RAISING TEENS
TODAY

Dealing with sex, drugs & homework

Ian Lambie & Les Simmonds

Foreword

‘… would there were no age between ten and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep out the rest; for there is nothing in the between but getting wenches with child, wronging the ancientry, stealing, fighting …’

Shakespeare, The Winter’s Tale, Act III, Scene III

Teenagers are almost a different species of human being. They are not ‘junior adults’. Developmentally, they are a work in progress. Recent research, particularly from the United States, based on MRI scanning of the brain shows that the frontal lobe (which deals with decision making, common sense, wisdom and logic) undergoes a second growth stage beginning at about age 15. This developmental and pruning stage may not be completed until the mid-twenties. Such research simply confirms what we have known instinctively for centuries: adolescence is a volatile stage and dealing with teenagers is challenging and demanding work. Shakespeare was right.

From my privileged position in a front-row seat in the Youth Court of New Zealand I can closely observe, and hopefully play a part in, the rehabilitation of some of the country’s most serious young teenage offenders. About 6,000 young people appear before the Youth Court every year. The number has slowly declined over the last couple of years as youth apprehensions continue to drop. Nevertheless young offenders display some very similar characteristics.

About 83% are male, although the number of young women who offend, especially violently, is increasing. Many, estimated up to 70–80%, have drug and alcohol problems; most, up to 70%, are not engaged with school or meaningfully involved in any form of education; many have some form of psychological disorder, especially conduct disorder, and they display little remorse, let alone any victim empathy; many have a history of abuse and neglect and previous involvement with Child, Youth and Family Services; and there is a unacceptably disproportionate rate of Maori apprehensions — on average about 50% of all youth offenders.

There is also one other significant and recurring theme among young offenders: and that is the lack of loving, stable, firm and consistent parental support. So many of the young offenders I see come from environments of family abuse, transience and dislocation. Indeed, among the so-called ‘big four risk factors’ for young people, first and foremost is family disadvantage and dysfunction.

Yet if my experience in the Youth Court teaches me anything it is that not only is family stability so vital but that no family is immune from the challenges presented by teenagers. Teenagers are not puppets and every parent will face times of real desperation as we undertake the task of assisting children to gradually become adults. All of us who are parents need help in this difficult and challenging job. I certainly cannot claim expertise in this field. Indeed I am acutely aware of the need for good advice and input in dealing with my own teenagers. Children are a gift and a great blessing for all of us. And we can all learn to be better parents. With this in mind I think all of us will find this book of real assistance.

The initial chapters dealing with adolescent brain development, the paths of parenting and family dynamics lay a very helpful theoretical framework. I particularly like the ‘tips’ in every chapter and the encouragement to build strong family dynamics and to encourage better communication skills. And there is surely not a parent in New Zealand who will not appreciate the frank discussions about alcohol and drugs, sex, the internet, depression and suicide, and eating issues. Moreover single parenting is an increasingly common phenomenon in New Zealand and the helpful discussion of common traps and practical approaches to discipline will be reassuring to many who shoulder the burden of parenting alone.

In short, I doubt whether there is a parent in New Zealand who would not benefit from the principles which are reinforced in this book and who would not be assisted by the practical tips, wisdom and insight that the authors provide for us as parents of teenagers. Parenting remains arguably the number one challenge that most adults will ever face and for which we are still the least prepared and trained to undertake.

From where I sit, it seems that there is virtually nothing more important to our communities than building stable and nurturing families and raising balanced and mature teenagers. I applaud the authors of this helpful book for tackling head on what many have called ‘the white water rafting years’ and for providing such practical, frank and common sense advice.

Andrew Becroft,

Principal Youth Court Judge

To my mother who showed me what courage means, the importance of perseverance and how to love. To my father whom I never met but who gave me my passion for the outdoors and whose spirit lives on in me. And to John who taught me to never to stop believing in myself and who knew that all this was possible.

— Ian Lambie

This book is dedicated to my parents, Ann and Fred Simmonds, who grew up in impoverished circumstances and had few role models to help them negotiate raising children and adolescents. With this in mind, they did a great job in raising this difficult teenager and their love and warmth has been, and will continue to be, a beacon in my life.

— Les Simmonds 

Introduction

The children of today are tyrants. They talk back to their elders, slobber their food and annoy their teachers.

Socrates (469–399BC)

There are a number of children running about the streets of Dunedin … without the control of parents. If the government does not take them in hand … they will become … members of a criminal class.

Otago Daily Times, 1884

Who’s afraid of the big bad teenagers … oh no, no, not me!

Many parents feel anxious about coping with their children’s teenage years. In fact, many parents feel anxious about being a parent full stop! The first thing to know is that this is normal, and it’s also normal to doubt yourself as a parent at some stage.

Even when your kids are in their thirties it’s likely you will still worry about them (though hopefully less!). But as we all know, the teenage years are something a bit different. It’s not surprising that we worry about these years given all the horror stories we hear. Other parents warn us of previously docile and compliant children who appear to have undergone a personality change overnight and turned into something like mini-psychopaths — becoming sullen, rebellious and moody. There are regular reports in the news of adolescent sex, drug-taking, alcohol consumption and violence, while rates of youth suicide, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and road accidents also feature frequently. Even if you haven’t been overwhelmed by all the horror stories, you are likely to be facing your child’s adolescence with mixed feelings. Adolescence is often a challenging time for both parents and teenagers. However, you can plan to meet these challenges with information and confidence.

Despite rumours to the contrary, adolescence is also a stage in their children’s lives that many parents enjoy — at least part of the time. It can be very satisfying to watch your child develop into a young adult, with his or her own special personality and behaviours. It can be fun to do things together while enjoying a more equal relationship.

This book is designed to help you enjoy your children’s teenage years more, while feeling better prepared to cope with any problems that might arise. The teenage years need not be all doom and gloom — the majority of teenagers come through unscathed and go on to live healthy and productive lives. If you’re unconvinced about this, we suggest you think about your own teenage years and those of the people around you, and see what you come up with.

This is first and foremost a book for parents — both those who have adolescents and those who are preparing for the future. But it is also for all the other people who are involved in bringing up teenagers, such as grandparents, step-parents, teachers and counsellors — in fact, anyone who is seeking to understand teenagers better, and to respond to them in more constructive ways.

This is not a book about theory. Although it is underpinned by educational and psychological expertise, the focus is on information and practical ideas that parents have found useful. We have drawn these ideas from our own families, and from our experiences as counsellors working with teenagers and their families.

We have also done something that is perhaps a little different in the process of writing the book — we have sought feedback from teenagers themselves, asking for their opinions about what we have written and whether it was a load of bollocks. One of the big criticisms commonly expressed by teenagers is that they have little input into what adults decide for them. They are taken out of the consultation process. Well, we wanted to get their input, and asked them to tell us if they thought what we were saying was naff or on the mark. We hope this adds a special dimension to the book.

To help readers implement the ideas in the book, we have included lots of examples based on real-life experiences. Only the names and any details that might identify the families concerned have been changed. The suggestions described have worked for many parents who had fears and concerns about their adolescent children, and they can also work for you.

So what does the book offer?

Throughout the book, we provide:

practical ideas for dealing with common adolescent problems;

examples of success stories, provided by parents;

help to distinguish between normal and problem behaviours;

ideas for improving communication between parents and teenagers;

suggestions for creating the type of relationship you want with your children, both now and in the future;

encouragement for parents who are feeling stressed or overwhelmed;

advice about taking care of yourself and getting the support you need;

ways to avoid problems and negotiate difficult issues;

hope for the future.

Teen Tip

‘Don’t freak out, a year of your teen going slightly off the rails will not make them a bad person for the rest of their lives.’

CHAPTER 1

What
is
adolescence?

It’s normal!

Adolescence is, of course, a normal stage of development. Despite all those horror stories, adolescence does not strike from nowhere like a bolt of lightning. Children do not suddenly overdose on hormones and turn into aliens overnight. They are the same young people that they always have been, but they are now struggling to cope with growth spurts, sexual development, and mood swings, which probably alarm them as much as their parents. Many of them do go through some sort of personality change as they grow, develop their sense of independence from you and form closer, deeper relationships with their peers.

Adolescence does not strike from nowhere like a bolt of lightning

The bad news is that the rate and extent of growth and development at adolescence make these particularly challenging years for teenagers and parents alike. The good news is that you have already taught them many skills that will help them through these challenging years. And the really good news is that both parents and adolescents can learn the additional skills they need to cope with the challenges. This can be a time of growth and development for parents as well as teenagers.

Hormones: ‘a bungy jump into adolescence’

Growth and development do not begin or end with adolescence, but they do streak ahead at this stage. Hormonal changes are responsible for the rapid growth spurts and the increased appetites that threaten to blow the family budget for food and clothing. Hormones are also responsible for sexual development and, to some extent, for fluctuating moods. Sometimes dramatic changes in appearance can occur in a short time, with the inevitable self-consciousness and concern about body image and spotty complexions.

Children are sponges and they soak up both the good and not-so-good messages we pass on to them

Puberty is the greatest period of sexual differentiation since prenatal (prebirth) life. We need to remember that no two children are the same, that they go through puberty at different rates, and that heredity contributes significantly to the timing of puberty. Other things that are likely to contribute to the onset of puberty include nutrition and exercise. Some children may show signs at 9 or 10 years old, while others may not show any signs until the age of 15. Whatever the age at which they first show signs of puberty, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is how you respond to it and talk about the changes they are undergoing. Let’s face it, dealing with your first period or wet dream, or watching pubic hair start to form on your body, can be a scary experience. As parents we need to treat these experiences as normal and not to freak out! Remember, children are sponges and they soak up both the good and the less good messages we pass on to them — this includes our laughter and jokes, but also our anxieties and fears!

The brain is not what we once thought it was

This is not a lesson in neuroanatomy or neurophysiology, but there are some important principles that as a parent you need to be aware of. The first is that teenage brains are not adult brains, and nor are they child brains. Yes, they are different, and it is only now that we are learning just how different they are. This information is new, only emerging in the last five years. As parents we need to keep it in mind when we interact with our teenagers.

The part of the brain that is used to make decisions that are thought through, as opposed to impulsive and rash — planning, multi-tasking, setting priorities, organising thoughts, suppressing impulses, weighing the consequences of one’s actions — is what’s known as the prefrontal cortex — i.e., the front part of the brain.

We now know that the prefrontal cortex continues to develop until our mid-twenties. It’s this fact that leads some people to believe that both the driving age and the legal age for drinking alcohol should be increased. While it’s true that teenagers may have quicker reaction times than their ageing parents, the fact of the matter is that they are less able to focus and their attention is more easily diverted by mates in other cars, and attractive beings on the footpath! This is where the amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for emotions) may kick in and take over from the prefrontal cortex. Unfortunately, this can result in tragedyif there is a car accident.

As parents we need to give adolescents responsibilities that will help their prefrontal cortexes to develop. At the same time, when problems arise and they screw up, it’s important not to give up on them. David Walsh’s Why do they act that way? A survival guide to the adolescent brain for you and your teen is a useful reference.

The tasks of the adolescent

Both parents and adolescents face certain tasks in successfully negotiating the teenage years. In the following chapters, we look at how these can be approached. But first we need to identify just what these tasks are.

Establishing a separate identity

One of the most important questions adolescents face is: ‘Who am I?’ This can be broken down into other questions, such as: How am I different from other people? What sort of a person am I? What do I believe? What are my values and priorities in life? What are my goals? What sort of people do I choose for my friends? What is important to me? What should I be? What is expected of me versus what do people want of me? (This is a dilemma that often creates conflict; we’ll talk about it more in Chapter 2.) What is expected of me by my parents and by my friends?

To some extent we all face questions about our identity throughout our lives, but these questions are highlighted during adolescence. This is not surprising, for a number of reasons, such as:

rapid changes in appearance and their effect on self-image;

pressures to achieve at school and to plan a career path;

exposure to new ideas and activities;

numerous choices regarding issues as diverse as friends, school subjects, clothing, hairstyles and leisure activities;

the shift from dependence towards independence;

fitting in with what is expected by family, friends and siblings;

conforming to social expectations.

Experimenting with new ideas

In order to establish their identities, adolescents experiment with new ideas and behaviours. Some of these experiments may surprise or concern you. In a way, doing something that parents wouldn’t do is often the whole point of the exercise: how do you create an identity separate from your parents’ unless you try out some different ideas and behaviours? So if, for example, pink hair or body-piercing are not your thing, it might be useful to think of them as normal and temporary steps towards achieving this important task. After all, if they don’t pose any serious risk to life, health or values then what is the problem?

Many behaviours like these are abandoned when adolescents decide that they don’t really fit with their ideas about who they are. The important thing is that they have had a chance to try out something and to learn from their experience. As a parent, it’s really important to remember that despite the fact that you might want to try and control everything your child does or is affected by, it is not possible to do so and you need to ‘let go’, though this is often easier said than done!

Learning from mistakes

Sometimes learning from experience means learning from mistakes. On the positive side, mistakes provide good learning experiences. We all learn much more from personal experience and making mistakes than we could ever hope to learn from good advice. It is important for us as parents to acknowledge when we have stuffed up and made mistakes. If it is something that has a direct impact on our child then we must acknowledge our mistake to them and apologise. This is something that is very hard for many parents to do — in part because of the way they were brought up, and the fact that their parents never did this withthem. There are many unhelpful dynamics in families which are never spoken about — the proverbial ‘elephant in the room’. An example might be an adolescent who has an eating disorder, or an adult who is a workaholic or drinks excessively.

Adolescents are like apprentices preparing for adulthood. They need help and guidance, but they also need lots of opportunities to do things for themselves, and the freedom to make mistakes in an environment that is as safe as possible — both emotionally safe from destructive criticism, and physically safe from danger to themselves or others.

Taking risks

Taking risks is also a normal part of adolescence, although sometimesexperimenting with new behaviours involves more serious risks. In a way, we take risks every time we do something that is new or different. Adolescents need to take these kinds of risks as part of sorting out their identity. Adolescents are also exposed to new risks because of the stage of development they have reached — risks associated with cars, bikes, sex, drugs and alcohol, for example.

It is impossible for parents to protect their children from all the risks they might face in life, but sometimes we need to create boundaries about what is and is not allowed. Being aware of at least some of the risks to which their teenage sons and daughters are exposed, and knowing how and when to intervene to minimisethese risks, are among the biggest challenges faced by parents. For this reason, we have devoted a chapter of the book to risks and risk-taking.

Taking risks is a normal part of adolescence

Taking on new responsibilities

Another task faced by adolescents is to learn to take more responsibility for themselves and to rely less on others. This involves learning new skills and new attitudes. The attitude change involves learning to take responsibility for tasks that were previously done by someone else. Learning the skills for performing these tasks is the next stage. Combined, they help the adolescent achieve another important task: that of becoming less dependent and more independent.

Developing new relationships

Adolescence is perhaps best characterised by a change in the relationshipbetween parent and child. The renegotiating of responsibilities is one example of this. With increased responsibility goes increased freedom and a shift away from dependence. With each of these changes, there is a trend towards a more equal relationship between parent and child. Not surprisingly, such major changes rarely proceed smoothly, and they often create tension between parents and teenagers.

Another task of adolescence is to establish stronger relationships with peers. This is one of the key aspects of this developmental period. The need to identify with a peer group leads to pressures to fit a certain mould and behave in a certain way. Often these pressures relate to relatively harmless activities, such as the choice of clothes or music, but sometimes serious risks are involved. Knowing when, and how, to take a stand against peer pressure can be very difficult for some teenagers, and it is an area where they may need your help and guidance.

Inevitably the development of peer relationships includes learning to cope with sexual attraction and with relationships where sex is an issue. This is likely to be associated with extremes of emotion, ranging from excitement to anxiety, from elation to despair and feelings of rejection.

Preparing for the future

Adolescents face enormous pressures to achieve at school and to prepare themselves for a future career. School can be very stressful, and homework often places heavy demands on teenagers’ leisure time. They need to learn to juggle competing demands on their time, and to cope with the need to put in longer periods of effort before any rewards are evident. This may lead them to procrastinate — particularly where school work is concerned. Learning to delay gratification is one of the most important challenges of adolescence.

Ideally the family home will be a place where they feel welcome, secure and accepted — warts and all

The tasks of the parent

Providing a secure base

Adolescents are experimenting with increased freedom, new ideas, and new behaviours. To do this, they need a secure base from which to take up these challenges, one that provides a refuge when the challenges become too difficult or they are hurt. Ideally the family home will be a place where they feelwelcome, secure and accepted — warts and all.

Providing guidance and firm limits

Parents should also provide teenagers with the security of clear guidelines and effective limits. Part of their children’s security will depend on having a map to help them negotiate the new territory they are entering. They also need to know that there is at least one caring adult there to keep them on track and to help them find their way. In practice this means always knowing where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. When families are stressed, this may be someone in the extended family or a family friend. Sometimes a little breathing space is needed in the relationship between the child and parent.

This task means providing clear guidelines for coping with issues such as alcohol, drugs, unwanted sexual advances, and drunken drivers. It means having rules about issues such as what time they are due home, and known consequences in place if these rules are broken.

For some young people, having too much freedom can be scary, and leave them without the security they need. Boundaries and expectations are important. Sometimes disappointment is worse than a parent’s anger, which often just causes rebellion. Remember that boundaries and expectations should be known and made clear to the young person. For example, if you want them to be home by midnight, they need to stick to this and know that if they don’t there will be consequences such as not being allowed to borrow the car — or not being able to go out with their friends on Saturday night if they have failed to complete a bigschool assignment.

The big thing for a parent is being wise enough to choose your battles.

Acting with confidence

The challenges posed by an adolescent may regularly tempt you to lose faith in your parenting skills. Both their words and their behaviour may send you the message that you don’t know what you’re doing. It is important to give yourself credit for doing your best, because it may be some time before this is fully appreciated by your children. Remember that your partner and/or your closest friends and family members are the greatest supports you have. It is also important to acknowledge the skills that you have already taught your children, and to trust in tried-and-true strategies for child-rearing that are still relevant for adolescents — such as noticing and praising what they do well, and teaching them to take responsibility for their actions.

This is no time to lose confidence, because adolescents need the security of a parent who can set clear guidelines, who is confident and competent, and who doesn’t crumble in the face of their every demand. If necessary, build up yourconfidence by getting the help and support that you need. Talk to other parents, read books, do courses, and, most important, enlist support from family members, friends, or organised groups such as Tough Love.

It is important to give yourself credit for doing your best, because it may be some time before this is fully appreciated by your children

Keeping the lines of communication open

Whatever disagreements or problems you might have with your adolescent son or daughter, it is important to keep the lines of communication open. They need to know that you care, and that you are prepared to listen. They also need to know that you will be there for them if they need help.

As the adult, you may have to take the lead in keeping the lines ofcommunication open, especially at times of conflict. Just as it takes two to have an argument, it also takes two to lapse into those long, angry silences. There are likely to be times when, in order to keep the lines of communication open, you need to set aside your differences and focus on less controversial issues. You may also need to use some of the strategies for communication and problem-solving described later in this book.

Maintaining the relationship

Similarly, you may also need to take the lead in maintaining a good relationship with your children. This can be difficult during the teenage years, as the nature of your relationship is constantly being challenged and renegotiated. It is likely to be subjected to many stresses, so it is important for adolescents to know that you love them regardless of what theymay say or do. You may not always like the behaviour, but you can still love the child.

One important way to take care of your relationship is to ensure that there are frequent times when you and your teenager have fun together. This could be as simple as having a laugh together over dinner or while washing the dishes. It could involve sharing activities that you both enjoy, such as going to a movie, having a coffee out, going to a football game, or playing a game of tennis or chess together. In a nutshell, show interest in their interests — this shows that you care about them and their happiness.

You may not always like the behaviour, but you can still love the child

Loving them for who they are

It is natural for parents to have fantasies about what their children will be like and what they might achieve. This places pressure on the child. When, inevitably, they don’t turn out quite as you have imagined, you can choose either to be disappointed in the child or to abandon the fantasy. Children who are a disappointment to their parents get the message that they will never be good enough and they learn to feel bad about themselves. They have feelings of inferiority, and they may believe their parents don’t love them and that they have failed. They may lash out in frustration and anger, resulting in all sorts of behaviour problems.

Pressuring children into being something that they are not, or trying to get them to live the life that you would have liked for yourself, is like trying to fit them into the wrong mould. If you think this may have been happening in your family, adolescence may be the last chance you have to show your children that you appreciate their strengths and value them the way they are. This does not mean that you cannot disagree with them, or that you have to keep silent about your own ideas. But you must give them space to build up their identity.

This means that they will grow up with the confidence that they are loved and accepted for who they are.

Encouraging competence and self-esteem

When people know that they are loved, and they feel good about themselves and their achievements, they are well on the way to emotional well-being. When adolescents feel stronger in themselves, they are better able to withstand peer pressure and to persist in pursuing their goals. Parents can help this process by supporting them in the development of new skills, and by noticing and encouraging the things they do well — but remember it’s a balancing act, and don’t go overboard with enthusiasm! And a note of warning: supporting them inthis way does not just involve giving them a pat on the back and saying ‘Well done,’ however important these acknowledgements might be. It is likely to require your active assistance in pursuing constructive leisure activities and achieving the things that they find difficult. It might mean helping with transport, for example, or finding the money to pay for club memberships, special-interest courses, or extra coaching in school subjects that they are finding difficult.

Handing over responsibilities and giving them a bit more space

As noted previously, one of the important tasks faced by adolescents is to learn to take more responsibility for themselves. Of course thisrequires that others be prepared to hand over responsibilities. Parents have to cope with the likelihood that tasks may not be completed as well as they are when performed by someone with more experience and interest. The room may not be so tidy or the car so clean; the kitchen may look like a bombsite after their latest culinary creation. In the short term you might prefer to continue doing things yourself, rather than cope with not having them done properly. In the longterm this would not be useful for either you or your children, as it gives them two unhelpful messages: first, that they don’t have to take responsibility for themselves, and second, that they are not really capable of doing so. Both are wrong.

Relaxing the boundaries

When there are adolescents in the household, the family needs to become more flexible to allow for the frequent comings and goings of teenagers and their friends. Ideally adolescents will feel they are welcome to bring their friends into the family home. This way you get to know a lot more about their friends and what they are doing. They get to relax in a place where they are comfortable and relatively safe.

At some stage adolescents will probably want to leave home. They may leave several times before establishing a more independent lifestyle. These days this is way more normal and accepted than it was 30 years ago. In fact, the notion of ‘independence’ is not the goal to which most parents or their adult children aspire. Most families would want to develop adult relationships based on love and mutual respect — interdependent rather than independent relationships.

Providing space

Parents and adolescents each need their own separate spaces to cater for their different needs. For both your sake and theirs, it helps if there is a separate space where they can be with their friends without taking over the whole household. They will need a physical space where they can talk and play their music without intruding too much on the space other family members need. They also need the kind of space where they can try out the new ideas, values, and beliefs that they will be bringing into the home from the world outside the family. In practice, this means having the opportunity to express themselves and their ideas without being put down. You may want to discuss and disagree with these ideas, but they deserve to be treated with respect.

Modelling the behaviours that you want

The best way to teach your children the behaviours that you want is to lead by example. At all ages, they learn much more from what you do than from what you say! Many parents forget this — the classic example is parents shouting on the sidelines of a sports field. By adolescence, children are especially good at sniffing out any signs of double standards or hypocrisy. They are also very good at challenging your beliefs and values. By being open to discussion, and being prepared to examine your own behaviours, beliefs and values, you provide an excellent model for adolescents to examine the new ideas and behaviours with which they are experimenting.

Fighting the battles that matter — don’t sweat the small stuff

In order to cope with the stresses of child-rearing, and of adolescence in particular, it helps to focus your energy on the things that are really important. There are four main advantages of this:

You avoid wearing yourself out unnecessarily.

You avoid unnecessary conflict over things that don’t matter.

You can devote more of the time you spend with your children to activities that are useful and enjoyable.

And probably most important, your children are more likely to take notice of you when you really do need to take a stand.

Teen Tip

‘Although your teen may try their utmost to shut you out, your relationship with them is very important, contrary to what they may say; sometimes they may push you away the hardest when they want and need your support the most — don’t be discouraged.’

CHAPTER 2

Family
dynamics

Families come in all shapes and sizes. While the majority of families consist of two parents and between one and three children, many are constructed differently. A family may have a single mother or father and a largely absent second parent, or it may have step-parents and share the care of children with another family. Many children are brought up by their grandparents and have little contact with their actual mother or father.

All families, regardless of how they are made up, organise themselves in a particular way. Fifty years ago families generally organised themselves along authoritarian lines and parents, usually the father, made decisions for the family and enforced the rules set down for children and adolescents. While clear rules and boundaries are just as relevant today, our family life is more complex and the top-down authoritarian approach does not meet the diverse needs of today’sparents and children.

Organisations function most effectively if led appropriately — and families, a very important type of organisation, require effective leadership. Good leadership fosters open and clear communication, equitable sharing of resources (which include love, warmth, time and attention, along with food, money and a place to live), values, rules, boundaries anddirection.

Organisations function most effectively if led appropriately — and families, a very important type of organisation, require effective leadership

Conflict and resentment (disharmony) can build up within families if the sharingof resources isn’t balanced. For example, a 13-year-old who is doing very well at school may receive considerable praise and attention for his success, while his 15-year-old sister might engage in endless arguments with her parents, and say things like, ‘You don’t care about me because I’m stupid.’ Neither part of this statement is likely to be true. However, human nature being what it is, most parents would find it easier to heap praise on academic success and miss the less obvious qualities in a grumpy teenager.

Any member of a family can take leadership if they have the skill and ability to complete the task. For example, as an adolescent my son taught me to use a compass in the bush, and if I had not listened to him I might be still trying to find my way home. And, it hardly needs to be said, if you have a problem with your computer software or mobile phone, your teenage daughter or son is the family member who is most likely to be able to solve it for you.

Parents as leaders are responsible for fostering the development of their children. Encouraging adolescents to take leadership within the family is important because it supports their taking responsibility, and it can enhance family life. Imagine the positive outcome if the 15-year-old girl described above took it into her hands to call a family meeting to talk about how she felt!

Research tells us that adolescents are more likely to engage in antisocial behaviour if they live in families that: lack love and warmth, do not have clear rules and boundaries and where communication between parents and children is unclear (JF Alexander and BV Parsons. 1993. ‘Short term family therapy intervention: A therapy outcome study’. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 2:195–201).

Modelling clear communication, setting clear rules and boundaries, and ensuring balance within the family by sharing resources in an equitable way — these are key steps to developing a family organisation that best equips adolescents for their journey into adulthood. This type of family leadership provides the young person with the most appropriate context for their development, while at the same time supporting a useful approach to managing the dynamics of family life.

Parts of ourselves

We are all made up of different ‘parts’. For example, most of us haveexperienced situations in which we have felt extreme anger, perhaps to the point of losing or almost losing control. It is as if a part of us — the angry part — takes over. After we have calmed down and the anger has dissipated, we move towards sorting out the situation that caused us to feel that way, and then let the feeling go. We are made up of many parts and at different times we may experience other overwhelming feelings, such as calmness, joy, shame, guilt and fear, accompanied by thoughts and actions.

Each one of us is made up of a unique collection of parts developed inchildhood, and during the course of an ordinary day we scarcely notice as one part takes over from another. Each part intends to do its best for us; for example, some people may withdraw from a conflict situation in order to protect themselves, while others may use humour to defuse the situation.

Parts are only problematic if they become extreme. For example, a part that worries day and night about an adolescent daughter may lead a parent to become overly watchful and protective. As a consequence, the daughter may act sneakily, doing things behind her parent’s back.

Parts can become extreme during periods of stress and, at times, parenting adolescents can be stressful. However, like the conductor of an orchestra, we can lead the parts within ourselves (self-leadership) by keeping some quiet, bringing others into play, and having several continuing quietly in the background.

Many of these thoughts and ideas relating to leadership, parts, and family organisation are derived from Metaframeworks: Transcending the models of family therapy, by DC Breunlin, RC Schwartz and BM Kune-Karrer.

Patterns

In families we all react to situations that arise, and to the things that other family members do. In a way, it is impossible not to react. Even trying to ignore what another person says or does is, of course, one way of reacting to it.

Often the ways we react to situations and interact with each other begin to form a pattern. These patterns are like habits that we get into, perhaps without even noticing. They can become as predictable as the way we clean our teeth in the morning, or how we like to drink our tea or coffee. Raising some issues with a particular teenager, for example, might be like waving a red rag at a bull. Other issues push buttons that trigger anxiety or fear in parents, or act like a call to arms for other family members. The ways in which we react to each other and toparticular situations are our family dynamics.

The ways in which we react to each other and to particular situations are our family dynamics

As parents, our own early experiences of family life and our school years influence the way we think. A distant father and a preoccupied mother mighthave led us as a young person to fear rejection. As parents we might find this fearful part in turn stops us setting clear rules and boundaries when our own teenage son or daughter wants to push the limits — for example by attendinginappropriate parties. Without strong guidance, the adolescent might push the limits harder, leading the parents to back down from their request that the 14-year-old son or daughter does not attend an all-night party. Such interactions easily lead to patterns that become even more stressful for parents and less helpful to adolescents.

A scenario like this does not mean that a parent is weak or does not care. However, parents can be held back from taking strong family leadership through one or more of their parts — such as fearfulness — becoming extreme. This affects the way their family is organised, and they may develop unhelpful patterns of interaction with their children.

Helpful and unhelpful dynamics

Interactions between people can be helpful or unhelpful. Helpful interactions allow us to get on better with each other, discuss our differences, and work towards resolving conflict. Unhelpful reactions lead to antagonism, hurt, and more conflict. They invite us to feel bad about ourselves and to blame each other for the problems we are experiencing.

The trick is to be able to recognise unhelpful ways of reacting and to try to establish more helpful patterns

Because parents of teenagers are dealing with a lot of the same issues, it is not surprising that they develop some common ways of reacting to them. Just talk to any other parent and you will discover that you are not alone. While many of the issues that arise are predictable, they do not necessarily have to become family battlegrounds. The trick is to be able to recognise unhelpful ways of reacting andto try to establish more helpful patterns. In the following pages we identify some of the more common dynamics between parents and adolescents. We look at what works and what doesn’t work in building the relationships youwant with your children, and in providing them with the guidance they need. When you are able to identify some of the more common traps, you will be less likely to fall into them. In Chapter 3 we describe some tools you might find useful in changing unhelpful family dynamics.

Blame and guilt

If yours is a normal family, there will be times when you have disagreements, and there will be situations that you don’t handle perfectly. Part of being normal is not being perfect. Disagreements with an adolescent can be particularly intense, and can leave you feeling frustrated, angry, and guilty. A part of you might feel inadequate about yourself as a parent or worried about your child’s future. Like other parents throughout the generations, you may ask ‘Where did I go wrong?’

When you find yourself caught up in unhelpful family dynamics, the mostuseful question to ask is not ‘Where did I go wrong?’ but ‘How can we make this different?’

It is easy, but not particularly helpful, to get hooked into blame and guilt. These days there is no shortage of experts — writing books, speaking on television or radio, or chatting over the back fence — telling you how to raise your children. If the teenager in your house is not perfectly well-adjusted, bright, creative, socially skilled and totally in tune with the universe, it’s not hard to get the idea that it must be your fault. Most parents do the best they can for their children, with the knowledge and resources they have available at the time. Flogging yourself for things that you could have done better will not change the past, and you can use that energy more constructively for the present and future. By all means take an objective look at your own behaviour, but resist unhelpful invitations to be overwhelmed by blame and guilt.

In this book we encourage you to be the expert on your own family. Stand back and look at what is happening. When it seems useful, consider how your family is organised. Does everyone, including yourself, get the attention and support they need? Do you have clear rules and boundaries to guide family life? Is there a part of you that holds you back from taking a leadership role, or stops your son or daughter taking responsibility?

Reflecting on these questions forms the building blocks for developing more helpful patterns of interaction with each other. Most importantly, when you find yourself caught up in unhelpful family dynamics, remember that the most useful question to ask is not ‘Where did I go wrong?’ but ‘How can we make this different?’

I’m right and you’re wrong

One of the arenas in which unhelpful dynamics commonly develop between parents and teenagers is that of beliefs and values. Adolescents are at a stage in which they frequently question the beliefs, values, and behaviours of their parents as part of the search for their own identities. Parents, on the other hand, have had more life experience and more time to establish their opinions and values. A clash between the two is inevitable. It is a normal part of living in a family with teenagers. Don’t be afraid to have debates and discussions, as long as they don’t get out of hand.

It is not necessary for every clash to become a head-on collision that creates family havoc and destruction. With parts taking an extreme stand, tears, tantrums, moods, worry and feelings of hopelessness can feature in every disagreement between adolescents and their parents. There are two main ways to avoid these head-on collisions: one depends on how you think about the disagreements that you have with your offspring, and the other depends on how you react.

Beliefs and values

Our beliefs and values can be set in concrete, or they can bob up and down like someone who has just done a bungy jump, somewhat difficult to pin down and likely to burst apart under pressure. While some of our ideas are more fixed than others, fortunately most of them fall somewhere between these two extremes.

Some helpful ways to think about disagreements with teenagers

It’s a normal and important part of adolescent development to try out ideas and behaviours that their parents might find weird and incomprehensible.

There are parts that have developed during my own growing up which may stop me thinking about a different point of view.

It’s OK to disagree.

It takes two to have an argument.

A challenge to my beliefs and values today does not equate to a personal rejection for ever.

It’s OK to let adolescents make mistakes, as long as they’re not going to do damage to themselves, to others, or to property.

Disagreeing is not about winning or losing.

I can’t — and don’t have to — control everything my children do and think.

Adolescents have fresh ideas and new information from which parents can learn.

I don’t have to be right about everything, and nor do my children.

Challenging authority figures (for example, police, doctors, religious leaders — and parents) is much more socially acceptable these days and helps to protect us from abuses of power and privilege.

Social change and progress depend on new ideas and the freedom to debate them. Adolescents often act as the flag-bearers for change because they are willing to experiment with  new ideas.

The more our beliefs are fixed in concrete, the more likely we are to clash head-on with adolescents who question our ideas as part of their normal development. The unhelpful dynamics that arise from extremes of concrete thinking can lead to extreme reactions. These include adolescents rejecting their parents’ ideas totally and embracing the beliefs and values of another group, such as their peers, a gang or an extreme religious cult. Alternatively, parents with very fixed ideas can leave adolescents with no room to learn to think for themselves or to develop their own identities.

At the other end of the continuum, parents who are unclear about their beliefs and values will have difficulty providing the guidelines their children need. They can become paralysed by emotions and afraid to do anything in case it is wrong or upsets someone. To avoid either of these extremes, it helps to do the following:

Distinguish between those issues where it is important to take a firm stand, and those that are not worth the cost of a battle. A useful guideline for doing this is to ask the question: ‘By doing this, is my child risking harm to him or her self, to others, or to property?’ If the honest answer to this question is ‘No’, it is usually best to allow adolescents to make their own choices, and to learn totake responsibility for their own actions. This won’t be easy, because it will sometimes mean living with choices that you find disagreeableand hard to understand. For some parents, such unappealing choices might involve, for example, green spiked hair, nose rings, shaved heads, playing computer games for hours, friends who appear to speak only in monosyllabic grunts, and spending all last month’sincome on bizarre music or a dress that reminds you of Grandma’s petticoat.

When you choose to stand firm on those issues that are really important, you are likely to have more energy and make greater impact. These are the issues where adolescents risk harming themselves, others, or property. They might include drink-driving, irresponsible sex, drug abuse, and dishonesty. Adolescents are more likely to respect views that are fixed in concrete, and take them seriously, when they understand that you are prepared to be flexible on other less important issues.

Be prepared to examine your own beliefs. Where did your own beliefs come from? Do they have a sound basis in knowledge and experience? Are they fixed in concrete, or open to growth and development with new information and ideas? Adolescence can be a time of growth for parents too. Examining your beliefs can be interesting and fun, or difficult and painful. It can strike at the coreof who you are and how you live your life. Your beliefs and values,for example, help to determine whether or not you follow a religion, whether you are honest or tell lies, whether you act aggressively or in a mild-mannered way, how much emphasis you put on material possessions, and how much time and energy you spend on yourself, your friends, and your family. Some of your beliefs and valueswill have been learnt from important people in your life, such as parents and teachers. Others will have been learnt through your ownexperiences. You will have given a lot of thought to some beliefs, but others you will have acquired ‘sponge-like’, perhaps without even realising what was happening.

When you can stand back and examine your beliefs and values objectively, discussion with your adolescent children is less likely to result in conflict. When you can show that you are ready to listen, they are more likely to listen to you. When you show that you can back up your arguments with facts and are capable of changing your ideas when given good reasons, you open the way for a useful debate instead of a clash of ideas. Issues debated are less likely to take on the intensity of ‘right versus wrong’ or ‘black versus white’, and are more likely to be seen as complex shades of grey. This in turn encourages adolescents toexamine their own beliefs, rather than being pushed into a corner where the only way to disagree leads to rebellion and conflict.

It’s also important to explain your beliefs to your child, but don’t expect them — or force them — to agree with you on everything.

Feeling alone and unsupported

Another scenario that can lead to unhelpful dynamics between adolescents and their parents occurs when the parents’ needs for love andsupport are not being met through relationships with other adults. This can happen either because a person is parenting by themselves or because they are feeling unsupported by their partner. Once again, problems between parents and adolescents are not inevitable in this situation, but it is wise to be aware of the pitfalls so that you are better prepared to avoid them.

It is through our adult relationships that we meet our emotional, physical, and intellectual needs. When these needs are being met, we have a secure base from which to parent our children. When these needs are not being met, we can easily become preoccupied with problems such as health or financial worries. Not uncommonly, parents in this situation can find their depressed and anxious parts taking over, leaving them without the energy and determination they need to parent their children.

Adolescents in turn can be left feeling unsupported and lacking effective guidelines. Don’t turn your problems into your child’s problems as well. If you are under a lot of pressure, try to put on a brave face while you deal with the situation. For a number of reasons, feelings such as a lack of support often generate problem behaviours in adolescents. They may experience their angry parts becoming extreme as a result, leading them to attempt to grab our attention or distract us from our other problems in the only way they know. Sometimes this behaviour is an unconscious invitation to us to set some of the limits the young person needs for their security and development.

It is through our adult relationships that we meet our emotional, physical and intellectual needs

It is perfectly normal to be preoccupied with your own feelings when you lack the love and support of another adult, especially if this continues over time. Once again, this is not a question of blame and guilt. The useful questions to ask are about how your needs can be met in order to take leadership in the family— and be the parent you want to be.

Do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself.

Talk with someone you trust.

Share your parenting problems with other parents of teenagers.

Take time to have fun with your children.

Join a support group.

Get counselling for yourself and/or your family.

For other suggestions, see Chapter 13, ‘Separation and divorce’, andChapter 14, ‘Single parenting’.

Parents in conflict

Conflict and a lack of intimacy between parents can contribute to another unhelpful dynamic between parents and adolescents. This occurs when one or both parents talk to their older children about the other parent and the problems they are experiencing in the relationship. This burdens young people with an invitation to take sides in a battle that is not theirs. It also provides a way for adults — wittingly or unwittingly — to undermine each other in their parenting, at a time when adolescents need clear guidelines and support. As with the feelingsof lack of support described above, feelings of confusion, anger, and divided loyalty are often acted out as behaviour problems.

Not surprisingly, parents who are in conflict about other things may also disagree about how to parent their children. This may be because they are different people, each bringing different ideas from their upbringing and experiences. In more extreme situations, the hostility between them may have reached such intensity that they tend to disagree out of habit. The arrows that parents aim at each other can be fired through their children. Conflict between parents about how to bring up their children presents huge difficulties for adolescents, whether the parents are living together or separately, and leads to disharmony in the family. Mixed messages and changing rules open up opportunities for ‘playing off’ one parent against the other. They also leave adolescents without the clear guidelines they need if they are to experiment withdifferent behaviours in relative safety.

It is really important to develop a combined approach to parenting wherever possible. Parents can best support their adolescents by agreeing on rules, boundaries and expectations, and clearly communicating them to their children. Along with keeping adult issues with adults, this type of leadership provides the most appropriate environment for family life and leads to balance and harmony. Even when major differences exist between them, parents can find creative ways of setting these aside in the interests of their children. This is not easy, but in most situations neither is it impossible. If you find yourself in this position and unsure of the way ahead, check Chapters 3 and 12 for useful ideas.

Living our dreams through our children

We all have hopes and dreams for our children. It is natural for us to want the best for our children, to see them happy and realising their potential, and not making the same mistakes that we have made. Problems arise, however, when we get caught up in living our children’s lives for them. We are most likely to do this when a ‘part’ of us is dissatisfied with our own life, or when our beliefs about what our sons or daughters should be doing are set too firmly in concrete.

The expectations we have of our children often relate to things like what sort of career we want them to have, what level we want them to achieve in sport, what sort of hobbies we expect them to be interested in, or even what sort of partner they should marry. There are also the things parents ‘want’ from their children, with negative consequences if the children don’t follow the required line. These might include such things as a parent’s expectation that their child will go to church when they grow up, or that they will not have a relationship with a person from a particular racial and/or religious group. The negative consequences if the child takes a different path might be that the parent refuses to help them financially, or ignores their partner.

Sometimes our expectations of our children place undue pressure on them. When we get caught up in trying to control everything about our children’s lives, we set up an unhelpful dynamic in which adolescents are likely to react in one of the following ways:

Adolescents may be pushed to extremes by the need to fight for their own identity. They react by rebelling against everything their parent stands for. Both parties may react by becoming more entrenched in their opposing views, or the parent may feel like a failure and give in. Either way, nobody wins.

Adolescents may develop a strong submissive part and give in to theirparents’ wishes, living lives that give them little satisfaction. They may, for example, end up with partners or careers that they would not have freely chosen for themselves. This in turn can lead to unhappiness for young people, and to resentment that damages family relationships. Any chance of open communication and spontaneous warmth between the generations is likely to be seriously compromised.

Adolescents may develop a part which obediently follows their parents’directions, while remaining dependent and unable to function fully as powerful, self-directing adults. 

These days, parents who become over-involved in their adolescents’ lives are likely to be told by their sons or daughters to ‘get a life’ of their own. Such comments can be very hurtful to parents, who are usually motivated by love and concern. It is important to remember, however, that developing a satisfying life which is not dependent on our children is our best safeguard against the unhelpfuldynamics described above.

