What People Are Saying…

Finally, a book that teaches you how to consistently follow through on your goals. Constant positive action is the key to reaching your goals in this book shows you how to program yourself to do so without relying heavily on willpower. The techniques are easy and powerful and the lessons are profound. Put it on your must-read list!

Dr. Joe Vitale

Author of Attract Money Now

and popular star of the hit movie, The Secret.

The funny thing happened on my way to helping Tim Shurr edit this manuscript in its earlier stages: I began to listen to what he was saying. I started to do the things he asks the reader to do. And I have identified the self-limiting beliefs that were preventing me from having the kind of life I always wanted. As I worked through the manuscript edit, I continued doing all of the interactive exercises and discovered that Tim delivered on his promise to not only identify problems, but also provide the means to develop your own personal, workable solutions. What started out as a job became a transformational experience. Read this book and be transformed!

Harry J. Karabel

President, Words That Work, Inc.

Get Out Of Your Way is one of the best books I have ever read on how to get yourself to succeed in life. My only warning is that this book will take away all of your excuses. It is the blueprint of exactly what to do to get passed whatever is holding you back!

Justin Savich,

President, Life Success Group, LLC

Thanks Tim for the real experience you bring to the table. It makes this book vital and significant for all professionals. Get Out Of Your Way offers the gift of follow-through and a practical explanation of how achievement really works. It will give you quick and easy mastery of self to all who read it. If people study one book this year, it should be this one!

Scott McFall, Author of Mission Possible

This book not only describes the problems that keep people from achieving their goals, it provides the cure! Every businessperson who’s ever felt stuck or held back will greatly benefit from the strategies and principles in this book!

Michael R. Leep

Founder, Gurley-Leep Automotive Group

I’ve read many books on personal development and just when I thought I had heard it all, Tim comes out with Get Out Of Your Way. This book is great! It reveals step-by-step how to eliminate procrastination from your life and offers excellent strategies for motivating others as well. If you’ve ever wondered how to get other people to raise their standards, buy this book. It will show you how!

Al Turnbeaugh

President, Vision Media Strategies, LLC

Get Out Of Your Way!

How to Eliminate Self-Sabotage and Upgrade Your Mind To Be Happy & Successful!

Tim Shurr, MA

Revised 3rd Edition

Shurr ! Success Publishing
TimShurr.com
877-944-4673

Copyright © 2009, Shurr Success, Inc.

Revised 2nd Edition 2016
Revised 3rd Edition 2021

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form without written consent of the author.

Cover design by Debbie O’Byrne
Book Design by JetLaunch.net

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Shurr, Tim, 2009.
Get Out Of Your Way.

ISBN: 978-1-64184-615-8 (paperback)
ISBN: 978-1-64184-616-5 (ebook)

Disclaimer: This book is intended for self-help, personal development, and educational purposes. The publisher and author are not responsible for what you do with this information. As always, if you need professional mental health services, please contact your local providers.

Table of Contents

Dedication

Author’s Note

Introduction

Chapter 1: Had Enough BS?

Chapter 2: Design Your New Belief System

Chapter 3: The Key to Mental Toughness

Chapter 4: Perception Is Projection

Chapter 5: Comfort Zones

Chapter 6: Are You Talking Yourself Into Success or Failure?

Chapter 7: How To Silence Your Inner Critic

Chapter 8: Take Control Over Fear

Chapter 9: Breaking Bad Habits

Chapter 10: Being Perfect Is Not Necessary—Being Yourself Is

Chapter 11: Stop Self-Sabotage In Its Tracks

Chapter 12: Achieving Your Goals & Dreams

Chapter 13: Take Action Now!

Chapter 14: Attitude Is Everything

Chapter 15: Your Most Powerful All

Chapter 16: Secondary Benefits

Chapter 17: Anchoring Yourself to Success

Chapter 18: More Anchoring Tools

Chapter 19: Staying Focused Under Pressure

Chapter 20: Unstoppable Confidence

Chapter 21: How to Keep The Results You’ve Achieved!

Chapter 22: Transforming Your Past

Chapter 23: 6 Steps To a New You

Chapter 24: Taking Charge of Your Life

Chapter 25: Ongoing Success

Chapter 26: Never Run Out Of Motivation

Epilogue

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to you, the reader. It gives you solid, practical answers to questions few people have been able to answer for you. After reading this book, you will be stronger, both mentally and emotionally, and from this, my hope is that you will live a richer, more fulfilling life! If enough people can mature and act from a place of security and love, perhaps we can overcome the dis-ease of insecurity, fear, and greed that runs rampant in our society. Let’s make this world a better place for you, your grandchildren, and theirs!

As always, there are some special souls I would like to thank for making this book possible. First and foremost, I must thank my phenomenal wife, Stacey, for all her incredible patience, guidance, understanding, boldness, and strength as I personally struggled to learn the lessons in this book. To this day, she is still the most wonderful person I have ever met.

I want to thank my two sons, Maximus and Aiden, who have given me more love and laughter than any man deserves. I love you both dearly.

I must also thank Anthony Robbins. I’ve studied his work and interventions for 20 years! His programs were there for me when I was starving in a broken down 400 sq ft apartment and his lessons continue to inspire me to this day.

I’d also like to thank my editors, Tammy Bailey and Harry Karabell, for all their hard work and efforts. Through their skill, hard work, and dedication, they were able to keep my messages focused and easy to digest. Also Debbie O’Byrne for her beautiful cover design and Teri Kojetin for all her assistance in helping me release this 3rd edition.

Most importantly, I’d like to thank of all of my clients and students, who have applied the principles in this book and shared their stories of pain and triumph, so we could all benefit from their experiences and wisdom.

Author’s Note

You have incredible potential and an amazing brain, yet you may be lacking the shortcuts for maximizing your true abilities. More people know how their Smartphone operates than their own brain, which is why I wrote this book.

You can live an amazing life full of meaning, joy, and contribution. Or, you can needlessly torture yourself with fear and self-sabotage. I’ve done both and living with peace in your heart is a much better option than walking around waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

Many have the desire to better their lives yet don’t know how to overcome the obstacles that stand in their way. Perhaps you do know what’s needed but are afraid to take action. General Schwarzkopf once said, “We all know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.”

Or, maybe someone has given you the notion that you should be able to solve your problems or achieve your goals all on your own without any advice from others. If this is the case, please ignore that poor bit of advice.

If my car breaks down, I call a mechanic because he specializes in fixing cars. If you are having trouble reaching a goal, you call a success coach who specializes in helping people achieve goals. I couldn’t fix my broken down car even if I wanted to because I don’t have the specific knowledge or experience it takes.

We need each other for different things. You can’t build a house with just a hammer. You need more tools and I’ve got power tools in this book that will help you build your life in the way you’ve always wanted it to be.

Whatever it is you wish to improve, the insights and strategies within will empower you to create the breakthroughs you desire. Whether you wish to build stronger self-confidence, make more money, improve your relationships, transform your health, or overcome a difficult past, you now have a manual for using the power of your mind to create your life by design!

This third edition includes new links to bonus training materials that speed up results and get’s you to your results quicker. It’s been polished and updated and has even more insights for making your life a Shurr ! Success.

Take your time as you progress through the “brain-training” exercises and let me know what breakthroughs you’ve experienced through this book. Thanks for reading! I’ll meet you on the next page.

Introduction

Do you have a goal or dream you’re struggling to achieve? Ever wonder what’s holding you back or why you haven’t attained it yet? In almost every case, it’s a self-limiting belief. The unconscious ideas you’ve formed about yourself, others, your situation, or the world around you actually determine whether you will succeed or fail at turning your goals into a reality.

It may seem obvious then to identify and change beliefs if they are keeping you stuck. Yet beliefs are the last thing most seek to improve. Instead, we blame others or attempt to change our environment, and that’s why so many never find the breakthroughs they seek. If you don’t want to go without, look within!

Willpower lasts about two-minutes before fizzling away and then your emotional programming takes over. Logic and common sense have little to do with people’s behavior. Every time a diabetic grabs a soda or a smoker grabs a cigarette, they know logically it’s a bad idea, yet do so anyway.

When a soldier returns home from combat and suddenly feels intense panic or anger while standing in a department store, logically s/he recognizes the environment is safe. Yet emotionally s/he may struggle to control the fight-or-flight response that has been triggered.

Emotion can overrule common sense, yet you can use logic to program your emotional responses, and that is what this book will teach you.

I’ve spent twenty-seven years researching what happens in the human mind so we can all overcome our deep-seated insecurities and live a life of peace and prosperity. This life-long passion to help others overcome their fears and self-sabotages came from the desire to overcome my own. For me, the journey began in 1982 when I was twelve years old.

I remember sitting in my kitchen in Hobart, Indiana when the telephone rang. I answered it and said hello. The woman on the other end spoke urgently, “Honey, get your mom. There’s been an accident!” My dad was an electrician at a steel mill and while he was working on a large electrical panel, somebody turned it on. The panel exploded and severely burned both my dad and his partner Bill.

I didn’t see my dad again for several months. When I did see him, he looked like a mummy. Walking into a burn unit when you’re a kid is horrible enough, but then to see your dad like that was horrifying.

I won’t go into the gory details. We’ve all had bad things happen to us. The good news is my dad, and Bill, got through it. Even though my dad underwent several skin grafts, he was still the first guy to take off his shirt and go for a swim in the summertime. His scars were on the outside, yet mine were visibly hidden on the inside.

I stopped playing life to win and started playing not to lose. You know what happens when you play not to lose? You lose! I spent the first half of my life just waiting for the next bad thing to happen, and many times bad things did happen because whatever you look for hard enough, eventually you will find! These hurtful experiences reinforced my fearful beliefs and my coping strategies only seemed to make things worse. I was in a destructive cycle and had no idea how to get out of it.

It wasn’t until my senior year in high school that I had my first glimpse of hope. I took an introductory psychology class and discovered that you could change your life by improving the way you think. From that point on, I decided to go into the field of psychology so I could learn how to get my mind to prepare me rather than scare me. Yet, I soon realized that talk therapy was a slow process and learned that some people spent their whole lives in therapy and never got any better.

Then something wonderful and unexpected happened. I was sitting in a Psychological Interventions course during my sophomore year in college and a clinical hypnotherapist came in for a guest lecture. He explained that the mind was very powerful and you could use it to accomplish extraordinary results much faster than through talk therapy alone. He asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how quickly someone could go into a deep state of physical relaxation. I knew nothing about hypnosis and I thought it would be fun to cluck like a chicken, so I volunteered. Then, something incredible happened. I remember suddenly feeling so peaceful and at ease. I knew what was going on around me and I could hear some of the other students laughing, yet I did not care. In fact, it was at that precise moment that I realized the anxious knot I had always carried around in my stomach had disappeared! I felt nothing but peace.

The next day the knot in my stomach returned because I was good at doing “anxiety,” yet the feeling of peace and the realization that my mind could create such a feeling so quickly stayed with me. From that moment on, I began studying every type of psychological intervention I could get my hands on.

Many of the most effective strategies were not being taught at the colleges I attended, so I pursued them on my own. I immersed myself in programs on Hypnotherapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, EFT, EMDR, Healing Touch, and anything else that people were using to produce rapid, positive change.

I focused on learning how to help people with anxiety and post-traumatic stress make rapid, long-lasting changes and practiced on everyone who’d let me. Now, after twenty thousand coaching sessions with every kind of person from all walks of life, I’m here to share with you the best of what I’ve learned.

The information and mental re-conditioning exercises in the pages ahead will enable you to make breakthroughs in ways you’ve never experienced before. You’ll begin to recognize the beliefs, emotions, and habits that are sabotaging your progress, and overcome them. Your previously unattainable goals are now within reach!

The second goal of this book will be to provide you with profound strategies for conditioning yourself to follow through on your goals. Knowing what to do, and getting yourself to take action until the results are achieved, are two different things. If you don’t follow through and apply the knowledge you acquire, nothing in your life will improve. Yet, instead of struggling with willpower, we are going to “train your brain” for success and super-charge your ability to succeed.

When you attempt to change the circumstances of your life without upgrading your self-awareness and beliefs, the results become near impossible to sustain. Take bariatric weight loss surgeries for example. Some studies suggest that seven out of ten people who participate in this extreme weight loss surgery regain all their weight back within one year!

How can that be possible? Because these good-hearted souls never resolved the emotional and/or psychological issues that caused the obesity to begin with. Thus, their brain caused them to start craving sugar at the first moment they needed comfort or connection. Emotion trumps logic almost every time!

Once you understand how to condition your mind using your emotions, any goal can be achieved. Whether you wish to build confidence, lose weight, overcome bad habits, increase financial wealth, or improve your relationships, all can be accomplished through developing emotional mastery.

This book will do much more than fill your head with fancy quotes and positive thinking. You are going to be mentally and emotionally conditioned to think, feel, and behave in a more empowered way. Willpower does not last. Developed, reinforced positive habits do. The goal is for you to experience an internal shift in the way you process the world around you.

Sometimes people fear this emotional transformation or mental reconditioning is going to take a long time and require a huge amount of effort, struggle, or pain to accomplish. Yet, I’ve found the opposite to be true. My clients are able to make breakthroughs lighting fast and they actually enjoy the process! This is my hope for you as well.

It doesn’t take any more time, effort, or energy to succeed than to fail. It’s just a matter of how you utilize and direct your energy. In fact, as you assimilate the information in this book, you’ll actually spend less time, effort, and energy while getting more of what you want from life.

I few year’s back, I taught a weekend long Design Your Destiny course in which a fifty-three-year-old woman named Wendy attended. She had suffered from claustrophobia since the age of eight. During the weekend, Wendy began to look at herself and her capabilities in a more empowered way. At the conclusion of the seminar, she pulled me aside and pointed toward an elevator. “I want to go in there,” she said. I knew this was one of her big goals and the moment of truth had arrived.

I decided to accompany Wendy into the elevator while gently reminding her of what to do once inside. As soon as the doors closed, Wendy grabbed my arm and started breathing heavy. Immediately, I instructed her to use the tools we had practiced. As she did so, her anxiety quickly decreased and she became more in control. By the time we climbed the ten stories and descended back down, Wendy’s anxiety transformed into excitement.

What happened next was even more amazing. Wendy’s family had seen us walk into the elevator, and without our knowing this, they had gathered at the door waiting for us. When the elevator doors finally opened, Wendy emerged with her arms over her head in victory! Her family cheered and a flood of tears and hugging ensued! It still chokes me up today.

Wendy had struggled with claustrophobia for forty-five years and it severely held her back. Imagine the amount of time and energy that was unwittingly wasted. Yet, her newfound confidence sparked a wave of transformations, including her ability to board a plane and visit her son half way across the country.

I tell you this story because what Wendy was able to accomplish, you are able to as well. Regardless of your particular challenges, you can rise above them and excel!

There are numerous examples in this book of how people have overcome lifelong mental blocks and triumphed over obstacles they once thought were insurmountable. You’re going to receive the same tools and mind conditioning exercises my clients used to better their lives, so you can better yours too. You will begin transforming, not by the end of this book, but immediately, within the first few pages.

Instead of racing through the book, read a chapter and digest the information and exercises. This book isn’t designed to be a “quick read.” If you would like to repeat a chapter before continuing on, do so. Keep a notebook and pen handy to help you with the exercises and to capture insights and takeaways that occur throughout your journey.

In order to maximize our time together, and by that I mean, if you want to reach your goals as fast as possible, follow three simple rules:

Have fun. People learn faster when they are enjoying themselves.

Keep an open mind. These tools and insights have benefitted thousands of people, and as goofy as some may seem, they do produce extraordinary results!

Follow the specific instructions and play full out. The more you put into this, the more you’ll get out of it!

Warning: A few of these transformation exercises may make you feel silly or uncomfortable. This is done on purpose! Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable. It’s only outside your comfort zone that you will find your largest breakthroughs! You can’t play it safe and grow at the same time, so be courageous!

Do the exercises half-heartedly and you will get mediocre results. Follow through and trust that each “test” you pass is setting you up to succeed in the future, and your results will be stellar!

If you’re ready for a brand new approach with powerful tools that will get you believing in yourself, following through on actions that lead to getting what you want, and developing successful habits that continue to attract joy and prosperity into your life, keep reading!

It’s time for you to experience the pleasure, freedom, and security of feeling empowered. So let’s begin! Sit up straight with great energy. Put your shoulders back, lift your chin up, and take three deep breaths. Get your mind ready to learn and let’s make your life a Shurr ! Success.

Tim Shurr, MA

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Chapter 1
Had Enough BS?

(BS = Belief System)

You have a dream or goal. To achieve it, the first mental shift you must make is to decide you will succeed in reaching your goal. It is in that decisive moment that you actually become more of a success! Self-belief is the only element that separates those who win from those who don’t. The ones who believe they will succeed do.

Your beliefs, whether positive or negative, whether optimistic or pessimistic, determine the kind of life you will experience. That’s why it’s so important to address the beliefs you currently have. If you don’t change the beliefs that hold you back, all the positive thinking in the world won’t do you any good.

So what is a belief? Is it an opinion or a fact? A belief is an opinion that you perceive with certainty is true. If you hear an opinion often enough, even if you don’t believe it at first, eventually you’ll begin to buy into it.

For example, if your father ever said out of anger that you would never amount to anything, you probably wouldn’t believe him. Even though it may hurt your feelings, you’d recognize that he was just mad. However, if he made this comment regularly, you’d soon begin to wonder if this were true.

By the time you are eighteen years old, you’ve heard approximately 180,000 negative remarks directed toward you, which translates into approximately 25,000 hours of negativity pumped into your brain during the most influential time of your development. Researchers suggest that 80 percent of this negative programming occurs by the time you are eight years old.

Most people have had so much negativity droned into their brain that they continue to run on it throughout their lives. Many of my clients have said, “It’s like I have this CD playing over and over in my head telling me how worthless and pathetic I am.” Even if you weren’t the one who put all those negative thoughts into your brain as a child, which you probably weren’t, you are the one who continues to support them as an adult!

After time, a belief such as “I’ll never amount to anything” becomes established at an unconscious level, and people who have that belief live up to the expectation.

If a comment is made under a heightened emotional state, it can often take only hearing something once for it to stick. I’ve used hypnotism to help hundreds of people uncover self-limiting beliefs that were based on comments made to them during childhood. Often clients would be shocked to realize that many of their problems resulted from remarks made by an authority figure (parent, teacher) while growing up.

As a child you didn’t have the mental capacity to understand all the circumstances revolving around what another may have said to you. If your dad was having a horrible day and said, “You’re the reason for all my money problems to begin with!” you didn’t have the mental maturity to think, “Actually, my father is responsible for his own issues with money.

I’m sure he’s just having a bad day and he’s blowing off steam. I know he loves me and will probably feel bad about his behavior toward me later. I’m going to go play now.”

Instead you suddenly feel as though your being born is somehow a burden on the family, which creates what is known as a crime of existence, which, sadly, many people struggle with.

As an adult, however, you are able to get a whole new perspective on the situation, especially if you are now a parent who’s had a bad day and your kid is screaming at the top of his lungs. Making a comment like this to a child is still stupid, immature, and unacceptable. Yet, it does help you realize it was never about the child (you) to begin with. Sometimes people just say things they don’t really mean.

Having this realization and forgiving others for being human can often be enough to set you free from the mental prison you placed yourself in because of the “crime.” Once you realize you were falsely accused, you can give yourself a new trial and clear your name.

Ray had always felt disconnected with his father. When asked about it, he said, “My dad was just never around. He was always working.” Under hypnosis, Ray uncovered a belief deep inside that “My father isn’t around because he doesn’t like me.” This unconscious belief had tainted Ray’s relationship with his father throughout his life. Even when Ray’s father attempted to get closer to him, Ray admittedly withdrew. “It just doesn’t seem genuine,” Ray would say.

I had Ray view the situation with his father as an adult, instead of as a child. Suddenly Ray began to see the situation differently. “We had some rough times growing up, and my father put in a lot of hours so we could have a good life. He didn’t seem to like his work, which kind of made me feel worse, because I thought he was picking his job over me and he didn’t even like his job.”

Ray’s voice began to soften. “I’m a dad now, and sometimes my job requires that I travel. I hate leaving my son, but I do it so that my family can enjoy the finer things in life. My son doesn’t always understand that though, and I wonder what he thinks when I leave.”

After that session, Ray began to look at his relationship with his father differently. He even went to see his dad to have a heart-to-heart. Ray said, “I sat down with my dad and told him how I was worried about leaving my son so much because of my job. My father got the saddest look on his face and told me that he hated leaving me when I was a boy.”

With tears in his eyes, Ray revealed how his father had said, “Son, the thing I regret most is not having spent more quality time with you. I thought that by making enough money to buy you lots of gifts, you would realize how much I loved you. I’ve always felt like it did the opposite though. My only advice is that you don’t make the same mistake with your son that I did with mine.”

I spoke with Ray a few weeks later and he stated that his father and he were making up for lost time. In fact, Ray said he cut back on his traveling so the three of them (Ray, his son, and his father) could go on some fishing trips together. If Ray hadn’t uncovered and updated that self-limiting belief about his father, I shudder to think of all the memories and fun they would have missed out on.

Many people buy into information that ends up being false, and it has cost them dearly. At one time, spiritual leaders thought that when a mentally ill person sneezed demons were escaping, which is one reason why people now say, “God bless you.” (You don’t want to know what else they did to exercise the remaining demons.) The Salem witch trials, the Holocaust, Enron, 9/11, history is full of cases where people believed in something that was false, and many have suffered horribly for it.

The main reason people don’t think more positively is because of the negative core beliefs they have about themselves. These deep-seated beliefs are often rooted in self-rejection and unworthiness. These harmful beliefs create strong feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger that are often repressed at an unconscious level. But the effects of this leak out into every area of your life.

Perhaps the same is true of your self-limiting beliefs. They may seem true, and you may even have a few examples that support your case. But alas, this is only because you have bought into and reinforced these ideas at an unconscious level.

For that reason, many of the exercises in this book are directed toward updating your beliefs so that they are positive, loving, and self-supportive. Unless you can fundamentally feel worthy and loving toward yourself and others, things will continue to go awry, and you will remain unable to achieve your dreams and goals. Your beliefs carry that much power.

Many of my weight loss clients don’t really believe that they are actually going to lose weight when I meet them. They’ve failed so many times at dieting that they are now programmed to fail. Psychologists call it learned helplessness. One of my mentors, Scott McFall, refers to it as the habit of failure.

Some people are so determined to remain stuck that no amount of coaching will help. These people actually defend the behaviors that make them miserable. They cling to their self-limiting ideas because that’s what they know. Even though they are experiencing pain, at least it’s familiar.

They know what to expect and, for them, it’s better than not knowing, because they fear the pain could become worse. This is rarely the case, and protecting yourself from potential pain by creating real pain is just foolish!

To review, a belief is an opinion you perceive with certainty is true. Allowing outdated ideas from childhood or immature remarks from others to dictate your life is no longer an option. Even if you were pumped full of self-limiting opinions from those around you as a child, the responsibility to yank out those weeds is yours.

Kids don’t have any power over what happens to them, but adults do. If these childish ideas are holding you back in any way, it’s time to delete them.

“A belief is an opinion you feel certain is true.”

Therefore, it’s time to review some of the beliefs you currently have about yourself and others. If any of your beliefs are not empowering and moving you forward in life, they are about to be terminated.

“We have no say over the hand dealt us in life, but we do have a lot of control over how this hand is played.”
Roberta Andersen

Enter the Unexpected Hero: Doubt

To eliminate an unwanted belief, you must weaken your certainty by instilling doubt. Think of a belief as a round table with many supporting legs underneath. Every time you knock a leg out from beneath the table, it becomes unstable.

Eventually, with enough supporting legs removed, the table will collapse. Thus, the more doubt you create about the validity of the beliefs that keep you from achieving your goals, the quicker those false beliefs will dissolve.

“If you remove enough supporting factors from under a self-limiting belief, eventually that false belief will fall.”

Transformation Exercise:

Identify Your Self-Limiting Beliefs

The following written exercise is designed to help you to uncover self-limiting beliefs so that you can replace them with empowering ones. Read the instructions below and then take your time answering.

The goal isn’t to finish quickly but rather to clarify your thinking. Putting your thoughts to paper now will later allow you to look back on how you were thinking in your past, which will reveal why your present is the way it is.

With that said, let’s get started.

In your notebook . . .

Identify then write down five self-limiting beliefs that are currently holding you back from enjoying the life you desire.

These five may be opinions you have about yourself, your situation, or others, that you know are keeping you stuck in anger, fear, or despair. Do this now. Your notebook page might look something like this:

My Self-Limiting Beliefs

The following are common self-limiting beliefs: “I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy. I can’t do it. I don’t know how. It will never work. I’m not worthy. I’ll fail. I’ll get rejected.” Did you write down any of that B.S. (belief system)? In the page ahead are exercises to correct your self-limiting beliefs. Here’s the first.

In your notebook . . .

Add the words “according to whom?” behind each of your self-limiting beliefs. Do this right now! “I’m not good enough according to whom?”

Good. Now those old belief “tables” are wobbling. This next exercise will give you the tools to further weaken and collapse them.

Transformation Exercise:

Transform Your Beliefs with 6 Power Questions

Use these six power questions to knock out the remaining supporting legs of your self-limiting beliefs.

In your notebook . . .

Write down your first self-limiting belief.

Now, beneath that self-limiting belief, answer each of these questions:

Is this thought (opinion) absolutely true? Ask yourself, “Is this self-limiting belief a fact or an opinion?” If you answered YES, proceed to the next question. If you answered NO, then you can discard this false idea you used to believe about yourself.

Has there ever been a time when this thought wasn’t true? If so, could this thought really be factual?

If this thought were false, how would your life be different or better?

What would you rather believe instead? (What is the opposite of this old belief?)

Is this new belief as true as, or more true than, the original belief?

How will your life be better now by supporting this new belief?

Run all five of your self-limiting beliefs through your 6 Power Questions. Take the time to do this now. Your beliefs are everything! Use this opportunity to make your beliefs beautiful!

Good. Now that you have answered these six questions for each of your self-limiting beliefs, let’s go through your answers to question number one.

Is this thought (opinion) absolutely true? For each of your answers to this question, you asked yourself, “is this self-limiting belief a fact or an opinion?”

Each is an opinion, right? Many beliefs that people embrace with complete certainty turn out to be totally bogus. The most scholarly people of centuries past were convinced the sun and all the planets revolved around the Earth.

Those in the days of Christopher Columbus believed that the world was flat and you could sail right off the edge. One hundred years ago, the church considered it sacrilegious to believe that people could fly. “If man were meant to fly, God would have given them wings.” Nowadays even the Pope gets on a jet when he travels.

Let’s look at beliefs another way. What one person considers a failure, someone else may consider a success. One of my smoking clients dropped from eighty cigarettes a day down to one in our first session. He came in the next day feeling like a complete failure because he smoked that one cigarette.

Would you consider this person, who dropped seventy-nine cigarettes on his first try, a failure? I sure wouldn’t! Do you think this person felt more motivated to reach his ultimate goal (of becoming a nonsmoker) at the same time he’s telling himself he failed?

No, it made him want to give up, which is crazy, if you think about it. That’s why you need to get rid of these silly little opinions that are holding you back. Whether your self-limiting beliefs are opinions or facts, they need to be eliminated, because they are hazardous to your health, wealth, and peace of mind!

You’ll find answers to the remaining five questions as you continue through this book. These 6 Power Questions are very effective tools for challenging unwanted beliefs and instilling doubt in them.

A belief is an opinion you perceive with certainty is true. When you introduce doubt, you lose the certainty, and the belief becomes just an opinion. If millions of people—the-world-is-flat crowd, for example—believed in something that was pure fiction, is it possible that you have supported some self-limiting beliefs that are equally false?

If so, doesn’t it seem silly to keep supporting them? Following is another way to weaken those self-limiting beliefs.

“A Duck, a Snail, and a Moose Walked into a Bar . . .”

When helping people to challenge old beliefs, I’ve found that you must first get yourself into a resourceful state, and the fastest way of doing that is through humor.

Therefore, I’d like you to look at your list of five self-limiting beliefs and read each one out loud. However, after each belief loudly declare, “What a bunch of BS!” ☺ For example, “I can’t do it. What a bunch of BS!” “I’m not worthy. What a bunch of BS!” Do this for each belief now! Go on. Do it now!

Great! Now repeat the following out loud: “All those things are BS, and I’m not putting up with it anymore! I’m better than that, and every day, in every way, I am getting better and better, from now on!” By now you should realize this is true.

You may be giggling a bit from this exercise. It’s kind of silly. But laughter counteracts feelings of fear and self-doubt. Just having the guts to stand up to your deepest, darkest thoughts is empowering! When someone finally admits out loud, “I feel like a failure,” it can be the first step towards erasing that belief.

“Great, you feel like a failure. I’ve felt that way to. Yet, there is no failure, only feedback. So what are you going to do about it?” Use that question to begin building a new belief about yourself!

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Chapter 2
Design Your New Belief System

The following exercise will help you to further define who you want to be, instead of dwelling on who you think you are. For this to work well, you’re going to have to temporarily suspend any fearful or pessimistic thinking long enough to answer the following questions. Take the time to answer these questions in detail for yourself. You may find it helpful to write your answers down.

Transformation Exercise:

5 New Empowering Beliefs

What do you want to believe about yourself? What would you have to believe about yourself in order to create the life of your dreams? Now is the time to turn off your analytical brain and turn on the dreamer inside you.

What do you want your life to look like, sound like, and feel like? Forget about what is possible or practical. If you had a magic wand and you could have whatever you wanted, what would it be? What would you wish for?

How do you want to feel about yourself? What could you accomplish if there was no fear or if you absolutely could not fail?

If things would work out for you from now on, and you could have whatever you wanted, what would a day in your new life be like?

If you were to truly believe in yourself and your own worthiness right now, what immediate changes would you begin to make in your life? What is the first step you would take?

In your notebook . . .

Determine Five New Beliefs that you would have to believe about yourself to be able to attain and experience all the things you just imagined. Take a few minutes to write down your new, empowering beliefs.

It’s not necessary that you believe these ideas yet. Just write them down for now, and we’ll cement these ideas as the book progresses. Your notebook page might look something like this:

“I AM_____________________________!”

“I AM_____________________________!”

“I AM_____________________________!”

“I AM_____________________________!”

“I AM_____________________________!”

Transformation Exercise:

Reinforce Your New Beliefs

Now that you are becoming clearer and more specific as to the direction in which you’d like to take your life, the next step is to unconsciously reinforce the new beliefs that will take you there.

The following exercise will reinforce and strengthen your new beliefs at an unconscious level. Take your time and play out this exercise in your imagination with as much detail as possible.

Imagine a chalkboard in your mind. This chalkboard is special because it’s connected to your unconscious, where self-limiting beliefs that hold you back are stored. As you sit quietly with your thoughts for a moment, imagine that a self-limiting belief that’s been holding you back begins to surface from your unconscious.

Allow it to appear on the chalkboard of your mind now. In your notebook, write down the thought that came to mind or appeared on your chalkboard.

“I_____________________________.”

Now ask yourself: “Is this idea helping or hurting me? Is it helping me to grow or keeping me stuck? Do I still want to continue supporting such an idea?” If the answer is no, then imagine marching up to that chalkboard with great confidence. Grab the largest eraser you can find and begin wiping that belief from the chalkboard. As you eliminate it from the board, it also gets eliminated from your belief system! If the words resist, get creative and resourceful.

Sometimes these words will try to scare you into continuing to support them. They want to keep you afraid, because they know if you realize that you’re the one with the true power, they’re done for! But the game is up. You do realize that you have the power now.

Step up to that chalkboard with a flamethrower and torch that baby! Melt those BS words right off the board! Watch those old fears fade out into a puff of smoke. Have you ever thrown a piece of paper into a bonfire? It lights up quickly, folds in on itself, turns into a piece of ash, and then floats away on a breeze. Imagine the same thing happening to that old self-limiting belief. Do this now.

Great! Before we move on, go back to that self-limiting belief you wrote down a moment ago and scratch it out with your pen. Then write “BS” on top of it. Going through this exercise mentally is one thing. Actually acting it out empowers you at a whole new level. Do this now.

Excellent! Now that the old belief and all the emotion and negative energy tied to it have been neutralized and let go of, take a deep breath in and feel that sense of relief deep down inside. No longer do you have to carry around that old baggage. It’s behind you now, and your abundant future is waiting!

Next imagine a new chalkboard in your mind. However, this one is made of stone. I want you to imagine using a laser beam to etch in the new empowering belief that you are now going to support instead. If you don’t like the laser beam idea, imagine bolts of lightning coming down from the sky (or from God).

Use whatever makes you feel more comfortable. The point is to make this new belief feel strong and permanent from the start. You haven’t been practicing believing in this belief as long as you have the old one, so you need to be just as dramatic in making this one stick.

“What would you now like to believe about yourself instead?” In your notebook, write down your new empowering belief.

“I_____________________________!”

Once you’ve etched this new belief into the stone, begin etching into stone the other five empowering beliefs that you wrote down earlier. Cement these empowering beliefs into your mind and body. As you do so, imagine your mind absorbing these new beliefs and immediately acting upon them.

Your powerful brain knows exactly how to create reality based on the information you give it. Now that you are supplying your mind with new information, it will do what it’s designed to do. It will begin creating your new reality based on the new beliefs you’ve designed. This is how you begin to create your life by design. Now let’s continue strengthening your mental toughness.

“Your powerful, unconscious mind creates your reality based on what you focus on most of the time.”

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Chapter 3
The Key to Mental Toughness

In this chapter, I’m going to help you to create new mental associations so that empowering beliefs are strengthened and self-limiting beliefs are continually weakened and destroyed.

I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that I focus a lot on helping you to uncover and eliminate limiting beliefs. This is because they are almost always at the root of goal-attainment problems.

We’ll proceed in three steps. First you’ll get a crash course in how the mind functions. Second, we’ll eliminate any lingering self-limiting beliefs still holding you back. Third, we’ll replace those outdated ideas with beliefs that empower you to actually attain your goals.

How the Mind Functions

Imagine there are two parts of your mind with separate roles and functions that work together to create your reality. These parts have been labeled the conscious and unconscious minds.

The conscious mind is the part of you that takes information in from your five senses. Then it suggests to you how that information should be interpreted based on past experiences and the beliefs you have developed.

The conscious is the logical, decision-making part of the brain that you are using right now as you read these sentences. As your eyes scan over these words, your analytical conscious mind says, “This makes sense. That doesn’t. I agree with Tim here. I don’t agree with him on that.” It decides what’s good and bad, right and wrong.

Your conscious mind is also in control of willpower. For most, willpower lasts about two to three minutes, and then your habits take over. Habits, or conditioned responses that have been created over time, are the domain of the unconscious.

The unconscious mind is the part of you that regulates autonomic bodily functions, which means it keeps your heart beating, your lungs breathing, and your blood circulating. We give it the name unconscious because most of its functioning happens out of your awareness. Imagine consciously having to keep track of everything your body does to stay alive. You wouldn’t last five minutes!

Your autonomic bodily functions are not the only things your unconscious runs automatically. Most of the thoughts, feelings, and actions you experience are also on autopilot.

You may think you’re actively (consciously) responding to what’s happening in your environment, yet most of the time you’re actually just responding to old beliefs and habits from the past (unconsciously). If you notice, most people handle situations in the same way they always have.

When tragedy occurs, some people will cry, some will get angry, and some will reach out to help. When a controversy arises, those same exact people will cry, get angry, or reach out to help.

If you are in a relationship, you’ve probably had the same argument about a given topic a hundred times. You and your spouse sound like broken records, playing the same old tune and making the same redundant comments that ticked each other off just like the first time you had the argument.

That’s because couples don’t usually respond to what’s happening in the moment (consciously). Instead, they respond to how the current event triggers their feelings and memories from the past (unconsciously).

“80% of your current actions and responses to life are based on programming from the past. Your unconscious keeps running the same patterns unless new information is introduced and reinforced.”

The good news: You can condition your unconscious mind to respond automatically in positive, proactive ways. This is what I refer to as “training your brain” for success.

Your Mental Genie

Think of your unconscious as a genie that lives in the back of your mind. Its sole purpose is to co-create your reality with the help of God, or whatever you believe in.

How does your genie know what kind of reality to manifest? It listens to what you regularly say to yourself; it watches the “movies,” images, and memories you keep alive in the theatre of your imagination; and it pays attention to what you focus on most.

This powerful genie is constantly eavesdropping on the conversations you have with yourself. Whatever it hears you say the most, it assumes that’s what you want. When you focus on something long enough, poof!

Your wish is granted. The thoughts you hold in the privacy of your own mind, if held long enough and backed by emotion, will eventually show up in your life.

“The conscious mind controls willpower. Habits are the domain of the unconscious mind.”

Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? It’s just a granted wish. Self-fulfilling prophecies occur when you tell yourself something is going to happen and then you unconsciously take action toward its fruition.

People unwittingly talk themselves into experiencing what they don’t want simply because those are the thoughts and feelings they concentrate on! Then the bad situation does occur, and you say to yourself, “See, I told you this would happen,” not realizing that you were responsible for creating it.

