PROLOGUE

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 19

CHAPTER 20

CHAPTER 21

CHAPTER 22

CHAPTER 23

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

PLAYLIST

Copyright © 2017 C.L Masonite

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission of the author, except by a reviewer for the purposes of quoting brief passages. This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, or any events or businesses or occurrences, is purely coincidental. The characters and story lines are created by the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously.

Cover Model Joshua Underwood

Photography by Wander Aguiar Photography

Cover Design by CT Cover Creations

Formatting by Cassy Roop, Pink Ink Designs

Proofreading by Elaine York, Allusion Graphics, LLC

Älska mig när jag minst förtjänar det, eftersom det är då jag verkligen behöver det

—Swedish Proverb

English translation: Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.

ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE . . . I count in my mind.

I’m awake but I feel rootless—bodiless, like I’m a feather floating through the air, at the mercy of the wind. All I can do is lie in wait and count the seconds away.

Four . . . Five . . . Six . . . I breathe, unable to shake the feeling that something is not right. But I’m safe in here alone with no one to touch me. If I stop counting, then I’ll wake up and I don’t want to face whatever is waiting for me on the outside.

Seven . . . Eight . . . Nine . . .

“You need to wake up,” a disembodied voice whispers.

No, No, NO!

Ten . . . Eleven . . . T—Twelve . . . I continue to count obstinately.

“WAKE UP!” The voice yells with an urgency I can no longer ignore. I can’t save myself if it may mean sacrificing someone else. I take a deep breath and drop the walls of my mind, one by one, flinching as I allow myself to regain consciousness.

Slowly my senses awaken, my hearing the first to return. Met by silence broken merely by the piercing shriek of cicadas, I pause, on high alert, waiting for the voice to speak. I open my mouth to speak but close it quickly; maybe if I speak I’d give myself away.

My eyes open next, and my vision is filled with red. My heart stops as I realize that the red substance is none other than my own blood. For one selfish second, I hope I’m wrong but the guilty thought vanishes as I attempt to lift a hand to swipe at the slick liquid obstructing my sight.

But nothing happens. I feel no flicker of tendon or muscle responding to the synapses in my brain.

“Oh God, oh God,” I cry, unable to prevent the lament from passing through my lips. My breath halts, waiting to hear the sound of footsteps revealing my location, but there’s nothing or no one around.

And here I am on the cold, hard ground trapped in my own damn body, unable to feel a damn thing!

Why can’t I move? Am I paralyzed? What’s wrong with me? The horrifying questions cut through the shock, making me fear the worst. Horror rises in me, and I know that if I don’t get ahold of my mind that I’ll lose whatever chance I have of getting past this—of getting out of whatever this is alive.

Th—thirteen . . . F—fourteen . . . F—fifteen . . . I count. Maybe if I count the seconds away, I’ll be one second closer to regaining motion, or to someone discovering me.

Sixteen . . . Seventeen . . . Eighteen . . .

I STARED OUT into the night sky, smirking as I acknowledged that its velvety blackness was as equally and mercilessly black as my soul. For all of my sins, I would never get through the Pearly Gates to the Kingdom of Heaven. That left me with two options: lead a miserable life attempting to naïvely and relentlessly atone for my misgivings or lead a dangerously selfish, life razing hell. The second option was endlessly tempting, but I had a responsibility to right the wrongs of my past.

Every day that I failed was another day that an innocent suffered. If I had to break hearts, bones, or be it, take a life, I would. My open hands shook, belying my calm. I closed my eyes, needing to regain control. A knock sounded on the door and as I turned to face it, I stepped to the side of the window ensuring that my back would not be unprotected.

“Come in,” I ordered.

Mikhail entered, with the perpetual scorn on his face, his ire a flickering force field that would make any rational man recoil in fear. Luckily, or rather stupidly, rational was not a word that one would use to describe me.

“What took you so long?” I questioned, my voice cutting like a whipcord through the silence.

“I—I didn’t know we had a meeting tonight!” the client stuttered behind Mikhail.

“He wasn’t where we thought he’d be,” Sevastyn replied, pushing the client inside the room with such force that he almost fell.

“That’s disappointing, I had higher expectations of you both,” I admonished.

“We didn’t get the location incorrect, we just didn’t account for him being in his hidden red room of pain,” Mikhail clarified.

“Technically speaking it was robin egg blue,” Sevastyn corrected.

“No, it’s royal blue, I’m certain of it, I chose the color myself,” the client protested.

“Was there a royal crown in there, too?” I asked with false interest.

“Sadly, no,” Sevastyn responded with disappointment.

“Royal blue is a classic color that never goes out of style,” the client postured with passion.

“I prefer the color red instead,” I mused aloud, enjoying the way the client’s eyes grew round with fear. “Blood red to be exact…would you like me to show you exactly what I mean?”

“Please, allow me and before you mention it, yes, I’ve secured the perimeter and there’s not a soul in sight. Not that you’ve made it difficult for me, an abandoned warehouse located in the middle of nowhere isn’t fraught with peril,” Jarek commented sarcastically as he walked in.

“You’re n–not supposed to hurt me, you’re supposed to help me,” the client whispered meekly, his head lowered in deference.

“So you do have some backbone—good, because you’re going to need it. You said you needed my services, what do you need them for?” I queried as I strode toward him so we were face to face. It was easy to ask for someone else to do your dirty work for you, but I needed him to look me in the eyes, to see that whatever sin I committed for him was his, too. If he looked away then he wouldn’t have the guts to deal with the consequences of his actions, and I refused to allow my men to be placed into a situation where they could be compromised because of my misjudgment.

The client’s head drew back and even though he trembled, he managed to look me in the eyes. That would do.

“My sister’s gone off the deep end and gotten involved with the Valentijin mob as one of their newest recruits.” Immediately my eyes flashed to Mikhail who stood taller under my scrutiny. His brother was Nikolai Valentijin, and he led the Valentijin mob. Mikhail was a part of it once, it was in his blood, and if anything happened to Nikolai, then he’d be the next in line to take over. It was a responsibility he shunned, and since the day he had fought his way out of it he’d been exiled by his own family. It was Nikolai’s word alone that prevented him from being hunted down and killed. They each allowed the other to coexist, providing that they never intruded in each other’s lives or worlds.

“She wants out, but she’s too scared to leave. And everyone knows the only way you leave is if you’re dead. We all know that once you swear your allegiance, there’s no going back…you’re committed for life.” The client swallowed, his tone becoming high pitch, “Please, she’s only sixteen, she had no idea what she was getting herself into. I tried to stop her, I thought I’d convinced her to stay away from them but she was lured in by the danger. I tried to approach the cops about it but they turned me away saying it was useless. That’s why I’m here, you’re my last hope of getting her out alive,” the client pleaded. “I’ll do anything, anything you want,” he begged as he bent down and got on his knees reeking of desperation.

My head shifted to the side, as I silently asked Mikhail if he’d be okay with taking this on. His coal black eyes flared and he nodded, then looked away, and I knew his mind was no longer alert and focused, he was caught up in his past. I wanted to punch something hard, he was hurting and it was all my fault.

I felt the weight of Jarek and Sevastyn’s eyes on me, silently willing to support me in whatever decision I made. Feeling the burden on my shoulders, the power rolling through me, I decided to place my faith in Mikhail’s abilities.

“Fine, consider it done, get up from the floor. And a little piece of advice, never ever leave yourself vulnerable to attack like that. Some people have the integrity not to kick a man while he is down but those people are the minority and not the majority,” I lectured.

With reluctant relief, the client went to pick himself up but halted, “W–What, is that it?”

“Yes,” I responded monosyllabically.

“What do you want in return?” he asked, still cautiously elated.

“I don’t require payment in blood, you know how it works. I’ll call you when I need something from you and you will bend over backwards to satisfy my demand. No matter the price, you will pay it, or the person you value the most—your sister—will be the one to pay. Do we have an understanding?”

“Yes, of course, I’ll do anything you ask, when will you go for her?” the client asked as he stood back up to his full height, pushing out his chest.

“Before the week is out,” Mikhail responded before I could.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” the client sobbed.

“I’ll make sure he gets back home in one piece,” Jarek thankfully stepped in. I could deal with blood and someone trying to kick my ass but nothing made me more uncomfortable than seeing a man—or anyone else, for that matter—cry. A person was owed the bare minimum respect of breaking apart without any witnesses, and within the privacy of an empty room.

Once Jarek had left with the client, I turned my attention back to Mikhail. “Are you sure about this?”

Mikhail slouched against the wall with lazy confidence, smirking. “I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed to work for you. I may have left my past behind, but it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten all about it. I know all about the Valentijin mob’s operations, including where they take their latest recruits for training. I can get in and out without them even knowing I was there. Besides, you’re a man of your word, you’d rather die than go back on it and you’ve given it already.”

I chuckled, shaking my head. He didn’t get it, and I had to make sure he did. Mikhail’s eyes narrowed in warning, and Sevastyn stepped in between us, always the willing martyr.

“Stand down, Sev, I don’t need to knock some sense into him when words are enough.”

Stubbornly, Sevastyn remained in place. “Fine, stay there, I can communicate to Mikhail just as well over your shoulder. You’re right, Mikhail, making a promise means something to me, but you’re my broder, my brother, and you mean more to me. So, if you for one second change your mind, or get cold feet while on the job, you better damn well tell me, because you’re worth much more to me alive than dead. The same goes for you and Jarek, too,” I directed to Sevastyn.

“God, you Swedes are too sentimental for my liking. I left my family so I didn’t have to deal with all this sappiness,” Mikhail groaned.

“Mikhail . . .” I growled.

“I got it, boss. And just so you know, the same goes for you, too.”

“Affirmative,” Sevastyn added.

“I CAN HEAR FOOTSTEPS. Quick—hide!” Katia urged with panic, jumping over my bed and slipping gracefully into her bed on the other side of the room despite her right arm being in a cast. She placed her head against her pillow and closed her eyes, feigning the sleep of the angelic.

“You’re evil,” I whispered and quickly followed suit, ignoring the twinges of breathtaking pain. Although I was well into recovery, my spine had taken the brunt of my injuries and while I could do normal things like walk, the pain was only barely at a manageable level without painkillers. As much as I liked the idea of being pain free, I had to appear as if I was getting better if I was going to get out of here anytime soon.

I closed my eyes tightly, hoping for the best, that the people walking toward our room were nurses and not doctors, or even worse, my parents.

“Henry, have you given thought to our reconciliation? It would be in Emerson’s best interest for us to become a family again. She needs both of her parents right now.” My mother’s voice echoed inside the hall just outside our room.

I cringed, wishing I could somehow stop myself from hearing their conversation. My mother had left us when I was five years old, and was now trying to come back into our lives using what had happened to me as leverage to do it. A microscopically small part of me wanted to let her back in, but a larger part of me hated her. I hated her for leaving me without explanation and I hated her even more for choosing to come back into my life when I was at my weakest.

“Crap,” Katia swore, echoing my dark, inner thoughts.

“Cressida, I made sure that when you left I got sole custody of Emerson for a reason, and that reason was to keep her away from you. You didn’t even contest the claim,” he scoffed in disbelief. The anger inside me grew so much that I began to shake with it. What? She hadn’t only abandoned me; she’d given up her legal right to me!

“Em,” Katia urged.

“No, I want to listen,” I protested.

“The only reason that I am even allowing you to be around her with my limited supervision is because the psychologist recommended it. We aren’t getting back together—ever. I love Emerson to pieces but I gave you seven years of my life. I would say that I regret every single second of our marriage but there was one good thing that came out of it, and that was our child, sorry, I mean my child,” my dad continued on fiercely.

Goosebumps developed along my upper arms as I absorbed the shocking knowledge that he was showing her more emotion than he had ever shown me since she had left us.

My mother sighed and I listened closer, needing to hear her reply.

“Look, Henry, I know I failed you both terribly, but I’m back. I have worked through my crazy issues and I’m not angry with you for kicking me out. You were right to. I’m sorry for the sick excuse for a wife and mother that I was. I broke our wedding vows first. I was selfish and self-centered, but I’ve changed. Please just give me a chance to show you both. I need to earn your forgiveness. Please, Henry, you can’t be as cruel and coldhearted as you appear.”

“What Emerson and I need right now is for you to be here—silently,” he emphasized. “I don’t want you to give her false hope. I don’t trust you or your open promises. If you really mean what you say, then only time will tell. She deserves to have a mother like any other teenager. It’s too late for us, but maybe it isn’t too late for you two. I’m not giving you my blessing, I’m saying that I’ll be watching your every move and interaction with her.”

“I did just fine without a mother or father,” Katia commented drily.

“Shhh!” I remonstrated.

“Thank you, Henry,” she whispered graciously, making my stomach turn. The door clicked open and I closed my eyes again, this time to get rid of the red filling my vision.

“Really, Emerson, are you pretending to be asleep again?” Dad chided gently at the foot of my bed.

“Henry, I thought you said she was getting better,” Mother cried with concern. “I hoped she would be well enough to come home soon. Wait, what is she still doing sharing a room with Katia? She’s a bad influence. I thought I asked one of the nurses to separate them…maybe there was some miscommunication.”

“Now, Cressie, that would be counterproductive to her health improving,” my dad stepped in diplomatically before I could (a lot less diplomatically).

“Bitch,” Katia whispered beneath her breath. I coughed, putting my hand in front of my mouth to hide the laugh that was threatening to come out.

“How dare you! Henry, surely you still can’t believe that Katia’s a good influence on Emerson!” My mother gasped in disbelief.

“She’s been a good friend to me, she understands how I feel and she’s been here for me more than you have in my whole life,” I snapped back, sitting up slowly.

“That’s going to change, honey, I promise,” she whispered solemnly. Her hand reached to touch mine and I flinched, moving out of her reach.

“I can’t even touch my own daughter, we need to move her somewhere else, Henry. She clearly isn’t getting any better, it’s been three weeks,” she appealed to him.

My body began to shake at how close I had been to being touched. I couldn’t remember what had happened to me. The doctors said I had a severe case of psychogenic amnesia. I could remember everything that happened before and after the event but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t place what had happened to me in between. I’d woken up in a hospital and when I was asked to take the morning after pill that was when I realized not only had I been physically assaulted, but I’d also been touched against my will.

When the pain meds began to wear off, I felt every fingerprint that had bruised my skin, every cut and wound on every inch of body, and worst of all wasn’t even that I wasn’t allowed to move out of fear that that the damage to my spine was so bad as to leave me paralyzed. The worst was the feeling of rawness between my legs and how I could still feel him inside me. For weeks after that I was catatonic. I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk for fear of screaming, I couldn’t sleep without being drugged, and no matter how many showers I took, I couldn’t wash away the feeling of being violated.

It was only after Katia was brought in and put in the same room as me on Doctor Fleur’s orders that the numbness had slowly began to recede. She’d been assaulted like me and I couldn’t stay hidden away in the safe recesses of my mind when she needed me more. We shared each other’s pain and fears, we knew each other’s boundaries, and we knew when to leave each other alone when the other was hurting and needed solace.

“You guys both need to leave,” Katia said while getting out of her bed.

“You have no right to say that,” my mother spat out.

I took a deep breath in trying to control my nervous system, but I couldn’t quite manage it. My breathing was becoming choppier and shallower with every second that passed.

“She’s getting worse—leave, Cressida!” my father commanded as he pressed the button for the nurses.

“I’m telling you, she needs space, you’re crowding her in,” Katia urged.

The door smacked open against the wall and two nurses entered, one roughly turned me on my side, while the other hitched up my gown. I cried out as I felt a needle head piercing my hip. Everything faded, turning black.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE my daughter’s in a psych ward, she’s not a crazy lunatic who deserves to be holed up in a mental institution,” my mother growled with frustration.

Her voice penetrated through the foggy silence in my mind, waking me up from my deep sleep.

“That isn’t why she’s here, Mrs. Monsoon, and being in a mental institution isn’t something to be ashamed of. This is the best place for her recovery. Even as a trained psychologist myself, I can’t even try to unlock her memory to discover what happened to her that night, it’s too dangerous. I can help her with her fear of being touched but going any further than that could worsen her trauma. She needs to feel safe in order to heal and keeping her here allows her to feel that way,” Doctor Fleur replied.

“Don’t you think taking her home would be better?” My dad asked with a weary sigh.

“No, she isn’t ready for that yet,” Doctor Fleur answered in a calm tone. “She’s not who she used to be anymore. She thinks, feels, and acts differently from how she did before she was assaulted. If you take her home, rather than feeling comfortable, she would be overwhelmed with all the expectations and feelings associated with her old self. She has to learn how to feel comfortable with how she’s changed, but more importantly, she has to face the fact that she may never recover her memory. I honestly can’t say when—or if—she will get better; her mind is a ticking time bomb that might go off at any minute. I need to make sure that if it does, that she’s well equipped to deal with it, otherwise her mind might implode and I might not ever be able to draw her out of her own body.”

“My God,” my mother gasped in horror.

“I know it’s difficult to hear what I’m telling you, but I also need you both to be prepared. There’s no easy fix, or correct method, for recovery. It’s scary, but I’m here to help you all through this,” Doctor Fleur soothed.

“Thank you, Doctor Fleur, we both can’t thank you enough. I don’t know how to be close to Emerson anymore. I try but she just pushes me away,” Dad replied, sounding like a man with a broken soul, tugging on my heartstrings.

“I completely understand. Emerson likes to hide and numb herself from those she has strong feelings about. Right now, feeling any strong emotion is too much for her. Imagine someone who was once blind, and by some miracle, being able to see again. Going from being surrounded by blackness to a world full of color would be overwhelming. Likewise, Emerson has shut herself off, in a way, turned her humanity off because she’s found it easier to not deal with her own feelings and emotions. So, when she senses yours, it triggers her own and in self-preservation she instinctively shuts down. Her fear of being touched also obviously has the same effect which is why she had a panic attack,” Doctor Fleur elaborated.

“I’m so sorry I triggered it,” Mother sobbed.

“Cressie, you couldn’t have known that trying to touch her hand would have that effect. Emerson’s not like a normal teenager, it’s not your fault,” Dad murmured gently. Guilt filled me, I hated the way I was, but I didn’t know how to get better. The only way I knew how to feel safe was to protect myself from anything or anyone who could possibly make me feel pain.

“He’s right, Mrs. Monsoon. No one in this room is responsible for what has happened to Emerson. She doesn’t ice you out because she hates you or because you scare her. Hold onto that thought every time she flinches or draws away from you,” Doctor Fleur instructed.

“I can’t express how grateful we are that you’re helping us through this. With you here we know that Emerson will come out on the other side stronger, regardless of whether she regains her memory. Should we stay or will she be out for only a little while longer?” Dad asked.

“It’s late, and I doubt she’ll be in a good mood after being injected with a strong sedative. I’m sure you’re both exhausted, I’ll tell her you waited for her to wake up,” Doctor Fleur advised.

I sighed once the door clicked closed, relishing the silence. Then it hit me . . . Doctor Fleur had referred to my mother as Mrs. Monsoon . . . were my parents still married or was it an oversight? Surely if it was, my dad would have corrected her immediately. If they were still married, then maybe my dad only pretended to hate her, because if he really did then he would have taken the final step to cut any ties between them years ago. I really, really hoped he didn’t still love her, both for his sake and mine.

“I know you’re awake, Emerson,” Doctor Fleur’s cool voice cut through my thoughts.

I opened my eyes, realizing that she’d stayed behind. “Did you really mean what you said—about me possibly never remembering what happened to me?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“I meant every word that I said,” she replied.

That was all the more reason for me to get out of here as soon as possible.

“I don’t want to stay here anymore,” I murmured tiredly.

“I’m sorry, Emerson, but that’s not for you to decide. Until you turn eighteen, you’re under your father’s care, and he has the authority to keep you here until he sees fit to take you home. And I’m afraid that won’t be until you get better. I’m here to help make that happen—I’m not the enemy,” she prodded gently.

“I honestly appreciate all that you’ve done for me, but not everything can be fixed by medicine and an endless supply of drugs,” I replied with annoyance.

“I get what you’re trying to do, you’re trying to test my patience, get me angry enough to think that you’re not worth the effort so I’ll give up trying to help you. I won’t, but that’s fine, you can keep on trying, but every time you push me away, you’re hurting yourself—not me. I’m not the one who can’t bear to me touched, and I’m not the one who is controlled by fear. I can tell that there’s no use trying to talk to you while you’re in this mood. Meet me in my office tomorrow at 10 a.m. and we can try this all over again, but hopefully you’ll have a better attitude. Goodnight, Emerson,” Doctor Fleur smiled serenely and left, not waiting for a reply.

“Wow, she is either seriously delusional or she actually believes the bullshit she spouts,” I heard Katia chuckle from somewhere.

“Where are you?” I whispered back in bemusement, my eyes sweeping across my room, finding it empty save for the cabinet in the corner, but surely there’s no way she’d be hiding out in there.

“I’m in the room next door, your mother complained to Doctor Fleur saying that I was inhibiting your progress. Ironically, there’s a hole in the wall, so I can still communicate with you,” she replied and I knew that if I looked at her face she would be smirking.

“You made that hole, didn’t you?” I shrewdly guessed.

“Yep,” she replied unabashedly.

“Not even a shred of remorse for your actions,” I commented, “I don’t feel any on your behalf either; this is why we make such great friends,” I laughed.

“Do you think what Doctor Fleur said is true?” Katia asked, all traces of humor gone.

“Which part?”

“All of it,” she sighed.

“I have no clue, I’m sick of being psychoanalyzed. I mean I can’t deny that there’s a certain point in which medicine gets you better, but I think we’ve reached that point. The antidepressants don’t solve anything, they just make me numb and I feel like I’m an outsider in my own body. I need to breathe, I need to let out all this pent-up anger, there’s no outlet for it here. I want to remember what it’s like to be in love with life. I want to feel free and careless again. I need to remember what it’s like to be happy for just a second, otherwise what’s the point of fighting?” I philosophized.

“You’re completely right. We’re not going to get better being stuck in here. As a ward of the state I’m also stuck in here until I’m eighteen, but I don’t think I can last that long either.” She paused and I waited, knowing there was more that she wasn’t saying.

“To be honest, while I’m scared of being in here, I’m also kind of scared of being outside, too. They haven’t caught the person or people who hurt either one of us. All we know is that they were two isolated incidents in two different locations. What if they are never found or what if when we get out they come for us again?” she broke off, her voice hitching.

“Katia, stop—and take a deep breath,” I ordered. I waited until she took one, and then continued, “Good, now close your eyes. Do you remember the plan? We’re going to both get scholarships to Thorne University together. You’ll be studying Business Management majoring in Finance and Accounting and I’ll be studying Psychology and Social Work. We’re going to have a new start and completely wipe the slate clean. No one will know us there; we’ll be free from everything holding us back. Hold onto the plan! Do you remember what else we said?”

“Yep, further down the track, once we both graduate, I’ll eventually end up being a zillionaire with my own company while you’ll be a poor, social worker ridding the world of evil one case at a time,” Katia replied with her usual forceful energy, palpable even through the wall. “Thanks, I needed that reminder,” she added as an afterthought.

“Anytime. You know the drill—whenever we’re finding it tough . . .”

“Tell the other,” Katia finished.

“Exactly. And I’m pretty sure that we’ll hear back about our applications soon.”

“Whatever happens, if one of us doesn’t get a scholarship, then we’ll keep applying to other universities until we both get one,” Katia promised stoically.

“Yep, we’re in it together. But I know we’ll both get into Thorne.

“I know, I was just trying to be modest,” Katia affirmed confidently as if it were a foregone conclusion.

LYING AWAKE, UNWILLING to close my eyes I stared at the white wall opposite me needing to make sure that I exhausted myself so that when I finally fell asleep I’d dream of nothing. Too bad Katia had fallen asleep about two hours ago.

I turned on my side and slowly heaved myself out of bed and made my way into the bathroom. I shied away from the mirror taking care not to look at myself. If I did I knew what I would see—two dead looking eyes with bruised rings around them, limp, brown hair, pale skin, and two scars. One was just above my larynx that the doctors said I was very lucky wasn’t half an inch lower, because if it was, then my ability to speak could have been compromised, and the other one that was three inches long spanned across my right jawbone. The red, raised flesh had healed but the scars would never completely disappear. I had tried to think up some reasonable excuses to account for the scars for my anticipated foray back into civilization but I’d come up with nothing more credible than a car accident.

I was worried though if I started lying then I wouldn’t be able to stop. It would be so easy to fabricate a life discounting my assault, like it had never happened, but the scars would be a constant reminder. I sighed, turning on the tap and cupped my hands underneath it making sure it was as cold as possible before lifting the well of water to my face, the ice coldness keeping away the cobwebs of sleepiness.

Closing the tap, I paused, hearing a cry that sounded like a wounded animal. I clambered my way next to the wall, and pressed my ear to the wall. I could just make out the sound of Katia’s whimpers. Crap, crap, crap!

I looked through the glass pane of my door, making sure no one was in sight, and quickly made my way over to her room.

Katia was asleep in her bed, writhing from side to side, her body fighting some unknown predator. “Please . . . no . . . don’t . . . don’t . . . God, it hurts!” she cried, tears dropping down onto her cheeks.

“Katia,” I whispered urgently, not wanting to wake up any other patients in case they brought the nurses running here. If they saw her like this, they’d immediately say she was relapsing and then they’d send her to isolation and I couldn’t let that happen.

“Katia,” I repeated louder, “You need to wake up, please, before someone hears you!”

“No more . . . Please, I can’t take . . . no more,” Katia sobbed her voice echoing in the room.

Crap, someone was going to hear. Knowing the worst thing would be to touch her and give credence to her nightmares, I grabbed the jug of water sitting on her bedside table and poured some of it around her neck and some on her face.

Immediately her eyes opened and she sprang up, her hands wrapping around her body in self-defense.

“God, Katia, I’m sorry, you were crying out, I tried to wake you but I couldn’t reach you. What can I do? I thought it would be better if I didn’t call one of the nurses. Did you want me to?” I asked, now that the shock had fully set in, I realized I was partially shaking. I quickly hid my hands behind my back; I couldn’t be weak right now when she needed me to be strong for her.

Although Katia was awake, she stared right through me like I wasn’t there and hadn’t moved her hands away from her defensive stance.

“Katia, did you hear what I said? Do you want me to get someone?” I repeated in a forceful voice needing to get a response from her. She was really starting to scare me.

Her head jerked and I saw some of the life restoring in her eyes. “Sorry, no, no, don’t get anybody . . . I just need to be alone,” she whispered shakily.

“I don’t think you should be alone right now,” I said worriedly.

“I’ll tell you everything, I swear, but I need some space. I don’t know if what I just saw was a nightmare . . . or if it was real . . . because if it is . . . I . . . Please, I just need a little bit of time to mull it over, alone, before I can even think of talking it over with you. I haven’t gone insane,” Katia poured out in a rush.

I swallowed, “Do you think you remember what happened to you?” I questioned.

“I . . . I don’t know,” Katia uttered brokenly, her body curling in a fetal position.

“I should definitely stay then. I really don’t think it’s a good idea for me to leave you like this,” I replied with concern.

“Please, Em, I know you want to help and I love you for that, but I don’t want to talk about it right now. I need some space,” she implored.

I bit down hard on my lip, tasting blood. “Okay, I understand, take all the time you need, if you need me I’ll be in my room,” I conceded. “But, if it gets to be too much, I need you to promise that you’ll come and get me. I know we swore we’d stop taking the antidepressants but if you need one to cope . . .”

“No, no drugs!” Katia wailed. “I’m okay. And, yes, I promise I’ll come to you if I can’t handle it. You can trust me, thank you for understanding.”

I nodded, trying to smile reassuringly, but I knew it was anything but. It didn’t matter anyway; Katia was looking away, rocking back and forth mulling over whatever she’d seen. I hated leaving her like that but I had to respect what she wanted. I’d give her thirty minutes, and then I’d go and check on her.

I counted the minutes down, consumed with anxiety, and when the time was finally up I all but ran to her room. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door, but she wasn’t lying where I’d left her. My heart began to beat faster. I pushed open her bathroom door and didn’t see her there either. Icy sweat began to bead on my brow.

Where the hell could she have gone?

Everything slowed down, and all I could hear was my rising heartbeat. I had to make a choice, try and find her myself or alert someone she was missing . . .

I had to at least try to find her myself, the thought of the consequences of her not being in her room made me shudder. I left her room and searched up and down the hallways, and didn’t find any trace of her. Fear began to set in. I leaned against the wall and slid down, falling to the floor. I needed to think.

“What are you doing outside of your room?” a nurse asked, all the while eyeing me with derision.

“I don’t know where Katia went, she was in her room before, then she . . . she got upset . . . I was going to check on her and she’s not there now,” I breathed out, needing to make her understand.

“Which patient is Katia? Have you taken your meds or are you hallucinating? That’s all I need right now after having to deal with a patient who tried to bite one of the other nurses,” the nurse replied tiredly.

“She’s patient 104. Please, I need you to listen. She’s not in her room…she’s missing,” I stressed, pushing myself back up using the wall. My legs trembled and I felt my panic begin to spin out of control. She wasn’t listening!

“Please go back to your room while I go and check on patient 104,” the nurse replied sternly.

“You’re wasting time, I already know she isn’t in there!” I protested, banging my fist against the wall in desperation. “We need to look for her!”

“Go back to your room…now,” the nurse ordered. “And you know violence is not allowed. Do it again and we’ll have to strap you down.”

“I’m sorry but you’re not hearing me. I need to help you look for her.”

“You shouldn’t even be out here in the halls,” the nurse admonished as she grabbed my left arm and began dragging me to my room. I tried to resist but she was too strong. Panic began to set in from being touched, but the panic of Katia missing was greater. The need to find her eclipsed all my other terror. “I’ll do what I said and first check for myself if patient 104 is in her room. If she isn’t then I will alert the right people to search for her. You need to go back to your room and let me do my job. This better not be some distraction that you’ve cooked up so that you can both escape.”

“It’s not, I promise!” I yelled as she pushed me inside my room, and locked the door before I could swing it back open. Hearing her footsteps fading as she walked in the direction of Katia’s room, I ran to the hole in the wall and peeked in.

My breath whooshed out of me in stark relief as I saw the nurse walk in Katia’s room then put her finger on her comm. “Patient 104 is not in her room,” she spoke into it clinically, “patient 98, Emerson Monsoon, reported her missing. Please confirm once she’s found.”

“Affirmative,” a crackled voice replied.

I slid down the wall thankful others would be searching for her. She’d probably kick my ass once they found her, but I’d happily take listening to her complain to me if they found her safe. I was useless locked in my room, but with others on the lookout for her there was a greater chance she would be found a lot quicker than I would be able to find her on my own.

“SIX HUNDRED AND one . . . Six hundred and two . . . Six hundred and three . . .” I counted robotically out loud. That made roughly about ten minutes and now seven seconds since I had last heard the nurse send out the alert that Katia was missing. It was also forty minutes and now eight seconds since I had last seen her.

“Six hundred and four . . .”

My gaze latched onto my opening door, and I paused in my counting, hoping it would be Katia who walked through it.

“Emerson, could you come with me?” Doctor Fleur asked. I tamped down my disappointment and got up.

“Did you find her?” I shot at her.

“Follow me,” Doctor Fleur demanded.

“Are you taking me to her?” I replied with eagerness, following close behind her.

Doctor Fleur continued to take the lead, remaining stoically poised, and opened another door that she gestured for me to pass through. I stepped past it, and as I walked deeper into the room I saw a man seated at a sterile, metal table.

“Thank you for bringing her here, Doctor Fleur,” he delivered with cold execution. “Miss Monsoon, please take a seat,” he commanded, pointing at the chair directly opposite him.

I sat down quickly, wanting answers.

“Who are you?” Are you here about Katia?” I questioned, looking him in the eyes, unflinchingly.

“Nurse Johnson said that you were the one who alerted Katia missing. What made you check on her?”

“My room is next to hers, I heard her crying so I went and checked on her. She was having a nightmare so I woke her up. She was scared and distraught but when I told her I would stay with her she said she wanted to be alone,” I responded.

“And so you left her,” Mr. Unknown retorted, scathingly.

“Yes, I did. I decided to respect her right to privacy. I had every intention of checking on her again, and I did thirty minutes later,” I replied, defensively. I didn’t like where his line of questioning was going.

“A lot can happen in thirty minutes, like a girl going missing. We checked everywhere and couldn’t find her,” he commented. “When you went to check on her the second time did you see the note laying on the floor?”

“No, I didn’t see anything, I was too worried about where she’d gone. What does it say? Did she say where she went? She wouldn’t leave without me,” I denied hotheadedly. I needed to use the anger; otherwise I’d allow the panic to consume me.

“Emerson, she didn’t,” Doctor Fleur interjected, her calm façade beginning to crack as she squeezed her neck anxiously.

“What do you mean? But you said she’s not in any of the rooms; that you couldn’t find her,” I said with confusion.

“This is the note we found in her room,” he returned, sliding over a creased note that was bagged. “Read it out loud,” he asserted with fire in his eyes.

I gulped then tore my eyes from his. My vision became blurred as I spoke the written words, “I’m sorry I br–broke my promise, Emerson, please f–forgive me.”

“There’s no easy way to say this . . . Emerson, she committed suicide, she jumped off the roof,” he hissed.

“No, no, you’re lying. NO!” I yelled, banging my hands on the table, the pain replacing the empty ache in my heart.

“Why was she upset? Did you know she was going to do this? Her body is lying broken outside,” he barked.

“That’s enough,” Doctor Fleur broke in.

I turned to her, needing her to verify it. I didn’t know him, but I knew her. She wouldn’t lie to me. “Is it . . .” I paused to swallow the bile in my throat, “Is it true?” I got out, my chest heaving with the effort.

She looked at me with pity and I closed my eyes as she delivered the words that I knew were coming, “Yes, yes, it is Emerson, I’m so sorry.” She laid a hand on mine, trying to comfort me, but the skin contact triggered me and I fell backwards, out of the chair, landing on the cold, hard ground.

Like Katia before, I curled into a ball unthinking as my body began convulsing, shutting down on me.

“You pushed her too hard,” I heard Doctor Fleur spit out.

“I was just doing my job,” he fired back arrogantly.

“You’re meant to serve and protect,” Doctor Fleur replied sarcastically as she bent down and felt my pulse. “Her pulse is all over the damn place, call in the nurses, she needs to be sedated before she hurts herself.”

“On it,” he shot back, and I heard his footsteps leave the room.

“I’m sorry, Emerson, I didn’t mean to touch you, I forgot,” Doctor Fleur said as her touch left me.

“Hold her down,” another person shouted.

My gown was lifted and I winced as I felt the needle enter in the exact same place the other one had. The injection spread through my body freezing my muscles, rushing through my bloodstream, and as my neurons slowed I welcomed the oblivion.

“WHY IS SHE still not awake? It’s been forty-eight hours. Shouldn’t she be awake by now?” I heard my dad ask.

“The meds should be out of her system by now. She’s not awake because she doesn’t want to be,” I heard Doctor Fleur reply.

“Can’t we make her wake up?” Cressida sniped.

My eyes closed and I drifted back to sleep . . .

“The coroner has confirmed what we assumed. Katia committed suicide. They are holding her funeral later today,” Doctor Fleur advised.

“It’s a shame that Emerson isn’t in a fit state to attend. I think she would have liked to,” my dad said morosely.

“I’m going,” I murmured croakily, fighting the weight of sleep that was trying to pull me under.

“Emerson, how are you feeling?” Doctor Fleur questioned.

“I’m feeling well enough to go to Katia’s funeral. There’s nothing that you can say or do to stop me from going,” I said, pulling the blankets off my body and gingerly sitting up.

“What do you think, Doctor Fleur?” Dad said turning to her.

“Well, physically, I don’t think she’s up to it, but mentally I think she would benefit from saying goodbye to her friend,” Doctor Fleur recommended.

“Thank you,” I said softly. “How far away is the funeral?”

“It’s about a two-hour drive from here, and it’s being held at eleven. It’s at the Hallstone Cemetery, close to the orphanage where she lived. There’s no church service, the caretaker of the orphanage said that she had tried to get a priest to conduct one but couldn’t because it’s against religion to have a service or burial for someone who has . . .” she paused awkwardly.

“For someone who has committed suicide,” I completed, the words feeling wrong. Katia had always been filled with such strength and courage that it still didn’t make sense that she would take her own life. It was my . . . No! I couldn’t deal with it right now. I couldn’t fall apart. I didn’t get to wallow in misery and break down.

“Honey,” my mother began in a voice as soft as gossamer wings.

“No,” I said as I went to the cabinet and took out my only pair of pants, shoes, and top that I had here.

“I just want to be here for you,” she continued on more bravely.

“No,” I repeated.

“No? That’s all I get!” she cried dramatically, her hands going to her hips. Looking at her my brows creased as I tried to place what she was trying to act like, and then it hit me…she was trying to act like she was my mum. But she wasn’t, at least not in all the ways that it meant to be a mum.

“Cressie, let it go, she’s grieving,” my dad cajoled.

“Fine,” she said, her hands moving to put back the only strand of hair out of place.

“I don’t want her to come with us to the funeral either,” I asserted.

“I will be coming,” Mother protested, her finger pointing down at the ground in emphasis.

“No, you won’t be. Katia’s funeral isn’t about you or me. It’s about what Katia would have wanted, and I know she wouldn’t want you to be there. Also, I don’t need your support. I’ve done just well without it for the past twelve years of my life,” I said scornfully.

Her mouth fell open in shock. I had been tolerant of her being around but I had never shown any distaste for her presence. I quickly retreated to the bathroom door and closed it just in time to muffle her anticipated explosion. I could hear my dad trying to calm her down, but I didn’t care.

My eyes watered in pain as I bent my arm backwards to undo the ties at the back of my hospital gown, but I persisted not wanting anyone to touch me, let alone be close enough to touch. I threw off my pair of slippers and slipped on the pants and top. If I wanted to make it in time for the funeral I had to leave now. I sat down on the cover of the toilet seat needing some time—just a quick moment to collect myself.

“Emerson, if we’re going to be there on time we need to leave now,” my dad called through the door.

“I’m coming out now,” I replied, wiping my sweaty hands on the towel next to the toilet.

Opening the door, I found myself face to face with him.

“Ready?” he asked. With relief I saw that neither Doctor Fleur nor my mother were in the room.

“No, but let’s go,” I urged.

“DO YOU NEED me to come with you?” Dad asked awkwardly as he brought the car to a halt.

My hand paused on the car door handle as my eyes latched on the freshly dug grave where Katia would be laid to rest. There were only two people waiting beside it: a gravedigger and an older lady who must be the caretaker Katia used to talk to me about with such affection. I was scared to get out and face the reality of Katia’s death, but seeing her caretaker there gave me that extra boost of strength.

“Thanks, Dad, but I think I need to do this myself.”

“Okay, I’ll wait inside here then,” he said with barely disguised relief.

I nodded then exited, taking a deep breath as I walked and stopped beside the other two. “I don’t know how this is supposed to go because I’ve never been to a funeral before, but since we haven’t met I should probably introduce myself. I’m Emerson, I met Katia at Zaston Institution, we were roommates,” I blurted out.

The woman’s sad eyes warmed in an effort to make me feel comfortable. A beautiful smile bloomed, soothing my nerves. If I was an orphan and I saw that smile I would immediately think everything was going to be okay.

“I’ve been to too many, sad to say. Don’t worry, Emerson, there’s never a right way to say goodbye. I’m Dahlia, Katia’s caretaker. Katia came to me as a little baby all alone in the world, yet somehow she was the happiest baby I’d ever seen. I would have adopted her but I couldn’t choose one child over another. All of the children at the orphanage are my children.”

Those words echoed in my mind, drawing me into a long-lost memory …

“I need some drugs,” Katia whimpered, her whole body shaking from withdrawal symptoms. From the other side of the room my own body shook for the same reason.

“No, you don’t need it,” I replied through chattering teeth. “We have to fight through this, we’ve become powerless because of the drugs. It’s easy to be completely numb to everything, but in order for us to get out of here and to get better we need to become independent from the drugs. We need to take back our own lives and this is the first step. You can’t give up, Katia, I won’t let you,” I swore.

“Damn, I never thought I would ever meet a person more stubborn them me,” she threw back at me half angry, half teasing. In the next minute, she glanced longingly at the door; while she scratched agitatedly at her skin, hunger clearly portrayed on her face.

“Katia, look at me,” I begged. “Take your mind off the drugs, tell me something happy,” I urged.

“I’m an orphan, I grew up lonely and starved of affection, I have no happy memories,” she replied sarcastically.

“Katia,” I reprimanded.

“Fine, but only because I don’t want to think about downing another drug. It was when I was six years old, the very first day of kindergarten, when I realized that my living situation wasn’t normal. I didn’t have a mother or father and the other children I lived with weren’t my actual family.”

“You’re making me want to take another drug because of how depressing this is!”

“Shut up, the good part is coming. I refused to get dressed for my second day of school, pretending to be sick of course to avoid having to talk about it. Dahlia came in and checked on me and when she saw that I wasn’t the least bit sick she asked me what was wrong. I said to her, I have no mum, dad, brother, or sister like all the other kids, why am I different, why doesn’t anyone want me, is there something wrong with me?”

“Dahlia laughed, and said, ‘yes, Katia, you are different but it’s not because nobody wants you or there’s something wrong with you. You’re special. Unlike other kids, you get to choose your family, anyone in the world that you want can be your family; all you have to do is ask.’ I looked at her with confusion thinking it couldn’t be that easy, and why hadn’t I asked before? When I asked her if she would be my mum, she said, ‘Katia, from the very first moment you stepped into this orphanage you became my child and I have loved you ever since like a mum loves her daughter.’ From that moment on I never felt alone because she’s always been there for me,” Katia smiled and it was the first and only true smile I’d seen in all the time I had been with her.

My mind flicked back to the present and I smiled. “Even though you never took the formal step to adopt her, that didn’t matter in her mind. I remember her telling me about how she asked you to be her mum. For all intents and purposes she loved you like a daughter loves a mum. Thank you for showing her love and how to love, because without her I never would have gotten out of my depression. She made me a better person, and that’s because you made her one of the best people I will ever meet on this Earth.”

“Thank you,” Dahlia sobbed. “Katia may be gone, but in this lonely, grief stricken moment she’s given me you. Those words mean everything to me. I’ve felt so guilty because I never went and saw her while she was at the institution. She told me she didn’t want me to see her in her ‘messed up’ condition and that I needed to stay and take care of the children. I shouldn’t have listened to her. God, I wish I didn’t . . .” she broke off miserably.

She wasn’t the only one guilty of listening to Katia when she shouldn’t have.

“Please, Dahlia, you have to know that Katia didn’t hurt herself because you didn’t go to see her,” I soothed. “She wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up like this. Katia was self-sacrificing and selfless in the best and worst of ways. She would have been angry and probably would have refused to see you if you had gone against what she wanted,” I murmured consolingly.

Dahlia laughed, wiping the tears from her eyes, “You’re probably right, she was always stubborn to the bone. I love you, Katia, and I always will,” Dahlia professed as she placed a single yellow lily on Katia’s casket.

I picked up another lily and placed it beside Dahlia’s. Touching the mahogany casket that held her body, I smiled brokenly, whispering my goodbye, “I’ll miss you, Katia, always and forever. Now you can be as free and as wild as you truly deserve to be.”

DAHLIA AND I stayed until the gravedigger lowered Katia’s casket to the bottom of the grave and began to shovel dirt on top. We parted as two souls irrevocably touched and broken by the same beautiful, departed soul that now lived high above us in the sky.

I got back into the car, feeling empty and lost.

“You haven’t cried yet,” my dad said as he drove us back. “Should I be worried?”

He didn’t get it. I couldn’t . . . I didn’t have the right to cry. I should have stayed with her. I never should have listened to what she wanted. It was my fault that she was gone . . . that she had thrown herself off the roof rather than come to me. I may have been able to stop her … I wasn’t there when she had needed me most and now she was gone . . . forever.

“This isn’t the way back to the hospital,” I noted, trying to change the topic.

“No, I had a discussion with Doctor Fleur. After what happened she thinks it’s best that you come back home. I even convinced her to come to the house and have your usual weekly sessions with her.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I cried, wishing I could take the smallest step to squeeze his hand. My freedom meant everything to me.

“It’s fine,” he replied uncomfortably, clearing his throat, “She said it would help you to get better.”

“It will, Dad, I promise to try harder to get better.”

“Just don’t . . . ” he stopped, and then started again, “Just don’t do what Katia did.”

I swallowed and whispered, “I won’t, Dad.”

“GEEZ, SHE’S HEAVY,” Sevastyn complained as he readjusted the girl who was slipping from his hold.

“Don’t drop her,” Mikhail warned. “I didn’t just save her for you to go and give her a concussion because you weren’t strong enough to carry her.”

“I’m training to be a surgeon, not a heavyweight champion,” Sevastyn replied. “I don’t carry her weight when I work out and I’m not as disciplined as you. Maybe you should carry her instead.”

“He already had to carry her the four kilometers it took to get to his getaway car, with the threat of exposure and possibly death hanging over his head if any of Valentijin’s men found him,” I responded with amusement.

“Fine. But do you have to play on my natural apathy for human beings? I was just joking,” Sevastyn replied.

