Small Town Love

The Small Town Trilogy

Alison Ryan

Copyright © 2017 by Alison Ryan

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Contents

Don’t forget!

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Don’t forget!

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THE SMALL TOWN TRILOGY is a series where the conclusion and ending will be in the final book. Hope you enjoy this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

“In a small town, past and present stand side by side, almost too close to tell the difference.” –Terry Teachout

1

There was no place to go. Not really.

I had left the house and the big revelation behind for a moment. I needed space to think, air that was my own to breathe. It was the first and only time that I could remember where my grandma was on the other side of a wrong. Because to have kept this big family secret from me was wrong. There was enough to be in the dark about in my life. She knew that but had kept me in that oblivious place anyway.

I also didn’t see the point of it. Had I known about Bennett, my mother’s actions over the years would’ve made a whole hell of a lot more sense to me. Maybe if I’d known, she could have stopped running. I liked to have thought I could bring new meaning to her life- I might not have felt like such an albatross she had to carry around. My mother always had a way of making me feel guilty for existing. Now I could see that she had only been trying to cover up her own mess.

I walked over to the trees between Grandma’s house and the Holts. I could see the Holts eating dinner in their dining room. Rhiannon was with them, of course, and they were laughing over something Mr. Holt was saying. Mrs. Holt was scooping out mashed potatoes onto everyone’s plates. They lived free of the knowledge I now had. I envied them in that moment.

I climbed onto one of the lower branches of an oak and straddled a large limb, letting my legs dangle. My flip flops fell off, but I didn’t care. The sun was slowly setting behind the clouds as I pondered what the hell I was supposed to do with the information thrust upon me.

I sat there for about ten minutes, peeking in on the Holts and Rhiannon from time to time. They were eating dessert now, some kind of pie.

Suddenly, I heard Grandma’s front screen door open and swing shut. Expecting to see my melodramatic mother fleeing the latest scene, I was surprised to see Grandma standing on the porch looking around.

“I’m over here!” I called from the tree.

“I’m comin’ over,” she said, slowly making her way down the front steps.

“No, no, I’ll come to you.” I slid down the branch and jumped down to the soft earth below. I grabbed my flip flops and walked barefoot over to her.

She slowly sat down on the steps, patting the space next to her. Even just this small movement had her out of breath.

We sat quietly for a while as her breathing slowed and went back to normal. She clutched my hand. Mine felt like a baseball mitt compared to hers. Somehow she’d grown tinier in the last day.

“That was a lot to find out,” she said, staring out at nothing.

“That’s putting it mildly,” I responded.

She turned, “I wish it hadn’t happened like that. And you should have always known anyway. But Naomi- your momma- she made us all promise not to tell you. I was afraid if you knew she might keep you away from here forever.” Grandma’s voice cracked for a moment.

I nodded, my anger towards her dissipating. She was probably right.

“It kind of makes things make a lot more sense,” I said. “Her never wanting to come home. The way she is. She clearly hasn’t made peace with it. And for that, I can’t completely blame her. I can’t imagine having something like that over me. Accident or not.”

Grandma nodded, “It was a terrible thing. But it’s part of who we are. It defined us. You knowing about it is like showing you another part of ourselves that we hid for a long time. Thinking we were protecting you from our own pain.”

“But really you weren’t,” I said. “Something like that… For both of you there must be a before and after identity. The person you were before it happened and the person you are after. And I’ve been living with only the after. So in a way, you’re a stranger to me. And that makes me sad.”

Grandma looked at me, surprised.

“Anyone ever tell you how smart you are?” she said. “I had never thought of it like that, but you’re completely on the money. Once Bennett was gone, a part of me was obliterated.”

I looked out at the sunset, “Yeah. I can only imagine.”

“But what you don’t know,” she said, scooting close to me, “is that you were the after, too. I see it as no coincidence that you share his birthday. The day you were born, my heart came back to me. You are a piece of Bennett that God chose to send back, to save all of us. From that day on, I became a believer again. Addie, you are the reason I believe there is something bigger. Because I don’t believe in coincidence. The universe is always pushing you towards your destiny.”

I laughed, “Mom gets her dramatics from you.”

Grandma smiled, “Oh, that’s most definitely true.”

2

Grandma and I both agreed that my inevitable conversation with Mom could wait until tomorrow. Aunt Shayla had given my mother a valium and she was upstairs snoozing away. It was probably for the best.

I could hear Rhiannon and McKenna laughing on her pack porch. After hugging Grandma good night and making sure she got back into the house okay, I walked down the path to the Holts. I needed a night of boozy laughter and hijinks. I hoped Bode Hinton had made good on another alcohol promise.

“Hey, ladies.” I hopped up the back steps and swung the screen door open.

Both girls were sitting on the glider swing, poring over a new edition of People magazine. Prince William was on the cover. LOOK WHO’S A TEEN IDOL, the headline screamed across the page.

“If he wasn’t the future King of England, he’d just be an average guy. There’s nothing exceptional about him,” I said, as they scooted over to make room for me.

“You’re crazy!” exclaimed McKenna. “Look at that face! And his gorgeous hair. He’s still a tiny bit awkward, but you can tell he’s going to be sexy as hell.”

“He looks like his mother. Thank God.” Rhiannon turned one of the pages.

I rolled my eyes, “He looks like a million other dorky freshman starting school this fall. Take away the glamour and what are you really left with? I bet he has the personality of a brick.”

They both shook their heads and kept flipping the pages. I sighed and sat back in the glider, enjoying the sound of the cicadas. Prince William is no Ryan Kidson, I thought.

“How was dinner?” Rhiannon asked. “Did you find out who Bennett is?”

My stomach dropped a bit. I hadn’t planned on really talking about it, but they were both looking at me with expectant eyes.

“Yeah,” I said, reluctantly. “Apparently he’s my mom’s brother. They never told me about him because he died so young and it was traumatic for them or whatever.”

McKenna frowned, “That’s so terrible. I’m so sorry. I never knew your grandma had any other kids. That’s crazy they never told you. He’s your uncle.”

I nodded. I hadn’t actually thought of that. It was weird to think I once had an uncle. If he was still alive he’d be about 27 now. He might even have kids of his own. They would have been my cousins. It was a lot to take in. I don’t know how my grandma had kept it from me for so long. She must have caught herself so many times wanting to say his name or tell me a story about him.

At least now she could.

Desperately wanting to change the subject, I asked, “Did Bode bring any Boone’s?”

McKenna shook her head, her blond ponytail slipping over one of her bare shoulders that were tan and freckled from the sun, “Not yet. He usually comes after ten or so, when my parents are usually asleep.”

Rhiannon was still looking at me, a sympathetic expression on her face. “When are you seeing Ryan again?”

“Yeah, let’s get into this,” McKenna said, sitting up while placing the People magazine on the wicker table in front of us. “You and Ryan. What’s happening with that?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. We just really love hanging out together. He helps me get my mind off things.”

Being that McKenna was often not the most optimistic about my potential relationship with Ryan, it was hard to know how much to tell her. I wanted to say “I’m pretty sure I’m desperately in love with him. His kisses make me do that silly thing that girls do in the movies where they get kissed and one leg goes up. If you find me staring out in a trance there is a 175 percent chance that I’m probably thinking of him. And did I mention his body? Because I could watch him mow a lawn shirtless for the rest of my life and die a very happy old woman.”

Before McKenna could say anything else, we heard the sound of a truck, its radio loud and obnoxious over the sound of the night. Bode Hinton had arrived.

As he stepped out of his red Chevy, I could see him spit something onto the driveway. When he looked up I noticed his chin seemed to be jutting out.

“What’s wrong with his face?” I whispered.

“Oh, he’s dippin’. You know. Tobacco.”

I had never heard of any teenage boy chewing tobacco. I had thought that was something only baseball players did. Good grief, I hoped that was something Ryan Kidson didn’t care for. Bode looked like someone trying desperately to be older and cooler than he was. Like someone trying to put on a pair of shoes that were too big for them.

Bode sauntered up the steps. He wore his same camo ball cap with a fish hook on the brim. Bode had a squirrely face, and eyes that seemed to be a little behind the conversation when he spoke. He was simple, but he seemed harmless.

“Hey, ladies,” he said, lifting his hat in salutation. His hair was dark and curly underneath, matted and sweaty from the heat. He placed a brown grocery bag down in front of us. McKenna leaned in and looked, a smile lighting up her pretty face.

“Boone’s! And Hooch!” she said, lifting a large pink bottle out of the bag. “You never let me down, Bode.”

Bode beamed at the compliment. “Well, it’s what I do best.” He hocked a tobacco spit over the porch railing.

The three of us squished in together on the glider while Bode stood in front of us, leaning against the porch railing. McKenna was drinking straight from the bottle of her Strawberry Hill flavored Boone’s Farm and passing it to each of us for a swig. Bode watched us with a look of wonder.

“Y’all look like a bunch of girls who are up to no good tonight,” he chuckled.

McKenna laughed, “Yeah right. Because there’s just so much to get into in the Rut.”

Bode nodded, “True. I’m surprised y’all aren’t up at Kyle Joel’s house. He’s having a bunch of people over. I’m headin’ over after I leave here.”

McKenna had been holding the bottle when he’d said it. It was as if all the energy was sucked out of her all at once and I’ve never seen someone go from happy and bubbly to completely despondent in such a quick fashion.

“I didn’t know that,” she said, handing Rhiannon the drink. “Who’s over there?”

Bode shrugged, “The usual suspects. Well, except for Jackson and Ryan. They’re home gettin’ ready for some basketball camp they’re volunteering at tomorrow. Maybe that’s why y’all didn’t hear. I think Courtney Showalter and her crew are there. I guess you heard about Kyle and Jennifer.”

My stomach dropped and Rhiannon and I both looked at McKenna. Her eyes were wide and I could see her left leg was shaking a bit.

“Jennifer Ronaldson?” she almost squeaked. I could tell she was trying not to show her emotions. “Kyle and Jennifer are together?”

Bode nodded, “Apparently. She just got back from cheer camp yesterday and he was waiting for her with roses at the airport. Such a Kyle Joel move.” Bode shook his head and laughed, not noticing or perceiving the girl across from him who was flinching at every word out of his mouth.

“So I guess you should be heading over there, huh?” Rhiannon interjected. McKenna was staring down at her bare feet. Bode was completely oblivious.

“Yeah, probably so. Won’t be as fun without y’all,” he said, kindly.

“Bye, Bode.” We all said in unenthused unison.

Bode Hinton stumbled down the steps and back to his truck, spitting tobacco towards the woods on his way out.

As soon as he was out of earshot, both Rhiannon and I wrapped our arms around McKenna, who was now silently crying.

“It’s barely been 48 hours since we were at the lake,” she cried. “How could he already be waiting for Jennifer Ronaldson at the airport?”

“Because he’s a dickwad.” Rhiannon said it defiantly, as if there was no argument even possible. I nodded in agreement.

McKenna just cried more and I looked over her head at Rhiannon who was frowning while rubbing McKenna’s back.

“Who is Jennifer Ronaldson anyway?” I asked. “There’s no way she could be half as great as you.”

“She’s not,” confirmed Rhiannon. “She’s part of the evil trinity. Rachel Lawson, Courtney Showalter, and Jennifer Ronaldson. Rachel’s the beauty, Courtney’s the brawn, and Jennifer is the dumbass.”

I laughed and immediately felt bad, being that McKenna was sobbing in my lap. But even McKenna chuckled at the reference.

“She really is supremely stupid,” McKenna agreed.

“She once asked the teacher where the state of Chicago was,” Rhiannon said. “This was not in elementary school. This was last year in 10th grade history.”

“She doesn’t have to be smart,” said McKenna, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. “She’s got big boobs and beautiful hair and she has a reputation for giving good head. Basically, she’s the average teenage guy’s dream girlfriend.”

“If I was a guy, a girl not knowing that Chicago was a city would make me lose my boner permanently,” I said. Rhiannon laughed.

McKenna shook her head, “That’s why you’re a girl. Because who someone is matters to you. But to guys it doesn’t. All that matters to them is that you’re hot and always willing. And at the lake the other day I failed the test. So he moved on to the girl who will. But he could have waited a few minutes at least. And I mean Jennifer Ronaldson of all damn people!” She started crying again, leaning into my shoulder.

I didn’t say it out loud, but I thought that maybe it wasn’t that all guys wanted dumb, sexually adventurous girls. Just guys like Kyle Joel. But what did I know?

* * *

It took us less than an hour to consume all of the alcohol Bode Hinton had brought us. Even then, the buzz was weak. Maybe even imagined. All Rhiannon and I wanted to do was somehow cheer McKenna up. Because from our point of view, she had lost nothing. Anyone with eyes could see that someone like McKenna Holt was many tiers above the likes of someone like Kyle Joel who had a Big Johnson bumper sticker on his Jeep.

But telling a girl they’re better than the guy who rejected them doesn’t do much. After all, if she was the better of the two, shouldn’t she be the one doing the rejecting? Of course. It was pointless to go on and on about it. So we drank instead.

As the cicadas sang, and McKenna rehashed the day at the lake to Rhiannon for the twelfth time, my mind wandered to Ryan. I wondered what he was doing at that moment. Did he think of me as much as I thought of him? Probably not since that would mean he thought of nothing else, something I found hard to believe.

As McKenna finished talking, we were all quiet for a moment.

“What’s the story with these girls anyway?” I asked, breaking the silence. “What’s so damn great about Rachel, Courtney, and Jennifer? You two are beautiful and funny and great. And why aren’t you friends with them anymore?”

McKenna and Rhiannon looked at one another.

“It’s your story to tell,” Rhiannon said, nodding at McKenna. “We’ve got all night. Regale her with the saga of The Bitch Brigade.”

McKenna sighed. She held the large empty glass bottle of Boone’s in her hand. Her finger nails were polished a dark teal color. The paint on her thumb nail was chipped.

“I guess you should know,” said McKenna. “Most people don’t bother to ask. They just assume that the worst story is always the true one, because doesn’t that just make it more fun?”

I nodded, “So, this is a famous story I’m about to hear?”

“Only the kind of famous that would be defined in the Rut,” McKenna said, placing the bottle next to her legs on the porch floor. “Rachel Lawson and I used to be best friends.”

McKenna pulled her legs up to her chest on the glider, staring out at the woods between her house and mine. She continued, “I’m ashamed to admit this but it was something I used to be ridiculously and stupidly proud of. I thought I was pretty cool being the right hand gal pal of the most popular girl in the 7th grade. That’s about the time people really start segregating themselves according to status. In elementary school my best friend was Rhiannon, of course. Rachel moved to our town in 5th grade from Richmond. She was just this mesmerizing presence. Everyone was in awe of her Pantene commercial hair and her Guess brand everything. She was like a celebrity or something. Even in middle school she got invited to high school parties. It was nuts. Being around her made you feel that same kind of famous by association. But Rachel also comes at a cost and that cost, unfortunately, was my friendship with Rhiannon.” McKenna looked up at Rhiannon, who sat quietly by her side. She reached over and squeezed McKenna’s hand.

“It’s okay,” Rhiannon joked. “You were blinded by small town fame. I would have slowed your popularity trajectory.”

McKenna rolled her eyes, “I’m glad you have a good sense of humor about it, because I’m still completely mortified by how I treated you. Anyway, by 8th grade it was Rachel, then me, then Courtney, and Jennifer Ronaldson went to fat camp and got skinny the summer before 8th and suddenly also had huge boobs, so she became one of us too. We were something out of a terrible ‘80s movie. We were like girl versions of James Spader’s character in Pretty in Pink. Maybe worse, actually. We made Heathers look like a cheesy episode of Full House. We were drunk off our own coolness but it was all precariously tied to Rachel Lawson’s approval. Each week one of us was threatened with exile. It was our worst nightmare. I didn’t have it so bad, being the closest to her. Poor Jennifer had it the worst. She was constantly being reminded of her past as a fat girl. Jennifer couldn’t even eat in front of Rachel for fear of being gutted over her choice of eating a slice of pizza over a limp salad from the cafeteria.”

I shook my head, “Why the hell would any of you put up with this shit?”

McKenna shrugged, “It was just the price you paid to be in with Rachel. Sure, it sucked. We were essentially bullied, and maybe if we’d banded together and stood up to her, it would have been different. But, sadly, it was one of those things where the motto was ‘As long as it’s not me.’ Besides, every girl in school wanted to be in our crew. We knew we were all completely replaceable while Rachel Lawson never would be. She set the trends, she made the rules. We had to live by them.”

I sighed, “I can’t even imagine. There’s just no way I would allow someone that kind of control over my happiness.”

“You say that,” McKenna said. “But you might be surprised. I look back and say the same thing, but I also remember what it was like to walk into a room and have everyone look at you. In a great way. It felt good to be envied. There was a power in it. It made everything seem more exciting to be in on something that everyone wanted. So high school started. All four of us were nominated for Homecoming court. Rachel was with Ryan by then. They started dating the summer they were junior lifeguards together. None of us had boyfriends, but it wasn’t like we couldn’t if we had wanted them. I guess, in that sense, we were just behind. I ended up going to the dance with a senior from the football team who barely spoke to me. But I still got to say I went to Homecoming with an upperclassman. Even though I had a terrible time, it looked like I had the perfect life. And that was all I cared about, was how it all looked.”

I cringed at the thought of Ryan being with someone else. I couldn’t help but think of this faceless girl, Rachel Lawson, with her arms around his neck slowly dancing to a Jodeci song. No matter how this story ended, I already hated her. Which I knew was petty, but show me a sixteen year old girl who isn’t.

“So anyway, the beginning of 9th grade is fine. But over Christmas break Rachel and Ryan got in some kind of argument over him not wanting to go to a party that was being held by some prior year seniors who were home from college for the holidays. And I don’t blame him. There’s nothing more pathetic than people who have already graduated high school having a party that current students at their high school would be attending. The whole thing sounds so stupid to me now, but at the time I of course acted like I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t go. So Rachel asked me to go, because Courtney was traveling to DC to sing in something with choir and Jennifer had a cheer thing. Of course I was thrilled to go and lied to my parents about spending the night at Rachel’s when really we were going over to a party in Wildwood Manor to get drunk and hang out with boys that had no business hanging out with us.”

I thought about what I was doing my freshman year of high school. Even being in Las Vegas, my life had been pretty tame. My friend Marisol and I had probably been watching SNICK on Nickelodeon and painting one another’s nails from make-up and Urban Decay nail polish in her older sister’s Caboodle. Drinking and boys were something far away in our futures.

McKenna went on, “So we get to this party. It was a mess. It seemed like the entire world was there, in this tiny little split-level house. Everyone was drunk and loud. As soon as we arrived, all eyes were on us, the fresh meat of Rutledgeville High. But even then, I had a bad feeling. It was like my intuition knew what was going to happen before I did. I wanted to go home, but of course Rachel was in her element and immediately started taking shots with some girls from the dance team. She got really sloppy, really fast, and sat in this guy’s lap, a guy who was two years out of the Rut, which meant he was almost 6 years older than her. Everyone was staring at Ryan Kidson’s girlfriend sitting in the lap of this college guy. So I pulled her off of him and we headed towards the kitchen. She was drunk and pissed off at me and had no idea really what was happening around her at that point. She pulled away from me and walked away. Fine. I decided to just wander around until the party inevitably either ran out of alcohol or got broken up. I sat on a couch and just observed the people around me. Ironically, Kyle Joel was there with his older brother doing his first keg stand. So that was funny. He was still so scrawny and short. He looked like a little kid. Anyway, I glimpsed Rachel being taken by the hand upstairs by the college guy. I didn’t know if I should follow her to make sure she was okay, or just leave her alone. But something told me I needed to follow her. I mean she was fourteen. And I’ve seen enough Lifetime movies to know what’s up.”

I sat, riveted, waiting for the rest. McKenna picked up the empty bottle of Boone’s again and turned it over in her hands.

“Part of me wishes I had let her go. But I think it would have been so much worse for her, and despite what happened, I’m glad I didn’t let anything happen to her. Because I get upstairs and I find Rachel half passed out on a bed with two guys standing over her. As soon as I opened the door they looked at me, surprised. It was obvious what was going on, and it made me sick. I pulled Rachel, who was barely coherent, up off the bed and screamed at them to go kill themselves. I took her out to the driveway where, fortunately, Kyle and his brother were getting into their Jeep. I asked them if they could drive us back to Rachel’s house, and of course they did. I think they thought we might invite them over, but Rachel ended up puking over the passenger side window and once they saw that, their interest waned.

“So we got to the Lawson’s mansion which is just on the other side of Wildwood Manor from where the party was. It was about midnight, so her parents were asleep. I thought that was kind of sad that no one was waiting up on her. By this time she was a tiny bit more sober, I think throwing up her dinner and half the tequila shots she’d consumed probably helped her. So we got inside and went straight to her room. And all of a sudden she just started sobbing. Like, really heaving. I was in complete shock. I had never in my years of knowing her seen her show any emotion, especially this kind. As far as I knew, Rachel Lawson was a soulless robot. But here she was, laying on her four post bed in a pile of hair and despair. She started babbling about how much she hated herself. I just sat there listening to her talk about her fear of not measuring up to her parents’ expectations, especially her mother’s, and about how she was sure Ryan would end up being disappointed with her for some reason and then she showed me something I’ll never forget.

“She lifted up her denim skirt and showed me her upper thigh, which of course was golden tan and completely cellulite free. But towards the top of it there were gashes, little cuts. She told me she did them to herself when she was feeling really terrible, that the physical pain alleviated the constant pain inside. After that confession, she immediately passed out and I was left there completely stunned.”

I sat there dumbfounded. That story hadn’t gone where I thought it would go.

McKenna looked up at me, “I know it’s shitty to tell you that. I’ve only told Rhiannon about it. I would never spread something like that around. And honestly, when she told me that, it was the first time I really realized how much I liked Rachel. It was the first time she let down her guard and I felt even more special that she did it with me. I figured it would solidify my position as her VP of Popular Girl Land. But oh how dumb I was.

“The next morning she would barely even look at me. My dad picked me up around 9 am and she didn’t even tell me goodbye. She was cold and short. I figured maybe she was just incredibly hung over. I doubted there was a time in her short life of drinking where she had drank as much as she did at that party. And Rachel could be moody. I figured she would call me later that night and we’d figure out plans for what we’d do over Christmas Break. School was out, so I figured we’d shop and she would have me over for the huge Lawson Christmas Party they had every year. But she didn’t call me that afternoon or night. When I finally broke down and called her, her mother answered and told me she was out with a friend. I found that hard to believe, since I was the only one of her close friends even in the Rut at that moment.

“All of Christmas Break I waited for her to call me back. I also called Courtney and Jennifer to find out what was going on, but neither of them would answer either. By the time school was back in session, I was really nervous. I had a very bad feeling, the same feeling I had when we first entered that damn party. Sure enough, I walked up to Rachel’s locker on Monday and she looked at me like I was some sort of insect she just found on her Cocoa Puffs. I asked her where she’d been and why she hadn’t called me back. She told me ‘I’m not friends with drunk sluts.’ I was completely confused. Courtney and Jennifer also gave me the cold shoulder. Courtney was gleeful about it, but I could tell Jennifer felt bad. She whispered to me in the bathroom later that day that Rachel was telling everyone I had gotten drunk at the Wildwood Manor party and she had to keep me from being date raped upstairs and that I had totally embarrassed myself and her. I couldn’t believe it. I tried to tell Jennifer how it had been Rachel and not me that had been the drunk one but Jennifer wasn’t about to risk her own new promotion in the Rachel Lawson pecking order. And the more I protested, the guiltier I looked. Rachel Lawson didn’t just make the rules. She also got to rewrite the narrative.”

I shook my head, “What a heinous bitch from hell. I can’t believe she did that!”

McKenna smiled, “It was pretty terrible. I was a mess for a long time after that. Pathetically, I kept waiting for her to ask me back, to admit she messed up. It took me a long while to even realize why she had done it. It took a very good friend giving me another chance for me to finally be okay again.” McKenna looked over at Rhiannon and smiled. “Thank God for Rhiannon Lowell.”

Rhiannon straightened up and puffed her chest out, “I really am great, aren’t I?”

We laughed. It was a good, genuine laugh, the kind you can only have with people who really know you. I knew I was behind them both in what they had been through, but even in the short amount of time we’d had together, I felt like they were the most special people I would probably ever have the pleasure of calling true friends.

3

“So, yeah,” McKenna said as we changed into pajama pants and tank tops in her bedroom. “Rhiannon found me eating my lunch in the library one day and asked me what was going on. She’d heard the rumors going around, and wise girl that she was, she didn’t believe them. Or, at least, she didn’t think it meant I should be treated like a pariah.”

Rhiannon smiled, “I won’t lie and say I didn’t get a sliver of satisfaction in knowing she felt what it was like to be me for a couple days. My girl needed to get some humility. But I mostly felt terrible for her. Rachel Lawson really came down hard on the girl who knew too much.”

The epiphany set in. I looked over at McKenna as I tried to squeeze my large butt into a pair of her cotton pajama monkey pants from Delia’s.

“So you think that’s why she came after you?” I asked. “Because she revealed too much? That’s so crazy. I mean, with the knowledge you had, you could have really turned the tables.”

McKenna laughed, “That’s not how it works. First of all, no one would believe me. Rachel would have just said I was lying. In a game of she said/ she said, I would never come out on top. And then she might have had people thinking I was a cutter, or mental case, or worse. No, I knew it wouldn’t matter, and I also knew it was the shitty thing to do. Because even after all of that hell, I still feel really bad for Rachel. Not enough to ever hope for anything but misery for her, but enough to know that even in the place I’m in, I’m still doing a hell of a lot better than she is. And I think she really hates that I know her now. Rachel thrives on being seen as perfect. She gets off on knowing people want to be her and be with her. And I think she figured I wanted to take her place. Something I never wanted. Only Rachel Lawson can pull off being Rachel Lawson.”