So, why are you not achieving your goals? Because you’re unconsciously getting in your own way! Many of you may have heard of the Law of Attraction. It states that what you think about most, and feel with emotion, you draw into your life. So what are you thinking about most? What are you focused on?

People engage in useful and unuseful self-fulfilling prophecies all the time. Once you understand how self-fulfilling prophecies actually work, you can use them in a positive way to your advantage!

This is one reason why the rich get richer—they know how to use the power of their unconscious mind. The poor get poorer because they don’t understand this power, and thus continue to sabotage themselves.

Your genie doesn’t really think about what’s good or bad for you in the long run. That’s the function of your conscious. Your genie (unconscious mind) just follows orders. That’s why it’s crucial that you focus on what you want, and fill your mind with thoughts that center around the outcomes you desire!

Einstein once remarked that when willpower is butted against imagination, imagination always prevails. Because your unconscious mind is so powerful, it will move you into action even if it’s not in your best interests. This is why someone with Stage Four lung cancer will reach for a cigarette. Logically, it’s suicide. Yet, emotionally that cigarette represents security, comfort, and control. Thus, your inner genie overrules logic and gets you to light up!

Transformation Exercise:

Getting Mentally Organized

Even when you’re convinced that you’ve healed all your emotional or psychological wounds, sooner or later when you come across a block or an obstacle, you’ll discover a self-limiting belief attached to it. Many of these beliefs can quickly and easily be transformed by the exercises you are going to learn now.

Imagine that your unconscious mind is like a large filing system. It has folders within this system that store “good” feelings, “bad” feelings, “positive” memories, and “negative” memories. There are also folders for things that you think are “True” and things that you think are “False.”

Our goal is to take the self-limiting beliefs or fears that you currently have stored in the True (believe in) folder and move them into the False (no longer believe in) folder. Then you will take the ideas that you really do want to believe in and trust with a feeling of certainty and place them into the True folder.

Before we begin this extraordinary exercise, we need to decipher whether you are more visual (see pictures in your mind’s eye), auditory (hear sounds or voices in your head), or kinesthetic (get feelings in specific locations in your body).

Think of something that you know with absolute certainty is false. It could be “the moon is made of cheese.” How do you know that this statement is false? Do you see a picture of it in your mind that seems blurred or hazy? Do you hear a voice in your head that says, “I don’t think so”? Or do you get an uneasy feeling in a particular part of your body (e.g., stomach) that signals this is false? Take a few minutes to pay attention to your inner world and discover now how you know something is false.

When asking a client how he imagined something being false, whether he pictured it, heard it, or felt it, he said, “It’s just illogical.” This person didn’t realize that when something seemed false to him, he’d comment on it in his mind by making the statement “It’s just illogical” using a matter-of-fact tone. This is an auditory response, and for him the tone of voice he used confirmed the emotion he felt.

If you are feeling a bit confused right now, that’s okay. I am helping you to make an unconscious process conscious. Just go back and reread this information until it suddenly clicks. Eventually it will, and when it does, you’ll be blown away by the immense potential of this exercise!

I asked another client to provide me with something that she knew was false. As I watched her eyes, she glanced up and over to her right. Then she said, “I have two dogs.” Then I asked, “Now tell me something that is true.” She glanced over to her left and said, “I have one dog.” I replied, “When you think of having two dogs, how do you know this?” She said, “I see a small black and white picture in my mind of my dog and an empty space next to him.” I replied, “And when you think of the true statement, how do you imagine it?” She said, “I see a big colorful picture of my dog,” as she glanced again to her left.

This brief conversation provided many insights as to how this woman stored and processed information. I now knew that her “False” folder was located to her right and when she imagined something false, she turned it into a small black and white picture. I also knew that when she believed something was true, she imagined a large color photo located to her left.

Why is this information so incredibly useful? Because now I knew how to help her strengthen or weaken any idea, feeling, or belief simply by turning it into a picture and 1) placing it on her left or right side, 2) making it small or large, and 3) turning it black and white or color. This person felt she was unworthy of making more money. Her belief was that because she didn’t have a college education, she didn’t deserve to make as much as the people who had the degrees. This limiting belief created massive tension in her because it was incongruent with her reality. Although she did not have the degrees, she worked harder and brought in more new clients than anyone else in her office.

We took the belief that she was “unworthy,” which happened to be stored as a color picture on her left side, and moved it over to her right. Then I had her make the picture black and white. I asked how she felt about the unworthy belief now and she said, “Give me a minute.”

Her eyes squinted as she looked to her right, and then all at once her whole demeanor changed. She took a deep breath in, and her shoulders softened. Then she looked over and said, “Sorry about that. I started feeling better, but not all the way, so I made the picture smaller and all of a sudden I felt this incredible sense of freedom.”

I smiled and said, “Great! Now let’s take it one step further. Now tell me what you want to believe about yourself.” She replied, “I do deserve to be paid more because I’m worth it!” I said, “Then make a large color picture of yourself getting a raise and place it on your left. She did.

The following week she walked into my office grinning from ear to ear. “How are you today?” I asked. She replied, “Great! I felt so good about myself after our last session that I went right up to my boss the next day and asked for that raise. I even asked for the exact amount that I imagined getting. He was a little resistant at first, but I knew he didn’t want to lose me. So he gave me the raise! The funny thing is, he didn’t even mention anything about my not having any degrees. Now I wish I would have asked for this raise a long time ago!”

Who would have thought that just moving some pictures around in your mind’s eye could have such profound and immediate results, but it does! I regularly teach clients how to do this exercise, and it works like a charm virtually every single time! Let’s get it to work for you now.

Transformation Exercise:

How to Further Weaken A Self-Limiting Belief

Create an image in your mind of something that you know is absolutely false. Do you see a picture, hear a sound, or get a feeling when you imagine this thing that is false? Once you’ve identified the characteristics of the false image, write them down so that you easily remember them.

If it’s a picture, where is it located in your personal space? Is it in front of you, to the left, to the right, up close, or far away? Is it in color or black and white? Is it large, medium, or small?

If you don’t see a picture, perhaps you hear a sound. I had a client once say that whenever he thought of something false, he’d hear a low voice in the back of his mind say “Not!” Notice the details. For him, it was a low voice that seemed to come from the back of his head.

If you don’t see a picture or hear a sound, perhaps you just get a feeling. When you think of something false, what kind of feeling do you get, and where do you sense that it’s located in your body? I’ve had clients say that when something felt false, it was like they had a rock in their stomach. Again, pay attention to details. “Rock.” “Stomach.”

The next step is to think of an idea or belief that you currently believe is true, but that you’d like to believe is false. Notice how you imagine this belief. Do you think of it as a picture, sound, or feeling? Right down all of its characteristics. Is it big or small, close or far, in color or black and white, loud or soft? Do you get a feeling in your head, chest, or abdomen?

Now move this belief into the False folder, and change all of the characteristics of the self-limiting belief so that it matches the characteristics of the false image you originally came up with.

Then test it. Think of the self-limiting belief and see if it still feels real or believable. It should start to feel different. You may now feel neutral or indifferent. It might even feel foreign or silly to think that you used to believe that.

Some clients have related that their false image and true image were in the same location. If you continue to notice more of the attributes (size, location, shape, volume, texture) you should notice some separate distinctions, even if they are slight.

Transformation Exercise:

How To Strengthen A Desirable Belief

Think of a new, desirable belief that you would like to feel with certainty is true. Notice how you experience that idea in your mind. How do you “know” that it’s false? Do you get an image, sound, or feeling about it? Notice the characteristics and attributes of that picture, sound, or feeling.

Next, think back to that True folder that we identified earlier. Remember that idea you wanted to believe was false, yet felt might be true? How did you know that it was true? What were the characteristics that made this idea seem so believable?

You know what to do next! Take the idea that you now want to believe with certainty is true and move it over into the True folder. Give it the exact same characteristics and attributes so that it looks, sounds, and feels absolutely true to you now.

Now test it. Think of the new, empowering belief and notice if it now feels more believable and true. You may want to increase its brightness, make it sound more convincing, and feel warmer, closer, and bigger. Use your imagination. Play around with the features until it feels just the way you want it to.

As you continually discover how your brain codes and structures information, you’ll be able to quickly add and delete beliefs, fears, and patterns of behavior through using formulas like this. For more information on strategies like this, check out my courses at TimShurr.com

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Chapter 4
Perception Is Projection

Your Unconscious Filters

One way to describe the process of how you interpret and react to situations is through the analogy of a filter. The information coming in through your five senses is intercepted by the life “filters” you’ve developed over the years. This unconscious filter is formed from your beliefs and life experiences. Each person has a unique filter, because each person has a subjective, personal view of reality.

For example, describe the taste of an orange or the color blue. Even if you were graphic and explicit in detail, I could never taste and experience an orange in the same way you do. Now add in the unique filters we each possess. For example, what if you loved oranges and I hated them? That would make the experience of eating an orange even more varied.

What if in high school I was the victim of an orange-ing? I walked outside and was pelted by the football team with oranges. (This never happened.) Maybe you went to school in Orange County and during your senior year, you were voted Orange King or Queen. Based on these two experiences, our filters would be considerably different when it came to the fruit we call an orange.

We each have different perceptions of words, actions, and events. You might have looked at an orange while thinking, “I sure would enjoy an orange,” while I might have seen you glance at the orange and perceived that you were thinking, “An orange. I think I’ll throw it at Tim!”

Out of all the interpretations you’ve made over the years, do you think there’s a chance that some of those interpretations were incorrect? Could it be possible that you drew the wrong conclusion based on the limited information you had? The answer for all of us is yes.

Now that I’m a father, I realize why my parents said and did many of the things they did. As a kid, I felt upset, angry, and even disappointed at times. When I was a teenager, I was certain my parents were out to destroy my social life. Now that the tables are turned, I see how they were trying to protect and guide, and even rescue me from myself.

When my parents told me I couldn’t do something, my child(ish) interpretation was that they didn’t care about my feelings. In reality, they cared about me so much that they stood their ground even when I cried, yelled, or pouted. Saying no to your child is never fun, but not saying no at times can be a whole lot worse for the both of you.

Many events in your life may have been upsetting or difficult. But when you look back upon those situations as an adult, you gain a deeper perspective. I was picked on a lot as a child (not with oranges). At the time it really sucked.

As an adult, however, I found that those early experiences fueled my deep desire to help others become stronger in life, and to escape their own inner bullies. My hope for you is that this book will likewise give you a new perspective that will empower you in the near future.

Understanding Your Reality-Creating Unconscious

Your unconscious is the information warehouse of your brain, and it operates like storage crates. When new information comes in through your senses, it gets compared to what’s happened in the past. Then your brain either puts the information into a general crate, it distorts the information to fit into a specific crate, or it throws away the information completely.

You are bombarded with over 2.3 million bits of data per second, and your brain can only process about 159,000 bits of this data per second. This means that millions of possibilities, realities, and outcomes get completely ignored or thrown away (erased) without your ever knowing it.

And that’s what I mean when I say that you are co-creating your reality. God provides the quantum energy from which you can create your life, and your brain selects which energy to pay attention to based on your beliefs, attitude, and focus.

Another Layer of Perception

There’s something else you should know about your unconscious mind. It will mostly only allow you to perceive things that support your beliefs. If you have a belief that all salespeople are pushy, then you will tend to attract only the pushy salespeople. Are there warm, honest, trustworthy salespeople? Yes. But you won’t meet them because you’ll be attracting the aggressive ones.

I stuck in the word mostly because if your mind only allowed you to see what you believe, you would never have the ability to change. People change every day. My clients have breakthroughs all the time. Thus, you do have the ability to experience “evidence” contrary to what you believe if you are able to keep an open mind and welcome new possibilities.

When your mind is closed, the possibility of a new experience will be unlikely because you’re not giving it the slightest chance to emerge. Many people, for example, completely close their minds to an opposing viewpoint when speaking about passionate subjects like religion or politics.

Instead of seeking to understand how another may interpret the subject, rigid people cling even tighter to their own ideas and set out on a mission to prove that there is only one single truth—theirs! Many casualties have resulted from this type of closed-minded thinking.

“Regardless of the belief you have, your mind will find supporting evidence for that belief.”

Once your unconscious locks onto a certain belief, it will supply your conscious mind with justifications that support only that belief. This is why when you meet someone who is doing something that he knows is bad for himself, he will give you reasons, excuses, and justifications for why he must continue to behave in this way. His mind sees only one option.

If you are twenty pounds or more overweight, you know that devouring bags of chips or a deep-dish pizza is harmful to your health. If you’re a diabetic but you still guzzle soda pop all day long, you have to know it’s bad for you. But because your unconscious is so powerful, it will overrule logic and support the belief that pizza or soda will make you feel better.

If your mind really believes this, it will continue to justify the behavior. “I’m going to start exercising tomorrow, so I might as well live it up tonight.” “If I don’t drink this soda, I’ll get a terrible headache.” “I really don’t have a choice anymore. I’m addicted to it.” “If I lose weight, I’ll have all this loose skin and it will look worse than my being heavy.” “I’m going to die from something. I might as well enjoy myself.”

These are all actual excuses that I’ve heard from people who were obese. It’s no wonder they could never lose the weight. Their minds had no intention of changing their behaviors or dropping the fat. Consciously they all said they wanted to lose weight, but unconsciously it just wasn’t going to happen. This is why so many who diet remain heavy. Their beliefs (their perceptions) keep them this way.

Remember, beliefs will only allow you to see things that support those beliefs. Therefore, you’re going to have to accept the reality that you are a fabulous human being with amazing potential, and, even if there is some validity to your self-limiting beliefs, you still have the ability to triumph over them!

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Chapter 5
Comfort Zones

Test Your Courage

It’s time to see if you have the courage to succeed! The instructions for this challenge are simple. Sing out loud: “We are the champions, my friend. And we’ll be together until the end!” (Try to hit the high notes. ☺) Ready, SING! “We are the champions, my friend! And we’ll be together until the end!”

Did you do it? If so, great! I’m proud of you! If not, here’s another chance. Sing it as loud as you can and, if others are around, sing even louder! Let’s see how courageous you really are. Here you go. 1, 2, 3! “We are the champions my friend. And we’ll be together until the end!”

Great! Give yourself a round of applause for following through, even if it made you a little uncomfortable. If you still haven’t sung this tune, why not?

Was it too silly for you?

Are you too dignified?

Are you afraid someone might judge you?

Are you in a rush to get to the next exercise?

Are you too busy analyzing the intention of the exercise or why I’m asking you to do such a thing?

Maybe you’re not good at following instructions?

The only reason I asked you to sing out loud was to see if you would do it. This test is designed to see how well you deal with challenges and how willing you are to leave or expand your comfort zone. If you completed the task, it suggests that you are willing to take some risks and put yourself out there.

If you did not take action as requested, it suggests that you don’t take many risks, you are overly concerned with how others view you, or your ability to take direction and follow through is lacking. You may justify your actions by thinking that the test was stupid, or that I am. Instead, realize it’s your fear, ego, or excuses that keep you struggling and mediocre!

How you play games is a good reflection of how you play the game of life. You cannot grow if you’re playing it safe! If you want to become confident and successful but make excuses for not accomplishing smaller tasks, what makes you think you’ll follow through on larger ones?

“You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.”
Will Rogers

You need to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable or at least fake it until you make it. Decide that it’s okay to feel weird or unsure during these exercises so you can experience the breakthroughs you desire. Only in times of challenge can your inner hero emerge!

“When you’re going through hell, keep going!”
Winston Churchill

Therefore, the next time in this book you’re asked to take action, no matter how strange it might seem, please do it! Like the Nike commercials say, “Just do it!”

Comfort Zone or Excuses Zone?

Each time you are confronted with an exercise, become aware of the excuses that enter your mind for not following through. You should write them down, because they are good indicators for the kinds of self-limiting beliefs that sabotage you.

“You cannot grow and play it safe at the same time!”
Tim Shurr

Transformation Exercise:

Be Aware of Your Own BS

In your notebook . . .

Over the next couple of days, notice the excuses you repeatedly use for getting overwhelmed, feeling upset, procrastinating, or otherwise not reaching your goals.

Write them down. Being aware of these excuses will open your eyes to how much or how little you believe in yourself.

Common Excuses:

“I don’t have enough time.”

“I don’t have enough money.”

“I’m too tired.”

“I don’t have any willpower.”

“It’s their fault.”

“I don’t know how.”

“It won’t last.”

“I have too many commitments.”

“I have to take care of my parents.”

“Nobody listens to me (or takes me seriously).”

If some of your excuses come to mind now, write them down. Write down other excuses for the next few days. What do they reveal about your belief in yourself and in your wonderful abilities?

One More Try!

Because I think you’re absolutely fabulous, I’m going to give you another chance. Instead of singing, I want you to say out loud as you tap yourself on the forehead:

“I create my destiny and I have the power!”

Ready... Start tapping on your forehead with your index finger. Now say passionately:

“I create my destiny and I have the power!”

Fantastic! I know you really stepped up this time. Since transformation requires new information, it’s normal to feel resistant when making changes. Encouraging you to sing out loud may not seem like it has anything to do with building wealth, losing weight, or making your life better. Yet, as you will see, it has everything to do with it.

These new, courage-creating challenges reveal your current levels of comfort, security, and self-esteem, and as you progress through this book, those levels should increase. These exercises also offer immediate feedback on how well you follow instructions and how willing you are to do whatever it takes to be successful.

“The courageous have always risked death while the fearful have never really lived at all.”

Comfort Zone or Trap?

You can always tell when someone resists leaving his/her comfort zone. S/He will continue to think and behave in the same manner even when new or contrary information is introduced.

I’ve always been amazed by how easily people will accept ideas that are untrue. It’s even more mind-boggling to see people clinging to old beliefs that they know are untrue just because “we’ve always done it that way.”

I once heard a story about an eight-year-old who complained about taking out the trash. His mother was very strict and always demanded that he recycled the newspapers, glass, and plastics in separate containers. One day the boy was late in getting the garbage to the street. He ran out with the three separate containers just as the recycling truck pulled up.

The boy watched the driver throw the loose newspapers, glass, and plastics all into one big pile in the back of the truck. The boy was shocked, and then he got excited. He ran into the house, found his mother, and told her what he had seen.

His mother didn’t believe him and continued to make her son sort the recyclables. The following week when the recyclable truck pulled up, the boy begged his mother to watch the man through the window. Reluctantly she agreed and saw with her own eyes as the man dumped the newspapers, glass, and plastics all into one big pile. The boy beamed with satisfaction, expecting his mother to make amends. Instead, she looked at her son and said, “It doesn’t matter. We’ve always done it this way, and we are going to continue doing it this way, and that’s just how it is.”

When I first heard this story, I wanted to throw that mother into the back of the recycling truck! What kind of message does that send to an impressionable child? “Don’t trust what you see. Just do what you’ve always done and don’t question it.” I bet you know someone who’s behaved in this manner. People come up with all kinds of rituals for how things “should” be because it creates a feeling of familiarity.

I once asked a well-respected professor of religious studies about people who were so rigid with their spiritual beliefs that they didn’t want to hear anything else but what they believed. He said, “These people have the least amount of faith because they are afraid of it being tested.”

Part of being courageous means testing yourself and your beliefs. It means taking the chance of being wrong or getting hurt because the potential rewards are worth it. Any worthy relationship requires risk and the ability to make yourself vulnerable to your partner. Yes, at times you’ll get hurt, but the deeper, more fulfilling love that can emerge is worth the growing pains.

“Part of being courageous means testing yourself and your beliefs. It means taking the chance of being wrong because the potential rewards are worth it.”

Have you ever thought, “I’m afraid to make a change because what if things get worse?” Typically, this is not the case. When you are not true to yourself, things often get worse. Yet, when you have the courage to trust that feeling that urges you to move in a new direction, you will be pleasantly rewarded!

The Downside of Comfort Zones

Here’s an example of an unhealthy comfort zone. A young girl grows up in an abusive environment with an alcoholic father. As an adult, she marries a man who begins drinking heavily after they marry, and he becomes steadily more agitated and aggressive.

Even though this woman’s early environment was unhealthy, it was familiar, and thus she unconsciously recreated it as an adult. For most, comfort zones are actually prisons that keep you stuck. Most “comfort zones” aren’t even comfortable. They’re just familiar, and that’s what makes them feel safe.

This can be a scary concept, but it’s also a reality. People fear change because they believe things could get worse than they already are. The future is unknown, and if you assume the worst, it can be a frightening proposition.

However, if you believe good things are coming your way, and your situation will only get better, it probably will since the choices you make are heavily determined by what you believe to be true!

Freedom from “Comfort” Zones

One way to challenge being afraid of the unknown is to think about the following. Would you go to the movies if you knew the ending to every single movie? That wouldn’t be much fun, would it? Much of the enjoyment comes from not knowing what’s going to happen.

Besides, when you go to the movies, aren’t you assuming it’s going to be a pleasurable experience? Then why not think of your life as a movie that’s full of possibility and that you have the directorial power to ensure this movie has a happy ending!

I highly recommend making the following four beliefs your own. You’ll reap the benefits for years to come.

4 Beliefs of The Happy, Healthy and Wealthy

The future will bring good things!

Part of the fun is not knowing what will happen.

You co-create your destiny. Life sets up the opportunities, and you get to decide which opportunities to pursue.

You can feel calm about the future since your actions help to create it and you are in charge of your actions!

If, while reading this book or at any time after, you find yourself resisting or retreating to old habits, remind yourself that the old “comfort” zone is nothing more than a prison. It’s time for you to experience true freedom, even if it feels scary at first.

Reassure yourself that you are in the process of developing courageous beliefs and habits that will help you feel relaxed, safe, secure, and confident regardless of your circumstances or environment.

Over time, your comfort zones will expand and you will feel much more secure with the new beliefs and habits you’ve developed. When you look back at this time a few months from now, you’ll feel proud of yourself for your efforts. If it matters any, I’m proud of you to!

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Chapter 6
Are You Talking Yourself Into Success or Failure?

The Voice In Your Head

Since your beliefs tend to be the catalyst for how you think, it’s important to strengthen your mind at the core. Just trying to change how you think, without changing the driving beliefs, will not work. You’ll say, “I’m going to be a millionaire!” and then you hear a voice in your head that says, “Yeah, right.”

A client told me the other day that when he said to himself “I can do anything,” he heard a voice in his head say “Not.” Or you might think, “I’m going to excel on this diet!” Then the voice says, “After all, this is only one small donut, well, maybe two. . . .”

“To improve how you think, you must upgrade your driving beliefs.”

From now on, you will reply to that voice with a defiant, “Hell no! I don’t want any freaking donuts. I can accomplish anything! I’m going to do what it takes to be successful right now! I will have what most others won’t have because I’m willing to do what most others are not willing to do!” We call this self-talk.

In the chapter one exercise, Identify Your Self-Limiting Beliefs, I told you that putting your thoughts on paper allows you to look back on how you were thinking in your past, which will reveal why your present is the way it is. There’s yet another good reason to occasionally write down what’s going on in that mind of yours.

Have you ever had a mental argument with yourself, like there are two of you in there battling it out? “I’m doing this! No you’re not, you’ll only get hurt! I’m hurting anyway. You’ll hurt worse.”

Some battles sound like this: “Don’t eat those cookies! Oh, one little cookie won’t hurt. No, I need to lose weight. Come on, live a little, besides, you’ve had a rough day.”

Other battles sound like this: “I’m going to make those calls right now. Why, so they can hang up on you? I’m being stupid. Just make one call. Yeah, and get yelled at right before going home. It will ruin my whole night. I’ll just call tomorrow when I come in, maybe.”

When you argue with yourself, you’ll always lose. The best defense against this to either write down your thoughts or to begin saying them out loud so that you can hear how critical or ridiculous you sound!

Clients who’ve done this have said, “Wow, I had no idea I was being so mean to myself. Actually writing my thoughts down allowed me to go back and see how much of a bully I was being to myself. That’s when I decided to treat myself with more respect, and it has really made a huge difference.”

If I get caught up in an internal debate, I begin debating out loud. It can often become quite an effective way to stop the debate, especially when you hear yourself blowing things way out of proportion. But you won’t notice it if you continue to keep the voices tucked safely away in your mind.

Influence Your Thoughts Through Positive Self-Talk

Although your beliefs influence the quality of your thoughts, the quality of your daily thinking can also greatly influences your beliefs. Thus, one way to update your beliefs is by telling yourself what you want to believe. If your unconscious hears it enough, it will eventually accept it.

It’s incredibly important that your thinking (self-talk) is positive, loving, and supportive for another reason: What you say to yourself creates how you feel in the moment. The words you say and the images or movies that you play in your mind generate specific emotional states. These feelings or emotional states determine what actions you take, and this behavior then shapes your reality or experience of life.

Let’s review this again, because it’s one of the most important secrets about how your reality is shaped. The thoughts you have create the feelings you experience. Those feelings determine what kind of choices you make.

Those choices influence the results you get, and those results then reinforce the thinking that started it all! It’s a big circle. Ultimately, how you think determines how your life will be.

“Your thoughts create the feelings you experience. Those feelings determine what kind of choices you make. These choices influence the results you get. Those results reinforce the thinking that started it all!”
Tim Shurr

William James, the founder of modern psychology, said, “The greatest discovery of the twentieth century was that the quality of your thinking determines the quality of your life.” One surefire way to create a more prosperous life is through focusing the majority of your mental energy onto what you want to believe about yourself and your life.

Instead of dwelling on what you have, or who you are now, redirect your mental energy toward what you want and who you are becoming, those positive qualities you intend to add to yourself.

The good news is you can begin, right now, to create a new dialogue with yourself that is loving, supportive, and encouraging. Stop waiting for someone else to say these things to you. Instead, give yourself what you need.

Transformation Exercise:

Develop a Success Mindset in 4 Easy Steps

Once you transform your underlying beliefs, the next step is to engage in a stronger, more optimistic dialogue with yourself. If your self-talk isn’t positive, supportive, and encouraging, you might revert back to your former beliefs. To prevent this, I’ve provided a four-step process for generating an unstoppable PMA (positive mental attitude.)

Eventually these four steps will become automatic. You’ll still need to monitor your thoughts every day to ensure you’re staying on course, but it all becomes much easier and effortless over time. Here is the four-step process.

Step One To Developing A Success Mindset:

Become more aware of your current self-talk.

Be aware of what you’re actually saying to yourself. You have roughly 60,000 thoughts each day. What are the majority of your thoughts focused on? Is that voice in your mind loving or scared, supportive or skeptical, calm or angry? You can’t fix something unless you know what the problem is. Therefore, you must become more conscious of how you think.

“What you think about comes about. So what are you thinking about?”

Step Two For Developing A Success Mindset:

When you make a negative comment to yourself, interrupt or challenge that thought immediately.

You can interrupt it by imagining a big red stop sign popping out in front of you. Then say loudly and clearly to yourself, “CANCEL, CLEAR!” Make sure you say this out loud. Remember, it is impossible to win an argument with yourself in your own head. (And as we said, sometimes you have to repeat negative comments out loud so that you can hear how critical or judgmental you’re really being to yourself.)

When you say “I’m such a failure” in your head, you immediately feel like one. If, however, you were to say out loud “I’m such a failure!” suddenly you might feel like you’re being a bit harsh with yourself.

Go ahead and test this now. Say in your own mind “I’m such a failure!” Then say it again out loud with the same amount of emphasis. It should feel different. The second time you say this, it might even feel uncomfortable, because it’s really false.

Now say out loud “I’m such a failure,” and then immediately picture a big red stop sign in front of you. Then say with passion, “CANCEL, CLEAR!”

As you do this, the thought and accompanying feeling(s) should become smaller and fade away. If it still lingers, then you’ll need to challenge it. You’ve already learned some very effective strategies for accomplishing this task. You can repeat the unuseful comment, and then yell out “What a bunch of BS!” Or move the thought over to the False folder. You can even run it through your Six Power Questions. You could also do the following.

Often, when being overly critical or dramatic, you’ll find yourself using words like always or never. If you catch yourself using words like this, emphasize that particular word and challenge the statement. “Things never work out for me!” “Never? Nothing has ever worked out for me ever?” It forces you to bring the situation back into proportion. “Okay, lots of things have worked out for me. It’s just that this hasn’t happened yet, but maybe it still can if I keep focusing on what I want.”

Here’s another common example. “Why does this always happen to me? Does it always happen to me? Always? Every single time? No, not every time. But it’s happening this time and I’m really upset about it. But that’s okay. I know I’m a good person and everything is going to work out for the better. I’ll get through this and things will be fine. In fact, maybe they’ll turn out better than I expected, and that’s what I’m going to focus on.”

As soon as you begin challenging negative or unuseful thinking, it will be as though you are arguing with yourself. This is because you have a set of faulty beliefs, ideas you currently think are true, that block you from fully accepting the new information (the positive things you say to yourself).

Those are great examples of how to use positive self-talk to transform an upsetting situation into one where you feel more reassured and supported. Even if there is some truth to the negative comment, making you feel bad will only make matters worse. Some people think bad-mouthing themselves will motivate them to change things. It only does the opposite. Bullying yourself only leads to depression and discouragement. Research has proven time and again that only through positive reinforcement can someone be motivated long term.

“Use positive self-talk to transform an upsetting situation into one where you feel more reassured and supported.”

“Only through positive reinforcement can someone be motivated long-term.”

Step Three to Developing A Success Mindset:

Replace the unuseful (negative) thought with a more empowering, positive comment or statement.

Once you pull a weed, you need to replace it with a flower. Otherwise the weed just grows back. Also, if you want to grow roses, you have to plant rose seeds. If you wish for your life to go in a certain direction, you must plant the mental seeds to take you there! Where you would like to be in 30 days, 6 months, or 1 year? How do you want to think, feel, and behave right this moment? Once you clarify the answers to these questions, begin planting those mental seeds!

Here are a few seeds for you. “Things do work out in my life, often better than I expected. I always learn from every situation, and this makes me stronger and wiser. There is no failure, only feedback, which means I can learn from any situation and feel successful from it. I am the person I was created to be. I am supposed to be here on this planet. My life does have meaning and purpose. My thoughts, feelings, values, and beliefs are just as important as anyone else’s.

I am just as important as everyone else! Today is my day, and I’m going to make it great!” ☺

“There is no failure, only feedback, which means I can learn from any situation and feel successful from it.”

Sometimes the easiest way to come up with a more empowering belief is to say the opposite of the negative belief. “I can’t do it” becomes “I can do it!” “I’m not worthy” becomes “I am worthy!” “It will never happen” becomes “It will happen and I will always be happy with my decision to go for it and find out either way!” Ask yourself which one of these two brings about genuine regret—daring to reach a goal yet failing or going to one’s death not going for something and wondering what could have been?

Step Four To Developing A Success Mindset:

Practice and repeat.

I challenge people to use more proactive self-talk for two weeks, and many give up by the end of the day. They say, “That positive thinking stuff doesn’t work. I’m just fooling myself.” I typically reply, “You’re right. You are fooling yourself if you think that positive thinking doesn’t work. How long did you practice it?” The answer I hear most is, “Well, I really didn’t practice at all.”

If you hear something enough times, eventually you will begin to believe in it. The only reason people tend to believe negative things about themselves is because they’ve heard those negative statements far more times than positive ones. If you are wasting time dwelling on self-defeating beliefs that are holding you back and creating pain, remember this: The only reason you believe that crap is because you heard it so much growing up and now you’re saying it to yourself as an adult!

If you want to really believe something is better, say that it is to yourself so many times that you can’t remember anything else you used to say! This will work if you work it!

Here’s the million-dollar happiness question: If you had to say the positive self-statement that would free you from pain and create massive pleasure in your life 10,000 times before you finally truly believed it, would you?

“If you want to really believe something is better, say that it is to yourself so many times that you can’t remember anything else you used to say!”

Destination: Success

Keep planting those seeds of success. Sometimes you’ll really have to fake it until you make it, and that’s okay. Eventually you won’t have to fake it anymore. One day your mind will just accept this information it keeps receiving from you, and your life will instantly be changed. You’ve heard the expression “an overnight success.” That’s an inaccurate statement.

Overnight successes typically spend several years evolving to their peak. Then, in what seems like an instant, they arrive at their destination. Many successful people say it’s like feast or famine. They went from broke to wealthy, and even though it did happen over time, it feels like the change occurred all at once.

The main thing you should be doing is preparing yourself for that big break, which is actually a series of little breaks. When that big opportunity does arrive, you want to be ready for it. That’s why you strive to become the best you can be now, and a huge part of this involves developing strong confidence and self-belief. This will come from how you positively communicate with yourself on a daily basis, your positive self-talk.

As Tony Robbins has said, “Repetition is the mother of all skills.” Many of the things you now do with ease were once difficult tasks that you had to practice and repeat: tying your shoes, driving a car, beginning a new job, and so on. When my son first started walking, he fell down a lot. Do you think in his mind he was saying, “I’m so stupid! I’m never going to walk! Why does this keep happening to me?” No, that’s ridiculous. He simply got up and tried again, and eventually succeeded. Why? Because he was bound and determined to accomplish his goal, and he wasn’t going to let anything stop him. If a one-year-old can have that kind of positive, resilient attitude, you can too.

Once you begin to THINK SUCCESS, your odds of succeeding increase dramatically! The success formula I teach my clients is Belief + Expectation = Results. The more you believe and expect to achieve, the more you will succeed!

The Key Ingredient for Success: Believe in Yourself!

How long will it take before you finally believe in yourself? As long as it needs to, because there’s really nothing more important than this. My grandfather taught me the value of doing things right and persisting until I had succeeded. I remember being fifteen years old and busting my butt trying to figure something out. I finally got so frustrated that I yelled out, “How many times do I have to do this?” He replied, “Until you get it right.” Shortly after that, I did.

I hated my grandfather’s answer at the time, but when I did accomplish the goal, it was the best feeling ever! If I had it my way, I would have quit way before I ever got to experience the joy and feeling of success. Thank goodness I had someone in my life who could see beyond my frustrations and show me the bigger picture. I hope my words are doing this for you right now.

“You can accomplish more than you’ve ever imagined as you continue to get out of your own way.”

I’ve worked with thousands of people who never dreamed that they could accomplish their goals and live out their dreams—and then they did. Arlene came to see me for weight loss. She complained of having arthritis and a bad thyroid that prohibited her from losing weight. She hadn’t been able to lose a single pound for fifteen years, and she was pretty upset about it. I began working with her and we made some progress, but I could tell that she was still holding herself back with the belief that “My physical problems keep me heavy.” So I showed her the bigger picture.

I sponsored a group class in which the goal was to turn fear into power through transforming self-limiting beliefs. I taught the participants a few of the principles you’re learning in this book, and then ended the class with a board-breaking ceremony. Each person wrote down their self-limiting worries and fears on the board. Then they handed me the board, I held it, and they broke it with the palm of their hand.

Arlene stepped up, obviously nervous. She said, “I’m seventy-two years old and I have arthritis in my hands.” I smiled and said, “Arlene, the board doesn’t exist. I want you to simply move your hand to the imaginary target behind this board.” I taught the class how to do this earlier. When breaking boards, you don’t focus on hitting the board. You imagine hitting a target directly behind the board. This is also an analogy for achieving goals. You don’t focus on the obstacles in front of you. You keep your aim on the outcome you desire.

Arlene took in a deep breath, and then thrust her hand forward. The board snapped in two like a twig. Arlene looked at the two pieces of board and then at her hand. I passed her the broken board and said, “So much for your old beliefs.” She smiled, and the whole room cheered. Two months later, Arlene was down twenty pounds.

“Instead of focusing on the obstacles in front of you, lock your eyes on the OUTCOME you desire.”

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Chapter 7
How To Silence Your Inner Critic

Where Your Inner Critic Comes From

The inner critic is the voice in your mind that suggests or warns that you should be cautious, suspicious, or fearful. These thoughts can have value at times, especially in situations where you should be cautious. Yet, most of what comes from your inner critic is not useful. In fact, it’s usually debilitating, demeaning, and destructive.

If I followed you around for a day transcribing what you say to yourself, would you feel confident about having others read it in Sunday’s newspaper? Would you want to read it? For most, the answer is no. It’s surprising how negative, critical, and judgmental we are to ourselves. At times, you may be the harshest critic you know. Especially when things aren’t going your way. This, my friend, must change now!

The Inner Critic: Your New Best Friend

Negative self-thoughts are disastrous to your mental, emotional, physical, and financial well-being. Thus, it’s best to keep a tight leash on your inner critic, and that’s why you need to transform your inner critic into your new best friend.

One of my clients once said she was no longer going to tolerate her own “stinking thinking!” She said, “You know what? I’m tired of constantly bullying myself. It’s exhausting, and I’m sick of hurting my own feelings.” She made a decision in that moment to stand up to her own fears and self-criticisms. Before trying to change her life or those who were in it, she first began changing her self-talk, and that made all the difference!

Make comments to yourself that leave you feeling empowered and strong. If you don’t believe the new things you are saying at first, that’s okay. Anything new doesn’t feel comfortable or familiar at first. But over time it will.

“One of the most important keys to experiencing an extraordinary life is to learn how to communicate more encouragingly with yourself!”

