we focused on how to

manage that sensation of fear in his body,

and how to stop running from it. I taught

him how to meet it with self-acceptance

and compassion instead of frustration

and impatience. He then practiced facing

that fear inside of his own body

regularly. Soon he began by getting in the

shallow end. He said “hi” to women as

he walked by them on a busy street. He

gave occasional compliments to women

as they walked by. But he never stopped

and talked with them. This was the

shallow end of the pool, low-risk type

stuff. But it was immediate change.

Feel the feelings, face your fears,

and take action. This is how you will

transform. Sometimes reflecting on

painful experiences from our past,

making sense of them, and healing old

emotional

wounds

is

incredibly

liberating and necessary. But in my

experience that process is less focused

on figuring out the “why” and much more

focused on releasing painful feelings and

negative beliefs.

Having a detailed story about why

you are afraid to do something is the

booby prize. It might be satisfying, but it

doesn’t automatically create the freedom

you want. That is just your mind hoping

for an easy way out. Maybe I can just

figure all of this out in my brain and

then I won’t have to feel any

uncomfortable sensations or face any

fears!

Nope. The only way out is through.

And the only time to go through is now.

LEAPING THROUGH

An extraordinary life awaits you when

you step through your fears and into the

unknown. Prior to meeting me, one of my

clients had lived his life afraid of taking

any steps into the unknown. She did not

even have a clear sense of what

unfortunate and painful experiences

lurked in shadows beyond that door. She

just felt fear, dread, and panic about

making the leap out of her safe place.

One day in a session I asked her,

“What do you imagine will happen if

you take a risk? What are you most

afraid of?”

“I don’t really know,” she replied. “I

feel like I would just fall into an endless

abyss. A scary, dark place that I couldn’t

get out of.”

“It’s true,” I agreed. “You could fall

when you take a leap into the unknown,

towards what you really want.”

She nodded.

“And,” I added, “it’s about a three

foot fall.”

She paused for a moment, lost in her

reverie until my words sunk in. “What?”

she asked.

“It’s about a three foot fall. Into

some mud.”

She looked at me, confused.

“We think it’s an endless abyss. A

pain that will swallow us up and never

end. But that’s not how risks—or life—

work. The reality is that when we fail,

or fall short of our goal, we fall down

into some messy, unpleasant mud. Then

we thrash around until we can figure

things out enough to lurch forward

through the muck. This rough patch of

being in the mud lasts an hour, a day, or

a week, and then we are back up on dry

land. Things get easier again, and you

make it through.”

She had a thoughtful expression on

her face and was nodding slightly. I

could see it was landing well, so I

continued.

“And, now you have a sense of

confidence that you can handle the fall.

That you can navigate the mud. This

gives you more courage and willingness

to leap the next time. And if you are

growing and moving towards what you

really want there will be a next time.

And a time after that. One doorway into

the unknown after another.”

Then her mind was blown and she

went on to earn forty-nine billion dollars

the next year. No, I’m kidding. But she

did make a fundamental shift in our work

together, where she stopped sliding

through life, attempting to dodge all risk.

Instead she began putting herself out

there, step-by-step: at work, in her

romantic life, and in all of her

interactions. This lead to becoming a

leader in her field, and thriving in her

romantic life, which was something that

had eluded her for many years.

What doorway can you leap through?

More precisely, in order to get what you

want, and to create an extraordinary life

that fills you with excitement, pride, and

fulfillment, what doorway must you leap

through? Right now, in this very moment,

you know what it is. Perhaps you need to

start being more direct, honest, and

assertive. Perhaps you need to let your

guard down, reveal more of yourself to

others, and be more vulnerable. Perhaps

you need to create your own business,

change jobs, apply for a new position, or

even change careers. Only you know

what that leap is.

What’s on the other side of the door

excites you, inspires you, and makes you

feel alive. The jump scares you, feels

big,

overwhelming,

or

downright

terrifying. I don’t know what your leap

is, but I do know one thing. The time is

now.

