Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

About the Author

Acknowledgements

L.A.CORVILL

Flutter

Copyright © by L.A. Corvill

Self-Published

First Edition: July 2017

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademark status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction. The publication of these trademarks is not associated with or sponsored by the trademark owner.

L.A. Corvill

lacorvill@yahoo.com

Art design by Danny O’Connor @artbydoc

Cover Design by Murphy Rae at Indie Solutions

Editing by Chelsea Kuhela at Madison Seidler Editing Services

Interior Formattng by Alyssa Garcia at Uplifiting Designs

Calligraphy by Naroba Lozano at Splendidly Scripted

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without the express written permission of the author.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly,

but rarely admit the changes it

has gone through to achieve that

BEAUTY”-Maya Angelou

This is to anyone who has lost a love one and still continues to live and love.

The pink hues in the sky illuminate the room; the few moments the sun has left to shine will be gone until tomorrow. Darkness will soon fill the space, leaving nothing but the familiarity of what I most look forward to at the end of the day. There is nothing I love more than this moment here, lying next to him. This is my favorite part of the day; when he comes home and we share our evening in front of the fireplace. I watch the burgundy liquid swirl around my glass, kissing the rim as it gently swooshes over. It stains the fabric of my white shorts and I watch the droplet expand. I touch the stain with my finger and smile. It’s a beautiful red, just like his lips. I have been sipping from my glass since early this afternoon in hopes that the alcohol flowing in my system will do the talking.

“I missed you today,” I whisper against his chest. We sit on our favorite couch together. It’s a brown leather piece we picked up in a rummage sale when we first moved here; it’s old and worn but comfortable. I hear the firewood crackle and watch the flames dance around. I want to talk about having a baby because it’s all I can think about right now. It’s like babies are everywhere I turn. I see them everywhere. I hear them everywhere. It’s like I’m drawn to them. I think my maternal clock is ticking, and I’m hoping and praying his paternal clock will be ticking, too. We have been married for a few years, but we have never discussed children. Our lives have been so busy with our careers.

William and I both grew up in Austin, where we met in junior high. Right from the beginning, he captured something in me and we soon became a couple. Everyone in school identified us as one, Wilphia. It was a funny joke at first then everyone just caught on because we were always together. It wasn’t until college that we each got our own identity back. Even though we had different majors we not only remained together constantly, but our relationship became stronger. It was no surprise to our parents that we wanted to get married before graduating from college Will needed two more years after his four year degree to receive a masters, but we were insistent on getting married. We couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to be Mrs. William Stephen Collins. It was the beginning to our forever together.

Six months later we did it. We tied the knot despite our financial situation with school loans and only one income — my career as an interior designer. I didn’t have any clientele so I had to get a second job at the local Pluckers restaurant. Tips were good, which helped us but the hours were exhausting. Will finally graduated and accepted a job at an architectural firm in San Antonio, the place we have called home for about six years now. My life is perfect I truly believe the trials we face mold us to who we are today. Sometimes misfortunes lead to opportunities, and now I can’t help but feel fortunate for all that I have.

I snuggle into him again, closing my eyes. My nerves are through the roof, my stomach is in knots, and my heartbeat just kicked up a notch. I am trying to generate the right words because I know this is the right moment; it just feels right, I know it. I don’t want time to slip away from us and end up two grumpy old people who never had children. To be able to have a piece of the man I love grow inside me would be the most amazing experience. I just need to convince him we are ready for a baby.

Working from home has its benefits and raising a family is one. I’m going to bring it up to him tonight in hopes that he will be as ready as I am. I haven’t taken my pill in months and would hate to get pregnant without him knowing but I’m willing to take the risk.

I sit up to pour myself another cup of wine and realize the bottle is almost empty. His glass is still sitting on the coffee table and it’s full; he hasn’t even had a sip. I couldn’t have had the whole bottle. Or two? Three maybe? I had been sipping on my glass for several hours, shit! If I am thinking of conceiving, I cannot be drinking. I need to stop now. That is it. Absolutely. No. More. Wine. What kind of mother will I be? I set the glass back down and lean back into him. The warmth of the wine is working through my veins. My body feels warm and relaxed. It has helped calm my nerves. My eyes are heavy and my vision is blurred. Oh, no, I had too much to drink. I just realize we didn’t have dinner. I was so preoccupied thinking about baby talk that I forgot about dinner. I still want to talk about conceiving, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea when I’m drunk. I mentally roll my eyes at myself for being so dumb.

The next best thing when talking about a baby is making a baby, I laugh at myself as I think about it. I wonder if Will realizes we haven’t had dinner. I don’t want to tell him. I’ll ask him what he wants in a moment. Now, I just want him. I want him to hold me, to kiss me, to give me all his love.

I stand, trying to keep my balance and head toward the bedroom, knowing he will follow. It’s dark; the only light is coming from the bedroom lamp, slightly illuminating the hallway. I am trying my best to walk without stumbling, keeping one foot in front of the other. I turn back to make sure he is following behind me and he is. A smile breaks across my face. I reach for his hand and his fingers gently brush mine. I stop to kiss him before turning the corner in the hallway, keeping my eyes open, fearing that if I close them I’ll lose my balance and fall flat on the floor. I see the whites of his beautiful blue eyes before he closes them to kiss me. He holds me steady, placing his arm on my back. I can smell the scent of his cologne; I love that smell. His kisses are sending chills down my spine as he grips my thighs and lifts me up and spins around, placing a kiss between my breasts. It only makes me dizzier; I hit his arm to set me down, he complies. He holds my face in his hands, the way he’s done a million times before and looks me straight in my eyes. He doesn’t have to say “I love you” because I know he does. I have always known he does. He kisses my nose, then my cheeks, and lastly my lips.

I grab his hand to lead him toward the bedroom. I’m so dizzy, the room is spinning and the darkness is making it worse. I turn back to tell Will to lead the way but I can’t see him. I look in front of me and the room is spinning like Zero Gravity at the carnival. I don’t know which way is the bedroom.

“Oh my God, help me, Will!” I scream. I think I am going to vomit.

I need to run to the restroom. I don’t know which way to run. I try running toward the light; I feel like I am running sideways. I move swiftly, not stopping until I feel the warmth of my bed surrounding my body and the darkness consumes me.

I feel the warmth of the sun on my face; without opening my eyes I stretch my arms toward the other side of the bed. It feels cold. When I peel my eyes open, I see that Will has left for work already. I grab his pillow and inhale his scent; the smell of wood mixed with spice invades my nostrils.

Getting up from bed, I head into the bathroom. As I wash my face, I hear my phone go off. I walk toward the dresser and ‘Mom’ displays on the screen. I slide my finger to answer. My mother hates to leave phone messages, so she will just call and call until I answer.

“Good morning, Mom,” I greet her as I walk back to the restroom to get a towel.

“Hi, Sophia, you sound good this morning. Are you feeling better?” she asks as soon as I finish. Weird, I didn’t realize I had been sick.

“I feel good, especially with the news I have.” My excitement is evident in my voice. I hope she is happy with the news.

“Really, sweetheart, what’s going on?” I can hear some caution in her voice. My mother has always been a bit uptight; she hates surprises, but I still love her.

“I think I am ready for a baby!” I scream into the phone. “I’m so excited.”

“You? Pregnant?” There is a trace of disbelief in her tone.

“Well, not technically but I have been thinking about it more and figured why not.” I continue to pace in my walk-in closet. Being married to an architect has its advantages. I have a closet that would make Carrie Bradshaw jealous.

“A baby? Do you think that’s a good idea at this time, honey?”

“Mother, Will and I are in a good place right now. The business couldn’t be better. I work from home so I can take care of the baby. Can’t you be happy for us? This will be your first grandchild. Other parents would be thrilled by this news.”

“And I am. Look, your father and I will be in San Antonio later today and we can talk about it some more, okay?” We hang up with me promising to wait for them before I start sending out baby shower invitations.

I finish dressing and go to the kitchen to have some coffee and breakfast. I dial Will’s number, but I get his voicemail.

“This is Will, leave a message and I will return your call. If this is the most beautiful girl I am lucky to be married to, I want to say I am sorry for not being able to answer when you called. Love you, Sophia.”

“Hi, babe, sorry I missed you this morning. You know I hate it when you leave and I don’t feel your kisses. I am just calling to wish you a great day. I know that you are probably inside a building and can’t get reception, so anyway I love you. Oh, my mom and dad are coming for a few days.”

I could try his business phone but like his personal phone, it probably doesn’t have service or he left it with his assistant at the office.

I get my breakfast and go to my worktable. I have designs and color pallets spread all over my desk. Since Will was able to branch out on his own and build his own firm, we merged our careers together. He builds the structure and I decorate it. With the few clients he made while working on his old firm, we were able to build our roster and now have a very successful business. The best part is that I get to work from home.

I must have been lost for hours in the patterns and colors, because before I know it, I hear the doorbell. My parents are here. I open the door and gesture for them to come in. I hug and kiss them as they step through the doorway.

“How have you guys been?” I ask them, motioning them to take a seat. “Dad, are you tired from the drive? The guest room is ready for you if you want to lie down for a bit.”

“No, I’m good, baby girl. How are you feeling?” my father asks. I can see worry on his face and I have no idea why. I wonder again, was I sick?

“Good. Well, excited. Didn’t mom tell you my awesome news?” I ask. He gives my mother a look between worry and sadness. Really? I’m twenty-eight years old; I think I’m old enough to have a baby.

“Sophia, I called Dr. Duarte after we hung up earlier. He mentioned that you haven’t been to his office in months. Do you want to tell us why?” my mother asks, looking at my father. “How about your medication; have you at least been taking those?”

I get up and move toward the kitchen.

“Anyone want coffee? I have no idea what medication you are talking about. Besides, with me wanting to get pregnant, any kind of medication might harm those chances. I want this more than anything, mom. And tonight I will talk to Will, and I know he will be happy.” I move into the kitchen, turning on the coffee pot.

I walk back into the living room and see my parents whispering angrily.

“Is everything ok? Mom? Dad?” I turn to look at them. I have no idea what is going on.

“Yes.” “No.” They both answer at the same time.

“Sophia, we need to talk.”

“Theresa, let it be,” my father warns my mother.

“Ernesto, we have to stop babying her and praying that everything is going to get better. Obviously it has not. She is trying to have a baby. A baby. Aye Dios.”

“She is sitting right here. Can you guys tell me what’s going on?” I look first at my father; he shakes his head. He looks like he wants to be anywhere else right now.

“Mom?” I turn to her. My mother never sugar coats anything. She is blunt to a fault.

“Sophia, Will died six...” All I hear is a buzzing noise. I can see her mouth moving but the sound is gone. What did she say? Will, dead? No. No.

“Why would you say that, mom? He was here last night and this morning,” I yell at her as I go to my work table to get my phone to call him, so my mother can hear him and see that he is alive. My hand is shaking as I press on his name.