“No, you weren’t, and you’re the only one of us with a heart,” Jarek threw in, joining the mix. “I’ll go find out where her brother is, wait here,” he ordered as he broke into the mansion.

“Well, maybe if Mikhail didn’t knock her out then she could have gotten here under her own steam,” Sevastyn winged lightheartedly. He was the weakest of all of us. He also wore his heart on his sleeve, and he always tried to fix what was broken even if there was no chance that it could be fixed, sort of like how he tried with the three of us. He was good…better than us. We had tried to get him to leave once but he said he stayed with us because he was one of us. The subject had been closed after that, but no one was here under duress. If any one of the men wanted to leave then they were free to at any time.

“You know we have to limit exposure, Sev,” I played along good-naturedly. “Plus, I’m sure the last thing Mikhail would want is for her to try and hunt him down to say thank you for saving her life. Remember our last conversation? Mikhail hates sappiness. And we don’t want him going back to his family, leaving us one man down,” I mocked.

“Shut up, you are my family, you bunch of heathens,” Mikhail reluctantly smiled.

“Alright, I found him, he’s in his royal blue room of pain. You get to see it after all, boss,” Jarek whispered, making Sev jump. Jarek was fast and deadly, and if he came after you then you were guaranteed to be a dead man. His prey would never hear or see him coming.

“A little warning next time, please,” Sev grumbled.

“Why do we keep you around again?” Jarek asked.

“He’s the check and balance to our crazy. He keeps us from getting out of hand, oh, and he stitches us back up when we get hurt. He does come in handy,” Mikhail admitted. “So you’re going to have to stop scaring him with your sudden movements, you might just scare him to death one day,” he taunted.

“Alright, that’s enough. We’ll revisit the subject later, and besides, I’m eager to see the room,” I said, “Jarek, lead the way,” I gestured with my left hand.

He gave me a royal bow like he was a court jester, “It would be my pleasure, boss,” he sang.

We followed him up two sets of stairs, then through a dressing room with lots of wild clothing. I gave Mikhail a look of disgust that he returned with a grimace; Zack had quite the eclectic taste for leopard spots and zebra stripes. I hoped, at the very least, that he only ever wore those suits for dress-up parties.

Zack’s back was turned to us as we walked in, and I had to give it to him, the color was royal blue. He was cleaning some piece of equipment that I’d never seen before and I didn’t want to know what it did.

“So, what do you get up to in here alone?” I said breaking the silence.

Zack almost flew a foot up in the air, and I smiled as I heard my men chortle.

Zack swore beneath his breath as he turned to face us, “I was preparing the suspension bars for use tonight,” he said, justifying his weird behavior.

“Oh, so that’s what that is. I prefer my women to be writhing freely and willingly underneath me,” I smirked.

“I believe this belongs to you,” Sevastyn interrupted, stepping out from behind Mikhail where he was hidden.

“Terra,” Zack gasped, hugging her to him. “What did you do to her?” he said, placing her on the bed, which I hoped was sanitized for her sake, and felt for her pulse with fear. “I asked you to bring her back unharmed!”

“Calm down, I only injected her with a knockout drug, there are no side effects. We checked her medical records and made sure she’d have no negative reaction to it. She’ll be out for another hour. When she comes to she’ll be back to normal,” Mikhail replied before I could.

“Thank you, I can’t believe you did it! I’ll be forever grateful,” Zack said, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, just don’t try and hug me,” Mikhail warned.

“Hold onto that gratitude, Zack, because the time to pay up is now,” I said tossing him a file, which he just barely caught.

“What’s this?” he inquired.

“There’s a student who will be taking your father’s class this semester. I know all about his teaching methods and how he tests his students by giving them each a patient to treat. I want your father to make sure that the student listed in that file by name will be paired with the subject I’ve picked out. He’s currently not in the program but your father sources the subjects from the same place where the subject is being treated. I have both the student and subject’s details in that file,” I instructed.

Zack swallowed, “I’ll give it to my dad, but I can’t make any promises.”

“We gave you back your sister, and we can take her back and give her to the Valentijin mob anytime,” I growled as I advanced toward him and pinned him to the wall.

“Okay, okay, I’ll make it happen,” he whimpered, bending his head in supplication.

“Good, that’s what I like to hear. I’ll give you a call in twenty-four hours’ time to make sure you’ve gotten it done, be ready.”

“WELL?” I ASKED, never one to answer the mobile with a hello.

“I gave the file to my dad,” Zack replied. “He said he’d make sure the student was paired with the subject. It didn’t take too much convincing; he was grateful for what you did. And he also said to make sure nothing blows back on him because he loves his job.”

“That won’t be a problem,” I replied, grinning.

“We’re even n–now, right?” he stuttered.

“Yes, we’re done,” I replied, ending the call.

TWO WEEKS HAD passed since I had come home and I know that I should feel some degree of happiness, but I didn’t.

After the first night of being home I woke up screaming so loud that my dad came running, which caused him to shake so hard he couldn’t speak. When he was finally able to he said that he wanted to take me back to Zaston Institution so in that moment I made sure that I only slept during the day when he was gone.

When I didn’t ‘wake up’ yelling the following night, my dad relented, allowing me to stay. The first week he was quietly and awkwardly over-attentive, hovering close nearby as if to catch me in case I slipped off the ledge of insanity. I appreciated it, but all it did was put us both on edge. When neither of us could stand the tension of being in the same house—within close proximity yet so far away from each other—he started to go out for long periods of time in the night.

Tonight, I was going to find out where. I switched off my bedside table and pretended to be asleep. Sure enough, thirty seconds later I heard footsteps at my bedroom door.

“Emerson, are you asleep?” I heard my dad ask lightly.

When I didn’t respond I heard him quietly leave, and when he opened the front door I quickly jumped out of bed to go after him. The other times I noticed he had left on foot, and this time was no different.

I followed thirty paces behind thankful there weren’t too many people around at the moment, but then that would just mean that they were all out in the city. It was Friday night and it looked like that was where we were headed.

Dad entered Giuseppe’s, an Italian restaurant that I remember we used to go to a lot when I was little. I paused near the front window, wondering whom he was meeting. A waitress gestured for him to follow her, leading him to a corner where a beautiful woman was seated at a table. He thanked the waitress, then turned and kissed his date on the cheek and as he did so she wrapped a manicured hand around his waist, squeezing his side, the gesture suggestive of prior intimacy.

A massive smile lit up his face and I couldn’t help but wonder how long he had known her. Why was it so easy for him to show affection to her? I hated myself for the jealousy that had sprung up inside me. It was poisonous and it tempted me to go inside and somehow sabotage their relationship, but that was just selfish thinking. He deserved to be happy, to be loved and in love, and at least he wasn’t rekindling his relationship with my mother.

I quickly moved out of sight just in case they turned to look outside, even though I knew the chances of that happening was slim judging from the rapt look of attention on both of their faces and the way their bodies leaned close toward each other.

I walked a couple steps back toward home then stopped, my heart in my mouth as I saw two very familiar faces. My ex-boyfriend was twirling my cousin around playfully. He stopped her mid-spin pulling her body hard against his and dipped her back as his mouth locked on hers passionately.

I drew my black hoodie over my face moving toward the shadows to avoid detection.

“Em, is that you?” I heard a loud voice tremulously ask behind me. I mentally groaned. Valerie and my cousin used to be best friends with me up until the night we had been out celebrating our graduation from high school. That was the night when we had driven three hours north into the city and had illegally gone clubbing for the first time at Salazar’s. It was also the night that I had been assaulted.

While I’d been distracted by my thoughts, she stepped out in front of me. She took one look at my eyes, and then zeroed in on the scars on my jaw and neck in shock.

“Scars are fashionable these days, not to mention they have the added purpose of keeping predators away,” I seethed defensively.

She flinched like I had shot a bullet into her. “I’m sorry . . . I didn’t mean to stare,” Val apologized sincerely.

“Val, who are you talking to?” Liliana interrupted.

“It’s . . . Emerson,” she said reluctantly, knowing it was too late to deny as Liliana and Jaxson walked toward us.

“Very funny, Val,” Liliana laughed free heartedly. I’d forgotten what it looked like to have no demons or fears beyond worrying about whether the boy you were in love with loved you back. Just like I’d worried when I thought I’d been in love with Jaxson. I thought I was at the time, but if I really had been then I would be hurting a hell of a lot more than I was right now.

“Lily, she isn’t lying,” Jaxson croaked unable to look me in the eye. He jerked his hand away from where it was locked with Liliana’s but not fast enough.

“W–What are you doing here?” Liliana croaked, wrapping her arms around herself like she was a victim.

“What am I doing being back in my own hometown? I have just as much right to be here as you do,” I threw back bitterly, deliberately misinterpreting her question.

“That’s not what she meant . . . we thought you were at . . .” Valerie broke off awkwardly.

“You mean at Zaston Institution? I was, but they decided to let me out on good behavior. I thought I’d come back and see why none of you ever came to visit me,” I said scornfully.

They all recoiled and it felt good. I had the power to make or break them. I was their guilty secret; they’d left me behind. They’d moved on like I’d meant nothing to them at all while I was stuck in the past.

“I’m sorry.” They all spoke at once.

“That’s not good enough,” I spat, wanting to draw blood, just like I’d bled.

“We couldn’t face you, especially after we’d left you at the club when we couldn’t find you. We thought maybe you’d gone back to the hotel,” Valerie confided brokenly. Guilt hit me, and I felt the anger slip away, being replaced by sorrow.

“It was our fault you were . . . Instead of heading back to the hotel to double-check that you were there, we partied until five in the morning. If we had left earlier, maybe we could have alerted the police you were missing, before you were found. Maybe we could have stopped you from being hurt at all,” Liliana added. “You’re my cousin, you’re younger than me by three months, I was supposed to look out for you. I was supposed to protect you,” she sobbed.

Jaxson immediately rubbed her back in circles trying to show his support. He looked at me pleadingly knowing that only I had the power to set them free from their guilt.

I sighed, not wanting to deal with them at all, but I had to have a guilt-free conscience.

“Look, I can’t remember what happened that night. But it wasn’t your fault that I was attacked. The police told me that the attacker had messaged you both from my mobile telling you I felt sick and that I was going to head back to our room. As much as I’m angry with you both for not coming to see me at the institution, I can’t let you continue feeling guilty about that night. It wasn’t even your fault, Liliana, that you suggested we go to Salazar’s . . .” I responded consolingly.

“Actually, it was your mother who suggested it to me when she was over at my house seeing my mum,” Liliana interrupted. She had always been a stickler for facts and truths.

“Liliana, please, just let me finish,” I urged, ignoring the technicality. “It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you, and I feel the same way about you, too, Valerie. The only person deserving of the blame is the person who hurt me. Have I made myself clear?” I questioned harshly. Valerie began to cry and all the emotion was making me feel overwhelmed.

They both nodded and I breathed in as the intense atmosphere began to disperse, becoming uncomfortable.

“Lily and I, we didn’t mean to become . . . it just happened suddenly,” Jaxson blurted out guiltily.

“It’s fine,” I found myself saying. Liliana’s mouth fell open and Jaxson stuttered, ‘W–What?”

“It is—really. I’m not just saying it. I mean, I’m not giving you my approval or blessing, I don’t want to see you two together in front of me all the time, but I’m not going to break you both up or anything like that. I need to go,” I said uneasily. It was beginning to get really dark.

“Let me make sure you get home safely, at least,” Jaxson urged.

“I’m not your girlfriend anymore, Jaxson, I’ll be fine on my own.”

“Please, I need to do this. I wasn’t there that night, the last time I said goodbye to my girlfriend I thought I was going to see her in two days’ time. Instead, I never did, I lost her. I was just about to say goodbye to Val and Lily,” he pressed.

“Okay,” I conceded, preferring to endure his presence if it meant I wouldn’t walk back alone and unguarded.

Liliana looked concerned still not believing that I wasn’t going to steal him back from her. I couldn’t be bothered to waste my breath trying to convince her otherwise.

“Let’s go. Bye, Valerie, bye, Liliana,” I muttered underneath my breath wanting to bypass the awkward goodbye.

“Bye,” they both chorused in relief.

Jaxson sped up to catch up to me, not too close, thank God—a whole other body could fit in between us.

“I still miss you, Em,” he whispered as if the words scared him.

“Don’t let Liliana catch you saying that,” I replied coldly. “There’s no hope for you and me, it’s a little late for you to profess your feelings for me,” I scorned. “You’re with my cousin now, and I’d never do what she did to me. Don’t get me confused with her.”

“I think a part of me will always love you. You were my first love,” he admitted, pulling his black hair back out of his face. His ocean blue eyes flared with forgotten memories of the two of us.

“I’ll always be fond of you,” I replied, “But I’m not the same person I was when we were together. Even if you had come to see me, I would have pushed you away. I don’t think I’m capable of having an intimate relationship anymore, and it wouldn’t have been fair for you to stay when I couldn’t give you what you deserve to have. The result still would have been the same; we would have drifted apart. I’m still angry at you though for not coming!” I replied teasingly, letting him off the hook.

I sped up faster; the less time we had together, the better.

“I know. I was a coward. I had this perfect image of you in my mind and I didn’t want to taint it. And I was scared; I was scared of seeing you differently. I wasn’t there for you and it kills me because I should have been. I should have held you every time you cried, I should have told you everything was going to be okay. I’m sorry, Emerson. I’m sorry I gave up on you when you were in pain,” he cried.

“You were a boy then…too weak to face me, but now you’re a man and you’re able to own up to your shortcomings. Thank you for apologizing. It doesn’t change the past but it releases a bit of the anger that has been lying dormant inside of me,” I smiled fleetingly.

Arriving at my house, I got out my keys from my pocket and slipped it in the keyhole.

“You were right, Emerson, you have changed. But I can see that you haven’t completely changed. You didn’t have to forgive Liliana, Valerie, and me but you did. One of the things that first drew me to you wasn’t your beauty, it was your grace. It’s still there and it still shines out of you. Let me know if you ever need anything,” Jaxson said.

“Thanks, Jaxson, but this isn’t goodnight, it’s goodbye. I hope you and Liliana are happy together,” I responded tiredly, but truthfully.

“I know you’re not happy right now, Em, but you will be someday real soon,” Jaxson replied sincerely as I unlocked the door and shut it behind me. I hoped he was right, because right now all I felt was darkness surrounding me. My demons were shadowing me, blacking out any possibility for future happiness.

“SO TELL ME, Emerson, how are you?” Doctor Fleur asked, taking a seat opposite me. She was very direct with her questions, and she never held anything back. I liked her no bullshit approach, but I liked being a closed off, bundle of enigma more.

“I’m doing pretty good,” I replied.

“Emerson, I’m not asking because I have to, I’m asking because I genuinely care. I’ve had a hard day, give me a break, will you?” Doctor Fleur begged. I saw that under her perfect mask she was really tired. I understood how that felt.

“Fine, I’m exhausted,” I relented.

“You haven’t been taking your pills, have you?” Doctor Fleur eyed me critically.

“No, I don’t like feeling like a zombie.”

“You know you don’t make it easy on yourself, Emerson,” she said, shaking her head in disapproval. “I guess that means we’re going to have to work through why you’re having your nightmares.”

“They’ve never stopped,” I replied morosely. “In them I wake up because a voice is calling me. I don’t want to wake up because I feel unsafe, but eventually I can’t ignore the voice any longer. When I open my eyes all I see is red. Blood red. I wait for the voice to speak again but no one talks. I don’t understand why I’m still having these visions,” I admit with confusion. “Why won’t they stop?”

“They are figments of your imagination cultivated from your fear of the unknown. You can’t remember what happened to you so your brain is imagining the worst-case scenario. You have to deal with what happened, otherwise the nightmare will just keep reoccurring,” she delivered with expertise.

“How can I deal with it when I bear the physical proof of what happened to me?” I cried, showing her my scars. “I have to know what happened, can’t you try hypnotherapy or something?” I asked, desperately.

“The brain is a fragile thing. It’s stored away the memory of that night in a place beyond your reach for a reason, Emerson. Maybe you should leave it alone,” she advised seriously, warning me off.

“You said I might never get it back, but Katia was beginning to,” I protested.

“What . . . When? She never told me,” Doctor Fleur muttered to herself, a crazed look in her eyes. “Did she tell you what she remembered before she died?” She threw at me before I could answer her first lot of questions.

“It was on the night she died,” I swallowed with difficulty. “I wanted to ask her what she remembered but she wanted to be alone, she said she needed to mull it over. She said she didn’t know if her nightmare was real or not, but I knew she believed it was. I’ve never seen her react the way she did, she was curled up in a ball rocking herself,” I said, lost in the memory of it.

“Maybe if you’d told me I could have helped her,” Doctor Fleur snapped, her hands wrapping around her eyes in distress.

I flinched, taken aback, but felt the truth of her words resonate deep in my bones. “You’re right,” I said hoarsely, “I’m sorry, I was stupid. I should have gotten you, I should have . . .”

“No, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry," she apologized sending me a reassuring weak smile. “I was channeling my own guilt, pushing it onto you. It wasn’t your job to take care of Katia’s mental health. It was mine, I was scheduled to check on her that day. I was doing my rounds, but I was running late because one of my patients had relapsed.”

“We were both just a little too late,” I whispered, looking away. “I see her sometimes,” I admitted.

“How?” she said with eagerness, bending closer. Then obviously remembering her professionalism, she coughed delicately, “I mean, you know she’s gone, Emerson,” she reminded me like I didn’t painstakingly remember it every second.

“I’ve been seeing her in my nightmares. My nightmares were already bad but lately they’ve gotten even worse. I wake up, hearing Katia whimpering, crying for help. It’s her voice begging me to wake up. I was beginning to think my original nightmare might be real, but it can’t be. Katia wasn’t hurt on the same night as me or anywhere near the location I was found. Your theory has to be right. My brain must be making it up out of guilt. Maybe I do need to start taking the pills again,” I muttered more to myself than to her.

“I think that would be best under the circumstances,” she advised, reaching into her bag and handing me a bottle.

“Do you keep a stash of those on you at all times or do you have an addiction that the institution isn’t aware about?” I laughed.

“No, I just know you, Emerson. You have to stop hurting yourself because of the guilt. I’ll be happy when I never have to see you again. And just before your brain begins to psychoanalyze that statement, I mean it in the best way. I want you to get healthy as much as your father does.”

I nodded, the emotion making my throat tight. I had thrown away my old bottle in the bin so I wouldn’t be tempted to take them. I took them from her. Maybe I’d keep them on hand—for emergencies only.

“HEY, EMERSON, YOU’VE got mail,” my dad alerted me the next day before tossing an envelope my way.

I turned and caught it, my attention lured away from my MacBook Pro laptop screen where I’d been contemplating enrolling for a double degree in psychology and social work at my local college. I could opt to do the course online and I’d only ever have to go in for assessments.

“Thanks, Dad,” I replied with a small smile.

“So, who’s it from?” he asked. “I promise I didn’t look at the contents, I’ve heard how teenage girls can be about their privacy,” he said, rubbing his neck.

“Where’d you learn that from…a self-help book on how to deal with angst-filled teenagers?” I scoffed.

My dad looked away, a clear sign of his guilt. “Close, I watched a documentary.”

“Really?” I asked with shock. “I was just joking, Dad.”

“I’m a single parent, I need all the help I can get,” he blushed in embarrassment. Now I just felt bad.

“Uh, that’s okay. I’ll open the envelope now,” I responded, trying to break up the awkwardness. I quickly tore open the envelope and my eyes spanned across the crisp, expensive letter.

Dear Ms. Monsoon,

We are pleased to inform you that your scholarship application for admission to Thorne University has been approved. You have been accepted into the Psychology and Social Work Program.

I stopped then reread the letter, again and again each time the words getting blurrier.

“Emerson, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Dad asked with fear in his voice.

“It’s an acceptance letter,” I croaked, in between catching my breath. My chest was heaving up and down, shaking, and the words on the page were dancing. I couldn’t look away from it.

“From which university? Emerson, you’re scaring me,” he urged with trepidation.

I held up the page to him, and made sure that as he took it from me that my skin didn’t accidentally brush up against his, the shaking making it harder.

“This is an acceptance letter to Thorne University . . . But I thought we agreed that you’d stay here and go to the local college,” he garbled out.

I wrapped my arms around me to try and stop the shaking. “I applied to Thorne University before . . . When I was still at Zaston Institution with Katia, before she . . . we planned to go there together. We were going to have a fresh start,” I replied, my voice hitching.

His mouth opened and closed several times. He took a step forward, his arms raised to embrace me, but when he realized what he was about to do he took a step back and brought them back to his side.

“Dad, I need to go to Thorne,” I cried, tasting the saltiness of my tears on my cracked lips.

“No, you can’t, that wasn’t the plan,” he burst out, pacing up and down in frustration.

“Dad, I need you to listen to me, please,” I begged. He stopped and nodded his head, giving his consent. “You need to let me go. I know you’re scared to, the truth is, I am, too. But I have to do this for me and for Katia.”

“You haven’t healed being back here at all, have you?” he asked, searching my face. Now it was my turn to look away, I didn’t know how to answer him without hurting his feelings.

“I know you don’t sleep at night even though you pretend you do. I hear you moving about and you look exhausted all the time. It’s partly my own fault, I didn’t know how to be here for you,” he whispered sadly.

“No, you have been, Dad,” I protested strongly. “We’re just two people who don’t know how to say how they feel. But that doesn’t mean we don’t show it in different ways. I think it’s for the best if I go. I’m holding you back, Dad,” I admitted out loud for the first time.

“W–What?” he stuttered. “No, that’s not true,” he denied.

“Yes, it is. I know where you’ve been going out at night, Dad. I followed you one time.”

“You had no right!” he said, stalling.

“I know. It was an invasion of privacy. You deserved to introduce her to me at a time when you thought it was right and you were ready to. I’m sorry I took that away from you,” I apologized.

“I didn’t leave you unprotected every time I left. I had a state-of-the-art security system installed,” he defended.

“I know. You’re always trying to protect me. Why haven’t you introduced her to me yet?” I questioned gently.

“You know why,” he replied with uncomfortable force.

“Are you ashamed of me?” I inquired calmly, while inside I was panicking, my emotions were a raging torrent.

“No, of course not, no!” The words tore from my dad’s throat in objection. “No, Emerson . . . it’s just that you’re fragile and I didn’t know how you would react. You’ve had to endure so much already. I didn’t want to make it worse, and a part of me was worried that you’d ask me to give her up. I will if that’s what you want,” he added quickly.

“I’d never ask that of you, Dad. Throughout it all you’ve never left, which is why I need to leave for you. I get why you see her every night, you needed a breather from me—some sense of normalcy and happiness and she’s a breath of fresh air. I understand. I’m not going to ruin it for you. You deserve to have a woman who adores you.”

“I wish I could hug you right now, Em,” Dad replied with a thick throat.

“I wish I would let you,” I smiled forlornly back. “Want to hear something funny?” I asked, wanting to change the topic. The intensity was making me want to retreat back into my shell, and it wasn’t fair to him for me to armor back up when we were opening up to each other so well.

“Sure, lay it on me,” he smiled, and I could see the relief in his eyes.

“Back in the hospital, one time I heard Doctor Fleur call my mother Mrs. Monsoon, for a crazy second I thought that you two were still married!” I proclaimed.

“Not a chance in hell,” Dad fired back with horror, and I laughed for the first time in ages, feeling light. “Our divorce was finalized not long after I kicked her out.”

“Why did you kick her out?” I asked.

“I don’t want to say…some things are better left in the past. Cressida has said that she’s changed. I don’t think she has but as much as I want to protect you, if I am wrong, it wouldn’t be right of me to prejudice you against her. I’m not asking you to give her a second chance; trust me, I don’t want her anywhere near you, but I don’t want to take away your chance of having a mother like any other normal teenager,” he explained.

“I don’t want to give her another chance,” I denied without a shred of doubt.

“You may feel like that now, but later on you might feel different about it. There are so many things that I can’t give you that a mother can . . . I mean, advice about sex, getting pregnant . . .” he said getting redder as he went on.

“Ugh, Dad, please stop right there!” I cried in disgust.

“I learned that from the documentary, too,” he justified.

“No more documentaries! Please, promise me!” I begged.

“Alright, alright,” he appeased to my great relief. “I guess I’ll just have to ask Marie about those things instead.”

“Is that her name?”

“Yes. And I know that you want to meet her, but I’m not ready for you two to meet yet. It’s still in the early days for the two of us,” he said speedily.

“How long have you been together?”

“About three weeks or so.”

“Well, make sure there’s no intimate relations until your heart catches up with your libido,” I said, needing to get him back for embarrassing me.

“Emerson!” he yelled, completely mortified.

“Turnabout is fair play!” I yelled back.

“Fine, then I’m okay with you leaving me. How soon can you go?” he asked with desperation.

“You’re letting me go?” I said, holding my breath, secretly wanting his approval.

“I guess I am,” he spoke slowly. “I don’t have much of a choice. You are eighteen, I don’t have any control over what you do anymore,” he replied gruffly.

“I’d still like your approval,” I said shyly, looking down at my feet.

“I know I don’t say it, but I’m proud of you, Emerson. I want to keep you here forever under the careful watch and protection of my state-of-the-art security system, but I want you to be happy. I do have one condition though,” he added, putting a slight damper on my exuberance.

“What is it?”

“I still want you to have your sessions with Doctor Fleur, just to make sure you stay on track. I know she doesn’t do phone sessions, but she likes you, I’ll know she’ll make an exception,” he threw out before I could blockade him with that same excuse.

I groaned. “Fine, you drive a hard bargain. I’m willing to make that concession.”

“You’re leaving just when I thought I’d gotten you back for good.” My dad said, shaking his head.

“You haven’t lost me, Dad. I’ll be hundreds of miles away but there’s always holidays,” I said consolingly.

“Yeah, right, once you get a taste of university life you won’t be rushing to come on back here. I guess I’ll just have to come to you then,” he said with resolution.

“You’d really do that?” I asked with a hopeful smile.

“Just try and stop me,” he said with a mirrored smile on his face.

I WAITED TILL the line of students waiting to receive their dorm assignments at the head office of Thorne University dispersed and made my way on over. It would be much more logical of me to feel safer in a crowd full of students, but the only thing I felt was uncomfortable. Also, the probability of touching someone was really high. I was wearing a hoodie and jeans so if it did happen at least there’d be no skin-to-skin contact. The last thing I needed was to screw up my fresh start by having a reaction or meltdown.

“Hi, I’m here for my dorm room number. I’ve signed and filled out the meal plan form. I also wanted to double-check, I called a couple of weeks ago requesting a single room, no roommate,” I emphasized, “is that in the system?”

The secretary smiled at me so brightly I was almost blinded by it. She could honestly use that as a weapon. “Let me just check, your name is Emerson Monsoon?” she queried, reading my form.

“Yep,” I confirmed, feeling a bit anxious. I was still having nightmares, and the last thing I needed was for a roommate to bear witness to them.

She typed away on the computer, “Yes, you’re down for a single, you’re in dorm room CB.07.489, here’s your keycard. Take care not to lose it, honey, there is a replacement fee involved,” she said, handing it to me. “Oh, and here’s your orientation package, I highly recommend attending one of the campus tours, the number of students who get lost is . . .” she continued babbling.

Me getting lost wasn’t even an issue, I’d already purchased a map and had memorized where everything was located. Katia would be proud. Melancholy filled me. We were supposed to be doing this together.

“Thank you,” I smiled back weakly, taking the package from her. “I’ll be sure to attend a campus tour,” I lied.

I went back to my car and carried out my two meager pieces of luggage. I saw other students and parents around me carrying actual furniture. I wasn’t one for sentimentality, and a fresh start meant that I had actively chosen to leave behind everything in my room, including photos. Like Doctor Fleur had said, I was a different person and in a way I felt like nothing in my old life belonged to me.

I found my building, and walked up the four flights of stairs with labored breath. I was definitely unfit, and immediately right then and there decided I’d join the gym on campus. Keeping to myself and dodging all the girls dotted across the hallway, I finally made it to my room. Thankfully, the student in the room opposite mine hadn’t arrived yet, so I didn’t have to make conversation. Also, my room was on the corner of the building so I didn’t have anyone to my left, which was perfect.

I swiped my key, and pushed open my door. The walls were white reminding me of the interior of the Zaston Institution, and the only furniture there was a bed, bedside table, a large cabinet, and another cabinet and bin in the bathroom. It was everything I needed. Once I’d gotten my luggage inside, the first thing I did was pull out my measuring tape and measure the window and door.

I took down the measurements then walked to the nearest hardware store. I gazed at the aisles, not having much of an idea of what I was looking for. I must have looked as lost as I felt, because a store clerk wandered up to me.

“Do you need some help?” he inquired.

“Yep, I’m looking for ways to soundproof a door and window. What do you recommend?”

“I know exactly what you need for a do-it-yourself project,” he replied. “Follow me.” He led me to an aisle two rows over.

“I recommend you purchase this vinyl threshold with aluminum casing door sweep for the bottom of the door which will block sound and drafts from coming under the door, and that you weather strip the side of the door, that’s where most sound travels,” he advised.

“I’m sold. How about for the window?” I queried.

“The best I could recommend for soundproofing your window without having to replace your existing window is to put an add-on secondary glazing on top. You’ll be able to achieve a fifty to seventy percent noise reduction,” he answered helpfully.

“Perfect, I’ll take one of everything, please,” I replied.

“You don’t look like you’re a bedroom recording artist,” he said, flirting as he double-checked that he’d taken the correct inventory for my order. I closed down right away.

“I’m definitely not a recording artist or anything like that. I’m not keeping the sound in, I’m keeping the outside sounds from coming in,” I said, hoping that made sense. I didn’t want people getting the wrong impression.

“Um, okay,” he replied with confusion, ringing up my purchases.

“Thank you,” I replied as I paid with my card, relieved the ordeal was over.

On the way back to my dorm room, students gave me odd looks as they checked out what I was carrying, but I ignored them.

“What is all that for?” A curious voice asked. I turned and realized that while my back was turned, the girl in the room opposite me had opened up her door.

“My room,” I acknowledged enigmatically.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re an eloquent speaker? No? Well, I can definitely see why!” she commented sarcastically. She had shrewd ocean blue eyes offset by red hair, and freckles, and right now she was looking at me like I was her next project.

“Is it okay for me to leave now? You seem to be having a monologue.” I scorned, unable to stop myself from liking her attitude. It was refreshing and honest.

“Why are you still a dove?” she fired at me out of nowhere, and I found myself having whiplash from the changing direction of her conversation.

“What? That’s got to be the first time I’ve ever been called a dove in my life,” I choked out in shock. If I didn’t have such a tight hold on the things I was carrying they would have definitely fallen to the floor.

“You’ve got this whole innocent, lost vibe look, and you’ve got this whole don’t touch me ward up like you’re a virgin to boot. We need to rectify the situation immediately,” she critiqued. “Haven’t you felt the urge?”

“What?” I repeated like a parrot. I think she deserved to take a small visit to Zaston Institution. With people like her around I question why I was ever admitted in the first place!

“The urge to engage in sexual relations,” she elaborated.

“Er, I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I replied, feeling sick. The thought of being touched made me want to throw up.

It must have shown on my face because she immediately eyed me with pity. “I’m sorry, I don’t think before I talk, it’s a hazard. I’m Laurina, I obviously live in the room opposite yours and I’m studying to be a nurse,” she listed, putting her hand out for a handshake.

“After that introduction I’d rather not engage in a handshake with you, I might just get electrocuted. You’re a livewire. I’m Emerson and I’m studying psychology,” I declared.

“I don’t blame you, I did come on a bit too strong. I have no filter at all. I grew up with five brothers, and I blame them for the way that I am! It’s lovely to meet you,” she replied.

“You, too,” I replied somewhat flummoxed as I tried to make a getaway, swiping my keycard in desperation.

“Uh-uh, before you hide away you have to promise me you’re going to come out with me tonight,” she ordered.

“Where are you going?”

“To The Den of Iniquity, it’s the hottest club around,” she proclaimed with confidence.

“Um . . . as good as it sounds, I think I’m going to have to say . . .” I responded, trying to find some sort of suitable excuse.

“No. I’m not taking no for an answer,” she exclaimed, wagging a finger at me. “Be ready at nine. Don’t worry about being underage I’ll get us in without a problem. Oh, and just so you know, I know how to break into your room if I have to,” she smiled like the devil.

I closed the door behind me, not knowing how to respond, my heart in my chest.

“I like you, Emerson, we’re going to get along just great,” Laurina yelled through my door.

Laurina was a whirlwind, no, she was much worse—a tornado and she was determined to sweep me up in her craziness. God help me.

I was scared of the very notion of ever stepping foot inside another club, but dammit, she wasn’t giving me much of a choice. If I left and hid elsewhere she’d probably hunt me down. I could just imagine Katia laughing down on me from Heaven. She had always been the more outgoing one and yet somehow she had willfully accepted and embraced how painfully awkward I was.

I put my purchases to the side. It was eight already and by the time I figured out how to attach them to the window and door, my time would be up. I took a quick, hot shower then looked inside my luggage and laughed. I didn’t have a single piece of going out clothing. I opted for a long-sleeve, grey sweater and a pair of tights. It was safe, and I had a feeling that the place that I was going to was going to be anything but. I did need to push myself to get better though . . . And what better way than to throw myself smack bang into the deep end?

It was almost time. I quickly unscrewed the lid of my pill bottle, feeling nervous, and rather than taking the recommended dosage—which was one pill—to relax me, I took two. This was clearly an emergency and the more powerful the effect, the higher the chance that I wouldn’t even react if someone touched me because I wouldn’t care. I’d be so numb that I wouldn’t even feel it.

I jumped as my door rattled, praying that the pills would kick in ASAP, my nerves were already shot to hell and I hadn’t even left the room.

“I’m giving you thirty seconds, then I’m coming in,” Laurina warned in a sickly, sweet voice. I needed to head back to the hardware store later and ask the sales clerk about ways to keep intruders out.

I sighed, and opened the door. Nothing prepared me for how glamorous she looked in an emerald, off-the-shoulder, cocktail dress that beautifully complemented her shoulder-length, auburn hair.

“Emerson!” She groaned as she looked me over. “What are you wearing?”

“No, I’m drawing the line, the line has been drawn,” I emphasized. “You either take me as I am or leave me behind, and I don’t even want to go.”

“You did this on purpose,” she accused, her eyes flaring. “I don’t care how you’re dressed because of how it looks on me. I care because you could look so much better,” she pleaded.

“That’s sweet of you, but I like what I’m wearing,” I replied unbendingly. I could see what she was trying to do, but her mind games weren’t going to work on me.

“Fine, but I don’t get why you’re downplaying your looks,” she relented, walking down the hallway. I took that as my cue to follow, “And don’t even try to set me up with anyone or we won’t be friends…we’ll quickly become enemies,” I warned.

“Trust me, even if I tried, as soon as they get a look at you they’ll get scared and run in the other direction,” she scoffed.

“Come on, that’s a bit harsh,” I threw back, feeling a bit uncharacteristically dejected.

“I’m not saying that to be mean, most college boys just want simple and easy, not messy and complicated, and you definitely fall into the second category,” she explained as we descended the stairs.

“That’s exactly what I am. Are you really sure you want to take the chance of taking me along with you? I’m moody, mentally unstable, anxious, and just about the least impulsive person you’ll ever meet,” I cautioned, listing most of my worst attributes.

“All I’m hearing are good things, Emerson. I don’t get scared off easily, keep going though, it’s pretty entertaining,” she mocked, coming to a halt next to an expensive looking vehicle. A Jeep Wrangler, I read, looking at the brand and make.

“Get in, and be sure to strap yourself in tightly because I don’t want your head going through the windshield with the way I drive,” she instructed seriously.

I looked back longingly in the direction of my room, not sure that testing the waters included risking my life, too.

“Emerson, come on, I was just joking,” she appeased. I shot her a distrustful look but got in, put on my seatbelt, and clutched at the seat with both hands.

Laurina reversed in a rough maneuver that had me gritting my teeth, the wheels screaming in objection, and I coughed as I drew in a breath of what smelled like burning rubber.

“See, I’m just as bad as you, I’m a bald-face liar, and reckless to boot,” she threw back at me before I could yell at her. I opened my mouth then closed it again, it would probably be better if I didn’t distract her, and she clearly needed to focus on getting us to the club in one piece. Instead I turned on the radio and put the volume up, needing something to distract me from her driving skills.

By the time we got to the club, the pills had begun to kick in. I looked at the crowd of people around the entrance and didn’t even feel a shred of fear, just numbness. I stumbled a bit as I got out of the car and giggled at myself.

“Are you okay?” Laurina asked, moving to my side. “Did you start the party without me while you were in your room?”

“No, it’s just nerves and my obsession to test gravity at times. I definitely won the battle against it this time,” I smirked.

“Well, you’re lucky that you’re rolling with a nurse,” she smiled obstinately.

“Woah, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, you’re not a qualified one yet,” I corrected.

“Please, being a qualified nurse just means getting a certificate, I’ve got practical training,” she quipped. I hoped she didn’t mean merely putting bandages on bloody knees or elbows.

She strode to the front of the line with unabashed confidence, and I followed less eagerly behind, feeling the glares of the people waiting in line.

“We’re both with Kristoff,” she directed to the two bouncers at the door. They nodded and immediately moved aside to allow us through.

“Who is Kristoff?” I fired at her, right before a group of girls huddled around her, cutting me out.

“Wow,” I drew out in shock as I looked around me. The club had three levels I saw, reading the sign next to me. Apparently one was for those interested in burlesque shows, the other for exclusive hire, and the bottom one which we were on had a DJ with live entertainment. Around the perimeters were booths encased in slick glass but I couldn’t see inside. Ruby red and black was the theme with gold leaves splashed here and there giving the place a royally classic feel. And there were people performing acrobatics soaring gracefully above the crowd.

I’d never seen anything like it in my life. It was unreal.

Someone bumped into me from the side, making me flinch instinctively. I waited for my body to react but my brain and my emotions were out of sync, it was like I was here, but I wasn’t. I was an outsider looking in, seeing what was happening but not feeling it.

“Emerson, come here, I want to introduce you to some friends,” Laurina ordered. She pointed to the girls around her, saying names that I wasn’t hearing. I nodded my head at the right times, even with the looks of distaste they were sending me.

“I’ll go and get us some shots, wait here,” she spoke to me mostly. “Everything is so much better when you’re drunk,” she advised as if imparting an invaluable life lesson.

“If you say so,” I said with barely hidden disbelief. Laurina laughed smugly and disappeared into the horde of people on the dance floor.

“So have you picked out a guy yet?” One of Laurina’s brunette friends asked me.

“Um, no, I’m off men.” Permanently I added in my head.

“I don’t think I could ever be,” she replied incredulously. “The trick is to always keep your heart out of it. We’re young and pleasure isn’t a dirty word. One night stands are the best, you should indulge in one,” she counseled.

“I’ll definitely take that under advisement,” I replied.

“You shouldn’t be wasting all the opportunities here tonight.” The blonde stepped in to the show—featuring an all-star cast of my embarrassment and me.

“Maybe I’m in recovery and waiting for the right person to present himself,” I parried.

“Darling, the right one doesn’t exist,” she huffed critically, “you need to grow up and quit believing in fairytales.”

“Oh, quit being so harsh, Tash, besides, you’ve been hung up on The Leverager ever since you heard about him. Chasing down every lead to get to him which is why we’re here tonight,” the raven-haired one chided.

“Who is the Leverager?” I queried, my interest piqued.

“No one knows, or if they do, they keep his identity a closely guarded secret,” Tash retorted. “You ask him to do a favor, any favor no matter how crazy, and he’ll do it, for a price in return, of course. He’s exclusive; he meets the needs of his clients one at a time. They say his price is different according to each client. Sometimes it’s money, sometimes it’s trade secrets, and sometimes it’s a favor that you’ll have to repay in the future. The price is always exorbitant…when you make a deal with the Devil, it always is,” she whispered with excitement.

“So how are you supposed to contact this illustrious Leverager? By phone?” I derided with skepticism.

“Of course not! He’s not an amateurish fool,” Tash grimaced. “He doesn’t have a website either. The latest lead I chased down told me to come here, go to the bar, and ask for a Molotov cocktail, and hand over a note detailing what you need his services for. They then somehow give it to him, he screens the potential client, and at his discretion decides whether he would like to take you on as a client. If not, then you won’t hear back from him, but if he does he will track you down,” she elicited.

“It sounds like a myth to me,” I laughed, unable to take her seriously.

“Then you won’t be afraid to see if it’s true,” Tasha challenged, her eyes flashing, “Or are you too scared to?” she mocked.

“Not at all,” I replied. I didn’t have anything to lose. “Do you have a pen and paper?” I inquired serenely.

“I came prepared,” Tasha replied with a devilish smile. “I’ve already made my own submission, but I’ve got some paper to spare,” she replied handing me a sheet she pulled from her handbag and a pen.

“Reliability, I’m sure that’s a quality that men hunger for in a woman,” I jibed. Her eyes narrowed in anger and I hurriedly took off through the crowd, weaving around arms and legs, not quite up to a fistfight at the moment.

“Emerson, where are you going?” Laurina’s voice asked from somewhere to my left. I turned and saw she was holding a tray of aquamarine-colored shots.

“I’ll take mine and Tasha’s,” I said, feeling reckless myself, and downed one shot with disgust then the other. I coughed, feeling it rise back up.

“No, keep it down,” Laurina ordered, “and take mine, too, it gets better the more you drink.” I rolled my eyes, and threw back the other one, feeling powerful.

“I can’t feel a thing, maybe I’m not a lightweight,” I cried with exhilaration.

“Give it some time, you’ll begin to feel the effects. Stay close by, I don’t want you passed out on the floor, you rebel,” she laughed.

“Hey, baby, sorry I’m late, practice ran overtime.” A husky male voice apologized as a man wrapped a corded arm around Laurina. “I also brought the team with me. I couldn’t shake them off, sorry.”

I looked behind him and saw about fifteen or so football players easily identifiable from the red and white-striped jerseys they were sporting. Laurina had turned around to kiss the guy, whom I assumed she must have been dating.

“Ah, sorry, Emerson, every time we’re apart even for the shortest of times it feels like a lifetime. This is my boyfriend, Lukas, he’s the quarterback and captain of the football team here,” Laurina explained.

Lukas moved to look at me and when he did, all the blood in his face drained. Before I could question him, a fight broke out between one of the football players and some other guy.

“Uh, sorry, it’s nice to meet you but I need to go break that up. If coach hears about it, there’ll be hell to pay,” Lukas yelled over his shoulder before he disappeared.

“Ugh, football players and their tempers,” she shook her head in amusement, and then sent me an inquiring look. “Why have you got that weird look on your face?”

Laurina hadn’t seen Lukas’s face because she had been busy looking at me at the time. “Nothing,” I fielded. “Tasha dared me to do something. I’m going to go and do it. I’ll meet you back with the other girls later,” I shared.

“She might seem all highly strung, but she won’t do anything if you don’t go through with it, not that I would ever allow her to,” she confided in me.

“Thanks, but I never turn down a challenge. I mean, if I did, I wouldn’t even be here tonight. I’m on a roll. If I stop I don’t know what will happen,” I wagged my eyebrows.

“Alright then, I won’t hold back a woman on a mission. I’ll see you later,” she snickered.

I saluted, and quickly put my hand back down when I saw a melancholy look pass over her face. It speedily cleared as if it had never been there. I let her go, thinking now wasn’t the right time to get into it.

I looked around and found an empty bar stool. I hastily made my way toward it and sat down. Phase one complete. Now, what to write?

Dear mystery guy Mr. Leverager,

I would like to enjoy employ your services to assist me to scratch an itch with a personal issue.

If you find me tempting suitable, please hunt track me down.

Please do, Kind regards, Emerson Monsoon

I giggled, putting my hand in front of my mouth as my body wracked with laughter. I was soooo drunk, and was beginning to feel a bit dizzy. Phase two now complete…now I had to complete phase three.

I lifted my hand as I’d seen them do in the movies and tried to signal the bartender but failed. Then I realized I was missing the key ingredient—money. I slipped a hand inside my pocket and picked out a five—that would do. I lifted my hand and waved it in the air, then felt it being ripped out of my grasp.

Some asshole had stolen it! I looked behind me and didn’t see any likely would-be-thief. I pulled out another five, this time waving it in front of me. I finally caught the eye of a sexy bartender.

“What would you like?”

“Can I please get a Molotov cocktail?” I asked, wanting to laugh at how stupid I sounded.

“What? This is a fine establishment, we don’t serve that here,” he replied with raised eyebrows.

“Sorry, he’s new,” another bartender intruded, waving him away.

My mouth fell open is disbelief, maybe Tasha was onto something, or the guy was having me on. “Um . . . great, well, can I also get ten shots of tequila with that,” I replied, pulling out more money and handed him the note along with it.

“Sure thing, sweetheart,” he sang, suavely slipping the note somewhere out of sight.

I wiped the sweat from the back of my neck. The heat was really beginning to get to me, but I did owe Laurina that shot. I thanked him once he fulfilled the order and stumbled through the crowd, back over to where I’d last left the girls.

“I’m no tall drink of cold water, but I still come bearing gifts,” I sang. The girls all thanked me and grabbed two each, except for Tasha.