You Can’t Get Out Alive

A teacher and hero of mine, Les Brown,

likes to remind audiences at his talks of

this simple fact about life: “You can’t get

out alive!”

You are going to die. For reals. So

are your parents, your friends, your

colleagues, your customers, your kids,

and your pets. Everyone you know right

now will one day be dead. We hope that

death comes sequentially, to those who

are oldest first, but we all know it

doesn’t always work that way.

The maternity ward where my wife

birthed both of our sons is on the seventh

floor of a children’s hospital in Portland,

Oregon. In the floors below us were sick

children, recovering children, and dying

children. Floor three is the children’s

cancer treatment ward. I accidentally got

off there one day when I was trying to

get back to our room on the top floor.

Yikes.

We all know this, but we often don’t

act like we know this. We act as if we

have forever. We have tomorrow. We

have “someday”. Maybe we do. But

maybe we don’t. Today might be the last

day you see your kids. This morning

might be the last time you say goodbye to

your husband.

An acquaintance of my wife lives in

a nice neighborhood in Portland, with

very little crime. A month ago her

husband went to the store to pick up a

few groceries. As he was exiting the

store and returning to his car, he was

assaulted by two men and one woman.

They shot him, killing him on the spot,

and drove off in his vehicle.

My purpose in sharing this is not to

be morbid, or to induce some sort of

“You have the live every moment like

it’s your last!” frenzy. That level of

pressure can be exhausting. Instead, we

just want to be jolted out of our illusion

that we are guaranteed so much time that

we can put everything that is important

off to another day.

Sooner or later, you are going to die.

Even if you attempt to avoid all risk,

play it safe, and minimize failure and

rejection, you are still going to die.

Given this inevitable end, how do you

want to play the game? What kind of life

do you want to lead? Do you want your

time here to be an adventure, an epic tale

of love and loss, triumph and defeat?

The journey of a hero?

Across all cultures, everyone loves

heroes. They go after great things, fight

for noble causes, and face danger head

on. Can you imagine a movie or novel in

which the main character considered

doing something epic, then decided it

was too scary and stayed inside to watch

TV instead? Then he thought about it

again, felt nervous and full of self-doubt,

and decided it was just too much work.

And then he hung out in his house and

stayed small and safe all month and all

year. And that was the entire book. I

mean, that was the entire book. Not much

of a bestseller blockbuster there. Maybe

an indie film that you’d walk away from

in a sort of hazy stupor…

In any case, you are the director of

your life my friend. You are the writer,

the producer, and the dude who holds the

boom mic. You are in charge of the

entire show and you control your

destiny. Do you want to find true love

and create a lifelong relationship that

just keeps getting better? You can do

that. Do you want to make friends with

amazing, successful people who inspire

you? You can do that as well. Do you

want to earn great amounts of wealth and

enjoy more free time? Also yours for the

creating.

It’s your movie. Design it how you

will. Cast who you want in it. And if you

are determined to do whatever it takes,

you will get there. Once you remove the

layers of excuses and stories, the only

thing stopping you is fear. And if you

take bold action in the face of fear, then

fear will soon have no power over you.

Then it’s just pure action, learning,

growing, making mistakes, and learning

some more. An inevitable path to

success.

And one thing that accelerates this

path is having a fire under your ass.

Healthy Urgency

The sooner you get started, the sooner

you’ll reach your destination. I know, it

sounds pretty stupid-obvious, but we

often don’t act based on this fact. Let’s

say you wanted to drive across the

United States from New York to Los

Angeles. Why you wouldn’t want to fly

and be done with it in five hours, I have

no idea. But let’s say you had to drive

for some reason. Maybe you’re moving

all your worldly possessions in a sole

U-Haul truck.

Assuming you’re not on speed and

looking to break the record of twenty-

nine hours, it will take you about four

days to travel from coast to coast. So

there you are, sitting in your packed up

apartment in New York, about to set off

into the unknown. If today was Monday

and you left right away, you’d get there

by Thursday. But what if you waited for

two days and left on Wednesday? Then

you’d arrive by Saturday, two days later.