“I am going to have him talk to you so can stop saying those lies.” As I say this, his voicemail comes on again.

“Baby, can you come home and tell my mother that you are not dead. Why would she say something like that?” As I leave the message, I feel the wetness on my cheeks. I hang up and call his business phone.

I look at my father; he has tears in his eyes. “Dad, why is she lying?”

“I’m sorry, the number you are trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel…” Who would disconnect his phone number?

“Sophia, princess…” he chokes, grabbing my hand as I am about to redial Will’s number. I look at him again; the heartbreak and pain is all I see in his eyes. And just like that, there is a flutter in my brain removing the veil of denial it was hiding under.

The memories invade my mind like a slideshow, each one more painful than the next.

The police at my door.

The morgue with his cold body.

The flowers. The grave.

I shut my eyes and cover my ears, trying to block out all the images and words. I fall to the ground, a sob breaking through. My heart shatters into a billion pieces. No! Will was my forever; he was supposed to grow old with me. He was not supposed to leave me behind.

I grab my chest; my lungs burn. I can’t breathe. I gasp for air.

“Sweetheart, breathe for us, for Will,” I hear my father whisper in pain. My lungs expand, instantly bringing air into them.

I look at him and he has tears running down his face matching my own.

“Sophia, tell me how to help you. It breaks my heart not being able to take this pain away.” I know he is hurting. I can see it, but no one is hurting more than I am. I know it’s selfish but I don’t seem to care.

Will was, is, my whole world. We were meant for each other.

And now all I feel is constant pain and deep coldness.

“Yes, Dr. Duarte, I understand. Well what did you want me to do? She was taking it too far with the whole baby nonsense. Yes. Okay. We will take her in. Thank you again. See you tomorrow,” I hear my mother on the phone.

“Daddy, why? The prince never died in any of the fairytales I read. The princess was the one that always befell into the dark magic. The prince always saved her. Who will save me?” I cry onto his chest, like I did so many times as a little girl. He gathers me into his arms, rocking me.

“There will be a new prince, baby girl. Maybe not now but later. But hey, maybe this time the king can save his daughter.” He half smiles.

My mother turns around, worry sketched on her aged face.

“Come, Sophia, let’s get you to bed. Hopefully a little nap can help you.” She walks toward where we are sitting on the floor, but before she can grab my arm to pick me up I flinch from her touch.

“Don’t touch, me!” I move away and stand up. “Why couldn’t you just let it be?” I see the hurt on her face as I blame her for my pain.

I run toward my room. I slow down when I get to the hallway and see all our pictures hanging on the wall, the memories we made over the years. Marking our journey together, every moment captured in a photograph. Just there mocking me of the life I will never have again. This is all that is left for our life together, stupid lifeless memories; I can’t stand them. His smile, his loving eyes, and his face. Reaching for them, I start yanking the pictures off the wall, throwing them to the floor, not caring if they break. I pull until not one is left, a mess of broken glass and torn images on the floor, just like my heart. Screaming at the top of my lungs, I try to lunge toward the mess.

“Para Sophia! Stop mija, don’t do this.” My mother grabs my arm before I fall. I push her away.

“Can’t you just leave me alone? I just want to be alone.” I run to my bedroom and slam my door closed. I just want everything to stop hurting. I want to be with Will. Rushing into the bathroom, I search for the pills that will help me erase all this pain, the ones that will help me find the quiet that I’m seeking. I grab my chest, my heart hurts too much. Swallowing a couple of pills, I grab our wedding photograph from the nightstand on my way to the bed. I hug it to me, waiting for the darkness to take over my concisions, so I can dream about this day; one of the best days of my life.

“Will.” I smile as the blackness takes me to the memories I desire.

I hear a knock at my door and feel a warm hand press against my shoulder. The words my parents spoke that morning come flooding back, and I bury my face further into my comforter. I don’t want to wake up and face reality. Will is gone. Gone. My whole body aches and I have zero energy to get out of bed.

“Sophie, please don’t do this to yourself. Let me help you out of bed and into the shower,” Katia says, her words soft and full of concern. Katia is my friend and neighbor that I’ve known since the first day we moved into this house. She came over to greet us with a homemade tresleches cake not knowing it was my favorite, and since then I knew she was a kindred spirit. We’ve been friends ever since sharing our best and worst of each other.

“Please just go, I don’t want to shower right now,” I whisper, turning over and pulling the comforter further over my head.

“I am taking you to see Dr. Duarte. Your mom called me worried sick about you. I was only gone for a week…” Katia says. I hear her go on and on but her voice becomes distant as I think back to last week. I recall my parents coming into my room and trying to get me to eat but I couldn’t. My mom tried to get me to shower but I couldn’t manage to get out of bed. I took advantage of my parent’s kindness and they let me be. Two weeks ago they took me to see Dr. Durate and I did just that, I literally sat in his stinking office with nothing to say to him. There is nothing he can say or do that can make any of this better. Nothing that can make me better. Will is the only one that can bring me back to life, but he’s not here, leaving me lifeless.

Katia pulls the comforter off the bed. “Sophia, get out of bed. You stink, your hair is greasy, and your legs are hairier than a man’s. Don’t make me drag you to the damn shower because you know damn sure I will.” I manage to turn over to the sound of her voice. I don’t remember the last time I showered. I don’t remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror. I don’t remember the last time I cared. My eyes feel so heavy. I have to force them open and I see Katia’s kind face. I slowly shake my head in defiance, which takes so much energy I want to turn over and go back to sleep.

“Oh no, you don’t,” she says. She pushes my legs off the bed and forces me to sit up; my limbs are so heavy and my head is pounding. I walk over to close the blinds but Katia stops me. I want to get lost in the darkness and blend in like a shadow.

She leads me toward the bathroom and turns on the shower for me; I turn and look at myself in the mirror. I don’t even recognize my reflection. I don’t even know if I can ever be myself, again. A part of me is gone. I never fathomed that my forever wasn’t going to include him. Now I don’t know how to move on. I watch as tears stream down my own cheeks. I stand there staring at myself.

“Sweetie, it’s ready for you. Do you want me to help you?” I hear Katia talking but her words don’t matter. Nothing matters.

“Sophia?” I hear my name and I feel my legs give out from under me. I am on the floor crying and immediately Katia is there, my head against her shoulder. Oh God, how I miss him. I would give anything to have him back. To have him here holding me. How can this emptiness in my soul ever be filled? I cry and sob against her shoulder. I don’t know how long we sit on the floor but suddenly we feel the mist and heat emitting from the shower. I look at Katia and she places her palms on my cheeks and nods her head, yes. I give her a nod. She helps me up and out of my clothes. I reassure her I’ll be okay and she leaves.

I sit on the floor of the shower, I don’t have the effort to stand. I wrap my arms around my legs and let the hot water run down my body. I reach up and turn the knob, bringing the water temperature up as much as I can tolerate. It’s soothing against my skin and for my achy limbs. I close my eyes and take in the water. I rub my legs in hopes the achiness will dissipate. Small prickles tickle my hands, I open my eyes and stare down at my hairy legs. She’s right, my legs are hairier than a man’s. I reach for the soap bar and begin to wash my body. I search for the razor but it’s not in it’s the usual spot. I stand up and look around, opening the shower to check if I have any extras in the drawer. Nothing. I shuffle through the drawer, there deep in the far end of the corner I find Will’s razor. I get back in the shower, lather my legs and position the razor against my skin, I grip the razor and pull it away from my skin. The last time I saw this razor it was gliding against his cheek. I was standing next to him, watching him shave that morning as I brushed my teeth. I remember his blue eyes peeking at me as he lifted his chin to shave. My chest suddenly feels like it’s caving in on me.

“Sophia, are you okay?” Katia walks in the bathroom. “Sophia!” She opens the shower door when I don’t answer her.

“You’re bleeding.” She takes the razor from my grip and turns the water off. I didn’t realize I was clenching it tight against my chest. I look up and she is dabbing my chest with the towel.

I don’t even feel the sting of the cut, I look down seeing the blood running down my belly mixing with water. She grabs another towel and holds it over the wound.

“It won’t stop bleeding,” she says worriedly. That’s exactly how I feel.

Nothing will stop the bleeding. It’s like someone cut my carotid artery and it’s only a matter of time until I bleed to death.

THE BRIGHT SKIES are painful to look at today. They seem to be the perfect shade of blue. Like the blue eyes that looked at me for so many years. That loved me when I was at my worst, that were pained when I was hurt, that were concerned through my worry. The sky is a reminder of the blue eyes I will never get to see again. I turn away from the window closing my eyes. I put my sunglasses on in hopes that the dark shades will help mask out all the light in this world and the pain deep in my soul.

I don’t need to go to the hospital, my wound isn’t that deep. Well, my superficial wound isn’t.

“Keep applying pressure.” Katia looks at me and turns her attention back on the road. Her car swerves in and out of traffic; she’s frantic.

“It’s doesn’t hurt,” I say, trying to calm her.

She parks in front of the emergency room entrance and runs around the car, opening the door. She wants me to get of the car but I don’t budge. This is absurd.

“I don’t need to go in there. I’m fine really.” I reach to close the car door but she stops me.

“Sophia, get your ass out of the car.” I turn and glare at her. “I can’t just sit back and watch my friend drown in her misery and sorrow. Do you prefer I have someone come out and get you?”

I get out of the car and we walk into the hospital. Katia rushes to the admissions clerk and I saunter over to next to her. The clerk looks at me with questioning eyes. I see Katia give her all my information and I walk over to sit in the blue chairs in the waiting area.

“Sophia,” I hear a nurse call my name.

I step into a room and I am asked to show where my wound is. I lift up my shirt and remove the hand towel I had exposing the wound. The nurse inspects it and grabs gauze to clean my wound.

“Good news, you don’t need stitches, however, this is going to leave a scar,” he says.

I hear a familiar voice ask for me in the hallway and in the doorway appears Dr.Duarte. The nurse bandages the cut and I stand up from the bed, opting to sit in the chair and cross my arms.

Dr.Duarte moves and sits in the chair next to me; he turns it toward me but I keep my body facing straight ahead.

“I am going to be frank with you, Sophia. There is only one option here for you right now. I don’t know what else to offer you if you refuse to be helped. We need to agree to hospitalize you, to receive medication therapy, and counseling. This will ensure that you have the proper medications and they are taken. Consistently,” he emphasizes. “This is for your safety, of course. Ultimately, we are all trying to avoid death here, Sophia,” he says matter-of-factly. The word ‘death’ reverberates in my head like a ping-pong ball without fear.

“I have spoken with your parents and we decided this is the best scenario for your well-being.” I want to laugh in his face.

“Are my parents here?” I ask.

“Yes,” he answers calmly.

“I am not crazy. I didn’t mean to cut myself I don’t belong in a hospital!”

“It’s more than just that, Sophia. You have refused to take your medication…” I don’t let him finish.

“Why can’t I just mourn him? Have you ever lost someone you loved?!” I want to know his answer. I want to know if he has ever lost the one person who held his heart and who owned his soul.