“Well? Was I right?” Tasha asked, practically frothing at the mouth for vindication.

“The bartender took my note, I don’t know if he’s in league with the Leverager guy though,” I said, still unconvinced. “Take some shots, it will help with the nerves. If he is real, then he might be answering your call tonight,” I winked, and then downed one shot.

God that was terrible, so terrible I decided to down my other shot. “Here, take the tray, too,” I drunkenly slurred, making sure Tasha had both hands on it before I let it go.

I wandered over to Laurina, almost deciding to stop when I saw her boyfriend was next to her. But screw his weirdness, she was my friend. “Hey, Laurina, you were right…getting drunk is fun,” I giggled.

“I know, right!” she slurred back, her eyes all dazed.

“Come on, Rina, you’re wasted…it’s time for us to go home,” Lukas said, ignoring me.

“Only if Em-er-son comes, too,” she hiccupped, “And eve–everyone else here, too. We can have another party at home!” she yelled

“Wouldn’t you prefer a party of two—just us two,” he countered.

She licked her lips, and I knew she was gone, lost in his trance.

He hoisted her up over his shoulder and looked at me, thinking carefully for a second. “Look, if you’re going to be Laurina’s new friend you better be a good one to her. She’s surrounded by people who act as if they’re her friends but all they do is use her. She doesn’t have a single, good, dependable one. Her dad was a soldier, he died overseas recently, and she’s been having a tough time of it. That’s what made her want to be a trauma nurse. So, if you can’t be a good friend, then you better stay far away,” he delivered ruthlessly.

I looked down, now understanding why she’d looked so sad before when I had saluted her. “I get it, I do, I lost someone recently, too. The pain never goes away,” I replied sadly. I looked up to see how he would take what I’d revealed but he wasn’t there any longer, and with him he’d taken away my ride home, too.

The room began to spin sickeningly around me. The pills and all the alcohol were finally catching up with me. God, I was going to pass out. I couldn’t leave myself vulnerable to attack again.

I looked over where the girls were and knew I wouldn’t make it over to them in time. Seeing a VIP booth close by with its door wide open, signaling its availability, I stumbled in there. No one was in there, thank God! I almost cried when I saw that the door had a lock. I closed and locked it. Then I fell on the couch, my eyes closing as the world around me faded away . . .

“SO, WHO IS going to be our next client, boss?” Mikhail asked with boredom. We were all sitting in the security room that spanned across all three levels of the club, giving us a view of everything that was going down.

“I don’t know, I haven’t chosen one yet,” I responded honestly, feeling exhausted.

“Lay off him,” Jarek ordered, “we might get some good candidates in tonight.”

“You should probably also lay off the whiskey, too,” Sev added.

“What’s been eating at you?” I asked Mikhail before he could bite Sev’s head off.

“What do you mean?” he asked, his face going blank.

“You’ve started drinking again and been all on edge for the past couple of weeks. I never thought you were doing this for the thrill, but now you’ve got me second guessing,” I pushed, wanting to make him angry so he’d tell me what was up.

“Screw you!” Mikhail swore, his glass of whiskey breaking in his hand. Sev went to go to him, but Jarek pushed him back.

“You didn’t answer me. Is that why you’re here, Mikhail? Did you enjoy going back to the mob, thrilling in the risk of exposure? Because if you’re just here for a thrill, then you put us all at risk, not just yourself,” I yelled.

“No, I’m not here for a thrill,” Mikhail replied, seeing he’d been played. All the anger drained from him. “I’m sorry. I lied to you all, I didn’t get out of the Valentijin mob with the girl without getting caught,” he admitted.

“What? Who caught you?” I barked out.

“Nikolai did. He drew out his gun and put it against my forehead. He told me to fall to my knees, but I didn’t. There was no one else there, just me, him, and the girl. I wouldn’t. He told me I was foolish to come back. I heard the sound of his finger pressing down on the trigger; I thought I’d die there, in the place I hated most in the world. I closed my eyes and waited, and when nothing happened he started laughing at me. He told me that he was playing with me, that he couldn’t kill me because we were family, and then he let me go,” Mikhail whispered forlornly.

“Maybe he let me go because he’s been trying to protect me all along. Maybe he wanted to leave the mob with me but he couldn’t so he did the next best thing, he got me out by exiling me,” Mikhail theorized with wild eyes.

“Mikhail, you can’t trust him,” I warned. “He did all that to play with your head. If he did do all of that to keep you safe then that’s his only redeeming act, but it doesn’t excuse him from all the blood that he’s shed. He may not pull the trigger all the time, but he calls the shots; the blood is as good as on his hands. If you’re right, then you still have to stay away from him, for him and yourself,” I urged.

“He’s right,” Jarek confirmed gruffly. He was the largest out of us all, and for the time he’d been with us I’d never seen him more serious. He was usually the jokester, the one who brought some light to our darkness.

“I’ve hated him for so long,” Mikhail admitted brokenly.

“Sev, stitch him up. Jarek, get some coffee into him then take him to the mats, he needs to get the anger out,” I ordered then turned to Mikhail, “You have to let it go, you’re letting it consume you. You own your anger, Mikhail, you never let it own you. Take some time off…and until you get yourself in order, I don’t want to see you.”

“No, that’s not fair!” Mikhail objected.

“What I said stands; don’t go against me, you know what I’m saying is right,” I replied, standing firm. I wouldn’t budge, not on this.

“Come on, Mikhail,” Sev urged gently, putting a hand behind his back, leading him out. Jarek followed, giving me a nod, and I knew Mikhail was in good hands. Sev would fix him up and Jarek would push him to his breaking point and then he’d go out like a light.

I rubbed my temple, hating that Mikhail hadn’t felt that he could confide in any one of us, without me having to push him. He’d always been there for me, so I’d be there for him. I took a look at the security feeds, and stopped when I saw a girl stumble into one of the VIP rooms. I tracked her progress into the room up until she fell onto the couch, passing out.

“Helvete,” I cursed. She better be passed out from being drunk and nothing else. The last thing I needed right now was a girl overdosing in my club. I took the master key with me.

“Raul, can you take control of the security room? I need to duck out and check on something,” I asked the man standing guard outside the room.

“Of course, boss,” he replied, gesturing to another man to take his post.

I took an elevator down to the bottom floor and made my way through the crowd. I wanted to run to the door, but I didn’t want to alarm anyone. Finally, I made my way to the room she was in and unlocked the door.

My hand went to her throat, and I sighed as I felt a steady pulse. Her eyes opened momentarily, treating me to the richest shade of ebony I’d ever seen and at the same time a smile so sweet my breath caught in my throat.

“Am I hallucinating?” she murmured more to herself than me.

“No, you’re not,” I whispered back in amusement.

“Shh. I can sleep here and no one will hear me,” she whispered.

“Why would you be worried about someone hearing you?” I replied, moving a couple of stray hairs from her cheek.

“Because I’m loud,” she mumbled.

“You snore? That’s disappointing,” I chuckled, she looked angelic but for the fact that she was wearing dark colors. Maybe she was more of a fallen angel I smirked to myself, after all she was in The Den of Iniquity.

“No,” she mumbled cryptically. She was a riddle wrapped up in a goddamn tantalizing mystery that I wanted to unravel.

“If you don’t snore then what are you afraid of?” I gently persisted.

“Shh! Sleep,” she objected.

“Just one more question, I promise. Did you take anything other than the potent alcohol I can smell on your breath?”

“Pills. Prescribed ones. Two of them,” she breathed.

“You probably weren’t supposed to mix them together with alcohol Älskling,” I admonished. But like a typical female she wasn’t listening any longer, her breath had evened out and she was back asleep.

Seeing her purse next to her, I rifled through it and found her ID and laughed to myself as I read her name, finally putting a face to the name that had been branded in my memory. What were the chances? I then found a crinkled letter containing her dorm room details. Rookie error.

I made a quick call to a hotel nearby and booked a room. Then I dialed Jarek’s number.

“Hey, are you still with Sev?” I asked.

“Yep, we just put Mikhail to bed, I read him a bedtime story, too,” he chuckled.

“I hope you acted out the characters in different voices, he loves that,” I laughed. “On a more serious note, can you put me on speaker? I have a mission for you two.”

“Sure, boss, one sec . . . done,” he answered.

“Thanks, okay, Jarek, I need you to break into a girl’s room for me. She took a couple pills, Sev, I need you to see what kind and if I should be too worried that she’s mixed them with copious amounts of alcohol.”

“Mikhail would be unhappy that he’s missing out…he’s out cold” Jarek replied, “I’ll be sure to tease him about it tomorrow. Send me the details.”

“I’ll check out the pills and give you a call back,” Sev replied.

“Thanks, I’ll text you her address and catch you guys later,” I responded, ending the call.

I lifted her up, one hand banded across her waist and the other supporting her neck to keep her from injuring herself. Her warm weight was comforting. But those scars she had on her neck and jaw weren’t. Even more so, I took that as a further reason to treat her as precious cargo. Whether she liked it or not, until she was fully conscious she was under my command and control, and I’d make sure no harm came to her. I couldn’t leave her to wake up alone wondering what had happened to her in the time that she was passed out.

I took her through the back entrance, wanting as little eyes on us as possible. I strapped her into the passenger seat beside me and drove to the hotel. I kept her in the car as I collected the room pass, then drove around the back and went through the employees’ entry. I was thankful that there wasn’t anyone around at this time of the night. I placed her on her side in the king size bed to aid with her breathing and sat in a chair opposite, feeling anxious.

Fifteen minutes later the call that I was waiting on came.

“You didn’t tell us whose room it was,” Sev’s voice announced with interest. “Her name was on the prescription bottle. Are you moving up the timeline?”

“Yes, due to unforeseen circumstances. Judging by the fact that you don’t sound panicked, is it safe to assume that she’s going to be alright?”

“Yep, she just needs to sleep it off, but tomorrow she’s going to be feeling a whole lot worse,” he instructed.

“Good, maybe she’ll learn. So, what were the pills exactly?” I asked with interest as I gazed down at her.

“They’re antidepressants, basically used to help with anxiety and nerves, maybe even panic attacks. They’re pretty powerful, and she definitely shouldn’t have taken more than one which I assume that’s what she’s done,” Sev guessed correctly. “So is she our new client?”

“Why would she be?” I asked, “She has nothing to do with the service we offer.”

“Raul just sent the photos of the submissions from the club to us. And her name is on one of them,” Sev replied slowly. I hadn’t had a chance to look at my emails.

“Send it to me,” I ordered brusquely. Rather than going through them all, it would save me time.

“Jarek hasn’t had the chance to screen her properly though, you’re not prepared for her,” Sev deviated.

“Sev, send it to me,” I repeated with an ominous tone.

“Okay, but it reads pretty weird,” he warned, signing off.

Thirty seconds later my mobile vibrated. I unlocked it and read her submission with a smirk. I was only going to observe her from a safe distance, but now I had a reason not to.

I OPENED MY eyes groggily. Everything was blurry from sleep. “Ugh,” I groaned in disgust with myself. What the hell had I been thinking last night? My head throbbed brutally. It was no less than I deserved. I had gotten the best sleep for a while though, I conceded.

I rubbed my irritated eyes, and as everything came into focus my heart stopped. Where the hell was I? My mind flicked back to last night, I remembered passing out in a room, and that room was not the same one that I was in now.

I pulled back the sheets and sat on the side of the bed, trembling. I looked down at myself, feeling for any bumps, bruises, or wounds. I didn’t feel sore anywhere, and I looked . . . untouched. The relief was so great I doubled over, and began to sob.

“You’re okay Älskling,” a rich voice spoke from a dark corner in the room.

“What? That’s not my name. What are you doing here?” I yelled, looking for something that I could use to defend myself.

He moved out of the shadows where he had been hidden, and I stopped what I was doing—or thinking—or maybe both. The first thing my eyes landed on was the color of his eyes…they were a deep midnight green, full of fire that trailed a blaze across my skin. And then his hair, it was the color of black onyx and came down past his ears and slightly curled.

“I wasn’t calling you by a name, it was an endearment,” he mocked, and the next thing I noticed was how tall he was, with every step closer he took toward me his muscles rippled, awakening my dead libido.

“I–I don’t care what it was,” I stuttered, actually burning to know what it meant. “Who are you?” I demanded, standing up to face him head on. “And don’t come any closer,” I ordered.

“I’m not going to hurt you, not after all the effort I’ve put forth to keep you safe,” he replied, and I tried to place his slight accent but I couldn’t.

“I was passed out in The Den of Iniquity. How did I get here? And exactly where is here?” I asked, feeling relieved when he didn’t come any closer.

“Do you always court such trouble?” he inquired with a tip of his head.

“Maybe, what about you? You didn’t have to bring me here, wherever here is,” I parried.

“Maybe,” he repeated. “It is part of my job description, after all. I’m not here out of some sense of duty to you, I brought you here for myself,” he warned coldly, and I felt his iciness like it was a veritable dagger.

“For what purpose?” I asked with confusion. I was scared but excited at the same time.

“To notify you that I’ve read your submission, and I’m interested to know just how you’d like to make use of my services,” he answered, taking one step closer so that we were one foot away from each other. My breath caught, and my hands began to shake. He was the Leverager!

“Please, don’t come any closer,” I repeated breathlessly. He didn’t move or speak, and I took that as his willingness to comply.

“I don’t remember making any submission,” I denied hotly.

“You mean you don’t remember writing this note?” he queried, showing me a photo of it. I burned hotly again this time with mortification, feeling red suffuse my cheeks, as I saw the brazenness of my demand.

“Okay, so maybe I do remember writing it, but I was drunk, I didn’t mean it,” I swore.

“Really? From experience I’ve learned that the only time anyone is every truly honest with themselves and with others is when they’re drunk out of their mind,” he replied with distrust. “When I read it, I thought it had been written by two different people. But it wasn’t, just by you, one person who’s conflicted. You’ve repressed a side of yourself that you revealed through those crossed out words. What is it you really want, Emerson Monsoon?” he coaxed softly.

“Nothing, I don’t want anything,” I whispered.

“Tell me. There is a limit to what I can do, but what I can do I will, for a price, of course. What is it you want?” He pressed. “No, don’t think, you know what it is,” he breathed.

I closed my eyes in defeat. “I want to be normal,” I admitted. “I want to not flinch in fear from someone because I’m scared to be touched. I want to feel alive again. Can you help me with that?” I cried with shame, revealing my darkest secret.

“I normally don’t like boundaries…I break them, but you want me to test yours, to push you, play with you, tease you, make you come alive,” he listed seductively. “It will take time, of course. It will have to be an ongoing transaction, and if I say yes, you’ll have to agree from the onset that it will be business not personal. Every time I touch you, I’ll be fulfilling a deal, it won’t be because I’m in love with you. There will be no possibility of a romantic relationship at the end of it,” he stressed.

I swallowed, beginning to wish I hadn’t made my admission. He wasn’t safe—he was dangerous. “I–I don’t know if I can do this,” I backtracked, pacing up and down fretfully.

“Are you a spineless coward or can you only be brave with liquid courage? Your decisions define you, Emerson,” he threatened with a lift of his eyebrow.

“I . . . I need more time,” I swallowed in panic.

“You don’t have more time. You have the power; it’s in your hands, if you choose to go ahead then you have to be willing to give it your all. You can back out at any time, but if you do then we’ll be done for good.” He delivered with impersonal efficiency. “So, what’s it going to be?”

He wasn’t like Jaxson, he was all man, hard and unforgiving. I could imagine Katia yelling at me to take him up on his offer. I thought harder . . . I didn’t have anything to lose, and if it didn’t work out, I could back out.

I held out my hand, trying to show that I was committed to giving this a go, while still trying to be brave. He put his hand in mine and shook it. Technically, it wasn’t that brave because he was wearing black gloves, but it was a step in the right direction. I’d taken the step to touch him.

“Then we have a deal. I’ll be taking the gloves off from this moment on,” he informed me as I pulled my hand away.

“I’ll be on guard,” I responded with feigned confidence, so unlike me. “So now that I’ve made a deal with The Leverager,” I said in a way akin to saying the devil, “What’s your name? I mean, your real name?” I pushed.

“It’s Hendrik Vasgård,” he imparted silkily. My mouth wanted to frame his name, to say it aloud to test how it would sound on my lips, to see if it would sound as sexy as he said it.

I coughed, trying to regain my equilibrium. “What’s to stop me from telling everyone that you’re the Leverager?” I taunted.

“Because of plausible deniability. No one would believe you,” he whispered deliciously. “Hardly anyone even believes that I exist. And you don’t strike me as being stupid. If you do tell everyone, then you’ll be depriving yourself of what you want. You want to get better but you don’t want to do it alone. No one does.”

“You make a hell of a compelling case,” I replied. I didn’t want to do it alone, and I also didn’t want to be declared mentally unfit again, and that would probably be the wrong way of going about preventing that.

“So, when do we begin?” I asked biting my lip. I hoped I didn’t sound too eager, needy, or desperate or anything.

“Not now, I have some other urgent, pressing business to attend to. My driver, Emelius, is up front ready to take you anywhere you want when you’re ready to leave. The room’s already been paid for in full,” he said in a business-like tone.

“Um . . . okay,” I said awkwardly, not knowing how to end the conversation.

“Don’t worry, Älskling, I’ll be seeing you soon,” he smirked. God, I was so out of my element with him . . .

“Wait!” I called just as he was about to walk out the door.

“Yes?” He inquired over his shoulder.

“What are you getting out of this? I mean, what do I owe you?” I asked, remembering he’d never revealed just why he was doing this.

He chuckled disarmingly. “It’s too late for that, Monsoon. You showed me your cards without asking me to show mine. I take what I want, when I want it. I don’t reveal my secrets for nothing in return, and no matter what I want from you, you won’t be able to stop me from taking it even if I was to tell you what it is. So, really, there’s no point in you knowing. Just be ready to deliver, when I demand,” he declared with smoldering eyes.

Transfixed, I nodded. He nodded back looking satisfied, and when the door closed behind me I sank down onto the bed, my wobbly knees grateful for the support and my mind completely and utterly blown. I was a mess, but I found myself smiling nonetheless, and for the first time in a long time I felt hopeful.

“SO, EMELIUS, TELL me all about Hendrik,” I interrogated.

He sent me an annoyed look that had his eyebrows raising ominously, choosing not to answer. He was a bit cross with me, I had, after all, denied his request to sit in the back seat, and instead I’d opted to sit in the front passenger seat, all the better to interrogate him.

“You mean, Mr. Vasgård?” he corrected.

“Yes, his grace,” I replied sarcastically, secretly liking how he was beginning to go red in the face.

“Mr. Vasgård,” he emphasized, “is an honorable young man, and he is owed your respect,” he said scornfully.

“Aw, come on, Emelius, I’m just joking with you,” I apologized even though I didn’t feel a bit remorseful for my misbehavior.

“How long have you known Hendrik?” I tried again.

“Almost all his life,” he replied cryptically.

“So you know his family?” I asked.

“Yes, it would seem that way,” he replied, rolling his eyes.

“Fine, I’ll lay off the topic of Mr. Vasgård,” I conceded. “Even though we were bonding so well over him,” I added regretfully.

“There is no bond between us, and there will be no bonding!” He refused even my smallest attempt at an overture.

“You wound me, Emelius, I thought this was the beginning of a lovely friendship,” I said clutching at my heart. “If you’re going to hate me either way, I might as well use this time to ask you other questions as punishment,” I justified.

“I don’t hate you, Miss Monsoon, I have no opinion of you whatsoever. I’m not paid to think, just to drive,” he replied formally.

“What do you do for fun, Emelius?” I asked with acute interest.

“I drive,” he said monotonously.

“Even in your spare time?”

“Yes.”

“Interesting,” I replied, attempting to drive him half as mad as he was driving me.

“Turn left at the roundabout and we’ll be there,” I instructed.

“I know, Miss Monsoon it’s my . . .” he said with exhaustion.

“I know, it’s your job. I was just trying to be helpful,” I placated, as we came to a stop. “Well, it’s been fun! Thank you for getting me back safely,” I smiled, exiting the car.

“Miss Monsoon,” he called, and I ducked my head down through the car door to listen. “My treatment of you isn’t personal. I’m on duty, and I have to maintain my professionalism,” he said, as if asking for my forgiveness.

“Oh, Emelius, don’t worry, I didn’t take it to heart. And don’t worry, I like you, too,” I smiled, withdrawing from the car. And as he drove away I swore I saw his cheek lift, possibly evidence of a smile.

I headed back to my dorm room, feeling unusually happy and also nervous, not knowing when I would see Hendrik next.

“Emerson, where the hell have you been? You know what? I don’t care I’m just so happy you’re okay!” Laurina yelled from inside my room as I opened the door. She looked like a hot mess, with tear tracks running down her face, her hair a disheveled nest.

“I’m fine, I was so drunk that I decided to stay at a hotel a block over from the club,” I soothed then paused, “Wait what are you doing in my room? Laurina!” I chastised.

“It was an emergency!” She justified, rubbing her eyes. “I woke up and remembered I didn’t come home with you last night. I was so angry with Lukas and myself for leaving you behind, I’m not even talking to him at the moment because of it,” she rambled crazily, hands flying up in the air. I was glad I was out of her arm’s length and firing line.

“I am such a terrible friend! Never leave a woman behind! I’ve grown up with that mantra, my grandmother ingrained it in me from when I was a baby, and I think she even told me that it was my first sentence! I’ve let you and her and my family down,” she ranted.

“Hey, Laurina it’s okay, honestly!” I held my hands up, trying to calm her down. “I know you’re upset because you left without me, which is totally fine by the way. You were as drunk as I was, but what is this really about?” I inquired knowing that this wasn’t her…there was something else going on.

“Lukas and I didn’t just have a small fight,” she said, sitting down on my bed, “We had a massive one, and it wasn’t over you, not really. Something has been off between us for months. I could never tell what it was so I let it go, but this morning beneath all the anger, he was panicked and really nervous. I don’t know what he’s been hiding and when I asked him about it he exploded, telling me he couldn’t breathe, that he was under a lot of pressure and that he needed space. But he’s always dealt well with pressure, he thrives on it. His parents divorced five months ago and he didn’t act out or anything. So, for him to explode, it’s not because of pressure, it’s because he’s scared. I don’t know if he’s not telling me something because he wants to protect me from whatever he’s hiding. But I’m worried that if he doesn’t eventually tell me his secret it will always be there between us. It might even tear us apart. I don’t know what to do,” she cried.

“Do you love him?” I asked quietly.

“Yes,” she replied without a moment’s hesitation.

“Then that’s all that matters. When you love someone there can be obstacles in your path that might seem insurmountable, impassable even, but the strength of your love somehow has the ability to carry you both through and over those obstacles. Love isn’t reasonable or logical; a person won’t give up on someone they love until they reach their breaking point. If this were your biggest obstacle then you wouldn’t be asking me what to do, you would be telling me that you’re through with him. That’s how I know you’re not done trying. I can’t tell you answers, or give you a way to make things better, all I can say is that if you do reach that point, I’ll be here. You won’t be alone, and if you want to keep trying I’ll be here also. So, keep trying, until you can’t,” I urged, sitting down beside her.

Laurina’s eyes were wide and she’d stopped crying halfway through my monologue. “I . . . You’re right . . . I’m not . . . I’m not ready to give up,” she admitted, the words coming out as if they physically pained her.

“You know, I’m betting if anything, that all he wants right now is for you to go and talk to him. He’s probably regretting the way he exploded this morning, and maybe he doesn’t know how to say sorry. Maybe if you take the first step, everything will follow,” I suggested. “But, I mean you know him best, I just met the two of you yesterday and I have only had one serious relationship that didn’t end well so it would probably be best if you didn’t follow a word of what I said,” I recommended.

“No,” Laurina protested, “For a self-proclaimed, mentally insane person, you sound incredibly sane to me. It’s actually quite scary because I thought between the two of us that I was the sane one and that I was going to have to keep you in line,” she laughed to herself.

“Well, I have to say, you’re bordering on insane at the moment,” I replied, eyes flicking between the disarray between her hair and dress.

“You’re terrible for pointing that out right now,” she quipped with feigned anger.

“Hey, don’t hate the messenger, you don’t want to show up looking like that. Lukas would run the other way,” I laughed, using her words from last night against her.

“You know what? We just had our first real conversation. I’m unhappy that it was at the expense of my sanity, but your counsel was top notch. You know what this means, don’t you?” Laurina said, standing up, a crazy look in her eyes that made me want to back away.

“Um . . . Yes?” I said uncertainly.

“You’re stuck with me for the next three years until graduation. Actually, probably for the rest of your life, maybe even your afterlife, too,” she whispered ominously. I must have given her a weird look, because she sighed and uttered awkwardly, “What I’m really trying to say is thanks, and I’m lucky to have you. I swear this won’t be a one-way thing where all I do is lean on you, taking without giving back. I’ll be here if you need anything,” she promised sincerely.

“I don’t think any less of you because of your breakdown. It takes strength to be vulnerable so it’s only fair that I be vulnerable, too. I lost an irreplaceable friend recently; I’m still trying to deal with her loss. I think she would have liked you a lot. I came here for her and for me, and I can’t say it will be easy for me to open up again. But, I promise to try, at least until I reach my break point with you,” I joked.

“Thank you for telling me, and I completely understand how you feel. I lost someone recently, too, my dad . . .” she confided with pain-filled eyes. I wanted to take her hand and squeeze it, but my cowardice prevented me from doing it.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about him now. Neither of us is ready,” I said truthfully, hearing her exhale in relief. “Now, quit stalling, go clean yourself up and then go see Lukas, and don’t tell me about the make-up sex later,” I grimaced.

She took my words for what it was—a get out of sharing your darkest pain pass.

“Don’t lie, I know you want to be told every single detail, in elaborate depth!” She teased over her should as she made her way to the door.

“No, I don’t!” I denied, “And, Laurina, no more breaking into my room,” I called.

“Okay,” she replied all too easily, walking out the door. Then as she closed the door she yelled, “But if it’s an emergency I will!” I rolled my eyes then slapped my right hand against my forehead, but really I liked that she had cared enough to do it, even if I hated the intrusion.

From where I was I could see myself in the mirror, and I groaned in horror. I looked twice as bad as she did, and not only had Emelius had to witness it but so had Hendrik! I all but ran to the bathroom and turned on the water attempting to wash away my makeup disaster, and then when it didn’t come off I took off my clothes and took a hot shower.

Many minutes later I finished, and when I went to open the window to let the steam out my mouth fell open in shock. The window had the secondary glazing on top, I then rushed to my door and noticed that the door sweep and weather strip had been installed. . . Laurina hadn’t mentioned anything about it, but if she hadn’t done it then who had?

A LOUD KNOCK on my door had me rushing to my feet. I hadn’t seen or heard from Laurina in over twenty-four hours and I had no doubt that she had spent that entire time making up with Lukas.

But when I opened the door, there was no trace of her, instead there was a middle-aged man dressed in a suit holding an envelope with white gloves.

“Are you Miss Monsoon?” he inquired with twinkly, kind, blue eyes, instantly negating the thought that he had the wrong room. I liked him instantly.

“Yes, I am. How may I help you?” I replied with a smile.

“I have a message for you,” he whispered cryptically, conscious of the attention he was garnering. In the hallways girls were huddled around their doors trying to see what was happening. I felt a massive degree of relief that Laurina wasn’t around because she would have intercepted the message for sure.

“Thank you, can I put a name to your face to properly thank you for your service?” I asked as he handed me the message.

“I’m just a courier, one among many, Miss,” he responded with embarrassment.

“Not to me you’re not. You’re the courier who’s delivered my first ever personal message,” I confided secretively.

He smiled, “Well, then I cannot disappoint you, I’m Tomas and it was an honor to deliver your first ever personally couriered message,” he responded with a bow. “I get the feeling though that this won’t be the last time I’ll see you around, so let this be goodnight, Miss Monsoon, and not goodbye.”

Nonplussed, I replied, “Goodbye,” as he marched off confidently.

Two unknown girls were heading toward me, and I had no doubt that they wanted to know what the message was, but I had no intention of sharing it with complete strangers. I closed the door wondering if it was Hendrik who had sent Tomas to me.

Gently I removed the letter from the envelope and read its contents:

Dear tempting suitable Miss Monsoon,

I told you that I would be seeing you soon. Emelius is downstairs waiting to take you to me. Be dressed in clothes appropriate for exercise. I’m going to give you a workout.

— Hendrik Vasgård

P.S Be gentle with Emelius, I found him shaken and terrorized from your earlier interrogation conversation. It took much leveraging to ensure he did not leave the country my employ.

Exercise? A workout? Did he mean the running, getting fit kind of exercise, or the workout in the bed kind? Both required completely different clothing, but then again my choice was made easier because I had no sexy lingerie lying around. Then my mind rewinded—wait—sexual workout . . . I wasn’t prepared for that! I know he said the gloves were off but there’s no way he’d take it that far so fast. I shook away the thought because if I lingered on it any longer there was no way I was going to make it past by dorm room door.

I laughed evilly to myself as I thought of the way that Emelius and I had parted ways. He had been rattled at most, but I bet he was eagerly looking forward to our very soon reunion. I forwent make up, it was most likely I’d sweat it off and put on a pair of grey sweats, a standard black t-shirt, and pair of sneakers.

I jogged downstairs with a great deal of difficulty, no more fit then I was a couple days ago struggling to walk up the same stairs. I looked over to the parking lot and spotted Emelius’ shiny black BMW.

“So, Mr. Vasgård informed me that you had some terrible things to say about our last conversation. While I admire your loyalty, I must say I am really quite hurt,” I shared with Emelius as I bent to open the front passenger seat door. When I couldn’t open it I laughed. Emelius had locked it!

With a smug smile, he looked pointedly to the back seat. Oh, it was so on!

I opened the back door and got in. “Where are we going?” I asked, leaning forward to bug him.

“Could you please sit back, Miss Monsoon? I don’t want to injure you,” he pleaded as I heard a whirring sound. I moved my head out of the way, just in time for the divider to come down. He was good.

I looked around, trying to see if there was some way to get him back, and as my eyes landed on an intercom button, I smiled. I clicked on the button not letting him off too easy! “You’re good, Emelius, but I’m better,” I persisted.

In response the divider whirred back up “Is that you admitting defeat?” I asked.

“Yes, take it as my very reluctant concession of temporary defeat. No white flag has been waved though,” he replied mulishly but with an edge of amusement.

“I didn’t take you for a sore loser, Emelius, but that’s okay I promise not to gloat. Where are you taking me?” I repeated as we drove toward the docks by the harbor. “Are you taking me to my death?”

“We’re almost there,” he replied with calmness, doing a terrible job soothing my frayed nerves. “And no, I’m not,” he added as an afterthought.

“I’m not good at exercise of any type, really, I mean, I mastered walking by the age of one, running never. I’m terrible at sports, and if I had to run to save my life my chances would be slim to none,” I babbled.

“There’s no need to worry, Mr. Vasgård just likes his meetings to take place in remote locations. He values his privacy very highly. He couldn’t do what he does without it,” he said convincingly, his eyes meeting mine in the mirror.

“Do you think of him as some kind of philanthropist?” I threw out with confusion.

“You have no idea,” he responded ambiguously.

“You can’t just say something like that without explaining what you mean! It just makes me want to dig deeper,” I muttered more to myself than to him.

“No, if you do you’ll only push him away, and he’ll never have anything to do with you again,” he overrode me, in a voice so serious that it had a sobering effect on me.

“Fine, I won’t. I wouldn’t even know where to start anyway,” I admitted. Plus, I didn’t want to get to know him because if I did then I might have problems later on trying to separate business from pleasure.

“Good,” he exhaled.

“You’d miss me then, wouldn’t you?” I teased, “Don’t worry, I’d miss you, too,” I urged giving his shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

“No, I wouldn’t miss you one bit,” he denied, bringing the car gently to a stop. “We’re here, Miss Monsoon. Mr. Vasgård’s explicit instructions was that he would be waiting for you inside that warehouse,” he delivered. There was no doubt about which one he was talking about considering the distance between the warehouse we were in front of and the next must be one mile or so apart.

“Right . . . you have to admit, though, this is a bit strange. I get the whole private meeting part but this is beyond the pale,” I stalled, slowly undoing my seatbelt.

“If you don’t want to go in, I will happily return you to your dorm,” Emelius replied, making a movement to start the car back up.

“No, I’m good, my seatbelt was just stuck,” I lied, biting my lip as I put my hand out to open the door.

“You know in order to meet him, you have to physically leave the car,” Emelius advised while looking out into the night.

“Alright, I get it, I’m going, I’m going,” I grumbled and got out, already nervously sweating. “Okay, thanks, Emelius, I’ll see you later.” Hopefully I thought to myself. I took two steps forward toward the door then meekly looked back.

Emelius moved his hands in a go on gesture, making me feel that much safer that he wasn’t willing to leave me alone if I couldn’t walk through the doors.

I turned back around, steeling myself for whatever I was about to face through those massive metal doors. Taking a breath I pushed them open and paused when all was a sea of darkness. Immediately I was on edge. Where the hell was Hendrik? Had he stood me up?

My breathing quickened and I speedily took out my iPhone and clicked on the home screen button to activate my light.

“No, don’t,” Hendrik’s velvety voice echoed through the silence coming from somewhere to my left.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t! What is this? Are you trying to pay me back for terrorizing Emelius by terrorizing me?” I ranted crazily.

“If I was going to do that then I wouldn’t have announced my presence,” I heard him whisper closer to me than where he was before. I heard a hissing noise as something was rubbed against an object, then saw it was a match being lit as it flared, the small amount of light revealing Hendrik’s midnight green eyes.

“Do you know that there is this very rare phobia called haphephobia which really means that a person fears being touched or has fears of touching another person? Psychologists say that it stems from the fear of invasion or contamination and that it’s an acute exaggeration of the normal tendencies to protect one’s personal space. While some people are born with it I don’t think you were because you said that you didn’t want to flinch away from someone anymore, which means there was a time you weren’t afraid to be touched. There was a time you craved to be touched, but something happened, didn’t it?” he queried, keeping the distance between us.

“Yes,” I croaked, somehow the darkness making it easier to reveal the darkness festering within me.

“What happened to you?” he asked after a heartbeat.

“I don’t know, I can’t remember. I have psychogenic amnesia,” I whispered. This time the pause was longer, and I could almost feel the heat of his anger from where he stood.

“Did they catch the person who hurt you?” he asked in a steely voice.

“No, there was no trace of evidence. Not even in my own goddamned mind. Look, you don’t have to take it easy on me, there’s a high chance I might never remember anything. I’m not asking for a miracle, I’m asking for help to move on,” I stressed, hating that I was revealing everything while he wasn’t revealing a thing.

“You don’t want me to take it easy on you?” he repeated in a threatening voice, sending shivers done my spine, all without moving a step.

“N-no,” my voice quivered, betraying my small doubt.

“Fine, I’ll remind you that you said that while you’re screaming for me to stop,” he commented like he was talking about the weather and not my possible demise. “One way to get rid of your fear of being touched is direct exposure to it. Normally a psychologist would let you know when you’re about to be touched to prepare you for it but since you don’t want me to take it easy on you, I won’t give you any warning,” he taunted, blowing out the match.

I didn’t hear him move but I felt a slight disturbance in the air, and in self-defense I stepped back not knowing where he was.

“Do you know how to fight to save your life?” he questioned somewhere from behind me. I turned around, trying to locate where the hell he was.

“No, I’ve never taken boxing classes or anything like that,” I replied.

“So there’s no way you would feel comfortable trying to fight against me? Not even if your life depended on it?” he whispered seductively.

“There wouldn’t be a chance in hell I’d come out winning,” I admitted, not wanting to lie and have him test me.

“That’s disappointing. You’re weak because you allow yourself to be. If you want to be powerful, you need to be able to defend yourself. You weren’t strong enough to stop what happened to you, I get it, but you’re using that as an excuse to remain powerless. The difference between you and a baby is that it can’t defend itself, whereas you can. You want to get better? Then stop being so weak,” he scorned, in my ear.

“I’m not weak!” I yelled, my hands moving out from my body to push him away, but all I felt was air.

“Good, so you do have self-preservation instincts and you can fight. You can have an attacker who’s stronger than you, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t outwit him. My father taught me how to fight in the darkness, how to hear the slight bunching of a tendon or muscle, how to sense when an attack was about to be launched against me,” he teased as I felt a finger trail across my collarbone.

Panic began to shake me, and I tried to focus, to leave it behind but I was struggling.

“Stay with me, Emerson!” he ordered in a voice that was so scary it turned down my fear, as if my own fear feared disobeying him more.

We both waited until my breath had started to return to normal—me so I could stop hearing my blood rush in my ears, while he’d obviously been waiting to launch another attack I discerned as I felt something soft touch my neck. Was that his lips?

This time I shook, but half from fear and half from scalding desire.

“Good girl,” he praised deliciously.

“Don’t patronize me,” I warned. He was playing with me, making me stir crazy, and I wasn’t sure if it was from want or fear or both.

“And of course you don’t know how to take compliments either, you have way too many hang ups. How about getting some of that anger out, try and punch me,” he commanded.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I lied, a bit of pain wouldn’t be too bad for his ego.

I could hear him practically rolling his eyes as he sighed in exasperation, “Trust me, you won’t even touch me, even if it was daylight you wouldn’t be able to catch me.”

“Then what’s the point?” I asked with blind frustration.

“Emerson!” he chided, making me roll my eyes this time.

“Alright, fine,” I replied, closing my fist and aiming it toward where I thought he was, but once again all I made contact unsatisfyingly enough was with empty air.

“You’re doing it wrong,” he admonished.

“How can you tell?” I asked with suspicion. “You can’t even see me punch.”

“It doesn’t sound right. Your arm needs to cut through the air, not whoosh like a failing airplane,” he advised. “Listen,” he instructed.

I closed my eyes and heard his arm slice through the air lightly with grace and deadliness, making next to no noise, nothing like my uncoordinated one.

“Okay, I can hear what you mean,” I relented stubbornly.

“Good, now you can feel what I mean, too,” he replied. “Bend your knees slightly,” he ordered. I bent them, waiting for his next instruction.

“Great, now place both hands in front of your chin and make fists. No, keep your thumb on the outside,” he advised as I went to place it in the tunnel between my enclosed fingers. This time when I felt his touch I was prepared. I closed my eyes as his middle and index finger rubbed back and forth over my knuckles of my punching hand.

“When you punch hit with your first and second knuckle, not your fingers. Let the power flow straight from your shoulder,” he whispered, smoothing his hand from my hand slowly up to my shoulder.

“Got it?” he asked, his body drawing closer behind mine.

“Got it,” I confirmed. “Your father, was he a fighter?”

“No, he was a businessman, but he was so much more than that. He always said that in order to have a strong mind you needed to have a strong body. He was hard—good but fair,” he shared.

“Was?” I repeated.

“Yes, was, he passed away one night while he was working, peacefully of course. His heart gave out and he was under a lot of stress. At least that’s what the police and shareholders officially claimed for their final report to the public as being his cause of death,” he uttered with derision.

“And unofficially?” I pushed.

“Unofficially he died from an unknown cause. The coroner couldn’t identify what it was that killed him, but he didn’t have a heart problem, that’s for sure. It happened when I was thirteen. It took me awhile to let it go, to accept that maybe there isn’t always an understandable explanation for everything”.

“Yeah, sometimes there isn’t, but sometimes there should be,” I proclaimed, thinking about Katia and her senseless suicide. It didn’t make sense for her to be gone so young.

I felt him circle me like a predator, coming around until we were face to face. “How is it that I find myself opening up to a complete stranger?” he mused.

“I find myself asking the same question. Maybe it’s the darkness, or maybe there is no shame in sharing your pain with someone who can do more than empathize because they know what it’s like to feel the soul crushing, debilitating pain of loss. But maybe we shouldn’t search for an understandable explanation, maybe there is none,” I laughed.

“Maybe,” he affirmed.

“So what was the point of all this?”

“It was about establishing trust, and a sort of understanding between the two of us,” he explained.

“You have a very unique way of creating trust,” I commented with a slight smile.

“Well, you’re no ordinary woman,” he said mysteriously.

“And you’re no ordinary man,” I countered, “You’re the Leverager, and also apparently some kind of philanthropist according to Emelius. Maybe you’re my guardian angel,” I teased.

“No, I’m much too sinful for that,” he said, flicking on the switch to the light, which was ironically a foot away from where I was standing. Light flooded us, and I squinted while my eyes adjusted.

“Don’t you remember our earlier talk? I’m no angel; I’m helping you because I’m going to get something in return. I’m not being selfless; I don’t care about you and as soon as we conclude this deal we’ll be through with each other for good,” Hendrik emphasized.

“I remember it perfectly. Why do you constantly feel the need to push me away? Is it because you want me to give up so you don’t have to go through with all of this?” I asked, pointing my finger at him. “I’m here and I’m trying and I refuse to give up. So, if you want to back out then have the balls to say it and quit messing around with me,” I yelled, breathing heavily with roiling anger.

“I think we’re done here,” he said impassively, moving away from me.

“Forever?” I needed clarification. If we were done then I’d have to find some other way of getting better, preferably not a clinical one.

“No, for tonight. We’re done for tonight,” he answered aloofly. “Emelius will be waiting outside…he’ll take you home.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be running home once I’m done training,” he said gesturing to the exercise equipment that I could see through the open door in another room. The warehouse looked like a dump on the outside but on the inside it was anything but. It contained a state-of-the-art basketball court and I swore I could see water, maybe even an Olympic-sized swimming pool in another room.

I wanted to stay and explore but I think we’d reached each other’s limits for the night.

“Fine,” I said stubbornly.

“Fine,” he said back, arms crossed his eyes gleaming almost daring me to stay and defy him. But I wasn’t brave enough for that. I swallowed and he caught the telling gesture and grinned. Unable to handle his smugness I retreated, thinking of ways I could wipe it off his face, possibly with a slap, or possibly with a kiss, my simpering libido whispered.

I groaned in mortification, and as I entered Emelius’s car, opting to sit in the backseat, I was distracted by lustful, wandering thoughts.

“Miss Monsoon, are you alright?” Emelius inquired with worry from the driver’s seat.

“No, not really,” I admitted quietly. I didn’t know how to feel about liking Hendrik’s touch, it was dangerous and yet I craved more. The confounding thing was that I think I was pushing and testing his boundaries just as much as he was pushing and testing mine.

“ONLY TEN OF you will go on to become psychologists or social workers, while the other forty of you will either have dropped out, decided to become a lecturer like me, or will become researchers interested in psychology or social work,” Professor Edwards proclaimed from his lectern.

Everyone in the lecture hall grew tense, including me. I had to be one of those ten. Defeat was not an option.

“I’m not here to make your dreams come true. I’m here for the sole purpose of teaching those who are truly great. To weed out the great from those better served in a different discipline and I have a compulsory program that will determine your grading in this subject. Thorne University has an alliance with the Hale Institution allowing us to engage with their patients, granting each of you the unique opportunity to treat a patient.” Everyone gasped uncertain of taking on the burden of such a huge responsibility.

I was scared that having not dealt with my own issues maybe I shouldn’t be the one to deal with another person’s trauma. But maybe the saying that pain and trauma was all relative would work in my favor and not against me.

“You will each be given a profile listing your subject’s name, age, and medical records; however, you will not be privy to the information regarding what trauma your patient has suffered. In some instances it is easy to gauge and determine a patient’s trauma but in other instances, as a psychologist, sometimes you need to figure out what has happened to your patient in order to help your patient heal. At first you will work alongside a trained psychologist for a couple of weeks. Following this, you will work out a plan on how to treat your patient, and only on our approval will you be allowed to implement it—alone. Up until the semester ends the program will require you to visit your patient once a week only,” Professor Edwards explained.

A girl in the front row put her hand up, “Professor Edwards, has each patient consented to the program?”

“Not to worry, Miss Carson, each patient of sound mind or his or her power of attorney or guardian has each consented to this program. You must, however, sign a non-disclosure agreement acknowledging that each and every conversation that takes place between you and your patient is confidential. If you breach it then you—not the university—will be held liable. I cannot stress how important it is that you must take this program seriously. You will be helping a real person, and their failures and successes will be your own, and they will be reflected in whether you pass or fail this course,” Professor Edwards intoned with passion.

“This is going to be easy, I already know how to deal with emotional women wanting me to take them out even after I’ve told them I’m through with them,” an arrogant, pretty boy jeered to the guy next to him. The other guy chortled. I should sic Doctor Fleur on them.

I was half exhausted because I hadn’t been able to sleep last night. Every time I had closed my eyes all I heard was whimpering, the sound of Katia calling to me from her room, and me always being too late, never catching her in time before she went up to the roof and fell to her death. It had been a massive struggle to get out of bed this morning, but I couldn’t miss my very first lecture, and now listening to Professor Edwards I was glad I hadn’t. My placement in the program could have been jeopardized.

“Before I dismiss you for today, as I call your name come to the front and get your patient’s profile…only then will you be able to leave. Read it and learn every fact until you know your patient’s history by heart. The psychologist who will be working with you at the beginning will send you an email within the next couple of days to tell you when your first appointment with your patient will be. Be prepared, and remember that if anyone is less than professional they will be kicked out of the program,” Professor Edward’s voice intruded into my thoughts.

Once he’d finished, excited chatter broke out and quietly even I felt thrilled by the opportunity.