What if you waited until next week?

Why would I sit around in my empty

apartment waiting? I’d just get on the

road already! Exactly. This is the kind

of energy you want behind taking action

towards your goals and dreams. Now is

the time. Not next Thursday, not next

year, and good Lord not “someday.” This

is a healthy sense of urgency. When

something is urgent, it means that it is

important and requires swift action. We

must move forward now.

One client of mine was a highly

intelligent, successful doctor. He worked

as a hospitalist and was very capable

and confident in his career. However, he

was not satisfied. He knew his real

passion was in the world of business.

His hero was Elon Musk. He had dozens

of entrepreneurial ideas for products or

programs that could serve the medical

industry and beyond. He had the

intelligence, the skill, and the knowledge

of the field. He was ready. But he just

sat in his empty apartment in NYC,

surrounded by boxes, waiting.

Whenever he came close to diving

in, committing himself, and taking action,

he’d shrink back with one of these

stories or excuses: “Now is not the right

time. Later. Soon. When I move to

Seattle. After I get married. When I have

a better idea.” All of these translated

into one extremely limiting phrase that

he never said directly: “I’ll do it some

time vaguely in the future.”

Our work together was primarily

focused on gaining confidence in dating

and creating lasting relationships. When

he did bring up his business ideas, I was

intrigued and engaged. I was excited to

hear his ideas and discuss an action plan

so he could begin implementing right

away. After the second time we spoke

about it, however, I realized it was not a

current project. It was a “someday”

affair.

Highly successful people have this

sense of urgency, this sense of “let’s take

action on this now.” It’s the opposite of

the extended committee meeting that

spends the entire two hours determining

what they will talk about in their next

meeting. It’s about getting into action

right now, in this very moment. Move the

needle.

Roll

the

ball.

Whatever

metaphor you prefer, just get moving!

There is so much I want to do. I want

to write more, create more, record more.

I want to teach more people, improve the

programs and workshops I lead. I want

to spend more time with my wife and

two small children. I want to train with

the

world’s

most

intelligent

and

successful people. I want to travel,

learn, grow, and have adventures. My

days are full. If there is an important

project, I want to work on it today. Now,

if possible.

Can you feel the energy, power, and

motivation that comes from urgency? It

can fuel you, drive you, and inspire you

to move forward faster. It gives you the

energy you need to take massive action

in the world, and the strength to get back

up when you fall down.

I describe this as “healthy urgency”

because there is an unhealthy sense of

urgency that we can feel from being

stressed out. This happens when we

have more that we want to do than there

is time to do it in. And we are

demanding it all get done now, and if it

doesn’t something terrible will happen.

This leads to stress, impatience,

irritability, and burnout.

You can hold your goals and dreams

with urgency and still live a relaxed,

spacious life. The key is to create

structure and routines that give you

space to slow down and think. On every

work day I take forty minutes to either go

for a walk or a run. This gives me time

to reflect, feel my feelings, look at the

bigger picture, and just breathe some

fresh air. The days I practice this ritual I

experience a healthy sense of urgency to

make the most out of this precious life.

The days I skip the ritual, I feel myself

sliding into agitation, impatience, or

unhealthy urgency. If I don’t get all this

done now, everything’s going to

implode!

What can you focus on to create that

sense of healthy urgency for yourself?

What would you need to remind yourself

of each day? And what daily ritual can

you practice to help you stay relaxed and

grounded as you crush it in life?

MISSION AND PURPOSE

It appears that all humans want to

experience a sense of purpose in their

lives. Other animals don’t seem to have

this gnawing desire, but we sure do. If

our lives and activities don’t feel guided

toward something meaningful to us, we

soon begin to lose interest, passion, and

hope.

Some people deal with this by trying

to numb themselves. After working all

day at a boring job they don’t like, they

immerse themselves in alcohol, video

games, or television. Others become

bitter or cynical, ridiculing anyone or

anything that seems to be vibrant, alive,

and hopeful. And still others look for a

way out, but are afraid to take any risks,

so they view the freedom and purpose of

others through a thick wall of glass,

aching with desire and envy for the

things they cannot touch or be a part of.