“Have you?” I demand, my voice cracking as my throat closes and the tears begin to run down my cheeks.

“Sophia, this isn’t about me. What I can say is that your actions aren’t typical of someone in mourning. You’re severely depressed. Medication is the only way to manage the chemical imbalance that someone with depression experiences. Can you mourn? Yes, by all means. But when you stop eating and showering, or begin ignoring your loved ones that’s when it’s beyond typical behavior.”

I think about his option, his words speak truth.

“Ok,” I sigh. I feel defeated. I bury my hands in my palms and let my emotions spill out. I don’t bother to ask how long I will be there because at this point it doesn’t matter. Will was the only thing that mattered and now he’s gone.

Gone.

It’s been two months since I entered the hospital.

Eight months since my world, my heart and my soul died.

Darkness is all I see.

Everything is black.

I feel nothing.

The doctors at the hospital tell me that there are five stages of grief and I have stayed permanently on the first one: DENIAL. They can’t help me if I am not willing to help myself. But I strongly disagree. I can’t deny I’m hurting. I haven’t denied that I want my husband back. So why do they insist I’m in denial?

I know he is gone and nothing I do will bring him back. So why do they confuse grieving with denial? I have the right to mourn my dead husband. I have the right to know when I am ready to move on.

“Like I told him, he has to stop cheating on me. Or I will show him what crazy really looks like,” the blonde to my left says. Dr. Duarte thinks that group therapy will be able to start the healing. But it has done nothing to help me to move even a step closer, especially when I don’t want to take any steps. So now every day I get to spend time with a bunch of depressed people who have lost someone due to death or breakup.

“Melanie, it is not cheating when you are not in a relationship with the person.” Our group counselor Jimmy tries to rationalize with her for the fifth time. Melanie is your typical manipulator ex-girlfriend. Every time her ex has a new girlfriend, she swallows a bunch of pills. If she really wanted to kill herself, she should use something stronger than Advil. The love she has for him is the wrong kind. Love is supposed to make you feel alive. Just knowing that other person loves you as much as you love them brings peace to your life. Not hate and restraining orders.

“But I love him. No one will love him like I do, he just needs to understand that. I breathe him. I live for him. Why can’t he just love me back?” she cries, looking at all of us. Tears stream down her face. I look around the circle, pity pouring out of all the other lost souls that gather in this oppressing grey and white ‘living room.’ Gosh, if I actually felt like doing something I would redo this room. My inner designer is trying to come back to life, but like everything else in my life, all I see is nothing.

I don’t have any pity for her. At least she gets to touch him, smell him, see him, and hear his voice.

“Yes, you might love him, but he does not love you. That does not make a healthy relationship. You have to learn to let go, move on and find someone else that will return your feelings. What do you like to do besides your current activities?”

“You mean when she is not stalking her poor douche bag of an ex?” Cindy asks. “She likes to research different ways to commit suicide but not really die. Just make sure to give her ex a good scare.”

“Cindy, our motto is to not be judgmental about anyone’s feelings and actions,” Jimmy reprimands her. Cindy just rolls her eyes at him. Cindy was diagnosed with PTSD, after she came back from a tour in Iraq. There are actually five of us that makes up this ‘support’ group. Cindy (ex-marine, PTSD), Melanie (ex-girlfriend psycho), Matt (drunk driver killed his family- depression), Juanita (her husband of forty years died) and me (the widow in denial). Jimmy’s fiancée died of breast cancer when she was twenty- six years old seven months before their wedding. Depressing. I haven’t shared my story with the group. Jimmy always pushed me every meeting at first, but once he saw how stubbornly tight-lipped I was, he stopped. I just sit here and hear all their stories for one hour each day.

“I have homework for you, for the next week I want all of you to do something together as a group. You are to engage in conversation that has nothing to do with what you went through or the reasons you are all here. I want you talk about the future. What are your dreams? Where do you see yourselves in five months or in six years? Remember: no judgment. He understands that we all have been destroying ourselves and pushing our family away. We have chosen to be by ourselves. That’s one of the reasons Dr. Duarte made me come here too. He felt that if I would hear the stories maybe, then I would be able to start the recovery phase of my depression. To understand that I was not alone in my grief or in my pain.

“Now, does anyone else want to share anything today, before we leave?” he asks looking straight at me. I glare back. Nope I am fine. He looks away. “Okay, see you next week and I want to hear all about your assignment. Group dismissed. Enjoy the rest of the afternoon before your sessions with Dr. D.” Everyone gets up to leave. “Sophia, can I have a word please?”

I don’t get up. He comes and sits on the chair next to me.

“Sophia, I know you are hurting and you don’t want to be here in the group but I can’t report about your progress to Dr. D if there isn’t any. We have been having these meetings for two months and you have not yet open up at least once or joined in the group discussion. If you really want to leave here, you need to start joining in.”

I look at him and I get up, walking away. I never said I wanted to leave. Actually, I haven’t said anything at all in two months. I will not congregate more than necessary. I walk down the hall and I see Cindy and Juanita walk into the facility chapel.

Did I mention that I hate God? It was never the case before, but after giving me something so beautiful, he took it away without warning. How can I love someone that has cost me the greatest pain? How can I forgive that?

I TRY GETTING up. The sun shines through the holes that my curtains allow, marking another day here. Another day inside these four white walls; the scene that came to be my home for the last two months. I can see the light shining on the desk in the corner of the room, the only surface that has something on it: our wedding photograph. This is the only picture that was not damaged when I had the episode in the hallway so long ago. I have a dresser where I keep my clothes, but that’s about all that the room smaller than my walk-in closet at home can fit.

Home. I can’t think about it without longing and pain.

Small lights reflect tiny dots on my white sheets, trying their hardest to show me that there are even small circles of light in all my darkness.

I agreed to come here mostly for my father, my rock. I could see the despair and hopelessness in the depth of his brown eyes, so similar to mine. He was there for me when my mother’s expectations went beyond the norm. He ate my burnt chorizo the first time I attempted to cook breakfast at age the twelve. When I turned sixteen, he showed me how to drive, even against my mother wishes. He dried my tears when I felt I was not beautiful enough for the boys at school. I hate to see him hurting when I am the cause. If this could make him believe that he was helping me, then I would do it. I hope that my parents not seeing me grieve would be much better for them. I have declined every visitation request my parents have petitioned for. I am not ready to see them yet. Their anguish brought be here, but this place has also given me the escape I was seeking; a hideaway from their expectations for me to move on.

“Wake up, sunshine. Dr. Duarte is waiting for you in his office,” Glenda, my nurse, says as she does the same thing she does every morning since I was admitted. She opens my curtains and turns to smile at me. And I do what I do every morning. I push my blankets away and walk towards the window and close those damn curtains, stubbornly crossing my arms.

“One day, sunshine. One day,” she says sweetly and she walks out.

Changing my clothes and brushing my teeth, I walk out of my suite, making my way to Dr. Duarte’s office.

“Hi, Sophia. Take a seat, he will be right with you,” Lori, his nurse informs me as she gestures me to sit on the couch. To wait. Dr. Duarte has been very patient for the last two months. Him asking questions and me ignoring them, keeping silent. I wish I could express my feelings but every time I want to, I get this overwhelming feeling to just scream. I am so bombarded with memories that I don’t know which one to talk about or where to start.

“Good morning, Sophia,” Dr. Duarte says in greeting as he makes his way to his chair across from the couch where I sit. He has this serious look on his faces. His glasses obscure his eyes, but I can still see the jade in his green eyes. His dirty blonde hair is perfectly in place like always. His sweater vest always reminds me of Mr. Rogers. Even though he is only in his late thirties, his face is smoother than mine, and he is definitely more put together than me.

“How has your week been going?” Always the same question. And it is always the same answer in my head, the way it was last week and every week since Will’s death.

Empty. Cold. Endless. Without meaning.

“If you feel like that, why continue to live?” I look up to his eyes staring at me. I had no idea I had said that aloud.

“I promised.” I can hear the huskiness, the gruffness in my voice. I have not used it in about two months.

“Promised what?” he asks. The surprise is evident in his voice, surprised at the fact that I am actually talking. His question came slowly, like he didn’t want to scare my voice away.

“Will,” I answered trying to look at anything besides his eyes. I have no clue why that memory came so vividly into my mind.

“I will make the popcorn and you start the movie babe.” Walking toward the kitchen, I grab a pot and turn the stove to low. I grab the corn kennel from the pantry.

“Why do we have to watch Romeo and Juliet, again? And don’t say because of Leonardo DiCaprio,” Will yells from the living room.

“What other reason would there be?”

“You do know he has done so many other movies besides his one.” I can hear the opening song come on. I love Romeo and Juliet; the Shakespearean tragic love story made me realize that there is no reason to wait to be with the person you love. Even though it doesn’t have a happily-ever-after, there was a great love that not even death could tear apart.

I pour the popcorn into a bowl and grab two sodas on my way to the living room. Setting the bowl on Will’s lap, I get comfy wrapping myself within his arms. My favorite place to be.

During the Capulet and Montague family drama, Will made me promise something that I never thought I would ever have to keep. Not this soon.

“Sophia, promise me something.”

“Yeah, anything babe.”

“No, Sophia I’m serious Baby, look at me.” Grabbing my chin from his chest, he turns me to face him. I look at the depth of his sky blue eyes.

“Will, you are worrying me,” I say, concern emitting from my eyes.

“Promise me you will choose to live. If I ever die, promise me you will move on and continue with your life. Don’t choose Juliet’s way. Don’t follow me into death. Live and fall in love again.”

“Will, never. You can’t make me promise you that. Besides, that is never going to happen. So don’t worry about it.” I scramble to sit up from where were laying together.

“Sophia, I know how spontaneous you are. And you feel too much. I love you for that, but I want you to promise me that you will move on and not let yourself die after I’m gone.” He looks at me with so much determination that I do the only thing I can to remove the worry from his beautiful eyes.

“I promise.”

“Do you think that you are honoring that promise, Sophia? You living here, because you don’t want to face the reality of him not being alive. Is that honoring, his promise? This is not living, this is just being. Wasting away little by little. I will never know what you are going through, but I hope I can help you deal with it. You just have to trust me. Trust me to help you overcome your grieve,” he says as he gets up to hand me a tissue. I was crying through that memory. “I am glad that you were able to share that with me today. We might be making progress, but if not then I am honored that you shared Will with me.” I look at him and smile my first real smile in a long time.

I walk to my room. I still have an hour before lunch. I might not feel better, but the heaviness in my heart feels a bit lighter. I can’t believe I was able to recall a complete memory of Will and me together. I am so absorbed in my memories that I don’t feel the brush of someone in the hall but I do feel the heat that runs up and down my body. I look over my shoulder to see who I bumped into and I am met with green eyes the color of moss staring back at me. He also stops and turns to see me. As I assess his body, I see something that brings the chill back to my soul. I rush inside my room, shutting the door hard. I can still see the reflection of the ceiling lights in the motorcycle helmet he was holding.