When adolescents do not realise the dreams that you have for them, it is infinitely better to give up the dreams than to give up the child

It is also important to appreciate our children for who they are. When we try toforce them into moulds that do not fit them, terms such as ‘unhelpful dynamics’begin to sound like a major understatement. Adolescents become rebellious andresentful as they prove time and time again that they cannot live up to their parents’ unrealistic expectations, and parents doom themselves to permanent disappointment. When adolescents do not realise the dreams that you have for them, it is infinitely better to give up the dreams than to give up the child.

Achievements and disappointments

Another danger of living out our dreams through our children is that we can become dependent on their success for our own sense of achievement and well-being. Personal and family happiness should not depend on the success of adolescents. Most of us invest a lot of hope and energy in our children. It is normal to enjoy their achievements and to feel sad or worried when things go wrong. This is one way in which we express our love and concern. These feelings can be particularly intense at adolescence, when so many relatively small incidents have major implications for future career prospects. Failure in one exam, for example, might close the door on several opportunities for furthertraining or career options.

Conversations between parents of adolescents often centre on theachievements and failures of their offspring. It is easy to take this one small step further, and to take credit for our children’s achievements as if they were our own. Whose are the failures? Discussing the achievements and disappointments of adolescents with others is a natural and useful way of dealing with our feelings. It is also natural to feel proud when they do well and worried when they do not. It is important to get support from friends and to share your pride with them.

It is also important to remember that you are not the only influence in your child’s life. Ideally, you will have done your best to provide them with the tools they need to achieve success and happiness. However, ultimately it is up to them to choose how they use these tools. You can provide support and guidance, but by adolescence a lot of the responsibility for their successes and failures lies with them.

Accept that they can’t be perfect all the time. 

Shifting between emotional closeness and distance

Another common dynamic between adolescents and parents seesfrequent shifts along the continuum between over-protection andover-involvement at one end, and emotional distance at the other. For example, sometimes when adolescents seem to withdraw into themselves, worried parents react by trying to get closer and being more protective. This situation can escalate, with the adolescent withdrawing further and the parent trying harder and harder to get close enough to find out what is going on. Some family therapists aptly describe this particular pattern as the ‘pursuer–distancer’ dynamic. It leads to extreme reactions on both sides, rather than useful solutions to problems.

In another scenario, the adolescent will be warm and loving one day, only to withdraw again the next. The parent becomes frustrated and angry, and may react by also withdrawing from the relationship. Adolescents are working out new and more mature relationships with their parents. They are becoming less dependent, and are sorting out who they are and how they relate to others. They are coping with hormonal fluctuations and the mood changes that can accompany these. In such circumstances, it is inevitable that an adolescent’s way of relatingto his or her parents will shift between emotional closeness and distance,sometimes alarmingly quickly. It is up to the parent to provide some stability, regardless of how the adolescent reacts. Appropriate leadership aims for a place somewhere in the middle of the continuum, consistently offering warmth and support without either being over-protective or closing off emotionally.

Freedom versus control

Another issue that arises inevitably between parents and adolescents involves the questions of how much freedom adolescents should have, and how much control parents should exert. Like closeness and distance, freedom and control can usefully be regarded as opposite ends of a continuum along which both adolescents and adults move.

Commonly, adolescents demand more freedom while parents try to maintain control. It is easy for both to get caught up in an escalating pattern. The more freedom the adolescent demands, the more entrenched the parent can become in maintaining control. The more the parent tries to maintain control, theharder the adolescent struggles for more freedom.

When making decisions about how much freedom to allow, you need to consider the issue, the age of the child, and the child’s previous track record

Another unhelpful dynamic that can develop around this issue involves parents becoming overwhelmed and giving in to their children’s demands. This leaves young people with no effective guidelines for developing self-control, and no solid base from which to develop their own beliefs and values.

Ideally your family will have been organised so that your children will have gradually taken on more leadership and become responsible for the choices they have made throughout most of their lives. Adolescence will see a continuation of that process. When both parent and adolescent take this process for granted, battles over freedom and control are not likely to be so intense. Your goal — and theirs — is for your son or daughter to become capable of taking responsibility for themselves by the time they complete adolescence. This, of course, cannot happen overnight and needs to be developed gradually over years.

When making decisions about how much freedom to allow, you need to consider the issue, the age of the child, and the child’s previous track record. It often helps to explain any concerns that you might have and to be open to negotiation, allowing the adolescent to suggest ways of meeting your concerns. Such decisions can be important, and you might need time to think about them. They should certainly not be rushed and should not depend on the particular mood you are in at the time. The goal in making these decisions is always to find the right balance between being too controlling and giving too much freedom. Too much control can be unreasonable and can lead to resentment, rebellion, and lack of opportunity to learn responsible behaviour. Too much freedom can place adolescents in high-risk situations, where they lack the skills and experience to cope.

The following diagram illustrates the extremes of parenting that are best avoided. Generally it is most helpful to try to maintain a position somewhere near the centre, where the two lines intersect. This requires you to create the right balance between freedom and control, and between over-involvement and emotional distance.

Money matters

Issues concerning money provide a fertile breeding ground for conflict in the family. How is money to be spent? Who gets it and who misses out? Who decides? Financial pressures are likely to become even more intense in adolescent families, simply because adolescence generates extra costs. Adolescents eat more, their clothes are more expensive, and they have numerous extra expenses related to education, transport, and leisure activities. They are also influenced by peer pressure to acquire possessions such as the right clothes, sound equipment, computers, and cars.

Some of the unhelpful dynamics that can arise from these pressures include the following scenarios:

Pressure to provide items that parents cannot afford leads them into debt and causes them to struggle financially. Christmas is, of course, a time when all families are particularly vulnerable to this problem.

Arguments develop between parents who have different views about how money should be allocated. Pressures from an adolescent can trigger these arguments, especially if one parent is inclined to be more generous than the other.

Arguments develop between parents and adolescents who lack theknowledge and maturity to appreciate other financial pressures on the family.

In families where money is more readily available, adolescents can grow up without an appreciation of the things they have or the effort it might have taken to acquire them. When money is taken for granted, adolescents develop higher expectations and can become more demanding.

In some families, parents work long hours to provide their children with the best opportunities money can buy. This pattern might be motivated by memories of inadequate resources during their own childhoods, or by beliefs that emphasise the role of the parent as provider, rather than as someone who is emotionally and physically available. It can also be motivated by a preoccupation with career or a lack of interest in family life. Whatever the reason, parents who work long hours may do so at some cost to family relationships.

Guilt about not spending enough time with their children can push parents into being more indulgent. Parents working long hours or living apart from their children are particularly vulnerable to this trap. The ‘brat packs’ of Hollywood provide an extreme example of what can happen in these circumstances, but we all know of less sensational examples closer to home.

As with most other family problems, the key to avoiding these unhelpfuldynamics concerning money lies in good communication, and in being prepared to stand back and examine your own situation objectively. In Chapter 3 we look at these skills in more detail, and in Chapter 13 there is a section on the particular financial pressures faced by those parenting alone. In the meantime, the following list provides some suggestions to consider:

Provide opportunities for adolescents to practise their budgeting skills by having responsibility for spending in specified areas.

Encourage them to take on part-time employment to provide someindependent income.

Pay them a regular allowance that is dependent on the completion ofspecified tasks.

Where appropriate, involve them in discussions about how limited funds might be allocated.

Help them to recognise all forms of peer pressure and to feel OK about not having unnecessary material things that are beyond the family budget. As we all know, these days a lot of teenagers want their own iPods and have mobile phones. They will be under pressure, and see it as a necessity, to get better, flasher models. Some might own $400 phones, yet fail to pay school fees of $120. Be aware that they are under different pressures than you were as a child, and be sensitive, yet rational, about this.

All families experience some form of unhelpful dynamics at one time or another. The first step is to recognise when this is happening, and the next step is to work towards change. In the next chapter we provide suggestions about how this can be done.

Teen Tip

‘While your teen may not always act like it, family is still very important to them! It is vital it remains a safe support base.’

CHAPTER 3

Creating helpful
family dynamics

In Chapter 2 we described some of the unhelpful dynamics that can occur between parents and adolescents. In this chapter, the emphasis is on changing unhelpful patterns and finding constructive ways to solve problems. We’ll look at the five areas in which problems are most likely to develop, and focus on ways in which these problems might be avoided, or at least resolved. These are:

taking appropriate leadership;

organising your family;

sorting out disagreements;

using good communication skills;

getting the behaviours you want.

Taking appropriate leadership

The first step in creating helpful family dynamics is for parents to look within themselves, as it is within ourselves that our own internal family of ‘parts’ determines how we react and interact with people around us. These parts have their own set of dynamics; for example, worry might lead to despair and then anger. In its extreme state, this angry part might lead a parent to call their teenage son or daughter useless. Such statements, however justifiable they seem at the time, could lead to even greater despair within an adolescent, with the part of them that gives up on doing homework or chores becoming even stronger and more powerful.

Fortunately, we all have a leader (or conductor) within ourselves that, given the opportunity, can calm down worrying, anxious and angry parts inside us! When this happens we are exercising effective self-leadership and are on the way to creating helpful family dynamics.

In a sense, effective self-leadership is a commitment to be the best person we can be. It is not necessarily achieved by following a set of techniques. It may mean counting to 10 before we speak, and taking time out to calm down before we deal with a tyrannical teenager. It could also require us to practise relaxation exercises, talk with a friend or make an appointment with a counsellor, and because we are not perfect, it won’t always work. Whatever steps we choose to take, making a commitment to self-leadership is a helpful first one.

Though it is more difficult to achieve under stress, effective self- leadership paves the way to better relationships, a warm and supportive family life, positive parenting and helpful family dynamics.

Organising your family

Following on from the discussion in Chapter 2, it is essential for families to be organised in a way that promotes the health and well-being of parents and children alike. Equal and respectful relationships between male and female parents provide the best model for teenage sons and daughters. From observing this behaviour, boys and girls learn how to be respectful men and women, who are less likely to choose abusive partners or sell themselves short when they enter a long-term relationship.

Equal adult relationships enable parents to make joint parenting decisions and to support one another when raising a teenager hits the inevitable difficult spots. From this position, parents can promote clear

In taking leadership of your internal world it is necessary to:

Notice the thoughts and feelings you are having when, for example, your 14-year-old daughter or son arrives home at 2am, three hours after the agreed time! Worry, concern, dread and anger would be usual feelings under the circumstances, and the thought that ‘I will never let them out of the houseagain’ seems reasonable.

Engage in ‘self-talk’ to calm yourself down and bring focus and clear thinking into this particular parental nightmare. Helpful thoughts might be ‘At least s/he is alive’ or ‘I can stop worrying now s/he is back’, ‘A shouting match won’t change the situation tonight’, or ‘I can put my anger aside tonight and will deal with this better in the morning’.

Express yourself clearly and take a step towards dealing with the problem constructively. For example, ask them if they are OK, tell them you have been worried sick, and set a time to deal with the problem later in the morning.

communication within the family, develop and maintain family rules, setconsequences where appropriate, and share love, time and energy with each other and their children.

Working together in this way supports appropriate family leadership, because parents can reassure each other that they are on the right track when handing increasing amounts of responsibility to their son or daughter. For example, taking the step to allow your teenager to go to a late-night party is an anxious decision most parents have to face at some time, and having a supportive partner to talk to makes it easier. This is more difficult if you are a single parent and do not have a partner to confide in; for more on single parenting see Chapter 14.

Families that organise themselves with clear rules, communicate clearly and engender love and warmth within the family provide an excellent base from which their children can grow and develop. However, theteenage years require considerable flexibility within which these rules are renegotiated to accommodate the adolescent’s need for autonomy. With this in mind, parents need to foster an adolescent’s ability to take responsible leadership for themselves.

The type of self-leadership and family organisation described above are the building blocks necessary for the implementation of many of the ideas in thisbook.

Equal and respectful relationships between male and female parents provide the best model for teenage sons and daughters

Sorting out disagreements

As noted in Chapter 2, disagreements between parents and adolescents are almost inevitable. You have some choices, however, about whether you respond to these disagreements in a constructive way or whether you help them to escalate into the Third World War. Disagreements test our ability to calm our worrying and anxious parts, and provide the opportunity to exercise effective leadership.

Agreeing to differ

Sometimes you can agree to differ. You are different people, after all, andentitled to your own opinions. Before you get into an argument, think about the importance of the issue: will your children’s beliefs put them at risk physically or emotionally? Is anyone or anything else likely to be hurt? If they act on their beliefs, can they learn from their mistakes without doing any major damage? Do you think of disagreements as battles that you have to win, or as chances to teach your children that it’s OK to disagree?

Before you discuss your differences

Sometimes, however, the issues are serious and you need to take a stand. Either way, it’s useful to know how to discuss your different beliefs and values in a constructive way. Outlined below are some suggestions for doing this. Some of them are challenging, as they require that you first examine your own behaviour and beliefs. This is not always easy, but in the long term it is probably easier, and certainly a lot more effective, than banging your head against a brick wall. That is what happens when you and your adolescent are both arguing from fixedpositions. It not only fails to solve the problem; it can also be very damaging for you both, and for your relationship.

Sometimes the issues are serious and you need to take a stand

We suggest you take the following steps before you discuss different beliefs and values with your adolescent:

Examine your own beliefs.

Challenge your own beliefs.

When there is a parenting decision to be made (for example, whether your 14-year-old daughter should be able to stay out at a party until 2am) parents with partners need to first examine and challenge their beliefs separately. Then share your conclusions, discuss the issue, and agree on what actions to take.

Examining your beliefs

When you decide to examine your own beliefs, it helps to follow four basic steps:

Think about all the topics that cause conflict between you and your son or daughter. Better still, make a list.

Write down your beliefs about each of these topics.

Write down where you think each of these beliefs has come from. It’s OK to guess if you’re not sure.

Write down the actions you have taken as a result of these beliefs.

If you have a partner, it’s useful for you both to do this exercise at the same time. You should not, however, compare notes until you have both finished. Try the examples below. (Note: while we do not condone any form of illicit drug use, in our experience, many adolescents experiment with smoking dope, taking party pills etc. before leaving such behaviour behind in their twenties. Research tells us that there is no conclusive evidence that marijuana use in adolescents leads to the taking of other drugs such as heroin and other hard drugs.)

TOPIC: Son or daughter smoking marijuana

MY BELIEF: Drugs are bad for you.

ORIGINS OF MY BELIEF: Information from magazines, etc. says marijuana use leads to involvement with hard drugs.

ACTION TAKEN: Shouting and screaming at my son/daughter and telling them they are useless.

TOPIC: Lifestyle

MY BELIEF: Young people should go hiking, belong to scouts, and so on.

ORIGINS OF MY BELIEF: My parents took me hiking at every opportunity, and I loved it.

ACTION TAKEN: Argue with teenager if they don’t want to go on the annual family hiking trip.

TOPIC: Vocation

MY BELIEF: It is essential for a young person to go to university.

ORIGINS OF MY BELIEF: I regret that I did not get a university education because it has restricted my career choices.

ACTION TAKEN: Pushing my son or daughter to get good marks at school and to follow a particular career path.

Challenging your beliefs

For many people, this is the most difficult step, because it means being open to new ideas. At times, it may even mean admitting that you were wrong, or that there were other options that you had not considered. We are all capable, however, of adapting to new information, even when this involves giving up time-honoured beliefs. This is part of the normal growth and development that continues throughout our lives. Once again, it helps to break it down into manageable steps:

Name an area of conflict that you would like to resolve.

Investigate two or three points of view that are different from your own, in order to get some alternative perspectives (for example, collect information from a variety of sources, contact people who specialise in this area, and talk to people you know).

Consider carefully the new ideas and information that you have collected. Has this changed your opinion at all? Write down your current beliefs about this topic.

Now list the actions that follow from these beliefs. If your beliefs have changed as a result of the new information, think carefully about how your actions might also be different.

Share and discuss with your partner

It is natural and healthy for two adults to have different points of view on various subjects. However, when these two adults are parenting children together, it is important that they are united in the guidelines they set for their children’s behaviour. A united front is particularly important when you are faced with strong challenges from an adolescent. Without it, parental guidelines become ineffective. Before you sort out a conflict with your adolescent, you need to sort out anydifferences with your partner. Try the following:

Having separately completed the two exercises described above, share your ideas and conclusions.

Discuss the new actions that you are each considering. If you agree, plan how you will carry them out together.

If you disagree, talk about your differences and work on developing a joint action plan.

Area of conflict

Drug use

Collect information (always obtain at least two different points of view)

Discuss the issues with youth organisations. Read material on alcohol and drug use. Talk with an alcohol and drug counsellor. Discuss my concerns with a friend who holds a different point of view from me.

My belief following new information

Experimentation with marijuana is common among adolescents. Marijuana use does not mean harder drug use will follow. I do not need to be so worried but need to keep an eye on the situation.

Possible new actions

Accept the normality of experimentation. Reiterate my concern around alcohol and drug use. Read the chapter on alcohol and drug use in this book, and continue to work on developing a positive relationship with my son/daughter.

Discussing your differences: the basic elements

Whether you are trying to sort out a disagreement with your partner or your adolescent, it is unlikely that you can resolve your differences without talking about them. Of course, the problem with this kind of discussion is that it can easily create more problems that it solves. Arguments can leave us feeling bad about ourselves and others. They can create more confusion, or leave us more firmly entrenched in opposing camps.

Fortunately there are ways of discussing disagreements that help to solve problems and allow everyone involved to emerge feeling OK. There are two separate parts to this kind of discussion. The first involves how you do it, which can usefully be divided into several steps, while the second part involves using good communication skills. We’ll look at each of these in turn.

While it should not be difficult for adults to follow these guidelines, children and adolescents may need some coaching until they fully understand what is needed. The section ‘The parent as coach’ later in this chapter provides some ideas about this.

Discussing your differences: what to do

The steps to solving a problem are basically the same whether it is a problem that you are trying to solve by yourself, or a disagreement that you are trying to sort out with someone else. They are as follows:

Stop

Name the problem.

Think

Brainstorm ideas for solving the problem. Consider the advantages and disadvantages of each idea. Select the best idea.

Act

Put your plan into action. Review the success of the plan.

Naming the problem

Before you can sort out a problem, you have to stop and acknowledge that it exists. In general, the sooner you recognise a problem and decide to deal with it, the easier it will be to avoid a heated argument or the development of a more serious problem. If your 14-year-old son desperately wants to borrow $20 to go to the movies, for example, it is much easier to discuss the pros and cons of this at the time than to discuss them some time later when he already owes you $150 from previous occasions. When your teenage daughter wants to take alcohol to a party, it is much better to discuss your concerns before the event, rather than after she has been arrested for drink-driving.

Naming the problem can be as simple as saying, ‘Hang on a minute. I’m not really happy about that. I think we need to discuss it.’ It involvesacknowledging that there is a problem and stating clearly what it is. Here’s another example: ‘We don’t seem to agree on this. You want to go to a party and stay overnight with friends. I don’t know these people and would worry about your safety. Let’s discuss this further and see if we can work out an agreement that would satisfy us both.’

It’s important to name a problem that is solvable. ‘Josie is lazy and selfish’, for example, is not nearly so easy to deal with as ‘Josie is not washing the dishes when it’s her turn’. Focus on behaviours rather than personalities when naming a problem. You can use this method to sort out a problem of your own, to sort out a disagreement with someone else, or to encourage older children or adolescents to resolve their differences with each other, as in the following example:

‘OK, you two, you’ve been arguing for an hour about whose turn it is tomow the lawn, and the job needs to be finished before dark. I want you to sort this out and come to some agreement within the next five minutes.’

Brainstorming ideas

Brainstorming ideas means making a list of all the possible solutions to aproblem. When you are trying to sort out a disagreement with someone else, you work together to think of as many ideas as you can. At this stage the ideas are described but not discussed, and all ideas are OK. The plan is to be as creative as possible — even ideas that sound a bit crazy can help you to generate new ways of thinking and new ways of doing things. Brainstorming ideas provides you with choices and frees you from taking old roads that lead nowhere.

In the example below, the family have named the problem in the first column, and brainstormed several possible solutions, which have been recorded in the second column. Writing down ideas like this can be very helpful for clarifying your thinking and ensuring that everyone is in agreement about what the problem is and what options are being put forward. Note that this could be an example of a discussion between two parents before talking to their daughter about the problem, or it could be an example of a discussion between one or two parents and their daughter.

Problems and issues | Possible actions
Sara wants to go camping with her friends to a spot 200 km away. Sara is 14. There will be no adults accompanying them. | Sara is not allowed to go. Sara can go, but she must phone home daily. Sara can go, but one adult must be part of the group.

Considering the advantages and disadvantages of each idea

Once you have brainstormed a list of ideas, the advantages and disadvantages of each can be examined. It will often be easier to agree on the idea that is most likely to succeed.

A useful way to help focus your thinking is for every person involved to begin by giving each option a rating between 1 and 10, where 10 indicates strong support for the idea and 1 indicates strong opposition. So, in the example above, Sara might rate the idea of phoning home daily at 7, while she might rate the idea of not being allowed to go at 4.

As you discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each option, be prepared to consider any potential solutions to concerns that you have raised. If you were Sara’s parent, for example, you could consider any safety factors that might be built into the plan, as well as raising concerns about what could go wrong and Sara’s ability to cope. It is also important to consider the positive aspects of the issue, even if you feel they are outweighed by the negative (for example, going camping without adults could encourage Sara to develop her organisational skills). It can be useful to apply the rating scales again after some discussion, as further consideration might have shifted your thinking.

Selecting the best idea

When parents are trying to decide on guidelines for their children, it is important that an agreement is reached before any action is taken. Before discussing the camping issue with Sara, for example, her parents would need to discuss and agree on any rules that were not negotiable. Parents need to discuss these kinds of issues until an agreement is reached. Ideally, whether you use this format to discuss differences with a partner, an adolescent, or anyone else, it will help you to negotiate a solution with which everyone is pleased.

Putting your plan into action

There’s not a lot to be said about this step in the process — you just do it. Having said that, some plans require new skills, so a degree of coaching or assistance may need to be built into them (see page 61), especially where children and young people are involved.

Reviewing the success of the plan

Not every plan made to solve a problem will be successful. When things don’t work out to the satisfaction of all concerned, it may be necessary to have further discussion and to work on another solution. This is not a matter of failure; it is a matter of learning from experience. It is also a chance to demonstrate the importance of not giving up when something goes wrong.

Family meetings

The skills described above can also be used when there are concerns that involve the whole family. Family meetings provide opportunities for all family members to get together to discuss issues that concern them. They can be helpful in improving communication generally, and in dealing with any issues before they become major problems. Such meetings can be held regularly, or as needed. They need to be arranged at a time that is convenient for all members of the household, and should be an opportunity for both adults and children to raise issues.

The guidelines for family meetings are pretty much the same as those for negotiating a solution to a problem with just one other person. If you are considering having a family meeting, it will help to establish these guidelines before you begin. They are summarised below.

If you find that family meetings are too difficult to manage without help, begin by arranging to meet with a facilitator from outside the family. He or she should be someone you all trust to help you solve your problems without taking sides. You may have a family friend who could act as a facilitator, but this is a skilled role which usually requires specialist training in mediation or counselling.

Using good communication skills

Obviously it helps to be a good communicator if you want to have a useful discussion, regardless of the circumstances. Lots of books have been written on this subject, and they can be obtained from any good library or bookshop. It is not our intention to reproduce their ideas. Below, however, are some key strategies that are essential for establishing positive family dynamics, and for the kinds of discussion that are needed to resolve differences between family members.

Choosing a good time and place

No matter how good your communication skills, it will be hard to have a useful discussion if you are constantly interrupted, conscious of being overheard by others who are not involved, or simply run out of time. It is important to choose a place where there are unlikely to be any interruptions, and to allow plenty of time for your discussion.

Taking a non-judgemental stance

Being non-judgemental requires us to be open to others and to put our critical tendencies aside. It also requires us to believe that we do not have all the answers and that other people can contribute useful ideas. We demonstrate this by listening carefully to others and by helping them to clarify their thoughts and put forward their ideas.

Showing respect for the other person

When we value others and trust that they seek positive outcomes in their lives, we are much more likely to notice the good in them. By listening carefully and providing warmth and support, we help them to show qualities that may not be evident in confrontational interactions.

Guidelines for family meetings

Set aside a regular time (for example, once a week).

Begin by providing each person with the chance to raise issues that they would like the family to address.

All feelings are accepted, and they are not judged as right or wrong.

The feelings of every family member are equally important, regardless of age.

Accusations and insults are not allowed. Use ‘I’ statements (for example, ‘I am worried that …’ rather than ‘How could you …?’).

Don’t interrupt. Listen carefully to each contribution.

Brainstorm solutions once a problem has been identified.

Everyone gets a chance to talk about each issue.

All contributions are treated with respect, although some may not be practical options.

Adults have a special role in clarifying rules that are not negotiable and options that are not practical.

End the meeting on a positive note, acknowledging effort and achievement.

Whenever possible, build a relaxed family time together after the meeting (for example, supper or a family game).

No interrupting

Each person has his or her say in turn. Others should not interrupt, except when:

asking the speaker to clarify a point she or he is making;

asking the speaker to expand on an issue raised;

making short supportive comments (for example, ‘Thanks for being honest’ or ‘That’s a good idea’).

After each person has spoken, the next has a turn, continuing until everyonehas had an opportunity to have their say.

When you are really listening to someone, you are actively involved in understanding what that person wants to convey

Being an active listener

Good listening is not just a matter of hearing words. When you are really listening to someone, you are actively involved in understanding what that personwants to convey. Listening requires that you open your ears and note carefully the words used by the other person. You must also open your mind to understand what is being said, and open your heart to the feelings the other person is trying to express. All of this takes energy. You can’t really listen without giving your full attention, or when you are tired or uninterested.

If you are not sure that you understand what the other person means, check. Paraphrase what they have said, saying in your own words what you think they mean, and check that you have got it right. Try beginning your paraphrased statement with words like ‘Are you saying that …’ or ‘If I heard you correctly, you are telling me that …’ Of course you should not paraphrase every sentence, as this is irritating — just the ones where you are unsure of the meaning. Do let the others have their say.

Watching for non-verbal clues to meaning

Don’t rely only on the words people use to tell you what they mean. Notice also non-verbal clues, such as the expression on their face, their tone of voice, the way they sit or stand, and the way they move their hands. These often tell you more about how people are feeling than the words they use.

Checking when in doubt about what someone is feeling

If you think the non-verbal communications indicate that a personis feeling a certain way, it is wise to check that you have got it right. This also shows that you are interested, and encourages the other person to talk about his or her feelings. Clarify what others mean by asking questions, rather than by telling them how you think they feel. Questions such as ‘Are you feeling angry?’ are much better than assumptions such as ‘You are angry.’

Getting the behaviours you want

Giving feedback

Giving feedback is like holding up a mirror to others, so that they can see themselves and their behaviour more clearly. Helping adolescents to see themselves more clearly is part of helping them to grow up, to get to know themselves better, and to appreciate the effects of their behaviour on others. It can, however, very easily lead to unhelpful interactions, especially as adolescents are particularly sensitive to criticism.

There are some tricks to giving feedback in a constructive way. Effective feedback is assertive without being aggressive. It provides constructive suggestions about alternative behaviours. It avoids unpleasant and unhelpful interactions. It does not lecture, insult, or try to force someone to do something. Effective feedback facilitates change.

To give effective feedback, try the following:

Choose a time and place where you will not be interrupted and will not have an unnecessary audience.

Choose a time when you feel calm and able to be objective. (If you felt particularly upset by the incident that you need to discuss, you may need to wait for a few days until you have calmed down.)

Focus on a specific event and stick to the facts.

Make a constructive suggestion about what the other person could do differently next time.

Thank them for listening.

The following dialogue demonstrates these steps in a simple example:

‘You were late home last night and I didn’t know where you were … When you don’t come home and I don’t know where you are, I worry that you have been involved in a car crash or some other disaster … Maybe you could phone or text me and let me know if you are going to be late. I could give you a phone card if you need one … Thank you for listening to me.’

The parent as coach

One of the most important tasks adolescents face is that of developing the skills and confidence to take responsibility for their own lives. Parents have an important role in providing guidance and support, but they can’t teach these skills just by giving advice and encouragement. Adolescents need to learn by doing, and sometimes by making mistakes. The best way for parents to help them in this is to take on the role of coach.

The role of the coach is a demanding one. It requires that you model the behaviours that you want from your son or daughter. Effective coaches are clear and direct. Their directions are easily understood and followed. They are consistent, not only in their words and actions, but over time. their overall game plan does not change from day to day, but continues over a reasonable amount of time in order for it to work. Coaches are good communicators. They listen to others, try to understand their feelings, give effective feedback, and are open to feedback themselves.

One of the most important tasks adolescents face is that of developing the skills and confidence to take responsibility for their own lives

While adolescents still need information and ideas from their parents, coaching at this stage may involve more prompting to help them solve their own problems. Once teenagers have learnt the basic problem-solving steps described above under ‘Discussing your differences’ (see page 53), they can be prompted to recognise when they have a problem, to brainstorm ideas, and to consider the consequences of each of the available options. Prompting might involve questions like the following:

Is that a problem for you?

What ideas have you got for solving it?

What would happen if you did that?

What are the good things about that idea?

What are the not so good things?

How do you think … would feel about that?

Which idea do you think is best?

As they get used to thinking in this way, adolescents will be able to take more responsibility for solving their own problems in effective ways.

Coaching is quite different from controlling. Following is a summary of some of the main differences.

To coach or control?

If the role of coach is so difficult, why not simply tell you child what to do, and then make sure it happens? In fact, there are some extreme situations where this might be necessary (see ‘Taking a stand’, on page 64). These are times when a young person’s behaviour poses a serious risk to him-or herself, or to someone else — times when the consequences of a mistake might even be fatal, such as when your intoxicated son or daughter gets behind the wheel of a car.

Coaching can, however, help to avoid this sort of situation. Think how much better it is when adolescents have the skills to control their drinking, or at least to know when it is unsafe for them to drive. Good coaching allows adolescents to practise such skills in a relatively safe environment. It does not prevent them making mistakes, but it does allow them to learn from these mistakes. It also puts them in a much better position in the long term to take responsibility for themselves.

There are a number of good reasons why coaching is better than

Controlling | Coaching
Telling someone what to do | Explaining why you do something
Doing things for them the ‘right’ way | Allowing them to learn from their mistakes
Trying to protect them from making mistakes | Allowing them to learn from experience
Relying on instructions | Backing up instructions with role-modelling
Telling them what to think | Asking questions to prompt them to think for themselves 
Having fixed ideas | Listening and being open to different viewpoints
Punishing mistakes | Allowing them to learn fromnatural and logical consequences
Using criticism and blame | Giving constructive feedback
Focusing on getting them to understand your viewpoint | Trying to understand their thoughts and feelings as well as your own

controlling. The simplest and most obvious reason is that controlling doesn’t work. Let’s face it: adolescents are often bigger and stronger than their parents. They are not likely to be impressed by your physical presence or by brute force, even if you wanted to operate that way. In extreme cases, they can be quite intimidating themselves. They can choose to do what they like, and tell you where to go while they’re at it. Alternatively, they might comply, but become dependent, depressed, and unable to think for themselves.

Controlling leads to exactly the sort of family dynamics that you want to avoid. It leads to confrontation, anger, and resentment. It leads to rebellion and battles that nobody wins. It is destructive for you, your child, and your relationship.

More subtle forms of control

Controlling does not necessarily involve yelling, screaming, and tantrums. It also comes disguised in more subtle forms. Take the case of Andrew, a 16-year-old boy who gets an allowance of $25 a week from his parents in return for helping with some routine jobs about the house. Andrew’s parents are concerned that he spends too much money on junk food and isn’t learning to budget and save. They decide to open a separate account to which he does not have access, and to pay half of his allowance into this account. On Andrew’s 21st birthday, they will present him with a generous lump sum, the benefits of ‘his’ saving.

This approach allows the adults to control Andrew’s spending, with the excellent intention of helping their son. Coaching would also help, but in a different way. The coaching approach would require that the parents model spending and saving patterns, give clear explanations of the benefits of saving, allow mistakes to be made, and afterwards offer feedback, including constructive suggestions. Chances are that if Andrew had been coached, he would not have had as much money at the time of his 21st birthday, but he would be a more skilled saver.

To learn to take responsibility for themselves, adolescents need to practise these skills. They don’t learn nearly as much about a skill when someone else does it for them. Coaching may not get immediate results, but it works best over time.

Taking a stand

When all else fails, the only way to respond to unacceptable behaviour may be to take a stand. Perhaps your child is planning to do something that would put them, or someone else, at serious risk. Perhaps they are behaving irresponsibly and somehow being protected from the consequences of this behaviour. You might, for example, need to stop a teenager’s allowance until the work they are expected to do at home has been completed. You might choose to remove the television set if homework is not being done. Taking a stand in this way can put an end to endless ineffective arguments on the subject and allow more positive solutions to emerge. See Chapter 6 for more ideas and examples.

Adolescents don’t learn nearly as much about a skill when someone else does it for them

Most commonly, taking a stand involves a withdrawal of privileges, preferably for a limited period that is not unreasonable or unduly punitive. It may include temporary limits on social activities, use of the family car, rights to watch television or to use the telephone or internet, or taking away their cellphone. The best limits are directly related to the problem that concerns you, and are known to the teenager before the problem occurs. For example, you might have a rule that your children are expected to keep you informed about where they are, or that they have to be home by a certain time. Your children will know that they will be grounded for a week if they break this rule.

In extreme situations, taking a stand may mean ordering an adolescent to leave your home. The Harris family provides a useful example.

The Harris family

Seventeen-year-old Ben Harris was controlling his parents’ lives. He stole money from them, took their car without permission, swore at them, and refused to follow reasonable family rules. His parents, Tony and Margaret, were at a loss and arranged for the family to have several sessions with a counsellor. At these sessions they all shared their points of view. Beliefs were challenged and family patterns examined. Various solutions wereattempted, but while his parents made changes, Ben continued his controlling behaviour.

Finally, the counsellor supported Tony and Margaret in getting their son to leave home. Although there were several places where he could go, Ben refused to leave home voluntarily. The police had to be called to remove him.

This was a very difficult time for Tony and Margaret, who were loving parents and wanted the best for their son and their family. They realised, however, that allowing things to continue as they would be was destructive for all concerned. They had to do something different.

Tony and Margaret took a risk; Ben’s behaviour could have got worse. Six months later, however, Ben had a job, was looking after himself, and was becoming more responsible. Both Ben and his parents were making tentative moves towards establishing a better relationship.

It is advisable for parents to get professional advice before taking a stand in the way that Tony and Margaret Harris did. It is also important to get support from family and friends at such difficult times.

The lesson is clear, however: it is much more likely that adolescents will continue with extreme behaviour if others are prepared to put up with it. When Tony and Margaret took a stand against Ben’s behaviour, they also took a stand against their own participation in a destructive pattern of interactions. They got out of a situation in which they were experiencing the negative consequences of their son’s behaviour more and more, while he was learning to take less and less responsibility for his actions.

Nobody’s perfect

No matter how well prepared you are, and how hard you try, there will still be times when you get caught up in unhelpful interactions. Nobody’s perfect. When things go wrong, we suggest you try the following:

Reflect

Analyse

Do something different

Reflection

Reflection involves finding a quiet place to sit down, and replaying the negative interaction in your mind’s eye, as if you were watching a video. You need to be calm and objective when you do this exercise, so it might help to wait until two or three days after the event. When you’ve completed this process, you should have a clear picture of what happened, as in the example below.

Parent: I smelt marijuana in your room again and this makes me angry.

Adolescent: So?

Parent: This has to stop.

Adolescent: I won’t do it again.

Parent: You said that before.

Adolescent walks away and slams the bedroom door.

Parent bangs on door.

Parent: Open this door now.

Adolescent turns the music up louder.

Parent walks off swearing.

Analysing

Analysing the interaction means looking carefully at what was said and done. It includes examining your own behaviour, and questioning whether it was the best way to handle the situation. This does not necessarily mean that you did anything wrong. It may simply mean that whatever you tried did not get the results that you wanted. In order to effect change, parents often have to take the lead by doing something different.

Doing something different

Think about what you could do differently at each stage of the interaction. This will help you to decide what you will do next time to break the pattern of negative interactions. In the scenario outlined above, for example, the parent might decide to use communication skills and feedback at the beginning, instead of just displaying anger. They might decide to stop chasing the adolescent into the bedroom, and to enter into a discussion when the young person emerges. They might even plan to take a stand. The important thing to remember when you want to change unhelpful family dynamics is to do something different.

Putting it all together

In this chapter we have described several strategies to help you parentadolescent sons and daughters. It might be helpful to bring them all together by summarisng the main points:

Practise effective self-leadership, and work with issues and difficulties when you are able to manage your own frustration, fear and anger.

Organise your family (jointly with your partner if you are in a relationship) around a set of clear rules and boundaries — with clear communication, and sharing love, warmth, time and attention equitably between all family members.

It is important to use good communication skills in all your interactions.

The coaching role is useful for providing adolescents with the guidance they need, even in the most difficult circumstances.

Constructive feedback helps them to learn from their mistakes.

Review and challenge your own beliefs before attempting to sort outdifferences with others.

Sort out issues with your co-parent, if you have one, before tackling problems with your children.

There are some simple strategies that you can use to help you discuss your differences in a constructive way.

You can change unhelpful family dynamics by doing something different.

When all else fails, you may need to take a stand.

Change does not occur smoothly and may not be noticed for some time.

Parenting may not be easy, but it can be the most rewarding job in the world. The techniques suggested here will not provide a miracle cure or instant fix, but are a guide to developing respectful and empowering relationships. It is these empowered relationships that will make the difference.

Teen Tip

‘If you discuss issues with us reasonably, are open minded and listen to our opinions, we will be more likely to be reasonable with you!’

CHAPTER 4

Building better
relationships

Good relationships, and the skills for getting on with others upon which they are based, are not just ‘touchy-feely’ optional extras that we fit into our lives if we have the time. They are the keys to achievement and to emotional well-being.

There’s hardly a parent in the world who doesn’t want to have a good relationship with his or her children, and who doesn’t want those kids to grow up happy, well-adjusted, and enjoying good relationships with others. But relationships are still an area of difficulty for many people. We’ve all had difficult or unhappy experiences in our relationships with others, and know just how devastating this can be.

What can you do to promote a good relationship with your teenager? What sort of relationship are you working towards with your adult children in the future? What can you teach them about enjoying better relationships with others? How can you help them to become good sons and daughters, parents, friends, and partners? In this chapter, we focus on the answers to these important questions and the positive things you can do to teach adolescents about relationships.

Relationships: how you teach them

There are three main ways in which you teach your children about relationships: through their experience of the parent–child relationship; through the attitudes and behaviours that you model; and through purposefully instructing them in the things you want them to learn.

Teaching through experience

It probably goes without saying that we learn most about relationships from our personal experiences. Attachment theory, first proposed by John Bowlby in the 1950s and with developments continuing to the present day, is based on the belief that infants need to develop a secure attachment to a parent figure in order to experience stable and fulfilling relationships later in life. Infants who have their emotional and physical needs met learn to trust those around them, believing that it is safe to be close and intimate with other human beings. If a child’s needs are not met — for example, if the father is absent and/or the mother, throughdepression, can’t cope as a parent — the opposite can happen. A child may lack trust in those around them and see the world as a hostile place. This reaction can make it difficult for them to develop warm and intimate relationships later in life.

The first relationship between a parent and child is of primary importance in what it teaches children about themselves and their relationships with others. Being loved, for example, teaches them that they are lovable, and this belief helps them to develop healthy and mutually loving relationships.

Instinctively, the vast majority of parents seek to provide their children with the security, love and warmth necessary for secure attachment to develop. However, the child’s temperament, the illness of a parent or child, stress on the family, a major personal crisis and a range of other life-changing events can all have an impact on this key developmental process. Over the years, therapists have used ‘attachment theory’ to explain a range of psychological problems and have overtly or covertly blamed parents, especially mothers, for their manifestation.Additionally, such difficulties were understood to be almost impossible to change.

The authors of this book believe in the importance of attachment, but not in such black and white terms. Firstly, very few people, if any, develop a 100% secure attachment. Parts of us will experience insecurity in our relationships at one time or another, and feel down or lash out as a result of this. We might, if we are lucky, and have lots of time and money to pay a psychoanalyst, find that a childhood experience had a part to play in causing this insecurity. Secondly, attachment, as important as it is in those early years, does not begin and end inchildhood; it is an ongoing part of our development. By ensuring we work to maintain a warm and loving relationship with our adolescent son or daughter, we are helping them to learn to trust others, as we do, even in difficult times.

Being a role model

Whatever example you provide for your children, they will learn a lot about relationships from watching how their parents relate to them, to each other, and to those around them. If you are aggressive, impatient, or intolerant, chances are that this is what they will learn to be. If you are affectionate, considerate, and respectful, they have a much better chance of being this way themselves. By adolescence, if not well before, they will be demonstrating what they have learnt in the way they relate to you, and this provides challenging moments for adults when they see clearly reflected back a ‘part’ of themselves they don’t particularly like.

Seeing what we don’t like about ourselves, being challenged directly by an adolescent son or daughter (‘How come I can’t drink when you get half-cut every Friday night?’) and having to remain calm and collected during such challenges — these things provide tremendous personal-growth opportunities for parents!

Through being a role model for our children, we can do a lot for ourselves. Chapter 12, ‘Dealing with your own issues’, is designed to provide a helpful guide for parents.

Teaching by instruction

There are also lots of things you can tell your children that will help them learn good relationship skills. You can teach them about communication and conflict resolution, for example, and about what other people need and want from a relationship. You can talk to them about men and women that you admire, and describe the attributes that help these people to get on well with others.

As with just about everything else that you want to teach them, they are likely to learn much more from your actions than your words

Sharing your ideas and beliefs, providing information and advice, and coaching adolescents in the skills they need are all important components of teaching good relationships.

A word of warning, though: the best advice is likely to fall on deaf ears if their experience, and the examples you provide, do not match what you say. As with just about everything else that you want to teach them, they are likely to learn much more from your actions than your words.