We slowly crept down the Holts staircase. I could see a light was on in the dining room, Mrs. Holt typing away at her electric typewriter.

“Wow,” I whispered to McKenna, “Your mom is really dedicated, huh? I mean, it’s pretty late.”

Rhiannon said, “Maybe her and your dad just got busy and now it’s inspired her to write a hot love scene.”

McKenna looked at Rhiannon and made vomiting noises, “Ugh. You’re lucky I love the shit out of you, Rhiannon, because I really hate you right now. That is beyond gross to even think about. Now I feel like I need to bleach the inside of my brain. Thanks a lot.”

* * *

That night it rained. Not the thunder storm kind of rain, just a soft drizzle. McKenna slept on the glider while Rhiannon and I had the cots. Mine was closest to the porch railing and I could feel the mist from the rain hit my cheek. It was the most peaceful feeling, laying on a porch in the summer under a clean cotton sheet that smelled like laundry detergent. It made me forget for a moment what was going on over at my own home.

Maybe I should have stayed and talked to my mother. But the way she had wailed and cried- I just wasn’t ready to deal with talking to her about what was clearly the biggest skeleton in her closet besides my mystery paternity. I just longed for normalcy in the midst of all the crazy. Grandma’s sickness, Bennett, my mother’s drinking; it was all a lot to handle. These new friends of mine were such solace.

And then there was Ryan. I couldn’t believe how much I missed him as soon as he was gone. All I wanted was to have another day like the one at the lake or even the one where I’d been with him while he mowed Mrs. Kent’s yard. It was always so easy with him. Even at the diner, when we had run into Courtney, it had been a funny moment. He didn’t take himself too seriously, but at the same time, Ryan was serious. He wasn’t a jackass like Kyle Joel. He didn’t match the boy he was on paper; high school jock, good looking dream boy who can have anyone and anything. Ryan was so much more than what was on the surface, and I felt like I might be one of the only people in the world who knew that.

And Grandma. Just thinking of her sitting at the kitchen table, tiny as a mouse, eating her scrambled eggs in small bites, broke my heart. I was only here because she was dying. I wouldn’t know any of these people were that not happening. I’d still be in Las Vegas, dealing with my mother’s mood swings, living in a rented house, wondering when my mother would get restless and want to start over again. As grateful and happy as I was to be in the Rut, it was hard to know it was because my Grandma was losing a battle that none of us could help her win.

I looked up at the Holts’ porch ceiling that was painted robin egg blue. The sounds of McKenna’s heavy, drunken breathing echoed around me in tune with the cicadas, crickets, and frogs out in the woods. Rhiannon slept still and quiet, one lithe arm over her chest, the other hanging off the bed towards the floor.

I stared at her and thought about how easily she had forgiven McKenna. It didn’t sound like it had even been hard for her, or even hard for McKenna to accept it. I know their spat wasn’t on the level of Mom driving the car in an accident that resulted in the death of her brother, but it was still something they had to do in order to move forward. My mother’s problems all started with that. My job now was to help her get past it so we could all move on from the thing that had become her undoing.

* * *

Mrs. Holt made pancakes the next morning in the shape of hearts. It was such a mom move and I loved it.

As we poured syrup all over our plates, McKenna started giggling and leaned across the Holts’ pinewood kitchen table.

“Did you guys watch that movie on menstruation in Family Life class,” she laughed, “where the mom wants to teach her daughter and friends about their periods and makes pancakes in the shape of a uterus and fallopian tubes? And then the dad eats them!”

“You’ve talked about this before,” Rhiannon said as she passed me the butter. “I have no recollection of this.”

“I swear to God! We watched it in 5th grade. With Mrs. Hasselberg,” McKenna said, taking a bite from her fork. “How am I the only one who remembers this?”

I laughed as I poured myself a glass of orange juice.

“Addie,” Mrs. Holt said. “How’s Grandma doing? I keep meaning to come over and check on her.”

I set the carton of juice down, “She’s doing okay. Well, I mean… she’s dying. But she seems to be doing better than I would be doing, considering.” I looked down at my plate, willing myself not to choke up. “Hospice is coming next week to set up her room and stuff. We’ll have a nurse.”

Mrs. Holt walked over to me and suddenly I was in her fragrant embrace. She gave the best hugs, the kind the moms give in movies. I could have stayed there all day. Her hair smelled amazing and the blouse she wore felt pleasant against my cheek.

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry,” she said, pulling away and putting my face in her manicured hands. “But I’m so glad you’re here. You’re her Make-A-Wish and best Christmas present all wrapped up into one. It’s going to be so hard, but don’t ever forget that you’ve got the Holts if you need anything. And I mean it.”

I nodded and smiled, “Thank you.”

As Mrs. Holt walked away and back towards the dining room where her typewriter and bodice-ripping plots awaited, McKenna and Rhiannon both looked at me with sad faces.

“What?” I asked, cutting into a pancake.

“I didn’t know about the hospice,” said Rhiannon. “There’s nothing left they can do?”

I shook my head, “Nope. She’s run out of options. At least, the kind that would help. So she’d rather go out on her own terms. She seems… ready.”

“Are you?” asked McKenna. “How do you feel about it?”

I had yet to be asked that by anyone close to the situation. Suddenly, I no longer felt like eating.

“I haven’t sorted that out yet,” I said. “I guess I kind of don’t want to think about it if it’s okay.”

Both of them nodded and we went back to talking about the elusive Family Life video and some other things I can’t remember. My heart wasn’t in any of it anyway.

4

I was dreading going back home, but I knew that I couldn’t put it off too much longer. After slowly getting dressed after breakfast and having a brief conversation with McKenna over whether Jenny McCarthy was actually funny or just funny for a hot girl, I couldn’t stall any longer. It was time to go back home.

When I walked in the door I could see Grandma was napping in the Barcalounger, The Price is Right humming away on the television. One of Bob Barker’s models was showing off a brand new car while wearing a one piece bathing suit.

I hadn’t seen Aunt Shayla’s van slumped in the driveway, and I was hoping my mother was still asleep from her Valium dose or was at least not available. But, no such luck. When I walked into my room, she was actually in there, folding my laundry. She never did that.

“Hey,” I said quietly. Her knees were folded under her. She was wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of cut off shorts. She looked small and young. When I thought about it, my mom was young. She’d been through a lot for someone her age, a lot for anyone that was any age. I really wanted to try to remember that before we had this inevitable discussion.

But it was hard. Because, yes, she was young. Yet it still didn’t mean she got to be so dismissive of people and places. As soon as anything got even a little difficult, she ran. And I would have thought by now she would have figured out that there was no running from things. They were always right behind you, waiting for you to finally stop and accept what you couldn’t change.

Like the past.

She was shaking a tiny bit as she kept refolding a pair of my jean shorts over and over again. Her anxiety made me nervous. It was hard to know you were the more mature person in a discussion when the other person was your parent.

“Hey, sweetie.” She looked up at me, her eyes already watery. “Did you have a good night?”

“Yeah, I did.” I sat down next to her, the mattress creaking under me. “You doing okay?”

She looked at me and the tears were already coming down.

“I’m not that okay,” she admitted. “I’m scared you don’t see me as the same person. That you’ll see me how everyone else in this town sees me. You were the one really important person that didn’t know. I still had this blank slate with you. You weren’t colored by my most terrible mistake.”

I took her hand in mine, “Mom, I don’t see you as the same person. But that’s not in a bad way. Knowing what I know now, who you are makes so much more sense to me.”

She looked at me and I took my thumbs and wiped mascara off both her cheeks.

“I also have this heartbreak for the loss of someone I never knew,” I confessed. “But it was a terrible accident. You made a mistake, yes. A huge one.”

She started to cry and I held her head against my chest, rubbing her back.

“He was the most amazing boy,” she said against my t-shirt. “He would have done amazing things. Bennett was the best of us. I was the one who made all the wrong decisions and he was the one who everyone knew was special and kind. And I killed him!”

The way she said it, that she killed him, was hard to hear. Was it wrong? No. Her actions had resulted in someone’s death. I couldn’t lecture her on forgiving herself when I didn’t know how anyone would come back from that. Especially when that person was someone you loved so much. Her pain filled the room. There was a pressure for me not to say the wrong thing. She was like a Faberge egg in my arms- delicate and breakable if I made a careless move.

* * *

When we came back downstairs, Grandma was waking up. As soon as she saw me, she smiled.

“Hey, angel.” She scooted over in the Barcalounger and I squeezed in next to her. “How was your night?”

“It was okay,” I said. “Boy drama.”

“You and Ryan?” she raised her eyebrows.

I shook my head, “No. Kyle Joel broke McKenna’s heart.”

Grandma sighed, “That’s no big surprise. McKenna wears her heart on her sleeve. And most boys your age are missing hearts of their own.”

“Not all,” I said, thinking of Ryan and the water tower.

Grandma smiled, “Not all. But most. It’s not their fault. They’re thinking with the wrong appendage.”

I looked at her, shocked. She winked at me.

“Grandma, you are so bad.” I laughed, “Seriously. Just when I think I know you.”

“Well, come on now. I was born a long time ago, not yesterday. And the styles might change, the music might be different, but people don’t change. Especially men.”

I laughed, “You missed your calling. You should have your own talk show. Ricki Lake has nothing on you.”

“Who’s Ricki Lake?” she asked. I just laughed again and shook my head.

“There’s the Grandma I know. Never up to date on her celebrity references.”

She brushed the hair back from my forehead and smiled.

“How’s your momma?” she asked in a low voice. Mom was in the kitchen making a sandwich, listening to Jo Dee Messina on the country station.

“I don’t know. It’s hard to tell.”

“Well, let’s be sweet to her, okay? Not that you aren’t always a sweetie pie, but we should both cut her a little slack for a while.”

I laid my head on her bony shoulder. I wanted to ask her something without seeing the reaction on her face.

“Do you resent her?” I asked. “For what happened?”

Grandma sucked in her breath for a moment. I knew it was a hard question, maybe one she hadn’t had to contemplate in a while. Or maybe it was one she struggled with every day. Either truth would be appropriate. But somehow, I knew what she would say before she even said it.

“I do not,” she said. “I resent myself. For not being a better mother. For not realizing what Naomi was going through. I resent Bennett’s baseball coach for insisting on one last practice before their last game of the season. I resent and hate the tree they hit, I resent the rain that morning, I resent the fact that we have to die at all. That we aren’t made of titanium and steel. I resent that we don’t get second chances and I resent that our lives hang precariously by our decisions, the ones that can change everything in a second. But I can’t resent my girl. I just can’t. Because, honey, she resents herself enough. My holding on to any anger towards her does nothing. And above all else, that momma of yours is my little girl. And she loved your uncle. She loved Bennett more than anything in the entire world. The worst punishment she could have gotten in her entire life was losing that sweet boy.”

We lay there for a while, Grandma and I, listening to my mother slap together a turkey and tomato sandwich. Normally, my mother danced while she listened to the radio. But that day there was no dancing, and there was no singing. There was just the sound of life continuing on.

* * *

After lunch, Grandma was tired again. She was getting too weak to go upstairs, so Mom and I set her up on the sofa with lots of pillows and the remote control resting next to her head.

“Just rest, Momma.” My mother kissed Grandma’s forehead. “Shayla will be here in a bit and once she’s here, we’re going to the store. You want anything?”

“I’d love a donut,” she said. “For some reason I am cravin’ one of those powdered ones.”

We all chuckled at such a random but simple request.

“I’ll buy you a whole box of ‘em, Momma.”

Grandma was asleep before we had barely stood up from sitting next to her. We didn’t even bother turning on the television.

“I wish there was an easier way to tape her stories without having to put a VHS tape in the VCR,” I said as we walked into the kitchen together, Mom and I.

“That would be something. Maybe in the future they’ll think of a better way.”

“Maybe so. Then none of us will get anything done.”

Aunt Shayla showed up a few minutes later, waddling into the kitchen with a bag from Rite Aid.

“I picked up her scripts,” she said. “Not that she’ll take ‘em. She seems pretty determined to stop all that.”

Mom didn’t say anything, and I could sense a tension between them.

“Aunt Shayla, we’re heading to the store. Need anything?” I asked.

Aunt Shayla shook her head. “No thanks, Addie. I’m good.”

Mom turned away from the sink where she’d been washing the same glass over and over again, grabbed the keys from a basket on the counter and we were out the front door.

When we reached Grandma’s truck, I looked at my mother over the hood.

“What’s going on with you and Aunt Shayla?” I asked. Mom hit the button that automatically unlocked our doors and I climbed in, waiting for her answer.

She paused for a moment before putting the keys in the ignition.

“Your aunt has her ideas of how things should be done. I think she thinks Momma would be better off fighting this till the end. She also hates that I’m here. Don’t get me wrong, she loves you. But she has never loved me and she can’t let go of an idea she has about me that really isn’t all that true anymore. I think I scare her a bit. And I’m on board with hospice and Shayla really isn’t. She doesn’t understand why her sister is giving up so easily. Even though Momma isn’t giving up. She’s giving in to what is inevitable. But sometimes it’s hard for Shayla to let go of her own plans.”

I looked out the window as we pulled out and onto the long driveway to the main road.

“What isn’t true anymore?” I asked.

“About me? Well, I guess plenty of things. I would hope I’m not the same person I was as a teenager.” She looked at me and laughed, “Okay, I admit it. I’m not the most mature thirty-something. I guess I feel stunted in a way. And that’s no one’s fault but my own, I guess.” She sighed, “This is probably way too mature a conversation to have with my daughter.”

“Maybe so. But it’s the realest one we’ve had in a really long time.”

5

That afternoon I sat on the front porch reading a John Grisham paperback while eating a powdered donut. It was unseasonably cool and breezy for Virginia in late June, and for a moment, I was very content. Mom was inside with Grandma who had woken up wanting to watch her old VHS copy of South Pacific for some reason. She had always been like that though. Grandma could be in the middle of reading, or eating, or gardening, and all of a sudden she would have an idea about what she wanted to do and that was that. Sometimes it was an old movie, sometimes it was a record she’d want to play and discuss, and sometimes it was a knitting project. It was kind of adorable.

Just when I was getting to an especially intense part in The Firm, I heard the rumbling of a truck coming up the drive. My heart skipped a beat. I looked up and immediately recognized that light blue colored exterior and the handsome blonde behind the wheel. Ryan.

I quickly stood up, the paperback falling on the porch floor, opened, its spine cracked. Crumbs from my donut were all over my (of course) navy blue tank top, leaving white trails across my chest. I hastily wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I caught a glimpse of my hair in the window reflection. A frizzy ponytail greeted me along with a sweaty face and more donut crumbs. Sigh.

When he pulled up, I could tell he was excited about something.

“Addie!” he called out slamming the driver’s side door behind him and running up to me. Before I knew it, I was up in the air, enveloped in his embrace, swinging around the porch. I was dizzy.

“Did you just hit the lottery or something?” I asked, breathless. I wanted him to do it again.

“Almost as good. Maybe better,” he grinned. He took my face in his hands and kissed me, hard.

“Oh my,” I let out, and he laughed.

“Sorry. I just missed you,” he said, kissing me on both my cheeks. “Was that too much?”

“Not at all.” I kissed him back and it took at least five minutes of affection to even get to the point of what had him so joyful.

“I’ve been invited to join the Squires,” he said, finally pulling away from me for a moment.

I looked at him, my eyebrows raised. It was clearly fantastic news, but I had no clue what he was talking about.

“Sorry,” he laughed. “You don’t even know what that is. Of course. Who would? But it’s an AAU team out of Richmond. Really big deal. Well, their best shooter is injured. And they have a huge tournament in a couple weeks, the biggest of the year. Anyway, their coach is friends with Coach Marin and long story short, they want me to be their shooter. The Squires! They’ve had guys go on to almost every major program in the country. Duke, UVA, UNC, Indiana, Kentucky, the list is endless. And I get to play with them. This is so huge.”

I hugged him tight, still not fully understanding what it all meant, but his excitement was so contagious, I couldn’t help but be overjoyed. He never looked as handsome as when he was so fully happy.

“This is incredible!” I exclaimed. “What is AAU? Is it for basketball? I’m so sorry if that’s a stupid question, I just want to know everything.”

Ryan shook his head, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, “Not a stupid question at all. It stands for Amateur Athletic Union. It’s basically local teams that are put together that are the best of the best in their region, in almost any sport, not just basketball. But AAU basketball is a pretty big deal. I’m on a team already but being that the pool of players is from a small area, it doesn’t have a ton of chances to be noticed like the Squires do. They get to go to all the big tournaments and this one coming up in Las Vegas is the biggest of all.”

I paused. He kissed my forehead, “Addie, you look so pretty today.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Did you say Las Vegas? As in the one in Nevada?”

“Well, yeah.” He looked at me funny, “You would know, right? You lived there.”

I smiled, “Of course. I’m just thinking about the irony of me leaving Las Vegas only to have one of my favorite people in the Rut going back when I’m not even there anymore.”

“One of your favorite?” he winked at me. “I at least have to be second to Grandma.”

He kissed me then, a long kiss that was so intense we had to lean against the porch railing.

“You’re definitely as close to first as it gets,” I whispered to him, his forehead pressing against mine. “God, I’ll miss you, Ryan.”

I couldn’t help but say it out loud. He kissed me again, shorter this time.

“I’ll only be gone a week,” he said. “Well, longer. I have to go to Richmond in a few days to have some practice time. I wish you could come with me.”

“Me too.” I leaned against his chest, my head resting on a defined pectoral muscle under his white t-shirt.

“You know,” he said into my hair, “I feel like I’ve known you so much longer than I actually have. Is that weird? Should I even be admitting that?”

I looked up at him, “You can admit anything to me.”

“Oh yeah?” he asked, tilting my chin up. “How about I admit that as soon as I found out about it, even as awesome as it is, I was bummed that I would have to be away from you for a week. Kind of silly, huh?”

I answered him with my own kiss. It was the opposite of silly. It was pretty much the sweetest thing a human being who wasn’t obligated to be sweet to me had told me in my entire life.

* * *

We sat on the porch steps for a bit, just talking, when Grandma suddenly came to the screen door.

“Ryan!” she said. “I didn’t hear you pull up!”

I watched his reaction to her tiny frame standing on the threshold. His eyes widened and my stomach dropped. It hadn’t been all that long since he’d seen her, right? Could she really be that much different?

He gently bent down to hug her frail body. She kissed his cheek and gave me a wink over his shoulder.

“How’s your momma?” she asked. “I miss her. Tell her to come visit me soon.”

“I will,” he said, suddenly seeming shy. “She always wants me to tell you that she prays for you.”

Grandma held onto his arm, “You tell her I appreciate that. Addie, have you met Ryan’s momma yet?”

I shook my head, “No, not yet.” Awkward.

Ryan added, “I want her to. Maybe we could have y’all over for dinner soon?”

Grandma looked at me, “Why, I think we’d be tickled to death to eat at your house. Your momma cooks some good food. I don’t know how you keep your physique.”

GOOD GRIEF. I was so embarrassed.

Ryan just laughed, “It isn’t easy. I have to play extra hard and mow a lot of lawns to burn off those kinds of calories.”

“Do you want to come in?” Grandma asked. “I feel so rude not inviting you in.”

“Actually,” Ryan looked at me, “I was wondering if I could steal Addie away for a few. Would that be okay? I can have her home before too late.”

Grandma waved us away, “Of course. Y’all go be young. It only happens once, you know.”

With that, she shuffled back into the house, the screen door closing slowly behind her.

Ryan didn’t say anything for a moment. I wondered what he was thinking. Usually, it wasn’t hard to guess because he’d just say it. But I wasn’t prepared to see that his eyes were filled with tears.

“Addie,” he said, holding my hand. “She’s so small. I just saw her a couple weeks ago. I… I can’t even express to you how sorry I am. Shit, what the fuck? How does anyone believe in God when you see one of the sweetest people in the world so sick?” He buried his head in his hands and then ran them through his hair. “Sorry. I just… I’ve never seen someone so sick.”

It alarmed me, because since getting there the gravity of her appearance and situation had settled on me. I immediately felt terrible and also uncomfortable. I had no idea what to say. Being raised by an emotionally underdeveloped mother had hardened me a bit. When I had been upset about things in life I had been told that things could always be worse. But nothing was worse than this. Or at least, the one thing that was worse was unspeakable. Even if it was also unavoidable.

“Ryan,” I said, touching his shoulder. “Let’s just go somewhere. Wherever you were going to take me.”

He nodded and I leaned over and kissed the tears off his ruddy cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” I said. He took my hand and we walked over to the truck.

“Addie, there’s nothing you should be sorry for. I feel like a doofus, crying like this. My dad sure would give me some shit if he saw me right now,” Ryan opened the door on the passenger side for me and I jumped in.

As he climbed in from his side I asked, “Give you shit for what? Having feelings? Being sad over something that’s sad?”

He squeezed my hand from across the bench seat, “My dad thinks showing emotion is weak. He says women won’t respect a man who cries- that no one respects a man who cries. He’s kind of hit me over the head with that idea since I was a little kid. So he’d probably call me a blubbering bitch right now for crying. And then make me go run laps around the track.”

He put the key in the ignition but didn’t turn it over for a moment. Instead he stared out at the house.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I was just thinking,” he said. “Your grandma isn’t going to make it, is she?”

I looked out the passenger side window, the woods between my house and McKenna’s blurring through my tears.

“No, she’s not. She starts hospice care next week.” I nervously tapped the seat, willing the tears not to fall. “She knows and she’s prepared. It’s the rest of us who aren’t.”

“How could you be?” he said as he moved over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling my head so that it was under his chin. “I feel like it’s happened so fast. I’m sorry I’m not stronger. I was just taken aback. I love Mrs. McCurtis so much.”

We leaned into one another for a few moments. He smelled like grass clippings and deodorant. It calmed me, just being close to him. Tonight when I went to bed I would fall asleep thinking of how he held me in his truck. I would remember that Ryan Kidson was the boy who cried for my sweet grandma. And I would wish that I had told him how wrong his dad was about men and their emotions. What was weak was being heartless and acting like nothing mattered or could touch you. The strength in a man came from being brave enough to show what was inside his heart. And Ryan’s was filled with compassion. Something it sounded like his world needed more of.

* * *

We were quiet as we drove to Juniper Jill’s. Ryan said he wanted to take me out to dinner and then out to the water tower. Unsurprisingly, I was happy to oblige. He could have told me he was taking me to a landfill and I would have been fine with it. I knew it was silly. I was acting like some love struck girl from a Sweet Valley High book. But you had to know Ryan to understand. He was the type you just fell for.

The diner was busy. We had to wait about five minutes for a booth to open up. Fortunately, it didn’t look like Courtney was there, or anyone else Ryan knew. It was kids’ night so there were a ton of families. All the high chairs were being used and the waitresses looked exhausted from cleaning up mess after mess. They deserved every dollar they earned.

The hostess led us to a booth in the corner. When I slid in, I was surprised to have Ryan slide in next to me. It was a simple gesture, but so romantic. It was a very couple thing to do, sitting on one side of a booth. I settled in to the crook of his arm and leaned my head against his shoulder as we glanced at the menu.

“What do you feel like?” he asked.

“French fries,” I said. “Otherwise, I don’t care.”

“You should try their chicken fingers. They’re pretty damn good.”

“Chicken fingers and fries it is. Dinner of champions.” I smiled at him and he kissed my nose. We were so ridiculous.

“I like that you eat,” he said, putting the plastic menu down next to the ketchup and mustard. “Some girls are so weird about that. I’ve never been able to figure it out.”

Rachel Lawson probably ate salad and Diet Coke. She also probably had thighs much smaller than mine, but I didn’t want to point that out and remind him of a reason to love her more than me.

“Well, a girl has to eat,” I said.

“Exactly.”

The door to the diner chimed and I noticed a small herd of teenagers walking through the door. To my utter disappointment, one of them was Courtney Showalter and another was Kyle Joel, his arm wrapped around a cute blonde that I had to assume was Jennifer Ronaldson. My stomach dropped and I suddenly wasn’t in the mood to eat at all.

Ryan shared my displeasure, “Ugh,” he said. “They need more places to eat at in the Rut.”

Of course Kyle spotted us as soon as he walked in. He smiled and waved at Ryan who gave him a nod and a thin smile in return. We could see Kyle talking to the waitress and pointing to the empty booth next to us. She grabbed some menus and led the group in our direction.

“Shit.” Ryan said it under his breath. “Sorry in advance. If they’re assholes to you, we’re out of here.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “I can handle myself.”

“Oh, I know,” he said. “I just don’t know if I can.”

Both Courtney and Jennifer gave me snotty glares. Courtney was wearing those same tiny shorts again. This time with a crop top and clearly no bra. Jennifer wore a form fitting baby doll shirt and khaki shorts. They both had on so much makeup that it made their faces look cakey under the fluorescent lighting.

A couple other guys were with them that I didn’t recognize. Each of them high-fived Ryan, clearly friends of his. They gave me a nod. It was sufficiently awkward.

“Hey, Ryan.” Jennifer turned to look at us from next to Kyle Joel, who was shoved up against her in the booth. “Talked to Rachel?” She said it with a wicked smile.

“Nope. Why would I?” he replied.

“I don’t know. Because y’all dated for like 3 years,” said Jennifer, glancing at me. “And she’s coming back from New York soon. She called me today.”

Ryan shrugged, but I got the hunch that this was news to him.

“Well, we all knew she’d be back eventually,” he said.

“Yeah, duh,” Jennifer rolled her eyes. “But she wasn’t supposed to be back ‘til mid-August and she’s coming back in like two weeks.”

“Why?” Ryan asked. I felt so weird being present for this conversation.

“I don’t know. She said she’s not learning a ton of stuff she didn’t already know. Her agent thinks she’s beyond modeling camp or something.” Jennifer put the emphasis on agent. Like this was supposed to both intimidate and impress me. She had yet to ask who I was. Probably because she definitely already knew.