And some people step up.

I had a conversation with a man one

time who was struggling to find a sense

of purpose in his life. He was successful

in his career, but it didn’t challenge to

him enough. His marriage was crumbling

and he was on the fast track to divorce.

“I spend hours thinking about it,” he said

to me. “I just have no idea what my

purpose is. I don’t know why I’m here,

ya know?”

Why we are here is a big mystery

that I would not be so presumptuous as

to have a simple answer to. We are

barely skimming the surface of the

massive universe of galaxies all around

us, as well as the infinite microscopic

world of particles. It is a vast,

expansive, grand mystery.

But I do know that we as individuals

need to feel some sense of meaning or

purpose. A sense of purpose is essential

to

feeling

energized,

alive,

and

optimistic. So I asked him, “What have

you come up with in your inquiry?”

“That’s the thing,” he sighed, as if

he’d said this many times before, “I just

don’t know. I thought about travelling

and just exploring the world. I thought

about helping people like you do. I even

thought about starting my own company.

I have so many ideas. I just don’t know

which one is my purpose. Which one I’m

supposed to do.”

Supposed to? Sounds like an

external frame to me. As if there is

someone out there who knows what the

“right” thing is for this man. He was

hoping for a simple answer, for someone

to just tell him so he could relax and be

done with it. I did no such thing.

“It sounds like you have a lot of

good ideas,” I began. “A number of

things that you are drawn to. And you

seem like you are waiting to get some

sign about which one is the right

choice.”

“Exactly.”

He

said,

seemingly

relieved that someone understood his

predicament.

“Well it seems natural for you to be

questioning your purpose in life after the

end of your marriage. That is a common

form of grieving, letting go, and

growing.

“I personally don’t believe we have

a single purpose. We are far too complex

creatures for that. Instead, I believe we

have multiple purposes at different times

in our lives. Different missions we are

here to carry out.

“For example one of my purposes is

Mass Liberation. I’m here to help as

many people as possible liberate

themselves from fear, self-doubt, and

any other anxiety that stops them from

being their authentic, free, powerful

selves. I’m also here to be a loving and

present father to my two sons. To

support them, guide them, learn from

them, and teach them as they grow into

powerful leaders themselves. I have

other missions too.”

“Hmm,” he said, taking it all in. “But

how did you know those were your

purposes?”

“That’s another myth that trips

people up. It’s this idea that we are

somehow supposed to know our purpose

from the beginning and just move right

toward it. Perhaps some people are that

way—they know at age six that they are

going to be a mechanic, or a surgeon—

and they follow that path their entire life.

“I certainly wasn’t that way. I think

it’s a much messier process of step-by-

step exploration. Each step of the way, I

moved towards what made me feel more

alive and engaged. This often involved

taking a risk or stepping through my

fears. Back in college I switched from

studying

computer

science

to

psychology. I was two-and-a-half years

into my bachelor of science when I

decided to switch. My computer science

buddies at the time were shocked. ‘But

you’ve put so much time in,’ they

exclaimed. ‘What will you do?’

“I didn’t know. I just knew I was not

prepared to spend my life in a cubicle. I

knew it wasn’t right for me. So I took a

big, scary step into the unknown. And I

fumbled around for a while, feeling like

I was falling, trying different things.

Geography. That’s interesting, maybe

I’ll try that. So I sat in on an upper level

Geography class. There, in an overly

warm, under-ventilated room I stared at

an ancient projector showing slides of

city zoning grids. Good God. Geography

wasn’t it.

“I kept exploring until I stumbled

into an introductory Psychology course.

It was fascinating. I loved learning about

all the experiments, the way people

thought, and the earliest forms of

marketing psychology. I had no idea

what I would do with a humanities

major, but I felt engaged and alive, so I

took that step.”