Teach Your Inner Voice to Ask Quality Questions

The process of thinking is mostly made up of asking and answering questions in your own mind. “Am I hungry? Sure. What should I eat? Huh, I don’t know. What sounds good? How about a burger? No, I had that yesterday. What about a salad? Okay. Maybe I could try that new dressing.”

You are continually having an unconscious conversation with yourself, whether by literally speaking to yourself or running pictures and/or movies in your mind. These words and images directly influence how you feel and the actions you take every minute of the day. You never just feel an emotion. There is always something that you picture or say to yourself that precedes the emotional state, even if you aren’t aware of it.

This is why the quality of the questions you ask yourself will determine the quality of your life. The more solution-oriented and positive your questions (thinking) are, the better quality of answers you will receive. Your mind does not care what kind of answers it provides you. Its response is only dictated by the quality of the questions you supply. Ask yourself good questions, and the odds are in your favor of experiencing an enjoyable life. Continue to ask lousy questions, and you’re not going to like the outcome.

“The more solution-oriented your internal questions are, the more quality your answers will become.”

Asking yourself lousy questions will instantly be met with sarcastic responses from your inner critic. “Why can’t I make this work?” “Because you’re a loser!”

Here’s a short list of questions to avoid like the plague:

What’s wrong with me?

Why doesn’t anything ever work?

What else could go wrong?

Why me?

Why can’t I get what I want?

Why does this always happen to me?

What did I do to deserve this?

Why questions point you in the wrong direction. Instead, begin your questions with the word “What” or “How.” As in, “What am I going to do about it?” or “What can I do right now to move forward in a positive way? And how can I make it fun?”

Transformation Exercise:

Ask Yourself More Useful Questions

The questions you ask yourself influence the way you feel and behave. Perhaps after you’ve completed this exercise, you’ll think twice about the questions you ask yourself.

In your notebook . . .

Step One: Think of something that is a mild problem for you in your life right now. Write it down in your notebook now. Your notebook page may look something like this:

Problem:

Step Two: As you think about this problem, ask yourself the following questions out loud. Don’t bother answering the questions. Just notice how they make you feel.

“Why do I have this problem?”

“How long have I had it?”

“How does this limit me?”

“What does this problem stop me from doing what I

want to do?”

“Whose fault is it that I have this problem?”

“When was the worst time I experienced this problem?”

These are typical questions that people ask themselves when they don’t get what they want. These specific questions seek to place blame, are problem-oriented, and lead to experiences of limitation and lack of choice. They create excuses and justifications for why you don’t have what you want, and they lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair. Now let’s try something different.

Step Three: Keeping in mind the problem you wrote down in Step One, ask yourself the following questions. Notice if you feel any different asking yourself these questions as opposed to the other ones.

“What outcome do I want?”

“How will I know that I have it?”

“When I get what I want, what else in my life will improve?”

“What resources do I have available to help me with this?”

“How can I best utilize the resources that I have?”

“What am I going to begin doing now to get what I want?”

Did you feel different this time? Most feel pretty lousy by the time they get through the self-defeating questions in Step Two. That’s because those questions are constantly pointing you toward what is wrong or upsetting. You can’t help but feel stuck, overwhelmed, or frustrated.

The self-empowering questions in Step Three, on the other hand, orient you toward a solution. They assume you can and will be successful, and they help you to access a state of resourcefulness. Asking high caliber questions will leave you feeling more hopeful, capable, and motivated for action!

“Asking proactive questions will force your brain to respond with action steps that should be acted upon immediately!”

In your notebook . . .

Beneath your problem, write down the self-empowering questions so they’re a handy reference for the next time you face a challenge and are tempted to ask yourself the wrong questions.

When you re-adjust your mental focus by asking proactive questions, you leap past the inner critic and enter a more resourceful state of mind. In this state, you will discover the options that evaded your conscious awareness in the past. Operating at a higher level of consciousness (awareness) allows you to you identify the action steps that bring the outcomes you desire in the shortest amount of time. All you have to do to increase conscious awareness is ask yourself the right questions.

“Quality questions create a quality life. Successful people ask better questions, and as a result, they get better answers.” Anthony Robbins

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Chapter 8
Take Control Over Fear

In the previous chapter, we talked about asking proactive, empowering questions. Often, your disempowering questions come from a nasty little four-letter word that’s responsible for all the woes in the world. It’s also the reason why you (and others) haven’t yet achieved your goals or dreams. Have you guessed what it is yet? That’s right. FEAR. Fear shuts people down faster than anything else. Fear enters our hearts when we perceive potential mental, emotional, or spiritual pain. Fear is actually a defense mechanism designed to protect you, since humans are instinctively hardwired to avoid pain at all costs. However, the positive intention of this built-in defense mechanism is now doing more to generate pain than it ever did to keep us safe!

Most fears are not based on life-threatening situations, but on things that we conjure up and torture ourselves with needlessly. Fear, at one time, was a survival emotion that triggered our fight-or-flight response so that we could escape from life-endangering situations, like being eaten by a dinosaur. Nowadays, our fight-or-flight response gets triggered if we can’t open a jar of peanut butter.

Getting jolted with adrenaline several times a day for situations that are blown out of proportion is seriously damaging to your physical, mental, and emotional stability. Therefore, as I show you how to turn mountains into molehills, think of past fear as False Evidence Appearing Real.

I admit that in the past, I too was prone to getting caught up in fear. My prior acronym for FEAR was F--- Everything And Run!☺ Yet I’ve realized that the feeling of fear is based on the thoughts you have and not on the situation itself.

“The feeling of fear is based on the thoughts you have and not on the situation itself.”

Toastmasters International, a wonderful organization for training public speakers, have a saying that, “You can’t get rid of the butterflies, but you can make them fly in formation.” Therefore, your new acronym for fear is Feeling Excited And Ready! Now let’s take control of those fears!

The What-If Monster

As I said previously, your feelings and emotional states are generated by your thoughts. Since fear is an emotion, it must stem from fearful thinking. This is where the inner critic comes into play. Your inner critic is that voice in your mind that’s constantly warning you to be cautious or suspicious of opportunities, others, or the world around you.

For example, if you’re standing on top of a ladder and suddenly you have thoughts of falling, that’s just your mind warning you to be careful. A primal instinct of your brain is self-preservation. If it perceives that you could be in harm’s way, it’s going to let you know about it.

Sitting in your living room worrying about ladders falling on you is an example of an unuseful thought process. Excessive fears stem from an inner critic whose repetitive negative thoughts, whether true or not, have become worrisome and fearful, and now that inner voice whispers, and sometimes screams, “Be careful. Don’t do it! What if it doesn’t work out? What if I fail? What if they get mad? What if they laugh at me? What if I humiliate myself?”

This fearful, skeptical, and even pessimistic voice spends all its time filling your head with worries, fears, and what-ifs. I refer to this as “playing with the What-If Monster.” People play so much with the What-If Monster that one of my first e-books was entitled What-IF! You can find it at TimShurr.com

Here’s my theory behind the What-If Monster. Imagine you’re afraid there’s a monster in your closet. You start creeping toward the closet door to check it out. You’re scared, and your hands begin to shake as you close in. Every step makes your heart race until, finally, you reach the door.

Adrenaline courses through your veins as you reach out for the doorknob. Your trembling hand tightens around the knob as your imagination goes into overdrive. You imagine what terrible things lurk on the other side of this door and what could happen if you open it. Finally you can’t stand the pressure anymore, so you throw open the door!

Frantically you switch on the light and brace yourself for what’s coming, and then . . . and then . . . Nothing. There’s nothing there except a bunch of clothes.

The scary part is never what’s in the closet. It’s the imaginative build-up of what might await you that’s gut-wrenching for most. It’s the possibility of experiencing mental, emotional, or physical pain that keeps people feeling scared, stuck, frustrated, and stressed. In fact, throwing open the closet door is almost a relief. As Franklin D. Roosevelt once remarked, “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.”

If you think about it, how many of your fears have actually come true? How many of the millions of things that you’ve worried about or lost sleep over actually occurred? Not many! Worrying, in general, is a huge waste of time. When have you ever spent all night worrying and it made everything better? Never! All it does is drain your batteries, and this is often worse than if the perceived fear had occurred.

People hold back from taking action and living their dreams because of a nagging fear that the future may bring pain. They think that if they keep their expectations low they won’t experience disappointment or failure. But this is not so. Pain does not come from taking the risk of creating a better tomorrow. It comes from the What-If Monster. Living in fear or pretending to be less than you really are only generates the dissatisfaction you’re attempting to avoid. It makes no sense to protect yourself from pain by keeping yourself in pain.

Take Control of Your Past

Have you ever felt that events that happened in the past are responsible for what’s going on in your life right now? Many people do. Yet, it’s not what’s happened that’s influencing you. It’s the interpretation and meaning you’ve given to those events that’s important. In other words, it’s the beliefs that you’ve attained from past experience that continue to steer your life today.

I worked with a woman who was raped. You might think that the rape was the worst thing that she experienced. To her it was not. It was the paralyzing fear that it could happen again in the future. I hope nothing as traumatic as this has occurred in your life. But it does illustrate the fact that what transpires in your life isn’t as important as how you think about it afterward.

Some people are devastated by their past circumstances while others rise above it. Wealthy kids who come from good homes end up being drug addicts. Poor inner city kids become prominent community members. Clearly, it’s not your environment, circumstances, or upbringing that will decide your fate. It’s your interpretation of what has transpired. It’s your viewpoint of the situation. It’s your outlook and attitude that matters most.

People who have been hurt in the past often shut down because they fear it could happen again. How many times does it take for you to get laughed at when giving a speech before you decide never to do it again? Usually just once, right? Think of anything that you fear or get nervous about doing, and I bet it was because of something painful that you experienced in the past.

Live in the present moment. Yes, some seem to get stuck in the past, but there is no future in this. Where you are headed is always more important than where you’ve been. That’s why the windshield in your car is so much larger than the rearview mirror! Your future will be determined by the actions you take now.

Thus, now is where your power is! If you really want more certainty over what your future will bring, make the appropriate choices now toward achieving your goals. People don’t follow through because they are trying to avoid pain. In procrastinating, however, you actually create the very pain you are attempting to avoid. Do you want to be paralyzed with fear from all the bad things that have happened or that could happen instead of fully enjoying the moment?

When you don’t have a strong internal foundation, you will experience difficulty when making even the smallest of decisions. There is a nagging fear that you will choose incorrectly and trigger a disaster. In an attempt to avoid failing or avoid the pain of lost approval from others, you’ll analyze the hell out of everything and remain stuck! It’s called paralysis by analysis.

Because of this fear, people spend more time analyzing situations instead of taking action to improve them. Action, feedback, and more action are what get people results and an increased feeling of worth and esteem. Over-analyzing decisions can cause you to lose the ability to actually make one! This leads to a rushed decision at the last possible moment, which tends to produce the perceived fears. This reinforces the fear and hesitation in the future, and that, my friend, is the pattern commonly referred to as procrastination.

“What if it doesn’t work out?” “Hey, what if it does!” Sometimes you’ve got a 50/50 chance of things going right, so why assume the worst? Sometimes what you think was a bad choice could actually turn out to be a good thing. The inventor of the Post-It Notes was actually working on a formula for glue that would stick things together forever!

Researchers suggest that 80 percent of the fears people have never come true. Out of the 20 percent that do, 17 percent of those ended up not being a big deal, and the remaining 3 percent were survivable. In other words, 97 percent of the time, you’re just fine.

Those are pretty good odds, don’t you think? If you have a 97% chance of winning the lottery, how fast would you buy a ticket? So instead of spending time torturing yourself in advance for things that never happen, what if you focused on supporting the following belief:

“There is no failure, only feedback, and no matter what happens, I will always be okay!”

I strongly recommend writing that on the back of your hand in black marker (or at least in your notebook). It will be a good reminder that even if what you fear does occur, you’ll weather the storm and come out on top. Optimistic beliefs are the only thoughts that can provide real security and comfort in life. Nothing else can. Not money, health, or love. Only your beliefs in positive outcomes can give you the feeling of safety.

The question is, can you take a painful experience from the past and make it work to your advantage? The answer is yes. You might think that once something has occurred there’s nothing you can do to change it. Not true. Remember, it’s not what has happened but how you interpret it that matters, and this is something you can influence! Just because you aren’t literally able to go back in time and change things, it doesn’t mean you can’t do so in your imagination, and this is where it counts. You are about to influence your past in a way that empowers your present and future.

Methods for Quieting Your Fears

One method for calming your worrisome mind is self-talk. Every time a negative, worrisome, or unuseful thought pops into mind, fire back with something more positive. You are stronger than your fears! Ask yourself, “What if my situation works out better than I ever imagined? What if my life just kept getting better and better?” These are more empowering what-if’s to work with, because they redirect you toward discovering solutions. They also generate more secure, comfortable feelings because you’re focusing on things that make you feel secure and hopeful.

The next method is unique, because it doesn’t deal at all with the content of what you are saying. Rather, it focuses on how you say things to yourself. I recently worked with a woman who suffered from severe anxiety. As I listened to Jan describe the way she felt, I noticed that whenever she mentioned feeling anxious, she began speaking faster and in a higher pitch. Although what Jan was saying to herself would have made anyone feel anxious, when we talked about it, I didn’t focus directly on her word choice. Instead we addressed her nonverbal cues.

I had Jan imagine the last time she really felt safe and relaxed. It took her awhile, but she finally recalled a recent evening when she had curled up on the couch and fell asleep watching television. As she described the memory, her voice sounded slower, lower, and soothing. I asked her to say the same things she said to herself when feeling anxious but to say them with that slow, low, soothing voice. She gave me a confused look, but complied.

As the panicky words rolled slowly and calmly from her mouth, Jan smiled and said, “I think it’s working. I don’t really feel anxious at all.” I asked Jan to try really hard to get anxious while speaking slowly and in a low, calm voice. I also asked her to look up, since whenever Jan felt anxious, she tended to look down.

The harder Jan tried to get anxious, the more she could not. Instead she began to laugh. In order for Jan to feel anxious, she had to speak high and fast and stare at the ground. Looking up and speaking in a slow, low, calm voice immediately reduced her anxiety.

I wanted Jan to have another resource as well in case she had difficulty speaking slowly in future situations. I asked her to say something to herself that made her feel anxious but to say it using an exaggerated southern accent. I modeled this for her first, and we both broke out into laughter. Since we were both from the Midwest, our outlandish accents were a far cry from the intense, adrenaline-producing voice she was used to hearing in her head.

This time when Jan went into her barrage of worrisome self-talk, which normally led to a full-blown panic attack, she incorporated her “southern” voice. It only took a second before she burst into laughter again. I repeatedly had Jan imagine different scenarios in which she felt anxious while commenting about them in her southern voice. Each time, she either laughed or smiled broadly, which was polar opposite from how she behaved when I first met her.

Jan suffered from severe anxiety for twenty-five years. In ten minutes I had her laughing about it, and she has been in control ever since. If you suffer from anxiety, get a copy of End Fear Now! at TimShurr.com. (I know I keep sending you to that website, yet there are a lot of tools that will give you the edge you’ve been seeking!)

Transformation Exercise:

Take Control over Fear

You can utilize the same strategies Jan used to calm your inner critic. Think about something that worries you, and notice how the voice sounds in your mind. Is it high, medium, or low? Are you thinking quickly or slowly? Notice any other nuances about the voice in your head, and then make that voice sound completely opposite. If the original voice is high, fast, and it feels like it’s coming down on you, change it. Make the voice low, slow, and sound as though it’s coming from across the room.

If you’re having difficulty identifying what the voice in your head sounds like, just start talking out loud about your fears or frustrations, and use a funny-sounding accent. Or say it in your sexiest voice possible! If someone walks in on you, at least that will give your mind something else to laugh about!

The Top 5 Fears that Get in Your Way

There are five core self-limiting fears that hold people back from achieving the success that they desire. You’ve experienced one or all of them at some point in your life. Even when these fears are managed effectively or even resolved, they often creep back into your life when you least expect them.

You may be at a point in your life where it feels like you’re confronted by fear every second of the day. If so, it’s time to take back control now. Can you guess what these five universal self-limiting fears are? I’ll list them for you here:

Fear of rejection. Have you ever been afraid of being rejected? “Oh, what if they don’t like me? What if they don’t pick me? What if they laugh at me? What if they yell at me? What if they think I’m stupid/ugly/fat/boring?”

Fear of abandonment. Have you ever been fearful of someone withholding love from you? Maybe you think that if you don’t act a certain way or behave in a specific manner, people will leave you. This fear, like all fears, gets instilled in us when we are young.

Fear of humiliation or embarrassment. I’ve helped numerous people eliminate panic and anxiety attacks, and I’ve learned that it’s not so much the fear of dying that scares people when an attack occurs. Instead, they were more afraid of having an attack while in public and being completely humiliated in front of others.

This fear is also the main reason for the fear of public speaking. If you get on stage and give your presentation to a bunch of empty chairs, it’s no big deal. Fill those seats with an audience, and the heart starts pounding. Why? Because what if you choke and people think you’re an idiot? Most often, you already think there’s something incompetent about you, which is why you would care so much about others’ opinions in the first place.

Fear of failure. This comes back to the fear of being rejected, other people withholding their love or leaving you, being humiliated or embarrassed, and ultimately, not being good enough. You might think the common thread that links all these fears together is how others view you. Yet, what matters in the end is how you view you.

Fear of not being good enough. Stated differently, this would be the fear of being unworthy. This is the self-limiting belief that drives all others. “I’m not good enough. People won’t like me.” Or, “I’m not good enough and that’s why people will reject or abandon me.” “I don’t deserve to be happy/successful/rich.”

This basic insecurity is unique to the human race. Out of the entire animal kingdom, humans are the only creatures who feel they are lacking in some way. And we’re supposed to be the most intelligent of the species.

“You might think the common thread that links all these fears together is how others view you. Yet, what matters in the end is how YOU view you.”

Transformation Exercises:

How to Eliminate 5 FearsThat Get In Your Way

When you handle fear in specific ways, you’ll be able to make these fears work to your advantage so that instead of being held back, you become stronger than ever.

No More “Mind Reading!”

Most of the fears you have regarding how others view you are made up. A simple glance in your direction can be given a hundred different meanings based on the beliefs you have about yourself and others (does he want to eat the orange or pelt me with it?). That glance can be taken as confrontational, suspicious, harmless, flirtation, courteous, or in any of dozens of other ways. If you’re afraid that someone’s not going to like you or that they’re going to think something’s wrong with you, it’s usually because of how you feel about yourself and not based on how this person actually feels.

It’s like the guy who asked the realtor how the neighbors were in the new neighborhood. The realtor asked, “How are the neighbors in the old neighborhood?” The guy replied, “They are friendly.” The realtor said, “You’ll find the new neighbors to be the same way.” If the guy would have said, “They’re kind of snobby,” the realtor may have replied, “You may find that here as well.” Now any realtor I know wouldn’t actually have said that, but the point is that you will always find what you’re looking for. If you look for the best or worst in others, you will eventually find it.

Because people are better at talking than at listening, we tend to do a lot of “mind reading.” A little game is played where instead of clarifying what another may mean while in a conversation, you become psychic and assume you know exactly what was meant, especially when you’re in an argument. Much of the time, when you assume to know what somebody else is thinking, you’ll be wrong. We think we’re experts, but research has shown that we are often mistaken.

Remember the old adage “To assume makes an ass out of u and me.” The biggest problem with assuming is that we assume the worst. When someone makes a comment and you’re not sure what the intention was, do you automatically assume it was positive? Most will say no. Because of your insecurities, you’ll begin to internally decode the meaning of what someone has said or done without actually asking them what was meant.

Most arguments erupt when people stop responding to others and instead begin reacting based on what’s being triggered within themselves. People get so caught up in their own issues and imaginations that they stop trying to understand where another is coming from or what another is trying to communicate.

These negative feelings that get triggered stem from the five universal fears we just discussed. The irony is that you spend so much time fretting over how others are judging you, while others are actually more concerned with how you are judging them!

Again, instead of focusing so much on the words and deeds of others, its time you redirect attention toward how you can continually make yourself feel loved, accepted, confident, and secure. Once you decide you can no longer be rejected by others, you won’t be. People may try to reject you, but it won’t matter. They’ll look silly in your eyes.

Imagine a perfect stranger coming up to you and saying, “I don’t like you and I never want to talk to you again!” Would you immediately feel crushed, or would you think that this person should be heavily medicated? If you don’t give someone else power over how you feel about yourself, they can’t use it against you. As Eleanor Roosevelt once stated, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

It all comes down to how you label (interpret) what’s happening. If someone leaves you and you label it as a tragedy, it will feel that way. If, however, you look at the situation and think “good riddance,” you will feel relieved or excited.

You and you alone are responsible for how you feel in any given situation. Others do not have the power to make you feel one way or another. They may influence your decision, but you always have the final say over your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Because emotions can be felt faster than you can become aware of the thought process that preceded them, you may think others do have the power to hurt or control you. But this is false!

As your beliefs become stronger and more empowering, you’ll become more conscious of your inner dialogue, your self-talk, which will give you the ability to choose how you’re going to feel at any given moment.

The point is that after reading this book, you will no longer be able to say, “You make me so mad!” because this is a false statement. A more accurate statement would be, “I’m making myself feel angry based on how I’m interpreting your words and actions.” Hearing yourself say that out loud might actually be enough to interrupt your anger pattern.

If you want to learn even more strategies for interrupting unhealthy patterns of behavior and how to feel empowered within seconds, you can discover them in my audiobook entitled, Emotional Mastery: How To Turn Fear Into Power! Guess where it’s available? That’s right! Timshurr.com

The following stories illustrate many of the points we’ve just covered. Although these are primarily stories that help sales professionals overcome specific challenges, you will be able to get many insights from them. Enjoy!

Eliminate Networking Jitters

Joann came to me because she had a terrible time networking at Chamber functions. She was very charismatic and confident in a one-on-one situation at her office. Yet, whenever she thought about attending an after-hours event at the local Holiday Inn, she froze. I asked her what went through her mind as she pictured herself going to a networking event. She replied, “I keep wondering what the others think of me. I’m afraid that I’m going to meet someone and suddenly not know what to say. We’ll both be standing there with nothing to say, and they’re going to think I’m an idiot.”

I asked Joann if she thought others at this event might feel the same way she did. She replied that there probably were others there who were shy or uncomfortable in networking situations. I said, “Instead of imagining that others are thinking poorly of you, perhaps you could focus on your own actions and be more reassuring of yourself. In fact, instead of trying to get others to feel good about you, perhaps you can focus on helping a couple of the other attendees feel good about themselves.”

When we take the pressure off of ourselves and stop worrying so much about what others think, it won’t matter so much anymore. Instead, focus on how you can make somebody else feel more comfortable and appreciated. When your goal is to validate another person, just because it’s a kind thing to do, I guarantee that person will leave thinking you’re a fabulous person!

Joann came back two weeks later for another session and reported that she was feeling much more comfortable about networking. “I just go in with the intention of making someone there feel really good about him or herself. I’m not even really thinking about how others are viewing me. Since I’ve been doing this, it’s been much more enjoyable. I’ve met a lot of really great people, and I’ve actually gotten more business from the Chamber than ever before.”

Eliminate Phone Shyness

How else might “mind reading” hold you back? Perhaps you find yourself putting off making phone calls or initial contacts at work. Many professionals suffer from phone shyness because of the five universal fears mentioned above. They think, “This prospect might yell at me or slam the phone down, and I just don’t need that right now.” The fastest way to overcome this is to get out of your prospect’s head and into your own. Decide what your intention for the call is. Instead of it being to make a sale, perhaps you can make the call with the intention of making a friend.

I had a coaching client named Jeff who complained of not making enough cold calls. My first recommendation was to change the language he used. “I’d have trouble making ‘cold calls’ too. Brrrr. What if instead you made money calls or warm, fuzzy, friend calls? What is your intention when making these calls?” Jeff replied, “Well, I need to make some sales, but I hate being a salesman. I just want to help people make the best decision possible with their money.” I said, “Why don’t you make that your intention? Forget about selling to someone, and instead think of how you can help this person make better decisions.

Jeff, what would have to happen in order for you to do this?” He replied, “I’d have to get to know them first to make sure that I could actually help.” “Great!” I said. “The next time you make a get-to-know-someone call, think about how you can serve the person on the other end of the telephone.

In this way you take the pressure off yourself and eliminate the fear of being rejected. After all, you can’t be turned down when you’re not selling anything.” Jeff liked the new concept and put it to use. Within two weeks, he had made more appointments to “get to know” people than he had in the previous three months.

Review: Neutralizing Fear in Seconds!

Fear of . . .

Rejection: Others can only reject you if you reject yourself, which will no longer be happening!

Often when fearing what others may think, you become indecisive. Then, instead of committing to one choice, you freeze up for fear of making the “wrong” choice. If you can get feedback from others, great. But ultimately the choice will be yours. Instead of delaying a decision, use all the information that you have available and take your best shot. And if you make the wrong choice? My advice is WHO CARES if you make the wrong decision? Learn from it and make another one!

When you decide that “others” no longer have the power to make you feel rejected or abandoned, the fears will vanish! And this is the key to your mental and emotional freedom.

Over time you will embrace these new beliefs that you are developing about yourself and others with a sense of certainty. You will know that you are worthy of experiencing a beautiful life. Each day you take action toward what you really want, and every day you will get closer to having it. You do not have to be perfect. You just have to be you, and that will always be enough.

So often, in an attempt to avoid rejection or seek approval, we try to “fit in” or become like everyone else. But the world doesn’t need a bunch of copycats or butt-kissers. The world needs a variety of people with unique talents and skills, and no matter how hard someone might try, they will never be you. Nor should you want to be someone else.

I am a big fan of Tony Robbins, and I used to imagine what it would be like to be him. I mentioned this to a friend once, and he said, “The world doesn’t need another Tony Robbins. They already have one. What this world needs is a great Tim Shurr.” That comment made me feel really good and I haven’t wanted to be anyone else since. The world doesn’t need a bunch of Tim Shurr’s either. But the world does need you; the best version of YOU that you can become.

“I spent so much time trying to be somebody.
Then it hit me. I already am somebody.
Now life is much more enjoyable.”
Joe Morris

Abandonment: One of my favorite quotes comes from A Course in Miracles (Schuchman, Foundation For Inner Peace, 1975.) “If you knew who walked beside you every step of the way, you would never be afraid.” As long as you decide to always be there for yourself and keep a strong relationship with your Creator, you’ll never be alone again. If someone leaves you, good riddance. People who are good for you will stay.

The next time you’re feeling down or fearful, imagine standing on a high mountain soaking in the light! Let it remind you that you are a part of something bigger than yourself. “If you knew who walked beside you every step of the way, you would never be afraid.” Meditate on this thought, and believe that it’s absolutely true.

Your Creator is with you at all times. Let this idea resonate deep within your soul. The more faith you can conjure during your times of weakness, the more you will be able to remember that no matter what happens in your life, you will be okay. You will continue to thrive, to shine, and to live your life on your terms.

Humiliation/Embarrassment: One kid drops his lunch tray and runs out of the room. Another kid drops his lunch tray and takes a bow. The second kid chose not to make mountains out of molehills. What will you choose?

I read a story about two equally good entertainers who had very different viewpoints about going out on stage. One felt the adrenaline coarse through her veins, which made her feel panicky and shut down. “What if I go out there and forget the lyrics?” As a result, she hated doing live performances. The other performer said, “I love that rush of excitement and nervousness that I get right before running out on stage. It gives me the energy and the juice to go out there a put on a killer show!”

These two entertainers experienced the same chemical rush; however, their interpretations of it were quite different, and so were their outcomes.

Failure: There’s no failure, only feedback! (If I say that often enough, it’ll stick.) If you’re driving and you get lost, do you throw the car in park and say, “I guess I have to live here now”? No, you just turn around and make another choice. Sometimes you might even ask for directions. Getting lost gave you feedback on where not to turn. Eventually you will arrive at your destination because you keep moving toward it. Everything in life is simply feedback.

A businessman named John asked me to help him overcome his intense fear of failure. “I’m afraid to take action and make decisions because I might fail.” I replied, “If you don’t take action, you definitely will fail, right? He said, “Yes, I suppose.” I said, “Okay, so you are trying to protect yourself from failing by doing things that will make you fail?” He laughed and said, “I never thought about it in that way before.” Then I said, “Let’s examine this further.”

“What would happen if you did fail?” John replied, “Well, I could lose my accounts.” “Then what?” I asked. “I could lose my business,” he said. “Then what would you do?” I asked. He replied, “Well, I’d probably go out and get loaded. Then I’d be pretty angry and maybe a little depressed.” “After you did all that, John, then what would happen?” I asked. He paused for a long moment as if really imagining this happening. Then he looked at me and said, “Then I’d stop feeling sorry for myself and start building my business up again. I did it once. I can do it again. Plus, I’m a lot smarter than I was the first time around.”

This realization was a real breakthrough for John. He was so afraid of failing that he had boxed himself into a corner. But now he realized that even if everything he feared did come true, he still had the power to come back even stronger. If you have a fear of something happening, play it out in your mind and then say to yourself, “So what if I fail. I’ll get it right the next time!”

Not Good Enough (Unworthiness): Not good enough according to whom? Your Creator thinks you’re enough. If you knew the miracles that take place within the human body to create life, you’d be amazed that any of us actually make the journey. It’s through divinity that you arrived here on Earth. God doesn’t make junk, and he made you! If someone in your life has a problem with that, it’s their problem, not yours.

When you stop chasing others’ approval or validation, which isn’t really necessary, and begin chasing your own, life will change for the better. The only reason we want others to like us is so that we can then like ourselves more. I recommend cutting out the middle person by freely giving validation and approval to yourself right now. The moment you do this, you will realize that you’ve always been enough.

Perhaps others in your life have said you are foolish or unworthy of having what you want. Hopefully you’re not buying into that crap! Even if you accepted this in the past, you don’t have to any longer! When others are held back by fear, they will project those limitations onto those around them. “If I’m not good enough, you won’t be either.” “You can’t do that! Who do you think you are?”

Your parents or peers might always be held back by fear and self-limitation. You need to become your very best anyway! You can create an amazing life in spite of the critics in your life.

You’re too powerful and brilliant to be held back. The only limits you have are the ones you give yourself. Therefore, it’s time to reach beyond what you thought you were capable of and mature into a world-class individual. Become the person you respect the most!

“The only reason we want others to like us is so we can like ourselves more. When you stop chasing others’ approval or validation, your life will improve!”

Stay the Course

Yes, bad things happen, and I’m not asking you to live in denial of this. I am asking you to avoid focusing on it. Remember the Law of Attraction! What you repeatedly focus on with emotional intensity gets drawn into your life. Thus, instead of making mountains out of molehills, remind yourself that life has a way of working out and as long as you keep your eyes locked on what you want, you’ll most likely get it!

By staying the course, you’ll also feel a deeper sense of love and connection with yourself because you were able to overcome the voice of fear that hides within us all.

Therefore, the next time you find yourself lying awake at night worrying about the future, try redirecting your attention toward what you want and allow God to work out the details. This will leave you feeling reassured, and you’ll be able to sleep. If insomnia has become a real problem for you, download a copy of my audio program, Sound Sleep. You’ll be sleeping like a baby the first time you listen to it!

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Chapter 9
Breaking Bad Habits

Imagine sitting on a cloud up in heaven. You and God are hanging out watching the people down on Earth. At times God laughs. Other times he smiles. And occasionally he shakes his head and sighs at how his children treat themselves and others. After a while, you find yourself focusing on one particular person.

This person has so much potential and ability, yet keeps acting stuck, overwhelmed, confused, and afraid. You ask God why. God replies, “I instilled within that person everything needed to create an abundant and enjoyable life. All this person has to do is ask, intend, take action, and believe.”

You can’t stand watching this person suffer when their ability to make their life extraordinary is so evident. Thus you decide to intervene. You decide to float down to Earth and help this person tap their full potential. God smiles and gives his blessings. You jump off the cloud and descend toward this person. Finally you come toe-to-toe.

Suddenly your entire body stiffens. You can’t believe your eyes when you stare into the face of this person and discover it’s you.

Whether you saw the ending to this story coming or not, it captured your full attention. Whatever you were thinking about prior to this story suddenly took backseat to what I provided you in the moment. This is an example of a pattern interrupt.

Pattern interrupts are designed to snap you out of a conditioned response. If an object is moving in one direction, it will continue to move in that direction unless an equal or greater force intervenes.

“Pattern interrupts stop unconscious habits so you can redirect your attention towards more proactive behavior!”

Have you ever been conversing with a friend and in mid sentence someone asked you a random question that had nothing to do with your present conversation? Then when you turned back to the discussion, you couldn’t remember what you were talking about? That random question completely derailed your train of thought. That’s precisely what a pattern interrupt is designed to do.

When your mind gets caught up in a stream of ideas that send you in an unproductive direction, purposefully interrupting or confusing it can prove very useful. Therefore, when you want to stop feeling a certain way, do something that interrupts or redirects your current flow of attention. Humor can be used as an excellent pattern interrupt, especially when you are feeling depressed, anxious, or angry.

Have you ever been arguing with someone and something funny hap pened or was said? Didn’t it instantly diffuse the situation? My wife and I were engaged in a passionate debate (arguing) about something and it was getting heated. Suddenly my two-year-old son climbed onto the couch I was lying on, sat on my head, and farted. That’s right! My boy cut the cheese on my forehead.

Without thinking, my wife and I burst into laughter. Moments earlier I was fuming, and just that fast I was laughing hysterically. I’m not sure if it was the tension breaker I needed or my son’s timing, but I do know it was quite an effective pattern interrupt. I haven’t tried it yet with my clients, but I’m pretty sure it’ll work!

Having a good laugh allows you to access a resourceful mental state. It’s from this state that you remind yourself, “It’s time to focus on what I can do to feel better now.”

One reason why pattern interrupts work so well is because you end up experiencing two opposing emotional states simultaneously, which cancels each other out and leaves you feeling neutral.

You can stop a self-destructive pattern of behavior in yourself and others by doing something so unexpected it causes you to become confused or head in the opposite direction, like when my son tooted on me.

Here’s an example of a pattern interrupt for those who struggle with sugar cravings. Imagine a piece of chocolate. Most think “yum.” Would you like a piece of chocolate right now? Sure. Now imagine that piece of chocolate being splattered in bird poop. Do you still want that piece of chocolate? How about if we wiped the bird poop off the chocolate? You’re still probably thinking, “No thanks.” We interrupted your desire for chocolate by changing the way you thought and felt about it.

Typically pattern interrupts are not permanent, so eventually the desire for chocolate will return. Yet, they do provide enough time for you to make a decision that will positively affect you over time.

Transformation Exercise:

My Favorite Pattern Interrupt

The following is a pattern interrupt I use on a regular basis. It will instantly put you in a good mood, and it’s the fastest way to get someone else feeling good too! To pull this off correctly, you will need a mirror. I can almost hear you moaning. Just go find a mirror! Any size will do.

Okay, I’m trusting that you have located a mirror. Continue with this exercise and follow my instructions without analysis. Take a deep breath and then flash the biggest, cheesiest smile you can muster at your mirror! Do this now! You should be able to see every tooth in your head. Come on! Smile bigger! CHEESE! Even bigger! SMILE and hold it for ten seconds!

Great! How do you feel? Did you start laughing? When the ten seconds were up, did you find yourself still smiling, even when you knew it was time to stop? You already know how useful humor is, and this is an excellent technique for getting you to lighten up, especially under pressure. This works even better when you’re out in public!

The next time you’re driving around town or walking down the street, flash the biggest smile you have to someone. In most cases, it will cause the person to smile back at you in the same way. It’s hilarious! I’ve flashed my big cheesy smile to people who looked like they could turn you to stone with one glance, and their whole demeanor changed. They’d start smiling back or say hello because I interrupted that person’s stress pattern. Yes, some people will think you’re a freak, but heck, that’s half the fun!

Smiling is a fantastic pattern interrupt because it floods your bloodstream with endorphins, your body’s natural morphine. You instantly get a thousand-dollar dose of feel-good medicine absolutely free every time you smile and hold it (for at least five seconds). Smiling feels good, it’s good for you, and it can even make you wealthier!

I had a client who was a genius in the field of finance, yet he never smiled. It took me two weeks to convince him to smile more when working with prospects and clients. When he finally implemented this one piece of advice, his revenue immediately increased by 30 percent! People respected his abilities, but they also wanted a personal connection, which is hard to feel when you won’t even smile.

Later my client said, “My wife has been telling me to smile for years. I don’t want to think about all the money it cost me because I didn’t listen to her.”

Throughout the remainder of this book, I will be asking you, requiring you, to smile. When I do, your mission is to SMILE as BIG as you possibly can. If someone sees you, even better! Also, whenever you see this symbol ☺, it will be your cue to SMILE BIG! Let’s practice once more together, shall we? ☺

Did you do it? If so, great! Thanks for following through. The main reason certain people are successful is because they follow through. If you can’t follow through on a task as simple as smiling, the odds of you getting anything you really want in life are slim. You must give to receive, and you will only get back what you put forth. If it seems like I keep harping on this point, it’s because I am. I can give you all the strategies and insights in the world, yet if you do not apply them, they’re worthless!