“Well, good for her, I guess.” Ryan looked around, “I wish our waitress would come take our order.”

Kyle Joel turned around as Jennifer shifted her attention to whatever Courtney was talking about with the rest of the table. He looked at me uncomfortably and smiled at Ryan.

“Hey, man,” he said. “How’s the lawn mowing? The guys told me about the Squires. Are you psyched?”

Ryan nodded, “Yeah. Still kind of can’t believe it.”

“When do you leave for Richmond?” Kyle asked. I felt like sliding down and under the table.

Ryan glanced over at me and squeezed my hand, “Probably sometime next week. We fly out to Vegas week after that and I should be back before August.”

Kyle grinned, “Vegas, man. I’m so fucking jealous!”

Ryan chuckled, “It’s not like I can do anything. It’ll just be basketball and sleeping. Coach isn’t going to let us out. We can’t go in the casinos or clubs. But it should be alright.”

“It’s always like you to play things down, man. You’re still going to Vegas. And can you imagine the scouts? You’re going to be seen by the dudes that matter.”

Our waitress finally came at that moment and we ordered. Before she left, Ryan asked her, “Do you mind if we get it to go? We have to be somewhere.” The waitress nodded and tucked her pen back behind her ear as she walked away. I sat next to him, relieved. I wasn’t sure if I could last too much longer around these people.

Kyle was still looking at Ryan. Ryan gave a sheepish smile and said, “Yeah, I can’t lie. It’s pretty cool to think about who might be there to watch me play. But if I think about it too much I’ll get anxious.”

“Can’t blame you.” Kyle’s eyes wandered over to me. I couldn’t even bring myself to smile at him. I avoided eye contact by pretending the back of the ketchup bottle was intriguing.

“So anyway,” Kyle said. “What are y’all up to tonight? I’m having people over if y’all want to come by.”

“Can McKenna and Rhiannon come?” I asked, looking him straight in the eye. I could see Jennifer turn her head, glaring at me.

Kyle peeked over at a simmering Jennifer and shook his head, “Probably not the best idea. I mean, I love them, but… You know, I invited Jennifer and Courtney first, so…”

“Yeah. You’re right. McKenna has a date tonight anyway.” The lie came out so easily, it shocked even me.

“She does?” Kyle asked. “With who?”

“Some college guy,” I said. “She met him a while back. He’s totally obsessed with her, like most guys are. McKenna has to easily be the most beautiful girl in the Rut.”

Courtney snorted from the other table, “Yeah. Right. More like the biggest slut in the Rut.”

“Beats being the biggest bitch,” I retorted. Both Jennifer and Courtney gasped. The boys at their table chuckled. Ryan took my hand and stood.

“I think that’s our cue to get out of here,” he said. “See you later, Kyle.”

We waited at the counter top seats near the kitchen for our to-go order. Behind us, Courtney was heated. Her voice was raised and Kyle Joel attempted to calm her down, probably so they wouldn’t be asked to leave. All I could make out was, “Who the fuck does she think she is?”

6

“So I guess it’s safe to say,” Ryan said, as we pulled out of the parking lot of Juniper Jill’s, “that there’s no love lost between you and Courtney at this point.”

I had our two Styrofoam containers of food opened between us on the seat. I took a bite out of a crinkle cut French fry and nodded, “You could definitely bet on that.”

Ryan laughed, “I can’t take you anywhere.”

“Well, come on. She really is terrible,” I said. “I couldn’t let her say that about McKenna. Especially around dickwad Kyle Joel.”

Ryan looked at me, puzzled, “What’s so evil about Kyle? He’s not so bad.”

“That’s because he’s your friend,” I said. “But if you’re a girl, he’s a jackass. Sorry. But he is.”

“You’ll have to explain that one to me,” he said, taking a fry.

“Oh, I’ll be glad to.”

It was still light out and it had to be almost eight. That was what was best about summer. The days went on and on.

We parked near the field that belonged to Kyle Joel’s family. The water tower loomed over everything. I wasn’t as nervous this time. We finished our food on the hood of the Ford.

“Damn, I forgot to get us drinks,” Ryan observed. “I suck.”

I shook my head, “Nope. It’s my fault for making us have to leave in such a hurry before a cat fight broke out.”

Ryan laughed, “You’re the only girl I have ever met that could take on Courtney Showalter. It’s actually pretty hot. I love that you have no fear.”

“What’s there to fear?” I asked. “The things that scare me have nothing to do with bitchy high school chicks. There are definitely scarier things in life than Courtney and Jennifer.”

“Good point.”

We finished eating and left the empty containers in the truck as we walked towards the water tower, hand in hand. The sky was streaked with ambers and purples and a light breeze rustled the soy bean leaves that stretched out forever.

“Are you nervous this time?” he asked.

I shook my head, “Not so much. Like you said, if I fall, you fall.”

“Yep,” he agreed. “We fall together.”

The climb up this time was still a tiny bit nerve-wracking, but nothing like it had been the first time. As soon as we reached the top, I scooted my back against the water tower. Ryan joined me and then unexpectedly pulled me into his lap. He was so tall that I felt small sitting on him, his long, muscled arms wrapped around me. Before us lay Rutledgeville, the entire town still at the end of a late June day.

“Wow,” we both said in unison, causing us to laugh. He squeezed me tight, kissing my head.

“So this is so crazy, huh?” he said.

“What’s crazy?” I asked, looking up at him.

“Us. This whole thing. It’s been such a surprise,” he noted. “In the best way, I mean. I just wasn’t planning on meeting someone like you. Actually, being in the Rut you don’t really meet anyone that you haven’t known since pre-school.”

“Someone like me?” I teased. “What does that mean?”

He rustled my hair and laughed, “You know. Someone who isn’t so affected by this town. You have this huge advantage of seeing everything here from an outsider’s point of view. You remind me of what matters. It’s a really good thing, what you do.”

We stared at one another for a moment. It was that pause before the passion, the same kind of pause there had been at the lake. My heart thumped against the inside of my chest. His face was so close to mine and sitting on his lap I could actually feel how happy he was to be with me in that moment.

Before I knew it, we were kissing, the kind of kissing that you dream about, the kind you watch in the movies and wonder if that kind of desire will ever happen to you. My yearning for Ryan was something I didn’t even know I had in me. Yet it was something that existed as certain as my own heart did. There would never be an instant I could be close enough to him. He stirred things in me that seemed ancient and older, things that I thought were further down the road, where I would be a grown-up. All I wanted in all the world was him and I knew that it was the same for him. His mouth slid down to the part of my neck that meets my shoulder. He gently moved my hair as he kissed it, pressing himself against me.

I recognized in that most glorious of moments that I was experiencing the kind of thing I would only get to experience for the first time once. From that moment on, Ryan Kidson would always be the one I first gave my heart to. It was a beautiful thing and bittersweet at the same time. No matter what happened from that day on, with Ryan or with anyone else, it would always be compared to this. For the rest of my life, there would be a small spot in my soul that would forever belong to a boy from Rutledgeville. In the future heartbreaks of my life’s timeline, I would always return to him and remember how much he had mattered.

* * *

When we climbed down from the tower, we walked slowly back to the truck, not wanting any of it to be over. This is the problem with the great things; they are punctuated by an ending. I wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.

“What should we do now?” I asked. Instead of jumping into the cabin of his truck I climbed onto the tailgate and looked over my shoulder at him. I knew it was overtly flirty and unlike me, but I was desperate not to go home yet.

“I guess we should lay in the bed of my truck ‘til the sun disappears for good,” he said.

“Sounds like the right answer to me.”

Fortunately, the mower wasn’t in the back, but there did happen to be some old musty blankets that were covered in grass clippings and dirt. Ryan stood to the side and shook them out before laying them beneath us.

I had never laid in bed with a boy before. Not that the back of the truck was a traditional bed, but it was as close as it came, and suddenly I was shy and nervous. We awkwardly shifted our bodies next to one another in order to get comfortable. The moon hung above us like a picture and the sounds of the woods floated over us like a romantic soundtrack. But I didn’t feel like an ingénue. I felt like there was no way I was pretty enough to be in this situation. I tried to suppress my insecurities by remembering how Ryan looked at me. No matter how I felt about myself, he saw something there. I needed to just go with it.

“So how do you really feel about Rachel coming back?” I asked.

Ryan looked at me, “Why is that even on your mind right now?”

“Because, like you said. This is getting crazy. I climb water towers for you. I kiss you, I lay under the stars with you. And this isn’t just a distraction for me. And if there’s something I need to know, I like to be prepared. I like to know what I’m up against. I don’t like surprises.”

He looked straight up at a sky that was darkening every second. He put his hands behind his head and sighed, “I feel ill-equipped to deal with Rachel coming back. The last time I saw her is when she dumped me. And I thought I had an entire summer to get beyond it and over it. I had plans to stay busy and keep her off my mind.”

My stomach turned. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.

He continued, “But you showed up. And you turned everything in my head upside down. As soon as I saw you at Kyle’s, I knew I was in trouble.”

“You were drunk at Kyle’s. We barely spoke.”

“I wasn’t that drunk,” he said. “I wasn’t sure whether I should approach you or not. And at that point I decided, no, you had enough going on. And a girl like you would be bored with a guy like me anyway.”

I sat up and stared at him, my mouth open.

“Bored? With you?” I said. “Come on, Ryan. Is that a line?”

He sat up too, looking at me, “I swear. Why is that so shocking? You’re exotic and foreign and different. You’ve lived all these places, seen a lot of things. You probably don’t feel like you have but compared to anyone I know, you’re a world traveler. You’re really smart and witty and you have the face of an angel and the body of… well, I won’t go there. I’m a gentleman, but it’s hard to be one when I’m alone with you, let’s just put it that way. You’re nothing like any girl I’ve ever met, any person I’ve ever met, and a guy like me has little to offer other than what’s always been given to me. Which is just this town. This boring, fucking town. Rachel coming back means I have to choose. And I’ll be honest. Before you, I just figured we’d get back together. Which I know is pathetic. But what else is there here? But now I actually have a choice and it scares me. You scare me. How I feel about you, this fast, scares me.”

“Why would you go back to her, even if I wasn’t here?” I asked. “I’m not saying it’s pathetic, I just don’t understand it. She dumped you. And from the things I’ve heard, she doesn’t sound like she’s a very good person. I get it, she’s beautiful. And she’s rich, and she’s the queen of the Rut. But don’t you realize you’re better than that? You could have anyone. Anyone! And the rest of your life hasn’t even started yet. You’re going to Las Vegas and people are going to see you play and doors are going to open, Ryan. This town isn’t the end all and be all. Rachel Lawson isn’t something you have to choose. I mean, why would you?”

He smiled, “I don’t know. Because I’m competitive. And she’s seen as the big catch. And I have to admit, I like knowing I have something everyone wants.”

“You sound like McKenna,” I muttered, laying back down.

“Ah, so McKenna told you about what happened with her and Rachel,” he said, laying back next to me. “I don’t even really know. I’ve always wondered. There’s no way Rachel is telling the truth about it. I’ve known McKenna my entire life. It never made sense.”

“Then you should have stood up for her,” I said, suddenly angry. “No one had the guts to stand up for her and that’s the biggest problem of all.”

“How do you know I didn’t?” he asked.

“Because you’re still with her,” I said. “And McKenna is still an outcast.”

“I’m not with her,” he said, quietly. “Addie, I’m with you.”

I realized we were inches away from one another, yet again. Before I could even think about it, his mouth was on mine and I was underneath him, a position I had never been in before in my life. I always figured I would have no idea what to do in this scenario. But somehow, it came just as natural as anything else I couldn’t remember ever learning.

* * *

When he dropped me off around ten, McKenna and Rhiannon were sitting on my porch.

“Hey, lovebirds!” McKenna called out.

“Hey, dorks.” I said. I turned to Ryan who had a grin from ear to ear.

“Come see me tomorrow,” I said, leaning over to kiss him.

“I will,” he said. “I’ll miss you.”

He waved to the girls before turning the truck around and going back down our long driveway. I watched him leave, sad that our night was over. The back of his truck was now my favorite place in the world.

“So tell us,” said McKenna. “Did you get some?”

I rolled my eyes, “What a romantic way of putting it.”

“Come on, it’s us.” Rhiannon leaned in, “Entertain us. We’re practically spinsters.”

“Don’t listen to Rhiannon,” McKenna said. “She made out with Jackson for like two hours today at the pool. I had to watch her little brothers while she snuck off. So if anyone is truly the old lady who lived in a shoe, it’s me.”

“Well, we did make out in his truck for close to two hours,” I said. “And on top of a water tower. But the truck part was the one I’ll remember.”

Rhiannon and McKenna looked at one another with exaggerated swooning faces.

“I hate y’all.” I pushed myself between them on the steps, “What’s going on? Any plans?”

“Not really,” said Rhiannon. “Jackson had to go to bed early again. So I’m stuck with you losers.”

“And no one in this God-forsaken town wants anything to do with me other than y’all,” McKenna said. “And I couldn’t bear to call Bode and ask for more alcohol so he could tell me that Kyle and Jennifer are engaged, or crazy in love, or whatever other horrible news Bode is capable of unleashing on me.”

“I saw them tonight,” I said. “And I wasn’t very nice. I couldn’t help myself.”

McKenna and Rhiannon both looked at me, slack-jawed.

“Addison McCurtis, tell me everything.” McKenna was practically on top of me.

I told them the entire night’s events, though I did leave out Courtney’s slut comment. No need for McKenna to have to hear that horseshit. Rhiannon was laughing by the time I was done, a big belly laugh that had her on her back on the porch.

“Addie, I seriously love you,” Rhiannon said. “But now we have to pretend McKenna has a college boyfriend.”

McKenna laughed, “You know, only a really great friend will lie her face off to save your honor.”

“Well, he needed to know you’re not just sitting around crying over him,” I said. “Even if you actually are. Which I now, more than ever, think is so stupid. McKenna, he is seriously not that great. And neither are the two thirds of the Bitch Brigade that I met tonight. They wear too much makeup and have the personality of a pair of flip flops.”

Rhiannon was howling now, “Flip flops. Oh sweet Jesus, where did this girl come from? Because I need her in my life forever.”

7

We had a sleepover at my house that night, all three of us jammed onto my double sized mattress. Somehow, I got stuck in the middle. Rhiannon slept with her head at the foot of the bed so a couple of times that night I woke up to her skinny size ten feet practically up my nose. McKenna, on the other hand, slept like a goddess. No weird noises or snoring, and her blonde hair fanned out around her on my pillow.

The next morning we sauntered downstairs in zombie-like fashion. Grandma was laying in the Barcalounger again, but was reading a book and giggled at the sight of us.

“You ladies are a vision in flannel,” she commented, noting our pajama pants. “But boy do I love having y’all here. It’s been a long time since this house hosted a sleepover.”

I walked over to kiss her cheek but I noticed Rhiannon and McKenna stayed behind me. I could tell from their expressions that they hadn’t seen her in a while. They had the same looks on their faces that Ryan had last night.

“Good morning, Mrs. McCurtis,” said McKenna slowly inching over. Grandma threw out her arms and McKenna bent down to hug her. Even as slim as McKenna was, she looked burly next to Grandma.

“Do you want anything?” I asked her. “Can I make you some tea?”

“No, I’m okay, angel.” Grandma smiled, “I ate some fruit. I might take a nap in a while if that’s okay. Shayla should be over in a bit.”

I nodded, “Just let me know. I love you.”

“I love you more.”

The three of us padded into the kitchen. I couldn’t bear to look at the girls so I started going through the cabinets, pretending to look for the cereal when I knew exactly where it was.

When I turned around McKenna and Rhiannon were quiet.

“Which do y’all want?” I asked holding up a box of Cheerios and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

McKenna started to cry, “Addie. She looks so small. I can’t even believe it. She doesn’t come out much, so it’s been a while…”

Her sentence floated away without an ending. I had turned back to the cabinets. What could I even say? I hadn’t known how to respond to Ryan last night either. I wish people were better at hiding their surprise over cancer slowly diminishing Grandma. It was enough that I had to deal with it.

“Yeah. Well. She’s dying.” I said it matter-of-factly. “Dying isn’t pretty or sweet. This isn’t the movies. She’s not Shelby in Steel Magnolias. I wish people knew that.”

“I’m sorry,” Rhiannon said. “We just don’t know what to say, but it seems shitty to just pretend we don’t see it. You know?”

I burst into tears over the sink. I tried to be quiet about it. The last thing I needed was to make Grandma upset. I needed to be stronger than that. I wanted every day that was left to be as normal and perfect as possible. But it was hard when I thought about it too long. What did I have that was solid besides her?

Rhiannon and McKenna were next to me, though neither seemed to know what to do.

“I’m sorry,” I said, grabbing a paper towel from the rack.

“No, don’t be.” McKenna said. “I want to hug you but I also don’t want to annoy you or make you feel uncomfortable.”

I laughed, “You can hug me, goober.”

They both fell forward and squeezed me tight. McKenna smelled just like her mom. Rhiannon smelled like the Gap fragrance, Grass. I had some upstairs, and it was my favorite scent.

McKenna pulled away first, “We need to have some fun today. Rhiannon, do you have plans?”

Rhiannon shook her head, “No. My older sister is visiting so she’s helping mom out with the rug rats today. I told Jackson I might meet him at the mall later. He starts his new job today.”

“Jackson has a job at the mall?” I asked. “That sounds awesome.”

“Yeah he’s working at the new Foot Locker. It’s right next to the soft pretzel place, so that’s a perk. Nothing better than a new pair of overpriced sneakers made in a sweatshop to go with your soft pretzel that’s made by some acne covered Rut grad.” Rhiannon smiled.

“Well, when you put it that way,” I said. “Does he get a discount?”

“I think so. Today’s his first day so he’s kind of nervous. I told him I would stop by and make sure he was surviving.”

“So that settles it,” McKenna said. “We go to the mall!”

“How do we get there?” Rhiannon asked. “I don’t have Big Rhoda.”

As if on cue, my mother bounced into the kitchen. She was wearing a crop top and a navy blue skort that hit about three inches above her knee. She could have easily passed for some bouncy sorority girl. It was embarrassing that my mother could grab attention more than me.

“Hey, girls!” she chirped. “Long time no see.”

I wondered if my mother remembered what a drunk ass she’d been the last time she’d seen McKenna and Rhiannon. If she did, she didn’t seem to be ashamed of it.

“Hey, Ms. McCurtis,” McKenna said. “You’re looking foxy.”

I rolled my eyes, because I knew my mother would eat up the compliment.

“Why, thank you,” she said. “I try my best. Moms can still be cute, right?”

“For sure.” Rhiannon said, glancing at me with a sympathetic look.

“What are y’all up to?” she asked, reaching for a banana on the counter. “Any big plans?”

“Actually, we were thinking about heading to the mall but we don’t have a ride,” said McKenna. I gave her an icy look, but she didn’t catch it.

“Yeah?” Mom looked over at me. “I could take you girls. Addie could probably use some new clothes anyway, right?”

I looked at her, “I’m fine with the ones I have. And who’s going to stay with Grandma?”

“Shayla is coming over in a few. Once she’s here, we can go. It’ll be fun! Girl time!” my mom squealed, clapping her hands. McKenna laughed and clapped hers too. I sighed, exasperated.

“Fine,” I said. “We’ll be on the porch.”

* * *

The thing about my mother is it’s impossible to guess she’s a parent. There have been numerous times throughout my life, starting about the time I was ten, where people assumed she was my babysitter or even my older sister. (Something she absolutely loved.)

Looking at her behind the wheel of Grandma’s truck, you would never guess she was dealing with anything painful. Not that it was a bad thing, it was just always surprising to see how good she was at playing the part. And today’s role was excited teenage friend, off to retail therapy with the girls.

“I don’t like how Gap jeans fit me,” she said, looking at McKenna in the rearview mirror. McKenna and Rhiannon were stuffed in the backseats of the truck sitting on jump seats. I had offered shot gun to both of them but neither had accepted.

“Me either,” McKenna said. “I feel like they’re cut for guys.”

“Totally.” My mother nodded. “Give me Jordache any day. Or Guess. Guess jeans make my ass look good.”

Rhiannon snickered and I pressed my forehead against the passenger side window, contemplating whether I should open the door and just tuck and roll. All teenagers love to have mothers who describe the status of their ass in clothes to their friends.

After what seemed like a thousand years, we finally pulled into the parking lot of Rutledgeville Commons. They had a Dillard’s, a Sears, and a JC Penney. I hoped this visit was short and painless. But knowing how my mother could be when she had an audience, I knew it would be none of those things. She loved to put on a show for me. I think she thought it was her way of teaching me how to be, not understanding I didn’t want to really be anything like her.

We walked through the food court past an arcade and a China Wok. Small pockets of teenagers were scattered across a hundred plastic tables. Little kids ran between chairs and there was a photo booth next to a Sam Goody.

“So where’s the Foot Locker?” I asked.

“Down by The Limited.” Rhiannon leaned over and whispered, “Is it pathetic that I’m nervous just to see him?”

I smiled, “Nope. I get the same way about Ryan.”

“Okay, good. And don’t worry about your mom. She’s a million times better than mine.”

I squeezed her hand back, appreciating that Rhiannon was that friend you never had to explain anything to.

We slowly meandered our way towards Jackson, stopping periodically for either McKenna or my mother to ogle apparel. They both paused at some place called Journeys to decide if they wanted a pair of brown Doc Martens.

“Mom,” I said, annoyed. “You’re too old for Doc Martens.”

Well, it was the worst thing I could have said. Grandma’s voice played in my head (We should cut her some slack) and I tried to salvage the harsh comment by saying, “I mean, you’re just not really the Doc Martens type.”

My mother pouted, “I’m not old.”

“I know, it came out wrong,” I said, trying my best to be patient. “They’re also like a hundred dollars. So not worth it.”

“They would go really cute with one of my long skirts,” McKenna said. “Or jeans. Really, with everything.”

Rhiannon and I sighed, both wanting to keep moving for entirely different reasons.

“Guys,” I said. “Let’s remember the reason we actually came, okay?”

McKenna nodded, but my mother didn’t get it.

“Why are we here, if not to shop?” she asked, picking up a red Converse low top.

“Rhiannon’s potential soulmate works at Foot Locker,” McKenna said. Rhiannon and I both gave her looks but McKenna had found a kindred spirit in Naomi McCurtis.

“Oh, reallllly,” Mom said. “So we’re on a covert mission?”

It was actually kind of funny when you put it that way, because we basically were.

“He just asked me to come by and say hello,” Rhiannon said. “I don’t want to make a big thing out of it. Or seem like a stalker.”

“Here’s what you do,” Mom said. “We’ll stop by. Addie needs to get some new tennis shoes anyway. And even if she doesn’t, she’s getting them. So we’ll distract the salesman and you and Jackson can talk alone for a bit without the awkwardness of having us just standing around. It’s always good to go in with a plan, it looks more natural that way.”

We were all kind of stunned at how much it made sense. My mother actually sounded like she knew what she was talking about. For a moment, it was like she was one of us. Not just an attention seeking mother. But a friend.

So we left Journeys and headed straight to Foot Locker. Sure enough, there was Jackson. He was standing uncomfortably next to a stocky gentleman. No other customers were in the store, and as soon as we walked in the man noticed my mother and was immediately eager to help. She had the ability to attract, that was for sure.

“Hello,” my mother said. Her voice was different now, more assertive, more grown up. “My daughter here needs some new tennis shoes for back-to-school. I was thinking Adidas would be good. Can you show us some? Her friend McKenna was interested in a pair as well.”

“Of course. I’d be happy to help.”

While Mom discussed my lack of arches with the salesman, Rhiannon started talking to Jackson quietly near a rack with athletic socks on it. She kept wiping her hands on her denim skirt, a move I recognized all too well. Boys tended to make my palms pretty sweaty too.

* * *

“Well, that was fun,” Mom said as we walked out. I was now the proud owner of a purple and white pair of Adidas tennis shoes that I’d probably never wear, but which the salesman gave us his employee discount on.

“How’s Jackson holding up?” I asked. Rhiannon turned pink.

“He asked me out on a date. A real one that actually requires reservations,” she said. “He gets his first check next week.”

I wasn’t usually one of those girls who squeals, but even I had to pull out the girly excitement for Rhiannon.

“So not surprised,” I said. “You look especially pretty today, my friend.”

“Thanks.” Rhiannon grinned. “I really like him. A lot.”

As we walked back towards the food court, I saw a familiar face in front of Mrs. Fields buying a cookie.

“Hey, it’s Mike.” I looked over at Mom, who stopped in her tracks as soon as I said it.

There he was. The bartender from The Side Pocket and the man who had once loved my mother. He appeared to be by himself, a mid-30s guy buying a gigantic chocolate chip cookie. Even as young as I was, I figured this was not the kind of situation he would pick to run into his long ago ex-girlfriend.

But there was something so handsome about him, I had to admit. He was a man you could imagine the younger version of easily. I could see why my mother would have picked him.

“Let’s say hi,” I said. Rhiannon and McKenna seemed fine with it, but Mom was immediately reluctant.

“I’ll meet you guys at the car,” she said, but I shook my head.

“That would be so obviously a snub,” I said. “Just say hello. He was your high school boyfriend. You have to.” I pulled her by her arm.

I knew it was probably the last thing in the world she wanted to do. But, for whatever reason, I felt like it was important she do it. Besides, there had been plenty of times she had made me uncomfortable in front of people. Now I got to turn the tables.

And I wanted to see them interact. I had not had the opportunity to see my mother around anyone who knew her like I did, besides Grandma. I was fascinated with Mike. I wanted to know more about him, about them.

He didn’t notice us until we were almost right on top of him. By then it was too late for him to pretend he hadn’t and leave. His eyes were instantly drawn to my mother. He stood there, cookie in one hand, his mouth slightly open in surprise.

“Hey, Mike.” My mother’s usual bravado and confidence were gone.