I have never seen so much despair in such a beauty. Her beautiful brown eyes were empty as if someone drained the happiness and just left her soul. Her gauntly figure almost makes her look like a ghost; I had to look twice to make sure she was real. I’ve walked through these hallways many times before and I have never wondered about someone in one of the rooms the way I wondered about her. What could have possibly happened to bring her to this place? To bring so much sadness? I hear my brother on the phone as I approach his office. He turns in my direction when he sees me enter and gestures me to give him a minute. I take a seat on the big brown couch and spread my arms out on it, it’s so cliché of a psychiatrist to have a couch in his office and even though I love it, I always tell him to get rid of it.

I set my helmet on the floor. Nicolas must be taking to a patient’s mother. My brother always seems to have wanted to save the world one person at a time; if he felt he could make a difference in one person he knew he’s done his deed. I love him so much for that. He sees so much good in people, no matter how hopeless they may appear. He never gives up on them and he never lets them give up on themselves. I don’t how he does it, when I don’t even have the patience to deal with myself.

He’s smiling; it must be a very good day. Not that he doesn’t have good days but he tends to absorb the emotions of a lot of his patient’s, which is also dangerous in his profession. They say it’s difficult not to take the work home with you, and my brother is no exception. But, it’s also too easy to take the work to heart.

“Brother.” He stands after setting the phone down. “It’s such a beautiful and glorious day isn’t it?” he asks. At this point, I don’t know if he’s being sarcastic or maybe in need of treatment himself.

“You good, man?” I look at him and slap his back.

“Yeah, it’s just that I feel like I had a breakthrough with a patient and there’s hope, Matias. It’s just that feeling I get when it’s so hot outside and I don’t give a shit. I run in and jump in the pool that sensation I feel when the cool water hits my hot skin.” He’s explaining it to me, closing his eyes and smiling at the same time. Yes, I still think he’s crazy. He opens his eyes and I give him a dumbfounded look.

“Ah, come on, really? You have no idea?” A smile breaks across my face because I’m only messing with him. I know how much this means to him.

“Yes, I get that feeling every time I get laid,” I say. He punches my arm hard.

He laughs it off, but there is some truth to that. Not that I’m ashamed of it, and he knows that. I’m a thirty-year-old bachelor. I consider myself successful, I’m at my prime. Who in their right mind would want to be living in hell for a thing they call love? Love comes and goes, believe me I know; it comes and goes every weekend. I love her when her lips are wrapped around my cock. I love her when she rides me. I love her when she’s loving me but when that’s all over, it’s done. There is nothing more to love but sex.

Nicolas grabs his phone and we head out the door for some lunch. We walk down the hallway; each step we take closer, I feel my anxiety building as we near the room where ghost girl disappeared into. My steps falter as we approached and so do Nicolas’; it wasn’t intentional, in fact I don’t even know why. Her door is closed. Curiosity and wonder about her arises in me. Nicolas is about to question my actions but that’s when I start to pat my pockets trying to pass it off as me in search of my phone. I pull it out of my pocket. I wave it in front of his face. He nods and we head off on our way to satisfy our hunger.

THE LIGHT REFLECTING off his helmet is like a sunny days; everyone loves motorcycles but me. I would rather face a hurricane right now than a sunny day. It’s just one of those days where my wounds are exposed; no bandages, no antiseptic, no medication. Memories were dug up that had been sealed, only for me to revisit. This memory is one I visit frequently. It is my reminder to why I am still here, why I haven’t withered away, and why I haven’t just taken the sharp end of the knife or stared down deep into the barrel. I have thought of it many times and each time I hear Will’s voice making me promise. His voice is still present in my mind, I can hear it voice reverberate in my ear. I shut my eyes and shake my head. No one knows how much I want him back here. I would give anything just to get back what I had lost. Each day that passes my reality living without him gets harder and harder to bear. It doesn’t ever get any easier; the pain is intolerable to endure. I get lonelier and my burden gets heavier.

Today, didn’t make it any easier. Despite my so-called breakthrough session with

and seeing the motorcycle helmet the man was gripping was almost too raw. It caught me off-guard but I couldn’t keep my eyes from looking elsewhere. I would have given anything to look up and be greeted by my blue-eyed husband, but instead I was stared down by green eyes. In the moment, I could feel my cheeks flush and my heartbeat pitter-patter. The elation that my body felt thinking it was him was immeasurable and at the same time deadly. I wish that nanosecond lasted so much longer, just so that I can feel the happiness, the love, and the life he once gave me.

I want to hate the world. I want to blame someone. I want death to come and sweep me away. But it won’t and I can’t. My heart beats for him, to keep him alive in me. No matter how many deaths I wish upon myself, I can never take my own life. I know Dr. Duarte understands that now, session after session he has tried break through to me, to get me to talk and today he did just that. He exposed me without wanting to; the words just came right out. I felt naked like he left me bare and vulnerable. Now I can’t take back my words. He heard the memory I entombed, he saw the emotions I was trying to calm, and he knows why I repress the thought of death.

“Sophia.” Katia walks into my room with a basket of flowers and sets it on the ledge of the window. The colorful arrangement brings brightness to the beige dull walls and the ugly linoleum floor. “The flowers are for you.” She smiles as she arranges them nicely in place.

“Oh, I wouldn’t have thought so. Thanks for the clarification. I’m surprised the suicide patrol allowed them in. I might sniff myself to death or try to find a way to hang myself with the basket.” She turns and looks at me, taken back by my words.

“Sophia, it’s not funny. You being here is no laughing matter. I miss you. It’s been two months without you. I hate you being here; it’s not the same without you. You’re the cup to my cake and without you, it’s just cake. You need to come home.”

“Home to what, Katia? An empty house? Having dinner alone, lying in bed cold and with no one to comfort me. Laughing at something and having no one laugh with me. What the hell am I going back to? Nothing, that’s what.” Words come out harsher than I anticipate but it’s my reality. My truth. I have to come to terms with what my life will be, and has been, after his death.

“I’m sorry but what kind of life will you have if you don’t try? You need to live for yourself now. I will always be there. You know that; day or night, sane or insane, I’m there.”

“I know.”

The evening passes us by, the two hour visitation is not enough time. We exchange the last of our few words as she hugs me tight and exits the room, leaving behind the loneliness that was already lurking in the crevasses of my mind.

The quietness doesn’t last long, the suicide patrol waltzes in and hands over my cocktail for the evening. My happiness lies in a medicine cup. I look down into the cup before tipping my head back and swallowing the pills, with a cup of water. The same thoughts cloud my mind each time I feel them slide down my throat. Will happiness ever come outside of these little things? Or will these always be the reason for my contentment? I have to admit, the sleeping pills are my favorite. They take me to a place where my dreams are so vivid they are almost real. I see Will in my dreams every night, where we have our life together. I am no longer waking with the terrifying nightmares where he’s gone and I’m left alone. These are the times where I get to feel his love again. So I count the minutes that it takes before I get to my dreams, until the medication takes effect. Thirty minutes to be exact.

Dr. Duarte comes in right before I settle in for the evening.

“Doctor, to what do I owe the pleasure to this evening?” I am surprised by his presence so late in the evening he usually only comes when I was refuse to take my medication but I have been taking it regularly so this really is a surprise.

“I was doing some rounds and I thought I’d just stop by and talk to you about maybe going home soon. You’ve been doing well on your medication and after speaking with Jimmy your counselor and he sees no reason to keep you longer. I have spoken with your parents…”

“But where will I go?” I interrupt afraid to go home. Alone. To nothing. To no one.

“Home Sophia,” he says.

I sit there, lie there and cry until and I wake up in my dreams with Will.

My hand stiffens around the beer bottle I am holding; the stress of all the business meetings I have been having this week have tightened up my muscles. I can’t wait to release some stress. Bringing the beer to my lips, I feel a pat on my back as someone takes the stool next to mine.

“So this is where you have been hiding, hermanito?” Nicolas asks as he motions to the bartender for a drink. I lift mine up so he can bring us back two.

“Yep.” I take the last swing and turn to him. “I didn’t know setting up my own firm was going to be as hard as this. There are permits and licenses everywhere I turn. Aye, hermano. Tell me again why I ever thought this was better than traveling the world,” I unloaded.

“Well, I think you said that you were tired of not having a home and that you wanted to build something on your own instead of helping others build their empire,” he answers as he takes a swing of his beer.

“So why are you here? Did you have something to talk about? Because even though I enjoy your company, I know you are not here to babysit me,” I question since he hardly ever drinks on a workday.

“A patient brought me here,” he responds. I can see the worry on his face, which surprises me because Nicolas is always so sure of everything he does and says.

“Is my brother losing his magical touch?” I joke.

“Funny. I have been working with this woman for the past eight months on and off; I have not been able to help her to move on with her grief. But the other day in one of our sessions, she actually spoke after two months of complete silence and she revealed that she wasn’t capable of suicide like we all originally thought. When we all thought that pushing her into staying at the center would save her, we were giving her the escape that she was looking for,” he sighs.

“That’s why you are the smart one, hermano.”

“All this time we, her family and I, thought that hospitalization would be the key to save her, but we been safeguarding her. We are keeping her locked up and not letting her deal with the loss. The center has been her bubble of denial. When I talked to her about her leaving, I saw what I knew already her fear of moving on,” he finishing taking a long gulp of his beer.

“Nicolas all you have to do is to send her on her way and thank God that she didn’t kill herself on your watch.” I take the last drag of my beer and stand up.

“Your sympathy is duly noted, Matias.”

“Ready to go, muñeca?” I tell the blonde to my left, the Spanish pet name for doll flowing out of my lips smoothly. Her mouth opens in a small gasp as she hears it. I know that she has been hanging out beside me just for this opportunity.

I don’t even let her speak as I grab her elbow and steer her outside. I am ready to lose myself on the best body of art possible, the human form.

The drive home is silent and fast. Before I know it, I have her pushed up against the wall in my living room, panting for my cock. Clothes litter from the front door to the wall. She unwraps her legs from my waist, slamming me against the wall. She deepens the kiss and pulls my bottom lip with her teeth before she sinks to the floor, taking my hard dick in her hands moving them up and down.

“Fuck,” is all I can manage as I feel her wet lips on my shaft, her tongue licking the crease. “Fuck,” I growl again. Grabbing her head, feeling how my cock slides in and out. I hear her gag a little, bring her up from her hair, and I take her mouth in mine again. I speed walk backwards to the bedroom and slam my cock into her awaiting warmth.

I knocked out before I could even learn her name.

I FEEL A hot body close to mine and I wake up, pushing it off. I hate to spoon, it makes me start sweating and in turn, uncomfortable.

“Good morning,” comes out of her mouth, the mouth that sucked me dry in the wee hours. I turn back towards her from pulling up my shorts. She has bed hair and dark circles under her eyes from her makeup. Yeah, not a very sexy look.