“I don’t need to be assigned a patient, not when I have one right behind me,” the pretty boy drawled to his friend looking at me, “Where did you get those wicked scars from?”

I looked over his shoulder; refusing to answer when really all I wanted was to punch him and use the technique that Hendrik had taught me.

“Back off, man, that’s not cool,” his friend chided, but I could tell there wasn’t much heat to it.

“No, she looks like she’d make a really good patient. I bet I could have you telling me all your secrets after just one night with me,” he laughed arrogantly. Okay, so maybe I couldn’t punch him but it didn’t mean I couldn’t embarrass the hell out of him.

“Tell me, how are you supposed to be an expert and trained psychologist one day when you can’t even spot basic social cues? I’m not interested in your sadomasochistic tendencies, so leave me alone,” I delivered blisteringly.

“Oh, she told you, man,” his friend guffawed like a hyena. Why women would ever be interested in the two of them I would never know.

“Miss Monsoon,” Professor Edwards called from the front. Eagerly I collected my notebook and pen and slid them inside the folder I had with me, hurrying down the stairs.

He held the file out to me, but when I went to pull it away from his grasp, he held it firm. “I was most impressed with your scholarship entry into this program, Miss Monsoon. I’ll be keeping an eye on your efforts to see if you’ll be one of the ten who makes it,” he shared for my ears alone, finally allowing me to take hold of the file.

“I’ll make sure not to disappoint you, Professor Edwards,” I replied with shaken confidence. The scholarship application had required me to write a dissertation on a topic of my own choosing. I had chosen to write one on Ivan Pavlov’s psychological concept of classical conditioning and questioned whether it should be used as a method of treating phobias, anxiety, and panic disorders. I had been disdainful and critical about it but now I found myself wavering on my stance. Maybe Hendrik’s touch had the ability to transform the way I felt about being touched by other people.

“Excellent, I do so hate to be disappointed,” Professor Edwards whispered before calling out the next name.

I was supposed to meet Laurina now for lunch at a swanky café but first I couldn’t resist taking a quick peak at my patient’s profile. I opened the file making sure no one would be able to read it over my shoulder and read my patient’s name.

Micah Huntly. When I looked over at his age my heart stuttered…he was only eight years old.

Treatments: Isolation, Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) only, currently patient is on Fluoxetine. Patient has no allergies.

Why would a child be kept isolated? And looking over at his medication I saw that he was taking something similar to what I’d been given at Zaston Institution. I wasn’t sure if that was standard procedure for trauma patients or not. I had to check that out.

I turned the page over burning for more information but there was nothing else. Just a single, barren page in a single sleeve while the other sleeves were empty, just begging for me to add my own findings to it.

Micah Huntly was just as an intriguing puzzle as Hendrik was. He hadn’t contacted me since our earlier disagreement last night and I found myself thinking about when I’d see him next as I made my way to the café.

Once I walked in I ordered a hot chocolate and churros for one, unable to resist the delectable Spanish donuts. After I’d been served I went and sat down in the booth Laurina was in with some friends and Lukas.

“Sorry I’m late, I was detained in my lecture,” I half lied sitting in the empty space.

Laurina moved her head off Lukas’ shoulder and her eyes widened as she saw my patient’s file. “Oh, I heard about your program, is that your patient’s file? Oh, let me read it!” she ordered, her hands already reaching to snatch it from me.

I immediately hid it in my folder and put it on my lap away from her. “Sorry, I can’t, I’d be breaching confidentiality. This means a lot to me, and I can’t afford to be kicked out of the program,” I refused passionately

“Alright, I’m sorry. I swear I won’t try and read it again,” Laurina apologized seeing what the program meant to me.

I exhaled with relief, and chose to change the topic to something safer, “So, how was your first nursing class?”

“It was a piece of cake. A medical student prodigy came and gave us a passionate discussion about medicine and how important nurses were to aiding doctors in their pursuit of healing. Like I didn’t know that already,” she huffed, snatching one of my churros and dipping it into my milk chocolate dip. I allowed it only because she’d taken my objection well, but she was only allowed one.

“I’m sure you made him aware of that,” I laughed.

“Yes, I did,” she confirmed after chomping down on my churro. “I said that nurses are underpaid and underappreciated despite how important he deems them to be. I soon regretted it after I realized who he was,” she said laying her head back on Lukas’ shoulder. He pulled back her hair from her face, ignoring me.

“And who is this medical student prodigy you tried to put in place?” I queried as I took a sip of my rejuvenating hot chocolate.

“Only just the Sevastyn Serkozky, the sole heir to the Serkozky fortune. His family owns the Serkozky luxury, private hospital and has generations and generations of doctors in their blood,” the girl seated to my left spouted overenthusiastically.

“I’d kill to work at that place,” Laurina whined, “And now I have completely ruined my chances!”

“Why? How did he take your put down?” I asked and reluctantly handed her another one of my churros, if only to stop her from having a mental breakdown.

“He looked at her with scorn and said that she had made a broad generalization. He conceded that yes, in the industry, nurses are underpaid, but that at the Serkozky’s Hospital nurses are paid very, very generously for their efforts. Also, he added that the Serkozky’s fully support and lobby for wage equality for nurses. Then he asked her if she had ever done the same,” the girl answered for Laurina, practically salivating over the drama.

“I was mortified and when I said no he said that words are meaningless and that if I truly believed that nurses were underappreciated then I should join in on their fight for equality. I have never been so humiliated in my life,” Laurina wailed. “And the worst thing is that he was right to an extent, and he basically thought I was attacking his family name. I didn’t even know who he was at the time,” Laurina denied, decimating my churro furiously.

“I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as it seemed,” Lukas objected. “You were a student among many students he probably forgot about you the moment he walked out of the lecture hall.”

“Do you really think so?” Laurina asked hopefully.

I took a bite of my churro and sighed, “Yep, you’re definitely overthinking it. Besides, there’s no way he would go and flag your name with HR to make sure that any future application you make to Serkozky Hospital would be rejected without consideration. Especially when he doesn’t even know your name.”

“You’re right, I’m just being silly, overreacting. It’s just that studying to become a nurse means the world to me, and I don’t want my big mouth to get in the way of that,” Laurina divulged ardently.

“I love your mouth just the way it is,” Lukas defended as he placed a quick kiss on her lips.

My mind went out of focus as I imagined what it would feel like to have Hendrik kiss me on my lips and I felt myself grow red and my heart beat accelerate without my consent. It wasn’t fair! I didn’t seem to have that effect on him making it even more embarrassing. He was impassive and unmoving while I was a molten mess, at best.

“You’re blushing. Do public displays of affection disturb you?” the girl next to me asked, turning from annoying to cruel within seconds.

“Lay off her, Scar,” Laurina admonished. “Being virtuous isn’t something to mock especially when you don’t have a single virtuous body part left.”

Instead of taking it as an attack, Scar giggled, “Yeah, that might be more than a little true. What can I say? I like men,” she sang unabashedly.

Jealous of how unafraid she was to be herself—free of inhibitions—I took an extra-long gulp of my hot chocolate wishing I was as free and passionate without my fear of being touched holding me back. But then maybe you’d never have met Hendrik my libido taunted, and though she was a bitch, she was right.

Then I looked away as I remembered…I mean, how could I forget? Technically speaking, I wasn’t virtuous anymore, I mean, I was, but I wasn’t . . . at least not in all the ways it really counted.

SOLEMNLY, I STARED down into the city filled with towering skyscrapers and busy passengers hurrying along on their way home. Relentlessly rain poured down from the heavens, and I wished that I were outside allowing it to wash away my responsibilities. I had too many to count. But if I shunned even one of them there could be terrible consequences.

During the day I operated as a silent business partner at Grigoriy Chambers, a prestigious, criminal law firm. My business partner Alexei Grigoriy had come to me a couple years after we had both graduated from college seeking financial backing to start up his own law firm. For three years as he transitioned from an intern to a full-fledged attorney he had worked tirelessly at the Department of Justice locking criminals away, defending the innocent against monsters. I had liked his tenacity and I had supported his tireless endeavor to bring about justice so I’d given him the financial backing he’d needed.

He did all the hard work, the defending, and the representation of clients in court while I did some legwork here and there. Behind the scenes, I was the one who made the determination on whether the client was being honest or not. I tracked down leads and tested their evidence all without them knowing. I dug up the ammunition that Alexei would harness to build his case. All in all, we were an unstoppable team, seekers of justice and while he worked in the public eye gaining public accreditation I liked to reap the rewards in private. My men on retainer also helped here and there and I gladly shared the profits with them, too.

“Hendrik, sorry to disturb you, but are you free?” Alexei inquired at my door. “I’m about to have a meeting with a new client, and I’d like your take on him. He’s not one of my usual clients,” he shared as he straightened his tie.

“Of course, what’s his name?” I asked, moving away from the glass wall of my office to face him.

“His name is Ethan Vasco, the reason why I haven’t asked you to take a look into him before our preliminary meeting is because he called me ten minutes ago desperately needing to talk to me face to face,” Alexei explained.

“It must be something serious then. I’ll watch through the security feed and let you know my take on him,” I responded, taking a seat at my desk, turning on the massive screen that took up the entire wall opposite me.

“Yes, he sounded really desperate. He’ll be here any second now,” he said checking his watch.

“Go on then, I’ll run a search on him in the meantime,” I urged while opening up my Mac laptop.

“Thanks, I’ll come here after the meeting concludes. Oh, and Hendrik, if he looks like he’s going to jump over the table and try to throttle me to death feel free to prevent that from happening,” Alexei sent me a withering look before striding out of my office.

“That was a one-time-only occurrence, plus, I wanted to see how you’d handle it and you were just fine,” I called out after him, laughing to myself.

It hadn’t been my fault that Alexei had aggravated the husband of a client who was getting a divorce. The husband had posed as a potential new client and being out of his mind, high on drugs, he had blamed Alexei for his marital breakdown. Alexei had been quick to incapacitate him with a single punch after his attempt to choke the life out of him. Contrary to Alexei’s whining, he’d had the situation under control, and his secretary had called the police on my instruction, which had brought the police to the scene mere minutes after the attack on Alexei’s life had occurred.

I clicked on the reception feed and tracked a man exiting the elevator. He was tall, well built, and definitely unsettled. He looked like a man whose life was about to be taken away from him, scared out of his mind, shaking and bleak.

“Mr. Grigoriy, I can’t express how happy I am that you’re seeing me on such short notice and almost before closing time,” Ethan spoke gratefully as he shook Alexei’s outstretched hand.

I typed Ethan Vasco’s name into my database search finding ten people with that name, but the photos allowed me to quickly whittle it down to the one who stood in the foyer. He looked to be in his late thirties, and as my software began to collate a file on him I saw that he was aged thirty-six confirming my assumption.

“Of course, I always make time for potential new clients, Mr. Vasco,” Alexei responded with a smile then turned to the receptionist, “Victoria, please hold all calls while I meet with my last client of the day.”

“Of course, Mr. Grigoriy,” she responded with practiced charm.

“Please follow me so we can get down to business, I know your situation is urgent,” Alexei surmised getting to the heart of the matter at hand.

“Yes, thank you,” Ethan replied, a wealth of relief on his face.

I changed the screen feed to the client meeting room to track their conversation as they entered, Alexei gesturing him to take a seat before taking one opposite him.

“So, Mr. Vasco, please tell me what you require my services for,” Alexei inquired after offering him a drink which he declined.

“Before I say why I’m here I think it would be best if I gave you a little background on me. I’d like it if you could hear me out before coming to a decision on whether you have the time to represent me,” Ethan begged.

“Please do, I’m here to listen to everything you have to say,” Alexei replied, his game face officially on.

Ethan exhaled but the worried creases between his brows didn’t disappear. “When I was sixteen years old I was convicted of raping and assaulting two girls who were over the legal age of consent. The case never went to trial because I made a deal with the Department of Public Prosecutions, where in return for admitting my guilt, my sentence was culled down from twenty-five years to twenty years. The truth is, I couldn’t get out of it because I did do it and the evidence had been stacked against me. But I swear I regret what I did. I was a monster…I hurt two innocent girls and I deserved every one of those years I spent in jail,” Ethan proclaimed in self-disgust.

My hands tightened on my desk and it took everything in me not to get out of my chair. This was why I stayed in the dark, why Alexei took all of the consultations. Some things can be forgiven and forgotten . . . a white lie, terrible, unintended words spoken in the heat of anger could be forgiven but violence . . . what he had done could never be forgiven or forgotten. No matter how hard he tried he’d be carrying what he’d done with him for the rest of his life, and I hoped that he would never feel a true moment of peace.

Alexei, unlike me, was calm and collected, his face completely impassive, but I knew deep down he was fighting to stay calm, too. He gave a nod, urging Ethan to go on.

Ethan swallowed, his anxious eyes trying to get a hold of what Alexei was thinking. Having no luck, he sighed shakily. “My sentence ended six months ago. In addition to my sentence I had to pay an exorbitant fine. I had enough money gifted to me from my parents to cover it. Since my reinstatement back into society, I have been living in the house that my parents willed to me. A couple days ago I was taken downtown to the police station where I was questioned regarding the rape and assault of an underage girl that had taken place three months ago. They told me that while there is no physical evidence linking me to the crime, that a witness has recently come forward saying that he or she saw me rape and assault the girl. But I swear I didn’t do it! Prison changed me…I got beat up so many times that the thought of doing anything to make me go back makes me sick . . . it makes me want to vomit . . . it even gives me the shakes, I mean, look at me,” Ethan ordered showcasing his trembling hands.

“Do you have an alibi?” Alexei asked leaning back in his chair being rational in the face of Ethan’s disequilibrium.

“Y–Yes, I do!” Ethan declared, his voice quivering. “The night she was assaulted I was at my friend’s house, watching a football game with him. I got so drunk that I couldn’t drive so he offered to let me stay over and I took him up on it. I slept on his couch. I know that he will be willing to come forward and back me up. But …” He trawled off his eyes filled with panic.

“But what?” Alexei pressed, eyes intent on Ethan’s face.

“You have to help me,” Ethan pleaded. “I’ve been charged with the girl’s rape and assault. I was released on bail once I paid the five-million-dollar bond on the condition that I wear a monitoring anklet at all times. It was the only way they’d let me walk around freely, otherwise I’d be locked back up in prison. I’m pretty sure they have men following me, too,” Ethan ranted, standing up from his seat, pacing up and down.

Alexei stood up, towering over Ethan by several inches. “Ethan, I need you to calm down. Please take a seat. Tell me what happened with your alibi. Did he say he wouldn’t come forward?” Alexei interrogated as Ethan sat back down, his head sinking into his hands.

“I’m screwed,” Ethan whimpered. “I haven’t been able to find him! I went by his house, I even staked it for twenty-four hours. No one came in or out. So then I decided to break in and see if something had happened to him but he wasn’t there. I don’t know where he is. But without him I have no defense! The jury will take one look at my past, at the evidence of what I did to those two girls years ago, and without a doubt believe that I did it again. But I didn’t, I can’t go back. Please, you have to help me! I can’t go back, I can’t,” he cried, tearing up.

Seeing and hearing his fear, my certainty that he had hurt another girl wavered. Of course, he would do or say anything to keep from going back to prison but there was this ring of truth in his voice. I hated acknowledging it but if he hadn’t done it then the person who had was still out there. And that person needed to be brought to justice.

“What’s the name of your alibi?” Alexei asked, trying to restore calm.

Ethan lifted his head up, a look of hope flickering in his eyes. “His name is Felix Ulrich, he’s an ex-con, too, but he never hurt anybody like me. He went to jail for robbing several convenience stores. He’s a good guy, I know he’ll be fine with stepping forward to confirm my story but I don’t know what’s happened to him.”

“I’ll have my private investigator take a look into his disappearance. He would undoubtedly be your best chance of defense but failing to have that we need to work on building a convincing case without him. Has the trial date been set?” Alexei asked.

“Wait . . . Y–you believe me? What are you saying? Are you really going to help me?” Ethan whispered in shock.

“Yes, I have the time and it doesn’t matter whether I believe you or not, it’s about whether the jurors will. Now you’ve mentioned that a witness has stepped forward but you haven’t said anything about the victim. What’s her name? And I assume you would have been in a line up with other criminals. Did she identify you as being the person who assaulted her?” Alexei inquired.

“Her name is Katia Smith. I don’t know much about her either other than she recently committed suicide. Apparently after she was assaulted she suffered from amnesia so there’s no evidence of her naming me as her attacker,” Ethan exhaled with relief. “Oh, and the trial date has been set, it will start in two months’ time.”

“Okay, I’ll also have a search done on her. From here on out I believe the best course of action will be for me to meet up with the man on the other side, to get a feel for the evidence they have against you. What’s his name?” Alexei asked.

“It’s Gabriel Hunter, I’m sure you’ve heard of him. He’s from out of state and only moved here recently. His track record is outstanding—he’s never lost a case. That’s why I came to you. I know you used to work at the Justice Department here and you haven’t lost a case either. You’re my best chance of getting out of this. I just can’t go back to prison,” Ethan repeated.

“I understand, Ethan, I will do my best to represent you against him,” Alexei promised fiercely. He then grew more somber. “I’ve definitely heard of him. I make no promises of success, but the more prepared you are to face him on the stand, the better. One of my associates will interrogate you like Hunter would; I need to make sure you won’t fall apart when testifying. In the meantime, I will work on building your case. But for now, go straight home, talk to no one and stay there until I call for you,” Alexei commanded.

“Thank you, I can’t say how much . . . H–how thankful I am!” Ethan cried as he followed Alexei’s prompt to leave the room.

Switching the feed, I followed them as they walked back to the foyer.

“Don’t thank me yet, Ethan,” Alexei ordered turning serious. “No case is ever a foregone conclusion; there are always so many variable factors at play when jurors determine a man’s guilt. You and your case are only ever as strong as your ability to appear innocent. You say that you are innocent, and it isn’t a matter of convincing them you are, it’s simply a matter of convincing the majority that there is doubt of your guilt,” Alexei stressed.

Ethan nodded his head, “Then I’ll create that doubt. I’m sorry that Katia Smith was hurt but I didn’t do it,” he said with conviction, “And I refuse to spend the rest of my life in prison for something I didn’t do. I’ll be waiting on your call, Mr. Grigoriy,” Ethan declared right before the elevator doors closed.

“So, do you think he did it?” I asked as Alexei walked back into my office.

“What do you think?” He threw back at me as he poured some whisky into a glass and tossed it back. I couldn’t blame him…that had been one hell of an intense conversation, definitely not one for the fainthearted.

I sighed not wanting to reveal what I thought, but the only reason why we worked so well together was because there were no secrets between us, at least not when it came to our work. “I think he did it before, but I don’t think it was him this time.”

“Why?” Alexei asked, taking off his tie. He exhaled then took a seat opposite me.

“A gut instinct, but I could be wrong. His search also confirmed all that he said about his past,” I replied, crossing my arms in contemplation.

“No, I think you’re right, but my chances of proving otherwise are slim to none,” Alexei laughed emptily.

“I’d say you have a history of working well with those odds,” I rebutted, pouring him another drink. “I have to admit though, if it were up to me there is no way you’d be representing him. He deserves to burn in hell for his sins,” I shared truthfully.

Alexei chuckled this time with actual fervor. “I know and that’s why I’m the lawyer and you’re my silent partner. I know you can’t be objective, and of course you wouldn’t be after . . .” Alexei paused awkwardly, shooting me a look to see my reaction, but I was locked down. It wasn’t something that I could talk about and I didn’t think I would ever recover from it.

“Anyway, while he is certainly guilty of his other crimes, I don’t believe he is guilty of committing this particular crime,” Alexei continued on nervously. “And even if he was, as much as I would hate to represent him, you know I would have to. The law is hard, but it is just.”

“You’re right, I’m stepping over the line. You’re a good man, Alexei, there should be more men like you out there in the world,” I smiled bitterly.

Alexei got up and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Do you really think I would have gotten into a partnership with someone I didn’t believe was good to the bone? I couldn’t do what I do without you, Hendrik. And given the choice to do it alone, I wouldn’t because I couldn’t. What we do isn’t easy, you could choose to have nothing to do with it but you don’t and it’s not because you’re trying to atone for your past. You don’t give up because you have this innate need to do what’s right. The truth is, you’re a good man,” Alexei proclaimed fiercely.

“Helvete,” I swore in my father’s tongue. He didn’t know just how close I was to beating Ethan up when I’d heard what he’d done. He only saw what I allowed him to see, and not all the darkness within.

“Hell what?” Alexei laughed, used to me swearing in Swedish.

“You have got to stay away from the alcohol, min vän, my friend, it makes you spout lyrical lies,” I mocked, dislodging his hand from my shoulder.

“I can hold my liquor just fine,” Alexei protested. “God, I’m exhausted,” he groaned taking out his cufflinks and rolling up his shirtsleeves.

“Save the undressing for Desiree, she’s probably waiting for you to come home,” I rebuked.

“I’m leaving now, it’s been too long since I last saw her,” Alexei moped like a lovesick fool. He was totally whipped.

“You saw her last night, didn’t you?” I teased.

“Exactly, it’s been twelve long hours, coming home to her is just always so damn good, it makes me question why I ever leave,” Alexei taunted. Love and having love on tap was clearly working wonders for him.

“What are you waiting for then? Go home to her,” I ordered. “I need some quiet so I can look for Ethan’s alibi and also do a search on the victim,” I encouraged.

“It can wait till tomorrow. Go and get a good night’s rest yourself.”

“The longer I wait, the higher the chance that his alibi might not be found,” I protested.

“No, it can wait for tomorrow. Sometimes you’ve gotta put yourself first,” Alexei refused.

“Fine, fine, I’m going but I just need to make a quick call first,” I conditionally conceded.

“Good, I must be drunk because I can’t believe you just listened to me,” Alexei whispered in wonderment.

“Håll käften, shut up,” I chuckled.

“Alright, I’m heading off,” Alexei smirked, “See you tomorrow, Hendrik,” he called walking out of my office.

I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. So maybe I’d lied, because of the state of his sorry ass, I’d have to make a second call.

“Dalton, Alexei’s had a bit much to drink, make sure he doesn’t drive himself home…get him a cab,” I instructed the building’s security guard.

“Will do,” Dalton replied.

I ended the call and paused before I made the next one. I’d blown Emerson off for two days, part of me argued it was because I wanted to make her wait, to keep her on edge. But I wasn’t sure who I was punishing more—her or myself. I was hoping that the distance would have a sobering effect on me. I had to be gentle with her, but I wanted to be anything but. At the warehouse I’d almost asked her to stay and I could see how tempted she had been. If she had stayed I might have lost control with her and gone too far and fast with her before she was ready.

I shouldn’t have gotten caught up with her at all but I stupidly hadn’t been able to resist. Seeing her at the club alone and defenseless had sparked a resolve within me to protect her and right now she needed protecting from me. But that didn’t mean there weren’t other ways of fulfilling my agreement to her, I smirked to myself.

Pressing number four on my speed dial I waited for the person on the other end to respond, and of course he did before the call had rung even once.

“Mr. Vasgård, how can I be of assistance?” Tomas questioned formally. I’d asked him countless times to call me by my first name, but he said he called me by last name out of respect for me and my father. That had hit me hard because I missed him all the time and because Tomas had been his courier first, but really he was more than that, he was family.

“Hi, Tomas, I’m just checking in to see if you’ve picked up the box from my foyer?” I asked into my phone, shaking off my distractive thoughts.

“Yes, sir, I’m on my way to deliver it now,” Tomas replied cordially, professional as ever.

“Excellent, please confirm once it’s done,” I courteously demanded.

“Of course, sir. And if I may be so brash as to overstep my boundaries, I must say that I like her for you. I approve.”

I chuckled wishing it were that easy…that she was just a woman and I was just a man, just two people drawn to each other, but there were other forces at play. “You can’t overstep non-existent boundary lines, Tomas. I’m sorry to disappoint you but we only have a business arrangement in place. Once certain conditions have been met on both sides we’ll part ways.”

“If you insist, sir,” Tomas replied with amusement, ending the call before I could insist some more. I sighed. He had good intentions but it wasn’t going to happen, and not only because I wouldn’t allow it to, but because it couldn’t for both our sakes.

“ARE YOU SURE you don’t want to come out with me and the girls tonight?” Laurina repeated, gazing at me with such intensity that I could also feel her attempting to compel me to go. But I was impervious to her spell casting.

I felt a bit dejected and drained and the last thing I wanted was to go out dancing and get drunk, especially with my terrible track record.

“Once again, thank you, but I wouldn’t make good company tonight. I need a bit of downtime,” I shared from where I was perched on her bed. An hour ago she’d forced me from my room into hers to assist her with dress choices, which was pretty bizarre considering she hated my fashion sense, which really meant she wanted something else. I had cautiously been on tenterhooks waiting for that reason to make itself known.

“That’s exactly why you should get out . . .” Laurina began then stopped with frustration, I winced waiting for her to blow. “Wait!” she threw out. Yep, here it comes.

“Okay, fine, I knew there was no way I’d be able to convince you to come along in the mood you’re in,” Laurina admitted while crossing her arms. I wasn’t sure if that was her attempt to intimidate me but it was sort of working. “And, yes, I did have an ulterior motive. I know you’re hiding something from me and I want to know what it is,” Laurina burst out with hungry anticipation almost frothing at the mouth for juicy tidbits.

“I’m not hiding anything,” I lied. “Do you really think I’m going to go and visit a frat boy as soon as you leave? The only date I have tonight is with my bed,” I joked, trying to distract her.

“I knew it!! You’re seeing someone,” Laurina squealed.

“Um, that isn’t what I just said,” I replied with confusion.

“I read between the lines. That was woman speak for I’m not in a committed relationship; I’m seeing a man and it’s hot and heavy. Who is he? Do I know him? Does he go to Thorne?” Laurina interrogated.

I groaned internally. “Alright, so there might be a man but it’s complicated. There’s no love, no affection, nothing like you and Lukas,” I confessed.

“So, that just leaves sex in the equation,” Laurina interpreted with wide eyes and a massive grin on her face.

“We haven’t progressed anywhere near as far as that,” I laughed, rolling my eyes.

“Sounds like you’re frustrated with that. If he’s playing with you, play him right back, girl,” Laurina advised. “That’s how I got Lukas, I made him work for me, hell, I still do.”

“I don’t think that will work. He’s not a womanizer, he’s a man . . . everything he does is carefully thought out and planned. He’s devastating, so raw yet checked. If I do that, if I throw down the gauntlet and taunt him he’ll retaliate and I don’t think I’m ready for the form that will take. He scares me, but in the best way possible, do you know what I mean?” I asked in a confounded voice.

“No, not at all, but it sounds like he’s got you wrapped around his finger. All I’m saying is that you have to find a way to even out that power. No one person in a relationship should ever hold all the power and you’re letting him walk all over you. So work out a way to get yourself some power, comprende?” Laurina posed while putting on some mascara.

“Kind of. I don’t know. Maybe I’m playing with fire. He’s dangerous, maybe I should give him up before he hurts me,” I retorted with panic.

“Pfft, it sounds like to me you’re running scared and it’s not so much because you’re scared that he’ll hurt you but because you’re scared of the way he’s making you feel,” Laurina shook her head in mock admonishment. “I think it’s good, I think he’s good for you. Enjoy the fire and excitement. If he’s sticking around it’s because he wants you, so it’s not all one-sided,” Laurina said somewhat reassuringly.

It was two-sided but not in the way she thought. He was going to receive a future favor and I had no idea what he would ask from me.

“Now you seem to be the one making sense, and I’m the one who sounds insane. When did that happen?” I laughed, shaking off the seriousness of the conversation.

“Alright, I get the message, I’ll lay off, but I want updates, comprende?” Laurina said with her hand on her hip.

“Yes, I understand,” I responded with a smile, “Now, enough of the girl talk,” I said, swiping her purse from her bedside table and handing it to her as I pushed her outside her dorm room.

“Stop,” Laurina yelled out. I proceeded to push her, thinking she was prevaricating, but I realized her hesitancy had been for another reason as she collided with another person. I winced at the sound of two bodies crashing and landing ass down on the floor.

“Crap, sorry!” I yelled, immediately trying to fix the mess. I lent Laurina a hand up which she reluctantly took with a huff. I groaned as I saw the other victim, it was none other than Tomas. He was clutching a box for dear life.

“Sorry, Tomas, that was all my fault,” I cried in dismay, putting my hand out to help him up.

“You didn’t have to bowl me over. I’m already a victim to your charm, Miss Monsoon,” Tomas laughed, his twinkly eyes filled with amusement as he took my hand.

“How do you two know each other?” Laurina asked, quick to catch on while fixing up her dress.

I shot Tomas a let me handle this look. He bowed his head with a grin on his face.

“He’s the . . . the courier,” I burst out.

“Since when does a courier deliver a box at eleven at night?” Laurina asked with derision.

I looked at Tomas, sending him a say something signal.

“It’s a very exclusive service reserved only for those willing to pay an exorbitant price,” Tomas responded quickly.

“Someone like your mystery guy?” Laurina asked with a smug look on her face. “You didn’t say he was wealthy! And he’s sent you a large black box tied with a red ribbon, and there’s a massive red bow. He definitely likes you, he really, really likes you!” Laurina gushed embarrassingly.

Tomas’s face was composed but I bet deep down he wanted to laugh. He was just too much of a gentleman to do it in front of me, most likely he wanted save me from undying mortification.

“It’s probably just a box of chocolates,” I threw in, secretly wishing she wasn’t here so I could untie the bow and see for myself what it was. Hendrik’s whole keep-me-waiting routine was driving me crazy. I closed my hands to stop the compulsion to snatch the box unladylike—and very desperate-like.

“Oh, let me see!” Laurina cried, trying to grab the box from Tomas’s hands but he somehow evaded her attempts to seize it.

“I’m sorry, Miss but I have strict orders to deliver this to Miss Monsoon only,” Tomas urged as he dodged Laurina’s sideswipe.

“You wouldn’t want to cost him his job, would you?” I asked Laurina trying to lay the guilt on thickly.

“Like he would tell!” Laurina rebuffed in disbelief.

“I’m honest to a fault, Miss,” Tomas replied sadly.

“Okay, fine, put those puppy eyes away…they are seriously lethal,” Laurina muttered unhappily. “Besides, Emerson will tell me what’s inside later anyway.”

When I didn’t reply, Laurina sent me a killer look, eyes flashing dangerously. ‘Won’t you, Emerson?” She bit out through gritted teeth.

“Of course, definitely,” I lied. Hopefully she would get so drunk tonight that she wouldn’t remember anything about a box tomorrow morning.

“Good, I expect nothing less,” Laurina responded as if she hadn’t forced my confirmation from me, on threat of possible death. “And, Tomas, a little bit of advice…some corruption is good for the soul, embrace your dark side and you’ll have the ladies swooning at your feet,” Laurina winked.

Tomas’s mouth opened and closed in shock. I stepped in before she gave him a heart attack. “I’m sure Tomas will take that under advisement. Now shoo, you corrupter,” I chided gently.

Laurina blew him a kiss then strutted down the hall like she was walking the runway, leaving me and Tomas in the proverbial dust.

“Um, she’s very spirited, harmless really,” I said reassuringly to Tomas who was still at a loss for words. “Is that for me?” I prompted trying to stem the awkwardness.

“Yes, I apologize, Miss Monsoon,” Tomas uttered, handing the box to me.

“No apologies needed, Laurina is kinda mind blowing. What’s inside?” I asked with barely contained excitement.

“I never look at the contents of my delivery, Miss Monsoon,” Tomas replied defensively.

“Of course, sorry, I wasn’t calling your integrity into question,” I shot back not wanting to offend him.

“I’m just joking around with you, maybe your friend is right, being bad can be good,” Tomas teased. “I should be on my way. Until the next time, Miss Monsoon,” Tomas whispered.

“A bit presumptuous, don’t you think?” I asked.

“Leave an old man to his hopes,” Tomas quipped unabashedly, with a huge grin on his face.

I smiled chummily in return, choosing to leave him to his delusions. What would be the harm anyway?

I waited till he was out of sight then forced myself to slowly enter my room and place the box on my bed. My heart was racing, and with trembling hands I dislodged the bow and the ribbon, then lifted the lid. There was a swath of red silk, hiding what it contained, but there was a small, golden embossed note written in black ink on top.

Read this first:

Dear delectable staid Miss Monsoon,

Please Follow these instructions. You will find two things in this box. I took the liberty of charging both ahead of time for your unreserved pleasure. I have a single recording for you on the iPhone I have gifted you. Listen to it. It will provide you with the required coaching on how to use your other gift wisely.

—Your personal self-appointed instructor, Hendrik Mr. Vasgård

I swallowed nervously, disturbed by his cryptic words. He knew just what buttons to push to use my inquiring mind against me. The delirious thirst to see what other gift he was referring to would only be quenched through the unveiling. I quickly pushed aside the silk and my heart skipped a beat. Thank God Tomas hadn’t opened the box!

As promised, a black iPhone with the required accessories including earbuds and a charger was laid to one side, while on the opposite side the other gift was encased in a glass box with a small card that read Jimmy Jane Form 2 Vibrator. I knew what it did and what is was for but I’d never used one before. I hadn’t felt the urge to . . . until now.

I bit down on my lip, butterflies in my stomach. I decided to start off with the easier of the two, the iPhone and his recording. I slipped on the earbuds and found the recording. Taking a deep breath, I pressed play.

“If you are listening to this, then that means you do know how to follow instructions,” Hendrik taunted, all the while his masculine voice sent shivers racing down my spine. Even at my own expense I was unable to prevent the self-deprecating smile from blooming on my face.

“You’ll also have seen the vibrator. It’s not there for display it’s there for you to use. I know you’re scared of being touched but under that fear is the notion that touch is associated with pain. You need to remember, to know what it’s like to feel pleasure from being touched. I want you to use the vibrator and imagine that it’s me touching you . . . teasing you . . . making you quiver and tremble explosively from sensory overload.”

I took a deep breath in and out, all of a sudden feeling really hot.

“I want you to follow my every instruction, don’t think, just comply. No faltering, no self-doubts, just listen to my voice. I’m going to guide you on how to use it, how hard to press, how to bring pleasure to yourself. No one will be watching, you’ll be the one in control and you can stop whenever you want. All I’m asking is for you to give this a chance. Can you be brave enough to do that?” he asked hypnotically.

I found myself nodding as if he were in front of me.

“Now take the vibrator out of the case, and lie back against your bed. Place a pillow at your back and relax. Don’t worry, we’ll take this very slow and easy,” he soothed.

On edge I got the vibrator out and did as he instructed.

“Let’s start off very lightly. Press the plus button to turn it on.” I turned it on and jumped a bit at the vibration. “Don’t be scared. Place the vibrator near the most vulnerable part of you, close but not close enough for it to touch you, just close enough to almost feel the vibrations,” he ordered compellingly.

My hands shaking I slowly eased off my panties, making the decision to be adventurous. I leaned back then drew the vibrator close feeling panicked, but intrigued at the same time. I didn’t feel unsafe…just unsure. I hissed as the vibrations teased me in a way that felt invitingly and dangerously seductive. Evocative. Enticing.

“Can you feel yourself respond? Do you want to draw it closer, to feel the vibrations touch your core?” He fired out taking the heat up a thousand notches.

“Yes,” I breathed, honesty coursing through me, curiosity urging me to go farther.

“Having sex is about being teased, being played with, finding your pleasure points, and seeing what makes you unravel,” he mentored invitingly. “Bring it closer, so you can actually feel the vibrations against you.”

I brought it closer and jerked at the unexpected delight of the contact. “Slide it up and down slowly, get a feel for it,” he whispered. I could almost see him in my mind, gazing at me with those midnight green eyes, watching me as I complied.

“Are you getting slicker? Do you feel yourself wanting more?” he rasped out. If you are ready, amp up the intensity then slide it in a tiny bit, get a feel for the sensation,” he suggested.

I amped it up then breathed out as the added intensity sent sparks that lit me up.

“Does it feel good?” Yes, it did and I wanted more!

“I bet it does,” he chuckled dirtily. “If you’re ready, slide it even deeper, until your clit is in between the two heads of the vibrator. Once you find it you’ll know.”

Once I did, I moaned as the sparks ignited into a slow burning fire, making me ache, leaving me unfulfilled, needing more.

“Now move it slowly, swirl it from side to side, in and out, whatever feels good. Can you feel the burn? Do you feel yourself slowly but steadily climbing higher?”

I writhed, my hips moving as I swirled the vibrator. I was beginning to spiral out of control. I closed my eyes caught up in the climb, my breath coming in and out faster.

“Pleasure is also pain because there’s a point you reach that’s so damn good, but also so damn fucking torturous at the same time because the intensity of the impending orgasm becomes so rich, so powerful that it blows your mind. Don’t be scared because that’s what’s going to happen to you in the next thirty seconds,” he lectured. “Now, amp up the intensity to the highest, to the max,” he commanded.

I put it up all the way and moaned wantonly. I didn’t know what was happening to me, where he was taking me but I wanted to go all the way. The ache was becoming unbearable, making me frustrated as I climbed higher at a lightning speed rate.

“Can you feel yourself getting closer and closer to the point of no return? Is your clit throbbing, begging for mercy?” he interrogated, his forceful tone making me clench down hard on the vibrator.

God, it was too much, my back arched, my breathing was uncontrolled, my heartbeat rising to insane heights, and my cheeks were becoming flushed. I couldn’t stand the torture . . . I was so close to falling apart. I didn’t know if I could hold on, it was too much. The pleasure was painfully sweet coated in fire and ice. I drew the vibrator away not sure if I would survive the onslaught. Now I understood what Hendrik was talking about. I throbbed like a demon aching to get past the gates of Heaven, and like a demon my torment was of my own making.

“No, don’t stop,” Hendrik ordered as if reading my thoughts. “Even though it’s intense and you don’t know if you can withstand the pleasure, you can. Your body is made to endure this kind of torture, trust me, it’s worth it. You’re almost there, Älskling, let yourself go, don’t be scared, just let go,” his voice whispered reassuringly in my ear.

I brought it back, and as the pleasure reached its climax I exploded. I could feel myself jerking against the vibrator, the shocks of vibration against my sensitive clit so powerful I found myself crying out. Each throb was more intense than the one before it, making me shudder. The powerful vibration unleashed a wave of desire so great I almost blacked out as it washed over me from head to toe.

And with his voice in my ear I fell completely and utterly apart. Destroyed yet sated. So depleted yet resplendent with the aftershocks of pleasure.

“Now, slowly let yourself down from the high,” he instructed. “Ease down the intensity; just breathe in and out until the shocks stop.”

I sighed and breathed in and out until my body stopped shaking. I felt the vibrator fall from my grasp somewhere but right now I didn’t care. I was languid, boneless, still soaring higher than the sky, the moon, and the sun, higher up in the heavens.

A massive smile grew on my face. If I had the energy I would do it again.

“Now that’s how it should feel,” Hendrik teased. “Now that you’re familiar with your own body, how to give it what it needs, the next time I see you, I’ll soon allow you to become acquainted with mine. And eventually I’ll become acquainted with yours. Sweet dreams, Älskling. Sleep if you can,” he signed off.

Impulsively I looked for him in contacts and saw he’d put himself as number one on my speed dial under Mystery Guy. I laughed, drunk on my high and shot him a text.

I look forward to becoming acquainted with your body, Mr. Vasgård.

Take that Mystery Guy! Almost immediately my phone pinged as if he’d been waiting for me to message him.

Just as long as you keep away from my heart. You’re using one of my gifts…I assume you’ve used the other?

I blushed. Again. And if he could see it he would tease me relentlessly for it. I decided to go for bold and brash.

Warning me off again? And I’ve never fallen apart so deliciously…does that answer your question?

Be very, very careful, Emerson, you’re playing with fire. I can be at your dorm room in fifteen minutes. But trust me when I say that you aren’t ready for me to show you just what I can do to you. Getting off by a vibrator is nothing like being worshipped, caressed, and tasted by another person.

I shivered, tempted almost beyond reason to dare him to come here. To have him do those things to me and more, but he was right, I wasn’t ready.

Such sweet, but empty promises, my deluded Leverager. As much as it pains me to admit it, you’re right. I’m not ready.

But you will be and soon. Now get some sleep, Miss Monsoon, it’s late and you have a busy day tomorrow meeting your patient.

How did he know about that?

How did you find out? Are you having me watched? I’d say the same but there’s no rest for the wicked.

Quit prevaricating—go to sleep!

So bossy! By the way, I’m giving you this phone back when our arrangement has ended.

Emerson, I’m getting in my car now. I can help with tiring you out since you’re clearly still wide-awake.

No, I’m going to sleep NOW! Goodnight!

I put my alarm clock on, taking his lack of response to mean he had aborted his mission. My mind yelled thank God, while my greedy libido cursed me.

“HI, MY NAME is Doctor Bryan. I will be monitoring your first visit with Micah Huntly,” he reported clinically, his eyes critically assessing my attire.

Laurina had insisted that dressing down would be a mistake; I’d gone for a pair of jeans and a black long-sleeve top, paired with a pair of sneakers. I’d opted for that outfit over Laurina’s glamorous suit. While I wanted to impress my adviser, I thought it would be less intimidating for Micah. Was I regretting it now? Maybe a tiny bit.

“Yes, I’m Emerson Monsoon. I’ve brought his file along with me,” I replied, shaking off my nervousness.

“I have to admit I feel bad that you’ve been paired with him. We haven’t been able to get through to him so it’s unlikely you’ll be able to either,” he replied as we stepped into the elevator.

I swallowed not knowing how to reply to that, so I didn’t.

“The kid’s a lost cause, he’s wasting government resources being here. But at least now that you’ll be taking over his weekly appointments that will allow me to spend more time with other patients who show some actual promise of getting better,” he droned on.

“I’m happy to help,” I replied awkwardly, looking down at my feet because if I looked at him I might just show him how much he disgusted me. No one should ever give up on a little kid no matter what. When you’ve given up on yourself you need someone else to fight for your will to live until you are strong enough to do it yourself. Katia had been that person for me, and if this little boy allowed me to, I’d be that person for him.

“Now there’s a couple of things I need to run past you before you meet him,” Doctor Bryan advised as we stepped out of the elevator and walked down a long, gloomy hallway. My mind flicked back to Zaston Institution and I was unable to prevent a shiver.

“You’re not going to run, are you?” Doctor Bryan asked, having caught sight of it.

“No,” I denied strongly.

“Good, because if you can’t stand it out here, there’s no way you’re going to last a second in there with him,” he pointed to the room he’d stopped at.

“I’m staying. What were those things you needed to run past me?” I asked, determined to show that I was committed to my patient.

“I can see your stubborn determination to succeed, even though it won’t be able to help you in this situation,” he critiqued negatively. “Micah is a challenging boy, for want of a better word, as I’m sure you’ve read in his file, he is isolated from the other children but the reason why is because of his temperamental behavior. One second he’s calm and quiet, the next he’s breaking things, out of control. He was scaring the other children so we decided to separate him. His behavior has markedly improved but not past the point of being aloof and unresponsive when he’s spoken to or addressed. The medication has helped but we believe that it’s his trauma that is getting in the way of his recovery, and until we know exactly what happened to him—if we ever will—we will be unable to offer him the psychological treatment he requires.”

“Could the medication be the reason why he’s unresponsive?” I asked, knowing that its numbing effects were two sided in nature. On one hand being numb blocked out the pain, but on the other hand it stunted your ability to feel and deal with the pain. Then again, I wasn’t sure it would ever really go away, I was still trying to work it out myself.

“Please don’t tell me you’re some naturopath who believes in the medicinal healing capacities of the Earth and the trees,” he groaned, his features turning ugly with revulsion.

“No,” I refused. “All I’m saying is maybe now that his condition has somewhat stabilized maybe he should be given another chance to normalize in order to begin addressing his trauma. Or maybe his medication should be reduced with time so he can slowly acclimatize and ease himself back into facing his demons,” I recommended fervently.

“That’s enough, Miss Monsoon,” he responded forcefully. “You are not a trained psychologist, you’re a student, and while I appreciate your passion, your advice is very much out of order. Do not lecture me on things that you do not even understand,” he added cuttingly.

I took a deep breath trying to ease my discomfort under the heavy pressure of his displeasure. His eyebrows rose as he waited for me to reply. My nails bit into my hands as I realized just what he was waiting for me to say. He wanted me to speak words that would result in a painful loss of my dignity.

Digging deep for strength I looked him in the eye unflinchingly. “I apologize, Mr. Bryan,” I swallowed trying to get the rest out, “It won’t happen again.”

He smiled, obviously satisfied with my disingenuous apology.

“One of your redeeming qualities, Miss Monsoon, is knowing when to admit that you are wrong,” he commented drily.

But he was wrong; I was just smart enough to pretend to be defeated in the face of his arrogance. I didn’t have power around here, he did. This program meant way too much to me to lose out on it over my own pride.

“I accept your apology,” he said with such grace, “but see that your defiance doesn’t ever happen again. Unlike you, I do not have such a forgiving nature. Now back to business…as I was trying to say earlier, you need to be stern and unbending with Micah, do not let him intimidate you with his silence. Stand your ground, try and get him to speak and if you can’t, like every other psychologist before you including me, then try and get your professor to reassign you to another patient. I’ll support you if you choose to take that path. Got it?”