Relationships: what you teach

So what do adolescents need to learn about relationships, and how do you teach them? Some of the most important lessons they need to learn are described below.

Respect for others

The best way for children to learn respect is to be treated with respect, and to see their parents treating each other with respect and consideration. Adolescents will learn much about respecting the opposite sex, for example, from the way their parents treat each other. If they grow up in violent and abusive households, they are much more likely to be violent and abusive themselves. If they hear the adults around them making derogatory comments about people who are different from them, they are much more likely also to indulge in racist, sexist, and other derogatory comments.

Parents need to support each other to ensure that their teenage offspring treat them both with respect. As children get older, it can be tempting for parents who are separated or in an unhappy relationship to criticise or even abuse each other, to argue in front of their children, or to try to form alliances with an adolescent against the other parent. This is damaging for a teenager in several different ways, not least through the implicit messages it sends them about male–female relationships.

Parents can help their adolescent sons and daughters recognise disrespectful stereotypes that degrade other people. One of the most common types of disrespectful stereotype involves the images of women as sex objects that are found in advertising, films, books, magazines, and — in some places — daily conversation. There are any number of stereotypes that do nothing to promote understanding or good relationships between the sexes, between different races and cultures, and between any two people who are different in some way. Talk to your teenagers about negative stereotypes so that they are better able to recognise and reject them.

There are countless ways in which you can help adolescents experience and demonstrate respect in their relationships with you and others. Some of the more important ways that have not already been mentioned include the following:

Respect their privacy. They are entitled to dress and undress without an audience and to have quiet time alone in their bedrooms. They are also entitled to privacy in their correspondence, in their conversations with their friends, and in writing their diaries. Unless you have serious concerns about their safety, their right to privacy should not be violated.

Parents demonstrate respect by supporting each other in front of their children and adolescents when dispensing any discipline or making decisions about limit-setting. If you have a disagreement with your partner about parenting, sort out your differences away from the rest of the family. This not only teaches your children that you respect each other, but it also avoids confusion and undermining, which leave your children without clear guidelines.

Teach them to use good manners and respectful language in all their relationships.

Be careful about teasing them in a way that can be hurtful or appear to be critical. What seems like good humour to you may not be so amusing to them. Be particularly careful not to embarrass them in front of their friends.

Listen to their opinions. You don’t have to agree with them, but they deserve to be taken seriously.

Accept their feelings, even if you find them difficult to understand, and try to take them into account in any decision-making.

Avoid methods of discipline that are degrading for you or for them. Try to discipline in a calm and reasonable manner, and never resort to using force or insults.

Take opportunities to talk with them about issues such as fairness, right and wrong, consideration for others, and being responsible.

Never accept verbal abuse or physical intimidation.

Rejecting violence

As teenage boys develop in size and strength, it becomes increasingly important that they learn not to hurt or intimidate others. They need clear messages that abuse and violence are unacceptable. Ideally, there will be a father on the scene who provides a good role model, who is vigilant for signs of trouble, and who sets firm limits on his son’s behaviour. In particular, the father should insist that a teenage boy treats his mother with respect, and should be ready to support her at any time. This emphasis on respect should also extend to friends and classmates (for example, bullying is cowardly and unacceptable). When the father is not available, or if the combined attempts of both parents do not stop a son being violent or intimidating, get help from other adults, if necessary from a counsellor, the police and/or an organisation that specialises in these problems (for example, through Tough Love, or anger management courses). For both your sake and his, this needs to be dealt with promptly and effectively. The sooner you deal with it, the more likely it is that your son will make positive changes.

While violence is much more likely to be perpetrated by boys, girls also need to learn not to use violence. Both boys and girls can also be victims of violent assaults, and they need to be taught not to tolerate violence in their relationships with others. They may need specific help with ideas about responding to violent or intimidating relationships, and encouragement to develop a level of self-respect whereby they are less likely to accept that sort of behaviour. Take opportunities to talk to both girls and boys about violence, child abuse, and alternative ways of expressing anger and resolving conflicts.

If you have a history of being violent yourself — if you have difficultycontrolling your temper or dealing with anger — get help. It is all too easy to perpetuate these problems by handing them on to the next generation.

Self-respect

One way in which you teach your children to respect both you and themselves is to model self-respect. Refusing to accept abuse, and calmly asserting your rights and opinions will go a long way towards demonstrating that you are worthy of respect. It will also provide them with an excellent role model for asserting their own rights.

Another way you demonstrate self-respect is in the way you take care of your appearance. You are on slightly trickier ground here because your expectations about dress and hairstyles, for example, may be quite different from those of an adolescent. You can, however, insist on a reasonable standard of hygiene. It’s also helpful to notice and comment on those occasions when they have taken care over their appearance, just as it helps them to develop self-respect when you affirm anything that they do well or any time when they have made a special effort.

Promoting competence and self-esteem

Adolescents who feel good about themselves are much less vulnerable to peer pressure, and are much better equipped to form healthy relationships. Parents can promote their children’s self-esteem in many ways, including:

teaching them useful skills for everyday living (for example, housework and basic household repair skills);

encouraging realistic expectations of what they can achieve;

noticing and praising the things they do well;

providing practical assistance in areas they find difficult;

setting limits to protect them from situations that they are not ready to handle;

showing that you appreciate them as they are.

Adolescents who feel good about themselves are much less vulnerable to peer pressure

Often poor self-esteem is demonstrated in derogatory comments about others. It’s as if putting someone else down makes it easier to feel better about yourself. Helping to develop your child’s self-esteem will also help to develop their tolerance and respect for others.

Adolescence is an awkward stage for many young people, as they learn to cope with changes to their appearance and new expectations in both their work and social life. Faced with these challenges, it is not uncommon for many to lack confidence in themselves, especially in relationships with the opposite sex. Parents can help to boost their children’s self-image by taking opportunities to make positive comments about things like their competence, their intelligence or their good looks, and by demonstrating that they enjoy their company.

Communication skills

Communication skills are an essential part of forming and maintaining good relationships. There are a number of skills involved in good communication that you can teach by coaching and by example. Some of the key points are summarised in Chapter 3, and there are many useful books on the subject. Some of the most critical communication skills are listening, using ‘I’ statements, and asking clearly for what you want.

While there are many exceptions, more boys seem to have difficulty with communication skills than girls. Many boys seem to be less articulate and less willing to share their emotions than their female counterparts, for reasons that probably combine nature and nurture. Boys may, therefore, need extra encouragement and coaching to develop good communication skills.

It is important to be open and honest with adolescents if you want them to trust you and to be honest in return. This does not mean that everything you do is their business, or that you can expect them to share everything that they do, for that matter. Good communication respects privacy and is not intrusive. You will tread a fine line sometimes in deciding what you need to know and how much you need to tell.

Listening is a skill that you will need to demonstrate in your relationships with your teenage sons or daughters, as some of the most important things that they tell you may be couched in vague terms. ‘Uncle Eddie is a creep’, for example, may actually mean ‘Uncle Eddie has been sexually abusing me’. Similarly, ‘I don’t hang out with those guys any more’ might mean ‘I feel hurt and rejected by my friends’, and ‘I hate school’ could mean ‘I feel totally overwhelmed and I need some help to cope with school’. Of course, it is not helpful to be paranoid or to jump to conclusions, but it is helpful to be alert for any vague statements and to gently explore their underlying meaning. In this way you will model care and concern as well as good listening skills.

Adolescents won’t always tell you in words when they have a problem, so you will need to be alert for other signs. If you are concerned that something may be wrong, it’s usually best to take the direct approach and share your concerns. Ask them what’s wrong and let them know that you are ready to listen and to help in any way. If they deny that there’s a problem or refuse to talk about it, you will have to use your best judgement about whether it’s best to pursue the issue or to back off. Both of these approaches will be right in different situations.

Another common issue that you will face as the parent of an adolescent is being asked for permission to do something new; something that you are not sure about. This is when it is often useful to take time to consider your decision and, if necessary, to talk it over with your partner or other parents. Tell your son or daughter that you want to think about it, and promise to get back to them with your decision as soon as possible, preferably at a specified time. Use ‘I’ statements to express any concerns you might have, and be ready to use the problem-solving strategies suggested in Chapter 3 in discussing any differences of opinion. Be sure to get back to them at the time you agreed. In this way you model not only good communication but also responsible decision-making.

In any standard course on communication, you will be taught the value of maintaining good eye contact. This is a good skill to teach your children, as it helps them to present themselves as honest and confident, as well as helping them to be heard and to listen more effectively. Perhaps surprisingly, however, it is not always the best way to communicate. Some of the best conversations that you have with your teenage son or daughter are likely to occur when you are driving a car, washing dishes, or doing anything together that makes it impossible to have eye contact most of the time. Sometimes things that are difficult to say are made easier without the pressure of a penetrating gaze.

Making time to talk and be together

With or without eye contact, you’re not going to communicate well with your children if you don’t spend time with them. If you live in the same household, you need to build regular times into your daily schedule when you are together. This might seem impossible in a busy family when adolescents are themselves often out or otherwise occupied, but it needs to be a priority if you want to know how they are, what they’re doing, and whether they need help. All good relationships need care and attention, and this one is no exception.

If you don’t live with your teenage children, ensure that you have regular access and that you make the most of opportunities to be together. Some people actually find that the quality of the time they have with their children improves after a separation, partly because they then put more effort into the time they have together.

So how can you possibly make regular opportunities to be with them? Here are a few suggestions. Choose as many as you can, or design your own plan to suit your own particular situation:

Make sure you have at least one meal a day together as a family.

Take time to check in with them when they arrive home from school or, alternatively, when you get home from work.

Make use of opportunities to talk during your regular stints as their personal ‘chauffeur’.

Do the dishes together every night after dinner.

Initiate a ritual of having a family supper together in the evening.

Leave time for a coffee stop when you take them out shopping or go to the movies together.

Develop a habit of doing something together regularly that you both enjoy, preferably something that allows you opportunities to talk.

Try to escape from a high-stress lifestyle or one that is always rushed. It’s not good for you, your kids, or your relationships.

Resolving conflict

Disagreements happen in the best of relationships, so it is important for adolescents to learn that they do not have to result in an argument or the end of a relationship. They learn this by seeing their parents sort out disagreements in an amicable way, rather than seeing them avoid conflict or have every second disagreement turn into a major row. They also learn it by living in a family in which negotiation and problem-solving are a normal part of everyday life.

As an example, two parents may disagree on how to remodel the kitchen in the family home. Rather than having a heated argument about it, they could each state their preference and their reasons for wanting to do the job in a particular way. Listening to each other’s point of view, clarifying what the other person wants to achieve, generating alternative ideas, and then finding solutions — these things effectively model how to deal with disagreements.

The skills for resolving conflict are absolutely crucial for any good relationship; they are discussed in detail in Chapter 3.

Expressing emotions

An important part of communicating within relationships is being able to express your feelings appropriately. The first trick is to be able to recognise exactly what it is that you are feeling. Both the situation and your body will usually provide lots of cues that indicate whether you are sad, angry, anxious or afraid, for example, but it is not necessarily easy to recognise these emotions or to express them appropriately.

Anger is an emotion that many people find particularly difficult to deal with. It is not uncommon, for example, to react with anger when you feel anxious, sad, or afraid. How many times have you seen parents who yell at or smack a toddler who has just survived running out on the road in front of a car? A situation that’s more common with adolescents is the parent who yells at a son or daughter who arrives home late at night, having worried for hours about all the dreadful things that might have happened to them. Being able to say ‘I was terrified that something awful had happened’ or ‘I was worried sick that you’d been in a caraccident or been raped or murdered’ is a more accurate way to express your feelings in this situation than by saying ‘How dare you come home at this time of night!’ It is also likely to be more effective and more constructive for your relationship with them.

It is good for adolescents to learn that it is OK to have and to express strong emotions… in a way that is not damaging to themselves, to others, or to property

Unless you accurately identify what you are feeling, it is hard to deal with those feelings effectively. Once you can communicate what you feel, you can then say what you need to have happen in order to feel more comfortable or to resolve a problem in a relationship. The strategies discussed in Chapter 3 provide some guidelines for taking this next step.

It is good for adolescents to learn that it is OK to have and to express strong emotions, provided they express them in a way that is not damaging to themselves, to others, or to property. Suppressing feelings can lead to emotional stunting and physical illness. So it’s good to show them how you feel when you are upset. You need to be wary, however, of giving them the idea that you are totally overwhelmed by an emotion. It can be very scary for children and adolescents to see a parent who is out of control, because they rely on you for their own security. If you do feel overwhelmed, let them know that you are getting help and ensure that there is someone else there who is able to care for their needs.

Remember also to express all the positive emotions, especially your feelings for them. Teach them how you show delight when you are happy, and be demonstrative. Show your feelings by hugging them or patting them on the back. Make sure you enjoy a good laugh and have lots of fun together.

Having fun and taking pleasure in each other’s company is the cement that holds many good relationships together

Having fun together

Having fun and taking pleasure in each other’s company is the cement that holds many good relationships together. Despite all the horror stories about adolescence, it is also a time when parents and their children can enjoy some of the same jokes and activities. It is a great opportunity to join in things that you both enjoy. Make sure there is time in your busy lives for your kids to have fun, and for you to have fun together. Enjoy your kids, and they will be much more likely to enjoy being with you.

Relating to people of different ages

Unless you are part of a community or a big family, your adolescent son or daughter may not be comfortable relating to people of different ages. Adolescents who are unsure of themselves are likely to avoid younger children, and to mumble awkwardly at older people, with little or no eye contact. Being able to care for younger children, to play with them appropriately, and to relate to older people with confidence are skills that they only learn from experience. You may need to promote this experience actively, by providing opportunities for them to mix with all ages, and by coaching them in the skills they need. In this way they not only develop their skills and confidence, but they are also opened up to a whole new and interesting world, and gain opportunities in which to learn and to appreciate people they may previously have ignored.

Peer relationships

As noted earlier, forming good peer relationships is an important task of adolescence. Having said this, some peer groups involve fairly loose connections, and some provide little in the way of closeness or emotional support. Boys in particular are more likely to have friends with whom they share little of their lives or feelings. Perhaps there is a genetic component to this, but these days there are also many sensitive and caring men who have learnt how to be supportive and emotionally available in their relationships with their friends and family. Men like this will provide good role models for your teenage son.

You can model good peer relationships through the way you relate to your own friends and to the friends of your children. Encourage your kids to invite their friends over, and make them welcome when they come. This may mean stocking up on food supplies in the way you would if you were preparing for a long siege. A group of adolescents can clean out your pantry with the speed of a plague of locusts, so you would be well advised to have a good supply of healthy foods that are filling without being very expensive. Having bread and some basic sandwich spreads is a good start.

Try to get to know the young people who visit by showing an interest in them. Don’t be put off by those who don’t inspire you on first sight because of their appearance, or those with an apparent inability to look you in the eye or to maintain a conversation. The latter may just be shy or lacking in confidence; the former may be really pleasant or interesting if you can just put aside your initial reactions and get to know the person underneath the tatty clothes and nose studs. Ask about their opinions, the things that they do, and the important things happening in their lives. Be friendly without being intrusive or pretending to be one of them. Give them space to be together, while letting them know that you are in the background quietly keeping an eye on things. And remember that getting to know a son’s or daughter’s friends helps you to know what your adolescent is up to. Making their friends feel comfortable in your home is a great way to help your kids enjoy friendship without having to go out into situations where they may be at risk, and has the added advantage of allowing you to maintain more contact with them.

Friendships with the opposite sex

Another of the important tasks of adolescence is to form relationships with the opposite sex. Ideally they can do this in a way that teaches them how to enjoy normal friendships before they have to cope with romance and sex. Before they find themselves a partner, it helps if they think of members of the opposite sex as fellow human beings, rather than aliens from another planet or objects to be used or ridiculed. This is best done by encouraging them to join groups in which the two sexes mix naturally, such as social clubs or special interest groups, and by discouraging the tendency of many people to sexualise girl–boy relationships from an early age. It helps if parents convey the attitude that friendships with people of the opposite sex are normal, and if they avoid teasing their children about having a ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’.

Both boys and girls can be very awkward about mixing with the opposite sex during adolescence. Often they lack confidence and competence in knowing how to behave. Girls might demonstrate this by dissolving into fits of giggles when spoken to by boys, while boys tend to act inappropriately in other ways, like showing off, or being rude or silly. Parents have a role to play in teaching more appropriate ways of behaving, which include skills such as having a conversation, having fun, and showing respect and interest. Parents can also help by talking to their teenage children about the differences between friendship, love and sex.

It’s been said before, but it doesn’t hurt to say it again: adolescents will learn most about relationships with the opposite sex by seeing how their parents relate to each other and to their friends. Also, if an adolescent has a good relationship with his or her opposite-sex parent, that adolescent is much more likely to feel competent and comfortable forming relationships with other people of the opposite sex. A mother who affirms her son’s qualities and shows him that she enjoys his company will do much to help him develop his confidence in relating to other females. Similarly, fathers have a special role to play in helping their daughters feel confident in their ability to get on with males. The messages given by fathers — either directly or implied — about what makes a woman attractive to a man can be very influential. There is evidence, for example, that adolescent girls are more vulnerable to eating disorders if their fathers stress physical appearance and body shape as important female attributes.

There is evidence that adolescent girls are more vulnerable to eating disorders if their fathers stress physical appearance and body shape as important female attributes

Gay and lesbian relationships

If your son is gay or your daughter lesbian, or if they think that they might be, they are going to need your love and support. These kids are at risk in a world that can be cruel, ill-informed, and lacking in understanding. They feature among those most at risk in the teenage suicide statistics. While it is natural for parents to be concerned, teenagers in this situation are also likely to be experiencing confusing emotions themselves. Your acceptance and caring will make an enormous difference to their ability to cope, to their emotional well-being, and to their ability to maintain relationships that are based on love and respect. If you reject their sexuality, you reject an important part of them, you put your relationship with them at risk, and you cut off a lifeline of caring and support.

Whatever your own beliefs and values, finding out that your teenager is gay or lesbian can raise lots of concerns or issues. Some of the following may be helpful:

Get help for yourself, from friends or family members who are tolerant and understanding.

See a counsellor who specialises in gay and lesbian relationships, either with or without your child.

Gather information on the topic from a variety of sources.

Read some of the excellent books written by parents who have also had to come to terms with having a gay or lesbian adolescent in the family.

Read stories based on their own experiences written by gay and lesbian authors.

Sexual relationships

Because this is such a big issue for adolescents and their parents, we havedevoted a chapter to it later in the book (see Chapter 8). Several points are worth making here as well:

Try to talk openly about sex and to normalise it as a part of life.

Let your children know that sex can be fun, exciting, and a great part of a special relationship.

Teach them that good sex is respectful, caring, and responsible.

Teach them that bad sex is selfish, irresponsible, dangerous, and abusive. It may also be illegal.

Provide them with information about sex and contraception so that they can make informed choices.

Take a strong stand against their having sex before they are sufficiently mature physically or emotionally to handle it.

Take a strong stand against their involvement in abusive relationships.

Don’t tease them about sex or sexuality, as this will block future communication on the topic.

Confront immature, silly, or sexist ways of talking about sex.

And, of course, model loving and respect in your own sexual relationships.

Teach them to feel good about themselves as men or women

It can be hard for some boys to feel good about their maleness when they are confronted by regular reports of male violence, rape, and other criminal offending. They are also likely to be confronted at times by criticism of men as emotionally immature and inadequate in social relationships. Not surprisingly, many are confused about what it means to be a male, and may act out their insecurity in a variety of ways, including acting ‘tough’ or making put-down comments about others in an attempt to feel better about themselves. Adolescence is a time when boys need male role models who feel good about their masculinity and who demonstrate both strength and sensitivity in their relationships with others.

Girls face their own unhelpful stereotypes about what it means to be awoman, including the ‘dumb bimbo’, the sex object, the over-emotional‘hysterical woman’, and the linking of any form of success with unnatural ‘hardness’. They face a world where there are competing demands on them to perform in a variety of areas, not least of which are the often conflicting demands of family and career. They too need role models of successful, happy women leading fulfilling and well-balanced lives.

As a parent, you can help in many ways, perhaps most importantly by:

providing good role models;

talking to your teenage children about men and women that you admire: who they are, and things you’ve noticed that they do;

telling them about your own life; the same-sex parent has a special role here in taking them to see you at work, introducing them to your friends, and showing them what you do;

affirming boys’ masculinity and girls’ femininity;

encouraging suitable ‘mentors’ from among your family or friends, and/or among people such as teachers or sports coaches with whom they have contact out in the community. A relationship with one or more adults (apart from their parents) who care about them, show an interest in them, and watch over their well-being can be crucial for adolescents who need someone to talk to and a guiding hand to meet them when stepping out into the world.

Promoting a balanced lifestyle

As we noted previously, good relationships don’t just happen; they need nurturing with time and energy. If you or your children are frequently overcommitted, stressed, and/or exhausted, your relationships are likely to suffer. It will help if you model a well-balanced lifestyle yourself, and if you ensure that adolescents have time in their lives for the following:

sleep

fun

work

creative thinking

physical exercise

space to develop their own personalities

a healthy diet

social activities with friends

time to themselves

time to ‘just be’

Designing your future relationship

Most parents expect to have a more equal relationship with their adult children, one in which they can be friends and support each other in different ways. Ideally the trend towards this kind of friendship begins at an early age, with shared activities and enjoyment of each other’s company. It is wise not to rush into it though: adolescents still need you to be a parent who provides guidance based on relative wisdom and maturity. You can be friendly with an adolescent, but you are not yet equal as friends.

For many families the turbulence of adolescence is associated with conflict, some of which may not be resolved during the teenage years. Provided you leave the door open, however, these issues can still be resolved in the years ahead. People change, and so do situations. You may learn to set aside your differences or agree to differ. The main thing is that they know, from both your words and your actions, that you are there for them, and that they can come to you if they need to. It’s never — or hardly ever — too late to have a good relationship with your children.

Abuse

Having said that, some things that have been done cannot be undone. Abuse — physical, sexual, or emotional — can change people’s lives forever, and does irreparable damage to their relationships. If you have seriously abused your son or daughter in any way, you may not ever be able to make up for it or enjoy a good relationship with that child. A child whom you have abused may forgive you and want a relationship, but they may not. This will be your son or daughter’s decision. The best thing you can do is to help your child get on with his or her life by taking full responsibility for your actions, by making a sincere apology, by getting help to address your own problems, and by making sure you never do it again.

During the preparation of this book, lots of parents contributed their ideas about relationships and adolescents. Here, one of these parents writes about her relationship with her son, now in his early twenties and living away from home. It provides a good summary of some of the most important suggestions we can make:

A parent’s advice

The most important things are to keep the lines of communication open at all times, to have an understanding of the current time — things have changed — and to be clear and consistent in your expectations of adolescent behaviour.

It is important to let your kids know that you love them and will always be there for them. Whether or not they take this on board, it should be reinforced, as a feeling of not being cared about or not loved makes them feel that whatever they do (either good or bad) won’t have an impact on you.

It doesn’t matter what you do, how reasonable you are, how logical your arguments; some kids just think that they are badly done by. Don’t expect to be popular all the time! They will criticise you one moment for not letting them do something, and not long afterwards criticise the parents of their friends for allowing them to do exactly the same thing.

Don’t budge on issues that are important for you and for the future safety of your child, but don’t be hard on issues that aren’t important such as the current music fads, hair and dress styles. When you do take a stand, state your opinion clearly and then change the subject. It is not useful to prolong an argument once you have clearly stated your position.

If your kids are having problems, offer help from a friend or family member, and if this doesn’t work, arrange for counselling.

I find the best way to maintain a good relationship with my son is to reinforce my love and support for him, express an interest in what he is doing, express an opinion without criticising his choices, and give him space in the relationship. I appreciate that there will always be issues that he won’t want to discuss with his mother. Finally, I want to make sure that he is secure in the knowledge that, whatever happens, I am there for him, both emotionally and financially.

Teen Tip

‘It is definitely helpful if you are aware and understanding of their situation; there should be good communication between you and your child. Generally, if you model healthy relationships, and you have taught your kids right from wrong, the whole process will be a lot easier.’

CHAPTER 5

Education
and careers

I’m dropping out of school and I’m gonna be a rock star

For some parents these words, or some variation on them, are just another dip in the rollercoaster ride of raising adolescents. Parents dread the moment when their academically gifted son or daughter, who has the potential to become a big-wig executive, a brain surgeon or a world leader, comes up to them and says they hate school and want to drop out to take up some outlandish profession such as lion-taming or professional surfing. While there are probably some liontamers and surfers who do very well for themselves, they’re likely to be in the minority. It’s likely there are more ‘wannabe’ lion tamers in the world than there are successful ones. So what do you do when your kid says that she or he really loves lions and wants to make a career out of working with them?

The questions of education and vocation are big ones, especially given the way the world is changing. The notion of a ‘lifetime’ career is pretty much obsolete. Whereas in the past you might have left school, joined a bank and worked there for the next 30 years, in the present climate ofdownsizing and outsourcing nothing, is certain except the certainty that nothing is certain. This is even true for those with professional degrees. It’s entirely possible that the receptionist in the furniture store you walk into has a double degree in law and economics, that your travel agent used to be a dentist, or even that your psychologist was once a nurse or marine biologist. Your family therapist might once have been a house painter, and the president of the United States might previously have had a job as an actor.

In these days of constant change, what is most prized is the ability to continue to learn and adapt. Technology is advancing at an ever-increasing rate, and is continually redefining our lives and careers. It was inconceivable 30 years ago that some people would make millions of dollars through a thing called the World Wide Web. Now millions of people talk to each other on the Web every day, and many individuals conduct their social lives through the electronic media.

In addition to this constant change is the fact that education is now more expensive and more competitive than ever before. It used to be that access to university courses was pretty much guaranteed, apart from a few sought-after professional courses. Now it can be difficult to get into many of these. Partly in response to this, there has been a worldwide explosion in the number of private learning institutions offering a range of courses and qualifications. Everyone says that the courses they offer are the best, and every institution charges a lot for the privilege of learning what it has to teach. The possibilities relating to where to beeducated are almost as endless as the possibilities of what to learn.

To complicate things even further, adolescence is a time when teenagers are only just beginning to think about their long-term futures. Teenagers are trying to work out who they are at the most basic of levels, and now they must make decisions about learning and careers that could potentially influence their whole lives. At a time in their lives when most adolescents are rejecting adult authority and institutions, they must increasingly make important decisions about which of these institutions they should join. Even worse, they have to work harder and harder to get in and, once there, to stay in as competition for places in the popular courses becomes more and more intense.

In this chapter we look at some ideas for helping teenage children to succeed in the areas of education and careers. We look at how to help them find the best place to be, and then how to help them get there.

Rachel’s story

Rachel did well all the way through school until she hit 15. It was then that, much to her parents’ confused dismay, it all began to fall apart. Her grades dropped off, she didn’t want to study, and she became increasingly insistent that she didn’t want to be at school. Her parents couldn’t understand why a girl with such potential should be failing, and so they pushed her harder and harder to study and apply herself. Rachel pushed back and there were many bitter arguments.

After several exhausting years, Rachel finished high school and, under protest, went on to university. She failed badly in her first year, and told her parents that she was not cut out for academia and wanted to leave. By this time her parents had finally accepted that she was not going to follow the path they had hoped. This was particularly difficult for her father, who had himself been a mature-age student after failing to take advantage of the available educationalopportunities when he was younger. Reluctantly accepting that Rachel was not going to complete a degree at university, her parents decided that they had to take a stand and encourage her to take responsibility for herself. They told her that she could leave university if that was what she wanted, but she had to get a job.

Rachel did get a job, and she shifted into her own flat. Now she faced a different problem. The only job she could get without qualifications was as a sales assistant in a large retail outlet. She hated it. There was no challenge, the salary was terrible, and there were no prospects for advancement. She lasted six months and then resigned to go overseas to work at a kids’ summer camp. After a couple of months there she went to London and took a job as a nanny. She spent another six months in London and then returned home.

On returning to her hometown, Rachel enrolled in a media studies course at a local polytechnic. The course was not particularly challenging academically, but she enjoyed it and did very well, emerging as one of the ‘stars’ of her year. Following this experience of success, she went on to enrol for a significantly more demanding degree course in communication studies. This was a highly sought-after course and only a small percentage of applicants were accepted.At the time of writing, Rachel was in the final year of this degree, still enjoying it, and still excelling.

Her parents, for their part, were proud of Rachel’s achievements. They were also glad they had given her room to find her own way in the world. She had found her way — the road had wandered through three continents and a number of different learning institutions, but she had found her way. Sometimes that’s just what it takes.

The simple rule: value your children for their unique abilities

Education is something that we start doing with our children from the day they are born. We help them to learn how to eat, how to walk, how to talk, and the countless other skills that a child needs to learn in order to live in the world. The parent’s role in educating their child is clearly important and lasts throughout the child’s life. Indeed, parents can play a key role in teaching their children to raise children of their own.

In adolescence, a special responsibility falls upon parents with regard to learning: the responsibility to help their children find their own feet and their own place in the world. In practical terms, this means helping them to find out what they’re good at and have an interest in, and helping them to experience success along the way to wherever it is they decide to go.

Everyone in the world is different. We all have our own unique skills andabilities. Some of us invent atom bombs, some write bestsellers, and some can talk just like Donald Duck. The thing to remember is that learning is like usingany muscle. You don’t start off lifting twice your own bodyweight; you start small and you build up. Learning to talk just like Donald Duck may be the first thing from which some teenagers derive a real sense of achievement, a sense of having flexed the ‘learning muscle’ and picked something up all by themselves. Maybe the next step is to learn to speak like Beavis and Butthead, and maybe even like Homer Simpson. All this silliness might eventually lead to an interest in linguistics, which could lead to an interest in computer-generated speech, which could, in turn, lead to writing a software program that changes the whole world. All this from learning to speak like a duck.

The best way to build up muscles is to use them, and the best way to encourageteenagers to learn is to find out what they are passionate about and help them topursue that passion

The point is that you can never tell where things might lead. Teenagers need careful coaching and guidance in developing their learning muscles. The best way to build up muscles is to use them, and the best way to encourage teenagers to learn is to find out what they are passionate about and help them to pursue that passion. When you walk into your teenager’s room to find him or her babbling away like a duck, you could deliver a lecture about how goofing off never gotanyone anywhere, or you could compliment your teenager on this newly acquired skill. Many roads lead to Rome, and on some of them the people speak like cartoon ducks.

A little psychology: failure and ‘learned helplessness’

If teenagers do not have enough experiences of success in their education, they can quickly enter a ‘failure cycle’, whereby each failure is experienced as confirming a perception of themselves as ‘stupid’ or ‘not good at school stuff’. In psychological terms, this is called ‘learned helplessness’. This refers to the fact that if people constantly experience a negative outcome, then they soon give up hope of being able to change the situation. Effectively they becomeimmobilised. In some cases, this can lead to severe depression.

The principle of learned helplessness clearly indicates the need for teenagers to experience success in their education. Setting goals for your children that are unrealistic can result in repeated experiences of failure. If you expect your children to be Nobel Prize-winning physicists and they hate mathematics, then you are setting them up to fail and, worse still, to see themselves as the failure. Regardless of the career you want your teenager to pursue, they will inevitablychoose their own. Your most important task is to find out what they are good at and interested in, and then to work hard to ensure they can experience success in developing their abilities. It doesn’t matter if their talents are in sport, poetry, physics, woodwork or karate; they need to know that they can achieve the things they set their minds and hearts to. They also need to know that you are proud of them, not just for achieving good grades, but for anything they can learn, and sometimes even just for the fact that they tried to learn something.

Making school work

Developing a relationship with your son or daughter’s school can make an important contribution to his or her success in the education system. As well as enabling you to be informed and involved in your teenager’s schooling, it will also allow you to gain a fuller picture of your child’s whole development. Teachers may be able to alert you to concerns of which you were not previously aware, such as social difficulties or discipline problems.

Misconceptions

Parents and teachers can often be at odds with each other because they hold incorrect perceptions of each other. Parents sometimes perceive teachers as misunderstanding their child, not being tough enough, or not being interested enough. Teachers, on the other hand, can perceive parents as uninterested, overpowering, unsupportive, or over-involved. The reality, of course, is that the overwhelming majority of parents want the best for their children and are very interested in making sure they obtain a good education. The same is true of teachers, in that most really do care about the kids in their classes and have a genuine desire to help them all succeed.

Meet with the school

You should get to know your children’s teachers. This is useful for a number of reasons:

You will be better informed about your child’s education and the school if you know who the teachers are, and if they know who you are.

There is less likelihood of your child being able to play you and the school off against one another if he or she knows you are in regular contact with the school.

If there are problems at school you are far more likely to hear about them in the early stages, when it may be easier to address them, if you have an existing relationship with the school.

Making contact with the school can be difficult or easy, depending on a number of factors. It’s important to remember that while your priority is to talk to the teacher about your teenager, the teacher will be working with dozens of other students as well. Be reasonable in the requests you make of teachers, and try to be flexible. It will probably help if you don’t expect the teacher to drop everything and see you immediately. Try making an appointment well in advance, or at least check first to establish a convenient time to meet.

When you meet with the teacher, you will need to go in with an open mind and an attitude of genuinely seeking to understand their views and ideas, and also any struggles they may have had with your daughter or son. This will be a time when your own school experiences may come back to haunt you. Parents who have had difficult school experiences of their own may find such meetings very challenging. You might feel inadequate, sceptical, or irritable when talking with your child’s teacher. This is another one of those times when it pays to examine your own history first to ensure you are not acting out your own experiences orinsecurities in your teenager’s world.

Some of the key areas that you may want to discuss with the teacher are:

your teenager’s academic ability and, in particular, his or her strengths and weaknesses;

the teacher’s impression of your teenager’s belief in her-or himself;

information about your teenager’s peer group and social skills;

information about the amount of effort your child is making at school.

These are the areas that will best help you to help your children. You need to know your children’s strengths and weaknesses so that you can best target your efforts to help them. There may be additional resources that your children need, such as extra tutoring or particular books, or they may need help to realistically consider what kinds of careers best suit their interests and abilities.

It is important, too, to find out if there are any problems regarding your children’s belief in themselves and their ability to succeed. When teenagers start to give up on themselves, they can quickly slide downhill. Finding out about these kinds of difficulties early in the piece can help you to give extra support if it’s needed. Often this may entail simple gestures such as telling them you believe in them, helping them to remember all the other things they can do well, and encouraging them to keep going.

It’s also important to know about teenagers’ peer groups at school. Peer groups can have an enormous influence on your children’s academic performance, both positive and negative, so it’s good to know as much as you can about who your children mix with and what impact this may have. The issue of peer influence on school performance is covered later in this chapter.

Homework

Homework is one of those things, like keeping rooms clean, that causes strife in many families. All teenagers are going to go through at least some period of feeling that homework is boring and pointless. For some, this is all they ever feel about homework, so actually doing it is an ongoing struggle. Television never looks as appealing as it does when you have homework to do. Below are a few simple tips that may help you and your teenager to win the homework war:

Start early. The sooner your kids get into a homework routine, the easier it is likely to be. It usually helps if you have encouraged them to do this right from the time they first started school. When they grow up accepting that homework is simply a part of their day, you are less likely to have trouble with them as teenagers. If they still lack a homework routine at adolescence, however, it is important to insist that they get one started. Some self-discipline and organisation will be necessary if they are going to cope with the homework demands of high school.

Help them to establish a routine by setting some limits. For example, you may want to limit social activities during the week, as well as establishing phone-internet-and television-free times. You can set times for doing homework as well, but the responsibility for completing the homework is ultimately theirs.

Help them to access resources such as the library or the internet. But a word of warning about the internet: while it may be a great resource for gathering information, it can also be a procrastinator’s dream. If your teenagers have access to the internet, make sure that homework time isn’t filled up with endless surfing for trivia.

Try to provide them with their own working space. Ideally, teenagers should have a working space where there are as few distractions as possible. Also try to ensure that all the things they will need are close at hand so they will not have to get up to go and get things. It is during these ‘stationery gathering’ expeditions that teenagers are most likely to fall victim to diversions such as the dreaded television.

Keep up the contact with the school so that you know exactly whathomework your teenager is expected to do. It helps to know what the expected workload for each subject is, and the dates of significant project deadlines or exams.

If you have problems getting teenagers to complete their homework, here are some ideas that might help:

Put the steps mentioned above in place first, if you haven’t already.

Try to understand as fully as you can why they don’t want to do their homework. Do they think it’s boring, or pointless? Do they feel like they can’t do it or they are too stupid? What do their friends think or do about homework?

Talk to their teachers. Two heads are better than one, so it may be more effective to work with the teacher to solve the problem.

Show an interest in their homework, and support them in getting any information they need. But don’t do their homework for them. Some parents are tempted to do this, often with the best of motives. Unfortunately, the main lesson learnt by children who get this kind of help is that they don’t need to take any responsibility themselves.

Teach them to establish regular times for doing homework, and to setpriorities, organising what has to be done into a manageable timetable. As with teaching other skills, the best way to do this is often by asking questions that require them to think about the issues themselves: How much homework do you have this week? What will you need to do tonight to get through it all?

Put consequences in place for not doing homework. If you don’t work, then you don’t get paid. They need to have the same rules. You may want to deduct pocket money or curtail social activities.

Reward any positive efforts made with regard to homework. Seize anyopportunity to reward your children for their efforts, even if that effort seems small. Support and reinforcement are the best ways to nurture motivation and self-belief.

Help them to find other activities outside of their school work in which they can experience a sense of accomplishment as a result of making an effort. With luck, this sense of accomplishment may spill over into other aspects of their lives, homework included.

Remember that you can’t actually force them to do their homework. If you continue to push them, then they’ll probably just continue to rebel.

When there’s a problem

The most important thing is not to wait too long if you think there’s aproblem. If you are concerned about any aspect of your teenager’s school performance, talk about it with the relevant teachers. There can be no doubt that getting in early is by far the best approach. If you have an existing relationship with the teachers at the school, it will be easier to discuss any problems.

Helping your teenager to choose courses

Teenagers are faced with all kinds of choices about what to learn, and they are expected to make these decisions at much younger ages than in the past. Most schools offer students choices in terms of ‘specialising’ in areas such as science, economics, the arts, languages, music, and various technical subjects. Clearly the choice of subjects in high school will have a major influence on higher-level education and ultimately on the kinds of jobs for which they are eligible. We have a few suggestions to help your teenage children with these kinds of choices:

Find out what they are interested in and what they are good at. As we have said many times, it is important that they experience success, which will stimulate the desire to learn more. Interest is a key ingredient in academic success.

Help them to be realistic about their abilities. Not everyone is going to be a Nobel Prize-winning economist. Some people are good with numbers; others are better with words. Help them to find out what they are good at and then to extend these skills.

Help them to think about where their choices might lead them. If they have an interest in art, for instance, explore with them the options for pursuing this interest. They may not have thought a great deal about what options are available for people who have followed certain disciplines. Also help them to develop realistic pictures of their intended careers. Your teenager may have dreams of becoming a forensic scientist or a lawyer, dreams that are based more on television programmes like Boston Legal or CSI than on the realities of the day-to-day life of a lawyer or forensic scientist.

It’s never too late

Always remember that it’s never too late. It is common for people to go back to studying and to retrain for an entirely new career in their forties or fifties. If your kids make it through their working lives without at least a couple of major career changes, they’ll be in the minority. The choices they make as teenagers are important, but they’re not binding forever. It’s important to let your teens know this as well. Certainly encourage them to think carefully and choose wisely. It’s not helpful, however, for them to believe that choosing to study accounting in their final year of high school means that they are bound to accountancy forever. It’s a big world and there’s plenty of time.

Peer groups

As we’ve said several times, peer groups can have an enormous influence on a teenager. This is no less true in the area of schooling and vocation than in other areas. If you’re lucky, then your teenager will fall in with a positive peer group in which schooling is seen as important and is encouraged. In such a situation, parenting can be significantly less stressful.

Family stability is an important factor for young people as they move through high school and into tertiary education or further training. Moving towns and schools can be difficult for adolescents, as it may affect their developing peer relationships and social networks. This can be a key factor in lowering their self-esteem.

Invariably, problems arise when teenagers fall in with negative peer groups, in which school is seen as stupid and pointless.

Why do teenagers get involved with negative peer groups?

The answers to this question can be complicated. It may be that ateenager has low self-esteem, which results in low expectations of what they can achieve. If you don’t think you are a very good person or you think that you are not very smart, then it makes sense to join up with people who don’t believe in achieving things. Sometimes teenagers are not engaged in enough constructive activities, leaving them too much free time and too much energy. In this instance, the ‘thrill’ of being involved with a negative peer group can help to fill the void. For more thoughts on this issue, see Chapter 6.

How do I know if my teenager’s peer group is positive?

As you will probably know from your own adolescence, a lot of teenage activity is hidden from adults. You will probably never know exactly what your children get up to with their peer groups. This does not mean, however, that you cannot know anything. There are some simple steps you can take to get to know more about your teenager’s peers:

Welcome their friends into your home, even the ones you don’t particularly like. It’s better that you find out more about them than cut yourself off from them. You may even find that as you get to know them better your first impressions may not have been entirely accurate.

Make contact with their friends’ parents. If all the parents are talking to each other, it will be harder for the teenagers to ‘slip between the cracks’. This will make it easier for you to know more about the places your children go and the people with whom they are mixing. Other parents can also be a source of support. The chances are that if you are having problems with your teenager, then they will be having problems as well.

Talk to your son or daughter about their friends and what they do. This doesn’t mean that you interrogate them, but rather that you talk about their peer group with a genuine interest. See Chapter 3 for some ideas on how to do this.

What you can do to encourage positive peer groups

One of the ways in which you can encourage your son or daughter to beinvolved with positive peer groups is to make it easier for them to mix with this group. For instance, you might give them more freedom if they are out with teenagers who you feel are a good influence. You might also be more willing to take them in the car, or to have these friends over. Conversely, if your children are involved with negative peer groups, you may not let them stay out as late, go to as many places, and you might not transport them around as much. All this will make it easier for your teenagers to mix with good kids and harder to mix with not-so-good kids.

Be proactive by supporting their involvement in positive organisations like sports teams, youth groups, or clubs of various types. If they like outdoor activities, then you can support them in joining tramping or canoeing clubs, for example. Obviously you should never try to force your teenager to be involved with a particular group, but you can be quietly supportive of activities that you consider to be beneficial.