“Look, I have to take a shower since I have a meeting…”

“You don’t have one until ten,” she interrupts me.

“I don’t have one what?” My confusion is apparent.

“A meeting.”

“And how would you know that?” If this bitch went through my things, I will definitely call the cops. I have had girls make copies of my keys and have entered my home without my knowledge. There was this one time in Prague that I was tired of sleeping around and decided to go out on dates with this one girl. After three dates, I came home to her in my home cooking dinner and washing my clothes when I never gave her key, or told her where I lived. So yeah, I get suspicious when girls know more about my life than what I’ve told them.

“I’m your new PA.” My brow furrows deeper. “Seriously, I was with you all day yesterday taking notes.”

“You inform me now, after we fucked!” I grate out through my teeth, trying to keep my anger at bay. But just seeing her continuing to relax on my bed has me sizzling.

“What is the harm? I enjoyed it and so did you. We are both adults.” She gets on her knees and crawls closer to edge of the bed. “Beside we can work and play together.” She pouts as she comes to stand in front of me naked. She tries to kiss me but I move out of her grasp.

“Get your sh-stuff and leave. I can’t have you here if you work for me. This is bad at so many levels. You should have said something on the ride here.”

“You didn’t give me a chance. I thought you would remember me anyway, since you called me doll again,” she says in a hiss as she starts picking up her clothes walking to the restroom. Running my hand over my face, I decide I am royally screwed. I just have to make sure that it never happens again. I have to pay more attention to my staff. Maybe I should just employ males.

I walk to my dresser and take money out of my wallet.

“Here’s for the cab...” I give it her as she comes back into the room, putting on her shoes. I look at her because I really can’t remember her name.

“Jesus! Jennifer!” she inputs as she snatches the money from my hands. Walking out of the room, I hear the front door slam. Well that went well. I walk to the bathroom to get ready for another day of hellish documents and permits. And now without a personal assistant. My mother will be so mad mostly since she helped me hire her.

I DON’T WANT to leave.

I don’t want to go back to the outside world where there is no Will. I am not ready to face everything again. It’s too soon; eight months is not enough time to mourn. I’m scared of going out there and having his memory fade away. Time moves faster when you are living in it. So many changes are happening too fast. My parents put our house up for sale, well my house now. At first, I was mad that my mother decided to make that decision without consulting me but I’m glad since I can’t go on living there without Will. I don’t even know how I made it for six months before my breakdown. Those walls help house my memories; they prevent me from forgetting his laugh, his smell and his voice.

“Sophia, do you have all your stuff packed?” Katia asks as she comes into my room.

“Yes. I think so.” It’s not like I brought much. Just some clothes and our wedding picture.

“Sophia, I know this is hard on you, but you have me girl. I will not let you down. I will always be here for you. Remember, you are the cup to my cake,” she says, rubbing my back as I grab my bag and sling it over my shoulder.

“I know.” I don’t even smile; it was more like a grimace.

“Knock, knock. Are you ready to go?” Dr. Duarte says from the door. No, I am not. He shakes Katia’s hand and walks towards me. It has been two weeks since I opened up to him during our session, and that he started with his plans for I like to to call: Operation Get Sophia Out. My counseling sessions went from two hours a day to four hours a day to have more time with a counselor, more one-on-one sessions. Group session continued as always, with everyone sharing but me.

“Packed ready, yes. Emotionally ready, no. But you are kicking me out so yeah I guess I am,” I tell him, making my way towards the door.

“This is hard for me Sophia, so I know it is harder for you, but we need to make sure you take steps to re-integrate yourself back into society. We can’t keep protecting you. You have a life to live and a career that is waiting for you at home. I will always be a phone call away and you still have to see me once a week at my office downtown.” I look at him and walk out of the room, Katia rushing out to catch me.

“You were rude Sophia,” she reprimands me as she laces her arm through mine, making our way down the hall towards the parking lot. I had signed all of my paperwork this morning right after breakfast. The group had given me going away cards and awkward hugs, since I was never an active part of the group.

Katia pushes open the door and I feel the sunlight on my skin for the first time in weeks. I can feel the warmth sinking through my clothes trying to defrost my cold heart. I pull my sweater closer around me and walk faster towards the car. Katia opens the doors and I rush to put my things on the back seat and get inside the car. She gets behind the wheel and turning on the car she grabs my hand, squeezing it.

“It will be okay, Sophia.” I don’t know if she was reassuring me or herself. She takes off for home.

We get to the place where I have lived the happiest days of my life to date. Katia and my parents packed all my stuff so it could be ready for the movers tomorrow. They thought me living with Katia in a different location would be best for now. She was able to secure an apartment in one of the best buildings downtown called The Tower. We have half a floor to ourselves. It’s kind of like a duplex; each floor has two apartments.

“You don’t have to go in, Sophia. Everything is packed. Nothing was left behind.” I turn to her, finally giving her a half smile. I know she is doing this for me. The moving must be an adjustment for her too. She is the best of friends. Who else would up-root their lives for someone else?

“It’s okay I just need a moment.” I take a big breath, trying to build the courage to walk inside.

I get out of the car and I walk the sidewalk that we walked hand-in-hand that first day, eager and excited at having our first home. He carried me over the threshold and we made love on the empty living room floor. I open the door, and the nostalgia hits me like a freight train. The emotions keep bombarding my heart. The tears start, tearing a sob from by chest as I slide down the wall in the entry-way.

How can I move on, Will?

“Shit!” The box slips out from underneath my fingers. No. No. No! I quickly sit on the pavement and pull the tape as hard I can and I look inside. I sigh in relief when I don’t see shattered glass. This box holds my memories of time frozen in place.

I see a man in my peripheral vision standing nearby and staring at me. My heartbeat increases as he walks towards me. I try to look away but my eyes gravitate to him and when he smiles at me, I ignore it. I look around for Katia but she has gone up to the apartment to take some boxes.

“Hey muñeca, you don’t need to make a scene to get noticed. If you need help just ask me for it,” he says casually.

“What? No, I don’t need help. My friend and I got this.” I bend down as he watches me. He’s smiling the whole the time.

The box is heavy as hell but I manage to pull it up. Jerk. If he were a gentleman, he wouldn’t need me to ask him for help, he would just do it. I walk away and luckily, Katia walks out as I’m about to walk in. She holds the door open and I walk in as quickly as I can to the elevator. I press the button and the doors open without any wait time. Thank you, Lord Jesus. I enter the elevator and drop to the floor with box on my lap. I couldn’t hold it one second longer. I just had to show that a-hole that I didn’t need his help. I reach my floor but I can’t manage to get out; my arms feel like spaghetti and the box is heavier than before. I scoot it out of the elevator, being careful I not to damage its contents. I manage to get the box into the apartment as far in as I could before lying sprawled out on the floor. I turn over and take a deep breath. I need a breather before heading back down to grab another box. My back against the floor feels so good I can’t manage to move I didn’t even close the door my feet are still partially sticking out in the hallway and our neighbors are probably wondering why some girl has her feet sticking out her door. They’ll probably think I’m a drunk and have just thrown myself inside. Right now, at this very moment, I don’t care. My eyes close for just a second. I can feel the exhaustion setting in along with the heaviness of my limbs. I hear Katia laughing and then I hear his voice. Damn her! She asked him for help. I open eyes as the quietness sets in and I see them standing over me and staring. I see him with that stupid smile and he looks a lot taller from down here.

“Yes?” I ask, directing my question at him.

“Nothing,” he replies. He wipes the stupid smiles off his face; but I know what he’s thinking. He knows the box was too heavy for me.

“Sophia, you should’ve asked him for help if you needed it. Hey, is that the box with all the pictures?” She sets her box down and checks inside the box I brought up. “Oh my God, it is! Why would you carry it?” she asks.

“Because I was able to, that’s why.” I rise from the floor and head back down to get more of our stuff.

The kind gentleman Matias, happens to be our next-door neighbor, or shall I say right across the hallway neighbor. He managed to lend a helping hand to his new neighbors. The trips to and from the car seemed never-ending but when I grabbed the last box, relief washed over me; it was a long day. I set the box down to double check we got everything and close the door. I swear next time we are getting a moving service.

I OPEN MY eyes and everything is a blur. The only thing I see clearly are the air bubbles escaping from me and floating up. The muffled sound of Katia’s voice catches me by surprise and I take in some water into my nose. I raise my head from the tub as I feel the burn in my nose. Katia takes a seat on the toilet.

“I know today was difficult but I want to say that I am proud of you. All that you have endured and you still have the courage to live. That in itself is amazing. I saw how broken you were today as we walked into the house to take the last of the boxes. You are a strong woman Sophia.” Her words of endearment are so encouraging. At the same time I’m faced with the truth once again of what my life once was and now is. Empty and alone.

“Hey, look what I pulled out of the magician’s hat,” she says pulling the bottle of wine out from under the towel. A smiles breaks across my face as I’m hoping to disguise my sadness. She leaves and I’m left there with invading thoughts of Will. When my mind is not busy it is bombarded with thoughts, memories, feelings, and dreams of what could have been. Life has wronged me by stealing the best part of me; I still don’t know how to take a step forward without him. It’s like walking blindfolded I don’t know which direction to go without falling. I get out of the tub before she comes in here and gets me out herself. I quickly dry myself off, throw on a tee, and put my hair in a messy bun.

The only piece of furniture we moved in was my brown leather couch. It was the only thing I wanted to keep; everything else will be going into storage when I sell the house. I walk into the other room and Katia is going through boxes in the kitchen floor.

“Hey, do you know where we packed the glasses?” she asks as she continues searching through another box labeled ‘kitchen.’

“They should be here somewhere,” I say looking around the room.

There is a knock at the door. I turn to look at Katia but she is too busy searching for the glasses. I assume she ordered take-out since we have no food and we haven’t eaten since breakfast. I grab my wallet and answer the door.

“Hi,” my smile literally disappears.

“So you aren’t so happy to see me?” His smile is bigger than ever. I turn to Katia who is still too damn busy to even notice we have company. “I bought dinner for my new neighbors,” he says walking past me inviting himself in.

“Hey you, I’m just looking for the wine glasses, which seem to have been misplaced,” Katia says not bothering to look at me and my irritated expression.

“Not to worry, good thing I live right across the hallway, I’ll go grab some.” He walks past me again with that stupid smile. He exits the apartment and with him goes his grin. My attention quickly turns to Katia.

“What the hell, you didn’t even tell me he was coming. I would have at least worn a bra Katia.” I’m trying to keep my voice low and to avoid being heard. I don’t want to make her feel bad but I am really exhausted tonight and not in the mood for company. I rush to my room to find my bra and search for some shorts.

He causally waltzes back into the apartment without knocking. Seriously, who does this he think he is? He holds up the three glasses, setting them on the counter and winks at me as he rounds the corner to the kitchen. I’ve never meet anyone so ill-mannered. He pulls out a corkscrew from his back pocket and waves it around in the air.