Even though I’m sure you are following through, let’s practice this simple pattern interrupt once more. “Repetition is the mother of all skills!” Ready, SMILE and hold it for ten seconds! ☺

Fantastic! Take the time now to plan for the next time you need a pattern interrupt. Go online and search “funny animal photos” or a similar topic that you know will give you a chuckle.

In your notebook . . .

Write down Web URLs where you can quickly locate your favorite pattern interrupts. When you need a good pattern interrupt, use one.

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Chapter 10
Being Perfect Is Not Necessary—Being Yourself Is

Let’s make a distinction between getting something right and getting it “perfect.” Getting something right means it’s good enough. You’ve done well. Going beyond that to get it “perfect” could eventually land you in the hospital. Doing your best is admirable. Being a perfectionist is a form of self-sabotage.

Perfectionists have a motto: “If it’s not done perfect, I’m not going to do it at all.” Most perfectionists don’t accomplish much as a result of this. But here’s what’s really going on. Perfectionists have tremendous fear of scrutiny. They are afraid of being judged, and they suffer from the fear of not being good enough, or of screwing up and disappointing others. That’s why they strive to be perfect. Sadly, even when things are done perfectly, it still isn’t good enough in the eyes of the people (usually parents) who conditioned the perfectionist to act in this manner in the first place.

Perfectionists tend to have had one (or two) overly critical parents growing up who critiqued, rejected, or constantly made fun of their efforts. Unfortunately for those who had parents like this, it wouldn’t matter if your name was Michelangelo and you just painted the Sistine Chapel. That critical parent would have said, “It’s just too big. You should have made the pictures smaller. Besides, now my neck hurts from looking up!”

You can’t please people like this because they are not please-able. It’s not about you; it’s about how they feel about themselves and their own inadequacies. They projected their own fears and limitations onto you, and because you were an impressionable young kid, you soaked them right up.

Even if you had good parents who really tried to do the best they could with what they knew, critical comments that weren’t meant to be mean or painful can still be misinterpreted and absorbed unconsciously as a child. Behind almost every problematic behavior or emotional disorder, you can find some type of negative belief that was intentionally or unintentionally installed by a parent, a belief that still powerfully influences people’s lives as adults.

“Behind almost every problematic behavior, you can find some type of negative belief that was intentionally or unintentionally installed by the adults who surrounded us as children.”

Charlene came to me because she wasn’t able to clean her home. It wasn’t that she couldn’t clean her house. In fact, she was an incredibly organized person who had no problem helping others clean and organize their residences. She just froze and shut down when it came to cleaning her own.

I hypnotized Charlene and regressed her back to the original situation or event that seemed to be most responsible for this behavior. She immediately began describing a situation that had happened between her mother and her when she was nine years old.

“I’m in the living room and I’m watching my mother cry while she’s cleaning the house. My mother was always cleaning and the house looked perfect. You wouldn’t even know that anyone lived here. Our floors were so clean you could eat off of them, literally.”

She shifted uncomfortably in the chair. I said, “Why do you think your mind took us to this particul

ar memory?” She replied, “I think it’s because no matter how good the house looked, it was never clean enough. My mother always referred to our house as a pigsty, and I was so confused by this.”

I said, “I’m sure it was very confusing for you to look at a house that was immaculate and hear your mother call it a pigsty.”

“Did your mother require you to clean the house?” “Oh yes,” she said. “But every time I cleaned something my mother would redo it. If I washed the floor, my mother would say ‘It’s not good enough’ and then she’d rewash the floor!” “Why do you think your mother acted in this way?” I asked.

“My grandparents were really critical of my mom. No matter what she did, it was never good enough in their eyes. I guess my mom just wanted her parents’ approval and thought that if her house were perfect then her parents would love her. But that never happened, and when my grandparents finally died, my mom stopped cleaning. If you saw her house now it really does look like a pigsty.”

Charlene attributed her excellent organizational skills to her mother. But from what you just read, it’s obvious why she would be so conflicted about cleaning her own home. How her mother acted had nothing to do with Charlene. But as a child she believed it did. Now Charlene was paralyzed by the fear of not being able to get her home clean enough even if it was “perfect.” So she didn’t even try.

This is another example of learned helplessness. The good news is that we were able to transform those fears using the very techniques you’ve been learning. Charlene was able to clean her home and feel that it was finally good enough, because she was able to re-parent herself and recognize that deep down inside, she was good enough. It is this discovery that always leads to the greatest breakthroughs in people’s lives.

Many perfectionists keep an immaculate home. The tidy, spotless home becomes a metaphor or reflection of the person. “If the house is dirty, it means that I am dirty.” This is an irrational cause-effect idea, but we are not dealing with logic or rationality here. We are dealing with emotions and unconscious beliefs that shape people’s views of themselves.

The idea that if you can’t get everything done your not going to do anything at all, is a form of “all-or-nothing” thinking. Common examples of this are: If I can’t walk for thirty minutes today, I’m not going to exercise at all. If I eat one cookie, I’ve blown my diet, so I might as well eat the whole bag! I’m already ten minutes late, so who cares if I even go?

Pattern Interrupts to Halt Perfectionist Thinking

The fastest way to interrupt this type of faulty thinking is with a quick analogy. Imagine carrying a tray of glasses. One of the glasses falls off of the tray and breaks. What should you do? Set the tray down and clean up the glass? Or should you dump the rest of the glasses onto the floor? “I broke one; I might as well smash them all!”

The next time you catch yourself playing the all-or-nothing game, think about dumping over an entire tray of glasses. Hopefully this will interrupt your self-sabotaging pattern of thinking! Then replace that thought with, “If I can’t do a lot, I’ll do a little. I can always do something!”

If, in this chapter, I’m describing you, here’s your way out of this limiting pattern. First, you are not a perfectionist. You are an amazing human being who is behaving like a perfectionist. Always separate the person from the behavior. Second, add the words “according to whom?” after the idea that something has to be done perfectly. “The house has to look perfect . . . according to whom?”

You might reply reflexively, “To me.” Yet, if you dig a little further, you’ll discover that you weren’t born thinking in this way. It was instilled in you. “My home has to look perfect . . . according to whom?” According to my mother. Nothing is ever good enough. My house could be spotless and she would come over and make some kind of demeaning comment about it.”

“People who succeed refuse to let their circumstances, environments, or past decide their fate.”

Here’s the next question to ask yourself, “Why do you give a crap what she thinks?” You don’t have to live up to your mother’s standards. You’re not a child anymore. Besides, why try to be more like your mother when she’s not happy?

Remember my mottos: “Don’t learn how to become rich from poor people” and “Don’t learn how to be happy from those who are not.” Your mother has her own issues, and she’s supporting a belief that if her home isn’t perfect, then she isn’t worthy of existing. By the way, your mom wasn’t born thinking in that way either. So let’s stop passing B.S.-thinking down the family tree!

As you continue to clarify what you really want and why you want it, you’ll then discover ways of getting it without feeling the need to be “perfect.” Trust that God will deliver what you need, when you need it. You do your part, and God will do his. You don’t always have to know exactly how something will work out, because it doesn’t usually happen in the way you expect anyway.

It can be quite a relief when you cast aside self-doubt, because you realize that everything happens for a reason. There are no accidents. There are no coincidences. The universe is intelligent, and you are living in a magical world that is constantly being co-created by you and God.

Relinquish that fearful state of having to control everything by realizing you can only really control your internal reactions. Place more attention onto what you’d like to have happen and what you can control to bring it into being. Then trust that as you begin moving toward what you want, what you want will move towards you.

If you do not immediately get what you want, trust that there is a reason for it, and be thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow. It is often in our greatest moments of frustration that we suddenly stumble upon the insight that leads us to our greatest personal discoveries. Generating a stronger faith in God is all part of the process. My mentor believes strongly in developing your faith. He once said, “Some people question that there is a God. If you do not believe that there is a God, a power higher than yourself, then that makes you the God in your life. And frankly, you’re just not qualified for that position.”

It can be tempting to retreat to old habits and behaviors when life becomes challenging, yet to go backward only moves you farther from the pleasure you really desire. Keep pressing forward no matter what, and you will eventually get through anything! Being perfect isn’t everything. Being yourself is!

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Chapter 11
Stop Self-Sabotage In Its Tracks

Who’s Sitting on Your Shoulder?

You’ve probably had the experience of feeling like there are two of you in that head of yours. One voice that roots you on and the other that bullies and frightens you. Some describe this as having an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. The angel says, “Great job” and the devil says “You got lucky this time.”

Which voice becomes loudest and most believable? The one you focus on the most! Thus, your mission is to strengthen the angelic voice by paying attention to and supporting it, even if at first you don’t believe in what it says. Otherwise, that fearful, skeptical, pessimistic voice will take over, which is likely what’s already happened.

When this happens, you’ll find yourself focused on all the things that are wrong with your life. Giving attention to your problems only attracts more of them. So your focus must always be on the solution to those challenges and not the challenges themselves.

“Where your attention goes energy flows.”
~
“What you think about comes about.”

Self-sabotage: The Trap

If you constantly review all the things that are wrong or bad about you or your circumstances, it’ll only make them seem worse. Instead of using frustration as a motivator for change, it buries you in feelings of unworthiness, overwhelm, and procrastination.

Additionally, if you let the fearful inner critic take charge, it will convince you there is nothing you can do about the situation, which generates unbelievable amounts of suffering and misery, the kind that keeps you up at night worrying about the future! This is the most common cycle of self-sabotage, because this devil on your shoulder tricks you into thinking you’re a victim of your own life, and that notion is unequivocally false!

The battle cry of someone who’s fallen into this trap is: “No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. I’ve done everything and nothing ever works!” People who support this type of thinking resist taking consistent positive action because they believe “it won’t matter anyway,” and this is the real reason they haven’t changed.

A sense of helplessness and hopelessness are the major causes of depression. Depression occurs when you become certain that your past was limited and painful and therefore your future will be too.

You desire a higher quality of life. Thus, you’re going to have to rise up to the occasion despite your current situation or environment. Because every day is chaotic and busy, it’s easy to get caught up in the challenges that continually occur. For most, sadly, the goal is to get through the day, rather than use it to reach your goals.

“If you let the fearful inner critic take charge, it will convince you there is nothing you can do about the situation. It tricks you into thinking you’re helpless.”

“Depression occurs when you become certain that your future will be filled with pain and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

It’s easy to tell when you’re off course because you’ll manage life in a state of crisis rather than with passion and persistence. Instead of actively striving to reach your goals, you’ll spend time “putting out fires” or making up excuses for not following through.

How you handle obstacles reveals what you really think about yourself and others. In life there are no victims, only volunteers. Even if bad things happen to you, you must stand your ground and remember that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional!

In case you think your situation is too much for anyone to cope with, I recommend reading the story of Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who survived Auschwitz: A Man’s Search for Meaning (Perseus, 2002).

One client said, “I feel so lost because every day feels exactly the same. It’s like I’m going through the motions of living. Life is happening around me but I’m not participating in it!”

If you’re currently in the middle of this self-defeating pattern (and listening to the sabotaging devil on your shoulder), here’s how to break free. Re-focus your attention onto what your priorities are, what you want, and the outcomes you desire. (In other words, listen to the empowering angel on your other shoulder).

This is why knowing what you want, versus what you don’t want, is so vitally important. What you identify, you attract. If you continue to identify what you don’t want, that’s what you will continue to attract. For instance, if you were to say, “I want to stop procrastinating. I can’t seem to stop procrastinating and I don’t know what’s wrong with me? Can you please help me stop procrastinating?” All you’ll be able to do is procrastinate because that’s really what you’re focused on. Instead, emphasize what you really want.

“It’s not what happens, but how you interpret what has happened that makes you a victim or a victor. Both are voluntary states of mind.”

In your notebook . . .

Go back and reread what you wrote in your notebook for chapter one Power Question number four: What would you rather believe instead? (What is the opposite of this old belief?) Do this to see what you wrote to change your original self-limiting belief. Read your answers to number four out loud, and for each answer, notice (with your new level of awareness) what word(s) you keep hearing the most.

If you need to, reword your Power Question number four answers so that you repeat the word(s) you want your unconscious to focus on.

Transformation Exercise:

Eliminate Self-Sabotage

“Instead of focusing on where you’re at and what hasn’t worked, place your attention onto what you can do about it!”

For just a moment, conjure up an image of your stone with your new empowering beliefs carved into it. Then visualize yourself climbing on top of that stone. It’s like a giant mountain that you stand upon with your hands extended in the air in the sign of victory.

Now imagine these new beliefs surging up through the rock and entering the soles of your feet, moving with power through your body, and entering your magnificent brain. Feel this energy transform into a radiant light that fills your body and then exits the top of your head and extends out into the universe. Feel this beautiful light surround you as it lights up the sky. It’s as though you are sending out a new message to the universe that says, “Here I am! My time is now. I have the power. This is want I want. Send me the people, situations, and events to make it so!”

How to Stop a “Pity Party”

Nowadays, if I catch myself slipping into that old, sabotaging pattern of feeling sorry for myself (the self-sabotaging devil on your shoulder tells you there’s nothing you can do to overcome your circumstances), I quickly do the following. Please join me in this pity-party escape!

Place the back of your right hand against your forehead while extending your left hand out. Look up and exclaim in the loudest, wimpiest voice you can muster, “Poor me! I’m such a loser!” Do this now and get yourself laughing at how silly you are being!

Did you put your hands out and repeat the phrase? Make sure you do so before reading on! This exercise is another kind of pattern interrupt. It’s a highly effective tool for stopping cycles of behavior that cause pain in your life.

BE the Angel on Your Shoulder

Even if you have to fake it until you make it, you’ve got to start treating yourself like you would a dear, beloved friend. Your goal is to love, honor, support, and encourage yourself when times are good and especially when times are bad. When you accomplish this, your life will be transformed. You may still have wants and desires, but your life will also be enjoyable right now because you’re loving and supportive of yourself regardless of your circumstances.

If you don’t take this good advice, you’ll find that no matter what you are able to accomplish, you will still feel empty inside, and your inner security will continually be influenced by what what’s currently happening in your life. You have to love yourself right now, regardless of what’s happening in your life! Inner security comes from loving and accepting yourself for who you are right now. Your environment and circumstances can change, but the love and respect you hold for yourself must never waiver.

Napoleon Hill, author of the classic book Think and Grow Rich (Aventine Press, 2004) said, “What the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve.” This is true, but you have to believe it, and that means believing in yourself.

We struggle so much and get let down so many times it’s easy to think self-sabotaging thoughts like “My dreams are never going to happen” or “I’m just fooling myself.” But for those who persist and continue to believe in themselves, the dream becomes reality, and that reality is often better than you’d hoped for. Your dreams are waiting for you. We’ll discover them next together.

For more information and practical strategies for transforming your inner critic and creating a powerful success-oriented attitude beyond the strategies in this book, read The Power of Optimism! Strategies for Silencing Your Inner Critic! Timshurr.com

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Chapter 12
Achieving Your Goals & Dreams

What Do You Really Want?

Since you attract what you hold constant in your mind, it’s best to keep your desires front and center. It’s good to be rooted in reality; however, to create something new, you must first imagine what is not yet real. Everything that is now was first somebody’s dream. What is your dream?

If you want to feel successful, ask yourself 1) what being successful means to you, and 2) how will you know when you are a success? Success means something different to everyone. So does being wealthy. Having a million dollars in the bank is great, but it doesn’t make you wealthy. To me, and to many of my “wealthy” friends, it means having balance and abundance in all areas of your life. Having money without love, connection, or a feeling of significance and growth equals an unhappy person with lots of cash.

I’ve met men who felt they were wealthy, and I felt they were too, who made $50,000 a year. They weren’t millionaires. Yet they lived within their means, had lovely homes, lovely families, lovely friends, and they were lovely people. I admire these men and strive to be “lovely” like them, albeit with a bit more cash.

When I wanted to feel successful or wealthy, I’d drive through fancy neighborhoods or test drive expensive cars. I’d go to networking events and introduce myself to successful people or attend events that other like-minded individuals attended. In other words, I’d act as if I was already a success, because like attracts like. I began treating myself as a successful person, and then I became one.

It’s time to close the gap between where you are and where you want to be. You have the power and the ability to create your dream life. You can have what you want and it is okay to dream big. Many aim too low in life because they are afraid of failing. I suggest shooting for the moon. If you miss, you’ll still land among the stars! Whatever it is you want, be sure it’s so important to you that when you achieve it, it will have you dancing around for months!

Can you describe your dream life? What gets your blood pumping when you think about it? When you fantasize about what your life could be like, what drives you and why is it so exciting?

Two things probably came to mind:

You have a vague “big picture” of what you’d like. “I’d like financial freedom and more free time with my family.” This is nice, but too vague to actually attain. How much money do you actually need to be financially free? It’s less than you might think. How much free time? What would you do with that time?

“I don’t know what I want.” This is because you spend all your time focused on what you don’t want. Or, you do know what you want but fear you’ll never get it, so you think “why bother.”

Everyone has something they secretly desire. Maybe you want to lose thirty pounds, have better friends, a beachfront property, get that degree, become a black belt, or travel to Paris. The goals vary as much as people do. For some, just getting their home clean would be an amazing experience!

Consider Your Core Values

Pursuing your dream or goal (what you want) and having a vision, or purpose, for your life (why you want that dream or goal) helps you to feel like you’re on a mission. That keeps you enthusiastic about getting out of bed in the morning.

Your desires (why you want that dream or goal) are driven by your core values. Your core values determine what you are willing to spend the most time, energy, and money pursuing, and they give you the most pleasure in life. Having these driving desires can also pull you through some of the toughest times.

Choose a dream or goal where your beliefs and values are in alignment with your actions and behaviors. Knowing what you want, why you want it, and what needs to be done to have it is liberating because that gives you clarity.

“If your goals are in alignment with your values, you will be focused on activities that give you the most joy and fulfillment each day.”

In your notebook . . .

As specifically as possible, and keeping in mind your core values, write down the dream(s) or goal(s) you want to achieve. Be sure to use the positive wording you want your unconscious mind to focus on. Do this now.

The 80/20 Rule

Now that you know what you want, how will you make your dream or goal happen? Many fall victim to the 80/20 Rule: You spend 80 percent of your time getting 20 percent done. You should be spending 80 percent of your time on activities that give you the greatest amount of return for your energy and effort!

How do you get back on track? If you are wasting incredible amounts of time checking e-mail, putting out fires, or doing the work of others, you can break free from this sabotage by developing a mission statement for your life and then basing your personal and work decisions on your mission. You already know your dream or goal; that is what you want. Your mission is why you want it. It is your inner motivation for achieving your dream or goal.

Transformation Exercise:

Discover Your Mission

Answering the following questions when you feel down, stuck, or upset will help you to regain clarity about the decisions you’re currently making. These questions are so important, you need to answer them immediately before moving forward. Everything else will be based upon the answers you give.

In your notebook . . .

Write down your answers to the following questions. To define what your mission is, and to accomplish this, we ask proactive questions.

What do you want the purpose of your life to be?

How do you want to be remembered?

What kind of contribution do you want to make while you’re here?

If you have thirty seconds left to live, what would you tell your children are the most important things about life?

What brings you the most joy?

If you had lots of money and free time, how would you spend it and why?

After you have answered the above questions for yourself, review the main themes of your answers and reduce them into a simple summarization of how you’d like to live the remainder of your life. Your mission statement should include what you want (your dream or goal) and why you want it (why your dream or goal is so important to you).

Here’s a sample mission statement. “My mission is to enjoy each day, be lovingly connected with my family, help others in positive and meaningful ways, challenge myself, and create abundance so I can share it with those in need.” This is actually my mission statement. I have it printed out and hanging over my computer monitor as a constant reminder of how to spend my time.

Write your mission statement in your notebook. Take the time to do this now.

When feeling rushed or overwhelmed, I remind myself of my mission and then take action to get back on track. I take action by becoming more conscious of how I’m communicating with myself in the moment and then readjusting my focus.

“Your mission statement should include what you want (your dream or goal) and why you want it (why your dream or goal is so important to you).”

From there I adjust my decisions and then act accordingly. The process itself is simple. Remembering to follow through on the process under pressure is where it gets challenging.

Now that you have clarified what you want and why you want it, we will spend the remainder of this book on exercises that will empower you with the self-confidence and psychological resources necessary for following through until you are ultimately successful.

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Chapter 13
Take Action Now!

Hit the Ground Running

Once you 1) update your beliefs, 2) rewrite your history, and 3) hold constant in your mind the image for how you wish your life to be, the next step is to take action toward getting what you want. Whether it’s one small step at a time or an all-out charge, you have to move toward what you want. Just thinking your way to success will never work.

If your goal were to get to the end of your driveway, you would never get there just by sitting on your couch visualizing yourself there. You must get off your butt, put one foot in front of the other, and move.

Sometimes the best way to get results is by picking a direction and then taking action. Aiming is good, but sometimes what you really need is to pull the trigger. Even if you miss a lot, at least you’re firing off a couple of rounds! I train my coaching clients to do this right from the beginning.

I tell them, “The more quickly you take action on what I teach you, the better results you will get. The more you analyze what I say, question it, or procrastinate, the more time, energy, and money you will waste!” Wondering what-if is great . . . if you want your life to remain the same or get worse.

Taking action can immediately make you feel empowered. Inaction can make you feel powerless. Even if you take action for no purpose other than to make yourself feel better, which is a good reason, the end result will be positive. If, on the other hand, you want your situation to greatly improve, you’ve got to take a leap of faith. No testing the water. Just jump in and make a splash.

“Taking action can immediately make you feel empowered.”

I was on the swim team throughout high school. Every day at practice I knew the water would be freezing. The longer I delayed jumping in, the colder the water seemed to be. Eventually I learned to immediately jump in before I had time to think about it so that I could get used to the cold water faster! It created a new realization in my brain: The faster I jump in, the quicker I’ll feel better!

Zig Ziglar once said that if you throw a frog into a pan of boiling water, the frog will immediately jump out. Yet, if you set a frog in cold water and steadily increase the temperature, that frog will sit there and cook. Some people cook in their stressful lives until it eventually claims them. You will be different. You’re worth more than that, so no matter what life throws your way, just keep jumping and you’ll succeed!

By the way, a good book on jumping comes from Brian Tracy. It’s called Eat That Frog!” (Berrett-Koehler, 2002). If you had to eat a frog, the best thing to do is shove it into your mouth and swallow. The longer you stare at the frog, the worse it will be. Brian offers lots of great advice for getting and staying motivated. I highly recommend the book.

Allowing your mind to distract you will only make matters worse. Even when your beliefs are positive and well-intentioned, your mind can still act like a distracted toddler at times. This is when you need to stand in your power, realize that excuses and justifications are creating pain in your life, and that you’re not putting up with it any longer! As you repeatedly do this, your unconscious will get the message and begin doing it for you! When that happens, it’s a whole new ballgame! Take action now!

You want your unconscious mind thinking, “My new goals are a must! I’m not going to try any longer, nor am I going to hope it works. Instead, I’m going to make it happen! I will persist until I succeed, and I will succeed if I persist long enough! There is no other option but success, and I am ready for it!”

“I will persist until I succeed, and I will succeed if I persist long enough!”

Triumph is made up of one part “tri” and nine parts “umph!”

When people use words like “try” and “hope,” you can be pretty sure that they aren’t serious about making it happen. They are just pacifying you, or themselves. If you catch yourself saying these words, immediately correct yourself by saying, “I either will or will not take this action.

Which is it going to be?” Put yourself on the spot and make yourself accountable for the actions you take. Remember, not taking action is still an action. Be responsible for your choices. Doing so will keep you empowered.

Even if you choose not to take action toward a goal immediately, at least you can feel good about making the decision that you will; you would do even better to set a starting date and hold yourself to it. People who feel helpless are still trying to pass the buck as though it’s some invisible force that’s keeping them from stepping up.

“Boats are safe in the harbor, but that’s not what they’re built for.”
Zig Ziglar

It’s their “justification of the day,” and you’re not tolerating that from yourself any longer. You’re the boss of yourself! You’re in charge of your mind! And you’re taking charge now! There’s a new sheriff in town, and it’s you, baby!

Beware of Doing Too Much Too Fast

A huge mistake that I and many of my achiever-type clients make is being in a hurry to accomplish as many goals and tasks as humanly possible thinking that it’s going to get you to the ultimate goal faster. Actually what it does is burn you out and leave you feeling as though nothing you attain is ever enough. It’s like being on an endless pursuit to prove yourself, even when you’ve already proven yourself a hundred times over.

It’s not the final destination that counts. It’s the journey you take getting there that shapes your character, positively affects those around you, and makes your final destination that much sweeter. Once you learn to enjoy the process, you won’t be in such a rush to get where you’re going. This will take the pressure off, and things will go much smoother for you.

Besides, the only destination that’s final is death, and I’m not in a hurry to get there! Living life in the fast lane gets you to the end quicker! I see this pattern running rampant in big organizations and small businesses alike. Businesspeople scramble all day trying to force their success. I’m an absolute believer in hard work and charging forward, yet I’ve also learned to go with the flow. There’s a time for action and a time to allow your actions to take effect.

If you plant a tomato seed and then check the next day expecting a tomato, you’ll be disappointed. Some things take time to grow. Sticking to the tomato analogy, even when nothing seems to be happening on the surface, an entire root system is forming within the dirt. With persistence, time, and energy, you will eventually be rewarded with a juicy, ripe tomato.

Experience teaches when to take action and when to be motivated to take a break. A young surfer in California once told me that life is a lot like surfing. “Dude, with time you learn to swim after the wave you want. Yet it’s just as awesome floating in the water waiting to catch your next ride.”

Have you ever had a day where you worked your butt off but felt that nothing was accomplished? That’s a frustrating feeling, and it’s usually a sign that you need to “float” for a while until you are clear again about what’s most important.

“No one was born wise. It comes from making more good choices than bad choices, and learning from each.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Distractions: Challenges to Triumph Over

Think of distractions as life’s way of testing you to see if you will stick to your original plan or become sidetracked. It’s as if God is saying, “How bad do you really want this?” If he sees you are sincere and willing to persist even when it gets difficult, he will show you the way. When you put forth your plan with sincerity in your heart and tenacity in your step, God provides the opportunity each step of the way.

Run with Blinders On

Don’t concern yourself with having to know what every single step will be until you reach your goal. It’s impossible to know. Be a Thoroughbred; run with blinders on. As Art Leidecker, a successful businessman, once told me, “Just get started, make your

best choice at the time, and correct on the fly.”

In other words, as you begin taking action, the next couple of steps will present themselves on cue. You can drive all the way from New York to Los Angeles in thick fog and still arrive safely. You might not be able to see more than ten feet ahead of you, but if you keep the car moving and watch for the signs that guide you, eventually you’ll get there!

If you set a goal to exercise for ten minutes each day starting tomorrow morning, set the alarm and place your gym shoes next to the bed. If you’re going to get on the treadmill, then go downstairs and take all the laundry off of it. Do something that reinforces your commitment to following through right away! Take action now.

Two Factors That Guarantee Results

Regardless of whether it’s a holiday, vacation, or a parent ends up in the hospital, your goals remain the same. They do not change because other things come up. It’s following through in spite of life’s distractions that mold you into the person you wish to become.

Why do only 5 percent of the population actually experience their dream lives? Because 95 percent of the world lacks the understanding and maturity to 1) apply what they learn, and 2) persist until they succeed.

“Never leave the sight of setting a goal without first taking some form of positive action toward its attainment.”
Tony Robbins

The deciding factors between whether you will get what you want or not is how well you are able to apply and persist. You can have all the wisdom and talent in the world, but if you don’t apply the knowledge you acquire and stick with your goals until you reach them, it won’t matter!

When people struggle to reach a goal, they often over-estimate how much effort and energy they are putting in. For example, have you ever thought, “I’ve tried everything to achieve this goal.” Be honest. Is it even possible to try everything? No. In fact, you have likely only attempted a few things that resembled the same approach, and only for a short period of time, thirty days or less.

There was once a man who had many reasons to give up his dream. He failed at business at age thirty-one. Then he decided to run for political office. He ran for legislature at thirty-two, and was defeated. He was then elected to legislature at thirty-four, but his sweetheart died at thirty-five. He had a nervous breakdown at age thirty-six. He ran for speaker at thirty-eight; he was defeated.

He ran for electorate at forty and was defeated again. He then ran for congress in 1843 and was defeated again. Finally he was elected to congress in ’46, but he was defeated for congress in ’48. He ran for senate in 1850; he was defeated. He ran for vice president in ’56 and was defeated. He ran for senate in ’58 and was defeated. In 1860 he ran for president of the United States. He won. His name? Abraham Lincoln. This was his journey.

Abe had more reasons than anyone to give up. He was from a poor family, born into disadvantage. But he didn’t let that stop him. He kept marching forward anyway and became one of the greatest presidents of the United States. Yes, after all that, he still got shot in the head, but that’s beside the point. ☺ Many would have thought Abe to be a terrible failure, but we continue to salute him to this very day because he never gave up. He kept marching forward in pursuit of his dreams.

It is time for you to do the same. You will persist until you succeed, and in doing so, you will. Refuse to be the miner who stopped digging six inches short of the gold. You never know when that fantastic break is going to happen for you. So make that one extra telephone call. Go for that one extra walk. Take that one extra risk, and make the difference in your life. You’ll always be glad you did.

Two factors that guarantee results:
1) Apply the knowledge you acquire and 2) Stick with your goals until you reach them.

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Chapter 14
Attitude Is Everything

Many will say they want to be happy and successful, but very few will actually step up and do what it takes to become a happy, successful person. There’s a reason why getting what you want requires energy. It’s the process of getting what you want that actually shapes your character in a way that makes the results possible. Without this journey, you won’t be able to sustain the results you’ve achieved.

People who use invasive surgery or fad diets to lose weight often gain it all back within six months. Four out of five multi-million-dollar lottery winners find themselves right back where they started financially within five years. These people didn’t earn the right or gain the maturity to become “successful” in this way.

Think of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. She had the power to return home the entire movie. Yet she would not have believed it were possible even if Glenda (the good witch) had told her this. She needed the journey to Oz to rediscover herself. Along the journey, she met characters that represented courage, heart, and a stronger mental attitude. Although Dorothy originally thought that the wizard was the one who would ultimately save her, she eventually discovered that the real wizard (power) resided within her.

With this new knowledge, she was able to confront and overcome her fears through defeating the Wicked Witch and return home again. When she did finally get back to Kansas, she was able to finally appreciate those around her at a deeper level. The people and her surroundings had not changed, but she had, and that was what made all the difference.

You are on a magical journey too. Even though you too have the power and “magic” within you, it’s in the journey that you will find all your dreams coming true. Therefore, instead of resisting or complaining about the challenges or uncertainties you face, embrace them with a spirit of adventure, and know that whatever you experience in life will only make you stronger in the years to come. It’s all about attitude.

The stronger your PMA, positive mental attitude, the easier your life will be. This chapter will help you to strengthen yours.

The Power of You

How would you describe your attitude? Optimistic or pessimistic? Is your glass half full or half empty? The word attitude is used to describe the basic assumptions you’ve made about the nature of life.

We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law: If it can go wrong, it will. Yet Murphy actually hated that quote because it left out the second, more important part. What he meant was that if something can go wrong, plan for it so that you’re prepared.

The only challenge with this statement is that if you are constantly looking for problems, you’ll constantly be finding them. It’s smart to troubleshoot situations, yet be cautious that you’re not setting up negative self-fulfilling prophecies, as we’ve already discussed.

You probably display both optimistic and pessimistic attitudes, depending on the situation. The goal is to maintain a positive, realistic attitude with an expectation that things will work out for the best. Believe this is true, and it will become so for you!

You were not born with the attitude you now have. It was learned and shaped through your upbringing and life experience. This means that you can trade in your old attitude for a new one if it will improve your life!

I first heard the following tale from Zig Ziglar, an incredibly motivating human being. It illustrates the main difference between an optimist and a pessimist and the kind of life each will have.

A father with good intentions was raising his two seven-year-old boys. Both were good kids, but they had polar opposite attitudes. One of the boys was an extreme optimist. It didn’t matter what was happening, this kid looked at the bright side of things. His brother, on the other hand, was extremely pessimistic. No matter what the situation, he found the negative in it. The boys’ father eventually decided it wasn’t good for his boys to be so extreme one way or the other. One night, while his sons were sleeping in their separate bedrooms, he initiated the intervention.

The father snuck into his pessimistic son’s room and placed brand new toys all over the floor. Lots of packages and new toys to play with surrounded the bed. “This ought to cheer him up!” the father thought to himself. Next, he snuck into his optimistic son’s room and poured horse manure all over the floor. As he piled up the stinky piles of horse poop, he thought, “This ought to calm him down a bit.” Then he washed up and went to bed.

The following morning the father awoke to his pessimistic son crying. He ran into his pessimistic son’s room and discovered the boy sitting in front of a pile of unopened toys. The father asked, “Son, what’s the matter?” His sobbing boy looked up at him and said, “Daddy, oh, Daddy. I can’t play with any of these toys! What if I break one?” His father was dumbfounded and then heard his optimistic son yelling and laughing in the other room.

As the father entered his optimistic son’s room, he found him jumping head first into the horse manure. The shocked father exclaimed, “Son, what are you doing?” The boy replied, “Daddy, oh, Daddy. I know there’s a pony in here somewhere!”

Some find this tale funny. Others think it’s a crappy story. I suppose it all depends on your attitude. Let’s review what you’ve learned thus far.

First, your attitude will determine the quality of life you have. Second, your attitude is a choice. It’s not something you are born with, but rather something you support. At any time, you can support a more successful attitude. Even though humans are born with certain temperaments and dispositions—some are introverted while others are extroverted—how you approach life is still a choice!

“Your attitude will determine the quality of life you have. At any time, you can support a more successful attitude.”

What you need to learn next is that optimism and pessimism are actually only two of the four attitudes I see people support. The boy who was splashing around in the horse manure would not actually be classified as an optimist in my opinion. Instead, I’d say he was more of a dreamer.

The Four Attitudes:

Dreamer

Optimist

Troubleshooter

Pessimist

Dreamers tend to have their heads too far in the clouds. They are cheery and good-natured yet not grounded in reality. If a dreamer were sitting in a sinking boat he’d say, “I’ve been wanting to go for a swim!”

Optimists are solution-oriented. They realize the gravity of the situation and begin seeking out the best possible outcomes. Optimists keep their eyes to the sky but their feet on the ground. If an optimist were sitting in a sinking boat he’d say, “We are going to be fine. Let’s look for a way to repair the boat or send a signal for help.”

Troubleshooters are often mistaken for pessimists, but they are not. Troubleshooters pay attention to details and look for potential problems. But they don’t get stuck there like pessimists do. Instead, they look for things that could go wrong so they are prepared.

If a troubleshooter were sitting in a sinking boat he’d say, “That patch won’t work and the water’s too cold to stay in it long. This boat is going to sink. I better find another way to keep us from drowning.”

As dreamers keep their heads too far in the clouds, pessimists might as well be six feet underground! They focus on the worst and get stuck on the problem itself. Their overall outlook is bleak, and they play the role of victim or blamer. If a pessimist were sitting in a sinking boat he’d say, “We are all going to die. I knew this would happen!”

Although I refer to people as dreamers, optimists, troubleshooters, and pessimists, this is not who they are. It is an attitude they are supporting. Just like if you break your arm, it doesn’t make you a broken arm. It’s just something that’s going on with you at the moment.

In case you’re not convinced that your attitude is what separates the “have’s” from the “have not’s,” here is the latest scientific research on Optimism and Pessimism.

Optimism VS Pessimism

Optimists are solution-oriented. They perceive problems as challenges or opportunities in disguise. They believe there’s a brighter side to any situation. Granted, some situations make it difficult to find the silver lining. Yet optimists realize that if it’s a 50/50 decision to feel good or bad, they choose to feel good. You should too!

Pessimists, on the other hand, are problem-oriented and get fixated on the problem itself. Instead of looking for ways to learn or resolve the situation, they complain about it or feel sorry for themselves. Pessimists go through life expecting the worst and often experience it because of their lack of accountability.

“Optimists find solutions to problems.Pessimists only find problems.”

After thousands of research studies, sociologists have unveiled what optimistic people have known all along. Optimists are found to be twice as healthy, happy, and wealthy compared to people who support pessimistic attitudes. Optimists are often great achievers and are also more successful in their endeavors. This is likely because they look for solutions and positive outcomes, and thus, find them.

People who support an optimistic attitude are more productive, creative, and motivated professionally, and they report higher job satisfaction. They also tend to be more understanding and confident in relationships, both at work and in their personal lives. Optimists exhibit an internal locus of control, which means they report having personal power and a strong influence over what happens in their lives. This creates greater feelings of peace and a sense of mental, emotional, and spiritual balance.

People who support a pessimistic attitude report having more health problems, lower energy, and reduced vitality. They complain of feeling more depressed, overly stressed, and frustrated compared to their counterparts. They tend to make a lot less money as well and are often skipped over for promotions.