There will also be a time when you may need to take a stand against negative peer groups. This is particularly true when you believe that your son or daughter may be at risk. You may need to set limits on unacceptable behaviours, or in some cases, you may want to suspend contact with particular groups.

Choosing a vocation

Choosing a job or career path can be an extremely exciting time for young people. The act of choosing how you will earn your living is a major milestone in the transition from child to adult. At first it may seem that the choices are endless, which can in itself be a little daunting. As reality sinks in, however, your teenager will discover that choosing a career is fraught with many obstacles.

Essentially most parents want their children to have jobs in which they can be comfortable and happy. It can be difficult at this point if your children choose career paths that you feel are not making the most of their potential, or are not going to be the most sensible long-term options. Below are a number of suggestions to keep in mind as you enter this part of your teenager’s life.

Things you might try

Encourage your teen to dream, and to explore a range of career possibilities. Talk to them about their interests and where these might lead as potential job opportunities. Explore examples of work roles within the network of their family or their friends’ parents; for example, what jobs are their mum, dad, aunt, uncle, caregiver, friends’ parents, or neighbours doing? Explore the different types of jobs featured in the newspaper or on the internet, or listed in the Yellow Pages. Be creative — support your teens to expand on their dreams and possibilities. All ideas count! Remember, this is the beginning of a journey that may change many times over their lifetime.

Adolescents will also have access to careers advisors at school or private career counsellors within the community. These people are an invaluable resource for providing specialist assistance.

They can also gain a range of skills and experience through participating in sports teams, voluntary or paid part-time work, community involvement, church or youth groups, and music or recreational interests. These opportunities can lead to career possibilities as well as creating leadership opportunities and, in turn, greater maturity.

It is very important that your teen is encouraged to find out as much as possible about any jobs that interest them. This can be done by researching career-based websites, visiting career expos, reading industry magazines or speaking to someone who is employed in a particular role or area of interest.

Some high schools offer work-experience programmes within the community. These can provide a great opportunity for students to gain insight into different roles before they make important career or study decisions.

Having a ‘gap year’ can also provide an important opportunity for teens to gain life experience and apply their high school learning before making serious decisions about further study.

Don’t try to make them live your dreams

Almost all of the parents we have spoken to shared at least one desire: to save their children from making some of the mistakes they made. This is especially true in the choice of vocation. It can be very hard, as a parent, to let your children make choices about their careers that you feel are not good ones. They may want to leave school when you know that education is fundamentally important, for example, or they may want to do a course in an obscure subject with virtually no employment prospects. The unfortunate thing is that sometimes we all have to make our own mistakes in order to learn.

It’s worth constantly reminding yourself that you don’t always know what’s best for your kids. They also have some inside knowledge about their interests,abilities, and what they want in life. After all, they are the ones who have to live their lives, and so they have to make their own decisions and live with theconsequences of those decisions. You may have had all kinds of dreams as ayoung parent about what your children might do as adults. You may have wanted a doctor for a daughter, or a concert violinist. Yet your children will have their own passions, their own dreams, and your job as a parent is to help them to attain their dreams. They cannot live out your dreams; most people have enough trouble realising their own dreams, without trying to live the dreams that belong to someone else.

It’s worth constantly reminding yourself that you don’t always know what’s best for your kids

Talk to lots of people

One of the ways in which you can help your teenagers to make more informed choices about employment is to encourage them to talk to as many people as possible. If your child wants to be a mechanic, then try to find a mechanic who can talk to him or her about the job. Try to find a teacher from a mechanics course who can give advice about studying to be a mechanic. Sit down with your child and work out how much a mechanic might earn each week and what kind of lifestyle a person could lead with that kind of money. Look through the paper for a few weeks and show your child how many mechanics’ jobs are advertised.Encourage your daughter or son to ring up some of these employers and ask what kind of employees they are looking for. Inquiries like these can help teenagers to make informed decisions about whether or not their ideas match up to reality.

Just because you think it’s a mistake, it doesn’t mean that it actually is a mistake. Your child will probably have some different ideas from you about what success means

Applying for jobs and getting rejected

When teenagers start applying for jobs, they need a lot of support. At the beginning of the process this may be very practical support. It could involve helping them to look clean and tidy, for example, doing some practice interviews with them, and providing help and advice on getting their curriculum vitae together. They may also need some help to get to job interviews, as well as a chance to ‘debrief ’ afterwards with someone who is interested and supportive.

An inevitable part of applying for jobs is being rejected. Not many people get through their whole lives without being rejected for some position. For the young and inexperienced, the rejections can be more frequent and more hurtful. It’s tough being knocked back when you haven’t even started. Supporting teenagers when they apply for jobs and are rejected is particularly important if they are not to give up. You can help them to see each interview as an opportunity to learn new skills and to gain valuable experience. Right from the beginning, you need tobe telling them that being rejected is a normal and even useful part of applying for jobs. Each time they apply for a new job, they must develop new skills and build on old ones. This will be one of the times in their lives when your support and encouragement will be invaluable.

Again, remember that it’s never too late

As we said earlier, it’s important to remember that what may appear to be bad career choices at the beginning of a working life don’t necessarily last forever. Everything changes, and you never know where things might lead. Sir Edmund Hillary’s parents may have wondered if it was a good idea when he said he was going to become a bee-keeper, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s parents might have had similar concerns when he chose to become a body-builder. One could also wonder what her parents thought about one 16-year-old’s prospects when she left home, and then became pregnant at 17 — today this young woman, Paula Bennett, is a cabinet minister in the New Zealand government. You can’t make the right decisions all the time, so if you have to make a few mistakes, then adolescence is as good a time as any to make them.

Remember too that just because you think it’s a mistake, it doesn’t mean that it actually is a mistake. Your child will probably have some different ideas from you about what success means. Ultimately, what really matters is that your children are happy, and that you have a strong relationship with them. You may not agree with the idea of pursuing a career as a poet, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea. It just means that it’s not what you would do.

Teen Tip

‘While it’s good to dream big for your teen, stay grounded and don’t forgettheir happiness has far greater importance than their success.’

CHAPTER 6

Risk-taking
behaviour

Rushing down a mountain on skis, whitewater rafting on a grade 5 river, skydiving, riding on a rollercoaster at an amusement park or having sex: all these activities increase our breathing, make our heart race, and tense our muscles for action. These physical reactions are experienced as excitement. Excitement often involves risk, such as when we climb mountains or engage in other adventurous behaviours. Risk-taking, from this perspective, is a worthwhile pursuit. Adolescents, more than many adults, often involve themselves in thrill-seeking activities in order to have fun and feel excited. Risk, however, as in bungy jumping, needs to be calculated so that we can feel the excitement over and overagain without actually coming to any serious harm.

Research shows that adolescents are far more likely than adults to engage in risky behaviour. They might be motivated to engage in unsafe sex, drink to excess, use illicit drugs, drive dangerously and defy authority. Often these behaviours allow them to stand out from the crowd, feel special and/or develop their own identity (C Lightfoot, The culture of adolescent risk-taking).

Their own world

Why do adolescents miscalculate the risk? Many young people see themselves as unique and imagine they are somehow invincible, like a film hero or a famous rock star. The flipside of this unrealistic thinking is that they can also see themselves as ugly, fat, thin, or stupid. Either way, their perceptions of themselves can be quite inaccurate and this can lead to overly risky behaviours. They may have sex with people they don’t even like because they feel ugly and can’t imagine anyone else being interested. They may drive very fast or ‘play chicken’ in a car in order to act out a James Dean role. The way they see themselves — and want others to see them — stops them accurately assessing the risks involved.

Added to this quite normal adolescent preoccupation with oneself,adolescents are impulsive and are still in the process of developing their decision-making ability and skill.

Peer groups

Peer groups are very important to the adolescent, and how they view themselves often depends on the reactions of their friends. Young men drink to excess to prove their masculinity. Young women can put themselves in dangerous situations with older males just to show how sophisticated they are.

Peer groups can also have a positive effect when young people excel atsports or a particular skill in order to show others that they are fit or smart.Unfortunately, alcohol abuse or failing at school or university can also lead young people to feel valued in some peer groups. In not wanting to seem a ‘nerd’, they can act out negative and even dangerous behaviours.

In extreme cases, peer activities can have such an all-embracing hold on young people that they isolate themselves from their parents and immerse themselves almost completely in fantasy. For example, teenagers can become so involved in the characters in some group role-playing games that the lines between fantasy and reality become blurred.

Sometimes young people choose negative peer groups because they feel bad about themselves and unable to cope with the demands placed on them to learn, succeed, and get ahead. As a result of their attitudes or behaviour they may be excluded, or exclude themselves, from more positive peer groups.

What parents can do

No, the situation isn’t hopeless, and parents can play an important role in reducing the risk-taking behaviour of their daughter or son. Three key initiatives for parents in reducing risk-taking behaviour in their adolescent are:

Remain connected — connections with adolescents are best achieved using the ideas in Chapter 3, ‘Creating helpful family dynamics’ and Chapter 4, ‘Building better relationships’. This is a considerable challenge for parents faced with a son or daughter who, for example, is at risk from drug use or unsafe sex. Keep the communication going; let them know you love them while at the same time you dislike their dangerous behaviour.

Engage in managed risk-taking with your son or daughter; for example, whitewater rafting, parachuting, rock climbing, etc. Many outdoor experiences give adolescents the buzz they crave and provide opportunities for parents to teach their children to make appropriate decisions in risky situations. We have spent a considerable amount of time in the outdoors with adolescents who are impulsive, aggressive and unlikely to take direction. Time and time again, these young people have risen to the challenge of having to cooperate with others and make safe decisions for themselves and the group. For example, enlisting them in working out how to make a safe river crossing in the bush can have surprising results. Developing problem-solving skills in this context supports the use of such skills back at home and at school.

Support your adolescent to engage with positive social groups. It isimportant to do this with children and young adolescents, who can be quite headstrong and unwilling to take direction. Sports, church, scouts, etc. are useful groups for young people to be involved with, but if these don’t appeal you might need to use your imagination inencouraging them to engage with a positive social group. A young person who might not be seen dead in a scout uniform, for example, might love to be involved in go-karting.

Research shows that adolescents who are connected to their families are less likely to engage in risk-taking behaviours.

For single parents or those at the end of their tether (and it isn’t unusual) a mentor, who could be a family friend or someone from a community organisation that offers a mentoring service, could be brought in to play a part in your adolescent’s life. For example, a mentor who regularly takes a young person to sports games, movies, musical events etc., while taking an interest in various aspects of their lives, can make a positive difference towards their health and well-being. Having an adult mentor involved in the life of an adolescent significantly reduces the likelihood of their engaging in high-risk behaviour.

Discern the risk

Learn to discern where guidance is needed, which issues to take a stand on, and which to back away from. Allowing your son or daughter to attend a beach party may be a risk, but it won’t be as potentially harmful as letting them go on holiday in an unsafe vehicle. Examine your beliefs and discuss your concerns with your partner or a friend in order to become a discerning parent. Adolescents cansense unfairness or over-protectiveness like a bloodhound on a trail. Trust your instincts!

Adolescents can sense unfairness or over-protectiveness like a bloodhound on a trail

Set limits

It is important not to act as a tyrant. Use the minimum amount of ‘muscle’ necessary in order to keep young people safe. Wherever possible, use the techniques discussed in Chapter 3:give feedback, act as a coach, and discuss your concerns with your adolescent children. Be clear about any limits you are prepared to impose, and ensure they understand you are motivated by your love for them.

Joe’s story

Five adolescent males were living together in a flat. Their ages ranged between 17 and 19, and the place was a mess. Food seemed scarce, and the local takeaway acted as their supermarket. Two of the guys worked, while the others existed on welfare. There were parties every night, and booze and drugs seemed as normal as cornflakes in the morning.

Joe, the youngest, a 17-year-old, had become very unhappy and drank more than the others. His behaviour was erratic and dangerous. He would ride his motorbike fast when drunk. He would climb on the roof, swaying on top of the two-storey building. He had started to become aggressive at work, and his boss finally phoned Joe’s parents.

Joe’s parents, good people, could not understand how their law-abiding son had changed into someone who was antisocial and acted like he had a mental illness. They were at a loss, and talked their concerns through with a counsellor. The decision to control their 17-year-old son was difficult, but they made it. They drove around to the flat, packed his bags and escorted him to their car.

Over the following weeks, Joe’s behaviour changed just as dramatically as it had when he went into the flat. He settled down to his apprenticeship, changed his drinking habits, and his risk-taking behaviour diminished.

Joe’s parents had done several sensible things: they took a stand and moved him out of the flat; they were not critical in their attitude; they supported and affirmed him; and they gave him feedback about his behaviour.

Take a stand

Do not be afraid to take a stand in situations that are potentially harmful to your son or daughter. The two parents in Joe’s story found it really difficult to take control of their 17-year-old son. It was a risk for them: he could have become violent and resisted their attempt to help him. But he didn’t. Taking a stand paid off.

Taking a stand is a tough option for parents, but it is sometimes a necessary one. Set limits on risk-taking and do not give in to unreasonable requests. If your daughter or son wants to stay out all night and you consider it unsafe, do not accept it. If necessary, go and pick your teenager up. If your kids insist on driving cars with bald tyres or faulty brakes, get the vehicles towed away, even if they object.

No discussion, no negotiation

In taking a stand, it is important not to enter into discussions or negotiation regarding your children’s safety. The higher the risk, the greater the importance of taking a stand. These limits should extend to the people with whom your kids mix. Do not let them stay with people who are unsafe. Also, allow yourself to have a voice if they are going to be passengers in unsafe vehicles or with an unsafe driver. If they can’t think for themselves, think for them.

Teen Tip

‘It is unrealistic to think that your teen won’t take risks; you have to give thema certain amount of freedom. However, you should do your best to ensure theyare always safe.’

CHAPTER 7

Alcohol
and drugs

It’s late, well past curfew, and what’s worse, way past the time you need to get your beauty sleep, and still your kid isn’t home. You lie in bed trying not to think of all the dreadful possibilities, but that’s pretty much a hopeless task. Soon you’re lying in the dark with a series of tragedies playing out in your head. Finally, just when you are about to get up and start ringing around the local hospitals, you hear a car pull up in the drive. A door slams, there’s a honk, then the car departs with a squeal of tyres.

You get up and meet your teenager in the hall. You don’t want to beunderstanding; you just want to yell … Where the hell have you been? You’ve got your speech all worked out. You turn on the light and as your child looks up at you, your heart stops. The eyes are glazed, the grin all loose and silly, but worst of all is the smell, the distinctive perfume of old beer, and lots of it. In that moment you realise that you’re both about to walk out into yet another minefield, and you suddenly long for the days when the only substance you had to worry about your kid using too much was sugar.

There are few issues that fill parents with as much fear as alcohol and drugs. Let’s face it: we have all watched those mid-week movies in which good, clean-living kids slide down into a pit of addiction, family conflict, and the inevitable tragedies. Open up a newspaper and you’ll see it all — crime, runaways, accidents — and most of it seems to be drug-related. Politicians all over the world talk about the ‘war on drugs’, which is fine until you realise that your kids are in the front line; they are the ones being aimed at, by both the good guys and the bad guys. Party pills, cannabis, P — all the things parents fear most, yet all too often featuring in the media.

All this publicity can leave parents feeling freaked out and panicky. How do you know if your kid is using drugs or alcohol? How bad is alcohol? Does smoking a bit of marijuana mean that your daughter is going to go on to try harder drugs? Should you let your kids drink at home? How do you know if they have a problem? How can you talk to them about this stuff without it turning into a huge fight? What can you do if you think they have a problem but they don’t think they do?

In this chapter we look at the use and abuse of alcohol and drugs.Specifically, we look at some of the reasons why teenagers use substances, how the different kinds of drugs affect people, how to talk about alcohol and drug use, and what you can do if you’re worried that your teenager has a problem. We are not going to tell you how to grow marijuana for your children or make home-brew; we’ll leave that to other folks.

Why teenagers try alcohol and drugs

Experimentation

Often teenagers try alcohol and drugs for the same reason that Ed Hillary climbed Everest: because it’s there, and they want to ‘knock the bastard off’. Experimentation — wanting to try a new experience — is the primary motivator for the great majority of teenagers. Others are hell-bent on being ‘cool’, and rebellion = being cool!

This is a time in their lives when they are trying out all kinds of newexperiences. Experimentation helps them to develop a more sophisticated sense of themselves as independent individuals in the world. Alcohol and drug use is for many teenagers simply one more new thing to be tried, simply another notch in the belt of life. Having used drugs, they may think that they are more mature and cool than their peers who haven’t, while for others it’s a way of keeping in with the ‘in crowd’.

Peer pressure — feeling like their head is between a rock and a hard place

For most teenagers, there is a strong urge to be part of ‘the group’ and tohave some sense of belonging. Their peers are so important to them at this age that they will do almost anything to be included and be part of the scene. This urge influences us all throughout our lives, but it is more overtly felt during adolescence. Thus there is great pressure to conform to norms that, more often than not, horrify parents. As far as the issue of alcohol and drug use goes, the ‘norm’ can vary greatly between different groups of teenagers. Some groups will think that alcohol and drug use is good, while others will think it’s bad. Either way, if your teenager is in a group, there will be informal behaviours, attitudes and expectations of the group ‘rules’ regarding alcohol and drug use, and pressure to conform in order to fit in with these rules.

Emotional problems

Some teenagers begin to use alcohol and drugs as a means of dealing with emotional problems. These can include problems at home or school, stress, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties or abuse. For teenagers who are feeling stressed and unhappy, alcohol and drug use can appear to be a way out when they can find no other way to solve their problems. Problems can seem to disappear when teenagers, or adults for that matter, are drunk or stoned. There is a short-term feeling of being freed from worry and anxiety. Serious problems with alcohol and drug abuse can then develop if the teenager’s only way of dealing with the underlying emotional problems is to get ‘out of it’. They may become psychologically addicted, or worse still, psychologically and physicallyaddicted to drugs and rely on them as a way to deal with their problems.

A combination of reasons

It is likely that there will be a combination of reasons why a particularteenager may be trying drugs or alcohol. For some it could be a mixture of curiosity, boredom, and pressure from friends. Others may be attempting to deal with traumatic or upsetting memories, perhaps following the example of friends or even family members in trying to deal with their problems in this way.

Different kinds of drugs

There are many different types of substances that teenagers can abuse. Someof them are legal and some are illegal. Below are brief descriptions of the major classes of substances abused by teenagers. This is not an exhaustive list, nor are the descriptions comprehensive, and we suggest you contact your local community services if you want more detailed information.

Alcohol

Alcohol is a powerful drug, produced by fermenting yeast with sugar and starch. In its pure form it is a colourless, odourless liquid. The various colours and flavours of alcoholic drinks come from adding other ingredients.

Alcohol is still the most commonly abused drug in our society and the one that causes the most social problems. Among young people, it is by far the most widely used and abused drug. These days the liquor industry markets alcohol in forms that are designed to be as enticing to young people as possible.

Alcohol is absorbed directly into the bloodstream from the stomach and intestines, so its effects can be experienced relatively quickly. Just how much any individual is affected by alcohol varies according to a number of factors. These include:

How much alcohol is consumed, and how quickly: obviously, the morealcohol consumed, the higher the alcohol rating, and the more quickly it is consumed, the greater its impact is likely to be.

Young teens and drugs

Today’s teens are exposed to many different pressures at very young ages — drugs may appear on the scene when they are as young as 12 years of age (or even younger). Bear in mind that a 12-year-old may not yet have the capacity to make a sensible and informed decision as to whether or not to experiment with drugs. Making the wrong choice does not make a naive teen a rebel or a bad person. It may be a way to fit in or feel they belong, or to feel they are respected by a certain peer group. As you know, 12 years old is too young to experimentwith drugs, and if you suspect your teen may be doing so you must take action to stop it. Look for signs such as:

wanting more money than usual;

a change in mood (they seem low or depressed);

erratic patterns of behaviour, unwillingness to share the day’s events, shutting you out;

interest in school or hobbies decreases.

Teens may shut you out more because deep down they know they aremaking a wrong decision and don’t want to confront it.

Whether or not food is eaten while drinking alcohol: food helps to slow down the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream, and so it also slows down its effects and lessens its impact.

The size of the person: in general, the same amount of alcohol is likely to have more effect on smaller people and those with a lighter build.

The age of the person and his or her experience of drinking alcohol: alcohol is likely to have more effect on younger people and those who are less used to drinking it, so there is a need for adolescents to be particularly careful.

Whether the person is male or female: women tend to be more affected by alcohol, partly because of their relative size, but also because of differences in their body chemistry.

The general health and emotional state of the person: those with any sort of liver damage are particularly vulnerable, as the liver plays an important role in breaking down alcohol in the body; those who are emotionally distressed are likely to have their symptoms exacerbated by the effects of alcohol.

The immediate effects of alcohol also vary, although the initial sensation tends to be calming and relaxing. Basically, alcohol is a depressant, which means that it slows down the nervous system. Consequently the brain doesn’t function so well, and this becomes more marked as the amount of alcohol in the bloodstream increases. Memory, concentration, judgement, and self-control are affected. Reactions are slowed, and it becomes increasingly difficult to coordinate movements. Speech may be slurred and vision blurred. If you have ever had a bit too much to drink then you will know what we mean — the only difference between you and your child is that (hopefully) you now know when to stop, and are better able to make more informed choices about your alcohol use than they are.

At higher concentrations of alcohol, vomiting and unconsciousness can occur. In extreme situations, alcohol can kill people by interfering with the parts of the brain that regulate breathing. It is far more common, however, for people to die through alcohol-related accidents, or from breathing vomit into their lungs when unconscious.

The long-term effects of alcohol abuse can be extremely serious. The physical effects include stomach ulcers, skin problems, liver damage, brain damage, damage to the reproductive organs, and diet-related problems. Psychological effects include memory loss, confusion and depression. For most people reading this book, however, the main concern will be the short-term problems that arise from your child drinking too much.

For adolescents who are abusing alcohol, there may be broader socialproblems in addition to the physical reactions described above. Typically these include failing at school and problems in relationships at home, at school, at work, and with peers.

As if this isn’t enough to fill you with fear, there’s more. People can develop both a tolerance and a dependence on alcohol. ‘Tolerance’ refers to the fact that someone who consistently drinks high levels of alcohol over time needs increasing amounts to achieve the same effect. ‘Dependence’ refers to the fact that it is possible to become both physically and psychologically dependent on alcohol, to the point where people find it hard to stop drinking and feel that they can’t live without it.

If someone’s body has become dependent on alcohol, they will develop physical ‘cravings’ when the amount of alcohol in the bloodstream drops — much like someone who smokes cigarettes. They may have withdrawal symptoms, which include anxiety, sweating and tremors, and more serious physical effects such as convulsions and hallucinations. This condition is popularly known as the ‘DTs’, or ‘delirium tremens’. Alcohol can also have serious and permanent effects on unborn children. Drinking during pregnancy can result in permanent brain damage to the unborn child, and the baby developing what isknown as foetal alcohol syndrome.

‘Binge’ drinking, or drinking heavily over a few hours, and mixing alcohol with other drugs are potential problems for teenagers. Apart from the possible effects on their health, both of these activities can lead to young people putting themselves in dangerous situations as their ability to think clearly and act in an appropriate way is impaired.

Alcohol advisory groups have established guidelines for relatively safedrinking, which vary only marginally between countries in the Western world. These recommend that everyone has a least two alcohol-free days a week. For women, the recommendation is to have two or fewer ‘standard’ drinks a day, and for men, four or fewer. A ‘standard’ drink is commonly defined as 250 ml of beer, 90 ml of wine, 60 ml of sherry or liqueurs or 25 ml of spirits. However, these ‘standard’ drinks are smaller than the amounts that are often served.

Underage drinking

Let’s face it, it’s really easy for young people to get hold of alcohol — tooeasy for us to dare think about. In a study carried out in 2004, 70% of youths aged between 12 and 17 said they had no problem getting hold of alcohol. We all know that people want things they can’t have, and most of us can remember when we were younger and were told that we weren’t allowed to do something because we were too young and our parents didn’t want us to — we just did it anyway, to see what it was like and to be cheeky. The ‘rebellious’ image that goes with underage drinking gives young people a thrill and a feeling that they are ‘naughty’ and therefore cool. But these days kids seem to be getting into alcohol younger and younger, and understandably this is concerning for parents. Good, sound education and responsible use of alcohol by parents are the most important ways of ensuring that your kids will not abuse alcohol and other drugs.

Cannabis/pot/dope/weed/cabbage/grass

Cannabis, which goes by a variety of names, is widely smoked in NewZealand, particularly by young people. Studies estimate that at least half of all New Zealanders have tried cannabis at some time in their life, and that approximately 80% of young people (those under 25) have tried it.

Like alcohol, cannabis is a depressant. The name comes from the plant Cannabis sativa, and the primary active ingredient is a substance called delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). Different forms of cannabis can be used, the most common being marijuana, hash, and hash oil. We shall look at these briefly in turn:

Marijuana is the name given to the dried leaves, small stalks, and flowering heads of the cannabis plant. The concentration of THC is greater in the flowering heads and seeds than in the leaves. Marijuana is most often smoked.

Hash is sold in small brown-black-coloured solid blocks. Hash is made from the resin of the cannabis plant, which is dried and pressed into blocks. The THC is more concentrated in hash, which is usually smoked with tobacco or combined with food and eaten (for example, in hash cookies).

Hash oil is a thick, syrupy oil made from the leaves and flowering heads of the plant. Its colour can range from a golden brown to almost black. Hash oil is often sold in gelatin capsules that resemble vitamin tablets. Only a small amount is necessary to produce a marked effect, and hash oil is usually spread on cigarette papers or heated and the fumes inhaled.

THC is absorbed through the lungs or stomach and into the bloodstream. The length of time it takes to experience a ‘high’ depends on the form of cannabis being used, the way it is being used, and the concentration of THC. On average it can take between 30 minutes and an hour for the drug to have a noticeable effect, and the high can go on for several hours. THC is not water soluble, as alcohol is, but is quickly absorbed into the body fat. As a result, it can take from four to six weeks for the THC to be eliminated from the body.

The immediate effects of cannabis on the user vary according to factors such as:

dose;

body size;

the psychological state of the person taking it;

the form of cannabis being used;

the concentration of THC.

Generally, most people experience a sense of relaxation and well-being,lowered inhibitions (including a tendency to talk and giggle more), decreased coordination, and ‘tunnel vision’. People using cannabis also appear to have glazed and reddened eyes. At higher doses, they can experience paranoia, mild hallucinations, confusion, depression, anxiety, restlessness and panic.

These short-term effects obviously impair one’s coordination and the ability to drive a vehicle or operate any form of machinery, in a way similar to the effects of drinking alcohol.

The long-term effects of frequent cannabis use can be very serious.Marijuana cigarettes contain more tar than tobacco cigarettes and so logically present more risk of respiratory diseases such as lung cancer, bronchitis and emphysema. Long-term cannabis users are also at risk of decreased motivation, concentration, memory, and learning abilities. It is also possible that heavy cannabis use may cause psychotic behaviours such as ‘hearing voices’, hallucinations, and/or thought disturbances in some individuals.

Many teenagers have the belief that cannabis is harmless, and there are some organisations that actively promote this view. It is important that parents know the facts about cannabis and are up to date. The information provided here is the best that was available at the time this book was being written, but knowledge is always changing. Your local alcohol and drug agency should be able to provide you with pamphlets detailing the most recent information on the effects of cannabis.

Inhalants

‘Inhalants’ is a collective term given to a wide range of substances, which may be known as glue, gas, sniff, huff, chroming, poppers, fuels, aerosols, solvents or nitrates. They are grouped together mainly because they are used in the same way (that is, they are all inhaled). Substances in this category include petrol, solvents, deodorants, insect sprays, paint, glue, lighter fluid, and other forms of gas.

There are three common ways of using inhalants. They can be taken by breathing the substance in directly from cans such as aerosol sprays, by placing the substance in a bag and breathing in the fumes, or by placing the substance on a cloth and inhaling the vapours.

The immediate effects of inhalant use include feelings of relaxation, reduced stress, and detachment. They can also include acute toxic reactions, irregular heartbeat, unconsciousness, nausea, and vomiting. The long-term effects of inhalant use are very serious, and include damage to the brain or the respiratory system, decreased attention, decreased ability to learn, decreased coordination, and violent and unpredictable behaviour.

Using inhalants is extremely dangerous, and can result in death. The most common form of death occurs with a loss of consciousness followed by vomiting. Choking can then occur if the vomit is inhaled into the lungs.

Amphetamines

Amphetamines are a collection of drugs that are commonly known as ‘speed’. They were given this name because they are stimulants and work on the body by speeding up certain chemicals in the brain. Other names include whiz, crystal meth, ice, shabu, pure, P, base, rock, crank, and crack. Amphetamines are usually bought in the form of a white or yellow powder, or sometimes as a liquid. The drug is taken by swallowing it, ‘snorting’ (inhaling the powder up the nose), or by injection.

The drug P has had a greatly increased negative impact on New Zealand society over the past five years as it is relatively easy to synthesise from commonly available medications. It can be made in labs that are small enough to fit into a room or car boot; these are often called ‘clan labs’, short for clandestine (secret) laboratories. Making P produces a considerable amount of toxic and highly dangerous material.

The effects of amphetamines vary depending on body size, mood, how much is taken, where it is taken (for example, at home alone or at a party), and whether the person has also been drinking or using other drugs.

Immediate effects can include an intense feeling of confidence and energy, increased alertness, hyperactivity and talkativeness, and an ability to stay awake all night and not feel tired. On the down side, a person who has taken amphetamines can also feel anxious, irritable, paranoid, and very panicky. Some people become hostile and aggressive, and a few may even experience marked mental disturbances such as thought disturbances and hallucinations. In addition, very high doses of amphetamines can lead to death from heart attack or burst blood vessels in the brain.

In the longer term, a range of different effects can occur if amphetamines are used at high doses for a long time. These include malnutrition, reduced immunity to infections, and erratic and severely disturbed behaviour. In addition, as with alcohol, people can experience both a tolerance of and a dependence on amphetamines. They are HIGHLY addictive.

Ecstasy

‘Ecstasy’ is the common name for methylenedioxymethamphetamine, orMDMA. It is also known as E, pills, eccy, X, XTC, the love drug, lollies, and bikkies.

Ecstasy is a stimulant that is chemically similar to amphetamines andhallucinogens. It is usually sold as small white or yellow tablets that are swallowed. In recent times it has been associated with ‘rave’ parties, where people take the drug then dance all night.

The immediate effects of ecstasy include sensations of floating and an intense feeling of confidence, well-being and closeness to other people. At higher doses, hallucinations can occur. Other effects include dehydration, nausea, increased blood pressure, anxiety and paranoia. MDMA has developed a reputation as the ‘sex drug’, hence the term ‘ecstasy’. There is, however, no evidence that MDMA really does improve sexual performance.

There is currently little conclusive evidence about the long-term effects of using ecstasy, although it seems highly likely that it does affect health. We do know that people can develop a tolerance to ecstasy, requiring them to take higher and higher doses for the same effects.

A few people suffer adverse reactions to relatively small amounts of the drug, especially if it is taken in conjunction with other drugs or alcohol.

Questions parents ask

Do teenagers start on the ‘milder’ drugs and then go on to harder drugs?

Many parents fear that using marijuana will lead their children to ‘harder’ drugs. The good news is that a number of studies have found no evidence that experimentation with drugs such as marijuana leads to the use of harder drugs. While it is true that some teenagers start with marijuana and then begin using harder drugs, this is not true for the great majority of adolescents who experiment with drugs. If it were true, we would be a nation of heroin addicts, given the large number of adolescents who try marijuana.

What are the warning signs of drug or alcohol abuse?

It would be nice to be able to give parents a checklist of warning signs that could be used to determine whether their teenagers are abusing alcohol or drugs. Unfortunately, as with most things in life, it just isn’t that simple. The reason for this is that many of the typical warning signs are also common signs of normal adolescence, including mood swings, red eyes, sleep disturbances and bad skin.

Probably the only sure sign that your children may be experimenting with alcohol and/or drugs is physical evidence such as bottles of alcohol or packets of drugs. If you are not sure what the various drugs look like, talk to the staff at your local alcohol and drug agency. They will be able to provide you with information about the appearance of the more common forms of drugs used by teenagers.

One thing that is true anywhere in the world is that drugs are not free. As a result, you may have cause to be suspicious if your teenager is spending a great deal of money with nothing obvious to show for it. There is only so much that you can spend on things like junk food and video games. It may also pay to be suspicious if your teenager starts to steal money or to sell their own or others’ property.

What should I do if I think my teenager might have a problem?

Don’t panic!

Probably the best advice that we can give parents in this situation is not to panic. For the great majority of parents, the suspicion that their child has been using drugs will bring up all kinds of fears, anxieties and paranoia. Probably the worst thing you can do in this situation is to go charging in to give your teenager the third degree. Nine times out of ten, this will only end in a round of angry shouting and recriminations.

You also run the risk of alienating your teenager, leading them to go‘underground’, and making it very difficult for them to come to you in the future. Your kids may have doubts or concerns themselves, so it is important to broach the subject carefully so that they feel free to talk

Hemi’s story

Hemi was 13 when he first tried marijuana. He began smoking it at parties with his friends and gradually, because he liked it so much, began to use more and more. When his parents eventually found out what was happening they were horrified.

Hemi’s father thought all people who took drugs were losers, and his mother was convinced he would turn into a heroin addict. After months of arguments and fighting they finally dragged him into a counselling session. Everybody was angry at everybody else, and Hemi’s parents were both terrified of what might happen. As is often the case, the fear turned out to be a big part of the problem. What had been happening was that Hemi’s parents were both so frightened thatthey always ended up lecturing him, getting angry, crying, or variouscombinations of these reactions. Nobody was listening to anybody else.

In counselling, once everybody learnt to keep quiet and listen more, all kinds of interesting things emerged. Hemi’s parents were relieved to know that he wasn’t necessarily going to turn into a ‘junkie’. For his part, once Hemi felt that his parents would really listen to him, he began to open up more. It turned out that he had been wanting to cut down on his marijuana use for a while but felt that if he did he’d be losing face. He didn’t want his parents to feel as if he’d given up for them, and he didn’t think they would understand that he had made the decision on his own.

The family attended several counselling sessions together and worked on improving communication. In particular, they focused on how to listen to one another, especially when they were feeling frightened. Hemi also had some individual sessions to talk through his drug use, and after six months he stopped using marijuana altogether.

This family was lucky. They got some help before their fear and stubbornness escalated into a full-blown war. It’s understandable to be afraid for your children, but you should never let fear be the only one in the driver’s seat. All too often, that will only make things worse.

with you. Nothing good will ever come from charging in and acting out of fear. So remember: no matter how angry or frightened you may feel, don’t panic — or resort to using yourself!

Make sure you are informed

It is very important that you know the facts when you are talking with your teenager. When you are well informed about the various drugs, you can pass this information on to them and can also respond to any misinformation they may come back with. Remember that knowledge is power, and that the more knowledge you have about drug use and its effects, the more you will be able to converse with your teenager in an informed and reasonable manner.

Think through the issues for yourself first

It’s a good idea, before you sit down with your teenager, to spend some time thinking about your own teenage experimenting. You would be wise to consider all the crazy things you tried, and the things you would have liked to have tried but couldn’t, when you were their age. If you didn’t take drugs, ask yourself what was the reason. Was it that you were against drugs, or did you not know how to get them? What kind of drugs would you have tried if you had had access to them?

You can’t expect teenagers to listen to your opinion about their alcohol and drug use if your own is a problem

You can be sure that your children will have some tough questions of their own, and you may want to anticipate some of these. For instance, they may bring up times when they have seen you have too much to drink. They may bring up other kinds of drugs that you use. There may be other people in the family who drink or take drugs. This is a time when your child is likely to get justifiably angry if you are playing the ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ game. You can’t expectteenagers to listen to your opinion about their alcohol and drug use if your own is a problem. If your teenager detects even the faintest glimmer of hypocrisy, you can bet your bottom dollar they’ll let you know. So, whatever you do, make sure you have dealt with any alcohol and drug problems of your own before you try to clean up theirs.

It is useful to think about all these kinds of issues and to prepare somereasonable responses to any questions or challenges that your teenager may bring up. If you don’t, then you run the risk of giving them an off-the-cuff response that appears defensive or dismissive.

Model and coach the behaviours you want

As with other issues, it is important to model and coach the behaviours and attitudes to drugs and alcohol that you want from your children. While you are no longer the only influence in their lives, they will still learn much from your example — whatever you do. The best place for adolescents to learn responsible attitudes to alcohol and drugs is in the home.

If you don’t drink alcohol or use any drugs, explain your reasons. If you believe that moderate use of alcohol is acceptable, teach your children what this means: encourage them to have food with any alcohol they consume, to drinkwithin sensible limits, and to say ‘No’ to peer pressure. You will also need to provide clear guidelines about drink-driving. This may learn responsible involve helping in practical ways such as by providing transport or money for taxi fares, ensuring that their cellphone is topped up, or giving them a phone card to use inemergencies.

The best place for adolescents to learn responsible attitudes to alcohol and drugs is in the home

Talking with your teenager

Here are a few suggestions that may make it easier to talk with your teenager about your concerns:

The first thing is, as always, not to panic

Don’t panic! We’ve said it before, but it doesn’t hurt to say it again. Take a deep breath, think happy thoughts, and do whatever you need to do to keep calm. Try as hard as you can to convey the impression that you are reasonable, open to discussion, and wanting to hear your teenager’s perspective, even if you don’t feel that way.

Don’t come in strong and accuse. This kind of approach inevitably leads to counter-accusations and denial. If you need to, get all that stuff out of your system before you talk with your teenager — blow off some steam with your partner, a friend, even a pillow, but go into this conversation open and curious.

Before broaching the subject, choose your moment carefully. Wait for a time when you are all able to talk, everyone is feeling relaxed, and there are no lingering ill feelings from previous arguments. Often the best way to broach the subject is to begin by asking your teenager what he or she thinks about drugs and drug use. You might start at a more general level, talking about other kids at school, then slowly bring the focus in to your teenager.

Avoid accusations and criticisms. These are only likely to lead to angry protestations of innocence. It is important to reassure teenagers that you are not accusing them or passing judgement. Rather, you are interested in talking with them about alcohol and drug use to see what they think about the issue. If the discussion deteriorates into accusations and denials, then you’ve both lost.

Ask about both the good and the not so good things about alcohol and drugs. It’s important that you acknowledge the things about alcohol and drug use that they enjoy, as well as the things that concern you. Most teenagers enjoy at least some part of the alcohol and drug experience, so it’s important to let them know that you understand this. This kind of approach will also help to make teenagers less defensive. Once they know that you have listened and have
understood what they like about using alcohol and/or drugs, it is often easier to talk about the things that are not so good. This might seem as if you are encouraging alcohol and drug use by talking about the enjoyable aspects, but it is simply acknowledging the teenager’s reality. After all, if there was nothing good about alcohol and drugs, then neither teenagers nor adults would use them.

It is useful to ask teenagers if they would like some information on the effects of using alcohol and drugs. You could offer them a range of suggestions about where they might be able to get this information. Alternatively, you could get the information first and then talk with them; you could give them some pamphlets, or you could arrange for them to talk to someone from a local alcohol and drug agency. The best thing is to let your teenager decide how they would like to get the information, then to let them know that you are willing to talk withthem after they have had time to think things through.

Above all, try to keep the lines of communication open. Criticism andarguing make it impossible to have a discussion on any topic. When you can talk openly and rationally with teenagers about alcohol and drugs, then they are much more likely to listen to what you have to say. They will also be much more likely to ask you for help if they need it.

What to do if they deny it’s a problem

The worst position to be in is one in which you have calmly listened to your teenager, you’ve given them some information on drug use, you’ve gently laid out your concerns, you still believe that they have a problem with substance use, but they are adamant that they don’t. What do you do now?

The first thing is, as always, not to panic. Getting angry or resorting to lectures or threats will, most likely, only make matters worse. You need to be constantly working to show your teenager that you only want to help them and that you are always prepared to listen or engage in discussion.

Because this position is so difficult for everybody, it’s important that you don’t try to go it alone. Most communities have a number of different agencies that provide services to families experiencing problems with drug and alcohol abuse; you can usually find them through your local citizens advice bureau or hospital. It can be very useful to see a counsellor who specialises in these problems, especially if your teenager will agree to join you. It often helps to describe the purpose of such a session to the teenager as an opportunity for the whole family to get more information, and not to single them out as ‘the problem’. Even if your child refuses to see a counsellor, it is still worth going yourself as you can get information, support, and fresh ideas from someone withmore experience in these kinds of issues.

Remember, too, that just as knowledge is power, so is unity. Get to know your teenager’s friends. You may want to take the initiative and call a parents’ meeting so that you can all share your concerns and offer one another support. It is much harder for teenagers to keep their families in the dark if all the parents in a group are regularly talking with each other and swapping information. This does not mean that you need to establish a spy network. It does mean, however, that you will have a much better idea of where your teenagers are and what they are doing. It will also make it more difficult for them to say that they are staying at a particular person’s house when they are not.

It’s important to remember that parents have rights too. You have theright not to have alcohol and/or drugs in your house if you choose. It’s important to let your kids know that there is a bottom line and that they are expected to respect it. If the bottom line is not adhered to, then you should apply some consequences. This could involve an earlier curfew, reduced phone privileges, or grounding them. If you give in and let your teenagers keep drugs in the house, then you are sending them a powerful message that they are free to do as they please. This may not be the best kind of message to give in these circumstances.

Teen Tip

‘To a certain extent you will probably have to accept alcohol, but the mostimportant thing is that they know what your expectations and boundaries are. If they are reasonable your teen is likely to listen.’

CHAPTER 8

That
three-letter word
— sex

It may only be a three-letter word, but just the thought of the three letters when arranged to spell the word ‘sex’ can cause a great deal of agitation and stress for the parent of a teenager. Take Sara’s story, for example.