“Oh my God, you’re awesome!” I hear Katia say. His smile only gets bigger and he begins to uncork the wine bottle. My eyes narrow at her and she mouths “what?” as I roll my eyes and sit on my leather couch. I bet that is the reason that man acts the way he does, like he’s privileged to do what he wants.

The sky is morphing into cooler hues, the blending colors are mesmerizing and for a brief moment, my wounded heart was bearable.

“Hey, your glass, muñeca,” he whispers with his hand on my forearm. I glance down at his hand and immediately move my arm from his touch. I glance to meet his grey eyes staring right at me.

“Thank you.”

“The pleasure is all mine.” He walks toward Katia, handing her a glass. “A toast to my new neighbors, may you both be as happy here as I am.” He raises his glass and takes a drink. Katia does the same. I only take a small sip. I really need to eat before having anything to drink.

Katia manages to find plates and sets them on the floor in our living room. I continue to stay seated on the couch. Matias finds a place in front of the couch and leans against it his long legs stretched out in front.

“I brought Mexican food, because everybody loves tacos. Right?” he asks.

“I love tacos,” Katia says with a little too much excitement. I think cup two is already taking effect. She has always had a low tolerance for alcohol. I don’t even know why I agreed to this; if she has one more glass before having a taco she will be blabbering and then sleeping, leaving me in an awkward situation with Mr. Cocky Pants.

“Ok, so I’ll have a taco.” I request one in hopes that we can begin eating and end the night early. Today has been exhausting and the sooner this dinner is over the sooner this day will be over too.

We eat and talk about our surrounding neighbors, and discuss where the best places to eat on this side of town are located. I try to avoid talking about anything personal because I know that touching the subject will a) bring me despair and b) make him pity me. Katia, on the other hand, has completely lost all her senses with four glasses of wine and two tacos. He already knows that she is a single elementary school teacher, she doesn’t like beer unless it’s with lime, she loves all types of music, she grew up in Dallas, she loves books, moved to San Antonio six years ago, we have been friends since her moving here, and she has only had two serious boyfriends and she is ready for one now.

I stand and leave them talking in the living room; I round the corner to my room when I hear Matias says he has been an architect for eight years and that it has always been his dream. I shut the door to my room and lean against it, sliding down until I’m on the floor. Hearing that word, architect, made my heart skip a beat. Thoughts of Will immediately come to mind; it makes my heart ache and pain is too great to bear tonight that I’d rather sleep to ease it even if it’s just for a few hours.

I extend a comforter on the floor and throw a pillow on top; it’s my make shift bed or until I buy one. I lie on my side, trying to find a comfortable spot but my body is so worn from the day’s work that any spot will do. I close my eyes, and the heaviness and exhaustion combined with the coolness and darkness is all my body needed to subdue to my sleep.

The sun comes up and it goes down. It goes up again and it goes down again.

That is the endless, pointless cycle that my life has become.

Days turn into weeks, weeks into four months.

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that any day can be my last. That another accident can happen taking me away from this earth and joining me with my love.

I never went back to see Dr. Duarte. I was so mad at him for kicking me out of the center when I was not ready. My parents are mad at me for that, but they can’t make me go I’m not a teenager. My mother said she will not talk to me again until I go see Dr. Duarte. That’s fine by me. I don’t need her judgmental bullshit. It does hurt that my dad said he was disappointed in me. But nowadays I’m numb to the pain.

The sounds of pans banging in the kitchen makes me get up from the bed. The amplification of the sound thunders through my dehydrated brain. By the queasiness I feel and the sour taste in my mouth, I bet I finished the vodka bottle last night. Dragging myself to the restroom without opening my eyes, I rinse my mouth and empty my bladder.

“Fucking shit!” is what I hear coming from the kitchen as I make my way down the hall.

“Why are you fighting with the pans? Some of us don’t need to go into work this early,” I say to the back of my best friend and roommate. I can see her scrubbing away something on the sink.

“It’s not like you do anything anyways,” she mumbles, still not turning around.

“I get out of bed, don’t I?” If she only knew how hard that is to begin with. How every morning I wake up hoping that everything was just a dream and Will would walk through our bedroom door with my cup of steaming coffee, to drag me out of bed.

“I don’t know for what,” she states as she turns around, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. “With you surfing the net all day and drinking yourself to oblivion every night since we moved in you could just stay in bed.”

“I work; surfing the net is my job. I need to look at patterns and colors. Besides who cares if I drink? I am not harming anyone. I don’t leave the apartment.” Why do I have to explain my actions to anyone? I am a mature woman. I don’t need anyone’s permission to live my life.

“You hurt yourself every day. Do you think that Will would want to see you looking like this, Sophia?” Katia says, giving me a once over.

“Don’t fucking bring him into this; he has nothing to do with any of it,” I yell I am so pissed off at her. How can she bring up Will to prove a point?

“Are you fucking kidding me Sophia? He has everything to do with this. Him dying has made you like this.” She moves her arm up and down my body, once again. “You don’t eat. How long do you think that just coffee and cigarettes will sustain you? Without adding all the liquor you consume every night. Look at you, you are just the shell of your old self. Sometimes I hate him for making you love him so much and then leaving you.” Her anger starts leaving her as it turns to sorrow. “I don’t think this is what Dr. Duarte had in mind when he kicked you out. You are drowning, Sophia and you don’t let me help you.”

“Don’t you ever fucking use Will to hurt me again! And I told Dr. Duarte I was not ready to leave. So, I don’t care what he had in mind,” I yell as I turn to go back to my bedroom, but not before seeing the pity in her eyes. I can’t stand the pity or the advice. Nobody knows how the pain has overtaken my body. Nothing fills this void I feel. But the alcohol helps me forget even for a second that I am now alone.

Reaching my room, I slam the door shut and sliding to the ground, I let the tears fall. I always think I won’t be able to shed anymore, but there’s are always a fresh flow just waiting.

“Sophia, I’m sorry,” I hear Katia whisper through the door. “I just worry about you, and I was mad because I burned the breakfast I was preparing for you today. And my dick of a principal didn’t give me today off as I had requested. I just wanted us to do something together. I just didn’t want today to be rougher than usual.” I can hear her tears matching my own. “Sophia, please open the door.” I can’t. Her words brought my fears to the surface, that Will would have never of loved the woman I have become.

“I have to get to school. I’m on bus duty. We can talk when I get home. I will bring dinner, okay? I love you,” she sighs and walks away. I hear the front door open and close.

I walk to my bed again; my alcohol-induced headache is now making its presence known. I get painkillers and snuggle back into bed. I fall asleep instantly.

FOR THE SECOND time today, I am awoken by racket. This time it’s coming from a sequence of annoying bells, my phone. I sluggishly reach an arm out to get my phone from the side dresser. Nobody ever calls me. By the time I get it, the ringing has stopped. I look at the screen and I have seven missed calls from Will’s mother, Amelia Collins. My phone beeps in my hand alerting me of a voice message. I enter my password and wait for the message to come on.

“Sophia, are you okay? I know you have left the hospital because I talked to your parents. So I have no idea why you would miss the mass today. The one for Will, for his one-year anniversary. Why would you miss it?” All I heard next is static. My brain cannot comprehend anything after she said ‘Will’s one-year anniversary.’ How could I forget? Dropping the phone on the bed, I hear the message still playing, “we just don’t understand, have you forgotten all about our Will? We waited for you…”

I rushed to the kitchen to get the only thing that could stop the roar I hear within my body. Tears are streaming down my face as I twist open the tequila bottle. I don’t bother getting a shot glass, nor salt and lemon. Taking a swing, I feel the burn slide down my throat. Anything is better than hearing the sound of my already shattered heart breaking into even smaller pieces. How could I forget the date of the worst day of my life? Every day I replay the same thing over and over again. Our life together. Everything, except that fatal day. And today of all days I forget, how can I forgive myself? I remember Mrs. Collins calling me sometime last month, explaining what she had planned regarding the anniversary. But like everything else, it became a distance memory since I was tipsy at the time. No wonder Katia told me that today was going to be hard. I thought she was just talking in general since every day it is a struggle.

I walk over to my desk and look at the calendar where I had erased today’s date. I hate that date, so I deleted it from my existence. I can feel myself becoming sluggish and the bottle is empty. I need more. I will never survive today sober, but do I want to survive today? No. Looking at the wall clock, I notice that it is 5:15 p.m. Katie should be done with after school bus duty and should get here any moment. The last thing I want to do is face her and talk. I rush to my room, well more like sway to my room to change and leave. I want to be anywhere else but here before everyone that loves me calls me. My phone rings; “Mom” lights up the screen. I know Mrs. Collins probably called her. Because as soon as my mother’s phone number disappears Katia’s shows up, so I shove my phone into a drawer.

I stumble onto the street and make my way to a bar that I had seen on my rare outings to the liquor store that is two blocks away. It’s close since I don’t want to drink and drive. I believe it is called the ‘The Office’. There's more of a crowd than I would have liked, but given that it’s 5 o'clock, I am not surprised. This is my first time here; it's trendy kind of place. In another life, this would have been a great place to hang out. There are small tables surrounded by purple sofas lining the outer perimeter. They are being used by young guys with discarded ties and girls with their hair down after a stressful day at work. There are some dining-style tables in the middle of the room, filled with people having a light dinner. The music is on the latest pop/rock shuffle, low enough to hear the chatter over it. I can see the bar in the back; there are liquor bottles lined up from one end to the other, ready to be mixed and handles for every kind of domestic and imported beer line the front of the bar. There's a glass chandelier hanging from the roof, giving this place a classier look. This is not your hole-in-the wall joint where the town's drunks hang out. This is a place to network, for either bed partners or your next work project.

I take a seat to the corner at the end of the bar as far away from the crowd as I possibly can. As soon I sit down, the bartender walks over, giving me a once over. He better not fucking deny me a drink.

“What can I get for you, beautiful?” Ah, he was checking me out.

“Anything that is not fruity.”

He walks off to make whatever will get me through the rest of this day. I sense someone sitting next to me, but I ignore whoever it is. I am not here to socialize.

“So, are you here alone?” the creep asks. No fucker I’m here with my invisible friend, would’ve been my reply if I wanted to talk, but all I do is get up and move to the farthest seat in the corner placing me between the wall and the stool that now has my bag sitting on it.

“Here you go, beautiful, Whiskey Sour,” the bartender says and stands back with a grin, waiting for me to taste it and give him the praise that he thinks he deserves for combining two stupid bottles together.

“Thanks and just keep them coming.” Bringing it to my lips, I shoot it like a shot. I set the glass down and I hand him my credit card to open my tab.

“Rough day?” the bartender asks.

“Look, just serve me the drinks and don’t talk to me,” I snap. “On second thought, just bring me the whiskey bottle. For tonight, I don’t need anything fancy.” I see him walk away. He comes back with a clean glass and the bottle.