I wanted to roll my eyes really badly but I held back. Just.

“Yes,” I conceded, “But I won’t be giving up. I’ll be staying up until the very end of the program.”

He laughed his disbelief, making me clench my teeth hard. Luckily the sound wasn’t audible.

“Only time will tell,” he replied, regaining his composure. He then slid out his security pass and swiped the door, pushing the door so it was slightly ajar. “Now go in, he’s expecting you.”

“Wait,” I whispered trying to make sure Micah wouldn’t hear my desperation. “Where are you going? Aren’t you going to stay?”

“No,” he smiled enjoying my distress. “There’s an emergency button in every room, the big red one, you can’t miss it, if you feel uncomfortable press it. The security guards will come barging in there in under thirty seconds. You’ll be fine, just try not to screw the kid up even more. You’re on your own, Miss Monsoon. Like I said, if you can get him to speak to you, that alone would be a miracle. He hasn’t spoken one word since he got here.”

“But, Doctor Bryan, I need you to assess me. It’s a required component of my university program,” I spoke up as he turned away.

“Do you really want me to sit observing you, while you observe him when I can be helping others?” he questioned scathingly, his tone flaying me.

I swallowed and gave him the only honest answer I could, “No.”

“Good, then we’re on the same page. I’m sorry, you should just accept that there are ten students who will make it through the program, and unless you ask to be reassigned because of the patient you’ve been given you won’t be one of them.”

“We’ll just have to see about that,” I whispered under my breath as he strode off arrogantly. I’d put my hand out to stop the door from closing but I just needed a second to pull myself together.

He’s just a kid, I thought encouragingly to myself. I could do this. No, I had to do this for myself and for Katia. Taking strength from my promise to Katia, I pushed the door open surprised by just how bare Micah’s room was.

It looked practically empty. As I crept in farther I saw Micah seated with his back to me at a single desk, in one of the two chairs available in his room. Save for Micah’s bed there were no personal belongings. Everything was white, pristine, and impersonal. It was no fit place for anybody to live, let alone a little kid. My heart ached for him; he was trapped in a world with no love, happiness, or laughter, just emptiness.

“Micah?” I murmured trying to gain his attention so as not to frighten him. ‘I’m Emerson; I’m here to get to know you, to understand how you’re feeling. I want us to be friends and I know you don’t trust me now, but I’m hoping in time we can both trust each other enough to open up,” I coaxed.

I walked closer, feeling anxious that I’d said or done something wrong. When he didn’t respond but as his face finally came into view I gasped in shock. There was a piece of paper in front of him and a drawing pencil beside it but it was blank and untouched. But that wasn’t what scared me, it was his eyes. He was staring blankly at the wall in front of him. Not in a way that indicated he was ignoring me. It was so much worse because his blue eyes were practically lifeless.

It was like he’d given up. The light was in his eyes but just barely.

I swallowed then decided to try and interact with him again. I went to sit in the seat next to him, but before I could even place a hand to pull it out, Micah’s hand shot out and pushed the chair until it was flush against the table. His head hadn’t moved but the violent outburst was enough to warn me to back off.

I took a step back understanding that what I had done was wrong. I’d taken liberties without asking and I’d moved too fast for him. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I cursed. I had to fix the breach of trust.

“I’m sorry, Micah, I shouldn’t have done that, this is your place and what you want goes. If you don’t want me to sit there then I won’t. But I’m not going to leave. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me. But each week, on this day and at this time, for an hour I’m going to be visiting you. Is it okay if I take a seat on the floor?” I asked.

Met by stone cold silence, but silence nonetheless, I took that as his consent.

“Thanks,” I said as I slouched against the wall then slid down to the floor, crossing one leg over the other ready to stay for the long haul, or rather for the next forty-five minutes. I was sure Micah would be counting down the seconds.

“My dad says I’m the most stubborn person in the world. Once I set my mind to something I refuse to give up,” I said conversationally. “Buddy, you don’t have to like me being here, but I can take whatever you have to dish, your anger, your disappointment, your frustration, everything and anything. You’re silent now but one day you’re going to blow, and when that happens I’ll be here to listen. So, we can just sit here in silence until you’re ready to talk,” I said obstinately.

Micah didn’t reply but I could have sworn I saw his head tilted slightly toward me like he was absorbing what I’d said. I didn’t expect him to believe me now. Why would he? Only with time could I prove myself to be someone worth confiding in.

For the remaining thirty minutes of my visit I sat on the floor not moving or talking.

He needed to be the one to break the silence because in doing so he would be breaking his silence. I got the feeling that it was his way of punishing himself. He hadn’t been separated because he simply couldn’t control his temper; he’d done it so he could be isolated and kept away from others. Maybe it was because he was scared of hurting them somehow?

I could taste his guilt in the atmosphere. I wanted to know what he’d done that was so bad that would make him think that he was a danger to others. I could be completely wrong but there was something to my theory that rang true within me.

“Morning visiting hours will be over in five minutes’ time,” a voice blared from a speaker.

“Looks like we’re done for today. Try not to miss me too much while I’m gone,” I teased. Micah, of course, didn’t respond, he was still doing his statue impersonation.

I left his room then went to reception where I handed over my security access card all the while strategizing. If Micah wouldn’t talk I would have to find some other way of getting him to communicate with me. I smiled as I thought of a way. Maybe instead of getting him to talk I could get him to show me how he felt. I cooked up the plan in my head and felt myself growing more confident of its success.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I drew it out then looked at the dialer, feeling disappointed when I saw that it wasn’t Mystery Guy. It was an unknown caller.

“Hi, this is Emerson Monsoon speaking,” I answered.

“Good Morning, Miss Monsoon, this is Professor Edwards,” the velvety smooth, male voice identified. A jolt of concern went through me. As far as I was aware there was no reason for him to be calling me.

“Is there something wrong?” I immediately fired.

“Your adviser, Doctor Bryan, rang me voicing his concerns about your patient and intimated that you would like to be reassigned to a new patient . . .”

How dare he jeopardize my placement in the program! I thought while shaking with fury.

“No,” I said confidently, not a trace of anger in my voice. “While I appreciate Doctor Bryan’s concern I do not want to be reassigned to another patient. Micah Huntly might not know it but he needs me. I’m going to make sure he gets better,” I swore.

“Good, because I was just about to tell you that there will be no reassignment. Each patient has been carefully screened personally by me and I wouldn’t have assigned them to mere novices if I didn’t believe that each and every single one of them couldn’t be helped by any one of my students,” Professor Edwards lectured.

“Of course, Professor, I intend to fully commit to my patient’s recovery,” I stressed, not wanting him to think about scrapping me from the program.

“What is your prognosis on your patient?” he asked, moving away from discussion of reassignment to my relief.

“I believe that Micah has extensive trauma. I believe that it wasn’t a singular event in his past that led to his trauma but a continuous assault. His scars run deep, and I think that he feels responsible, like somehow his trauma was the result of his own doing. He almost welcomes his isolation, as if he’s a danger to everyone. I wasn’t able to get him to respond to me, but I believe that with time trust can be built,” I assessed.

“Very insightful, Miss Monsoon. I can see that I have paired Mr. Huntly with the right person,” he praised.

I smiled, feeling more confident now that he had placed his faith within me. My smile then dropped as I wondered why Micah was the way he was.

“Who hurt him? I checked the visitor’s records before I saw him and I didn’t see anyone with the last name of Huntly written in them. Why hasn’t any of his family come to see him?” I asked eagerly.

“Now, Miss Monsoon, you know I can’t answer any of those questions,” he admonished gently.

“I understand, my curiosity got the better of me. I’ll find the answers to them myself,” I promised, and not only because I needed to wield successful results, but because I wanted Micah happy and weightless, just like any other kid his age.

“JAREK, HAVE YOU had any success tracking down Felix Ulrich? I haven’t been able to find a single trace of him,” I shared with frustration over the phone.

“No, it’s like he’s a ghost. Mikhail has even asked his sources from the dark web. If even they can’t find him then that means he’s being hidden by someone with power,” Jarek replied.

“Or he is no longer alive,” I added derisively. “Well, if we can’t locate him then we should refocus our attention on someone we can find that will help Ethan Vasco’s case.”

“Like on the witness who has come forward,” Jarek suggested, echoing my thoughts. “But how exactly is that person meant to help his case?”

“I believe Ethan Vasco, which means that the witness is lying. I want to find out why. I can hack into the Department of Justice’s records; the witness is probably under witness protection pending the trial. The witness would have to be close to Ethan with him being under lock and key with his monitor bracelet and the detectives trailing him all the time. It will take some time though,” I mused.

“How long?”

“I’d say a solid three to four hours,” I estimated.

“So then do you want us to be ready to move tonight?” Jarek inquired with anticipation.

“Yes, but keep Sev on standby. There’s no reason for anybody to get hurt, including the witness. We keep it clean and make sure that none of this blows back on Alexei or Ethan. Got it?”

“Got it. And I guess this means Mikhail is no longer on research duty…he can join in on the action?”

“We need him so that leaves me with no choice. Make it clear that he’s on probation, I’m not sure he’s gotten all the anger under control, but it’s only fair we give him a chance,” I said, withholding the passing of judgment.

“I’ll let him know. Sev won’t be happy being sidelined,” Jarek commented which was only fair since he’d be the one passing on the news to Sev.

“He won’t like it but he’ll understand,” I replied, ending the call. Sitting down at my desk at Grigoriy Chambers I rolled my neck and shoulders then got to work on hacking.

MY PHONE BUZZED but this time when I saw who was calling I chose not to answer it. It vibrated again indicating I had a voicemail. I sighed, wanting to ignore it, but if there was one thing I knew about my estranged mother it was that she refused to be ignored. So instead I opted to listen to it.

“Hi, honey. Your father told me you are studying at Thorne University. I don’t know if you’re aware but I live only forty minutes away from you. Isn’t that just a crazy coincidence how close we are to each other? We have to meet up! Please give me another chance. I also want you to meet my new man; you’ll love him. I want to see you and for myself make sure you’re okay especially since your father is three hours away. I’ve respected your privacy but as your mother I need you to know that I am here for you and that you can lean on me. Please give me a call back, I’ll free up my schedule for whenever you’re free and I’ll meet you wherever you want.”

I brought the phone away from my ear as the voicemail ended, not sure what to think. I never thought she would continue to make the effort to try and be in my life again after I’d been released from Zaston Institution.

Since she’d obviously moved on from the idea of reconciliation with my dad, maybe this meant she’d been truthful with her intentions of reconnecting with me all along. I still felt a huge amount of doubt and distrust, but maybe I owed it to myself to give her a shot?

Unsure of what to do I decided to ring Doctor Fleur instead of doing the usual run around whenever she made her weekly call.

“Emerson Monsoon, are you really calling me or has someone stolen your phone? I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that you were the caller on my phone,” Doctor Fleur answered with genuine shock.

“It was an accident,” I lied.

“Don’t hang up!” she ordered.

“Fine, we might as well get our weekly appointment over and done with,” I said, trying to mask my own intention to ask her for advice.

“How have you been doing? Are you still having the nightmares?” she inquired professionally.

“Yes, the same one every time. I know it seems like I haven’t made any progress, and before you tell me I should be taking the pills I think I’ve begun to make some leeway with the whole unable to be touched problem.” I smiled through the phone.

“Wait. Just hold on a minute. Is that actual uncontrived happiness I hear in your voice? It can’t be!” Doctor Fleur cried.

“It might be,” I shared secretively.

“Have you met someone? Have you been intimate with that someone?” she interrogated.

“I have met someone. He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met. He challenges me and pushes me past my boundaries. And no, but I want to be,” I admitted self-consciously. I hadn’t ever said that out loud and if felt freeing. I’d also chosen to leave out the whole ‘I was practically paying him for his services’ part, otherwise she’d declare me to be mentally unfit here and now!

“That is huge. All I want to say is take it really, really slow. You must trust him a lot in the first place to let him get past your walls, but if you aren’t ready then don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Have you told him about what happened to you?”

“Not really. I mean he knows that something happened to me, that someone hurt me, but I couldn’t really tell him anymore than that when it’s still all a mystery to me,” I admitted. I had also left out the part of being locked up at a mental institution.

“So you still don’t remember anything?” Doctor Fleur asked.

“My mother rang me,” I broke in, unable to hold it in any longer.

“Ah, Emerson, you didn’t call me by accident, did you? No, don’t bother answering that, I already know the answer. What did she call you about?” she asked, donning her psychologist, clinical voice.

“To meet up with her, she told me she lives near Thorne University. The thing is, I don’t know if I should,” I replied, feeling really torn.

“What are you scared about?”

“That she’ll leave me again. It really hurt the first time. I thought she’d left because I wasn’t enough to make her stay. A part of me still does believe that. I thought she only came back when I was hurt to be with my dad but it seems like she really does want to be part of my life again. I just don’t want her to hurt me again,” I confessed.

“I guess what you really need to ask yourself is whether you think the possible hurt could be worth the pain. When I ask you this next question I want you to be impulsive, don’t think, just answer, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Would you regret not giving her this chance?”

Without even knowing I was going to say it, I whispered, “Yes.”

“Then I guess you have your answer. Call her or message her now and tell her you’ll meet up with her. Don’t wait because you might just change your mind. You’ve been honest with yourself and you need to do this before you allow your fear of getting hurt stop you,” Doctor Fleur instructed.

“Okay, I will,” I answered with conviction. She was right, I had to do this or I’d always wonder what if.

“And, Emerson, no matter what happens down the line you need to know that a daughter doesn’t need to be good enough to make her mother stay. It’s the mother’s job to be good enough to stay and to always protect, love, and cherish her daughter, especially when she’s vulnerable,” she stressed.

“Is that your personal or professional opinion?” I quipped to hide how I felt. My dad and I had never spoken about it. The morning she’d left I’d asked my dad where she’d gone…the pain I’d seen in him made me never ask that question again. It had been the first time I’d seen him break down and cry in front of me.

I had planned on never letting it happen again. But the second time had been beyond my control. When I’d woken up in the hospital after I’d been assaulted, the first thing I had heard were muffled sobs. The first thing I had seen was him doubled over, his body shaking so hard, making the bed I was lying on shake, too. And the first thing I’d felt was how hard he’d been clutching my hand like he’d never let me go again.

So hearing someone else tell me that I hadn’t been the one to cause him to hurt like that eased some of the heaviness of my lingering self-doubt which had never really gone away, even when I’d grown older.

“It’s okay to feel relief in the knowledge that it wasn’t your fault she left, Emerson,” Doctor Fleur laughed, correctly identifying the reason for my deflection.

“Thanks, Doctor Fleur. I know I’ve never really said it or shown it before but you’ve helped me a lot, even when I didn’t want you to.”

“Is this your way of trying to get out of talking to me again? Because if it is, it isn’t going to work!” Doctor Fleur warned.

“Of course, it is, did you really think I meant what I said?” I lied, self-mockingly.

“All jokes aside, I’m happy you’re happy, Emerson. You deserve to be. Now make contact with your mother. I’ll call you next week,” she promised as she ended the call.

Biting down nervously on my lower lip I decided to text my mother, I wasn’t up for having a deep and meaningful conversation with her just yet. I also didn’t want to meet her anywhere near my dorm room or on campus. So that left neutral ground for a meet up, possibly a restaurant.

I want to give you another chance. Would you be free to meet up next Saturday for lunch?

Immediately I received a reply.

I would love to. Since you’re new to the city, Emerson, why don’t I choose the restaurant?

Sounds perfect to me, just nothing too fancy, and by fancy I mean anything requiring me to put on a decadent dress and heels because I don’t own either of those things!

That is clearly all my fault, but as your mother I intend on making good on showing you how to dress. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I promise you won’t regret this. I’ll let you know once I’ve chosen a place.

The weight in my chest eased a little, but still I felt uncertain and scared. I was opening myself up to the possibility of hurt. I wanted to erase my fear, I wanted to feel strong and courageous, and there was only one person who made me feel that way. Taking a chance, I decided to break protocol and message Hendrik. He usually initiated our meetings, but maybe this time he would let me take the reins.

Dear Mystery Guy Mr. Vasgård I don’t want to be alone tonight.

Are you seeking an invitation to my lair? - Miss Monsoon

Maybe. I replied.

That can be arranged. I do have something to take care of but it won’t take long. In the meantime, I’ll get Emelius to take you to my place.

I felt such a rush of thrilling exhilaration that had me clutching my stomach to try and still the butterflies. My skin felt alive, and I felt achy in a way I’d never felt before. Deciding to test his unbroken control I decided to tease him.

Blindfolded?

No. I have nothing to hide. But you’ve given me an idea and it involves you being blindfolded and in my bed.

Is that the price of admission into your lair?

It is now. Still interested in coming? Please excuse the innuendo.

I’m still not ready to go all the way.

I know, which is why you’ll be the one doing all the work. You did say you wanted to become acquainted with my body. Why not do it blindfolded?

You’re incorrigible.

I take it that’s not a no?

You’re just so irresistible, how can I deny you? I will be there.

You made sure you didn’t use the word coming, didn’t you? That’s why it took you so long to reply?

Dammit, he was good! I didn’t respond, but I’m sure my silence was telling enough.

“JAREK, YOU’RE UP,” I ordered as we approached the back door.

“Are you sure this is the right address? Why would they hide a witness in a mansion?” Jarek whispered back in disbelief.

“To fool unimaginative people like you,” Mikhail whispered back, rolling his eyes. “Let me do it.”

“No! Jarek’s quiet, your way of breaking in involves a lot of smashing and destruction,” I refused.

“Come on! That was one time. I was so drunk I couldn’t open the door so I got a bit frustrated.” With Mikhail’s attention on me, I gave Jarek a nod to proceed to open the door. He flashed me a grin then began to do his thing.

“Mikhail, you threw a brick through the window. If that wasn’t loud enough, you yelled ‘victory and I did it’. The police came and arrested you and they didn’t even need witnesses, because you’d incriminated yourself, right in front of them,” I commented continuing to distract him. Jarek almost had the door unlocked, he just needed a couple more seconds. “I couldn’t believe my ears when you were on the phone telling me you needed me to bail you out and were sorry that I had to waste one of my favors to get you out. But what was even worse was that you had gotten arrested trying to get into your own brand new house, and because you had no I.D. on you at the time no one believed you weren’t a burglar.”

“It’s not on my record, so technically it doesn’t count!” Mikhail rebutted pseudo angrily.

“But it counts to us. Both Hendrik and I have never gotten caught, and besides, what are we still doing out here when I’ve unlocked the door and disarmed the alarm already?” Jarek inquired nonchalantly, all the while wearing his signature smirk.

“You guys suck,” Mikhail said, his scowl coming out to play. He pushed past Jarek and proceeded to enter. “I get to do it next time,” he whispered fiercely.

I flashed Jarek a wink then entered behind Mikhail. “Sure,” I responded as if it was a foregone conclusion.

“Really?” Mikhail asked distrustfully.

“No,” I laughed quietly.

“What he really means is hell no,” Jarek correctly interpreted.

“I don’t even know why I put up with you two,” Mikhail sighed, leading the way. “I wish Sev was here so he could back me up.”

“You know, Sev wouldn’t take sides…he doesn’t like to get involved in our fights,” Jarek threw back after he’d checked that there was no one on the ground floor.

I overtook the two of them, not missing the death stare Mikhail was shooting at Jarek. Nonetheless, I knew they would both full in line behind me despite their little brotherly spat. I made my way up the stairs, pausing as I got to the top seeing a closed door with light peeking out from the bottom.

Seamlessly and smoothly Jarek stood on one side of the door and Mikhail on the other side. I gestured to the balcony at the end of the hall, which if I was right, connected to the room we wanted to get in. I then pointed to my comms telling them on my word to be ready to go in from their point of entry.

They both nodded their heads in affirmation, all businesslike forgetting their fight, which I knew they would continue having once this was all over. The only difference is Sev would be there to play peacemaker.

I opened the balcony door and stealthily made my way to the back doors of the room. On my way there I heard a loud, panicked male voice yelling. “Where are you? You told me I would have two men posted on me at all times. They left suddenly, telling me they would be back.” Taking a chance, I peeked in seeing that the man was facing away from me, but apart from that I saw he was alone.

“There’s one guy inside. No weapons in sight. Let’s go,” I ordered once the man had finished his conversation.

At the same time the three of us barged in. I heard the man yell “What the fuck?” I was about to respond but when I saw who he was, shock spread through my system like sound waves sweeping me from head to toe.

“Knulla,” I swore.

“That doesn’t sound good,” Mikhail commented, eyeing me wearily.

“You’ve known him for five years and you haven’t learned the language of his people?” Jarek questioned scornfully, but unlike Mikhail, his eyes were locked on the man in disbelief, too.

“And you have?” Mikhail replied, not cluing in. The man’s eyes were swiveling back and forth not knowing what was happening but having enough sense to shut up and listen.

“Just all the important words, those being the Swedish swear words, of course. And he said a really, really bad one,” Jarek shared. The man paled. While the three of us were unarmed, up against us he had no chance of escape.

“So who is he?” Mikhail asked taking a step toward the man who visibly flinched.

“He is Felix Ulrich, the man who is supposedly Ethan Vasco’s friend,” I shared, the last part more for Felix than anything, wanting to see how he’d react. Noting the brief look of regret on his face I knew that we could use it against him. “Ethan asked us to track you down because he wanted you to go on the stand for him, to defend him,” I emphasized as I drew closer. “What I want to know is why would you, his best friend, come forward as a witness saying he committed a crime he didn’t commit?” I fired at him.

“He did do it!” Felix shouted. “I saw him rape the girl with my own two eyes. I thought Ethan had changed but he hasn’t. He’s no innocent…don’t you know about his past? He did the same thing to two other girls years ago!” Felix cried with wild eyes.

“You. Are. Lying. Drop the act and tell me what’s going on,” I demanded. “You’re right, Ethan isn’t an innocent, but you aren’t God and neither am I. But I know he didn’t hurt Katia and if you do this, if you go on the stand and lie, you will regret this for the rest of your life. Just like I would if I didn’t tell you that what you’re doing is wrong.”

“I’m not lying,” Felix denied, getting red in the face, sweat beginning to pool on his brow. He was close to breaking, I just needed to push him a little but further.

I pulled the lamp on the bedside table beside me out from the socket and threw it against the wall next to Felix. He jumped, looking to Mikhail and Jarek to stop me but neither made any step to prevent my outburst.

“You have one last chance to tell me the truth,” I threatened. I wasn’t going to hurt him but he didn’t know that.

“I have no choice!” Felix broke, his chest heaving up and down. “They have my family, my wife and kids. If I don’t do this and see this through to the end then they’ll kill them!”

“Who are they?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he yelled.

“Felix,” I urged.

“I DON’T KNOW!” I got a phone call the night after Ethan stayed over at my place, I heard my wife begging me to do what they wanted, then she gave me a list of instructions,” he admitted as he brought a shaking hand up to his neck.

“Tell me her instructions, every single word,” I ordered.

“She said that I needed to go to the Justice Department and tell them that I had witnessed Ethan raping Katia. Then she gave me all these details, the location of where the girl had been raped, her injuries, basically all the information needed to make a case against Ethan. Since you’ve found me you’ve obviously read my report, everything I said was everything that I was told to say. I owe her this. She wouldn’t speak to me after I went to jail. Iced me out completely, but I deserved it. She wanted me to find a job instead I took the easy way out. There’s no chance of reconciliation, but I have to do this for my family. I have no choice. I don’t know who they are or why they are doing this but I need to make sure my family is safe. So I don’t give a damn about myself or my conscience, when I’m called up to the stand I’m going to lie,” Felix swore, looking me dead in the eye.

Helvete! This was much bigger than one man’s life. I had no clue what was going on but there was one thing I could do.

“I can help find the people who have taken your family. I can’t promise that your family won’t come to any harm but I’ll do my very best to make sure nothing happens to them,” I offered.

“No! No way!” Felix said shaking his head so hard that I thought he was going to hurt himself. “No, you can’t, because I won’t let you. This is my decision, my risk to take. They are my family and I am going to do whatever the hell they want and you aren’t going to do anything to stop me. What happens to them is on me. I’m sorry, but I can’t help Ethan, but I hope you can find another way to help him. Now you need to leave.”

I took a couple steps back, trying to show that I was going to back off but I needed him to know that he wasn’t alone.

“Felix, I know this is your play and I respect that you have to do what you have to do to keep your family safe. But if you ever change your mind and you want to take the help I’m offering you, come to The Den of Iniquity and give your name to the bouncers at the front, they will alert me. Before I go I need you to confirm that you’ll contact me if you need help,” I urged.

Felix looked at me, without a shred of hope, but I could see the light of a prayer in his eyes. I hoped his prayer wouldn’t go unanswered.

“I hope it doesn’t come to that, because coming to you would be my last resort. Just focus on helping Ethan,” Felix pressed.

I nodded. Seeing that he was about to ask us to leave again I went out the door so he didn’t have to. On the way back to our meeting point the three of us were all silent. We’d come tonight to find a witness and to find answers, but instead, Ethan’s chances of getting off were darker than ever.

Mikhail put his hand on my shoulder, halting me in my tracks. “Just wait a minute, are we really not going to track down who has his family?” Mikhail asked.

“Yes,” I responded.

“Is that all you have to say?” Mikhail said, his grip tightening on my shoulder.

“Mikhail, quit while you’re ahead and take your hand off Hendrik,” Jarek barked.

“Stay out of it, Jarek,” Mikhail ordered.

“It’s okay, Jarek,” I responded. “I get that Mikhail’s upset but he doesn’t get it. Mikhail, we can’t just mess with people’s lives unless they give us the authority to. Otherwise we become just like all those monsters that take a person’s free will from them, leaving them with no choice. I refuse to do that. There are some lines you just can’t cross. Do you think I don’t want to help him? Of course, I do! But if something happened to his family because we tried to save them and went against his wishes, how could you live with that? Tell me, Mikhail, because I honestly couldn’t. It’s not my choice to make. If you believe otherwise then I won’t stop you, but I will never support your decision to make an already dangerous situation nuclear,” I promised.

Mikhail looked at me with anguish. “There are kids involved,” he whispered.

I put both hands on his shoulders and squeezed, trying to absorb his pain. “I know, Mikhail. That’s why we have to exercise as much caution as possible. I told Felix that we would help if he asked. We have to let him try and do it his way first. We extended the offer, and in the meantime we can try and find another way to stop these people that doesn’t involve going through Felix. We aren’t giving up, we just have to find another way,” I repeated. “Get me?”

“I get you,” Mikhail whispered, releasing me, but I held on just a moment longer before I released him. Beside me I heard Jarek exhale in relief.

“I’m s—” Mikhail began.

“No, don’t apologize,” I overrode. “Just tell me you’re not going to go out on your own and take the darker path, because you can’t come back from that.”

“I’m going to be right where I’ve always been, next to you guys. I wasn’t thinking before, I was just feeling useless and angry,” Mikhail said, looking away.

“I know. Why do you think I didn’t let Jarek beat you up?” I joked.

“It’s a shame because I would have enjoyed it,” Jarek said, trying to lighten the mood. “What’s our next move, boss?”

“We take the rest of the night off and figure out another way,” I suggested.

“Since when do you take a night off?” Mikhail asked, shaking off his residual anger.

“It’s been a tough night,” I deflected. The truth was I was looking forward to going home to Emerson. Helvete! Not home to her, to her becoming acquainted with my body, I corrected.

“That’s not it,” Jarek said, looking at me as if trying to read my mind.

“Both of you let it go,” I ordered.

“It’s her, isn’t it?” Mikhail queried with a knowing smile on his lips.

“That’s what I was thinking, too,” Jarek smiled back. “It’s Emerson Monsoon, you’re seeing her tonight, aren’t you?”

“Fine, yes, I am,” I groaned.

“You can’t get close to her…you have a job to do,” Mikhail said seriously.

“My job requires me to get close to her,” I replied.

“You know what I mean, Hendrik,” Mikhail persisted as we approached our cars.

I sighed, dropping my act. “Yeah, I do. Don’t worry about me I know how to keep myself in check.”

“You’re not made out of stone even though you try to act like it,” Jarek commented.

“Enough, both of you. She’s a means to an end, and we all know how it’s going to end. You have nothing to worry about. I’m focused and nothing is going to make me change my mind. I know what I have to do,” I stressed.

And I was going to do it, even if I didn’t like it.

LEAVING THE ELEVATOr, I entered Hendrik’s apartment, which from my view was the whole top floor of the building. It was an open plan so I could see everything…the kitchen that looked like a chef’s dream in all black marble, sleek and shiny with kitchen appliances that I didn’t even know the name of.

To my left there was a library with books from the floor to the ceiling, some looking as old as time. There was a black, comfy chair and study table next to it and I could just imagine Hendrik sitting there in quiet solitude reading and basking in the rays of the sun when it was in the sky at the right angle.

I walked farther in and saw a glass-encased room filled with gym equipment that was all foreign to me. Next to that was another glass-encased room, the master bedroom I had no doubt, which Hendrik slept in with a master bathroom attached.

You should wait for him on his bed, my libido whispered. I laughed out loud at the thought. There was no way in hell I was going to do that.

I shook my head marveling as I noticed that there were shutters on each wall of his bedroom, which meant that Hendrik had a choice of waking up to the sun or in complete and utter darkness.

And that wasn’t even the best thing. The best thing was the three-hundred-and-sixty-degree panoramic view balcony that surrounded the whole of the apartment floor. It was all badass and so Hendrik.

I knew Hendrik was well off, but not this well off.

Feeling just slightly intimidated I decided to sit my ass down on the massive sofa to prevent myself from snooping through the rest of his apartment to try and get as much information as I could on the elusive Leverager. As good as it would be to get the upper hand on him, this was his place and he was entitled to his privacy.

I turned on his massive television and flicked through the channels until I settled on the Originals watching Klaus kick some vampire’s ass. And this was where Hendrik found me an hour later.

“How was your day, honey?” I teased.

He sent me a heated look from his flaring, midnight green eyes that made me feel all warm and tingly. That look should be made illegal!

“Careful, I might just keep you. I think I like being greeted like that when I come home,” he added. And this time all the warm and tingly feelings zinged straight to my core. I squirmed to try and dissipate the zings and immediately regretted it as he caught my discomfort. His eyes zoned in on my crossed legs.

My cheeks grew hot and I looked away. The silence between us grew intense, and just as I was thinking about going out on the balcony for some fresh, sobering air, he spoke.

“I’ve had a long day. Hit dead ends on all leads. I’m going to take a shower…come with me, I want some company,” he urged, compellingly.

I gulped, almost choking. Him. Naked. Wet. I don’t think I could deal. It would be too intimate. Too much.

“I don’t think that would be a very good idea,” I said.

“Tagga ned. I wasn’t inviting you to share my shower and I’m not an exhibitionist. I’m not asking you to watch. I’m asking you to sit on my bed and talk to me while I shower,” he chuckled.

“What does tagga ned mean?” I asked curiously, trying to stall while I thought it over.

“Well, the literal translation means bring down your spikes.”

“What?” I asked with confusion.

“It means take it easy,” he answered.

“Wow, did you just actually tell me something for free?” I laughed.

“Yes, but only in the interest of getting what I want, but my generosity only extends so far,” he replied cryptically.

“Fine. How about we make a deal?” I brokered, speaking his stealth language.

“I’m listening,” he said as he sat opposite me, muscles bunching in the process. Focus, Em! I admonished. I could commit his muscles to memory later. Preferably naked, my libido added.

“Tell me what Älskling means and I’ll do what you want,” I offered, folding my arms. This was serious business! I’d tried to look it up on the Internet but my spelling of the word was wildly incorrect because I couldn’t find a single translation of it.

“Only if when I come out of the shower your sweet ass is still parked on my bed,” he countered, raising the stakes higher.

“That’s not fair,” I chided.

“I’m not a fair man, you should know that by now,” he goaded.

I brought my right hand up in the thinking pose, trying to make him sweat my pending decision, but he looked anything but affected. In fact, he was alpha male confident and his lips were twitching like he found me amusing.

Well, I did really want to know what it meant, and I did really want to try out the whole blindfold thing . . . Besides, would I really lose out if I accepted his proposal?

“Fine, but only so long as you tell me what the word means first,” I renegotiated.

“Done deal. The word Älskling means sweetheart,” he translated smoothly.

“What? Are you messing with me? Why would you call me that?” I asked, feeling angry that he was playing with me. It couldn’t be true, although I wanted it to be true.

Hendrik bent closer, all intense, his eyes dark like he was remembering a forgotten memory.

“The night I met you, you were unguarded, almost unconscious. I was a complete stranger to you yet you didn’t flinch away from me. You gave me the sweetest smile I’d ever seen, like you trusted me,” he said with wonderment.

I bit down hard on my lip trying to brace myself for whatever else he was going to share.

“And I knew you did when you fell asleep right in my arms. Yes, it may have been drug induced and you may have thought I was a hallucination but that didn’t matter to me. There’s only one other person who has ever looked at me that way. I never thought someone would ever look at me that way again, but you did. You. Did. I didn’t need to take you to a hotel and make sure you were okay, I should have just called an ambulance, but I didn’t,” he continued.

Goosebumps drifted up and down my arms. I wanted to look away but his words kept me in his thrall.

“I call you sweetheart because of those rare, beautiful moments you do smile at me. I see who you are beneath all the pain and the fear,” he admitted. I stopped breathing wanting to tell him to stop talking, because I could feel myself breaking apart inside. The emotion was overwhelming. He was getting to me and I couldn’t let that happen. This was just business. He couldn’t do this to me, I wouldn’t let him! And yet as my mouth opened I said nothing, instead I dug my nails into the couch.

Hendrik sat back somehow sensing I couldn’t take anymore, letting me breathe again. “So, Emerson, no, I’m not messing with you. But whether you believe me or not, I don’t care. I’m heading for a shower now and you’re going to keep your end of the deal,” he growled, standing up, towering over me.

My eyes followed his every step, up until he disappeared into his bedroom. I know I was supposed to follow, but I couldn’t. I was frozen. Stuck. Glued to the couch.

“Emerson,” I heard him call threateningly from his bedroom, “Don’t make me come and get you or you’ll be sharing my shower with me and I’ll be saying screw our deal.”

All of a sudden my limbs became unstuck. “I’m coming,” I yelled, walking faster just in case he hadn’t.

I made it just in time to see him unbutton his shirt—slowly and tantalizingly. He gestured to his bed wordlessly and I parked my ass on it. My mouth watered as each revealing inch of skin unveiled the artwork on his right shoulder. The tattoo was of a fierce eagle perched on beautifully detailed roses.

“What made you decide to get that tattoo?” I asked carefully.

“Haven’t I revealed enough of myself to you for one night?” he questioned, tossing his shirt on the floor.

“I’m greedy, what can I say?” I said as I put two of his pillows at my back and leaned back. There was no reason why I shouldn’t be comfortable.

“Fine,” he groaned. “I told you about my dad and how he passed away. The tattoo is in memory of him. When I was young he always used to say to me that the eagle was a man’s connection to the Divine because it flies higher than any other bird. He told me that I always should try to rise above my fears and weaknesses to be the eagle, to help those who can’t help themselves.”

“So that’s why you became the Leverager?” I asked, sitting up higher, trying to read his face but it was a closed book.

“Yes and no,” he replied ambiguously. His hands went to unbutton his pants and I closed my eyes, unsure if it was because if I saw any more flesh I was going to spontaneously combust or because I might just jump off the bed and help him with the rest of his clothes.

“So now you choose to be shy, should have figured that taking my clothes off would be one of the things that would make you quit interrogating me,” he commented as I heard a soft thud, quickly followed by another one.

“I might have deserved that,” I admitted. “Thanks for telling me about your tattoo,” I whispered.

“And what about the other thing?” he teased, no doubt talking about his endearment for me.

This time I decided to remain silent.

“It kills me when you go silent like that. Your silence is your weapon just as much as words are mine. It’s safe to open your eyes now,” he instructed. But I waited until I heard the shower door close before I did so.

“I don’t mean to,” I called over the falling water.

“I know. It’s a protective mechanism. How about we talk about something a little bit lighter, tell me about your day. How was your first meeting with your patient?” he replied.

“Well, my own supervisor tried to get me thrown off my patient’s case, because he thought I wouldn’t be able to deal with my his violent outbursts,” I said, punching my hand through the air in frustration even though Hendrik couldn’t see me.

“What? Want me to deal with him for you? It would have to be for a price though,” he offered.

“No, I dealt with him just fine myself,” I smiled.

“You’re clearly not so sweet after all. Or maybe I’m just corrupting you. So, tell me about your patient.”

“I’m about as sweet as a viper,” I threw back. “And while I can’t disclose any confidential details about my client, I can say that he isn’t just prone to violent outbursts for no reason. There’s something underneath all the anger, I just have to find a way to unlock it.”

“You sound like you know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, I guess I do,” I replied a lot less vocally.

“Have you found the key to unlocking your anger yet?” he pushed.

Going out on a limb I decided to be truthful. “I think you just might be the key. As for answers, I don’t think I’ll ever find any. If anything, I think that’s the hardest thing to deal with.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, and I could have sworn his voice was thicker.

I sighed, remembering what Doctor Fleur had said about being honest.

“I was happy at first when I realized that I couldn’t remember what had happened to me. I thought it was a godsend. But then it hit me; not knowing exactly what had happened to me was much worse because I couldn’t deal with what had happened. Sure, I have the physical scars to prove it,” I said tracing my scars, “but it was like it had happened to someone else and I was just on the outside looking in.”

“And that’s why you haven’t been able to get the closure you need,” he said out loud as if he reading my thoughts.

“Exactly.”

I closed my eyes again as I heard the shower close and the door open.

“So why didn’t you ask me to help you track down your attackers?” Hendrik asked, now much, much closer in proximity. Even from where he stood I could feel his intensity and power locking on me. Waiting for a response.

I’d asked myself that very question hundreds of times and each time I’d come up with the same answer.

“Because the detectives on my case have absolutely no leads. My attackers left no evidence, not even on me. I know it sounds like I’m giving up on myself by not making it my life’s mission to find whoever hurt me, but I refuse to let them have any more power over me. Each moment I spend thinking about them is a moment wasted on my ability to move on,” I answered even though I hadn’t yet. “I’m trying to move on but for each step forward it feels like I take a thousand back.”

“Other people might doubt your decision but I think it’s the right one,” he replied.

“I don’t believe you. You’re all about fighting your demons, you’re always in control…how would you know what it feels like?” I derided.

“Trust me, Emerson, I know what it’s like to be consumed by something so dark; the difference is unlike you because I’ve let it rule me. I did unforgivable things. I lost control. While I can’t take back the things I’ve done, I refuse to lose control like that ever again,” he swore. I could hear the torment in his voice, making me question how I’d gotten it so wrong.

I closed my eyes tighter, wishing I could stop hearing him assassinate his character.

“God, Emerson, there have been so many times I’ve wanted to give up and give in to those voices that tell me nothing I do will ever be good enough to atone for my sins. I’ve wanted to fade away into oblivion so I wouldn’t have to feel the biting pain of my regret. But all of it, the heartache and emptiness, the attempts to be better are worth it because for that one rare second that everything feels right, you forget all the things that are wrong. I’ve found those moments mostly with my brothers, and you’ll find them, too. Hold onto them and remember that if you can feel that powerful and confident at any one point in time then who’s to say you can’t feel that way again? This is your goddamn life, Emerson, and it’s time for you to take it back,” he said forcefully.

“I don’t know how. Why do you think I asked for your help?” I cried with frustration.

“I can’t do it for you, but I promised to help you and I will. But you need to take risks; you have to get your fears out of your mind. Are you ready to feel powerful again? Do you want to create one of those moments with me right here and now?” he asked.

I swallowed. Unsure exactly what he was asking of me.

“I’ve initiated every physical contact between us. This time you’re going to be the initiator. You need to take control and learn that yes, sex is about power. But it’s more than that, it’s about giving the other person your trust and allowing them to have power over you. The loss of power doesn’t make you weak or unsafe. Instead, it’s liberating. You have no responsibility other than to take your pleasure while the other person gives it and takes his in return from yours,” he lectured.

“It sounds like you’ve already made my decision for me,” I said with aggravation. “Is it safe to open my eyes now?” I queried impatiently. I didn’t know what I was more frustrated about, that I wanted to please him or that I knew he was right. I needed to do this before I changed my own mind and let my fear take root.

“No. Keep them closed. No peeking,” he ordered, obviously hearing my wordless willingness to take on his new challenge. I heard him moving around, opening a drawer.

“I hate being kept in suspense,” I complained good-naturedly, even though I was really nervous as hell.

“Trust me, I’ll teach you to love it. Now I don’t have a blindfold, but I thought I’d improvise. I’ve got a crimson red tie that should be more than worthy enough to do the job. Don’t flinch, I’m going to put it around your eyes,” he warned as he did exactly that with minimal contact.

“Why does this feel like I’m the one who’s the powerless one here?” I asked suspiciously.

“What better way is there than facing your fear in complete darkness?” he asked rhetorically. “Just like you were in control with your vibrator, you’ll be in control here. You can take the blindfold off anytime you want. The only reason why I’m not wearing one is to prevent us from getting a concussion,” he quipped.

I threw back my head and laughed, loving that somehow he’d made the awkward situation easy and unthreatening.

“Your laugh is just as sweet as your smile,” he murmured, “it’s a shame it only comes out every once in awhile. You need to do it more often,” he whispered in my ear stealing my breath away.

“Stop it,” I said throatily.

“No. I’m drawing you out no matter how much you resist,” he said right before he lifted me so I was straddling him, me on top of him before I even knew what was happening.

I put my hands out blindly, somehow making contact with his shoulders. I held on tightly, then realizing what I was doing I let go.

“Have at me, baby,” he teased. It was so silent that I heard him move back against his headboard as if waiting for the show to begin.

“T–that wasn’t part of our deal,” I said throatily, trying to take my mind off how good he felt underneath me. The most vulnerable part of me was pressed up against the virile heat of him. And his steel-like thighs were bunched underneath my much softer ones, the contrast making me feel all his unleashed power that he was holding in check.

And that was when it hit me. I wasn’t the only one taking a risk tonight, he was, too. He feared losing control and yet he was giving me all the power, giving me freedom to touch him, play with him, tease him. He was mine for the taking.

“Well, it is now,” he said unbendingly.

“Shut up,” I ordered. I didn’t want to waste time fighting when I’d likely never get this chance again. “Just shut up and kiss me,” I demanded shakily. When he made no move to comply I immediately rethought the whole bossy act and I backtracked. “I mean, I would kiss you myself but I’d probably knock you o—”

There was no warning when his mouth landed on mine and there was no gentleness, no pretense, just raw, primal, unrestrained passion. I was rusty not having kissed someone since Jaxson, and Jaxson was a mere novice in comparison, which meant I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

His mouth withdrew from mine, and I cringed knowing that my lack of experience was telling. “If you’re thinking, then I must not be doing it right,” Hendrik said sardonically.

“No,” I chuckled apprehensively. It was either that or cry, and I’d already filled up my quota of crying for the year. “It’s not you, I just, I don’t know if I’m doing it right.”

“Open your mouth wider for me this time and follow my lead,” he trained. Instead I did it my way and used my hands to trace his lips then nibbled on his lower lip, getting a feel for him, then a taste as I licked them slowly, gaining confidence. Having had enough he took the advantage and did it his way, each kiss hotter than the one before. Eventually, instead of following his lead I teased my tongue against his, holding my own against his devastating onslaught.

Then when I couldn’t stay still any longer, I moved my hips in the same way my mouth was moving against his, instinct creeping in, a slow, burning heat setting in at the friction. Marveling at the aftershocks of ignited pleasure, I did it again and moaned.

“Emerson,” Hendrik’s voice reached my ears from my lust haze as he took his mouth off mine, freeing me to do something else I’d also wanted to do. I slid my hands from his shoulders to his neck, and then pushed his head back. I bent mine and placed a kiss right underneath his jaw liking the feel of his stubble rasping against my lips.

He growled, and liking the sound, I did it again, but this time I continued to kiss down his throat then nipped at his collarbone.

“Emerson,” he repeated, then groaned as I licked and kissed my way farther down his body, loving how with each touch and taste I felt his body quiver and I felt him harden more under me.

The sparks of ignition developed into a raging inferno and the only way to get relief was to roll my hips faster, then when it wasn’t enough, when I couldn’t get to the height that I wanted, my hands slid down of their own accord and slid beneath his pants.

“No, Emerson, that’s enough,” Hendrik growled. I was too far gone to listen and even then I didn’t want to listen…all I wanted was relief, for the flames to subside. When I grazed him in my pursuit I heard a hiss of breath escape him, encouraging me further. But before I could, he took hold of my hands and drew them out of the danger zone and back into the safe zone.

The action was like ice water cascading down my spine making me realize what I had been doing in my lust-induced haze.

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” I gulped out, actually thankful for the blindfold so he couldn’t see how horrified I was with myself. I’d just basically assaulted him. Feeling mortified I went to unseat myself, to get up and lock myself in his bathroom—being the closest sanctuary in proximity—but his grip prevented me from moving even an inch.

I bucked against him but all that did was make us both hiss at the contact and I stopped immediately, worried he’d think I was attacking him again. One of his hands went to my head and drew down the blindfold, so that it fell down against my neck, branding me as the scarlet hussy that I was, and I could hide from him no longer.