Sara’s story

I was tidying my daughter’s room. It was meant to be helpful for her … then I came across a contraceptive packet in one of her cupboards. Initially I couldn’t believe it, but then it dawned on me what was happening. My daughter was having sex with this thing she called a boyfriend — the long-haired good-for-nothing lout. Yes, the one who thought he knew what was better for my daughter than her mother did — the cheek of it! I called John, my husband, and told him what I had found. I was ready to yell at her and kill the boyfriend. And what made it worse was that they were going away on holiday and that meant only one thing … that they would do it then! My only daughter — my eldest child, what’s more … this was not what I had done … well, certainly not at this age. I told her in no uncertain terms what I thought and that she had certainly better not be doing it in our house. As for John, he told her how disappointed he was. I can only think that it was not my daughter who had decided this should take place, but the arrogant thing she calls a boyfriend. I had always had concerns about him and now they were confirmed!

How many times have you heard this story? Does it remind you of your family situation, or is it something that you have dreaded happening? Or does it remind you of your own childhood? In this chapter we address some common parental concerns about teenage sex, and provide strategies to guide you and your adolescent in discussing this often difficult subject.

So what’s the problem with sex?

As we all know, children usually start to find out about sex well before adolescence. It is during the teenage years, however, that sex becomes more meaningful and relevant. Young people learn about sex and sexuality in a variety of ways. In addition to what they may hear from their parents, they are also likely to learn from friends, experimentation, school programmes, toilet walls, under park benches and — increasingly these days — media such as television, films, and particularly the internet. We’ll deal with the internet separately, in Chapter 9, as it’s likely to be one of the biggest influences on your child and their relationship to sex.

Because of the way they were brought up, many parents feel uncomfortable talking with their children about sex and sexuality. In such cases, children (and parents!) may go ‘underground’ and learn from other sources. The trouble with this is that the information they get is often misleading and may end up confusing them. If we want children to make responsible decisions about their futures, it is crucial that information is passed on in an open, accepting and positive their parents. Examining way — preferably by your own feelings and beliefs about sex is therefore important if you are going to have rational discussions with your children as they mature sexually. Some suggestions for doing this are provided in Chapter 4.

If we want children to make responsible decisions about their futures, it is crucial that information is passed on in an open, accepting and positive way — preferably by their parents

Those things called hormones

Adolescents are faced with a huge number of physical changes in their bodies resulting from an increase in hormones. These hormones are responsible for changing your teenager from a child into an adult. Girls tend to begin their physical growth spurt several years earlier than boys. Unfortunately, emotional development does not always keep up with physical development.

Hormones act as chemical messengers to organs in the body. Growth, reproduction, control of metabolic processes, sexual attributes, and even mental conditions and personality traits are dependent on hormones. The specific sex hormone in females (oestrogen) originates in the ovaries, while the male hormone (testosterone) is produced in the testicles. It is these two hormones that are responsible for the dramatic and often inexplicable behavioural and emotional changes that adolescents experience.

Education versus ignorance

A large part of being an adolescent is about trying things for the first time. Sex is no exception. Let’s face it: these days children are having sex earlier than we did. With or without their parents’ knowledge or approval, a considerable number will have sex during adolescence, and unfortunately some will have sex when they are still young teenagers or even pre-teens. It is important, therefore, that they are well informed. Some knowledge is better than none, and a lot of knowledge is even better. From a base of sound knowledge we can hope that children will make better, well-informed choices.

You may worry that the more information your child has, the more sex they will have. This is not the case. Knowledge allows them to make informed choices and increases the likelihood that they will act in responsible ways. Knowledge may save them from unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). They need to know about human biology, reproduction, sexual feelings, STDs, contraception, and also about respectful relationships.

Some knowledge is better than none, and a lot of knowledge is even better

As we’ve said, adolescents get their information about sex from a variety of sources, so it is most important that they get accurate information from their parents. Toilet walls, school desks, and lunchtime gossip sessions may provide a steady stream of information, and though much of it is probably very entertaining, its accuracy is often questionable.

From our experience as counsellors and psychologists in treating adolescent sexual offenders, we know that one of the reasons some adolescents sexually offend is because they have insufficient information about sexuality and the importance of respectful relationships with sexual partners. Adolescent sexual offending may begin as experimentation and develop into more extensive and abusive offending. Another

Some basic facts that they need to know

Condoms are a protection against most sexually transmitted diseases.

A small number of STDs will be transmitted even if a condom is used.

The more sexual partners you have without using condoms, the greater the likelihood of getting an STD.

While condoms provide some protection against disease, they are not the most reliable form of contraception, and should ideally be used in conjunction with more reliable contraceptives.

Alcohol and/or drugs can interfere with a person’s judgement and reduce the likelihood that they will make clear and informed decisions.

good reason for providing accurate information about sex is, therefore, to help prevent sexual abuse and unwanted sexual experiences.

Parents’ beliefs

We all have different opinions, beliefs, and values. This is one of the interesting things about the world, but it is also the basis for a lot of conflict. Accepting the fact that our children are unique and free-spirited individuals is usually something that we cherish. When it comes to sex, however, it may not be so simple.

Inevitably, some parents find it easier than others to accept that their children are sexually active. We don’t suggest for one minute that you throw your own values out the window. In fact, we suggest you do quite the opposite. To an extent, children’s values and beliefs, along with their ability to deal with their sexuality, will reflect their parents’. As tricky as it may be in practice, it is important to strike a careful balance between talking to your child about your own values and acknowledging the different attitudes between the generations. The fact is that, by late adolescence, many young people may have had a sexual relationship of some sort and be sexually active. You may not like this, and may prefer to bury your head in the sand, but can you stop it? Although it may not fit in with your beliefs, it is still likely to happen.

If you only tell your child not to do it, you may deny them access to information they need — information that will help them to keep safe and to develop a sexually responsible relationship with someone they care about. Consider the following questions:

If your child may be having sex, is it better for them to be educated or uneducated about the subject?

Would you rather your child found out about sex from you or from other sources such as school gossip sessions, behind the bike sheds or from internet chat rooms?

Is it better to have protected or unprotected sex?

If you have a closed mind and maintain a rigid attitude, will this lead to open communication?

Open communication will encourage healthy debate on the subject and will minimise the risk of closed minds and closet behaviours. Here are a few hints on how to talk about sex.

Do:

Make an effort to talk openly and honestly about sex as a normal part of life.

Listen to your child’s point of view.

Create an environment where your children are able to express their views without feeling they will be criticised.

Talk with your children about the reasons behind your point of view.

Be honest with them if they ask you whether you had sex at their age. (Relax! We do not suggest for a moment that you tell them the details of what you did.)

Try to understand the norms for their generation and particular peer group.

Be clear with your children about what behaviour you will accept at home.

Get straight to the point — don’t beat around the bush when talking with them about sex.

Provide clear and factual information — this is what works best for adolescents.

Educate them about the importance of acting responsibly.

Remember that there is a legal age at which they are able to have sexual intercourse.

Remember that it is perfectly OK to remind them and their girlfriends or boyfriends about this.

Don’t:

Lecture and preach to your children about how things were better in your day and how values have deteriorated; even if you feel that this is so, it is unlikely to influence their behaviour or to improve your relationship with them.

Only tell your children about all the negative things about sex; for most of us, sex can be enjoyable and fun, and the excitement of sex is one of the reasons why adolescents are drawn to it — not to mention the fact that sex is a normal part of life.

Don’t talk to them across the dinner table or in a lecture-style format. Sensitive topics like these are often better broached and dealt with when you are doing some other activity such as driving, or even going for a walk.

Peer pressure and identity

As we have noted previously, the developmental period of adolescence is characterised by a search for identity and looking for the answer to the age-old question ‘Who am I?’ Adolescent sexuality plays a central role in this search, as does pressure from peers to express this sexuality in specific behaviours, actions, and attitudes. Adolescents are desperate for acceptance from others, and often have doubts about this and their ability to fit in.

There is an ugly side to peer pressure relating to sexual behaviour. Every generation has its own derogatory labels for girls, both those who do consent to having sex, and those who refuse. With this type of attitude so prevalent, it is no wonder that many girls’ first sexual experiences are negative and distressing. For boys there is pressure from their male peers to be seen as sexually successful. As parents, you will find it important to reinforce your children’s rights not to have sex and to give them strategies that they may use to deal with peer pressure.

Am I gay, straight, or in between (bisexual)?

There is increasing scientific evidence that a person’s sexual orientation is largely determined by their genes before they are born, although some people may change their sexual practices according to their experiences, age, and personal beliefs. Trying to force people to change their sexual orientation is, however, like expecting people who are born to be tall to curb their growth, or people with blue eyes to hide behind dark contact lenses, or people who are short to get taller. It is judging them for something they cannot change, and denying an essential part of their identity.

If your child thinks that he or she may be gay or lesbian, then they will need someone to talk to who can provide information and support

Though they will rarely discuss this with their parents, many adolescents question their sexual orientation at some time. In fact, it is normal to do so, as this is an integral part of finding out who and what they are. It is not unusual for young males in particular to think that they may be homosexual, and this may include sexual experimentation with other males. For many adolescents, this reviewing of their sexual options reinforces the fact that they are heterosexual. For others, however, it may confirm the fact that they are homosexual. Given the ignorance and prejudice that still exists in most societies, this can be difficult both for adolescents and for their families.

If your child thinks that he or she may be gay or lesbian, then they will need someone to talk to who can provide information and support — there are many great support services available (for example, Rainbow Youth) and we suggest that you look on the internet to locate those in your area. Your teenager will also need your acceptance and unconditional love. Both teenager and parent may find it helpful to talk to a counsellor who specialises in issues relating to sexuality.

Can I stop my child having sex?

Providing a 24-hour guard and/or locking up your sons and daughters is not an option in a modern civilised society. Consequently, there is no way you can be totally sure that your adolescent children are not sexually active. There are, however, some things that you can do to help them avoid sexual relationships before they are sufficiently mature, both physically and emotionally, to make positive and responsible decisions. Some of these are particularly relevant for younger adolescents. Here are some suggestions:

Provide them with the information they need to make sensible decisions, including guidelines for having a good sexual relationship.

Encourage their involvement in constructive leisure activities so that they are not bored or lonely.

Encourage them to develop confidence and self-esteem so that they are less likely to be drawn to sexual activity as a way of ‘proving’ themselves.

Ensure that there is adult supervision when they are at home, or visiting friends, with girlfriends or boyfriends.

Encourage outings in groups rather than as couples when they are out with their friends.

Establish rules at home about not taking a boyfriend or girlfriend into their bedroom, or at least about leaving doors open if they are alone in a room together.

Check on transport arrangements when they are going out.

Make sure they have their cellphone with them.

Talk to them about the pressures they might experience, both from a potential sexual partner and from their peers. Tell them about their right to say ‘No’, and about strategies for avoiding or escaping from unsafe situations.

Check on school policy. Make sure that the school will let you know if your children are absent without permission.

Set reasonable limits on how long they are allowed to stay out at night.

Make sure you know who their friends are and what they are doing. Welcome their friends to your home and make contact with their parents.

Ensure that they have had all the help they need if they have ever been sexually abused, as abuse can lead teenagers to become sexually active at an earlier age.

And one of the most important things — keep the lines of communication open.

Masturbation

The old story that you will go blind if you masturbate is obviously false, as you are reading this book! It is healthy to remember the joke that 99% of men masturbate and the other 1% are lying. Let’s face it: nearly all men masturbate on a regular basis (the frequency obviously varies from person to person), and research shows that women also masturbate, although less frequently. The frequency of masturbation is much higher in adolescence for the obvious reasons that their sex hormones are doing overtime and their sexual drives are much stronger, plus they are less likely to be in a regular, stable sexual relationship.

What’s important is not whether they masturbate, but when, where, and with whom. We don’t suggest that you discuss masturbation as part of the dinnertime conversation on a Monday night, but if the subject does come up we believe it’s good to give them the message that it’s a normal behaviour as long as it is done in privacy. You won’t be punished for masturbation, and it’s one of the few things in life that is enjoyable that is not talked about. Masturbation is often a way for adolescents to become comfortable with their sexuality, but make sure they do it in a place where they won’t offend anyone else.

Pornography

The use of pornography to stimulate arousal is not uncommon for adolescent males. It’s also very easy to access these days — you can get anything you want (and don’t want!) off the internet. Pornography is, however, degrading to women, often presenting them as powerless objects to be used for male satisfaction. This is of particular concern, as it affects how people think and feel, and ultimately may affect their behaviour. It also takes the most important thing out of sex: the relationship.

Talk to your teenagers about pornography, and about the images it conveys. By challenging the messages implicit in pornography, you help to provide adolescent males with a foundation for having equal and respectful relationships with others. A home environment that is loving and caring, and that condemns pornography, will enhance these responsible and respectful relationships.

Pornography is of particular concern when a young person is using it excessively, or if it depicts children or violence. In such cases, it is important for parents to contact a counsellor, as it is not uncommon for sexual offenders to use pornography as a catalyst for their offending. Many of the attitudes that support the objectification of women as depicted in pornography are common among sexual offenders.

Internet safety

Parents need to be particularly aware of the internet, and the possible negative ramifications of children viewing and downloading inappropriate material, or meeting people via chat rooms, etc. There are specialist organisations whose job it is to provide education to young people and parents about safe, secure and responsible use of the internet. Netsafe is one such organisation, which provides excellent services and information. We recommend that you go online and see what it has to offer, and download some of the educational material. See Chapter 9 for more on this subject.

Relationships

These days it is common for people to engage in some sort of sexual relationship before marriage, and as we have discussed, young people are experimenting with sex at much earlier ages than previously. Adolescence is an experimental time, and teenagers may move into new peer groups or fall out with old friends at an alarming rate. It is also not uncommon for adolescents to change ‘girlfriends’ or ‘boyfriends’ within a short time. Remind your adolescent that they can be ‘in love’ without having sex.

Date rape

Unwanted or forced sexual acts by someone known to the victim are as serious as those perpetrated by strangers. Although these are seldom discussed, they are the most common forms of sexual abuse experienced by adolescents. Factors that contribute to such acts include a lack of respect for the rights of others; a lack of experience, which can lead to unwise choices by both males and females; peer pressure to be seen as sexually active, and the strong male sexual urges of adolescence combined with a lack of self-control.

Regardless of the circumstances, responsibility for rape always lies with the abuser

Date rape by an adolescent male must be taken seriously by adults. It is no different from any other rape and should be treated accordingly. Regardless of the circumstances, responsibility for rape always lies with the abuser. He should be referred to an appropriate treatment agency to prevent further offences.

The effects on victims can be devastating. No one ‘asks’ to be raped. Victims need support and counselling, as these can have a considerable impact on their recovery.

It is important to educate your children about date rape and other overt (i.e., physical) and more subtle abuses of power (i.e., emotional) that can occur in relationships. Such abuses of power include any kind of sexual harassment or unwanted sexual touching, being involved in a sexual relationship with someone who is significantly older, or being involved with a partner who refuses to take responsibility for birth control. Both girls and boys need guidance to help them recognise unsafe situations, and strategies for avoiding and getting out of danger. They need to know that they can come to you for support and practical help without fear of being judged or blamed if they are abused or in an abusive relationship where they feel powerless.

Keeping the lines of communication open

Whatever you tell your children about sex, it is important to keep the lines of communication open if you want to have any influence and know when they may need help. There are two main ways in which you could inadvertently close the door on any discussion about sex.

The first is if you feel uncomfortable discussing the subject, perhaps as a result of your own upbringing or bad experiences. If this is the case, probably the best thing to do is to acknowledge your discomfort honestly. Try saying something like, ‘You know, my parents never talked to me about sex … It was different when I was your age; adults didn’t tell us much about sex … I still feel a bit embarrassed talking about it.’ Just acknowledging the fact that you find it hard to talk about sex, while obviously making an effort to overcome your difficulty, may go a long way towards demonstrating that sex is not going to be a taboo subject in your family.

The other way in which you can cut the lines of communication is to give the message that there is only one ‘correct’ attitude to sex, and that other ideas are not acceptable. While many of us have strong opinions about sex and sexuality, it is important in dealing with teenagers to be prepared to back up our beliefs with good reasons, and to be willing to discuss other ideas. Closed minds can lead to closed communication.

So what should we tell them?

The most important thing is to highlight the fact that healthy sex comes from having healthy, respectful and responsible relationships. It involves caring about the other person and being sensitive to what they want and need. It involves thinking of the other person. It involves protecting yourself and your partner from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. It involves thinking of your partner as a person with his or her own rights and needs, and not just as an object to be used for your own sexual gratification or ‘point scoring’. It involves taking responsibility for your actions when things go wrong.

Tell your adolescent children:

Sex can be an exciting part of a good relationship, something to be treasured and enjoyed.

Sex is not a game to be played without consideration of serious potential consequences, such as pregnancy and disease.

Sex stirs up lots of strong emotions, and that they will need some wisdom and maturity before they are ready to deal with these feelings.

About the differences between sex and love.

They don’t have to have sex with anyone they don’t want to. Teach them how to say ‘No’.

And once again remember that, whatever you tell them, they will learn more from your actions than from what you say. If you have modelled respectful, caring and loving relationships within your own family, you have helped to put them on the right track. This will show them how to treat other people, and also what sort of person they may want to have a relationship with. This does not guarantee a lack of problems, but it does mean that the issue of sex is likely to be less troublesome.

What do I do if my child is pregnant?

Teenage pregnancy raises many issues for parents. Michael and Jodie’s story explains how one family dealt with this difficult situation.

Michael and Jodie’s story

I had known for several months that our 17-year-old son, Michael, was sleeping with his 16-year-old girlfriend. I had told them that I disapproved, but asked that they at least make quite sure about contraception and protection against disease. They were quite confident they had that under control, and said that, anyway, Jodie could always have an abortion. They were blasé and thought I was old-fashioned and paranoid. But when Michael told us that Jodie was pregnant, there was no discussion about abortion. Jodie was going to leave school and stay at home. Her mother, who opposed abortion on religious grounds, and adoption on any grounds, would help her raise the baby.

I organised a meeting with a counsellor for the children and parents, determined to have all the options discussed openly. The session was civil and inconclusive. The children said that they were a bit nervous but ‘proud’ as well. There was an air of unreality in their attitude, as though this were a movie script with the advertisements edited out, and a happy resolution inevitable after 20 minutes.

Jodie came to me later, however, asking more about abortion. The idea was scary for her because she knew that there would be no support from her mother, but the meeting had given her the courage to talk about it. So I was honest: yes, abortion was scary, but childbirth was not easy either. I had friends who had had abortions, and I reminded her of several very happy children who were adopted. Did Jodie really want to live at home with her parents indefinitely, looking after a baby instead of enjoying being a teenager? There would be regrets in any decisions made.

The next evening Michael and Jodie came home together and said they had decided on an abortion. They asked that my husband and I support them. After several bad arguments, Jodie’s mother refused to acknowledge what was happening, so we had Jodie staying with us quite often over the following weeks. Michael was very supportive through the requisite counselling and the operation, but their relationship lasted only a few weeks longer.

Hardest to understand was that there seemed to be no acknowledgement between the children or among their friends that this was a real baby whom they had so blithely conceived and then dispatched. While I believed that they had made the best decision for themselves, I privately grieved for my first grandchild.

I have spoken to Jodie a few times since then, and she seems, like Michael, to be untouched by the experience. I’m sure they are both more careful about contraception, but an ‘easy solution’ has also kept them remote from speculating on any long-term consequences of their actions.

One of the greatest fears of many parents is that their daughter or son will be a parent at age 16. Obviously, this is far too young to be able to cope emotionally with the stress and strain of having a child. However, while the future of a young parent is often bleak, the truth is that adolescents in general are having sexual contact at a much earlier stage than was the case 20 years ago, and this carries inherent risks of unplanned teenage pregnancy.

If you find out that your child is pregnant, the first thing to do is to try to stay calm. Listen to her, rather than yell at her. You may be angry, anxious and upset, but try to keep calm enough to talk about the issues, and to allow rational decisions to be made. Getting help and support for yourself at this time may make it easier for you to do this, and could be a crucial step towards providing the assistance and support that your child will undoubtedly need.

The three basic choices to be considered will be between abortion, adoption, and keeping the baby. While considering these options, several serious questions need to be asked. They include:

Who needs to be involved in discussing the issues?

What are the wishes of the girl involved? Of the boy? Of each parent?

What are the immediate and long-term implications of each option?Emotionally? Financially? For the education and careers of the teenagers? For accommodation? For the welfare of the unborn child? For other family members?

What help or support does each person involved need, both now and in the future?

Who has the right to make the final decision?

To help the decision-making process, the following guidelines may be useful:

Teenage pregnancy can evoke powerful reactions from all concerned. If both families are going to sit down together to have a useful discussion, it may help to arrange for someone who is not involved, and who will be objective, to facilitate your meeting.

Consultation with a counsellor who has expertise in the issues relating to teenage pregnancy can be useful as a source of information, and as a way of clarifying options, dealing with some of the strong emotions evoked, and helping to resolve any conflict in as positive a way as possible.

Unless there are special circumstances relating to maturity or mental capacity, the right to make the final decision belongs legally and morally with the girl who is pregnant. Any dispute relating to this may need to be resolved in court.

If the girl decides to keep the baby, the boy is legally and morallyobliged to contribute to the support of the child until that child is financially independent.

As parents you need to be very clear about what financial and practical help you are — and are not — prepared to offer to teenagers who choose to bring up a baby.

In discussing the issues relating to a teenage pregnancy, the guidelinessuggested in Chapter 3 for problem-solving and family meetings may be useful. This is a time when skills such as listening to each other andbrainstorming solutions are likely to be invaluable.

Unplanned pregnancy is a huge issue for adolescents, and the decisions made can have major implications for them and their families. It is important, therefore, that the issues are discussed rationally and that informed decisions are made. While you may have strong emotions, practical concerns, and/or moral beliefs relating to the pregnancy, the decisions about what happens in response to the pregnancy will not necessarily be yours to make. Ideally, whatever happens, you will be able to support your children, both in the decision-making process and in living with the decisions made. You may not agree with them, but they will still need your love and your acceptance of their rights.

Teen Tip

‘Make sure they get the help they need, but most importantly don’t be ashamed of them! Give them support; this is when they most need it.’

CHAPTER 9

Technology:
tales of the good,
the bad and
the ugly

In today’s technologically advanced world it is commonplace for teens to send instant messages via emails and texts, and face-to-face communication is often replaced by the popular social networking sites on the internet. Things said via text or email can go far beyond what a teen would say in person, speeding up relationships and taking them beyond what they would be without the help of technology.

The teens of today put way more personal information on their Bebo or Facebook pages than they would ever tell a stranger in the street

Let’s face it, the teens of today put way more personal information on their Bebo or Facebook pages than they would ever tell a stranger in the street! For some teenagers, the internet has almost taken over their social lives. A casual comment on Bebo can have just as much value put on it as a face-to-face conversation, if not more. And this is the problem — as our lives become more and more focused around the internet, all our personal information becomes more and more accessible to everyone. And some of these people are undesirable!

Some facts

You can get anything you want on the internet — both legal and illegal. In many ways it has brought the best and the worst in human nature (and the human psyche) out into the open. What was locked away in people’s heads is now displayed out in the open for the world to see and interact with. As we humans demand more and more stimulation and excitement, we are left with a big question: ‘Where will it all end?’

Lots of people use Bebo, Facebook and other social networking sites to make friends — rather than just using it to communicate with friends in real life — which comes with a whole range of social issues. If used safely, social networking sites are an excellent and fun way to keep in contact with people from all over the world, but the dangers must also be acknowledged and dealt with.

If used safely, social networking sites are an excellent and fun way to keep in contact with people from all over the world, but the dangers must also be acknowledged and dealt with

Social networking sites

Bebo, Facebook and MySpace are examples of social networking sites where people can create an ‘account’ or ‘page’ for themselves and communicate with others on the site by adding friends, or accepting friend requests. Each person’s page includes a profile with information such as their full name, date of birth, hometown, interests, email address, phone number, etc. — you can choose whether to fill in all this information, but most people do. You can add photos and videos, as well as comments and previous conversations with ‘friends’. You can comment on other people’s pages, and request to become someone’s friend. The other person can either decline or accept. If they accept, these two people are now ‘friends’ and can view each other’s pages.

On some social networking sites, such as Bebo, your page is public unless you select the ‘private’ option. This means people do not need to get your permission (become your ‘friend’) before viewing your page — in other words, your page can be viewed by all internet users.

Twitter

Twitter is a free social networking service that allows its users to send and read messages called ‘tweets’. These are text-based messages that can be up to 140 characters in length, that are shown on the author’s profile page and then delivered to subscribers — called followers. Authors can restrict the delivery of their messages to those within their circle of friends, or they can allow open access. Users can send and receive tweets via the Twitter website.

MSN

MSN is an online instant messenger in which you can add friends’ email addresses (through a hotmail account). If you and some of your friends are ‘signed in’ you can select a friend to chat with, either by typing, video calling/webcam, or voice calling. Although MSN advises users not to release any personal information, in order to keep themselves safe, there are still dangers involved when people hide behind fake personas.

The risks

We are all well aware of the need to make our children aware of ‘stranger danger’. We tell our kids to ‘Stop, look and listen’, and warn them not to get into a car with a stranger or to accept lollies from someone they don’t know. Yet many young people give out their addresses, mobile phone numbers and full names to strangers on the internet, often without even realising. This commonly occurs on social networking sites such as Facebook and Bebo where pages can be viewed by anyone unless the privacy settings are deliberately selected. This means that ANYONE can look at photos, get personal information and read conversations.

Most people accept or add friends they don’t actually know in real life. It is really easy for people to hide behind an internet persona, and for older people to form unhealthy relationships with those who are young and vulnerable. People can lie on the internet, creating false identities, and use them to get information about their victim and then harass them. For example, 15-year-old Tina, who loves ‘hanging with her friends and shopping’, may in reality be a creepy old guy who is hiding behind this image. ‘Tina’ may become someone’s ‘friend’ quite quickly, they feel as if they have known her for ages, and so they give her their mobile phone number. Suddenly ‘Tina’ turns out to be not so nice and starts to harass them with threatening texts, which make them uncomfortable and scared. They may feel too embarrassed to tell their parents, and be unsure what to do.

‘Fishing’ is another danger that can occur in social networks, when someone pretends to be your friend in order to get information from you. An example of this might be when a person becomes your friend, chats with you and finds out where you live, and then what your plans are for the holidays. You come back from your holiday and find that your house has been burgled … who knew that you were away?

Identity theft is another threat. This is when someone gets information about another person with the intention of committing a crime, or uses their name, address, phone number and email to apply for services, which the target then ends up being charged for. It might also involve taking over a victim’s existing bank account, fraudulently opening up a new set of accounts using the victim’s name, or stealing their credit card details. Sorting out these problems is often quite difficult, and it can take a considerable amount of time and effort on the part of the victim to convince organisations like banks that they were not responsible for the fraudulent activity.

Many young people say they are afraid to tell their parents if they encounter any dangerous behaviour through the internet or with their phone, because they fear the technology will be taken from them

As parents we can’t prevent our children going on social networking sites — they are a normal and important part of a young person’s life. However, we can help them to avoid the dangers and protect their privacy. The best way to address these problems is to make sure both your young person and you are well educated about the potential dangers of social networking before they start. Additionally, we strongly suggest that you reassure them if they do have any problems with the internet that you will be able to find a solution without having to take away their computer. This is important, as many young people say they are afraid to tell their parents if they encounter any dangerous behaviour, through the internet or with their phone, because they fear the technology will be taken from them. Remember, these are key aspects of their lives and things they rely on to stay socially networked to their friends, so the best way to solve any problems is to keep the paths of communication open.

Some other ways in which you can minimise any negative impacts of the internet are to make sure they know:

to select the ‘private’ setting on any social networking sites;

that all the people in their social networks are able to see everything they have posted, even if they are not their friends, and any photos in their album will be able to be viewed by all these people;

it is possible to add filters to programmes, although internet safety groups such as Netsafe do not normally recommend filtering as an option.

Don’t forget the positives

The internet is a vital part of most young people’s lives today, and it has many good points. It allows them to access information instantaneously in a way that was not possible before, and above all it enables them to maintain connections with their family and friends. This has many positive aspects, including increasing their self-esteem and happiness through having a good network of friends. It also means that they can be in much more regular contact with you as a parent, which in today’s busy world makes it much easier for you to multi-task!

However, we all know that many teenagers spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet gaming and chatting, at the expense of communicating with people one to one and playing sports or participating in a hobby. We, and they, need to remember that like many things in life it’s all a bit of a balancing act, and that taking anything to an extreme is not a good thing. As a rule it’s important they don’t spend so much time on the internet that it affects their social relationships, their school work and their mental and physical health.

Cyber and text-bullying

Cyber and text-bullying are forms of intimidation and are not acceptable. If your child tells you they are being bullied, praise them for talking about it with you, and help them to deal with the problem.

If any of the bullying happens at school, discuss it with your child and get their permission to talk with the school. It might be worth first contacting the school guidance counsellor, as they will be aware if there have been similar problems in the school.

Text-bullying

It is very easy for a bully to get hold of someone’s mobile phone number, as often they are shared without their owner’s awareness or consent, friends might text the number to their friends, etc. There are various forms of text-bullying, such as:

receiving offensive and threatening text messages;

receiving unwanted messages;

being sent large numbers of texts each day by the same person.

Many teens who are text-bullied feel uncomfortable about discussing it with other people, but talking about it with others can help. We strongly suggest you contact your local internet safety group, such as Netsafe, who will provide you with information on how to address this problem. The important thing is that text bullies leave an electronic trail and can be caught.

If your teen is being bullied:

Don’t reply BUT save the message.

If a message is threatening, go to the police as soon as possible.

Encourage the teen to talk to someone they trust and feel safe with.

Get help and advice from your local internet safety group.

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying can include posting derogatory comments on a person’s social networking site, circulating photos that are designed to embarrass them, spreading rumours, or even creating fake identities. It can be very upsetting.

It is important to remember that cyberbullying takes place in a public forum, and that it is possible to STOP the behaviour. In accordance with advice from internet safety groups, we recommend the following to deal with cyberbullying:

Record the address of the website on which the bullying is occurring.

Take some photos of the website or take screen grabs, paste them into a Word document and save this as evidence.

Report the bullying to the website company, and also check out the site’s Terms of Use so when you lay a complaint you can say how the bullying was against the rules.

Get help and advice from your local internet safety group.

Other issues

The emergence and rapid development of technology such as cellphones, iPods and other MP3 players has created a number of issues that affect young people. For example:

The pressure on young people to have the latest technology, whether it be a fliptop cellphone, the latest iPod or a flash laptop, can be huge in certain social circles. And people without the right ‘stuff’ can be alienated and excluded.

As a consequence young people spend money on or, more commonly, pressure their parents into buying, costly equipment, creating a financial strain on the family.

As a result of the now widespread use of technology in all aspects of our lives, they have become consumed by virtual interaction —

text;

MSN;

social networking.

This means, face-to-face interaction and communication are becoming less and less valued by many people.

To text or not to text

It’s important to have a few rules about texting, these could include not texting during meals, while having face-to-face conversations, and, of course, it’s illegal to text while driving. Though it may seem a simple thing, you might also want to remind your teen not to text while walking down stairs or crossing the road — there are many hidden dangers in this sort of activity, such as falling over and getting a head injury!

On the internet … you get as good as you give

If your children are putting your address, phone numbers or email address on their page, they’re asking for trouble! Talk to them about the issues and make sure they know why this is a bad idea.

Explain why they should only add or ‘accept’ people they actually know.

Make sure they are aware of the safety options provided by the sites, and make use of them.

Minimise all the risks that you can, and remind your teen to act sensibly.

Let your teen know that if they have problems you won’t try to ‘solve’ them by taking away their technology.

Go to the Netsafe website (www.netsafe.org. nz) — it has excellent resources for both parents and teens (and schools, businesses and general computer security).

Teen Tip

‘It is your job to guide your child through their journey of self-discovery, providing them with what they need to make sensible, well-informed decisions, and helping them when they take the wrong path.’

CHAPTER 10

Depression
and suicide

One of the most worrying things that parents can face is their child becoming depressed and/or suicidal. Fortunately there are plenty of practical things that parents can do to help a depressed teenager and to try to prevent suicide. In this chapter we provide information about depression and suicide, and practical ideas to use if you are faced with a depressed or suicidal adolescent.

Depression

Many adolescents go through periods of being sullen and feeling unhappy. Such behaviour is not uncommon, and is not necessarily a major problem. It is useful — but sometimes difficult — to accurately determine the difference between common everyday mood changes and the level of depression that is recognised as a clinical diagnosis.

While the majority of adolescents do not become clinically depressed, this level of depression is not uncommon among teenagers. Some New Zealand studies suggest that one in eight 18-year-olds will be depressed in any single year. They may experience depression as a single episode, or as aseries of alternating high and low moods, known as ‘bipolar affective disorder’ or ‘manic depression’. Causes range from social factors and family or peer group problems to biochemical and genetic factors. The risk is significantly higher if a parent has experienced depression in the past, has a diagnosis of depression and/or there is a family history of depression. Of those people who commit suicide, most have a medically diagnosable depressive illness.

Some New Zealand studies suggest that one in eight 18-year-olds will be depressed in any single year

The signs and symptoms of depression

It is common to feel depressed at some stage in our lives. The frequency of such depression varies from person to person. Depressive symptoms are of more concern when they occur for several weeks, or if they represent a dramatic change from a person’s normal behaviour. The most common symptom is a pervasive low mood. Depressed adolescents may feel very sad and cry a lot, may lose interest in everyday things, or may be irritable, anxious, or badly behaved. They may be depressed in some situations while enjoying others. These different ways of showing depression can make it difficult for parents to detect. Other common signs include:

appetite disturbance — overeating or under-eating;

weight change — either loss or gain;

sleep disturbance — it is common for depressed people to have trouble sleeping; this may include early morning waking, difficulty getting to sleep, and/or being unable to get back to sleep if they wake during the night. Though it is less common, some adolescents may stay in bed and sleep for long periods;

self-harming behaviour, thoughts of suicide, tidying up affairs, giving away treasured or valued belongings;

feelings of hopelessness or helplessness;

increase in risky behaviour such as driving dangerously or erratically;

feelings of guilt;

fearfulness;

a loss of energy or a slowing of physical movements and ability to think. These symptoms are commonly demonstrated by poor concentration at school and lack of interest or withdrawal from family and friends;

agitation and restlessness;

loss of enjoyment in things that were previously enjoyable;

preoccupation with death and talking about suicide; inability to see a future or make plans;

pessimistic thoughts about themselves and the world generally;

passivity and indecisiveness — giving up easily;

anxiety — it is not uncommon for a depressed person to develop new fears or symptoms like obsessive–compulsive behaviour; an adolescent might worry that they look geeky and/or fat, whether they fit in with their peers, whether they will be able to pass an exam, or if they will make the sports team they want to get in;

drug and alcohol abuse — some adolescents use drugs or alcohol to provide temporary relief from depression;

psychosis (for example, schizophrenia) — on rare occasions, some adolescents may experience a major mental illness and hear voices and/or have experiences of recurring beliefs that they are bad and worthless.

Parents’ fears

Understandably, many parents fear that their child’s depressed mood will not improve and, in some cases, that they will commit suicide. Parents may blame themselves and spend endless hours trying to identify where they went wrong. While adolescent depression is sometimes linked to a parent’s behaviour, often this is not the case. For example, it may be caused by losing a job, a relationship break-up, low self-esteem, bullying, problems with peers, or parents separating. Instead of getting dragged into self-blame, it is important and often more productive to identify practical ways in which you can help your child with their depression. The ideal, of course, is to prevent it happening wherever possible.

Preventing depression

There are many steps that you can take as a parent to help prevent depression in your children. Below is a list of some things that you can do. They do not provide immunity from depression, because there are some things that are outside your control. But they do provide a good starting point:

Accept and love your children for who and what they are.

Don’t try to live your unrealised childhood dreams through your children.

Encourage them to develop their skills and talents so that they feel competent and confident.

Be there to listen to and support your children when they need help. Provide non-judgemental support.

Spend time together as a family, and arrange for each parent to spendseparate time with each child.

Support them in setting realistic school and life goals.

Encourage them to have a balanced lifestyle, which includes time for fun and for things they enjoy.

Model positive attitudes and behaviours.

What can parents do when an adolescent seems to be depressed?

Again, there are a number of things parents can do to help their adolescent if they seem depressed:

Encourage them to seek help and/or equip them with advice and self-help strategies; www.thelowdown.co. nz is an excellent website where young people can access information, answer questions regarding depression, and locate numbers for where they can get help. It is backed up by online and text-based personalised and skilled support services that have been developed to help young New Zealanders understand and recover from depression. We strongly encourage parents and young people to access this website.

Also useful is the depression helpline:0800 111 757.

Kidsline have a buddy system called ‘what’s up’ — this is a free counselling service for 5-to 18-year-olds, available seven days a week from noon to midnight:0800 Kidsline (0800 543 754).

Take your children seriously. Accept their thoughts and feelings.

Listen to them.

Be available when they want you to talk over their problems.

Discreetly watch for changes in their behaviour, especially deterioration.

Talk to your doctor. If you are particularly concerned, ask for an urgent referral to a mental health team that specialises in working with adolescents.

Contact a mental health crisis team if you become especially concerned, and request that they urgently assess your child. Do not be afraid to call 111 if you are concerned about the immediate risk or danger to a young person.

Talk about your concerns with your child; don’t ignore your ‘gut feelings’, be honest, and don’t undermine them and do things behind their back — this is likely to increase their resistance and feelings of powerlessness.

Suicide

Julie’s story

Nobody ever believed that Jamie would kill himself, but he did.

Afterwards, I remember going up to my son Dan’s room and wondering for the first time in my life ‘Will he be alive?’ I knew that after one suicide in a group, there is a greater chance of another one occurring. What I did after that, as a mother, may sound really simplistic. I mean, I started doing a lot of nurturing things. And, oh yeah, I did sit down and provide emotional support for Dan. I had put boundaries around him but, at the same time, I was fully aware that he had to be with his peer group.

I also talked to the guidance counsellor and tried to make contact with just about anyone who knew anything about young people. Then I gathered all the parents of Jamie’s other friends together. I was trying to find out from them just what my son was doing when he was with his peers. I couldn’t give a toss if it was drugs, crime, or whatever. I just didn’t want them to keep secrets from me. It’s their inner world I’d never know — a walled-in inner world that could see a mother at her own son’s funeral. We could reassure, we could setthe boundaries — tell them we cared, but we could never break into their inner world of hurt and fear and ridicule. We could provide, but we could never be sure that what we provided was what they needed or even wanted! We told them that we could handle hearing about anything that they had done and that the only thing we couldn’t handle was hearing that they had killed themselves.

Then I asked Dan about how he wanted to honour his friend — ameaningful, even grand gesture. He went to a nursery and chose a simple single plant and card that he wanted to present to Jamie’s family. This was his way of acknowledging the importance of their relationship and was his special link — he recognised the family. He recognised what they were going through and he recognised the love and concern his own family felt for him. So in a nutshell, my advice to parents is to be up front, state how worried you are, emphasise how important they are to you, and focus on the positive things in life.

Julie’s story is one that all parents hope they never have to go through. Yet the tragic and frightening thing is that suicide is one of the issues that some parents do have to face. How common is it? And what can we do, if anything, to prevent it? These are a few of the questions we will look at in this section.

How common is suicide?

The media have made us well aware of the rate of suicide among teenagers. While this is a serious concern, it is important to emphasise that suicide in young people is still extremely rare. Even in New Zealand, where teenage suicide rates are higher relatively than in most other ‘developed’ countries, research indicates that approximately 75% of adolescents have never had suicidal thoughts or behaviour. A further 18% reported suicidal thoughts without actual attempts, while 5–7% had made attempts that largely did not result in significant personal injury.

Suicide is, however, still the second most common cause of death in young New Zealand males. (Motor vehicle accidents are the most common.) More than 10% of all deaths in New Zealand young people are attributed to suicide. The rate of suicide in the Western world varies, although in recent years, suicide rates in young people have increased dramatically in some countries. While the rate of suicide in young men is significantly higher than in young women (approximately four times as high), young women attempt suicide more frequently. One possible explanation of why males have higher rates of suicide is that they are more likely to use methods that are considered lethal (for example,shooting or hanging), while for females the common method is drug overdose. Both males and females should be taken equally seriously, however, if they are thought to be suicidal.

It is important to note that in young people, the suicide rate is at its highest in the twenties and that suicide under the age of 15 is relatively uncommon. It is also important to note that a number of those who attempt suicide will do so again, particularly in the first three months following their initial attempt.

Four major risk factors for suicide

Though suicidal behaviour may occur in young people who do not exhibit a number of high risk factors, increasingly it is recognised that adolescents with serious suicidal behaviour — such as making past or recent attempts at suicide, engaging in self-harming behaviour (for example, cutting) — are more likely to have psychological disorders and to experience family and social or emotional difficulties.

Recent findings from the Christchurch Suicide Project in New Zealand, and from research in other countries, have identified four major groups of risk factors. These are:

1. Mental health problems
Most teenagers who have serious suicidal behaviours have a mentaldisorder. Most common are the mood disorders: major depression and bipolar affective disorder, formerly known as ‘manic depression’. Other mental health problems that can contribute to suicidal behaviour include drug and alcohol abuse and dependence, and the presence of antisocial personality disorders involving criminal behaviour and/or conduct disorder. The latter is a group of behavioural and emotional problems that occurs in some young people. Frequently considered delinquent or antisocial, they often behave in ways that violate societal rules and norms and may engagein violence towards property, individuals and animals. There are many reasons why a young person might develop conduct problems, including child abuse, traumatic life experiences, family factors, brain damage and genetic vulnerabilities. Adolescents who have two different disorders (for example, conduct disorder and substance abuse) are at greater risk of committing suicide.

2. Family or environment disadvantage
Adolescents who come from socially disadvantaged home environments — including those with low family income, little educational achievement — and low socioeconomic status, are at greater risk of committing suicide.

3. Family dysfunction and abuse
Suicidal behaviour in adolescents is more likely to occur in families where:

conflict may exist between the parents;

parents may be either separated or divorced;

parents have a history of mental health problems (for example, depression, or alcohol and substance abuse);

parental neglect and maltreatment (physical, sexual, and emotional abuse) occurs;

there are poor parent–child relationships and communication problems.

Another less commonly known factor is that teenagers who have spent time in
institutional welfare care are at greater risk.

4. Stressful current life events
Often just before a suicide attempt, it is common for the teenager to have experienced a stressful life event. This may be a death or separation, for example, but it can also include the suicide of a friend or family member.