They procrastinate more often because “it’s not going to make any difference anyway.” They miss deadlines, have more career changes, and complain of being disillusioned by each new employer. They worry constantly and are fearful and skeptical of others. They take fewer chances (risks) and are overly critical of themselves and others when mistakes are made. Even when mistakes aren’t made, pessimists tend to be hypercritical of themselves and others.

People who support a pessimistic attitude also seem to attract more “bad luck” and disappointments into their lives because this is where their attention is focused. What you focus on, you find. If you go through life only looking for problems, you’ll find problems wherever you look. Solutions will also be available, but pessimists won’t see them because they don’t believe a solution exists, or at least that one doesn’t exist for him/her.

Pessimists have a strong external locus of control, meaning they believe life happens to them and they have no control over the outcome. The unconscious payoff is, “If I’m not responsible for anything that happens, then I don’t have to take responsibility for anything either.” This gives you a free pass to continue behaving immaturely rather than facing your fears, putting effort into making things better, and growing as a result. Thus, they end up sabotaging themselves.

You may have friends or relatives who are like this. They constantly complain about the same issues while ignoring good advice. For those of you frustrated by these people, know that they wouldn’t behave in this manner if there weren’t a positive intention behind it. Every action has a positive intention at the root of it, even if the behavior seems insane.

Perhaps they get to continue playing the victim, blame another for their life, or feel a sense of certainty or connection with themselves through remaining angry or hurt. Of course, this occurs unconsciously, meaning they are not aware of what’s driving their immature behavior.

Overcoming the Pessimism of Others

Many pessimists, even if they are aware of their attitude, still don’t have a clue as to how to change the way they feel or behave. Awareness of pessimism does not create change. The best way to help your annoying friends and relatives is to give them a copy of this book. If people do the best they can with what they know, this book will increase the “know” part for them.

Here’s one more tip for stopping people from wasting your precious time with their endless tirades of self-pity. Whenever you’ve had enough of their whining, abruptly interrupt him/her and start feverishly complaining about your own problems. Go on a tangent. Talk loud and fast and make it appear like you have no intention of stopping for quite some time!

Pessimists are lousy listeners, and they aren’t interested in hearing about your problems when their own are so important. When you start in, they will suddenly find some reason for why they have to let you go and the conversation will be over! Then you can sit back and enjoy how devilishly clever you are.

Perhaps with this newfound information, you will be even more committed to supporting an optimistic, or troubleshooting, attitude since it’s statistically proven to make your life better. Yet, you might be thinking, “I’ve supported all four attitudes at one time or another.”

That’s true, and we all have. You may, for example, be very positive in certain areas of your life and switch to total pessimist in others. I’ve met very competent, successful businessmen and women who were extremely optimistic about their careers. Yet when it came to their weight problem they were complete pessimists!

It’s easy to feel optimistic when things are going well, but how do you respond to life when it becomes stressful? Do you dwell more on the problems or obstacles at hand when life puts the squeeze on you? Do you begin worrying or become more critical of yourself? Do you start complaining or distracting yourself with food, cigarettes, alcohol, or TV?

Do you get overwhelmed easily or lose your temper and point the blame? Maybe you feel beat up by life and catch yourself thinking, “No matter what I do, nothing seems to work out.” In other words, ongoing challenges may have made you pessimistic.

A Positive Self-Attitude: A Matter of Focus

The thoughts you choose to focus on can either raise your self-attitude or plummet it. They can either strengthen you or destroy you. I worked with Sally, a client who was very upset about an interaction she had with an employee. Sally asked, “Why do I focus on this one person when I get along so well with everyone else?” I replied, “How often did you repeat the words and visualize the movie in your head regarding this employee you had the confrontation with?” Sally said, “I don’t know. I can’t seem to get it out of my mind. I just keep playing the situation over and over again.” I said, “And how many times did you replay the words and images of all the wonderful things that the other employees have said and done for you?” Sally replied, “I haven’t done that at all.”

The real reason why you do nine things really well and focus on the one that didn’t go so well is because you are focusing on that one thing, and that is detrimental to your self-attitude! You need to continually redirect your mind toward the nine things you did great. I told Sally to begin actively thinking about the other employees who treated her really well. I also taught her one more trick.

“Sally, I want you to put this person you had trouble with in the palm of your hand. Shrink this person down so that he is standing two inches tall. Then imagine him saying all those critical things but now he sounds like Mickey Mouse.” Sally imagined this and immediately started to grin. Then she said, “I want to crush him.” I replied, “Go ahead.” Sally proceeded to squish him with both hands. “Good, Sally, now throw him over your shoulder and put this whole situation behind you where it belongs.” She threw her hand over her shoulder and took a deep breath in. “I feel much better now. I feel much more in control again.”

Sometimes adjusting your attitude takes both dealing with the situation that’s upsetting and redirecting your focus onto something more positive and empowering. Mostly people try to do one or the other without much success. Do both and you will succeed. With that much positive attitude, nothing will stop you from achieving your goals, no matter what the obstacles! Remember the ruby slippers!

Looking at Life from a Different Perspective

For the upcoming exercise, you are going to be introduced to a technique called reframing. If you take an old picture and put it in a new frame, it looks better. You’re going to do the same thing with past memories that have been holding you back or keeping you stuck. As you change the way you remember, or interpret, the past, it will also change the way you feel about it.

“Adjusting your attitude takes both dealing with the situation that’s upsetting and redirecting your focus onto something more positive and empowering.”

One of the easiest ways to change the way you experience something is through modifying its submodalities. This is just a fancy term for describing the characteristics that form your inner representations. With Sally, I had her imagine changing the submodalities of the employee she had trouble with. She made him smaller and she raised the pitch of his voice to sound like a mouse. Here are some other characteristics you can modify that will change the way you feel about something.

You can make an image, sound, or feeling: brighter, darker, louder, softer, taller, shorter, closer, farther, softer, harder, rougher, smoother, sweeter, or sourer. Changing a location of something by imagining it either in front or behind you will also change the way it feels. I had Sally “throw” the employee behind her so that he was no longer in her face.

In the next exercise, I’m going to have you think about something from your past that may be holding you back now. It could have been a time when you felt hurt, betrayed, embarrassed, humiliated, or rejected. It could be a memory of something a person said or did. Or perhaps think of something you wanted to have happen, but it didn’t.

During my first experience with this particular exercise, I recalled a memory of a seminar I did seven years earlier. It was my first big seminar and I choked. When I think about this memory now, it seems silly and it wasn’t that big of a deal. But for a long time, it was a huge deal to me, and I almost quit speaking publicly because of it.

I was hired by a brand name company to provide a training seminar for its regional managers in Illinois. I remembered starting the program with my usual jokes and stories that always got people laughing, but on this occasion, everything seemed to bomb. Nobody even smiled. Most just stared down at their notebooks as though they hadn’t slept in weeks. Because of my inexperience with this type of crowd, I panicked and rushed through all my best material hoping something would inspire them.

After what seemed like days, we took a break and I dashed into the hallway to hide. It was then that I realized I had delivered my entire program and we were only half way through the seminar! I still had an hour and a half and no material! This is probably why I now make sure to have twice the material for every seminar I provide. Hire me for an hour and I guarantee I’ll have three hours of material, just in case.

My wife had accompanied me as my assistant at this event. If it weren’t for her “talking me down” in the hallway, I might have snuck out of the building. I was so embarrassed and so frustrated. I suddenly felt completely out of my league. Everyone was cordial, and I did manage to pull off the rest of the seminar and end on a positive note. How that happened is still a mystery. But the fun was not over yet. Oh no, it got even worse than choking in front of the company execs.

After the event, we were all standing in the lobby as the valet pulled our cars around. Usually I exit the building well before any of the participants, but not this time. As the Lexus’s and BMW’s pulled up, I again went into a panic. You see, at that time I had zero money. My wife and I were just getting by. It’s the typical rags to riches story you’d read in any Chicken Soup for the Soul book. My great uncle had just passed away and, because my old car was falling apart, we bought his for $1000. It was a 1980 Chrysler Town and Country station wagon complete with wood trim. All it needed was a surfboard on top and you’d have the perfect Beach Boys vehicle.

My wife and I called it “the woody,” and we actually loved that car. It had power everything, and it all worked! The seats were so comfortable it was like driving your couch around town. But it was ugly and there was no denying it, especially when you parked it next to a Mercedes, which is exactly what happened.

The valet pulled the woody up, parked it next to the Mercedes, and started walking toward me. One of the attendees pointed to the Mercedes and said, “That one yours?” I smiled and replied, “Not exactly.” I feebly attempted to explain that I recently bought my great uncle’s car for sentimental reasons, and although they were again cordial, we all knew I was lying. It sucked! But it wasn’t over yet! I still had to load the back of the car with all my stuff, and guess what? I had to hold the rear hatch of the car open with a broomstick! As Charlie Brown would say, “UUGGHH!”

I thought I was going to die from embarrassment, and I worried so much about what those people thought of me. I felt unworthy to present to these “successful” people, and I did a lot of “mind reading.” Even though my wife and I now laugh about this, uncomfortably so, at the time it completely shut me down. I even quit lecturing for a few months.

After a while, though, I realized that a new decision had to be made. I could let this memory destroy my speaking career, or I could somehow make it work to my advantage. I chose the latter and decided to use this story to help others feel better about their own mini disasters. I even decided to put this story into a book one day. Mission completed! Now let’s get to that exercise I promised you.

Transformation Exercise:

From Lemons to Lemonade

Here’s a quick summary of what I did to change my interpretation of (my attitude about) this humiliating memory. First, I began to interrupt the way I played this memory in my mind through altering the submodalities.

This allowed me to disconnect from the negative emotions associated to that prior experience. Then I reframed the interpretation of the memory so that instead of feeling humiliated, it became a learning experience. I learned to hone my skills, work a crowd of any type more effectively, and become well prepared. If I had those same executives in a room now, I’d rock their world!

Now let me take you step-by-step through this process so that you can create transformations in your own life. Think of a memory that you feel may be holding you back from advancing in life. Once you’ve identified one, imagine making a ten-second movie clip out of it. The memory might be longer than ten seconds, but there is usually a specific portion of the memory that is most upsetting. This one part seems to be what we focus on and replay over and over in our minds. Identify this crucial part of the memory that’s most upsetting to you.

In my particular memory, there were actually three parts: 1) the moment I cracked a joke that always got laughs and it bombed, 2) the moment I realized that I was done with all my material halfway through the seminar, and 3) when valet pulled the woody up in front of everyone. I took these three “clips” and pasted them together into one ten-second movie.

Step One: Take a moment to identify and zoom in on the most upsetting moments of a particular memory you’d like to reframe, and then create your own ten-second movie of shame. ☺ Do this now.

Step Two: The next step is to change how you play this movie in your mind through altering the submodalities, or characteristics, of the memory. Here’s one more example of this. Imagine watching the movie Jaws on a big screen TV with digital 3-D sound. Pretty intense, right? Dunn dunt. Dunn dunt. Dun-dunt-Dun-dunt-Dun-dunt-Da-DA! That music kept people from even entering bath water!

But now imagine watching Jaws with the sound muted. Is it still as scary or intense? No. Now imagine watching Jaws on a cell phone that’s sitting across the room from you. Has that altered the affect this movie has on you? Yes. When you make the movie silent, small, and distant, it lessens the intensity significantly.

To alter your memory, you’re going to play that ten-second movie clip backward very quickly in the theatre of your mind. When dealing with trauma, you want to identify the moments before and after the painful incidents where you felt safe. Before and after the seminar I felt safe. It was during the seminar that I felt insecure and vulnerable. Start at the end of the ten-second clip and reverse the movie with great speed back to before the painful incident(s) occurred.

For instance, I watched my movie clip from the end, where I was driving home from the seminar, relieved to be out of there, backward to the beginning before the seminar actually began. I concentrated on the feeling of relief that I felt from being done with the seminar and then I zipped backward as quickly as I could to the beginning of the seminar where I felt fine as well. In this way, what I was experiencing was a feeling of safety before and after.

The actual seminar was more of a blur. So when I thought about that day, I began to feel more comfortable because of where I placed my attention. I still kept all the learning’s from that event, yet I was able to let go of the terrible feelings I had once felt.

I worked with John who had complained of never being able to relax. He looked stiff as a board and he walked like Frankenstein. I used hypnosis to regress him back to ten minutes before the initial incident that caused him to become so tense. He paused for a moment, and then suddenly his entire body went loose and limp.

It was the first time I ever saw John relax, and I think it surprised him as well. I said, “John, what’s happening?” He replied, as a tear rolled down his cheek, “I’m twelve years old and playing with my old glove and baseball. I’m having a lot of fun just messing around.” I said, “John, where is all the tension?” He replied, “I don’t know. It’s just not there anymore.” I said, “Great. Soak up this relaxation, and imagine bringing it up to the present moment so that you can take it with you when you leave here today.” He imagined doing so and left my office that day feeling better than he had in years.

Sometimes just focusing on different memories will be enough to free you from your mental prisons. Thus, I want you to play this abbreviated movie clip you’ve created from the end where you felt fine, in reverse where everything moves backward, all the way to the beginning where you felt fine. As you imagine this movie running in reverse, see and hear everything and everyone moving and speaking backward.

“Sometimes focusing on happier memories or what you’re grateful for can be enough to free you from mental prisons.”

If you’ve ever rewound a VHS tape backward, you know what I mean. As you watch this movie in reverse, have it go by very quickly. It may be a ten-second movie, but you’re going to make it zip through in about three seconds.

The submodalities we’re changing are direction and speed. Running a movie backward faster than normal changes the way you experience the movie. Think back to the Jaws example. If you watched that movie in reverse very quickly, or if you sped through the scary parts, it would change the entire feeling of the movie.

Go ahead and do this five times now. Make the movie rewind faster and faster, and notice how your feelings change each time. Do this now.

Step Three: Excellent. Now run the ten-second clip backward five more times, but this time transform the picture into a silent black and white movie. Then run the clip backward five more times as quickly as you can, taking no more than three seconds to get through this clip. Focus on how much better you felt before and after the memory, and let the middle part become a blur. Do this now.

Now make one more change. As you watch this silent, black and white three-second movie in reverse, imagine viewing it on a small two-inch by three-inch television set that’s sitting across the room from you. Also pretend that this movie has been viewed so many times that the images are really fuzzy and unclear.

It’s no longer necessary to catch all the details of what happened during the movie. Just change the submodalities and run it through five more times. Notice how much more neutral you’re feeling about this movie each time. Do this now.

Very good. I’m sure this was a strange exercise for you, and it’s supposed to be. That’s what makes it so effective at scrambling the old feelings and associations you used to have. When you think about this memory now, have the feelings changed? If not, run through this exercise a few more times until it does. You can even continue to change the experience.

Instead of muting the volume, add some silly carnival music or make everyone sound like the Chipmunks! Or perhaps you can imagine a marching band entering the room and standing in front of you as the movie plays behind them. Get creative in how you alter this memory. The more you alter it, the greater your feelings about it will change.

Step Four: Once you’ve disconnected the memory from the uncomfortable feelings, it’s time to create an empowering movie to play in your mind instead. After I scrambled the old memory of the Chicago seminar, the next step was to create a movie that made me feel more empowered. I created a new movie clip of me entering that same seminar again, but this time I was ready.

I had plenty of material, my delivery was superb, and I knew how to handle every person in the room. After the seminar finished, everyone rushed up to me to say how inspiring it was. Then I strolled down into the main lobby with my wife and met up with the limousine driver who was to take us home. I watched this movie in full color and listened to it in Dolby Digital sound on a huge movie screen in regular speed directly in front of me. It was great!

If you reframed a memory in that way, do you think it will strengthen and motivate you? Heck, yes, it will! So take a few moments and create your own feature presentation where you are the hero who saves the day! What happened no longer matters. What matters is how you are going to use it to grow stronger in your life.

If someone hurt your feelings, imagine now that s/he apologizes or compliments you instead. If you were embarrassed by something, go back and imagine taking a bow instead. If the pretty girl in high school rejected you, go back and imagine her saying yes. Or imagine rejecting her. If you struck out in the big game, go back and imagine hitting a home run instead.

Think of your memories as a collection of movies. Why keep a bunch of movies that make you upset, sad, or angry? Throw those movies in the trash and replay only the movies that make you feel happy, joyful, and confident. If you have trouble recalling memories like this, take the bad memories and imagine rewriting them in the way I just recommended.

Your next important step is to begin creating some positive memories now! If your past wasn’t so great, use your empowering, positive attitude to make sure that your present and future are. The best thing about the past is that it’s over. It’s done! What you have now is an opportunity to make new choices that will have an incredibly positive impact on your life now and over time.

Plan that dream vacation, take that painting class, join a gym with a friend, take reflective walks by yourself in nature, or play more with your children. Keep focusing on what you can do now, because this is where your real power is. As they say, this moment is a true gift, which is why it’s called the “present.”

“If your past wasn’t so great, use your empowering, positive attitude to make sure your present and future are. Keep focusing on what you CAN do now, because this is where your real power is.”

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Chapter 15
Your Most Powerful Ally

Your Most Powerful Ally: Your Imagination

As you learned in the previous chapter, you can use the power of your imagination to literally rewrite your past. Any memory, past or recent, can be transformed to empower you. Use the following guidelines if you want to change the feelings associated with a particular memory.

If you want to increase the intensity of a positive emotion, take whatever you’re visualizing and make it bigger, brighter, and in more vivid color and detail. You can also turn the volume up, bring the image closer, put it right in front of you, and play it in regular speed.

If you want to lessen the intensity of a negative emotion, make the image smaller, darker, dimmer, fuzzier, tinier, farther away, and muted.

Think of the last time you got into an argument with someone. How do you imagine the person you argued with? Was s/he “in your face?” Peter complained of not feeling sexual toward his wife anymore. I asked him to think about her and describe what he imagined. Peter said, “I see her yelling at me. She’s right in my face, and her voice is loud. It makes me feel angry, like I’m a child being reprimanded.” Peter was intensifying the negative emotions by bringing the image (his wife’s face) closer, making it bigger, and increasing the volume in her voice.

I then asked Peter to remember the last time he felt sexual toward his wife. He said, “It was on a vacation two years ago. We had a really great time. But that seems like so long ago. The memory is fuzzier, and I can’t remember many of the details anymore.” Peter was lessening, or decreasing, the positive emotions by making the wanted image (and feelings) seem distant and fuzzy. He wasn’t doing any of this consciously or on purpose. This was simply how his brain was processing the information.

“If you focus on how the brain is structuring information, rather than on the actual content, you can quickly and dramatically influence your emotions without getting caught up in all the details.”

I asked Peter to make the image of his wife yelling at him seem more distant, quiet, and fuzzy. I then had him create an image of his wife that would be desirable, like her on that vacation two years back, and imagine her close and brightly. I also had him imagine that she was speaking to him softly using a sexier tone. Peter laughed at first, but then he got into it a little more, and the feelings of attraction began to return.

Marlene complained of job stress, and said her manager ruled the office with intimidation. “He’s always yelling and trying to belittle people.” I took the word belittle (be little) and used it to her advantage. “Marlene, pretend your manager is approaching you, and the closer he gets, the smaller he becomes. Imagine that he actually shrinks down to about two inches tall and you pick him up and hold him in your hand.”

Marlene did so and began to smile. I then said, “Now dress him up like a little tiny clown. Give him a rubber nose and some big shoes that honk when he walks. Then make his voice squeaky and small.” Marlene paused for a moment and then busted out laughing. “He’s trying to intimidate me, but he looks so stupid that I can’t help but laugh!” Marlene said she felt better.

One week later, Marlene waltzed into my office and announced, “You almost got me fired.” I asked why. She said with a smile, “My manager was making his usual rounds, but as he approached me, I swear I could hear his shoes honking! I started giggling, and when he asked me what was so funny, I began laughing even harder. I couldn’t help it. It’s like one of those times where it’s really inappropriate to laugh but you get the giggles anyway.”

I asked what happened next. She said, “He gave me a strange look and told me to get to work. I sat down, but I just kept picturing him with that clown nose. It was really funny. And you know what else? He didn’t come around me for the rest of the day! In fact, he’s been leaving me alone now. I guess since he isn’t getting the reaction he used to, he’s now on to the next victim.”

I don’t normally recommend laughing at your boss, or at least not in front of him. Yet this does demonstrate how powerful these mental strategies are, and you can use this information to accomplish all kinds of things. You can build more confidence and motivation, overcome fear, achieve goals, increase motivation, and more just by structuring the flow of information in your mind more intentionally.

You can hear how people are processing information just by how they speak. “I want to be successful, but success seems so far out of reach.” Well, bring it closer then! When you imagine what you want coming closer to you, it instantly makes you feel more excited and motivated. It also feels more possible and real.

How Do You Really See Yourself?

How do you actually view yourself in your unconscious mind? How do you look and behave? What do you feel you really deserve? I ask these questions because people often have very small and limited views of themselves.

When working with someone new, often one of the first questions I ask is, “When you picture yourself in your mind, how do you see yourself?” This usually confuses people, because they are not used to thinking about such a thing.

The image you have of yourself in your inner mind is actually the blueprint that your super powerful mind uses to create your reality. Would you let an architect build you a new home based on blueprints that you’ve never seen? I would think not, for obvious reasons. Yet, most are unfamiliar with the blueprints they have of themselves, which are in fact determining the quality of their lives.

Katlyn came in for weight loss. After getting to know her, I asked, “Katlyn, close your eyes and picture yourself. How do you see you?” Katlyn seemed confused at first, but after further explanation, Katlyn replied, “I see myself fat and miserable.” This may seem like obvious information, but as a behavioral change expert, if I don’t update the internal image Katlyn has of herself first, all other weight loss suggestions would be futile.

Over the course of that session, Katlyn was able to create a thinner, happier, and more attractive image of herself, but it still seemed very distant. “Okay, I can imagine myself the way I used to be, but she seems very far away.” It took a couple of more sessions and a lot of reinterpreting the past before Katlyn was finally able to bring that healthier image of herself front and center. As with most weight loss clients, it’s not what they are eating, it’s what’s eating them that they most need to focus on.

When it comes to manifesting what you want in life, you must make it feel real in your mind. If you can see, hear, and feel yourself already having what you want in your imagination, actually having it can quickly become a reality. Remember, your unconscious mind doesn’t know what’s “real” and what isn’t.

When dreaming at night, you don’t realize you’re dreaming until you wake up from the dream. Heck, maybe you’re dreaming all of this right now, and when you wake up, you’ll already have everything you’ve ever wanted. Your imagination: your most powerful ally. Life is but a dream.

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Chapter 16
Secondary Benefits

Are You Secretly Rewarded for Remaining the Same?

A secondary gain refers to an emotional payoff or reward for thinking or behaving in a negative manner. This payoff is normally unconscious, meaning the person is unaware that he is getting something that’s perceived to be useful or positive from acting in this way. Some need is being met through behaving in a particular way, which is why individuals find it challenging to let go of painful habits.

You’ve also most likely met someone who continually self-destructs, much like the pessimists you know, and no matter how good the advice is that you offer, the person continues down the path of self-destruction. They do so because, although it may not be apparent, they feel emotionally rewarded for behaving in such a way.

Perhaps the payoff is that they can continue to see themselves as a victim or they don’t have to take accountability for their actions. Again, this is very much an unconscious process. If you confront them head-on with this, they will act confused or offended and will adamantly deny such an accusation.

I’ve uncovered many secondary gains that were responsible for keeping people stuck in old habits. When someone complains about how terrible things are, and no matter how hard they try to change things it never works out, secondary gains are typically the result.

Jen came to me because she was chronically sick. As soon as she’d get back on her feet and become self-reliant, flu-like symptoms would return. Doctors were baffled because nothing seemed to be wrong with Jen. Her immune system was a little suppressed, but her vitals and blood work came back normal. Jen was obviously frustrated, and when she came to me, she looked exhausted. I began teaching Jen relaxation and stress management techniques and noticed a pattern within her.

Whenever Jen got sick, her husband rushed in to comfort her. She had his full attention and empathy. When Jen started feeling better, however, her husband would return to the office and begin pulling long hours to advance his career. After leading Jen through the exercise that I’m about to lead you through, she realized that her being sick meant instant attention and affection from her husband. Jen’s unconscious mind basically got the idea that “I get sick, I get attention. I don’t like being sick, but I love the attention. I love the attention more than I don’t like being sick. I’ll stay sick.”

I find more secondary gains in working with those who are obese than anyone else. Chronically heavy people have unconsciously used food and their extra weight to produce feelings of safety, pleasure, and a sense of inner control. To give this all up so that they can fit into a size 8 just isn’t worth it, although they always say it is. Christina wanted to lose one hundred pounds. She said, “Even if I starve myself and exercise every day, I can’t seem to lose even one pound. Last year I used pills to lose weight and managed to drop fifteen pounds, but within a month I had gained twenty back!”

I led Christina through a secondary gains exercise and found that she had been abused as a child. Her weight served as unconscious protection. “If I stay heavy, men won’t pay attention to me and I’ll be safe.” No wonder she couldn’t lose weight. It would make her feel completely vulnerable and unsafe.

Matt came to me for a totally different reason. He had been very successful at reaching a certain level of income but could not break through to the next level no matter how hard he tried. I led him through a similar exercise and discovered he felt incredibly fearful that his friends would become jealous and abandon him. He even pictured them gossiping and making fun of him behind his back. Matt did not want to lose his close friends, so he unconsciously kept himself stuck.

“A secondary gain refers to an unconscious emotional payoff or reward for behaving in a particular manner that seems detrimental. This is why it’s sometimes difficult to let go of behaviors, even when they are obviously causing distress.”

What happens when you become aware of a secondary gain? You can either acknowledge and accept it or meet your unconscious needs in a more empowering way. Surprisingly, some do choose to keep the status quo. They go on complaining about their predicaments because it’s become a habit, but inside they know what’s really going on and they’re okay with it.

Jeff was like that. He wanted to make more money but discovered he sabotaged himself for fear of getting promoted, having to travel, and missing out on his kids growing up. Once he realized what was really going on, a sense of peace came over him. Jeff aligned with his values and readjusted his life goals, and the struggles disappeared.

More often the goal is to meet the unconscious payoff in a more suitable and empowering manner. Jen, who had been chronically sick, was taught how to communicate more openly and honestly about what she needed from her husband, and her health and relationship got much better.

Christina, who wanted to lose one hundred pounds, started taking karate classes and found inner strength regardless of how much she weighed. Matt, who wanted a promotion, decided that if his friends were true friends, they would support and celebrate his successes with them. He also found more ways to validate his friends for their accomplishments.

Your next step in this journey is to investigate whether you have any secondary gains and, if they exist, to meet them in a new way. Let’s begin.

Transformation Exercise:

Your Secondary Gains

Take a full, deep breath, and as you slowly exhale, loosen your shoulders and jaw muscles. As you continue to read, allow your mind to walk you down an imaginary staircase. This staircase can look any way you want it to. It may be very elegant or simple. It might be made from wood, cement, or marble.

This magical staircase consists of ten steps that lead to a place where you are relaxed and fully in touch with the part of your mind that knows everything about you. With every number you read below, counting from ten down to one, imagine taking another step down, so by the time you get to the count of one, you will feel more calm and focused. More calm and focused. More calm and focused.

Beginning with the count of ten, take your first step down as your body naturally breathes in relaxation. Fill your lungs with a sense of peace. Nine, take another step down and feel your body become more comfortable and at ease. Eight. Stepping down again as you feel any remaining tension melt away.

Seven, fill your body back up with soothing sensations of comfort and peace. Six. Feeling good. Five. Halfway there. Four. Notice your mind becoming empty and clear. Feel all the thoughts fading from your mind. The only thing you pay attention to are the words you’re now reading. Three. Focusing only on these words. Two. Concentrating now only on this word. Finally, with the count of one, you imagine reaching the bottom of the staircase, feeling good, relaxed, and comfortable.

Just ahead of you is one of the nicest recliners you’ve ever seen. Imagine sinking into this incredibly comfortable chair and become aware of how open and alert your mind has become. You are in a very resourceful state now and fully in touch with your powerful unconscious mind. This part of you is here to serve and will follow through on your requests.

In a moment, your unconscious will be instructed to find any secondary gains that might be holding you back from what you most desire. If there is any reason or payoff for you not following through on your goals or remaining where you are right now, your mind will identify it and make it conscious to you.

Be aware that there might be some resistance at first. Your mind may begin to analyze this whole exercise, and you could catch yourself thinking, “I’m not getting anything. This isn’t working.” Just know that when you analyze the process, it’s a clever way of distracting yourself from the feelings you may encounter. Intellectualizing what you’re doing is a form of self-protection; intellectualizing is an attempt to keep you from fully immersing in the exercise by paying attention to flashes of insight or specific feelings.

Thus, if you catch yourself entertaining these distractions, take another deep breath in and allow your mind to focus back to this question: “If there was an advantage, no matter how small, for my behaving in this way, what would it be?” Stop reading and ask yourself that question now.

There is always a positive intention behind the secondary gain. The intention is designed to protect you, even if the method of protection is backfiring. Thus, as this information comes to your conscious mind, allow it to resonate for just a moment. How might this secondary gain be attempting to protect or serve you? If you’re not sure, make something up.

Just pretend to understand, or simply guess. Since your unconscious doesn’t really know the difference between what’s real and what’s made up, your guess may actually be the truth. Again, here is the question: How might this secondary gain be attempting to protect or serve you? Take your time and answer this question now.

Whether you feel you’re guessing or you just had a major realization, it’s time to meet this intention in a more positive and empowering way. Even if the intention was positive, the method is holding you back in other ways that are no longer acceptable. It may even be creating the very pain you’re trying to avoid. Therefore, you are going to ask your unconscious to do something very special.

Ask your unconscious mind now to help you come up with three new ways of meeting this particular need in a more empowering fashion. Identify three new actions you can now take to meet your needs that have nothing to do with the old, outdated behaviors.

These three alternative choices will empower you to leave the old behaviors behind while simultaneously providing greater control over your life. Recall the examples of Jen, Matt, and Christina. Take your time and do this now.

Well done! Hopefully you’ve opened the realm of possibilities when it comes to meeting your needs in more constructive ways. Perhaps you’ve tapped into other resources, or, from reading this book, you’ve realized that the protection you once needed is no longer necessary. Throughout this book we are giving you the courage to succeed and the strategies for feeling strong and secure at will.

Now that you’ve taken the time to identify what you can do to better meet your needs, I want you to imagine engaging in these new behaviors in the future. Take a few minutes and visualize yourself following through on these three new options that empower you regardless of the situation. Imagine them working out as perfectly as intended. Do this now.

If you had difficulty coming up with new options, ask yourself, “What else could I do to feel _________ (insert your emotion or need here).” Sometimes pretending that you are helping a friend to solve his or her problem can separate you from the situation enough to come up with a proper solution. “If my best friend wanted to feel _________, what advice would I give him or her?”

Keep asking your mind in different ways for the answer you desire, and expect to get an answer. Do not let yourself off the hook. Eventually you’ll stumble upon just the right question to get the secondary gains answers you need. The answer to all your questions lies within you. It’s always a matter of asking the right question. “How can I take action in a new way that creates the way I want to feel or creates the kind of situation that I want to experience more regularly?”

Sometimes people get stuck on the problem instead of focusing their mental energy on the solution. “Why does this keep happening to me?” is a lousy question. Ask yourself a lousy question, and you get a lousy response. “Because you’re a loser!” Instead, ask your mind “What action can I take right now to prevent this situation from happening again?” Now that’s an empowering question.

Remembering all that you’ve experienced in this exercise, I want you to thank your powerful mind for helping you. Over the next couple of days, be aware of how your unconscious may continue to communicate with you. Be mindful of your dreams, the conversations you have, and the material you read. Sometimes the answers we seek show up a few days later in the strangest of ways. If you didn’t fully get the answers you were seeking now, keep your eyes, ears, and mind open, because the answers are on their way.

With that said, I’d like you to imagine being back in that recliner, feeling refreshed in every way. Visualize yourself getting out of the chair and walking back up the staircase as the new, empowered, and resourceful you. Then emerge from this exercise knowing that your mind will continue to supply you with the resources to succeed as long as you keep asking it to. Realize that you are constantly getting better and better.

I hope this exercise was helpful and insightful for you. It has provided profound revelations for thousands of people, and as you continue to lead yourself through the steps, it can do the same for you. It might even be better if you go through the steps again, but this time with your eyes closed and a friend reading. Get as relaxed as you can and imagine getting more in touch with the magic within.

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Chapter 17
Anchoring Yourself to Success

We start this chapter with a heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS! Most never make it this far when reading a book. They’ll have four or five half-read books, but very few completed ones. Some don’t even start the book they buy. They just set it on the shelf as though just buying it will give them something, yet it will not. If you’re going to go above and beyond what most people even dream of, you’ve got to have the ability to start AND finish strong! It looks like you’re on your way to doing both. Good for you, my friend!

Now you’re going to learn about anchors. I’ve used them throughout this book, but I’ve yet to explain how they work or how to use them to your advantage. By the end of this chapter, you’ll know how to get rid of self-limiting anchors that are already established in your brain and create resourceful anchors of your own. Sound good? ☺

What’s an Anchor?

An anchor is a term used to describe a visual, auditory, or kinesthetic cue that triggers a specific emotional state. If you see, hear, or touch something at the same time you feel a particular emotion, and the situation is unique or emotionally charged enough, your brain will create a link between the situation (stimulus) and that particular emotion.

An obvious example of this occurs the first time you touch fire. Usually the pain is intense enough to cause the brain to create an immediate kinesthetic anchor. Your brain says, “Touching fire hurts. Avoid touching fire.” This is an example of a very useful kinesthetic anchor.

Here’s an example of an unuseful auditory anchor. Let’s say a boyfriend in high school dumped you, and while he was suggesting that you could still be friends, you heard Every Rose Has Its Thorn on the radio. Twenty years later, you’re happily driving down the freeway and Every Rose Has Its Thorn comes on the radio. Suddenly out of nowhere you feel completely heartbroken.

This is an example of an auditory anchor, since you’re hearing something that triggers a specific emotional response. Or your spouse gives you a certain look, and it makes you feel angry. This is an example of a negative visual anchor.

When you fell and hurt your knee as a child, grandma reached down and gave you affection. Then, right when you were feeling really comforted, she handed you a cookie! And what does your unconscious mind do? Why, it creates an anchor. “Food equals love.” Fifty years later, you’re still firing off that anchor when life gets stressful. You want to feel comforted, and a cookie triggers that feeling inside you.

“An anchor connects a specific sound or gesture to a pre-determined emotional state.”

Food and beverage companies spend billions annually to convince us that we will be happy, cool, at peace, or we’ll get lucky if we eat or drink their product. I love the commercials where they flash pictures of adorable kids sitting at the table, and beautiful music is playing in the background, and you just feel so warm and cozy inside. And then they flash a big jar of spaghetti sauce on the screen. ANCHOR!

Now, maybe the first time you see this commercial nothing happens in your mind. But how many times do you see the exact same commercial play in just one evening? Now think of how many times you saw that commercial in a year! If you don’t think it has an effect on you, go look in your cabinets. I bet that jar of sauce is sitting there.

Commercials are full of hypnotic anchors. Whenever somebody tells me that they can’t be hypnotized, I just smile. They are in my office because they’ve already been put into a trance. Tony Robbins once referred to himself a “de-hypnotist.” I think of myself as the same.

Some anchors are created over time through repetition. You smell apple pie and think of grandma, or your spouse uses a particular tone of voice and suddenly you’re pissed off. In the Midwest, the smell of pine reminds many of Christmas. Smokers are often triggered to smoke after a meal or with a drink. The “trigger” is actually an anchor.

Seeing the movie Rocky immediately makes men feel pumped up, and the olfactory anchors that are triggered from a Yankee candle hypnotizes women to spend large quantities of money on candles.

Anchors are one way your brain organizes information. This connection your brain makes with feelings and events is almost always unconscious. You really don’t have to think about sticking your hand in fire to know it’s not a good idea. Because this often happens unconsciously, however, your brain can create associations between feelings and events that aren’t actually related.

Phobias are a good example of this. A phobia is an intense, irrational anchor that causes paralyzing fear in those who have them. I met a woman once who had an intense phobia toward butterflies. If she even imagined a picture of a butterfly she’d flip out. After hypnotic regression, it was revealed that she had witnessed the death of her father as a child while catching butterflies. My client did consciously recall her father’s heart attack, but she had completely forgotten about the circumstances surrounding it.

The following is a more common example of a limiting, or negative, anchor. Let’s say you had a big project that was due and you didn’t get it turned in on time. It got you into a lot of trouble, and now every time a project comes up, you pass it on to someone else. You want to get ahead in your company, but you keep letting opportunities pass you by. “Every time I hear about a new project, I get this sick feeling in my stomach.” Your brain has associated projects to getting in trouble.

Most couples tend to argue about things that have nothing to do with their current situation. Instead, old anchors trigger people to respond in the same way they always do. Knowing how to purposefully create and eliminate anchors in your life will give you even greater leverage over your success in the future.

Transformation Exercise:

Eliminating Unuseful Anchors

Now you’re going to learn how to eliminate negative anchors in your life and replace them with empowering ones. Otherwise, these limiting anchors that are holding you back will continue to be triggered. In the peak performance field of NLP, Neuro Linguistic Programming (Bandler, Grinder), this strategic process of eliminating anchors is referred to as “collapsing anchors.”

