What About Us

Book Two in the Bluff Harbor Series

by

Emma Tharp

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Epilogue

About the Author

Acknowledgements

What About Us (Book 2 in The Bluff Harbor Series)

By Emma Tharp

Copyright © 2017 by Emma Tharp

For more about this author, please visit www.emmatharp.com

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Main category—Fiction

Other category—Romance

First Edition

Chapter 1

My palms sweat and heart races before I walk into her room. My phone chimes with another text alert. I know it’s River McEwan, again. He hasn’t stopped trying to reach out to me since I broke the news to him. He keeps professing his love for me and begging me to change my mind and take him back. I turn my phone off so I won’t be disturbed while visiting her.

I’ve convinced myself Willow will be able to read on my face that I have been sleeping with her boyfriend. There is no rational reason for these thoughts other than raw guilt. I take a few calming breaths, swallow the bile rising in the back of my throat, and slowly walk through the door.

The beeping of monitors fills the room. It’s too warm. I tug at my scarf, loosening it. The smell of flowers instead of the usual hospital disinfectant is surprising. The room is full of beautiful budding roses, sunflowers, and daisies. Of course, everyone loves Willow. The colorful array of blossoms fills the otherwise drab space the same way they did at her memorial service just a few months ago.

Why didn’t I bring any damn flowers?

She’s lying in pink pajamas, looking so small and definitely not herself. Instead of her beautiful red flowing curls, she has a short brown pixie haircut. Her cheeks are sunken in and have a gray hue. It’s clear she’s lost a good deal of weight. When her eyes find mine, the one thing that hasn’t changed is her larger than life smile; it lights up her face.

Hot salty tears stream down my face as I stride quickly to her bed. I throw my arms around her, and we share a long hug. She smells like hospital soap and antiseptic, not like her usual perfumed self. The bones of her shoulder blades stick out while we embrace. She’s never been this thin. I’m worried about her, but relieved she’s home and safe.

I’ve missed this girl so much. We had been inseparable since she’d moved to Bluff Harbor when we were kids. When she went missing, my life changed drastically. I never dreamt I’d be in a relationship with her boyfriend. That’s not how I thought things would go when River and I got assigned to do a school project together. We weren’t even talking when we got paired up. Before I knew it, I was in love with him and gave him my virginity. For months I wanted nothing more than to have my best friend come home. Now that she’s here, she can never know River and I were together. It would kill her.

All I know is she has some form of amnesia. Mrs. Peterson called me as soon as they made it back to Bluff Harbor and Willow had a thorough examination from the doctors. They weren’t sure exactly what caused her amnesia, but think she must have fallen and hit her head while running. It could have been because she took her antianxiety pills and pain meds for her headaches before she went for a run that night. That, coupled with lack of sleep from studying for exams, could be the reason she took a fall. Or—this pill is much harder to swallow—it could be that a painful or traumatic event happened to her while she was missing and is causing repression. Her doctors performed neurological exams, blood tests, CAT scans, and an MRI, but no abnormalities were found. All good news leading to the belief that she will eventually recover.

Under doctor’s orders, her medicines were changed to make sure they don’t cause another “fall,” and she has to rest for at least a week before she can go home. Her medical team encouraged her to start stimulating her brain with reading, puzzles, and interacting with her family and friends, which is why Laura called and asked me to come visit Willow as soon as possible.

Her tears dampen my shoulder as she hugs me tight as if letting go might cause her to float away and disappear again. Pulling away I run my fingers along the skin of her cheeks, once peaches and cream, now dull and gray. It will return, her healthy glow, especially if I have anything to say about it.

“I missed you so much, Willow.”

“Katie, I think I fell and hit my head.” Her eyes search mine questioningly, as if I can tell her what happened.

But if she did fall, then where did she go, and more importantly, how did she get there? Where has she been for the last nine months? There are so many what-ifs.

One thing I do know is that my best friend is back, here in the flesh, and I’m going to do everything I can to help her get her memory back. Even if I have to do it with a broken heart.

Chapter 2

I will not bend.

Even with River’s strong hands on me. Even with his warm breath in my hair. Even with his hard body pressed to mine.

My body is weak, but my mind is set. I will not let my traitorous, fragile heart win today.

“Ahh, River. Please, you know my answer. No matter how long you kiss me there, the answer is still no,” I say while River kisses the soft skin of my neck.

I give in today and make love to River one last time. He’s been gone for ten very long days, and I missed him terribly. Every single cell in my body longed for River. Even though I know this is it, the last time I will ever be with him, I needed to do it.

I battled with myself while he was gone. I went back and forth with my greedy overwhelming desire to stay with him and throw caution to the wind. But of course, that’s what my rational side knows can’t be. River and I can never stay together. Willow is back. My best friend is home and needs her boyfriend and best friend beside her, so that’s what we’ll do no matter how much River fights me on it.

He tried calling and texting me over and over when he was in London, but I stayed strong in my conviction to end things.

Was this easy for me? Hell no. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. My sister has really been here for me after I broke things off with him. I knew I had to do it before he came home from London, and my sister held my hand when I made the call. I needed to tell him Willow was home and what my decision was. She did shots of vodka with me and held my hair when I was sick afterward. Stella and my mother were the only two people who even knew about our relationship. Stella been my shoulder to cry on.

I had the hardest time eating, even with my mother and Stella bringing me my favorite foods. Missing him wasn’t just an emotional drain—it was physical too. When he left, I knew I would miss him. But once Willow returned and I made up my mind things with us had to end, it became impossible to sleep. I didn’t want to leave my bed, but sleep eluded me. A walking zombie is what I became.

“We can still be there for her, B. I don’t need to be her boyfriend.” River makes his way down my body with wet kisses, overwhelming my senses. It still melts my heart when he uses my nickname, short for my last name, Bergman.

I grab the top of his head, letting the soft strands of his blond hair flow through my fingers, and bring his face to mine. “I’m not going to change my mind on this, okay? We don’t have a choice. This is the right thing to do.” I give him the most serious look I can muster.

“I care for Willow, and I want to help her get her memory back. But I don’t want her anymore. I want you. It’s that simple,” River says as if it really were just that easy. “I know you want me too; it was obvious five minutes ago.”

This is a very hard point to deny as I lie naked next to him. This man is all I’ve ever wanted or needed, and smelling his clean masculine scent is making it very difficult for me to think clearly. I grab the sheet from my bed and wrap it around me as I stand up to retrieve my clothes from the floor. I pull my red lace underwear up my thighs and say with as much authority as I can, “Yes, River, I can’t lie to you. I still have feelings for you. It’s going to take some work to move past them, but we can do it.” I grab my bra off the floor and start putting it on.

River pushes himself up onto his elbow, making no move to cover his naked body or get out of my bed. “How exactly are you going to ‘move past’ your feelings?” he asks, making quotation marks in the air with his hands.

“I’m not sure yet. We’ll figure it out. Of course we’re going to stay friends. I can’t lose you completely.” I sit on the bed next to him once I pull my hoodie on over my head.

“Do you have any idea in that gorgeous head of yours how difficult it’s going to be for us to just be friends?” River pushes a stray hair from my face, looking directly in my eyes.

Just that small action sends heat down my body even though I am thoroughly sated from our earlier lovemaking. I stand up to distance myself and try to drive my point home because I just don’t think he’s getting it. “You didn’t see her lying there in the hospital bed. She looked so helpless and alone. She cried when she saw me, hugged me, and was so happy to see me.” I wipe the tears falling down my cheeks. “I can’t betray her. I just won’t.” I bend over and toss River’s boxers at him. “Please put these on.”

I can’t help but stare at his beautiful body and think about how much I’m going to miss it as he sits up and pulls on the boxers. Looking at his body, touching it, having it over me and inside me. Tears flow faster down my cheeks. My stomach clenches and I feel sick.

In a few short strides, River puts his arms around me and whispers in my ear, “Are you really going to do this to us? You want to break our hearts?”

“Of course not,” I say between sobs.

“Then what can I do to change your mind?” His voice is full of sadness.

“There isn’t anything either of us can do.” My breath catches and I try to breathe past the lump in my throat.

River pulls away from me and hastily wipes away his own tears, then bends down to pick up his jeans. “If this is really what you want, then look at me and say it.”

I shift my eyes down to the floor and will myself to say the impossible words I need to say to him. How do I stare into his eyes and tell him I don’t want him anymore, that I can’t be his girlfriend, when everything inside me is screaming the opposite? My heart is ripping open, but I somehow move my eyes up to his deep pools of blue. “It’s over, River. We’re done.” I squeeze my hands into fists and try desperately not to crumble. To fall to the ground on my knees and beg him to forget what I just said.

What feels like hours goes by with no words between us, just pain shared in longing glances. River grabs his white T-shirt and slips it on, then comes closer to me. He puts a soft kiss on my cheek and whispers, “I’ll always love you.”

My heart snaps in two as he strolls to my bedroom door and leaves without a further glance. Watching him walk out feels like my future is going right out with him.

I lie on my bed in the same spot River just left and grab the sheets, breathing in his familiar scent. Tears continue to flow like rain, and sobs rack my body. I crawl to the bathroom, unsure if I am going to throw up or not.

I don’t know how long I cry, but once I finish, I tell myself I did what I had to do. Just thinking of Willow’s face when she saw me is enough for me to know I am right for ending it. I didn’t know if I would have a second chance with my best friend, but was given that gift and won’t ruin it with my selfish needs and desires. This is the mantra I keep telling myself when the inevitable doubts start rearing their ugly heads.

The only thing making any sense for me to do is dust myself off, apply some makeup to cover my tear-stained face, and go see Willow. On my drive over, all I can think about is a week ago when I drove this exact same route to see her for the first time in almost nine months.

We talked that day about childhood memories, and she remembered only small bits and pieces of her relationship with River. When she asked where her boyfriend is, I had to tell her he was in Europe with his father but would be home in a few days and he’d be so happy to see her.

Any fear I had about Willow somehow being able to figure out there was something there between River and me was quickly dismissed. We were instantly close and connected, almost as if no time had passed at all.

My best friend is home.

When I get to the hospital, I go to Willow’s room and find it empty and cleaned. Where the hell is she? My heartbeat speeds up, and I race to the nurse’s station. Finding a blond nurse who looks familiar, I say, “Excuse me. Where is Willow Peterson? She was in room 506?”

She’s looking down at a chart and doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry to tell me anything. “I’m sorry to bother you, but my best friend was in the room down the hall, and now she’s not there. Did she get moved to another floor?”

Mary, according to her name tag, removes her reading glasses and looks at me like she’s been sucking on a sour candy. “She was discharged early this afternoon.”

“Oh.” I knew she was anxious to get home, but didn’t realize it would be so soon. Why didn’t Mrs. Peterson call and tell me? Maybe it slipped her mind? I’m disappointed to say the least. “Okay, thank you.”

I’m exhausted from my afternoon with River and just want to go home and sleep. I’ll go and see Willow tomorrow after class, once I feel more pulled together.

Chapter 3

It’s the last day of classes for the fall semester of my senior year at Bluff Harbor College, and unfortunately, River is in my English Lit class. I need distance from him if I am going to maintain my resolve. Normally he sits right next to me in the back corner of the small classroom. Today I get there before him and sit in the middle of the class, hoping he will forgo sitting next to me. Of course, I was wrong in my assumption.

“Changed your mind yet?” River leans over and whispers in my ear, sending goose bumps down my arms.

“Nope,” I say, trying to seem as cold as possible. I know that if I give him an inch, he will take a mile.

“What are you, the ice princess now?” River moves his desk closer to mine.

I roll my eyes and inch my desk farther away from him. “That’s not very nice, River.”

“Listen, B, this is your choice, not mine. It’s not what I want, but it looks like I’m going to be forced to live with it.”

His admission stings. Yes, it is true, but hearing him put it like that is hard to hear. I slowly turn to face him. I don’t want things to be tense and strained between us, especially if we’re going to be spending time together with Willow. If she saw the tension, how would she perceive it? Finding the balance of being friendly and not flirty is going to be hard to figure out. “Sorry, River. This isn’t easy for me either.”

“It doesn’t have to be this hard.” He grins at me, the one that melts me and under different circumstances would have me weak in the knees

The words come out before I have the chance to think. “I’m not trying to make it hard, River. I’ve just made up my mind, and I’m trying to stand by my decision.”

“You shouldn’t have to try to stand by your decision. If breaking up with me is what you really want, then it should be easy for you,” he says with mischief in his eyes.

I furrow my brow at him. “I told you nothing about this is easy for me.” I can’t keep letting him get to me. I’m already tired of him trying to convince me to change my mind. That’s why I need to keep my distance for a while, just until this does get easier. I change the subject. “Have you seen Willow yet?”

“Yes, I went to her house last night,” he says, looking down at his hands.

Dr. Logan starts lecturing, so I can’t inquire about the details of River and Willow’s reunion. I’m barely able to contain my questions and miss most of the lecture trying to guess what happened. Any scenario I can think of is awful. What if he went to her house and they had a wonderful reunion? I can see it now: they cry and confess to how much they missed each other, and then they share a passionate kiss and end up having sex.

Ugh, I can’t think this way. It’ll make me miserable.

I sense River’s eyes on me so many times during the lecture. It’s as if he’s burning laser beams straight through me. I want to look at him and elicit that delicious grin of his, but I don’t. I grab hold of my fragile resolve and do my best to ignore him.

As soon as class is over, I cram my notes in my bag and try to race out of there before River can follow me, but of course, I’m not quick enough.

“I’m walking you to your car, so you can either run or walk, doesn’t matter. I’m coming with you,” River says, jogging up next to me.

I sigh, knowing I’ll be spending the next five minutes with him. I can do this; I can stand my ground for that long.

“So h-how was it last night? Seeing Willow, I mean,” I ask.

“It was okay.” His tone gives nothing away.

So this is how he’s going to be. I can’t stand his elusiveness. “Just okay?” I ask, just on the edge of turning to him and shaking the truth out of him.

“Yes, just okay. It was a little awkward. Her mother was there the entire time and trying to clue her in on me and our relationship.” River slows down his steps to match mine. “Willow seemed to have some glimmer of us, but I couldn’t really tell if she was just being agreeable or if she actually remembered.”

“Wow, must’ve been strange.” I pick up my pace as the winter winds blow in my face.

“When I saw her with her brown hair and frail body, I barely recognized her. I’m not trying to be insensitive, but I don’t even feel like I know her anymore.”

We reach my car, and I’m very anxious to get inside and turn the heater on and, more importantly, put some distance between River and me. Leaning against my door, I say, “I’m sure it’s going to be different for a while, but we owe it to her to be there for her and help her reacclimate to normal life. She would do it for us, River, and you know it.”

He walks up to me and stands entirely too close.

I can smell him and feel his warm breath against my face.

“I know Willow needs us, but the only reason I’m agreeing to any of this is because of you. I’m doing it for you.” He puts his hand gently on my cheek as his intense blue eyes stare into mine. “I need you to remember this as we move forward. Your choice, not mine. I want you, not her.” He plants a gentle, lingering kiss on my cheek and backs away. He doesn’t take his eyes off me until a car speeds by, then he leaves me there. Alone.

I get into my car and sob until I’m drained of tears.

Wiping my face off with an old mitten I have in my glove box, I decide maybe a trip to the mall to shop would perk me up. Shopping normally does.

The radio is set to a rap station. I crank the volume in an attempt to drown out thoughts of my impossible situation. It doesn’t help. River’s gorgeous face won’t budge from my mind. It just stays there, stealing the blue from my sky. Pulling into the parking lot, I don’t even remember the drive to the mall. I park at my favorite entrance with high hopes that a pair of new shoes will lift my spirits.

No such luck. After wandering around my favorite stores aimlessly for hours, not really seeing anything, I decide to stop by Willow’s house to see how she’s doing.

On my way up the path to her front door, I get a visual of something through the front window that I really don’t want to see. My throat gets dry, and my heart rate speeds up.

I wish I hadn’t seen it. Too late, the image is burned in my brain.

There they are, the picture of a perfect couple lounging on Willow’s couch, side by side, almost how River and I had lain not so long ago. They’re kissing. Heat moves up my body despite the chill in the air. I’m so overcome with jealousy and anger. He just asked me if I’d changed my mind and wanted to be with him again.

I’m not quite sure what to do so I stand there frozen.

A wound opens in my heart I thought was healing. Will it ever heal again? Somehow I doubt it. How did I think I was going to do this? Stay friends with Willow and watch her do anything with River. At this point, even seeing them hold hands feels like it would be too much for me. Physical contact between the two of them is proving to be a knife in my heart, but this is what I asked for. No, this is what I demanded of River. I’m going to have to figure it out somehow.

Tears stream down my cheeks, and I force my legs to move me away from Willow’s house as soon as possible. Right now the only thing that sounds good is drowning my sorrows in ice cream. I pull out of her driveway and speed down the road.

At the grocery store, I mechanically make my way to the frozen food aisle as I see Lane Powers walking toward me with a crease of concern on his forehead.

“Come here, Kate. You look like you could use a hug,” he says, pulling me into him. He’s always given the best hugs.

“Is it that obvious?” I ask in a muffled voice, my face smushed in his jacket.

“Your mascara is all down your face.” Lane backs away and tries to wipe my smeared makeup away. “That’s never a good sign.”

“No, you’re right. I’m having a very bad day.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” His chocolate eyes search me for clues.

“No, not really,” I say without hesitation. What can I say? Hey, my best friend is home now, and I just watched her kiss her boyfriend, but I want him to be my boyfriend. And my heart is broken. Nope, not in the mood to talk about it.

“Well, what about some company? I’m just grabbing some snacks and a movie and heading back to my place, if you want to come? I’m getting the really good lime chips and salsa.” He holds up the items. “They always put me in a good mood. Plus, I picked up an action movie, also sure to get you out of your funk.” He grins at me with the cutest dimpled smile.

“How can I say no to chips and chaos?” I smile for what feels like the first time today. This is exactly what I need to get my mind off my predicament.

At Lane’s apartment, I’m pleasantly surprised to see it isn’t the bachelor-pad mess it’s been in the past. Lane and I have known each other forever, and he’s always been a good friend to me and study partner for biology. He puts the movie on, serves us each a bottle of beer, and sets out the chips and salsa.

“I’m impressed, Lane. Your place looks great.” I take a drink of my beer.

“Thanks, I aim to please.” He winks at me.

I laugh and try some of the chips and salsa he put out. “Thanks for inviting me over. I needed this.”

“I’m glad you decided to come over. You were looking really low at the grocery store. I don’t like seeing you like that.” Lane moves closer to the bag of chips, which makes him closer to me. I shift farther down the couch and face him so I can lay my legs over his. He puts his hands on my thighs and grins at me, then returns his attention to the movie. It feels good to relax into the comfort of a good friend.

After four beers and two hours of blood and high-speed car chases, I’m feeling a little tipsy and not quite ready to go home. I love the way the alcohol blurs the edges of everything. I’m not as tense, and it’s easier to not think about what River and Willow might be doing right now.

“Do you have any other movies?”

“Do I have any other movies?” he says sarcastically. “Of course I do.” Lane gets up and opens the drawer on his TV stand. There are hundreds of movies. “And this isn’t even all of them. I have more in my room. What are you in the mood for? I’ve got ’80s movies, action, horror. Just about anything. Come over here and pick one out.”

I slowly get up, realizing just how drunk I am as I gingerly go to the drawer of movies. I look through them for a few minutes and find the one. “The Notebook, you have The Notebook!” I am so shocked he has any chick flicks at all.

“Absolutely, it’s a great film,” he says as he opens the cover and puts the movie in the DVD player.

When we sit back on the couch, Lane sits right next to me, so I nestle in next to him.

“Want another beer?” he asks.

“I better not. I’m a lightweight.” The last thing I want is to be throwing up and not enjoying the movie.

He laughs and puts his arm around my shoulders.

I snuggle in more and get comfortable for the movie.

There is something about watching Ryan Gosling make out with Rachel McAdams that starts to turn me on. The way he throws her up against the wall. Damn. My nipples are getting hard as heat spreads through me. Lane is warm, and one of his hands is on my thigh while the other is massaging my shoulder, adding to my arousal.

“This scene is so hot, isn’t it?” Lane asks, looking at me with just the right amount of longing and sexiness.

“Yeah,” I whisper, unsure if he can even hear me. I don’t know what exactly comes over me, but looking into Lane’s affectionate brown eyes with the laxity that comes with alcohol consumption pulls me toward him. Slowly, we’re easing our way toward each other, and before I know it, my eyes close and my lips meet Lane’s.

At first the kiss is slow and tender. His lips caress mine sweetly and gently, as if he’s not sure we should be doing this. He puts his hand on my face, his thumb strokes my cheek. I deepen the kiss by coaxing his lips open with mine and brushing my tongue over his. A moan escapes him, and I bring my arms around his neck. With our tongues tangled, my mind begins to drift away.

It’s no longer Lane that I’m with. In my haze, I convince myself it’s River’s mouth against mine; it’s his scent invading me, his hands on me. Keeping my eyes closed, I crawl onto his lap and straddle him, wanting nothing more than to be closer to him. I break the kiss only long enough to pull my shirt off over my head. Hands come up and grasp my breasts through my bra. I sigh in response, completely lost in this moment.

My head is swimming in the feel of warmth and completeness all around me. I begin moving my hips, trying to relieve the tension building low in my belly. Hands move to my waist, guiding me over his erection. Just as I’m about to remove his shirt, a loud ringing invades the quiet room.

My eyes spring open, and awareness wakes me from my fantasy. I was just miles away with a completely different man.

Lane looks down at his phone and says, “I don’t need to get that.”

I quickly get off him to retrieve my shirt from the floor and hastily pull it over my head. “That’s okay. Get it. You never know. It could be important,” I say through ragged breaths.

“No, it’s okay, Kate. It’s just Kyle, I’ll call him later. Please come back over here.” He pats his lap.

“Look at the time. I have to get going home now,” I say, looking at my watch and walking toward his door where I left my shoes and jacket. Guilt starts to surface. Was I just using Lane?

He comes over to me, concern and confusion on his face. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I just didn’t realize how late it was. I need to get going. Thanks for having me over,” I say in a quick, clipped tone. I pull my jacket on while simultaneously putting on my shoe, all the while avoiding his eyes.

“I’m driving you home.” Lane puts his jacket and sneakers on. He gets his keys off the counter and follows me out the door.

“I’m fine. I can get myself home.” I walk as fast as my feet will carry me without going into a dead run.

Lane pursues. “It’s not an issue. I only had two beers all night,” he says flatly and grasps my arm, leading me to his car.

The cold night air adds another layer of awareness to my situation. I can barely believe I was just in Lane’s house, in a full on make-out session, thinking about River the entire time. What is wrong with me?

Fuck.

This is bad.

Is there any way he could tell I was a million miles away? That I was overcome with passion for someone else? I doubt it. He’s acting okay. If he knew I was having visions of River during our intimate moment, then I’m sure he’d have let me know.

Plunking myself in the passenger seat of Lane’s pickup, I watch him fumble with the keys and start the ignition. He’s flustered even though he’s attempting the cool-and-calm approach. We drive away from his house in silence. It isn’t until we pull up to my house that Lane turns toward me and says, “Kate, I know when I saw you tonight in the grocery store something was bothering you. It’s clear even though you seemed better at my place, you’re right back in your head now.”

“I’m sorry, Lane—”

Lane places his index finger over my lips. “Please let me finish.” He moves my hair away from my face. “I care for you, Kate. I have for a very long time. Tonight meant so much to me. Not just the physical part—I mean, obviously that was incredible too—but I loved it all. Spending time with you, just snuggling up and watching movies, made me happy. I have feelings for you and need you to know I’m here for you, in whatever capacity you need me to be.”

Warm tears stream down my cheeks. What an amazing person he is. I wish in my heart I could reciprocate those feelings. My life would be a hell of a lot easier if that were the case. It just isn’t. Guilt washes over me. Why can’t I love Lane?

I lean in and hug him, welcoming his warm embrace. “Thank you for tonight.” I pull back and Lane wipes the tears from my face. This only makes me cry harder. I kiss him lightly on the cheek and open the door to get out, avoiding the concerned look I know is on Lane’s face.

Chapter 4

After a restless sleep, I lay in bed trying to make sense of last night. Guilt and confusion cloud my mood. I am not this girl. I don’t hook up with a guy to imagine myself with another. I don’t use people, especially kindhearted, caring people like Lane.

It’s just not me.

It’s entirely unfair to Lane. He is without question great boyfriend material. He’s handsome, sweet, smart, and he can kiss. Boy, can he kiss. It’s my responsibility to try to give Lane a shot. He deserves that from me.

It’s only been about a week since my breakup with River, but maybe this is what I need to help me move on. Could a relationship with Lane be what fills the gaping hole in my heart?

I throw yoga pants and a sweatshirt on with a hat. Driving over to Willow’s house, I make a quick stop to the Starbucks drive-thru. The time in my car gives me just enough time for the cobwebs to clear.

It still doesn’t feel quite right going to Willow’s house. Especially since the last time I saw her, she was on her couch, making out with River. It’s not that I don’t want to see her. I do. It’s just surreal that she’s back. It doesn’t feel like it’s been nine months since I met up with her with two Starbucks coffees. I have to pinch myself. She’s really here. It’s exactly how it feels today, but when I walk into her house and go to her bedroom and see her laying there reading a magazine, a huge smile spreads across my face.

“You brought Americanos?”

I nod. A familiar warmth spreads through me. One that only comes from mutual caffeine admiration with your bestie.

“I love you,” Willow says.

“Our favorite.” I hand her the coffee and take a seat in the pink plush chair next to her bed. “How are you feeling today?”

“I’m doing all right.” She holds the cup in both hands and blows on the top.

“Well, you look good.” Some color has returned to her cheeks.

“Thanks.” She runs her hand over the back of her hair, letting her fingers grip the short strands. “I see all of the pictures of me with long red hair. You don’t think I look ugly like this?”

“It’s different, Willow, but you’re still a beautiful girl.” I mean it. I do miss her hair, but her soft doll-like features make her a beauty with any haircut.

“You sure do know how to make a girl feel good.”

“That’s what friends are for.” I give her a smile.

“So, fill me in. What did I miss when I was gone?” she asks conspiratorially.

Hmm, besides me falling head over heels in love with your boyfriend? “Not much, honestly. It’s been pretty quiet around the Bluff.”

“No way, I see the look in your eyes. What happened? My mom’s not around, so spill it.” Damn her for seeing right through me. Some things never change, apparently even with amnesia.

She’s got a point: every time we’ve hung out thus far, her mom has been hovering making sure all of Willow’s needs are met. Today, however, Laura decided to run to the grocery store while I was visiting. “Well, let’s see. I lost my job at Sheldon’s but miraculously got it back.” River had somehow gotten my job back after his bitch of a mother got me fired. “I got accepted to NYU. My sister and Becks are still very much in love. Hmm, I can’t think of anything else right now.”

“Okay, stop right there. You got into NYU? I’m so happy for you!” She claps her hands. “I knew you’d get in. It’s going to take a year, but I’ll apply too. Maybe I’ll get in.” A pout forms on her lips. “I’m not looking forward to spending a year at BHC without you, though.”

“I know. I’m sorry. You can come and visit me anytime you want.”

“I’ll come all the time.” Tears form in the corner of her eyes. She wipes them off with the corner of her sleeve. “I screwed up the plans we’ve had since childhood.”

“Oh, Willow. None of this is your fault.” I walk to her bed and give her a hug.

“I know. It just sucks all of this happened.” She lets the tears flow freely now.

I don’t break the hug until she’s ready. “It does suck. It’s only a year, and then all of our plans will be right back on track.”

“Enough of that.” She blots at her eyes and shakes her head. “What about gossip? You said Stella and Becks are still together. What about you? Any hotties to speak of?”

Fuck. I don’t like lying to her. I’m definitely not mentioning River, but I can tell her a different truth. “I have spent some time with Lane Powers.”

She gasps. “I love Lane. He’s always been a great guy. Are you guys a couple, or are you just hooking up?”

Cut right to the chase. “It’s still new. I enjoy spending time with him, though.” Especially the moments when I’m not thinking about River. I’ve got to stop thinking about River, she’s going to know something is up.

She tilts her head. “Okay, you’re going to be mysterious. That’s fine. I just hope you share more when you’re ready.”

No way she’s going to leave it alone. “We’ll see where it goes. What about you? How are things with you and River?” I’m not exactly sure I care to know this information, but I ask it anyway to take the heat off myself.

Willow leans in and slowly looks in both directions as if someone else could’ve walked into her room without us knowing. “It feels weird.”

“What do you mean?” I ask as my heart skips a beat.

“Being with him, it’s just odd.” She purses her lips.

Being with him? What the hell does she mean ‘with.’ I’m not sure I want to know. “I don’t understand.” I lean in closer.

“It’s strange because I don’t remember dating him. Like at all.” She shrugs.

She dated him for a year. I can’t imagine not being able to remember kissing his lips, feeling his touch, or just hanging out with him. He has such a presence. It’s something I’ll never forget. “Just give it some time. It’ll come back to you. Isn’t that what the doctors say? If you start living your life, you’ll remember.” I’m hoping my voice is conveying more conviction than my heart is feeling. “River’s a great guy. You’ll fall back into it again, you’ll see.”

“Are you sure? He seems like a great guy, but I’m not sure if he really feels it for me.” Her eyes point down to her comforter.

A text alert goes off on Willow’s phone. Her eyes glance toward it, but she doesn’t pick it up.

“I’m sure it’s just a transition for both of you. It’s been hard for everyone, Willow.”

Another text message comes through her phone. Again, she doesn’t respond.

“I hope you’re right. I asked him to go to the BHC holiday party. You should’ve seen his reaction.” She audibly sighs in true Willow fashion. It’s so good to see some things never change. “He gave me a hard time about it and said he didn’t want to go.”

“Oh, Willow, he’ll come around. Just give it some time.”

What the hell is River thinking? Why wouldn’t he want to go to the holiday party with Willow? It’s one of the biggest parties of the year around here, with the best food, drinks, and bands. I’m going to have to talk to him. He may need some gentle persuasion, but if things are going to work out the way they should, he’s going to have to go along with the plan.

Another text comes through her phone, and this time she doesn’t even look at it. She yawns. “I’m getting tired. Maybe I should take a nap. Sorry I’m being a downer, but my doctors tell me I should listen to my body and rest as much as possible.”

“Of course, Willow. Don’t apologize.” I lean in to give her a hug. “I’ll stop by again really soon. Rest and get to feeling better so we can get you out of this room and have some fun.”

This puts a smile on her face. “Thanks for being here for me, Katie. I love you.”

“I love you too, Wills,” I say as I leave her bedroom.

I text River as soon as I get home from Willow’s, knowing I need to address this issue ASAP.

Can you please come over? We need to talk.

Within seconds he replies.

Sure, when.

The sooner the better.

I’ll be right over.

Within ten minutes, River’s at my front door looking gorgeous with just the right amount of blond scruff on his face from not shaving for a few days.

Sigh.

I invite him in, and he’s instantly inside my house holding me in a tight embrace, the smell of his body wash filling my senses. He feels so good.

He nuzzles his nose in my hair, breathes in deeply, and sighs. River releases me from the hug, but holds onto my belt loops.

I give him a half-smile and pull away. I’m aching to touch him, but don’t. This is very difficult for me, but there is a purpose for him being here, and it has nothing to do with us hooking up, as tempting as it sounds. And as amazing as I know it would be.

“We need to talk, River,” I say, not looking at him.

“Okay, talk.”

“Are you trying hard enough with Willow?” I glance up at him and am almost immediately mesmerized by his teal-blue eyes, then look down at once.

“What do you mean?” he asks, breathing deep, completely confused.

“She says she isn’t sure you’re into her.” I motion for him to follow me into the living room.

“Well, I’m not. But I’m trying.” He follows me and leans against the back of a chair and pushes his hands deep into his pockets.

That’s not how it looked to me when they were making out on Willow’s couch, the very same couch he made out with me on.

“River, you need to try harder. She needs you.” I pace back and forth, completely unable to sit.

Striding over to me, River puts his hands on my shoulders stopping me in my tracks. “Kate, I told you I’m trying. It’s taking everything in me to not think about you.”

Boy, can I relate.

“I just don’t think I should have to try this hard to be with her.” He runs his hand through his blond spiky mess, and with every fiber of myself, I want to reach out and touch his hair. It’s so soft and perfect, and I love the way it feels slipping through my fingertips. “I know I don’t have to remind you I’m doing this for you, right?”

As much as I try to control it, I start to cry.

River’s voice gets low, and he wipes at my eyes with the pads of his fingers. “I keep trying to force myself to have feelings for Willow, but I think it’s impossible.”

“Why?” I ask between sobs.

“Do you really want to know why, Kate?”

“Yes, tell me.”

River presses the hard lines of his body into mine and puts his hands on my face. “It’s really simple. It’s because she isn’t you.” River stares into my eyes and slowly inches his lips to mine. There’s so much want behind it, deep and powerful, as if he’s trying to possess me—own me. It’s like this every time River kisses me. My mind clouds with only desire. But unlike other times, I know this is taboo and needs to end.

“We can’t do th-this,” I say through swollen lips.

“Didn’t you feel something? I know you did,” he says, inches from my face.

I can’t answer because I can’t deny the truth. I most definitely still have feelings for him, and the way his warm breath caresses my face is more than I can handle. I step away.

“We’ve gone over this. Please, try harder with Willow. For me.”

His shoulders slouch as if defeat has slapped the wind out of his sails. “You know I’ll do anything for you. Even if it kills me.”

“Thank you so much.” It’d be so easy to offer him comfort, a hug, a rub of the shoulder, but I know it’ll only lead to more. “Oh, and hey, can’t you at least take her to the BHC holiday party? She really wants to go, and it would mean so much to her if you would take her.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighs heavily. “Are you going?”

“Yes, Willow is desperate for us all to go.” I plead with my eyes needing him to give me this even though I’m giving him nothing in return.

“I’ll go if you are,” he says flatly with no enthusiasm at all.

“Okay, I guess we’ll all be there. Thank you.”

“Yeah, great. I’m outta here.” He raises his arm up as if he’s going to touch me. He must think better of it because he drops it back to his side, goes to the door, and leaves without saying goodbye.

Stella comes in just as River is leaving and can tell I’m a mess. I’ve cried to her more times than should be allowed in a week’s time frame, so she knows I broke things off with him and thinks I’m nuts for it, but supports me nonetheless. She’s always my rock.

“You guys fight again?” She snakes her arm through mine and leads me to the living room. We plop down on our overstuffed couch, and I grab a pillow and hug it to my chest as I fill her in on my conversation with River.

Stella nods and listens, like she always does, ever the supportive sister.

“Have you eaten dinner yet?” She looks down at her watch and heads into the kitchen.

“No.” I turn to watch her. Our living room and kitchen are open to each other, making it the perfect space so that when someone is cooking they don’t feel left out of conversations happening in the living room.

“Good. I’m going to make you something that’ll cheer you up.” She peers into the refrigerator and brings out at brick of my favorite cheese. She cuts it up and sets it on a plate and adds pepperoni slices. She goes to the pantry for crackers. Looks like the perfect meal to me.