His eyes were so dark I couldn’t see even a hint of green in his irises. His other hand came up and gently cradled my head, at odds with how rigidly tense he was.

“Stop it, Emerson, you did nothing wrong,” he requisitioned. “I mean it,” he said as I gave him a look of doubt. “There’s no shame in you grinding on me sending both of us out of our minds. But if you did that for a second longer I would have taken over and made you mine. Just don’t move, let the ache subside, because if you move even the tiniest bit, I’m going to lose it,” he rumbled.

“What if I said I wanted you to lose control, that I think I am ready,” I said shakily, still on fire. I was beyond tempted to resume where I’d left off but his scowl wasn’t encouraging.

“No, you aren’t,” he objected, even though his hands drifted down to clutch hard at my hips. It looked like his body and his mind were saying two different things so I decided to test him again.

“I think I am,” I persisted stubbornly. And now I was acting like some junkie desperate for a fix. Kill me!

This time he lifted me off him and got up, and I knew his mind had won the war. His two hands descended, one on each of my forearms, and he shook me softly. “I said you aren’t ready. It’s all good and fine to get off but when you come back down from soaring and your feet are back on the cold, hard ground, I don’t want you to blame me for pushing you too hard, too fast,” he defended stubbornly.

“Playing with my emotions, making me want you isn’t fair. How can you just turn it on and off like that?” I yelled, going on the offense. But mostly I was trying to hide my embarrassment. “I think I should leave, can you let me go? Now. Please.”

“You think you don’t make me want you just as much?”

“No, I don’t. I need to go,” I pressed again.

“Helvete!” he swore letting me go and pacing up and down like an enraged lion. “You haven’t told me much about what happened to you, Emerson, but I’m skilled at reading between the lines, at reading people,” he said.

I froze, not liking where this was going, “Hendrik,” I started then stopped as he jerked his head at me, with a forceful glare to be quiet. I bit my lip and let him at it, but like a toddler, I wanted to bury my body under his sheets with the cover over my head.

“You were hurt by someone, Emerson, someone put their hands on you, someone touched you without your consent,” he growled, his control broken like I’d never seen.

“The one thing that I cannot stand is violence against women and children. And someone hurt you,” he said brokenly. I went to get up to comfort him but he jerked back like he’d sensed what I was about to do. So instead I wrapped my arms around my stomach to make the sick feeling go away.

“I’m not a doctor, Emerson, I don’t know how to heal you. I don’t know what might set you off at any time,” he whispered.

“I don’t want a doctor, Hendrik, I just want you,” I said fiercely.

“I’m trying to work out what’s okay and what’s not. I want you to get a feel for what you like, I want you to set the pace, I want you to come apart in my arms with nothing but pleasure,” he continued as if he hadn’t heard me. “I almost lost control with you, Emerson, don’t you get it? I could have hurt you; I could have been too rough with you, made you too scared to ever want to try again,” he said with self-disgust.

I took a shaky breath in, unable to believe what he was saying. How could he think that he could ever hurt me? I couldn’t let him believe that. I wouldn’t.

I got up despite his threatening growl and walked toward him with slow but steady steps so as to not spook him, then placed one hand on his chest, right on top of where his heart was beating strongly and just a bit too fast. He looked down at me, the blood in his face drained, his burning green eyes too bright in his pale face.

I had the power to destroy him or save him, and the thought of hurting someone so hard but so dark yet full of light would be the equivalent of stripping the wings from an angel. And it made me angry, so angry.

“Hendrik Vasgård, don’t you dare even think for one second that you would have hurt me if you lost control. Wherever you would have led I would have followed, eagerly, and not because I would have been forced to, but because I wanted to,” I swore. “What just happened between us, what you made me feel . . .” I swallowed, unable to put it coherently in words.

He looked at me with hope, and so I tried a second time to explain. “You gave yourself to me freely and unconditionally. You let down your guard for me, and you stopped because you thought you were protecting me. How could you ever think that you’re a monster?”

He turned his head away, obviously too stubborn to believe me. I brought up both hands and turned his face back toward me. “I don’t know what you did in your past to make you think that you’re beyond redemption, but the man I see in front of me makes me question whether I’m worthy enough to even be in the same room as him.”

“Quit lying to me,” he barked out.

I shook my head. He didn’t get it and he didn’t want to, but maybe that was how I could repay him. “Remember what you said to me earlier tonight about drawing me out?”

He gave me a quizzical look that spoke volumes as to my lack of sanity.

“Well, I see you underneath all your darkness and I’m going to draw you out,” I smiled mischievously.

He looked down at my curved mouth, and my smile dropped. He was looking at me like he wanted to continue where we’d left off.

His head began to descend closer and closer until his lips were a breath away from mine. Giddy with wanton lust I waited for him to bridge the gap, but he didn’t. He paused, and right when he had me where he wanted, practically ready to swoon, he whispered, “Quit it, I know what you’re trying to do. You aren’t going anywhere. You’re staying the night. It’s past midnight. You take the bed; I’ll take the couch,” he ordered, and then took a step back.

“W–what?” I stuttered in confusion, feeling bereft and frustrated.

“You stay within the boundary of my bedroom, and the rest is my territory. Neither one of us crosses sides,” he said as if he was negotiating a peace treaty, except I’d be getting no peace tonight especially if we weren’t even in the same territory!

“Or we could sleep in the same bed, you stay on the left side and I’ll stay on the right side…no crossovers, no touching, we could even put pillows in between if you’re an active sleeper or have a tendency to spoon in your sleep,” I countered, unable to resist teasing him.

“Nice try, Älskling, but I think we shouldn’t test my restraint any further tonight. I think we both need a little space to cool off, you more than me, it seems. A cold shower might help, and conveniently enough the shower is on your side,” he suggested right before he closed his bedroom door, effectively signifying the commencement of the treaty. And needlessly leaving me aching unfulfilled and exasperated.

There was no way I was going to get any sleep tonight unless . . .

“Dammit,” I whispered to myself. I wished I had my soundproof aluminum casing door sweep for the bottom of the bathroom door to stop him from hearing the cold shower I was about to take.

NO, THAT COULDN’T be . . . I cocked my head to the side and listened properly . . . Yep, it was . . . Hearing the sound of the shower I got my pillow and smothered the sound of my laughter. And once it started it didn’t stop for a while.

I JOLTED AWAKE and groggily took out my vibrating phone from my pocket, groaning when I saw that it was none other than Deake Sentry calling me. Damn, the unorthodox hours he kept. He lived in the same city, not in another country, and he was calling me at three AM in the morning. I would be surprised to know if the man ever slept.

“What do you want?” I barked out.

“I’m downstairs, thought it was overdue for one of our meets. Don’t keep me waiting,” Deake replied right before he ended the call on me. I padded into my room, saw Emerson was sleeping quietly and grabbed some clothes and a pair of shoes and shrugged them on.

She would be fine while I quickly stepped out. Deake had kept me in the dark for too long, and while he had all the power, I refused to be a blind pawn any longer to his plans. I needed direction, and he was going to give it to me whether he wanted to or not.

I stepped into the lift and pressed the button for the basement level. I collected myself in the time it took me to get there; I couldn’t afford to lose my cool. Not with Deake Sentry who was the head of the FBI and a royal pain in my ass.

“Is that her file?” I asked, as soon as I saw him and the thick envelope he was holding.

“Yes,” Deake said, handing it over.

“Well, that will make my job a helluva lot easier,” I said, leaning back against the wall. “You only gave me her name, I didn’t even recognize who she was when I met her. And I couldn’t find anything on her lying around, not even in your server,” I remarked, feeling ill at ease about it all.

“That’s because I locked everything down,” Deake replied stepping more into the light. Although he sounded as if he didn’t have a care in the world, but his face didn’t say that at all. He had massive circles under his eyes, his hair was unkempt and his fancy hotshot clothes were wrinkled. If he was worried then, that definitely meant that I should be, too.

“You’ve implemented remarkably high security measures to prevent someone from accessing a harmless, stand-up citizen’s file,” I commented drily. “Don’t you think that’s a little bit unnecessary,” I derided, liking the flash of irritation on his face that followed my words.

He didn’t like my sarcasm…he wasn’t used to people checking his authority, but I wasn’t one of his blind followers. Emerson was fragile and vulnerable. I was trying to make sure I did no further damage to her but it was still a risk and I feared that if she knew that I was clocking her at the same time I was trying to heal her that she’d go off the deep end. And if I hurt her, I’d gotten so deeply involved with her that it would be the same as hurting myself.

“I do nothing without reason. I didn’t get to where I am by being stupid,” Deake retorted. “Once upon a time I had to take orders, but now I give them. Imagine my surprise when I found out not only had you already met her, but you’d also made your move on her. You’ve practically got her wrapped around your finger. You work fast, Vasgård, I’m impressed. I mean, I’m not happy you moved up the timeline, you’re only meant to move in at my request but I could do with some intel just right about now,” Deake replied smoothly.

“I’m afraid I don’t have anything to give you,” I said, folding my arms. “She doesn’t remember what happened to her, so unfortunately she isn’t going to be much help to your cause, which by the way, you have yet to fill me in on,” I said snidely.

“Yes, I know all about her mental condition, and she may be a dead end but I want you to keep working her on the side. Besides, I have something more important that I want you and your men working on,” he said, changing tack fast.

A burning ember of curiosity lit inside me. It seemed like my thirst for knowledge was about to be answered.

“Why me?” I inquired, trying to understand his motives.

“Because I want someone not in the spotlight, and you might be the Leverager but I know you won’t betray me because of the leverage that I have on you. And right now I need someone I can trust,” Deake replied while rubbing the back of his neck.

“You really need to quit throwing that fact in my face,” I growled, losing some of my calm. Usually no one got the drop on me, but he had. And for six months I’d been waiting quietly for him to tell me just what I had to do to get free from the debt that I owed him.

Deake took a step closer, trying to box me in, an FBI tactic if there ever was, trying to intimidate the opposition. And it was completely wasted on me.

“Or what? What are you going to do?” Deake threw at me. I kept my mouth shut because he was right, I couldn’t do anything to him that wouldn’t blow back on me.

“Exactly,” Deake said, noting my silence. “You can’t do anything to change your situation unless you cooperate. Look, I know I was out of line. I apologize. I was being a dick. All day I’ve had to deal with being the person who holds the burden of other people’s fears. People come to me for help to sort out their problems. I’ve got a problem of my own that I can’t solve alone. I wouldn’t be coming to you unless I needed your help.”

Finally, at least some honesty, while I wasn’t forty odd years old like Deake, I was twenty-three years old and I’d skilled myself in the art of deception and stealth. I didn’t just breathe it, I lived it, and it was part of me. I didn’t need Deake to kiss my ass, I just wanted to be treated on equal footing, and now that he had put away his pride I was willing to listen.

I nodded my head, and Deake stepped back, his features loosening up in relief.

“Okay then, lay it on me, no more keeping me in the dark. If we work together, we work as a team,” I said, getting down to business. “And I refuse to cross any red lines in the process. Moral ones, I will if needed, but nothing that can’t be taken back. Got it?”

Deake nodded back. “Got it. Okay, now listen carefully. In the past three months major shit has gone down. The public doesn’t have a clue about it but they feel it nonetheless. There’s dissension in the air, unease they might not know the reason why but it exists.”

“You’re talking about the uncertainty on the drug front after the hit that the Ichor cartel took, aren’t you?” I asked.

I didn’t put my head in the sand. If I saw a threat coming, I mobilized for it. I planned and I waited to see whether I needed to take the other side out if they posed a real risk to those I loved.

“Yes,” he answered, his body becoming tense, real tense in a way that had my own getting tense. I didn’t like this shit one bit. “Like I was saying, three months ago the FBI had worked out who was the drug lord of the organization. We were at the ready to take him out; we had someone—a trusted asset—working for us on in the inside. My men and I were stationed to ambush and catch the drug lord and a drug shipment worth billions in the process of it being transacted, but it blew up in our faces. My men were massacred, they lost their lives. I got hit myself but I recovered. My asset vanished but whether he betrayed us remains yet to be known. The drug shipment never showed up. It was a setup. It was all a cover for something that we never saw coming,” Deake spat out, livid with anger.

Shock spread through me. I hadn’t just been kept in the dark; I’d been iced out completely. “Wait just one minute. What are you saying? In the news we heard that while the FBI sustained casualties that night, you not only found the drug shipment you also took out Senator Caynes who was the drug lord of the Ichor cartel. The government then cleaned out its houses, the FBI, CIA, Senate Committee, Justice Department, everything. Everyone was checked out,” I said obstinately.

“It was all a lie, Hendrik,” Deake tore out in disgust. The President refused to take the hit to his pride. You know he’s running for re-election this year. It was all a front.”

“So, you’re telling me that it was a coup, that someone took over the organization and stole it out from under Senator Caynes, effectively ensuring the survivability of the Ichor cartel and it’s now under the leadership of some unknown person?” I asked with disbelief. As far as I knew, the Ichor cartel was out of commission. It had been quiet on the streets; the Valentijin mob was still in action on the drug front but I’d heard nothing about the Ichor cartel making its move just yet. I knew it would eventually remobilize but I had no idea that it was pretending to be out of action, which meant something big was happening.

“Exactly. And we don’t have Senator Caynes in custody, we never did. Senator Caynes isn’t alive any longer. His body was sent to the FBI in pieces. Packages from the Ichor cartel taunting us, letting us know that they were a step ahead of us the entire time. Whoever took over used our moves against us to get control of the Ichor cartel. I want to find out who the hell that person is and take them out—and with that person take out the Ichor cartel for good.”

“How are you going to find out who the new drug lord is?” I asked with barely concealed skepticism. If the whole of the FBI hadn’t been able to dismantle the Ichor cartel, then how the hell were we supposed to?

“We follow his drug trail,” Deake said as if it was that easy.

“What drug trail?”

“We know there’s a new drug circulating on the drug lord’s orders but it’s only being exclusively distributed to the highest bidders—the elite and the wealthy. It hasn’t filtered down to the masses yet. That drug shipment wasn’t just an ordinary shipment of drugs. It was a new experimental drug. And not just any drug, it wipes a person’s memory clean. For how long the effects last, we don’t know. Also, we know that within minutes it incapacitates the victim. That’s not even the worst part, the victim remains conscious and can hear and see what’s happening but can’t move.”

“Helvete,” I swore beginning to connect the dots. “Are you telling me that the reason you want me working on the side with Emerson Monsoon is because you believe that drug is the reason why she doesn’t know what happened to her?”

“I don’t just believe it, I know it. When she was taken to the hospital her tests showed the drug was in her system. She doesn’t know about it because the government hushed it up, but I’ve been keeping an eye out for it. It flagged in my system. If she remembers, maybe she could be a link in a much bigger chain. And at the end of that chain could be the drug lord.”

This wasn’t right. I knew using Emerson for my own gain wasn’t right from the beginning but now that I knew the reason why I had been given orders to get to know her, it definitely wasn’t right. She deserved to know the truth. And all of it.

“We have to let her know,” I said fiercely. “She has to know that the reason why she might never get her memory back is because she was drugged!” I roared.

“No, I’m sorry, Hendrik, but we can’t,” Deake said tentatively. “I know you’ve gotten close to her but you need to be objective. If you tell her then she’ll start asking questions and those questions could get her killed. She’s safer being kept in the dark and you know it. Not to mention, knowing would make her put extra pressure on herself to remember and could cause her to relapse. She’s been put through enough. Let her know once it’s safe, once we’ve dismantled the whole Ichor cartel and she has nothing to worry about,” he begged.

“If not telling her is the right thing to do, then why does it feel so wrong?” I asked.

“Hendrik, you and I aren’t like other people. We do the right thing even when it’s hard to do. We sacrifice ourselves; no, we kill ourselves even at the risk of eradicating whatever little light is left within us so that others can sleep well at night. I get that you don’t want to lie to her anymore but that’s for your sake and not hers. If you need to destroy whatever you have with her if it means keeping her safe, then isn’t it worth it?”

“When you put it like that you don’t leave me with much of a choice,” I quipped, looking away as I gritted my teeth. I felt Emerson’s branding touch right above my heartburn. I rubbed at it but it refused to go away.

“If you need me to be the bad guy then I’ll be him,” Deake said trying to give me an out, giving his consent to be the person I could lay the blame on for when I told Emerson the truth. But I couldn’t let him be the fall guy.

“No,” I said shaking my head. “I’m not the kind of guy who lets others take the blame. I’ll do this, not for me or for you, but for her,” I emphasized looking him dead in the eye so he’d have no doubt that I meant what I was saying.

“Thank y—”

“No, save it,” I barked. “Especially when you don’t mean it, you just want me to do what you want. You don’t get to be sorry and contrite or thankful. As far as I’m concerned, after this we will be done, for good. And you will deliver on what you promised.”

“I will. I swear it. Before you go there’s something else I need you to do,” Deake said with a hint of nervousness, which meant I wasn’t going to like it.

“You’re on very thin fucking ice, Deake,” I warned.

“Then I won’t beat around the bush, I’ll just say it. I want you to talk with Nikolai Valentijin to find out what he knows. The way I see it, he has two moves. He either both declares war against the Ichor cartel and takes out his competition, or he forms an alliance with them. If he does the second, then the Ichor cartel will be unstoppable. And we’ll have no choice other than to take the Valentijin mob out.”

“I don’t have ties to the Valentijin mob,” I denied point blank.

“Oh, yes, you do, Mikhail is your tie. I know he’s one of your men. If you won’t help me I’ll ask him to on your behalf and I’m sure he’d do anything to help you, even have a little family reunion. But then you might want to prevent that because that would be putting his life in danger,” Deake said, playing hardball.

“Dra åt helvete! In my native tongue, that means screw you,” I translated.

Deake put both his hands out, trying to placate me, and then I realized he had reason to. I wasn’t just angry I was shaking so hard, I was about to go thermonuclear.

“I’m sorry, Hendrik, but my men were killed. What would you do if your men were shot in front of you on your watch? I watched them bleed to death while I bled myself, and all I could do was call dispatch and wait. And by then it was too late for most of them. So, I want every goddamn lead run into the ground until I know who was responsible for their deaths. This is so much bigger than you or me; this is about stopping this new drug from circulating, from stopping the harm that it could cause. Yes, this is about revenge and justice but it’s also for the greater good, too. Now, do I have your full and complete cooperation?”

I thought about what I would do if Sev, Jarek, or Mikhail were hurt and I knew that, without a doubt, I’d wage war from the shadows so that my enemies would never see me coming. I didn’t know Deake’s men, but he deserved to have the closure of finding his men’s killers, at the very least.

“Fine, I’ll do it, but I want my men shielded from this as much as possible. You don’t get to manipulate them to get them to help me. I won’t let them get hurt on my account.”

Deake smiled a wicked, devilish smile that got my back up. I was just thankful that it wasn’t for me because it was the look of a man who was imagining his enemies’ blood on his hands.

“I’m glad we’re on the same page and, yes, your message is crystal clear. I only communicate to your men through you.”

I exhaled, glad we’d gotten the heavy stuff out of the way. I turned and began to make my way back to the elevator when I felt Deake’s arm touch my shoulder.

“One more thing, Hendrik,” he said.

“You’re one of those guys, aren’t you?” I laughed bitterly.

“What guys?” Deake asked with genuine interest.

“Who tries to get as much use out of someone as possible. Opportunistic. And unbelievably single-minded,” I listed.

“Trust me when I say I feel like I’m trying to squeeze blood out of a stone when it comes to getting your help.”

“Well, you said you needed my help, not that I had to be spectacularly forthcoming with it,” I pointed out.

Deake chuckled. “All I wanted to say is that I’m running this sting operation on the sideline. It hasn’t been sanctioned by the President and only my inner circle know about it, and now you and once you fill in your men so will they.”

“If there are any leaks, it won’t be from my side,” I responded.

“Good. Then there’s nothing to stop this from working out. Let me know how your talk with Nikolai goes,” Deake said as he released me.

Yep, I was right, he wanted justice and he wasn’t going to stop till he got it. And I was going to help him get it, because although our goals were disparate, achieving his would help me achieve mine.

KATIA WAS ASLEEP in her bed, writhing from side to side, her body fighting some unknown predator. “Please . . . no . . . don’t . . . don’t . . . God, it hurts!” she cried, tears dropping down onto her cheeks.

I tried to console her but it was like I was a ghost. She couldn’t hear me and when I tried to wrap her in my arms my hand just went right through, unable to grasp hold of her solid form.

“Emerson,” I heard a male voice whisper in panic.

I ignored it. Katia needed me; I just had to figure out how to help her.

“Emerson!” the voice yelled louder. I felt myself being pulled away, closer toward it and farther away from Katia.

“Katia, I’m sorry I can’t stay for much longer, but you need to wake up,” I begged.

“Hey, Emerson, are you with me?” I heard Hendrik’s voice ask. My eyes opened and I saw that I was covered in sweat and I was in Hendrik’s arms.

“I couldn’t help her,” I whispered forlornly. No matter how hard I tried in my dreams, I always failed to help her. I thought when I said goodbye to her at her funeral that I’d found peace, but it seemed like her ghost was haunting me. Like she was trying to speak to me but we were always on two different frequencies.

“Emerson, can you focus, I need you to answer this question for me. It’s really important. Who is Katia?” Hendrik asked as he rubbed some warmth back into my body.

“Katia was my friend,” I replied through chattered teeth.

“Fuck,” I heard Hendrik swear in English for the first time.

“What is it?” I asked, searching his face to see what was wrong.

“Was her last name Smith?”

How did he know that?

I nodded my head.

“This is unbelievable,” Hendrik murmured, more to himself than me.

“How do you know about her?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.

“Did you know that I am a silent partner of Grigoriy Chambers, a criminal law firm?” Hendrik inquired.

“No. But what does that have to do with anything?” Hendrik closed his eyes and a small shiver wracked his frame.

“I operate as a silent business partner. I deal with the detective side of work, and the other business partner is my friend, Alexei, who is the acting criminal lawyer. The reason why I know who Katia Smith is is because he is currently representing her alleged assaulter,” Hendrik said.

He was looking at me like he was trying to gauge what I was thinking, but I didn’t know what to think. He couldn’t be serious, could he?

“Are you . . . Are you joking?” I asked, sitting up straighter, looking him right in the eyes.

He took a deep breath and let it out. I’d never seen him nervous, not until now. “I wish I was, Emerson.”

I got up off his lap and got my things, thankful he didn’t try to stop me. I couldn’t be here. I needed to leave.

“Where are you going, Emerson? We need to talk this out. I didn’t know she was your friend until just now.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t be around someone who’s representing the person who raped and assaulted my friend,” I yelled back.

“He didn’t do it,” Hendrik said, so confidently it had me pausing.

“Do you know that without a doubt?” I asked, praying he did.

“He has an alibi but he can’t step forward or he’ll be putting his family at risk,” Hendrik replied.

“That’s not good enough to convince me. I can’t be here, I have to go,” I said as I headed to his lift.

“It’s four in the morning, I know you don’t want to be near me but at least let Emelius take you to your dorm room. Be reasonable, it’s either that or I follow you back to Thorne University,” Hendrik said, unbendingly.

What was I doing? God, I needed to get a grip on myself. The idea of walking back to my dorm room was just stupid. So, I decided to give into his request.

“Thank you, please ask Emelius to take me home,” I replied stiffly, and got into the elevator.

“You’re running away, Emerson, I thought you said you were going to stop doing that,” Hendrik fired back but still kept his distance.

“You just dropped this on me out of nowhere, Hendrik! I’m not angry with you, I just need to go home. This place was meant to be safe, but I don’t feel safe anymore. I need to go home,” I repeated.

“To your dorm room?”

“No. I need quiet, I’m going to go back to my dad.” I needed his awkward solace, his reserved strength; I needed some semblance of normalcy to keep myself from losing the tight lid of my control.

“I’ll ask Emelius to take you there. He’s yours for however long you need him. And, Emerson, I’ll be here when you get back. I might be letting you go now, but I’m not releasing you from our agreement,” Hendrik said right before the doors closed.

I leaned back against the metal wall and tightly held the railing behind me for support. I was going to go home, and I didn’t know if I could keep the promise I’d made to Hendrik because right now I wasn’t sure that once I got home that I’d ever come back.

EMELIUS WAS WAITING for me outside. I just needed to grab a couple of things from my dorm room before I left. I stopped at my door and brought out my card key, but as I looked at Laurina’s door opposite mine, I paused.

I took in a deep, hitched breath, failing to keep my control, and out of nowhere, I broke down. I went to her door and banged on it like a crazy woman.

“You must have a death wish,” Laurina threatened as she opened the door and I all but fell inside.

“What . . . Emerson . . . What happened?” Laurina asked in panic, taking note of my tears. Her hand moved to go around me but I took a step back to stop it from happening.

“No, please don’t touch me right now,” I urged.

Laurina’s eyes grew wider and her mouth fell open, but her hand dropped down which I was grateful for.

“I’m . . . I’m leaving. I thought I s–should let you know,” I shared between sobs.

“I don’t understand, Emerson. Slow down. Take a deep breath for me,” she insisted and when I had, she asked, “Where are you going?”

“Home,” I answered in one word.

“Did someone hurt you? Was it your mystery guy?” Laurina interrogated. “Because if it was, I’ll kill him!” she swore with a cracked look in her eyes.

I shook my head so hard it made me dizzy.

“Baby, what’s going on?” I heard Lukas ask, and then realized he was lying in Laurina’s bed.

“God, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to barge in here like this…you must think I’m crazy,” I said heading toward the door but Laurina blocked my exit.

“No, you aren’t going anywhere!” Laurina whispered fiercely then to Lukas she said, “I don’t know, she hasn’t told me yet!”

“Come here,” Lukas ordered her, “I wanna speak with you.”

Laurina threw him a glare, but when he wouldn’t stand down she gave in.

“Alright, fine, Emerson, give me one second. Don’t you dare move!” she commanded.

“I won’t,” I croaked out even though I really, really wanted to. I tried not to listen in on their whispered conversation but I couldn’t help but overhear Lukas whisper, “she’s acting like a loose cannon.”

And I definitely couldn’t ignore Laurina not whispering back, “She’s my friend!” Then the conversation grew more heated. And I didn’t say anything. I just stood there like I’d promised. Eventually Lukas backed down, but he didn’t look happy.

Laurina stomped back to me like a woman on a mission and I knew I was in trouble.

“Ignore him. Now please take a seat and let me know what’s wrong because you’re really scaring me!”

I took a seat, even though I wanted to run because of the heat of the shade that Lukas was throwing my way…but Laurina was much scarier than him.

Then, like the walls of a dam caving in, I broke. “I found something out about my friend. Remember how I said that I lost a friend who would have liked you very much?”

“Yeah, she must have been one special friend,” Laurina smiled sweetly.

“She committed suicide,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. “Someone hurt her . . . And when her memories came back she couldn’t take it anymore,” I said brokenly. “I should have known she would try and take her own life. I should have stopped her!” I sobbed, bringing my hands to my mouth not wanting Laurina to see me like this.

“Emerson . . .” Laurina started, and then stopped. I didn’t breathe or move, just waited to see how she’d take it.

“I’m so sorry. I might not know everything about you but I know without a doubt that it couldn’t have been your fault. And the one thing I’ve learned from losing my dad is that wondering about the what if gets you nowhere. I used to ask myself what if I’d stopped him from getting on the plane? What if I’d told him that I didn’t want him to leave? And it changes nothing. The outcome is always the same, he’s gone and I’m still living,” she whispered with tears in her eyes.

I exhaled in relief. She hadn’t kicked me out. I couldn’t believe it.

Lukas looked scared, as if he feared that she was going to fall apart, and I knew that without a doubt, he’d blame me. “Laurina, you don’t need this right now, not when you’re just beginning to get better. She could undo everything. I think she should leave,” he urged like I couldn’t hear him

“No, Emerson needs me right now. I don’t turn my back on my friends,” Laurina replied, wiping the tears from her eyes. Then she closed her eyes. “Lukas, just leave, you aren’t helping,” she bit out.

“Laurina, she isn’t good for you,” Lukas tried again.

“Please, Lukas, just leave. We can have this discussion later. And by discussion, I mean you apologizing for your attitude. I know you care about me but you can’t protect me from everything and everyone. Besides, it’s making you a jackass,” Laurina criticized.

I looked away as Lukas silently got his things and then got out, the door banging in his wake.

“You’re right, he was being a jackass,” I commented drily trying to break the awkward silence.

Laurina looked at me in shock and then burst out laughing, and I joined not long after.

Once we’d both sobered up I decided that I was going to go for full disclosure. I didn’t want to hold things back from her anymore.

“There’s more I have to tell you,” I said.

Laurina held my eyes, not flinching or showing any fear, and without a doubt I knew she would be strong enough to bear my burden. “Tell me everything,” she said, getting comfortable.

And with Lukas gone I told her about what had just happened with Hendrik, even what had happened to me. I told her everything.

After we’d both cried and eventually pulled ourselves back together, Laurina had helped me pack my necessities and was now walking me to Emelius’s car.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Laurina asked again for about the thousandth time.

“No, I’ll be fine, I promise,” I laughed.

I nodded to Emelius to stay in the car knowing Laurina would have a field day if he got out to open the door for me. He shook his head but stayed inside, nonetheless.

I opened my own door and slid inside. Laurina peeked inside and sent me a warm smile. “Look, I’m not going to get all sappy and teary again as there’s no need for goodbyes because I know you’ll be back here after the weekend is up. You’re spooked and you have reason to be, but you’re strong, Emerson. Collect yourself then come back here. And if you need me, let me know, okay?”

“I will. Thanks, Laurina.”

She closed the door and trotted away like she was walking the runway. Right now I was headed in the opposite direction, and I couldn’t wait to get home. I’d run away from it before but now I was running back to it. I just hoped my dad would be welcoming me back with open arms, just like he’d promised.

HENDRIK HAD FILLED me in on who the witness was last night, which left Ethan without much of a leg to stand on. I was standing outside the Justice Department ready to blindside Gabriel Hunter. I wanted to get a feel for him, to see if he was in on it. Did he do what he had to do to make a case, like threaten Felix Ulrich to lie on the stand? Or was he one of the good guys who genuinely believed in Ethan’s guilt?

I went through the security protocol to get access inside and got past the dragon lady at the front desk unharmed, allowing me to maintain the element of surprise only because she’d been my old secretary. And before I dropped in to see Hunter, I just wanted to check and see if someone I had used to work with was still around.

I walked past Barton’s cubicle and saw that, unlike me, he hadn’t tried to make a go of being a lawyer on his own. He was at his desk; head down with his stash of chocolates out in the open, which meant his case wasn’t going well.

“Working hard as always, Barton? Besides me you were the only other good associate,” I opened.

Barton’s head went up and he turned very, very slowly. “Well, well, if it isn’t Alexei Grigoriy! I thought you’d moved onto bigger and better things,” he crowed.

“I have but I like to come back to my roots, it keeps me honest,” I threw back with a smile. Then doing away with formalities I took a step forward and clapped him on the back. “How are you doing, Barton?”

“Good, still in love with my wife, still working here. I haven’t changed a bit. I know you’re not here to see me, though. You want me to be an informant, don’t you? Who are you going up against in the JD? There’s been a lot of changes since you left,” he shared.

“You know me too well. My opposition is Gabriel Hunter. What’s your take on him?” I asked.

Barton gave me a gleaming look. “He’s just as good as you. He hasn’t lost a single case since he’s been here. He does everything by the book and he defends his clients with a passion. And he’s as good as a man can be. One of the men had a gambling problem and he loaned him the money him and his wife needed to stop the loan sharks from going after them. But when it comes to criminals, he shows them no mercy. I don’t envy you. I’m interested to see out of the two of you who comes out on top!”

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” I replied not counting myself out just yet, despite his glowing recommendation of Hunter’s character.

“Barton,” a gravelly male voice intruded from behind me, “I need you to take a look into someone for me, take a look at their assets, outstanding loans, do the works. I want you to see if you can find any financial motive.”

“It looks like Gabriel Hunter found you before you could find him,” Barton whispered to me smugly. Then he replied louder, “Sure, boss, but first, there’s someone waiting to meet you.”

“No introduction needed, I know who he is, Alexei Grigoriy from Grigoriy Chambers,” Hunter said, stepping out from behind me. “To what do I owe this unprecedented meeting?”

I took him in, noting the expensive suit, tie, watch, and shoes. Not a thing was out of place, not even his hair. His eyes were shrewd, assessing, calculating as he sized me up in turn.

“I wanted to talk to you, off the record, regarding Ethan Vasco, my client,” I responded.

“I never would have guessed. I’ve heard about your track record working here defending the innocent, the hurt, the victimized, putting away the bad guys, and now you’re defending one,” Hunter said scathingly.

I took the hit with grace although I would have rather punched him in the face, Hendrik style.

“Would you like to lead the way to a more private place that we can discuss this? If not, I’d be happy to since, like you said, I used to work here and I know my way around very, very well,” I replied diplomatically.

“You’re right, Barton, he does have a sense of humor,” Hunter commented. Noting the questioning look I sent to Barton, Hunter chuckled. “I know what you were doing out here with Barton, you were scoping me out. Did you really think I hadn’t already done the same?” Hunter quipped.

“Working both sides, Barton? Since when did you become a double agent?” I laughed.

“I just wanted to make this a fair fight, but from now on I’m Switzerland, I promise,” Barton swore, putting both hands up.

“Barton’s already had enough of a laugh at both of our expenses. As the injured parties we should both go off and nurse our wounds with some hard liquor but I haven’t got any of that laying around here. The only other alternatives I can offer is coffee that tastes like dishwater or hot tea,” Hunter offered as he led me to a free room.

“No refreshment needed, I had coffee on my way here, thanks,” I rebuffed.

“Wise choice. Now if you’re here to ask about the best deal I can give Ethan Vasco, then I’m afraid you’ve wasted your time because there’s no deal on the table for him,” Hunter opened, going for the cut your opponent at the knees tactic.

I leaned forward in my chair and decided to ask him the hard questions first. “Tell me, Hunter, do you care only about maintaining your track record or about catching the person who really hurt Katia Smith? Because I’m telling you now, Ethan Vasco didn’t do it and that you need to redirect you attention and resources to find out who really did.”

“Is that all you’re giving me? Just your word?” Hunter laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’m sorry, Alexei, but a girl was raped and assaulted. Two months later she committed suicide because of it. I know that Ethan is the guy who did it and I’m not backing down unless you can give me foolproof evidence to the contrary. Your word isn’t going to cut it. Katia Smith isn’t here to get justice for herself, so I intend on getting it for her. And just so you know, I don’t give a damn about my track record, I don’t care how it looks on me. If it came down to it, and Ethan wasn’t the guy, I’d own up to it. I’m not in this profession for the glory I’m in it to put away criminals like Vasco. I’m going to make sure that when he goes back to jail that there’s not a chance in hell that he will ever come out alive. Now, if all you came here to do was to undermine me, then I think we’re done,” Hunter barked out as he stood.

I stood, too. “I did come here to understand your motives, but more importantly, I came here because my client is innocent. I don’t have pride when it comes to defending my clients; I exercise and exhaust every option possible. I came here to level with you, but your mind is already made up. So, yes, I guess we are done here. I’ll see you in court, and don’t worry, I know the way out,” I added.

When I got outside I took a deep breath in, then out. I’d never let Hendrik know that ninety-nine percent of the time I struggled to maintain my control. I was supposed to be the calm and unruffled one. He lit fires and wreaked havoc and I extinguished the flames of suspicion engulfing my clients.

I needed Hendrik to find another way to prove Ethan’s innocence. I could do my part in court, but without physical proof, Hunter was right, all I had were words. And they wouldn’t be enough, especially not when Ethan was a repeat offender. He’d hurt two women, and while I agreed with Hendrik that he was a sad excuse for a human being, in this instance he was innocent. It wasn’t my job to judge, convict, and sentence, only to defend, and I intended on defending Ethan to the best of my abilities.

“MY HOUSE IS the one on the left. Thanks for driving me home, Emelius, I really appreciate it,” I said as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“We aren’t stationary yet, Miss Monsoon,” Emelius voiced sternly.

“You’re going less than five miles an hour,” I argued. “Alright, fine, I won’t do it again,” I conceded as he clicked the locks, effectively preventing me from exiting the car.

He unlocked the car wordlessly, too easy.

“I’ll be waiting for you here,” Emelius told me as I got out.

“What? No, that won’t be necessary,” I said, while I got my bag.

“Mr. Vasgård told me to stay with you and drive you wherever you need. That means to your home and back to your dorm room, Miss Monsoon,” he stressed.

Dammit! Hendrik had assigned him to also spy on me to ensure that I came back to him. He was smooth as hell, I had to give him that, and technically he was giving me space so I couldn’t be too angry with him.

“Fine, but I might be awhile, and by awhile I mean you might not see me for the rest of the weekend,” I warned.

“That’s fine. I can wait,” Emelius said calmly, making me frustrated.

“There’s a hotel a couple blocks over,” I said, caving in. As much as I didn’t want him tailing me, I couldn’t let him sleep in his car.

“Oh, I know, but I’m good here,” Emelius said, flashing me a smug smile. He had totally played me! My mouth opened and closed but instead of replying I chose silence. I couldn’t beat him at his own game…he was just too good with words. Like Hendrik!

I closed the door very gently so he wouldn’t think I was annoyed, even though I was, and made my way to my front door. My dad’s car was in the driveway, which meant the chances of him being home were pretty high.

I rang the doorbell and waited very impatiently for the door to open, but when it did it wasn’t my dad who let me in. It was Marie.

“You must be Emerson,” she said with a lovely smile. I tried to return it but whatever semblance of a smile I’d conjured up vanished as I saw she was sporting a ring on her engagement finger. No way!

“Oh, God, you weren’t supposed to find out like this!” she cried out, seeing the reason why I’d turned to stone. “Please, come in, I mean, you don’t need me to tell you to do that, this is your home,” she corrected worriedly. “Henry, I mean your dad’s at the stove cooking some eggs and bacon,” she directed.

I swallowed and made my way there without a moment’s hesitation. My dad had promised me that there wouldn’t be any more secrets between us. His failure to notify me of his commitment of impending marriage to Marie felt like a betrayal of epic proportions.

“Marie, who is it?” my dad asked, his back turned to me while he was busy working at the stove.

“It’s your daughter, you know the one you kept in the dark about your engagement,” I spat out poisonously.

The spatula he was holding fell to the floor as he turned to face me, his face ash white.

“Honey, you should sit down,” Marie suggested from behind me.

I didn’t know whom she was talking to, my Dad or me, but I didn’t care because this was between the two of us.

“Emerson,” my dad said weakly, ignoring Marie.

“Why didn’t you tell me about it?” I asked shakily, the anger fading away and all that was left was disappointment and hurt.

When he didn’t respond, Marie stepped in. “Your father was worried about your health.” She took his hand in hers and clutched it hard. “He said you were doing so well he didn’t want you to relapse, that when the time was right that we would let you know together.”

“You told her about what happened to me?” I gasped out painfully. I felt for the bench behind me and when I found it I fell back against it. “How could you?”

“She’s pregnant with my child,” my dad whispered like it was an answer to my questions.

I looked down at Marie’s stomach but didn’t see any roundness.

“I’m only eleven weeks along. We were waiting another week to be in the clear before we started telling people,” Marie responded, cradling her belly.

“I . . . uh . . . I just came here to pick up some clothes, I . . . uh, didn’t take enough with me to college,” I covered up. My throat was closing up and my hands were beginning to shake. “Excuse me,” I whispered as I pushed past them both and ran to my room.

“Shit!” I swore. “Crap. Shit. Crap,” I muttered on repeat as I kept on dropping things in my haste to pretend that I’d come back for more stuff. I was shoving things in my bag but they weren’t fitting in.

And then my dad was there; helping me put the things in, bent down on the floor beside me.

“I’m sorry, Emerson, I didn’t mean to lie to you,” he whispered.

“That’s bullshit!” I swore.

“Excuse me?” my dad threw back at me in shock.

“The last time you lied to me, I understood. I was a mess and you didn’t want to introduce me to Marie because you were worried I’d ask you to give her up. But I didn’t. I supported you. I told you I wanted you to be happy. You let me go so I could be free and I did the same for you. But when I did that I never relieved you from the duty of being my dad or the promises you’d made to me as my dad. We had a breakthrough and you promised we’d be good no matter what. I come back and you’ve made this whole new life without me, but it’s not just that you haven’t even made space for me in it,” I cried. “You lied because you didn’t want me to know, not because of my sickness. So don’t you dare use that as an excuse,” I said as I wiped at my tears.

“It all happened so fast. I didn’t know how to tell you!” he replied with panic. “How can you think that I don’t want you in my life?”

“No, don’t you make this about me being crazy and psychotic. I’m not, dammit! I wouldn’t have cared about any of this if you had just been honest with me. I would have been happy for you!” Instead, I felt the lie like a knife to my chest, and inside I was bleeding, and the pain was much worse than when I’d woken up in the hospital, bruised and bloody.

“I don’t understand why you would lie. I’m getting better, I promise,” I yelled. “I’m doing so much better. I’m going to college trying to become a social worker so I can help people who have been hurt like me, but it seems like no matter what I do it isn’t good enough. What am I doing wrong, Dad?”

“Nothing, Emerson, you aren’t doing anything wrong. I’m not lying I swear. You have to believe me,” he begged.

“How can I trust that what you’re saying is true?” I asked. I wanted to believe him but how could I?

“Stop, please, you’re tearing each other apart,” Marie pleaded, stepping into the room. The temptation to tell her to get out, that our fight wasn’t any of her business, was strong but I held back. Just.

“Marie, it’s okay, I’ve got this,” my dad said firmly.

“No, this is all my fault. Emerson, I lied just now, when you came in. I told your father not to say anything to you until I was ready. He’s just protecting me because that’s what your father does. He does anything for the people he loves, and I used that very trait against him. I felt threatened by you, Emerson,” she admitted.

How could she? She was beautiful, bright, and she made my dad happy. Lately I’d been doing the exact opposite.

“I’m not explaining myself very well, am I?” she sighed. “I’m the outsider coming into your family of two. I didn’t know how to deal with you, how to talk to you, or how you’d feel about me, so every time Henry brought up the issue of telling you about us I put it off time and time again. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but please don’t blame him. It’s not his fault.”

“Is she telling the truth, Dad?” I asked, needing to hear it from him.

“Yes. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to choose between the two of you, but every time I didn’t push harder to understand why she didn’t feel comfortable talking about you, I chose her over you. And I’m sorry, more sorry than you can ever know,” he got out shakily. His eyes were rimmed red and I saw he was struggling not to cry.

I had two choices, I could leave now and possibly lose a dad or I could suck it up and heal the breach between us and forgive Marie.

Hating Marie would be easy, but I could understand why she had reservations about me. When I had first seen her with my dad I’d been jealous of her on sight. How could I blame her for feeling the same way about me?

I didn’t know how to heal us, to apologize for losing it before I’d given either of them a chance to explain, so instead I thought I’d show it. I stretched out my right arm and it began to shake but still I persisted. Mind over matter I thought to myself. Deep down I trusted my dad just like I trusted Hendrik.

I was almost there. I wrapped my fingers around my dad’s left hand and gave him a quick squeeze then went to release him but his grip tightened and wouldn’t let go.

“How are you . . . How can you . . .” my dad sobbed, breaking down. It took all my concentration but I held on until he’d stopped crying. And when he finally let go, I sighed in relief.

My ability to trust had been ruptured when I had been attacked and with it my faith in the goodness of humanity had taken a hit. Touching another person is a privilege and it had been one that I had kept solely to myself for fear I’d be hurt again. Hendrik had made me see that touch was pleasure, it was consoling, it was healing, and while I wasn’t fully cured yet, I was getting there.

“Thank you, for letting me hold on,” my dad muttered.

“You held onto me when I woke up in the hospital,” I replied.

“And you went into shock. You flinched away from me then, but not now,” he smiled, a small smile full of hope.

I smiled back.

“Um, you weren’t just dropping in, were you, Emerson?” Marie asked tentatively, out of nowhere.

I ducked my head, embarrassed with myself. “No, I was planning on staying the weekend,” I admitted shyly.

“Good,” she said brightly. “How about we start over? I make a killer French toast. Do you like French toast? We can’t have eggs and bacon, they’re probably stone cold by now,” she rambled and I could tell she was as nervous as I was.

“Emerson loves French toast,” my dad answered for me, and it was his awkward way of telling me he wanted me to stay, and asking me to give Marie a chance because we were both important to him. And I owed it to him and myself to try.

“Yeah, I do,” I confirmed, and saw I made the right decision when Marie smiled in relief, then turned and left, no doubt hurrying off to the kitchen.

“She’s nice,” I said, voicing my approval.

“Yeah, she is,” my dad said back. I couldn’t see him but I could hear him smiling.

THE REST OF the weekend went really well, awkward, but well. I got to know Marie and she got to know me and we learned that neither of us had anything to fear from the other. After all, my dad had enough love to go all around for the both of us. I mean, the three of us I corrected, remembering that they had a baby on the way.

At night I’d sneaked out and slept at a motel and returned each morning before they both woke up, and poor Emelius had escorted me at all times.