The most effective way to eliminate, or collapse, a negative anchor is through triggering the conditioned feeling while simultaneously firing off an opposing emotional state.

Hold your right hand up in the air and make a fist. Squeeze this fist tight and keep it that way. At the same time, completely relax your right hand. Your brain says, “What?” You cannot be tight and relaxed at the same time.

Just like you cannot feel fear and gratitude simultaneously. Nor can you laugh and feel depressed at the same time. Go ahead and try. Throw your arms up in the air and wave them around while exclaiming, “I’m depressed! I’m depressed!” What happens? You start laughing, right? Knowing this gives you power, because you can use this knowledge to your advantage.

Here’s another exercise for collapsing a limiting fear simultaneously through firing off opposing emotional states. This will require some courage on your part, and as you follow through, your efforts will be greatly rewarded.

Step One. Take the next thirty seconds to say out loud why you can’t have what you want in life. What’s been holding you back and making you so upset, angry, or frustrated lately? Put a voice to all that is stressful in your life. If others are around, get up and move to a more private location. It’s important to do this exercise out loud and not in your head.

You need to hear yourself out loud so that you notice the tempo, pitch, and tone of your voice when saying what’s holding you back. Imagine that I’m listening intently to every word you say. You’ve got thirty seconds. Begin.

Very good. I hope you used the entire thirty seconds, and you probably could have continued for quite some time. ☺ When saying what’s on your mind out loud, you realize how much dialogue there really is, how much negative programming goes on inside you every single day. Did anything you say sound like this:

“I’m just so frustrated because I never have enough time and I’ve got all this pressure. I’ve got so much stuff going on right now, and I don’t know how I’m going to pull it all off! I don’t know what else I can do. Sometimes I just feel so stuck. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me and there’s no time for what I want. I’m trying to balance the time between my work and my family, and both seem to get jilted! And work is driving me crazy.

Nobody seems to be cooperating, and I spend so much time putting out fires that I’m not able to take action on the stuff I know will get results! I’m exhausted all the time, and I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. . . .”

I’ve been leading people through this exercise in my Shurr ! Success seminars for years, and I’ve found that people tend to express very similar worries, pressures, and stresses. If any of those thoughts resonated with you, I hope it makes you feel a little better knowing that we’re all in the same boat. People are very good at making themselves feel isolated as though “nobody could possibly understand what I’m going through.”

You’re right. Nobody can completely understand how you are interpreting your life. However, many can understand and relate to the situations and experiences you’re going through. Human beings process information in the same way and have the same universal inspirations and fears. Even though the scenery might be different, the scenes are the same. Thus, you are not alone, and whatever you are now going through, you will get through it just like countless others have and are.

Before we move on to the next step, you need to become more aware of not just what you said, but how you said it. Notice how you spoke and the way you held your body while doing so. Was the tone of your voice low or high pitched? Did you talk quickly or slowly? Did it seem like you used one long sentence or a series of brief, quick statements?

Did you swear? Did you sound angry, upset, or indignant? How did you hold your body? Were your shoulders slumped forward? Were you frowning? Were you looking up or down? Were your muscles tense? Were you breathing regular, taking short, shallow breaths, or holding your breath? Were you making fists or moving your arms and feet around? (At this point, you may be thinking, “I guess I should have done the thirty-second exercise.” If you haven’t followed through on this, please do so now.)

Step Two. Now it’s time to mess with your head and collapse some limiting anchors. Know that in order to feel the yucky feelings you felt while venting for those thirty seconds, it’s necessary to repeat the tone and body language you used. Changing any part of this will lead you to a completely different emotional state. Allow me to prove this to you.

In a moment you will be given another thirty seconds to vent your frustrations. I want you to say the same exact things you said previously. Tell me why you can’t have what you want and all the things that have been holding you back or upsetting you. However, this time you are going to sing it out loud like a famous opera singer.

That’s right! You’re going to sing it out, baby! It doesn’t matter if you can sing or not. The point is that you sing! Stand up, throw your arms in the air, and belt out in your best operatic voice all the worries, fears, and stressors in your life. Remember, the more you put into this exercise, and into yourself, the more you will get out of it! Do this now.

I know you’re not just sitting thinking “I’m not doing that!” You’re stepping up, right? You’re taking control of your life and forcing yourself out of the old comfort zones, yes? You know you can’t grow while playing it safe. If singing out loud is way out there for you, terrific! Break into some new territory and sing your frustrations, baby, sing!

Outstanding! I know you really put a lot into this crazy little exercise, and for that I applaud you! Even though I know you followed through instead of making excuses, I want to be sure. If for some bizarre reason you did not sing, why not? I thought you wanted to be courageous. Or is it that you just want to be courageous on your own terms? “I’m strong and courageous as long as I don’t have to risk anything.”

That’s not courage. That’s fear in disguise. “You must go out on a limb because that’s where the fruit is.” I challenge you with these silly tasks so that you can see how you respond when challenged. If you’re not willing to jump in, risk looking foolish, and follow through on this simple task, what makes you think you’ll have the guts to take action on really important activities?

Those who don’t succeed will always have a story or justification for why they failed to take positive action. Winners don’t need excuses, and neither do you because YOU ARE A WINNER. (If you didn’t follow through, here’s your chance!)

“You can’t grow playing it safe.”

When you sang about your worries, did it feel different the second time compared to the first? Sure, it did! You probably felt silly or embarrassed. Or perhaps you really got into it and began laughing or having fun. Either way, I bet you weren’t feeling stressed, angry, or upset in that moment.

In fact, if you sang out, it would be nearly impossible to feel the same way you did originally because you altered your tone of voice and physiology. Singing forces you to breathe deeper, alter your voice, and move your body differently. You may have noticed your body relaxing and your facial muscles loosening. Heck, you might have even smiled!

Changing your physiology (your body movements) can dramatically change type of emotions you experience. That’s why I encouraged you to stand up and sing, to throw your arms in the air, and belt out your frustrations. Suddenly what you say isn’t as important to how you’re feeling as the way you are saying it.

Research has repeatedly shown that the more you move, the better you feel. Psychologists took people who had been clinically depressed for more than twenty years and had them stand in front of a mirror and smile (just like you did) as broadly as possible for twenty minutes twice a day. At the end of three weeks, 80 percent of the participants felt that their depression had lifted enough for them to function again. Just by smiling! I bet if those patients had jumped up and down while they were smiling, they would have felt better within the week!

Movement also helps you change your focus. Instantly you’re no longer focused on all the worries and pressures in life. Instead you’re thinking about how funny this exercise is and how nutty you’re going to look if someone busts in on you. Actually, I hope someone does walk in on you. It would be hilarious, and every time you think about those worries, it will remind you of the laugh you had with your family member or friend.

By getting yourself to laugh while complaining, you collapse the stress pattern that you’re running. Again, collapsing an anchor means firing off a negative and a positive emotion at the same time. This neutralizes both emotions so that you end up somewhere in the middle. You’re not feeling bad or good, but indifferent. This puts you in control over your responses instead of robotically reacting based on past conditioning.

This is just one of hundreds of ways to interrupt your own stress pattern. The next time you start feeling pressured, frustrated, or whiny, start singing about it in your best opera voice. If that doesn’t work, turn your self-pity into a cheer. “I’m so stressed! I’m so stressed! GOOO STRESSSS!”

Kick your arms and legs up into the air as though you’re doing the perfect cheer like Will Ferrell. If you get into it, I guarantee it will change your state. Now, you’re not going to want to do this when you’re really stressed or feeling sorry for yourself. You’d much rather stay in that place. However, you’ve got to have enough emotional maturity to realize that continuing to run this self-limiting pattern will keep you from growing to the next level.

That’s when you force yourself to do these silly exercises. Once you cheer about your woes, it will change your state, get you more resourceful, and put you back in control. When you look back at how you were acting, you’ll realize how silly the negative mindset was and not the behavior that got you to stop doing so.

A friend told me of a contractor he once knew who was always singing and humming tunes to himself on the job site. He noticed that whenever things went wrong, the contractor began singing to himself. He also noticed the contractor humming tunes when things were going well. What really stood out was how levelheaded this contractor was regardless of what was happening around him. He was just as calm and collected in the midst of chaos as he was when things went smoothly.

When some of the guys finally asked the contractor about his singing, he replied, “By the time I was thirty, I had created my own construction company and own several rental properties. I became incredibly successful because I learned early on not to get attached to what was happening around me at any given time.

I realized that some things went good and some went bad, but nothing lasted forever. I hum tunes or sing songs in my head as a reminder of this. It keeps me focused on what I want instead of on what’s going on in the moment. Singing reminds me that everything’s okay, and it reminds me not to get attached to the outcomes because they don’t matter. You have to keep looking at the bigger picture. I might not win every battle, but I am determined to win the war. That’s why I sing.”

“This Too Shall Pass”

No matter what’s going on in your life, this too shall pass. Whether you’re having a really good streak or a really bad one, this too shall pass. I remember the first time I heard that saying. It was etched into a rug that was sitting in front of a toilet. “This too shall pass.” ☺ The business of life is much like surfing. There’s a time to paddle, a time to float, and a time to

Imagine building a sandcastle next to the water and watching the tide come in. Eventually that water is going to take your castle. Some people act completely surprised by this and get angry or depressed when it happens. They either give up or begin building another sandcastle by the water’s edge, only to have it swept away again.

If, however, you realize the water is eventually coming and you’re okay with it, then you’re no longer attached to the eventual outcome. Complete freedom comes from not caring about what’s going to happen in the moment, because you know it’s all going to work out just fine in the end.

You may want something to occur, but you’re not devastated if it doesn’t, because the setback is merely temporary. In sales, for example, if you go into the situation with the intent to serve and you don’t really care if you get the sale or not, you actually increase the odds of getting it. This happens because you’re operating from a state of abundance rather than scarcity, which keeps your customer from sensing desperation on your part.

“Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet, it isn’t the end!”

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Chapter 18
More Anchoring Tools

To create a positive anchor, get yourself associated into the state or emotion you want to anchor, intensify the emotion, and simultaneously install your trigger. The key is to make the desired emotional state as strong as you can and to choose a trigger that’s unique. Those who practice meditation, for example, repeat a mantra like “ohm” to get into state.

I’ve never actually heard that word or sound in any other context. When creating a kinesthetic trigger, think of something that produces the emotion you want to anchor, and then touch your left hand between the third and fourth knuckle. This isn’t usually an area of your body that is touched, which makes it unique.

Of course this is just a guideline and not a hard-fast rule. As long as your brain repeatedly experiences the unique trigger and a specific emotion, it will eventually link the two. If you create a trigger that gets fired while experiencing different types of emotions, it will confuse your brain and the anchor will be neutralized. As you recall, this is exactly what we did to eliminate, or collapse, the unwanted anchors in your life.

Here’s how I established one of my favorite anchors. Prior to doing a seminar, I find a bathroom (usually the only private place I could find), jump up and down, clap my hands a few times, and say the word “YES” with passion. I do so in a very specific order using the exact same mannerisms every single time. I’ve repeated this little ritual so much that it immediately makes me feel energized and focused.

Often if I just say the word “YES” with passion, I feel that focused energy course through my body because I’ve trained my brain to do so. Of course, it’s always fun to be jumping up and down in a bathroom and have somebody walk in on you, but when I get that focused and fired up, I don’t really care.

Another tip for reinforcing and strengthening an anchor is to activate the trigger whenever you’re naturally in that desired state. Every time you’re naturally feeling relaxed, for instance, take a moment to breathe, then speak or touch a designated part of your body that represents the trigger.

It will reinforce to your brain and central nervous system that engaging in this behavior makes you feel relaxed. People who smoke or mindlessly eat are simply responding to a repetitiously conditioned anchor. When I notice myself feeling excited, energized, focused, or generally happy, I say, “YES” while jumping and/or clapping. It emphasizes to my brain, “When I do this, I feel this way.”

By now you are realizing just how transformational this information is going to be in your life! You have the ability to feel any way you want, at any time you want, as much as you want! You can anchor feelings of success, relaxation, energy, hope, motivation, security, love, passion, and anything else. Imagine walking into a networking event and immediately feeling confident and social or seeing your partner and instantly feeling intimate and connected. As you eliminate the negative anchors in your life and replace them with empowering anchors, the way that you experience life will dramatically change for the better.

Dave came to me complaining of feeling depressed for no good reason. “I’m not sure why I get this way. I’ll be feeling great, and then someone will come up and start talking to me, and suddenly I feel incredibly sad.” I asked if this happened with everyone he spoke to, and Dave said no. “It only happens every once in a while, and I can’t seem to figure out why.” After a few more questions and some hypnosis, his unconscious revealed a pattern and a potential anchor that was unintentionally created in Dave. In short, here’s what had occurred.

A few weeks earlier, Dave’s father had passed away. During the visitation prior to the funeral, he was standing in line greeting people. Every time a person came up to Dave, they patted him on the right shoulder and said how sorry they were for his loss. One after another continued to approach him in the same way. Dave obviously felt very sad, but he held it together pretty well.

After describing this to me, I decided to test something. I asked, “Dave, how are you feeling right now?” He replied, “I’m a little frustrated about this whole thing, but other than that I’m fine.” I leaned over and patted Dave on the right shoulder softly and then said, “How you feeling now, buddy?” Immediately Dave’s eyes dropped down and his shoulders slumped forward. He sighed deeply, almost unaware of it, and said, “I don’t know why, but I’ve started to feel that depressed feeling again.”

Although this doesn’t always happen, for Dave an anchor of sadness was created through touching his right shoulder and speaking softly to him. He was in an extremely intense emotional state during his fathers’ funeral, and people were repeatedly touching a specific part of his body and using a specific tone of voice. Dave’s unconscious associated the touch-on-the-shoulder trigger to the emotion of sadness, and the anchor was established.

Now, based on what you’ve learned about collapsing anchors, how would you have treated Dave? It was actually pretty easy, but before you continue reading, take a moment to think about how you would have handled this situation. I want you to be able to work this process through for someone else so that you become better doing it on yourself.

My strategy was simple. I got him laughing and tapped him on the right shoulder. We’d talk a little more, and every time he laughed, I patted him on the shoulder. After a few minutes of doing this, I asked Dave to clear his mind. Then I patted him on the right shoulder and softly said, “How are you feeling now, Dave?” He looked at me, smiled, and said, “I feel fine. How are you?”

I laughed and then taught Dave how to anchor a feeling of peace and ease. I saw Dave a couple of weeks later, and he stated that the depression had not returned. “I feel sad every once in a while when I think of my father, but that’s normal. Otherwise, I’ve been feeling pretty good when I’m with others or by myself. I’m in a good place now.”

You can eliminate any negative anchor as long as the positive anchor you simultaneously fire off is equally intense. There are many techniques you can use to eliminate fear or emotional pain, but most of them require that you see a trained professional. Severe trauma or post-traumatic stress can be dramatically reduced and even eliminated by a good hypnotist or NLP practitioner.

If you have any of these issues, contact my office, and I’ll give you some options for overcoming them. You’ll find my contact information at the back of this book. Most of the fears we are covering are due to a misunderstanding or faulty interpretation and thus can be adequately dealt with through the techniques you are learning.

Carrie came to my office because she had a “horrible fear of flying.” As soon as she brought up flying, tears started rolling down her cheeks. Each time Carrie thought about getting on an airplane her fight-or-flight response (no pun intended) kicked in. She’d cry and shake and then get frustrated. “I can’t believe I’m acting this way. I’m great at what I do, and I’m normally very confident. That’s why I got this promotion. But now it requires me to travel, and I haven’t had to do that before.”

Carrie revealed that she had a bad experience on the last fight she took, which was about six years earlier. “There was a lot of turbulence, and it totally freaked me out. One of the suitcases even fell out of the storage bin.”

First I taught Carrie techniques for shrinking and dulling her intense fear and moving it away. I then collapsed any remaining fear by getting her to laugh. Around that time, a commercial for Six Flags Great America (a Chicago-area amusement park) featured a funny looking gentleman dancing around entertaining others.

It was a really funny commercial, and it had great music to go along with the gentleman’s dance. Carrie knew of the commercial and smiled when I mentioned the funny gentleman in it. I then asked her to imagine this gentleman sitting next to her on the plane. I had her play the same silly music in her head as she watched him dance around in his seat making funny faces.

As Carrie began imagining this scenario her smile transformed into full-blown laughter, which immediately neutralized any remaining fear. I asked to her think about flying and Carrie started giggling again. “I just keep seeing that guy and hearing that music. It’s hysterical!” Because I like to ensure my clients get maximum results, I told her to imagine getting on the plane for her upcoming trip. When she imagined this, I grabbed the chair she was in, started shaking it, and I yelled out “Turbulence!”

Carrie just sat there bouncing around in the chair with a smile on her face. She said, “I knew I was okay now, and when you said ‘turbulence’ it made that guy dance more.” I got an e-mail from Carrie a month later reporting that she felt great on both her outgoing and returning flights and hasn’t had any problems since.

Now it’s time to create another empowering anchor in your life. To do so, you must first decide what feeling or feelings you’d like to experience at will and also what your trigger(s) will be.

Perhaps you want to feel confident, motivated, or focused, and your trigger will be touching the top of your right hand between your first and second knuckle. Or perhaps every time you rub the back of your neck you’ll feel deeply relaxed. If you want to feel energized, you can throw your arms up over your head, take a deep breath in, and say “YES!”

It can really be anything. You can say your trigger word(s) out loud or in your own mind, if others are around. If you’re alone, I recommend saying your trigger words out loud. It seems to add to the intensity of the emotion, thus securing a stronger anchor in your nervous system. Take your time and choose your emotional states and triggers now.

In order to lock in your anchor, you’ll need to conjure up the feeling you want to experience and increase its intensity. Thus, I’d like you to think back to a time when you naturally felt the feeling you want to anchor. Go back to the last time you really felt that emotion. Float back to a time when you felt really relaxed, motivated, confident, or whichever emotion you wish to conjure. If you don’t recall a specific memory, make one up in your mind. Pretend how it would be to feel this way right now.

If you’re still struggling, think of someone you might know or somebody you might have seen in a movie or on television, and imagine that s/he is feeling the way you want to feel. Notice how s/he is holding his/her body, what s/he is saying to him/herself, and where s/he is feeling that emotion in his/her body. Then step into this person and know what it feels like to be this way. Take your time and do this now.

Very good. If you choose to feel relaxed now, notice how your shoulder blades start to lower just like they did before. Your breathing becomes slow and deep, your jaw muscles relax, and your body fills with a warm heaviness. If your emotion of choice is confidence, notice how you are standing taller, shoulders back, chin up, a sparkle in your eye, a smile on your face, breathing a little bit faster, feeling stronger, feeling that confidence surge up and down in the center of your chest.

Perhaps you chose to feel enthusiastic and motivated. Now you’re breathing a little faster and moving with energy. You’re leaning forward and feeling the blood pumping through your veins. Your body language is more expressive, and you’re talking a little faster than normal.

Whatever the emotion is, make it twice as strong now. Double that emotion! Make it twice as intense! Double your relaxation, confidence, motivation, or whichever emotion you chose. Move your body, focus your attention, and when you feel the emotion become even more intense, fire off your anchor. Touch your body, clap your hands, and/or say your trigger word(s). Then make the emotion even stronger and fire off your anchor again. Do this ten times in a row, each time making the emotion more and more intense. Get into state, make this happen, and do so now!

Fabulous! Take a deep breath in and feel good about yourself now. I realize that this exercise may not be as powerful because you’re reading it from a book. However, once you get the general idea of how an anchor is structured, you can wait until you’re naturally in the state you want to anchor and then repeatedly fire off your trigger. Perhaps, however, because you are such an amazing person, you probably pulled off this exercise already.

My friend, Bill, said this is how it went for him. “The emotion I wanted to anchor was confidence, and my trigger was slapping my right thigh as I said the word “YES!” I thought back to a memory of when I made a really big sale last year. I pretended to be back at that time, and I started to feel pretty good. I slapped my leg and said, “YES!” I repeated this a couple of times and felt my confidence increase.

Then I searched for another time when I felt confident and remembered helping my son complete a project last month. It made me feel good, and I instantly slapped my thigh and said, “YES!” I started to feel more energy in my body, and it made me want to stand up, so I did. I repeated this exercise, recalling a few more times when I felt confident in the past, and by the time I was done, I was pretty fired up!

My leg hurt a little bit because I kept whacking it, but now I start to feel confident just by slapping my thigh and saying, “YES!” I don’t have to think about a particular memory any more. In fact, I now feel like creating some new ones!”

Once you get the anchor established, you can test it by clearing your mind and then firing off your anchor. If you begin to feel the emotion come up inside you, great. If not or it only comes up a little bit, you just need more practice rehearsing your anchor. Even when the anchor works very well, you’ll want to reinforce it whenever you can.

Once you’ve got your anchor established, imagine yourself in future situations where you’ll want to feel this way and trigger the emotion. For example, suppose you have a presentation coming up and you want to feel more confident. First trigger the anchor, then fully feel the confidence run through you, and then imagine yourself confidently doing the presentation.

The trick is to feel the wanted emotion prior to visualizing the future event. Do this repeatedly until you think of the presentation and naturally feel more confident. You may still be a bit nervous, and that’s good, because you’ll need the extra boost of adrenaline to put on a really great presentation!

Maybe you feel stressed a lot around your family and you want to feel more relaxed instead. First anchor the feeling of relaxation and then imagine being around your family. Then, when you are around your family and you start to get stressed, instantly fire off your trigger without anyone knowing what you are doing, and your shoulders will begin to soften.

Your anchor might have been touching your thumb and first finger together as you take a deep breath in. Nobody but you will know you are doing this, and yet everyone will reap the benefits. Perhaps you even add the words “relax, relax, relax” in your own mind. Immediately your breathing becomes deeper, you begin to smile, and everything feels better.

In your mind, imagine that your anchor works perfectly every time. Your mind is incredibly powerful, and it will create what you tell it to. That’s why it’s always so important to focus on what you want. Imagine each scenario working out beautifully every time and the anchor just keeps getting stronger and stronger so that you can count on it working when you need it most! You may even want to create separate anchors for motivation, relaxation, and confidence!

Most people who panic in situations have previously imagined themselves panicking. People who are insecure imagine themselves being insecure in various situations. Fearful people—you guessed it—paint scary scenarios in their minds and unintentionally set “scared” anchors. We are all in a continual process of setting anchors and creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

Now that you are aware of how some of this process works, you can begin to consciously and then unconsciously create ongoing positive anchors and self-fulfilling prophecies.

Imagine yourself in all kinds of crazy situations and that somehow they keep working out to your advantage. You don’t have to know how it keeps working out so beautifully, just imagine that it does. Your unconscious is quite good at figuring out all the little details, so just keep focusing on the outcomes that you want! In this way, you’re actually planning out your future, and this is what I mean by creating your life by design.

You are actively deciding what you want to experience in life and making the choices that lead to it. You’re deciding ahead of time how you are going to feel in any given situation and then you practice being this way in your mind, so when that situation arises you instinctively know what to do.

“Your mind is incredibly powerful, and it will create what you tell it to. That’s why it’s always so important to focus on what you want.”

Your unconscious mind and nervous system have been preprogrammed to respond to life in an empowering way. When life gets chaotic and you find yourself automatically responding to it gracefully and with leadership, you won’t be able to help but smile from ear to ear. All this requires is a little strategy and some practice! ☺

Setting a Future Anchor

Let’s go through an exercise for creating a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Take a deep breath and imagine drifting into your future. Allow your mind to conjure up situations and scenarios that used to upset you in the past, but now you feel calm and confident when similar events occur in the future. Focus in on a particular event that you might be worrying about and get in touch with those feelings. As soon as you start to notice the negative emotion occurring in the future, fire off your newly established anchor and visualize it working perfectly.

Instantly find yourself feeling relaxed and focused. See, hear, or feel yourself taking action and responding appropriately to the situation. Often people react to a situation and later play the “I wish I would have said this or done that” game.

Here is an opportunity to plan ahead so that when the opportunity arises, you’ll be well prepared to handle it in the way you most want to. There will be no need to think you should have done something differently because you will have handled the situation in the best possible way at that time.

Let’s go through this again. Think of a time in the future when you’d like to feel calm, confident, motivated, or however you would like to feel. Notice how you initially feel when thinking of this event, and then fire off your anchor. Imagine a rush of positive feelings flood your mind and body. Perhaps you only feel a minor change in the way you feel, so you fire off the anchor again and again.

Nobody said you couldn’t do so more than once. Keep firing off your anchor until you reach the desired emotional state. Not only do you trigger your anchor, you also continually adjust your mental focus and physiology so that your mind and body match the emotion you want to experience.

If you want more energy, stand up straight and open your body as you trigger your anchor. If you want to feel relaxed, soften your shoulders and imagine hearing the ocean in your head as you trigger your anchor. You’re utilizing a powerful combination of tools to access an empowered state. In this way, if one thing doesn’t work, the others will. It’s like having a backup plan. If plan A doesn’t work, use Plan B, C, D, and so on.

Visualizing yourself in the future provides an opportunity to handle situations in a variety of ways without consequences. Once you play out potential scenarios and the results of your decisions and behaviors, you can choose which actions lead to the best possible result.

This is a great technique for making solid decisions. Playing out each choice, and where it could take you, is a wonderful method for clarifying your best options. You might wonder how accurate your imagination will be since you can’t know for sure how others will react to you in real life situations.

In leading thousands of people through this future-based exercise, I’ve found people’s imaginations to be incredibly accurate, probably because your life is created by your imagination, and most people respond to you based on the unconscious vibes and nonverbal messages you’re regularly sending.

The number one way to influence another is through influencing your own mind by clarifying your intentions and outcomes in advance. Once you know where you want to go, trust that your mind will flow in that direction.

I encourage you to re-read this chapter and to go through the exercises often. Some of the ideas I’m expressing will jump right out at you. Others won’t be revealed until the second, third, or fourth reading.

Reviewing this material will allow you to continue breaking old anchors that are holding you back. It will also help you to reinforce new, positive anchors. Remember, you may want to create separate anchors for motivation, relaxation, and confidence. Just for fun, you can set off all your anchors consecutively until you’re feeling unstoppable! The amount of courage and raw energy you experience can be phenomenal!

Then imagine yourself in the future thinking, feeling, and behaving in exactly the way you want to. Pretend that you have everything you’ve ever wanted, and it’s because of the journey you’re on right now. This very second your life is being shaped into a masterpiece!

You are creating the kind of life that you have always dreamed of. You don’t have to “hope” it happens for you, because you are designing it at this very moment. The Law of Attraction is in action, and your destiny is coming to you.

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Chapter 19
Staying Focused Under Pressure

Now that you have established new beliefs, overcome self-sabotaging behaviors, and learned to anchor the positive thoughts that will bring success, it’s time to teach you how to maintain that mindset no matter what challenges you face.

Transformation Exercise:

Preventing Relapse

The following exercise is designed to help you do two things: 1) prevent you from slipping back into old unwanted thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, and 2) experience new, desirable thoughts, feelings, and behaviors instead, whatever your circumstances. Read through the instructions and do the exercise first. Then I’ll explain how this all works.

Imagine a large picture frame in front of you. Whether you actually see the picture frame or just imagine one is fine. Whatever you experience will be right for you. In the center of this picture frame create an eleven-by-eighteen inch snapshot of the unwanted behavior that you would like to eliminate from your life right now.

Imagine seeing or hearing yourself engaging in this behavior that’s created so much pain in your life. Perhaps you imagine yourself slouched over, feeling depressed or overwhelmed, and you’re procrastinating. Whatever the behavior is for you, make it big, and stick it in the center of your picture frame.

Good, now imagine this picture in full color and pretend that you can step into it for just a second so that you can fully experience all the uncomfortable, painful feelings that are associated with this unwanted behavior. Take your time and do this now.

Now step out of the picture and keep it located in front of you. If you did this right, you should be feeling kind of yucky right now. You want your mind very clear of the fact that this behavior causes you pain. At some level your mind might believe that this behavior somehow protects you, but it does not. It only creates pain.

Now take a full, deep breath and think about the color of your car. What color is your car? Great! That’s a nice color. (Pattern Interrupt.)

As you focus in again on the picture frame that holds the unwanted behavior, I want you to place in the bottom corner of this frame a wallet-sized image that represents how you would now like to behave. This small picture represents the wanted behavior. Create a snapshot of how you are now going to think, feel, and behave.

This image shows the person that you are becoming and the behaviors you will now engage in. Imagine yourself standing tall, shoulders back, chin up, a sparkle in your eye, and a smile on your face. When you look at this picture, you should get a warm, fuzzy, excited feeling inside. A feeling of hope, confidence, and motivation should begin to emerge. It may feel small at first, but it will grow.

Now make this smaller photo of the wanted behavior black and white, and shrink it down so that it seems quite tiny and lifeless. Do this now.

You should now have two pictures in the picture frame: The large color photo of the unwanted behavior in the center of the frame and a small black and white photo of the wanted behavior in the bottom corner.

In a moment, you’re going to say the word “Swish!” out loud. As you say the word “Swish!” imagine those two pictures switching places and attributes. The large color image of the unwanted behavior is going to fall down into the bottom corner of the frame and become small, black and white, and faded.

The wallet-sized photo of the wanted behavior that represents you feeling strong, confident, and empowered is going to shoot up into the center of the picture frame with great speed, and become big and bright and colorful. It will seem to jump right in front of you as the other picture fades from your awareness. Switch these two images as quickly as you can!

Ready . . .
“Swish!”

Immediately that old, unwanted picture drops down into the corner of the frame, becoming a tiny black and white and so faded that you barely notice it. Simultaneously, the new, empowering image of you strong, focused, and taking positive action jumps into the center of the frame big, close, and bright!

Outstanding! Now pretend that a large curtain lowers down over the picture frame, hiding the frame from your eyes. Behind this curtain, those two pictures return back to their original positions. The unwanted behavior moves to the center of the frame, taking on the attributes of big and colorful. The wanted behavior moves to the bottom corner of the frame, taking on the attributes of small and black and white.

In a moment, this curtain will quickly lift, revealing the picture frame again. As soon as you can imagine seeing the unwanted picture (behavior), say the word “Swish!” This will trigger the two pictures to switch places and attributes once more. The key to this is in how fast you can get those two pictures to switch places.

Curtain opens . . .

“Swish!”

You see the unwanted picture with the old feelings. “Swish!” The new picture instantly jumps up into the center of the frame, blocking your view of anything else. The old picture falls down into the corner of the frame and becomes even smaller, dimmer, and hazier than before! The desired picture gets bigger and brighter than ever. It even seems to move closer toward you, which makes you feel more hopeful, confident, and motivated in every way.

Fantastic! You’re doing great! Now let that curtain drop back down over the picture frame again. Take a deep breath in and relax your shoulders. As you do, imagine the pictures reluctantly moving back to their original positions, taking on their original attributes. In a moment the curtain will lift once again. As soon as you see or think about the old unwanted behavior, it instantly triggers the swish-switch. The new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors immediately appear in your mind’s eye.

Curtain opens . . .

“Swish!”

See, hear, or feel the old thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. “Swish!” Immediately you imagine yourself thinking, feeling, or behaving in the more desirable way! Imagine yourself in full color, larger than ever, right in front of you.

This time the unwanted picture crumbles and falls out of the frame completely. The picture of the new, empowered you continues to expand as it fills up the entire picture frame. It’s even brighter and more colorful than ever before, which makes you feel even more confident, excited, and motivated!

This particular exercise is referred to as a swish pattern. The goal is to create a link between the unwanted and wanted behaviors so that every time you begin to engage in the unwanted behavior, it triggers the new behavior instead. We want to condition your brain to do this automatically, unconsciously, and consistently. For this to happen, you must practice this swish pattern fifty times. It goes pretty quickly, and once the link is firmly established in your brain, it should be permanent.

Imagine starting to slip into an old habit of procrastinating and then “Swish!” the thought or feeling of wanting to take immediate action blazes into your mind. Instead of trying to eliminate old behaviors, you are now transforming them and using them to your advantage. Imagine starting to procrastinate and then suddenly feeling a rush of enthusiasm and motivation course through you. That would be pretty amazing, right? Well, that’s exactly what doing this exercise repeatedly will create for you.

Therefore your mission is to do this “Swish!” pattern fifty times. You can be a maniac and do it all right now or you can space it out over the next couple of days. Either way is fine. Just make sure you do it. Trust me; you will want to do this! The first time you revert back to an old, unwanted habit and your mind blasts you with the new feeling and action without any conscious effort on your part, you will be freaking amazed!

Making it Work in the Future

Let’s add one more element to this exercise. Imagine yourself in the future, perhaps months from now, and you’re doing great. Everything’s wonderful, and then all of a sudden something goes wrong, and you start to retreat back into old pain-producing habits. You see that old picture, those old doubts, those old insecurities, and then all of a sudden, “Swish!”

The empowering picture and all the wonderful feelings that go with it instantly jumps into the forefront of your mind. Suddenly you imagine yourself getting refocused once more. You immediately feel strong, confident, and in control now and in the future. Take a few minutes and fully play this out in the theatre of your imagination now.

An Auditory Alternative

That particular swish pattern works well for those who are visual, meaning that you are easily able to visualize pictures in your mind. If you attempted to do this exercise but had a hard time picturing the images I described, try the following exercise instead.

Auditory people don’t really see pictures. You might get glimpses of something in your imagination, and you know what things look like, but you don’t see it clearly in your head. Auditory people prefer talking things out in their minds. If this is the case for you, do the following modified exercise.

Imagine how your voice sounds when you start to procrastinate, for example. The pitch is probably low, and there’s no energy to it. Perhaps the voice sounds like it’s coming from the left, rear side of your head. What might that voice say when it wants you to procrastinate? Perhaps, “I don’t feel like it. I’ll do it later.”

Great. Hey, what color is your car again? Okay, now imagine how your voice might sound if you were incredibly motivated. This voice may be higher or deeper pitched and sound stronger and more energetic. Maybe this voice seems to come from the front center part of your head. What might this voice say when it’s really motivating? Perhaps, “Do it now! Let’s go!”

Now run the swish pattern. Imagine starting to hear that old, familiar voice in the back of your head, and suddenly the stronger, more powerful and motivated voice drowns it out as it blasts loudly in front of you. Imagine that the more empowered, motivated voice is coming through a high-powered Bose audio system, which immediately drowns out any weaker voices. Keep using the first voice to trigger the second one until it happens automatically.

The Feeling’s Approach

Still there are others who don’t see things or hear things as much as they feel them. These people have a representational system that is more kinesthetic, or physical, in nature. Kinesthetic people tend to go by how they feel. Their gut reactions usually drive their behaviors. If you think this applies to you, do the following.

Imagine getting in touch with the feeling that you get when you procrastinate. Brian, a kinesthetic client of mine, described a heavy sensation in his stomach whenever he procrastinated. When he felt motivated, however, there was a light, tingling sensation in his chest. So we used the sensation and the location of the feelings in the swish pattern.

If you want to keep it really simple, do what my ten-year-old client, Sarah, did. She would get really scared when it rained outside. I asked her to get in touch with the fearful feelings she experienced when it rained. Then I asked her what color it was. She said, “Red.”

Then I asked her how she would like to feel when it rained. She said, “I want to feel safe like when my mom holds me.” I asked her to get in touch with that feeling and then to give it a color. She said, “It looks green.” We then did a simple swish pattern in which Sarah thought of it raining, felt the “red” feeling, and swished it to “green.”

We repeated this three times, and Sarah started smiling broadly. I asked what was happening. She said, “I hear the rain and I see a green rainbow. It makes me feel good.” From then on, Sarah was able to get through rainstorms just fine. If a ten-year-old can use this swish pattern to overcome her limitations, so can you.

Want to know why I asked you the color of your car? It was a pattern interrupt. I wanted you to feel two separate and distinct emotions. I didn’t want you intertwining them. The last thing you want is to feel highly motivated to procrastinate.

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Chapter 20
Unstoppable Confidence

Because your actions are dictated by your emotions, the following exercise will help you to generate stronger confidence whenever you wish to feel it.

Transformation Exercise:

Unstoppable Confidence in 10 Steps - Generating Your Circle of Power

Step One: In your mind, imagine drawing a large circle in front of you using your favorite color of paint.

Step Two: Next, think about the last time you really felt relaxed. Perhaps you were on vacation and you got to sleep in. Or maybe you were reclining back in your favorite chair watching a movie. As you replay this memory in your mind, intensify the emotions using the submodalities (characteristics) you learned about earlier. Make the memory brighter, more colorful, and clearer. Bring it closer, make it bigger, and turn up any relaxing sounds.

As you think about this memory, what is it specifically that makes it so relaxing for you? What are you seeing in your mind? What are you hearing and feeling? When you feel really relaxed, where do you feel it in your body? Perhaps you think back to a time when you were curled up on the couch next to a fireplace. You see the warm, red blanket, and there’s soft music playing in the background. You can feel the heat from the fireplace, and your arms and legs go loose and limp.