When Stella comes back into the living room, she sets the plate in front of me. “Dinner is served.” She says in a nasal manly tone as if to mimic a waiter.

I laugh and choose the perfect piece of cheese. I take a bit and enjoy the rich, creamy flavor. “Delicious, thank you.”

“Of course. Now let’s watch some smutty TV.” She sits next to me on the couch and turns the television on and flips through the channels so fast I’m surprised she’s seeing any of it.

Unfortunately, cheese and crappy TV aren’t doing the trick. I still can’t get the look on River’s face as he walked out the door out of my mind.

I get a text from Lane.

Do you want to go to a movie tonight?

I’m not sure I’m up for it, but I know at the very least it’ll be good to get out of the house and take my mind off the events of the afternoon.

I text him back.

I’d love to go.

I’m also going to try my hardest to give Lane a chance. I want it to work out with him.

“I’m going to get ready to see a movie with Lane,” I say.

“Lane Powers?” Her tone is quizzical and demanding. She cocks her head to the side like a puppy might do.

I forgot I didn’t tell Stella about spending time with him. “Yeah, I hung out with him last night. We watched a movie at his house.” I give her a guiltless smile.

Her eyebrows rise and she turns her body so she’s facing me. “Wait, did you hook up with him?”

“We kissed. That’s all,” I say as innocently as possible. It’s pointless for me to try and hide things from Stella. She can read me like a book.

“Listen, I like Lane, but don’t you think it’s a little soon to be starting something with him? You just broke things off with River, and I know the emotional toll it’s taken on you.” She shovels a huge cracker into her mouth that’s got so much Swiss cheese on it she barely makes it to her mouth before it falls on the floor.

“Yes, I know it seems like it’s too soon, but I have to do something. I’m going crazy without River.”

“Okay, I understand. I just worry you might be using Lane, you know, as a rebound guy.” She juts her chin out before leaning over to grab a small handful of pepperoni.

Damn her for being my conscience. “What should I do then? Lane said he’s here for me. He saw me when I was upset and was there to help cheer me up. And I don’t think I’m using him. I really like him; he’s funny, smart, and genuinely wants to make me happy. Do you think it’s bad for me to hang out with him?” I grab a cracker and shove it in my mouth.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just don’t want to see either of you get hurt. That’s all,” she says, her lips press together in a slight grimace.

“That’s not what I want either. I like spending time with him and want to see where it takes us.” I leave out the parts about me thinking about River when we made out and how Lane professed his love for me.

Grabbing my hands in hers, she looks at me with eyes full of sincerity. “Just be careful. Your heart is very fragile right now.”

“Thanks, I will.” I nod.

“Great, now do you want to wear the teal sweater I just bought? It’ll look great on you. I’m sure Lane will love it.”

Chapter 5

As Lane and I stand in line for popcorn at the movie theatre, I think I see Willow out of the corner of my eye waiting in the concessions line farthest from us. I turn my head slowly in her direction and see she hasn’t noticed me, which is a relief because standing next to her is River. My heart rate speeds up. I hope Lane and I can get away from them without being seen.

“I don’t think I need any popcorn. Can we just go find seats?” I ask Lane, tapping my foot.

“Well, I’m pretty hungry. Do you mind if we wait?”

I sigh, hoping the line moves quickly. Personally, I do want snacks. I’m starving since I didn’t eat dinner, only a few crackers with Stella. So we wait and wait, apparently having chosen the slowest concession line.

“Kate!” I hear Willow’s voice over the other patrons.

I watch out the corner of my eye as she weaves her way toward me, River walking behind her. There’s nowhere to hide. No avoiding them. Awesome.

I turn my head in mock surprise and wave to her as they get closer. “Hi. It’s so good to see you out and about.”

River’s eyes appraise my situation. He makes no effort to disguise his look of disgust that I’m with Lane. Fortunately for me, Lane is hugging Willow and telling her how happy he is to see her.

“Thanks, guys. It’s so good to be out. River stopped over this afternoon and recommended we come see Most Days. It looks really good, so I said sure,” Willow explains, grabbing River’s arm.

“No way. We’re going to see Most Days too. We can all sit together. Kate would love that, wouldn’t you?” Lane turns toward me, giving my shoulder a nudge. I’d like to nudge him back hard in the side and say absolutely not.

I’m put on the spot. Of course I have to say yes, even though I know it’s a terrible idea. By the look on River’s face, he is anything but impressed to see me here on a date. If I didn’t know him better, I would think River was ready to punch Lane in the face. It’s no better for me. I was hoping for a quiet movie night, not a torture session with my BFF and my ex. “Of course. Great idea.”

“Good. We should get in there fast before all the good seats are taken.” Willow starts walking toward the theatres.

Lane and I grab our popcorn and soda from the checkout counter and follow Willow.

Once inside the dark theatre, we chose a row at the back with enough seats for the four of us. Lane goes in the aisle first and I follow, assuming Willow will be right behind me, but no, it’s River. Why does he think it’s a good idea to sit beside me? This is a disaster. Of course, I can’t make a big deal out of it so have no choice but to quietly sit down in my seat.

After a couple of bites of popcorn, the previews start, and River whispers in my ear. “What the fuck is going on with Lane?”

I look past him. Thankfully, Willow is staring at her phone and paying no attention to us. “He asked me to come to the movies with him. I said yes,” I say as inaudibly as possible.

“That’s it, just the movies? You’re not going to hook up with him, are you?”

I have to look into his eyes, even though the theatre is dark. The way the low light hits his big blues gives them an almost haunted look. “I don’t know exactly where this will go, River, but I’m going to try and move on, like you’re doing.”

A low growl comes from his direction. “I don’t like this, B, not at all.”

I look over and Lane is shoving popcorn in his mouth, watching the previews. “Listen, River, can we talk about this another time? I’m sorry you’re upset. That’s certainly not my intention. I had no idea you’d be here.”

“I was taking your advice and trying harder. I thought this would be a good way to spend time with her and hopefully help her feel like I’m into her, even though I’m not there yet.”

I give him an appreciative half-smile. “Thanks, River. Now let’s watch the movie.”

“Okay,” he says, and then he squeezes my thigh.

I try not to flinch or move to not set off Willow or Lane. The warmth of River’s hand sends heat up my body. I take my coat off trying to cool down.

The movie proceeds and Lane grabs my hand. It’s nice, so I leave my hand in his. I put my coat on my lap to warm my legs. Moments later, River puts his hand under my jacket and on my thigh and moves it up my leg slowly. Tingles erupt at the contact and shoot straight up my body. It’s all I can do to sit still. Instinctively, I want to open my legs to allow River’s hand to go where I really want it, but of course that can’t happen. Thankful for the darkness, I put my hand on his and give it a squeeze, hoping he’ll get the point without making a scene.

Before I know it. River’s face is in my hair as he whispers in my ear. “I want to touch you so bad.” I shiver at the feel of his warm breath smelling of soda and River.

“You can’t,” I say under my breath. “Please stop. They’re going to see.”

“You’re so close to me. I miss you.” His hand moves back up my leg.

My heart melts. I miss him too, and all I want to do is be close to him. I can’t let him know I agree, though. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, and I shift my legs so they are on top of Lane’s.

River glares at me like I’ve stabbed him in the heart, but I have to make him realize I’m serious. Lane, on the other hand, gives me a huge grin when he sees the arrival of my legs on his. He puts his hands on my thighs and rubs them up and down. I wish there was the same spark there when River touched me. It’ll come. I just have to give it time.

When the movie ends, Lane and I say our goodbyes to River and Willow. River seems to be more pissed off than he was when he first saw us. I just ignore him and tell Willow I’ll call her in the morning. My heart hurts, watching them leave together.

A part of me wishes I’d seen River’s hand on Willow’s thigh tonight, but I know deep down the gravity of how much worse it would feel. The irony of my predicament isn’t lost on me.

Lane drives me home, and on the way my phone rings through with several text messages. The first is from River:

You’ve got to be kidding me. He was feeling you up the entire movie. What is going on with you two? Be honest with me.

Then the next is from Willow:

Yay! I heart Lane Powers. I need all the juicy deets ASAP!

I sigh, wondering how I’m going to respond to either of these messages. I quickly decide maybe it’ll be best to ignore them altogether.

When we stop in front of my house, Lane puts his car in park and looks over at me. “I had so much fun tonight.”

“I did too. Thank you so much for taking me.” I smile at him, hoping he can’t tell I didn’t have quite as much fun as he did.

Lane leans in and brushes the hair back from my face with his fingertips. “I enjoy spending time with you. Anytime you want to hang out, just let me know.” The corners of his lips turn up in a sweet grin. “I was curious if you would come with me to the BHC Christmas party?”

“I’d like that.”

“That’s awesome. It’s going to be a great night. I just have this feeling.”

Hoping he’s right, I give him a smile back. I’m not sure if it reaches my eyes, but I give the best effort I can muster.

Lane comes toward me and kisses my lips softly. I lean into him, giving my assent. I open my mouth, granting his tongue access. It’s not a kiss laced with passion, but one with promise and hope for more.

***

Willow is feeling good enough the next day to go shopping. We go to some of our favorite boutiques to look for Christmas party dresses. We’re sharing a dressing room in one boutique that we love, trying on several gorgeous cocktail dresses.

Despite the constant flow of text messages last night from River, asking for details about Lane, and from Willow, wanting the same information, I ignored both of them. I know today I won’t be able to keep the inquiry at bay from Willow. I’m still shocked she hasn’t bombarded me with questions yet.

“I had a memory last night at the movie theatre. It was about you, me, and River sitting in the same theatre. Do you remember the time we were there and snuck in a bottle of wine? We shared it, drinking right out of the bottle?” Willow asks, raising a conspiratorial brow.

“Oh my goodness, that was such a fun night! I’m so happy you remembered it!” It’s amazing she’s finally starting to get some of her memories back. Her doctors weren’t sure how long it would take.

“Yeah, I thought about it during the movie and wasn’t sure if it actually happened or not,” Willow says, easing her thin frame into a navy-blue dress with a tulip bottom. It fits like a glove.

“Oh, it definitely happened. Do you recall once the bottle of wine was gone, we started a popcorn fight with people in the rows in front of us and ended up getting kicked out?” I giggle.

“Yes, that was hysterical. I was worried I wouldn’t ever get my memory back. I’m so relieved.” She spins around and I can’t help but admire the beauty of the dress despite how thin and frail she still looks.

“I love that one! It fits you perfectly.” I sigh in hesitation, not wanting to seem insensitive. “You know I love you, right?”

“Of course. What’s going on?”

“I’m just worried about you. You seem really thin. Are you eating?” There, I said it.

She looks at me, nothing but sincerity in her pale eyes. “I’m trying, Kate. I don’t have a huge appetite yet. Trust me when I say my mom is trying very hard to fatten me up. She’s making me all my favorite foods and bringing me any type of take-out I ask for, but I take a few bites and that’s all I want.” She starts taking the straps of the dress off her arms. “Don’t worry about me. I’m sure, like my memory, my appetite will return.”

“Number one, of course I’m going to worry about you. And number two, I think we should go to Bobby’s for lunch after we’re done trying on dresses. Remember they have the best paninis?” Bobby’s is our favorite lunch spot.

“Okay, sounds like a plan. Don’t think I’m going to let you get away another minute without telling me about you and Lane.”

Here it is. Let the interrogation begin. “It’s really new. There isn’t much to tell.” I don’t look her in the eye. I only stare at my reflection and the gorgeous periwinkle cocktail dress I’m wearing.

“Oh no, no! I see the way he looks at you. He’s smitten.”

“He’s a great guy. He asked me out recently and I said yes. End of story.”

“I’ve been gone for a while. I need dirt. Are you into him?” She slips on a white mermaid-style dress.

How do I answer that question? I’m trying to be into him. No, I’m still in love with River. That won’t do, so I try to be as honest as possible. “I do like him. He’s sweet, caring, and I’m really enjoying his company.”

“He’s hot too.” She winks at me.

“He is, and a good kisser,” I say, trying on a hot red dress with an asymmetrical skirt.

“Nice. Have you got past first base yet?”

“Nope, not yet.” I blurt out.

“Girl, that dress is sexy! If you wear it to the party, I know you’ll be traveling the bases in no time. Do you think he’ll take your virginity?”

Oh shit. My stomach drops. I forgot she has no idea I’m not a virgin anymore. “I think I’ll take this dress, but I’m not sure we’ll be rounding the bases anytime soon. Which dress do you want?” I ask, hoping to change the subject of my virginity, or lack thereof.

“Hmm, what do you think? I love the navy blue.”

“Yes, that was my favorite too. I think River will love it.” My stomach sinks even thinking this.

“He has been putting forth a bit more effort. I hope it continues.” She gives me a small smile and puts her jeans back on. “Okay, perfect. We’re going to be the hottest chicas at this party.”

Hmm, how much more effort has River been putting forth? I cringe internally.

“Let’s check out and grab some lunch,” I say, happy to get the hell out of the small dressing room. Claustrophobic claws squeeze me almost to my breaking point. There isn’t enough room in here for all the questions Willow keeps asking me.

After having a delicious—yet distracting because she was on the phone almost the entire time—lunch with Willow, I decided to stop by Lane’s apartment.

Lane is so happy to see me. He makes us vanilla milkshakes and we decide to marathon watch the series Dexter.

Later in the evening when we’re on the sixth episode, Kyle Powers storms in while we’re eating microwave macaroni and cheese like an oncoming tornado. His dark hair is slicked back, highlighting his handsome features. The cool air from having the door open sends a shiver down my back. He looks at Lane and then me with a partial scowl on his face.

“Hey,” he says on his way down the hall to his room with a bag slung over his shoulder.

“Wow. Glad to see my brother is home.” Lane puts a huge bite of mac and cheese in his mouth.

“I didn’t even realize he was coming home. I mean, of course I knew he’d be here for Christmas break, but you didn’t mention it.” Surprised is the least I can say.

He shrugs. “Must have slipped my mind.”

I might not have stopped by Lane’s if I’d realized Kyle was coming home. He’s always been a jerk and after he took Willow’s virginity in high school and cheated on her shortly after, I really don’t like him.

Moments later, Kyle comes out of his room, seemingly out of breath, and sits down in a chair near Lane. “What are you guys up to?”

Lane looks at me and then Kyle. “You’re looking at it. Just enjoying some food and hanging out.”

There is a long pause I feel compelled to fill in. “How’s school, Kyle?”

He shoots me a look as if he’s just realizing I’m here. “It’s great.” He stares at me with his piercing sapphire eyes. “How’s your friend Willow? I heard she’s home.”

What do you care, asshole? “She’s good. She has some memory loss, but other than that she’s feeling better.” I smile, then add for good measure, “She’s so happy, she and River have an amazing relationship. He’s been by her side supporting her recovery one hundred percent.” It’s as if I’m duty-bound to tell Kyle that tidbit. I just had to.

He gives me a fake grin. “That’s great.”

“I told you that,” Lane says, joining in on the conversation. “When you called.”

Kyle eyes Lane. “Oh yeah. Must’ve slipped my mind.” He looks down at his watch. “I gotta go.”

And just like that the storm passes…for now at least.

“Why does he always seem like he’s in a bad mood? Or is it just him? Constantly ornery?” I ask.

“No, he’s not always a jerk. I’m not sure what it is. Seems like whenever you’re around, he’s in a bad mood. Just ignore him.”

“That’s difficult, since he is your brother. What have I ever done to him?” I ask, frowning. The more I think about it, the more irritated I become. It doesn’t make sense to me that he’d still be pissed off about the Willow break-up. It was so long ago, and he was the one who was screwing around on her. Yes, I was the one that caught him, but it doesn’t give him the right to be mad at me.

“I’m sure it’s nothing.” He scooches closer to me on the couch and touches my bottom lip with his finger. “You had a little cheese there.”

I guess Lane is going to glaze over his asshole brother. I’m not surprised. I wipe at my mouth. “Is it gone?”

“Yeah.” He leans in closer and puts his hand on my cheek, then kisses me. It’s nice and sweet, but I can’t have it going any further with the possibility of Kyle coming back home. And the lurking suspicions still running around in my head.

I pull away. “Let’s go to your room.”

“Good idea.”

I follow him into his room and sit on the edge of his bed. I want him to touch me. I want to forget about the interaction I just had with Kyle. I need to feel something. But I also don’t want to go all the way with Lane, or lead him into thinking I’m ready for anything more yet. Lane takes a seat next to me on the bed.

I leave my thoughts somewhere in the back of my mind, put my arms around Lane’s neck, and place a soft kiss on his throat, then up his chin and finally to his lips. A small moan escapes him, and the sound does something to me. While my tongue strokes his, I put my hand over his right one and guide it up my shirt and onto the skin of my abdomen. I shiver at the sensation of soft skin on my flesh. I move his hand up and under my bra to my oversensitive nipple. I drop my hand, leaving his there to do what it wants.

I’m breathless when Lane strokes his fingertips over my breast and his left hand comes up my shirt to give the other attention. I deepen the kiss and melt in the sweet taste of Lane’s tongue and lips. “Ahh, that feels so good,” I sigh.

“Your body is beautiful,” Lane says breathlessly. “Can I take your shirt off?” His fingertips graze the sensitive skin over my ribs. Something in the gesture brings to light a memory of River’s fingers touching the same spot. I gasp, instinctively pull back, and push his hand awkwardly away.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I mumble, smoothing my shirt down.

“Are you okay?” Lane gives my shoulder a comforting squeeze.

I nod.

“What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

I take a moment to collect myself. I clearly can’t tell him what’s going on in my twisted mind. “I’m sorry, I’m getting tired.”

He looks at me with his warm brown eyes. “Don’t apologize. I can take you home now so you can get some rest.”

This is why I care for and respect this man so much. Other guys might get pissed off if I were to stop right in the middle of a heavy make-out session. Not Lane. He goes with the flow. I’m sure inside he’s disappointed, but he’s got a great poker face. I sincerely hope my feelings can catch up to his, and soon.

“Thanks, Lane, that’d be great.” I stand and pick at some imaginary lint on my shirt.

“Hey,” Lane says, standing up next to me. He puts his hands on my arms. “It’s not a big deal. I’m here when you’re ready, okay.”

“Thanks for understanding.”

We hug and I breathe in his musky scent, trying not to compare it with River’s.

Chapter 6

The snowstorm outside and sub-zero temperatures make the restaurant a ghost town. I can’t say it isn’t still slightly awkward between me and my boss, Kelly Martin, at Sheldon’s. I feel betrayed by the woman for firing me for no real reason, other than listening to people who hated me, like Peg McEwan and Calista Merryman. I’m doing my best to forgive her, though, especially since River did get me the job back. More importantly, I can’t afford not to have this job. I have to save every penny for grad school next year.

“I’m sending a couple servers home early. Do you want to leave now?” Kelly asks me near the bar area.

I shake my head. “No, I’d like to stay, if you don’t mind? I could really use the money.”

“No problem. I just thought I’d offer it to you first.” Her lips turn up in a tight thin smile, just like the rest of her.

“I appreciate the offer, thank you.”

Kelly walks away while I stay in the bar, waiting for my table’s drinks. The door to the bar opens, and in walks River, bundled in his bomber jacket and winter hat. He’s covered in snow and looks absolutely adorable. He stomps his feet, takes his hat off in the doorway. My fingers come up and trace the outline of my lips, seeing his red cheeks across the room. When his eyes scan the room and meet mine, he strides toward me, giving me the hot half-smile that warms me from the inside out. It’s difficult, but I check myself and my excitement at seeing him and wipe the smirk from my face.

Standing in front of me, he doesn’t say a word at first and just gives me a freezing cold and wet hug. “Hey, B.”

My heart melts when he calls me by my favorite nickname that only he calls me. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“It’s brutal outside, but I had to see you. I texted and called your phone. Since you didn’t answer, I stopped by your house, and your mom said you were at work.”

I give him a sidelong glance. “Wow, must be important to come out in this weather.”

“It is. I need to see you and talk to you. Can I come over and see you tonight?”

“Well, I told Kelly I’d stay and work tonight. I have no idea when I’ll get home.” I hope that discourages him.

“That’s okay. You can just text me when you’re leaving, and I’ll stop by. Or do you need a ride home?”

Honestly, I could use a ride. My sister dropped me off earlier so she could use my car. Taking River up on his offer is very tempting, but I’m still not sure it’s a great idea for him to be coming over to my house. “I wouldn’t want to trouble you. I’m sure the roads are nasty.”

“No, it’s fine. I’d be happy to come get you. It’s not an issue. Just let me know when you want me.”

When I want him, ha. What a joke.

Kelly is wiping her way down the bar. She pauses for a moment near us and says, “Since there haven’t been any new customers in the last hour, we’re going to close, Kate. Why don’t you have River give you a ride home when you finish with your last table?”

I look at River and bite down a smile. I’m more excited than I should be about finishing my shift early.

He nods and says, “Yeah, I’ll wait for you.”

I finish up with my last customers and clean my tables. After saying goodbye to Kelly, River drives us to my place. The roads are substantially worse than when I came in to work hours ago. The snow has accumulated, and it doesn’t appear the plows are able to keep up with it. River’s Land Rover makes easy work of traversing the slush.

The drive home is mostly in silence with only small talk about the weather and his ninja driving skills. What should have taken five minutes takes us fifteen minutes. When we safely arrive at my house, I realize my car isn’t even here. Stella must still be at Beck’s house.

We park on the street. The cold bites my cheeks as I get out of River’s truck. The driveway is slick, and nobody has shoveled us out yet. River grasps my arm and assists me up my driveway and into the house.

Walking in my front door, I call out for my mother but don’t hear anything. The lights are on. It’s clear she’s home. “She must be in her room,” I say, not quite sure why I feel my nerves kick in. I haven’t even given myself a chance to think about what River hunted me down in a blizzard for.

We both take off our snow-covered shoes and make our way to the kitchen.

“Oh, that’s good.” River takes off his jacket and puts it on the back of one of the chairs at the island.

He’s wearing jeans and a long-sleeved royal-blue shirt, making his eyes an even deeper, more intense shade. It’s almost impossible to look away from him.

“Can I get some water?” He clears his throat.

He isn’t helping my sense of unease. “Sure.” I get him a glass of water and set it in front of him on the island.

River grabs my hand and brings his eyes to mine, searing pools of intensity reaching down into my soul. “B, you need to tell me what’s going on with you and Lane Powers.”

So that’s what’s on his mind. He’s jealous. No shit, buddy. I know exactly how he feels, and he hasn’t even seen me get physical with Lane, unlike the visions I have of him and Willow making out on the couch. That memory jumps into my brain and plays around in there like a toddler banging on drum. It’s so disruptive that it pulls me out of my normal daily activities and fucks everything up.

I shrug. “It’s not a big deal.”

“It looked like it was a bigger deal than you’re making it.” His tone seeps with accusation.

“I don’t know what to tell you.” I cross my arms over my chest, and the muscles of my jaw tighten. This is none of his business.

“Okay, tell me if you’ve slept with him.” His eyes plead with mine.

“What?” I honestly can’t believe he’s asking me this. I don’t want details of his and Willow’s relationship. Why do that to yourself? My jaw is beginning to ache I’m clenching it so hard. It isn’t fair he’s asking me this, and I don’t want to answer.

“I need to know,” he says in a voice just above a whisper.

“I can’t believe you’re asking me this. Why?” I frown and clasp my hands tightly in front of me, my knuckles turning white.

He runs his hand through his blond spikes. “We were just together. As a man who loves you, I feel protective of you still. I can’t stop it. Don’t even ask me to try. The only thing I’ve been able to think about is you and Lane together since I saw you at the movies with him. My imagination is running all over the place.” He just stares at me with a sharp note of sadness in his features and waits.

I start chewing on the tip of my thumb. No, I’m actually gnawing it. I’m not sure how to handle this. River looks hurt, and I care for him. The last thing I want is to hurt him. On the other hand, I don’t want him to know how much I’ve been holding back with Lane because of my seemingly everlasting feelings for him. “It’s new, River. He’s nice to me and takes my mind off things, you know? And we haven’t had sex.” I lay it out on the line. He doesn’t need to stress about it. I battle with myself on whether or not to ask him if he’s been with Willow since she’s been back, but I don’t go there. I can’t.

River’s shoulders visibly relax, and he exhales air I didn’t realize he’d been holding. The gravity of our situation hits me. He’s still in love with me and doesn’t want me with anyone else. Before I can say anything, he puts his arms around me, planting his lips so harshly to mine I can barely register what’s happening.

The kiss is powerful. Filled with urgency and desire.

Far be it for me to stop him now, because I’m hungry for it. I want this closeness with him, and all of the resolve I’ve had built up is suddenly knocked down with one kiss. Lips to lips, tongue to tongue, all I can breathe is River.

His hands come to my hair as he clasps my head and pulls me into him, trying to remove any last remnants of space between us.

Our tongues continue to dance, and my body ignites. Tingles form at my center and go all the way to the ends of my fingers and toes. It’s as if my hands have a mind of their own, and they find their way to his back, to the spot I love right above the top of his jeans. His smooth skin is warm to my cool hands, so welcoming. It takes me back to a time when River was mine and I could touch every part of him freely, without hesitation. But here I am now, lying to myself. Pretending all of this is okay.

River’s hand moves up my shirt, and as soon as the contact is made with the sensitive skin of my abdomen, I know this is the point of no return. Either I end it or I give it all to him.

It amazes me how painful it is for me to break the kiss, but I can’t let things get any more out of control. The cold sensation that overwhelms me when I drop my hands from his body causes me to shiver. I open my eyes to see his, confused and hurt. I know that if too many words are exchanged, I’ll lose the last shred of willpower I have left.

I know what has to be done.

“You need to leave.” I point to the door.

“What’s wrong?” He tries to reach for me.

I step back. “Nothing. Please leave.” I walk to the chair and give him his jacket.

His eyes are wide with concern. “No, wait. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t want to talk.” I turn my eyes to the floor.

He finally takes his jacket from me. “Is this what you want?” He sighs. “For me to go?”

“Yes.” No! Of course this isn’t what I want. My stomach sinks to the floor as the lie exits my lips. He has to leave before I’m a puddle at his feet.

His hand comes to my chin and points it up so I am forced to stare at him. “Look at me when you say it.”

Teetering on the edge of tears, I peer at him. “I need you to go now. Please.”

He puts his jacket on and mumbles something under his breath that sounds a lot like “Why do I have to love you so damn much?” He turns the knob to the door and is gone.

The moment the door clicks closed, my floodgates open.

Chapter 7

While I check my lipstick in the bathroom at the BHC Christmas party, I allow myself the opportunity to really check myself out. The dress I chose looks damn good. It’s crimson red with a princess-seamed bodice that’s very figure flattering. A small but tasteful amount of cleavage shows, which Lane, not so subtly, has been admiring all night. I finished the look off with a pair of black peep-toe heels and a black clutch. My brown hair is down and curled in loose waves, and my lipstick matches my dress.

The DJ pumps loud, upbeat music from the stage. I sigh when the dancing starts. I have to do the dirty job I hate, but feel is completely necessary. River needs to see me happy with Lane. We both have to move on, and the quicker he gets the message, the better.

I walk to where Willow is fast dancing with River and ask her if she’s seen Lane. Before she can answer, I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to find Lane in his handsome, navy, pinstripe fitted suit, smiling, with his hand held out for me to join him in a dance. Here is my opportunity.

I wrap my arms around his neck, and Lane puts his hands on my hips. We stare at each other while dancing to a sexy Justin Timberlake song. Before I can get lost in Lane, I feel a stare coming from behind me. It’s very warm and the heat increases when Lane’s hands move up my back and finds my bare skin. It awakens my nerve endings, and I press my body closer to his. When I weave my fingers in the back of his hair; it earns me a devilish grin. Damn, he is good looking. We sway together in time to the thumping beat. My mind clears of everything but Lane, but just as I start getting carried away, the feeling of being stared at pulls me back to the here and now.

I turn around so my back is to Lane, and I’m facing in River’s direction. I follow River’s eyes searing through me as Lane’s hands move around to my waist and his lips come to my neck.

River is fast dancing with Willow, but his focus is most definitely on me. Without taking my eyes off River, I tilt my head to grant Lane more access and rock my hips back and forth.

“You look so hot tonight,” Lane whispers in my ear between kisses on my neck.

My mind and body are playing tug-of-war. A bolt of electricity shoots down my spine from the contact of Lane’s mouth. Paired with the fire of River’s scrutiny, it’s a heady combination.

The bass of the music matches my heartbeat. An array of multicolored light beams moves throughout the room in shimmering crisscross patterns. I can see a small gleam of sweat on River’s forehead, and something inside me wants to go to him and wipe it away.

Stop it, Kate.

I move my hands to Lane’s hips while we sway to the music. Feeling his strong leg muscles flex and relax as we move reminds me of all the times I admired River’s strong legs. Feeling Lane and having River’s teal blues on me is mesmerizing. It’s almost as if I’m somehow touching River. Excitement moves through me, and my nipples harden.

When River places his hands on Willow’s hips, I turn to face Lane. I know River is still looking in our direction—he hasn’t taken his eyes off me this entire song. I’m not sure what makes me do it, but I grab the back of Lane’s head and pull him to my lips. I crush my mouth on his with more intensity than I ever have before. I know something needs to be done to make River see I am moving on and he has to do the same with Willow.

After I end the kiss and my breathing returns to normal, I notice that Lane’s eyes have darkened. Cooling off is a necessity.

“I need a drink,” I tell him.

Wanting another look at River, I turn. Sadness fills me. They’re both gone. Where did they go?

Lane and I go back to our table. I have a seat, and Lane goes up to get us drinks. I sure could use one to cool down.

I half-heartedly listen in on a conversation a few girls are having at the table. Its nonsense about who’s wearing what and who’s fucking who. I instead turn my attention to people watching. I scan the bar area to see Lane walking away with two drinks in his hands. What a great guy, such a gentleman. A girl in a short teal dress stops him. She looks like she’s checking him out. He does look great tonight. She touches his shoulder and tilts her head back laughing. Annoying.

Back over by the bar, River is standing there. My breath hitches. I excuse myself from the catty girls, telling them I need to go get a drink. None of them seem to care.

I walk slowly up to him, hoping I can just say hi, grab my drink, and go back to my table. When he turns around and sees me, he just gives me the once-over and downs a shot. His mood is unreadable, and he turns back to the bar to order another shot. It must be tequila, because he turns toward me and licks his hand, salts it, and takes the shot and licks his hand once more, all the while staring directly at me with a look somewhere between contempt and desire. I’m transfixed as I watch his tongue glide across his hand. Warmth spreads through me and pools in my core.

“Sorry, that was rude of me. Want a shot?” River says, taking his wallet out of his pocket.

“No, I’m good. Thank you, though.” I shake my head, hoping to pull my mind out of the gutter I’ve currently found myself in.

“Oh, don’t I know how good you are.” He leans toward me and raises his eyebrows.

His breath is warm and smells of alcohol. Who knows how much he’s had.

“Don’t talk like that, River.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.

“Like what?”

My voice raises as my blood pressure rises. “You’re being vulgar. How much have you had to drink?”

“That really is none of your concern. You made it clear last night when you kicked me out of your house.” He bites out each syllable.

That’s fair, I guess. “Listen, I’m just asking you to please be nice. There’s no need for things to get nasty between us.”

“Okay, if you don’t want things nasty, then what the fuck was that scene between you and Lane out there?” He points toward the dance floor.

“It was dancing. That’s all.” I’m being coy and know it, but I don’t have an explanation.

“Well, if you don’t know, then let me tell you. That was you teasing me. And guess what? It fucking worked.” He wipes sweat from his forehead, and it spikes up the top of his hair in such a hot way I can barely keep my hands away from it. “We were both imagining ourselves dancing with each other instead of our dates. You were eye fucking me from across the room. I was getting hard, watching your dress move up your thighs. All I could do was put my hand on Willow’s and imagine it was yours. You can’t tell me you weren’t doing the same thing.”

“No, that wasn’t what I was doing!” How did he know?

River leans closer and whispers in my ear. “I saw the look in your eyes, Kate. It’s the same one you give me when we’re intimate. I’ll never ever forget that look.” He breathes deeply into my hair, and I can’t stop myself from shivering. “You were looking at me, not Lane. That was the only thing keeping me from coming over there and punching him in the face.” He plants a ghost of a kiss on my neck and up my cheek, and before I know it, his lips graze mine, but so quickly, I don’t even get the chance to reprimand him. My breath comes too quick. The feel of his warm lips on mine turns me on and breaks my heart in equal measure.

I’m dazed for a second. I put my fingers up to my burning lips. I’m sure he’s right when he said the way we stared at each other was insanely intimate. It was meant to be a show for him to see how much Lane and I are into one another. It backfired. I’m so weak when it comes to River. I need to find it in myself to suck it up now, or everything will be ruined. Or is it already ruined?

I look around to see if anyone noticed River kiss me, but it doesn’t appear we’ve drawn anyone’s attention. I pull strength from a source deep within myself, one I’ve been tapping into too much lately. I’m afraid there isn’t much left anymore. I reach up and slap River across the face. The look of shock in his eyes must mirror mine. I can’t believe I just did that.

River’s hand flies up to his chin. His mouth opens, but I’m not sure if it’s from pain or shock. “What was that for?” he asks, wincing.

“That’s for you kissing me in front of everyone. That’s also for talking to me the way you are. It’s over, River. I told you. You need to listen to me. I’m done with this.” I point back and forth between us. “We’re both moving on now. It’s over, end of story.” I don’t raise my voice, but keep my tone cool. I pull out the big guns—the only thing I have left in my arsenal. The last assurance I have to keep Willow happy. “I slept with him.” I turn on my heel and walk away, my heart shattering into a million irreparable pieces.

I don’t turn around because I can’t bear to see the look on River’s face. I’m not proud of what I said or did. It just had to happen so he’ll move on. Nothing else I’ve said or done has changed how he acts. The final shot has been fired; I just hope there isn’t too much wreckage left behind.

I immediately bolt outside to cry. There’s no way I can let anyone see me like this. The cold against my exposed skin revives me. My heart races, and I lean against a railing to gain my footing. Alone, save a few people far away on the lawn, I cry it out. What I’ve done will finally bring things back to the way they should be. When I’m finally done, I take a deep cleansing breath and wipe away my tears. All I really want to do is go home, but I have to go back inside and play normal. I want to see my best friend and reassure myself this heartache is worth it.

Willow is fast dancing with a girl I don’t recognize. Dancing is normal, right? I could use some dancing to get out some of my aggressions. I’m thankful for the dark room, as I’m sure my eyes are red. I walk up to the girls and see it’s Karli Parker, a girl we went to high school with. I haven’t seen her in ages, so when I get up to her, I stop and give her a hug. “Hey, Karli, how are you?”

She hugs me back. “Oh my gosh, how are you, Kate?”

Her long brown hair is curled in waves, and she’s taller than I remember. She looks model-worthy in her ivory cocktail dress. “I’m doing great, thanks for asking. Especially since my girl Willow got home.” I point in Willow’s direction. She has a huge grin on her face, and I wonder how much she’s had to drink. This is why—she is why I just tortured River.