To discover your purpose(s), you

must take action. You must let go of old,

familiar, safe, and stifling situations and

step into the unknown. Try something out

for a while, see how it affects you. Do

you feel more alive, and more energized

as you move towards it? If so, take the

next step. If not, move on to something

else.

If you are unsure, take a day and

reflect on all the options you are

considering. Go for a long walk and

hold each option in your mind, noticing

how you feel about it. We are guided by

our emotions more than anything else.

Decide. Then take action. If you want to

travel, begin making a list of places you

want to visit and things you want to

experience. Hell, maybe even pick the

time, put it on your calendar, and book a

flight. If helping people is your goal,

then think about how you would like to

do that. Be guided by what sounds

inspiring and makes you feel alive.

Maybe it’s helping kids, or mentoring

someone at work, or volunteering for

some cause you care about. Then sign up

for something, schedule something, do

something.

Your unique purposes are like bright

red apples growing on a tree. You are a

little inchworm beginning your trek to

the apples at the trunk. You work your

way up to where all the branches fork

out in different directions. Which one

has an apple at the end? You don’t know.

So you pick one and start inching down

it. Step-by-step. Soon you will hit

another fork, then another, as the branch

gets smaller and smaller. You won’t

know until you get there if there’s an

apple at the end of the path you’ve

chosen. If not, that’s ok. You have all the

time in the world. So you inch back and

choose a different path. Sometimes the

apple is the reward, and sometimes it

just feels good to be making progress

down a path and eliminating options.

What are you here to do? What paths

can you explore to increase your sense

of mission and purpose?

Sometimes we think purpose comes

from a dramatic shift. We have to leave

our jobs, end relationships, or move to a

different city. While that might be the

case, they’re by no means the first

options I would consider. Instead, I’d be

curious about what situations you are

shying away from right now in your

current world. Where are you avoiding,

playing small, and hiding? If you were

going to play bigger, be bolder, and love

more fully, what would you do?

Many times, experiencing a lack of

purpose in your career or a relationship

is not the result of being on the wrong

path. Instead, it’s usually the result of

questing for comfort along that path,

which has strangled the joy and

excitement right out of it.

What would scare you in your

career? What goal or project makes your

stomach lurch? What seems impossible

or unreasonable? What conversation

would make you uncomfortable in your

relationship? What do you avoid talking

about because it’s scary? What do you

really want to ask, to share with, and to

reveal to your partner? If you’re feeling

nervous, you’re on the right track.

Because fear and purpose go hand in

hand. Your mission involves facing those

perceived dangers, and taking those

risks. Being as safe as possible and

minimizing all discomfort is not a

mission. It will not lead to a sense of

purpose,

passion,

confidence,

or

fulfillment. Let fear guide you. Let it be

an invitation. Take a bold step into the

unknown.

THIS MOMENT

Regardless of what your missions are,

how successful you might be, and how

much love you have in your life, there is

one thing that determines how confident

and fulfilled you feel: this moment.

All of your actions are going to

occur in this moment. All of your

feelings and thoughts and desires are

happening right now. Everything you are

experiencing is happening right now.

We can spend so much time mentally

time travelling to the past or the future,

that we forget those mental experiences

are not real. They are movies we play in

our minds, much like the blockbusters

you see in the cinema. As you watch

those films, you are not in outer space,

or the desert, or wherever else the

movie is taking place. You are right

there in the seat, shoving handfuls of

your wife’s homemade popcorn that you

snuck in because it tastes way better than

that dry theater junk.

The same is true for our mental

projections, except we often forget this.

We imagine a painful moment in the

future, when something bad happens, or

we experience an inconvenience or

rejection, and we fully buy into it. It’s as

if we scream in the theater, “Oh my God!

There are aliens in here!”

We tense up, flood our body with

stress hormones, and prepare to deal

with the painful events. We live them

out, feeling all the pain, fear, and

distress of that moment. Only it’s not

real. It’s a prediction. It’s a fantasy.