Step Three: As you begin to re-experience that sensation of relaxation from recalling this memory, take a deep breath in and visualize yourself stepping forward into the circle you drew a moment ago. As you bring the memory, including the images, sounds, and sensations into your circle of power, envision the circle being filled with great feelings of relaxation. A sense of comfort and peace engulfs the circle, and as you stand in the center of it, you feel saturated with a feeling of security and ease.

Take another deep breath, and then take a step backward, exiting the circle of power and leaving all the relaxing emotions inside. From the outside of your circle, you might imagine swirling lights or waves of relaxing emotion floating within your circle. Or you may just sense that each time you enter this circle, you’re filled with sensations of incredible calm.

Step Four: Next, think back to a time when you felt very confident. Perhaps it was a time when you set a goal, followed through, and achieved it. Maybe you won an award or received recognition for a job well done. Choose a memory like this and experience it in the same way that you did with the relaxing memory. Take your time and do this now.

In this memory, what is it specifically that makes you feel confident? What do you see, hear, and feel? Perhaps you did really well on a project and your manager complimented you. You hear his words and feel the pat on your back. Confidence and pride fill your chest, and you feel a rush of excitement course through your body. Get this feeling moving through your body again right now. Make it strong, and then double the feeling of confidence.

Hold your body the way you did when you felt confident in the past. Take a full, deep breath and sit or stand up straight. Say to yourself what you said or heard then, and use the same tone of voice. Allow your body to fill with that strong, confident emotion, and when you feel as confident as you can in this moment, imagine stepping forward into your circle of power.

Immediately sense that feeling of relaxation that was established before, but now you also feel that inner strength that comes from being internally empowered as well. As the confident and relaxing emotions combine, you become more focused. In your circle of power, with the lights swirling around, you begin to feel powerful. This feels good.

Absorb this wonderful sensation, and then confidently take a step back as you exit your circle of power. Although you are feeling exceptionally good now, know that every time you step into this circle, you will immediately feel more relaxed, confident, focused, and powerful.

Step Five: Well done! Now, think back to a time when you felt incredibly persistent, maybe even stubborn. A time when you decided that you were going to get your way no matter what it took. Maybe you got hungry in the middle of the night, so you drove to every grocery store in town until you found one that was open.

Or it might have been a particular job or position in a company that you set your sights on and pursued until you attained it. Young kids provide many examples of persistence when they want something, even when their parents say no. Think of something that you persisted in getting and then got. Do this now.

Once you have this memory, do the same thing you did with the circle before. Use your imagination to intensify the emotions, and then imagine bringing that emotion into your circle of power. Do this now.

As you step into your circle, imagine immediately feeling relaxed, confident, and persistent. This incredible combination of emotions makes you a force to be reckoned with. You are powerful, strong, and focused, and if you put your sights on something, you’re going to get it! This makes you feel good. It makes you feel strong. It makes you feel motivated! Enjoy this sensation and then exit your circle and admire the swirling vortex of power you have created.

Step Six: Standing outside your circle of power now, are there any other emotions you’d like to add to the circle? Is there another specific emotion that you would like to experience more often? If so, go through the same process that you did when feeling relaxed, confident, and persistent. Add as many positive emotional states as you wish, and then continue to the next step. Do this now.

Step Seven: Fantastic! Imagine standing in the center of your circle of power soaking in the powerful, positive, loving, pleasurable feelings that you have created. Know now with confidence that you can achieve anything you want in life by keeping these driving emotions alive within you.

Believe with certainty that when in this circle you have the courage to succeed at making your life a masterpiece! You are becoming the person you have always wanted to be right this second. This feels great, doesn’t it? Sure it does! And the feelings will become even stronger over time, especially as you reinforce your circle of power over time. This is how. . . .

Step Eight: Each time you naturally feel empowered, imagine your circle and bring the emotion into it. Step forward into your circle and add this particular emotion to the mix. Doing so will actually strengthen all the emotions that are already in there.

Step Nine: Now step out of your circle and notice if there is anything that you’d like to remove from your circle. If so, imagine vacuuming it up or vaporizing it with a laser beam. Make sure the circle contains only good feelings that reassure and compliment you, emotions that help you believe in yourself and the beauty of your dreams. Take your time and do this now.

Step Ten: Wonderful. For the final step in this exercise, think of something that’s been troubling or concerning you. Maybe it’s a problem or decision you’re facing that’s making you feel insecure or doubtful. Perhaps there’s a goal that, if you fully committed, it would result in a substantial upgrade in the quality of your life.

The only problem is that you keep shutting down instead. You may even suffer from a nagging fear that “it’s never going to happen.” Envision a situation like this in your mind, create a mental snapshot of it, and get in touch with the uncomfortable or fearful feelings that accompany it. Do this now.

Very good. I imagine it was fairly easy to get in touch with those fearful emotions. People go to insecure emotional states much more often than confident states. Notice I said “go to.” Remember, you create the feelings you experience throughout the day. Some think that feelings just happen. But feelings don’t come to you. You go to them. Out of the dozens of emotional states that you could experience in a day, there are about six that you habitually go to.

“Feelings don’t come to you. You go to them.”

Before I made the changes in my life that I am asking you to make in yours, the six emotional states I continually generated were anxiety, motivation, enthusiasm, fear, frustration, and sadness. Then I’d go back to anxiety and start the cycle all over again. This is what it was like.

I’d begin to feel anxious because I knew my life could be more than it currently was. Suddenly I’d get a surge of motivation to charge forward and, with great enthusiasm, I would begin setting and accomplishing hundreds of goals and tasks during the week. Yet, after a while, I’d begin to feel as though I weren’t making the kind of progress that I thought I should be making. That’s when I’d start getting frustrated.

Frustration is an extremely limited state of mind, and from it comes nothing but mistakes, disasters, and letdowns. I’d let my fears begin to get the best of me until I finally lost my motivation and drive and became sad. Eventually, I’d snap myself out of this pity party mood by thinking that if I didn’t pick myself back up and start moving forward again, I’d never get what I wanted. The anxiety I felt from having that thought compelled me to get motivated once more, and I was off again.

For quite a while I thought I was the only one who experienced this vicious cycle, yet after talking with thousands of business professionals, I found that it’s pretty common among entrepreneurs. Many times when we think we are all alone and nobody could possibly understand what we are going through, remember that there is really nothing that you or I could go through that others haven’t already experienced.

If it is, you can change it in the same way that I did through utilizing your circle in the following way. As you think about the memory or situation that’s been holding you back, identify specifically what it is that’s upsetting you. What’s the real worry or fear if you get down to the nitty-gritty? Is it a fear of rejection or failure? Are you afraid of looking bad or getting hurt? Identify the specific fear now.

Once you’ve created a snapshot of the fear-producing situation you’d like to eliminate from your life, take a deep breath, and imagine dragging this snapshot into your circle of power. As you do, immediately notice how the picture instantly transforms. Feeling relaxed, confident, focused, persistent, and whatever else you added, the fear suddenly becomes smaller and seems more fragile. An idea enters your mind. “I can handle this. It’s not that big of a deal.”

When you feel secure and resourceful, any situation will feel more within your control. Imagine now feeling in control and in charge as you imagine the once-fearful feelings evaporating and being replaced with feelings of peace and confidence. Although the particular details of this once-fearful snapshot have not changed, your mindset and feelings have, and this is what will make all the difference.

Situations that once appeared so scary or overwhelming are now shrinking as you gain perspective. They are suddenly no big deal because you are not making them a big deal any more. You are in control! You are strong! You are tough! You are way more powerful than any situation or singular event! You are an incredible, creative force to be reckoned with, and the ability and resilience within you is simply awesome!

Take this snapshot and transform it into a movie of you taking charge and being proactive while feeling confident and resourceful. Then decide what action steps you can take today to produce the positive outcomes you desire. Actually, by doing this exercise, you’ve already taken the most important first step.

Taking action will make you feel empowered. Procrastinating will make you feel insecure and doubtful. Before taking that action, get in the habit of entering a resourceful state by stepping in to your circle of power. This will remind you that you have many choices that are available to you at any given moment. When people get scared and shut down, they enter a very limited state of awareness. Often they only see one or two options available to them, and both are typically unattractive.

As you take action from a secure, resourceful state, you’ll start getting more desirable outcomes, and the fastest way to enter this state of resourcefulness is through stepping forward into your circle of power. In fact, if you have other self-limiting fears or situations, drag them one at a time into your circle and transform them! Because you are becoming more assertive and self-confident each day, situations that at one time seemed insurmountable will now be conquered.

Again, it was never the situations themselves but your interpretations that mattered most. Over time you’ll discover things working out easier for you, because instead of debating situations or procrastinating, you simply make a choice, take action, get results, and then make another decision based on the feedback you got.

The whole decision-making process becomes easier because you realize that nothing is finite. There’s always another choice available to you, which eliminates the fear of failure because from this perspective, there’s only feedback. No failure, just feedback, and you always have the choice to make that feedback work to your advantage.

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Chapter 21
How to Keep The Results You’ve Achieved!

You’ve begun to take action with a powerful positive attitude and other tools to reach your goals. Now I’ll reveal the ultimate secret for remaining courageous, competent, and happy throughout your lifetime: Create an internal and external environment that supports your goals and dreams. First, your external environment.

Creating a Supportive External Environment

What kind of environment do you surround yourself with? What kind of television programs or movies do you watch? What kind of books do you read? (Here is where you say “I’m reading a great one right now!” ☺) Do you listen to audiobooks?

What kind of music do you listen to? What kind of people do you hang out with? Do you attend inspirational classes or seminars? Do you have a place in your home where you can relax or be revitalized? Do you have a place where you can go to be motivated or spiritually refreshed?

The answers to those very important questions will reveal a lot about how your unconscious mind is currently being programmed! Remember what we said earlier in the book.

Your genie doesn’t care what’s good or bad for you. That’s the function of your conscious. Your unconscious is responsible for manifesting reality, not judging it. So you better make damn sure that you’re feeding your genie what you actually want. To accomplish this, focus on what you want and fill your day (and your mind) with activities and people that support it!

Television and Movies

Many people who watch their local news before going to sleep report feeling tired or grouchy in the morning. Motivational legend Zig Ziglar continually warned people about watching the news before going to bed. “It fills your brain with negativity that your unconscious mind then processes all night long.

For many, it’s the number one reason for why they wake up in the morning feeling tired and agitated.” This is because you are feeding your mind pure glumness and misery while your mind is in a naturally hypnotic state! Show anyone a program full of murder, violence, and rape before going to sleep and they are going to suffer from it! If you watch the local news—or negative, violent movies—try turning it off for a week, or tune in to the uplifting segments and movies, and see if your spirits lift. My money says they do!

Libraries and Bookstores

Want to continually reinforce your positive outlook and motivation? Get to the local library or bookstore and pick up some audiobooks for the car and motivational books for your nightstand! I strongly recommend immersing yourself in audio programs and books like the one you are reading right now.

When first beginning my journey of self-improvement, I didn’t actually know anyone who was as positive, confident, or successful as I wished to be. So I went to the local library in search of mentors. If I didn’t know anyone personally, I figured I could meet some people through the books they wrote. That was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Grab any title that jumps out to you and read or listen to it. Some of the material will be garbage, and some will be golden. The only way to find out is to dive in. I used to grab four or five audiobooks at a time and listen to them all day long while I drove, cut the grass, or went for walks. I truly believe that I learned more about how to be confident, happy, and successful from those free books at the library than all eight years that I went to college and graduate school for psychology.

I attribute most of my success to the audiobooks that I borrowed from the library. My friends were Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Zig Ziglar, Brian Tracy, John Grey, Scott Peck, Deepak Chopra, Steven King (not motivational, but a great story teller). I haven’t met most of these authors, and yet I still feel like we are close friends.

I’ve listened to their life experiences, words of advice, and triumphs and failures so many times that they have become a part of my life. Just like I am becoming a part of your life right now. I am here to support, inspire, and motivate you. I want you to succeed. I want you to be happy. I want you to have the best life possible!

People

You want to hang around people like me because I want what’s best for you with no strings attached! This is what those authors wanted for me, and this is what I want for you. Perhaps you will do the same for others if you’re not already doing so. When you reach for another’s hand, make sure it is pulling you up. If it pulls you down, that is not the hand you should be reaching for.

“When you reach for another’s hand, make sure it is pulling you up. If it pulls you down, that is not the hand you should be reaching for.”

Have you ever heard this expression: “If you want to fly like an eagle, don’t hang out with turkeys”? It came from the idea that you become who you most hang out with most. If you grew up in a family full of overweight people, the odds are you will become overweight simply because you’re absorbing all the bad habits that make people heavy.

If you’re working toward financial freedom, realize that your income will likely be the average of the five people you hang around most. Thus, if you truly want to be successful, you must model those who you wish to be like and avoid those who provide a poor example.

Here is a great example of what not to do. If you’re trying to lose weight, do not call your overweight friend to go for walks with you. As soon as she cancels on you—and she will—you’ll immediately lose all motivation, and the walk will never happen. Instead, you have to call your healthier friend and invite her for a walk. If you model (mimic) her attitude and behaviors toward being healthy, you’ll become this way too.

This was the biggest challenge for me. I realized that some of my old friendships had to be let go of, at least until I had rooted myself in the new beliefs and behaviors that I desired. You may have certain friends that are fun to be with but poor role models when it comes to what you want from life. Or perhaps you have friends who are constantly complaining, shooting you down, or focused solely on themselves.

These people are like crabs in a barrel. If one crab climbs to the top of the barrel, ready to escape, all the other crabs will work together to pull that one crab back down to the bottom. Moral of the story: Avoid crabby people.

What happens when the person you’re married to is the one bringing you down? I’m asked this one often. Here’s the short answer. First, stop focusing on what your spouse is doing to you and instead focus on what you can do to improve the situation.

We often seem to attract our opposite when it comes to relationships. One partner will be more easygoing and the other more cautious and analytical, which can inspire balance and harmony. Two analyzers would drive each other crazy, and two dreamers would never get anything accomplished.

If you feel your partner is critical or unsupportive, step back from the situation and ask yourself, “What’s really going on here?” If your spouse is constantly upset, complaining, or acting needy, what s/he is really trying to convey to you is, “I’m hurting! I’m in pain! I need your help!”

Whether your partner has a lot of self-esteem issues or not, when they behave in this manner, there actually is a positive intention behind it (a secondary gain). That positive intention, which is usually out of your partner’s conscious awareness, is either a need for connection, significance, or validation.

If you work many long hours, your wife may feel like your job is her competition. If you invest all of your energy and attention in your kids, your husband may no longer feel significant or important to you. This book isn’t about relationships, although that’s a huge factor in how successful you will become in life. Thus I recommend two excellent resources on relationships: Dr. John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and Anthony Robbins Relationship Breakthrough, with an introduction by Cloé Madanes’s. What they’ve learned from their experiences will transform your relationship!

I’m also asked what to do in regards to extended family members who are unsupportive. If you have a parent or sibling who is critical or discouraging, distance yourself from that person. Just because you have the same blood doesn’t mean they have the right to negatively influence your life. Even if you call this person Mom or Dad, s/he is just another person.

If you have to take care of this person because s/he is older and nobody else can do it, lay down the ground rules. If you stay persistent, stubborn, and consistent in telling him/her how you expect to be treated from now on, eventually they will either comply or get put in a home.

Do I sound harsh? What’s really harsh is how I’ve seen critical, selfish people take advantage of really kind souls, and the main reason it happens is because the kind souls tolerate it and play the helpless child role.

People will treat you the way you treat yourself. Use the tools in this book to make you stronger, and then systematically begin to teach people to treat you in the way you are now treating yourself (respectfully) or they will no longer be receiving your attention.

Fred and Ethel were both in their late eighties. Ethel was an incredibly sweet and caring woman who’d do anything for anyone. Fred, on the other hand, was a little rough around the edges. Each year Fred and Ethel attended the state fair. At this particular fair, one of the attractions happened to be a local pilot who offered to take people up in his three-seater airplane so that they could view the fair from above.

Every year Ethel begged Fred to go for a plane ride, and every year Fred resisted. Ethel would say, “Come on, Fred. Let’s go this year,” and every year Fred would reply, “Well, I’d like to go, but you know it costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” So they never went.

They never went, at least, until last year. Last summer was Fred and Ethel’s sixty-fifth wedding anniversary, and it was around the same time as the state fair. As they entered the fairgrounds, Ethel became excited. “Look, Fred,” she exclaimed, “the man with the plane is here again! Can we go?” Fred thought about it for a moment, and then behaved as he always had.

“Well, I’d like to, but it costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” Ethel spoke up this time. “But, Fred, if we don’t go now, we might not ever get to. We’re not that young anymore, and we might never get the chance to do something like this ever again.” Fred replied, “Yes, this is true, but ten dollars is still ten dollars.”

Meanwhile, the pilot overheard their conversation and approached them. “Excuse me. I overheard your conversation, and I’d like to make you an interesting proposition. I will take you both up in my airplane and give you the ride of your life, and as long as you’re quiet and I don’t hear one single peep out of you, then the ride is absolutely free!

However, if I hear one noise, one yelp, one scream, it’s ten dollars!” Ethel looked at Fred excitedly and said, “Come on, Fred. We can do it. Come on. Let’s go.” This time Ethel actually pulled Fred toward the plane, more telling him to go than asking. Finally, Fred submitted and they went.

As the pilot started the engine and took off, he didn’t hear a single sound from either one of them. He began to think, “This gas isn’t cheap. I need that ten dollars.” Immediately the pilot hit the throttle and began diving and climbing and swooshing around. But still he heard nothing. He thought, “This will get them for sure.” He thrust the throttle from side to side and completed a full upside down barrel roll.

But to his amazement, he still didn’t hear even a peep from Fred or Ethel. Finally the pilot landed the plane. He leaned his head back and said, “Ma’am, I have to admit I am very impressed. I really gave it to you, and I didn’t hear anything.” Ethel replied, “That ride was so exciting. I even got scared a couple of times. And when you did the roll where we went upside down and Fred fell out of the plane, I really wanted to say something. But ten dollars is ten dollars!”

Find a couple of mentors, positive role models that you can emulate, and invest in their programs, seminars, and information. We all need coaches and positive influences in our lives. It doesn’t matter how happy or successful you already are, coaches can make your life better. The richest people in the world have coaches. The most successful people have coaches. Heck, Oprah Winfrey has a life coach. You should have one too.

Another thing you can do is join a social club where members have similar interests or are involved in charity work. If you wish to grow a business, join a powerful networking group in your area and introduce yourself to people you can learn from.

You could also go to a local bookstore and join their book clubs and social events. It will be difficult for you to meet other supportive people if you never leave the house.

Create the Best External Environment for You

The people you surround yourself with will have a strong influence over your life and so will the movies you watch, the books you read, the shows you view on television, and the social situations you include yourself in. Wayne Dyer once said that when you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out because that’s what’s inside. You would not expect to squeeze an orange and have lemon juice seep out. His point was that when life puts the squeeze on you, how you respond is determined by what’s inside of you.

When responding to critical people, stressful time constraints, money pressures, and other problems, how do you respond? What comes out of you? Do you react with anger, sadness, frustration, love, or calm focus? Much of what’s inside of you is a result of what’s being absorbed from around you because you soak in your surrounding environment like a sponge.

“It will be difficult for you to meet other supportive people if you never leave the house.”

It doesn’t matter how strong or positive you think you are. If you’re in the midst of a toxic environment long enough, it will eventually wear you down. It may not topple you completely, but it’s not worth chancing it any longer. Therefore, begin right now to build a stronger, more supportive atmosphere for you to immerse yourself in so that when life puts the squeeze on you, courage, determination, and strength is what’s released because that’s what’s inside.

Reading books, having coaches, attending seminars, and joining positive social groups are all great individually. However, adding them all together and making them a part of your life will transform you!

“Much of what’s inside of you is a result of what’s being absorbed from around you because you soak in your surrounding environment like a sponge.”

I listen to audiobooks daily, I have several motivational books on the nightstand by my bed, I’m chapter president of a local networking group (BNI), and I’ve surrounded myself with successful, motivated people who are striving to be the best that they can be. You can do the same. Start out small and begin building your external supportive environment. One thing to avoid may be “support groups.” Initially, if you’re going through difficult times, especially because of medical or health reasons, support groups can be wonderful. Just be selective of the groups you attend.

I’ve lectured for a couple of groups that received many secondary gains from playing the victim. The group you join must be supportive and focused on solutions. Gathering with others who are as lost as you is not the goal. Hang around those who have already overcome what you’re going through so that you have someone to model yourself after. Remember, eagles and turkeys. There’s a reason we don’t eat eagles on Thanksgiving.

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Chapter 22
Transforming Your Past

The reason your external environment is so important is because it directly influences your internal environment. The unconscious mind is heavily programmed by the information coming in through your senses, especially visual and auditory input.

What you consistently see and hear gets recorded and acted upon by the portion of your brain that controls 80 percent of what you do. Thus it makes sense to heavily monitor this external information, doing your best to make sure it is of a positive and emotionally supportive nature.

Transformation Exercise:

Listen & Notice

Listen to the conversations other people have over the next week. Pay particular attention to what they say to themselves. You’ll be surprised, perhaps even shocked, how much people’s words sabotage their own efforts. Also notice how this forces you to pay attention to the things you focus on and say to yourself each day. After a while, it will no longer surprise you as to why you’ve felt the way you have.

Examples of Negative Self-talk:

“It’s going to be one of those days.”

“How’s it going?” “Well, it’s Monday.”

“Every time it happens, I just get so mad.”

“Nobody is buying anything in this economy!”

“If he wouldn’t have said this, I wouldn’t have said that.”

“Life’s a bitch and then you die.”

“If I have any luck, it’s bad luck.”

“Why me?”

Even though it’s not what’s happening around you but how you’re interpreting it that determines your experience, it will be much easier for you to feel good if you are around good things. For example, the best way to improve your self-talk is to hear others speaking positively around you. That’s why I recommend inspirational movies, audiobooks, and role models.

Creating a Supportive Internal Environment

As we discussed in the previous chapter, certain family members can be toxic to your personal and professional success. Just because you have the same blood doesn’t mean they have the right to abuse or disrespect you or that you should let them. You must demand respect for yourself by giving it to yourself first. Demanding respect from someone else without respecting yourself will never work. Yet most people continue doing this. They attempt to manipulate or bargain for another’s approval by sacrificing themselves.

“Demanding respect from someone else without respecting yourself will never work. Teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself. Also, if you want more respect, be more respectful!”

I’ve worked with more clients than I can count who were torn between anger and guilt because they were in charge of caring for a parent who had made them feel “less than” their sibling(s) growing up. “You’d think my sister was made of gold,” one client stated. “I do everything for my mother, and it’s never good enough. She’s constantly saying that my sister would have done it this way and she’s so much better at doing that! If my sister’s so damn great, where the hell is she? I’m the one taking care of my mother, by myself, and I’m sick of it!”

Every time I’ve ever responded with “Then stop taking care of her,” I hear “I can’t. She needs me.” That’s the guilt talking. Although this may be a factual statement, it is driven by the fact that this woman still seeks the approval of her mother. Thus she sacrifices her own self-esteem by tolerating the disrespect of her mother.

Clients go on to justify their behaviors by saying, “It wouldn’t make any difference anyway. She’s been this way her whole life. She’s not going to change now.” I reply, “This too may be correct. However, standing up for yourself is for you, not for her.

You, too, have acted this way your whole life. Are you going to continue staying the same? Allowing others to disrespect or take you for granted is very childish and immature, and it won’t change when your mother dies. You will continue to seek out the approval from others because you’re not getting it from yourself.

The only way to escape this pain-producing cycle is to spend more time chasing your own approval! In fact, once you give yourself what you truly need, you won’t need it from your mother anymore. You’ll finally be free, and when your mom starts on about your sister, you’ll be able to smile or laugh to yourself because it won’t matter anymore.

The guilt and anger toward your mother will be replaced with a sense of compassion and pity. After all, it’s very sad that your mother never loved herself enough to realize how amazing the daughter who takes care of her has become.”

Beginning today, you and I are going to make a deal together, okay? Even if you don’t think that the last example has anything to do with you, it probably does with someone you know, which will hopefully make you a little more understanding. I bet, however, that there is something you are seeking that you feel is “outside” of you. It could be a feeling of love, approval, or respect. It could also be a feeling of success, pride, power, wealth, significance, or connection.

Today you are going to begin giving yourself what you need instead of trying to get it through others! The fastest way to feel the way you want is by giving it to yourself. If you want to feel loved, treat yourself in a loving way. You can start this by giving yourself a BIG HUG right now as you say out loud, “I LOVE ME!” Go on. Wrap those arms around yourself and declare to yourself and the world, “I LOVE ME!” Do this now!

“Today you are going to begin giving yourself what you need, instead of trying to get it through others!”

Did you do it? I hope so. If not, run your BS excuses for not doing this through the Six Power Questions. Then stand in your power and declare, “I LOVE ME!” Any resistance you have toward doing this is stupid and immature. Self-esteem comes from taking positive action.

“Self-esteem comes from taking positive action, not just from saying nice things to yourself.”

The fastest way to let someone know that you love him/her is to tell him/her so and offer a hug. Just thinking it in your head will not convey the message! So take loving action and give this to yourself now. If you’ve already done so, do it again. You’ll need to hear and feel this all the time to really believe in it! Go for it!

If you pretend you’re a doormat, people will line up to walk over you, and that chapter of your life is now over! You are so much better than that! You are too worthy and too wo

nderful to be anyone’s marching ground, even your own. When you treat yourself the way you want to be treated, others will begin to follow suit. Most will treat you with more respect and dignity, though not everyone will. These are the people you need to distance yourself from, even if they are family!

Today you begin treating yourself in the way you ultimately want to be treated. No longer will you wait for “someday” to come around. Today is that day. Nor will you continue to pretend that you are less than who you really are. You may be playing the part of someone who is fearful or limited, but this is a learned pattern of behavior. You must separate yourself from those old, childish behaviors. You were born to be the best that you can be and to enjoy the growth process.

Our Creator never designed anyone to be mediocre. You were not divinely created to hold back. It goes against the very fabric of your being, which is why, when you act in this way, you feel frustrated or sad. You know deep down inside that there is more to life and that you are more than you have become.

You are an incredibly beautiful human being and you deserve to be prosperous and abundant in all areas of your life. The faster you agree with me on this, the sooner it will become your reality. As Henry Ford said, “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” Today believe you can, and what you believe will happen for you.

Transformation Exercise:

Use The Past To Your Advantage

The following is a transformational exercise for believing in yourself and your own worthiness. Although I’ve given you several logical justifications for loving, trusting, and believing in yourself, most of how you behave is based on emotional, and sometimes completely irrational, programming from the past. Thus, you need to attend to these emotions that linger in your internal environment in order for authentic breakthroughs to occur.

The instructions are simple. Continue reading, and as you are asked to think about certain things, allow yourself to do so. As memories start to enter your conscious awareness, stop reading and take as long as you need to complete the exercise. This one visualization can change your entire life. It’s powerful, meaningful, and necessary. But before we begin, I want to ask you a question.

Wouldn’t it have been interesting if you would have had someone in your life who could have been there to console, comfort, or offer an explanation during your most crucial, frightening, or confusing moments?

As an adult, you now see the world in a much different way than you did when you were a child. So much about the world and the people in it can seem confusing and scary when you are a little girl or boy. Children don’t really have any power and can often misinterpret events or others’ behaviors in ways that can negatively affect them their entire lives.

So many of my clients have been mentally imprisoned by feelings of unworthiness because their parents mistreated them. The child thinks, “I must be bad or unworthy of love for my parents to treat me this way.” The child does not have the mental maturity to rationalize that it is their parents who are immature and who have behaved badly. Because children place their parents on pedestals, it can be incredibly challenging as a child to think that their mistreatment can be anything other than their own fault.

Some even feel guilty for being born. They enter the world feeling like a burden, as though they had any kind of control over that. Again, this is faulty parenting and not the child’s responsibility. But we are not dealing with logic here. We are dealing with emotional beliefs and childish feelings that control so many adult children today.

Angie came to see me for weight loss. She was one hundred pounds overweight and had tried everything to lose it. At one time in her life, she actually did lose the weight, but then quickly gained it all back. The most frustrating thing for Angie was that even when she exercised and ate better, her weight never really decreased. Only through hypnosis was she able to understand why.

I led Angie through the exercise you are about to engage in, and this is what happened. Angie was instructed to go back to the earliest time she had ever remembered feeling upset or frustrated. Angie was quiet for a moment and then her bottom lip started trembling. In a small, childlike voice she began to speak.

“I’m very little and my parents are fighting again. My parents were always fighting about money. My being born put a huge stress on them. They never said anything to me directly, but I felt a lot of guilt about being born. If I didn’t exist, maybe they wouldn’t have always been yelling at each other.”

Angie had a crime of existence. If you recall from the beginning of the book, this means that she felt it was a crime that she had been born, and her self-inflicted punishment would be to make herself as non-existent as possible. When first meeting Angie, she was quiet and reserved. She dressed very plain, wore no makeup, and made little eye contact. She described herself as a loner, had a boring job that kept her hidden away from the public, and her only friend was food.

When Angie did manage to lose the weight, she began to attract attention from those around her. This was simply unacceptable to the part of her mind that had become her jailor, and so she unconsciously put the weight back on. Through the use of the following exercise, we were able to help Angie’s inner child clarify what was really going on with her parents and reassure her that she was a good person, created by God, and that she was supposed to be here.

Her birth was not an accident, but a miracle. It took some time before Angie was really able to let that sink in, and when she finally did, the weight came off and stayed off! Her intense loneliness lifted, and thus there was no longer a need to distract herself with food. She was finally freed from her own prison sentence.

To become free from your own self-imposed mental prison, take a slow, deep breath in, and then do the following. First, I’d like you to identify someone that, if s/he were with you during your most trying moments in life, would have been a tremendous source of support for you. This person could have been a grandparent, aunt, neighbor, friend, or favorite cousin. It could also be a movie star, a historical figure, or a spiritual teacher. For the purposes of this exercise, I will be referring to this person as your guardian angel.

Once you have identified who this person might be, imagine going back to the earliest time you ever remember feeling scared, upset, sad, or angry. Whatever your mind comes up with is fine. At first, you may not get anything, but as you allow your mind to take you back to a time growing up when you felt uncomfortable or distressed, eventually something will pop into awareness. It may be a time when your parents were fighting, kids were teasing you, Mom was super critical, Dad was drinking again, or another time.

As your mind conjures up these memories, you may see them in your mind, get glimpses or flashes of them, or hear yourself remembering something. Instead of just recalling this early memory, which would only reproduce the uncomfortable feelings, I’d like you to imagine that your guardian angel was right there with you. Imagine s/he is standing or sitting right beside you, helping you through your time of need.

Perhaps you remember your parents fighting a lot and it made you feel tense and afraid. Imagine your guardian angel comforting you and reassuring you that it’s normal for adults to argue sometimes and that it has nothing to do with you, even if those grown-ups say otherwise.

Pretend that your guardian angel is whispering into your ear that everything is going to be just fine and that you are safe. Your angel says exactly what you need to hear. This person explains the things that seem confusing, reassures you that you are loved, and emphasizes in a very believable way that you are a very good little boy or girl.

With each memory that comes to mind, have your guardian angel give you exactly what you need in the form of love, support, reassurance, and understanding, so that you begin to imagine those memories much differently now. Instead of feeling so bad or confused, you now have a sense of perspective and peace. Your guardian angel becomes a wise, trusted sage who knows just what to say to a child to help him/her understand what is happening.

In this way, situations are no longer misinterpreted and internalized. Even if the parents continue to argue in this memory, you can imagine yourself as a child feeling more calm and secure. Those adults (your parents) did the best they could with what they knew, and you needn’t see those memories as if they were caused by you anymore.

Continue up through the years, jumping from memory to memory, having your guardian angel with you. Notice what an incredibly positive impact this has had on your life, having someone there who has been a role model for you to emulate in your adult years.

Once you reach your present age, imagine drifting into your future. The guardian angel who was once beside you has now become a part of you. Now you provide yourself with the same kind of mature understanding, loving support, and inner security.

Also, because you are becoming better at this every day, you find yourself being able to share this compassion and uplifting support with those around you. Believe me, there are millions of kids who are in desperate need of a few kind words and some supportive smiles. Take all the time you need and continue to visualize this now.

Getting Emotionally Strong

I’d like to lead you through one final exercise that will assist you in creating a stronger internal environment. When you are ready, take a full, deep breath in, and relax your shoulders as you gently exhale. . . .

As you continue to relax, I’d like you to imagine walking up to a rather large stadium. It looks perhaps like a sports arena and the doors are closed, but you hear a lot of commotion coming from within. You can hear people chanting and clapping, and it is all very exciting.

You can almost feel the electricity in the air. You begin to wonder what’s going on and who’s in there. Maybe it’s a big sporting event or a music concert. Perhaps a group of celebrities are going to take the stage and it’s the fans that you hear.

Excitedly you open the doors to this stadium and find yourself walking down a long corridor. As you get closer to entering the stadium, you feel an immense amount of positive energy coming from the light at the end of this hallway. The closer you get to the light, the more incredible it feels. Finally you reach the light and bravely step into it. Looking around, you find yourself on a huge platform and suddenly you realize that you’ve walked out onto the main stage. Thousands of people are facing you, and one by one they begin to see you on stage. Like a chain reaction, these people start going crazy with applause. They’re clapping and yelling and whistling and screaming, and they’re so enthusiastic!

You look around to see who they are making such a fuss over, and instantly you realize they are all looking at you. All of this positive energy is focused on you, and frankly, it’s a bit puzzling. As you look out over the crowd, something happens. You begin recognizing faces! Over there, toward the right, is your favorite aunt. There’s your uncle nearby. Hey, there’s your mom and dad, and your siblings are in the front row!

Your entire family is here. Aunts, cousins, great grandparents, they’re all here. In fact, there are many people you don’t recognize, but it’s as though you recognize them anyway. They are fathers and sons, mothers and daughters that make up your family tree. These people represent your roots, your family history, and they are all here tonight to honor you.

As you continue to scan the audience of cheering fans, you also notice others in your life. There’s the guy from the office, the girl from the coffee shop, and your buddy from church. Next you begin to see all the people from your childhood. The kids that were nice and the ones that weren’t, because each person you met taught you something about life.

Sometimes the people who give us the most grief are also the ones who end up teaching us the most about ourselves and life. Tonight, the friends and the bullies all show up to salute you. It’s like the “game” is finally revealed, and you realize that each individual had a role to play in shaping you into the person you were born to be.

Tonight they are here to honor and commend you for contributing to the world by just being you. There are still thousands more whom you do not recognize. These are the people that you’ve inspired but do not realize it. They are strangers that you smiled at, said hello to, and held the door for. You never realized how much of an effect you’ve had on others until now, and it’s a bit overwhelming.

There are still many others you haven’t met yet, but in the near future you will meet them. These are the people who will enter your life as you need them. They will inspire you and you will inspire them. In fact, all the people who you will continue to touch in a positive way are also here, almost as if to say thanks in advance.

As you take in the love and positive regard that’s being abundantly sent to you, imagine strolling out to the edge of the stage. Notice a microphone awaiting you. Take hold of it, and with it, as you muster a steady breath, say “Thank you.” As the words leave your lips, thrust your arms in the air in a sign of victory and feel the audience erupt with even more enthusiastic energy and applause than ever before! As you read these words, throw your arms up into the air in a sign of victory! Do it now!

These people love you! They’re chanting your name and sending out positive energy, and you’re absorbing every last drop of it. As you bask in the glory of it all, close your eyes and fill your ears with the applause that rings true and clear. Then, like turning the volume down on your stereo, hear the adulation die down and become silent. As your eyes now open, find yourself alone in the stadium. The fans have disappeared, and yet you can still feel the intense feelings of love and support they instilled in you.

This kind, gentle energy is all around you, and the positive affirmations ring true in the center of your mind. Repeat the following affirmations to yourself now. “I am worthy. I am loved. I am enough. I am good. I am deserving of success. I feel great today and every day gets better and better.

My thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs are just as important as anyone else’s because I am just as important as anyone else. I take chances and calculated risks and I go for what I want in life. I fill my life with love, excitement, and adventure. I take action toward my goals and I believe that I will reach them. I shoot for the moon, and even if I miss, I’ll still land among the stars. My Creator designed me to be the person that I am. I am capable of great things, and whatever I can conceive, I truly can achieve.”

Now take your index finger and tap yourself on the forehead as you say the following out loud: “I create my destiny!” Say this out loud now! “I create my destiny!” Say it again with more passion. “I create my destiny!” Now with even more conviction and belief. “I create my destiny!!!”

Then place your hand over your heart and say, “I have the power!” Say it louder. “I have the power!” Again with greater conviction, “I have the power!” One more time! “I have the power!!!” YES YOU DO!

You create your destiny. You have the power. You have the courage to succeed, and every day you strive to be your best! You live every day to its fullest, so that at the end of your journey you have lived a life worth living. No worries, no regrets, just a life full of memories and self-pride!

You now feel excited, motivated, and confident in every way. You have the power to shape your destiny and the self-belief to follow through. When life gets challenging, fall back on all the insights and exercises that this books provides you. Continue to practice what you’ve learned, and add to your supportive environments often.