“I know. I heard while I was away at school she was missing. It’s so nice to see her back here and safe,” Karli says, giving Willow a warm smile.

“What have you been up to? Are you in college?” I ask her. I pretend I’m interested with a huge smile on my face, but the fact is that I don’t give a shit about anything but what I just did to River.

“I’m home for Christmas break. I’m at Weston University. Hoping to be a veterinarian.” Her face beams.

“Oh, that’s awesome.” I try to match her excitement, but I’m sure I come up short. “Isn’t that where Kyle Powers goes to school?”

She nods.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Willow asks.

“No, definitely no one to speak of.” She winks at us.

Karli was always a fun girl in school, even though I didn’t hang out with her much. I wish I had the energy and emotional availability to keep up the pleasantries.

I startle when hands come around my waist. When I turn my head, there is so much warmth in Lane’s eyes. He’s smirking at me, and I force a grin back at him and turn in his direction so we can dance together. Conveniently, a slow song comes on, and I abandon my friends to dance with Lane.

“Is everything okay with you? You seem a little frazzled,” Lane asks.

“No, I’m fine.” I rest my head against his shoulder so he won’t see the lie in my eyes. We dance in silence, and I hold him tightly, wishing I could somehow create the closeness I’m desperate to feel with him.

When the song ends, we sway back and forth for a few moments more. I let go of him and realize a tear is falling down my cheek. I quickly look down and wipe it away. “Can we go sit down?”

“Sure,” Lane says and leads me toward our table. We’re alone and I’m happy for it. I’d rather not talk to anyone right now.

If he noticed I was crying, he kindly didn’t say anything. Once we sit, I sip my drink while trying to calm down. Lane and I relax and people watch for a while. Sitting in silence with Lane is never awkward or difficult. To the contrary, it’s comforting and soothing. I don’t have it in me to strike up an elaborate conversation, and I’m thankful Lane doesn’t either.

“I’ll be right back. I have to use the restroom,” I lean in to tell Lane in his ear.

“Okay, I’ll be here waiting for you.” He kisses my cheek.

I walk away. My heels are starting to dig into my feet, making the trek quite painful. I notice the girl in the teal dress that was hitting on Lane earlier. She’s with a small group of friends dancing. They are most definitely staring at me and no doubt talking about me. I need to get out of here as soon as possible. I rush the rest of the way to the bathroom.             

As I leave the restroom, my skin prickles and I see River standing next to the door. “Hey, I heard you when you said you’re moving on, and I’m going to give you what you want. I’ll leave you alone.” He shifts his body away from me. “For good.”

I stare at him in shock, not because of what he said, but because of the finality of it. It’s palpable, like I can touch it as if it’s a brick wall in front of me. “Okay, thank you.” I guess.

It’s odd how calm he appears. He’s no longer wearing his suit jacket and tie and his shirt is unbuttoned a few buttons. I try not to stare at the smooth skin of his chest. “You know I’ll back you up in any of your decisions.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Even if it kills me.” He snorts and staggers a little.

“Are you okay?” I ask before I can even think of how dumb the question is.

He rights himself. “No, I’m fine.”

“Good,” I lie.

“Listen, I came to find you to ask you if you’ve seen Willow. I don’t know where she is, and I need to get the hell out of here.” He’s talking to me, but he won’t look at me.

“No, I haven’t.” I think back to the last time I saw her. It was when we were all dancing, but that was at least a half hour earlier.

“Shit, if you see her, please tell her to come find me.”

“Okay. I’m sure she hasn’t gone far. Maybe you should check outside.” When I was out there, I noticed there were some people out by the terrace.

“Yeah, I’m going to go out there now.”

“Good idea,” I say just above a whisper.

He turns to walk away from me, then looks back. “Hey, Kate?”

“Yeah?” My heart skips a beat. There’s no explanation for it, but I’m hopeful that he might beg me to leave Lane and be with him.

“I’m happy for you.”

I nod, then watch with a distant empty stare as he leaves.

An ache forms deep in my chest and hopelessness blankets my body. It’s as if all my energy has left me. I make my way back to our table and find Lane doing exactly what he said he would be doing, waiting for me.

“Can we go now?” I ask, grabbing my bag and barely glancing at him.

“Of course.” He looks up at me from his chair and grabs my hand. “Kate, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just exhausted,” I lie. I seem to be doing a great job of that tonight.

He sighs and pushes in his chair. I know I’m being bitchy and difficult, and he’s just taking it. I can’t even apologize, because I don’t know what I can say to make up for my behavior. I just want out of here.

We get our jackets at the coat check and make our way outside. It’s snowing and a light dusting illuminates the grounds. A small group of people huddle under a nearby tree, and I think one of them is Willow.

“Can you tell who that is?” I ask Lane, squinting my eyes.

“I think I see my brother.”

We make our way to the group as River punches Kyle in the face. I notice Willow crying hysterically and screaming, “No!”

Chapter 8

Lane jumps into the middle of the fight, putting a hand on River’s and Kyle’s chests. “That’s enough.”

“Step back, Lane. Your brother and I have more to talk about,” River says, pressing hard against Lane’s hand.

Kyle grasps his jaw. “Get the fuck away from here, River.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I came out here and saw that you made Willow cry. I want to know why,” River shouts.

“Fuck off. You have no idea what we were talking about. It wasn’t me making her cry,” Kyle spits back.

“What are you trying to say?” River continues attempting to move his way through Lane’s outstretched arm.

“Our conversation is none of your fucking business.” Kyle’s eyes shoot toward Willow and back at River.

River’s eyes widen. “She’s my girlfriend, and she’s upset, so yes, it is my business.” He pushes past Lane, shoves Kyle to the ground, and leans over, arm cocked back to punch him again.

Lane wraps both arms around River, trying to pull him off his brother.

River flails against Lane, still managing to land several punches on Kyle’s face.

“River, please stop,” Willow shouts.

He doesn’t hear or is ignoring her pleas. It isn’t enough. River is unstoppable. He continues punching Kyle in the face and stomach. All the while Lane tugs on him like a puppet on a string. He refuses to give up on his effort to help his brother. It’s a noble effort, but with the amount of rage clear on River’s face, Lane is unable to stop him.

It’s a feeble effort. Kyle is slim and no match for River’s strong, toned body. Kyle lies on the ground on his side, unable to fight back in any way.

Blood glistens on Kyle’s forehead and runs from his nose. He’s clutching his ribs and moaning.

Guilt courses through me. Kyle is feeling the full brunt of River’s wrath, and I might be at least somewhat responsible for that anger. How I wish I could go back and change what I said. The damage is done. What can I do now? Standing here watching Kyle getting beat to a pulp is agonizing.

He won’t stop hitting Kyle, and I can’t bear to watch it anymore. “River! You need to stop.” I move toward him.

Unbelievably, he stops, stands up straight, and looks at me. Lane lets go of the back of River’s shirt, and he also stops and rushes to his brother’s side.

“It’s not worth it, River. Just go home,” I plead, desperate for him to hear me.

He shakes his head and then stomps away.

Willow and I rush to kneel down next to Kyle.

“Kyle, do we need to call an ambulance?” Willow asks, assessing him.

“Ugh. I need to get home,” Kyle moans as he struggles to sit up. He sways slightly, and Willow is right there next to him, helping him stay upright. Blood is oozing from a cut above his eye and from his nose.

“Willow, if you want to go to River, I can make sure Kyle gets taken care of.” Even as I say this, I want to be the one going after River, but it’s not my concern now.

Tears stream down Willow’s cheeks as she stares at Kyle. “No. This wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me. Let River cool off by himself.”

It confuses me that Willow wants to stay with Kyle and not be with her boyfriend right now, but I agree with her. River definitely needs to calm down.

Kneeling in front of Kyle, I say. “Sounds like a plan. Can you walk, Kyle?”

Lane is at his brother’s side, helping him up with Willow’s assistance. “Do you need to go to the ER, bro?”

“No, I just want to go home. I’ll get some ice on my face, and I’ll be good.” Kyle grimaces and clutches his ribs while taking his time rising to a standing position.

Lane and Willow assist Kyle while I rush to the parking lot to get Lane’s car and bring it closer.

Lane tries to help assist Kyle in the passenger seat. Kyle gingerly sits himself down. “I can do it myself.” By the pained noises that come from deep in his chest, it’s clear it’s taking everything in him to keep up his cool guy façade.

Willow pushes past Lane and examines Kyle. When she’s sure he’s okay, she buckles his seat belt for him. “It’s okay to ask for help, Kyle. Are you going to be all right like this?” Her voice is laced with worry.

“I’m fine.” Kyle groans out, but clutches his ribs at the same time.

The rest of us take our seats in the car. Thankfully sober and the most clearheaded for the job, Lane drives us all to his apartment in record time.

“Let’s get him inside,” Lane says as he pulls the car into the driveway. He jumps out, leaving his door open for us to climb out of the back seat, and rushes to open Kyle’s door. As he helps guide each leg out, Kyle moans in pain. “One at a time, man. You’re going to be okay.”

Kyle grimaces as he attempts to move from the seat to a standing position.

“What hurts? What can I do?” Willow asks in a gentle tone, holding the door open for the guys.

“Come next to me. I need both of you to help me up,” Kyle says.

I watch Lane and Willow assist Kyle gingerly into the house, an ache forming at the back of my throat. I don’t know what to do, so I walk behind them, offering little to no assistance, but I have to do something.

Once inside, they get Kyle comfortable on his bed, and Willow takes charge. “Lane, go grab some washcloths, towels, and anything you have that’s antiseptic. Kate, bring ice in plastic bags. We have to get him cleaned up.” Willow takes off her coat and begins removing Kyle’s shirt.

Lane and I go into the hallway, and I grasp his arm, begging for assurance. “Do you think he’s going to be okay?”

Lane turns to me, leans forward with steady eyes, and grasps my shoulder reassuringly. “Yes, everything will be fine.”

I nod. “I’ll grab the ice.”

When I get back to Kyle’s room, Willow is already wiping the blood away from a cut above his right eye. I stand watching for a moment. Her guilt must be substantial. She’s like a mother hen tending to one of her babies, her eyes focused and hands following suite.

She says, “This probably needs stitches.”

“No, it’ll heal,” Kyle says just above a whisper.

I wrap a towel around one of the ice packs and place it over a large red area on Kyle’s ribs. That’s definitely going to bruise; I just hope nothing is broken. He cringes when I place it there but doesn’t say anything.

Willow seems to have all of the cuts and scrapes covered with ointment and ice bags dispersed. He still looks terrible, but better than he did when we got here.

“Can you stay here with me for a few minutes, Willow?” Kyle asks.

I’m apprehensive leaving her alone with him. “Are you sure you don’t want a ride home now, Willow?” I ask in a persuasive tone.

“No, I don’t want to go home yet. I’m going to talk to Kyle. It’s okay.” She nods at Lane and me, and we reluctantly leave her with Kyle.

I have no clue what the hell they could possibly be talking about. More importantly, I can’t imagine what happened outside of the dance. Did Kyle make Willow cry? Is that why River wanted to kick his ass? There aren’t any answers that make sense.

That’s when I remember the note I found in her jeans—the one where someone professed his love to Willow when she was dating River. It’s been so long since I’ve thought about it. Especially since she came back home. I sort of dropped it at her return—my mind exhausted trying to put the pieces of that puzzle together. I wonder if I should show her the letter? Who knows if she would remember it and if it would upset her more? She remembers more and more lately, but not everything has come back yet. The doctors remind her friends and family to help her remain calm and remember things at her own pace. So no, I won’t be bringing up the note anytime soon.

“You still seem really frazzled, Kate. Let’s go relax in my room,” Lane says, putting his arm around me.

I lean into him. I want to go in his room and relax, but calming down doesn’t seem possible. What I should do is go home and crash. My emotions from the night have worn me out, but I can’t leave Willow. I’m going to wait for her, and when she wants to leave, I’ll go. “Okay, for a few minutes.”

Once we’re in his room, Lane takes his shirt and tie off. Then he takes his pants off and slides on a pair of navy-blue athletic shorts. His body is beautiful—his muscles aren’t long and lean like Rivers, but they are cut and defined. I stare at him from his bed as I take my heels off.

He looks at me and smirks. “I had to get out of that suit. Do you want a T-shirt and shorts?”

“No, I’m fine. Just taking the heels off is already improving my mood.” I sort of did want to change, but being this close to him and taking my clothes off would only lead to one thing.

The way Lane looked at me all night and the way we were dancing, it’s clear he wants me. Man, I wish I could want him the same way. Tonight is not the night to get myself into a situation that could lead to sex anyway. My feelings are all over the place, and what I truly crave is comfort. No doubt, Lane would provide it. I’m just not ready to move in that direction. My head wants to move forward with him. It’s my heart that’s holding me back. Not to mention that once I go there with Lane, and things don’t proceed further, I would only hurt him. I have to figure out my true feelings before our physical relationship moves forward.

Lane sits next to me on the side of his bed, soft brown eyes gazing warmly into mine. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t have to. Acceptance, desire, and trust. It’s all there in a single glance. Affection for him blooms in me, and I give him small grin in return. It isn’t much, but it’s all I can muster.

He grabs my left foot and starts massaging.

I’m in heaven. It feels amazing. I close my eyes, lean back on outstretched arms, and lay my head back. He increases the pressure on the arch, and I sigh in relief.

“That’s what I want to see,” Lane says.

“What?” I open one eye slightly and glance at him.

“I want to see you relaxed and happy.” He grins and his face lights up.

“Thank you.” It doesn’t seem like enough, but it’s all I have. This man is amazing. In a perfect world, I’d fall for him right now and give him what he deserves—all of me. One tear slides down my cheek.

Lane wipes it away. “You’re welcome.” He leans in and kisses me.

It’s sweet but engaging. I reach for his hair and pull him to me. Though mumbled, I distantly hear the sound of Willow and Kyle in an argument. At least that’s what I think it is. I pull back and look at Lane. “What do you think is going on?”

He shakes his head slightly and looks in the direction of the hallway. “I don’t know.”

I move to the door and lean my ear against it.

“No, you’re wrong,” Kyle says rather loudly. He doesn’t sound pissed off, just adamant.

“I’m not wrong. No one would understand.” Willow, on the other hand, sounds angry.

“You should tell them. I’m done,” exclaims Kyle.

“Stop it, Kyle. You promised me!”

An earsplitting slam comes from Kyle’s room.

I open Lane’s bedroom door as Willow runs down the hall toward the kitchen.

“Willow, what’s going on?” I call out after her.

“I have to get home now. Can Lane drive me?” she asks with a tear-streaked face.

Lane comes out of his room behind me. “Yeah, I can drive you home. Let me put some clothes on.”

Once Lane returns to his room, I look Willow in the eye. “What were you two arguing about?”

“It’s nothing I can’t talk about right now, okay? I just want to leave.” She looks back toward Kyle’s bedroom door.

“That’s fine, but you can talk to me about it. You can talk to me about anything. You remember that, right?” I reach for her shoulder and give it a squeeze.

Willow starts to cry and turns to hug me. “Yes, Katie, I remember.” Her hand comes up and smoothes down my hair and then it lands on my back. She squeezes me. “If I remember nothing else, it’s that you are the best friend a girl could ask for. It’s why I know when I say I don’t want to talk about it right now, you’ll accept it and be here when I’m ready.”

I pull back, sad and deflated, and say, “You know it.”

Lane comes out with a sweatshirt and track pants on. “Are you ladies ready?”

“Yes, we are. Thanks, Lane,” Willow says.

We pile into Lane’s car for a very silent ride home, which is okay with me. It’s been a long and exhausting day. I resolve to sleep on things and get some answers in the morning. There is a strange dynamic between Kyle and Willow, and I can’t quite figure it out. I also need to find out why the hell River was kicking Kyle’s ass.

We drop Willow off at her house, and then Lane brings me to mine.

“I’m sorry for Kyle’s behavior tonight.”

Why does he think he has to apologize for him? “The entire night’s been messed up. I’m sorry if I ruined it for you.”

He looks at me, searching with his eyes for answers he knows I won’t give him. “You didn’t ruin my night. I always enjoy spending time with you.” His finger caresses my cheek. “You know I’m here for you?”

I nod my head, grateful for his companionship and comfort. I’ve been dragging around such a heavy burden, and he’s lightened it. “Yes, thank you.” I give him a kiss. “Good night.”

Chapter 9

Christmas Eve upon me, I still have no answers to the questions I asked myself daily over the past couple of weeks. Why is Willow ignoring my texts?

As I finish up my dinner shift at the restaurant, I’m startled and excited to see a text from River, and more excited to see him leaning against his truck as I pull into my driveway.

He’s wearing a gray winter hat and jeans with his dark blue winter jacket. His eyes shine when they look at me.

I walk up to him, trying to contain my smile. “Hi.”

“Hey.” He takes me in, all the way from my hair pulled up in a bun to my dirty work sneakers.

“Do you want to come inside?”

His eyes look toward my house and back to me. “I don’t think I should.”

“I thought you wanted to talk. It’s freezing out here.” I rub my hands together. I want him to come inside with me, clear the air.

“This shouldn’t take long.” His expression is troubled, burdened. His tone is clipped and short, and he leans away from me.

I shiver, and not just because of the temperature. River’s attitude toward me is icy. I didn’t think I’d see his cold demeanor again. He treated me this way before we talked, after Willow went missing. “You want to talk out here?”

His eyes sear through me. “If that’s okay with you.”

“Sure, if that’s what you want.”

“Yes.” He takes a deep breath, and cool wisps flow out of his mouth. “I’m here because I thought it only fair to tell you what I’m going to do.”

He looks so serious that I start to worry what he’s going to tell me. “Okay.” My tone seems to go up two octaves.

“First of all, I was very drunk at the holiday party. I apologize if my actions upset you. I want you to know, though, I remember everything you said, everything about you and Lane. If things are serious between the two of you, then I…” He looks up toward the clear starlit sky. “Kate, I can’t honestly say I’m happy for you…not right now. Maybe someday I will be, but it’s too soon. Anyway, I’m going to leave you alone now.”

I look down at the ground and will myself not to cry. He remembers the lie I told him at the party, and I’m so ashamed. “Thank you for respecting my wishes.”

“I’ll always respect your wishes.” He shoves his hands in his pockets. “But that’s not the only reason I asked to see you. I wanted to tell you I’m breaking things off with Willow.”

“What, why?” My jaw slacks. I’m at a complete loss for words. How could he mess up the plan?

“I’m a big boy. I know exactly what I want. Unfortunately, she doesn’t want me back.” His sad eyes shift to the ground. “I’m done pretending. It’s exhausting.”

Don’t I know it? “You can’t,” I whisper.

“Yes, I can. I’m not letting you control my choices anymore.” He gives me a heartbreaking look. “It’s clear Willow doesn’t want me, and frankly, I don’t want her. I’ll be her friend. I just won’t pretend anymore.”

How can I ask him to continue this charade? Especially if he thinks Willow doesn’t want him. Could it be true? She never told me she wasn’t interested in him. In fact, I thought she wanted him to show her how much he was into her. But after River and Kyle’s fight, she didn’t follow River home, her boyfriend. She instead wanted to make sure Kyle was okay. Maybe things have changed.

“Oh,” I mumble.

“I thought I understood why you asked me to do this. Then I reflected on it after the party. I can’t help but question if you did ever love me. If you truly did, then you would know me well enough to realize I can’t do this.” He looks at me with such hurt in his eyes. He pinches the bridge of his nose, closes his eyes, and sighs.

I shake my head, unsure of what to say. I did love him. No, I do love him. How could he question that? I was doing what I thought was right by Willow, my beloved best friend. Hurt and desperation wash over me.

“I’m sorry you think I never loved you,” I say through the lump forming in my throat. The desire to touch him, to comfort him, is almost too much to bear. I step in closer and go to fold my arms over his shoulders, but he steps away from me.

“No. Please don’t touch me. I can’t.” He sighs deeply. “I have one last request. You asked me to leave you alone. Now I need you to do the same.”

The dam breaks and cold tears flow freely down my cheeks. I look up at him, staring at his beautiful features, his solid jawline, his soft, perfect lips. How am I ever going to be able to leave him alone? “You don’t want to see me anymore?”

“Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? Of course I want to see you. But I’m not capable of being near you without wanting to be with you, to touch you.” His eyes shift away from mine, closing me out. “It’s not healthy for us to go on like it was. You’re with Lane now; you moved on. I have to accept it. In order for me to move on too, I have to have some distance between us.”

The thought of him moving on with someone else cuts me like a blade through the heart. What did I expect? It’s what I asked him to do. Now, I want to grab him and shake him and ask him why he can’t see the truth in my eyes. Why can’t he see that I was full of shit when I told him I was intimate with Lane? It baffles me he can’t tell how much I still love and want him.

“Will you ever be able to be my friend again?” I sob, not entirely sure he can even understand me. I’m grasping at straws, but I can’t stomach the thought of never talking to him again.

“Jesus, Kate, come here.” He caves, bringing me into his arms.

I clutch at his jacket and breath him in, loving the way his scent calms me. Eventually my breathing starts to slow down, and the heat radiating off River warms my body. He doesn’t pull back; neither do I. I’m not sure how long we stand outside my house hugging, but it feels so final. Him coming over to request I leave him alone, he has to be serious. If he wasn’t, he would’ve just texted me.

Eventually River pulls away, wipes my face free of tears, and sighs. “I know this is hard, but I need some time. Please respect me and give me that.”

I nod. “Okay.”

River shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down toward the ground. “Have a merry Christmas.” He leans down and kisses my cheek, then turns and walks away from me.

Time stands still as I stand numbly watching his car pull away. I miss him already. How did we get here? It was all me, and I can acknowledge that, but what can I do about this mess now? He’s going to break Willow’s heart, and I’ll be there for her to pick up the pieces and help her move on. Who’s going to be there for me?

***

Christmas is usually one of my favorite days of the year. This year I have a hard time fighting my sadness.

“Okay, sis. What’s been going on with you?” Stella clutches her mug of hot chocolate and sprawls her legs out on the couch, leaving me the smallest space at the end of it.

I’d place my feet on the floor, but the wrapping discards from the presents are scattered like litter everywhere. “What do you mean?” I know I’m being coy, but today doesn’t seem like a good day to be talking about it.

“You know what I mean. You’re miserable. You’ve got to be blind not to notice it.”

I shrug. “There’s been so much going on lately. I’m just exhausted.” I glance to the kitchen where Mom dances around the island, throwing garnishes on top the turkey. I can hardly wait until the Christmas meal is ready.

“I can tell there’s a lot going on with you. Why don’t you tell me and get it off your chest?” she asks in her most calming tone.

That’s why I’m so lucky. My sister has always been here for me, no matter what’s going on. I nod and start spilling. “You know my plan to get Willow and River back together and keep my friendship with her intact?”

“Oh, yeah. That really dumb plan where you dump the best boyfriend you’ve ever had—the one that desperately loves and wants you—just so you can be a martyr for your best friend. How could I forget that plan?” She rolls her eyes as she sits up and loosens the knotted bun she has on the top of her head and pulls her brown locks back into a ponytail.

I laugh through the tears threatening to fall. “You know why I did what I did. Don’t act like we haven’t had this conversation over and over.” Stella pleaded with me so many times to not break things off with River when we found out Willow was coming home.

“Yes, I’m sorry. I know about your master plan. What about it?” She blows across the top of her mug.

“It seems to be backfiring.” I sigh as my stomach knots up.

“I could’ve told you th—” She looks over her shoulder toward the kitchen and back at me. “I mean, why? What’s going on?”

I’m thankful she isn’t going to rub it in and say I told you so. “Well, River’s going to break up with Willow. He also said he didn’t think she was all that into him.”

“Does it surprise you he’s breaking it off with her? I mean, he told you from the get-go he wanted nothing to do with getting back together with her. I have no idea what you said or did to get him to agree with your plan, but it must’ve been good.”

I lift my hands up and let them fall. “That’s irrelevant now. He’s done and there’s nothing I can do about it.” Sadness and disappointment wash over me.

“For a smart girl, you sure are dumb when it comes to men.” She laughs and shakes her head.

“What the hell?”

“He loves you. You love him. Go and be with him. It’s that easy.” She grasps my shoulder and gives it a squeeze.

“No, actually it isn’t. I’m still sort of with Lane, and River just broke up with Willow, so there’s no way I’m going to go running to River and throw it in her face. It’s against girl code.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.

“Okay, okay. You don’t have to go to River and be his girlfriend right away, but start spending time with him again. When you guys were together, you were the happiest I’ve ever seen you,” Stella says, giving me a sincere smile.

“I’d like nothing more than to spend time with River. He just doesn’t want to see me. He said he needs time and space away from me, to get over me.” My throat tightens on the words.

“I can’t blame the guy.” Stella takes a big sip of her cocoa.

“Thanks a lot,” I say as I throw a couch pillow at her.

She ducks her head just before the pillow hits her or her mug. “I’m not trying to upset you, okay? I just know River still has the hots for you, and you’re prancing around town with Lane. The guy is jealous and wants to get over you.”

God, why does she always have to be right? Shit. “I guess. I just hate it.”

“Do something about it,” she says with such nonchalance I want to smack her.

“What do you suggest?” I gaze at her with focused eyes.

“I think you need to break up with Lane and then go see River. Have a heart-to-heart with him.”

“Yes, what she said,” my mother calls out from the kitchen.

Ugh, they’re ganging up on me. “I wish it were that easy, guys.”

“It is easy. You’re the one making it so damn hard. Stop it,” Stella says, taking the last sip of her cocoa and placing the mug on the coffee table.

I sigh rather loudly and go to the kitchen to get myself a glass of warm red wine.

If only it were simple to break things off with Lane. He’s such an amazing guy who cares deeply for me. And I do care for him. Maybe if I give it a little more time, my feelings will develop for him. He would do anything for me and has made that abundantly clear. I wish I could love him the way he deserves to be loved. He deserves someone who feels the fire deep inside when they’re together—she should have butterflies in her belly when she sees him. That special girl should feel the same way about Lane as I do about River.

Why am I so damn hesitant to let him go?

The other problem is what happens if I go back to River and tell him I want to be with him again—no, I need to be with him again. There’s a good chance he may not even want to be with me after everything I’ve put him through. If he did still want me, we’d have to start fresh, and eventually, when enough time has passed, we’d have to tell Willow. What would that do to her? I don’t even want to think what it would do to our friendship. My hands start shaking just thinking about it.

What a mess.

It’s Christmas Day, and I don’t want to spend it being upset over my situation. I end all conversations about Lane, River, and Willow for the moment. I’ll have plenty of time to dwell on all this tomorrow.

My last task before I open my bottle of wine is to text everyone a merry Christmas, except River. I know he wants space, so I’m going to give it to him.

I pour three glasses of wine, and my mother, sister, and I sit on the couch and start watching Christmas Vacation. It’s a holiday tradition for us and exactly what I need to improve my mood. How can you not laugh at the antics of Clark Griswold and Cousin Eddie?

***

“No, that shirt is ugly,” I frown, looking at Stella dressed in a horrible floral-print button-up blouse.

“It’s so cheap, though.” She spins around, checking herself out from the back in the full-length mirror of the dressing room.

“Just because it’s cheap, doesn’t mean you should buy it.” My tone oozes with disgust.

It’s tradition for Stella and me to go out the day after Christmas and shop at our favorite boutique stores. Most everything is 50 percent off, so the best day to get a deal.

“Ugh, fine. I won’t get it then,” Stella says in mock irritation.

Mumbled voices from outside the cramped space call to me. “Shh, do you hear that? I think I hear Willow’s voice,” I whisper.

Stella puts her ear near the dressing room door. “Yeah, I think it’s her. But why do we have to whisper?”

“I don’t know if she knows I know about River breaking up with her.” I haven’t figured out how I’m going to approach her yet. Maybe she’ll tell me, and I won’t have to ask. Besides, how would I know if River didn’t tell me?

Laughter comes from right outside our dressing room. “She doesn’t sound upset at all, does she?”

I open the door and walk out to see Willow and Karli coming toward the dressing rooms, each with several pieces of clothing in hand. “Hey,” I say, going in to give Willow a hug. “Merry Christmas.”

She pulls back from the hug, looking far cheerier than I think she should after going through a breakup. “Merry Christmas.”

I give Karli a quick hug. “Did you have a good Christmas?”

Her brown eyes brighten, and in the store lights, you can see the different flecks and tones of dark golden with hints of green and honey. She’s definitely a gorgeous girl. “I did. Thanks for asking.”

“What are you ladies up to today?” I ask.

“Just thought we would do a little shopping.” Willow lifts up her arms showing me her pieces. “I love a good deal.”

“I know, right? Which dressing room are you going in?” I ask, fully intending to follow and talk to her. Time with Willow has been hard to come by. If I have to corner her, I will.

She points toward the large dressing room at the end of the hall. “That one’s free.”

“Okay, great. Karli, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to steal Wills for a few minutes.”

She just nods and walks into the room next to Stella’s.

Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “You and Karli seem really close now.”

“Yeah, we are. She’s fun,” Willow says as she pulls her sweater off and begins to put on a green top that would’ve looked amazing with her long red hair. It’s growing in, but it’s still only past her ears and brown. I don’t ask her if she’s ever going to grow it back. It just doesn’t seem like an appropriate question. I never want to upset her and bring things up about her disappearance unless she talks about them first.

“Oh, that’s great. I’m glad it makes you happy to hang out with her. I miss you though.” I’m upset she didn’t call and invite me to go shopping with her and Karli too. My attempt at not coming off jealous is definitely not working. I sound needy and envious.

She turns to look at me. “I’m sorry if you feel excluded. I promise I’ll do better about hanging out with you too, okay?”

I perk up smiling at her comment. “Okay, that sounds great. I’d love to hang out with just you or in a group with Karli. It doesn’t matter as long as I get to spend time with you. Plus, it’d be fun to get to know Karli a little better too.” And I genuinely mean it. I don’t know much about her, and if Willow likes her, she has to be a good person.

“Yeah, I think you’d really like her. It’s funny how much I remember when I hang out with her,” she says, trying on a wide-knit gray cardigan.

Wait, what did she say? I don’t understand how there is any way that time with Karli could trigger her memories. “Oh, really. That’s sort of a surprise.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I just don’t remember you hanging out with her much is all,” I say, trying to keep an even tone.

“Oh yeah, we hung out at summer camp one year when we were younger. You didn’t go that year. Oh, and that religious retreat my dad made me go to senior year.”

Summer camp and retreat memories are one thing, but how is she helping her with more current memories? “Hmm, okay. I guess I forgot about that.”

“It was a great summer. Anyway, for some reason she’s helping me.” She shrugs.

As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I’m hurt by Willow’s admission. If she gave me more time, I’m sure I could jog her memories too. I’m going to have to be more proactive. I’ll call and text her more and be sure we get together. I won’t lose my best friend when I just got her back and have sacrificed so much for her. “That’s great. You seem happy.”

“I am.” Her smile reflects in the mirror. “Do you want to go for an overnight with Karli and I? We’re going to the Luna Day Spa next weekend before Karli has to go back to college. It’ll be fun. We can get massages and facials and hang out in the outdoor hot tub.” Her eyes beam.

Memories rush in of the wonderful time I spent at the Luna Day Spa with River just a short time ago. How he extended the time we got to spend in the massage room and we made love in there. A warm flush heats my cheeks, and I look down at the ground. “Sure, sounds great. Let me check my work schedule. I’m sure I can make it happen.” Having a girl’s spa day sounds exactly like what I need.

“Yay. I’m excited,” Willow almost squeals.

Since River is now in the forefront of my mind, I have to ask her about him. That she hasn’t mentioned the breakup and seems gloriously happy is not how I would feel after my boyfriend broke up with me. “How are things with River?”

As she pulls on a pair of beige leggings, she says flatly, “Well, not great right now.”

“Oh really? What happened?” I surprise myself at how well I can play dumb.

“He wants to take a break,” she says without an ounce of pain in her voice.

She seems to be totally fine. What the hell? When she and Kyle Powers broke up, you would’ve thought the world was coming to an end. But with River, she doesn’t even seem fazed.

“I’m sorry. Are you okay?” I rub the side of her arm.

“I’m sad, but I can’t dwell on it. He still wants to be my friend, and I think it’s a good idea. I’m not sure I’m a great girlfriend right now. I’m still dealing with so much shit.”

My heart skips a beat, and for a moment, I’m giddy. I keep it all inside and say, “Completely understandable. If you’re good with it and so is he, I guess it’s for the best.” I honestly can’t believe how well she’s taking this.

“Yeah, I think it is,” Willow says, checking out her ass in the mirror. “Do these leggings make my butt look big?”

I guess that’s that. I’m not going to harp on the River topic if she’s okay with it. “Hell no, your butt looks amazing. You have to buy them.”

She smirks at me.

“I want to ask what the hell was going on at the holiday party with you and Kyle?”

She hesitates for several moments, then sighs and says, “He admitted to me he still likes me and wants to get back together. He was pissed because I rejected him.”

“That was all that was going on?”

“Yup.” She shrugs. “End of story.”

“It seemed so intense that night.” Visions of River kicking the shit out of Kyle come rushing back.

“There was alcohol involved, you know how things can get.” That is such bullshit. She’s hiding something, but I can’t imagine what it is. “I guess. It was crazy how River beat up Kyle. It’s not like him to get in fights.”

“Yeah, I’m glad we can all put that night behind us,” she says dismissively.

Since I have her cornered in the dressing room, I reach in my bag and pull out the note I found when she was missing. I’m tired of waiting for answers. “Hey, I found this in a pair of jeans I borrowed from you.” I hand her the tattered note, knowing by heart what’s written:

Baby, can’t wait to be with you again. I’m so happy we aren’t strangers anymore. I’ve missed everything about you. Your laugh, your smile, and the way you look at me. I need you. I want to love you. Yours, K.

As she reads it, her face pales. She turns it over and over again in her hands. “Where did you find this?” she asks in a quiet voice. Her expression is one of recognition, not confusion.

“In a pair of your old jeans, in the pocket.”

“Nobody was supposed to see this.” She throws the note down next to our purses in a huff.

“It was an accident, but I did see it. I can’t unsee it. Please tell me who wrote it.”

She’s staring off into space, but I won’t take my eyes off her. When she does look at me, her eyes glaze and she doesn’t say a word.

“Was it Kyle?” I ask.

She looks around the dressing room and then up at the ceiling as if looking for answers. “It’s not important now.” She takes off her leggings like they’re on fire and chucks them on the floor.

I stand up and put my hand on my hip. “I found this note while you were gone, and it’s been driving me crazy since I found it.”

“I’m sorry my personal note was so upsetting to you,” she says with an edge to her voice.

“Listen, Willow, I don’t want to upset you. I’m just confused. You see, before you went missing, we were best friends. You know, like hang out together all the time and tell each other everything friends. How were you with someone else last year when you were with River and I all the time?” I give an impatient huff. I’m done with all the secrets; I need her to give me something.

That seemed to shake her. She blinks rapidly and looks at the ground. “Yes, it was Kyle.”