“Naomi.” The way he said her name was so different than I had ever heard anyone else say it.

“The girls wanted to say hello,” she said, gesturing to us. The three of us gave toothy smiles and little waves.

“Oh,” he said, chuckling. “Hello, ladies. Good to see all of you in a more standard environment.”

“Yeah. We were shopping for back-to-school stuff,” I said, suddenly emboldened. “What are you up to?”

“Well,” he said looking at his cookie. “I was partaking in something I probably shouldn’t be. But I can’t help myself. Sugar is my vice of choice.”

“There are worse ones to have,” observed McKenna.

Awkward chortling followed, and then no one said anything.

“So,” I said. “Any big plans today?”

Mike shook his head, “Not so much. The bar’s closed today, it’s my day off. I was going to just go home and hang out with my dog.”

“Awww a dog,” Rhiannon said. “What kind?”

“A yellow lab named Rooster,” Mike said, glancing over at Mom.

“That’s a funny name for a dog,” McKenna said.

“Not if you know Mike,” Mom suddenly added. “That was his nickname.”

“Mike’s nickname?” McKenna said.

Mike and Mom both laughed. “Yeah,” Mike said sheepishly. “I used to have this really horrible haircut back in the day. It wasn’t quite a Mohawk but my cowlicks would make my hair stick straight up so my friends would tell me I looked like a rooster. That, and I’ve always been an early bird. You know.” He was looking at Mom as he said it, his eyes remembering something.

The chemistry between them was undeniable. Unless I was just imagining it.

“Anyway, when I got my dog a few years back, it just seemed like a great name,” he said.

“Does your wife mind it?” McKenna asked. Jesus. She was as subtle as a flying brick.

Mike looked down, “Oh. Ha. Well, I don’t have a wife. That’s why I got the dog. It’s less lonely and they’re always happy to see you, no matter what.”

Mom cleared her throat, “Well, we should probably get going.”

“Wait,” I said. I was afraid I wouldn’t have this moment again. “So you don’t have plans tonight?”

Mike smiled, “Well. No, I can’t say I do. I mean, I should probably just take it easy…”

“You should come over for dinner,” I blurted. “I bet my grandma would love to see you and I’d love to hear stories about my mom from when she was young.”

“Addison-“ My mother’s voice was sharp. She must have realized how it sounded, because she softened a bit. “I’m sure Mike has better things to do.”

“Actually,” he said, “It would be nice to see Mrs. McCurtis. I like to check up on her and a dinner that isn’t made in a microwave sounds pretty tempting.”

Mom didn’t even bother to argue. It was clear I wasn’t going to settle for no.

“Well, okay then.” He looked at Mom, “Is that alright, Naomi?”

“Sure.” She gave a thin, closed smile. “Why not?”

8

On the ride home, my Mom wasn’t as bubbly as she had been on the ride there. McKenna sat up front and babbled her ear off about chunky loafers versus stacked-heeled Mary Janes. A conversation that would have completely bored me to tears. Rhiannon and I sat squished into the jump seats. We were really too tall for them, but we made do.

“I can’t believe you invited Mike,” she whispered to me.

“Me either,” I said.

“So why did you?”

“Because I want to know more about what my mom’s world was like before me,” I said.

Rhiannon didn’t say anything to that, so I’m not sure if it made sense to her or not. She had the luxury of knowing where she came from, even if it wasn’t an ideal story. Perhaps by knowing more about my mother, I could find a clue that would lead me to understanding more about myself.

* * *

As soon as we got home, McKenna and Rhiannon went over to the Holts. I planned on following them, but Mom stopped me.

“You’ve got chores,” she said. “You need to clean your room and take out the trash.”

I looked at her, “Okay. Since when do I have chores?”

“Since now. Since always. You’re sixteen, you should be picking up after yourself,” she said, flatly.

“Are you mad at me? For inviting Mike over?” I asked.

Mom just kept walking, not answering. As we walked into the living room I could see Grandma was sitting up and watching a movie.

“Hey, y’all,” Grandma said. She looked so happy.

“Momma, we’re having a guest for dinner,” Mom said. “Addie took it upon herself to invite Mike over tonight.”

“Mike?” Grandma asked.

“Yes. How many Mikes do you know?” my mother huffed up the stairs, clearly pissed.

Grandma looked up at me, clearly confused.

“We saw him at the mall,” I explained, sitting down next to her. “It just kind of came out. I want to know him.”

“Addie,” Grandma said. “We’re supposed to be taking it easy on your momma. Remember?”

“How was I supposed to know inviting her ex-boyfriend over for dinner would make her this upset? I mean, it’s been years and years.” I crossed my legs.

“That’s because you’ve never been in love. Mike was your momma’s first love, the most important kind. And the one that’s hardest to move on from. Especially when you don’t face the cause of why it ended.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “It was high school. And it doesn’t take much to piss Mom off. They probably broke up over something completely stupid.”

Grandma shook her head, “You assume a lot, angel.”

I sighed, “I didn’t mean to upset her. I thought she might like to catch up with him. And selfishly, I wanted to get to know him. I mean. What if he’s my father?”

Grandma’s eyes widened, “Is that really what you think?”

My paternity was a topic that had been put to rest long ago. I knew Grandma had gotten nowhere with my mother about it. I certainly had gotten nowhere with her. Bringing it up was akin to hitting your head against a wall over and over and expecting it to stop hurting.

“I don’t know.” I laid my head against the back of the couch. “I just want to know who she is. I want to figure out how I happened. Why is that so unusual? And aren’t I entitled to that? Did she think I would never want to know?”

Grandma reached for my hand. I gave it to her and she gave it a tiny squeeze, “You are completely entitled to that. But I can assure you of one thing- Mike is not your father.”

I turned to look at her, “How do you know?”

“I just know. And if Mike had even one inkling that he could be, he wouldn’t have let that rest. Mike is not an apathetic person. He’s passionate and he loves your momma. There’s no way he wouldn’t have forced his way into your life if you were his.”

“What if he doesn’t know? And what do you mean loves my mother?”

Grandma paused and then said, “I mean loved. He loved your momma. I know he knows because he let her go.”

“Why did they break up in the first place?”

Grandma looked at me. I could tell she was deciding how much she should say.

“Bennett’s death took a toll on your momma,” she said slowly, lowering her voice and staring at the stairs. “When something like that happens, a person can never be the same. She couldn’t be the girl Mike fell in love with anymore. And Mike couldn’t help her. That kind of pain is something unreachable. So she pushed him away. The harder he tried, the harder she pushed. And a man can only take so much.

“Also, there’s something you need to know about the time after Bennett’s death. I hesitate to share it with you because it’s breaching a trust with Naomi, a trust I can’t afford to lose. Not when there’s so little time left.”

I looked up at the ceiling, at the fan whirling above.

“Will she tell me?” I asked.

“I think she will,” said Grandma. “I can’t, but if you nudge her, if you let her feel safe, I know she will tell you. Because you’re the only one she could never run away from. No matter what you think. She did it once and it about killed her. You are her conscience and soul in human form. You’re what kept her alive, angel.”

“I heard her tell Aunt Shayla she should leave me,” I confessed. “So I think you’re wrong. I think she wants to leave. Desperately.”

“Yet she hasn’t,” Grandma said. “And that should tell you everything. What people say and what they do are often conflicting things. Concentrate on what people do, angel. On what they show you.”

* * *

I had told Mike to meet us at the house at six. Around five, Ryan called.

“Hey,” he said. “I called earlier. Did your aunt tell you?”

“No, she must have forgotten,” I said, instantly annoyed at Aunt Shayla. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah! I just missed you. Couldn’t get you off my mind. You have plans tonight?’

“Just dinner with my family but after that, nope.” My heart thumped at the thought of another night in the truck.

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 8?”

“Perfect. Miss you.”

“Me too.”

I hung up the phone, instantly in a daze. My mother stood at the sink behind me, washing tomatoes.

“You should have invited him for dinner,” she said.

“Oh. Maybe another time. I didn’t even think of it.”

“You know,” she said, “You should really be careful with him. Don’t let yourself fall too hard. I mean, we don’t know where we’ll be in a few months.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “You don’t want to stay?”

“I’m just saying, you know. Just don’t get too attached to him. Or anything.”

I rolled my eyes, “Of course. Because getting attached to things makes the part where you abandon everyone so much harder, right?”

She shut off the running faucet, “What the hell is that supposed to mean, Addison?”

“I’m afraid to say. You might slap me across the face again.”

I could tell she was mad, but the realization that her past was showing up in an hour kept her from making a dramatic scene. She just turned back to the sink, “I don’t have time for the bullshit. You have something to say, just say it.”

“I thought I did.”

“Addison, let’s just get through this night, okay? Please? I don’t know if it’s obvious, but I’m anxious about Mike being here. I haven’t spent an extended amount of time with him in almost two decades. So what I need is for you to give me a fucking break. Okay?”

Her shoulders shook and it was one of the few times in my life that I knew the chips had fallen in my favor. My Grandma’s reminder to be kind to my mother rang in the back of my head.

I pulled her forward and hugged her, “I’m sorry. If I had known it would do this to you, I would never have invited him. Honest.”

She pulled back, “Well, I guess it’s my own fault. You don’t know anything about him.”

“I wish you would tell me. Just some basic stuff, nothing heavy. It will help me keep a decent and non-awkward conversation up.”

Mom smiled, “Well. Okay. I can do that.”

“What was he into in high school? Did he play any sports?”

Mom looked out the window above the sink, a dreamy look on her face for a moment, “Oh. Yeah, he played them all it seemed. He was on the football team. And the baseball team. He played second base and hit leadoff. He still holds the record for most stolen bases, I believe. That’s something you can ask him.” She reached for the cutting board and started slicing tomatoes.

“Was he a good student?” I said, stealing a slice of tomato.

“Mike? He was okay. I was the better student of the two of us. It just came easier to me. Mike had to really work at it. His head was just on other things. But he’s really smart. Especially with business stuff. And when he says he’s going to do something? He does it. I always admired that about him.”

“When did you start dating?” I asked. She paused for a moment. I thought maybe she didn’t want to answer but I could tell she was thinking.

“Well, it was freshman year. Actually, right before. His dad was a farmer and Mike had to be up at the crack of dawn to help out with things. One summer morning I woke up really early to go on a run. I used to do that, you know. Running was how I cleared my head and I was really nervous about starting high school. So I would wake up and run. For a couple hours at least. This was before Walkmans and all that. The soundtrack to my jogging was just the sound of the world waking up. Well, one day I ran by his family’s field. It was late summer and I could see Mike fooling with the irrigator. I guess it had stopped working, I don’t know. He was right next to the road and he looked up at me and smiled. And he said ‘I’ll never complain about working this early ever again if you’ll let me take you out on a date.’ I mean, I must have looked like a big mess, all sweaty and in a ponytail. And I said ‘My daddy won’t let me go out on a date.’ And Mike said, ‘Let me ask him. If he says yes, will you?’ And I shrugged and said ‘I guess.’ Thinking that number one, he would never ask my daddy and number two, if he did, Daddy would never say yes.

“I didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t someone who was boy crazy at the time, believe it or not. But sure enough, that afternoon, Mike came by. His brother drove him, bless his heart. He had on a collared shirt and a tie! He looked like he was going to church! I opened the door and he gave me the biggest smile and it was the first time I noticed how handsome he was. I mean, Mike was just about the most handsome boy in the Rut. And suddenly I wanted desperately for your granddaddy to give him permission to take me out. So he came in. My parents looked at him so confused and he asked Daddy if he could speak to him privately for a moment. Well, they went out back and talked for about thirty minutes. I don’t even know about what. But when Mike came back in, your granddaddy had his arm around his shoulders and Mike said ‘Next weekend I would love to take you to the movies. Would you like to go?’ I just looked at my daddy like I couldn’t even believe it. Granddaddy was very strict about these things. But he winked at me. Just like that. And the next weekend, Mike took me to see Jaws. Not the most romantic selection but it scared me to death and I clung to him during the scary parts, which was probably his plan all along. And then we were just always together. From that night on. I was his and he was mine.”

My heart swelled hearing her talk about him. And suddenly I didn’t regret inviting Mike over to dinner. Not one little bit.

* * *

Mike showed up at six o’clock on the nose. I was setting the dining room table, a place where we usually only ate on holidays. When I opened the screen door to let him in, his cologne hit me pretty hard. He probably saw the reaction on my face.

“I spilled it. All over myself,” he said. “Rooster jumped on me at the worst moment and I didn’t have time to jump in the shower. Is it that bad?”

I tried to conceal how painfully strong it was, “Not at all. Just surprised me.”

He was so nervous. He had on a polo shirt and khakis with topsiders. I was pretty sure it was the exact outfit I had seen him in at the bar the night we went to collect my mother. He also had definitely shaved.

It was a lot of effort for a simple dinner.

We hadn’t been too complicated with the food. It was spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread. A gallon of vanilla ice cream (“Mike’s not a huge chocolate fan”) sat in our freezer. Grandma had gathered the strength to stand in the kitchen and stir the sauce while Mom went upstairs to get dressed.

As soon as Mike walked into the kitchen Grandma smiled possibly the biggest smile I had seen in all my life of seeing her smiles. She put out her arms and Mike slid right into them, picking her tiny little body up and gently swinging her around. She laughed as he set her back down.

“My sweet boy,” she said. “This is just about the best thing to happen all summer, having you back at my house.”

I could tell he was alarmed at her condition. His eyes were wet for a moment but he suddenly shook it off and grinned, “Bet you didn’t think you’d see me in here again.”

“I only prayed for it all the time,” Grandma said. She wouldn’t let go of him. “You know how much we love you here.”

He nodded. I stood there, suddenly not knowing what to do with myself.

“Addie,” Grandma said, “why don’t you pour some drinks. What would you like, Mike? We have some wine.”

“Oh, a Coke is fine. Or water. Whatever you’ve got,” he said.

We sat at the kitchen table waiting for Mom to come back downstairs. Everything was ready, I had just pulled the garlic bread out of the oven. Grandma and Mike were laughing about some incident at the bar from a couple years ago, a story that had been going around the whole town. The one thing I had learned since living here is that word traveled fast and far in the Rut.

Mom walked in just as he was finishing up. We all stopped to look at her. Her hair was up in a French twist. She had makeup on, a little too much rouge, but it was still striking. She had traded in her juvenile wardrobe for a floral sundress that I didn’t even know she owned. It was a periwinkle color that made her skin look tan. I had never seen her look so beautiful.

“Hi, Mike.” She leaned against the door frame of the kitchen. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

I could tell she was nervous. She was tapping her finger against her leg. She always did that when she was anxious. But I had never seen her anxious around any man. They were usually the ones who were nervous around my mother.

“Hey, Naomi.” He couldn’t stop staring at her.

“About time you came down,” Grandma said. “We’re a hungry crew. I love that dress, sweetheart.”

Mom feigned sheepishness like Oh this old thing? She walked over to Mike and leaned over him to take his plate.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Mike,” she said. “I’ll make you a plate.”

It was like someone had taken over my mother and replaced her with someone else. For the entire dinner she refreshed his drink, my drink, all of our plates. She laughed this charming, sweet laugh. She and Mike talked about their disastrous junior prom, where I guess he had gotten his truck stuck in mud in the middle of a field around the time he was supposed to be bringing her home. They ended up sleeping in the truck that night and they both got in a whole heap of trouble. It was quite the scandal at the time, but now they were sitting at a kitchen table, eighteen years later, laughing about it with Grandma. Time made things funnier I guess.

I didn’t talk much. I was more there to observe and collect information. I learned many things that night. I learned my mother had once been a lot like me; hopelessly in love with a boy from the Rut.

* * *

I washed the dishes that night while Grandma went back to the living room sofa to sleep. It was apparent that she would no longer be going upstairs to her bedroom. It was too much, those stairs. I made sure she was comfortable, and she was snoring before I had even reached the kitchen.

The kitchen sink is in front of a window that looks out into the backyard. It wasn’t dark yet but the fireflies were out. Mom and Mike sat in the backyard, talking. How I wished I could have heard what they were saying. Their shoulders were touching. My mother laughed at something and then she undid her hair and let it fall down around her shoulders. Even I knew that was a move a girl did when she wanted to get the attention of a man. It made me smile, seeing her happy for a moment.

I noticed the clock on the microwave said 7:45. I ran upstairs to brush my teeth and try to do something with my hair. My own Rut boy would be here soon, and my stomach was in knots just thinking about it.

Being that my room was on the end of the house, I had a window that faced the front yard and one that faced the back. As I fiddled with my hair I spied on Mom and Mike out back. I was surprised they were still talking. I don’t know what I expected when I invited him. I figured, from Mom’s reaction, that he would come and eat and leave, never to be seen again. But there was something still there with him and Mom. It was so obvious to anyone watching. My mother had her share of boyfriends throughout my life. I never paid attention to any of them, knowing she would tire of them soon enough. I had witnessed her behavior around them and none of it matched what I was seeing tonight. I didn’t know what to think of that.

At eight o’clock I sat on the porch, waiting for the tell-tale rumbling of an old Ford pickup. The sky was darkening a bit and even from the front I could hear my mother’s melodic laughter.

I was content for a moment. I peeked inside through the living room window and could see Grandma sleeping, her chest rising and falling. I had dimmed the lights and hoped she had a nice long rest.

Ten minutes later, still no sign of Ryan. I was itching for him to get there. I hoped his father hadn’t stopped him or given him a hard time. Or maybe he had a last minute yard to mow or a million other things. If he didn’t come by eight-thirty, I’d call his house.

Just as I thought this, Mom and Mike walked around the side of the house. Both looked surprised to see me.

“What’s going on?” Mom asked, coming over to sit next to me on the steps. Mike stood in front of me, holding the keys to his truck.

“Ryan was supposed to pick me up at eight,” I said. “Maybe he forgot. I wish I knew where he lived so I could just make sure he’s okay. I was going to call him…” My voice trailed off.

“Ryan Kidson?” asked Mike.

“Yeah,” I said, shyly. “He told me he was going to come by tonight. Sometimes we just go on a drive.”

Mike smiled, “I remember those drives. Well, why don’t you call him real quick? I can drop you off at his house if it’s easier for him. I know where the Kidsons live.”

“You do?” I asked.

“Addie, this is the Rut. I pretty much know where everyone lives.”

I ran inside and picked up the phone. I had written his number on a piece of paper that now sat under a magnet on the fridge. It rang and rang but no one picked up, not even an answering machine.

I walked back out onto the porch where Mom and Mike still sat.

“No answer,” I said. My stomach hurt. I had a bad feeling.

“Well,” Mike looked at Mom and back at me. “How about we just drive by and see if his truck’s there? He doesn’t live that far from here. Maybe he had to stop somewhere on his way over.”

I didn’t want to feel like a stalker, but my intuition was telling me something was up. Ryan would call if he was running late. I knew he would.

“Okay,” I said. “Mom, you stay with Grandma?”

Mom nodded. She pulled me close to her and kissed my head, “Sure, baby. See you in a bit. Call me if you end up anywhere, okay?”

“Okay.” I walked towards Mike’s car. Behind me I could hear them talking, saying a hushed goodbye. I felt guilty it was so rushed. Part of me prayed Ryan’s truck would pull up right then and he would bound out of the driver’s side with some story about a flat tire or running into someone at the gas station. But as I shut the passenger side door of Mike’s car, I looked down the driveway and there were no headlights coming our way.

It was slightly awkward to be alone in the car with Mike.

He turned the radio on and rock and roll music blared loudly from the speakers, making me jump.

“Sorry,” he said turning the volume down. “I was jamming out to Whitesnake on the way here.”

“Whitesnake?” I asked.

“Yeah. You know. ‘Here I Go Again.’ Tawny Kitaen? No?” he said.

“Yeah. I’ve heard of them. I’m just surprised you’re a fan.”

“Oh, I love hair metal. Really, I like all kinds of stuff.”

I didn’t say anything else as we drove. Normally, I would have loved to delve into the mind of Mike, but I was distracted by the pit in my stomach.

“So, Ryan Kidson.” Mike looked over at me, “He’s a good guy. You just meet him?”

“Yeah,” I said. “

“Just friends?” he asked.

I looked over at him, a little perturbed, “More than that. I think.”

Mike smiled, “I hate that part. Where you don’t know, for sure.”

I rolled my eyes, “I’m pretty sure I know. Or at least I thought I did.” I looked at him and decided to be honest, “Sometimes when things are really going well, I just wait for them to fall apart. It’s like I can’t enjoy them. And I have this terrible feeling right now.”

Mike frowned, “That’s so sad. You’re too young to be so cynical.”

We started slowing down as we came towards a neighborhood. Brookshire Estates the sign read. We made a right turn and suddenly there were ranch style homes all lined up, every single one exactly the same except for the siding and paint jobs.

So this is where Ryan Kidson lives.

“Forgive me if I drive slowly. I can’t remember exactly which one is his,” Mike said. “I used to be the assistant basketball coach and I gave him a ride home a couple times. His mom drives a maroon station wagon. And of course his truck is-“

“Blue.” I finished. “His truck is blue.”

We slowly went up the street. Ahead of us I could see a maroon station wagon. There was a Bush/Quayle sticker on the bumper. Next to it was a blue truck and behind the truck was a white Mercedes Benz. It stood out in a neighborhood full of used minivans and sedans.

“Is that it?” I asked. Mike stopped in front of the house next to it.

“Um. Yeah. It is.” I could tell he knew something he didn’t want to tell me.

“What should I do?” I asked. “They own a Mercedes?”

Mike shook his head, “They don’t, Addie. Only one family in the Rut drives a car like that. Or at least just one that would be affiliated with the Kidsons.”

He didn’t have to say it.

“Is that Rachel Lawson’s car?” I asked, my voice shaking.

Mike put the car in drive and we went by the house. Fortunately, no one was outside to see us go past.

“So?” I asked.

“Well, it’s definitely the Lawson’s car,” Mike admitted. “And it also happens to be the one Rachel drives.”

I leaned over. I could almost taste dinner in my throat. I was so sick over what was happening. Ryan Kidson stood me up. And it looked like he stood me up because Rachel Lawson had returned.

The bitch was back.

9

On the way home, poor Mike had to listen to me sob against the window. Normally I wouldn’t share such open grief and emotion but I couldn’t hold it in. I had never felt so stupid in my entire life. I immediately cursed myself for falling so hard for someone I truly barely knew. I hadn’t learned a single thing from Mom. The most important thing I knew was this: people you thought cared about you would discard you in a moment for their own benefit. I had been witness to it so many times over the years. Boyfriend after boyfriend, job after job. My one rule had always been that I should never see things how I wanted them to be. I needed to always see things how they actually were.

Because if I didn’t, this is what happened.

Mike drove much more quickly back to the house. I thought he must be so happy to be rid of this crazy teenage girl crying over a boy who was never really hers in the first place. But when we got to the house he told me to wait for a moment.

“Let me get your mom,” he said. “I know you don’t want to have to explain everything. Then you can go to your room and scream into a pillow or throw something or just feel how you need to feel. Okay, sweetheart?”

I looked up at him, his face concerned. He wasn’t annoyed with me at all. I saw understanding there, and sympathy. I had never had that from a man before. It felt good to know someone was on my side.

“Okay,” I said. “Thanks.”

As he walked away, I couldn’t help but hope that my mom would come out to the car and explain everything. That Ryan had called while I was gone. To tell me he was running late or couldn’t come because he was dealing with something unrelated to Rachel Lawson. Or that it was her, but he was carefully explaining to her that he had fallen for someone else.

But that’s not what happened. Instead she came out and hugged me tight.

“I’m so sorry,” she said into my hair.

“I just want to go to bed.”

* * *

The next morning I slept until noon. It was Thursday and Grandma was going to visit Dr. Harrison to find out about hospice and what it entailed.

“You don’t have to go,” Mom said. “Actually, I would rather you didn’t. Shayla will be with me. Why don’t you just relax today?”

My mother was having a rare maternal moment. She was back in her cutoffs and baby tees, but her voice was soft.

“If you’re sure. I don’t want to let anyone down.” I said.

“Never. You stay home and veg out. Watch some MTV. Eat some ice cream.”

It sounded like the advice in YM magazine they gave you when someone broke your heart. But I didn’t crave junk food. I just wished I’d never met him in the first place.

They left for the hospital right after lunch, which I hadn’t bothered eating. I was still in my pajama shorts and an old Virginia is for Lovers t-shirt. Ironic.

I had been laying on the sofa for about twenty minutes watching the newest episode of Singled Out when someone tapped on the screen door.

“Coming,” I muttered, putting the remote on the coffee table and sauntering over to see who it was.

“Hey, girl!” McKenna bounced into the house. She was in her overalls again, and bare feet. A tiny tank top was underneath. She looked sunny and adorable.

“Hey.” I didn’t even pretend to be excited to see her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, as I walked back to the sofa. I fell back onto it, not caring what I looked like.

“Boys are assholes.”

McKenna’s smile dropped and she sat next to my on the sofa, putting my legs in her lap.

“So you know.” she said. “I just found out last night. My mom said when she went to the grocery store last night she ran into Rachel Lawson with Jennifer and Courtney.”

“Yeah. I’m guessing Ryan wasn’t too far away,” I said. “He was supposed to show up here last night and he never did. Didn’t call. So, pathetically, I drove by his house and there was Rachel’s Mercedes Benz, all white and shiny in the driveway. And it didn’t look like it was going anywhere any time soon.”

McKenna’s mouth hung open in shock, “Are you serious? He didn’t even call? That’s not like Ryan. He’s never been that guy. What a dickwad!”

I nodded, “Yep. Major dickwad.”

McKenna stood up and started pacing.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Thinking.” She was like a bull going back and forth across the living room. “This is bullshit. It’s one thing for him to see her. It’s another thing for him to stand you up and humiliate you. Ugh! I’m so angry! She always wins! Ryan is such a pathetic idiot for letting her back into his life.”