Extraordinary confidence resides in

this moment right now. Planning and

envisioning an inspiring future can be

great. Reflecting on past times and old

memories can bring depth and meaning

in our lives. But the habitual, and

addictive obsession with events in the

future, and the repetitive re-livings of the

past, do not serve us. They rob us of

confidence and joy, leaving us stressed

and depressed, even if this very moment

is beautiful.

When you notice your mind is in the

future, buzzing like a fly hitting its head

against the window, smile. Take a breath

in and feel it. Feel your feet on the floor.

Bring your awareness to your senses, the

colors you see, and the sounds you hear.

This is what is happening now. You can

handle now. When you get to any event

in the future, it will be now, and you can

handle that too.

Most of the time we flit off to revisit

the past or imagine the future to avoid

some uncomfortable feeling or sensation

in the present. Whether it’s a stressful

workload, physical pain, or the ache of

loss, our minds would much rather

watch a future movie, even if it’s scary.

Hell, the scarier the better, because then

it’s absorbing enough to distract us from

those damned uncomfortable feelings.

Slow down. Breathe. It’s okay to

feel. You can handle any feeling if you

don’t fight it, don’t analyze how to get

rid of it, and don’t resist it. Just

surrender to it. Let it move and expand

and grow inside you. Let it twist and

churn and burn. Let it move and flow and

burn itself out.

And there you are. Watching it the

whole time. Loving it. Noticing your

breathing, your feet on the floor, the

world around you. Right here in this

slow, rhythmic, eternal now. Feelings

arise, peak, and subside. Situations and

events

begin,

peak,

and

end.

Relationships

start,

continue,

then

conclude. People are born, they love,

they die.

Whatever it is you want to achieve

or experience in your life, think about it

now.

Success,

adventures,

money,

relationships, love, power, material

possessions. Whatever it is you want,

bring it to mind now. Now imagine

getting it, experiencing it, achieving it.

You did it! You found the love of your

life. You became a manager or an

executive. You created your own

successful business. You earned a

million dollars, purchased a house, and

bought your mom a car. You did it.

How would you feel after? Proud?

Victorious? Like a success? Worthy?

Able to finally relax? Feel what it would

feel like to achieve everything you

wanted. Let yourself bask in this victory.

You already are all of these things.

You can feel proud, victorious, and

successful in this moment. You are

worthy. You are enough. Can you feel the

relief that comes from knowing you are

already there? You don’t need to do

anything, achieve anything, or get

anything to feel worthy, lovable,

valuable, and significant. You matter

because you exist. You are lovable

because you are alive. All you need is

within you now. I love you.

THIS GIFT

Life is a gift.

Yes, it’s hard. It’s full of pain. Each

of us will experience physical pain,

sickness, loss, and the death of those we

love.

Last night I was up forty-two times

because our two young children were

sick and would alternate waking up,

screaming (I got off easy, my wife woke

up 814 times). They were experiencing

so

much

physical

pain.

I

was

experiencing emotional pain and fatigue.

It was hard. Life is full of these hard

moments.

And it’s a gift.

From who knows where and who

knows how, you exist on this planet. You

have eyes that see and ears that hear.

You are surrounded by green, blue, and

white: forest, clouds, and sky. You have

the

most

advanced

and

complex

supercomputer in the known universe

operating between your ears. You can

run, dance, sing, and shimmy. You are a

spark of life, of energy.

What a crazy, mysterious game we

find ourselves in. The rules are vague,

the outcome uncertain. How do you want

to play? What do you want to create?

How much love do you want to give?

How much do you want to let in?

This gift is not like free passes to the

movies, or a bag of your favorite candy.

Rather, it’s more like a guitar or a

skateboard. The former provides instant

entertainment and pleasure. Nothing to

do on your part but sit down, open your

mouth and enjoy. No effort, no

discomfort. Easy. The latter is exciting

when you first receive it, but then you

soon find it’s not so easy or immediately

pleasurable. When you first learn to play

the guitar, it’s difficult, uncomfortable,

and sounds pretty bad. I have yet to learn

how to skateboard, but the few times I

tried, I fell off and landed on pavement.