“What the hell? You were seeing Kyle while you were dating River?” I must look like a fool pacing back and forth in the small changing room. My jaw stiffens and I begin grinding my teeth. How could she do this to him? He was such a good boyfriend to her. What was she thinking?

“I can’t give you details, but I do remember the note. When you handed it to me and I saw the handwriting, the memory came over me so quickly. It was a little freaky.” She puts her jeans back on and sits next to me. “Will you please keep this between us? There’s no point in telling River, especially now since we aren’t together anymore. I can’t remember what the hell happened. I wouldn’t even be able to give him details. It’s water under the bridge, and I don’t want him to be hurt by it now.”

I could tell she was visibly shaken when reading the note. Her hands were shaking as she turned the paper over and over. This doesn’t excuse the fact that she cheated on River. The conversation isn’t over, but Willow’s face is red, and she’s hastily putting clothes back on their hangers.

“I need to get out of this dressing room. I’m not in a shopping mood anymore.”

“I’m sorry, Willow. I never meant to upset you. I was only trying to talk to you; it seems like it’s been a while.”

She pats my shoulder. “We’ll have plenty of time to talk on our spa trip.” That seemed to bring some of the color back to her cheeks.

She moves to the door first as I grab the note quickly and place it in my purse.

As we exit the dressing room, we find Karli and Stella chatting near a rack of blazers.

“Hi, Stella.” Willow gives Stella a quick hug, and looks to her friend. “Hey, Karli, you ready to head out?”

Karli frowns. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just tired out. Sorry if I seem antisocial, Stella. We’ll all have to get together soon. How about the spa?” She gives my sister the details, but I already know she and Becks have big dinner and concert plans that night.

“Oh, I’d love to, but I’m going to be tied up with the ball and chain.”

Hoping that all will be well on our girls’ getaway, I leave the store optimistic about my friendship with Willow, but still confused about her relationship with Kyle.

Chapter 10

I fill Stella in on the conversation between Willow and me on our way to Lane’s house. He’s invited me over for dinner. Confused is an understatement when it comes to our relationship.

“I think she remembers exactly what was going on last year with Kyle. Did you see how pale she looked when she came out of the dressing room? It was like she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.” Stella raises her brows.

“Yeah, she didn’t take it well when I pulled out the note. She didn’t want anyone to see it.” I shudder internally as I imagine the look on her face when I showed her what I’d found.

“I know she’s your bestie and all, but sometimes I get the sense that this memory-loss thing is just an act.”

“What? No way. Why would she lie about it?” I say, picking my chin up off my lap. Willow has memory loss. It doesn’t make sense for her to lie about it.

“Okay, okay. I’m just stating my opinion. Don’t get mad.”

“I’m not mad. I just think you’re wrong. Let’s drop it.” I sigh and lay my head back on the seat. “What did Karli have to say?”

“Nothing really. She seemed happy she and Wills are hanging out again.”

I frown. “Oh yeah. They’re together all the time now. It’s kind of annoying.” I roll my eyes.

“Don’t be jealous. Willow isn’t replacing you. Plus, Karli goes back to Weston before long anyway. She won’t be stealing all your girl time soon,” Stella says, turning onto Lane’s street.

“That’s true. I’m trying not to be envious. It’s just hard. As long as Willow is happy and getting her memory back, I should be happy for her.” Easier said than done.

“What’s your plan with Lane?” she asks, pulling into his driveway.

“I don’t have a plan. I’m going to wing it. Take it day by day.” That’s the only way I know how to handle my relationship with him. Selfishly, I’m not ready to end it yet. I need his comfort more now than ever.

“Can I give you some advice?”

I shrug. “Sure.”

“If you find you’re spending more time thinking of River while you’re with Lane, then consider breaking things off.” She gives me a small smile.

“You know, that sounds like excellent guidance. I’ll take it into consideration.” I grasp the door handle and turn to leave.

“One more thing.” Stella tugs on my jacket as I try to get out. “You should wait to sleep with him. Be sure you love him and don’t want to be with River anymore. If you jump into bed with him, you’ll just complicate things.”

I sigh. “Another gem. Thanks for being my conscience, Stella.” I lean in and hug her, then get out of the car.

I inhale deeply when I walk into Lane’s house. It smells of fresh bread, garlic, and tomato sauce. He’s really out done himself. “It smells great in here.”

Lane smiles at me and takes my coat, hanging it on a hook by the door. “I hope it tastes as good as it smells. I’ve been cooking all afternoon.” He puts his hand on the small of my back and kisses my cheek sweetly. “Sit down at the table.”

He’s set the kitchen table with two place settings, and there are a dozen roses as the centerpiece. “The flowers are beautiful.” I lean over them to enjoy their fresh aroma.

“They’re for you to take home. For Christmas.” He goes to the stovetop and stirs the sauce.

“Awe, thank you.” I immediately feel guilty because I only got Lane a card. We promised we wouldn’t get each other anything.

“You’re so welcome. Now come grab a plate.”

I serve myself some spaghetti and sauce simmering with meatballs. “This looks good. You’re spoiling me, Lane.”

“You deserve it. You’ve been through a lot lately. I wanted to do something nice for you.”

“Aww, isn’t this sweet?” Kyle says in a mocking tone as he walks toward the kitchen putting on his jacket. His face is still swollen, and a small bandage covers the cut over his right eye. “Don’t worry. I won’t ruin your dinner, Lane. I’m leaving.”

Lane flips Kyle off. “Good, get out of here then. I’m getting the wine out of the basement. You better be gone when I get back.” He opens the door at the head of the hallway by the kitchen entry and disappears down the stairs.

“Will do.” Kyle heads toward the door.

I decide this might be my last chance to talk to Kyle alone. I look to be sure Lane is out of ear range and say, “Kyle, I need to ask you something.”

“What?” He looks me up and down, giving me chills up the back of my neck.

“Did you write this note to Willow?” I reach in my bag and hand it to him.

He reads it and quickly hands it back to me. “No.”

“Are you sure you didn’t write it to her last year around this time?”

“I told you, no. This isn’t my hand writing, and more importantly, I’d never write shit like this. Not my style.” His eyes look right into mine, and he doesn’t even flinch.

He’s telling the truth. What the fuck? “Okay, please don’t mention the note to anyone. I don’t want to upset Willow.”

“Who would I tell? I have to go or my brother might kick my ass, and my body can’t take another beating.” He points toward the direction of the basement. “He wants me gone, and I don’t want to be here for your little dinner.” He pulls his gloves on and leaves seconds before Lane returns with the wine.

Lane has outdone himself with the meal. The bread is homemade and warm, and it melts in my mouth. The meatballs remind me of my mother’s. I’m completely impressed. Lane serves a Cabernet with the pasta, and into my second glass, I enjoy the warmth spreading through me. I welcome the haze it brings as it seems to stop the thoughts of the damn note and the fact that now I have no clue what guy wrote it.

“Did you get any Boxing Day deals?” Lane asks, while pouring more wine in my glass.

“You know what, I didn’t buy a thing.” I laugh. “I saw Willow and Karli Parker out today, and we ended up planning a spa trip. I thought it best to save my money for that.”

“Sounds like fun. I didn’t realize you were friends with my cousin.”

My hand flies to my chest. “Karli is your cousin?”

“Yeah. My mom and her mother are sisters.”

“Huh, you learn something new every day.” I swirl my wine glass, admiring the dark hue of the liquid and the legs it makes down the glass.

“My mother and aunt both went to Weston. That’s why both Kyle and Karli go there. They barely had to apply with the alumni connection.” Lane picks up the dishes from the table.

I stand to help him and notice a slight tingle on the bottoms of my feet. I better slow down on the wine before I get drunk.

I don’t know much about Weston University, other than it’s private and expensive. “Well, I am just getting to know Karli. She seems great.”

“She’s really fun. I’m sure you’ll see once you hang out with her.”

I hope he’s right, especially since Willow has taken such a liking to her.

With the dishes washed, I study Lane. His pupils are dilated with desire. Slowly, he reaches for my hand, pulling me softly toward his room. Flutters of anticipation pool in my belly. All I can think of is Stella telling me to not let things go too far.

Lane puts his warm hand over my eyes. “No peeking.”

Hmm, what does he have up his sleeve?

Lane leads me to his bed and has me sit down. I hear him pad across the room and come back to where I’m seated.

“What are you up to, Mr. Powers?” I ask in a sweet curious tone.

“You’ll see…Now open your eyes.”

I slowly open them, not knowing what to expect. There sitting on my lap is a small box wrapped in pink paper with a pretty white bow on top. What did he do? At first, excitement flows through me at seeing such a pretty box. But it soon changes into guilt. I should’ve thought to get him something. Yes, we did say we weren’t going to buy each other anything; I should have known sweetheart Lane would never let Christmas go by without doing something. Suddenly the card I got for him seems small and insignificant.

This box must hold some type of jewelry. “Lane, I can’t accept this. It’s too—”

“No way, you’re going to accept it,” Lane says, moving to sit next to me. “It’s not much, but I wanted to do something for you.”

I sigh in mock resignation, gaze into his warm chocolate eyes, and smile. I slowly rip the paper off the box, careful not to mess up the bow. Once the box is free, I open it with shaky hands. Inside lay a gorgeous, lowercase silver K pendant set on a silver chain. I cover my mouth and look up at Lane once again. “Lane, it’s beautiful. Thank you so much. You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I’m glad you like it.” He takes the necklace out of the box.

I lift my hair and turn my head allowing him to put it on me, then stare down at the cool metal on my neck. It feels heavy, like the weight of guilt sitting on my chest. I shouldn’t accept the gift. What will I give him in return that will equal all he’s given me?

A tear threatens to escape my eye. I wipe away at it quickly and lean into Lane. I raise my chin up to glance at him and move in closer for a kiss. There is urgency in the kiss that I haven’t felt coming from him before. I’m giving it back in equal measure, mouths open, tongues colliding.

I have to give Lane something. He’s given me so much. I owe him something.

I pull away but only for as long as it takes me to get my shirt off over my head. A cool breeze hits my skin, and I move closer to Lane, hoping the nearness will stop the chill moving through me.

His warm hands are on my skin, moving up my arms to my shoulders and to my back. He deftly loosens my bra clasp and gently eases the straps off. Once exposed, my nipples harden and my eyes move up to see desire deep in Lane’s gaze. His hands come to my breasts, and he rubs his thumbs over my nipples. At first his touch is tentative, uncertain. I lean in to kiss him and show him how good it feels. He kisses down my neck and lower to my nipple. Once he takes it into his mouth and licks it, I moan in pleasure and arch closer to him. He gives my other breast equal treatment, and I shiver inadvertently.

“You’re cold. Here, lie down.” He stands and turns his covers down, motioning for me to get underneath. I rise and unbutton my jeans, keeping my gaze glued to his eyes the entire time. His breath hitches as he watches me strip for him. I lie down under the blankets and motion for him to join me. The room does a slight spin, and I inwardly wish I hadn’t had that last glass of wine.

Lane removes his shirt, and I admire his strong chest and arms. He takes his pants off, and all that’s left are his black boxer briefs. He doesn’t remove those, most likely in response to me leaving on my white lace thong. He lies down next to me and pulls the blankets up over us. The warmth I was hoping to feel doesn’t come.

Lane pulls me in close and kisses me again. Just his erection presses against me. He really wants me. Do I want him? He reaches around, grabs my ass, and squeezes it gently.

He sighs and says, “I love touching you, Kate.” His breath is warm on my face and smells of red wine.

I don’t know what to do or say. This isn’t coming naturally for me not like it did with River. What would I do if this were River lying next to me? Stop this, Kate. You can’t do this to Lane. He deserves my undivided attention.

I reach my hands down his warm, hard abdomen and pull the elastic of his briefs down to expose the last of his covered flesh. I grasp his hardness, gently at first. His eyes stare into mine, and a moan escapes his throat. I increase the pressure as I move up and down his length.

Lane’s eyes close and he says, “Kate, you’re going to make me go. I don’t want to yet.” He puts his hand over mine and brings it up to his mouth to kiss it. He brings his hand down between my legs and pulls my underwear off, his eyes burning into mine so full of longing.

His fingers skillfully start working my sensitive center. I close my eyes, willing my body to feel this, to want this. The familiar sensations that normally come to me are sorrowfully absent. I shift my hips and grind into his hand, grasping at straws that aren’t there. Stella’s voice rings in my ears. “Don’t jump into bed with him, you’ll just complicate things more.” I open my eyes to see concern in Lane’s features.

“Kate, is everything okay?”

“Yes, I want you.” The lie comes too easy.

“You aren’t even wet. Am I doing this wrong?”

“No, it’s fine.” I shift my body underneath his. “Have sex with me.” My voice comes out just above a whisper. Lane smells good. He looks good. Why can’t this feel good?

“Look at me.”

I didn’t even realize I wasn’t. I slowly shift my eyes up to his. “Don’t you want me?” I ask.

“You have no idea how much I want you. I don’t think you’re ready to be with me.” He moves his body so he’s lying next to me.

“Why do you think that, Lane?” I must have been doing a terrible job convincing him I wanted him.

“I know you, Kate.” He moves some hair that’s on my face with his fingertips. “I can tell you aren’t feeling this tonight.”

“No, you’re wrong. It’ll be fine.” I try reaching down to touch him, but he stops me. I feel my cheeks blaze.

“I don’t want our first time to be fine. I want to rock your world.” A small smile plays on his face.

I force a grin back at him even though I’m still embarrassed. “Maybe I had just a little too much wine.”

“Yeah, that could be it.”

I’m close to tears with disappointment in myself. I try blinking, but that doesn’t seem to work, and a tear falls down my cheek.

“Hey, why are you crying?” Lane wipes the tear away with his thumb.

“I don’t know why. I think it’s because I wanted to have sex with you tonight.”

“There is no way in hell you can feel rejected. I told you how much I want you. In fact, there isn’t much I want more than to make love to you, but I need it to feel right…for both of us.”

I cover my face with my hands, and he pulls me close to him. He’s so good to me. As much as I wanted to give this to him tonight, it wasn’t something I actually wanted for myself. He sensed it and backed off. If it were another guy, he would have seized the moment just to get it in. Not Lane, he’s such a gentleman. “Thank you.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He kisses the top of my forehead. “Do you want to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie?”

Chapter 11

TKE New Year’s Eve parties have been fun in the past. Stella promised me it wouldn’t disappoint tonight. We got dressed up, and I’m hoping it’ll be a great night with my sister.

As I wash my hands in one of the larger bathrooms of the frat house, my eye is drawn to the necklace Lane got for me. A wave of guilt courses through me. I probably should give it back to him, but I know it’s a fight I won’t win. It’s a relief he isn’t here tonight. He and his family left town to visit relatives for a few days. I’m hoping the time away will give me some much-needed clarity. I have to figure out if this relationship is going to work out with him or not, but not tonight. Stella insisted it’s only about fun tonight.

“Did you get in touch with Willow?” Stella asks while checking her hair in the bathroom mirror. Her light brown hair is in a tight and high ponytail making her look older and sophisticated.

“Yeah, I texted her and she said she would meet us here soon.” I’m happy that my best friend and I are making a real effort to hang out again.

“Great. Tonight’s going to be fun.” She applies her lipstick and takes one last glance at herself in the mirror. She looks hot in her black miniskirt, silver tank, and black blazer.

“I think so too.” I spin around and take one last look at my dress, making sure it isn’t riding up too high in the back.

“You look amazing. That black dress makes your ass look edible.”

I laugh as we make our way back out to the kitchen where all the drinks are. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice River standing against the island with a few of his football buddies. “Shit, he’s here,” I say in a tight whisper.

“Who?” Stella turns and sees exactly who I’m talking about. “Oh, will you please avoid him tonight? We don’t need any drama. Just fun girl time, okay?”

“Of course. I don’t want any drama either.” I exhale noisily. “Let’s go have a shot.”

We find a spot at the overcrowded counter and ask Colin to pour us two lemon drops. He really has the best parties and only asks everyone to chip in ten bucks for all you can eat and drink.

“Cheers, to a fantastic new year,” Stella says before licking the sugar off her hand and clinking her glass with mine.

“Cheers.” I pour the clear liquid back and close my eyes, savoring the way my entire body warms in seconds. I don’t plan on getting drunk tonight, though. I’m hoping to have a stress-free, fun evening.

“Ahh, that was good. Want another?” Stella asks.

“Maybe one more.” We clink glasses again when I see Becks coming up to us.

“Ladies, aren’t we looking foxy tonight?” Becks says with a slight slur to his words. He grabs Stella around the waist and kisses the back of her neck.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were going to be here so early,” Stella says, turning around to give him a kiss.

“Our family dinner didn’t last as long as I thought it would,” Becks says.

“Woo-hoo, let the party start!” Stella announces to the entire kitchen.

I glance over to see River looking in our direction. I lock eyes with him. His big blues sear through me and setting my heart on fire. Just like that, any warmth I’m feeling gets extinguished when he looks away from me and toward a girl with a short blond bob. She puts her arms around him, and he smiles at her, returning the embrace. Jealousy rips through me. Who knows if there is anything going on between them or if they’re just friends, but I can’t help imagining them kissing and…

“Earth to Kate,” Stella says, snapping her fingers at me. “What do you want to drink?”

I pull my stare away from River. “I’ll have a Malibu and seven.”

Colin hands me my drink and Becks, Stella, and I go to the living room where everyone is dancing. I see Willow and Karli laughing and fast dancing as they sing the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song. I down half of my drink and go to dance with them. I’ve had just about enough of feeling like a third wheel with Stella and Becks. They try to make me feel included, but on occasion, envy rears its ugly head. I want what they have, and it’s difficult to ignore when it’s right there in your face. I would never want them to know how much I want to take few Zolofts when they get really affectionate around me. That’s why I’m going to dance now and leave them to their PDA.

“Hey, ladies,” I shout above the music to Willow and Karli.

My best friend’s lips curl into my favorite smile, and she leans in to hug me.

“How are you feeling tonight, Katie?” Willow asks.

“Better now that you guys are here. Can’t wait for some girl time.”

“That’s right,” Karli says while she grabs my hand and raises it up over my head, twirling me around in a circle.

We laugh and dance and sing at the top of our lungs. A few songs in and sweat drips down my brow. I need a drink. I grab a cold beer and down several sips, happy it seems to be cooling me down.

Heat starts deep in my belly when I see River standing against the wall in the kitchen. His hair is all over the place, and he’s wearing a blue T-shirt, one that I love because it complements his eyes, making them somehow appear bluer. Will he ever stop having this effect on me? The one where I just want to walk up to him and run my hands through his hair and kiss his sexy mouth?

Without thinking, I make my way over to him. He’s alone, so I seize the opportunity. “Hi,” I say as my heartbeat quickens.

He’s looking at the floor, but slowly rakes his eyes up me, causing a tingle to move up my spine with such intensity. Why is he so sexy, even when he’s frowning?

“What do you need?” There’s frost in his tone.

“I…I just wanted to see how you were?”

“How I am?” he slurs slightly. “I’m fucking brilliant. Why do you care?” His eyes are icicles ready to pierce a hole in my heart.

“You know I care about you.”

He leans in close to me, never losing eye contact. His breath smells of beer. “It’s best if you don’t.”

“Well, that’s not going to happen. I can’t just turn off how I feel.” His distant attitude grinds my last nerve.

“You sure as hell act like you do.” He turns his body away from me.

I change my position so he has to look at me. “No. Don’t you remember you were the one who said you wanted me to keep my distance?” My voice gets louder than I mean it to. I know he wants distance, but when it comes to River, I can’t help myself.

Looking up at the ceiling, he runs his hand through his hair. “Kate, you don’t want me. I can’t do anything about it. I told you I wanted space.” He points his beer bottle between the two of us and raises his voice. “This right here is most definitely not space!”

“I know.” I fold my arms across my chest and look up into his face, trying to keep my temper in check.

“If you know, why are you standing here in front of me? Do you want to torture me?” He’s yelling at this point.

I turn to see if anyone is looking at us. I’m sure we’re causing a scene. It appears everyone around us is enjoying the party and not paying attention. Thank goodness. He’s so upset with me. Why did I even try talking to him? It’s too soon.

“I’m sorry I bothered you,” I say with sincerity, then walk away from him as quickly as I can.

“Kate!” River follows after me.

I turn to him so as to not draw any further attention. “What?”

He just stares, all hot as hell in his slightly drunken, pissed-off state. He doesn’t say a word. An ache deep within my heart pulses to life.

The pull toward him is magnetic. Like a drug. I want to take him and consume him. I lick my lips before I speak. “What?”

Hurt is all over his face, and all I want to do is say I’m sorry for making him feel this way. His hand comes up and almost touches my arm, but it falls back to his side. “Fuck,” he says in a sigh. He turns around, swaying slightly, and after righting himself, walks away.

This is what I asked for. Why is it when I get what I want I’m miserable? I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again.

I don’t cry, but I feel like I might start, so I head to the bathroom. As I round the corner, I see down the hallway Calista fucking Merryman whispering in Willow’s ear. Calista’s blanket of blond hair covers her face as she leans down to talk to Willow. I want to go up to them, but something tells me to keep my distance. There’s a look of surprise on Willow’s face. I’m shocked they’re speaking at all. They hate each other.

What the hell could they be talking about?

My mind starts to race back to all of my suspicions when Willow was gone. I thought Calista knew about River and me. She saw us together and alluded to the fact that she thought we were together. Could she be telling Willow? Would she even believe her?

Willow’s mouth is slightly open and her hand is sitting on her chest.

I have to end this conversation ASAP. Cautiously approaching them, I hope to catch some of their conversation. As I near, Willow’s facial expression is easier to read. It’s not only confusion but something else. Is it irritation? I wish I could hear what they are saying. The volume of the music coming from the living room is too loud and they’re speaking too quietly.

“Hey, Willow, I was looking for you,” I say with a forced smile as I stride to them.

Willow does a double take as I approach. “Oh, hey.” She gives Calista a get-the-fuck-out-of-here look.

“I’m outta here. Call me if you want to talk,” Calista says before she turns on her heel and marches away, swinging her long hair behind her.

“What the hell was that all about?” I check to make sure the bitch is really gone.

“We were just talking.”

So she’s not going to elaborate. How do I approach this conversation? I want to know exactly what they were talking about, but I don’t want to seem pushy. “Was she upsetting you? You looked a little concerned.”

“No, she wasn’t. I’m fine.”

It appears I’m going to have to claw this out of her. “Okay, good.” I sigh. “You do remember we hate her, right?”

She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I do remember she’s a mega-Barbie-bitch. Just ignore her.”

I wish it were that easy. “I’ll try, as long as she doesn’t upset my friends.” Now seems as good a time as any to bring up my chat with Kyle. “You know what Kyle said when I saw him the other day?”

“Why did you see Kyle?” She purses her lips.

“I was at Lane’s having dinner, and he was there.”

“Oh yeah. How are things with you and Lane?” Nice try with diversion. It’s not going to work.

“Things are pretty good. But anyway, I asked Kyle about the note that I found. He said he didn’t write it.” I put my hands on my hips and give her a sidelong glance, searching her face for any tells, but there aren’t any.

“What did you think he would say?”

I shift my weight from one foot to the other. “I wasn’t sure. He seemed to be telling the truth, though,” I say, feeling smug.

“You don’t believe him, do you?” she asks, crossing her arms.

She’s getting upset. This isn’t what I wanted. Why is this note such a big secret? Someone just tell me. It was a year ago. It shouldn’t be so top secret anymore. “I sort of did believe him. He seemed sincere. But I believe you, Willow,” I lie.

“Good. He’s a jerk for denying it.” She unfolds her arms and looks into my eyes with concern. “I walked by you and River a minute ago. Were you guys fighting about something?”

Fuck. I was hoping no one saw us, especially Willow. I don’t like lying to her; she’s my best friend, but it keeps happening tonight. I’d do anything for her—except tell her I’m desperately in love with River McEwan.

“Oh, you saw that?” I try to laugh it off, but I can hear my voice betraying me.

“Yeah, I almost came over to you guys, but it looked intense. Plus, I really had to use the bathroom.”

I’m at a loss. I want to lie to her again, but my head is empty. “No, we weren’t fighting. I was just making sure he wasn’t being an asshole to you now that you guys have broken up.”

“He’s not, Katie. He’s been fine.”

“That’s good to hear. I mean, that’s what he said too. He seemed drunk, so I was trying to tell him to lay off the liquid. He didn’t like me telling him what to do.” I cringe inwardly, hoping this is enough for her to leave it.

“I haven’t talked to him tonight. You shouldn’t harass him about his alcohol intake. He’s a big boy.”

“You’re right. That’s what he said.” I wring my hands together. “I really have to pee.”

“Well, get in there.” She laughs. The tension is gone from her posture. She seems like my happy-go-lucky Willow again.

Relieved that the awkward conversation is over, I walk toward the bathroom and call over my shoulder, “I’ll be out in a minute. Save a spot on the dance floor for me.”

Chapter 12

“Oh my. What do they put in this sauce to make it so damn good?” Karli asks, wiping the corners of her mouth with a large white dinner napkin.

“I don’t know, but it’s sinfully good,” Willow says, dipping her bread into the last of the spinach-and-artichoke-dip appetizer we’re all sharing at dinner in the gourmet restaurant of the Luna Spa.

We’ve had a wonderfully relaxing day at the spa, getting pampered with facials and massages. It’s been the best day I’ve had in a very long time. I’ve been able to let my mind rest, and only enjoy and appreciate getting pampered and spending time with my best friend.

Lane was right when he said I would like Karli once I got to know her. Riding to the spa and spending time with her today has shown me the type of person she is. She’s open, kind, and very funny, but what I appreciate the most about my new friend is the way she seems to be helping Willow. Karli’s playful nature and the easy banter they share opens Willow up and seems to facilitate her remembering more. I fear I’m caught up so much in my own head that I’m not supporting her as much as I could be.

Before Willow disappeared, their close friendship may have bothered me more. But now I see it for what it is. This relationship is what Willow needs to help her get back to her old self. Far be it for me to object or let petty jealousy ruin my closeness with her.

“If I eat much more of this dip, I won’t have room for dinner. I wish my mother or sister would have come, then I could have shared my pasta. I’m not going to put a dent in it,” I say as the waiter comes over and puts a huge steaming bowl of ziti with vodka sauce and scallops in front of me.

“I know your sister had plans, but why couldn’t your mom come?” Willow asks.

“She had to work some overtime. The firm has been crazy busy lately. It seems like all she does is work.” I take a huge bite of pasta.

“I hope they compensate her for all the extra work she’s putting in?”

“Yeah, they do. She’s very happy there and never complains. I’d just like to have her come on little getaways like this with me. Especially since I’ll be leaving for NYU in August.” I take a sip of my white wine.

“I’m so jealous you’re going away without me,” Willow says in mock anger.

I grasp her hand and squeeze it. “You’ll be there in a year. Don’t stress, and catch up on your school work this semester,” I say, looking into her brown eyes.

“I wish you guys would come to Weston. It’s such a party school.” Karli twirls spaghetti around her fork and ungracefully puts it in her mouth.

“As fun as that sounds, I’m happy with my choice. Plus, it’d be so expensive to travel back and forth. Plane tickets aren’t cheap.” I take a deep breath, willing my stomach to allow just a little bit more food in.

“It’s true. I’m just happy that Dad has frequent-flier miles.” Karli’s father is an insurance adjuster so he travels all the time.

“It is a nice perk,” Willow agrees. With her father running for office now, he travels constantly as well.

“I’m happy to stay somewhat closer to home,” I reply, relieved there are good options closer to home.

“What’s Lane’s plan next year?” Willow asks.

“He’s narrowed it down to two state universities.” Both of which are relatively close to NYU, so if we do end up together, it won’t be difficult to visit each other.

“That’s great. Things seem to be getting pretty serious with you guys,” Karli says, repinning a piece of her long, brown hair that’s fallen out of her clip.

“We’re taking things slow.” I don’t want to get into all the gory details of my relationship with Lane. I do like him, but things are so complicated between us. Obviously, the complexities have everything to do with my never-ending feelings for Willow’s ex-boyfriend, and clearly, I can’t talk about that.

“He’s sexy and has it bad for you. Why are you taking it so slow?” Karli asks.

I can’t help but notice how Willow eyes me and shakes her head vigorously.

“He’s a looker, and super sweet. We’ll see where things go.” I let out a deep breath of discomfort from indulging in the meal. It’s as if these girls are poking their forks at me. “What about you, Karli? Do you have anyone special back at Weston?”

“No, no one worth bringing up.”

“You’re a hot girl. There must be guys back there waiting for you?”

“No, but I do kind of wish there was someone special waiting on me.” She finishes off the last of her wine. “I definitely didn’t save room for dessert. What about you guys?”

“No way. I’m too full.” Willow pats her flat stomach.

“I’m ready to go back to the room and put my jammies on,” Karli says.

After paying for the meal, we head back to the room and change into our pajamas. The room has two queen beds and is decorated with Adirondack-style blankets and curtains. The pillows look soft, fluffy, and inviting, waiting to be laid on. It smells of soothing lavender and rosemary, their scent easing you into calmness. Willow and I share one bed, and Karli gets the other all to herself.

“I’m so relaxed I’m going to sleep like a rock tonight,” I say as I pour the last drops out of another bottle of wine. Have we really chatted through another bottle? I sink farther into the thick, cloud-like mattress, enjoying the feeling of a tension-free body. Between the massage and the wine, life is pretty good.

“Me too.” Karli chimes in. “Should I shut the lights off?”

“Yeah, I’m spent.” Willow says, lying flat on her back with her arms over her head.

It’s 2:00 AM when I open my eyes with the sudden urge to pee. Dammit, too much wine. What the hell is that?

Somewhere in the dark I can hear sloppy, sucking noises.

I slowly reach my hand to Willow, but the sheets are cold. It takes a few moments for my eyes to acclimate to the darkness. Past the pale glow from the alarm clock, I notice two people in Karli’s bed. It’s not easy to see, but the silhouettes look to be two women’s bodies. I blink my eyes. This can’t be right. It can’t be Willow and Karli making out in the bed next to me.

Their breathing is heavy, and whoever is on top is rocking back and forth. One of them—I think it’s Karli—pulls away from the kiss to tug her shirt over her head, baring her naked chest. Her silhouette is beautiful, but I don’t find it sexually appealing and didn’t know Willow did either. Apparently, she does because her hands come up to cup Karli’s breasts.

Even though I’m acting like a voyeur, I can’t look away. I hope they don’t see me. I’m as still as stone as I watch them get each other off. My breathing speeds up, and I’m finding it increasing difficult to remain motionless. I have to use the bathroom, but there is no way I’m getting up.

My mind is officially blown. Never did I imagine this girl’s getaway was going to end in my best friend hooking up with another girl. Is this the first time this has happened? They seemed close, but not like this.

***

“What are you talking about?” Stella asks, her jaw dangling open.

“I know, right. I never saw it coming,” I say, my hands slightly shaking from all the caffeine I’ve ingested this morning on the long and very quiet drive home from the spa.

“I can’t believe it.” Stella’s eyes are as wide as saucers.

“It was like I was in an alternate universe where everything I thought I knew was exactly opposite.”

“Have you ever had a clue Willow has feelings for girls?” she asks as she continues making a ham and cheese sandwich.

“Never. She’s almost as boy crazy as Grace McCrae.”

Stella laughs and takes a bite of her lunch. “Are you sure they didn’t notice you watching?”

“I hope not. I did everything I could to stay still, but it wasn’t easy. I had to pee so bad.” I lean forward and take a sip of my water, remembering how uncomfortable I was last night, both physically and mentally.

“I don’t know what I would have done. I might have gotten right up and walked past them to the bathroom.”

“Yeah, right. Then what?” I ask.

“Then I would have confronted them, asked them what the hell is going on.” She looks me straight in the eye.

“No way. I could never have done that.” I shake my head.

“Never could have done what?” Becks asks as he saunters through the back door.

“Do you ever knock?” I ask in a playful tone.

“Sorry, sweet girl. It’s just a habit, I guess,” Becks says, walking behind Stella and grabbing her around the waist. She squeals and turns to greet him with a kiss. I look away to not disturb their moment. “What are you ladies up to?”

“We’re just gossiping,” Stella says.

“Please, Stella. Let’s keep this one to ourselves.” I arch my brow, hoping she gets the hint.

“Don’t worry. I don’t care about meaningless gossip.” Becks grabs Stella’s sandwich and takes a huge bite.

“I wouldn’t have said anything anyway.” Stella shrugs.

“Okay, so I know I just said I don’t gossip.” Becks finishes chewing his food. “But I’m a little worried about River.”

That got my attention. “What do you mean?”

“Ever since he and Willow broke up, he’s been off.”

“What do you mean off?” I ask, wrinkling my nose.

“He’s never been a big drinker, and now all he wants to do is hit the sauce. Not to mention he’s been skipping lacrosse practice. Coach is getting pissed off. The season just started, but if he misses much more, coach’ll bench him.”

“That’s not like him,” I say and look down toward the ground. My breath hitches and I swallow hard.

“I know. That’s why I’m worried. I’ve tried to get him to the gym with me. I’ve shown up at his house right before practice to try and get him there, but it doesn’t always work.”

Now I’m worried. What’s his problem? He doesn’t skip practice. He doesn’t drink all the time. I want to go upstairs and call him, but can’t go back on my promise. I told him I would give him space. No, it hasn’t stopped me before, but I am trying. As hard as it is, I’m going to respect his wishes. “Please keep trying, Becks. He needs his friends right now.”

“Yeah, guess he’s taking this breakup pretty hard.” He frowns.

“Seems that way.” I know that’s not the case—it’s me. It’s most definitely me.

Chapter 13

I enter the lecture hall at Bluff Harbor College three minutes before my Calculus Two class starts. It’s the first day of my last semester here. It’s bittersweet. I’m ready to move on and go to NYU, but I will miss this place and the memories it holds for me.

I take a quick glance around to find an open seat. Heat spreads through my body as I spot River sitting in the far back corner. His beautifully chiseled face is lost in concentration. He’s looking down at his phone, paying no attention to me or anyone that might be walking into class. As luck would have it, the only available seat left is right next to him. Fuck.

I never even considered he might end up in one of my classes. My skin prickles in anticipation under the weight of my heavy wool sweater. I breathe in deeply and make my way to the open seat. I smell nothing but the stale classroom air until I get to the chair and sit in it. That’s when it hits me—the aroma of freshly showered River, all body wash and him. I take this moment before he realizes it’s me next to him to admire his blond spiky hair and stubble-lined jaw.

As if he can sense me checking him out, he lifts his head away from his phone and looks directly at me. His blue eyes seem dull, and dark circles hang heavy underneath them. For a fraction of a second, his mouth turns up into a ghost of a smile. But that’s all it is. Before I can even say hello, he quickly turns his attention back down to his phone.

“Hi, River,” I blurt out before I lose my nerve. I refuse to pretend I don’t know him anymore.

He glances back up at me and says, “Hi, Kate.”

“I know this isn’t the best way to give you space, but it’s the only seat left in the room.”