The following quote comes from Teddy Roosevelt and it is a part of my internal environment. I recommend adding it to yours. I found it so helpful in times of stress, I actually printed it out, framed it, and hung it over my desk. It gives me courage and inspiration to continue charging forward in the pursuit of my dreams, even when it feels as those all odds are against me. I hope it does the same for you.

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.”

A statue or a monument has never been created to honor a critic because the critics in your life are a dime a dozen. A thousand critics are not worth one person who dares to believe in the beauty of his dreams and bravely pursues them. No critic has ever created change or made a difference in the world. They safely sit back and judge the efforts and risks of others. It is only people like you who put it on the line and go for it that matter most!

You are a winner regardless of the outcome. There can only be success when you have the guts to put yourself out there and go for it. Even if it doesn’t work out, you get the satisfaction of knowing that you tried. There’s no greater sense of satisfaction than knowing that when the dust settles, you’ve lived your life to the fullest.

“There’s no greater sense of satisfaction than knowing that when the dust settles, you’ve lived your life to the fullest.”

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Chapter 23
6 Steps To a New You

Although you do not have control over what happens environmentally (outside of you), you always have control over how you respond to particular people, situations, and/or events, even during working hours. The following exercise uses the process of modeling to empower you through mimicking those whom you consider highly evolved in specific areas, for the purpose of bolstering your leadership skills.

Through mentally engaging in this exercise now, you will be preparing your mind to respond automatically in a positive manner when faced with future situations that may have stressed you in the past. The more you condition your brain to automatically respond positively and resourcefully to life, the more enjoyable life and career will be. Here we go!

Transformation Exercise:

Modeling: 6 Steps to a New You

Step One: Select a leadership skill or behavior worth having. Choose a skill, resource, or ability that you would like to possess more of, or a behavior that you want to act out but have not been able to do thus far. For example, maybe you want to feel more calm and in control under stressful situations. Or perhaps you’d like to be even better at following through and staying motivated.

Next, identify when and where you want to be able to behave in this manner. Get specific. Saying “all the time” isn’t very effective since no behavior is appropriate in every context. For instance, being motivated to take action is usually good, but sometimes you need to know when to sit back and take a break. Remaining calm under stress is good, but sometimes it is absolutely appropriate to get angry or upset. Again it comes back to having clarity. In what specific situations is it most important that you exhibit this new behavior?

Now think of someone who can do what you want very well. Perhaps someone you know personally like a business associate, or perhaps a favorite actor or a key historical figure. You can even make someone up if you wish. It doesn’t matter whether you know this person or not, only that you have some representation of this person behaving in a way that reflects what you want for yourself.

Step Two: Visualize your role model in action in your life. Imagine a particular situation in which you would like to respond with your new leadership skills or behaviors. Yet instead of you being the main character, imagine watching your role model demonstrating his or her leadership abilities in your life. Whether you see this visually in your mind, talk yourself through it, or just get a sense of it is fine.

Zoom in on how resourcefully your role model handles him/herself in this particular situation. Notice what your role model focuses on and how this person speaks to him/herself. Also notice how this person moves. Pay attention to your role model’s gestures, facial expressions, and posture. Watch how this person breathes, and tune in to the tone, tempo, and volume of his/her voice, as well as the words and phrases that are used. Finally, pay attention to the responses this person elicits from other people.

Now that you have seen your role model in action, do you still feel this is the best role model for you? If yes, move on to the next step. If there was something you didn’t like about the role model or the skills that were demonstrated, choose another role model or modify the skills until you love what you’re seeing, hearing, and feeling. Once you know that this is how you would like to handle yourself in those specific situations, move on to step three.

Step Three: Visualize yourself stepping into and becoming your role model. Imagine that you can step into this movie and become your role model so that you know what it’s like to think, feel, and behave in this way. Allow your creative mind to give you the experience of seeing through your role model’s eyes, hearing through his/her ears, and feeling what it’s like to feel and act this way.

As you do so, pay attention to what you are now focusing on through your role model’s eyes. Notice how the end result is always kept in mind. Hear your role model’s voice in your head saying positive, loving, encouraging things that make you feel supported and resourceful. Listen to the empowering questions you are now asking yourself. “What can I do to be successful in this situation right now?”

Notice how your body feels as you take the appropriate actions. Perhaps you are standing tall with relaxed shoulders and a smile on your face. Also, enjoy the feelings that go along with being in control over your mind, emotions, and actions. After all, this is what leadership is all about.

Once you have enjoyed the experience of seeing, hearing, and feeling through the mind and body of your role model, step out of him or her, and then back yourself out of the movie. Put some distance between you and the movie, take a refreshing breath, and then proceed to step four.

Step Four: Replace the role model with yourself. The next step is to imagine yourself in this movie behaving in exactly the same manner as your role model did. Visualize yourself speaking, thinking, and acting like your role model. Observe your posture, facial expression, and breath rate. Listen to the words you are using to support and encourage yourself. Pay attention to the tempo and tone of voice as you ask yourself empowering questions. Also notice how your new response to this situation positively influences the outcome. Experiencing yourself in this way should remind you of your role model.

Step Five: Associate into the new you. Once you are satisfied and/or excited about seeing yourself demonstrating new leadership skills, step into the movie once more. Then step into, and fully associate with, the new you and imagine becoming the person you were born to be!

Begin to see this specific situation in a different way. Looking at it through empowered eyes and focusing on the outcome you desire will make the specific content less important and the way you manage yourself the focal point. Hear yourself speaking with confidence and grace as you feel what it’s like to behave in this proactive manner.

Fully imagine seeing, hearing, and feeling what it’s like to be more resourceful in this kind of situation. Take your time with this step and pay attention to everything you now see, hear, and feel. Be especially aware of the positive emotional state(s) that begin to emerge within you as you carry yourself in this way.

Step Six: Prepare yourself for the future. The final step is to imagine thinking, feeling, and acting in this resourceful manner in the future. Visualize potential future situations where behaving in this way would be appropriate, and imagine yourself rising up to the occasion.

See yourself behaving in exactly the way you would most want to, and notice how good this makes you feel. Listen to yourself saying just the right things to make you feel confident and secure. And feel how you hold your body as you take control of the situation. Take your time and do this now.

You should now imagine a few more future situations in which you’d like to conduct yourself in this way. The more you condition your mind to respond to potential situations, the more you will automatically engage in the desired behaviors. Feel free to make any adjustments to your skills or behaviors that will improve your performance and leadership abilities. Doing so will continue to enrich your experience. You may also seek out other role models that provide you with other empowering attributes and abilities.

There is a lot to this exercise. There’s a lot I’m asking you to do to make it work. But making it work is crucial. Don’t think about what’s in the next chapter, or how long the exercise takes. Make time for it. You deserve it!

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Chapter 24
Taking Charge of Your Life

To live your best life, you must develop strong self-leadership. This entails being able to control your emotions, manage frustration in a mature manner, and do the right thing without having to be repeatedly told or reminded to do so.

Self-leadership is the process of maximizing your ability to remain in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions, while continuously striving for what you believe in and desire. Let’s break this down into easily understandable parts.

Leadership Principle #1

First, self-leadership is a process. It’s ongoing. It’s not something that you complete. It takes continual monitoring and re-directing of your self-talk, mental focus, and emotional states so you feel secure and confident about yourself, others, and your circumstances.

The goal is to continue being optimistic, loving, and supportive no matter what. You may not like certain behaviors you’re engaging in, the negative thoughts you have, or the circumstances you face, but it’s in these times that you need to be even more supportive and encouraging of yourself!

Will you remain positive 100 percent of the time? Probably not, but you should strive to do so anyway! I’ve been studying and applying positive thinking strategies for more than two decades, and as much as I’ve programmed myself to be optimistic, it still requires daily effort.

Yes, it’s much easier than it used to be, and much of it is automatic. But it still takes conscious effort and I’m okay with that. After all, it’s the most important activity I can put effort into since what you say to yourself influences the kind of life you experience.

If you make having a positive attitude your number one priority, most things in life will work out for you, because what you expect to happen tends to happen. Thus, an important part of self-leadership is encouraging yourself, even if others around you aren’t very supportive.

It’s easy to do this when things are flowing smoothly. It’s something else when all hell breaks loose. Being mentally and emotionally there for yourself when you’re facedown in the mud will give you the courage to triumph over any obstacle. Self-leadership is what enables every great man and woman to rise up against the odds and achieve victory. It’s what will get you to the top and keep you there as well!

Leadership Principle #2

Self-leadership is a process of maximizing your ability to remain in control of how you think, feel, and behave, while continuously striving for what you believe in and desire. “In control” suggests being aware of all options and calmly acting in a constructive manner to bring about the best possible outcome.

In any given moment, you need to look at all possible options and make your best decision given what you know. As I said earlier, you’ll get more of what you want by placing attention on what you can do versus what you cannot. When faced with a challenge, ask yourself: “What outcome do I want, and what can I do to get it?” Notice what comes to mind and act on it.

Your tendency will be to react based on old programming and triggers from the past. People who react to situations often blame others for their decisions and behaviors. “If she’d quit complaining, I wouldn’t have to yell all the time!” “If he would quit yelling, I’d stop complaining about it!”

Dr. Phil once said, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” Most would rather be right, and they are rarely happy! Therefore, instead of concentrating on what has happened or what another person has said or done, decide how you ultimately want to feel about it. Then respond accordingly.

True leaders keep the bigger picture in mind and are willing to put their egos aside. They would rather be happy than be right at the expense of those around them.

Leadership Principle #3

Leadership is a process of maximizing your ability to remain in control of how you think, feel and behave, while continuously striving for what you believe in and desire.

Striving for what you truly desire means that you’ve got the guts to believe in your dreams while taking action toward attaining them! Some dreams take time to achieve.

Fear is what you feel when you start focusing on what is rather than on what will be! Yes, you should be grounded in reality. Just remember that reality is very subjective. Reality is your interpretation of what’s happening. You have ultimate power over how you are going to think and feel in any situation. Remind yourself of this constantly, and even problems can become opportunities in disguise.

The other day my office flooded. Someone power-washed the side of the building, and water seeped into my office. When I arrived, a team of people were already sucking up the water and using huge blowers to dry the floor. I lost a couple of books, but no major damage occurred.

While driving home I began thinking about the Law of Attraction. Over the previous couple of months I’d kept thinking about how dirty my carpet looked in the main lobby. Then my office flooded without causing damage. Immediately the manager of my building ordered all my carpets to be professionally cleaned over the weekend at no cost to me.

What originally showed up as a problem revealed itself to be an opportunity for me to have my carpets cleaned for free! Thus, don’t be too quick to judge what shows up in your life. You might just find yourself saying, “Thank you!”

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Chapter 25
Ongoing Success

4 Questions Every Successful Person Must Answer

There are four questions you need to answer as specifically as possible in order to move your life to the next level. If you can answer these questions easily and immediately, you are among the elite few. If, on the other hand, these questions force you to pause, know that answering them specifically will be the final key to unlocking your dreams.

Notice I keep using the word specifically. Through years of asking people what they want in life, I’ve found that most are either unsure or unclear. People focus on what they don’t want or on what they don’t have and, of course, where your attention goes, energy flows.

For example, I’ll ask someone, “What do you want?” He will respond, “I don’t want to be broke.” His unconscious mind hears “I am broke,” and it says, “Okay.” Others will say, “I want to be rich,” but it’s too vague. The unconscious doesn’t know what that means, so it doesn’t take any action at all.

If, however, someone were to say, “I want to make $50,000 a month so I can become debt free, invest in real estate, and have more free time for my family,” your mind will now know what you want and why you want it. The next question for your unconscious should be, “What actions can I now take that will allow me to produce $50,000 per month and have fun doing so?” The answer you receive may come all at once or in pieces.

It may take you a day to execute or ten years. Asking yourself the right questions will be the difference between living your dreams and just dreaming. “The quality of your life is shaped by the quality of your questions.” Here are the four life-altering questions you need to answer.

In your notebook . . .

Take your time writing down the following specific answers now.

What kind of person you want to be and what type of life do you wish to experience?

Why you want this? (What will it do for you?)

What do you believe is holding you back from having what you want?

What actions are necessary to achieve your goals?

Because I’m not able to ask you questions and reply to your responses through this book, instead I’ll lead you through an exercise designed to help you uncover what you really want and what might still be blocking you from having it. Sometimes these blocks are unconscious, but this exercise should bring them to the surface if they exist. Let’s begin.

Transformation Exercise:

Unblocking The Path To Ongoing Success

Take a deep breath in, and slowly let it out. As your shoulders begin to loosen, allow your mind to conjure up an imaginary path. Pretend to walk down this path and notice an object ahead of you blocking your passage. As you approach this object, you recognize that it’s a wall. Notice how tall and wide this wall appears to be. Can you see the end of the wall? Are you able to see over the wall? Or does it block your view of what’s on the other side?

As you step up to the wall now, notice what color the wall is. If you are having difficulty picturing a wall, just make one up in your mind’s eye. Lay your hands upon this wall and get a feel for what the wall is constructed of. Does it look and feel like brick, plaster, wood, or papier-mâché? Is it warm or cool, rough or smooth to the touch? Push on the wall. Does it seem sturdy or wobbly? Are there any doors or windows in this wall? If so, are they unlocked?

As you imagine this wall, it can reveal to your conscious mind how you really feel about reaching your dreams. Does the wall seem intimidating, impenetrable? Perhaps it seems small and easy to get around, yet it’s there for a purpose. Maybe the wall feels like it’s protecting you from what’s on the other side.

Pretend that the path you’re on leads to your dream life. Everything you’ve ever wanted to achieve, own, or experience lies on the other side of this wall. As you contemplate this, wonder “What does this wall represent in my life? Is it trying to protect me in some way? Is there a positive intention for this wall being here?”

Perhaps this wall represents the fear of not being able to reach what’s on the other side. Or maybe it’s protecting you from being let down or hurt by what it might take to achieve your goals. Thus, the positive intention of this wall would be to keep you safe from potential pain in the future.

Of course, you already know my feelings about protecting yourself from perceived pain by keeping yourself in pain now, but your unconscious mind is not concerned with logic. It is, however, concerned with self-preservation, and it will do whatever it deems necessary to protect you from pain.

The fact is that this wall is imprisoning you. It’s holding you back from maturing in the face of adversity. Trying to avoid pain often generates it because you’ll avoid decisions that need to be made since making those decisions makes you feel uncomfortable. Therefore it’s time to confront your fears. Take a step back from the wall and imagine speaking directly to it. Ask the following: “Why are you here, and how are you trying to help me?” Take your time and wait for a response from your unconscious mind. Then read on.

Once you understand what the wall may represent, it’s time to readjust your focus onto what it is that will make your life worth living. Since what you want most lies on the other side of this wall, you’ll need to find a way to get over it. To gain some perspective, imagine stepping several hundred yards back from this wall.

In fact, you might even imagine standing on a tall hill as you gaze down upon this wall. Up close your obstacles and challenges in life may seem formidable. Yet, when you can step back and gain some perspective, the walls no longer seem so scary.

Size up this wall and consider the best method for getting over it. Perhaps you can simply walk around the wall or devise a ladder to climb over the top. Creative clients have envisioned making doors with tools they’ve acquired from the journey thus far. Decide which method you will utilize to get to the other side of your wall. Once on the other side, you will find that what’s waiting for you is positive, useful, and enjoyable! It’s worth the risk, and as you’ll see, it’s the risking that makes succeeding that much sweeter.

Before you carry out your plan for climbing over, imagine that you have reached the other side of the wall where all your dreams have come true. What is your life like? Who are you as a person? How do you take care of yourself? How do you treat others? What material possessions do you have? Where do you live, and what kind of home do you live in? How much money do you have in investments or savings? How are your relationships and friendships? Has your career changed? If so, how? Do you travel? If so, where? Why there? Do you contribute to a favorite charity? If so, which one(s)?

Perhaps you finally have the money to put your kids through college while having plenty of money for yourself as well. How does that make you feel? Perhaps you finally get the recognition, award, or admiration that you’ve been craving. Or you meet the person of your dreams and enjoy a wonderful relationship full of mutual love, respect, open communication, honesty, and passion.

Perhaps most importantly, you’ve created a stronger relationship with yourself, which has finally given you the inner strength and confidence you’ve always desired. Take a few minutes and allow yourself to fantasize about how you would create your perfect life. Remember, your mind is listening, so take your time and do this now.

Do you think reaching your dreams will make you a better person? The answer is YES! It will give you the gift of self-belief and the confidence to be the best person you can be. So much energy is wasted on worrying about money or stressing about actually reaching your goals, yet once you reach a certain level of success—and this level will be different for everyone—money no longer becomes such a source of pain. Yet, whether you’re in the pursuit of this success or you’ve reached it and want more, the time to be loving and supportive of yourself and others is right now.

On the dreams-come-true/goals-met side of the wall, you have truly become your own best friend. Successful people have no other choice but to be loving, encouraging, and supportive of themselves. Otherwise they’d never have the strength to rise up and overcome the millions of obstacles, failures, and challenges they face along their journey.

The question isn’t how many times can you handle getting knocked down. The real question is how many times are you going to get back up. Sometimes the only difference between a winner and a loser is that the winner gets up just one more time. The boxing movie classic Rocky II is the perfect analogy for this.

Because you are supportive of yourself on the dreams-come-true/goals-met side of the wall, you naturally feel supported. This provides internal motivation and a sense of being in control over your own destiny. People who feel this way are very good at thinking things through and taking action.

Visualize yourself being good at starting things and also finishing them, and visualize that your self-leadership skills are exquisite. You don’t need to be told the right thing to do, you just do it. As a result, you easily inspire others by being a positive role model. Each day you strive to be the best you can be. Some days are better than others, but as long as you’re giving it your best, you can go to bed with a smile on your face. No regrets. You gave it your all, and that’s always something to be proud of.

Notice that I’ve been focusing on how you feel about yourself and others. I’m not placing too much attention onto material items like fancy homes, cars, and jewelry. I appreciate all of those things, but those are not sufficiently motivating for most people. What’s actually the key to staying motivated, or internally inspired to succeed, is identifying what emotional states you enjoy experiencing most and then pursuing the things that will trigger those feelings.

Human beings are emotion junkies. Everything you do is motivated by an unconscious desire to experience or avoid specific emotions. People go to work to avoid the pain or despair of lost income. You go on vacation or travel the world because it offers a sense of adventure, excitement, and/or variety. Relationships provide unique emotional states that are difficult to experience individually.

Even making money isn’t for the money itself. It’s for what you think having money will do for you or, more specifically, for how it will make you feel. Being financially independent produces feelings of security, freedom, and power.

With this in mind, identify the emotional states you wish to feel most and then focus on achieving the goals and dreams that will produce them. For example, if you made $5000 extra per month, you could afford to pay off all your bills and go on two big family vacations per year. Paying off your bills would give you a stronger sense of security, and vacationing would allow your family to connect more while meeting your personal need for adventure.

Staying connected to your family, feeling financially secure, and being adventurous are a thousand times more motivating than just setting a goal of making an extra five grand per month. Take some time to specify why you want to achieve the goals while you are still on this side of the wall now.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is in how they dramatically underestimate how powerful they really are. As demonstrated in this book, you have the power to feel any emotion at any time just by how you focus your attention and hold your body. This means you don’t have to wait until you reach your goals to feel the way you want to. You have the power and ability to feel this way right now.

Some of the happiest and most successful people on the planet have learned that the way they feel most of the time will heavily influence the type of situations, people, and opportunities that flow into their lives. Instead of chasing after wealth, they act as if they are already wealthy. The need to chase money suggests lack, and the universe mirrors it back. Acting from a mindset of wealth actually attracts it. Would you rather buy from a needy, desperate salesperson or from a confident, successful one?

Once you’ve identified the life that lies on the other side of the wall, begin to act as if you already have it. Behave as if you’ve already broken through the wall. In fact, looking at the wall from this side, notice if it looks the same as the original wall you started on. Then push on the wall and see if the wall still seems sturdy or formidable.

Does it feel as strong and rooted into the ground, or does it now feel light and flimsy like you could just push it over? Perhaps it seems transparent from this vantage point; it’s more of an illusion that was based upon old fears and limitations of the past that you used to buy into. Maybe the wall doesn’t even exist anymore from this perspective.

With these insights, ask yourself, “If this wall no longer existed, what could I accomplish? If there was no fear, what would I do right now to change my life?” Imagine what your life will now be like knowing that fear is an illusion, self-limitations are fading, and a clear path is emerging.

Then find yourself on the side of the wall where you began. Yet now you possess all the wisdom, understanding, and insights through seeing your life from the other side. You are now stronger and more courageous and aware than ever before. Take a look at the wall now with enlightened eyes and notice if the wall has changed any.

Does it seem as scary or impenetrable anymore? Probably not. Does it feel like it needs to be there anymore? Not really. Say to yourself, “This wall has served its purpose, and I thank my unconscious for this. Now that I’ve received the messages and insights, the wall is no longer needed.”

In any manner you wish, take down the wall now. Push it over, blow it up, watch it fade away, take it down brick by brick, or envision an open door appearing in the center of it. If you feel the wall needs to remain somewhat intact, you’re still getting some type of emotional payoff.

Reread the Secondary Gains chapter and work to remove it. Trust that it will be handled appropriately, and complete your mission of taking down this wall now. Realize that you don’t need this wall anymore. It’s keeping you stuck and taunting you with fears that are merely based on illusion. You’ve been on the other side.

You’ve seen the Promised Land. This is the true test of your character. Can you walk through the fire and trust you won’t get burned? Can you knock down your walls, confront your fears, and know that you will be proud of yourself at the end of it all? Can you? Will you? Then do so now!

Outstanding! With the wall and all that it represented down, you may have a pile of rubble in front of you. Stand on top of this rubble with arms raised in victory! Or perhaps the wall has simply evaporated, and a clear path now lies ahead, leading directly to what you desire most. In fact, as you proceed down this path, imagine your future being bright, warm, and close. Empowering sensations course through your veins as you realize that your life is about to take a turn for the better.

New opportunities and adventures will begin to appear as you continually feel more secure, confident, and free. This feeling will grow stronger every day in every way because you have the courage to take action and call the shots in your life.

Your self-talk is much more enjoyable and optimistic now as you embrace each day with enthusiasm and discovery. As a result, you’re finally feeling the contentment and self-belief you’ve been craving. You no longer have to wait until you’ve reached all your goals to feel the way you’ve been wanting to. You can feel this way right now.

At this very moment, you have more freedom than most people ever will. Your awareness of the options and opportunities you have are now revealed. For instance, it’s no longer necessary to get on a plane to have an adventure. You can find it all around you.

Drive down a road you haven’t been on before, strike up a conversation with a new friend, connect with your partner in a way that rekindles the flames, and find new and exciting ways to make others feel as validated as you do. As you contribute and connect in this way, a whole new level of joy and empowerment will be opened to you.

“Instead of desperately trying to avoid pain, focus on the pleasure you can experience now and in the future. Remember, what you focus on expands!”

Knowing this now, take a full deep breath in and bring your awareness back to the room you’re in. Feel refreshed and reflective of this experience. You may wish to go through this exercise again in the future if new challenges (walls) emerge. Each time should produce new insights and understandings. If you ever notice resistance in the wall coming down, use the exercise in the following chapter to find out why.

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Chapter 26
Never Run Out Of Motivation

I’m incredibly excited to be working with someone of your caliber. Most never get this far in a book, and you’re close to being finished! Hopefully you have benefited already from the peak performance strategies, success formulas, and embedded hypnotic suggestions that are woven throughout this book. They’re all designed to help you become the absolute best that you can be.

I care so much about your triumphant success because you are my favorite type of person. You might be thinking, “You don’t even know me,” but I do. You’re the kind of person who reads books of this nature. Even if this is the first self-help book you’ve read, at least you have the wisdom and insight to reach out for tools and mentors who can empower you. I suppose I appreciate people like you because I’m this way too.

Although I’ve been providing the mechanics and technical aspects for maximizing your personal power, the real magic still comes from inside you. I’ve met a few “gurus” in my time who thought they were the magic ones, but I know better. One of my mentors likes to say, “Sally saw a leprechaun. Bobby saw an elf. But the only magic I’ve ever seen I had to create myself!” Thus, instead of giving you more tools, we’re going to devote this chapter to tapping into the resources that are already inside you.

Do This and You’ll Never Run out of Motivation

There’s a driving force behind all human behavior that’s so instinctive you cannot override it. You can only learn to manipulate it to your advantage. It’s called the Pain-Pleasure Principle. This principle states that all human beings are intrinsically hardwired to avoid pain and gain pleasure no matter what the cost. It’s the survival code that’s built into your genetic code, and it’s what keeps you from driving off the road into a huge tree when you’ve had a really bad day.

People will put themselves through incredible rituals to avoid pain and gain pleasure. You might be thinking, “What about those people who run into burning buildings or who run triathlons? Aren’t they facing pain head-on?” Yes, but their interpretation of the pain is different. When an individual runs into a burning building, it’s always to save another’s life.

That gives the person a feeling of significance if the victim is a stranger, which is pleasurable. If the victim is a loved one, the person is attempting to avoid the pain of a lost loved one. Triathlon athletes train themselves to ignore the pain for hopes of personal triumph and glory.

Most of us, however, are nothing like triathlon athletes, and we will do most anything to avoid even the slightest pain. Instead of desperately trying to avoid pain, focus on the pleasure you can experience now and in the future. Life will bring painful moments, yet if you can learn and grow from these times, the suffering will be brief while the pleasure you derive from life will become stronger.

One way to ensure a more pleasurable life is to imagine yourself in the future enjoying very positive experiences (or see what’s on the other side of the obstacle or wall in your path). This will inspire you to take positive action in the present.

Because the Pain/Pleasure Principle is mostly an unconscious process, using it consciously to your advantage can bring great reward. You can apply this principle in a way that generates massive leverage over yourself and your actions. The biggest complaint I hear from people is that they have trouble staying motivated and following through. Using this principle in the following way will put an end to procrastination immediately and forevermore!

Transformation Exercise:

Negative & Positive Self-Motivation

Answer the following questions for yourself:

What would you lose out on if you decided not to take action on all that you’ve learned from this book? If you chose not to follow through, what kind of pain will this continue to create in your life? What has it already cost you financially, personally, professionally, in self-esteem, and in your relationships by not stepping up and making it happen?

How are you going to view yourself one year from now if you’re still in the same situation, still afraid to make those changes, like getting out of a lousy relationship or job, still struggling with the same old worries and self-limiting beliefs that you’re not enough or that it won’t work out?

How long will you continue to put up with the headaches and heartaches that come from submitting to fears and faulty beliefs? How much pain are you willing to tolerate because you’re not going after what you really want in life?

Imagine going five years into the future and discovering that you haven’t changed a bit. You’re still supporting the same lame excuses and destructive habits. What has it cost your self-esteem? When you look in the mirror, how do you look at yourself? Do you look stressed out and older than you really are? What do you say to yourself when no one else is around? What has this self-limited thinking done to your health and overall appearance?

Are you overweight, smoking more, or dealing with high blood pressure? Is your hair falling out? What about your relationships with others? Are they stagnant and boring? Perhaps you’re too depressed or tired to engage in stimulating conversation. Instead you’ve become focused on the pessimistic side of life. Nothing seems to feel good anymore, and it’s leaked out on your entire life.

What’s it going to cost you in regards to how you talk to your kids, colleagues, employees, or others in your life? What kind of role model have you become for your community? By holding back and not taking action, how has your personal confidence and charisma dropped? If you’re not feeling good about yourself, what kind of example are you giving others? Are you finding others avoiding you?

Are they repelled by your kind of energy? Do you know what it’s like to be around somebody that’s miserable all the time? You can walk into a room with a person like this and within five minutes it feels like s/he sucked all the energy right out of you. I refer to this type of person as an “energy vampire.” Is this the kind of person you’ve become because you were too busy, too stressed, or too scared to take control of your life?

Now move ten years into your future. It’s been ten years, and you’ve still done nothing to change your life. You’re still supporting the same old excuses, habits, and beliefs that hold you back and keep you stuck. What has this done to you financially? Are you scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck? No money in the bank, lots of credit card debt, and tons of worry and fear about your future security?

Okay, take a deep breath in, and find yourself back in the present moment. None of this tragedy has occurred. It was all just a bad dream, a nightmare, actually. But you clearly remember what you saw. Notice how having focused on not taking action, and the pain that goes with it, can make you want to say, “Absolutely not! I refuse to go down that path! I refuse to accept this kind of behavior from myself any longer. I’m going to stand in my power this moment. I’m going to step up now! I’ve got the tools and resources, and I’m going to do something with them.

I’m not going to live my life in fear anymore. If I live in fear, that’s what my life will be all about, and I’m better than that. I’m worth more than this, and I deserve better! My Creator did not put me here to hide. I am here to shine! I’m going to start living the life I was born to. I have purpose and a mission. I am supposed to be here, and I am enough. My true life begins right now!”

Now that you’re learning how to use the avoidance of pain as a driving force in your life, the next step is to utilize pleasure. Take a few minutes to answer the following questions.

What are you going to gain from taking positive action in your life right now? What kind of pleasure will you experience from utilizing the strategies and insights you’ve acquired from this book? How have you benefited from living your life with courage, from taking the attitude that I am a winner, there’s no failure only feedback, and the only way to really lose is to give up?

Now float one year into the future. It’s been a year since you’ve made the transition. How has your life transformed from believing in yourself and treating others with love and respect? How much stronger is your self-esteem and confidence? When you look in the mirror, how much younger, stronger, energetic, attractive, and confident do you now look?

Perhaps you smile more, you’re exercising, eating plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grain foods, and drinking more water. If used to smoke, now you’ve quit, and it was easy. You might have benefitted from hypnosis. You lost weight or gained muscle, depending upon where you were at in life, and it feels great!

Now go five years into the future. It’s been five years since you empowered yourself with a new set of beliefs and habits. You’ve taken back your personal power, and it’s amazing! Personally, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, in relationships, financially, and professionally, you have become more balanced and well-adjusted.

When you’re alone now, what do you say to yourself? Notice how your self-talk is much more positive, loving, enthusiastic, and supportive. When you’re around others, you’re vibrant and lively, caring and attentive. You listen to others with the intention of understanding and validating them. This dramatically increases your natural charisma and appeal, which makes others want to be around you.

It’s easy for you to validate and appreciate others because you are doing this for yourself. You realize that you can only give what you have. Thus, you give yourself an abundance of self-love, respect, and encouragement, which then allow you to share this with others. This makes you a wonderful role model for those around you. Notice how your kids benefit from your new behaviors, energy, and attitude. Clients, colleagues, and friends want to be around you because of your positive energy and uplifting spirit.

“It becomes easier for you to validate and appreciate others when you are doing this for yourself.”

Now go ten years into your future, and discover how incredible your life has become because you had the courage to succeed! You’ve been acting on the principles and insights from that book you read ten years earlier, and it has transformed your life. You believe in yourself and the power of your dreams.

In fact, you’ve fulfilled many of those dreams already. Your relationships, faith, and personal health are strong and vibrant. Professionally you have accomplished many of your goals, and financially you are sound. Allow your mind to wander as you continue to visualize a future where all your dreams really can come true.

Choose Your Future

Now you know how to utilize pleasure in a motivating way. The way I see it, you now have two choices before you, two futures, one of which will come to fruition. The question is, “Which future do you choose?” The future where you’re living life full of regret, or the future where you look back and smile because you went for it? Regardless of the outcome, you will always be happy you went for your dreams instead of always wondering what could have been.

Everyone has his or her own interpretation of what success means. To me, you are a success if you go for it and give it your all.

Transformation Exercise:

Internally Driven

To remain internally motivated to succeed, you must continually associate pain to self-limiting beliefs and habits while simultaneously attaching pleasure to positive actions and thinking. Here’s an exercise that will help you do this.

Imagine for a moment that your future self is walking toward you. Future-you is a little bit older, healthier, more energized, more successful, and happier. He or she has overcome the challenges you’re now facing and knows that you will triumph over them.

As your future self comes closer to you, s/he seems clearer, bigger, brighter, and more colorful. The closer s/he gets, the more excited you become because s/he represents everything you’ve always wanted. Your future self looks fabulous; you feel really excited inside. The closer s/he gets, the more powerful, confident, and secure you feel.

Finally your future self reaches you. S/he stands directly in front of you, smiling as if wanting to tell you that everything’s going to be just fine, but realizing that it’s necessary for you to discover this for yourself.

Your future is here right now. It feels so real you could reach out and grab hold of it. It feels so good. In fact, I want you to imagine that your future self has a message that s/he wants to give you. It might be something you need to hear, words of encouragement, or some direction. Take a moment to receive this message from your future self. Do this now.

Great! This is another way of associating pleasure to want you want. Didn’t picturing your future self and all that it represents, right in front of you, clear, big, and bright, make you want to reach out and grab him or her? Imagining what you want being close, big, and bright makes it feel real and possible. It immediately makes you feel excited and motivated. Your future is so enticing that you have to have it! It becomes a must! It’s so great, you’ve got to go after it!

“To remain internally motivated, you must continually associate pain to self-limiting beliefs and habits while simultaneously attaching pleasure to positive actions and thinking.”

Now imagine your future you standing in front of you once more. As you do so, pretend that something reaches into the scene, grabs hold of your future self, and begins to yank him/her further and further away from you. As your future self becomes more distant, s/he seems smaller, fuzzier, and harder to see. You cannot hear him/her anymore either. Notice how this makes you feel?

Are you beginning to feel upset or frustrated? Do you get anxious, mad, or sad at the thought of your hopes and dreams drifting farther away? Of course, and you want to know what in the world is responsible for distancing you from everything you want.

You know what it is? It’s all those excuses, old beliefs, negative attitudes, and fears. It’s the stinking thinking that’s been holding you back and keeping you stuck, and you have had it! You’re not putting up with that garbage anymore! You are taking back control right now. You are the creator of your destiny. You have the power to create your life by design!

Take in a deep breath, and commit right here and now to living life at its fullest, to live your life in a way that satisfies yourself and contributes to the world. Then reach out to your future self and imagine attracting him/her back toward you.

Send out beams of light from your fingertips, and focus on drawing your desired future back into your life. As you do so, imagine future-you jogging back toward you with arms in the air saying, “You did it!” S/He runs right up to you, gives you a big high-five, and embraces you. Your future now looks bigger, brighter, and closer than ever!

Then future-you turns his/her back to you and waits. Take a courageous breath, and then step forward into the future-you, and become this person you’ve always wanted to be! As you step into him/her, imagine now seeing the world through new eyes, hearing the world through new ears, and feeling the world with more empowering emotions.

The future is here. This is the new you, and when you think of yourself, you imagine being strong, confident, and happy. When you look in the mirror, see future-you looking back at you with a great big smile, knowing that every day you are getting better and better!

This is a great exercise for using pleasure and pain to remain motivated for a lifetime. Moving your future self toward and away from you stimulates very different emotional states. The closer, bigger, and brighter you make your goals seem, the more positive, motivated, and hopeful you will become. The more distant, fuzzy, and tiny you make your goals appear, the more exhausted, frustrated, and hopeless you will feel.

From now on, if you need to take action, close your eyes and imagine that what you want is close, warm, clear, and inviting. Each time you take a positive step toward your goals, those goals take a step toward you! Every time you take a step back in the opposite direction, your goals do the same!

After doing this exercise, it should be difficult for you to procrastinate, because your future self will move away from you, and your emotions will object so adversely that you’ll have no other choice but to step forward again. You’ll find yourself saying, “Okay, fine. I’ll take action!” because you’ve associated so much pain with old, sabotaging behaviors.

As you continue to review and practice these motivating exercises in this book, they will strengthen the associations your brain is making at this very moment. The more you practice, the better you get, and the more automatic the whole thing becomes. As Tony Robbins says, “Repetition is the mother of all skills.” So practice, practice, practice, and you’ll find all the motivation you’ll ever need.

“If you’re on a journey toward something worthwhile, you’ve already attained the most important goal in life.”
Tim Shurr

Epilogue

I used to believe I couldn’t be happy until I had reached all my goals and dreams. As I’ve come to learn, this was a mistake because it’s the journey that generates the happiness, and not really the destination.

The highs and lows, struggles and breakthroughs, heartache and joy, frustration and exhilaration, these are what shape your character. The journey you’re on right now is molding you into someone who will appreciate the success you are creating.

Every action you take, every step in the direction of your goals, strengthens your emotional maturity. It shapes your character and meets your fundamental need for certainty, significance, connection, growth, and contribution. You can make a million dollars, and it will be exciting, for a while. Yet, without having a passion, challenge, or way of contributing, you’ll quickly feel like something is missing.

This unexpected void comes from no longer enjoying the pursuit of your goals, which is why it’s always important to have them regardless of your level of success. It’s why Benjamin Franklin wrote that each of us deserves the right to freedom, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Focus on living fully and sharing your life with others. When you do so, happiness will find you wherever you go! If you’re on a journey toward something worthwhile, you’ve already achieved one of the most important milestones in life. The items you’re striving for are just road markers that let you know you’re progressing. So keep your head up, enjoy life and all that it brings right now, and make today the best it can be!

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