I thought her words should make me feel better, but they really didn’t. They just reminded me that our short, romantic stint was over. That I really had been just a placeholder this entire time. Guys were truly capable of the most callous things.

“Where’s your grandma?” she suddenly asked.

“Doctor. Don’t worry, it was scheduled. She’s okay.”

McKenna exhaled, relieved, “Good. You know, Ryan knows what you’re going through. Which makes this even worse. I mean, this is something shitty Kyle Joel would do to a girl.”

I couldn’t help but smile, “So you can finally admit he’s shitty.”

“Yes. I can. And now I can admit all guys from the Rut are shitty.” She huffed, sitting back next to me on the couch.

“Well,” she said, “Now I’m even more excited to ask you what I came over to ask you.”

I sat up so she could move over. I grabbed a pillow and pulled it to my chest. I was so achy all over, I felt like I had the flu. Was this what stress did to a person?

“What are you going to ask me?”

She smiled, “How would you like to go on vacation with me and my parents?”

I hadn’t expected that.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Go where?”

“Myrtle Beach. We go every year, and Rhiannon was going to go, but she can’t because of family stuff. And I don’t think she wants to leave Jackson for a week. But I would really love for you to come. I know with your grandma it might be tough, but it’s only a week. And now with this Ryan bullcrap, maybe it’s a good option for you. Nothing gets your mind off a boy like meeting another one at the beach. And the best part about boys at the beach is that you know it can’t last so you can just have fun.”

My first inclination was to say no. I wouldn’t be fun. I couldn’t imagine ever being entertaining again. I had never felt this type of raw hurt. I also didn’t want to leave Grandma. What if my mom went crazy again and left in the middle of the night? It just seemed too risky.

But another part of me thought about how nice it would be to lay on a beach next to a great friend, watching the people, reading good books. Getting tan. Having seafood and grilling out. Going to a carnival. A week of just fun. I only wished Rhiannon could go. It wouldn’t be as fun without her.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ll have to talk to my mom. Make sure Grandma’s going to be okay.”

“Of course,” McKenna said. “I totally understand. I really hope you consider it though. I can’t think of anyone I want to go more.”

“I will. I mean- part of me says it’s a great idea. I just don’t want to be mopey the whole time and drag you down.”

“Of course not!” said McKenna. “You couldn’t drag me down.”

“I just can’t believe it,” I said. “You warned me not to fall for him. It was barely a month ago and here I am. Such a sucker. Ugh!” I buried my face in the pillow. “I’m such an idiot!”

“I’m sorry, Addie.” She wrapped her arm around me, “If it’s any consolation, I’m as surprised as you are. He really liked you, Addie. I could see it. Ryan Kidson has never shown any interest and I mean any interest in any other girl than Rachel. So many girls have tried. None have succeeded. He’s not someone that messes around. So this is just as confusing to me, girl.”

I wasn’t sure if it helped or not. All I knew was that the one thing that truly brought me happiness in this summer of doom and gloom was him. And in an instant he was gone.

* * *

McKenna stayed over a couple hours, but she left around dinner time. By then, Grandma, Mom, and Shayla were finally back from seeing Dr. Harrison. Grandma looked exhausted.

“I think I just want to go to bed if that’s okay,” she said, slowly shuffling into the living room. “I’m just so beat.”

“Momma, you should eat something,” my mother said. “Aren’t you hungry?”

Grandma waved her off, “No, no. Just very tired. I can barely take how tired I am.”

She slowly stretched out on the sofa and was fast asleep before I could even put the blanket on her. I looked up at Shayla and Mom.

“Is she okay?” I asked.

“It was just a long appointment and a longer drive. She doesn’t do too well in the car anymore. It makes her sick,” Aunt Shayla said. “She’s fine for now. Do you want dinner?”

“I put a frozen pizza in the oven. Should be ready soon.” I looked at Mom who was quiet, “Are you alright?”

Mom smiled a thin smile and nodded. “I’m okay,” she said. “Just a lot to take in.”

“Let’s go outside,” I said. “We can talk about it.”

We walked out onto the front porch, slowly shutting the screen door behind us so it didn’t slam shut and wake Grandma. Shayla puttered around the kitchen.

“Let’s sit.” We sat on the steps and for a while we were quiet, just listening to the evening. Cricket chirps floated from the bushes. Fireflies lit up in the distance near McKenna’s house.

“I don’t know how we’re going to get through this,” Mom finally said. “I can admit that to you, right? That I don’t know what I’m doing?”

I reached for her hand, “I don’t think anyone would know what to do in our position.”

“But I’m your mom. I know I need to get my shit together. But I’m also her daughter. And I feel like I haven’t been a good one. And now she’s…” Mom couldn’t finish the sentence.

“I don’t want to upset you,” she continued. “But what we’re about to go through, it’s going to be tough, baby.”

“What did you learn?” I asked. My stomach was in knots.

“So much I can barely remember. I feel like she’d be better at a medical facility or nursing home. I’m so afraid I won’t be enough. But she is insistent on being home for this.”

This. Such a loaded word. It meant everything. This was another word for the end.

What was I thinking being so upset about a boy? My grandma was dying and all I could cry about was some guy I barely knew, doing what guys do and picking someone else. I realized, in that moment, that maybe Ryan Kidson being an asshole was a gift. Now I could focus on what really mattered - my family. I wasn’t here for anything else. Grandma needed us. And it was such a relief to see my mother finally get with the program and realize what we were up against. And even if she felt like she might fall short, the fact that she was willing to fall at all said a lot. My mom ran before falling. And this was something none of us could run from. Whether we felt equipped or not, this is where and when we would be defined for the rest of our lives.

I wrapped my arm around Mom, who had her head buried in her hands, “It’s going to be okay. I’m here. Shayla’s here. Mom, haven’t you learned? The majority of the battle is just in the showing up. And we’re here, Mom. Grandma wouldn’t want it any other way.”

My mother and I sat on that porch for almost an hour. We might have barely said a paragraph worth of sentences to one another, but it didn’t matter. The silence, sometimes, is what speaks more.

10

I was reading People magazine at the kitchen table, after three slices of Tombstone pizza, when the phone rang. Mom was upstairs taking a shower and Aunt Shayla had already left. Without thinking, I picked it up before it could ring again and wake Grandma.

“Hey. Addie.”

It was Ryan. The sound of his voice, all full of boyishness and anxiety, made me catch my breath for a moment. I coughed unattractively for a few seconds before replying.

“Hi.” I didn’t know what else to say.

“I’m sorry,” he started. “I really messed up-“

“Yeah. It’s fine.” My voice was cold and flat. I would not let him hear my heart break.

“No,” he said. “It’s not fine. I was surprised by something and I completely lost track of time and it’s no excuse, Addie, but I would really love to come over and see you.”

“Now?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “I want to talk.”

“We can just talk on the phone,” I said, even though I was desperate to see him. But I also knew it would be bad for me, seeing his face.

“I’d rather talk in person. I-“

“Why?” I said, my voice gaining emotion. “So you can watch my face crumble at the news that you’ve gotten back together with Rachel? And that it was a fun couple weeks but now it’s over? Because I’m fine with hearing that over the phone.”

“That’s it,” he said. “I’m coming over. Now.” And he hung up.

I looked at the phone, shocked.

Part of me was thrilled he was coming over and a part of me was angry that he thought he could call the shots here. But either way, I had to keep in my mind that no matter what he said, it was over. I couldn’t be distracted by Ryan Kidson anymore.

I sat on the front steps, barefoot. I would usually go to my room and preen and primp and lament how imperfect I was. But today, I couldn’t care. I stayed in the clothes I had slept in last night and lounged in all day. He wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Besides, even at my best, he was choosing someone else. So what did it matter?

It didn’t seem to take long for the headlights to come blazing up the drive. He parked right next to Grandma’s truck. Normally I ran up to him, but today I stayed where I was. He could come to me.

He sauntered over, nervously running his hand through his hair. He was in a white t-shirt and khaki shorts. He smiled, but his eyes looked worried.

“Sorry. I would normally never go against a girl’s wishes but I had to. I’m better in person. And everything you were saying-“

“What? Was I wrong?”

“Yes!” he said. He sat next to me on the steps. It took every cell in my body not to jump into his lap and pretend nothing had happened, that everything was the same.

“How? I know she’s back.”

“Well, she just got back yesterday morning,” he said. “And I didn’t know that until she just showed up at my house. And it was about half an hour before I was coming to meet you.”

“She just showed up at your door?” I asked.

“Yeah. And I was taken aback. I didn’t think she was even coming back until next week and I figured I would be in Richmond and then Las Vegas and I wouldn’t have to deal with her for a while. So she surprised me, and after talking to her I realized I had completely let you down. And I’m so sorry, Addie. I feel like such an asshole.”

I shrugged, “Its fine. Rachel Lawson is the Rut’s version of Helen of Troy. Men forget other women around her. They forget all kinds of things. I’m really okay.”

“You are?” he asked, unbelieving. “You know, you don’t have to act like that. Not with me. You can tell me how angry you are. You should be angry. Any guy would be insane to make the mistake I made.”

Dammit.

“Don’t say that,” I said. “It’s not true and I don’t want to hear it.”

“Don’t say what? The truth? That you’re beautiful, and funny, and amazing? Last time I heard those were good qualities.”

Tears stung my eyes, “But it didn’t matter once she was there.”

“Addie,” he took my hands. I let him. “This is not some line. And I’m not with her. I don’t plan to be and I don’t want to be.”

I looked at him, at his sincere eyes, at his pleading expression.

“What happened?” I asked.

He sighed, wrapping his arm around me, pulling me to him.

“She showed up,” he said. “And my dad answered. Well, my dad loves the shit out of Rachel. Not because of who she is, just who she represents to him. He sees his good-old-days when she’s around. So, of course he let her inside and called for me. I had just gotten out of the shower after mowing a record four lawns in one afternoon. I thought maybe Jackson or one of the guys had stopped by, but no. It was Rachel, all smug, sitting on the couch, borderline flirting with Dad, like she always does. Mom stood in the kitchen kind of looking at me with this sympathetic expression. I mean, this girl dumped her son. She’s not her biggest fan, never has been. So anyway, Dad said, ‘I’ll leave you two alone’ and led my mom back to their room. And there I was, completely ambushed.”

He paused for a moment to kiss my head.

“Anyway,” he continued. “She immediately wanted to know what I’ve been up to, that she’d heard things, whatever. We got in an argument about why we broke up. Literally, the dumbest argument I’ve ever been in with a human being. Rachel has this way of making anything that’s her fault somehow someone else’s. It used to work on me all the time. But in that moment I looked at her and I just… I couldn’t buy the bullshit. I saw right through her. And it made her very unattractive to me. Like, suddenly, I couldn’t understand what the big deal was with Rachel Lawson. And if you had told me a month ago that I wouldn’t do anything I could to get back together with her, I wouldn’t have believed you.

“But I looked at her in her short skirt, and her push up bra, and her done up hair, and her face and I just didn’t feel like I even liked her anymore. As a person. Much less as someone I would want to be my girlfriend. She looked so phony. And I also knew she didn’t want to be with me again because she missed me or loved me. Rachel Lawson wanted to know she could win, over any girl. It was a game, as always. So I asked her to just go. Told her I wasn’t interested in being with her anymore. I was as polite as I could be. But she had a meltdown. So, yeah. After all of that I suddenly realized what I had done. And I thought about calling you, but it was late and I was just sick thinking about how you must feel. I would be devastated. Not because I’m so great or anything. But if you feel anything about how I feel about you, there would be nothing that would devastate you more than not seeing me. Because Addie, I can’t stop thinking about you. And I’ve thought about you all night and all day and there isn’t a single thing I won’t do to make this up to you. But before any of that I had to tell you, eye to eye, that I would never choose anyone over you. Not Rachel Lawson, not Cindy Crawford, not anyone.”

The intensity of his words hit my heart and suddenly we were kissing, hard. The kind that sailors give to their wives the second they’re off the boat from a six month deployment. My heart thumped against his. He was slick with sweat. From the humidity and from nerves.

“Ryan.” I said against his mouth. Nothing else.

* * *

He stayed until almost midnight. Mom found us on the porch (fortunately, just talking) and I could see in her eyes that she wasn’t thrilled he was there. But she didn’t know.

“It’s okay, Mom.” I smiled, “All is fine.”

“Don’t stay up too late,” she said and the screen door shut behind her.

Ryan looked at me, “Well, she hates me.”

“No, she just doesn’t know what happened,” I said. I was in his lap now, my arms around his broad shoulders.

“I’m so sorry,” he said into my hair. “You smell good.”

“I don’t know how. I seriously need to shower.”

“Nope. You smell good. You look great.”

I rolled my eyes, “I’m in my pajamas for the most part.”

“Even better. I like thinking about what you sleep in.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I hit him playfully on the arm.

“You’re such a weirdo,” I said.

“No, but really, I love how you don’t need any sort of make up to look beautiful. Girls might find this hard to believe, but guys don’t love makeup. At least I don’t.”

“Oh,” I said, sarcastically, “Well, as long as we girls are pleasing guys, that’s all that matters.”

He laughed, “That’s not what I meant.”

“I know, I’m just teasing you,” I said. “But I actually do think most guys think a girl’s only job is to please them aesthetically.”

“I actually can’t argue with that,” Ryan agreed. “But you have to understand how visual we are. My mom always says ‘Men fall in love through their eyes, women through their ears.’ “

Hearing him say love made the hair on my arms stand up.

* * *

That night I slept with my window open. I was restless from the ups and downs of the day. Part of me was disappointed I didn’t stick to the original plan of being done with Ryan. Not because of him, but because I felt guilty not focusing all of my heart on Grandma. The way Mom had looked on the porch earlier scared me.

But at the same time, this was even more of a reason to have Ryan in my life. He would temper the grief and the pain of watching someone so important to me fade away. I hated to think of it like that, but I needed to keep myself honest. Grandma was sick and she would not get better. Even if that devastated me, it didn’t make it less true. If only.

The next morning, I slept in late. McKenna and Rhiannon woke me up, both bouncing on the end of my bed.

“Wake up, sleepy head!” McKenna called to me. “We’re going to the pool!”

I rolled over, “Ugh. I’m so tired. I barely slept last night.”

“Don’t let Ryan Kidson ruin your sleep!” Rhiannon said.

“He didn’t,” I half lied. “He came over last night though.”

Both girls stopped bouncing and looked at one another.

“And?” they both asked.

“And he didn’t get back with Rachel. She wanted to, but he said no. He says he wants to be with me.”

They both stared at me, slack-jawed.

“Seriously?” McKenna said. “He said that?”

“Yeah. He said she had a meltdown about it but it’s done. For good.” I gave them a groggy smile.

I expected them to be happy for me. Rhiannon seemed to be, but McKenna just shook her head.

“You took him back that easy?” she said. “I mean, come on. Who forgets they’re supposed to meet someone? Especially if they claim to care about them.”

I sat up, my fatigue gone, “McKenna, people make mistakes. He’s genuinely sorry. I mean, you said yourself that it wasn’t like him.”

McKenna stood up and looked out the window, “I know I did. And it’s true, I was surprised by him ditching you. But you have to understand, Rachel isn’t going to let this go. I’m glad Ryan is starting to see her as she is, but that doesn’t mean she won’t make your life hell because of it. I just don’t think he’s worth it.”

I rolled my eyes, “What could she ever do to me? I’ve never even met her. She could walk in this room right now and I would have no idea who she is. And I, unlike you, never have, nor ever plan to, care what she thinks of me. There’s nothing she can do to me. I might as well be untouchable.”

Rhiannon and McKenna exchanged looks.

“Fair enough,” sighed McKenna. “But for the record, I don’t care what she thinks about me anymore.”

“I know,” I said. “And you shouldn’t. So if you don’t care, it takes away her power. Her turbo bitch powers are fueled by people caring what she says or thinks. If we choose not to give a damn, she loses momentum. And influence. We are a threesome now. A triumvirate. She messes with one of us, she messes with all of us.”

“It’s a good rule to live by,” added Rhiannon. “Whoever cares the least has the most power.”

I nodded, “A much more succinct way of putting it. Thanks, Rhiannon.”

“I’m good for a drop of wisdom every now and again.”

McKenna couldn’t help but smile, “Addie, I really could have used you in my corner a year and a half ago. Anyway, enough about Ryan and Rachel and whatever. I just talked to your mom downstairs and she said she thinks it would be a great idea if you went to Myrtle Beach!” McKenna clapped her hands, jumping up and down.

“I’m pretty damn jealous,” confessed Rhiannon. “I so wish I could go.”

I looked at McKenna, “You asked my mom for me?”

“Well, no. I just mentioned it and she seemed really excited about it for you. She said it would be good for you to have a week of fun.”

I shook my head, “I can’t leave Grandma. No way. Hospice is coming this week.”

McKenna’s face fell at the news.

“Of course,” she said. “I understand. I’m such a jackass.”

I threw my pillow at her, “Not even a little bit, dork.”

“What does having hospice at home mean?” asked Rhiannon. “Sorry to bring it up but I don’t know much about it.”

I shrugged, “I know as much as you do. Grandma will have nurses here treating her symptoms and pain but not the disease itself. It’s more about making the most of the time you have left and letting go of the battle for now…” My voice trailed off.

Neither of them spoke. I stood up and stretched, getting a view of myself in the full length mirror on the back of my bedroom door.

“Ugh,” I said. “I look awful. Can I wear a muumuu to the pool? Do you think they’ll let me swim in that?”

“You’re such a nerd,” McKenna replied. “Get your hot ass into your bathing suit and we’ll wait downstairs for you. Rhiannon has Big Rhoda!”

I listened to them stumble downstairs, rowdy and excited about a beautiful summer day at the community pool. I looked back at myself in the mirror and muttered, “Yay. Displaying myself in public in a bathing suit sounds like the most fun thing ever. Not.”

I pulled out a one piece Billabong suit I had bought over spring break with Marisol at the Meadows Mall in Las Vegas. She had tried on numerous bikinis, proud of her curvy figure while I had grabbed the first thing I saw that didn’t have a skirt and bought it without trying it on.

I didn’t know why I was anxious. I had worn a bathing suit at the lake, in front of Ryan of all people, but I still dreaded being seen so close to naked. Especially next to McKenna and Rhiannon.

I threw on a t-shirt and Umbros as a cover-up and came downstairs to see McKenna and Rhiannon talking to Grandma on the sofa.

“Hey, angel.” She held out her arms, “You slept in today. I’ve already woken and napped this morning. You must have had a late night.” She winked at me.

I leaned down and gently hugged her, kissing her papery cheek, “I didn’t go anywhere, but I was definitely up past curfew.”

“Good,” Grandma said. “Soak in this beautiful summer. Y’all heading to the pool?”

All three of us nodded in unison.

“Well, have some fun for me. Wish I could be there,” she said.

It was so hard to leave her after that. Mom was in the kitchen making sandwiches for both of them. I waved to her on our way out the door.

When we stepped out onto the porch the thick humidity of the day hit us hard.

“Ugh,” I said. “I need to go grab a scrunchie. Be right back.”

“Grab me one too,” said McKenna. “We’ll be in the sauna that is Big Rhoda.”

I ran up the stairs to my room. I kept my scrunchies on my doorknob, an easy place to store them without losing them, something I was famous for. As I reached for them, my mother’s voice called to me.

“Addie!” she said, climbing up the steps behind me, “I wanted to talk to you about something real quick.”

“McKenna and Rhiannon are waiting,” I said.

“It’ll just take a sec,” she replied.

She walked into my room and sat on my unmade bed. She sighed at the clothes thrown around the floor.

“When you get back you need to straighten this up,” she said.

“I will,” I promised. “What’s up?”

“Well, McKenna mentioned she invited you to go to the beach with her,” she said, running her hand along the floral sheet of my mattress. “I think it would be a good idea for you to go.”

I stared at her, confused, “But Grandma has hospice coming next week. I can’t go, I need to be with her.”

“That’s exactly why I want you to go,” Mom said. “Hospice care will be set up, there will be nurses, and Dr. Harrison, and there’s going to be a lot happening around here. And after that things will be very different… And hard, Addie. I just want you to have one last week before things change. And Grandma feels the same. She’s adamant you not be here when they’re setting it up. She wants you to have one last week of carefree excitement before the really hard part begins.”

I shook my head, “But what if something happens while I’m gone? And I’m stuck. I would hate myself forever.”

“Nothing like that is going to happen while you’re gone,” Mom assured me. “She’s not at that point yet, but if this was a few weeks from now, I wouldn’t want you to go. But she still has some time, she’s still moving around a bit and has a tiny bit of strength. Dr. Harrison has told us this phase probably won’t last much longer.”

Tears stung my eyes as I thought about the conversations that happened yesterday when I wasn’t around.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know how I could have any fun knowing what’s happening back here.”

My mother wrapped her around my shoulders, “You’re a good kid. You know that? I don’t know how it happened, but you ended up with one hell of a heart. But Addie, this is not something I’m asking you to do. We’re telling you. Go. Enjoy your week because it’s about to get really tough here.”

She squeezed my shoulders and kissed my head. Outside Rhiannon honked for me, as if I had forgotten they were waiting.

11

On the ride to the pool we listened to Joan Osborne on the radio.

“If God is one of us, we’re so screwed,” noted McKenna. “Although it would be nice if God could make it a smidge cooler, being that my pits are basically Niagara Falls right now.” She leaned her raised arm out the window. “No use! It’s like a hair dryer on high blowing on us. I can’t wait to get into the damn pool!”

I had piled my hair on top of my head into a messy bun, secured by a hot pink scrunchie.

“So about Myrtle Beach,” I said, raising my voice over the sound of the music and the air from the windows blowing through. “I guess I’m going.”

McKenna looked back at me and squealed, “Yes! I’m so stoked! You changed your mind?”

“It was kind of changed for me,” I admitted. “But I’m sure it’ll be fun. I just hope everything is okay at home while I’m gone.”

“You’ll probably miss Ryan too, huh?” asked Rhiannon, looking at me from the rearview mirror.

“He’ll be in Richmond anyway,” I said. “And then Las Vegas. I won’t see him for two weeks. Some basketball thing.”

“Yeah, Jackson told me Ryan got asked to play for the Squires. Jackson’s pretty envious,” replied Rhiannon.

We finally reached the pool, which was the Rutledgeville Community Center. The parking lot was packed. It seemed everyone in town was desperate to cool off.

And that everyone included Rachel Lawson and crew.

I knew it was her without anyone telling me. She was standing next to the entrance, leaning against the gate, talking to Courtney Showalter. She had on a purple bikini top and cut- offs so short the pockets hung out. The strings to her bikini bottoms peeked out from the top of her shorts that were, besides being short, folded down at the top showing off an impossibly small but defined waist. Her hair was black and glossy, hanging in a long ponytail down her slender and incredibly tan back. She had on platform jelly shoes, which just made her already long legs look longer. She was putting on lip gloss and rolling her eyes at something Courtney was saying.

“Ugh, the Bitch Brigade is here. Of course,” McKenna observed. “At least we’re even now. Three against three.”

My stomach dropped at the sight of her. She was much more beautiful than I had imagined, much to my dismay. I was hoping she was small town pretty. The kind that is elevated and revered only because there aren’t as many people around to judge it. But no. Rachel Lawson was universally gorgeous. And I was beginning to wonder how Ryan Kidson had possibly resisted her when she asked for him to be hers again.

Fortunately, they walked into the pool before we made it to the entrance.

“We’ll try to grab chairs next to the diving boards,” Rhiannon said. “Rachel and her crew usually stay near the concession stand and locker rooms.”

“Yeah, so Jennifer can go throw up all her calories,” remarked McKenna. “Sorry, that was really mean. Ugh. They bring out the worst in me.”

“Does she really do that?” asked Rhiannon. “Because that’s terrible and sad.”

“I don’t know for sure. Rachel has alluded to it and acted like it was a positive,” McKenna said. “Which should tell you everything you need to know about her pervasive evil ways.”

“Damn,” I said. “If that’s true, that is some pretty evil shit.”

As we walked towards some empty chairs near a lifeguard stand and the diving boards, we were disappointed to see the Bitch Brigade had laid claim to the chairs right next to ours. And, unfortunately, they were the last of the chairs available.

“Shit,” McKenna muttered. “A damn mommy play group took over the chairs near the locker rooms. Motherfu-“

Rhiannon smacked her shoulder before she could finish, “Just act like you don’t care. Remember?”

McKenna sighed, “Right. There’s a difference between not caring and self-preservation.”

“We’ll just lay our stuff down and get in the pool,” I said.

There was little doubt they were staring at us as we casually walked over to the lounge chairs and laid our towels out. Rhiannon took off her shirt to lather on some sunscreen while McKenna and I feigned interest in a magazine.

“Ugh. The Slut Squad showed up,” I head Courtney say, loudly, to Rachel.

Rachel laughed, “Oh my God, that’s funny.”

“What’s funny is how pasty white Rhiannon is,” Jennifer added. “I’m blinded more by her than I am the sun.”

They cackled at the very weak insult. Rhiannon, to her credit, just ignored them, barely even flinching. I suspected she’d heard worse.

“Is that her?” I heard Rachel say, clearly referring to me. “She must put out if Ryan actually finds her attractive.”

“She has to make up for her fat ass somehow,” replied Courtney. “It reminds me of a joke. Why do fat girls give good head?”

“I don’t know. Why?” asked Jennifer. Rachel was already giggling.

“Because they have to!” Courtney laughed. I gritted my teeth but refused to look up. McKenna was squeezing my hand.

“That makes sense,” said Rachel. “Guys enjoy the hoes but they don’t fall in love with them. Because they’re pathetic.”

Before I could react, McKenna stood up. Her hands balled into fists, shaking with anger at her sides.