He looks around the lecture hall like it’s the first time he’s realized where he is. “It’s not an issue.” He goes back to studying his phone.

I’d like to continue the conversation, but come up short on things to say. It’s not as if I want to bring up what Becks told me about his drinking bender and missing practices. I’m sure that wouldn’t be received well.

My heart hurts looking at him, knowing I can’t wrap my arms around him or kiss his lips. I can’t even call him to talk. There’s no friendship, no relationship. I fear I’ll never have anything with him ever again. He’s turned back to ice where I’m concerned, and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Or is there? What would he do if I cornered him and told him how much I regret forcing him to be with Willow, dictating his actions toward her. I want to help him. Would he let me? Could he ever forgive me? I doubt it. I’ve definitely made a mess of things.

I try my best to focus during the lecture, but it’s nearly impossible. I find myself staring at River like some obsessed freak. I notice an envelope sticking out of his notebook. I squint at it and realize it’s the NYU Logo. I inhale deeply. “River, did you get accepted to NYU?” I whisper in his direction. I found out over a month ago I got in. I hadn’t heard anything about River.

He seems confused at first, then glances at the envelope. He shoves it back under his notebook. “Don’t worry. I’m not going.”

“But you got in?”

“Yes, but I won’t be bothering you there,” he says with a frown on his face that accentuates the deep hollows under his eyes.

“You wouldn’t be bothering me.”

It was our dream to go there together. While that isn’t the plan anymore, he has to go. Excitement bubbles up in my belly. I’ve got no expectation of a relationship with him, but I’m still thrilled he got in!

“If you got in, you have to go.”

“No, Kate, I don’t.” He looks down at his phone again, dismissing me.

What the hell? My heart sinks. I know I hurt him and he wants space, but that’s no excuse for him not to attend the university of his choice. This conversation is not over.

Class finally comes to an end. I load my books into my bag and put my coat on. When I look up, River has already left the lecture hall. I make my way out as fast as I can and run into the hallway. I search all around, looking for him. He’s nowhere to be found. I would continue my search but I don’t want to be late for my PE elective—volleyball in the gym.

I sigh. This is going to be a long semester.

***

“I’ve really missed you,” Lane says, hugging me.

“I missed you too.” And I mean it. I stopped over to Lane’s place after classes because I haven’t seen him since before New Year’s Eve. Both of our schedules have prevented us from getting together.

While our time apart has shown me how much I miss him, it hasn’t given me the much-needed clarity I was hoping to gain. I’m as confused now as I was the last time I saw him. I was hoping I would see Lane again and have that weak-in-the-knees, butterflies-in-the-belly feeling that would say to me, ‘Yes, Kate, he’s your guy.’ But, no, I’m not having any of that.

Lane leans into me and presses his soft lips to mine. He starts slow, melding our mouths together, getting to know each other again. He licks my upper lip, teasing it with his tongue. I open to him, letting the closeness envelop me like a warm comfortable blanket. I’ve missed Lane and his comforting acceptance of me.

Lane pulls away, looks at me, and says, “Wow, we better slow it down, or I’ll be carrying you to my bedroom before we even have a conversation.”

I sigh and laugh. “Good idea.” I’m definitely not ready to go any further with Lane. I’ve resolved myself to cool things down a bit with him until I figure out where my head is.

He takes a seat on the couch and pats the seat next to him. “Willow is in my American government class.”

“Oh, no way. We don’t have any classes together this semester. Even though I’m a year ahead of her now, I thought we’d at least have one elective together.”

“That’s too bad. It was actually pretty fun today. We sat next to each other. It was good catching up with her,” he says.

“I’m jealous. I should see if I could get into your class. Mine were dull today.”

Lane puts his hand on my thigh and starts tracing tiny circles. “That sucks. I doubt you’ll be able to get in now, though. The lecture hall was completely full.”

“Figures. It’s okay. My schedule is full and I need the courses I have to finish up and get my bachelor’s degree in biology.” I put my hand over his and lace our fingers together. “What did you and Willow talk about?”

A slight blush creeps up Lane’s cheeks. “You, mostly.”

I laugh at how cute he is getting embarrassed over talking about me. “I can’t be that interesting. Anything else? I haven’t chatted with Willow in a couple of days.”

“Yeah. She’s planning a road trip to Weston in February. You know how we have that four-day weekend?”

“No, I didn’t realize we had a long weekend coming up,” I say.

“We do. It’s the second or third weekend, I believe. Anyway, she wants us all to go, you, me, and her. She thinks it’d be fun to go see Karli, and Kyle’s been bugging me to come see his place.” He bites on his bottom lip and angles his head to the side.

“Hmm, sounds like an interesting trip.” I can’t say I’m surprised Willow wants to go see her girlfriend. I am just surprised she wants Lane and me to go.

“It sounds like fun. Plus, I don’t think Willow’s mother wants her driving all that way alone.”

So there it is. Laura won’t allow it unless Willow has company. “Spending extended periods of time with your brother isn’t high on my priority list, but if you want to go, I’ll consider it.”

“Come on. Don’t you think a road trip sounds like an adventure? Especially with your BFF and BF?” His face lights up. He’s so damn cute when he’s excited.

I giggle. “It would give us some time away from the Bluff, just to hang out.”

“And we don’t have to spend the entire weekend with Kyle.”

“That’s a relief.” As hard as it is to spend time with Kyle, if I’m going to date Lane, I should make an honest effort with his brother.

“Willow also mentioned how much fun you guys had at the spa. She thought it would be nice for the two of you to spend more time with Karli.” Lane studies me.

I wonder if he can tell what I’m thinking? I know just how much fun my best friend and his cousin had at the spa. At least their night was fun.

“Did you know Karli is a lesbian?” I blurt out.

“What?” His chin drops open.

“Or, at the very least, bisexual,” I say. I wasn’t sure up until this point if I was going to tell Lane about what I saw, but this just seemed like the right moment.

“No, I didn’t know. Why do you think she’s gay?” His brown eyes open wide.

“Oh, it could’ve been the fact that she was hooking up with Willow in our room the night we stayed over at the spa. They thought I was asleep. I wasn’t.” I get up and walk toward the kitchen. A slight pang of guilt hits me. Maybe I shouldn’t have just outed Willow and Karli. “I need some water.”

“No shit. I had no idea. She’s always been a little eccentric, but I never knew she was gay,” Lane says, his voice full of surprise as he follows me into the kitchen.

“I never knew Willow was into girls either. She’s always been boy crazy or had a boyfriend.”

“Maybe they’re just experimenting. You know how people get in college. It’s all about figuring yourself out,” Lane says as he grabs me a bottle of water.

“It’s possible. But it seems like there are genuine feelings between them. And Willow is hot to go see Karli already when they just left each other. Makes me think it could be more serious.” I take a drink of my water and replace the cap. “Please don’t mention I said anything to you about this. I don’t like to start rumors.”

“It’ll be our secret.” Lane walks toward me and puts his arms around me.

“Thank you.” I squeeze him around the waist.

“So are we going to road trip with Willow?”

I’m not completely sold on the idea of this getaway. “Let me think about it.” I’ll have to give it some serious thought.

Chapter 14

Weeks pass, living my life in a state of just being. I go to classes. I work. I go home. Some days I see Willow, and we go to lunch or shop. Some evenings I go to Lane’s house. He’s very patient with me and never presses me to decide what the hell I want or force a physical relationship beyond kissing. He deserves saint status for putting up with my wishy-washy behavior.

One Monday morning, I walk into my calculus class and find River with his head down on his desk. He’s normally withdrawn but not usually passed out. The professor starts lecturing, and River doesn’t budge.

“River,” I say in a loud whisper.

No movement at all.

“River.” I increase my volume, but he stays still.

Checking to make sure the professor isn’t paying attention to me, I lean my chair over so I can reach River and gently nudge his shoulder. I try to ignore the feel of his warm body under my hand and his familiar scent I love so much that butterflies dance in my belly. Despite my coaxing, he doesn’t move. Is he alive? I lean in and listen, thankfully hearing the faint sound of his breathing. How could he be passed out cold in calculus class? Maybe he isn’t feeling well, but why would he make the effort to drag himself here to only pass out once he gets to his seat.

I’m not sure what to do. Even though he’s been cold to me, I still care deeply for him. I’m concerned, but aside from shouting his name and shaking him, I’m at a loss of what to do. I’ll let him lay here for now. I watch him intently during the lecture and have almost zero focus. This isn’t ideal since we’re getting close to midterms and I need to keep my grades up. When there’s ten minutes left of the lecture, I make another effort to wake River.

I guide my chair closer to him and lean in toward his ear. In a whisper, I say his name.

A faint moan escapes his lips. Thankfully it isn’t loud enough for anyone else to hear.

“River, we’re in calculus. It’s almost time to leave. You need to wake up.”

He stirs and slowly raises his head. He squints his eyes, attempting to focus when the scent of stale beer wafts past me. I wrinkle my nose and move my chair back toward my desk. River’s eyes move down, examining the chair and the scraping noise it makes. His eyes wander back up to mine, and he shakes his head slightly as if he’s confused about the situation.

He’s confused? He smells like old cocktails and slept for the entire lecture. The rings under his eyes are black. What the hell is going on with him? I will find out today, even if I have to corner him after class.

When the lecture comes to a close, I pack my bag as fast as possible so as not to miss the chance to talk to River. Unlike most days, today he’s moving slow. He’s definitely hurting.

Before I lose my nerve, I take a deep breath. “Can I talk to you, River?”

He slides by me, avoiding my gaze. “What do you need, Kate?”

“I’d like to talk to you. I only need five minutes,” I say, trying to catch up to him.

“I’m walking to my car, should take me about that long. Talk.” His voice is impatient and raspy.

I walk swiftly behind him, trying to keep up with his pace. His morning nap clearly gave him a second wind.

“What’s going on with you today?” There’s no time to beat around the bush. I cut right to the chase.

“Nothing. Why?”

“You slept the entire lecture, and you smell like an old liquor cabinet.”

“I had a good night last night. I’m a little hung over this morning. That’s all.” He snakes around a curve down the hallway to the exit doors.

So he’s going to play coy then. “You went out drinking on a school night? Seriously, that isn’t like you at all,” I say in a sharp tone.

That got his attention. As we exit the building, he stops and turns his attention to me. “Listen, Kate. I have a mother. Yeah, she sucks as a parent, but I have one nonetheless. The last thing I need is for you to start acting like you’re my mom.”

I close my eyes as the sting of his words bite at me and try not to cry. “I’m sorry.” The last thing I want to be to River McEwan is his mother.

He sighs, closes his eyes, and tips his head back toward the blue sky. The way the high sun casts down over his features, I can’t help but admire the sexy scruff along his jaw. His hair blows gently in the cool breeze. Even when he’s pissed at me I long to touch him.

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t feel well this morning.” He gazes at me, his eyes sad and shadowed.

I move my hand toward his and grab it. I don’t know what possessed me to do it. The warmth from his body streams through me. Butterflies erupt immediately in my belly. I know in that second it’s too much, though, too intimate. My breathing speeds up. His eyes lock on our hands, and so do mine. Deep inside, I know this is right. Nothing has ever been this right.

I want to save him.

Save myself.

But I don’t know how. The wall he’s built around his heart is too high. I have no idea how to scale it.

“I’m sorry,” I say just above a whisper. I bring his hand up to my mouth and gently kiss it.

River lets out a deep breath.

I don’t look at him. I don’t want to see the look in his eyes. “If you need me, I’m here for you. Please don’t forget that.”

He brings his chin down and a tear escapes the corner of his eye. “Right. Thank you. I need to go now.”

He turns and walks toward the parking lot, leaving me there alone wishing more than anything I could be walking beside him, but knowing in my heart that will never be.

I mope my way to the gym for badminton. I change my clothes in blur, my mind reeling from my conversation with River. The time drags by. I’m completely useless. All I can think about is the state River was in today and how much I want to help him. We’re playing doubles, and my partner isn’t happy with me. She’s definitely doing the lion’s share of the work. I’m thankful after the plastic projectile flies at me and hits me in the head that class is finally over.

My first stop after my gym elective is Lane’s house.

“Okay, let’s do the road trip,” I announce as I walk in his door.

“You want to go?” His voice raises an octave in excitement. He wraps me up in a giant hug.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun.” This is kind of a lie. I’m not sure it’s going to be the best trip, especially spending so much time with asshole Kyle, but this trip is it for me. If I don’t come home knowing whether I want Lane or not, then I’m done. If I spend a four-day weekend with the guy and I’m not sure I want him, I’ll need to end it. It’s not fair to him to drag this out any longer. This trip will be the final bit of clarity I need to see if I want Lane or if I’ve just been using him as a crutch. My heart squeezes deep in my chest.

The talk I had with River earlier today cemented my resolve. He’s finished with me. Yes, I want River so much it hurts sometimes. But we will never be together again, it was made clear today. He barely wanted to be around me for five minutes. His icy demeanor is all the proof I need. No more delusions that someday we’ll be a couple. That ship has sailed, but I will always cherish the little time we did have together. It’s time to move on, and after this trip, I’ll know if it’s with Lane or not.

“You want to go sit down? We can get a Movie On Demand,” Lane asks.

“Sure, that sounds fun. Let’s make some popcorn.”

“Perfect, I just bought microwave caramel corn,” Lane says, walking to his pantry and grabbing a box with the goodies in it. It’s my absolute favorite. My mouth waters just thinking about putting a hot, gooey kernel in my mouth.

After the popcorn is popped, we get comfortable on the couch. Lane sits with his legs resting on the coffee table, and I lie down with my head in his lap. I’m fully into the action movie when Lane’s phone starts blowing up with text message alerts. He just sits there and watches the movie as if nothing is happening while his phone keeps chirping away on the coffee table in front of me. I try to ignore it, but it’s sitting so close to my head.

“Want me to hand you your phone?”

“No. Let’s just watch the movie. Whoever it is can wait until it’s over. I’m really into it,” Lane says, reaching into the bowl of popcorn and shoveling a huge handful into his mouth.

I reach over to grab his phone to silence it so it won’t ruin the rest of the movie for me, when I see a text come through from Kyle. It clearly states: Don’t bring her here. I put the phone down as soon as I flip the volume switch and pretend I didn’t just see the message.

As the movie goes on, I can’t focus on it. All I can think about is Kyle’s text. What does he mean? Is he talking about bringing me to Weston? But why? It doesn’t make sense. Why the hell can’t I go there? Am I just being paranoid? I know we aren’t fond of each other, but come on. Does he always have to be such a dick? Clearly the answer is yes.

Once the movie is over, I’m mentally exhausted from spending so much time stewing over Kyle’s text. I can only imagine what the other texts say. I’m not sure I want to say anything to Lane about the message. It certainly is his phone, and the texts he gets are his private property, but I saw it and can’t pretend I didn’t.

“During the movie when I turned off your phone, I saw a message from your brother that concerns me.” I wait for his reply, thinking if he were pissed at me for looking at his phone I wouldn’t blame him.

“Oh, damn. I forgot my phone kept going off. Let me check it.” I move from his lap and he leans down to grab his phone. He scrolls through the messages, his facial expression never changing, and then looks at me. “What did you see that bothers you?”

“The one that said, ‘Don’t bring her here.’” I shift my legs underneath me, readying myself for this discussion.

“Oh.” He continues scrolling through his phone, taking his time. “I see. I’m in a group text here. There are several people messaging back and forth.”

“You’re saying Kyle wasn’t referring to me then?” I ask, still not completely convinced.

He looks up at me and blinks several times. “No, he wasn’t talking about you. Of course not.” His eyes are clear, dripping with sincerity.

I sit back and let this sink in. I’m pissed at myself for always assuming everything has to do with me. Lane wouldn’t lie to me. It’s not his style. “Okay. I’m sorry I looked at your phone. I was just tired of hearing it go off.”

Lane scooches closer to me and squeezes my thigh. “Don’t worry about it. And definitely don’t worry about Kyle. He’s an idiot and adds me to group texts all the time as if I need to be included in everything.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m an idiot.” I sigh while shaking my head.

“You’re not an idiot, Kate. Look at you. You seem exhausted.”

“I am. I should probably head home now.” I stand and stretch my arms over my head, then lean down and place a kiss gently on Lane’s forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Lane stands, grabs me around the waist, and brings me into him for a warm, all-consuming hug. I squeeze him and allow myself a few moments to linger here where it’s safe. I head to the door to put my coat and boots on and leave.

The next day I stop by Willow’s house. “I’m so excited we’re going on a road trip. It’ll be like old times.” She squeals and hugs me.

I giggle at her excitement. “I’m glad you’re so happy.” And I genuinely am. I myself am not quite as enthusiastic, but being in her presence is helping me get there.

“We need to get packing. We only have a couple of days before we leave,” Willow says.

“I know. You’ll have to help me decide what to bring.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. I’ll stop by your place tomorrow, and we can fill your suitcase.” She claps her hands together.

“I have to tell you about something strange that happened yesterday when I was at Lane’s house.” I decided to get Willow’s take on the weird text message I saw from Kyle.

Willow looks up from the overnight bag she’s just pulled out of her closet. “What happened?” Curiosity creases her features.

“It could be nothing, but while we were watching a movie last night, Lane’s phone started blowing up with text messages, and his phone was sitting right next to me. One of the messages said, ‘Don’t bring her here.’” I searched her face for a reaction.

She shakes her head and asks, “Who was it from?”

“It was from Kyle. Don’t you find that odd? Who do you think he was referring to?”

Willow doesn’t look up at me. She just continues to fold a T-shirt and places it into her bag. “Do you think Lane lies to you?”

“No. Not at all.” I think back to a time when he may have withheld things from me, but in the end, he hadn’t been happy with himself for doing it and had come clean. Last semester I’d asked him if he knew about Kyle dating anyone the previous Christmas, and at first, he’d said no. Later he’d confided in me that he’d found a pregnancy test in the bathroom around that time. He had told me how much he hated keeping things from me and told me what he knew. I believe that was the end of his dishonesty.

“Then I wouldn’t worry about it. If he told you the text had nothing to do with you, then it probably didn’t.” She puts her hands on her hips and peers into her closet. “How are things going with you two anyway? They heating up?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to move too quickly with Lane. He’s a great guy, and I don’t want to hurt him.”

“What’s your hang-up? We talk about this all the time. Aren’t you ready to take the next step?”

A pit forms in my stomach, bringing with it nausea. “I don’t know, Willow. I wish I did. This would be so much easier if I could figure this out. I’m hoping the trip will give me clarity.” The focus needs to move away from Lane and me. It’s an impossible conversation to have with Willow. She is my best friend, but I will never tell her about my true feelings for River. “I’ve been wondering about you and River. Have you seen him lately?”

“Oh yeah. I did actually.” She looks up from her bag. “The jerk bought a motorcycle after we broke up. WTF! I love riding on the back of a bike.”

“Wait. He was riding a motorcycle? Are you sure it wasn’t someone else’s?”

“Nope. I waved him down and made him stop in the parking lot on campus.”

I can’t believe River got a motorcycle. He was talking about it, but said his parents weren’t supporting the idea. He seemed to let it go. I’m with Willow. I would’ve loved to ride on the back of River’s bike. I can imagine it now. Cruising down the street with the wind blowing my hair, grasping onto River’s strong torso as he traversed the turns. My stomach does a flip just thinking about it. I can almost smell the crisp air.

“Wait. He was riding it in the winter?”

“Yes. It was a warmer day, though.”

The snow had recently melted, but it was still chilly outside. I don’t think it would be fun riding around if it’s too cold. “I’m a little surprised.”

“Me too. I don’t remember him mentioning he wanted to buy one, but he seemed happy about it when I saw him,” Willow said.

“Was he alone?” I inwardly cringe, thinking about someone else riding on the back with him. Holding onto him. Gross. It’s too much.

“Yeah. Why? Have you heard he’s dating anyone?” she asks.

“No. Just curious.” Unfortunately, I don’t see him staying single long. If I focus on him moving on too hard, I’ll break down in front of Willow. Which is crazy, because I keep telling him to move on even though it’s the last thing I want. Not only was he the best boyfriend I have ever had, we were in love. And now to make matters worse, he went out and got himself a bike, which in my opinion makes him even hotter. How is that even possible? My mood has gone from bad to worse. “I’m going to head out now. I need to get packing.”

“Yes, you do. Will you need my help?” she asks, seeming slightly disappointed I won’t require her services.

“I think I’ve got it under control. If I need your opinion, I’ll call you.” I go to Willow and hug her goodbye.

Chapter 15

“I’m always careful,” I hazily hear Lane say.

I know he’s not talking to me, because my eyes are closed. I’ve been sleeping for quite some time now. I didn’t sleep much last night. Between stressing about this trip and thinking about River, all I did was toss and turn. I was in Lane’s car for less than thirty minutes before I positioned my pillow against the passenger side window and let the gentle hum of Lane’s car put me right out. I’m stirred awake and realize Willow must have woken up and is chatting with Lane. I don’t stir, but stay still with my eyes closed, not sure if I’m actually ready to commit to being awake yet.

“Maybe you guys should do your own thing,” Willow says faintly.

“Maybe. I’m not too worried,” Lane says.

“Take this seriously. I don’t know what the consequences will be if there’s a fuckup,” she says in a clipped tone.

I am now wide-awake. A fuckup? What does she mean? Even in my sleepy state, reality is dawning on me faster than a freight train. Things have been weird with Willow, but I’ve been excusing it because of her amnesia. It’s not working anymore. My suspicions and doubt in my supposed-to-be best friend are on full alert. I contemplate opening my eyes and confronting them, but think better of it. It’s possible I could gain more information.

“You have to settle down, okay. It’s going to be fine.” Lane sounds as if he’s trying to comfort Willow.

“I mean it, Lane.”

“Listen, you were the one who wanted her to come,” Lane says just above a whisper.

Wait. Lane didn’t want me to come? I’m so confused. It’s getting harder to keep my breathing even.

“I know, Lane. I didn’t have a choice. My mother was being difficult and didn’t want me leaving to go to Weston alone. I knew if you two came with me, she’d be more comfortable with me going.” She sighs. “I’m desperate to see Karli.”

“It’s fine. I know she’ll be happy to see you too. And this trip is going to bring Kate and I closer. I can feel it. We need to be away from the Bluff. She’s been so stressed out lately. This trip will be relaxing for all of us.”

“I sure as hell hope so.” The tension leaves Willow’s voice. “I’m excited to go out tonight. Karli said there’s a huge party she wants to take me to. I need a few drinks to loosen up.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“No, Lane. You and Kate can’t go. Remember: do your own thing.”

“Why not? I’m ready to unwind too.” He sounds disappointed.

“It’s not a good idea. Let’s leave it at that. Why don’t you and Kate have a quiet night in? Rub her feet, drink some wine, and talk to her. Some alone time will be good for you guys,” Willow suggests.

There is no way in hell I’m staying in tonight.

“I hope she realizes how much I care for her. I’ll be there for her, no matter what happens,” he says.

My heart sinks in my chest. He’s too good for me. I don’t deserve him.

“She knows, Lane. But it won’t hurt to remind her. This is a big weekend. Don’t waste it.”

“I’m planning on it. If anything happens to fuck things up between us, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m falling for her, and I would never do anything to hurt her, not intentionally.”

I shift in my seat, unable to stay still. It’s too much to hear Lane profess his feelings for me to Willow. It’s making me uncomfortable in a way I can’t explain. Like walking out in the street naked and vulnerable.

“Are we there yet?” I ask groggily.

“Hey, sunshine. We don’t have far to go now,” Lane says as he rubs my thigh.

“Good. I’m starving.” I stretch my arms above my head.

“Me too.” Willow chimes in.

“Don’t worry, ladies. We’ll pull into town in about twenty minutes. Can you wait that long?”

***

Kyle’s apartment is a two-bedroom a mile from campus. It’s definitely a bachelor pad, with empty cases of beer jammed into the corner of the kitchen, but it looks like he attempted to mop and clean up the spare room before we got here. We have a quick tour, and the guys run out to grab us food while Willow and I get settle in.

I meet Willow in the bathroom while she’s applying her makeup. She looks me up and down, checking out my tight black jeans and royal-blue sweater. “Why are you all dressed up?”

“I’m going to the party,” I say with added nonchalance.

“Oh, I thought you and Lane would want to stay in tonight. You seem exhausted.” She’s applying a heavy layer of smoky gray makeup on her eyelid, adding a dramatic effect to her already gorgeous eyes.

“I had a great nap on the way here. I can’t wait to go out and see Karli. We’re going to have so much fun tonight.” I stifle a yawn just thinking about going to a party tonight.

With a steady hand, Willow layers on thick black mascara. “You and Lane can stay in, and you can have some alone time. He mentioned wanting to hang out here with you and give you a massage. Sounds amazing to me, better than a party.” She sounds like a used car salesman trying to sell me a car out of my price range.

“We can do that any night back in the Bluff. Can I borrow some of your blush? I think I left mine at home.” I scooch in next to her in the small bathroom and paw through her makeup bag.

“Sure, it’s in there somewhere.”

Watching her apply concealer, the wrinkle in her forehead that isn’t normally there proves to me she’s bothered about my decision to go out tonight, but it she seems to have dropped it for now.

We have a meal of subs and chips. During the meal, Lane and I have a discussion about why I am coming out tonight and not staying in. Yes, I would enjoy a quiet night in, but I know Willow doesn’t want me to come out, therefore I will stop at nothing to go to this party tonight.

We pull up outside a tiny home just on the outskirts of town. Kyle insists this is where the party is, so we all make our way in.

I’m shocked at how big the place is inside. Willow and Kyle go off to find Karli while Lane and I look for the keg. We walk through a living area set up with a beer pong table, and just past that is a dining room with the beer. Once we pour ourselves a drink, we make our way toward the back of the house and find many people congregated in the kitchen. Something about this space is so familiar, almost like déjà vu. I search the halls and tunnels of my brain but can’t seem to put a finger on it. The longer I’m on this trip, the more unsettled I get. I’m exhausted and could care less about hanging out at a college kegger, but there is no way I’m missing a chance to start putting the puzzle pieces together.

The house is packed with people. There’s music playing, but it isn’t so loud that it distracts from conversations.

“This beer isn’t bad,” I say to Lane.

“No, not bad at all for a college party.”

I lean up against a counter and scan the crowd. “I wonder if they found Karli?”

“I bet they have. Do you want to go look for them?” Lane asks, walking toward me and puts his hand on my hip.

“Yeah, let’s go look around,” I say, trying to stifle a yawn. If I’m going to find out what the hell is going on, I need to find Willow.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go back to Kyle’s? We can go to bed.”

“No, I’m fine,” I say a little too quickly. “Why?”

He scans my face and smiles. “You look exhausted.”

“Nope. Let’s go find our friends.” I have to work harder at looking chipper. I take a long drink and make my way toward the front room.

Willow and Karli are sitting on a couch in the living room. Their legs are touching, even though there’s plenty of room next to them. Karli whispers something in Willow’s ear while playing with Willow’s hair. Some of her curls have returned as the length has almost reached her shoulders by now, and the color is back to it’s vibrant auburn red thanks to her amazing hair stylist. It’s an intimate moment, but I take a seat next to Karli and give her a huge hug. “Hi. It’s so good to see you.”

Karli puts her arms around me. “Thank you for coming. I love seeing my friends from home.” She glances over to Willow.

Willow beams back at her.

If I didn’t know they were dating, I could’ve passed off the look as the sweet bond girlfriends share, but I know better. They are truly smitten.

“Of course. We all needed a getaway.”

“I was just telling Willow we need to have a girl’s night tomorrow.” She’s talking to me, but Karli is having a hard time keeping her eyes off Willow. It’s like I’m intruding.

“Sounds good to me. I’m sure Lane and Kyle won’t mind having a brother bonding night.” I look next to me, but Lane isn’t there. I could have sworn he followed me in here.

“Perfect,” Willow says.

Do they really want to spend time alone tomorrow night? I’m sure they do. Hopefully I won’t be a third wheel. Almost like I feel right now. “Did you guys see where Lane went?”

“I think I saw him go toward the beer pong room.” Willow points toward the front of the house.

“Okay, great. I’m going to grab a refill and find Lane. I’ll come back and find you guys soon.” They seem to be innocent enough, for now. I need to start figuring things out.

“Sounds good,” Karli says.

I get up and head back toward the kitchen and the keg with no intention of finding Lane. I want information.

I stand in the line for the keg behind a tall guy with broad shoulders wearing an NYU hat on backward.

“Nice hat,” I say.

The tall guy turns his head slowly in my direction. The right corner of his mouth turns up to reveal a small dimple. Cute. “Thanks.”

“That’s where I’m going for grad school. Next year,” I say.

The tall guy gives me a not-so-subtle once-over. “Really? My brother graduated last year.”

“Awesome. I love it there.”

“Yeah, I went to visit him. It was a blast.” We make it to the keg, and he grabs my cup and fills it before he fills his own. His hands move slow and he sways slightly. Perfect, he’s definitely buzzing.

“I can’t wait.” I smile and take my cup from him, then wait while he fills his. “What year are you?”

“I’m a junior. What about you?”

“I’m a senior, but I don’t go to school here.” Clearly he already forgot I just told him I’m going to NYU next year.

“You don’t?” There’s a slight slur when tall guy speaks.

“No, I’m just visiting friends.” We make our way to the kitchen and he reclines against the wall. He clearly needs the stability, and I’d like to hang out with him. See if I can get any information.

“Who are you here visiting?” His eyes are gentle and gray, but half-lidded with drink.

“My friend Karli Parker and Kyle Powers.” I leave out the fact that Kyle is sort of my boyfriend’s brother. Flirting is my strategy. I’ll see if it opens him up at all. “Do you know them?”

“Yeah. Powers is my boy.” He smirks again, revealing his adorable dimple. Such a baby face.

I slowly run my finger up and down his arm. It gets the desired effect, his smile widens. “How do you know Kyle?” I ask.

“We’ve known each other since freshman year.” Score. He might know something.

“No way. What a small world,” I smile and lean in a little closer.

“How do you know him?” he asks after finishing his beer.

“We’re from the same town. Grew up together.” I grab his cup. “Here, finish mine, and I’ll go to the keg and fill this one up.”

“Wow, you’ll get me a beer? I think I love you.”

I laugh and head back to the keg where thankfully there isn’t much of a line. I need this guy to keep talking. The looser he is, the better. I fill his cup and make my way back to him. He hasn’t moved but has finished my drink.

“Here you go.” I hand him the Solo cup.

He hands me back my empty and shrugs. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Hey, do you mind if we go sit down?” He points his finger in the direction of a side room. One I hadn’t noticed.

“Sure.” I follow him into the room.

It’s quieter because there aren’t as many people. We take a seat on a small couch. I turn my head to look back into the kitchen and prickles make their way down my spine. This is definitely the view from the picture I saw on Grace McCrae’s phone. She had shown me her Instagram, pointing out how cute she thought Kyle was, and that’s when I thought I saw the back of Willow. I was sure of it. Was she ever here? Is this where she was when she went missing?

“Hey, you okay?” Tall guy is staring intently at me.

“Sorry. Yes, I’m fine. It got hot all of the sudden.” I loosen the scarf I have tied around my neck and take it off.

“Good. You got pale. I thought you might get sick.”

I laugh this off. Ignore it. “I’m perfectly fine. But I didn’t ask your name.”

His smile returns. “I’m Aaron. What’s yours?”

“I’m Kate.” I put my hand out, and he grasps it softly.

“Nice to meet you, Kate from Bluff Harbor.” I almost forgot he knows Kyle and would therefore know where I’m from.

“So, Aaron, you and Kyle have been close since freshman year?” I lean closer to him.

“He and I had a few classes together and were in the same dorm freshman year. He’s a cool guy. We dated girls from the same sorority, so we were at the same parties. We’ve been friends ever since.”

I laugh a little. “I see. Is he a player here like he was back in the Bluff?” I want Aaron to be comfortable talking to me. He needs to be relaxed.

“Well, I don’t know. Did you guys ever date?”

“No. Never. I’m a friend of his brother, Lane.” I swirl my hair behind me and blink a few extra times. Is this how you’re supposed to flirt? I’m sorely out of practice.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve met Lane. He came last year to visit. We all went out to a few bars. He’s a cool guy.”

“He definitely is a great guy.” Unlike his asshole brother. “I don’t remember Lane saying he was here last year.”

“Ha-ha.” He hiccups into a burp and covers his mouth. “Yup, it was definitely last year. We had a blast.” He takes a couple deep breaths. “We ended up having to carry Karli home. Her live-in girlfriend was pissed!” Aaron shakes his head and looks down to the floor. His eyes start closing.

Damn, he’s drunker than I thought. She had a live-in? I can’t believe it! Karli had a live-in girlfriend.

Aaron hiccups again and his cup tips forward, spilling the leftover contents on my pants. “Shit. I’m sorry.” He starts wiping at my legs as if the liquid hasn’t already absorbed into the material.

“It’s okay.” I do my best to pretend I don’t care as the cold beer seeps its way to my skin. If this were a normal situation, I’d run to the bathroom to try and blot it out and dry off, but this isn’t typical. I need Aaron to use whatever mental clarity he has left and tell me what the hell went on. “What were you saying? About Karli’s girlfriend? Who was she?”

“Do you want me to get some napkins?” Aaron attempts to stand and falters, loses his balance, and nearly lands on me.

I’m able to guide him back down next to me before it’s a complete disaster.

“Umm, hey. There you are.” Lane walks over to us, frowning. His tone is cool and accusing. He can’t think I’m into Aaron. “Everything okay over here, Kate?”

“Yeah. Fine. I was chatting with Aaron.”

Lane’s brows pinch together as he looks from me to the drunk guy next to me. “Hey, man.” Lane reaches down to shake Aaron’s hand, then glances at me. “I was looking for you. Wanted to see if you were ready to go now?”

Lane’s timing couldn’t be worse. Just as I was about to get Aaron talking, Lane has to come find me. I’m sure it wouldn’t look good if I told Lane to leave us alone now. Not to mention I am pretty tired.

“Sure, I’m ready.”

“I’m sorry I spilled my beer on you,” Aaron says grimacing.

“It’s okay. Maybe I’ll see you around.” I reach down to shake his hand.

He grasps it. “Nice meeting you.” Aaron lets go of my hand and looks up at Lane. “Good to see you, man. Will you be around all weekend? Maybe we can get drinks at Larry’s again. You loved that bar.”

Lane gives Aaron a sideways look. “Yeah, man. Have a great night.” Lane grabs my hand and starts pulling me away from Aaron, then quickly leads me outside. “What were you guys talking about?” Lane asks when we get to his car.

Wow, was there a fire? He couldn’t get me away from Aaron fast enough. What is he hiding? “Not much. He was pretty drunk.” The last thing I want to do is go into details about our conversation. “You guys know each other?”

“Yeah. We met when I came to visit Kyle before.” Lane starts the ignition.

“I didn’t realize you’ve been to Weston.”

“Oh, I didn’t tell you? I thought I did. It was a while ago.” His tone is short and clipped. Lane starts driving away.

“No, you didn’t.” I shake my head. “We’re leaving Kyle and Willow here?”

“They wanted to stay. I wasn’t up for partying anymore.”