Also hard.

But what happens when we stick

with it and keep persisting, despite the

challenge of learning something new, of

making mistakes, and of falling? Pushing

through the discomfort, we experience a

new world of beauty and joy. The sweet

melody of the guitar fills our hearts, and

it is that much sweeter because it is our

fingers plucking the strings that make the

music. The rush of skating down a hill

and feeling the wind in your face as you

fly past cars and lawns fills you with

excitement and elation. You earned these

pleasures.

Life is the kind of gift that requires

effort to enjoy. To live an extraordinary

life requires a commitment to mastery of

all areas that are important to you:

health, relationships, love, finances,

career, family, and anything else that

really matters. Once you’ve made this

commitment and choose to go down this

path, your life is never the same again.

My brother is an avid backpacker.

He is continually drawn to the mountains

and rivers of the Sierras, finding a sense

of peace and solace in the vast expanses

of untamed wilderness. I have been out

to the mountains a number of times with

him, and he has a saying that I’ve always

found profound, even though it’s not

meant to be. When we are hiking down a

trail and there is a fork, and we are

unable to determine which way to go

based on our maps or any other forms of

guidance, we must make a choice. In

those instances he likes to say, “When

there’s a fork in the road, take the path

that goes uphill.”

A life of extraordinary confidence is

the uphill path. It challenges you, tests

you, scares you, and forces you to grow.

As you climb higher and higher, you are

rewarded

with

experiences,

relationships,

opportunities,

wealth,

power, and love. You are able to see

more and more of the world around you,

liberated from painful fear, limitation,

and self-loathing. The higher you climb,

the better it gets.

I, of course, am at the peak of the

highest mountain– the beacon of

unlimited confidence. No, I’m kidding, I

don’t know where the hell I am.

Somewhere on that path, just like you,

taking one step at a time. I do know that I

can recognize others who are climbing

as well. There is a vibrancy, an energy,

an aliveness to them. They are engaged

in life; their eyes are wide with all there

is to see.

If you are reading this book and you

have made it all the way to the end, you

are most certainly on this path. Even

more likely, you have been growing for

years and will continue to do so for the

rest of your life.

One day I hope to meet you on the

trail. We might stop and talk, or simply

share a nod of recognition between one

extraordinary human being and another.

ABOUT THE

AUTHOR

Dr. Aziz is a psychologist, author,

and coach who is internationally known

as the world’s leading expert on

confidence. Through his coaching,

books, videos, and online media, he has

helped thousands of people break

through shyness, social anxiety, and self-

doubt to create richer, happier, more

confident lives.

What is most remarkable about Dr.

Aziz is his own personal struggle with

self-doubt and social anxiety. After

reaching a low point in his own life, he

made a powerful decision to do

whatever it would take to get the

confidence he always wanted. This lead

to a passionate pursuit of studying

confidence from every source, including

books, audio programs, seminars, and a

doctorate degree in clinical psychology

from

Stanford

and

Palo

Alto

Universities.

Dr. Aziz is the author of the best

selling book, The Solution To Social

Anxiety, as well as over a dozen e-

books, including 5 Steps To Unleash

Your Inner Confidence. He is the host of

the podcast, “Shrink For The Shy Guy”,

and the YouTube show, “The Art Of

Extraordinary Confidence”. Dr. Aziz is

most passionate about his direct work

with individuals and groups in coaching

programs and weekend seminars. To find

out more about all of the resources Dr.

Aziz

offers,

go

to,

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com.

Dr. Aziz lives in Portland, Oregon

with his wife and two boys. To find out

more about his personal story and

inspiring journey to confidence, visit the

About section of the website listed

above.

ADDITIONAL

RESOURCES

Books

5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner

Confidence

This e-book contains powerful and

proven techniques used by the world’s

top psychologists and coaches to help

you overcome your fears and self-

doubts. Whatever area your lack of

confidence is impacting, this e-book can

help you. It gives you the basic tools and

strategies you need to start mastering

your confidence today.