“What’s pathetic,” she said, her voice clear and strong, “is a girl who can’t handle the fact that a boy picked someone else over her. It’s sad that even as perfect and beautiful as she pretends she think she is, she’s afraid that he must have seen that she was terrifically flawed after all. And that all her makeup, and all her expensive clothes, and all of Daddy’s money couldn’t cover up the fact that she’s a black-hearted, soulless, bitch. And not only that, she’s someone who will only matter in one place, for a brief time in her life, and after high school will most likely spend the remainder of her doleful days reminiscing about the glory days, when she was someone special. While she eats her leftovers from Dominos and yells at her three mediocre children in her mediocre house in the same mediocre town she was born in and will probably die in. That is truly the definition of pathetic. Remind you of anyone you know, Rach?”

All of us gawked at McKenna Holt, who had just now arrived. It was the most epic soliloquy I had ever borne witness to, and if I wasn’t so shocked, I would have applauded.

As it was, Rachel Lawson’s expression stayed cold and still. But I did notice a slight eye twitch from the right side of her perfectly lacquered face. She didn’t say a word, leaving the response to the eloquent Courtney.

“Oh my God, McKenna Holt suddenly has something to say?” Courtney bellowed. But before she continued Rhiannon stopped her.

“There’s nothing,” Rhiannon said, “that you could retort with that would ever beat that. So stop while you’re ahead. And you know every single word of it was true, Courtney.”

With that, the three of us took off our cover-ups and laid down on our towel-covered plastic chairs, letting the sun bake us while we grinned mischievously under our magazines. The water could wait. It felt much better being cool and collected.

As for the Bitch Brigade, they took their towels and went somewhere else. I don’t know where, but we didn’t see them again for the rest of the day.

* * *

“That was the stuff of Rutledgeville legend, McKenna Holt!” Rhiannon whooped on our drive home a couple hours later. “You handed her ass to her. In front of everyone. She got served.”

McKenna grinned smugly from the back seat, “It spilled out of me like I’d been waiting to say it my entire life.”

“Slut Squad,” I muttered. “I’m about the furthest thing from it. That would mean I would have had to actually have done anything, which I haven’t.”

“Slut is such an empty insult and shows their complete lack of creativity,” Rhiannon said. “I mean why is being called a slut a bad thing? To me, it just means guys like what they see and want to hit it. And that I enjoy sex like the third wave feminist I am.”

McKenna and I both gaped at one another.

“Wait, you’ve had sex?” asked McKenna. “Since when?”

“Since never,” explained Rhiannon. “But if I did, what of it? Why would I be a slut and the guy I partook in relations with be some stud hero? Nope. Not in my world.”

“You’ve watched Reality Bites too many times,” laughed McKenna from the front. “What the hell is third wave feminism? They come in waves?”

All three of us looked at one another and burst into uncontrollable laughter, high off winning a battle and the glorious post-victory journey home.

12

As we pulled into McKenna’s driveway, I could see Ryan’s truck parked in front of my house.

“Ohhhhh, boy,” McKenna said, shaking my shoulders. “Someone’s about to join the Slut Squad! Inaugural member!”

“You are such a doofus,” I said, hitting her with my towel.

All three of us walked over to my house, rowdy and still excited from the afternoon’s events. I had expected Ryan to be sitting on my porch, but I was pleasantly surprised to find him in the living room, sitting next to Grandma, who had the biggest smile on her face as we walked in.

“Hey, girls!” she said. “Look who just stopped by! Rutledgeville’s own.”

Ryan’s cheeks turned red for a moment, embarrassed by the praise, “Mrs. McCurtis, you’re so silly. I’m not Michael Jordan.”

“I was thinking you’re more like our Brad Pitt. Right, angel?” she winked at me. I was mortified.

“Oh my God,” I said. “You’re killing me, Grandma.” But I was laughing.

“Y’all go to the pool?” Ryan asked, noticing our damp hair and bathing suit tops.

“Yep,” McKenna said. “We ran into some friends of yours. Some lovely ladies. Had a wonderful chat.”

Ryan looked at me, concerned, “Rachel was there?”

I nodded, “Yeah. She sure is something.”

“I can only imagine,” he said. “I hope she wasn’t too terrible to y’all.”

“Nothing we couldn’t handle,” Rhiannon said. “We’re pretty awesome, you know.”

Ryan laughed, “I’ve always known that. Glad the rest of the world is finally coming to terms with it.”

There was an awkward pause for a moment. McKenna took that as her cue.

“Well, Rhiannon and I better get back to my house. Thanks for coming with us, Addie. Love you, Mrs. McCurtis. We’re still praying for you!”

“I appreciate that, darlin’.” Grandma waved.

“And we’re leaving Sunday morning, Addie! But I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow and we can talk more about it. Bye, y’all!” McKenna called out as the screen door shut behind them.

Ryan looked over at me with a quizzical look, “And where are you heading?”

“I’m going to Myrtle Beach with McKenna and her parents,” I said. “I don’t really want to, but someone thinks it’s a good idea.” I looked at Grandma pointedly.

Grandma feigned innocence, “Who, me? How dare I want you to have a fun-filled week with your friend? Guilty as charged!” She winked at me again.

“But Grandma,” I said, “Hospice is coming. You need me, don’t you?”

“Oh, angel, I’ll always need you,” she said. “But so much will be happening around here. I’d rather you be out of the way, having a mid-summer hurrah with a spunky friend. McKenna will make sure you have the time of your life.”

I leaned down and hugged her lightly, “I love you so much.”

She touched my cheek, “I love you to the moon and back, angel. And back again.”

* * *

Ryan and I drove to the water tower that night with the radio on low. A George Strait song hummed from the speakers and I held Ryan’s hand across the bench seat. My hands were still pruney from the pool.

“You excited about the beach?” he asked, as we turned onto the dirt road that led to the field.

“I guess,” I said. “I wish you could be there.”

“Me too,” he said. “Instead I’ll be doing boring basketball drills and scrimmages. With a bunch of sweaty dudes that I don’t know.”

“Are you nervous?” I asked, squeezing his hand.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I’m afraid I’m not good enough. That I don’t deserve it.”

“There’s no way they would have asked you if you weren’t good enough,” I said. “And I don’t know a lick about basketball but I can tell you’re probably good at everything you do.”

He had stopped the truck and threw it in park, turning to me with a sly grin.

“Everything?” he asked, inching towards me.

He took my face in his hands, and kissed me, passionately, with more desire than he had ever kissed me. I leaned into him, dizzy.

“Everything,” I whispered against his mouth.

“Do you want to climb the tower today,” he said, “or just stay here in the truck?”

I laughed, “I’d rather stay in this truck for the rest of my life, are you kidding?”

It was the right answer. We both opened our doors and practically ran to the back. He pulled down the tailgate and I gasped. He had set up a bed with blankets and pillows and an actual picnic basket.

“Surprise!” he said, looking at me. I jumped into his arms, kissing his entire face, only pulling away to say, “Thank you! This is so amazing! You planned this?”

“Yeah. I mean this is probably kind of lame, but it’s about as romantic as I’ve ever been. And I wanted to make up for the other night. And this is probably our last night together for a while, so I pulled out all the stops. Well, all the stops I could in the Rut.” He helped me climb into the bed of the truck.

I sat down and pulled him down with me, kissing him for a long while before even thinking about digging into the food. With every kiss he’d pause and smile at me. One time he even said, “You really are the prettiest girl, you know that?”

This was the kind of thing that happened on Beverly Hills 90210. I felt like Kelly Taylor.

After a make out session so long that it was starting to get dark, I finally opened the picnic basket.

“Boone’s!” I exclaimed, pulling out a bottle. “Fuzzy Navel. I’ve never had that flavor.”

“Bode hooked me up,” Ryan said, rubbing my arm. “And my mom made us sandwiches. I wasn’t sure what you liked so she made turkey, ham, and peanut butter and jelly.”

“Your mom is adorable,” I said, leaning over and kissing his nose.

“She’s pretty great,” he said. “When we’re both back from our respective trips, she wants to have you over for dinner. Which is kind of nerve-wracking.”

I looked down at my hands, “You don’t think she’ll like me?”

He shook his head emphatically, “No! You’re not the part I’m worried about. Who wouldn’t like you? I’m worried you won’t like my parents. Or my dad, really. Everyone loves my mom. But my dad is an asshole on his best days.”

“Well,” I said. “It clearly doesn’t run in the family. You must take after your mom.”

He was laying on his side now and I joined him. I was facing him, our mouths inches apart.

“Aren’t you hungry?” I whispered.

“Not at all,” he said. “I can’t think of anything except how much I love kissing you.”

“Just kissing?” I asked, not recognizing the huskiness in my own voice. “We can do more than that if you want.”

His eyes widened like he’d just been handed the keys to a brand new car.

“I mean,” he said. “Of course I want to. I just don’t want to be a skeeze.”

I shook my head, “Never. You’re the kind of boy I’ve dreamt about doing more than kissing with since I thought about doing anything that involved kissing.”

He laughed, “Yeah? Well, coming from you, that’s a pretty damn great compliment.”

“It’s just true,” I admitted. “I want you, Ryan Kidson. In all the ways I can want someone.”

I was wrong about the kiss in the truck. The kiss he gave me after I said that was the most passionate, intense, and fervent kiss of my entire life. Not that I had many to compare it to, but out of all the kisses he’d given me, this one said the most.

It said he wanted me too.

After that, things were much more urgent. There was fumbling of clothes. At first he tried to help me take mine off while at the same time I was trying to pull his shirt off. Both our hands were shaking and we were nervously laughing, both completely unsure of what we were doing.

I also realized in the midst of it that no one had ever seen me naked. An obvious thought but also a terrifying one. I was barely able to glance at myself in the mirror in my underwear, and the sudden realization that what we were about to do did not usually include clothing made me incredibly nervous that he would take one look at me and immediately run for the hills. Or worse, lose his fervor. Something I could never live down, not for as long as I lived. I’d sooner become a nun than have another man look at me again.

So all of these thoughts were hitting both of us at once. By then his shirt was off, but I was still dressed.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “We don’t have to-“

“No, I want to,” I said. “I’m just afraid of being naked.”

He took my face in his hands, “Addie. Look at me. You have no reason to be afraid of that. Or of anything. I see you. You’re beautiful, Addison McCurtis. Can’t I convince you of that?”

I felt so stupid, like a child. My heart raced beneath him.

“I’m a girl. I’m told by television and magazines on a constant basis everything that’s wrong with me,” I admitted. “And now you’ll see all of it.”

He kissed me, “We don’t have to do this. Maybe it’s not the right time.”

“No!” I said, remembering what Kyle Joel did to McKenna. I’d told her he was a jerk for dismissing her, for not giving him what he wanted. But at the same time, in this moment, I understood why she’d felt so terrible. I had this awful feeling that if I wimped out now, I might not have a chance again. And the truth was, I did want Ryan. So badly. I felt it everywhere. I was just scared of being so open to someone.

“Ryan,” I said. “I have to tell you something. Before this happens.”

“Okay,” he said, his voice a little apprehensive. “Anything, Addie.”

“Ryan, I love you.” I paused for a moment, “I love you. And if you don’t love me, I don’t think I can do this. And it’s okay if you don’t love me, because it would be crazy, right? We haven’t known one another that long, and there’s plenty of flaws I have that you don’t know about, but I always promised myself, if I ever did this, I mean when I did this, I would love the man. Or boy. Or man boy. Shit. You know what I mean. Anyway. I love you, and if you love me back I’ll give you everything I have. My heart, my virginity, my very life. But I can’t give any of it unless I know you love me back. It’s just the rules I play by.”

My stomach was in a knot so tight, I feared I would throw up. It seemed like it took two hours for him to respond.

He cupped my chin with his hand. His eyes met mine, blue as the sky had been earlier that day.

“Addie,” he said. “I love you too.”

Most people think about that kind of moment their whole lives. I never thought it would happen when I was sixteen years old, if it ever happened at all. I certainly hadn’t imagined it would happen like this, in the middle of a field in Virginia, coming from a boy who looked like something out of an American Eagle commercial.

But it was happening.

We kissed again, in a way that was different than before. I let him slide my tank top over my head. He continued to kiss me as I slid out of my jean shorts and kicked off my foam flip flops. I shivered. It wasn’t cold, but I was so nervous I could barely keep still.

“Addie,” Ryan said, holding me against him. “You’re shaking.”

I buried my head in the crook of his shoulder, “Sorry. I don’t mean to. I’m just so naked right now and so much is happening, I guess my body is trying to play catch up with my heart.”

He laughed against my head, “You are the cutest thing on the planet, Addie McCurtis.”

He pulled back from me and I laid down on the blanket as the day’s last light hit us. There was no hiding who I was now, or what I looked like. He stared at me, his eyes wide. I had never felt so exposed and susceptible to complete emotional annihilation in all my short life.

“What?” I asked when he didn’t say anything for a while. Was he disgusted? Was he about to run away?

“Holy hell, Addie,” he said. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

There’s pretty much nothing that a woman would want more than to hear that. But of course I had no idea how to respond. If it had been any other person in the world, I would never have believed it.

“Just come back down here and keep me from passing out,” I said, my arms reaching out for him.

We rolled around in the bed of that truck for at least half an hour, neither of us really sure what we were supposed to do next. I mean, there was only so much left to take off and we were both clearly in heat, two hormonal teenagers who had just told one another we loved each other. This was when it happened, right? I couldn’t have set up a more perfect scenario.

Yet I couldn’t stop shaking. My nerves wouldn’t allow me to relax, and I had the hunch that when you were having sex for the first time, you should be pretty relaxed. I had never wanted something so much yet been so scared of it at the same time. Even knowing I was loved and desired couldn’t stop me from being so anxious. Ryan could sense it.

“Addie,” he said, after a long marathon of kisses down my bare neck and shoulders. “We’re not doing it tonight. We’re not ready.”

My heart fell. I had messed it all up. And, horrifically, I began to cry.

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “You’re probably never going to speak to me again.”

He pulled me close to him, “Why the hell would you think that? I just told you I loved you.”

“But McKenna told me what Kyle Joel did to her when she didn’t do it.”

Ryan pulled back from me, a half grin on his face, “And I’m like Kyle?”

“You’re nothing like him,” I said, sniffling. “But boys need things.”

Ryan chuckled now, wrapping the blanket we’d been laying on around my shoulders.

“Boys don’t need shit,” he said. “And men know that it’s only great when a woman is ready. I’m not interested in making you do anything and my desire for you doesn’t depend on it. If anything, it makes me love you more, Addie.”

I looked up at him, my heart so full I could barely stand to look at him.

“Ryan,” I said, “I truly want to. And only with you. I guess I just need more time.”

“We’re sixteen,” he said, kissing my head. “Time is what we have plenty of.”

* * *

He dropped me off around midnight after a couple of hours of kisses and mumbled words. Once you say you love someone for the first time you can’t help but keep saying it. It starts to seem so easy and you wonder why you were scared to say it at all.

“I love you,” he said as we pulled up to my house. “I’m going to miss you so much, Addie.”

Tears stung my eyes, “I know. Me too. I’m going to be miserable without you.”

“No way!” he replied. “You’re going to be too busy getting tan and having fun with McKenna to even think of me. Just don’t fall in love with anyone while you’re there, okay?”

I shook my head, laughing. “I wouldn’t. Couldn’t. I love you.”

He gave me a long last kiss, something to remember him by.

“Well,” he said. “Don’t let anyone fall in love with you. Try not to be so damn pretty.”

I rolled my eyes, “That shouldn’t be hard.”

He walked me to the porch. Mom or Grandma had left the light on. He held me against him and we listened to the crickets chirp for a few minutes.

“I hate to leave,” he finally whispered, his chin resting on my head. “I’ll be thinking of you. My mom gave me a phone card, I’ll try to call you when I’m in Las Vegas.”

“Good,” I said. “Goodnight, Ryan.”

“Goodnight, Addie. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I watched him saunter away, his footsteps slow and heavy, like an invisible something was dragging him back to his truck. When he climbed in he looked back at me. I held up my hand to wave and tried my best not to cry, but it was no use. He hopped back out of his truck and ran to me, lifting me up and kissing me again, hard.

“I just can’t leave you crying like that,” he said.

We stood on my porch for another hour, trying our best to say goodbye.

13

Sunday came quickly. I spent most of Saturday night staring at an empty suitcase, thinking about how much I didn’t want to go to the beach away from Grandma and Ryan. Mom peeked in around the time I should have been going to bed.

“Why haven’t you packed?” she asked, sitting on the edge of my bed. “The Holts want to be on the road by eight. You can’t go to sleep until you’re packed.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m just not that stoked about this.”

My mother sighed, “What teenage girl isn’t excited about going to the beach for a week with her friend? For free? Without her mother around? I can think of none. Are you really that worried I can’t handle things here?”

I looked up at her, “It just seems wrong to go on a vacation right now.”

“Don’t think of it as a vacation. Think of it as a break. For both of us.” She ran her fingers through my hair. “I need to get things set up for Grandma, and with you gone it makes it easier. I don’t have to worry about you because I know you’ll be somewhere safe and fun. It’s about to get real tough, Addie.”

“I know.” I laid back on the bed. Mom joined me and we both watched the ceiling fan whirl for a bit.

“Is this about Ryan, too?” she asked.

“He’s gone this week and next,” I replied. “So, no. Why?”

“I know how this feels,” she said. “Falling for someone in the summer. Someone important, at least in the way a boy can be important in a town like Rutledgeville.”

“I’m not falling for him because he’s small town famous,” I said. “What does that even mean? I could care less about what he is to this town. I love him because he’s genuine. Because he transcends his situation. He’s important to me and that’s all he cares about.”

“You love him?” my mother scoffed. “You barely know him. You shouldn’t toss that word around so easily.”

“Neither should you,” I retorted.

She stood up, angry.

“I know you think I don’t know shit about what it’s like to be you, but I know more than you consider,” she said. “I was you not such a long time ago, thinking how I felt about someone was going to last forever. That I was in love, which meant everything would always work out in our favor, as long as everything stayed the same. But things can’t stay the same and they shouldn’t, not at your age. I just don’t want you to invest so much of yourself into something that is doomed.”

Now I stood, “I’m not you! And Ryan isn’t Mike!”

My mom looked at me, the anger leaving her face for a moment.

“How do you know I was talking about Mike?” she said.

“Weren’t you? Who else could you be talking about?”

She sighed, “One day you’ll know. You’ll know I was right, but I hate to think what has to happen for you to come to that realization.”

* * *

It had been a lousy way to end the night. I ended up throwing every article of clothing I owned into my luggage and sitting on it so I could zip it. When Mr. Holt picked it up to put it in the back of their station wagon, I thought he was going to throw out his back.

McKenna was bubbly, bouncing all over the place.

“Addie!” she squealed. “How excited are you!”

“Clearly not as much as you,” I said, laughing.

“Sorry. I drank a Josta this morning. I’m all hyped up! I brought tons of magazines for the drive and I packed my Caboodle with makeup so we can play around with our look. Also, Dad bought me the new Fugees CD!” She clapped her hands, jumping up and down.

“Awesome.” I smiled.

“But don’t worry, Addie,” Mr. Holt interjected. “I also made sure to bring Lionel Richie and Jimmy Buffet with me too.” He winked.

“Ugh, Dad could you be more Dad right now? We are so not playing either of those CDs. You and mom can rock out to Margaritaville once we’re at the beach and a million miles down the shore, away from the ear infection that is Lionel Richie.” McKenna was clearly no fan of adult pop music.

“I actually kind of like Lionel Richie,” I said. “I mean, Hello?” I laughed at my own corny joke, which Mr. Holt seemed to appreciate as well.

McKenna rolled her eyes, “You are such a dork.”

Mom and Grandma sat on the Holts’ front steps, watching us pack the car. Grandma had insisted on seeing us off, even though I could look at her and see that she was completely exhausted. She’d also started having some very deep, choking coughs the last day or so. She would wave off my concern, but I could see in her eyes that they overwhelmed her.

When it was clear we were almost ready to leave, I ran over to both of them. I fell into Mom’s lap, my arms tight around her slender shoulders.

“I love you, Mom.” I looked at Grandma over her shoulder. She was smiling.

“You too, Addie.” We weren’t ones for a lot of affection, but she squeezed me back.

“And you,” I said gently wrapping an arm around Grandma. “You have to promise to miss me and talk to me every day. Mom gave me a phone card.”

“Of course, angel,” Grandma laughed. “And here’s something else for your trip. Spend it on something inappropriate and fun.”

She slipped a folded hundred dollar bill into my hand.

“Grandma!” I exclaimed. “I don’t need any money, especially this much.”

“Of course you do,” she said. “And I want you to spend every penny of it.”

We both had tears in our eyes. I brushed mine away, not wanting our last moments before being apart for a week to be sad ones. It hit me that as much as I would miss Ryan, nothing could compare to how much I would miss my Grandma.

* * *

We pulled out of the Holts’ driveway at eight o’clock on the dot. I was already flipping through a People magazine while McKenna flipped through the newest YM she’d just received the day before. Yasmine Bleeth was on the cover and a headline- The Ultimate Guide to SUMMER LOVE: He said the L word. Does he mean it?

I sure hope so, I thought.

The Holts were listening to Aaron Neville up front, Mr. Holt singing softly off key to Mrs. Holt, who was reading a thick paperback and chewing on a Slim Jim. Looking at them I thought about how nice it must be to be married. You can sit in a car for hours and not get nervous about how you look or what you’re eating, because if he married you, there was nothing to hide anymore. Mrs. Holt didn’t look like she had a care in the world. She was driving to the beach in a station wagon with her soulmate and the human being their love had made together. And her friend. It seemed like a good life to have, and I envied it.

“So what did you and Ryan do last night?” McKenna whispered over to me.

“Just hung out by the water tower,” I said. “It was pretty much the most romantic night of my life.”

“Did you… you know?” McKenna pointed to the word sex, which happened to be emblazoned on a YM quiz- Sex: Are you REALLY ready?

I shook my head, “No. But he did tell me he loved me.”

McKenna’s eyes widened, “I’m so jealous! That’s a thousand times better than sex. And to be clear I’m not jealous because it was Ryan. I’m just jealous that you’ve had someone say it to you. Did you say it back?”

I nodded, a little embarrassed, “I did. I actually said it first.”

“What?” McKenna said loudly, causing her mother to glance back at us.

“Is that wrong?” I said.

“Well, yeah. I mean, it’s risky. No one wants to be the first one to say it. That’s in every magazine quiz I’ve ever read, anyway. You are so badass.” McKenna looked at me, a newfound respect evident from her expression.

A couple hours and magazines later, we stopped at a rest stop in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. Mr. Holt sprinted to the bathroom (“I’ve been holding it since we crossed the state line!”) and Mrs. Holt went to the vending machine to get a Snickers. McKenna and I sat on a bench and watched the people coming in and out of the restrooms.

“I hope we meet boys at the beach,” McKenna sighed. “I need a self-esteem boost.”

I looked at McKenna. She was model beautiful in short chinos and a Carolina blue tank top trimmed with lace. Her skin was blemish free and tan. Her blonde hair was half up with tendrils hanging around her face and ears. She had the face of an angel and the body of Nikki Taylor. How anyone like her needed a self-esteem boost was a complete mystery to me. She was the girl that made other girls feel insecure about themselves, myself included.

“You don’t need a boy for that,” I said. “I’ll be glad to tell you that you’re hot.”

She laughed, “While I appreciate the compliment, I’d rather hear it from someone that immediately expresses a desire to make out with me.”

“Sorry, can’t help you there.”

We walked back towards the car after the Holts returned. As we piled in, McKenna said “I can’t believe Ryan Kidson said he loved you.”

“Why?” I asked. “Is it hard to believe because it’s me?”

“No!” McKenna protested as Mr. Holt pulled out of the parking space. “Not at all. It could be anyone on the planet and I would be shocked. You have to understand, I’ve never lived in a universe where Ryan and Rachel weren’t practically one word. But now it’s Ryan and Addie. And so fast. It’s just going to take getting used to. For the entire town. You haven’t even started school yet and everyone is going to know your name.”

“It’s not such a big deal,” I said. “You act like we’re Gwyneth and Brad. No one is going to give a damn about me.”

“That’s probably what Gwyneth thought. Did anyone know who she was before Brad? No. You are dating the Rutledgeville version of Brad Pitt. You’re Gwyneth. Just be prepared for the onslaught.”

“I’m not skinny enough to be Gwyneth,” I mumbled. “Or blonde enough. You’re actually closer to that ideal.”

“Well, Kyle Joel didn’t seem to be impressed with that,” McKenna said.

“But you don’t give a damn about that loser,” I said. “You are definitely meeting a boy this week. You need to get out of this delusional funk where you’re somehow the one not worthy. Kyle Joel is not worthy. I guarantee you in ten years he’s not going to have changed much from his current incarnation. And you? You’ll have trouble even remembering his last name.”

“I hope so.”

14

The Holts had rented a cottage on the beach in North Myrtle, where it was quieter. It was a duplex, so we shared half the deck and porches with the other side, which we assumed would be another family, and were not so unpleasantly surprised when we saw three shirtless college guys hanging out in the driveway, on their way to throw a Frisbee from the looks of it.

“Dream. Come. True.” McKenna whispered to me, as we practically pressed our noses against her window. Mr. Holt didn’t seem too psyched.

“The property management company told me this was for families only,” he muttered to Mrs. Holt. “I don’t need to have a bunch of drunk punks up all night when we’re trying to sleep.”

Mrs. Holt looked back at us, a knowing smile on her face, “Well, you’re the only one who feels that way, honey.”

He looked over at us and sighed. Poor Mr. Holt. He had his work cut out for him.

* * *

McKenna and I shared a small room on the end of the house that had two sets of bunk beds. We threw our luggage on the bottom of each and within ten minutes the room looked like a hurricane had hit it. Our clothes were strewn everywhere, McKenna’s Caboodle was spilled out on the dresser drawers and the attached bathroom was littered with our million hair accessories and face lotions. It looked like Bath and Bodyworks had thrown up in there.