I don’t know how long it took me to finish the bottle, I got lost in the movie my mind was playing about my life with Will. From where we first met, to getting into college together, to our wedding; everything was on constant replay. Things that I didn’t remember before come rushing back. Like how it felt to get our first home together. That feeling of elation of living together. Of sharing every morning and every night with each other, without having to leave to our own home. I pick up the bottle and it’s empty. I’m not that drunk because I can still feel the pain deep in my chest.

“Hey, over here!’’ I slur. Everything is spinning and out of focus. During my solo pity party, I hadn’t noticed that the bar had gotten even more packed. The noise was getting louder and louder. The chit-chatting and the laughter were getting on my nerves. And the fucking bartender was taking too long to come over. I need a new bottle. I start to yell louder to be heard over the commotion. “Hey BARTENDER!”

“Hey, Sophia, fancy seeing you here, or anywhere.” I knew that voice anywhere. Matias. I felt every syllable down my body as he spoke those words. I had been avoiding him these last few months. He made me feel weird. Like goo, his voice always moved down my body like melted chocolate. This is not something I enjoy.

Lying to oneself is part of being human.

“Yeah, well. I am here trying to get a drink, but the stupid bartender is ignoring me I think,” I mumbled. “If he just stopped moving around so much.”

“I think you have had enough, muneca. Let me walk you home.”

“Don’t call me that and don’t tell me that I have had enough. You don’t know me. So, you don’t know my limit. And besides, I came here alone for a reason. For people to stop butting into my life.” I think that is the longest sentence I have had with Matias since I met him. Even he looks stunned. He makes me feel emotions I don’t want to explore. I rub my arms, trying to keep the goose bumps from being close to him from showing. I feel his breath on my neck and I try to move away, but it has become so crowded in the last couple of minutes that I can only move inches from him. I can smell the hint of whiskey on his breath.

“Sorry, if I overstepped. Can I buy you a drink?” he slurs. I think Matias and I have been drinking too much tonight.

“Sure, but no fruity drinks.” I see him motion the bartender and he comes running to do his bidding.

“Can I have a beer and the lady can she get another of whatever she is having?” The bartender gives us a warning look, like he is about to cut us off. Matias takes out a fifty, the bartender takes it, walking away.

“Why, thank you neighbor.” I sway into his chest. His scent over powering my lady parts. I breathe him in. The scent is so familiar, yet different. All I can think about is being in Will’s arms.

“Did you just smell me?” he asks laughing. He holds me steady as I try to take a step back.

“No, why would I do that?” I stutter. I look up at him, the alcohol taking away my embarrassment. I could read the lust in his eyes. I haven’t seen that look in a long time. The heat that was present since the first day I saw him outside our apartment building comes back with a vengeance. My liquor-infused brain can’t tell the past from the present. I see Will, then Matias. Similar in so many ways but different in all the ways that count. So I focus on the similarities, because that could only explain what I say next.

“Can we get out of here?” I sound breathless when I say this. I just want one night that is not clouded by painful memories. Today I feel at the loneliest that I have ever felt. Maybe because life took him away today and I want more than anything to have him back.

Matias looks at me, but he takes my hand, walking out of there as fast as we can. There is absolute silence coming from both of us as we make our way home. Real life is moving at a fast pace, but we are just cruising on by on the sidewalk. I am drunk, any and all right choices have permanently left me.

He opens the door to his apartment and closes it with my back as he slams me against the door to kiss me with a hunger that has been denied for far too long. I kiss him back just as hard and sloppy. This is not about love or even happily-ever-after; this is moment that captures true animalistic lust. We clash with our bodies, ripping away our clothes. I’m so wrapped up on the kiss that I didn’t even feel us moving until he drops me onto the mattress as his lips roam my body.

“Will…” I whisper to the darkness. The movements making me dizzy.

“Will I what?” he responds in between the licking and the biting. I grab his face and bring it up to my face. And I kiss him until every thought in my mind is deleted.

THE FEELING OF needing to pee is what wakes me up. Fuck, I can feel my brain pulsing through my skull. The worst part about drinking is the next day, when the pain you were trying so hard to numb comes rushing back with physical pain. I reach over the covers to get my phone to see the time. When I move, I feel the heaviness across my stomach tighten. I look down over my comforter to see what it is and what I see stuns me. It’s warm and hairy.

An arm.

I close my eyes and wish it away. I haven’t had a hallucination in months. I pray for it to be gone. I can’t deal with those anymore. I can’t have Will taken from me over and over again; I won’t survive it. I count to twenty like Dr. Duarte taught me.

Take tiny breaths and relax, Sophia. It will disappear. I breathe in and out counting to twenty, but the heaviness does not go away. I touch the arm and move it out of the way slowly. As soon as I am off the bed, I turn towards it, to the figure that is lying in my bed. No, his bed.

Matias.

What the fuck did I do? No, this is not happening. Will was supposed to be the last man I kissed and let into my body. No, no, no. I grab a shirt and pull it over me, because I need to get the hell out of here.

I run out into the living room and spot my purse on the floor by the door next to my shoes. I grab both items and high tail out of there, like the place is on fire.

“Sophia! Thank God. You are okay.” Katia’s voice breaks through my thundering heart. Shit. She is awake. “I called and called your cell and you didn’t answer. We were all worried.”

“Not now Katia, I can’t deal with this right now.” The words come out a little more forceful than intended. I make it my bedroom. I rush to the shower and take the shirt off. The headache and the nausea that usually presents itself the day after is all there but this is a distance ache to the new pain I feel now. I feel dirty, unclean. I sullied Will’s memory in a drunken night. I turn the water as hot as it can go. I don’t fucking care if the whole building runs out of hot water. I need to make myself clean for Will.

There’s a knock at my door and I ignore it.

“Sophia?” I don’t answer.

“Sophia, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I continue to ignore her as I sob.

The knock at the door turns into pounding. Katia’s voice is full of concern but my guilt, shame, and grief outweigh what is on the opposite side of the door and I can’t bring myself to face her. I don’t deserve her comfort or her compassion; I deserve the fucking knife that is plowing through my soul.

“I’m sorry Will. I’m so sorry,” I whisper through my silent sobs.

I sit on the floor, leaning back against the wall. I hear Katia talking trying to convince me to open the door. Just for a moment, I close my eyes; they are swollen and red from crying. Exhaustion is slowly creeping in but it quickly morphs into guilt when Matias’ image flashes in my mind.

Oh God, oh God, oh God, please baby forgive me.

I can’t breathe. The more I ask for forgiveness, the more I feel like I betrayed him.

Betrayed.

All the air escapes my lungs; the heaviness in my chest is making it impossible to breathe. I get up hoping to alleviate the weight but at this point I’m gasping for air. I take deep long breaths to calm myself but it’s not working. The tears are escaping, my emotions are out of control, and my thoughts are finally beating me down and inducing loud sobs. I drop to the floor on knees, my legs unable to sustain me.

“I’m sorry Will. I will always love you. Always!” I hear a shrill sound escaping from throat.

“Dammit Sophia, open the fucking door now before I fucking ram it down!” Katia yells. “Sophia,” she warns and then suddenly I hear her body slamming against the door.

“Fucking shit motherfucker! Damn you Sophia, just open the fucking door!”

I had better open the door before she actually succeeds and hurts herself in an attempt to break down the door. I crawl and unlock the door, slowly opening the knob. I see her about to make a run for it in another attempt to ram my door down.

“What the hell? I can’t believe you actually let me attempt it.” I look down unable to make eye contact.

She gets down beside me and just as she touches my shoulder as more tears escape my eyes. My head immediately goes to her lap. She doesn’t say anything, she lets me cry and I let her console me, even though I don’t deserve to be consoled. I need her right now. My heart is on life support and she is one of the four reasons why it’s still beating.

The stillness from the silence brings me back to the reality of today. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to hold the tears, wishing that a year ago yesterday never happened and regretting the moment last night when my eyes fell upon his smile. I sit up ready to confess. I need to tell someone and Katia is the only one who I can tell who would never judge me. She is my only friend.

Breathe.

“I slept with Matias last night,” is all I blurt out because suddenly my chest is constricting making it difficult for me to breathe, talk, and cry at the same time.

“What?” I hear her take a deep breath. She eyes me warily but notices I don’t take back my words; as much as I wish I could, I can’t. “You don’t even like him. How? When?” I see the confusion on her face.

My head immediately falls in shame. She squeezes my hand and picks up my head to look at her. My eyes meet hers eyes and I see there isn’t judgment behind them. All I see is love and understanding. She pulls me into her and my head rests on her shoulder, expelling more of what I thought I had no more to expel, tears.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” I whisper and move my head from her shoulder. “I was at the bar last night and one minute he’s Matias then the next,” I take a moment and think about what I’m about to say. “He resembled Will in so many ways last night,” I say shamefully bringing my hands to head.

Tears. They are never ending; they keep streaming down my face. I bring my t-shirt up and wipe them away.

“Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was wishing he was still here, or maybe it’s was both. I don’t know, but I do know that neither of those excuse me from depreciating my marriage.”

“Sophia, you can’t do this to yourself. You can’t expect to live life without living. I’m sorry if these words are going to feel like they cut you but sometimes the truth hurts and I am your friend so I am telling you this because I love you. Will is gone and he is never coming back. I know you love him and you will always have a place in your heart for him but right now, you need to start loving yourself more than him. Okay, so you slept with a man. Women do it and it’s okay. You are a widow. So if you are feeling guilty because you think you cheated on Will, you didn’t, so stop beating yourself up over this. One more thing while I’m at it, the drinking, it needs to fucking stop!” Katia looks at me cautiously. Those words were out of her mouth so fast I’m still trying to process everything.

“I’m a widow,” I say them as if I need reassurance. “I will always love him, you know that right?”

“I know, you always have and I know you always will but I know he loved you too and he would’ve hated to see you this way. I’m sorry he was taken away from you and that life burned you when it felt like it was full of promises. Today makes it even harder to want see that life still has a lot to offer you and I know that you are going to have your good and bad days but you need to try. Lately, it looks like you’ve given up.” She is right; I did give up. It seems easier than to face tribulations.

“I don’t know how to make it through each day,” I say honestly.

“It’s by not giving up.” Katia stands me up from the floor and walks me to my closet. I turn to look at her.

“Get dressed, we are going out for breakfast,” she demands.

“Katia, I can’t. Look at me, and I don’t feel well.” I want to make a thousand excuses to stay in and sleep the pain away.

“Nothing a little makeup can’t help with and maybe next time you won’t drink so much. Better yet, maybe you won’t drink at all.” She smiles with her eyes and gives me an evil grinning smile. She knows I have a hangover.

I STRETCH MY arms and turn on my stomach grabbing my other pillow, the perfume infiltrating my nose awakens thoughts of Sophia. I open my eyes and realize my bed is empty. I get out of bed to check the bathroom, nothing. I look around my room and see no remnants of her presence, she’s gone. Usually, it’s me who loves them and leaves them, or should I say, fucks them and has them leave but damn if anyone has ever fucked me then left me. Shit. My ego just took a hit. I throw myself on the bed her perfume creeps into my nose, and memories of her last night sneak into my thoughts.