Warning signs of suicidal intent

It is important to look out for warning signs. You should be wary when adolescents:

Talk, write, or draw about suicide.

Give away important personal possessions.

Show a sudden and unexpected improvement from depression.

Practise minor self-harm or mutilation.

Apologise for things that they have done in the past.

Take a very long time to get over relationship break-ups.

What can parents do?

Talk about it

Ask your teenager if they feel suicidal. Asking people directly if they have ideas of committing suicide does not increase the risk. It does, however, help to bring it out in the open where there is a better chance of dealing with it. While some young people may deny or minimise the extent of their suicidal intent when asked, it is still worthwhile to talk about suicide.

Here are some questions that you might ask:

Why do you think you feel like this?

How long have you been feeling like this?

Have you ever thought of hurting yourself?

Have you ever thought about suicide before?

Do you have a plan of how you might kill yourself?

At what times are you most likely to think of suicide?

Do you think you have a future?

What would that future be like?

What might get in the way of you reaching that future?

What would make it easier for you to obtain the goals to which you aspire in the future?

Which things in your life make you feel happier and help you believe that you have a future?

Take their threats seriously

Regardless of what you think they might do, take their threats seriously and listen to them. Something is wrong or they would not be talking this way.

Assess their safety

Assess your child’s degree of safety by identifying warning signs as outlined above. If you consider them to be at high risk of committing suicide in the future, it is important that they are referred immediately to a specialist psychiatric service.

Arrange for specialist help from a doctor, psychiatrist, or counsellor

Even if you believe that your child is not at high risk, it is still important to ensure that both your child and your family as a whole receiveprofessional assistance. If you become especially concerned, contact a mental health crisis team and ask them to urgently assess your child.

Get support for yourself from family and friends

Parents often need just as much help as adolescents. Talk to friends and family members who you feel will listen and understand the situation you are in. If this is not adequate, then arrange to see a counsellor yourself so that you can get the support you need. This is not a problem to keep to yourself.

Do not put too much pressure on your teenager

Asking people directly if they have ideas of committing suicide does not increase the risk

When you feel anxious about your adolescent children, you may feel like continually asking them how they feel, or if they are all right. However, this may irritate them and make them less open to talking with you. Gentle, tactful, and supportive approaches are likely to be the most effective way of communicating with your children. For example, you could ask: ‘Would you like to talk about things?’ or observe that ‘Something seems to be worrying you’, ‘You’ve looked rather down lately’, or ‘If you want to talk about the things that are on your mind, then I’m available’.

If a friend commits suicide

If one of your teenager’s friends commits suicide, there are a number of things you can do to help them:

Support your child, listen to them.

Keep the lines of communication open.

If it was a school child who committed suicide, contact the school and talk with the guidance counsellor.

Offer practical support, and if necessary suggest that it might be useful to seek professional help.

Know the suicide warning signs.

Do not be afraid to seek professional help yourself.

Talk with your friends if you are concerned.

Talk with your child’s friends and ask them if they have noticed any changes in his or her behaviour, increased alcohol or drug use, or depressive symptoms.

Tragically, for some young people and their families, even the most loving, caring parents cannot always prevent the suicide of one of their children. Some teenage suicides happen impulsively with little or no obvious sign of intent. Some happen in spite of everything that has been done by desperately concerned family members. Some will happen as apparent accidents, the result of extreme risk-taking with little regard for safety or consequences.

Whatever the circumstances, teenage suicide is a result of choices made by the individual adolescents, over which others may have had little or no control. We can only grieve their loss and offer support to their families in whatever way is appropriate. If there has been a suicide in your family, we hope that you have had ongoing support from people who understand, and that you have felt able to seek professional help as needed.

Remember that your teen may not feel comfortable talking to you about their depression, but you can still be there for them. Take them out for lunch, or participate in something you know they will enjoy; it’s so important they know you are there. If they are reluctant at first, don’t give up. Try different approaches, and talk with their friends about the best ways to communicate with them. Never give up.

Teen Tip

‘Remember to involve yourself — but don’t stick your beak into our lives —it’s all about balance, you know.’

CHAPTER 11

Eating issues

When we consider the developmental tasks of adolescence and the social pressures faced by young people, it is not difficult to understand why this is the age group in which eating disorders are most likely to develop, and why young women are particularly vulnerable. Consider, for example, the following:

Messages are constantly being sent by movies, the internet, televisionprogrammes, magazines and advertisements of all kinds that slimness brings success, popularity, love, and happiness. Women in particular are taught that their worth and success depend on their appearance.

What is popularly portrayed as the ‘ideal’ bodyweight for women is actually well below average and beyond the grasp of a normal healthy person. This means that eating disorders can be seen as a ‘normal’ response to demands to conform to an abnormal body shape.

Rapid growth and development during adolescence includes deposits of body fat, which can lead to anxiety about what is a normal process.

An inevitable preoccupation with appearance, size, and shape results from these normal changes, combined with a common adolescent tendency to perceive certain body parts as being larger than they are in fact.

The fact of the matter is that the body images promoted by many magazines and ‘celebrities’ are totally unrealistic for young people, yet they are made to seem highly desirable.

In this chapter we look at the two most common eating disorders that can affect adolescents, anorexia nervosa (often simply referred to as anorexia) and bulimia, followed by some facts about obesity.

Anorexia and bulimia

Anorexia and bulimia both commonly develop during adolescence, though the age of onset for anorexia is generally younger than for bulimia; prepubertal-onset anorexia is not uncommon. Both conditions feature an intense preoccupation with body shape and weight. Both also involve a much greater fear of being fat than is normal, even for adolescents. Both conditions are much more frequent in females, but parents of adolescent boys need to be aware that males are believed to represent between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 of all those with eating disorders, and this is thought to be on the increase.

It is estimated that up to 5% of all women who consult a GP have an eating disorder.

What are anorexia and bulimia?

A person with anorexia will weigh at least 15% less than a healthy person of the same sex, age, and height. This low bodyweight is caused by dieting that results in loss of weight and/or a failure to gain weight during a period of growth. In girls it eventually leads to a break in the menstrual cycle.

People with bulimia eat enormous quantities of food over a short period of time, often in secret. This ‘binge’ eating is then followed by efforts to avoid the weight gain that would normally result. These effortscommonly include vomiting, the use of laxatives or diuretics, strict dieting, and/or strenuous exercise. Unlike people with anorexia, those with bulimia may keep their weight within normal limits, although it is likely to fluctuate over time.

A person may have some of the symptoms of either disorder, without being at the extreme end of the scale.

How common are these disorders?

It is difficult to know how often these conditions occur, because they arefrequently surrounded by a lot of secrecy. Young people who are starvingthemselves, for example, may wear loose clothing, find excuses to avoid eating with their family or friends, or claim to have eaten elsewhere when they arrive home. A person with bulimia may eat normal meals but take laxatives or vomit secretly in the toilet immediately afterwards. They might eat normally in public but have periods of starving in private. Many feel anxious, guilty, and ashamed about their behaviour, and so find it difficult to seek help or even to admit that they have a problem.

Consequently, accurate statistics are not available on how many youngpeople suffer from anorexia and bulimia. The severity of these problems also varies from person to person, and from time to time, so statistics also vary according to how strictly the conditions are defined. It can be said with some confidence, however, that both anorexia and bulimia occur across all socioeconomic groups in developed countries, and across a variety of races. Bulimia is the more common (it’s about 10 times as common as anorexia), and is frequently estimated to affect between 1% and 3% of women at some stage in their lives. One Christchurchstudy reported that 0.3% of women suffer from anorexia in the generalpopulation. The peak age for anorexia is thought to be about 16 years old.

A much larger group experiences less severe forms of these disorders.Although this group does not feature in these statistics, people within it also require professional intervention.

The effects of anorexia and bulimia

In their most extreme forms, both anorexia and bulimia are life-threatening. Some behaviours and consequences, such as vomiting and bingeing, occur with both disorders, but people with anorexia tend to experience the most medical complications. Anorexia causes a number of medical, psychological and social problems including dehydration, constipation, dry skin, brittle hair, low blood pressure, hair loss, growth retardation, cardiac arrest, osteoporosis, poor concentration, loss of energy, distorted thinking, social isolation, decreased interest in relationships, and depression. Approximately 10% of people with anorexia die per decade, usually as a result of medical complications or suicide.

While most people with bulimia are usually within the normal weight range, they experience the effects of any drugs that they have used regularly to induce vomiting, urination, or diarrhoea. Tooth decay caused by frequent vomiting of gastric acid is another common symptom of bulimia.

For adolescents with either anorexia or bulimia, another concern is that their preoccupation with food and weight diverts energy that could more usefully be focused on learning and development. These young people find that they have some catching up to do when they begin to take control of their eating disorder. They often have to face developmental challenges that have already been faced by their peers at an earlier age.

Fortunately, most of the effects of anorexia and bulimia are reversible withtreatment. Exceptions to this include loss of bone density and decay of tooth enamel.

Most of the effects of anorexia and bulimia are reversible with treatment

The causes of anorexia and bulimia

There are many theories about the causes of eating disorders, but it is usually thought that a combination of biological, psychological and social factors contribute to the problems. We have already highlighted the influence of social and psychological factors at the beginning of this chapter. It is far from clear, however, why some people develop an eating disorder while others in very similar circumstances do not, though it is also now recognised that anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating are significantly heritable. Heritability estimates generally range from 50–83%.

A number of researchers have tried to define the kinds of family background associated with the various eating disorders, without reaching any convincing or consistent conclusions. It is clear, however, that eating disorders occur across a range of different family backgrounds, and that no particular family patterns have been identified as causing anorexia or bulimia.

There is also disagreement about the personality traits that might make people more vulnerable to anorexia and bulimia. When a pattern has been identified, it is not always clear whether it could be a cause or a result of the disorder. Personality characteristics commonly associated with anorexia or bulimia include a tendency to set very high — if not perfect — standards for oneself, to be overly dependent on the approval of others, and to be lacking in self-esteem and self-confidence. It is also increasingly being recognised that thinking styles may play a role — for example, excessive attention to detail can lead people to have difficulty in getting the gist of things, or seeing the bigger picture. Many peoplewith an eating disorder have previously seemed to outsiders to be sensible and capable young people, while in reality feeling incompetent and unable to cope inside.

For some people, anorexia or bulimia may develop as a way of coping with the challenges of adolescence. For example, some people who have anorexia or bulimia, and counsellors working with them, have offered the following explanations for their behaviour:

An emaciated appearance is sometimes seen as a way of avoiding difficult sexual issues, by trying to appear unattractive and undesirable.

It is a way of dealing with past trauma from childhood.

The social isolation imposed by abnormal eating habits enables them to avoid the challenges of developing peer relationships.

The ability to control eating and weight provides a sense of achievement and identity that might otherwise be lacking.

The concern of parents provides a lot of attention and a sense of power, while at the same time providing an excuse for continuing dependence.

Whatever the cause of their symptoms, young people need help and support to deal with them in order to overcome an eating disorder. They may also need extra help to deal with the issues associated with normal adolescent development.

These include coping with sexual relationships, getting on with their peers, developing independence, and feeling good about themselves generally. Help in developing self-esteem will be particularly important.

While there are some common trends, it is often impossible to identify the exact causes of an eating disorder for any particular individual. What is clear is that blame and guilt about the past are totally unhelpful for both parent and child. Energy is much more usefully spent focusing on present actions and future solutions aimed at getting the young person back to healthy eating and feeling better about themselves.

There are many theories about the causes of eating disorders, but it is usually thought that a combination of biological, psychological and social factors contribute to the problems

Prevention

Dieting during adolescence is common and unlikely to be harmful as long as it is not extreme or prolonged. However, it is not likely to be particularly successful. It is estimated that about 95% of all dieters regain the weight lost, often increasing their weight over time as a direct result of body changes associated with dieting (for example, a lower rate of metabolism). Also, the more diets people go on, the more likely it is that they will actually gain weight.

There are a number of things that a well-informed parent can do to minimise the chances of anyone in the family developing an eating disorder:

DO NOT MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT THEIR BODY SIZE — this includes siblings as well as parents. Young people are particularly sensitive about their body size, and any comments that are made are much more likely to make matters WORSE rather than better!

Model good eating habits, such as eating healthy food with plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, sitting down as a family for regular meals, eating a range of foods and not being preoccupied with calories.

Be acutely aware of the negative stereotypes portrayed by reality TV programmes that focus on young models — these portray an unrealistic and idealistic view of women that is impossible to achieve. It focuses on young people being thin and looking glamorous in order to achieve their goals. In real life this doesn’t happen. Encourage critical appraisal of these stereotypes.

Encourage your children to express their feelings and concerns directly, so they are less likely to resort to indirect methods. Listen to what they have to say.

Build up their self-esteem. Help them to feel good about who they are and what they do, rather than focusing on how they look. Tell them what you like about them.

Teach them about the hazards of dieting and the long-term failure of most weight-loss programmes.

Encourage acceptance of the normal range of body shapes and sizes.

Discuss the pressures to achieve unrealistic and unhealthy body shapes.

Strongly advise against ‘crash’ or ‘fad’ diets. If adolescents must diet, try to make sure they lose no more than 500–1000 grams each week. Encourage them to settle for a reasonable goal, and to stop dieting when this goal is reached.

Avoid pressuring them with unrealistic expectations. Trying to live up to impossible goals is a common problem for people with eating disorders.

Spend time with your children doing things that they enjoy.

Recognising the early signs

The sooner an eating disorder is identified and treated, the easier it is to overcome. Early intervention also makes it more likely that a total recovery will be achieved. It is, therefore, very helpful for parents to know what to look for. This includes signs such as:

‘Fad’ dieting for more than a few weeks at a time.

Skipping meals and denying being on a diet, using excuses that they are not hungry and have already eaten. 

Excessive exercising.

Preoccupation with counting calories and their Body Mass Index (BMI), a calculation based on a person’s height and weight, with a supposedly ‘ideal’ range.

Avoiding outings with family and friends, especially to restaurants — not eating with others.

Weight loss without any obvious dieting.

Behaviour changes (for example, from honest to secretive, or from gregarious to socially isolated).

Weighing themselves frequently.

Signs of self-induced vomiting; for example, the smell of vomit in the bathroom.

Use of laxatives, diuretics or appetite suppressants.

Going to the toilet regularly during and after meals.

Mood swings, tears and tantrums.

Signs of anxiety, irritability or depression.

A change in eating behaviours; for example, becoming more ritualised, eating slowly, cutting up food into small pieces, or using small utensils.

Some of the signs of an eating disorder are also signs of other adolescentconflicts and of other physical or emotional problems. If you have concerns about any of these symptoms, it is important to seek expert advice to ensure that your child is getting the help they need.

Effects on the family

Nobody wants a child to develop an eating disorder. When it happens, parents often feel shocked and bewildered initially, then guilty. They commonly ask themselves questions like ‘Do I really know my own child?’ ‘Where did I go wrong?’ and ‘Why didn’t I notice earlier?’ They describe feelings of anger, helplessness, shame, guilt and resentment when confronted by a child who appears to be out of control and on a path to self-destruction. Many have fears for their child’s health and well-being, and even for her or his survival. Consequently they feel obliged to give in to any demands the child makes, fearing that resistance might lead to more serious problems. To make matters worse, in searching for solutions, parents are likely to be confused by an array of conflicting advice.

Siblings are also affected, especially when family activities are curtailed or the child with the eating disorder seems to get lots of power and attention. They too can feel anxious, angry and resentful about what is happening in their family.

How parents can help

If you are a parent whose child is affected by anorexia or bulimia, it would be surprising if you did not experience some of the feelings described above. Parents often feel powerless when their children have an eating disorder. They may feel they don’t know how to broach the subject, deal with denial or conflict, set boundaries and provide support. But there are many things that you can do to help them and the other members of your family.

It is really important for mothers in particular to model good eating habits — remember our kids learn primarily from us. For fathers, it’s important you don’t comment about the body size of your child. Any little comment may be misconstrued, and is not helpful! The less said the better. There are a number of other things you can do, or avoid doing, to help them:

Do:

Seek professional help for your child — contact your GP, check on hospital clinics and counsellors in your area who specialise in working with eating disorders. Anorexia and bulimia are serious problems that need expert attention.

Seek help for yourself: you need all the information and support you can get. Check websites such as EDANZ, the Eating Disorders Association of NZ (www.ed.org. nz) and enquire about support groups in your area, as well as talking with understanding friends. (See ‘References and further information’, page 269, for other sources of information.)

Bring the problem out into the open — discuss it with the child concerned and with other family members. Eating disorders thrive in secrecy.

Be honest and open about your feelings, using ‘I’ statements. For example, ‘I really love you and I feel distressed seeing you like this.’ ‘I really wish you could listen to me and go and get professional help. I will come along with you if you want me to.’ ‘I can support you.’

Avoid criticism and blame — people with anorexia or bulimia have lost control of their eating habits and need your understanding and support.

Distinguish between the person and the behaviour — make it clear that you love and care for the person, but are determined to take a strong stand in helping them defeat the behaviour.

Be firm but patient — be prepared for the fact that change is often slow.

Maintain a normal family life that is separate from the eating disorder — help siblings to understand what is happening and ensure that they continue to get your love and attention.

Avoid battles for control over food.

Encourage your children to take responsibility for their own eating behaviours and the consequences of these. We acknowledge that this may not be possible initially if someone is really unwell, in which case the parents of children with anorexia need to take control and make it clear that eating is ‘non-negotiable’.

Be prepared to listen and to accept their thoughts and feelings — be available to talk over their problems; if it’s not a good time to talk, arrange another time when they can have your undivided attention.

Encourage activities that are not food-related and find ways to raise your teenager’s self-esteem.

Present a united front as parents; if necessary, address any couple issue that may get in the way of doing this.

Educate yourself about eating disorders and their treatment — these days there are a lot of good books available, written by parents, counsellors, and people who have experienced eating disorders themselves. Check your local library and bookshops.

Encourage your children to eat smaller, more frequent meals at regular times during the day.

Negotiate a plan that includes eating with the family.

Try to negotiate solutions; for example, have a conversation about what would help the person avoid bingeing.

Don’t:

It is really important for mothers in particular to model good eating habits

Give in to unreasonable demands — this can be seen as approval of their behaviour, or as your weakness and inability to provide the wisdom and security they need.

Try pleading, persuasion or bribery to get anyone to eat — such methods place unhelpful attention on the problem and are unlikely to succeed. Change will only occur when the person is ready.

Try to force anyone, verbally or physically, to eat.

Allow the eating disorder to dominate family and social activities — continue to go to restaurants and other social events as you would normally.

Try to add extra kilojoules to a meal — this can compromise the trust your child needs to develop.

Discuss eating behaviour during a meal — this can raise anxiety levels.

Cook too much food at a time if you suspect that your child has bulimia — don’t store large amounts of sweets or snack foods. Do insist that they clean up any mess they make.

Treatment

Treatment for anorexia and bulimia needs to be tailored to the needs of the individual. It is likely to involve a combination of approaches, including individual, group and family therapy. For those with anorexia, a programme for weight gain is an important starting point, because the distorted thinking that goes with starvation is likely to interfere with other forms of therapy.

Research shows that the involvement of the family in a treatment programme helps to make it more effective. It provides support and information for the family, and some guidance about ways of supporting the person with the eating disorder in their efforts to change. The story of Sally provides a useful example of some of the issues faced by families and the benefits of family counselling for all concerned.

Sally’s story

Sally and her older sister Maria were both high achievers. Maria had been dux of the school and captain of the local netball team, and Sally looked like following in her sister’s footsteps.

Sally was studying for her final school exams when her parents first noticed that she had lost weight. Later, they wondered why it had taken them so long to recognise what was happening. In three months, Sally had changed from a cheerful and popular girl to one who was moody, morose, withdrawn and secretive. Her mother, Alison, was shocked to discover how thin Sally had become when she took her shopping for a dress for the school ball. She discovered that Sally had lost 10 kg, and recalled that she had been skipping meals and claiming to have eaten elsewhere. More discoveries followed, like the packet of slimming tablets found in Sally’s bedroom, and the report from Maria that Sally had been vomiting after dinner.

Alison took Sally to the family doctor, who was relatively reassuring. ‘It’s probably just a stage she’s going through,’ he said. ‘Lots of teenage girls worry about their weight. She’ll get over it.’

Alison and Rick found it hard to believe that their daughter had a problem, especially as they had always thought of Sally as a ‘model child’. They were concerned that insisting on further help would create conflict, and they did not want to give Sally the message that there was anything psychologically wrong with her. They particularly did not want to upset her when she needed to be studying. They watched anxiously as things got worse during Sally’s school exams, and when they were over they arranged a referral to a doctor whospecialised in eating disorders. This time they were shocked to hear that Sally had a serious problem that was unlikely to go away by itself. She was going to need counselling and support over a long period to help her to deal with this.

Wisely, Alison and Rick also sought expert help for themselves, both for support and for advice about how best to respond to Sally’s behaviour. They worked on their own issues, with the understanding that they were not responsible for Sally’s problem, but could possibly make some changes that would be good for all of them. Rick recognised the pressures that his high expectations might be putting on his daughters. He learnt to help them focus more on enjoying the things that they did without necessarily having to be thebest. He also gave some serious thought to the messages he had given his daughters about the things that attract men to women. He decided to emphasise the importance of personality rather than body shape or size, and to make sure that his daughters were aware of all the things that made them special to him. Alison looked at her own life-long battles to keep her weight down, and the messages she had inadvertently sent Sally with her frequent dieting. Food and body size had been portrayed as enemies to be beaten. At the same time, a desire to avoid her own parents’ insistence that she ‘clean up her plate’ had led her to the other extreme of failing to ensure her children ate a balanced diet.

Sally’s problems got worse before they got better, and may never be fully resolved. With any luck, however, the realisation that professional assistance was required from counsellors and doctors who specialised in eating disorders has helped this family to cope with a very serious problem.

Learning to control an eating disorder, and to cope with the challenges that it has allowed them to avoid, can be difficult and scary for adolescents. Attempts to force them to do this before they are ready are likely to have only minimal success at best, and should be made only in life-threatening situations. There are ways, however, of encouraging them to seek treatment. Parents can seek advice from GPs, specialist clinics, counsellors, and/or support groups in their area regarding their own particular situation.

The majority of people do recover from anorexia and bulimia, although some continue to have minor problems. It is often a slow process, however, and may take several years. The prospects of recovery are improved with early intervention and strong family support. It may be appropriate to seek specialist medical services through your local district health board to assist in the treatment and management of the disorder.

Obesity

Obesity is generally defined as having an excess of body fat. Just exactly how much is too much is, of course, open to debate. Also, being overweight certainly doesn’t mean that you have an eating disorder. Many people eat erratically and gain excess weight at times, while losing it at others. These people would not normally be considered to have an eating disorder. Those who are significantly obese, who are preoccupied with food, and whose eating behaviour is out of control could be considered to have an eating disorder.

Remember that healthy habits are established in childhood. Healthy children are more likely to grow into healthy adults. Parents make lifestyle choices for their children and habits are formed within the family. Social, economic and environmental forces all influence our food choices.

Healthy habits are established in childhood

The causes of obesity

There are a lot of theories about the causes of obesity, but very little in the way of undisputed facts. The one certain fact is that obesity is caused by consuming more energy — in the form of food — than is used. Put simply, obesity is caused by overeating and/or under-activity. The reasons why people overeat are not so simple, and probably involve a combination of social, emotional, genetic and behavioural factors.

The pressure of advertising and marketing affects us all, and adolescents are particularly susceptible. For example, for only a couple of dollars more we can upgrade to a bigger size and buy a bigger portion of takeaways, or get a combo. These combos not only add to our spending, but add more to the amount we eat — often in the form of unhealthy fast foods. (If you want to see an extreme example of this, watch the DVD Super Size Me, the story of someone who ate McDonald’s fare three times a day for 30 days. The result was a weight gain of 11 kg, and other effects that included mood swings, sexual dysfunction and liverdamage.)

There is no clear profile of the personality types that are prone to obesity. While some psychological symptoms are commonly associated with obesity, it seems likely that these are often a result of the excess weight rather than the cause. These include depression, poor self-esteem and poor body image.

Some people appear to have a genetic tendency to be overweight, but this does not mean that obesity is inevitable. Their eating habits will be the main factor determining this. Bullying and negative comments from peers can also have a significant influence on a young person’s eating habits and the way they feel about their body image.

In some cultures and families, eating large meals is seen as a sign of a healthy appetite, and being big is considered normal and even desirable. For many adolescents in these families, overeating is part of normal life. The influence of their family is more powerful than the influence of the wider society, which values thinness. In such cases, social pressures can contribute to the development of obesity, just as different social pressures contribute to other eating disorders.

Some adolescents have described their obesity as a way of avoidingcompetition with peers, and of avoiding the challenges of sexual relationships by trying to make themselves unattractive. It would be a mistake, however, to assume that this was always the case, or that it was a cause rather than a consequence of the problem. Many people, for example, say that they are more likely to eat when they feel lonely or unhappy.

Severe obesity can be a symptom of other illnesses, such as a brain tumour or glandular disorder. It is important to eliminate these possibilities before an eating disorder is diagnosed.

How common is obesity?

Approximately 30% of New Zealand children aged between 5 and 14 are overweight or obese. For Pacific children the rate stands at 60%; for Maori it is 40%, and for other New Zealand children it is about 25%. The 2006/07 New Zealand Health Survey found that:

One in 12 children (aged 2 to 14 years) were obese (8.3%).

One in five children were overweight (20.9%).

There has been no change in the average (mean) BMI for children aged 5–14 years since 2002.

There has been a decrease in average BMI for Maori children.

Adjusted for age, Pacific boys and girls were at least 2.5 times more likely to be obese than boys and girls in the total population.

Maori boys and girls were 1.5 times more likely to be obese than boys and girls in the total population.

The risks of obesity

It is possible to be overweight, active and healthy. Binge eating and repeated efforts to diet can, however, be dangerous, and severe obesity is a major health hazard. Mortality rates for the severely obese are approximately three times higher than for those of average weight. The chances of becoming ill are also much higher, with increased risk of problems such as type-2 diabetes; heart-related problems such as hypertension, heart disease and stroke; bone and hip conditions such as osteoarthritis; respiratory problems such as asthma and sleep apnoea; and psychological effects, such as depression and low self-esteem.

Treatment

While losing weight is not necessarily difficult, it takes persistence over time to maintain the weight loss at a healthy level. Treatment is only likely to be successful when the person is ready and willing. It usually requires commitment to lifestyle changes as well as changes to eating patterns. It may also involve efforts to deal with any problems that contribute to the overeating, such as loneliness, boredom, or stress.

How parents can help

When adolescents show signs of becoming obese, there are a number of things parents can do to help. These will be good for the whole family:

Model healthy eating habits. Serve regular meals and avoid unnecessary snacks.

Stock up on lots of fruit and vegetables, and avoid sweets, biscuits, and snack foods.

Ensure that the whole family has a well-balanced and varied diet. Avoid fatty foods and lots of takeaways.

Demonstrate through your words and deeds that you love your children for who they are. Try to build up their self-esteem by focusing on the things they are good at.

Avoid criticism of their appearance or weight.

Encourage involvement in sports and active leisure interests. Join them in going to the gym, for a swim, or for regular walks.

Discourage crash diets and other magical solutions that are unlikely to be successful in the long term.

Provide objective information about the hazards of obesity and chronic dieting, but in a way that does not imply criticism or blame.

Avoid battles over food. These are battles that no one can win, and they can just create more opposition. Adolescents have to learn to take responsibility for their own eating habits.

Be available to discuss their problems. Try to understand their thoughts and feelings.

Support them when they want to make changes. Ensure that they get good advice about nutrition and help with any emotional problems that contribute to overeating. Check out support groups in your area such as Weight Watchers or Overeaters Anonymous.

Teen Tip

‘As teenage girls we are under a lot of pressure to conform to stereotypes of‘beautiful’ or ‘pretty’ images presented in the media. This adds to stress levels and can cause us to feel that we are not good enough, resulting in low self-esteem, anger and general unhappiness.’

CHAPTER 12

Dealing with
your own issues

It would be nice to think that we are all able to look at each new situation in life with total objectivity, free of any bias. Unfortunately this is hardly ever the case. We are all prisoners of our pasts to greater or lesser degrees, and this is no less true of parents than of anyone else.

Ever had one of these conversations?

‘Don’t do that!’

‘Why not?’

‘Because.’

‘Because why?’

‘Because I said.’

And the really scary thing is that the last bit wasn’t actually your voice. You had once vowed to yourself that you were always going to take the time to explain things to your children. So it couldn’t have been you. No, the really strange bit is that somehow you found yourself acting inthe same way as your parents.

Helping teenagers to become adults is complicated enough on its own. Things can become even more complicated, however, if parents are in conflict with each other, or are stuck in conflict with their kids. Don’t take this to mean that parents shouldn’t disagree. Telling you that would be like standing on the beach and telling the tide not to come in. So, let’s be clear: conflict and disagreement over parenting come with the territory. As the Buddhists say: ‘Life is suffering.’ Clearly Buddha had a good understanding of parenting teenagers.

There is no shortage of reasons for parents to engage in conflict when it comes to bringing up adolescents. There’s the use of the car, the length of the hair, the colour of the hair, the complicated and fraught negotiations over curfew times, the body piercing, sex, drugs, and homework. You don’t need to think of reasons to get into conflict with your partner, because your teenager is an endless source of amazingly complicated issues. It’s often worse if you’re a single parent, because you may not have another person to bounce your ideas off. The single parent doesn’t even have the luxury of being able to think, self-righteously, that the other parent has ‘lost it’.

If you are to cope with the pressures of adolescence, it’s important to sort out your own issues first

Personal stress makes it difficult to relate to others in a positive manner — it’s hard to do this when you’re on edge and having difficulty coping with your own life. Middle-age stresses and strains are often viewed in a humorous light (think men and their Harley–Davidsons); however, this stage of life can be difficult to negotiate. The desire to be financially secure before retirement, the need to establish a fulfilling relationship  able to last into old age, plus worries about adolescent children — these can all add up to a stressladen life. It’s no wonder many 40-and 50-year-olds drink to excess, use recreational drugs, and ignore advice to eat healthy food and exercise regularly — if you have concerns about your health and lifestyle, talk to your GP, see a counsellor and/or join a gym.

Taking charge of your own life in these years is the subject of a book in itself.

However, it is of crucial importance for parents to look after themselves in order to survive the teenage years and support their children to become successful adults. If you are to cope with the pressures of adolescence, it’s important to sort out your own issues first. Some of the other issues you may want to look at include:

stress;

intimate relationships;

planning a balanced lifestyle;

goal-setting;

learning to relax;

the influence of your upbringing;

old ghosts;

developing cooperative parenting.

A new stage for parents

This is a time when parents have more time to spend with each other, as the children need less hands-on time. After years of being completely absorbed in your children’s lives, you may now be starting to recover a life of your own. They will be spending increasing amounts of time engaged in their own lives outside the home, leaving you more time for yours.

The transition of parents moving into mid-life as their children move through adolescence is not always smooth, and it can sometimes be delayed. Another child may arrive as others become young adults. Separated parents may begin new relationships, and this may bring children of different ages together as well. Whatever the timetable, eventually there comes a time when the focus of the couple is more on each other than it is on the children. This change brings opportunities for increased intimacy and quality time. It can also bring the possibility of increased conflict if the relationship cannot take this greater intimacy. All of which brings to mind the old Chinese proverb: ‘Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it.’

Facing up to mid-life

Mid-life is that moment when you realise that this really is your life. Mid-life brings both opportunities and challenges. It’s a time to reassess your dreams and look at the things you have achieved.

It’s easy to see why sometimes ordinarily sensible men do things likesuddenly rushing off to buy a ridiculous little sports car. It can be pretty hard to swallow the fact that you will be driving a station wagon until you die. No matter what people say, nobody actually wants to drive asensible family car. You do it because it’s sensible. Most of us want the European two-door soft-top with the CD stack in the tiny trunk. Mid-life is the time when you finally have to face the fact that you are going to have to let that dream go. You have to accept the fact that the stationwagon is your lot, and the two-door will be driven by someone else.

Mid-life can be a time of tremendous satisfaction as you enjoy the lifeyou have built. But it can also be a time of great questioning, a time oflooking back at the decisions you have made along the way and trying to figure out whether they were the right ones.

This will also be the time when most parents are dealing with adolescents’ attempts to become more independent and to carve out their own place in the world. It’s almost as though the developmental process puts teenagers and parents on an existential collision course. You may be agonising over mistakes in your own past and the cost of those mistakes, while your adolescents seem hell-bent on making their own totally unique mistakes. More often than not, however, it can appear that they seem hell-bent on replicating yours.

Stress and its effect on intimate relationships

We all experience periods of stress. Renovating a home, coping with young children, parenting a stroppy adolescent, starting a business, and making ends meet on a tight budget are just a few of the numerous stresses everyday life brings.

Stress can be positive! The challenge of managing a family , getting the house painted and going to work can be exciting. We can feel good and energised by being very productive. However, when things start to go wrong and the pressure becomes too intense, the stress can be negative.

Common responses to prolonged negative stress include anxiety, anger, depression, and a feeling of being overwhelmed. Having an affair, gambling, and excessive drinking are a few of the many possible behaviours that can be fuelled by negative stress.

Turning away from your partner in the face of negative stress — for example, by withdrawing and not communicating — adds another stress to a compounding problem. Having an affair, or spending your time gambling, are just other forms of turning away. Each time we turn away, we reduce our emotional relationship bank balance. Continually turning away courts emotional bankruptcy, and relationship death.

Turning towards our partner in the face of negative stress can strengthen a relationship — for example, talking about the difficulties you face builds trust in the relationship and encourages intimacy. Couples who share their lives with understanding and care will find ways to solve problems. Turning towards your partner is a natural anti-stress medication.

The types of conversations we have with our partners tell us whether we are turning towards them or away from them. Do you talk with your partner about the good and bad things of your day, discuss your dreams and fears — especially the silly ones — or let them know what you appreciate about them? If the answer is yes, congratulations! If the answer is no, try having these conversations for the next two weeks and see if it makes a difference to your relationship.

Having a healthy emotional bank account makes it easier to turn towards someone and more difficult to kill a relationship. A ‘Love Jar’ — no, it’s not a marital aid — is a fun way to create a healthy bank balance. As a couple, each write down on separate bits of paper 20 things you would like your partner to do for you, fold the pieces of paper up, and place them in a jar. Your requests might include having a cup of tea brought to you in the morning, a favourite meal cooked for you, a foot massage, whatever. Make sure your requests are manageable and do not involve sex (although a number of couples have reported an improvement in this area after introducing the Love Jar). Don’t ask for something your partner dislikes doing. Each of you takes a request from the jar at night and completes it the next day. Try this for two weeks, along with the conversations, and look for improvements in your life as a couple.

Remember that it takes two to tango, so the Love Jar exercise won’t work unless you are both willing to try it.

Turning towards your partner is a natural anti-stress medication

Working towards greater intimacy

Worthwhile relationships require intimacy, which Robert Burney — a spiritual teacher and co-dependency therapist — defines as ‘in-to-me-see’, or allowing another person to see into us. Intimacy is complex because it varies from one relationship to the next and changes over time. We can be intimate with our adolescent children by telling them what we are thinking and feeling about the work we do, situations involving grief, and myriad other meaningful times when we experience vulnerability, excitement, happiness or sadness. In being open with your children, remember not to burden them with issues that relate to your partner, husband or wife, as this will cause them to feel torn between two people they care about. The resulting conflict and stress is emotionally and psychologically damaging to children and adolescents.

Sharing ourselves with others is a form of ‘in-to-me-see’ because itallows the other person to look inside, to see a little of who you are. Indoing this, you make yourself vulnerable. What if they think you are weak or a little unusual? However, demonstrations of intimacy teach children and adolescents valuable life-long skills that will make them better partners and parents. Intimacy between parents provides the relationship glue necessary for an effective joint parenting team. In short, it provides parenting power!

The vulnerability stakes are much higher when it comes to being intimate with our loving partner. Most people in loving relationships seek closeness, which requires a total life-sharing if it is to be achieved. Allowing another to see into us fully means we have to become warriorsmoving into an uncharted aspect of the world of love.

Why warriors? The potential for pain increases as we allow ourselves to be closer to someone we love. Sharing our deepest fears, telling someone about something we are ashamed of, and exposing our deep emotions often run contrary to how we have been taught to behave. When you were growing up you might have received messages telling you that it isn’t safe to be emotionally honest — like ‘Don’t be a cry baby’, ‘Don’t show fear’, ‘Don’t tell them that or they will laugh at you’, or ‘You should be ashamed of yourself ’. These, and traumatic experiences of rejection and abuse, have led many of us to construct an image to help us survive or get on in the world. Such images protect us from hurt, but in doing so they create a wall, a barrier to intimate love.

Intimacy provides the basis for meaningful relationships and a foundation for love. Loving relationships require a whole-of-life intimacy and will likely falter if they are based on one type of intimacy. Physical intimacy, for most people, is the easiest to attain, but couples find sex diminishes at a rapid rate in the absence of emotional and intellectual sharing.

How would you rate yourself as an intimacy warrior? Do you share your fears and worries with your partner? Do you keep shameful experiences hidden from them? Do you share your dreams? Do you show your emotions when your partner is present or do you keep them to yourself? Do you have things in your relationship that are difficult to talk about?

Only you know the answers to these questions, and there are probably many more you could ask yourself. A few simple steps might help if you want to increase the level of intimacy in your relationship:

Take it easy; Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Let your partner know that you would like to have more sharing in your relationship.

Set the scene, choose a quiet place and make it special.

Share your own thoughts and experiences. Don’t expect your partner to do the same.

Ban blame, judgement and criticism from the conversation.

Don’t expect miracles; developing intimacy takes time.

Intimacy celebrates the power of your relationship — do it often and do it always.

Listening with your heart

Communication skills are an essential part of any positive relationship. However, communicating with an intimate partner requires a different focus.

‘Listening with your heart’ might sound like a soppy, airy-fairy, New Age mantra, however it is appropriate in this context. To take away someone’s heart means to take away her or his lifeblood. Saying to someone ‘I love you with all my heart’ means to give yourself fully. ‘Listening with your heart’ invites an understanding of your partner, their fears, feelings and intentions in the fullest way. The understanding you gain is a gift for the relationship journey.

Counsellors often teach couples communication skills, and listening is key to effective communication. However, communication skills work differently for different people. Couples have their own unique ways of communicating, and successful relationships may not necessarily adhere to tried and true formulas. For example, in the case of one couple who have been happily married for 40 years, at the first sign of conflict he heads for his garden and she starts baking. Not the sort of thing learned in conflict resolution courses! The formula works for this couple, but it is one that may drive others batty. What is striking is how well these people understand each other. They each know that the other dislikes conflict, and that a short time apart will enable them to let the issue go.

A similar situation with another couple might play out this way. A conflict situation develops and he heads for the garden. She comes outside, wanting to resolve the issue, and he sullenly ignores her. The conflict intensifies and a screaming match develops. They let the issue go after two weeks of arguing and a number of threats to leave. This scenario shows a couple clearly not demonstrating an understanding of each other.

‘Listening with your heart’ is a relatively simple concept, but it’s hard to do when you are overcome with anger, rejection, or just tired and preoccupied. The first step is to go forward and ask your partner what is going on for them. What has led them to being out of sorts, preoccupied, snappy, sullen, or withdrawn?

The second step involves listening to the words, and the feelings that go along with them. Notice the sadness, the tears and the worry. Imagine what it must be like for them. Don’t interrupt or defend your part in the situation, and don’t tell them how they should feel or what has led this to happen.

If you understand your partner’s perspective (and they will let you know), then you have listened with your heart. If you don’t understand, listen a bit more, because their acknowledging your understanding means you have passed the crucial test.

The third step is to validate their perspective, for example by saying, ‘I understand that …’ Understanding doesn’t mean you agree or support the other person’s perspective, it means that you have listened. Listening is not only a safety device to avoid a relationship collision, it is a luxury accessory to help every relationship grow.

Affairs

As we’ve noted, mid-life leads people to reflect on their lives to date and consider what the future holds. The level of contentment a person has with their intimate relationship may come into question during this time of reflection, or perhaps, uncertainty. Other additional stresses, like unhappiness with a career path, may be the deciding factor in whether a person remains loyal to their partner or takes a step back from this important commitment.

However understandable, affairs injure relationships because, for most couples, they breach an important agreement and destroy the trust on which they have built their commitment. When exposed, affairs unleash an ‘emotional twister’, which creates havoc for those involved. Understandably, such relationship injury leads people to walk away from their partner. Many carry on, however, flooded with shame, anger and outrage, which they seemingly have no control over. Others find themselves living in an emotional void bereft of the love and closeness they once felt in their partner’s company.

Couples who are experiencing this relationship injury are left with three main choices: to separate, to stay the same, or to rebuild their relationship.

Separation is a reasonable response to an awful situation. Staying the same is a less helpful choice, but no less understandable. Feeling hurt may make you want to leave your partner, but leaving someone you have loved, as well as a lifestyle, home, etc. can feel like a huge step. Rebuilding the relationship, even though it may feel like a hard choice at the time, has worked for many couples. Those who have chosen to rebuild their relationship after an affair have found the following steps useful:

Gain support from people you trust. Stay away from those who have their own agendas about your leaving or staying in the relationship.

If emotions are running high between you and your partner, give yourself an emotional break. Discuss the affair and its associated emotions at set times; for example, with your couple counsellor. At other times, talk about how you feel with the people you can trust or contact a helpline.

Be clear with your partner about what is acceptable and unacceptable in your post-affair relationship.

Put your hurt on the table and be clear about the impact of the affair on the relationship.

Gain assurances from each other and make a commitment to work on your relationship (this commitment may take place within a set timeframe, for example 12 weeks).

Examine (without blame) what led to the affair and deal with the issues raised.

Develop a vision for your relationship and take steps to achieve it.

When you are ready (perhaps within a three-to six-month timeframe) look towards completing an act of forgiveness.

Give trust time to build.

Forgiveness

The movie Red Sand, set in the context of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation trials, is a poignant and thought-provoking drama. Watching it, one can only feel in awe of Nelson Mandela’s ability to forgive his captors of 27 years in order to lead his country in a process of reconciliation. His ability to forgive is a model for anyone seeking to restore their relationship.