The rest of the townhouse was decorated in Golden Girls furniture. Lots of wicker and stiff, floral couch cushions. Seashell art lined every room. The wallpaper in the kitchen was lighthouses and seagulls. It was very Myrtle Beach.

We peeked out the window which gave us a great view of the beach and the three boys, who sure enough, were throwing a Frisbee back and forth.

“So should we go out there?” asked McKenna as she looked in the mirror, running her hands through her hair. “And should I wear a bikini and a cover up or just a bikini? Or should I just wear shorts and a crop top? I don’t want to look like a try-hard.”

I laughed, “You think way too much about this stuff.”

“Well, it sets the tone for the rest of the week.” She lifted up the venetian blinds again. “I call dibs on the one that looks like Dean Cain.”

“Well, you don’t really need to call dibs,” I reminded her. “I have a boyfriend.” It felt so weird to say that sentence.

“Just saying,” she said. “Wow. We really hit the jackpot. I wonder how old they are. Let’s go find out!”

We threw on our swimsuits (McKenna chose her hot pink one, the one she’d worn at the lake) and cover ups, and casually walked down the steps of the wooden deck, our foam flip flops noisily announcing our descent.

The guys stopped throwing as we approached, each giving us a nod and a smile. Despite being a “taken” girl, I couldn’t help but enjoy the attention. The Dean Cain look-alike spoke up first.

“Where y’all from?” he asked, walking over. “I’m Brent, by the way.”

“He so looks like a Brent,” McKenna whispered to me before calling out, “We’re from Virginia! Near Richmond. How about y’all?”

“Same,” Brent said. He pointed to a blonde guy and a tall auburn haired boy who I noticed was staring right at me. “That’s Josh and that tall doofus is my brother Brandon. We go to Tech but we live outside of Charlottesville. Well, Josh and I go to Tech, Brandon’s a senior in high school this year.”

Josh and Brandon walked over, tossing the Frisbee onto the sand. My heart thumped a bit as Brandon got closer. He was incredibly tall, at least 6’5. He held out his hand.

“I’m Brandon and if anyone’s the doofus it’s Brent. He’s an engineering major so his social skills are close to non-existent.” When he smiled I could see he had deep dimples in both cheeks.

“Brent and I have that in common,” I replied. “At least the social skills part. And I’m Addie. This is McKenna.”

McKenna stood with one hand on her hip, her cover up conveniently opened enough for the boys to check out her figure. Brent was not so discreet in his appreciation of it, eyeing her up and down.

“Well, hello, McKenna,” he said. “Pink is your color.”

“Thanks, Brent. That’s kind of you to say.”

I found it funny McKenna even bothered to call dibs. When it came to her, there was no competing. Kyle Joel really was a dumbass. I could already see she was going to have a very good week.

The five of us sauntered over to the shoreline. The boys had a couple of towels laid out and they offered us space, which we gladly accepted. Josh, who wasn’t so hard to look at himself, dived into the waves, not seeming very interested in making small talk.

“Don’t mind Josh,” Brandon said, leaning into me. “He’s kind of anti-girls at the moment. Bad breakup.”

“Oh, that sucks,” I said. The way Brandon looked at me and how close he was sitting made me realize I should probably tell him I was taken, but somehow it seemed too awkward to bring up. Besides, sitting next to another guy wasn’t so wrong. And McKenna was clearly distracted next to me. I had a feeling I would be second fiddle to Brent this week who was already flirting with her heavily on the striped towel next to us.

“Addie, I was just telling Brent,” McKenna said, her voice different than it normally would be with me and Rhiannon, “That we’re seniors this year too.”

“Oh really?” I couldn’t help saying. “Right. Seniors.”

Lying about our age. What a great way to start a romance.

Brent added, “I’m going to be a sophomore this year. It’s good to hang out with some ladies who aren’t obsessed with what frat I’m not in.”

“Frats? Ugh,” I couldn’t help but say. This seemed to be the right response.

“I like you, Addie,” Brent said, tipping his head towards me. “And I really like you, McKenna.” McKenna smiled coyly.

We’d known these guys five minutes and I could already tell McKenna was smitten. I’d never known someone that could become infatuated so easily. But that’s what happens with girls like us. We’re in love with love. So there’s just no hope.

* * *

We sat on the beach for a while until Mr. Holt called for us from the deck.

“Let’s have some lunch, ladies! Your momma ordered sandwiches.”

“Coming, Daddy!” McKenna called back. She looked over at Brent, “What are y’all up to this afternoon?”

“We were thinking of going to the amusement park tonight,” Brent said, looking over at Brandon. “As for this afternoon? Probably just wait around for you two to come back out. Pretty sure you’re the only girls over twelve on this stretch of beach.”

“And under forty,” Brandon added, smiling at me. Those damn dimples.

“We won’t be long,” McKenna said, using Brent’s shoulder to pull herself up from the sand. Brandon held out his hand for me. I took it, standing up so I could brush sand off my butt. He held onto me a beat too long.

“See ya soon, Addie.” Brandon waved as we walked away.

McKenna grabbed my arm as we quickly crossed the sand, “How hot are they? And they seem to like us, huh? I mean, do you think?”

“I definitely think Brent is into you. Very obvious. And not shocking,” I said. “But don’t ditch me for a dude, okay? Or, at least, don’t ditch me too much.”

As we walked up the stairs onto the deck, Mr. Holt stood against the sliding glass door. He was staring out at the boys on the beach who were back to throwing a Frisbee again. He didn’t look super pleased.

“Make some friends?” he asked, letting us through into the kitchen.

“Yep,” McKenna said. “They’re Virginia boys.”

“Well, just remember, this is a family vacation. I don’t want you running off with some boys and not spending time with us,” he said. Mrs. Holt looked up from her tuna melt and winked.

“Oh, honey,” Mrs. Holt said, “They’ll be plenty of family time. Let them have some fun. And those boys are very cute.”

“Yeah. Adorable.” Mr. Holt’s sarcasm was not lost on us.

McKenna ate her turkey and provolone sub faster than I had ever seen anyone eat anything. She gulped down a Sprite and then waited impatiently for me to finish my ham and swiss.

“You’re staring lasers into my soul,” I observed. “I don’t want to get indigestion. Give me some time here. They’re not going anywhere.”

But I was wrong. As soon as we sauntered out to the beach twenty minutes later, they were nowhere to be seen. And the Jeep Wrangler that had been parked next to us was gone too.

“Dammit,” McKenna huffed, sitting down in the sand. She’d changed into a turquoise two piece with matching flip flops.

“They’ll be back,” I said. “Geez, you really need some love, huh?”

“Yeah,” she admitted. “It’s hard seeing your two best friends have boyfriends. I feel like everyone on the planet has someone but me.”

“But why is that so important?” I asked. “You’re probably going to have plenty of boyfriends, McKenna. You’re sixteen, not some old spinster.”

“I know but I’m only sixteen once. And all the Sweet Valley High books I’ve read since fourth grade told me that it’s supposed to be your most important year. I’m ready for my love affair.”

I rolled my eyes, “Was that Sweet Valley High or Danielle Steele you’ve been reading? I mean, a love affair? You sound like a character on Melrose Place.”

“I’m just saying,” she continued, shifting the sand with her toes, “I want to have a story. I’m ready for mine to begin.”

* * *

We spent the rest of the afternoon laying out. When the heat would get to be too much we’d jump into the ocean. The salt made our hair wavy and we were giggling over a Cosmopolitan article when we noticed the boys were back.

“Hello, ladies.” Brent sat down closest to McKenna. He had a shirt on now, something that was disappointing to both of us.

“Hi,” we both said. Brandon sat on the side closest to me, a brown paper bag in his hand.

“We came down here to invite you over to our place tonight,” Brandon said. “We have somehow lucked into some beer and wine coolers. I know it’s kind of lame but we’d be glad to make dinner for y’all. And just hang out and stuff.”

I looked up at Brandon, my hand over my eyes to shield them from the sun that was directly behind him, “What happened to the amusement park?”

“They closed it down!” Brent exclaimed. “Such a disappointment. But that was our plan A before we knew two very beautiful girls would be our neighbors this week.”

I rolled my eyes, “Right. Where’s poor Josh?”

“He’s in his room on the phone with his ex,” Brent said. “I wish they would just either get back together or stop talking to one another. It’s pretty damn irritating.”

McKenna and I exchanged glances.

“Well,” she said. “We can’t let my parents know about the alcohol. But as long as we keep the party to a dull roar, I don’t see why we couldn’t come over for a bit.”

Brent smiled, “We can be dull. We’re very good at that. Right, Brandon?”

“Speak for yourself,” Brandon said. He was still staring at me, which made me slightly uncomfortable. Mostly because I kind of liked it.

“Alright, sounds good!” Brent popped back up. “See you around seven?”

“Sure,” we both said.

The hot brother duo meandered back to their side of the house, leaving us to contemplate what we were getting ourselves into.

* * *

The Holts decided to go on a date being that we had our own plans. Mrs. Holt came downstairs in a long skirt and very frilly blouse, her perfume trailing behind her. Mr. Holt followed after her looking a little uncomfortable in khakis and a collared shirt. Probably because the shirt was tucked in, making his stomach paunch out.

“Tomorrow night we have dinner as a family,” he said to both of us, his voice stern. “Your momma and I are going to a seafood buffet and movie. You are not to leave the confines of this property while we’re gone. You are absolutely not to enter any bedroom with another male. Kitchen and living room. That’s it. Understood? I still don’t love the idea-“

“Sweetheart,” Mrs. Holt interrupted, “We need to get going. They’re fine. Enjoy a night with your wife.”

He took one last look at us. We tried to put our most innocent faces on but he didn’t seem to buy it.

“Oh, Addie,” Mrs. Holt said as they were walking out the door, “Call your momma and just check in, okay? There’s a phone card on the counter.”

“Sure thing,” I said, feeling guilty I hadn’t already called.

As soon as the door was shut, McKenna was a ball of excitement.

“We’ve gotta get ready!” she squealed.

“You go ahead. I’ll be there in a sec, I’m gonna call Mom and Grandma.”

I listened to her barrel up the steps to our room. The radio switched on, and a No Doubt song screamed down to me in the kitchen.

“Shut the door!” I called up. “I’m not going to be able to hear a damn thing.”

The door slammed shut and muted Gwen Stefani. Slightly.

I dialed the million numbers from the phone card and then my own phone number, listening to it ring so long that I started to get nervous. But finally, Mom picked up.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, relieved.

“Hey, Addie! We were just wondering when we might hear from you,” she said. “Grandma says hello.”

“How’s she doing?” I asked. “Everything okay?”

“She’s just fine,” Mom reassured me. “She took a great nap today and we sat out back and read together for a while.”

“Good,” I smiled through the receiver, “That makes me happy.”

“Y’all have a good drive down?” It sounded like she was distracted.

“Yeah, fine. What are you doing?”

“Making spaghetti, sorry. Here, I’ll hand the phone to Grandma. I love you, Addie.”

“Me too, Mom.”

The sound of fumbling and screeching chairs and finally Grandma’s voice.

“Hey, angel,” she said. Her voice sounded so small and tired.

“Grandma, I miss you,” I said, trying not to cry. “You okay? You sound worn down.”

“I’m okay, angel. After dinner I’m putting in a movie and falling asleep. Don’t you worry about me, sweet girl. How’s Myrtle Beach?”

“It’s great,” I said. “I wish you were here. It’s weird being here without you and Granddaddy.”

“I bet it is, angel,” Grandma suddenly had the most terrible cough, hacking so badly that she dropped the phone. I heard my mom talking to her but I couldn’t make out what was happening.

“Grandma!” I called out, frantic. “Mom! Someone!”

It took a couple minutes but Mom got back on the phone.

“It’s okay, baby. She had a coughing fit but she’s alright. They just wear her out. She says she loves you so much,” Mom’s voice was anxious and I immediately wished I had never gone on this damn trip away from what was happening at home.

“I knew I shouldn’t have left,” I said. “I need to be home.”

“No,” my mother’s normal voice was back. “It’s not as bad as you think. It just sounds like it. She’s okay. I swear to God, Addie.”

I started to cry, “I hate this, Mom. Why does this have to happen?”

“I wish I knew. There isn’t a single hour I don’t ask myself the same thing.”

* * *

At five after seven we were knocking on the door of our neighbors. After getting off the phone I hadn’t been much in the mood for seeing anyone but McKenna somehow convinced me to change into a jean skirt and baby tee that was way too tight across my boobs.

“Damn, girl,” she’d said. “You have quite the bod.”

I rolled my eyes, “Says the girl I compared to Gwyneth earlier. Besides, I’m not here to impress anyone.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a good flirt,” she supposed as she slipped on a tiny dress with spaghetti straps. It was lavender and made her skin look gorgeous.

“I’m just not much in the mood for it,” I admitted. “Sorry to be a downer.”

“Never,” McKenna assured me. “But thank you for doing this for me.”

Brandon had answered the door. He stood before us in Nantucket reds, boat shoes, and a button down.

“Whoa,” I said. “Preppy fan?”

Brandon looked down, sheepishly, “My brother made me wear this shit. All I own are basketball shorts and t-shirts from all the volleyball tournaments I’ve been in. But I thought you ladies deserved more than a t-shirt with holes in the armpits.”

“You play volleyball?” I asked as we stepped into their townhouse which looked identical to ours. The kitchen had a nautical theme and their living room had the same wicker chic furniture.

“Yeah,” Brandon said, “Since eighth grade. People always assume basketball but I’m actually terrible at it. Much to my dad’s chagrin.”

I thought of Ryan right then. I wondered what he was doing at that moment and how he would feel about me being here.

“He’s being modest. The kid’s being scoped out by every major university on the East coast and beyond,” Brent said, ambling down the stairs. He too wore a prep uniform of khakis and boat shoes. He had a beer in his hand and when he saw McKenna, a huge smile on his face.

“Oh yeah?” I asked, looking back at Brandon who was throwing his brother an annoyed look.

“I mean, yeah,” he said. “But who says that? I’m not a douche.”

I laughed.

McKenna walked over to the dining room table where two enormous pizza boxes lay open.

“So I guess we’re having pizza?” she asked. “At least its pepperoni.”

“Yeah about that,” Brent said, boldly wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “We had planned on cooking. We truly did. But neither of us have ever made anything that didn’t take more than three minutes in a microwave. And we actually like you ladies so we thought this was probably a better idea.”

“I picked them up myself,” added Brandon. “Just for you, Addie.” He smiled and my toes tingled at the sight of those damn dimples again.

“Thanks, Brandon.” I smiled back.

Right then, Josh sauntered down. He was still in just his swim trunks and he nodded at both me and McKenna.

“Hello, ladies.” He walked over with his hand held out towards me, “I didn’t mean to be so rude earlier. I’m just a jackass sometimes. Who recently had his heart shattered into a billion pieces so I’m somewhat bitter these days. And pretty girls remind me of Andrea. That’s my ex.”

“No worries,” I replied. “Everyone is entitled to some bitterness every now and then. Especially when it comes to love lost.”

Josh nodded in agreement, “Agreed. Thank you for that. So if you’ll excuse me I’m going to get rip roaring drunk and end the night crying in my bed while listening to Dave Matthews Band on my Sony discman.”

With that, he walked over to the fridge and pulled out a handle of rum, drinking it straight from the container. I cringed thinking of it.

“Thanks, Sunshine. That didn’t darken the mood at all,” said Brent as Josh crashed on the stuff cushions of the living room couch.

Brandon turned to me, “So your parents are actually letting you hang out with us dorks?”

“Her parents,” I said pointing to McKenna who already had Brent whispering sweet nothings in her ear. “I’m just the friend who got to tag along.”

“Well, that’s not such a bad gig,” he said grabbing one of the paper plates at the end of the table and putting two slices of greasy pizza on it. He handed it to me, “Hungry?”

“Starving,” I said. “Thanks.”

Five minutes later the four of us were out on the deck, eating quietly as we watched the sun set over the Atlantic. There was an older couple walking hand in hand across the sand. All of us waved to them and they waved back, their smiles reminding me of Grandma. The memory of that cough jarred me and I suddenly wasn’t as hungry as I thought I was.

“You okay?” Brandon looked over at me, concerned.

“Not really,” I answered honestly. “But I don’t want to be the Debbie downer of this party. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Well, let’s talk about it,” Brandon said, standing up. “Addie and I are going to walk on the beach. Y’all okay?”

McKenna looked at me, her eyes telling me all I needed to know. But I didn’t relish the thought of leaving her with a guy we barely knew.

“I don’t know…” I said. “Brent, if you do anything to my girl, I’ll have to kill you. And then her father will kill you again for good measure.”

Brent looked at me, his eyes wide, “If only you knew how useless I am around the opposite sex. You’d know you have nothing to worry about. But we’ll stay right here on the deck.” McKenna glared at me, “I’m perfectly capable of handling myself.”

“I know,” I leaned over Brent and hugged her. “But what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say something?”

McKenna was sitting on Brent’s lap at this point, her arms wrapped around his broad shoulders, “I’ll have my eye on you too.” She raised her eyebrows up and down as Brandon and I walked down the steps towards the sand.

The heat had let down a bit and there was a loose breeze hitting us as we walked towards the water. The old couple was now a small dot on the horizon. Brandon strolled next to me, a tower of a boy, his long legs shifting uneasily on the uneven terrain.

“How about we just sit for a bit instead of walk?” I asked.

“Fine with me,” he replied with a smile. The dimples were back in full force.

I wasn’t even sure why I had agreed to come out here with Brandon. I guess I knew McKenna needed alone time with Brent. And even as nice as Brandon seemed (and I couldn’t deny I was attracted to him) I just didn’t feel like being around anyone. I missed Ryan. He was who I wanted here. But mostly I just wished I hadn’t left Grandma. I didn’t see how I could possibly enjoy this week knowing she was getting worse back home.

We were quiet for a few minutes, just staring at the waves as they lapsed against the shore just a few feet in front of us.

“My Grandma is dying,” I finally said. It was hard to hear it come from my mouth and I immediately choked up, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.

“Jesus. I’m so sorry,” Brandon said. I looked over at him and his face was so genuine.

“Thanks,” I said. “I just kind of wish I hadn’t come here. She’s home really sick and I’m here on a vacation. It seems wrong.”

“My brother and I,” Brandon started looking out at the ocean, “We lost our mom last year. Car accident. This is the first summer we’ve been here without her. My dad couldn’t come. He said it was too hard.”

I looked over at him, my heart in my knees.

“That’s so terrible,” I said. I grabbed his hand without thinking. It just seemed like the right thing to do. “I can’t imagine what kind of hell you’ve been through.”

He nodded, “It’s been easily the worst year of my life. I try to focus on school and sports but it’s only been the last couple of months or so that I’ve woken up in the morning without that heavy feeling of dread on my chest. And it was harder because Brent was away at school. She died the second week he was gone. So he came back for the funeral and had to go back a week later. And it was just me and my dad who isn’t exactly the most emotive guy. He’s a good man but my mom was the talker. She’s the one I told everything to.” He squeezed my hand and looked out at the ocean. “I felt pretty alone for a long time. It’s been a hard year.”

I scooted over to him, to this giant of a boy who now sat defeated on the beach, about two seconds away from crying. And here I was feeling sorry for myself. Grandma was still here at least. And there was something so unspeakably tragic about losing a parent when you were just a kid. I couldn’t even come close to knowing the right thing to say.

“Anyway,” he said, his arm around me. “I’m sorry about your Grandma. I never knew either of mine so I’m envious you’ve had the time you’ve had with her. And all I can tell you is that you need to soak it all up, as much as you can. Death is bullshit. But I guess, in a way, it’s a small gift to know and be prepared. Not that you can ever be prepared, I don’t want to dismiss the hopeless part of watching someone fade away. But you can say all the things, Addie. So say them. Promise?”

I nodded next to him as I tried everything in my power not to cry. I leaned into him, like one leans into an oak. Its solid and sure, the thing you know is there no matter how hard you push.

15

The next morning McKenna and I woke up early. Our plan was to hit the beach before it got too terribly hot.

“Brent is a really good kisser,” she said, standing in her underwear in the bathroom, curling iron in hand. “Thanks for giving us some alone time last night.”

I rolled my eyes, “You’ve only made me aware of his kissing prowess approximately twenty times in the last hour. I get it.”

“Oh. Sorry,” she said, unfurling a springy curl from the iron. “I guess my memory from last night is a little fuzzy.”

“Yeah, well that’s what happens when you consume a six pack of beer. And Zima! I can’t believe you drank that crap.”

“I like it! Brent told me its better when you put a jolly rancher in it,” she laughed. “He’s about the cutest thing in the world, don’t you think?”

“Adorable.” I said, rolling my eyes. “Good thing your dad was oblivious to your state last night.”

As soon as we had seen her parents pulling up to the house last night we had hurried back to our side of the duplex and up to our room where we feigned exhaustion and sobriety. Her parents were none the wiser.

“I think, despite the alcohol, we made him proud. We were ladies,” she said. “What did you and Brandon talk about on the beach? Let me guess: Ryan didn’t come up once?”

I sighed, “I miss him, Addie. No boy here could ever replace him.”

“Brandon is hot,” McKenna slipped off her bra and tied on her bikini top. “It’s too bad you’re in looooove because he’s exactly the kind of guy that would be perfect for a summer romance.”

This was true and I couldn’t lie, that very thought had crossed my mind as I had spent the next hour with Brandon on the beach talking about my whole life with Grandma, with Mom, the stuff with Bennett, and everything in between. He hadn’t interrupted even once, just listened. He’d laughed at all the right parts and showed compassion or commiseration at the bad ones. It was very similar to my conversations with Ryan. Brandon was a guy who cared. And though it was clear there was an attraction, it was something different than with Ryan and I. Brandon understood a lot of what I was going through, while Ryan could only guess much of it and try his best to be sympathetic. Brandon held a great empathy with me. In a way he was living my future. I was just glad fate had brought him to me as a friend.

There had been an awkward moment towards the end of the night where we had caught eyes for a moment, the long stare before a kiss. As he leaned in, I had blurted it out.

“I have a boyfriend,” I said. He paused and looked at me for a moment, like he was hoping I was joking.

“I’m sorry,” I continued, “I just thought I needed to say that. Now.”

Brandon sighed and looked back out at the ocean, “Of course you do.”

I didn’t know what else to say. Was he upset with me?

“A girl like you?” he smiled again. “My crappy luck, but of course it’s no surprise that Addie McCurtis has a boyfriend. What a lucky guy.”

I chuckled nervously, “He’s the only one I’ve ever had.”

“Yeah?” Brandon looked at me surprised. “Well, he won’t be the last. I can tell you that much.”

I smiled, not sure what else to say.

“What about Brandon Miller?” I asked, bumping against him with my shoulder, trying to make things less tense. “How many women are fawning over the best volleyball player on the east coast?”

He laughed. Brandon’s laugh was deep for his age. It was a warm kind, not the mean kind you might hear from the likes of guys like Kyle Joel. I liked it.

“The Miller boys are kind of duds when it comes to the ladies,” he admitted. “I’ve always been kind of awkward. Both Brent and I kind of hit our spurts late in life so the dorkiness from our middle school years still remains in us, I guess. After my sophomore season of volleyball I grew over six inches in six months. I went from a skinny, scrawny guy that was under six feet tall to what you see now. It was crazy. And all of a sudden people saw me. Like, really saw me. My coaches loved it. Girls loved it. The same people who ignored me in biology class suddenly wanted to be lab partners. And I thought I would love it, but it was so hollow. It just made me resent those people more.” He looked at me, “I sound kind of ridiculous, huh?”

“Not at all,” I shook my head. “It’s kind of like someone winning the lottery and having all of these newfound friends. Except yours was the genetic kind, not the hundred dollar bill kind.”

“Well, sounds like it doesn’t do me much good in this particular situation,” he said knowingly. “A boyfriend. Damn.”

* * *

McKenna and I had been laying out for about an hour when the boys finally came out to see what we were up to.

All three were shirtless and behind the dark lenses of my sunglasses I could take Brandon in without being noticed. He was tall, yes, but not the lanky kind. He was a solid guy with broad muscular everything. He had on a pair of board shorts and Adidas flip flops. It was hard for me to be honest with myself and decide who looked better shirtless, him or Ryan. I immediately felt guilty for comparing.

“Hey, ladies.” Brent leaned down and kissed McKenna on the cheek. “Hello, beautiful.”

She smiled sweetly at him, “How are you feeling?”

“Like a billion bucks,” Brent said, plopping down next to her on the sand. “Josh, on the other hand? Not so good. He’s hungover in the living room watching scrambled cable and bemoaning the fact he drank hard liquor after beer.”

“Tsk tsk,” McKenna said. “Well, bless his broken heart.”

Brent and McKenna nuzzled noses and Brandon and I looked at one another and rolled our eyes at the cheesy affection we were now forced to witness.

“Hey, Addie,” Brandon said, sitting down next to me. He pulled his knees up and laid his elbows across them. “How’s this morning going?”

“It’s not so bad,” I said. “Good to have some friends to hang out with.” I smiled at him, hoping it eased this rigidness between us.

“Friends,” he said it out loud. “It’s better than nothing.”

“Ahhhhh!” McKenna yelled out. Brent had thrown her over his shoulder, fireman carry-style, and was marching her straight into the ocean.

“I just curled my hair!” she squealed but they were both laughing hysterically as he fell into a broken wave.

Brandon and I both giggled.

“He really likes her,” Brandon said. “I like to see him laugh. I’m really glad y’all showed up.”

“Me too,” I said. Because it was true.

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Holt joined us about half an hour later. Mr. Holt looked over at Brent and McKenna with a less then amused look on his face. Mrs. Holt was wearing a pair of Candies mules which were a terrible choice for walking in the sand. She did look endearing though with her Pepsi in a coozie and her bag of books swinging from her shoulder. Mrs. Holt was pretty much who I wanted to be when I grew up.