“Okay, I’m good with leaving.” Even though I would’ve been better with hanging out with Aaron for another half hour. I know he was on the verge of giving me information about Karli’s girlfriend. What if he told me it was Willow? The longer I’m here, the more I believe Willow was here. If I’m right, then why was she here and am I the only one in the dark about it?

The rest of the drive back to Kyle’s apartment is quiet and uneventful. My thoughts run in a million different directions. Am I the only one who doesn’t know the truth? Who’s been keeping secrets from me? Who can I trust? Nothing is making any sense.

Lane and I go to bed together, but I’m in no mood to cuddle. If Lane realizes something is wrong with me, he doesn’t address it. It’s definitely better this way. My irritation with him is rising as my sense of betrayal grows. He knows something. That’s why he was whispering with Willow in the car on the way here. And he knew Aaron, and didn’t want me talking to him. I hope I’m wrong, but it’s as if all of my friends are hiding things from me. I hope Lane isn’t. It’s something I have to address with him soon. Just not tonight. A clear head and a good night’s sleep is all I can think about.

I awake at three in the morning with an urgency to use the bathroom. I rub at my eyes and find Lane sleeping soundly next to me. I ease myself off the bed and pad my way toward the bathroom. As I go past the living room, I’m startled to see all the lights on and Willow and Karli making out on the couch. My foot steps on a squeaky floorboard, and Willow looks up and right at me.

“Kate. How long have you been standing there?” Willow is trying to fix her tousled hair.

“I just got here.”

Karli stares at me with wide eyes. “This isn’t what you think,” she says, a bit breathless.

I place my hand on my hip and scrunch my eyebrows together. “It’s not? Are you sure?” I’m tired of everyone keeping things from me. I’ve had enough. They can’t deny their relationship now. “I know you guys are together. You can stop hiding it from me.”

“Can we talk about this in the morning?” Willow sits all the way up, and Karli follows suit. Willow tugs at the bottom of her tank top. Thankfully they aren’t naked.

I shake my head. Damn. I’m tired of the waiting. “I guess,” I spit out. “But I saw you together like this the night we stayed over at the spa. It’s pointless to deny it anymore.”

Willow steals a glance at Karli and then back to me. “Okay, Katie. We’ll talk. In the morning.” Dismissing me once again.

I take a deep calming breath and say, “Yes. I didn’t mean to walk in on a private moment, but I did. I can’t change it now. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I make my way to the bathroom, and when I’m done, I walk past the couch and the girls are gone. I return to bed and fume. They’ve been caught red-handed and can’t deny it anymore. Their secret is busted wide open. I honestly can’t imagine why Willow thinks she needs to keep this from me. I would never judge her for her sexual preference. She should know that. This upsets me more than the secret itself. She didn’t trust me enough to be honest. I wonder how long she would’ve kept it from me if I didn’t catch them, and the worst part is that I’m questioning whether or not Willow is even my friend. She sure as hell isn’t acting like it.

I don’t know how long it takes me to settle down and fall asleep.

Chapter 16

“Why do we always have to come here?” Karli says as she picks at the food on her plate. “The hash browns are always mushy. I prefer them crisp.”

“Because they have the best java and cheapest prices,” Kyle says as he practically chugs his cup of coffee.

The diner is well lit, with ’50s décor. It’s bustling with college kids and locals alike.

Despite the hash browns, everyone seems to be in a good mood this morning except me. I barely slept last night after catching Willow and Karli making out on the couch. I wasn’t sure if they’d be upset with me for walking in on them, but if they are, they’re hiding it well.

“The omelet is great,” Lane says with a grin as he puts a huge bite of his Western in his mouth.

“Tonight is guys’ night,” Kyle states. “Lane, I’m taking you out. No girls allowed.”

Lane looks at me for approval.

I smile and nod. “You two have fun.” I’m happy they’re going to go out. I feel my shoulders relax. I need girl time. I’m anticipating what confessions I’ll hear this morning. Maybe more alone time with my friends will lead to more information.

“Okay. Sounds fun. What did you have in mind?” Lane says as he wipes crumbs from his toast off his cheek.

“There’s a new sports bar downtown. We can check out the game on the big screen TVs. And the waitresses wear miniskirts and half shirts.” Kyle winks at Lane. Good to see some things don’t change. Kyle is still a slimeball.

“Of course you want to go there, Kyle,” Karli huffs.

Kyle nods and laughs.

“Would you guys like more coffee?” a bubbly middle-aged waitress in a black top and pink poodle skirt asks. A few of us push our cups toward her, and she fills them. “What about you, Lauren?” The waitress looks directly at Willow.

She looks up from her plate and glances around at the table. “Who, me?”

“Yes, Lauren. Your cup is empty.”

Willow shakes her head. “That’s not my name. And I’m fine. No more coffee. Thanks.” She looks down again at her plate of chocolate chip pancakes.

The waitress stands there with one eyebrow raised and her forehead scrunched up. She pushes her cat-eye glasses up on her nose, shrugs, and walks away.

“That was weird,” Karli announces spreading her fingers out in a fan against her chest. “The waitress must be confused.”

Is she really confused? I bet she knows Willow.

“I guess so,” Willow says as she takes the last sip of her coffee. “Anyway, I’m glad we’re all here. Karli and I have something we want to tell you.” Her eyes go directly to Karli, and she nods back to Willow.

Willow lets out a long breath and says, “Karli and I want to share something with you.”

“Okay,” I say, trying to keep the huge amount of excitement out of my voice. I move my plate out of the way, rest my arms on the table, and lean in.

Willow looks up toward the ceiling and then back at Karli. “I don’t think I can.”

“I will.” Karli grabs Willow’s hand. “We are in a committed relationship. With each other,” she blurts out as if the words have been sitting there impatiently on her tongue, waiting to be freed.

We sit in silence waiting for them to continue. I wring my hands in front of me. It’s taking the last shred of patience I have to sit still.

“We’re lesbians,” Karli states with her shoulders back and eyes clear.

Finally! The truth is out.

“Please don’t judge us.” Willow’s eyes have tears forming at the corners. She dabs at them with her syrupy napkin.

“I’ll never judge you.” I look into Willow’s eyes, and her shoulders slack. This confession is clearly something she wasn’t quite ready to share. In fact, I’m convinced if it weren’t for me seeing them making out last night, she would never have come clean.

“You guys are free to do what you want with whomever you want,” Lane assures them in his comforting manner.

“Thank God.” Kyle sighs. “I’m sick of keeping your secrets.”

Wait. What? Kyle did know.

Willow shoots Kyle a death stare, then turns her attention to me. “I’m relieved to hear you say you don’t judge us. I was worried about telling you.”

Why would she think that? We’ve been best friends forever. I’m a little hurt and frankly disgusted she would even have that thought. But I digress. This moment isn’t about me. I lean closer. “I’ve always loved you, Willow. You’re my best friend. I accept all of you. You can tell me anything.” I want nothing more than for Willow to trust me with all of her secrets.

She moves plates to the side and leans across the table to hug me.

“We’re so happy you’re all supportive,” Karli says. “Willow has been worried.”

Just then our waitress comes back to the table. “Can I get you guys anything else?”

“I think we’re finished,” Lane says, tossing his napkin on his plate.

She lays the check on the table and looks at Willow while gathering our plates. “I really am sorry for the mix-up. I thought you were someone else. You must have a twin.” She laughs.

“It’s no problem. I get that sometimes.” Willow gives her a small smile.

“Let’s get out of here,” Kyle says, sliding out of the booth.

Karli stands up and stretches her arms over her head. “Margaritas tonight.”

“Sounds perfect,” Willow says as we leave the diner. For the first time since she came home, she finally looks relaxed.

***

With a long nap under my belt and the boys gone for the evening to check out waitresses in short skirts at the sports bar, we girls are relaxing in full-on pajama-party mode with our third round of margaritas.

“Keep up, Kate. I’m ready to make us more.” Karli’s holding her almost-empty glass out for all to see.

“I’m good.” I have a nice buzz. My plan is to sip this and have it be my last drink tonight. “Are you trying to get me hammered?”

“Ha! Yes. It’s girls’ night! Let loose.” Karli laughs.

“Let’s do a tequila shot,” Willow says, bounding up from her seat on the shabby old couch and heading toward the kitchen.

“Okay, just one shot. Then I am done.” Something about the alcohol makes Kyle’s tiny, dark apartment seem less claustrophobic.

“Woo-hoo,” Karli yells.

Willow brings a stack of mismatched shot glasses, a small bowl of lime wedges, and the saltshaker. She pours us each a shot and holds hers in the air. “To friendship and love.” She sets her drink down just long enough to lick and salt her hand.

Karli grabs Willow’s hand, licks the salt off, takes her shot, and jams her lime in her mouth.

I tilt my head back and laugh out loud. “You guys are so cute.” I drink the tequila down quickly, enjoying the burn and instant numbness and relaxation. “Karli, how long have you been into girls?” Clearly the alcohol is loosening my inhibitions as my filter is no longer functioning properly.

“Forever.” She blinks and pours herself another shot. “I denied it to myself and my family for a long time, but I came out in college, officially. I’ve messed around with girls all through high school. I’ve always had a thing for Willow, though.” She winks at her girlfriend.

“Aww. I never knew,” Willow says.

“I was good at hiding my feelings. It was easier to push them down than to be judged or ridiculed in Bluff Harbor.” Karli sighs and shakes her head. “College has been so much easier. People here are much more accepting.”

“Yeah.” Willow nods and tries to pour herself another shot, but her hand is unsteady and the bottle of tequila nearly tips over. She grasps it at the last second, avoiding a huge mess, and laughs. “Maybe I should lay off.” She replaces the cap.

“When did you realize you liked girls?” I ask Willow hoping she’s intoxicated to be loose-lipped.

“Hmmm. I don’t know. Not as long as Karli.” She brushes her fingertips over the back of Karli’s hand. “But I’ve always liked her vibe. She’s so certain of who she is and what she wants. It’s insanely attractive to me. It’s why I tried this lifestyle out.”

I smile from ear to ear and sit back in my chair. “You guys make a cute couple.”

“We do. And now we don’t have to hide it from you guys. It’s a huge relief for us.” Karli looks at Willow with love in her eyes.

“I want to move back here. Life is so much easier here,” Willow says.

Yeah, I heard that! “What do you mean? Move back here?” I say, trying to keep my cool.

Willow shakes her head and pushes her hair off her face. “I mean, I want to move here. It seems like it’d be easier. Ha, I’m pretty drunk.” She lets out a fake, forced laugh.

It’s all coming together now. “You were here, weren’t you?” She can’t deny it now. She just let it slip.

I fidget in my seat and stand up stiffly, tapping my foot. “I knew it was you that I saw in a picture on Instagram. It was taken in the same house we were in last night. I recognized you, but nobody else agreed. You dyed your hair dark and cut it all off.” I nod to myself and find Willow’s eyes wide, staring at me. “The waitress this morning. She knew you. She called you Lauren. Is that what you called yourself? I bet if I asked Aaron from the party, he would tell me Karli’s girlfriend’s name is Lauren. I talked to him last night.” I jut my chin out and probe Willow’s eyes with mine.

“Wait, Kate. Please slow down.” Willow puts her head down between her knees. “I don’t feel well.”

Karli rushes to her side. “Are you okay, Willow? What can I do?”

“I need water, please.”

“Okay.” Karli gets up and rushes to the kitchen.

Willow’s eyes shoot over to mine. “Please don’t say anything to anyone in Bluff Harbor. My dad...” She comes over and sits in front of me on the old brown-carpeted floor. She grabs my hands. Tears start to pool in her eyes.

I’m incredibly wounded. I want to be there for her, but this is big. Bigger than big. “Why didn’t you tell me?” My voice is ripe with hurt, and I’m suppressing rage boiling in my heart. She could’ve told me she was gay. She could’ve told me anything. Why didn’t she trust me?

“Katie.” Tears are sending trails of black mascara down her cheeks. “I didn’t know what to do.”

Heat moves up my chest and face. I say to Willow in a guttural tone, “You should’ve talked to me.”

“I know. I know it now. Please forgive me. There was so much going on. More than you know.”

Karli comes back into the dimly lit living room that only seconds ago was filled with joy and laughter, but now is heavy with truth and sadness. She hands a glass of water to Willow, who takes a big swallow. “Karli, could you please give Kate and I a few minutes? We need to talk.”

Karli looks back and forth between Willow and me. “Are you okay?” She runs her fingers over Willow’s shoulder.

Willow puts her hand over Karli’s and kisses her. “I’m going to be fine.”

“I’ll be in our room if you need me.”

“Thanks,” Willow says and gives Karli a small half-smile.

Karli shoots me a look that wavers between menacing and concerned and stomps off down the short corridor toward Kyle’s room.

Willow turns her attention to me. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.” She wipes at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. Black streaks of pain and guilt are left behind.

“What was so bad?” I struggle to understand what would make her want to disappear from her home, friends, and family. She is so loved. There is no understandable logic to her decision.

“There were so many reasons I couldn’t stay.” Her head sags down, and her hands are trembling.

My stomach sinks and I blink rapidly. “I don’t understand. Help me understand.”

“If I tell you, you have to promise me it all stays between us. You can’t tell your mom or Stella. No one.” Her eyes plead with mine. “If you don’t swear it to me, I can’t tell you any of it.”

Don’t I know how important it is to keep secrets? “I swear.”

She breathes out heavily and begins spilling the details of her disappearance. “I was confused, Kate. I was dating River, but deep down I knew I was in love with Karli. I didn’t quite fully understand my feelings.”

“We could’ve talked through that.” I run my hands through my hair.

“Maybe, but that isn’t it. River and I had sex without a condom once, and I ended up pregnant.” Her words spill out of her mouth like milk from a jug, fast and messy.

My jaw falls slack and eyes widen. “It was River’s?”

Her eyes turn toward the floor. “Yes, it was his. But I wasn’t in love with him. And I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

I begin to cry, overwhelmed with disbelief and wariness. Everything’s finally clicking into place. “Did you take a pregnancy test at Kyle’s house over Christmas break last year?”

“Yes. How do you know?” She gasps and jerks her head to the side.

“Lane told me he found a test in the garbage.” I shake my head unable to believe what I’m hearing.

“Oh, I thought I covered it up. Anyway, yes. I found out over Christmas break and knew I couldn’t keep a baby. I also knew I couldn’t have an abortion. I just couldn’t.” Fresh tears fall down her cheeks.

My stomach drops to the floor. I can’t believe she’d want to go through all of this alone. “Again, you could’ve talked to me,” I say, trying to warm my tone, but I’m sure there’s still condescension there.

“I didn’t want to say the words out loud to anyone. I thought I could confide in Karli because she was outside of our inner circle. She didn’t seem like a threat, as if I knew nobody else would have to find out. I don’t know if that makes sense to you or not. Karli recommended I buy a pregnancy test and take it at Kyle’s house. That way my parents wouldn’t find out. She met me there and stayed with me. When it was positive, she tried to convince me to tell my parents. I knew I couldn’t. It was right in the middle of Dad’s campaign. If the public found out, it could hurt his chances. My parents have been so good to me, well, my mom at least.” She stifles a sob and puts her hands to her chest. “And my dad is such a conservative homophobe. He hasn’t spoken to his brother in thirty years since he came out. He would disown me. He was always preaching to me not to have sex before marriage and not to disappoint him. The truth didn’t feel like an option.”

“So you thought it would be better to disappear?” I ask in a strangled tone. I can’t hold back anymore. I grind my teeth as my pulse speeds up. “You do realize we all thought the worst.” I pace away from her to the other end of the room.

“No, I didn’t know what to do. I went off my meds. I didn’t want to harm the baby. I wasn’t in the best frame of mind.” She shakes her head, then stares off into space. “Karli was my savior. I begged her to let me stay with her, at least until the baby was born. Then I could come back home, and no one would know I ever had a baby.”

The hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up imaging a little River out there. “What did you do with the baby?” I turn to look at her, sitting so small on the dark floor.

“I…I…I lost it.” She starts to sob and clutches her waist. “Right after Karli brought me here, I started having sharp pains and bleeding one night. I lost the baby.”

“Oh.” It’s all that will come out. I’m completely torn between trying to see things from her frame of mind and wanting to slap her in the face.

“All I could do was hide here. I was so depressed. I missed you all but couldn’t face you. Karli got me through it. She was here for me when I needed her.”

Shock starts to settle in. “When did you decide to come home?”

“It took me months to work up the nerve to go back to Bluff Harbor. I just couldn’t take being away anymore. I couldn’t stand the guilt and self-loathing. I knew what pain my mother must be in, especially after the memorial service they had for me.” Willow weeps and looks up at me. “Can you ever forgive me?”

So much is making sense now. The unanswered questions and wondering. I replay images of the memorial service in my mind, and nausea overtakes me. It’s all flooding me, threatening to drown my friendship with Willow. How could she leave us all and not tell River she was pregnant with his baby? It’s selfish and cruel. I didn’t know Willow had it in her to be that way.

“Yes, what you went through sounds terrible, but we had a memorial service for you for f’s sake! We all thought you were dead. Like gone forever. Not hiding out a pregnancy that never fully realized and being gay. We thought you were dead!” I let out a huff and wipe at my face, wet with tears. “You toyed with all our emotions, Willow. We thought the absolute worst, and here you were a few hundred miles away, living your life while we were hanging up missing person posters and talking to the radio stations, begging for your safe return. If I were truly your friend, you would’ve told me, not hidden away for six months. I was your friend. This hurts, Willow. Really f-ing hurts.”

Willow stands, moves across the room to me, and puts her hand on my shoulder. “Kate, please.”

“No, don’t touch me.” I yank my arm from her grasp and stomp to my room, slamming the door hard enough to knock a picture off the wall. I want to call Lane, but something tells me he knew.

Betrayal stings me like a swarm of angry hornets, and I don’t know who I can trust. Well, I do, but will he answer? I dial his number, hoping he will.

“Hello,” he says, his voice sluggish.

“River,” I sob into the phone.

Chapter 17

“What do you want, Kate?” River’s voice is cold and distant.

I’m not sure what I expected. “River. I need to talk to you. Please.” I want to spill my guts and tell him everything. He deserves to know the truth. We can have it all if he’d just pay attention to me.

“I’m listening.”

His coolness chills me to the bone. “I’m so sorry. For all of it,” I say between sobs.

“What’s wrong with you?” It’s not compassion I’m sensing from him but impatience.

I gather up some composure, slowing down my breaths. “I’ve had one hell of a night.”

“Where are you?”

“At Weston. I wish I was home in the Bluff so I could see you.” He’s all I want in this moment. If I’m honest, he’s all I’ve wanted since I’ve known him.

“Are you okay? What happened to you? Are you hurt?”

His first shred of concern makes my tears come faster. Hearing his words soften if only for a moment perks my spirits up. “I’m physically okay. Mentally not so much.”

“Listen, I don’t know why you’re at Weston or what happened, but it’s hardly my business. Why don’t you call Lane? He’s your boyfriend, right.” It’s contempt I hear now.

“I’m done with him. It’s over.” It’s such a relief to say that out loud.

He lets out a sigh. “Kate. You’ve run me over the coals. What are you trying to do to me?”

“I’m trying to tell you how bad I feel about everything. About us. About the way I treated you. You didn’t deserve it. I know that now.” The words spill out in a mess fueled by tequila, rage, sadness, and disappointment. “I fucked up, big time. I never should have pushed you back to Willow. She didn’t deserve you. If I could go back, I would do everything different. It’s probably too late, but please forgive me. Take me back.”

He’s silent.

“River.”

“No. I won’t take you back. You’ve hurt me too much. I’m happy you realize now that what you did was wrong. What I told you all along was wrong. You’re right it’s too late. I can’t be here for you anymore. I’m done. Please stop calling me. I can’t do it.”

“Oh.” Tears are free falling now, making it almost impossible to speak. I take a shaky breath. “Okay, River. I understand.”

There’s stillness on the other line so I wonder if he’s hung up. “Are you still there?” I ask, heart aching and head pounding.

“Yes.”

I hold my breath. What can I say to change his mind? There has to be something. But what? “Are you sure?” Could I get any lamer? He sounded pretty damn certain.

“I’m sure. This is the way things have to be now. It’s going to be hard, but in time you’ll get over it. Now go to bed. You sound exhausted.”

“Okay. I am. Thank you.” He’s right. I’m beside myself I’m so exhausted.

“Goodbye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

“I love you.”

He’s gone, along with all hope of us ever getting back together. I didn’t realize it was possible to feel more broken tonight, but I do. I drop onto the bed, pull my knees to my chest, and stare at the wall.

***

I’m still wide-awake hours later when Lane comes to bed. I’ve cried until my eyes won’t produce any more tears. I’m emotionally and physically drained, yet my body still can’t find sleep.

It’s not a surprise when I hear Lane stumbling around in the dark, no doubt the result of a few too many at boys’ night. I face away from his side of the bed, but when he lies next to me, he puts a warm arm around my waist and pulls me in tight.

I swallow hard past the raw scratchy patch in my throat. I lay still as stone. Tonight was so unexpected. It had been obvious for a while that Willow was keeping something huge from me, but to finally be confronted with the truth hurts worse than I could ever imagine. I couldn’t be more disappointed in her. Now I’m left with pain so deep I’m not sure I’ll ever heal. My supposed best friend is the most selfish person I’ve ever met. Deep down, I believe Lane knew.

I can’t lay here for another second not knowing the truth. “How drunk are you?”

“I didn’t realize you were still awake.” Lane didn’t slur his words too much.

“Can’t sleep. I need to have a talk with you now. Are you too drunk to have a serious conversation?” I roll over and face him. The room is dark, so I can’t make out much of his face. It doesn’t seem right to not be face to face, though.

“Shit. This doesn’t sound good.” He sighs and we lay in silence. He leans over and turns on the dim light on the nightstand. “Are you okay?” His eyes scan my face.

I nod.

“Okay, I’m fine to talk. What’s on your mind?” His voice is soft and full of wonder.

“I need you to be honest with me, okay?” I say, toneless.

“Okay.”

My pulse quickens. “Did you know about Willow? When she was missing?”

His mouth falls slack for a moment, then he says, “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you say anything to me? To anyone?” I’m so incredibly disappointed in him. For all the years I’ve known Lane Powers, he’s been the kindest, most truthful, and sincerest person I’ve ever met. I break eye contact and swallow hard.

“It wasn’t my story to tell, Kate,” he explains.

I didn’t think it was possible to cry anymore, but tears form and Lane wipes at them with his thumb. “I was so worried about her and her family. All the searching and hoping and wondering could have been avoided if you would’ve told someone.”

“Fuck.” Lane shakes his head and closes his eyes. When he reopens them, they glisten with tears yet to fall. “I was tortured by this. I honestly didn’t know what the hell to do.”

“You should’ve told,” I say, my voice just above a whisper. I melt into the bed, my strength gone.

“Maybe, but she said she was going back home as soon as she had everything sorted out. I didn’t want to keep it from everyone, but I also didn’t want to ruin Willow’s plans. She was a total mess. Everything was fucked up, and Kyle was helping her and Karli. I don’t know why he ended up telling me about it. Maybe because I was going to visit him and he was worried I would see her there. I don’t know. I just…I made a promise and I kept it. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

I sob, confused and upset. Lane tries to wrap his arms around me, and I flinch away. I hop out of the bed like there’s a fire between the sheets.

It’s time I come to terms with new truths—truths about my best friend and about my feelings toward Lane. His actions are inconceivable. He stood by and watched us hang up missing person posters and hold a memorial service. Who does that? I guess Lane, the guy I thought I knew so well. The guy who I used to believe was trustworthy and honest. Ha! What a joke.

And now here I am in the same predicament. Willow told me her story about moving here, about her pregnancy and miscarriage, and I’m left with the same burden as Lane. What am I going to do with her dirty secrets? It’s probably best if I cut them all out of my life. I’m moving to New York City soon, and I’ll make new friends there.

I’m pissed at Lane, and our relationship is over. The quintessential chemistry needed for any relationship is gone now, and what’s worse is that I can’t be with a guy like him.

“Please, Kate.” Lane stands up. His eyes are saucers, and he clutches the back of his neck.

“No. It’s over.” I cross my arms in front of me. “You lied to me. And this isn’t a small lie. It’s friggin’ huge. How could you?”

“I know now how wrong it was to keep it from you,” he says.

“See. The keyword is now. You should’ve known then, when it was important…before we had a memorial service,” I bite out.

“I know,” he says.

I jab my finger at him. “‘I know’ isn’t good enough.”

He lowers his head to his chest and says, “Are you saying you hate me?”

“I’m beside myself, and I’m afraid you’re completely missing the point here. I was in a relationship with you. You said you cared for me. If that were true, you would’ve told me.”

“Shit,” he says gruffly, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m done.” My nerves are shot. I stride toward our bedroom door.

“Wait.” Lane rushes to me and lightly grabs my arm.

I look at his hand and he drops it.

“Let’s talk about this. We can work through it.”

“Let me go. There’s nothing more to say. I’m sleeping on the couch.” My mind has been pushed to its limits. If I had a car, I’d be out of here. And if anyone in the house wasn’t drunk, I’d have them drive me, but there’s not a sober soul to be found.

“But—”

“I mean it.” I look into his defeated eyes. “If you care for me at all, you’ll leave me alone.”

Sadness envelops me as I drag myself to the couch and sag into it. Sadness from the knowledge that my so-called friends betrayed me. And Lane, he’s just not good for me. We’ve all done things we regret, things we wish we could take back. This mistake is unforgettable.

It’s nine twenty in the morning when my cell phone chimes me to life. I flop off the couch and scan the room with scratchy eyes, finding it on top of my purse. It’s a number from the Bluff Harbor area, but I don’t recognize it. Something tells me to answer it.

“Hello,” I say into the receiver with a scratchy voice.

“Is this Kate?” A female voice is on the other side.

“Yes.”

“Kate, it’s Peg McEwan. There’s been an accident. Can you come to the hospital right away?”

An accident? River. Oh my God.

I just talked to River last night. It was a clusterfuck. Why I thought it was a good idea to call him after my blow out with Willow, I’ll never know. But I did. And now I’m certain of his feelings for me.

“What happened? Is it River? Is he okay?” The words spill out of my lips so fast, I’m not sure Peg could make them out.

“It was his motorcycle. I told him not to get the damned thing. He didn’t listen to me. Can you come here?” She clears her throat.

My knees threaten to give out. What was he thinking? This could be terrible. I have to get home as soon as possible. “Yes. I’ll be there. I’m not in town, but I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Okay. I have to go,” she says in a shaky voice.

“Mrs. McEwan, please, don’t hang up before you tell me if he’s going to be all right?” I implore.

“I hope so. He’s in the CT scanner now. Please get here.”

The line goes dead.

I’m in shock. River is injured. He was on his motorcycle, and now he’s having a CT scan. And Peg McEwan wants me there. Why does Peg want me there? For the first time in my life, I had a conversation with River’s mom that was borderline civil. She was sad, desperate, and most surprisingly, vulnerable.

I have to get home as fast as possible. A quick search on my phone reveals a bus leaving in thirty minutes for Bluff Harbor. I walk into the kitchen and find Kyle awake in only a pair of pajama bottoms, eating a bagel. It looks as if he is my only option.

I gather my courage and say, “Hey, I need a favor.”

He arches a brow at me. “Yeah, what?”

“How far is the bus station from here?”

“About ten minutes. Why?”

I march to the table, wring my hands together, and stand as close to him as my nerves will allow. “Would you mind driving me there? I have to get home as soon as possible, and Lane is asleep.”

He sits there chewing his food and staring at me with steel blue eyes. “Okay. Let me get a shirt on and grab my keys.”

I’m stunned Kyle is willing to do anything for me. It’s no secret we don’t care for each other. “Thank you.”

I sneak into the room I shared with Lane and quietly grab my overnight bag.

Standing in the kitchen, I wait for Kyle, who seems to be taking his sweet ass time. When he finally reappears, I’m tapping my foot.

“Did you find your keys?”

“Yeah. They’re right here.” He swings the key ring around his finger. He then leisurely walks to go to the cupboard and pulls out a travel coffee cup.

“Is there anything I can do to help you so we can get out of here faster?” It’s impossible for me to keep the impatience from my voice.

He glances at me, and then he fills his traveler with steaming-hot liquid. “Why are your panties up in a bunch?”

“I can’t miss the next bus.” I look at my watch and rush out the door, hoping Kyle will follow behind me. When I’m at his car, of course the door is locked. Thankfully he is right there he unlocks them.

“I hope this isn’t too much of an inconvenience to you,” I say to Kyle after he starts the ignition and buckles his seat belt. Being in the car calms me. It’s one step closer to getting home to River.

“No big deal. What’s your hurry to get home?”

“My mother needs me.” The lie comes quick to my tongue. No way am I sharing anything about River with Kyle.

“Oh.”

I wring my hands in my lap. Why does he have to make me so nervous? “I know everything.” I blurt it out for fear that if I don’t, I won’t say it at all.

He looks at me with a knitted brow, then back at the road. “What do you know?”

“About you helping Willow. I can’t believe you helped her. Why?” I have no idea what’s got into me. Where is this courage coming from?

He just keeps his eyes trained on the road for what feels like forever. “I did it because I owed Karli a favor, and she’s my family. How do you know? I didn’t think she was going to tell anyone.”

“They told me. Last night,” I say.

“Okay.” He turns his head to merge into traffic on the highway. “If I acted like a total dick to you all the time, I apologize. It’s just that…I felt like you could see right through me.” He stares at me for just a moment, and a slight chill moves down my spine.

“Well, you were acting like a jerk, that’s for sure.”

“Sorry. I know you’re Willow’s best friend, and it wasn’t easy for you when she was gone.”

Whoa. I never thought I’d hear anything sincere coming out of Kyle Powers’s mouth. I didn’t think he was capable. “Thanks for the apology. I appreciate it. Can you tell me now why you and River got in that huge fight at the Christmas dance?”

He purses his lips together before he says, “Oh yeah, River came outside when Willow and I were having a disagreement. I kept telling her she needed to stop lying to everyone and tell the truth about what happened.” Kyle pushes the accelerator too fast, and my head jerks forward.

“Makes sense.” I rub the back of my neck.

“Well, she didn’t see it that way. She was so mad at me for even suggesting it. We kept going back and forth. She had had a few drinks and picked a fight with me about it. I was pissed. All this time I helped her and covered for her, and she was picking a fight with me.”

He lets out a noisy breath and cracks his knuckles.

“I had no idea what was going on, and of course she wouldn’t tell me.” I look out the window remembering when River bloodied Kyle’s face. It was a horrible night all around.

“When River came out looking for Willow, she was whacking me in the chest and yelling at me. That’s all he saw. He went into defense mode and came at me. I didn’t even see him coming. The dude was incredibly fired up. I tried punching him back, but he was like the freakin’ Hulk. It was brutal,” he says with an edge of irritation in his tone.

“That’s terrible. No wonder Willow came back with us to make sure you were okay. At the time, I told her to go with River, but she wanted nothing to do with him. It didn’t make sense that she would care what happened to you.”

“Ha!” He lets out a deep, throaty laugh.

“You were an asshole to her when you dated.” He was such a terrible boyfriend to Willow. They didn’t date for long before he cheated on her.

“True. I like to play the field. I’m not one to settle down. But I did come through for her and Karli. That’s why she wanted to make sure I was okay that night. She definitely felt responsible for my ass kicking.”

Thinking back on that evening, I have guilt about Kyle getting beaten up. Willow had nothing to do with it. River was seriously pissed at me. I hurt him by telling him the lie about me sleeping with Lane and Kyle ended up being the target for River’s jealous rage. Poor guy.

“Are you going to tell anyone?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I wonder if Willow will.” This is truly a shitty place to be. It’s not right. Willow has kept this huge secret from the people closest to her. And now I know the truth. If I betray her trust and tell people, what would it accomplish now? I am just now beginning to understand the stress this must have put on Kyle and Lane.

“Don’t get your hopes up.”

I can’t worry about this now. I need to get home and see River. “You’re right, not my decision.” We pull into the parking lot of the bus station. “Thanks for the ride, Kyle.”

“No problem.”

I grab my bag, get out of the car, and go into the bus station to get my ticket back to River.

I go directly to the hospital after the five-hour-long bus ride back to Bluff Harbor. My nerves are fried. The strong, unmistakable smell of hospital disinfectant assaults my nose. I text River’s mother as soon as I arrive, and she meets me by the entrance. Her eyes are red rimmed and swollen, and her face is pale. Her normally impeccable clothes and makeup are replaced with a sweatshirt and jeans and bare skin. I like her this way—real, fragile, and vulnerable.

“Oh, Kate. It’s terrible. I can’t believe he thought it was a good idea to ride that stupid motorcycle last night. It started sleeting and he was driving too fast around a blind curve. We’re lucky he’s still alive.” She brings her hand up and rests it on her chest. Half of her nail polish looks to have been picked off.

My heart sinks. I don’t know what I’ll do if River doesn’t make it. I ran over and over all of the scenarios and possibilities on my way home. Several times I went into the bathroom to dry heave. I wish Mrs. McEwan had given me more information on the phone. The mind can take you to awful places without information. What was he thinking?

“Oh. Wow. Is he okay? Can I see him?”

“Yes. Let’s walk upstairs to his room. I’ll explain what they’ve found so far.” She points toward a set of elevators.

We go upstairs to River’s room, and I’m in a complete fog. What am I going to see?

“River was brought to the hospital in an ambulance. Someone driving by in a car saw him and called 911,” Mrs. McEwan says.

I take a deep breath and cringe, thinking of River being thrown off a motorcycle. How long was he there alone? I can’t take this anymore.

“He was covered in blood and unconscious last night. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him.” She shakes her head as she looks off in the distance. “Thankfully this morning he regained consciousness.”

“Oh, thank goodness for that.” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

“Yes.” She nods. “He had a CT scan this morning that found he has a concussion. He’s also got a broken hand, but everything should heal.”

“Sounds like he is very lucky.” And I am very lucky.

“Yes, he is.”

“Can I ask you why you called me? It’s no secret you haven’t approved of River and I having a relationship.” There. I asked the million-dollar question. It’s been on my mind since I heard her voice at the other end of the line this morning.

Mrs. McEwan stopped walking and looked right at me with her piercing blue eyes, so much like River’s. Her normal stern expression was replaced with something softer and borderline compassionate. “Right before the CT scan, he started asking for you to be here. He kept muttering your name. He hasn’t said much that was coherent since he came to this morning. That’s when I called you.”

“He asked for me?” I’m certain my jaw hit the floor. River essentially told me to go to hell last night and left me out to dry alone.

“Yes. Several times.”

“Thank you for calling me.” I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her to swallow her pride and get in touch with me, the girl she strongly dislikes.

“Thank you for coming.” She gently touches my shoulder and nods her head down the hall. “Let’s get to him.”

We make our way down the hall to River’s room. Stopping just outside the door, Mrs. McEwan says, “He’s pretty banged up. Be ready for it.”