What is forgiveness? A workable definition is to give up resentment against, or the desire to punish, another person. The act of forgiveness has the ability to restore a relationship or heal personal wounds caused by another’s behaviour.

You might ask, why should I forgive them after what they did to me? Broken promises, abuses, lying, cheating and being treated indifferently or with contempt are good reasons not to forgive. In many instances, forgiveness has been used to excuse abusive behaviour in the past, for example the way some children were treated in orphanages run by religious groups. Forgiveness does have a place as long as it is used to effect positive change and not to excuse unacceptable behaviour.

The healing aspect of forgiveness has been advocated by a number of religions for centuries, although it is only recently that the connection of forgiveness and well-being has been given significant consideration by counsellors, psychologists and researchers. However, it is patently obvious to most of us that living with bitterness and resentment is unhelpful within the context of a relationship. Similarly, these emotions have a negative impact on people who have left a relationship but not the bitterness and resentment.

Studies have shown that the act of forgiveness can reduce anxiety and depression and increase self-esteem. For couples, the act of forgiveness is essential in restoring trust and healing the relationship. Forgiveness is not an easy option, and trust can only be restored when the victim and the victimiser do not forget the past, but make efforts to live differently as a result of remembering it.

Forgiveness is a process, a journey, and not the utterance of three or four words absolving someone of the wrong they have done to you. And forgiveness may not rest on the shoulders of one person in a relationship where both partners have inflicted hurt on each other.

Couple and family therapists, psychologists and the like have developed a number of approaches to forgiveness. Some are more complex than others, but they all have a number of things in common. In a relationship the act of forgiveness is a mutual undertaking requiring the involvement of both parties in taking a series of steps. Consult a professional if this task seems just too big to manage alone.

The first step is to name the injury; for example, spending $1000 without consulting the other, and the impact such an act has had on the relationship. It may symbolise a lack of trust, love and consideration for the person who wasn’t consulted.

Say how it hurt. Tell your partner how you feel and think and how they are responsible for doing such a thing to you.

Find out what led them to do such a thing. Hear their side of the story and work to understand their motivations.

Find balance, talk about leaving the injury behind and the importance of your relationship.

Choose to forgive, say the words, and if possible engage in a ritual that symbolises forgiveness. Some couples hold a recommitment ceremony to symbolise their new future together.

Forgiveness is a process, a journey, and not the utterance of three or four words absolving someone of the wrong they have done to you

The act of forgiveness allows the person who has wronged their partner to change and be different in the future. For the forgiver, it is an opportunity to let bitterness and resentment go; a chance to set oneself free from negative emotions. For the couple it is a chance to restore and strengthen their relationship.

Careers

Careers are important for people in mid-life as well. For some, their careers may be reaching their pinnacle; for others, there may be a new start on that final leg of their career that will see them through to retirement. Working hard on a career can bring excitement and satisfaction, and of course it can bring stress and high personal demands. Increasing numbers of people are entering mid-life without job security and with the ever-present knowledge that they are approaching age barriers to some employment. The fear of being unsuccessful or getting left on the employment scrapheap can also be enormously stressful for those in their forties and fifties.

Physical changes

There is also that terrible moment when you look in the mirror and discover that, almost overnight, your once young and trim body has become older, fatter, and generally saggier. It’s not fair, but then that’s just how it works. It’s important to look after the old body that you’ve found yourself with because it’s all you’ve got. It has to see you all the way through to the end, and so it’s good to get regular maintenance and to give it plenty of exercise. If anything breaks now because you don’t look after it, you’re stuck with it. Join a gym, go for a walk, eat healthier food — old advice, but still good advice.

Financial security

The financial issues are also challenging during the mid-life period. This is the time when you have to confront the idea of eventual retirement and all the implications of this change. If you have planned well, there will be little stress. But if you haven’t, this can be a very stressful time as you do the maths and figure out how many years of income you have, and how many actual years that it will have to cover.

In short, then, some of the important tasks of the mid-life period are to build enduring relationships, develop your career, try to maintain health, and ensure financial security in your later years. All this can be exhausting enough on its own. If you have to do all this and raise teenagers too, then you are probably going to have an interesting time. If coaching children through adolescence has difficult moments, so too does the negotiation of your own mid-life stage.

Dealing with stress as an individual

Stress is something that we all experience, although the situations, events, or pressures that can lead us to feeling tense or stressed vary from one person to another. Some people find decision-making exciting, while others experience anxiety. Some thrive on long hours at the office‚ while others become tense and irritable. There are even some people in the world who actually enjoy doing tax returns. The rest of us hate it.

How people deal with stress also varies. Some people would come back feeling renewed after a weekend fly-fishing, while others would come back wishing they had spent the weekend in the office. Dealing with stress requires an individual approach to finding balance and harmony in all aspects of your life. This can be a very difficult state to attain, as often the demands of your career seem to require you to do exactly the opposite of what you know is good for the family. You have to work longer hours to make the family financially secure, but then the harder you work the harder it is to keep the family relationships healthy.

Planning for balance

Do you ever feel like you are a passenger in your own life, and an anxious one at that? Does it ever feel like someone or something else is actually calling the shots? Do you ever feel like telling this mysterious and often chaotic driving force to slow down? Maybe even to pull over into a rest area? Feeling out of control provokes anxiety in most people, and so one obvious way to manage stress is to put yourself back in the driver’s seat. Planning your life more can help to lower stress levels. The following exercises will help you to attain more balance and control.

The first step is to create a list of the events or situations that you most enjoy, and another list of the things you find the most stressful. Some examples are given below:

Events and situations that | Events and situations that
I most enjoy | I find stressful
Reading a novel | House maintenance
Going to a movie | Completing end-of-month reports
Hiking and fishing with the kids | Working by myself on projects
Going to the gym | Driving to my parents’ house in the country and back again on the same day
Gardening | Arguing with my son about him taking the car on a Saturday night
Sunday family dinners |

The next step is to make a plan for minimising each stress factor and maximising each enjoyable activity. In the case of a stressful situation, you will need to decide whether you want to continue with the situation at all. If you do decide to continue, then you will need to decide how you can change the situation. Your plan will need to include details of exactly how you will do this, and establish a timeframe for carrying it out.

The trick with this method is to remember the KISS rule: keep it simple, stupid. Often the most complicated plan is not the best one. The more complicated the plan to deal with the stressful situation, the more potential there is for it to develop into a stress of its own. Simple solutions are easier to remember, easier to implement, and often quicker to deliver benefits. For example:

Event or situation | Reading a novel
Response | Enjoyable
Action step to minimise or maximise | Go to bed one hour early during the week to give myself time to read
By when | Starting next Monday

Event or situation | Going to a movie
Response | Enjoyable
Action step to minimise or maximise | Booking in time for at least one movie a month
By when | Spontaneous choice, but will tickoff on calendar each month toensure this happens
Event or situation | Visiting parents in the country anddriving down and back on thesame day
Response | Stressful
Action step to minimise or maxmise | Visit monthly instead of fortnightly and stay overnight
By when | Immediately

The next step is to check on your progress. Put your plan in a prominent place and ask your partner or a close friend to keep track of how you are doing. This is an important step; it involves translating the exercise from paper to the real world. Regularly review your goals and your progress. Make adjustments as necessary.

Goal-setting

In order to experience a sense of purpose in our lives, we must have goals. You must have some idea of where you are headed in order to avoid aimless wandering. For instance, it sounds silly to say, ‘Honey, I’m just going to the shops. I’m not really sure what I’m gonna do when I get there, but what the heck.’ Most people go to the shops in order to purchase specific things, such as milk or superglue. The need to have a goal is just as true of the bigger issues in life, such as career and education. We need to know where we are headed. Making and visualising goals is just as important as the steps it takes to realise them, so let yourself dream a little as you do this exercise, at least in the initial stages. There are some specific points that it’s useful to remember when setting goals:

Goals need to be specific.

You should be able to measure your progress towards your goals.

You should know when you have reached your goals.

Goals need to have a specific timeframe (that is, you should know if they are short-term or long-term goals).

Short-term goals (six months or less)

1. Brainstorming possible goals
List your short-term goals, as in the example below. Do not censor yourself; in fact, it’s best to let your imagination go a little crazy. 

Paint the house.

Build a waterfall in the garden. 

Complete a creative writing course. 

Learn a new language at night school. 

Save for a holiday. 

Take the kids skiing. 

Ran a half-marathon. 

Learn to juggle chainsaws. 

You may not be able to undertake and complete these goals in the next six months. You may not even want to, but it is important to consider your options.

2. Prioritise your goals
Choose the three goals that are your highest priority and that you think you can achieve in the next six months.

3. Planning the steps
Step 3 involves working out how you will achieve each of these three goals. The best approach is to break them down into manageable chunks. This will keep you on track and let you know if you are progressing towards your goal. An example of this is shown below:

4. Monitor progress and completion dates
It is important that you monitor how well you are doing. Put yourgoals up on a chart somewhere prominent, somewhere where you will see them. Ask your partner or a friend to support you in keeping on track. You may even want to reward yourself for the little steps you make along the way.

Goals | The steps I need to take | Date to complete by

Complete a creative writing course
a. Get information about what courses are offered locally
b. Enrol in the most suitable one
c. Enter course times in my diary
d. Discuss course with partner to gain support
February next year

Save for a holiday
a. Draw up a budget to see how much I can save
b. Decide on a location that is affordable
c. Ensure I can get the time off work
d. Set a date
December this year

Learn to juggle chainsaws
a. Check that health insurance is paid
b. Buy chainsaws
c. Enrol in a juggling course
d. Practise with chainsaws not running
e. When confident enough, start them up and juggle like crazy
November this year

Long-term goals (more than six months)

The process for setting long-term goals is the same as that for short-term goals. The only difference is that these tend to be the ‘bigger’ goals in life, such as education, career, or major family goals. The secret with setting long-term goals is to place greater emphasis on brainstorming and planning the steps to ensure you realise your goals. It is also important to build in rewards for yourself along the way towards achieving your long-term goals. Reinforcement is a powerful motivator.

Learning to relax

Like anything that’s really good in life, relaxation doesn’t happen by accident. You have to work at it. One really important thing you can do to reduce stress is to spend 15 minutes a day doing a relaxation exercise. This is not a substitute for balancing your life or goal-setting, but it is an important tool for maintaining emotional and physical health.

Our levels of stress rise and fall depending on what is happening to us minute by minute, as well as over time. The little pieces all accumulate to contribute to the larger stress picture. Over the course of a day, stress levels will rise and fall depending on a wide range of variables. Practising regular relaxation can help to decrease the amount of stress we experience over time. By mastering the art of relaxation (and it is an art) we can more effectively command our body to relax during other times. When the mind stops racing, the body inevitably follows.

Like anything that’s really good in life, relaxation doesn’t happen by accident

A simple relaxation exercise

For this exercise, you will need to set aside 15 minutes a day in a warm, quiet space where you will not be disturbed. This may involve calling the National Guard to keep everyone away while you have a few moments to yourself. You can either sit in a comfortable chair or lie on a carpet or rug.

Tensing and relaxing muscles

The important thing in this exercise is to notice the difference between tension and relaxation. You should allow yourself to be fully aware of both states as you do the exercise.

Remove any tight belts or ties and ensure that you can relax without having to support your body. Let the chair or the floor fully support it.

Start with your hands; clench them into fists. Hold them tightly clenched for a moment and feel the tension. Now let them go. Feel the difference between the tension and relaxation.

Screw up your face; really scrunch it up. Make the ugliest scrunched-up face you can. Feel the tension. Then let go. Notice the difference.

Tense your shoulders by trying to make your shoulder blades come together in your back. Hold it for a moment then let go. Tense your buttocks. Really hold on, then relax. Notice the difference as you relax.

Do the same for your legs. Tense them up tight as a wire; point your toes downwards until it almost hurts. Hold for a moment, just long enough to really feel the tension, and then let go again. Now notice the difference.

Tense your stomach as if someone has just punched you. Hold it for a moment and then let go again. Notice the difference.

Allowing your body to become heavy and relaxed

As soon as you have relaxed all of the muscle groups as described above, begin the journey around your body again, except this time all you have to do is notice as you allow each part of your body to become even more deeply relaxed. Notice your breathing. Don’t try to change it; just notice the gentle in-and-out rhythm.

When you’re ready, move from your breathing to your arms. Focus on how they are totally supported, on how nice it is to have them totally supported without you having to do anything. Imagine them feeling even more relaxed, feeling comfortably heavy; let them go.

Move to your face next. Let your jaw hang. Let your cheeks sag. Let your face just hang there. Don’t put any expectations on it at all; just let it go.

Slowly move your awareness down throughout your body, moving naturally from one part to the other. If you become distracted, focus on your breathing. Again, don’t try to change it; just notice it. When you feel ready, move back to your body. Let your shoulders, buttocks, legs, stomach and chest become heavy.

Imagine a quiet scene

After you have let your body become heavy and relaxed, imagine a relaxing scene — something that is enjoyable and relaxing. Some people think of lying on a beach watching the waves roll in or the yachts sailing out on the water. Others think of a tranquil garden or sitting in the bush. You can imagine whatever works for you — the top of a mountain or a tropical rainforest. Create the scene as fully as possible. Notice the details — the sights, the sounds, the smells. Notice things such as the warmth of the sand, the patterns on the leaves, or the wind on your face.

When you are ready, allow yourself to take the time you need to comfortably re-orient yourself to being back in the room. It’s important to go as slowly as you need to. Don’t rush it: simply allow yourself to become fully present, taking the time that you need.

Relaxing throughout the day

Notice your levels of muscle tension throughout the day. If you feel tense, let your muscles relax, think of your quiet scene, and notice your breathing. It may surprise you that after 15 minutes’ practice each day, you will find yourself being able to relax quite easily in your office chair or during other activities. One minute’s relaxation here and there will make all the difference in a busy day.

Reflecting on your own upbringing

How do you take your coffee (or tea, if that’s what you drink)? White or black? Sugar or not? How did your parents take theirs? A lot of people drink coffee the same way that their parents did. Or at least they may have started drinking coffee the same way, and maybe changed later for health reasons. All this isn’t that surprising when you remember that it’s usually our parents who introduce us to coffee in the first place, but it does raise the interesting question of what else you may have picked up from them. If they taught you how to drink coffee, what else did they teach you to do that you haven’t ever really thought about?

There will be times when you want to be sure that the words coming out of your mouth are really what you want to say, and not just the words that you heard in your own childhood. Some things that come out from time to time are best left in the past.

As we said earlier, where we come from is inevitably a part of where we are now. Life is too complicated to make up new rules for every situation, and so we invariably end up falling back on some of the rules that we learnt earlier in life. Some examples of family ‘rules’ are:

Children should be seen and not heard.

Boys don’t cry.

Hitting children is bad.

Hitting children is good.

Girls clean the house, and boys mow the lawn.

Hugging is good.

Hugging is bad.

The family in which we grow up moulds how we think and act, and it shapes how we raise our own children in turn. But you are not a prisoner of the rules that you learnt as a child; you do not have to follow them. Indeed, most people identify at least a few things that they experienced while growing up in their families that they don’t want to repeat with their own children. These can range from trivial things (for example, ‘I will not make my children take off their shoes every time they come into the house like we had to’) to very significant things (for instance, ‘I will not hit my children like my parents hit me’).

We model ourselves consciously and unconsciously on our parents. We may think our parents are worth emulating, or we may end up acting like them without wanting to, sometimes without even realising we are doing it. On the other hand, we may end up reacting against what they did and going to the opposite extreme. People who grew up in overly strict homes often become very liberal parents. People who experienced their parents as cold or unfriendly often work hard at becoming warm and open. Usually, however, the influence of our upbringing is tempered by our desire to be people in our own right, so that we are shaped by a mixture of the past and the present.

This section offers a process by which you can explore your family of origin and how it relates to your current parenting as well as your relationship with your partner. This may help you to gain some new insights into your current way of interacting with people and provide ways to develop new, more productive patterns.

Exploring your family history

Exploring your family history can be an emotional and powerful process. It can turn up the unexpected and can shed new light on where you have come from and where you are now. This is not something you should be afraid of, although it is possible that you may experience strong emotions when completing this exercise. If you feel overwhelmed by it, we strongly suggest that you seek professional support through counselling to work through the issues that have arisen. Having said this, the majority of people will find the exercise illuminating and, when shared with a partner, an intimate and bonding experience.

1. Drawing your genogram (family tree)
The first step is to draw your genogram. If you have a partner, you should each complete this step separately before you share the information. A genogram is like a wiring diagram of your families — both the one you grew up in and the one you live in now. Family therapists routinely start working with a family by drawing the genogram, as this helps them to understand the complex relationships within the family. The only materials you will need are a pen and paper. The symbols used in drawing a genogram are shown below.

Start with your grandparents, then your parents, and finally your own family. The example opposite is a genogram of a mother and represents three generations of a family. In this family, the paternal grandparents are both dead.

2. The exploration
Take yourself back to a time when you were younger — say, age 14. Work through the following questions, which have been designed to explore your family’s beliefs and patterns of interacting: 

What did it feel like growing up in your family? Were you happy or sad? Did you feel safe or did you feel frightened?

What were the good times and the not so good times?

What did you notice about the relationship between your parents? Did they fight a lot? Were they affectionate towards each other? How did their relationship affect you at that time?

Was there any violence in your family? Who was violent? Was it physical, emotional, or sexual violence? What did you do ifthis happened? How did it affect you at the time? How does it affect you now?

Who did what in the house? Was it a traditional relationship, in which Mum cooked and cleaned and Dad had a paid job and mowed the lawns? How has this shaped your beliefs about maleand female roles?

How strict were your parents? Who was most strict?

Did your parents set rules or were they relaxed? What would happen if you broke the rules? What do you think about that now?

How was conflict settled in your house? Was it allowed or did you have to close your emotions down? 

How were you treated in relation to your brothers and sisters? Were there any favourites? Did you feel included or left out?

How did you get on with your brothers and/or sisters?

What did you learn from your father about men and women? What did you learn from your mother about men and women?

What were the family beliefs and rules to do with sex? Were they explicit or unspoken? Did your family talk about sex openly or was it a taboo subject? 

Did your parents operate as a team? How did that affect you at the time?

Who set the rules? Were your parents united or did they disagree about their parenting?

What did you learn from them as parents?

Are you like them now? In what ways are you like them? In what ways are you not like them? Was this a conscious choice or did it just happen?

It may be best for you to write down answers to these questions. You might also want to record any other thoughts that occur to you as you go through this process.

3. Sharing your exploration
If you have been doing this exercise with a partner or friend, then the next step is to share your genogram with that person. You should also share your emotions and insights as you explain what it was like growing up in your family. 

As you listen to your partner talk about his or her upbringing, it is important not to pass judgement or contradict how your partner sees it. It is the other person’s reality, and you must respect and honour this. Listen carefully and support your partner. This may mean holding them, and openly acknowledging this shared moment as a gift. For some, this will be an intimate and emotional moment when secrets, grief, and old worries pour out. Sharing and being understood in a loving context is a healing experience in itself.

4. Taking a baggage inventory
This step involves taking a careful inventory of the baggage that you have brought with you into your relationship with your partner, and your relationship with your children. We all have baggage that we drag around; the only issue is how much. Some people have a moving van of stuff, and others keep it folded up in their back pocket.

Some questions that you may want to consider are:

What patterns did you bring into your family that are helpful? What patterns did you bring that are unhelpful?

How do you feel that your relationship with your partner has been influenced by your experience of your parents’ relationshipwhen you were growing up?

Were your parents strict or relaxed? Are you the same or different? Why is this?

What do you do when you are angry with your children? Are there any similarities between how you are and how your parentswere with you when they were angry with you?

Do you spend time with your children? How much time did your parents spend with you? What are the reasons for any differences?

Share these answers with your partner or friend. If you are doing this with your partner, compare your beliefs about parenting, partnering, intimacy, sharing, rule-setting, and so on. Two major themes should emerge from these comparisons. The first is what you have learnt from your family of origin and what impact this now has on your relationship with your partner. The second is what you have learnt about being a parent from your family of origin and what impact this has on your relationship with your children.

5. Developing joint parenting
Obviously this step applies to two-parent families. Make a list of all the things that you and your partner agree and disagree on as parents. For example, you might agree about curfew times, homework, and sexual behaviour. You might disagree on use of the car, work around the house, and drug use. Next make another list of how you will operate as parents. Focus specifically on the ground rules and the consequences you will put in place if they are not followed. The emphasis for you both should be on finding a compromise on which you can both agree. The compromise will need to work for you both equally, or it will be difficult to apply the ground rules.

For example:

Ground rules | Consequences if groundrules are not followed
Car can be used on a Friday night, but there is to be no drinking alcohol and driving, and there is to be no alcohol inside the car | Use of car will be suspended if the rules are broken 
Allowance will be given if agreed jobs are completed to an acceptable standard and within the agreed time limit | No allowance if jobs are not done

If you can’t agree on a particular issue as parents, do not set any ground rules. It is better to have no rules than to have rules in which you are not consistent. In this situation, you may need to visit a counsellor to help you to reach a workable compromise.

Dealing with old ghosts

Following your exploration of the family in which you grew up, you may find yourself acutely aware of how you relate to others. If you take your past and shake it up a bit, then you might find that all kinds of odd bits and pieces fall out. Sometimes these can be forgotten treasures. At other times, old ghosts can appear. Sometimes doing the genogram exercise can help you to become aware of influences that were peripheral, or even invisible. You may feel uncomfortable about this, and you may wish to make some changes. Similarly, issues that you had pushed aside years ago may re-emerge and need to be dealt with. The process of dealing with old ghosts is sometimes frightening, but also potentially extremely rewarding.

The good news is that you have already taken the first, and sometimes the biggest, steps. Being aware of the ghosts and talking about them with another person is a vital first step. Sometimes that may be all that is necessary. The act of talking about these old hurts with a loving friend or partner can be both healing and liberating. Some ghosts simply evaporate in the light.

There are some old hurts that may need more time and also some more experienced input. In these cases, you should talk with someone you trust who has professional experience in helping people in this situation. This could be a minister, your doctor, a counsellor, or a psychologist. If you do not personally know a counsellor or a psychologist, ask your friends or your doctor if there is anyone they would recommend. Choosing a therapist is a lot like choosing a new car: you have to check it out thoroughly first, ask a lot of questions, and even take it for a spin. Some people like some cars, others don’t. It’s all very personal, and it’s important that you end up with a car that suits your lifestyle and meets your needs. You may look at a number of cars before choosing the one that suits you best. It’s OK to talk to counsellors about their experience, training, ways of working, and fees before agreeing to make an appointment. It’s also OK to go elsewhere if you don’t find a particular counsellor helpful.

You may also want to take some action by yourself. You may use some of the exercises described in this book to do that (for example, daily relaxation, goal-setting, and making a list of behaviour you’d like to change). In addition to this, there is a vast range of self-help books that have been written on all kinds of subjects. Finding a book that deals specifically with your concerns can be invaluable in addressing your particular issues.

Working towards cooperation in relationships

It will be important for you and your partner to work on your relationship as well as on your parenting. As hard as this may be to believe now, one day the kids will be gone and there will just be the two of you again, just like in the early days. You need to be constantly investing time and energy in your relationship to ensure you are ready to enjoy this next stage, when the children leave home.

Below is a simple exercise that will help you to improve your relationship and make life more fun. As with any of the exercises in this book, what you put into it will determine what you get out of it.

Find some time when you can be together and not be disturbed. Maybe put on some nice music and light a few candles. Try to create a little ambience. Explain to your partner all of the positive things that you have noticed about him or her that contribute to your relationship. Then have your partner do the same for you.

Explain to your partner some of the things that he or she could do for you that would increase the quality of your relationship. Make your comments constructive. Use ‘I’ statements. Again, have your partner do the same thing. The point of this step is not to complain about the other person but rather to suggest ways to improve things. Work out ways in which you can help each other to achieve this.

Agree to surprise each other, keeping in mind what you have done at step 2. If you are disgustingly wealthy, you could buy each other a boat, a villa in France, or designer jewellery. If you are like the rest of us, you could make more modest gestures, such as giving a foot massage, making a cup of tea in the morning, or preparing a surprise dinner. Sometimes a cup of tea can make someone feel just as nice as being given a boat would. It’s all a matter of perspective.

This simple little exercise can bring immense rewards to your relationship. It can help you to develop a deeper level of cooperation and allow your relationship to flourish and grow. The simple act of giving something can aid in the development of intimacy and closeness. Don’t remind your partner to do something for you; rather, focus your energy on working towards pleasing them. Also, even though it sounds obvious, if your partner does something nice for you, remember to say thank you. There may also be some things about your relationship that you would like to change that require professional help from a couples counsellor or a sex therapist.

Teen Tip

‘Probably the most important thing is, don’t dump your issues on your kids!’

CHAPTER 13

Separation
and divorce

Issues relating to separation and divorce are likely to be felt very intensely by adolescents, even if the event occurred years earlier. Adolescence is a time when separation is viewed with the new understanding that comes from increasing knowledge and maturity. With this comes a new appreciation of the impact of the separation, and how things might have been different.

As a consequence, adolescents often experience an intense sense of betrayal in relation to the separation of their parents. They are likely to express any of the normal feelings of grief and anger, which may have been locked inside them for years. Not surprisingly, the anger is often directed at one of the parents. It may be directed at both parents, or at any new partner associated with the separation. The logic underlying their choice of who feels the brunt of their anger may not be immediately obvious. It will not necessarily be the person who initiated the separation. It may simply be the person with whom they feel safest in expressing their feelings. This is a time when teenagers will have new questions about the separation, and will need opportunities to talk about their feelings.

Separation — adults

Leaving your partner, especially when children are involved, isn’t a decision most people take lightly. In fact, it usually takes considerable courage to turn your life upside down and walk away from financial security and the life you have built with another person. For most people, however, separation is a step to a better life, free of destructive relational patterns.

A decision to separate might come long after the ship has gone down. The lead-up may resemble a long drawn-out affair, with people hanging onto a bit of wreckage waiting to be rescued. Other endings are decisive and unhurried after the couple find that ‘it just isn’t working any more’. For many, the end is like a bolt out of the blue, often in response to a relationship crisis.

Relationships typically don’t end with the separation. Finances may still need sorting, arrangements for the children need to be made, and agreement reached as to how you and your ex-partner will act towards one another at family functions and social gatherings. Bitterness, anger, grief, anxiety and depression are some of the feelings that stop people rebuilding their lives and/or developing necessary and workable post separation relationships.

Take Joseph as an example. He made a decision to separate after living in a friendly but unfulfilling relationship for over twenty years. Six years later he still finds it enormously difficult to be in the same room as his ex-partner who, incidentally, did not want the relationship to end. Conversely, she finds it easy to be with her ex-partner, having moved on from a period of absolute devastation. Joseph is still emotionally entwined with his ex-partner, while she has cut the ties that bound her to him.

Workable post-separation relationships depend on couples being able to untangle themselves emotionally from each other. Emotional entanglement makes it difficult to decide parenting arrangements, negotiate sharing assets, and learn how to communicate in a civil manner. As a result, children have to live in a war, with their parents on opposing sides. The process of seeing your hard-earned money being frittered away on legal costs, and having your body and mind haunted by tortured emotions often seems to go on forever.

These emotional entanglements can always be justified: ‘He took a lot of money out of the business and I haven’t got half of what I should have got’; ‘She’s spending all my money on that f****** bastard she left me for’. Such strongly held positions are often fuelled by unresolved emotions such as the hurt and rejection of being left, or anger at someone who has turned down your invitations to intimacy year after year.

Untangling yourself emotionally after a separation is extremely difficult, especially if you didn’t want it in the first place or, in contrast, you were the one who left but now believe your leaving was a mistake.

For many people, it takes about two years to complete the separation. However, some find it painful ten years later, while others reach completion quickly or before they leave. We are all different; the way we were brought up, how we think about ourselves, our relationship experiences, and our social circumstances all influence how we go about separating from another person.

Invitations to deal with separation in unhelpful ways are common at this difficult time. Overuse of alcohol, jumping into bed for comfort with someone you don’t even like, acting like you’re 20 when you are 50, and getting into a new relationship you know is wrong for you are ways some people deal with the pain.

Dealing well with separation is an important step towards rebuilding a new life and minimising the fallout for your children.

Develop a separation plan, if possible with your partner. How to tell the children, separate the finances and communicate with each other are just a few of the things you need to consider.

Have a self-care regime in place — a regular time to go to the movies with friends, meditate, exercise, etc.

Understand and manage your own feelings. Don’t try to control your ex-partner; rather, focus on dealing with yourself.

Talk to a person you trust, or seek counselling to manage the thoughts and feelings which accompany separation.

Have a parenting plan in place and be the best co-parents you can be in order to minimise trauma and anxiety for your children.

Don’t talk negatively about your ex-partner to your children or share your burdens with them — they will only feel worse.

Keep an emotional distance from your partner. You may want to have them help you with a problem, or talk to them about your feelings, but doing this will serve to continue the emotional connection.

Have authoritative chats with yourself. Give yourself clear, helpful messages; for example, ‘You might be finding living on your own difficult, but you can do it.’

How children are affected by a separation

Research shows that separation does have a negative impact on a small minority of children. This may result in behavioural problems, poor school performance or health difficulties, including substance abuse and increased sexual activity. These negative outcomes are more likely to be related to parental conflict (pre- and post-separation) or the difficulty their parents are having in adjusting to the separation, rather than the separation itself.

Following separation

Separation is for most children a highly disruptive and distressing event. It is likely to have some long-term effects on their lives. No matter how they act, children — and adults whose families separated during their youth — have always known this. Research now provides evidence to back their experience.

Despite this, increasing numbers of children have to cope with the separation of their parents at some stage in their lives. Regardless of the circumstances, regardless of how intolerable the parents’ relationship may have been for one or both partners, and regardless of how destructive or unhappy that relationship may have been, children would rarely have chosen for the separation to have occurred. This is a fact that we have to face. And adolescence is a time when parents may face this fact head on. However, parents can make a big difference to how the separation affects their children. The following sections provide a number of helpful guidelines.

Now for the good news …

The effects of separation on children are greatly influenced by the way it is handled, both at the time and in the following years. Parents can make a big difference if they know what their children need, and are able to set aside their differences in order to help their children.

Some of the worst scenarios of adolescence can be avoided if parents know what to do before their children get to that stage. But if you are still having to deal with adolescents who are angry or upset about a family separation, try to look on the positive side. It is helpful, at least in the calmer moments, to know that this is a normal part of their coming to terms with a major event in their lives. This is an opportunity you can use to help them. When you are able to accept their feelings and answer their questions, you are helping them to take important and healthy steps in their emotional development.

Teenagers have an advantage over younger children in that they have a more mature understanding of the issues to do with separation. They are also likely to have the support of peers with whom they can discuss their feelings. But they still need the support and information that their parents can give them. And they still need help to come to terms with a separation, just as younger children do. Knowing about separation is one thing; having it happen to you is something else again. This applies both to adolescents whose families are currently separating and to those still coming to terms with a separation that occurred when they were younger.

What children need after a separation

Information: age-appropriate explanations for the separation

Your children will need to be reassured about:

where they will live, with whom, and for how long;

what to expect in relation to custody and access;

what is not known, and how and when it will be decided.

Note that some things may need to be explained a number of times.

Reassurance

Your children will need to be reassured that:

they are not responsible for the separation;

they are not responsible for either parent’s well-being after the separation;

both parents still love them;

it’s normal to feel sad, upset, and angry;

they will be well cared for;

they will have regular contact with both parents;

it’s OK to love both parents — they don’t have to choose;

it’s OK to talk about their feelings;

other kids have the same problems — they are not the only ones;

they can enjoy being with one parent without feeling disloyal to the other.

How parents can help

Try to put the anger and sadness behind you

When you have resolved your own feelings about the separation, and are getting on with your life in a positive way, your children will feel more secure. Consequently they will be more able to make progress in their healthy emotional development. This applies particularly to those adolescents who feel anxious about how a parent is coping and who feel responsible for their parents’ well-being. They need to see that you are able to cope, and that if you need help, you will organise it with another adult. You could, for example, seek help from a friend, from an adult family member, or from someone you know who has been through a similar experience. You may also decide to seek help from a counsellor. This should not be a cause of shame or guilt. It is simply an acknowledgement of the difficulty of the task, and its importance for your well-being and the well-being of your family.

Research shows that it is very beneficial if both parents have a high level of involvement with their children post-separation, for example having a 50/50 care arrangement. Similarly, if the child lives primarily with one parent, having a warm and close relationship with the other parent is associated with low anxiety, pro-social behaviour and a lack of problems with peer groups.

Access

Set up a generous access arrangement. Ideally, children should have regular and frequent contact with both parents. In reality, practical problems — such as conflict between parents, distance between parental homes, transport problems or a family history of violence or abuse — often get in the way.

Generally, if parents are able to focus on what is best for their children, a compromise can be reached to resolve these problems. Of course, this may require the development of new negotiating skills that have not previously been evident in the relationship. It also means that parents need to set aside their own differences in order to meet the needs of their children. This is a tall order. While we’ve provided some suggestions in earlier chapters on creating helpful dynamics and resolving differences, you may require help from a mediator or counsellor in this situation. In some countries, including New Zealand, the courts recognise the difficulty and the importance of this by providing free counselling for parents negotiating access and custody arrangements.

Younger children should never be put in the position of having to choose which parent they will live with and how much contact they will have with the other parent. However, it is important for them to be able to voice their concerns, which parents need to hear. For example, children of any age may be distressed at the introduction of a new person in the life of their mother or father, and parents need to pace this adjustment slowly and sensitively. Adolescents can be expected to have some clear opinions on these issues, and these views should be taken into consideration.

Don’t undermine the other parent

Encourage your children to enjoy their relationship with their other parent. You can dissolve a marriage, but you can never change the fact that your ex-partner is still a parent to your child. For the sake of your children, you will need to put any bitter or hostile feelings towards your ex-partner aside when in the company of your children. You may find the following guidelines helpful.

Do:

Be positive about their relationship with the other parent and about the time they will spend together.

Let them know that you will be OK in their absence.

Encourage them to sort out any problems they have with their other parent directly (this applies to adolescents in particular).

Ensure that they have quality time with you that is focused on their needs.

Sort out any problems you may have with your ex-partner away from the children.

Don’t:

Ask them to deliver messages.

Cross-examine them about their time with the other parent.

Use them to ‘spy’ on events or people in the other household.

Argue with your ex-partner in front of them — especially at access times, and especially about issues that relate to them.

Be honest and reliable

As far as possible, children need to know what is happening when a separation is being planned. Generally it is wise to give them some advance notice, especially when major changes are expected, such as swapping schools or moving house. This applies particularly to adolescents, who may wish to have some input into the arrangements that are being made.

When there are questions that you can’t answer, say so

When there are questions that you can’t answer, say so. Tell them how and when you might get the answers to their questions. Above all, don’t make promises that you may not be able to keep. It’s better to be honest now than to let your child down later.

Don’t ‘spoil’ them

Separated parents are often tempted to provide gifts or treats for their children as a way of easing their feelings of guilt about the separation, or because they worry about the effects of the separation and want to ‘make up’ for this in some way. It may also seem like a way to make their limited time together a happy and ‘special’ experience.

There is nothing wrong with the occasional treat, but treats soon stop being special if they come to be expected. Children learn to take advantage when treats are being provided from a position of weakness, as implied by the motivations mentioned above. They learn to value you for what you can provide, rather than for who you are. They learn to demand more, and they learn that material things are more important than relationships.

An unhelpful competition can also develop with the other parent, or a sense of resentment may build up if they are unable or unwilling to provide the same things. What your children really need is your undivided attention, even if your time together is limited. In fact, some parents develop a better relationship with their children after a separation, simply because their time together becomes more focused.

The indirect consequences of separation

Sometimes it is not the separation itself that is most damaging for children, but the consequences that follow from it. There are three factors in particular that seem to be crucial to the development of children after a separation:

the level of conflict between the parents;

the emotional adjustment of the parents, and their attitudes to themselves and their situation;

the financial circumstances of the family.

Conflict

Children do least well after a separation when there is continuing conflict between their parents. Conflict creates fear, anxiety, and insecurity. It can lead to children feeling pressured to take sides, and getting caught up in a fight that is not theirs. It can cause some children to become more aggressive.

Adolescents seem particularly vulnerable to being caught up in their parents’ disputes, as they are more likely to be used as a confidant or ‘spy’. Dilemmas about divided loyalty are very common for them, and these can make it difficult for them to enjoy the company of one parent without feeling that they are betraying the other. Access visits become associated with conflict, tension, and stress because they are often the times when their parents meet. All this can cause great distress, and can make it difficult for them to form trusting, intimate relationships in the long term. For some adolescents, this kind of conflict can lead to a range of antisocial behaviours such as aggression, stealing and a deterioration in academic or work performance. Those who do best are those who are able to distance themselves from any parental conflict.

There are several ways in which you can avoid creating these problems for your children:

Children do least well after a separation when there is continuing conflict between their parents

Discuss your differences with your ex-partner away from the children.

Seek mediation or counselling to help resolve the difficult issues.

Make access visits easier for the children by avoiding confrontations at these times. If necessary, enlist another adult to help with drop-off and pick-up times.

Make sorting out access, custody and division of property a priority. Try to avoid lengthy disputes.

Being prepared to compromise is not easy, and at times may not even be fair. Tania’s story illustrates some of the dilemmas a separating parent may face.

Tania’s story

When Tania’s husband, Steve, suddenly announced that he was leaving her to live with a friend of theirs, she was understandably devastated. They had been married for 15 years and had three children, to whom they were both devoted. To Tania, and to her friends, they had seemed to have a great relationship. For many months she found it hard to believe that it had ended so suddenly, and kept imagining that she would wake up and find it had all been a terrible dream.

Tania was supported by friends and family, who shifted from disbelief to anger somewhat faster than she did. They frequently commented on how badly she had been treated, and described Steve in terms that made him sound only slightly less evil than the devil. They urged her to minimise the amount of contact Steve had with the children and to hold out for a generous financial settlement. Her lawyer also urged her to fight for her rights, although Tania suspected that he had his own interests at heart, rather more than hers, when offering advice about how she might do this. Steve certainly showed no signs of doing what her supporters wanted him to do: he expected to continue playing an important role in the lives of his children, and expected Tania to play a larger part in their financial support.

When Tania finally faced the fact that her marriage was over, there was a part of her that felt angry and wanted to punish Steve. Instinctively, however, she distrusted the advice that she was getting from her friends and family. At the same time, her confidence in herself had been shot to pieces by Steve’s leaving, so she felt lost and confused. She sought help from a counsellor, who helped her to consider her options and to work out what she wanted for herself, and what was best for her children.

Tania eventually managed to get past her desire to punish Steve and agreed to his having regular contact with his children. She recognised that it was in the children’s best interests to continue to enjoy a good relationship with their father. It took longer for her to realise that this was also in her best interests, partly because it gave her regular breaks and a chance to live a life of her own. She also saw how a friend’s children had turned against their mother during their teenage years, when they realised that she had blocked access to their father.

Sorting out the family finances proved to be more controversial. Tania settled for a financial agreement that was somewhat less than her friends and lawyer considered reasonable. She was accused of being weak and foolish. But by now Tania had the strength to make her own decisions. In her mind, the cost of continuing the battle over the financial settlement was greater than any possible gains that might result from it. She knew that she was probably accepting less than her entitlement, but she also knew that she could manage on this amount. Once again, it was in her children’s interests that she get on with her life and maintain a civil relationship with their father. Long drawn-out legal battles between them would only have sapped her energy and resulted in bitterness on both sides.

While many people did not agree with Tania’s decision, they could not help but acknowledge the relative ease with which the children moved between their two homes, and the way that they continued to enjoy a good relationship with both parents. The children had been spared the worst effects of the separation, and both Tania and Steve were getting on with their new lives.

Parents’ emotional adjustment

Children are more likely to do well when their parents feel good about themselves and their life situation. This applies in all families, regardless of their circumstances, but a sense of well-being can be particularly difficult to achieve after a separation. For those parents who did not make the choice to part, separation can have a devastating effect on both self-esteem and happiness. If your confidence was a bit shaky beforehand, the rejection implied in an unwanted separation can be the final straw. And even if it was your choice to separate, it is normal to feel angry, to grieve for lost dreams, and to feel anxious about the future. So how are you supposed to feel good about yourself and your life? And how can you provide your children with the positive role model they need?

For those who are, not surprisingly, finding this difficult, here are some suggestions that may help. Choose the ones that are right for you:

Give yourself time. Most people find that it takes at least two years to get over a separation. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, or worried. These are normal reactions. Talk about your feelings with friends and family members who you can trust to be understanding and supportive. Arrange counselling for yourself and/or your children. The information, support and validation that you get from a good counsellor will help you to move on emotionally.

Try to sort out arrangements for access, custody and property division as soon as possible. It is difficult to get on with your life until these issues have been resolved. Find out what resources are available. Ensure that you get the legal, financial and practical help that you need.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and you need some good things to keep you going. Treats don’t need to cost a lot of money; you just need to recognise that you deserve them. They may be as simple as having coffee with a friend, or taking time out to have a long soak in the bath. One way to be kind to yourself is to make a list of your strengths and achievements. Add at least one item each day to this list for as long as you need reminding. Another way to be kind to yourself is to make opportunities to develop new interests and new contacts.

Share your feelings with your children, while letting them know that you are getting any help you need from other adults.

Educate yourself about the effects of separation and about your needs and those of your children at this time — read books, talk to friends, find out about courses and support groups in your area.

Use the separation as a chance to develop skills and self-reliance.

Avoid thinking of yourself as a victim. Respect yourself and expect others to treat you with respect. The negative stereotypes that some people associate with separated or single parents can only hurt you if you believe in them yourself.

Changes in financial circumstances

Separation is frequently associated with a deterioration in financial circumstances, at least for the children and the custodial parent. For many, it is the effects of financial problems, rather than the fact of separation, that have the greatest impact on their lives. After a separation, choices about accommodation, health, education and general well-being are often more limited, as there is likely to be less money coming into the household. For parents of adolescents and older children, there are additional expenses, since items such as food, clothes, education and transport often cost more than they do for younger children. These extra costs are not usually acknowledged in child-care arrangements or in the amount of assistance provided by the state.