I’d also told my dad that I was going to reconnect with Cressida, and he’d grimaced, and told me to be careful. I said I would. And when he’d asked about Emelius I’d told him he didn’t want to know. Although he’d given me a funny look he’d left it well alone.

“We’re here,” Emelius said, coming to a halt.

I looked out and saw that while I’d been consumed by my thoughts he had driven us to our destination.

“Thanks, I won’t be long,” I said, clutching the bunch of yellow daisies in my hand as I got out.

The cemetery was enshrouded by fog that compromised my ability to see, but Katia’s grave wasn’t too far from me. I zipped my jacket all the way up one handed and walked past a row of graves wishing I had no reason to be here.

I stopped in my tracks when I saw that someone was on their knees in front of Katia’s grave. My heart froze for a second then sped up at an alarming rate. The person’s head was bent, and the crying wail that emerged from the person was so full of torment that I would do anything to make it stop.

“Are you okay?” I asked, taking a couple steps closer. As I did I noticed that the figure hunched over was a woman. Her shoulders were shaking, but at my voice she froze. Her head then bopped up and she turned toward me.

I swallowed. I had to be imagining things. “K–Katia, is that you?” I stuttered out. I knew how stupid I sounded, but she looked exactly like her. It was either her or I was having a hallucination.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“What are you sorry for?” I asked as I tried to take another step quietly forward to get a closer look at her, but I accidentally stepped on a twig, the sound echoing in the vast silence.

The girl jumped, coming out of whatever stupor she was in and when her eyes latched onto mine I saw how wildly scared she was.

“No, please, don’t go,” I said quickly. “I’m not going to hurt you, I just want to talk.” She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t move so I decided to take another step forward but it must have been one step too close because all of a sudden she made a run for it.

I dropped the flowers at my feet and decided to follow after her.

“Please, stop,” I yelled as I ran faster, slowly but steadily gaining speed. Then, all of a sudden, she disappeared behind a cloud of fog but I took a chance and decided to follow her into it.

Although I couldn’t see, I could hear her just ahead of me. I was almost on her. I was ready to take a jump at her when, all of a sudden, I found myself falling forward, tripping over something. I tried to use the momentum to make a grab for her, but I missed, latching onto her by mere inches.

My hands made contact with the cold, hard ground instead and all the breath from my body left me in a whoosh.

I had to get back up. Fast. But when I tried to I groaned as my ankle throbbed in protest and I stayed where I was.

“Dammit,” I cursed, knowing that the girl was long gone by now. I used the gravestone beside me as leverage to pull myself up, hoping I wasn’t disturbing the resting dead below. I think I had only twisted my ankle, but I could feel it swelling in my boot already.

I sighed unsteadily, and then doubled over and laughed because I’d just run through a graveyard like some crazy psycho after someone I thought was my dead best friend. Then the laughter turned into sobbing and I felt myself wildly spinning out of control.

I could use my medication right about now. Instead, I opted for a more drastic measure. I stomped down hard on my ankle, using the pain to ground me, the throbbing so intense I sobered up immediately.

My head swam and I bent it to try and stave off the dizziness. It would pass, I just needed to breathe and wait it out.

“Miss Monsoon!” I heard Emelius call worriedly from somewhere behind me. Seems like I’d taken longer than normal.

“I’m over here,” I yelled, unable to give him my exact coordinates but he didn’t have any trouble finding me, I noted, as he emerged from the fog behind me.

“What did you do?” Emelius interrogated, as he bent down to examine my foot, quick to notice my new injury.

“I had a bit of a fall. Don’t worry, my foot will be fine, I just sprained it,” I insisted.

“Mr. Vasgård didn’t inform me that you needed assistance with walking, too,” he mocked as he stood back up to his full height then pulled my arm across his shoulders.

I leaned into him gratefully, even though he was annoying me yet again. “Hendrik,” I emphasized knowing he hated him being referred to as anything other than Mr. Vasgård, “Is not very forthcoming with the truth, he likes his secrets.”

Maybe I was still slightly nursing a bit of a grudge about his firm representing Katia’s assaulter. It wasn’t exactly his fault. He couldn’t turn away clients, but the thought of his client walking away free didn’t rest well with me, not one bit.

“If Mr. Vasgård is keeping secrets from me or you, it’s to protect us. It’s what he does best,” Emelius said, noting my resentful expression.

“I never asked him to protect me,” I mumbled as we began to walk.

“It’s not a curse, Miss Monsoon, it’s a blessing. You can’t see it now, but you will in time. As infallible as he seems, he isn’t, and he needs someone to protect him, in turn, so why don’t you pay him back in that way so you’re even?” Emelius suggested nonchalantly.

“That’s easier said than done, I don’t know where he goes when he’s not with me,” I pointed out.

Emelius looked at me with frustration, “I’m not talking about protecting him in the physical sense. I mean protecting him from himself. He’s his own worst enemy.”

“Yes, he is,” I agreed. “His doubts feed on his insecurities. I can try and wage war against them on that front, at least.”

“Good,” Emelius exhaled.

“Wait, one second,” I said as I picked up the yellow daisies I’d dropped and placed them on Katia’s grave. I gripped the edge of the stone tightly even though I was looking up into the sky, wanting to make sure she heard me wherever she was.

Emelius took a couple steps back, giving me some distance.

“Katia, I never thought I’d hate your silence, most of the time when you were talking I couldn’t get a word in and wanted you to stop so I could respond, but now I find myself wanting you to talk to me more than ever. I don’t know who the hell I just saw crying at your grave. It better not be you haunting my ass. I’m going to figure this out. And the police have found your assaulter. I’m going to make sure he pays. You may have left me, but I’ll never leave you,” I promised.

Then I turned to Emelius and said, “I’m ready now.”

I had to go back to Hendrik not only so I could learn more about Katia’s assaulter, but also so I could get his help to identify whether Katia had a sister, and if so, track her down and ask her why Katia had never spoken to me about her. And I wanted to know just what the hell she was sorry for.

“THERE BETTER BE a damn good reason why you requested to see me in broad daylight,” Nikolai said as he joined me where I was standing at a cliff, high above the water’s edge, which could only be accessed on foot.

Although it had taken me an hour hike to make my way through the foliage, it was one of the few spots I could ensure I wouldn’t be followed.

“There is,” I replied. “Hope you made sure you weren’t followed by any of your men,” I quipped.

Nikolai sent me a scornful look, so full of fire exactly like Mikhail. “Don’t insult me. No one follows me unless I want them to and I always cover my tracks, had to cover up some of yours, too, you’re getting sloppy, Hendrik,” he chided.

“Nice try. You didn’t cover up mine, it was probably some animal’s tracks,” I laughed.

“I don’t have much time before someone realizes I’ve gone missing and sends out an alert,” Nikolai replied impatiently.

“Fine, then let’s get down to it,” I said getting serious. “Mikhail told me that when he broke into your compound you put a gun to his head. I thought you said you were going to stay well away from him,” I growled.

“You don’t wanna play that game, Hendrik. You said you’d keep Mikhail away from me and yet I found him in my territory, stealing away a recruit. He’s lucky no one else found him,” Nikolai yelled, his eyes flashing.

“That recruit, the girl he took with him, was in harm’s way and Mikhail didn’t want her to become corrupted like he was. I couldn’t stop him even if I tried. But you didn’t have to talk to him. You gave him hope that you had no right giving to him,” I reproved.

“I know!” Nikolai screamed. “I tried to stay away but I couldn’t. I missed him. He’s my brother,” he justified.

“No, you don’t get to do that. You don’t get to put your needs before his. We agreed you’d stay away from him until you got out,” I rebuked. “That’s also why I’m here. I have a proposition for you, a way to fast track your plan if you want to put your fists down and listen,” I said looking pointedly at his hands.

Nikolai put them down, closing his eyes as he regained his calm. “What did you have in mind?” he asked as he opened his eyes.

“I’m working with the head of the FBI, Deake Sentry, to dismantle the Ichor cartel,” I began.

“No way,” Nikolai overrode, shaking his head. “You have to be crazy if you think I would agree to work with them. The FBI is full of traitors and I know all about their failed attempt to wipe out the Ichor cartel.”

“This time will be different,” I swore. “The head of the FBI promised me he’s only got his special task force working on this. And I trust him because he lost so many of his men, there’s no way he’d let that happen again. This is a chance, Nikolai, for you and me to take out both the Ichor cartel and the Valentijin mob at once. You want your freedom, and this is the way to get it. We both know there’s no other way for you to get out of the mob alive unless you take out all of the Valentijin leaders at once. And I think I have a way to do it, but without you, it can’t be done,” I stressed.

“I’ll listen but I’m not making any promises,” Nikolai said, giving me the go ahead to explain.

“Thank you,” I said earnestly. “So, the drug front has always been divided. There’s always been two competitors competing, both the Valentijin mob and the Ichor cartel. The cartel’s created a new experimental drug that I’m sure you’re aware of. Separately you both reap divided profits on the drug front but together you have the potential to use both of your connections to market this new drug out to the rest of the world. I want you to convince the Valentijin leaders to invest in this drug, to form an alliance with the Ichor cartel. I want to have both sets of leaders together under one roof and this is the opportunity to make it happen,” I proposed.

“It’s a good plan,” Nikolai mused, “but what makes you think that two mobs that hate each other so much are going to put their hatred aside for even a second?”

“Greed. I can’t argue that both sides aren’t gunning for each others’ blood, but there’s one thing they want more than blood…they want money and they want power and an alliance will give them both of those things.”

“I think I could sell this to my group but initiating a meeting with the other side will be very, very risky. I don’t even know who has replaced Senator Caynes as the new drug lord and whether he would be open to the idea of an alliance,” Nikolai remarked.

“If you don’t want to do this, then you don’t have to. Sentry knows nothing about my plans. He just wanted to know if you knew who the name of the person was who had taken over the cartel. I thought we could use the FBI to our advantage to get what you want. The choice is yours,” I stressed.

“I don’t want Mikhail anywhere near this,” Nikolai replied. And although he hadn’t voiced his agreement, I took this as affirmation that he was in.

“He won’t like it, but I’ll make sure he’s kept in the dark,” I said. I’d make sure that Jarek and Sev would help to keep Mikhail’s attention otherwise occupied on Vasco’s case.

Nikolai moved to the very edge of the cliff, away from me, and stared down hard at the ocean’s horizon. “If anything happens to me then I want you to let him know that I’m sorry that I let him down,” Nikolai said, still not looking at me. “When Mikhail left I realized what a monster I’d become. I swore I’d never be my father, and I’ve become him…a person I loathe and hate. I want Mikhail to look up to me; I want to be the man he’s become. Tell him that and tell him I’m proud of him.”

“Nothing is going to happen to you,” I denied hotly, grabbing at his shoulder to turn him toward me so he could see that I meant what I said.

Nikolai shook my hands off, and grew fierce. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If I die, I refuse to allow it to be on your conscience. Whatever happens to me is on me, and me alone. I knew what I was getting into, the things I’ve done I can’t ever atone for. I can’t change my past, but I can try to stop anyone getting hurt again in the future.”

Now it was my turn to look away. I couldn’t have his blood on my hands, too. And Mikhail would hate me if he found out that I was the reason his brother was dead.

“I’m the one who’s putting you up to this,” I refuted.

“No, you’re the one who’s giving me the opportunity to get out. I’m the head of the Valentijin mob, Hendrik, no one tells me what to do. And yet for months I’ve tried to find a way out but haven’t been able to. I can’t just walk away, so I’m going to fight my way out. So, the way I see it, you’re giving me my freedom, and trust me when I say that death is more welcome than being a prisoner in that hellhole any longer. So, no matter what happens, no regrets, okay?”

I breathed out and turned to look at the ocean, needing a quick moment.

So, we were going to do it. We were going to dismantle the Ichor cartel and the Valentijin mob with one fell. I hoped to God it worked.

“Hendrik?” Nikolai pressed.

“No regrets,” I agreed.

“HI, DAHLIA, IT’S Emerson Monsoon, I don’t know if you remember me, we met at Katia’s funeral,” I said when she picked up the phone.

“Yes, I remember you. I hope you are doing well. Is there something I can help you with?” she asked over what sounded like squabbling children.

“Is this a bad time?” I said, biting down on my lip, really hoping it wasn’t.

“Not at all, I was just hanging out with the kids while they have lunch, I can spare a minute or two to talk,” she replied, the background sound getting quieter.

“Perfect. Thank you. I really hate to open up old wounds, but I wanted to ask if you knew if Katia had a sister? She told me she was an orphan, but when I went to her grave today I saw someone there who looked just like her,” I babbled, knowing how insane I sounded.

“When I found Katia, she was alone, but I guess it’s possible that she could have had a sister,” Dahlia answered. “I’m sorry that I can’t help you any more than that.”

“Please, don’t be! I’m sorry for calling out of the blue like this. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to answer my question,” I responded.

After I finished the call I decided to step out on Hendrik’s balcony. A light wind helped with my headache but still brought little clarity to the mystery. I was also trying to ignore the fact that Emelius had forced me to go to the hospital to get x-rays for my foot, which had involved waiting an hour in the waiting room, only for a doctor to confirm what I already knew—that I did have a sprained ankle. Following this, on Hendrik’s orders, Emelius had driven me to Hendrik’s place and told me to put my foot up and rest.

He’d offered me some Tylenol for the pain, but I’d refused.

I wasn’t sure I was ready to deal with Hendrik just yet but I’d made up my mind. I wanted to know all the facts about Katia’s assaulter and I wanted to know exactly why Hendrik believed he was innocent.

“You should be resting your foot,” Hendrik admonished from behind me.

I spun around fast, shocked that I’d been so far gone in my thoughts that I hadn’t heard him.

“The swelling has gone down, and it doesn’t even hurt anymore,” I said obstinately.

“Are you fighting with me because you’re still angry with me or because you’re in pain?” he asked, walking to me so that my front was touching his front.

I stayed right where I was, refusing to be intimidated—or rather, enticed into jumping him.

“I want you to tell me about Katia’s assaulter,” I said, ignoring his question and my yearning to grab hold of his head, angle it down, and fix my lips to his.

“No, you have to stay out of it,” Hendrik refused.

“How can I? She was my best friend, Hendrik,” I yelled in agitation. “You didn’t see her in the hospital like I did. You didn’t see her crying as she relived what happened to her. If you’re telling me that he’s innocent then I want to know exactly why you think that,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Helvete, you’re as stubborn as a bull! Fine, I’ll tell you, but you have to rest that leg,” he conceded.

“Fine.” I walked back inside, sat on the couch and put my leg up on the table.

“Now, you have to hear me out completely without saying a word until I finish,” Hendrik demanded as he took the seat opposite mine.

I nodded and readied myself for him to begin.

Hendrik inhaled, his green eyes turning hard. I knew he didn’t want to do this, but I needed to know.

“A witness has come forward saying that he witnessed Ethan Vasco rape and assault your friend, but Vasco claims he didn’t do it,” Hendrik said.

I dug my nails into the couch to give me the strength to listen when all I wanted to do was run and hide. Hendrik’s eyes honed in on the action but he continued, the only sign that he was affected was that his voice had gotten quieter, almost rougher. “I’m not going to lie to you, Vasco has just gotten out of prison for assaulting two girls decades ago so it wouldn’t be wrong of you to assume that he is Katia’s assaulter.”

I stood up, my hands becoming fists, my nails digging in when all I wanted to do was smash something. No, I wanted to smash Ethan Vasco, I thought, through my red haze.

Hendrik had gotten up too and he was completely unruffled by my rage. It made me even angrier.

“Sit. Back. Down, Emerson,” he bit out, his voice so forceful my knees buckled in fear and I found myself sitting back down. “Good. I’m not finished and you promised you would listen,” he said coldly.

I swallowed and bent my head, waiting for him to continue.

“Now, while it seems that Ethan Vasco hurt your friend, I believed him when he said he didn’t do it.” My head flew up and I looked at him in disbelief, but he ignored it. “I tracked down the witness to confirm this, and he told me that he had been blackmailed to step forward and identify Ethan as Katia’s assaulter.”

“What?” I croaked out. “Are you telling me that someone framed Ethan Vasco? Who? Do you have any leads?” I interrogated.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” Hendrik said with frustration. “Whoever has done this has planned it very carefully.”

“Wait,” I said as I thought of earlier today when I was at the cemetery. “Hendrik, I think I might have another lead for you. It could be nothing but I need you to check something out for me.”

“What is it? And don’t worry, I’ll just add it to your debt,” he said as he leaned in closer.

“At this rate it’s going to take a lifetime to pay you,” I complained. Then I leaned in closer, wanting to gauge his reaction. “Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but when I went to Katia’s grave this morning I saw someone there who looked exactly like her. At first I thought it was Katia and I thought I was hallucinating, but what if I wasn’t? What if Katia has a sister? The girl—whoever she was—was crying and she said she was sorry. What if she had something to do with Katia’s death?”

“Let’s find out,” Hendrik said, pulling out his phone and dialing someone. “I’m calling Jarek. He’s one of my men and one of my greatest assets when it comes to locating people,” Hendrik shared. “I’ll put him on speaker so you can hear, too.”

“Hi, Hendrik, what’s up?” Jarek answered.

“I have reason to believe that Katia Smith may have a sister. I want you to access the files of all orphanages that operated in a twenty-mile radius of the orphanage that Katia Smith was placed in. I want you to tell me if any children were admitted into an orphanage on the exact same day that Katia was,” Hendrik ordered.

“One sec, I’m running the search now,” Jarek responded. “Yes, I can see that there were two girls admitted, one aged ten and the other aged six at two different orphanages in the vicinity.”

I looked at Hendrik with excitement, and in comparison to me he was quietly pleased. I raised my eyebrows, impressed with his control, and his mouth twitched. I all out smiled, feeling quite smug with myself.

“Perfect, do their files happen to have images of them?” Hendrik asked.

“I’m already way ahead of you. I’m sending you their photos now they are out of date. They must have been taken when they were first placed into the orphanages,” Jarek replied.

Hendrik’s phone beeped as the photos transferred through. I looked at the first photo and shook my head. The ten year old bore no comparison to Katia, but when I saw the second photo, my heart stopped. The resemblance of Katia to the six year old was uncanny.

“Katia told me she was six months old when she was placed in the orphanage, which means that Katia has a sister that’s five-and-a-half years older than her. Why would a mother split up her children like that?” I asked with horror.

“The girl’s name is Evelina Smith. And you didn’t tell me I had an audience,” Jarek commented.

“Evelina,” I whispered to myself, putting the name to the girl’s face and finding it fit perfectly.

Hendrik got up and sat beside me and took my hand in his, giving it a squeeze. I leaned into his warmth feeling shocked and drained.

“She’s Emerson Monsoon. She was Katia’s friend,” Hendrik said by way of explanation. “Now, Jarek, quit playing around. I want you to see if you can track Evelina Smith’s history and find her current residential address.”

“Sounds like a road trip to me!” Jarek said enthusiastically. “Will Emerson be joining?” he asked seductively.

I said, “Yes,” at the same time Hendrik said, “No.”

“Hendrik, I’m coming with you,” I asserted strongly, releasing my hand from his.

“No, you’re not,” Hendrik disagreed.

“Okay, guys, I’m going to leave you two to sort that out. I’ll message you the address once I find it,” Jarek said, and ended the call shortly after.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t go with you guys,” I said, refusing to back down without a fight.

“I’ll give you two,” Hendrik replied, placing his hand on my neck and sliding it up, stopping at my scars. The rough pad of his thumb caressed them, sending shivers sliding down my spine, but I refused to look away. If this was about him thinking that I couldn’t trust him, then I’d make him see otherwise.

“You’re untrained and you’re hurt,” Hendrik listed. “Also, you’d just slow us down and I need all of my attention focused on the mission. I can’t focus when you’re beside me,” Hendrik admitted like he hadn’t just admitted I got to him!

And that was way more than two! But I kinda liked the last reason.

“So, what you’re really saying is that I am a distraction,” I said, taking his hand that was at my neck, in both of mine. Impulsively I placed a kiss at the center of his palm.

His eyes flared, a simmering heat within them that ignited a slow, burning fire within me.

“An endlessly tempting one. I can’t focus when you’re beside me because I want to focus on you. The way you burned up when you were straddling me . . .” he groaned.

I bit my lip, holding back my reaction and then said to myself screw it, and allowed my smile to fully bloom.

His eyes dropped to my lips.

“There it is again, that sweet smile,” he murmured. My heart squeezed in my chest, and I felt lightheaded and completely off-balance.

“You. Are. Magnificent,” he said drawing closer.

I breathed out in frustration, wanting him to quit talking, to quit delaying, because no foreplay was needed. He already had me right where he wanted. It was only fair that we compromised and met halfway. If he moved his lips an inch closer, then I’d move mine the other inch that would close the gap between the two of us, ending with my mouth on his. And it would be a win-win for both parties.

“And I’d rather you stay that way, in one piece. When you get back, we can continue where we left off,” Hendrik said, drawing away from me once again. Leaving me hanging.

I went from burning hot to ice cold in seconds, the change giving me whiplash. I poked him in the chest with a finger, refusing to allow him to get away with it. “Hendrik, this isn’t done. You do this to me one more time and I’ll make your life a living hell,” I threatened. It was more of an empty threat than anything else but he didn’t know that. I hoped.

Hendrik chuckled, the sound like music to my ears. He drew his phone out of his pocket and I realized that Jarek must have messaged him, which is why he’d drawn away.

“I’ve gotta go,” he said as he grabbed his coat off the couch, and shrugged it on, seemingly unperturbed by my threat. “But, Älskling, just for the record, when you ache, I ache. When you hurt, I hurt. The difference is I know how to hide it. You don’t. It doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t rather stay here with you till we’re both satiated. But that can’t happen because we both know that I have to pay a visit to Evelina. I want to take my time learning every inch of you. I want to explore all the thousand ways it takes to make you fall apart. It’s gonna happen, just not tonight,” he said as he entered the elevator.

“You think I’m ready?” I asked, forgetting my anger.

“You left, then you came back. You could have stayed away, but you didn’t. So, the way I see it, I don’t need to be careful with you anymore because you aren’t running away from me, you’re running toward me. You’re more ready than you know,” he replied as the doors closed, his words echoing in my head in the silence.

“Crap, crap, crap,” I murmured to myself. I hadn’t realized that by choosing to return I’d already made my choice. But he was right. I had. Now I wasn’t scared of his touch, I was scared of wanting it too much.

“I WOULDN’T CONSIDER this to be a residential address,” I said with disgust as I took in our surroundings.

“It’s a loose interpretation of the word, I’ll admit,” Jarek said from beside me as he gazed at the house that looked like it was abandoned. It was fenced off; the windows were boarded and it had ‘keep out’ written on them in blood red paint.

“Are we really going to go in there? It looks like no one’s in there anyway,” Sev said, and he was standing behind the both of us.

“I never sanctioned you to come along,” I laughed. “You can turn back, but we’ll probably give you a lot of shit about it,” I surmised.

“And by probably, he means definitely,” Jarek said with a quirk of his mouth.

“So, how did you find this place?” Sev asked, trying to take the heat off of himself.

“I have my ways and sources. I was told that Evelina has a drug addiction. While this looks neglected, it’s really a drug nest.”

“Please tell me we’re going to draw her out somehow so we don’t have to go in,” Sev pleaded, dropping his calm act.

“You could be the bait,” I suggested, then seeing the genuine panic on Sev’s face I eased up on him. “How about you stay out here? When we go in she might make a run for it.”

Jarek sent me a derisive look but I ignored it. Sev was clearly as uncomfortable as I’d known he would be. I had respect for someone who knew their limits; it’s when you pushed past them that you made mistakes. And being reckless got you killed.

“I like that plan,” Sev said, leaning back against the fence.

This time I sent Jarek a look as he opened his mouth, no doubt to rib Sev. I went under the cut in the barb-wire fence and Jarek followed suit.

“Why didn’t you let me have my fun?” Jarek whined as he caught up beside me.

“Sev isn’t like us and I don’t want him to be, if you keep pushing, he’ll push back. He’ll adapt out of force of habit and I don’t want him changing, not one bit,” I bit out.

“I don’t like what you just said, but that’s because it’s the truth. He’s the healer and we’re the hurters. And you’re right, sometimes I don’t know when to stop, I guess that’s why we have you,” Jarek replied.

“Ye-p,” I popped out.

“But it seems like you’ve found yourself a healer and it’s not Sev,” Jarek whispered as we drew closer to the front door, or more aptly the black space where a door used to be if the creaky hinges were of any indication.

“I might be a decoder but I have no idea what you’re saying,” I replied.

“Alright, I get it, you don’t want to talk about Emerson Monsoon. We can talk about her later,” Jarek allowed. “So, what’s our plan anyway?”

“Didn’t you think of one before we got here?” I didn’t know why I bothered asking when I already knew the answer.

“No, that’s your job,” Jarek replied, delegating the authority to me like always.

It just so happened I did have a plan. “We act like we’re one of them. We find Evelina, get the answers we need, then get out,” I listed, maybe oversimplifying it a little bit.

“I like the plan,” Jarek said easily. He was a chameleon; he could blend himself to fit his surroundings, which is why I was lucky to have him working with me and not against me.

“Even if you didn’t, it’s the only one we’ve got,” I said, as I walked inside. It was pitch black save for some candles that were lit here and there. And the smell, it made me want to gag. But I had to act like I was unaffected by it, like I was only after one thing, that I was only after my fix.

Bodies littered the hallway, people curled up in balls, shaking, suffering symptoms of withdrawal.

“Hey, you got som’fin for me?” A guy croaked out, latching onto my ankle weakly. I wanted to kick it off but I’d give myself away.

I shivered and got into my act. “Nah, I’m low on money…couldn’t wrangle anything,” I sniffed. The man let go, curling back into his ball. Jarek turned and asked another person if they’d scored something while I looked around trying to find Evelina.

I walked farther down the hall, listening to the wails, and people whispering to themselves, reduced to animals. A fight broke out between two people, but I avoided it. Being on drugs they’d be able to overpower me and Jarek and I had to stay on point.

“Hey, Hendrik, I found her,” Jarek whispered in my ear, pointing to a girl who was to my right. She didn’t look good at all. Her body was jerking out of control, she was full of sweat, and her teeth were chattering uncontrollably. I could barely make out that she was the same fresh-faced, sweet girl in the photo. She still had remnants of beauty but she was a shell of a human being. That’s what drugs did to you they sucked the life out of you.

I crouched down next to her noticing she was lying in her own filth, and grimaced, moving her out of it.

“Don’t t–touch me,” she cried out, physically in pain. But she didn’t move to stop me because she couldn’t.

“We’re here about your sister, Katia,” I whispered.

“My baby sister?” she choked out, her eyes full of hope. “I saw her the other day. She told me she doesn’t forgive me, told me to stay away from her because of what I did,” she croaked out forlornly.

My breath hissed out. She was so far gone or full of so much guilt she didn’t want to believe that Katia was dead.

“Evelina, Katia’s gone. You didn’t see her alive and breathing. You went to her grave. She’s gone,” I said, trying to soften the blow.

Her head fell forward like she couldn’t hold it up anymore and she gagged. “I’m sorry,” I said, hating to be the bad guy, but I needed her to focus and she couldn’t do that if she was lost in her own mind.

She gagged again, but this time, unlike before, blood came out, so much blood, and it just kept on coming out. She started to choke because she couldn’t breathe. I turned her on her side just as she began seizing. Her eyes were rolling, a bloody foam coming out from her mouth.

Jarek drew his phone out and dialed what I hoped was Sev’s number. “Sev, get in here now, we’re at the back of the house. Come quick, Evelina’s seizing,” Jarek yelled urgently.

Sev always carried his bag when he was with us in case of an emergency. Evelina needed the hospital, but if she didn’t make it past her seizure she wouldn’t get there alive…she’d be going to the morgue.

Suddenly she gave a violent jerk, it almost unseated my grip on her, and then she went completely limp. With shaking hands I turned her on her back, saw her mouth was agape, her eyes wide and unmoving. Her pupils were non-reactive.

“No, no, no,” I muttered. I put my fingers to her pulse then fell down to my knees. She was gone.

“What’s happening?” Sev said, as I fell to my knees, breathing in and out harshly.

“You’re too late. She’s gone and so is our lead,” Jarek said, then he punched his hand through the plastered wall, sending white bits through the air like confetti.

“I should have come inside with you,” Sev whispered. I saw him take a look at the wall, like he wanted to put his hand through it, too, but he couldn’t hurt himself. His hands healed people.

I put my hand on his shoulder, and squeezed it. “It’s not your fault, Sev. Let it go. You couldn’t have stopped her from dying.”

“I told her she shoulda stayed away,” a man laughed manically to our left. “She sold her sister to the devil. I warned her. They told her to keep her mouth shut but she was a li-ab-il-ity,” he sang out.

“What? Are you saying someone poisoned her?” I barked out.

Instead of responding he fell back against the wall, arms wrapped around his stomach. I took a step closer to sober him up but out of nowhere, all laughter drained out of his face, and his face completely transformed. “What am I doin here?” he asked to the air next to him.

It was like he’d become another person.

“Hey, what were you saying about Evelina,” I asked, trying to regain his attention. His head snapped back to me, and he looked at me with confusion, a glassy look on his face.

“Who are you? Watchu want?” he gurgled out.

“We don’t have time for this,” Jarek said as he grabbed the guy and shook him. “Who did Evelina sell her sister to?” he roared.

“Let him go, Jarek, he’s delusional,” Sev said. Jarek paused, taking in the lucid look on the man’s face and he let him go silently. The man scampered off, somewhere into the darkness.

The three of us stood unmoving. Not knowing where to go on from here.

“Wait, this was beneath her,” Jarek said picking up a folder piece of paper that looked like it was about to break apart. Sev and I looked over his shoulder and we read it.

My dearest Evelina,

I’m writing this letter to you because, unlike your sister, Katia, I know that you will still remember me. I ask you not to go looking for me. I will find you when it’s safe.

When I had you I was on drugs, I never got clean. And I regretted it the minute I had you in my arms. I was told that because of me, from the womb, you were born into this world addicted to drugs.

I ruined you before you even drew your first breath. I’m so sorry. I tried to be a good mother to you and it killed me every time I had to add drugs to your food so you wouldn’t be in pain. And then I found out I was pregnant with Katia. I got clean because I couldn’t do to her what I’d done to you.

I was getting better, but then I fell off the wagon, got mixed up in a bad crowd and it wasn’t safe for either of you. So I put you in foster care and I did the same with Katia. I separated you from her because I didn’t want the people after me to find either of you.

I don’t want you to go looking for her either because you would be putting her at risk. You’re her older sister and the only way you can protect her is by staying away.

I’m so sorry, but once it’s safe I’ll come to get you both.

I promise.

“I’m guessing she never came back for them,” Jarek commented.

“Maybe she never had the chance to,” I replied, breathing out. And Evelina never stood much of a chance against her addiction, maybe at one time she’d fought it but in the end she let it take her. I wondered what depths she would have gone to to feed her habit. Was that man right? Did she find her sister and sell her out if it meant getting her fix?

I had no idea. But if she did, then there were only two players who could be responsible for her death, the Valentijin mob or the Ichor cartel. I couldn’t shake off the bad feeling, that the man was onto something, I just didn’t know what.

“What do we do with her?” Sev asked, looking down at Evelina he bent and gently pulled down her eyelids.

“I’m taking her with us,” I answered. Her mother separated her and her sister, it’s only fair that she get laid to rest with her,” I said as I picked her body up.

WHEN HENDRIK TOLD me what had happened to Evelina I went numb. I didn’t feel anything. But when I read the letter I broke down. I cried for Evelina. I cried for Katia. And through it all, Hendrik held me.

When I had finally stopped, Hendrik told me about how he’d taken care of the arrangements to hold Evelina’s funeral for the following day. He had bought the plot next to Katia’s so that they could be together. And that made me cry again. Eventually Hendrik threatened to call in a doctor to sedate me if I didn’t stop.

So, I stopped. Then I rang Dahlia and told her about Evelina. She broke down and I didn’t. I remained strong for her like Hendrik had done for me.

The next day we drove down to Hallstone Cemetery and we laid Evelina to rest. I met Hendrik’s friends, Sevastyn, Mikhail, and Jarek, and my dad came along with Marie, Dahlia, and Laurina. Lukas didn’t come because Laurina refused to let him upset me, even though he’d apologized to me.

And after the funeral my dad had pulled me aside and asked if Hendrik was the reason for Emelius. When I said yes, he subjected Hendrik to the third degree and Hendrik passed with flying colors.

I was now standing in front of Hale Institution. Hendrik had pointed out there was no point in continuing to think about how I couldn’t change what had happened to Katia or Evelina. But Micah I could try and help. I had to concentrate on the living, but that didn’t mean I’d given up on finding answers about who had assaulted Katia.

I signed in, then went up to his room, grateful that my mentor wasn’t around. I pushed open Micah’s door and saw that he was positioned in the exact same way as the last time I’d seen him.

“Hi, Micah, I’m back like I promised. I hope you didn’t miss me too much,” I sang as I took my spot on the floor.

He didn’t respond but I didn’t allow that to take the wind out of my sails. I got out some work I had to do and got stuck into it.

One thousand and two hundred seconds later and the silence still remained unbroken. But we still had two thousand and four hundred seconds left and all it would take was one second for him to break it.

“Why are you here?” A croaky, underused voice asked.

Did he just . . ? I looked up from what I was reading and Micah was still turned away from me in his frozen state. Maybe I was imagining things.

“Why are you here?” The voice said louder. This time I knew I wasn’t imagining it. Micah was speaking to me! Without looking at me, but still that was progress. I was surprised his vocal chords still worked from disuse.

“I’m here because it’s part of my course program. I have to have practical experience and I was paired with you. Also, I know what it’s like to be trapped in your mind,” I responded. I didn’t move in case I scared him off.

I closed my eyes, hoping he’d reply. The tension in the air was so thick I couldn’t breathe.

“So you’re going to leave after you’ve gotten what you want from me? You’re just like everyone else. You don’t care. You just want me to make you look good,” Micah said bitterly.

I swallowed, hearing what he wasn’t saying. He felt abandoned and unwanted.

“Look at me, Micah,” I said gently.

He didn’t move but I had to try again. “Please,” I added.

Slowly he turned around, and skewered me with a glare.

“I might be here because I have to be, but I’m also here because I want to be,” I said fiercely. I had one chance to get through to him and I didn’t want to waste it. “I was like you four months ago. I was at Zaston Institution. I couldn’t eat, drink, or sleep, but I slowly got better. I still have the nightmares though and I’m still dealing with other issues like not wanting to be touched.”

His blue eyes widened and he bit down on his lower lip. “I don’t want to say what happened to me,” he whispered.

“Because saying it out loud would make it real?” I said, knowing what he meant.

“Yeah,” he said in a scared voice.

I got on my knees and tossed my work aside. “I get it, trust me but until you say it out loud it’s not going to feel real. It’s going to stay stuck inside you. To be free you have to set the words free,” I implored.

Micah swallowed and his hands closed into fists at his sides like he was bracing himself. “It was all my fault,” he bit out. He looked at me like he expected me to run, but I stayed right where I was.

I kept quiet. He needed to get it all out.

“IT WAS ALL MY FAULT,” he yelled, breathing hard and fast.

I still kept quiet.

“I always do everything wrong. All the time! I’m worthless. I don’t deserve to be alive,” he shouted. And even though he was the one saying those words, I knew that they weren’t his. Someone had said them to him so many times that they’d become ingrained in his head. So many times that he couldn’t forget them. And so many times that he believed them.

“What else are you?” I asked.

“I’m a liar, I’m a cheat, I’m worthless,” he yelled from the top of his lungs.

“Is that it?” I asked.

“Isn’t that enough?” he asked brokenly, his eyes filled with tears.

“Micah, I need you to answer these questions for me honestly. Do you become violent so you don’t get put with the other kids? Do you keep away from them because you’re scared you’re going to hurt them?”

He didn’t answer, but he looked away and that was answer enough.

“I don’t know what happened, Micah, but I do know what it’s like to not trust yourself. But if you don’t, then you’re giving up on yourself. And I am not going to let you do that. Do you hear me?” I said forcefully.

“I don’t know how to,” he whispered fearfully.

“How about we begin with a handshake?” I said putting out my hand. Please don’t shake, please don’t shake I chanted to myself. If my hand started shaking he would think I was scared of him and I wasn’t. My fear wasn’t rational. But I did truly believe Micah was an innocent little boy. Whatever he’d done or whatever he thought he’d done, I didn’t believe it had been his fault.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he replied, hiding his hands behind his back.

“You. Won’t,” I swore. Then I tried for lighthearted. “Don’t you leave me hanging,” I said mock impatiently.

He took one slow step closer, then another and another until he was two steps away. Then his right arm jerked out and he placed his little hand on mine. It sent a little shock through my system but I ignored it. Tears welled up in my throat but I swallowed them down.

Micah exhaled in relief from the contact, the panic in his eyes dimming. I squeezed his hand and he gave me a small, precious smile that I would never forget.

Then he let go and retreated, turning away from me and sat back down in his chair.

It was a small breakthrough but it was enough to give me hope. I picked up my work and continued to read. I’d pushed him enough for one day.

The minute my session ended with Micah I went outside and dialed Hendrik. Pick up, pick up, pick up I chanted to myself.

“How’d it go, Älskling?” Hendrik inquired, his voice affecting me like it always did.

“I did it!” I squealed.

“What?”

“I broke through!”

“You’re not good at speaking in code, Älskling,” he laughed.

“With my patient! I had a breakthrough. He spoke to me…he didn’t tell me what happened but he broke his silence,” I squealed again.

“That doesn’t surprise me one bit,” he replied confidently.

“I could kiss you all over, that’s how happy I am,” I spoke without thinking. Then immediately regretted it.

“I’d be fine with that,” he said darkly. Just as long as I get to return the favor. Where you kiss me I get to kiss you. It’s only fair,” he negotiated.

“Uh, crap, I didn’t mean to say that,” I backtracked.

“But you did,” he pointed out.

“I did, but I didn’t mean it,” I opposed then ended the call before I made an even bigger fool of myself.

“IT LOOKS LIKE your plan is gonna work,” Nikolai said to me over the phone.

“Elaborate,” I ordered.

“Hey, have you forgotten I’m the mob boss? I give the orders around here,” Nikolai laughed.

“You’re going to have a hard time acclimatizing when you get out. Unless you pay someone, they aren’t going to wait on you,” I laughed.

“Trust me, that’s one thing I’ll look forward to. Not having anyone follow me around or trying to kiss my ass would be a positive. Now, jokes aside, I sold the idea to my leaders and they agreed to go ahead with it. I’ve also made contact with the Ichor cartel, they said they were interested and would meet up. I, of course, made it a condition that their head and board must be present. And I also asked that the neutralitor be the one to set an impromptu time and place to prevent any takedowns. So when I know it’s going down, I’ll let you know,” he said, filling me in.

The neutralitor was an independent, third-party contractor who made money off mediating meetings between two enemies. He controlled everything, where they met and the time, ensuring a safe location so that both parties could set aside their mistrust and make a deal.

“I’ll be waiting,” I said.

“No, when I mean I’ll let you know, you aren’t coming, you’re going to tell Sentry and he and his men are the ones who are going to do the takedown. If you’re involved then there’s a chance Mikhail will be, too, and we agreed to keep him out of it. So, you stay out of it, okay? Or this whole thing is off,” he threatened.

I took a frustrated breath out. “Fine. Sentry won’t like it but I’ll pass the message along. And I also added a condition to your deal with him on your behalf. You’ll get full immunity once they catch the head of the Ichor cartel. There’s no point in being a free man if you have to hide your face to keep from getting taken down by the law,” I pointed out.

“You didn’t have to,” Nikolai bit out.

“I know. I did it for Mikhail, not you,” I replied. In truth, I’d done it for them both, but at least this way Nikolai wouldn’t feel indebted to me.

“I still don’t like it,” he said stubbornly.

“Doesn’t matter, because the deal’s been finalized. So, deal with it and move on,” I ordered ending the call.

“IF IT GETS awkward I need you to make it not awkward. Use your charm or something, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And if I pinch you it means get me the hell out of there, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Stop saying okay! I need support,” I stressed.

“Älskling, tagga ned,”

“Don’t tell me to bring down my spikes!” I yelled in panic.

“Hey,” Hendrik said, his hands coming down on either side of my neck. “If you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to.”

“No, I want to. Besides, we’re here already,” I said nervously.

“Alright then, let’s do this,” he said releasing me, then took my right hand in his.

I squeezed the life out of his hand as he led me down to where my mother and her boyfriend were seated. She looked the picture of beauty like always, long, mahogany brown hair, slim figure, and her boyfriend was handsome wearing a suit that looked very, very expensive.

Her eyes tracked my every move, noting that I was holding Hendrik’s hand. I could have sworn she frowned, but it vanished like it had never been there, and she smiled.

“Honey, I’m so glad you came,” she said, getting up. While I was getting better with having people touch me, I didn’t trust her yet, so I guided Hendrik into her opened arms. I was thankful beyond words that he took the heat off me, because if he hadn’t been willing to be pushed, I wouldn’t have been able to push him an inch.

“Of course, I said I would,” I replied taking a seat. “This is Hendrik, he’s my friend, I hope you don’t mind that I brought him along.”

My mother laughed but didn’t say anything. She kissed Hendrik’s cheek and introduced herself. “It’s lovely to meet you! And this is my new man, Jude, we’ve only been together for three weeks but he already means so much to me,” she said with a loving look at him.

Jude smirked, and I wondered if he was as love whipped as she was. “So, how did you two meet?” I asked once they’d all taken their seats.

“I met her at a work party event,” Jude explained. “I asked her out and she turned me down, at first.”

Mother laughed, throwing her head back, exposing the long column of her throat. “No woman should ever give in too easy, darling, and besides, you were way too confident. I had to wound your pride just a little bit for thinking me so easy,” she teased.

“Don’t worry, you’ve nursed it back to recovery,” he replied suavely. Then turning to me, he said, “Cressie has told me so much about you, about how proud she is about you being accepted into Thorne University on a scholarship.”

“I was really surprised. I didn’t think I would get it, my dad I were looking at local colleges,” I shared. Seeing the hurt feeling on my mother’s face I quickly changed topics. “My program involves me actually seeing and treating a patient. I don’t think I’ve ever loved doing something so much,” I admitted.

“I’m happy you’re in such a good place and so close to me,” my mother gushed. “We can make up for lost time.”

I smiled back not as elated, but I agreed it was a chance to have her in my life again.

Once we’d ordered and not soon after the food had arrived, and just as I’d begun to relax my mother began interrogating Hendrik. “What do you do? Do you also attend Thorne?” she asked.

I tensed up, but Hendrik put his hand on my knee telling me to relax and that he had this.

“Yes, I currently work at a law firm,” Hendrik replied enigmatically.

“In what field? I could actually use some advice about purchasing an estate to develop,” Jude enquired with interest.

I took this as my chance to make a small escape. “Please, excuse me, I’m going to go to the bathroom,” I said, getting up from the table.

“Oh, I’ll come with you,” my mother said.

I shot Hendrik a do something look but he didn’t do a thing. Short of telling her not to, he could have tripped her as a last resort but then again he didn’t support violence against women so that wasn’t going to happen.

I walked quickly before she’d gotten up so I could avoid talking to her one on one, but she cornered me while I was washing my hands.

“So, Emerson, tell me how you’re really doing,” she pressured, standing between the bathroom door and me.

“I’m honestly good,” I asserted.

“You’re still speaking to Doctor Fleur, aren’t you?” she said with concern.

“Yes. She told me to give you another go, actually.”

“I knew she was a smart woman. So, do you like Jude?”

“He’s funny and charming. I’m happy that you’ve found someone just like Dad has.” I closed me eyes as I realized my slip up. Crap, crap, crap!

Her eyes grew hazy. “Oh, I didn’t know your father had moved on with someone else. That’s good. He and I would never have worked out our differences. I think we’ve been gone long enough, honey,” she urged.

She left so fast. She didn’t wait for me, and I saw that I had hurt her again. I took a minute to compose myself then went back out there. It made it a bit easier to know I was going back out there to Hendrik, too.

I was exhausted by the time we got back to his apartment, which I’d been staying at ever since Evelina’s funeral. I wasn’t so tired though when I thought of him and me in his bed.

“Go to bed, Älskling,” he urged as he kissed the top of my head.

“Why don’t you join me?” I invited.

“You’re still mourning,” he said, shooting me down.

“Well, then how about I canoodle with you on the couch?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I don’t do canoodling,” he said with a smirk.

Being shot down on all fronts I made my way to his bedroom and closed the door quietly behind me, when really I wanted to start an insurgency and say to hell with the peace treaty.

IT WAS A week later and still I hadn’t breached the peace treaty, but I had made use of his gift.

“You came,” Micah said as I entered his room.

“You didn’t think you’d scared me off last time, did you?” I teased.

He smiled a small smile and I soaked it up.

“So, I thought instead of talking we’d do something different this time,” I said.

“Like what?” he asked with feigned boredom, but I could tell he was intrigued.

“Sometimes it’s easier to communicate through music. I was allowed to bring my iPhone along with me. We’re going to take turns at playing songs. I don’t want you to tell me how you feel, I want you to show me. I’ll listen to the words and try and guess. Wanna give it a go?” I asked enthusiastically.