Chapter 18

I mentally prepare myself for what I’m about to see and take a few deep breaths to steady myself. My palms start to sweat, and my pulse speeds. I have no idea what “pretty banged up” means. I steel myself for one last moment to set my shoulders back and focus on staying calm before walking into the unknown.

River lies still in the bed, asleep. Most of his body is covered in blankets. His left hand is in a cast with his fingers, swollen, black and blue, hanging out the end. He’s got scrapes and bandages scattered over his right eye and arm.

I hesitate there by the door, staring. Even broken and bruised, he’s still the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on. My legs get weak, and my head feels like it weighs one hundred pounds.

“Kate, come sit down,” Ed McEwan says as he stands up from the chair seated next to River’s bed. “You’re as pale as a ghost. Are you going to be okay?”

I quickly make my way to the seat and land like a ton of bricks on the hard hospital chair. “Yes, I’ll be fine. I just need a minute.” I sit still and try to collect myself in front of River’s mother and father. The faint feeling passes with some deep breathing and the cool water Peg gives me to drink.

“Thank you for coming. We know it’ll mean a great deal to River to have you here,” Mr. McEwan says, full of compassion and sincerity.

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.” Especially since he asked for me to be here.

“He’s been resting. The doctors say this is the best thing for him. But if you want to talk to him, he might wake up,” Mrs. McEwan says.

“Peg, let’s give her some time with him.”

“Sure, we’ll be out in the hall if he wakes up and asks for us,” she says.

“Of course,” I tell them.

They leave the room, and I’m left alone with River, the only guy I’ve ever loved. “Hey.” I gently grab his uninjured hand, stroking it gently, careful to not touch his IV.

He doesn’t stir.

“What were you thinking?” I ask, my tone harsher than I want it to be. I take it down a notch and continue. “You should never have been riding your motorcycle in the sleet. How could you be so destructive?” His behavior lately is definitely not like him. He’s normally so much more controlled and thinks things through. Rational. “Why are you acting this way? It’s not okay. Don’t you understand how much I love you? My world would be shattered if anything happened to you.” Tears form at the corner of my eyes.

River lies still, unaffected by my confession.

If he were awake, I’d tell him the same thing. This accident has helped me realize how close I came to losing him. I don’t want to be without him ever again. I want him in my life, at whatever capacity he’ll allow. I’d love nothing more than to be here for him and help him heal from his injuries. I want to talk to him every day and touch his skin and kiss him.

Will he still want me? Probably not, especially after our phone call last night. He made it pretty clear. I don’t deserve him. I cast him aside and jumped into a relationship with Lane, though not actually a true relationship. I kept trying to convince myself that it was, but it was never real. I lied to him about sleeping with Lane, knowing it would hurt him enough to stay away. I was so concerned with Willow’s happiness that I never considered mine or River’s. How could I have been so thoughtless? And she didn’t even want him, or me, for that matter. What a mess.

“Were you being reckless because of me, River? Because of our last conversation or because I messed us up so bad?” I doubt this even as I ask, but can’t figure out what else could be affecting him so negatively. I hurt him on purpose. I can only hope he’ll forgive me. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I never wanted to hurt you. But I know that’s exactly what I did. I hurt both of us. It was a mistake to run to Lane. He never had my heart. I was stupid to think he could take your place. I hope I haven’t ruined us forever. I love you.”

I sit in the stillness of the room and listen to machines monitoring River’s vital signs. I’m tired and beat down from the weekend. I let the tears fall freely. I’m sad and upset about what Willow has confessed, but oddly relieved for her as well. She was able to take her mask off for me. If only she could do the same for everyone else in her life.

It’s time to follow Willow’s example and stop the façade and be true to myself. Stop putting everyone else in front of my own happiness.

River begins to stir, slowly moving his head in my direction. His deep blue’s open wide. They are bloodshot and forlorn. The corners of his mouth sag. He starts shaking his head as he scans the room.

“It’s okay. Your parents are just outside the room if you want me to go get them.” Fear peppers my tone.

In a harsh gravelly voice, he says, “N-no.”

“All right. What do you need?” My heart hammers in my chest, and I wonder if he can hear it.

“Why are you here?” His voice is strained, and I realize he probably shouldn’t be talking.

“Your mother called me. I came as soon as I heard you were hurt.”

“Leave.” His words are imperceptible.

“What?” Wait, did he just ask me to go? My cheeks flame. I stand and lean closer to him.

“Just leave.” He’s getting upset. He’s trying to point his finger toward the door.

I gasp. His mother said he was asking for me this morning. Now he’s acting like I’m the devil and wants me out of here. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. Go.” His eyes, full of anger move from me to the opposite side of the room. It’s clear I can’t get out of here fast enough for him.

“Okay.” I grab my jacket and falter, dropping it to the ground. I reach for it and make my way to the door. I look back at him, and he still won’t make eye contact. “Please call me if you need anything.” I stand trembling and wait for a response but get nothing.

His mother is just outside the door as I exit. “Are you leaving already?” she asks with surprise in tone.

“Yes, he asked me to go,” I say, my voice shaking.

“He woke up?”

“He did. And within seconds of being awake, he asked me to leave.” I almost begin to cry again but swallow hard and breath deep through my nose.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She covers her mouth with her hands.

“It’s not your fault,” I say past the thick lump forming in my throat. Initially, I wondered if she set me up, but it doesn’t appear that way. Although, who knows. It looks like I’m not the best judge of character these days.

“Kate, I’m not good at saying I was wrong, but I shouldn’t have interfered with you and River’s relationship. For that, I am truly sorry.” She nods her head.

“Thank you for your honesty.” Mrs. McEwan has totally shocked me today. Never did I think she would apologize to me or take the blame for her past actions. She didn’t have to call me when River asked for me. I can’t imagine what it took for her to do it. I’m thankful she did reach out to me, even if River asked me to leave. At least I got to see him and know he’s going to be okay.

“You’re welcome. I’m going to go in and talk to him now. I don’t want to leave him alone for too long.” She smooths her hair back and her sweatshirt down. “If he asks for you again, do you mind if I call you?”

“Not at all. I’ll be here for him whenever he wants.” I know in my heart he won’t be asking for me.

“Great. Thanks again for coming.” Peg gives me a small smile and goes into River’s room.

Once I get into the elevator, the tears fall freely down my cheeks. He’s finally done with me.

***

Despite my best efforts to avoid Willow for the past several weeks, she finally corners me on campus.

“Kate, please wait,” Willow says. She seems winded. Who knows how far she has just run to track me down.

“Hey.”

“I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for over a week now. Why are you avoiding me?” The corners of her mouth point down. The disappointment in her voice is obvious.

“I needed time.” Truth be told, I have a few reasons. I’ve been working through my feelings about her betrayal and the guilt, depression, and pain I suffered because of her. I want to forgive her and move on, but it’s taking time. I also need to come clean about River. In the spirit of full disclosure, I want it out there.

“Yeah, I understand. Do you have class now or can you meet me for a coffee?” Willow asks, her eyes pleading with mine.

I hesitate, but realize I have to face her. “I have time. Let’s go.”

We drive separately to the local coffee shop. I get there before her, and the smell of freshly ground coffee tickles my nose. I order an Americano and a blueberry muffin. When Willow arrives, she orders her coffee and muffin, and we sit in our favorite spot in the corner in the comfy oversized chairs we used to love.

“Thanks for meeting with me,” Willow says, swinging her legs back and forth.

“Of course.” I nod.

“It’s okay. I dropped a bomb on you before you left Weston last month. And then you left so quickly without telling me. I know it’s a lot to process.” The volume of Willow’s voice goes up a few octaves.

“Yeah, it was.” All I wanted was to get home to River as soon as possible.

“I tried to give you some time. I got impatient.” Willow blows on her coffee and takes a slow sip.

“I’ve been working through it. I think I understand why you did it, but still don’t know why you didn’t tell me. We could’ve worked something out.”

She sighs and looks off in the distance. “I was in crisis mode, Kate. I love you and trust you, but I didn’t know how to handle being pregnant and in love with a woman at the same time. I stopped taking my anxiety and depression meds because I wasn’t sure if they were okay to take while pregnant. It was a mess, and I didn’t want to bring you into it.”

I can’t imagine what her state of mind must’ve been. No meds, pregnancy hormones, and a secret relationship with Karli, all the while dating River. That was a mess. “My God, Willow, how did you handle all of that?”

“I wasn’t doing well. I tried my best to hide it from everyone, except Karli. When I found out I was pregnant, she was with me, and she agreed I should have it and give it up for adoption. She knew Kyle would help us if she asked him to. I was surprised he’d be willing to help me, but he did, and I’m forever grateful.” She sags in her seat, letting her small shoulders relax.

“Wow, I’m really shocked he helped you too.” I’ve never known Kyle to be anything but an ass. That is until he drove me to the bus station last month.

“Karli helped bail him out once when he got a girl pregnant. He owed Karli money still and never wanted anyone to know. The arrangement we had worked out for everyone.”

“That’s good, I guess.” Of course Kyle, the player, got a girl pregnant.

“Yes, it was. At the time, I saw no other way out. Abortion wasn’t an option, and neither was wandering around the Bluff with a baby bump.” She shakes her head.

“Can you imagine what my dad might have done if he found out I was pregnant? His unmarried young daughter. And gay. Wouldn’t have worked out well at all.”

“So you left town and didn’t tell anyone to save your father from embarrassment?” I can’t keep the hard edge from my voice.

“Pretty fucked up, I know.” She snorts. “I would rather go missing than deal with the backlash of my father.” She starts laughing almost uncontrollably.

I know Mr. Roger Peterson quite well, actually. He can be ruthless when it comes to his political career. At times to the fault of affecting his family. Her mother, Laura, like a soft pillow, tries to cushion his harshness with her extreme kindness. There’s no amount of buffering that could stifle his crass behavior.

“It’s over now. You made your choices.”

“I can’t tell them, Kate. I know you think I should.” Her eyes blink rapidly.

“At first, yes. Before I knew all the facts, I definitely thought you should tell them. But now I’m not so sure.” Her father can be a loose cannon. Why risk it now? He’s happy she’s home, and all seems to be well. “Maybe one day you can tell your mother?”

“I don’t know if I want to put her in that position. She’d have to hide it from my dad.” She sighs before taking another sip of her coffee. “I will make an appointment with my shrink. It’s important I work through my shit. I lost a baby, too. I still haven’t gotten over that.”

“I can’t imagine how difficult it must’ve been.”

She wipes at the corner of her eyes with her sleeve. “It was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. I never wanted a baby of my own, but I did want to give her to someone.”

I go to her and sit on the corner of her chair and gently rub her back. There are no words I can offer that can make sense of such a loss.

She looks up at me and smiles through glossy eyes.

“Remember the night we all went out to dinner and you got in an argument with River? It wasn’t long before you disappeared. The night you walked out without an explanation.” Now that truths are coming to light, I want to know everything.

“Sure. I was a stone-cold bitch that night. How could I forget?” A harsh laugh escapes her lips.

“Why? What was going on? You told me you were getting your period.” That was one of the first evenings I noticed a chink in the armor of their relationship.

“It was the exact opposite of me getting my period. I was late. I told River the week before that I had it, but didn’t. I took a pregnancy test that day. I was beside myself. I had no idea what to do.” She rubs absently at her arms.

“Oh.” Everything makes sense now. I’m sure I would’ve been thrown off too if I just had a positive pregnancy test. She suffered so much alone. Another memory sparks to light. “Hey, did you ever come back into town and drive by me one night?”

“Huh? No way. Would’ve been too risky to come back here.” She shakes her head.

“I could’ve sworn you passed me. It was snowing pretty hard that night, though,” I say with a shrug. “What about butt dials? Did your phone ever call mine?”

She laughs and the corners of her eyes crease up. “No butt dials that I’m aware of.”

God, I love her laugh. “Okay, just checking.” I file through the memories and strange coincidences from when she was gone and come up with nothing more.

“Do you think you can forgive me for fucking up?” she asks.

“Give me more time.”

I get up and go back to my chair, preparing myself for the conversation I’ve been dreading for quite some time. “I hope you’ll be able to forgive me,” I say.

Her eyes widen and she tilts her head. “Uh oh. What?”

“It’s just that…” I shake my head, conflicted. Part of me feels like the biggest jerk in the world for having to tell her I was in love with her boyfriend. You can’t break girl code any harder than that. But she got pregnant, ran away, allowed everyone to assume she was dead, didn’t tell me, so maybe girl code was broken a long time ago? “You know after you left, it was difficult for me to do much of anything.”

“Yeah, makes sense.”

“Well, I got matched up with River for a school project, and it was the first time we talked after you disappeared.” I pick at my muffin, but have lost my appetite.

“Why did you guys stop talking?” she asked.

“I’m not sure. Initially, I waited for him to talk to me, but he didn’t. I never initiated a conversation, assuming he was pissed at me for not being with you the night you went missing. That’s why I stopped talking to him. I believe it’s why he cut off communication with me as well. Then he got pissed at me, because I never believed you were dead, when he and everyone else wanted closure.”

“That was dumb. You guys could’ve leaned on each other. You’ve always been friends with River. And I understand why people wanted to move on. But thank you for standing up for me.”

“I know. You would’ve thought that, but exactly the opposite happened. Until we had to start working together. Then everything changed. We developed feelings for each other.” I sit and wait, fiddling with my necklace, and gauge her reaction. I expect her jaw to drop to the floor. I expect her to judge me and start bitching at me.

“Wow. That’s cool. Why did things end? Was he an ass to you?” She takes a bite of her muffin and moans a little.

My mouth hangs open. I’m baffled. “Wait, you’re not upset with me?”

“No, why would I be? I left. You didn’t know if I’d ever come home. It’s normal for these things to happen.” Willow shifts her legs underneath her. So casual, as if I didn’t just drop a bomb on her.

“Okay, I assumed you’d hate me.” I slouch back in my chair. I still don’t know how I feel about Willow, but am relieved she’s not pissed at me about River.

She laughs. “Absolutely not. You know now I’m in love with Karli. It was never meant to be with River and I. Why did you guys end things?”

“Because you came home.” I scoff. Isn’t it obvious? “You needed him by your side, so I broke things off with him.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.” She shakes her head.

Oh, you think? Here again, if she decided to do the right thing and be truthful with me, this entire debacle could’ve been avoided. “How was I supposed to know you weren’t going to want to be with him? When you left, you guys were happy. I thought you had amnesia and would need him. It broke my heart to break things off with him, you b—”

Willow cuts me off. “Oh, Kate. I really did make a mess of things. Shit, I’m so sorry. Did you love him?”

“Yes, very much. He loved me too.” I fight to hold back tears. “When I broke up with him, I started dating Lane shortly after. Turns out it was a monumentally bad idea. I didn’t care for Lane the way I needed to. It was a rebound thing. It upset Lane and pissed off River, and I’m not sure he’ll ever forgive me.”

“Give River some time,” she says with confidence in her tone.

“I’m not so sure.” My coffee is the perfect temperature. I sip on it as we sit in an awkward silence. Since we’re here, I’m going to get answers for everything. She’s outed herself to me, and I deserve closure on this. “Hey, remember the night I saw you and Calista talking at the New Year’s Eve party?” I tilt my head to the side.

She looks off in the distance for a moment and nods. “Yeah.”

“What was she telling you? You guys were in deep conversation.”

She laughs. “That girl is such trouble. I never even took her seriously, but she was trying to tell me you and River were an item when I was gone.” She shakes her head and looks up at the ceiling. “It was of such little concern to me that I totally blew it off.”

“I knew it. She’s such a bitch. Always trying to cause problems every chance she can get. I hate her so much.” My voice rises higher. “She’s obsessed with River.”

“Some things never change.” She sighs. “I saw River on campus yesterday. He looks good. And he said his cast comes off this week. He seemed to be in good spirits.”

I’ve seen him in class a few times, but he won’t look at me, much less have a conversation with me. I’ve texted him a few times, but he hasn’t responded at all. “Great news.”

“He’s excited to start practice for summer lacrosse.” She finishes the last of her coffee. “I bet River will learn to forgive you.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Just a feeling, I guess. He’s a great guy. You guys have been friends forever. You’ve been through some shitty things together. I’d try talking to him again soon.”

I’m glad she has confidence about my relationship with River. It’s more than I have. I can only hope he will one day forgive me and we can at least be friends. “Thank you for not getting upset with me and for your assurance.”

She smiles and says, “No problem at all.”

Just then I notice Grace McCrae and Lane come in the coffee shop, giggling. I study them as they walk toward the counter and order. She puts her hand on his back and points to the case with pastries.

“Did you see Lane and Grace walk in?” I ask Willow.

“No.” She spins around in her seat to look at them. “Are they here together?”

“Looks that way. They came in together.” They haven’t noticed me staring at them yet.

“They look pretty close, don’t you think?” Her eyes widen.

“Definitely,” I say.

“Does it bother you?”

“Not at all. Grace always says nice things about Lane. And I never really told her we were kind of dating.”

Lane slips his hand on Grace’s back as they make their way to the pickup area. He leans in and whispers something in her ear that makes her tip her head back and laugh. They’re obviously together. I sit and wait for it, the claws of jealousy to grip my heart, but they don’t. All I feel is happy. They’re perfect together.

Once they have their coffees, they turn toward the seating area, and Lane notices me first. His big brown eyes find mine, and he gives me a small grin. His gaze shifts to Grace and back to me. Grace sees us, and they both make their way over to where we’re seated.

“Hey, ladies,” Grace says.

“Hi.” Lane lifts his hand in an awkward wave. “Hey, Kate. Can I talk to you for a sec?” His tone is serious.

“Yeah, sure.” I stand to give Grace a hug. “Take my seat. We’ll be right back.”

Grace looks from me to Lane, confused, and nods. “Okay. Everything all right?

“Yeah, I need to run something by Kate. I’ll be right back.” Lane leads me just outside the doors. The temperature is rising, but there’s still a chill in the air, and I left my coat inside. I cross my arms and rub them, attempting to warm myself.

“Are you cold? I can give you my jacket.” Lane starts to take his coat off.

I shake my head, refusing it. It’s an intimate gesture, and I want nothing to do with anything of Lane Powers’s. “No, I’m fine. What’s up?” I do my best not to shiver or look cold.

Lane sighs and stares directly at me with his sad brown eyes. “First of all, I hate how things went down at Weston. I feel like shit for everything I put you through.” He looks down at his feet with a pained expression on his face. “We can’t go back and change things, and I’m not asking you to forget what I did, but I am asking for your forgiveness.” His voice loses power, as if all the wind has been taken out of his sails.

I circle my fingertips around my temples and shut my eyes, closing out the world for a second. Lane used to be my friend before he withheld information about Willow. I don’t know if I can ever be his friend again like before, but I don’t blame him. “I forgive you.”

Lane leans in and brings his arms up as if he’s going to hug me. “Thank y—”

“No, Lane,” I say in the sternest tone I can muster. “I’m not there yet. I’m still hurt. I hope I’ll get through it, but for now, know I forgive you. That’s all I can offer.”

He takes a cautious step back and nods. “Okay. Thank you. I’m not sure if this means anything to you, but I want to tell you Grace and I are talking. It’s not serious yet, but I haven’t spoken to you. I didn’t want to surprise you,” he says with concern in his tone.

“Great. I’m happy for you guys.” I give him my sincerest smile. I don’t know what he thought my reaction would be. I made it clear I didn’t want anything to do with him during our last conversation.

“Really?” The corners of his lips move up.

“Yes. Really. It’s good news. You guys both deserve to be happy.” Grace thinks he’s great and will give him what I couldn’t. Her heart. I hope he doesn’t break hers.

“I’m so relieved. I was worried you’d be upset with me.”

“No, not at all,” I say. I wait for a pang of jealousy, but feel none.

“You don’t think it’s too soon?” He leans his body in closer to mine.

I shake my head. It’s beyond me why he thinks he needs approval from me. “It’s never too soon to be happy.”

“Thanks, Kate. I sincerely hope you find what makes you happy soon.” His hand comes up to my shoulder and he gives it a squeeze.

I give him a tight smile. “Yeah, me too.”

Just then, Grace and Willow come outside. Grace goes to the crook of Lane’s arm and he pulls her to his side. “Did Lane tell you we’ve been hanging out?” Grace asks with a perma-grin from ear to ear.

“He did. Good luck to you both,” I add more excitement to my tone than I did with Lane. Grace, as far as I know, didn’t know anything about Willow’s disappearance. I don’t know where things will lead the two of them, but I hope Lane is more honest with her than he was with me.

“Yes, and stay sweet to each other,” Willow chimes in. She comes up next to me and hands me my jacket. “I’ve got to run back up to campus. I’ve got class in ten minutes. Can I call you sometime?”

“Okay, I’ll call you,” I say.

Willow looks at me with weary eyes. “Yeah, I’ll look forward to it.”

We all watch as Willow shuffles to her car. Her signature red hair is finally growing in, and her curls bounce just at the tops of her shoulders as she moves. The beautiful auburn and chestnut tones shine in the sunlight. Lane and Grace seem to be happy. Things may be shifting in the right direction for everyone. If River would forgive me and be my friend again, things would be so much better, but I can’t let my happiness hinge on River anymore. He made it clear he didn’t want me around.

“I’m going to head out too, guys,” I tell Grace and Lane.

“You okay?” Grace asks, angling her head to the side.

“I am. I hope we work together again soon. I’ll be there tomorrow night.”

“Me too,” she says.

“Perfect.” I give them both a smile and go to my car.

Chapter 19

“You have to go with me. Everyone is going,” Stella begs.

“Not everyone is going. Plus, I’m tired,” I tell her. Having worked a busy lunch shift, I’m exhausted. My feet ache. I sit heavy on the couch next to her and pull my knees to my chest.

“Well, of course not everyone, but there’s going to be a big crowd. It’s the first official game for Becks’s summer lacrosse team.”

And River. I talked to Grace today at work, and she told me she would be going because Lane made the team. They’ve been quite the item for the last month. She also listed off the other guys who made it, and River was one of them. I was surprised, not because he wasn’t an amazing lacrosse player, but she said his hand has healed and his orthopedist cleared him to play.

I know what Stella is doing. She wants me to talk to River. Between her and Willow, they’ve both been my personal cheerleaders. It doesn’t matter how much they want us communicating again; it won’t happen until River makes the first move. I’m not up for more River rejection.

When I got back from Weston, I told Stella about Lane and me ending things. I did not tell her anything I learned about Willow. Although I don’t agree with all of her decisions, they are hers, and none of it is my story to tell. Once Stella knew about Lane and my breakup, she became persistent in trying to get River and me back together. She invites me to every function she knows River will be at, even gone as far as trying to arrange a double date with her and Becks, and without informing River. She was going to have Becks lie to River and tell him they were going out to grab pizza. There was no way I was going to do that to River or myself. Thankfully, I overheard Stella and Becks conspiring about it one night and nixed the idea altogether. If River and I had a glimmer of hope, it would all be on his terms, not some trick my sister concocted.

“You can go and watch, Kate. It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.” She gets up and stands in front of me, offering me her small hands. “Get up and take a quick shower. You smell like fried seafood. We’ve got an hour before the game.”

A loud sigh escapes my lips as I take her hand and let her pull me up. “Dammit, you’re not going to leave me alone, are you?”

“It’s going to be fun.”

Ha. Really fun watching the guy I’m in love with run around and dominate on the lacrosse field like he always does. When he plays any sport, he puts his all into it, just like he used to in bed. I have to stop doing this to myself. I’m going to need a cold shower afterward. “Fine. I’ll go, but if I have to leave early, I don’t want to hear it.” I’m not sure how much torture I can handle.

“Okay, go get ready.”

Apprehension fills me as I drive Stella and myself to the fields at Bluff Harbor College. When we pull in, there are tons of cars, more than I expected to see, but lacrosse is popular in our area.

Crowds of people fill the stands. It’s a beautiful summer day, sunny and warm. Stella and I pick seats close to midfield, halfway up the bleachers. We won’t miss a second of the action.

Want to talk about torture? The way River’s quad muscles peek out of the bottom of his shorts, you can see how firm they are when they contract. He gets possession of the ball within the first thirty seconds of the game and scores. The crowd claps and cheers, and River fist bumps Becks on the field. They all wear helmets, but I can still see the glorious smile pasted on River’s face after his shot goes to the back of the net. If his hand is bothering him, it doesn’t show.

“That was awesome,” Stella yells in my ear to be heard above the applause.

I can’t stop grinning. “He’s amazing.”

“You should talk to him after the game,” Stella suggests in her most convincing tone.

“No way. You’re lucky I’m here at all,” I tell her flatly. “He wants his space, and I’m going to try and stick by it.” Even if it guts me in the process. It didn’t work out well the last time I tried chatting with him before he was ready.

“You need to go after what you want.”

I nearly snap my neck because I shake it so hard. “Quit pushing me. I’m not setting myself up for rejection again. It’s too much. He was clear.” I wish she would lay off. I know her intentions are good, but it’s not her emotions on the line.

“Okay, okay.” She raises her hands in the air. “I’m sorry. I just think it’s dumb that you guys are wasting time not being together. I know you want each other.”

I recoil. “I hurt him. He doesn’t want me anymore. I don’t blame him.”

River flies down the field, cradling the ball in his stick. He slows down and focuses on the play. His eyes shift from player to player, determining who to throw the pass to. It’s heavenly watching his agile body and sharp athletic mind work in unity. My head swims in sweet thoughts of River’s body and focus centered completely on me. Stop it, Kate.

“Earth to Kate.” Stella snaps her fingers next to my ear, yanking me out of my fantasy. “I see you got caught up in River’s force field.”

“No, I wasn’t.” I pull my eyes away from the game and back to Stella. “Okay, maybe I was. Just because we aren’t talking, doesn’t mean I can’t admire him from a distance.”

“Right. Well, don’t forget to wipe the drool off your chin.” She giggles.

Someone from the other team steals the ball and moves down the field in the other direction to score, tying the game. I frown, but control myself from yelling boo. “Damn,” I hiss.

“They can’t lose,” Stella exclaims.

We get possession of the ball, and all too fast, the other team steals it. I clutch my hands together, knowing there isn’t much time left in the game. Lane, on defense, is able to recover the ball and throw it down the field to River. He weaves in and out of players from the opposing team and sees that Becks has cut in front of the goal. River passes it perfectly to Becks, who shoots the ball next to the goalie’s head and into the upper right side of the net.

We all applaud, and I jump up and down, cheering for our team.

The whistle blows and the game ends in victory. The team runs to circle around their goalie, then back to the bench.

River removes his helmet and shakes out his sweaty hair. His face is red, but it’s lit up in victory. He scans the crowd, his eyes finding mine. I grin at him and give him a small wave. River does the unthinkable and gives me a breathtaking smile. Warmth blooms to my cheeks. I look around just to make sure it was actually me who was the recipient of such a gift and see that no one else is paying attention to River. I look back down and find River’s attention has been diverted to his coach, who’s patting him on the back.

“I saw that,” Stella says.

“Saw what?” I give her an innocent shrug.

“You know what.”

I do. That was the first time in a very long time that River didn’t look at me with pained eyes, rigid posture, and a tight, clenched jaw. The sheer joy of the moment threatens to unhinge me. “He’s happy about his team’s win, an adrenaline rush. It wasn’t more than that.”

“He didn’t have to search you out,” Stella points at me, “and acknowledge you if he was still pissed.”

“I don’t want to get my hopes up. But it was nice to see his smile again.” I can’t wipe the cheesy smirk from my own face now.

“Hey, ladies,” Becks says, coming up to Stella and me. He plants a sweaty wet kiss on Stella’s cheek. “We’re all going out to get some dinner. You guys want to come?”

Stella looks at me with convincing eyes. “Yeah, let’s go.”

“Who’s going?” I ask, secretly hoping he says River and equally hoping he says he isn’t.

“The lacrosse team. All of us.” He points behind him at the general area of the field.

“No, I better not,” I say and wring my hands in front of my body.

“Why not?” Stella whines. “You just said you were starving. Come with us.”

I turn to my sister with wide eyes. “You know why I can’t come. River won’t want me there,” I bite out punctuating each syllable.

“We’re meeting at the Italian place down the road in thirty minutes. I hope to see you both there.” Becks gives Stella a peck on the forehead and runs back to the bench.

“You go. I can’t,” I tell Stella in my most stern, sincere tone. I ache to go and be with everyone, but it’s not time. I am thrilled River smiled at me today. It doesn’t mean he’s ready for me to start showing up everywhere he is.

“But…”

“No. Thank you for trying, but I came to the game, and that’s a big step for me.” I nod and begin walking to my car.

“Okay. I support you, but I’m definitely going. This place has the best pizza.” Stella puts her arm around my shoulder as we leave the field.

I want to turn around and wave to River, but keep moving forward. It’s the only way to go from here.

***

The next evening, I pick up a shift at the restaurant. I wasn’t on the schedule, but was happy when Kelly called to ask me to come in. I’ve been wallowing around the house since yesterday after the game.

Regret and sadness fill in the spaces of my time. I would’ve loved going out to eat last night with Stella and Becks, and the rest of the lacrosse team, but made the difficult decision to stand by my choice to honor River’s request for distance. Although, I was certainly shocked when I got a text last night from River that read, You should’ve come to dinner. Don’t let me stop you from doing what you want to do.

I replied, I’m trying to do what you asked.

That was it for our conversation. He didn’t text back again. I tried to read between the lines of the texts, but without hearing the tone of his voice, it was impossible to fully understand. He could’ve meant it to sound kind, compassionate. Or he could’ve meant to sound dickish. There’s no way to know. If I were to judge it based on our most recent conversations, I’d say that he wasn’t going to kindhearted, but that smile he gave me yesterday at the game—damn, it melted me.

While I’m at the computer entering an order for one of my tables, Grace McCrae comes up next to me with a beaming grin on her face.

“Hey, you look happy,” I say.

“I haven’t been this blissful in forever,” she says in a honeyed tone as she bounces up and down on the balls of her feet.

I grin at her display. “You and Lane?”

“Yes. He is making me so happy! Not to mention he’s amazing in bed.” She winks. “I’ve never dated anyone who’s been as attentive to my needs as he is. I feel like the luckiest girl alive.” She absolutely glows.

This. This is what I wanted for Lane Powers. It is my deepest hope he feels the same way about her. The light in Grace’s eyes tells me this isn’t one-sided.

I hug Grace. “I’m excited for you guys.”

I walk back out to the dining room, and my body tenses when I see Kelly seating River and his parents in my section. I do my best to calm my breathing before I go to their table. “Hello.” I look at Mrs. McEwan first. “Can I get you guys started with a drink?”

“Hi, Kate. It’s good to see you. I hope you’re well,” Peg McEwan says in a compassionate tone. One I’m not quite used to yet.

“I’m doing well.” I lie and clear my throat.

“That’s good to hear,” Mr. McEwan says with warm, kind eyes.

After a quick breath, I risk a glance at River. His deep blue stare is fixed on me. He gives me a half grin and says, “Can I please have a beer?”

I nod and look away as my heart sinks to the ground. “Sure.”

“We’ll take a bottle of Cabernet,” Mrs. McEwan says.

“I’ll bring those right over.” I chance one last gaze at River, but he’s looking at the menu. I give myself this moment to take in his sexy hair and gorgeous profile. He’s got a ghost of light stubble lining his jaw. I imagine feeling it running along my cheek or the inside of my thigh. My stomach clenches hard. What’s wrong with me? I have to stop this. I pull myself away from the table when all I want to do is stand in River’s presence.

I behave myself for the remainder of the time the McEwans are in the restaurant. Just as they are finishing up, I go back to their table. “Did any of you leave room for dessert?”

Mrs. McEwan places her hand on her stomach and says, “I’m stuffed, but please bring us a piece of your triple chocolate cake. We’re celebrating tonight.” She places her hand on River’s. “He decided he’s going to NYU.”

I nearly jump up and down, but contain myself. “Congratulations, River.”

He looks at his mother, blinks a few times, and shakes his head. “Thank you.” He looks at me with a fake smile.

Wow. Guess he didn’t want me to know. “Okay, great. I’ll bring the cake right over.”

As I’m cashing out for the evening, I’m still overwhelmed by the generosity of the McEwan’s tip. I’m grateful for it, but would’ve preferred a warmer reception from River.

I say goodnight to my coworkers and allow the blanket of sadness to come over me. I’m going home now to be alone. I’ve tried not to let Grace’s absolute giddiness all night upset me. After all, it’s what I want for her, but envy rears its ugly, unwanted head from time to time. It’s better this way anyway. The longer I’m away from Lane, the more I realize how much of a crutch he was for me.

I start my car, and a text alert comes through.

Can you stop by my new apartment when you finish your shift?

River wants to see me. My mouth goes dry. Of course I’ll go see him. I wonder what he wants, but refuse to get my hopes up. I also won’t let my mind take me to worse case scenarios.

Okay, text me your address. I’m leaving the restaurant now.

My palms start to sweat as I grab the wheel and head toward River’s place.

Chapter 20

A shuddering breath escapes my mouth as I knock on River’s door. I don’t know what to do with my hands. I cross my arms over my chest, but that seems standoffish, so I place them behind my back. No, that isn’t right either. I smooth my shirt out and wring my hands in front of me. My foot is bouncing uncontrollably when River answers the door.

“Hi, thank you for coming,” he says as he moves to the side, inviting me in. He doesn’t look at me and is keeping his distance.

This isn’t a good sign. My eyes scan from his perfect hair to his socked feet. He is beautiful and everything about him is attractive. I wipe the sweat from my palms onto my shorts and walk by him and into his apartment.

“Please have a seat.” He motions toward the living room.

His apartment is clean and well appointed. His furniture is leather, and the décor is minimalist. Not your typical college bachelor pad, but it’s so River.

Where do I sit? There are two plush chairs and a couch. I decide to sit in the chair, seems the most nonthreatening. If I go for the couch, he might think I want him to sit next to me. It’s too intimate.

River stands in the threshold of the living room and kitchen. “Want anything?”

I shake my head. I absolutely couldn’t eat or drink anything right now. “No, thank you.”

Striding into the living room, he sits on the couch; closest to the chair I’m in. “Thanks again for stopping by. I’m not keeping you from anything, am I?”

Other than another boring, lonely night of binge watching Hallmark movies and overeating ice cream. Oh, and crying. “No, I don’t have plans. I am curious why you asked me here.”

“I was curious about a couple of things.” His eyes gaze off somewhere past me. “Did you come to the lacrosse game to see me or Lane?” His posture stiffens and he sits up straighter.

Damn. This isn’t where I saw this conversation beginning. Then again, I was clueless. I’m done lying to him. From here on out it’s complete transparency. “You. I came to see you. Stella convinced me it wouldn’t be invading your space.” I shift uneasily under his scrutiny.

“No, if you were there to see me, I’m fine with it.” His shoulders relax marginally. “Are you still in love with Lane?”

Whoa. He’s not holding back tonight. “No, I’m not. I never was,” I say point blank. There’s no sense in hiding anything.

“Then why did you have sex with him?” His jaw clenches closed and it tics a few times.

“I didn’t,” I blurt out. I can feel it then. A massive boulder has just shifted off my chest.

“What?” He bolts up to a standing position and begins to pace. His eyes widen and look furious as he shakes his head. “Why did you lie to me?”