Older children and adolescents worry about money, and may feel responsible for keeping the family going. Obviously this is more likely if they see that a parent is anxious about money or is not coping financially. In addition, the burden of poverty can deny them the emotional security and access to resources necessary for their healthy development, and to allow them to reach their full potential. The welfare of children is the responsibility of both parents, and separation does nothing to change this. All too often, however, children are left without adequate financial support after a separation, for a number of reasons, such as:

the custodial parent’s need to focus on child-care rather than paid employment, because of the ages of the children and/or their emotional needs;

the non-custodial parent’s unwillingness — or inability — to give priority to the financial support of these children; most commonly this will be because they either lack resources, have taken on other commitments, or have unresolved issues relating to the ex-partner that get in the way of the interests of the children;

the inadequacy of financial assistance provided by the state for lowincome families.

If you are a parent on a low income and have been left with major responsibility for the care of the children, the options available may seem few and unattractive. There may, however, be some things you can do to change your circumstances, or at least to change the way you think about them. For instance:

Never apologise for your lack of money. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Don’t feel guilty if you can’t provide everything that your children want. No parent can do that, regardless of the family income. Focus on providing what they need.

Treats and family outings don’t have to be expensive. Provide opportunities for fun and relaxation without feeling obliged to spend lots of money.

Take pride in being resourceful and teach your children to do the same.

When appropriate, involve older children and adolescents in choices about how limited funds might be allocated.

Demonstrate through your actions and your self-esteem that people and relationships are more important than material possessions.

Seek help with budgeting if you need it.

Encourage adolescents to develop some sense of control over their lives through a part-time job that does not interfere with their studies. This can open up opportunities for them to buy things that they would like but could not otherwise afford.

When considering any options in relation to paid employment, trust that you are the expert on what is best for you and your children. Some compromise is likely to be required, whether you choose to join the paid workforce or to focus on child-care. You are the best judge of the relative advantages and disadvantages of the options available to you.

Teen Tip

‘Deal with it like an adult! Be civil. While it may sound like a cliché — don’t sort your issues out in front of your kids. It is also important that you don’t take it out on them or make them think that it is their fault. Assure them that you love them.’

CHAPTER 14

Single
parenting

It may be stating the obvious, but single parenting has its advantages and its disadvantages. Often we get bogged down thinking about how hard it can be to have the main — or total — responsibility for parenting, and we forget about the positive aspects. There’s so much misinformation around these days, such as that boys can’t grow up to have a good life or be good citizens without having a male role model.

The fact is, there is no such thing as a ‘normal family’, and while we’re talking about it, what’s ‘normal’ anyway? Single-parent households are just one in the range of families that are common today, and may result from an early decision to go it alone, widowhood, or divorce. So what’s good about being a single parent, especially if there are one or more adolescents in the household?

The advantages of single parenting

Children can become closer to a single parent

Without another adult in the home, the bond between parent and child is likely to become more intense. Family members rely more on each other for practical help and to share the ups and downs of everyday life. For the parent, the trick is to value this opportunity while not burdening an adolescent with inappropriate adult responsibilities.

Household rules don’t have to be negotiated with another adult

When two parents in the same household disagree about family rules, adolescents are particularly good at playing them off against each other, and doing exactly as they please. When the rules are realistic and consistent, however, it’s simpler and clearer for everyone. Single parents can establish guidelines to suit themselves and their children within their own home. Even when children are going between homes with different rules, they soon learn what each parent expects and can adjust to the difference.

It’s easier for adolescents to share in decision-making

Single-parent households can be less hierarchical, because there is only one parent to negotiate family rules with the children. This is particularly useful with adolescents, who are at a stage when they should gradually be negotiating increased responsibility for important decisions about their lives.

A lifestyle that relies on everyone’s cooperation teaches competence and responsibility

Children who grow up in a single-parent household often have to help with extra chores just to make the family routine manageable. They might, for example, have to help more with ordinary household tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and care of younger children. By adolescence, the chances are that they will have acquired habits and skills that will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives. This does not mean that they have to sacrifice their childhood for the ‘good’ of the family. Once again, it is important to find a balance and not to overburden them with too much responsibility.

The traps and how to avoid them

Exhaustion

Having to face the relentless onslaught of an adolescent in full flight can wear down the strongest parent. When you’re doing a lot of the parenting without the support of a partner, you need to make sure you build up a good support system elsewhere. You need at least one person who will understand and support you when you’re feeling down. However, make sure you choose people who help you to tap into your strengths — if you end up feeling guilty or more inadequate after sharing your concerns, you’ve chosen the wrong person to talk to.

Another useful strategy is to find other parents of adolescents with whom you can share your experience and ideas. There is nothing more therapeutic than discovering that your problems are a normal part of life, and getting advice and support from others who are going through the same experience. As parents we find that one of our greatest concerns is often that ‘this is only happening to me and it’s my fault’.

There is nothing more therapeutic than discovering that your problems are a normalpart of life, and getting advice and support from others who are going through the same experience

If things are still too difficult, join a support group or seek professional help from a counsellor who specialises in family and adolescent issues. Remember: there is no such thing as a perfect parent. You don’t have to be ‘Super Parent’ all by yourself; in fact, there is no such thing as a Super Parent.

Wherever possible, work cooperatively with the children’s other parent to respond to the issues that adolescence brings. This is particularly important, as it’s in the best interests of your child that both parents set aside any differences to provide the help and guidance needed at this time. It’s also in your interests to share the responsibility for this task, as this will mean you are less likely to suffer from exhaustion and will have more time to be with friends or pursue your own interests.

Dealing with competing needs

Juggling the needs of children with your own adult needs, the demands of running a home, and perhaps a career as well can be hard work. This is where your support system can help, but it needs to be backed up with self-care. Take time for yourself, time with adult friends away from the children, and time alone to do the things you enjoy. Regular access visits by children to their other parent can often provide this opportunity and be good for all concerned.

If access visits are not possible, you may need to be more creative. Start by giving yourself permission to have some time to yourself. Acknowledge that it is something you deserve, and something you need. Taking care of yourself is not just an ideal — it is essential if you are to have the energy that you need for taking care of your family.

Having done this, consider your options: Are there family members who might help from time to time? Do you have friends who would happily have your children for overnight or holiday visits?

Take time for yourself, time with adult friends away from the children, and time alone to do the things you enjoy

Do you know others in similar circumstances who might be prepared to care for your children at times, on the understanding that you would do the same for them? Can you budget for the occasional babysitter? Or are there any organisations in your area that specialise in providing the respite care that you need?

Becoming dependent on the adolescent

When a parent is going through a personal crisis their children are frequently very aware of the level of stress and distress they are experiencing. At such times, adolescents often provide both emotional support and practical assistance for their parent. They may be caring for their parent as much as or more than the parent is caring for them. While this is natural and can be positive for all concerned, it is not helpful to either you or your children if you rely on them too much or for too long. Adolescents can be burdened with inappropriate confidences, with too much responsibility, or — particularly when their parents are separating — with invitations to take sides in a battle that is not theirs. When they feel responsible for the well-being of a parent, it is difficult for them to get on with their own lives and this can often cause them distress. They need to see you getting on with your life and getting the support you need from other adults. This is particularly important when the time comes for them to be leaving home. DON’T make YOUR problems THEIRS.

Financial pressures

Most single parents suffer greater financial pressures than two-parent families, and separation or the death of a partner can result in a sudden sharp decline in living standards. The expense of supporting adolescent children, such as the increased costs of food, clothing, and education, can be a major source of worry, and these increases are not usually reflected in any increased income from either the other parent or the benefit entitlement.

Some adolescents are very sensitive to any financial constraints on their family, and may even worry a lot themselves. Others are more concerned about having the material things that go with belonging to a particular peer group, and can be very demanding.

This may be a time when the options of getting back into the paid workforce or taking on longer hours of paid work become more attractive. But regardless of whether you can change your financial circumstances, you can change the way you think about them. For many people, this means taking a stand against the feelings of guilt that arise when single parents are unable to provide the things their adolescents want. By all means get angry, because it isn’t fair, but talk to your friends about it, not to your child! If you feel like it, you may want to consider putting your energy into some form of political action. But try not to feel guilty or become defensive, and if you do, don’t take it out on yourself or your children. Explain the situation, as calmly as possible, but don’t apologise for being single and don’t let anyone blame you because you can’t afford the things they want to buy. Remember that you are doing the best you can with the resources you have available!

When there are competing demands on the family budget, discuss the options with your children and, where appropriate, allow them to make choices that directly concern them. For adolescents, a part-time job may help them to work towards buying the ‘extras’ that your budget would not otherwise allow. This helps them to become more responsible and gives them valuable experience. It also helps to provide them with a sense of having more power over their lives, and gives them the ability to make their own choices about what they buy — this has a natural attraction for adolescents. (See also the section on financial problems in Chapter 13.)

Discipline

There are several pitfalls for the single parent when it comes to discipline, particularly with regard to adolescents. Let’s deal with them one at a time.

Relying on older children

The parent who has relied on older children for practical help and/or emotional support may find it hard to change the tone of the relationship when it becomes necessary to set limits on behaviour. This can also lead to resentment from adolescents, who have perhaps thought of themselves as equal partners in running the household. To avoid this confusion, it is important that adolescents’ roles as helpers are always clearly defined and limited to certain functions. You might say, for example, ‘I’m leaving you in charge of the younger children while I’m out doing the shopping.’ Being given special responsibilities should never be confused with equality, because adolescents still need your guidance and strength to set effective limits on dangerous or unacceptable behaviour.

It is important that adolescents’ roles as helpers are always clearly defined and limited to certain functions

Guilt

Single parents who worry about the effects on their children of a separation, or who feel guilty or responsible in some way, may want to give more to their children as a form of compensation. This can disempower parents when it comes to setting limits or making unpopular decisions. Despite the best of motives, they may not be able to provide the guidance that their children need. If you think this may be happening in your household, you may need to deal with unresolved issues of your own relating to your situation. Talking to supportive friends, family members or a good counsellor can help you to do this if it is too hard to do by yourself.

Inexperience with discipline

If you did not previously take primary responsibility for discipline in the family, you may feel lacking in confidence and skills. It may even be necessary to establish some authority where little has existed before. This is particularly difficult if your confidence in other areas has also taken a nose-dive, as is often the case after the break-up of a relationship. There are lots of parenting courses that may be helpful, some focusing on adolescents. Skills can also be learnt from reading, from family counselling, from support groups, and particularly from talking with your friends. In addition, you may have more general issues relating to self-confidence and self-esteem that it would be useful to address. This will be helpful not just for your parenting, but in other areas of your life as well.

Challenges from adolescents

Adolescents are good at challenging your reasoning and your values. Without the support of another adult in the house, you may lose track of what’s fair and reasonable, especially when subjected to a sustained barrage of challenges. You may feel tempted to ‘give in’ through sheer exhaustion. Let your children know that you are prepared to listen to their concerns, and to reasonable proposals. But they also need to know that you won’t crumble when faced with unreasonable demands, just because they are presented loudly or unrelentingly. Take time to consider and/or consult, rather than being pushed into decisions that you are not ready to make. You might like to try reflecting on your own upbringing, tapping into your experience of what was helpful and what was not.

Understanding the reasons for a separation

If you have separated from your child’s mother or father, no matter how long ago or in what circumstances, adolescents will seek a new understanding of events relating to the separation. This is partly because they now have a better appreciation of the issues involved. It is also partly motivated by their need to know who they are and how they got to be that way. They may experience an intense sense of betrayal about the separation itself, or about indirect consequences, such as the sense of loss of a parent if they fail to maintain regular contact or to provide more financial assistance.

New relationships

Parents who are trying to get on with their lives by forming new relationships can also be seen as traitors. Any new relationship can be seen as a threat to the closeness between parent and child. Where the parents have separated, a new relationship can be a threat to the child’s dreams of family reunion, and any unresolved issues relating to the separation inevitably arise. This is a time when you need to ensure you get undivided ‘quality time’ with each of your children. Be prepared to explain again the circumstances relating to the separation, particularly with adolescents. It is likely that you may need to cover this subject a number of times at different points in your child’s life, giving respect to their relative maturity and right to know about feelings and events that were not shared with them when they were too young to understand. There are additional complications when both parent and adolescent are confronting the same anxieties, excitement, and dilemmas of entering a new social scene and forming new sexual relationships. This can place them on an equal footing at a time when the parent still needs to maintain some authority. An ability to talk about the issues, to maintain dignity, and to approach other people in your support system when you need help will go a long way towards avoiding the worst pitfalls of this situation. A good sense of humour will also serve you well.

‘He’s just like his father … she’s just like her mother … !’

Not surprisingly, an adolescent’s appearance, mannerisms, or behaviours can serve as a reminder of the absent parent. Some of these parental characteristics will have been inherited through the child’s genes, and some may have been learnt. Depending on the circumstances, these reminders can be endearing or infuriating. Either way, they can be a burden for the child.

For example, the child of a much-loved partner who died prematurely or left unexpectedly may feel an unspoken obligation to be like that person. That child may consequently be unable to develop his or her own separate personality and lifestyle. On the other hand, a child can serve as a reminder of an ex-partner who is intensely disliked by the custodial parent. This child may even be treated differently from others and get the message that he or she can do nothing right. Such children may also feel that it is part of their destiny to be like the other parent, even to the extent of developing the very characteristics that are disliked.

It is really important that children are valued for who they are, and not burdened with a parent’s dreams (or nightmares) of what they could be. Focusing on the similarities with the other parent can blind you to the differences. Think about these differences for a while — even make a list if it helps. Think about the input that you and others have made to your children’s development. Try hard to separate your feelings about your children from your feelings about their other parent. Ask yourself, is it OK for them to be different from either parent? Can you love and appreciate them as they are? If unresolved issues between you and your ex-partner are getting in the way here, it will be in both your interests and your child’s to address these issues. Consider the options of personal counselling, talking with friends, or joining a support group.

The relationship between the adolescent and the ‘other parent’

Whether the other parent is present or absent, alive or dead, known or unknown, an adolescent will have thoughts and feelings about him or her. When you understand this, you can help your children to satisfy the normal adolescent need to work out who they are and where they come from without feeling threatened. It is normal for adolescents to ask more questions about their other parent than they might have as a younger child. They may also be seeking more time with their other parent. The wise parent will see this as a normal part of growing up and will not interpret it as a personal rejection and feel threatened.

It is not uncommon for adolescents to want to move in with the other parent at this stage. For the parent who has, until this time, fulfilled the role of primary care-giver, this may arouse feelings of anxiety, resentment and/or rejection. For adolescents, it does not usually imply a vote of ‘no confidence’, but a very natural need to get to know their other parent better and to experiment with a different way of living. A shift that is carefully planned by both parents at this stage can be in everyone’s best interests.

There is much evidence that the children who do best after a separation are those who have the continuing love and support of both parents. They are those who are not torn by conflicting loyalties, and those who are not faced with ongoing conflict between their parents. When you create this sort of environment for your children, you are making a major contribution to their emotional health and happiness. Everyone wins when separated parents can set aside their differences and cooperate in meeting the needs of their children.

Of course it is not always easy to do this. In extreme cases, particularly when there has been a history of violence within the parents’ relationship, arrangements may need to be made for younger children to have supervised access only, and/or for access that does not involve contact between parents. Adolescents, however, are likely to make their own decisions and arrangements. Kate’s story illustrates just how difficult this can be for a parent, and how important it is for all concerned to understand the needs of the teenager at such times.

Hannah was confronted by a different situation, but one that can also be fraught with fear and misgivings — when her 14-year-old son wanted to find the father he had never known. Like Kate, she realised she had to put her son’s needs ahead of her own fear.

Kate’s story

Kate and Joe first met when she was on holiday overseas. At the time the differences between them were not nearly so obvious as they became several months later, when they were married and living back in Kate’s hometown. Kate had expected a more equal relationship, in which they both would have pursued their separate careers and shared the housework between them. In Joe’s family, men were expected to support their wives, while the wife’s job was to stay at home and do the cooking and housework. Inevitably, both felt resentful and disappointed in their relationship.

As time went by, there were lots of arguments, and Joe turned more to his male friends for support. He avoided the uncomfortable atmosphere at home by staying out late drinking with his mates. Increasingly, he arrived home late at night, drunk and abusive. By the time they separated, Kate had two children and both physical and mental scars as a result of their time together.

Joe had little experience of relating to young children and made only occasional contact after the separation. This state of affairs suited Kate just fine, as she found it much easier to get on with her life without Joe. Basically Kate took full responsibility for the upbringing and financial support of the children over the next ten years. These were not easy times, but Kate was a determined woman and managed to build a life for herself and her children.

When their son Nick turned 15, however, Joe began to show more interest. He arranged to meet with his son and introduced him to some of his mates. Kate was appalled to hear that Nick had also been introduced to alcohol by his father, and that he was intrigued by his father’s lifestyle. When she tried to tell Nick about the abuse to which she had been subjected, she was even more distressed to find Nick taking his father’s side: either it hadn’t really happened at all, or if it had, it must have been Kate’s fault.

Part of Kate was worried sick about her son, but at the same time she found herself disliking more and more the way his behaviour reminded her of Joe. When Nick decided to move in with his father, Kate felt that she had lost her son forever. There were many angry scenes and then, for a while, silence.

Fortunately, Kate was not a woman to give up easily. She did a lot of thinking, and managed to sort out in her mind several important facts. One of the most important was that Nick was not the same person as his father, no matter how much his recent behaviour might have reminded her of Joe. She made herself focus hard on the very real differences between them, and on her own undoubted influence on her son, through both his upbringing and her genes. To help her do this, Kate made a list of all the things she liked about her son.

Next, Kate acknowledged her son’s right to get to know his father, and to sort out his own opinion of him. She realised that this was an important part of Nick’s attempts to sort out his own identity — to answer the ‘Who am I and where do I come from?’ questions.

Finally, Kate recognised the importance to her of maintaining a relationship with her son, and of her desire to leave the door open for his return any time he might need help. Clearly the arguments and accusations that had been flying between them were not going to achieve either of these ends, and it was time to do something different.

Kate also realised that, as the adult, it was up to her to make the first move. She did this gradually, first by sending him a card and small gift for his birthday, and later by writing to him, being careful not to fall into criticism or blame. After several weeks, she arranged to meet with Nick and his sister for a cup of coffee.

It would be nice to report that they all lived happily ever after, but real life is rarely so obliging. Kate had difficulty with the fact that any criticism she made of Joe served as an immediate block to communication with her son. In time Nick would come to his own conclusions about his father, but he needed the opportunity to work this out for himself. As with many other children who have had little or no contact with a parent, Nick had developed unrealistic fantasies about his father. Such fantasies usually depict the missing parent as entirely good or entirely bad. In Nick’s case, his father was a hero who could do no wrong. It was going to take time and contact with the real person for Nick to form a more accurate picture that acknowledged both Joe’s strengths and his weaknesses. In the meantime, the door to maintaining a relationship with his mother had been opened, and it was once again possible for them to develop this relationship over time.

Hannah’s story

Hannah is a single parent who, after 14 years, needed to help her son find his father. Here’s how she tells it:

It’s not easy really to talk about this. Maybe it’s because of the shame and fear that I have been through. I’m not really that sure. Anyway, here’s my story and I hope it may help someone else if they’re facing the same situation.

I got pregnant when I was 17, an accident — you know, these things happen. If I had known then what I know now, I would have made different choices — lots of them. But I can’t go back and it’s no use churning this over and over in my head — it doesn’t help, nor does it change things. It only makes me feel worse.

My son’s now 25, but when he was 14 he wanted to meet his father. We’d had no contact since I got pregnant — it was a one-night stand. But at 14 Sam wanted to find his father, so I set about the process to find him. I must admit that I had fears, lots of them — that I had failed as a parent, and if I had been a better mum, then this would never have happened. But the real fear I had was for Sam. What would his father be like? Would he want to see him? Would Sam idealise him, and be disappointed when he saw him for the person he really was? I knew he had an idea of who he was, but was it accurate?

It wasn’t easy to find him, but I did. I contacted his parents and explained what Sam wanted. Luckily they were understanding. I think it’s a lot easier these days to do these sorts of things because it’s talked about. When I was young no one spoke about it — you daren’t! So his parents were the link. I think this made it much easier. Initially Sam’s dad was a bit freaked out. I had to remember to breathe deeply. I kept telling myself, ‘I’m doing this for Sam, not me.’

We met at McDonald’s — not the most beautiful place, but it was neutral. Sam and his dad talked for about two hours. Before the meeting I had asked Sam if he wanted me to stay. Initially there were three of us, then after I got the nod from Sam I left. Since their initial meeting, Sam and his dad have had limited contact. I must be honest — I was scared I would lose his love and he might end up wanting to live with his dad. That never happened.

In a strange way I have mixed feelings about all this. On the one hand I’m pleased that my fears weren’t realised, while on the other hand I’m happy that they still have contact, even though it’s not that often.

Teen Tip

‘You know, don’t fret and think ’cause you may be my main or only parent that this means I go through life like I only have one arm or leg. Trust yourself as a parent and trust me as your child. We’re doing our best!’

CHAPTER 15

Step-parenting
adolescents in the
real world

Blended families

Forming a stepfamily is an activity best suited to those who enjoy a good challenge. Add the extra elements of adolescence, and you’ve got a really potent mixture. So it’s wise to be well prepared if you are taking on this challenge.

On the positive side, stepfamilies open up the possibility of exciting new relationships and opportunities to learn more about life, love, and yourself. They can provide you with a purpose and a sense of satisfaction from achieving something really worthwhile. Some stepfamilies work well from the beginning, while many go through difficult stages before emerging having worked out a relatively comfortable way of living together.

The issues that you face as a stepfamily will vary to some extent according to your own particular circumstances. There are some factors over which you have little or no control. These include, for example, the age, gender, and personality of family members, as well as their previous personal histories and relationships. Factors such as how long you have been with your partner; whether you are married or ‘de facto’; and whether your relationship with them is heterosexual, gay, or lesbian can also have a major impact.

So let’s focus on the things that you can change, because these will help you to deal with the situation generally, as well as with your own particular issues. The most important things that you can do can be summed up in three simple sentences:

Be well-informed.

Have realistic expectations.

Don’t have short-term expectations.

Obviously things are likely to go better when expectations are realistic, and when all concerned are well prepared for the issues that are likely to arise. When your only knowledge of stepfamilies comes from television ‘sit coms’ and from myths of the ‘wicked stepmother’, your expectations and the reality you face are unlikely to match. The following guidelines will help you to prepare for the real world of stepfamilies and the challenges you may face.

Perspective

A stepfamily is not the same as a nuclear family. It’s not better or worse; it’s just different. If you try to act as if there are no other parents or family, you will be trying to force yourself and others into moulds that don’t fit.

Flexibility

The stepfamily needs to be sufficiently flexible to allow for the comings and goings of children between households and/or the involvement of other adults (for example, parents or grandparents). Children have a right to regular contact with other members of their family, and will do best when they are not forced to choose between the adults they love. Even more flexibility is needed with adolescents, because their growing allegiance to their friends often cuts across time with their family.

Unfinished business

Unfinished business relating to a separation and/or other parent can get in the way. Both adults and children can still be dealing with unresolved issues from the past that affect the way they feel about the stepfamily. Anger, guilt, anxiety, and grief are all common reactions to a separation and take time to deal with. For children, this can be complicated by love of both parents and confusion relating to divided loyalties. They may feel caught in the middle, wanting to be with both parents. They are likely to be asking silent — or not so silent — questions such as ‘Will my dad be upset if I get on well with my stepfather?’ or ‘Do I have to choose between loving my mum and loving my dad?’

Adolescents will be looking at their parents’ separation with new eyes and with the new understanding that comes with developing maturity and knowledge. This will happen regardless of how long ago their parents separated, and can lead to intense reactions not previously experienced. When feelings about the past can be brought out into the open, there’s a better chance of dealing with them. Accepting them as normal and discussing them with each other, or with someone you can trust, can go a long way towards dealing with them. If you or any family member gets stuck at this stage, seeking professional help from a counsellor who specialises in these issues can be useful.

Parents don’t stop being parents when they stop living together

Who is responsible for the parenting?

Ideally, where parents have separated, the main responsibility for parenting their children belongs to these parents. Parents don’t stop being parents when they stop living together. When the stepparent becomes the main care-giver and/or disciplinarian, resentment all round is the likely outcome. This is particularly likely with older children and adolescents. What step-parent hasn’t heard, for example, the common cry ‘I don’t have to do what you say — you’re not my real parent!’? Stepmothers can easily be caught in this trap, because women are often expected to take the major role in child care. Stepfathers may also be cast in the role of disciplinarian, risking resentment and ending up in conflict. All this is not to say that stepparents should be powerless in their own homes, only that they should not be burdened with the main responsibility for someone else’s child.

You don’t have to love your stepchildren

It is totally unrealistic to expect that all children and step-parents will get on well together. You don’t have to try ‘too hard’ to be their friend. Both adults and children should be able to expect, however, that they will be treated with respect. And your stepchildren should expect that you will treat them fairly and with consideration. This is likely to involve some flexibility and compromise on your part. Sometimes, with time and patience, even the most unpromising relationships can improve as you get to know and understand each other. At what stage the child actually becomes a ‘stepchild’ may ultimately determine the strength of the relationship.

Have patience

Don’t expect the relationship between child and step-parent to develop too quickly, especially with adolescents. Without rushing it, allow for some ‘one-to-one’ time together. With adolescents, everyday situations such as doing the dishes together can provide natural opportunities for this. Plan outings for just the two of you only when and if you both feel ready.

No substitute

The step-parent should not expect — or be expected — to replace a birth parent, whatever the circumstances. There will always be another parent, alive or dead, present or absent, in the child’s life. Adolescents and older children in particular will generally resist any efforts to replace this parent. The wise step-parent will honour this position, and will work towards developing their own individual relationship with the child. This relationship may or may not involve parenting responsibilities, but will not detract from the rights and responsibilities of the birth parents.

The stepparent should not expect — or be expected — to replace a birth parent, whatever the circumstances

Time alone together

With your child

Whenever possible, children need regular times alone with each of their birth parents. When a parent’s new partner is always present, adolescents and older children are especially likely to feel resentful. It is in everybody’s interests that the relationships between children and their birth parents are nurtured.

As a couple

Ensure that there is time for the adult couple to give priority to their relationship. Holding a step-parent family together can be hard work. You need adult time as a couple for discussion, fun, and generally to care for each other and your relationship.

Acknowledge your kids’ difficulties

Acknowledge the difficulties faced by the children. They may be having to adjust to a new home and a different place in the family, as well as the idea of a step-parent whom they have not had the power to choose. As with younger children, adolescents are likely to resent major changes in their roles, such as a shift from being an only child to one of several, or from being the oldest to another position in the combined family. Research suggests that it can take up to four years for a stepfamily to settle down and get to a stage where they are working together. This time is always one of major adjustment for all concerned.

Increased independence

Adolescents are at a stage where they are becoming less dependent on the family and are making other connections outside the home. When a relatively new stepfamily is being established at the same time, the pressure to be part of this will conflict with the pressure experienced by adolescents to be getting on with lives of their own. This can create resistance to forming new relationships in the family and confusion about where they belong. For some adolescents, it can hasten their departure from the family home. This may not necessarily be a problem; it is just the way it is. It is, however, important to keep the lines of communication open where possible.

And then there’s the issue of sex

For adolescents coping with their own developing sexuality, the sexual vibes between parent and step-parent can be difficult to handle. Children of any age are likely to find the sexual relationship of a parent and step-parent particularly difficult to handle when they are not used to their parent’s having a sexual partner, or when it is not long since their own parent left the marital bed.

Sexual attraction between adolescent and step-parent, or adolescent and step-sibling, is also not uncommon, and can cause confusion and fear for all concerned. This becomes more serious when there are no boundaries in place to prevent sexual abuse. Although the vast majority of step-parents do not abuse their partner’s children, it is wise to remember that sexual abuse by stepfathers is significantly higher than sexual abuse by biological fathers. Ensure that safeguards are in place to protect both children and step-parents. For example, you will need family rules relating to privacy in the bedroom, bathroom and toilet.

Good communication

Good communication within the family is essential. Often this does not occur easily or naturally in any family, let alone in stepfamilies, where people have developed different patterns of communicating over time. One good idea is to set up regular family meetings, which provide opportunities for all members of the household to get together to address issues that concern them. For guidelines on holding family meetings, and other ideas on improving communication, see Chapter 3. The Miller family’s story is an example of how family meetings can be used as part of a plan to address some fairly common step-parenting issues.

The Miller family’s story

When Lynne married Stuart Miller she was excited by the fact that she was marrying into a ready-made family. Stuart had custody of two children from his previous marriage, and Lynne looked forward to being the mother she thought they lacked. Stuart also looked forward to leaving the life of a single parent behind and putting more energy into his business.

The children, however, had different ideas. They resented Lynne’s presence in their home and the attention she got from their father; they were loyal to their own mother and were not about to accept a replacement. When Lynne tried to discipline them they told her in no uncertain terms that she was not their mother, and that they did not have to take any notice of her. They resisted her efforts to get close to them and, it seemed to Lynne, actively conspired to make her life a misery. Far from having the close relationship she had imagined, Lynne felt herself disliking the children and fighting with Stuart about how to manage their behaviour. Stuart, on the other hand, was puzzled by the problems Lynne was having with the children and wondered what she could be doing wrong.

The marriage was in tatters when Lynne and Stuart attended a workshop especially designed for stepfamilies. They were immensely relieved to find that their situation was not uncommon, and to meet others who understood what they were going through. Some of the things they learnt at the workshop seemed like major revelations. Lynne learnt, for example, that she did not have to love Stuart’s children, and could shed some of the burden of shame and guilt that she had been carrying around. She also came to understand that her good intentions about being a mother to the children had been misguided, and that it was not surprising that they had resented this. Stuart learnt that part of the resentment his children felt towards Lynne was based on his expectation that she would take over much of the parenting while he worked long hours. He realised that he was still the primary parent of his children and could not pass over all his responsibilities to Lynne, despite her initial willingness to take them on. He also realised that he needed to offer Lynne more support and, in particular, insist that his children treat her with respect.

Together Lynne and Stuart recognised the need to take better care of their relationship. They needed to acknowledge the difficulty of the task they had undertaken, and to discuss their problems in an atmosphere free of criticism and blame. They needed to have more fun together and to get back in touch with the things that had drawn them together when they first met. Somehow they had to get some child-free time together if their relationship was going to survive.

The Millers did not become a happy family overnight. After several family meetings, however, the children began to respond to the united front presented by Stuart and Lynne, and to the fact that Lynne was no longer trying to take the place of their mother. They got the chance to talk more about the separation of their parents, and how it had affected them. They felt better understood by Stuart and Lynne, and they also understood better some of the circumstances of their parents’ separation, which Stuart shared with them.

As Lynne stepped back from her attempts to forge a close relationship with the children, she allowed more space for them to move forward. There was now a good chance that they could develop a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding. Who knows, perhaps one day they might even get to like each other.

Teen Tip

‘For the new step-parent, don’t stick your nose in where it’s none of your business. You are best to be way behind the dead-ball line supporting Mum but where I can hear you. And be patient — I will get used to you being round but I don’t have to like you and be your friend — especially in the early days!’

THE LAST WORD

Eyes on
the prize

‘I can’t believe he actually made it to 21,’ laughs Debbie as we sit talking in her family’s kitchen. Across the table from her, Jack, now only three days away from his twenty-first birthday, smiles and looks down at his cup of coffee. He almost seems embarrassed.

When the family first came for counselling seven years ago, things were very different. At 14, Jack had already been in trouble with the police for burglary and possession of marijuana. He’d sat in the first session glaring at the floor as if he was daring it to say something, and just grunted. Debbie had been in tears for most of the session, and Brian, Jack’s dad, had just seemed hurt and confused. Brian and Debbie couldn’t understand what had happened to the bright and cheerful little boy whom they’d known just a few years before. ‘I don’t know what we’ve done,’ Brian said as he looked back and forth between his son and his wife. ‘He just seems to hate us.’

Several sessions down the track, what emerged with Jack was that he felt confused and out of control. He had fallen in with some guys who even he knew weren’t good for him. They were the ‘cool crowd’ in school, drawing him into a scene that had initially made him feel good about himself. As time went on, however, the rest of the group were getting into drugs and other kinds of trouble. Jack didn’t know how to get out. He felt he couldn’t talk to his parents about it because the discussion always turned into a lecture that deteriorated into a yelling match. On top of this, Jack was also unsure about what he wanted to do with his life and who he was.

The family went through some tough times between that first session and this conversation around the kitchen table seven years later. There was more trouble with the police — not really serious, but serious enough. There were a few tense school meetings as well. Jack continued to use drugs for quite a while. There were also many arguments, lectures, yelling matches, and harsh words. ‘I cried over this boy so many times back then,’ Debbie says as she looks across at Jack. She’s smiling, but behind the smile there is still a flicker of those darker moments.

The family gradually learnt better ways to talk with each other and, as a consequence, to understand each other better. Debbie and Brian learnt better ways to look after themselves as parents, and as the guilt and self-doubt dropped away, they were more able to support each other and Jack as well.

Now, the ghosts of those old hurts seem to sleep more peacefully. The family is even able to laugh about some of the more outrageous events of Jack’s teenage years, which is something that seemed unthinkable when they were in the middle of them. ‘Remember that time you climbed out the bedroom window and you put all those pillows in your bed to look like you were still there?’ asks Jack’s dad. Jack smiles; ‘Yeah, and I found out later that you came in the next morning and gave the pillows a big lecture about how they should do something with their life.’

When I ask them what advice they would give to other families, it’s Debbie who speaks up first. ‘I think what I’d tell parents is that when you’re in those moments when you could either laugh or cry — laugh more. That’s what I’d do differently; I think I’d try and enjoy the craziness more.’ They sit around the table for a while longer, like old soldiers telling war stories, laughing at all the things that at the time they were too busy surviving to find funny.

There are a few final words that we as authors want to say before we finish. As therapists and parents, we’ve been privileged to see families, both clients and some of our own, emerge from adolescence and continue to develop and grow. As a result, we have learnt a thing or two about what’s important, what’s really important, and what’s often forgotten.

First of all, it’s important to know that most families get through it in one piece. That may seem hard to believe sometimes, but it’s true nonetheless. Just like many other families, you may find that adolescence is a special time, as you watch your children develop into healthy adults ready to go out into the world and contribute in a meaningful way. Seeing them face challenges and emerge the stronger for it can be one of the most satisfying experiences you will have as a parent. They’ll surprise you, and challenge you, and you will grow just as much as they do.

Keep your eyes on the prize

Even for families where there are more serious problems, most get through. As the years progress, increasing maturity can open doors that had previously seemed to be nailed shut. Teenagers can’t help but learn — experience happens whether we want it to or not — and with increased experience there will come changes in perspective. Never give up hope; even when you have given up all hope, nothing is impossible. Believe in your kids and tell them that you believe in them and love them at every chance you get.

Keep your eyes on the prize

Remember that adolescence is a time when you build the kind of relationship that you will have with your child until the day you die. If you can make it through these years and still have a relationship, the odds are that you’ll have one for life. These years are the time when you build a new kind of relationship with your children, one based on respect for each other as individuals in the world. If you come out the other end without a good relationship, then it’s going to be difficult to repair old hurts. Listen to your kids at every opportunity you get. Remember, too, that none of us stop growing at age 20, and that you can learn lots from them. Both you and your children will continue to grow throughout your whole lives. You have to take one step for every step of your child’s; it’s the only way to stay together in the long run. Your children are your greatest teachers — about who you are as a person and about the life you live. Listen, look, cherish, respect and learn — they are a living testament to your future.

Keep your eyes on the prize

Take the time to enjoy your child’s teenage years. Enjoy the naivety and the idealism. Enjoy the courage and even the frustration of being young in an old world. Relish the opportunities to debate whether meat is murder, whether adults are all hypocrites, whether adults can or can’t dance with the stars, and whether education sucks. Take lots of photographs and videos, even of the things that drive you crazy, such as messy rooms and weird fashions. When you’re old and grey and full of sleep, and your kids are middle-aged, maybe with kids of their own, these things will be treasures beyond worth. You’ll look at these pictures of the room with the floor that didn’t see the light of day for years, and crazy as it sounds, you may just feel so rapt to have been there and survived it all. You may even find yourself wishing you could go back there again, just for a visit, just for one day, just to see them as they were, one last time.

Above all other things, keep your eyes on the prize.

Teen Tip

‘Adolescence is a time of growth, but be prepared to accept the road to maturity will not always be forward — your teen may backtrack! Adolescence is a maze of choices and self-evolvement. Your child is thrown into this whirlwind of self-conflicting decisions as an innocent child, and will hopefully emerge as an evolved young adult. Expect them to run on ahead at times and come to a few dead-ends; it is these that shape them and prepare them for the future. Do not be discouraged, no matter how far they travel down a less than savoury path; the return track never truly grows over, as long as it is kept in sight and maintained by you.’

References and
further information

Books and articles

Breunlin, DC, Schwartz, RC, & Kune-Karrer, B M (2001). Metaframeworks: Transcending the models of family therapy. San Francisco: Jossey–Bass.

Kirby, D (2001). ‘Understanding what works and what doesn’t in reducing adolescent sexual risk-taking’. Family Planning Perspectives, vol. 33, no. 6, 276–281.

Lightfoot, C (1997). The culture of adolescent risk-taking. New York: Guilford Press.

Pearce, Jeni (2004). Eat to compete for young athletes. Auckland: Reed.

Pryor, Jan. ‘Revisiting living arrangements: What research can tell us in 2005’. Wellington: McKenzie Centre for the Study of Families, Victoria University.

Rodgers, B, & Pryor, J (1998). Divorce and separation: The outcomes for children. York: Joseph Rowntree Foundation.

Treasure, Janet, Smith, Grainne, & Crane, Anna (2007). Skills-based learning for caring for a loved one with an eating disorder. London/New York: Routledge.

Walsh, David (2004). Why do they act that way? A survival guide to the adolescent brain for you and your teen. New York: Free Press.

Useful websites

www.b-eat.co.uk | The UK Eating Disorders Association
www.ed.org.nz | The Eating Disorders Association of NZ (EDANZ)
www.eden.org.nz | Eating Difficulties Education Network (EDEN)
www.kidsline.co.nz | Kidsline — children can phone 0800 KIDSLINE (0800 543 754) every weekday between 4 and 6pm to talk to a Kidsline buddy, a trained teenage telephone counsellor.

www.netsafe.org.nz | Netsafe — for internet safety advice and good practice.
www.nzdf.org.nz | The New Zealand Drug Foundation — all sorts of information about drugs.
www.parentline.org.nz | An organisation committed to intervention and prevention of family violence, child abuse and neglect.
www.rainbowyouth.org.nz | Rainbow Youth — supporting young gay people.
www.relate.org.nz | Relationship Services.
www.thelowdown.co.nz | Helping young Kiwis understand and deal with depression.
www.toughlove.org.nz | Tough Love.
www.wellink.org.nz/services /warmline.htm | Warmline is a peer support helpline for anyone who feels affected by mental illness; it’s available on 0800 200 207 from 7pm to am Tuesday to Sunday.
www.whatsup.co.nz | 0800WHATSUP is a free, professional telephone counselling service for anyone aged between 5 and 18 years.
www.youthline.co.nz | Providing youth development and support services.

Acknowledgements

We would like to firstly thank Kathy Macdonald, who pioneered an earlier version of the book on parenting teenagers — thanks, Kathy, and we wished you would have joined us on this journey. To Nigel Latta, who was also part of the earlier team, thanks.

To the ‘teens’ who reviewed the early version and told us what was ‘naff’, ‘crap’ and ‘archaic’ in oh, so polite words. Thanks, Hariett, Gabby, Debs and Airi — it’s been great to get your input and hear your voices. We have certainly listened and taken your feedback on board.

We wish to thank Nicola Davey, who was a second voice in the mental health aspects of this book, and Cushla Summers and Gloria Selkirk for their contributions to the chapter on education and careers.

We would also like to offer special thanks to our families, starting with our parents, who gave us our first lessons in bringing up children and kept sane during our own teenage years. We know that wasn’t easy with us two!

Ian: Thanks Nicola for sitting alongside and supporting me through yet ‘another thing’. To Matthew and Olivia, who help me remember that fun is doing those things you love, with the people you love. Every day you remind me of who I am and who I am not.

Les: Special thanks to Cushla for proofreading and the contribution of ideas to this book. I especially acknowledge my family: Cushla, my partner and best friend; Jason and Michelle, my son and daughter; Kahli, my stepdaughter; and their partners Cindy, Kim and Joachim. They encapsulate all that is good about family life. Last, but not least, I acknowledge five wonderful grandchildren: Grace, Mila, Eli, Ava and Rosa, who bring absolute love and joy into the family and provide a joyful reminder of the importance of parenting through each stage of the life cycle. Finally, thanks to Andrea Findsen for assisting with the technical aspects of word processing, which parenting failed to teach me.

Ian Lambie and Les Simmonds

Ian Lambie

Dr Ian Lambie is a registered clinical psychologist who works as a senior lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Auckland, specialising in adolescents, families and forensic psychology, as well as in private practice. Ian has 20 years’ experience working with teenage boys, children and adolescents with conduct problems and youth offenders. He sits on several government task forces and consults to the New Zealand Government on youth offenders. Ian was the recipient of the Public Interest Award and the Ann Ballin Award from the New Zealand Psychological Society for his work with youth offenders, and recently appeared on the highly popular television programme on violent youth offenders The Outsiders.

Les Simmonds

Les holds graduate qualifications in sociology, community/social work, management, and postgraduate qualifications in family therapy. He has worked with adolescents and their families for more than 20 years. His specialist areas include anger and aggression, alcohol and drugs, sexual abuse and sexual offending, and juvenile offending.

Les has published several books and articles and authored a newspaper column on relationships. He has also held a number of management positions, including CEO for a large social service organisation.

Les is currently working for Relationship Services Whakawhanaungatanga in the role of Clinical Leader Bay of Plenty/ Gisborne. Relationship Services Whakawhanaungatanga BoP is a leading provider of counselling services to adolescents and their families. As part of his role there, Les works with a team that supports the provision of family-focused services throughout New Zealand.

Copyright

A RANDOM HOUSE BOOK published by Random House New Zealand
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This is a revised, updated and rewritten version of Raising Teenagers: A Practical Guide for Parents, published in 1999.

First published 2010

© 2010 Ian Lambie and Les Simmonds

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ISBN 978 1 86979 250 3

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