To download your free copy today, go

to, http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com

The Solution To Social Anxiety

In this inspiring, breakthrough book, Dr.

Aziz guides you on the path out of social

anxiety into lasting confidence. You will

discover why you feel anxious around

others, and the exact steps you need to

take to develop social confidence in all

areas of your life.

To

get

your

copy

today,

visit,

http://SocialAnxietySolution.com

Confidence Training

Programs

The Confidence Unleashed System

In Dr. Aziz’s complete confidence

system you will discover the world’s

most powerful tools for overcoming fear

and anxiety, eliminating self-doubt, and

taking bold action in the world.

Discover how to boldly speak up at

work, confidently approach attractive

strangers, and be the most powerful and

confident version of yourself in dating,

business, and your social life.

To

learn

more,

visit,

http://ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com

The Confidence Code

In this program, you will discover

exactly how to unlock your social skills

and conversation mastery. Learn how to

feel relaxed talking with anyone, always

know what to say next, create engaging

and memorable conversations, and join

group conversations. The more you

master

conversations,

the

more

successful you can become.

To

learn

more,

visit,

http://YourConfidenceCode.com

30 Days To Dating Mastery

This step-by-step program will help you

take you from feeling stuck and shy with

women to a place of bold confidence

and freedom. Through daily Strategy

Sessions you will discover how to see

yourself

as

attractive,

overcome

approach

anxiety,

confidently

ask

women out and get dates, and really

enjoy dating and connecting with

women. Each day you have a specific

Mission which helps you take action and

rapidly build confidence so you can start

getting dates and attract the woman

you’ve always wanted.

To

learn

more,

visit,

http://30DaysToDatingMastery.com

Coaching Programs and

LIVE Seminars

Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind

Program

This is an exclusive 1-year program that

is limited to a small number of people. It

includes weekly group coaching calls

with Dr. Aziz, private 1-on-1 sessions,

access to Dr. Aziz’s Confidence Library,

and VIP passes to all his LIVE seminars.

To

learn

more,

visit,

http://ConfidenceUnleashedNow.com/mastermind Supremely Confident Conversation

Master Weekend Intensive

In this 3-day event you will master your

ability to comfortably and confidently

talk with anyone. You will discover how

to easily start conversations with anyone

in a completely relaxed way, always

know what to say next to keep the

conversation going, and become more

dynamic, charismatic and engaging.

Most importantly, you will learn how to

comfortably be your authentic self so

you can enjoy connecting with others at

work, in dating, relationships, and life.

To

learn

more,

visit,

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com/Events Unlimited

Dating

Confidence

Bootcamp

In this 3-day immersion event, join with

Dr. Aziz to radically increase your

confidence in your dating life. Through

exercises, coaching, and taking action in

the world, you will discover how to

confidently approach women, start

conversations, and get numbers and

dates. You will also learn how to

eliminate your fear of rejection and

create fun, exciting relationships by

being your authentic self (without any

weird “pick-up artists” tricks).

To

learn

more,

visit,

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com/Events

The

Ultimate

Confidence

Breakthrough Weekend Intensive

Join Dr. Aziz in a life-changing 3-day

LIVE event where you will discover

how to instantly activate feelings of

power and confidence so you can handle

any situation in your life. You will also

learn how to rapidly eliminate fear,

social anxiety, and self-doubt so you feel

comfortable in your own skin no matter

what, and finally stop worrying about

what others think of you once and for all.

People leave this event feeling more

bold, free, and powerful than ever

before.

To

learn

more,

visit

http://SocialConfidenceCenter.com/Events

Document Outline

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Also By Dr. Aziz Gazipura

Table of Contents

Foreword

Preface

Chapter I. Step Up

Chapter II. Excuses

Chapter III. Stories

Chapter IV. Fear

Chapter V. Action

Chapter VI. Money

Chapter VII. Love

Chapter VIII. Asking

Chapter IX. Power

Chapter X. Now

About The Author

Additional Resources