I move to get closer to him, to comfort him, to rub his shoulder, anything to help tame this down. “It was the only weapon I had left in my arsenal. I didn’t want to pull the trigger because I knew it would wound you, but I couldn’t think of another way.”

“Another way to what?” He bites out, staring at me with angry eyes.

“To make you leave me alone.” I take a deep breath in and blow it out. “I wasn’t strong enough to resist you anymore.”

“So you lied to me, ripped my heart out of my chest, and tore it in half like an old piece of paper.” His eyes glaze over, and he walks to the other side of the room, putting his arms over his head.

“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can say as a tear forms in the corner of my eye. I wipe at it with the back of my hand. “I hated hurting you. It tore me apart, but you know why I did it. To try and make Willow happy.”

“Ha! What a fucking joke.” He shakes his head. He leans his weight onto the windowsill and stares out into the distance.

“No! It wasn’t a joke to me.” I move to stand near him.

He still won’t look at me, but at least I can see his face. He’s not going to downplay this with pasting some imaginary pieces to this puzzle. Everything I did, I believed to be the only way.

“It might not have started that way, but look at it now.” He eyes me with complete and utter contempt and quickly looks away as if he can’t stand the sight of me. “I can’t believe you.”

My stomach curdles. Seeing how much pain I’ve caused him is agony. I’ve got to get some of the heat off myself before I explode. “What about you? What the hell’s been going on with you? You’ve been so reckless. Drinking, missing practice, riding your motorcycle in bad weather. It isn’t like you.” I get closer to him, but am cautious to give him space. I’m not letting him off the hook. If he’s putting me on the spot tonight, he’s getting it too.

“I’m sick to death of all this.” With an exasperated sigh, he turns and stares at me with an intense glare and waves his hands around the room. “My parents have been riding me, and you.”

I wait for him to continue, but he just stands there with his ‘don’t fuck with me’ posture. “What about me?”

“I’ve never had this problem before. Ever.” He emphasizes the last word by raising his voice.

“What problem?” I prod, never letting my teary eyes leave his. He will tell me. I have to know what he’s thinking. I want inside his mind as much as I want him inside me. He’s invited me here. I’m taking anything and everything he’ll give me.

River lets out a heavy breath and clutches the back of his neck, squeezing into the muscle. “I can’t get over you.” The anguish is visible in his features. “I don’t want to want you anymore. I don’t want to care about you. That’s why I asked you to leave me alone, but it didn’t help. I drank sometimes to tame the sting.” He barks out a laugh. “God, how fucked up is that?”

The agony barreling through me threatens to drop me to my knees. My breath stops. I move closer to him and reach up to touch his chest.

He looks at my hand, grasps it with his own, and drops it. He turns and strides across the room. “Fuck.”

“River, please, look at me.” I blot at the creases of my eyes with my shirt and walk to his side, turning him to face me. “I felt the same way as you. I tried every way I knew how to tone down my feelings for you. It was impossible. It’s been the most exhausting, miserable task I’ve ever attempted. Nothing worked. It was like trying to wrestle an elephant. The bastard just stands there and doesn’t move.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighs. “Did you know I heard you in the hospital after my accident?”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“I heard what you said to me when you thought I was sleeping. You still love me?” He says the last part so low I barely hear him.

Taking a chance, I move closer. It’s time to come clean. I have nothing to lose. “I meant every word I said. Why did you tell me to leave?” My stomach turns remembering how hard it was for me to walk away from him that day. He was broken and vulnerable on the outside, but that was me on the inside. I would’ve sold my soul to the devil that day to stay there beside him, to help him heal, to help me heal.

“I couldn’t hear it then. I didn’t believe you meant it. Thought you were saying it out of sympathy. I wouldn’t have it.” His eyes close and his head moves toward his chest.

“You have to believe me. Not one single word that came from my lips was out of pity.” My tears, like a faucet, flow freely down my cheeks.

A small crack forms in River’s armor. He slowly closes the distance between us and pulls me into his arms and holds me. “I hate seeing you cry.” One of his hands moves up and grasps the back of my head.

The tiny scrap he’s thrown me, I devour, melting into him and basking in his manly scent and the first moment of tenderness he’s shown me in far too long. I absorb his energy and his warmth. Instead of calming me, my bottom lip quivers and I begin to cry harder. My God, I’ve missed this. River doesn’t pull away; he just lets me ride it out. I don’t know how long we stay this way.

I don’t want it to end, but eventually I let go. “I’m sorry for crying. I’m sorry for hurting you, but most of all I’m sorry I ruined us.”

River drops his arms.

I shiver at the loss of contact.

He walks away from me and goes into another room and returns with a box of tissues.

I take one and sit back down, wiping the tears and mascara from my eyes. “Are we ruined, River? What about us?”

He sits down next to me. “I must be a fool, but I’ve never stopped wanting to be with you.” A hoarse laugh escapes his lips. “But why would I do that to myself again?”

“Because I’m in love with you. I know what I did and words will never be enough. Let me show you how sorry I am for fucking up.”

It’s several moments before he responds. “I believe you, but—”

“Wait. Before you go on, I have to know: do you still love me?” I let the question spill out, unable to contain it any longer. My stomach is in knots anticipating his answer.

“Fuck. No matter how much I try not to, I do.”

That’s all I need to hear. If he loves me, there’s a straw to grasp. I’m going to use every tool I have to try repairing what I’ve broken. I slowly bring my hand up to his arm. The sensation burns me. His breath hitches, but he doesn’t move away. I lean in closer, staring up into his crystal-clear eyes, unblinking. He brings his forehead down to mine. His gaze moves to my lips and they part. Warmth blooms in my belly.

Moving my lips up to his, I barely graze them at first. He doesn’t stop me, so I do it again with more pressure this time. I open my mouth and graze my tongue against his. A moan escapes his lips. He plunges his tongue in my mouth and all of the bottled emotions we’ve both had are finally uncorked. His hand is in my hair.

A throaty breath whispers, “I’ve missed you.” He never breaks the kiss but moves his body closer to mine.

My greedy hands trail under his shirt and trace the lines of his strong back with my fingertips. He. Feels. So. Damn. Good. I’ve been dreaming about touching him again constantly. I would never have believed it’d come true. It’s as if blood finally starts pumping in my veins bringing me back to life. Desire pools in my core as I bring his shirt up and attempt to remove it.

“Wait.” River breaks the kiss and moves my hands and straightens his shirt.

“What?” I question breathlessly. I can barely handle the loss of contact. It’s like offering someone dying of thirst in the desert a sip of water. It’s just not enough.

“Let’s take a minute.”

Ouch. I search his face for clues. I desperately want him and thought he wanted me.

His eyes widen and he kisses my forehead. “Are you ready for this?” He points back and forth between us, eyes probing mine.

“My God, yes,” I say without hesitation.

“Not just the sex. If we do this, it’s going to mean something. If we keep going, you’re telling me you’re all in. No wavering. No more one-foot-in, one-foot-out.” His tone is direct.

“Yes, that’s all I want.” I touch his cheek and his eyes close.

“I have to be sure, B. If we move forward, we’re both agreeing to work for our happiness, yours and mine. No one else’s.”

I nod. Relief spreads through me. I didn’t know what I was in for coming here today. Could happiness really be in the cards for River and I?

“It’s okay if you’re not ready. Just tell me the truth. I can’t do this again. It was too hard to go through once. It’ll break me to suffer like that again.” He searches my face for answers.

“I want you, River. I want us. I’m ready to work on our happiness.” I smile and a tear of contentment streams down my cheek. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this second chance with River, but there’s nothing and no one that will stop me from showing him every day that he didn’t make a mistake giving it to me. This closeness, this connection that flows through every cell of my body, is what I’ve craved since the last time I had it with River. It’s what I was chasing with Lane but could never find. “Thank you.”

His eyebrows shoot up. “For what?”

“I’m grateful you’re giving us another chance.” My voice is full of emotion as I grab his hand and kiss the back of it.

River touches my cheek with his fingertips. “It’s all I’ve wanted since you ended things.”

“Me too.” I squeeze him tight around the waist, knowing in my heart I will give this relationship everything I’ve got to give because we both deserve our happy ending.

Epilogue

The cool metal of keys hit my hand as Grace hands them to me. “Congrats, guys. I’m so excited for you,” she says.

“Thank you.” I can’t believe it’s finally happening.

“It’s ours now, B,” River pulls me by the waist into a hug. The smell of his sandalwood body wash still creates a swarm of butterflies in my belly.

Moving toward the door of our new home, my heart races. I push the key into the door and turn the lock. I swallow and look back at River. His smile is from ear to ear. “It’s ours.” I repeat River’s words.

“Enjoy your new home, guys,” Grace starts backing away and waves. “I can’t wait to see how you decorate it. I’ll be at the housewarming in two weeks.”

An involuntary shutter moves through me. I can’t believe we scheduled our housewarming party two weeks after closing. Who knows how we’ll get everything done.

“Thank you for all of your help, Mrs. Powers.” I’m not sure we could’ve got through buying this house as quickly without Grace’s help.

“If you need any help, give Lane or me a call and we’ll be here,” Grace says.

“We’ll be fine. See you in two weeks,” I say as I grab River’s hand and walk him past the threshold of our new home.

River whisks me off the ground and spins me in circles.

“Whoa, I’m dizzy,” I say with a giggle.

“We did it. I told you we’d have a house within six months of graduation,” he says with a gleam in his eyes and a slight air of I-told-you-so.

There is no way I thought it would be possible. Once I got a position as a dermatology resident close to home, I knew I wanted to move back. River was supportive and liked the idea of being close to his father and business since he finished his MBA. When we got back to the Bluff, I moved back home and so did River. We started looking at houses immediately but never thought we’d be able to pull off buying one as fast as we did. My friend Grace and her real estate superpowers made the process so much faster.

“I love that you were right.”

“Since we have the house, now we can set the date,” River says with a lighthearted tease to his voice.

Looking down, I still get dizzy when I see the ring on my left third finger. It was at my graduation ceremony, and I had just walked across the stage to get my diploma. At the bottom of the stairs waiting for me was River, on his knee with a breathtaking, sparkling cushion-cut diamond ring. I nearly fell to my knees. It was one of the best days of my life. But now he won’t stop insisting we pick a date.

“I want to marry you as soon as possible, but you know how difficult it’s going to be to set a date with so much up in the air with my residency.” I look up at the high ceilings in our soon-to-be living room. The space is empty now, but soon will be full of furniture, books and a mix of décor to suit both River and my tastes.

“Excuses, excuses. You promised we’d set the date when we moved in and”—he stops and spins around, holding his arms out—“here we are.” He pulls me in close and plants a feather-light kiss on my lips.

“Is it possible that we get through the house warming party first, and then plan the wedding? I still don’t know why you wanted to have it so soon.” Imagining my wedding day with River gives me anxiety and elation all in one. I can’t think of a life without him in it, but having a huge wedding will create so much stress on my mother. She will insist on paying and most definitely can’t afford it. I would love a small wedding, or even eloping, but River won’t hear of it. It’s way too much to think about now.

“Because I wanted to do it before your residency started. We’ve got plenty of time. I already have movers coming with my stuff from storage. If we need anything else, we’ll go grab it.” His unbothered attitude is unbelievable.

It’s hard enough for me to accept the fact that River paid for the house. I wanted to help in some way, but realistically, it just wasn’t possible, especially with all of my student loans. After asking me to marry him—I of course said yes—River insisted we move in together. I didn’t argue, assuming he meant an apartment, but there wasn’t much available. He made many valid points about how he’s got money and is working. He insisted, and after much mental turmoil, I conceded.

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Don’t stress. We’ve got this. It’ll be perfect timing too. I know Willow mentioned coming home,” River says.

***

“I love your color.” Willow leans over to check out the fire-engine-red shade the manicurist applied to my fingernails while we sit waiting for it to dry.

“Thanks,” I say. “Yours is hot too. Are you sure there’s no one special in your life right now?”

She shrugs. “Nobody worth mentioning. I have to give myself time. The breakup with Karli is too fresh.”

Willow and I have been rebuilding and repairing our friendship for about a year now. She was persistent and reached out frequently. River encouraged me to forgive her and at least start taking her calls. With some hesitation, I started to text her, and then we would have short phone calls. When she came to visit me in New York and we had a girl’s weekend is when I let the past go. It was a long process, but I don’t regret any of it. We’ve slowly started sharing with each other again. I was sad to hear that she and Karli broke things off about six months ago.

“It wasn’t yesterday. Don’t you think it would do you some good to start dating again?” I prod. She hasn’t been herself since she got back to Bluff Harbor. I hope I made the right decision by inviting Karli to the house warming party.

“I’m not ready. I loved her.” Her eyes glaze over. “We had plans. After graduation, we were going to stay and get jobs. But now that we aren’t together, I think I might just move back home.”

I give her a small smile. “I’d love it if you moved back. I think it’d be great for your relationship with your mom too.”

“She’s the reason I’ve been thinking about it. We talk every day now. It took her an entire month before she would speak to me.” Willow’s eye look haunted by the memory.

“I don’t have to remind you how long it took me before I spoke to you. Your mother was hurt, but she got over it.” I wasn’t sure if Willow was ever going to tell her mother about what happened when she went missing, then was proud of her for coming clean.

She bows her head. “I’m so grateful she did. And you, I’m incredibly happy to have you back in my life again.” A tear forms in her eye. “Shit, I can’t cry. My nails are wet.” She giggles and wipes the back of her hand across her cheek.

“I’m thankful that everything worked out too.” I grin at her.

She nods and looks down at her watch. “Damn, we have to go.”

“It’s okay. Everything is pretty much set for the party. We don’t have to rush. People aren’t coming for another couple of hours,” I say in a reassuring tone.

Bounding up out of her chair and throwing her purse over her shoulder, she says, “No, I’d feel better if we went back to your place and had a couple of glasses of wine. Okay? Let’s get going.”

“All right.” I gently dab at my nails to make sure they’re dry. “I guess I’m ready.”

***

“I’m so excited for tonight,” I say as we walk through the front door of my new home. The smell of fresh rosemary reaches my nose.

“Me too. It’s going to be fun to see people I haven’t seen in a while.” She moves past me and rushes toward the kitchen.

I follow behind her.

She looks around at the trays of food that the caterers have set out. “Wow, it smells great in here. Everything looks amazing,” she says to a younger guy who’s chopping peppers.

“Thank you,” the guy says, continuing his busywork.

“Do you know where River is?” I ask him as I watch Willow scurry around the kitchen windows looking out each one.

He looks up and shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry.”

“I think you should go upstairs and change.” Willow crosses the room, grabs me by the hand, and leads me toward the stairway.

“But I want to find River and tell him I’m home.” I attempt to loosen her grasp, but she’s not letting go. What the hell is up with her?

“I insist. Let’s go.” She tugs at my hand until I concede and follow her up the stairs. Willow is up to something, and I can’t imagine what it is.

When we get to my doorway, Willow stops and grasps me by the shoulders. “I’m so happy for you, Kate. You deserve all of this.”

“I deserve all of what? You’re confusing me.” I say, uncertainty in my tone.

Reaching in her back pocket, she hands me a small envelope. “This is from River. Read it. You are one lucky girl.” She kisses my cheek and turns to leave.

I stand there dumbfounded for a minute, staring at the envelope with my name on it. I open it slowly and take out a single piece of paper. I unfold the note and read my sweet fiancé’s words.

B,

I know you’re probably confused. Let me clear things up for you.

I love you with all of my heart. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. Every day that we are together, you show me new reasons to love you. I don’t want another day to go by without you as my wife. That’s why I hope it’s okay with you that I planned our wedding ceremony for today.

My mouth goes dry. What did he do? I look around the hallway to see if he’s nearby. No, it doesn’t seem like anyone is around. My heart rate speeds up. This is why Willow was acting so strange. I look back down and continue reading.

Please, don’t freak out. I’ve taken care of everything. It’s going to be small and simple, just the way you wanted it. Everyone you wanted to come to the “housewarming” will be here. I’ve had some help from your mom and sister. Believe it or not, my mother has actually been involved too. It’s going to be perfect, not because I’ve hired the best caterers and we have the best band playing, but because it’s ours. Yours and mine.

Now, go into our room and check out the dresses we’ve picked out for you. I can’t wait to see you in the one you choose. I know you’ll look incredibly sexy, you always do.

Love, River

No way. I open the door to my room and squeal when I see my sister. She lunges at me and squeezes me to her. “Do you believe him? Are you surprised?”

I let out a throaty laugh. “No, I can’t believe him, and yes, I couldn’t be more shocked.” I look straight into her green eyes. “Does this mean I’m getting married today?”

Nodding, she says, “Yes, you’re marrying River McEwan today. He arranged everything.”

I tap my finger on my chin and my eyes widen. “There’s so much to do. How will I get everything done? I’m overwhelmed.”

Stella reaches for my shoulders. “Relax. I’m not kidding when I say that River has thought of everything. All you have to do is pick out a dress.”

“That’s it?”

“Yup. Your hair stylist is on her way here to do your hair and makeup. Then you’ll be all set to go.”

My skin tingles and I bring my shaking hands to my eyes to wipe tears that start to form. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe him. He’s amazing. I need to find him.” I walk toward the door.

“Oh no, you don’t. You can’t see him before the ceremony. You’ve only got two hours before you’ll be together.”

A knock at the door startles me. I open it to find my mother and hair stylist.

“Hi, honey. Big day, huh?” My mom pulls me in for a hug. She’s already dressed in a long mother-of-the-bride-style dress and her hair is swept back away from her face.

I shake my head. “Am I the only one in the dark?”

Jackie, my hair stylist, says, “It appears that you are, sweetie. Where can I set up? We don’t have much time.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks for coming.” I point her toward my vanity table, and she begins pulling curling irons and brushes out of her bag.

“Wow, Mom. You look amazing. I love this dress,” I say, caressing the fabric of her champagne-colored gown.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Speaking of dresses, you need to choose which one you want to wear.”

My sister is at my side, leading me toward my closet where the wedding dresses are hanging.

My jaw falls open. Here in front of me are three of the gowns I had fallen in love with in my research. My eyes are drawn to my favorite choice. The one that was far too expensive. It’s a strapless sweetheart gown with a beaded ribbon belt. I remove the cover from the dress. When I slip the lace through my fingers, I’m in absolute awe.

“I knew you were going to go for this one,” Stella says when she starts unzipping the back. “Try it on.”

I slip my top off and my mother and sister guide the gown over my head. My breath hitches when the soft fabric flows over my skin.

Looking at myself in the mirror my hands come up to my mouth. “I love it.”

“It’s so beautiful, Kate.” My mother’s eyes start to tear up. “This is the one. I don’t think you need to try on the others.”

“I agree. You have to wear this one. It fits you perfectly, like it was made for you.” Stella’s voice cracks as she smiles at my reflection.

I nod. “Yes, this is the one. How did he even know which ones to pick?” I turn toward my sister. It’s mind-boggling to think of all the details that went into today and that River set it all in motion. I am one lucky girl.

“Well, I might have taken him your bridal magazine collection. He looked at everything you had circled and picked his favorites.” Stella gives me a conspiratorial grin. “And, there’s something else.”

“Okay. What is it?” I say, unsure if anything could surprise me at this moment.

“River mentioned that you had talked about choosing me as your maid of honor, so I took it upon myself to buy a dress. Is that okay?” Her toe is bouncing on the floor in front of her.

“Oh my gosh. Of course I want you to stand up with me today. There’s no one else I’d rather have up there with me.” I pull her close and squeeze her.

“Thank God,” Stella sighs.

My mother sandwiches us in her arms. “I can’t believe one of my girls is getting married.”

Jackie cuts the moment short by clearing her throat. “Okay, ladies. It’s time for me to get started, or Kate won’t be ready in time for the ceremony.”

I kiss my mother and sister on the cheeks and separate myself from their embrace. “Help me get the dress off so she can fix me up.”

Stella unzips my dress, and I slip out of it.

My mom hands me a button-up shirt from my closet. “Here, put this on. We don’t want to ruin your hair once it’s done.”

“Thanks.” I button the shirt and sit in the chair in front of my vanity.

I look at myself in the mirror. It’s just me there in the reflection. The same me who got ready for my day today completely unaware that River was going to plan our wedding ceremony. I shake my head in disbelief.

A knock on my door pulls me from my thoughts. My sister answers the door. Peg McEwan saunters in with her sophisticated gate, dressed in a pale-pink gown. “Hello, ladies. There’s a makeup artist set up in the sitting room. She’s ready for you, Stella.”

“Thanks, Mrs. McEwan,” Stella walks up to me and whispers in my ear. “Don’t worry. I’ll be right back. If you need anything, text me.”

Stella turns to leave, and I see my mom and River’s mom, standing close together and speaking in hushed tones. I haven’t quite gotten used to seeing the two of them in the same room together, much less in girl huddle, conspiring together.

My relationship with my soon-to-be mother-in-law has come a long way. It was slow going at first, but the day she called me to come see River after his motorcycle accident was the day our relationship changed. She went from despising me to looking to me for help. She came to my graduation ceremony and will even text or call me on occasion. I’m beyond relieved that we have come to share a bond, especially since I’m completely in love with her son.

My mother is another story. Peg’s insecurities in her marriage are what caused her ill feelings toward my mom. They have been civil with each other recently, but I never believed they would become friends. Maybe River planning this wedding and asking them both to help out is what brought them together. I’m not sure, but I am definitely happy they did.

“Kate, I brought you something. I hope you like it.” Mrs. McEwan stands before me with a small black box in her hand.

I look into her steel blue eyes and find contentment and something else. Apprehension maybe. I take the box from her and open it. Inside is a pair of blue sapphire drop earrings.

I bring my hand to my chest. “They’re stunning. Thank you.”

“You like them?” Peg asks.

“I love them.” I take one out of the box and put it in my ear. I blink back tears and fight the lump forming in my throat. It isn’t the fact that these are the most stunning earrings I’ve ever seen, it’s because River’s mother gave them to me. It’s beautiful, glorious approval.

“I wanted you to have something new and blue for your big day. They look perfect.” She gives me a grin so wide you can see all of her perfectly white teeth.

“Here you go.” My mom hands me a familiar box. One I’ve seen sitting on her dresser for years. “Grandma would want you to wear these today. These will cover old and borrowed.”

Inside the box is my grandmother’s pearl necklace, simple, elegant, and perfect. I’ve asked my mother to wear them several times, and she’s never let me.

“Are you sure, Mom?”

“Of course. Today is your big day. I wore them when I married your dad, and maybe someday your daughter will wear them when she ties the knot.” Her voice is thick, and her eyes are glossy.

My heart is full. The people closest to me are all here, and I’m getting married to the man of my dreams. I breathe deeply, taking it all in.

River

I’m crying like a damn toddler, and I don’t even care. As Kate walks toward me down the aisle, looking like a fairytale princess, I think my heart might explode out of my chest.

Everything she’s put me through has been worth it. She’s worth all the bad days and torture I endured without her. Not because she looks like an angel and owns my soul, but because she has a pure heart. She thought that everything she did was for the best for everyone. No, I didn’t agree with her at the time, but now I can at least understand it. This is why I wasn’t going to wait another day to marry her. We’ve had hurdles to overcome, but we’ve come out stronger because of them.

She makes me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. That’s why I started planning our wedding six months ago. I enlisted the help of my mother and Stella and Kate’s mother. I could have done it alone, but wanted everything to be just perfect for Kate. She was so concerned about having a wedding and spending money that she suggested we elope. No way in hell. I wasn’t going to deny her a real wedding because she was worried about finances. My girl can be stubborn as hell, and she wasn’t budging on setting a date. I had to take matters in my own hands. Thank God she’s smiling at me from down the aisle.

Her hair is swept away from her face on the sides, but there’s still flowing locks down her back. The dress she picked is the one I was hoping she’d like. It shows off the creamy skin of her neck and shoulders, and just the top of her breasts peak out of the bodice. My dick twitches in my suit pants. Christ, it doesn’t matter how many times I’m with her, I always want her.

“I can’t believe you did all of this,” Kate whispers after she plants a kiss on my cheek.

“It’s all for you, B.” I put her hand in mine and kiss the back of it. “You look beautiful. I’m glad you approve.”

“Oh, I approve. I can’t wait to show you later just how much I appreciate you.” She gives me a wicked grin, then focuses her attention to the justice of the peace.

***

The ceremony is the perfect length. It’s not too long, but it still allowed us to repeat vows and promises for a long life together.

Our backyard is decorated in flowers everywhere. Every color rose decorates the tables, chairs, and even the ground. What’s amazing is that as the sun goes down, the lanterns that hang from the trees above and strings of lights around the circumference of the space along with the thousands of candles on the tables give the space an ethereal feel.

There was no budget when it came to food. The Martins were happy to cater our wedding with the best steaks and seafood around. Of course there was an open bar too. This is a party that no one will soon forget.

I hold her close when our first song comes on. She smells like jasmine, light and sweet. My heartbeat quickens, not for the first time today. My wife’s head is resting on my chest. I close my eyes to savor this moment, to etch it on a page in our storybook.

“I’ve never been happier than I am right now,” Kate’s voice cracks with emotion as she looks up at me with her emerald eyes. She has no idea how much I’d do for her with just one glance; one fleeting look is all it takes, and she owns me.

“I’m glad you said that.” I grasp one of the strands of her hair and let it flow through my fingers. “I was afraid you might not show up.”

She stiffens and her eyes widen. “I was surprised, but there’s no way I wouldn’t show up.”

I nod and give her my conspiratorial grin, the one I save for her. “Well, I did spring it on you.”

Grasping my lapel, she licks her lips. “Yes, this was a surprise, but it was the best kind. I’m grateful you worked so hard to make it happen. I’m going to spend hours later thanking you.”

My dick twitches. “Is it too early to leave now?”

Her head tilts back exposing the soft skin of her throat, she’s so damn beautiful. She lets out a sweet laugh. “You’re going to have to wait, Mr. McEwan. The reception just started. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.” She winks and lays her cheek back on my chest.

I shake my head. Damn, this woman is going to kill me.

Kate

“I need a drink. Want me to grab you anything?” I shout in River’s ear. The band is playing, and we’ve been dancing for at least an hour. The energy tonight is insane.

“Yeah, bring me a beer, please.” He plants a sweaty kiss on my lips, and I leave him and his brother Bauer jamming.

On my way to the bar, Mr. And Mrs. McEwan stop me. “Kate, you look beautiful. Congratulations.” My father-in-law kisses my cheek.

“Thank you. I’m grateful to you both for raising such an amazing man,” I say, voice full of emotion.

Mrs. McEwan grasps my hand and squeezes it. “You look stunning.”

“So do you,” I say and mean it. River’s parents are gorgeous.

“Thank you,” she says. “I want you to know how happy we are for you and River. I apologize if I wasn’t welcoming in the beginning.” She looks down for a moment and then back at me. “I see how happy my son is when he’s with you. That’s all I can ask for.”

Heat radiates through my chest. Hearing her verbalize her approval is not something I thought I’d ever hear. I’m not sure what comes over me, but I lean in and hug Mrs. McEwan. It felt like the right time. “Thanks for saying that. It means so much to me.”

She stands there for a moment and then puts her arms around me.

She pulls away from me and nods. “Okay, get back to your party.”

Mr. McEwan puts his hand on his wife’s back. “Enjoy your night.”

They walk away from me as I watch. They seem to be doing well, but that’s how they always seem. Marrying someone that you’re not one hundred percent in love with isn’t how I would want to live my life, but I’m not going to ponder their relationship tonight. No, it’s about celebrating ours.

There’s a few people waiting for drinks when I get to the bar. Lane Powers is directly in front of me.

He turns toward me and his eyes brighten. His hand comes up to his chest. “You look beautiful, Kate.”

“Why thank you, sir,” I say, my voice light. This is the first time I’ve been around Lane that I don’t feel a pit in my stomach. I was disappointed in him. It took time for me to heal, but I have stopped giving the negative emotions power.

“The ceremony was awesome. I wish you would’ve been able to come to our wedding.” He lowers his head.

We did want to go to Grace and Lane’s wedding, but the date conflicted with finals. I was surprised when Grace posted the picture of her engagement ring on Facebook. I’m thrilled that they both seem happy. “I know. I’m sorry. It would’ve been nice to see you two tie the knot.”

“It was the best day of my life.” His eyes sparkle and his smile is contagious.

“I guess married life is treating you well. You’re glowing.” I give him a small jab in the ribs and giggle.

A laugh bubbles up from his chest. “I’m glowing? No, you are.”

I giggle. “Let’s agree we’re both in a really good place.”

His face becomes serious. “I’m happy for you, Kate. It means the world to me to see that smile on your face again. Can I hug you?”

I lean in close and wrap my arms around his waist. “You give the best hugs,” I say in a muffled voice as I’m being crushed into his warm chest. Lane has always been able to offer comfort. I value that about him. We stay in the embrace for a few moments and I let go first.

“Looks like you’re next to get your drink.” I point ahead of us.

“Perfect, I was getting thirsty.” He winks and moves to give the bartender his drink order.

I sigh. This is how it was meant to be. I wasn’t supposed to be with Lane romantically, and I never should’ve let loneliness force my hand.

Lane grabs his drinks, plants a kiss on my cheek, and says, “Enjoy the rest of your night.”

“Thank you, Lane.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Willow standing next to a table, red hair long and flowing in curls down her back. Her smile is broad, bringing a light to her eyes I haven’t seen in quite some time. She’s talking to a woman whose back is to me, but I know its Karli. Willow rubs her hands up and down her arms. She’s nervous, or hopeful. As I watch them, there’s still a pull between them. It’s in the way they’re leaning in toward one another, the open posture. They don’t seem to notice anyone else around them. I don’t know if this means there is a future for the two of them or not. I hope so. Only time will tell.

I order a glass of red wine and a beer and make my way back to my husband. I stand and watch him. He has no idea I’m there. He’s removed his suit jacket and tie and rolled his white button-up shirt to his forearms. The top of his smooth chest shows a gleam of sweat. His body moves to the music, and a flutter races through my belly. His leg muscles flex and relax under the material of his pants. He’s so damn hot. And all mine.

I place our drinks on a table closest to the dance floor and join River. I move behind him and slip my hands around his waist.

He turns and puts his arms around me. “You’re back.”

“I am. I got drinks, but I’m not thirsty anymore.” My hand comes up to his chest. I make slow circles on his soft skin.

He licks his lips. “How much longer do you think we need to stay?”

“It could be time for us to say our goodbyes. I’ve had the best night, but I need to be with you alone now.” I wet my lips and blink slowly at him. “Take me to our bed.”

“My pleasure,” he says in a husky voice.

We wish everyone well and thank them for coming in record time. We’re told numerous times how wonderful the reception was and how much they enjoyed the food, or my personal favorite, how beautiful a couple we are.

River leads me by the hand to our bedroom. “Change into something comfortable. We’re going to stay in a hotel near the airport tonight,” he says matter-of-factly.

My jaw goes slack. “Wait, what?”

“Our flight is first thing in the morning. I thought it’d be easier if we were closer to the airport.” He’s unbuttoning his shirt. I attempt to keep my focus on what the hell is going on now.

“But I need to pack.” I go to my closet to find my suitcase.

“No, your sister took care of it. It’s already in the car. Just change. I want to go to the hotel and get you into bed as soon as possible.” He winks at me as he takes his pants off.

“Where are we going?” I ask, moving toward him.

“It’s a surprise.” He’s been so secretive about the wedding, and now a trip.

I turn in front of him and glance behind me, taking in how his eyes darken. “Unzip me, please.”

He moves my hair to the side and traces a line from my shoulder to my zipper. A shudder vibrates down my spine. “Is there anything I can do to convince you to give me a hint?” I say as my dress slides down my body to the floor. I’m left naked with nothing but my white lace thong.

“What do you have in mind?”

“If we’ve got some time before we go to the hotel, I’d love to show you.” I slide his boxer briefs off, and he lifts me up. I wrap my legs around him, and he brings me to the bed.

“I think we’ve got some time before our flight leaves for Greece, Mrs. McEwan.”

And with that I squeal in delight and kiss my husband with a fierceness I hope proves to him just how happy and grateful I am.

The End

If you enjoyed this book, you can check out Willow’s prequel short story Before I’m Gone for free.

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About the Author

Emma Tharp is the author of What About Her and Before I’m Gone. Emma was raised in upstate New York. Being an only child, she spent a great deal of time alone, dreaming up characters who would keep her company on long family road trips. Putting her writing on the back burner, she went to college and became a chiropractor. After spending twelve years healing patients, Emma decided—with the help of her amazingly supportive husband—to use the creative side of her brain and let her characters come to the page.

If she’s not writing, Emma can be found at the gym, one of her kids sporting events, Starbucks, or a live music event.

A perfect day for Emma would be spent at her lake house with her husband, two ginger-haired children, and Vizsla, reading a book and drinking a large cup of coffee (or wine) with music playing in the background.

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Acknowledgements

To my readers! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am beyond honored that you would choose my books to read. I know you have endless choices. Thank you for talking about my books and leaving reviews, sending emails, and sharing them with your book clubs. You have no idea how much that all means to me. I am forever grateful.

This book was so much fun for me to write! Finally getting to the conclusion of Kate and River’s story was what kept my fingers flying over the keys. Oh, and music, my constant muse. There wouldn’t be a book without music. I can play a song over and over and over to get a scene just right. I’m grateful for the talented artists out there who I get to listen to and gather inspiration from. It’s a beautiful thing.

To my husband, the best guy I know. Thanks for always encouraging me! I love you and your unwavering support and high-fives!

Debra L Hartmann with The Pro Book Editor, my editor extraordinaire! Thanks for cleaning up my messes. I cringe to think of where my stories would be without your eagle eye.

Ashley Baumann at Ashbee designs. My cover is gorgeous! You helped me capture exactly what I wanted to portray. River and Kate couldn’t look more perfect. Excellent job.

My betas! You guys are the absolute best! You read my words first and as always gave me your most honest feedback and pulled things out of me I didn’t even know were there. Your time, energy, and support are invaluable.

Nicole and everyone at IndieSagePR. I love you guys! You came up with the most awesome teasers, tours, blitzes, and reveals. You helped relieve some of my stress. What more can I say?

To all the awesome book bloggers! You guys rock! Many readers would have no idea who Emma Tharp is if it weren’t for the fabulous book bloggers taking time out of their busy lives to read and review books and display them beautifully on social media and blogs. Here are a few who helped me out in a big way: Whoo Gives a Hoot Aurora Hale, AC Book Blog, Carlene Inspired, Two Book Pushers, Chasing Away Reality, Shannon with the HEA blog, After the Pages, Rockstar Book Muse, Book Bitches Blog, Reviews from the Heart, Romazing Reader, Hanging with Amanda, What Is That Book About, Drunk on a Book, The Wandering Bookaholic, Books and Tequila, All Things Bookaholic. I apologize if I left anyone out of my list. Thank you all for the tours, shout-outs, and reviews! I appreciate every one of you.

Lastly, I’d like to thank you, the readers, again for blowing me away with your support! You guys are the best!