“You’re weird,” he commented giving me a weird look.

“Yep, I am, and I love it,” I laughed. “Okay, how about I go first?”

He rolled his eyes, but nodded nonetheless.

I scrolled through the songs and clicked Imagine Dragons’s Believer and pressed play. Micah closed his eyes as the drums came on, pounding, and listened until the song was over.

He opened his eyes, a little crease between his brows as he thought. “I think you feel like you’re sad and angry, and that you want to get better. You’re fighting something inside, you hurt, and you want it to go away. Are you trying to say you believe that if you fight it you can be happy?”

I smiled because he got it completely. “Yeah. I’m sick of giving into my fears, and I’m sick about being angry because I can’t stop things from happening. I can’t control everything. The only way for me to be better is to fight,” I confirmed. “Now, it’s your turn,” I said, handing him the phone.

He looked at me uncertainly, so I sent him an encouraging smile, which he returned, then scrolled through the songs.

I held my breath, wondering what he would come up with. He pressed play, and immediately I identified the song to be R.I.P. 2 My Youth by The Neighbourhood.

I bit my lip as I absorbed the lyrics and deciphered what he meant by them.

“That’s pretty dark, bud. Okay, so I think that you’re trying to say that because of what happened to you, you don’t feel safe anymore. You’re no longer a kid because you’ve had to see or experience something that no kid should. You’re scared because you’re in the dark. You don’t know what to do. Am I right?”

He nodded his head then quietly handed the phone back. I looked through and found the perfect song that reminded me of Hendrik. I clicked on Switchfoot’s Dare You to Move.

Micah moved his head to the beat and I followed suit, letting the lyrics and the beat rush through me. Once the chords drifted away, it was silent again.

“I like that song,” Micah whispered like he was telling me a secret.

“I do, too,” I said.

“You’re saying that you want to push yourself, daring yourself to do things you’ve never done before. To get out of your comfort zone,” he said slowly.

I nodded my head and handed the phone back to him.

He scrolled through, sent me a scared look then clicked play. Brother by Matt Corby played. This time I closed my eyes as I tried to understand what he was trying to tell me.

Then I remembered that none of his family had seen him. Was this his way of telling me that he had a brother? That he was calling for him to come and see him?

“Do you have a brother, Micah?” I asked. When he didn’t answer, I decided to push him a little. “Do you think that you hurt him and that’s why he’s staying away?”

Micah suddenly got up and threw my phone against the wall. Then he threw his chair with a bang to the ground. “Micah, calm down. Please,” I urged. I didn’t touch him in case I set him off more, and I didn’t move because I wasn’t afraid of him. I was afraid for him. I didn’t want him to hurt himself because of what I said.

The door banged open, as two nurses entered, one holding a syringe. I knew what they intended and I couldn’t let it happen.

“No!” I said barring their way. “Please, just give me a second. I can calm him down, I promise,” I threw out as one nurse still walked forward.

“Wait,” the other one said latching onto her arm, “give her a chance.”

“Thank you,” I whispered gratefully.

Micah was on the floor, rocking himself back and forth but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I bent down on my knees beside him and heard that he was saying, “I’m sorry” over and over again.

“Hey, Micah, it’s okay. You lost control, it happens. No one got hurt, that’s all that matters. Breathe it out, get all the anger out. There are sixty seconds in a minute. Count them down and I promise you once they’re up that ugly feeling inside of you will pass. You can trust me. I’ll count them down with you,” I urged. “One, two,” I began.

On three he joined me, and by the time we hit sixty he was back under control. He leaned against me, all of his energy depleted. I picked him up in my arms and put him in his bed.

“I think it’s best you leave.” The more disapproving nurse said sternly.

“Of course. And that wasn’t his fault. I triggered him,” I said. Then I turned to Micah, “Everything’s okay, just rest. I’ll be back next week,” I soothed. His eyes opened, he gave me a tired smile, and then his eyes drifted back shut.

I walked past the two nurses and out to the hallway.

“Wait,” a woman yelled.

I turned around and saw it was the nurse who had given me the chance to calm Micah down.

“I’m sorry, we were just going to do our job,” she said, wringing her hands.

“I understand, but sometimes there’s a better way than knocking someone out,” I said kindly. “Would you mind doing me a favor?”

“That depends,” the nurse said uneasily.

“Would you mind calling me if Micah gets out of control like that again?”

“If it means I don’t have to sedate him, then I’ll do it,” the nurse agreed.

“Thank you!” I ripped out a piece of paper from my textbook and jotted down my number.

She took it and slipped it into her pocket then walked back to Micah’s room.

“HEY, EMERSON, WAKE up,” Hendrik urged, waking me up.

“What’s wrong?” I asked groggily, seeing it was still dark outside.

“Your phone kept on ringing, I thought it was urgent so I picked it up. It was a nurse calling from Hale Institution. She said that your patient had a relapse and that you should go to him.”

“Crap! Okay,” I said as I threw the covers off me. I was so panicked I couldn’t function properly.

“Let me help,” Hendrik urged as he picked out some clothes and helped me put them on when I almost fell over trying to do it myself.

When my clothes were on all the right body parts, I rushed to the elevator and Hendrik was at my heels.

“I’ll drive you,” he said.

We were almost there when my phone rang. I quickly answered it.

“Hi, I’m so glad I got ahold of you. Micah had a relapse,” the nurse from earlier today said.

What? Why would she be calling me again as if she hadn’t already?

“Ah-I’ll be there soon,” I got out in shock.

“Who was that?” Hendrik asked.

I didn’t answer. I needed to check something first. I quickly checked my call log and I saw that this was the first time the nurse had called me, which meant that Hendrik had lied.

“Hendrik . . . the nurse just rang me now to tell me about Micah. And I just checked my call log; I never received a call from her before now, which means . . . If I didn’t then how did you know? Unless . . . You were the one who got the call,” I said slowly.

“Emerson . . .”

“No, wait! Oh, God, you’re him, aren’t you? Micah played the song brother to me. You’re him. You’re his brother. All this time, he’s been waiting for you to visit him, he’s been calling you, and you couldn’t hear his cry,” I said with disgust.

Hendrik flinched as if my words were a physical blow to him.

He stopped in the emergency zone behind the Institution and didn’t say anything.

“Well? Don’t you have anything to say?” I yelled at him.

“Please, I can’t go inside and help him even though it’s killing me. But you can. I’ll tell you everything after. Please just help him first,” he pleaded.

“Why don’t you come with me?” I said less angry, seeing how torn up about it he was.

“I can’t, please just go,” he pushed.

“Fine, but I want to know everything when I get back,” I warned as I got out and slammed the door shut.

WITH SHAKING HANDS I parked the car. “Helvete!” I cursed. I hadn’t wanted her to find out like this. And I wished I could go and see Micah but it would ruin everything. I had to stick to the plan.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and as much as I wanted to ignore it, I couldn’t. I pulled it out and when I saw who it was I answered it.

“The meet is happening now. Call Sentry and tell him to mobilize his unit, I’m texting you the address as we speak,” Nikolai said.

“Nikolai, be careful,” I said quickly.

“Always. Make sure you stay away as promised,” he responded, ending the call.

Just as I got off the phone relaying Nikolai’s message to Sentry, Emerson came out of Hale Institution. She looked pale, withdrawn, and furious.

She got inside and turned to me. “Micah’s settled now,” she shared even though she was angry with me. She was giving me peace of mind when most people wouldn’t. She was rare and I was lucky she’d been put in my path.

“There better be a damn good explanation for why you have abandoned your brother,” she said crossing her arms.

“There is, all I ask is for you to listen,” I begged.

She nodded her head and I took that as her consent.

I took a deep breath in then exhaled. After this I might not see her smile that sweet smile to me again. But she was owed the truth.

“Micah isn’t my brother, he’s my stepbrother,” I burst out. Emerson’s face was blank, not giving a thing away so I continued. “After my father died my mum found another guy, Stellan, and got remarried but he and I never got along. I did searches on him but turned up nothing, he was clean so I let go of that bad feeling I had about him. He made my mum happy so when she asked me to stay away I did. And then I found out she was pregnant. She was having my brother, and I tried to heal the breach but Stellan wouldn’t have any of it. My mum refused to go against him, so when he was born I got in touch with his nanny, and she lets me see him in secret.

One time she called me to come over when my mum and Stellan had left to travel on a business trip. I went over and Stellan must have found out about our meetings because he was there when I got to Micah’s room. Micah was curled up in a ball beaten and there was blood everywhere. At first I thought he was dead because there was just so much of it. I didn’t think it was possible that he could still be alive. But when I focused I saw his chest go up and down and I realized he was still alive,” I said, breathing out brokenly.

“Hendrik, God,” Emerson cried out with tears in her eyes.

“Älskling, please, let me finish.” She bit down on her lip to stifle her sob and nodded, but stubborn to the bone she grabbed my left hand and held on.

“I saw red when I noticed my mother sitting on his bed completely unaffected, and Stellan was laughing beside her with Micah’s blood on his hands. I lost it. I grabbed him and pushed him against the wall. I punched him, but he didn’t stop laughing,” I said reliving it.

“I couldn’t get his laughter out of my head. So, I kept on hitting him until he eventually stopped. We fell to the ground, and when he stopped trying to hit me back I still didn’t stop. I only stopped when I heard Micah say my name. And it was only because I heard how scared he was, because I was the one scaring him. When I looked down, and the red faded, I saw that Stellan was half dead. There was blood all over my hands. And then I realized that some of it was mine because my mum was at my shoulder clawing on me, yelling at me to get off her husband. I stepped back, and instead of her checking on Micah, she went to Stellan,” I spat out with disgust.

Emerson gave me a squeeze, and I controlled the urge to punch something. “A minute later an ambulance came, I tried to go with Micah but police were there, too, they arrested me. My mum lied and said that I had been the one who had hurt Stellan and Micah. I was arrested and taken down to the station. I was interrogated for ten hours and in all that time they wouldn’t let me know if Micah was okay or if I’d killed Stellan. They believed me when I said I’d been defending my brother, but they said I’d still committed a felony, and that charges were being laid against me by both my mother and Stellan.”

This time I squeezed Emerson’s hand because the hard part was coming up next. “Deake Sentry, the head of the FBI, took over my interrogation and he told me that he would get the charges dropped if I helped him with something. But only once the job was done. He knew all about me, and how I’m the Leverager.”

“What did he want you to do?” Emerson asked.

“He gave me a name, your name, and told me that you were coming to Thorne University and that I had to get as much intel on you as possible,” I said.

“What? Why?” Emerson asked, taking her hand out of mine.

“I didn’t know at the time, he said he would let me know more when your classes started,” I said. Then I told her about Senator Caynes, the Ichor cartel and about what had happened to Sentry’s men.

“What does any of that have to do with me?” she said with confusion. Her nails were biting into her palm and I wanted to take her hands into mine. I’d rather let them dig into me but I knew she wouldn’t want me touching her right now.

I didn’t want to tell her because she’d tried to move on and this would be opening up old wounds, but I couldn’t protect her from the truth. “Emerson, whoever the new drug lord is, he started distributing this new experimental drug. It incapacitates a person once it’s taken and it wipes the person’s memory clean. Sentry gave me your name because he told me that your medical records when you were admitted to the hospital showed that it was in your system. Which means that you were injected with it at the time of your assault,” I delivered honestly.

Her ebony eyes widened as the realization hit her. Her gaze fell on the car door and I knew she was going to try and make a run for it. So, I picked her up and put her on my lap. She hit out at me blindly, but I didn’t stop her.

“You lied to me,” she yelled as her hand made contact with my cheek. It stung, but I didn’t apply pressure. I deserved it.

“Fight back!” she screamed, when she hit my other cheek. When I didn’t, she went completely silent and her hands came up and applied pressure to my cheeks, easing the sting.

Her eyes were wounded, but I could see she’d regained control and that she was sorry she’d hit me.

“It’s okay,” I soothed.

“No, it’s not,” she sobbed, her tears running over. “Why did they target me?” she cried.

“I don’t know, but trust me, I’m going to find out,” I swore.

She nodded her head and brought it down to lie on my chest. I ran my hands up and down her back trying to give her comfort even when I’d been the one to strip her of it. Sentry was right and wrong. I’d hidden it from her to protect her and she was safer not knowing but she wasn’t better off not knowing.

“What about Micah?” she whispered against my throat. “It can’t have been a coincidence that he’s my patient.

“No, it’s not,” I admitted. “I paired you with him. I helped out your professor with something on the condition, that Micah was your patient. I’m not able to see him…not until my charges are dropped, but through you I could hear about his progress. I’m not just doing this for myself, Emerson, it’s also for Micah. The court made him a ward of the state and they put him up at Hale Institution. I made a deal with Sentry to not only drop the charges against me, but to help me get custody of Micah once I was finished helping him out.”

“But there’s just something I don’t understand,” she said, lifting her head, ensnaring me with her ebony eyes.

“What is it?”

“I know you, Hendrik. You could have arranged to see Micah without anyone knowing, but you haven’t. I mean, if you really cared about him you would have moved heaven and hell to see him. Why haven’t you?” she asked.

I shook my head, “I couldn’t risk someone catching me, it would impact my chances of getting custody of him,” I lied.

“No, that’s not it.”

“It doesn’t matter!” I said, lifting her up and putting her back in her seat. Before I could stop her, she made a grab for the keys.

“It does matter, because you need to face whatever it is that’s stopping you from seeing him. How are you even going to look after him when you won’t even go and see him?” she said as she moved the keys from out of my reach.

“Fine! The last time he saw me I almost killed his father in front of him! I was covered in his father’s blood. Covered. I’m scared, okay! I’m scared that he thinks of me as a monster,” I said, looking away.

“No, Hendrik, he thinks of you as his protector. I haven’t known him for long but I do know he misses you, and you never miss something that you’re scared of.”

“It scares me just how good you are,” I whispered.

“What?” she said with confusion.

“I just admitted to lying to you for my own personal gain and here you are trying to make me feel better about myself,” I said, completely and utterly astounded. “You unman me with your generosity.

“I’ve tried being bitter and angry and I didn’t like the person I was. You lied to me but for a good reason. I can’t be angry for you wanting to protect Micah, because if I were in your footsteps I’d have done the exact same thing,” she stressed. “And besides, the way I see it, we’re even. I don’t owe you any future payment,” she quipped lightheartedly.

“Min lilla sky,” I murmured with a smile.

“What does that mean? It’s not fair when you go all Swedish on me,” she complained.

My phone rang again, and when I saw it was Deake, I put up a finger to put our argument on hold. Emerson sent me a feigned glare, but it barely had any heat to it.

“Sentry, how’d it go?” I answered.

“Mostly a success. Nikolai came through, I had my doubts but we did it. We’ve got the head of the Ichor cartel in custody. We took alive whomever else we could,” Sentry said with reluctant happiness.

It was the reluctant part that I didn’t like.

“Wait, what do you mean by mostly a success?” I asked, not getting a good feeling.

Sentry paused, and then replied, “Nikolai didn’t make it . . . He died in the crossfire. I’m so sorry, Hendrik.”

My eyes grew wet and devastation filled me. Mikhail was going to be destroyed by the news.

“I want it known that he was part of this, that he was on our side,” I demanded.

“I won’t let his last act be covered up. The way I see it, he was an FBI informant, he died being one of us,” Sentry emphasized.

“Thank you,” I muttered.

“No, thank you for coordinating this, without you, none of it would have been possible. Now it’s time for you to finish the job. Come down to my headquarters, it’s time we pieced everything together; you’ve earned the right to listen in on the investigation. I intend on getting answers, you and Emerson deserve them, too.”

“We’re coming now,” I said, ending the call.

“I need the keys, Emerson,” I said holding out my hand.

She relinquished them to me without a fight.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“Sentry just took out the boards of both the Ichor cartel and the Valentijin mob. He has the drug lord of the Ichor cartel in custody. It’s time for the both of us to get answers.”

ALONG THE WAY I rang Laurina and clued her in on what had happened. Without me even asking she said she was leaving now and she’d meet me at the FBI headquarters. How she knew I needed her without me saying a thing always completely confounded me, but it also made it that much easier for me to be open to her. Even after everything I’d told her, she still remained a good friend.

“She’s a keeper,” Hendrik said.

“Yeah, she is,” I smiled.

“So, are you ready for this?” Hendrik asked as we got out of the car.

“Not one bit,” I laughed nervously.

“That’s okay because I’m ready enough for the both of us,” he said, taking my hand in his. We walked past the security measures and when we entered the foyer I couldn’t believe who I saw.

“Oh, my God, Emerson, what are you doing here?” My mother cried, rushing to us. Her makeup was running, her eyes were rimmed red, and she was shaking.

“I was asked to come in. What about you, are you okay?” I said fearfully.

“Jude’s solicitors told me that he was taken into custody but I don’t know why,” she sobbed.

“One second, Cressida,” Hendrik said drawing me away.

His eyes searched mine and I saw the same question in his eyes but I couldn’t voice it out loud. “Do you think . . ?” he started then stopped.

My mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out.

“I don’t like this one bit,” Hendrik bit out. And I didn’t either. “Just please go and talk to the receptionist I’ll deal with her,” I replied. He nodded his head then let my hand go.

I turned back to my mother and saw she looked overwrought, like she was barely holding on. “I’m sorry, but we have to go up, but I swear once we know any information, I’ll let you know.”

“You can’t just leave me like this!” she cried out, turning angry.

“If I stayed down here with you we’d both be here in the dark, this way I’ll get us some answers,” I said, refusing to back down.

The anger in my mother fled and she fell back against a chair and her whole body slumped. “Okay, I’m sorry, honey, I’m not upset with you.”

“It’s fine, I get it, I’ll be back soon,” I promised as I followed Hendrik into the elevator where he was waiting.

We stopped on level ten and the receptionist exited first. The whole floor was in a flurry; people everywhere, talking with excited whispers. They did just have a major win, but I didn’t know whether to be relieved or scared.

“Please follow me, Mr. Sentry wanted me to take you to him as soon as your arrived,” the receptionist said. We followed silently, weaving through people, and down a hallway and inside a room filled with monitors, and screens practically on every surface. There were live feeds running and I was probably looking at things I didn’t have the security clearance to see.

“Hendrik, it took you long enough,” a man in a suit yelled from where he was seated in the center of all the chaos.

“Thanks, we’ve got it from here,” Hendrik said to the receptionist, then he began to make his way to the man, tugging me along.

“Sentry, this is Emerson. Emerson…Sentry,” Hendrik introduced when Sentry and I were face to face. But before I could properly greet him, Hendrik interrupted. “What’s the status?”

Sentry sent me a quick smile, and then took Hendrik’s question in his stride. “He’s not talking, and on top of that he’s lawyered up,” he said with frustration. “None of his board is talking either, so my bet is that if he talks then all the others will follow.”

“Why aren’t you in with him now?” Hendrik threw out.

“His lawyer said he wanted time to talk with him. Can’t listen or watch, their discussions are covered by lawyer-client privilege. I’ve got Gabriel Hunter coming in, to try take a crack at him, he’ll be here any second,” Sentry answered.

The tension was killing me and I needed to know if the man in the other room with his attorney was my mother’s boyfriend. Now. “What’s his name?” Sentry looked at me, noting I was close to losing it and handed me a file. “This is all the information we’ve got on him so far.”

I opened it up with shaking hands and my heart stopped when I read his name, and saw his face. “H-he’s my mother’s boyfriend,” I whispered in shock.

“What?” Sentry asked moving closer.

I swallowed and with Hendrik’s arm at my back I repeated, “He’s my mother’s boyfriend,” but louder, it was more of a bewildered shout.

“Where is your mother?” Sentry barked out.

“She’s downstairs, why?” I asked.

Sentry didn’t answer. He just turned to the man beside him and whispered something.

“Hendrik, what’s happening?” I asked, turning to him.

His green eyes flared but he gave it to me straight. “They’re taking your mother into custody.”

“No, they can’t, she didn’t do anything wrong. He targeted her, she’s only known him for three weeks,” I whispered back fiercely.

“I’m sorry, Emerson, but we have to cover all bases. I’m not saying she’s a suspect but we need to know if she knows anything. She might know something she doesn’t know would be useful to us,” Sentry said unapologetically.

“Sentry, his lawyer just gave me the heads up. He’s done talking with his client,” a man yelled from across the room.

“And Hunter just got here,” someone else said.

“Tell Hunter to go straight in…he’s already been briefed,” Sentry said. “And I want a live feed on the interrogation on the big screen up now,” he ordered.

A man scurried out to go inform Hunter, while another brought the feed up. And that’s when it really hit me that Jude was the drug lord of the Ichor cartel. He was sitting calmly and silently beside his lawyer, as if he was bored. The door opened and a man stepped in with his back to us. I assumed that was Hunter. He took a seat opposite them. I could only see his side profile. He was eyeing Jude up and down all without saying a word.

I drew my hand to my head as it throbbed, and I could feel the onset of a migraine coming on.

“You okay?” Hendrik said, quick to notice.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I said, even when sweat began to pool at the back of my neck. Another crashing throb went through my temple, and I bit down hard on my lip to prevent from groaning.

I shook it off when the acute pain passed and focused on the screen. Slowly, slowly Hunter turned his head toward the camera and I saw his full face. For some reason I couldn’t hear a thing, it was like all the noise had been sucked out of the room. I fell back, felt someone catch me, and then everything faded away . . .

I WASN’T FEELING too well. It was hot and sticky in the club and I’d had way too much to drink. I looked around me but didn’t see any familiar faces. Where the hell were Liliana and Valerie? I had looked everywhere for them but I still couldn’t find them. Had they ditched me?

Screw it, I was going to head back to our hotel and wait there for them. I sent them both a quick text to let them know even though they hadn’t responded to my calls and I went out the front entrance. There were no taxis next to the club but there were some up farther ahead.

It wasn’t the best neighborhood to be in at this time of the night, but I wasn’t supposed to be alone. A black van stopped beside me. Not getting a good vibe, I began walking back to the club. A man stepped out but I ignored him.

I could feel him at my back, following me so I walked faster. The next second I felt him pressed up against my back and something pricked my neck. I felt my muscles begin to relax, I was trying to move forward but they didn’t obey me. Instead I found myself falling back. It was like I was a puppet, and my strings were being cut. I couldn’t get my hands, legs, or mouth to move. I couldn’t move anything. But I felt everything. I felt his rough hands as he heaved me over his back and threw me into the van, my head hitting hard against something.

“Be gentle, we don’t want her damaged before she gets to the client,” someone yelled from somewhere beside me. It was Jude’s voice!

Horror filled me, but it had no outlet. I couldn’t move which meant that I couldn’t fight!

The van started up and it drove for miles, eventually the noise of traffic faded away and when I heard nothing but the sound of the engine I realized we were getting farther and farther away from the city. And farther away from help.

Suddenly we stopped. Jude moved, I heard the door open and him getting out. A woodsy smell hit me, confirming my worst fears. We were somewhere out in the woods!

God! How long would the drug last for? As soon as I began to get movement back in my body I was going to make a run for it; even if I had to I’d crawl.

“She’s perfect,” I heard a voice from somewhere out of my vision. “The drug worked?”

“Yes, perfectly, Boss,” I heard Jude respond. “She’s completely paralyzed, but conscious.”

“Exactly the same as the last girl. She hasn’t shown any signs of regaining her memory. Of course, one subject isn’t enough to test the drug. Put her in position, the client is waiting. And don’t give away the fact that the drug is still in its experimental stages.”

“Of course,” Jude said, lifting me in his arms. Without support, my head fell back and I got a look at the boss’s face. He was cold, ice cold, and he was looking at me like I was a product. And he was none other than Gabriel Hunter.

Eventually we walked so deep in the woods that his face became a blur and my head snapped back and forth so many times it was sore.

“This is your mark,” Jude said, laying me on the ground. “She’s all yours,” he said to someone I couldn’t see. His footsteps faded away, and a businessman took his place.

“You look just like her,” he gasped in shock.

What the hell was going on?

Then his face morphed into deep-seated anger, the murderous look he sent me had me scared for my life.

“You remind me of my wife, she left me. Made a fool out of me. You look so much like her I can imagine you’re her. I’ve wanted to get back at her for so, so long,” he whispered psychotically. “And now I can,” he smiled maniacally.

I saw his foot lifting up but I couldn’t bring my hands up to stop the blow. It made contact with my stomach and I felt something crack. The force of the next blow to my back pushed me until I was half lying on my stomach half lying on my back. My mouth was filled with dirt. There was no welcome relief. He kept on hitting me. I felt my bones breaking and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

The only reprieve was when he positioned me on my back again, I could breathe easier but it didn’t last for long when I realized the reason why. His hands pulled my legs apart and he unbuckled his belt. I closed my eyes, finding that place where I could lock everything down. I could feel what he was doing, his hands biting into me, him thrusting into me, tearing away my innocence; I could hear him groaning above me. Eventually, when the pain began to be too much, I welcomed the darkness and let it take me away . . .

ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE . . . I count in my mind.

I’m awake but I feel rootless—bodiless, like I’m a feather floating through the air, at the mercy of the wind. All I can do is lie in wait and count the seconds away.

Four . . . Five . . . Six . . . I breathe, unable to shake the feeling that something is not right. But I’m safe in here alone with no one to touch me. If I stop counting, then I’ll wake up and I don’t want to face whatever is waiting for me on the outside.

Seven . . . Eight . . . Nine . . .

“You need to wake up,” a disembodied voice whispers.

No, No, NO!

Ten . . . Eleven . . . T–Twelve . . . I continue to count obstinately.

“WAKE UP!” The voice yells with an urgency I can no longer ignore. I can’t save myself if it may mean sacrificing someone else. I take a deep breath and drop the walls of my mind, one by one, flinching as I allow myself to regain consciousness.

Slowly my senses awaken, my hearing the first to return. Met by silence broken merely by the piercing shriek of cicadas, I pause, on high alert, waiting for the voice to speak. I open my mouth to speak but close it quickly; maybe if I speak I’d give myself away.

My eyes open next, and my vision is filled with red. My heart stops as I realize that the red substance is none other than my own blood. For one selfish second, I hope I’m wrong but the guilty thought vanishes as I attempt to lift a hand to swipe at the slick liquid obstructing my sight.

But nothing happens. I feel no flicker of tendon or muscle responding to the synapses of my brain.

“Oh, God, oh, God” I cry, unable to prevent the lament from passing through my lips. My breath halts, waiting to hear for the sound of footsteps revealing my location, but there’s nothing or no one around.

And here I am on the cold, hard ground trapped in my own damn body, unable to feel a damn thing!

Why can’t I move? Am I paralyzed? What’s wrong with me? The horrifying questions cut through the shock, making me fear the worst. Horror rises in me, and I know that if I don’t get ahold of my mind that I’ll lose whatever chance I have of getting past this—of getting out of whatever this is alive.

Th–thirteen . . . F–fourteen . . . F–fifteen . . . I count. Maybe if I count the seconds away, I’ll be one second closer to regaining motion, or to someone discovering me.

Sixteen . . . Seventeen . . . Eighteen . . .

SOMEONE WAS SLAPPING me gently on the face. Please, please, let me not be back in the woods I chanted to myself.

“We need a medic in here,” someone yelled, “or better yet, someone call an ambulance.”

“No,” I choked out.

“She’s delusional,” I heard someone whisper.

“What is it, Emerson?” I heard Hendrik ask with panic.

I opened my eyes, and saw Hendrik’s face right in front of me. “H-Hunter,” I gasped out. Sentry was right beside him, but I could tell from the confused look on his face he couldn’t understand, I had to make him understand.

“Jude isn’t the drug lord, he’s second in command,” I breathed out.

“How do you know that?” Sentry barked out.

“Because I remember everything.” I felt the bile rising in my throat, but I pushed it down. “The man you want, the head of the Ichor cartel is Gabriel Hunter,” I breathed out unsteadily.

Sentry jerked back with shock, but Hendrik held me tighter. “Are you sure?” he asked.

I nodded my head and buried it in his throat. “I’m sure. When they took me, Jude was there and he called Hunter ‘boss’.”

“Cuff him and put him in a room,” Sentry said quietly to someone.

“W-what? You can’t be serious. Hunter works for the Justice Department. There’s no way he’s . . .” someone choked out in disbelief.

“Do it or I’ll have your badge,” Sentry overrode with a tone that couldn’t be refused.

“I remember him saying that I was the second girl . . . what if Katia was the first?” I cried out.

“No, the drug wasn’t found in her system,” Sentry protested.

“Wait a minute, when was she admitted into the hospital?” Hendrik asked slowly.

“Oh, God, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before,” I bit out.

“What?” Sentry and Hendrik asked together.

“Katia told me she woke up on the side of a road near a power station. She walked back home. She didn’t tell anyone what had happened to her. The next morning Dahlia found her and forced her to go to the hospital,” I said with horror, slowly piecing it together.

“So, the reason why we never realized she was connected to all this was because by the time she was admitted, the drug had left her system,” Sentry said with wonder.

“Oh, my God, Emerson, are you okay?” I heard Laurina yell from across the room. Lukas was next to her and he looked really pale.

She bent down beside me and tried to hug me, but it was awkward because Hendrik already had me in his arms. “I remember everything,” I told her.

“I’m so sorry,” Lukas said from behind him.

I looked at him in shock not knowing what he was sorry for. Was he sorry for acting like a dick toward me this whole time?

“I’ve been lying to you, but if you remember, then it’s safe to tell you the truth,” he whispered.

“Lukas, what are you trying to say? Is this what you’ve been hiding from me?” Laurina asked.

“Hendrik, can you let go of me,” I whispered. I was pretty sure Laurina needed me right now.

“No, I can’t, because if I do I’m going to go and find Hunter and I’m going to kill him. So you need to let me hold you,” he whispered back.

“Yes,” Lukas said, wringing his hands. “The first thing you need to know is that the surname I have now is my mother’s maiden name. My father is Gabriel Hunter,” he wrenched out.

Hendrik began to release me, but I held onto him. “Wait, let him talk,” I begged.

“I was there the night you were . . . hurt,” Lukas gulped. “But I wasn’t meant to be. At the time my parents were still together, and my father had become increasingly violent, out of nowhere he began to change. He kept on leaving at odd times. So, one night I put a GPS tracker on his phone and I followed him. When I realized he was heading out deep into the woods I stayed back and parked my car off the road so it wouldn’t be found. I decided to follow his coordinates on foot. When I got there, no one was there, but I saw footprints on the ground, and an off-beaten walking track so I decided to follow it. And at the end of it, that’s where I found you.

“You were lying on the ground, broken. I didn’t want to touch you in case I made you worse. I knew you were still breathing, I tried to wake you up but you didn’t,” Lukas whispered, his eyes honing in on mine. And the horror in his made me flinch.

And then it hit me. The disembodied voice urging me to wake up . . . that had been him! “I heard you telling me to wake up! But when I did you weren’t there,” I said.

“I had no cell service, so I left you and I ran back to my car. I called the police from the nearest pay phone,” he said with self-disgust. “I didn’t want to risk calling them from my phone in case they tracked me down.”

“She could have died,” Laurina yelled, flying at him.

Sentry put his arms around her and separated them.

“I’m sorry, Laurina. I was scared, I wasn’t thinking straight,” Lukas defended. “I’ll testify against him, I’ll do whatever you want.”

“You’re an accessory after the fact to Emerson’s rape and assault,” Hendrik spat out.

“No,” I got out. “Don’t punish him. He could have left me there to die but he didn’t. The sins of the father are not the sins of the son. If he testifies I don’t want you to charge him,” I said, turning to Sentry.

He nodded his head, “Fine, I can make that deal but if he goes back on his word I won’t hold back,” he said to me. Then he turned to Lukas. “Colton will take you to another room and take down your statements.” Lukas took a look at Laurina but she refused to meet his eyes, and then followed Colton out of the room.

“I’m going to go and personally interrogate Hunter,” Sentry said, also leaving the room.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, Emerson, I swear,” Laurina said, holding onto my hand very tightly.

“I know, it’s not your fault,” I said squeezing her hand gently.

The live feed changed, showing Sentry entering the interrogation room.

“You shouldn’t watch this,” Hendrik said.

“No, I need to,” I refused, not taking my eyes off the screen.

“Stubborn,” I heard Hendrik whisper beneath his breath but I ignored it.

“We know you’re the head of the Ichor cartel,” Sentry opened.

“Was it my son who told you?” Hunter replied.

“Yes and no,” Sentry replied mysteriously.

“You see, I knew he followed me that night, I confronted him about it and he said he would keep quiet if I divorced his mother. So, I did. As much as I don’t like leaving things up to fate I couldn’t kill my own son. And since the dead don’t talk, that means that there’s only one other person it could be,” Hunter said.

“And who’s that?” Sentry said, folding his arms and leaning back in his chair.

Hunter chuckled. “That leaves Miss Monsoon, she’s here, I presume?”

My breath escaped me, in a big whoosh and I heard Laurina gasp beside me.

“She regained her memory, didn’t she? Doctor Fleur told me she couldn’t remember a thing. I stupidly believed her, and Jude told me that when he had lunch with her that she didn’t recognize his face at all. So, that means that I was the trigger. She saw me when I went in to interrogate Jude, didn’t she?” Hunter asked, but really he wasn’t asking because he knew the answer.

God, I felt physically sick. Doctor Fleur was in on this? I’d opened up to her and she had betrayed me the whole time.

“You don’t get answers. Your job is to answer each and every question I pose to you. Tell me about how you took the Ichor cartel out from under Senator Cayne.”

“It was all too easy,” Hunter said, smiling darkly. “He was reckless, he had power, but what he didn’t know is that real power is having people fear you when they don’t even know your identity. His wife came to me in confidence, she told me she wanted out, and I told her the only way she wouldn’t be hunted down is if he died. I told her I was willing to help her if she helped me in return. She turned Jude, got him to work for me. He was Senator Cayne’s most trusted adviser. He betrayed him. I convinced him to get the drug shipment to come in earlier; we hid it away in a warehouse. I knew all about how the FBI was going to ambush the Ichor cartel so I let it happen. You see, it helped me because I didn’t have to lift a finger, your men killed those who were loyal to Senator Caynes, and those who were loyal to Jude laid in wait and slaughtered your men. Senator Caynes was called away due to an important meeting because I didn’t want him to die just yet.”

“I gather the right time was when you sent him to me in pieces,” Sentry said in disgust. But I could see the flickering vein in on his forehead. Hunter was getting to him.

Hunter laughed. “I would have sent him to you just dead, but his wife wanted her revenge against him. I couldn’t deprive her of that pleasure. So, you see, Jude took over in the eyes of the Ichor cartel, but really from the shadows I was the one pulling the strings,” he said with glee. The pride in his voice was unmistakable.

“Tell me about this new experimental drug,” Sentry ordered.

“I got a tip from an unknown source about an organization producing the drug. It was in its experimental stages, and the side effects were horrific, but its possibilities were endless. I looked into it and found that its side effects were what I was most interested in. Its short-term effects were reported as temporary paralysis of the body but retaining consciousness of the mind, and its long-term effects were memory loss. I saw the opportunity for this drug to be used to expand the Ichor cartel’s empire. I wanted to provide a sex trade business in which only the elite clientele could fulfill their darkest, sexual fantasies with whomever they wanted, at no risk of being caught because the victim wouldn’t remember a thing. So publicly, I made a show of shutting down the organization, while in private its employees began to work for the Ichor cartel.”

My mind thought back to my assault and I began to shake uncontrollably. Hendrik tightened his arms. “We should go,” he encouraged.

“No, I’m okay,” I said, even though I burrowed deeper into him.

“So, Miss Monsoon, was she one of your experiments?” Sentry spat out.

“Yes, but she wasn’t the first. Katia Smith was,” he shared smugly. “Her sister offered her in exchange for drugs. She was a drug runner for me, she knew all about my expansion plans. She knew I wanted subjects, so she gave me her own sister, said no one would miss her if she went missing. But then she started feeling guilty, I couldn’t have her ruining my operation, so I had her drugs poisoned,” he said conversationally.

I jolted, my head slumping forward. I gagged but nothing came out.

“Emerson, we’re leaving,” Hendrik yelled at me.

“No, I have to know what happened to Katia,” I yelled back.

“But the experiment went wrong, didn’t it? Because she began to remember, her death was ruled a suicide, but that was a lie, wasn’t it? You said Doctor Fleur worked for you, that she was your eyes and ears,” Sentry whispered ugly.

“Yes, she was very, very loyal to me. She even installed these practically invisible to the eye cameras in both Katia and Emerson’s room, which was how she knew Katia had remembered everything. I asked her to get rid of Katia and to make it look like an accident and she did. She pushed Katia off the roof,” he delivered calmly, like a knife to my chest.

I had to get out of here. I didn’t want to listen anymore. “Okay, I’ve heard enough, let’s go,” I said. I stood up with Hendrik at my back and Laurina on my side. The exit was in sight and each step closer, made it easier for me to breathe.

“Cressida Sask didn’t just happen to accidentally fall in love with Jude three weeks ago,” Hunter taunted.

I paused, and Laurina and Hunter stopped, too.

“Did you know that Henry Monsoon kicked her out from his own home because he found her doing drugs? You see, that’s how it started out. Then when she couldn’t pay her debts, she became a drug runner. After that she rose up the ranks, working right under Jude. When I took over, I trusted Jude, but I didn’t trust her. I said she needed to prove her worth. At the time I believed that the drug was working on Katia. She hadn’t shown any signs of regaining her memory. I had a client lined up. He wanted me to find a woman who looked like his wife. And I found that Emerson looked just like her. I told Cressida that if she wanted to prove her loyalty to me then she had to give her daughter up. And she did.”

“He’s lying,” Laurina said. “Ignore him.”

No. He wasn’t, because Liliana had told me that it was my mother who had suggested to her that we got to Salazar’s. And that was where I’d been taken.

Whatever little control I had left slipped away. My head ached brutally, the pain so intense like a staccato drum in my head. I was struggling to breathe and even though Hendrik and Laurina were trying to calm me. I couldn’t calm down because I didn’t want to fight it. My own mother had done this to me. I closed my eyes, completely and utterly broken, and let myself fade away.

THE DOCTORS TOLD me that Emerson wouldn’t wake up for another hour, so here I was at Mikhail’s door. I couldn’t put off telling him any longer. And I couldn’t tell him about his brother over the phone.

Before I could even open the door it was pulled open.

“What’s taking you so long to knock on the door? I was watching you on my security feed,” Mikhail said laughingly.

“We need to talk, and it’s not good,” I said. I watched the smile fall from his face, and the lights in his eyes diminished.

“Come in,” he said apprehensively.

I walked past him and went straight for his liquor. I took off the lid of the decanter, and poured some scotch for him in a glass and filled another for myself.

“So, it’s really bad,” Mikhail said, taking the glass from my hand and downing it in one go. I followed suit.

“It’s about your brother,” I said, hissing from the intensity of the scotch. “Four months ago he told me he wanted out of the Valentijin mob. And while he did this he wanted me to make sure you stayed away from him.”

“I got the message when he put a gun to my head,” Mikhail said with a scowl. “And I don’t believe you,” he said with disbelief.

“Well, it’s true. I came to him with a plan to help him get out, and it involved the FBI. I negotiated his freedom for his cooperation. He knew the only way he could get out was if he got rid of the Valentijin board. So, I proposed a way for him to take out them and the Ichor cartel at the same time. They had a meeting, the FBI turned up and ambushed it as planned. But your brother . . . he didn’t make it. He died in the crossfire,” I explained.

“No,” Mikhail said, shaking his head, “I don’t believe you.”

“Nikolai told me that if he didn’t make it that he wanted me to tell you that he was proud of you, and that he was going to clean up his act so he could be the kind of brother you’d look up to.”

Mikhail fell back against the wall and slid down. His head fell onto his knees and his shoulders shook. I bent down beside him and put my hand on his shoulder. I stayed with him until the tears stopped, and then I messaged Jarek and Sev to come over.

When they came I let them in and we all huddled on the floor around Mikhail. We drank shots and toasted to the memory of Nikolai.

When the hour was almost up, I stood up. There was one more thing I had to do. “We came together for a cause, to help out people for a price they were willing to pay. But I can’t be the Leverager anymore. Emerson needs me and so does Micah. So, from now on I’m out. The mantle falls to the three of you,” I said.

“We knew this was coming,” Jarek murmured.

“It’s not the end of us, it’s just the end of you giving us anymore orders,” Mikhail added, with mock relief.

“We understand,” Sev said.

“Helvete!” Mikhail said, mocking me, “this is getting too sappy for my liking!” I looked at him, he looked at me and then we both burst out laughing.

I OPENED MY eyes, wincing at the pain in my head. The first thing I laid eyes on was the white wall opposite me. I remembered about my mother and what she’d done to me and the pain radiated through me.

I closed my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing, when I felt a little hand take mine. I opened them again and saw it was Micah.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “There are sixty seconds in a minute. Count them down and you’ll feel better. One, two . . .” he began. By count four I’d joined and, and by the time we got to sixty my breath had evened out.

“Micah, where am I? And what are you doing here?” I asked, sitting up.

“You’re at Hale Institution. And a nurse let me in, she told me you were here,” Micah said with worried eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said squeezing his hand.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up, Älskling,” I heard Hendrik say as he walked in. My heart stopped when he noticed Micah was in the room with us.

Micah froze, and he blinked his eyes. Then he let go of my hand and ran toward Hendrik. He hugged Hendrik’s knees so hard he went back a step. Hendrik looked at me with wet eyes and his relief was staggering. He bent down and hugged Micah to him.

“I’m so sorry, broder, I’m so, so, sorry,” Hendrik said, rocking him. Micah’s small body shook in his arms, and I started to cry when I realized he was crying. I got up out of bed and hugged them both, and the three of us cried but in the best kind of way.

Two months later

PROFESSOR EDWARDS HADN’T failed me like I thought he would. I told him about what had happened to me and why I could no longer treat Micah and he told me he would grade me on my existing efforts. Also, he said that for the duration of the program that I had to be my own patient.

And he was right. I voluntarily, signed myself up to stay at Hale Institution where I dealt with losing Katia all over again. I also dealt with the fact that my mother had betrayed me. But mostly I dealt with the memories of my assault.

Hendrik had visited me each and every day, bringing along Micah. Sentry had come through with his side of the deal, and Hendrik now had full custody of Micah.

It was my first day out of Hale Institution and I knew exactly what I wanted. And who I wanted. And nothing and no one was going to stop me. Hendrik had dropped off Micah at school before he picked me up and took me to his apartment.

I led him to his bedroom and he paused, not stepping over the boundary line. “Are you sure?” he asked with trepidation.

“I decided to learn some Swedish during my convalescence,” I said, ignoring his heart-warming look. “I read online about this beautiful Swedish proverb: Älska mig när jag minst förtjänar det, eftersom det är då jag verkligen behöver det,” I quoted.

“Translated, it means love me when I least deserve it because that’s when I need it most. Hendrik,” I said lifting my hands to his chest. “You’ve loved me when I was at my weakest, when I needed it most. I want to love you at your best,” I said, kissing his cheek. “And I also want to love you at your worst,” I said, kissing his other cheek. “I want to love you in all the in-betweens and all the other times,” I said fusing my lips with his.

He ended the kiss, and I looked away, not sure I could endure another rejection from him. So, I was looking down at the floor, and the meaning didn’t escape me when he took one step, then another over the boundary line, effectively breaking the peace treaty. Then he closed the door behind us, closed all the blinds and made sweet love to me. It was so sweet I cried, and when I did he kissed away every tear and whispered, “Mitt hjärta, min skatt, mitt liv, mitt allt.” When I told him my understanding of the Swedish language didn’t extend beyond my newly learned proverb and his extensive use of swear words, he shut me up with a kiss. Then he drew his mouth to my ear and whispered, “In English, it means my heart, my treasure, my life, my everything.”

And I cried again.

Six years later

“SO I KNOW you’ve heard from me about a thousand times about how I’m a social worker, so I’ll just skip and get to the interesting part. Katia, this is baby Talia, Hendrik and I officially adopted her today. If you were still alive you would be her godmother, but since you aren’t, Sev, Jarek, and Mikhail fought over it, and we eventually came to an agreement. They’d equally be her godfathers down here, and you’d be her honorary godmother looking over her from above, in the sky.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she knows all about you,” I said as I laid a yellow lily on her grave and another one on Evelina’s beside her.

Talia gurgled in my arms, and I brought her to my neck and cuddled her. Hendrik had his arm over my shoulder, and Micah was hugging my side. “Until next time,” I whispered, as we turned around together, and even though the wind carried away my words I knew Katia knew I would be coming back. Just like I always did.

THE END

Thank you to everyone that has supported and encouraged me to keep on writing. Thank you Mum, Dad, Martie and Dimity. Thank you Mary for buying all my books, and to George (no I didn’t include your guinea pigs in the storyline – but maybe next time).

Linkin Park (feat Kiiara) — Heavy

The Script — Flares

Bastille — Warmth

Labrinth — Earthquake feat Tinie Tempah

Andrew Belle — In My Veins

Goo Goo Dolls — Iris

OneRepublic — Let’s Hurt Tonight

Switchfoot — Dare You To Move

Sia —We Can Hurt Together

Peking Duk — Take Me Over

Landon Pigg —The Way It Ends

The Weeknd — Angel

London Grammar —Big Picture

Matt Corby — Resolution

Joe Moore —Symphony