“Hello, girls!” she called out to us. “And boys! I’m McKenna’s momma.”

“Hello, Mrs. Holt,” Brent stood up. I thought he was going to salute her, he seemed so nervous. “Can I help you carry anything?”

“Oh you’re so sweet,” Mrs. Holt said. “I left my beach chair by the steps. I would send my husband but you’re probably a lot faster than he is.”

McKenna looked at her mother, mortified.

“Sure thing!” Brent said and with that he was on his way up to the house.

Mr. Holt opened up a rickety beach chair and sat down, his pale legs meeting the sun for possibly the first time in a year. He had on black socks with Birkenstocks, a fact McKenna found atrocious.

“Seriously, Daddy?” she said, rolling her large eyes. “Black socks?”

“What? I don’t want to get sand on my feet,” he said pulling out a newspaper.

Brent came back with Mrs. Holt’s chair and an umbrella from his own house. He not only opened the chair for her to sit in but also dug a hole in the sand behind it for the umbrella.

“This is lovely. What is your name again, sweetheart?” Mrs. Holt sat gingerly in the chair, kicking off her mules.

“Brent, ma’am.” He held out his hand, “Brent Miller. And this is my younger brother Brandon.”

Brandon stood up to show respect and nodded towards Mrs. Holt.

“Good morning, ma’am,” Brandon said.

McKenna and I looked at one another, grinning. The Miller boys’ mother, God rest her soul, had raised these boys very well.

“It’s so good to meet you, Brandon,” Mrs. Holt said. “And Brent, what a sweetheart you are to put this umbrella up for me. Isn’t he, darling?” She looked at Mr. Holt who was reading the half folded sports section.

“Yep. Very polite,” he said eyeing Brent. “Thanks, son.”

“Yes, sir. Let us know if we can run to the house and get y’all anything. Water and such,” Brent offered.

“That’s just fine,” Mr. Holt added. “Appreciate that.”

The awkwardness seemed to dissipate a little after that. McKenna and Brent went into the water, remaining a respectful distance from one another since Mr. Holt was watching them like a hawk.

Brandon and I laid on beach towels, he reading a Sports Illustrated and me trying to finally finish The Firm.

“Good book?” he asked after a while.

“Yeah, really good,” I said, not able to look up. Mitch McDeere was in a pickle and I couldn’t put it down.

“Well, I had something I wanted to ask you.”

I put the book down, looking up, “Yeah? What’s that?”

“I wanted to know if you would help me surprise Brent. “

“Surprise him?” I asked, leaning over in case anyone should hear. “What for?”

“Well, tomorrow is his birthday,” explained Brandon. “He’ll be nineteen and it’s the first birthday without Mom so I know it’s going to be tough. That’s actually why we came to the beach this year, to kind of get his mind off that very thing. But a birthday is still something worth celebrating and my mom always made a really big deal out of them. I don’t want to do anything big but I thought we could maybe decorate the living room, get a cake, that sort of deal. I was thinking maybe McKenna could distract him while we get it all ready. And being that I’m a guy I have pretty much next to zero experience with party planning so I thought maybe you could help.”

I smiled, “I would love to help. And I don’t think McKenna would mind distracting Brent either.”

“That’s what I figured,” Brandon grinned at me. “By the way, do you still have a boyfriend?”

I laughed, “Afraid so.”

“Damn.”

* * *

Brandon and I agreed to meet on the beach after dinner to discuss the plan. The Holts took McKenna and me out to Hoskins for dinner. It was a diner about a mile from the house and we completely stuffed ourselves on scallops, shrimp, and rolls. I left feeling like I had gained fifteen pounds. McKenna and I were both moaning in the back seat of the Holts’ car as we drove back home.

“I’m never eating again,” McKenna cried. “Why did we do that to ourselves?”

“Because it was so good,” I replied. “I mean I couldn’t stop eating those scallops. It’s so wrong. Now I know why gluttony is a deadly sin.”

“We’re idiots,” she laughed, leaning against me. “What should we do tonight?”

“Well, I actually need to discuss that with you,” I said. “Did you know tomorrow is Brent’s birthday?”

McKenna’s eyes widened, “No! He didn’t tell me that! I wonder why he didn’t?”

“I think I know why.” I explained to her the circumstances of the Millers, something Brent clearly hadn’t shared with McKenna who was almost in tears after I told her.

“Their mom passed away?” McKenna asked. “That’s so terrible. He didn’t mention anything like that…”

“Don’t take it personal,” I said. “He probably didn’t want to burden you with it.” Something I could understand, though I didn’t say that out loud.

“So Brandon wants to plan a surprise party?” she asked. “And so I basically need to distract him while y’all ready the house?”

I nodded, “Yep. Maybe you could go on a date or something. Dinner. And when you get back we’ll have cake and decorations and a tiny bit of a celebration.” I didn’t mention the alcohol since the Holts were within earshot.

“Okay,” she smiled. “I’d love to help.”

* * *

When we got to the house the Holts wobbled upstairs to their bedroom.

“You girls don’t stay up too late,” Mr. Holt advised. “And same rules apply. No entering any bedrooms-“

“We know, Daddy,” McKenna said, rolling her eyes. “You met the guys. They’re good.”

“They’re still guys,” Mr. Holt sighed. “Even the best guy is one not to be trusted with my daughter.”

Once we heard their bedroom door close we walked over to Brent and Brandon’s, knocking lightly. We could hear music being played from our side of the door.

“Sounds like Josh is listening to Dave Matthews again,” McKenna observed. “Poor guy.”

Brandon answered, smiling at me as we walked by him into the foyer.

“Brent’s in the shower,” Brandon said. “I was thinking you and I could go to the store real quick and get what we need for tomorrow. Did you tell McKenna?”

“She told me,” McKenna said. “You guys go. I’ll cover.”

“Josh is coming too,” Brandon walked over to the counter to grab the keys. “He’s got his brother’s old driver’s license for an ID so he can get the beer.”

“Wow,” I leaned against the counter. “Does he look like his brother?”

“Yes. It’s actually kind of eerie. They look like twins that are two years apart,” Brandon explained. “His brother told the DMV he lost his license but really he just gave it to Josh for nefarious purposes.”

“Nice.”

Josh sauntered down the steps at that moment, his face gloomy. He was still in just his swim trunks. I wondered if he had even brought any other clothes with him.

“Y’all ready?” he asked, looking over at McKenna and I. “Hello, ladies. Andrea has that same dress you’re wearing.” He was pointing at McKenna. “It’s my favorite.”

“I’m…sorry?” McKenna awkwardly said.

Josh shook his head, “No. I’m just having a moment.”

It was funny. I never knew guys got like this over break ups. They were as bad as us. Something to keep in mind for any future heart breaks.

* * *

It was about nine o’clock when we finally found the Piggly Wiggly. It was agreed that Josh would go in separate from us, as not to arouse suspicion. Looking back I have no idea what we were afraid people would be suspicious of, but it felt wiser to do it that way. Brandon and I sat in the Jeep for a few minutes after watching Josh walk in.

“Still have a boyfriend?” He grinned at me.

“Yep. Still have a boyfriend.”

“Damn.”

We sat there in silence after that. I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Talk to Grandma today?” he asked.

I had, that morning. She had sounded tired and worn out but there hadn’t been any coughing and our conversation had been longer than last time. She had mentioned Rhiannon had called and requested McKenna and I call her back at our earliest convenience. I imagined Rhiannon was completely bored out of her skull without us back in the Rut. I know I would be.

“Yeah, she’s good,” I said. “Hospice is set up now. They came this morning.”

“I’m sorry,” he looked at me, that handsome, genuine face making goosebumps rise on my arms. If there was no Ryan Kidson, Brandon Miller would be a great alternate for summer fixation.

“It’s okay. This is what she wants.” I looked out at a couple of college aged girls walking by, giggling past our car. “She gets to be home with us at the end and not some sterile hospital room.”

“I’m sorry for you too.” He looked at me. “I’ve never been through hospice but I imagine it’s not going to be easy, watching someone you love so much slowly slip away. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier. Maybe it’s out of place for me to say this and I apologize in advance if that’s the case. But I can see what’s coming for you and it’s a train I wish I could stop. Because no matter how quickly it happens, it knocks you off your feet. For a long time. When you lose someone like your Grandma or my mom, you split into two. There’s the person before it happened, who you are now. And there’s the person you are after. And for the rest of your life, you’re two people living in one body.” Brandon stared down at his lap. “I just wish I had someone to tell me that so because I care about you, I’m telling you.”

If there had been no Ryan, I would have kissed him. Kissed away his grief, and pain. I know it couldn’t have made it go away for more than a moment but I would have done that, just for him. I felt guilty to have that urge but I couldn’t help it. I was sitting next to an open wound. His soul was spilled out over the steering wheel of a Jeep Wrangler in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot and to be allowed to see the inside of a heart is not something I would ever take for granted. People don’t often let you see the soft parts, especially a 6’5 young man. It felt like something special and I wouldn’t forget it any time soon.

* * *

There hadn’t been many party supplies to pick from. We ended up getting streamers, party hats, and blowers in an assortment of colors. We also picked up a vanilla birthday cake from the bakery that had been about to close when we arrived. The kind woman behind the counter had even written Happy Birthday, Brent! in thick cursive frosting on top.

“He’s going to like this,” Brandon said as we carried it all out to the Jeep. “I bet he cries.”

“Really?” I said.

“Yeah. Not sure if you had caught on to it yet, but we Miller boys are an emotional bunch. We get it from our momma.” He winked at me and I laughed.

Josh joined us a few minutes later, two cases of beer, one under each lean arm.

“Sweet!” Brandon said, grabbing one of them and placing it in the back of the Jeep. “Thanks, man.”

“Anything for Brent,” Josh said, sliding into the backseat. I caught his eyes for a moment.

“Addie, right?” Josh said. “I feel bad I haven’t been more social with you ladies. I’m actually usually much more charming.”

“Yep, I’m Addie. And it’s completely okay. You are entitled to your break up grief,” I said. “No charm required.”

“Break up grief. I like that. I’m in mourning, Brandon,” Josh said as Brandon shifted into the driver seat. Because of his height he had the seat adjusted back as far as it would go, and he still looked uncomfortable.

“I told you to refer to this trip as your bereavement,” Brandon laughed. “It’s all good, Josh.”

“No, it’s not. I’m a schmuck. What do I always tell people? You only feel as shitty as you allow people to make you feel. As in, you are the one in control of your reactions. But nope! That was bullshit. Because despite Andrea being a cheater and a liar and knowing her deception in the long run will be a gift, I am allowing myself to be devastated and pathetic and run over. I am a hypocrite.” He flopped down in the back seat. “Fuck love, man. It’s the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Brandon and I exchanged glances. What was there to say to that?

16

“I’m so bummed we only have two days left,” McKenna said the next morning. We were picking through the clothes that were scattered across the floor. Mr. Holt had peeked in earlier and been slightly agitated to see the mess.

“What have y’all done? How are you going to find any clothes to wear? You have a floor-drobe instead of a wardrobe.” He chuckled at his cheesy dad joke.

“We’ll pick it up, Daddy. Promise to leave the room just as we found it,” McKenna said, exasperated. “Now go wear your black socks to the beach and leave us be.”

I was still tired from the prior night. We had stayed up late with the guys playing some game called Beer Pong, a game I actually ended up being quite great at. Brent had said it boded well for my college career.

“The week has gone by fast,” I admitted. I was surprised to find that the thought of leaving kind of bummed me out too. I had started the week feeling like I wanted it to end as quickly as possible. But it ended up being so much more than I imagined it would be. We’d made some great friends in the Millers, our skin was tan, and we’d probably both gained at least five pounds from the heavy dinners the Holts took us to each night. It would have been better with Grandma but it was still pretty fantastic. I was also ashamed to admit this trip had distracted me from what was going on at home and even what was happening with Ryan. But I know that had been Mom’s intention in the first place. Mission accomplished.

“I’m so excited for Brent’s party tonight!” McKenna squealed as she pulled out a blue bikini. “Although I’m more excited about being alone with him. Do you think he’ll fall for the distraction?”

The plan was that tonight after dinner McKenna and Brent would go for a long sunset walk on the beach. While they were gone, Brandon, Josh, and I would decorate the Miller living room as best we could. Streamers everywhere, silly string, toilet paper, the works. And hopefully when they finally got back we’d do the whole “Surprise!” thing and drunken happiness would ensue. The cake had been sitting in the Holts fridge since the prior night with a gallon of Neapolitan ice cream in the freezer to join us later.

“I think he’ll fall for it hook, line, and sinker,” I assured her. “The best birthday present of all will get to be being alone with you. And your father who will probably lurk in the shadows.”

McKenna laughed, “You’re probably right- about Daddy anyway.”

As I sorted through my own mess on the floor I suddenly felt her arms around me.

“Addie,” McKenna said, “Thanks for coming here with me. I know you were hesitant and I know your mind is on a lot of other stuff. But thank you for doing it. And for showing up this summer in the first place. It’s been one of the best times in my whole life and that’s because you’re here. I was really dreading going back to school next month. But now that I have you and Rhiannon, I have a feeling this is going to be a really awesome year! And we’re juniors!”

School. It was something I hadn’t thought of but I realized that, more than likely, I would be going to high school in Virginia this year. With Grandma being so sick, I hadn’t allowed myself to think all that far into the future. Even with Ryan, I just enjoyed the now, the parts where he was present. But after hearing how excited McKenna was for our junior year I suddenly realized that I might actually have a typical high school experience. The thought of that warmed me.

“Come on,” I said to her, brushing off her affections for a moment. “Help me pick out what I should wear today.”

* * *

After lunch I called home to check on Grandma and see how Mom was holding up.

“Hey, sweetie,” my mom said, sounding cheerful. “Guess who got flowers today?”

“Who?” I asked, curious.

“You! From Richmond. A Mr. Kidson had them delivered today. Don’t worry, I didn’t read the card,” Mom laughed on the other end of the phone. “And guess what kind?”

“Daisies,” I said, smiling. “Wow. That’s so sweet. Make sure they stay alive until I get back!”

“I sure will. Want to talk to Grandma?”

Grandma sounded a little more upbeat and we talked about the beach and The Firm. It was her copy I was reading but I had yet to finish it.

“That’s good,” she commented. “Means you’re having too much fun to have your pretty little nose in a book.”

“I have to admit, it’s been a fun week.” I told her about Brandon and Brent, their mother, and the party we were throwing tonight.

“Oh, angel, it makes me so happy to hear that you’re having a good time,” Grandma said. “I miss you, sweet child.”

“I miss you more,” I said.

“Oh, your momma wants to talk to you again real quick,” Grandma passed the phone and I could hear shuffling. Then Mom’s voice.

“Rhiannon keeps calling,” Mom said. “She seems to think it’s very urgent you and McKenna call her back. She called again this morning, said she’d be around all day. Give her a ring, okay?”

“Will do,” I said, imagining what it could be that Rhiannon was so eager to talk to us about. Something with Jackson, I assumed. “We’ll call her now.”

McKenna was out on the beach with Brent, her parents a few feet over in their chairs. Brandon and Josh were throwing a Frisbee in the water, laughing as waves hit them causing them to go down. I stood on the deck for a moment, taking the scene in. As much as I missed home, I could have stayed in that spot for a long time. It was one of those times you could feel the memory sticking to your brain.

I ambled down the beach towards McKenna who was giggling at something Brent was whispering in her ear.

“McKenna!” I called to her. “Rhiannon needs us to call her.”

McKenna looked up, I could tell slightly annoyed.

“Now?” she asked. “Can’t it wait?”

“My mom said she’s called a bunch and that it seems urgent.”

“Go call your friend,” Brent said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

McKenna nuzzled his nose (eye roll from me) and followed me up to the house.

“Sorry,” I said. “You know I wouldn’t want to interrupt your dry hump session on the beach.”

“Ugh, gross. You’re such a freak,” she said which made me laugh.

“I’m the furthest thing,” I replied, throwing my arm around her shoulders.

“I wonder what’s going on with Rhiannon,” McKenna said as we sat on stools at the counter where the phone was. I looked at the numbers on my phone card and shrugged.

“Probably something with Jackson. Didn’t they have a date this week?”

“Oh that’s right!” McKenna said. “He was taking her to some fancy French place.”

“Maybe she had the escargot and accidentally hit someone with it like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.” I giggled.

“What’s escargot?” McKenna asked, looking at me quizzically.

“Snails! You didn’t know? You’ve been in the Rut too long.”

“Oh sorry, Miss-Las-Vegas, we can’t all be as worldly as you!” She smacked me with the phone. “Now give me that damn phone card so we can call our girl. I miss her.”

“Me too,” I admitted leaning on my elbows as she dialed.

It rang a few times and McKenna was about to hang up when a breathless Rhiannon answered.

“Hey, girl! It’s me and Addie!” McKenna said into the phone. “Hold on I think our fancy house phone has speaker. That way Addie can hear you too.” McKenna pushed a button and suddenly Rhiannon’s voice echoed through the kitchen.

“Hey, y’all. Sorry it took so long for me to answer. My brothers ran outside and I had to chase them down the street. They are serious assholes sometimes.” I could hear her drinking something.

“No prob,” I answered. “My mom said you’ve been calling. Everything okay? How’s Jackson?”

Rhiannon paused for a moment, “He’s great. We went out last night, it was very grown up and romantic. Food was just okay though.”

“Nice. We miss you, Rhi!” said McKenna.

“I miss y’all too. Addie, I need to tell you something,” Rhiannon’s voice took a serious tone and my stomach dropped.

“What? Is it Grandma?” Had my mother lied? Was Grandma actually much sicker than she let on?

“No, it’s nothing like that,” Rhiannon assured me. “I wasn’t going to tell you until you got back but I didn’t want you to be completely blindsided in case you heard it from some other source first. Though now thinking on it, I don’t know who that would be besides me, but you never-“

“Rhiannon!” we both said. “Get to the point.”

“Okay, okay,” she said. “We ran into Jennifer Ronaldson and Kyle Joel last night. They were at the same restaurant as us so we were forced to talk to them since Jackson likes stupid Kyle for whatever reason. Anyway, that meant I was forced to make small talk with Jennifer and she told me that Rachel and Courtney were getting ready for a big trip.”

“Ugh, please don’t tell me they’re coming down here,” McKenna said. “Thank God it would only be for two more days.”

“No, it’s not that, dork,” Rhiannon said. “Addie, Rachel’s dad is flying their whole family and one of her friends to Las Vegas next week.”

“What?” It made no sense. “Rachel Lawson is going to Las Vegas? With her family?”

“Yeah. I guess her dad goes sometimes for business. Conventions or whatever. And this year Rachel asked if she could come too, and bring a friend,” Rhiannon paused. “But I think we all know why she really wants to go.”

Ryan. His tournament in Las Vegas next week. What a crazy girl to follow a boy clear across the country. Part of me knew Ryan wouldn’t fall for it. He needed to be focused on the tournament and doing his best. Her showing up was so selfish.

But on the other hand, Rachel knew Ryan pretty well. Maybe this was a play by her to get him back in a place she knew he couldn’t be distracted by me. And with Courtney there, who knows what they were capable of.

Rachel Lawson always wins.

* * *

I didn’t want to give Rachel Lawson the power to upset me on what was supposed to be a celebratory day. All I wanted was to keep my head and heart in the remainder of this trip with the new friends we had made. But it was hard for it not to be on my mind that night.

Brandon could sense something was wrong.

“You seem out of sorts,” he said as we threw streamers across the ceiling fan of their living room. McKenna had lured Brent out to the beach, without much convincing at all. As soon as she had asked if they could be alone for a little bit the boy was up on his feet and out the door in five seconds flat.

“Is it that obvious? I’m trying not to be a Josh,” I said.

“Wait? Did you break up with your boyfriend?” He looked at me with a mix of hope and concern for me.

“No, nothing like that,” I said, smiling. “It’s just, this other girl is after him. God, it sounds so silly even talking about it but it’s his ex-girlfriend and she’s kind of a big deal and he’s about to be in a huge city with her across the country and it makes me nervous.”

Brandon looked confused so I explained the whole saga of Rachel and Ryan (what I knew) and the Bitch Brigade and my new part in it all.

“I mean, this girl is something out of a magazine,” I explained. “It makes me question how long he would have to be back around her to forget about me.”

Brandon looked at me for a moment while Josh sprayed silly string on the kitchen counter near the cake.

“Addie, my guess is there is no amount of time she could be around for him to forget about you,” he said. “You’re amazing. And if all it took was some soulless hot chick to make him give you up, the guy is not worth your time. He would be doing you a favor. I’ve been trying my best all this week not to be closer to you. I want to be respectful but it’s so hard. This Ryan guy is the luckiest guy in the world in my eyes and if he’s like me all this is going to do is put him off on her more. Hotness only gets you so far. I guess girls find that hard to believe because there are so many dickheads out there. But although being beautiful is a big deal, it doesn’t cancel out the other things we desire. And you’ve got beauty. You’re really funny, and you’re really wise. You’ve got layers to you. My mom always told me that the more layers a cake has, the richer it is. The longer it lasts. You’re that multilayered cake, Addie. And in the end, that’s what a good man wants. A woman with complexity.”

I was in awe of Brandon in that moment.

“Are you seriously only seventeen?” I asked. “Because talk about wise.”

He smiled, those dimples appearing again, “I feel like I’ve lived about a decade in the last year. But don’t worry, I still have a pretty immature sense of humor. Lots of toilet jokes.”

Josh suddenly ran over to us, “They’re coming! Just looked out the window and saw them coming up the beach! Hide, you lovebirds!”

Brandon and I both opened our mouths to correct him but instead we just laughed.

We hid behind the wicker couch, shoulder to shoulder even though there was plenty of room for us not to be that close.

As soon as the door opened the three of us jumped and yelled. In his excitement, Brandon bumped his head against the ceiling fan making us all bust out into hysterics.

Brent’s eyes were huge. McKenna clutched his arm, the biggest smile I’d ever seen on her face.

“Happy Birthday, Brent!” she said, taking his face into her hands and planting the biggest, longest kiss on his mouth. When she pulled away he looked at her and pulled her in for another.

Watching them be so openly demonstrative of their feelings for one another didn’t make me want to kiss Brandon. I thought it would but it didn’t. It just made me miss Ryan that much more.

But as I glanced over at Brandon who was smiling at his brother, tears in his eyes, I couldn’t help but think I was already jealous of the next girl lucky enough to call him her own.

* * *

Less than forty-eight hours later we were all packed up. The Miller boys had left earlier that morning, leaving a sobbing McKenna in their wake. Since the party she and Brent hadn’t spent less than a few hours apart and that was only because we were sleeping. I was watching something special and I couldn’t help but be glad that McKenna had gotten the one thing she wanted so badly. But watching it drive away from her had been no easy thing to witness. McKenna really did wear her whole soul on her sleeve and she had been crying all morning.

“Of course the universe would lead me to the most amazing guy in the world and make that guy live nowhere near the stupid Rut,” she cried as I threw my clothes into my luggage.

“McKenna, he lives in Virginia not Russia,” I said. “We will visit him and he will visit you. It’s not ideal but didn’t someone say that distance makes the heart grow fonder?”

“That someone was an idiot,” McKenna said. “Distance makes the heart seek a hot sorority girl. Ugh!”

My goodbye with Brandon had been more difficult than I thought it would be. I had never had a friend that was male, at least not one I could share much of myself with. I would miss Brandon for different reasons, but the ache was similar.

“I’m really glad you showed up, Addie,” he said as he shut the back of the Jeep. Brent and McKenna were kissing in the front seat and Josh was already escaping through some headphones and his discman.

“Me too,” I said. “Thanks for the good times.”

“Maybe one day there can be more,” he said. “I have a tournament in Richmond this season. You should come.”

I nodded, “I just might have to do that.”

“I know it’s not appropriate, and you don’t have to say anything back, but I just want you to know that if circumstances were different and you actually would have me, I would want to be more than just a friend. Or even a guy you had a fling with at the beach. Remember that you’re better than you think you are, Addie. Don’t let anyone make you feel different. This week made me remember that life can be good again. Maybe even great. And that there are women in this world just as special as my mom was.”

I teared up. Appropriate or not, I wrapped my arms around him and let him kiss my head.

“Your mom would be really proud of you,” I said, trying my best not to cry. “You’re a really fantastic human being, Brandon Miller.”

He grinned one last time, the dimples prominent, “So are you, Addie McCurtis.”

* * *

Before we left I had one last phone call to make.

McKenna was in the back seat and Mr. and Mrs. Holt were strapping down the luggage on top of the station wagon when I asked if I could run into the house real quick to make sure I hadn’t left anything.

“Sure, Addie,” Mr. Holt said. “Just make it fast. I’d love to be home before supper.”

“I will!” I called to him as I ran up the deck stairs one last time.

When I reached the kitchen I pulled out my phone card. There was a call I needed to make and I wanted to do it before I lost my nerve. Because Brandon was right. I was a powerful girl, smart, and I had something Rachel Lawson didn’t have; street smarts. And the ability to be resourceful.

Las Vegas was three hours behind us so I knew it was early but Marisol was always one to be up early. Her mother didn’t let her kids sleep in, there was always work and chores to do. Marisol had been as good a friend to me as McKenna and Rhiannon and I missed her. I hated that this would only be my third call since I moved, but the best kind of friends are the ones you don’t have to necessarily talk to every day for them to be there for you and you for them.

She answered on the second ring. After the squealing and pleasantries I let her know I didn’t have a ton of time but I needed a favor.

“Anything, amiga,” she said. “You’re my girl.”

“How would you like to go to a basketball tournament?” I asked, and phase one of the Revenge Against Rachel Lawson Project began.

THE END

Read the conclusion of THE SMALL TOWN TRILOGY in the final book, SMALL TOWN FOREVER, coming soon to Amazon. To get news on its release, sign up for the Alison Ryan newsletter. No spam, just fun.