The softness of her lips, the sweet sounds of her moans, the warmth of her body, and the passion in her eyes. Nobody has ever shown passion the way she did last night. It was incredible. Damn. I should ask her out for coffee or breakfast. I sit up stunned with myself. Since when do I ever want to ask a girl out the next day?

I take a quick shower in hopes of asking her to go on a motorcycle ride on the way to breakfast, and her saying yes. I shower and get dressed, throwing on some jeans, a t-shirt, and my black boots. Finding myself outside her apartment, I take a deep breath before knocking on her door. I finally knock and I stand there waiting, my palms are sweaty and my heartbeat increases as I knock a second time. Still no answer. Disappointment is not something I’m used to; I’m not even sure how to deal with it. I turn to go back toward my apartment when my phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket and a smile breaks across my face.

“Hermano, how the hell are you?” I say before entering into my apartment.

“Doing well, I was hoping to meet up with you for breakfast this morning. Have time for your big brother?”

“Hell yeah,” I retreat from further entering the apartment and head toward the elevator.

“OK, see you at the café in five.”

We arrive at the same time; I’m parking my motorcycle when I see him pulling into a parking space. If anyone can help me sort through these feeling it’s him, so I’m glad he called when he did. I walk over to him and we give each other a shoulder hug. He hits me hard on my back; I can feel it through my leather jacket. I have always been able to talk to my brother and no matter the problem, he has always helping me sort things out. And if there was ever a time when the situation was tough, he always helped me put things in perspective. He’s my older brother so of course it’s his obligation and duty to help me and my duty as the younger brother is be the clown and the one in dire need of his wisdom.

We enter the café and a waitress immediately approaches us to seat us to a booth. I’m about to slide in when I hear Nicolas articulate the most beautiful name I have ever heard. Sophia. A knot forms in my throat when I hear a hello come from her and Nicolas tell her to call his office first thing Monday to schedule an appointment. I want to face her, the woman who shot down my ego. The woman who, in these last hours, hasn’t been absent from my mind. I turn around and my eyes fall upon hers. What greets me, wounds me and then devastation quickly fills every crevice in my heart. She turns away from me unable to face me, I reach out to touch her but Katia quickly stands and comes between me and Sophia.

“Now isn’t a good time to talk to her,” Katia whispers as she turns me away from Sophia. Katia eyes Nicolas, whose eyes widen getting the hint to leave them alone.

Confusion must be all over my face because I see Nicolas warily eyeing me. Nicolas ushers me to my seat and I take it without hesitation. I turn to her direction and she’s gone. Her table is left absent. I turn and look at my brother who has answers to questions I need answers to.

“Sophia, you know her? How? Where?” I sound a little erratic but I need him to tell me everything he knows about her. I want to know. “She’s my neighbor and last night, we hooked up and you know me-” suddenly the concern in his eyes is gone and is replaced by what looks like anger.

“Listen to me, hermano, you leave this one alone.” His tone is firm. “The last thing she needs is someone like you to be her ruin; she’s not stable, so please just stay away from her. She is a patient who in this last year has endured a lot and as I can see she still hasn’t found her way,” he says in disappointment, more with himself than her. “I… I hope she returns to see me,” he says hopeful and a small smile breaks on his face.

I close my eyes and slowly shake my head. We are interrupted by the waitress, who asks us for our order. My thoughts are still on Sophia; her eyes, her lips, her skin suddenly my thoughts go back to the recognition of her.

“Was she ever hospitalized?” I ask.

“Yes, months ago and I don’t want her back there so please stay the hell away.”

Then suddenly it hit me, why she felt so familiar in a way. It’s her, ghost girl. I always wondered about her. Dreamt about her and now she’s invaded my mind and won’t leave. Maybe if I explain myself to Nicolas he’ll understand and see I don’t intend any harm.

“Nicolas, this girl has been in my mind since I first saw her in the hospital one day when we were going to out to lunch. I ran into her the hallway and her eyes caught my attention-”

“You sick fuck!” Nicolas yells and people are staring. “Preying on vulnerable women, thought you better than that, hermaño.”

“Shh, it’s not what you fucking think,” I whisper trying not to draw anymore attention than we already have. “Can you just fucking listen to what I’m gonna say?” The seriousness in my tone matches my face and he sits backs and takes a sip of his coffee.

“She’s just not any girl; I’ve been dreaming about her. Then her and her friend moved into my apartment building and I helped them move, they’re literally my neighbors. Since I first saw her I wanted to ask her out but she’s so quiet and reserved that I never had an opportunity. Then last night she was at the bar and before we knew it in my bed.” I don’t want to make her sound cheap so I want to let him know how I feel about her. “In that short time we spent last night, she has been able make me feel what passion feels like, what it can mean to be with someone and feel something more than just lust.” I want him to know that she’s not one that I want to love and leave in one night, maybe two. She really is different and I know many say that but I’ll be dammed; I really do want to get to know her, problems and all.

“Listen here, hermañito, I’m only going to say this once and I need you to listen. You leave her alone, you hear? This is no fucking joke. She is fragile. I wish I could say that I’m happy for you but man, this girl isn’t ready for you. She is dealing with her own demons and even though you’re ready for to love, right now she isn’t. She needs to piece her heart back together before she can begin loving someone other than herself, so if you really like her the way you say you do then give her time to heal.” I don’t know if I can stay away from her, I know I probably should and he’ll be angry but I can deal with him. Her demons will just have to learn to take a step back and lose.

I was so unprepared for that, to see Matias so soon after the encounter, and with Dr. Duarte no less. I couldn’t get out of the restaurant fast enough. I made Katia drives us back home. Why were they together? Is Matias his patient? Or worse his relative? I don’t realize I’ve been biting my fingernail until I feel the sting, of the bite on my finger. I know have to go see Dr. Duarte, but I am still mad at him for kicking me out of the hospital.

My cocoon.

He made me promise I will call for an appointment. After what happened the last night, I think I do need to seek out consul, just so there isn’t a repeat of sleeping with Matias. I thought I had a handle on my drinking, but obviously I don’t. I can’t believe I couldn’t stop what occurred. I was so far gone with dreaming of William that reality took a dream-like effect, because the sex was even better than I remembered. I had never had multiple orgasms when Will and I had sex before. The alcohol must have amplified my senses to make it my ultimate fantasy.

“I’m still hungry,” Katia states as we make our way back to the apartment, breaking me out of my musing. I feel bad that I didn’t let her get breakfast.

“I’ll make something,” I say.

“What? Are you sure? I mean you haven’t cooked in almost a year. Do you think you can?”

“Do you want breakfast or not? Besides it’s like riding a bike, right?” I say as I go into the kitchen and open the fridge for some eggs.

“Well, you always did make the best breakfast, anyway. Wow me, chef.” She sits on the breakfast bar and starts talking about work. I continue slicing and dicing my ingredients; something so normal, yet so foreign to me now.

“You know you are not the first girl to have a one night stand when drunk. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” she states as she takes a drink of her orange juice.

“Will was the only man I ever knew. My body belonged to him since I was fourteen. Now I feel like I soiled his memory by being careless.” My voice comes out shaking on that last part. I take out a plate and serve Katia. “Huevos rancheros.” I set the plate in front of her. She takes my hand, squeezing it.

“Sweetie, you are not dirty, you are just human. Sometimes we do stupid things when we are in pain. No matter what stupid things we do. We can always be forgiven as long as we forgive ourselves, Sophia.”

“Yeah, don’t know how that is supposed to happen, Katia,” I answered her. Because honestly, I don’t know. I feel so tired from hurting so much.

“Well, that’s what I am here for. To tell you that you are an awesome person. And I don’t think of you any less because you slept with our hot neighbor. Besides, you have the hot doctor, who by the way wants to meet with you,” she says taking a bite of her food.

“Yum. I missed this woman. Please don’t stop doing this even if you start drinking again.” She takes another bit and proceeds to finish her plate. I eat a little, but I still don’t have a full appetite.

“Well girl, after this meal I am ready to become a couch potato. Want to watch some romantic comedies with me?” Katia asks as she picks up her dishes, taking them to the sink.

“Sure, we can watch Netflix and chill,” I tell her and she bursts out laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“Girl, you have been out of the loop for a long time. Nowadays, ‘Netflix and chill’ means doing the dirty. But, hey we can experiment if that will get you to feel better.” She comes towards me trying to hug me and I swat at her, laughing.

“Stop,” I laugh. She looks at me with tears in her eyes.

“I missed that sound,” she says hugging me tighter, maybe realizing this was the first time I had laughed in over a year. I hug her tighter too. I miss this warm feeling of being loved. We cry together. Maybe I am healing after all. We have a movie day. I didn’t know how many movies I had missed.

I CALLED FOR an appointment with Dr. Duarte first thing Monday morning. Three whole days since the day that should not be mentioned. I think that day was a huge wake up call. I need to get back my life; that’s why I think I am finally ready to take advantage of the help he can provide.

“Hi, Sophia Collins to see Dr. Duarte at 3 p.m.,” I inform the receptionist once I enter the office.

“Hi, Mrs. Collins. He will be with you in just a moment, please take a seat,” she says as she motions to the couches behind me. I go take my seat but not before grabbing a magazine from the table. I flip through the magazine, catching up on fashion.

“Mrs. Collins, Dr. Duarte is ready to see you,” the nurse tells me as she motions for me to follow her.

She opens the door to Dr. Duarte’s office. I walk in and see him standing in front of his desk. I am taken aback when I see him. They have to be related. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Matias’ and Dr. Duarte’s resemblance is uncanny. Same green eyes with an oval shape face. They are both well built, but Matias fills out his shirts more. Matias looks a more rugged with his golden tan and facial scruff, whereas Dr. Duarte is more clean cut; no facial hair and his hair is trimmed to perfection. Their resemblance of the hands is similar in size, but the feel of them is incompatible; Dr. Duarte’s are soft-like. I can still feel the imprint of Matias rough working hands on my body. Just thinking about that I get a flashback of Matias lips on my skin; the heat I felt every time they landed on my body. Goose bumps break over my skin and I cross my arms in front of my midsection in the attempt to hold myself together from the memory and shock combined.

“Hello, Sophia. Take a seat,” he says, shaking me out of my memory, but not making a move to come towards me. “How are you?”

“Hurting,” I say. “Not much has changed since the last time we saw each other, doctor.” I have to start with the truth. Even though the alcohol was numbing my pain, it didn’t erase it.

“Yes, it has changed Sophia. You have actually accomplished the first step by coming here. By saying the truth. You would have never done that before. Heck, you hardly spoke back then and only then that just once when you were at the hospital. So, I say let’s start healing you,” he says as he sits across from me. I smile. He looks stunned, but matches my smile.

“Let’s start with what you telling me what you have been up to for the last few months.” And his questions begin.

“I thought I could manage to keep digging myself into a grave, to somehow be able to feel closer to Will, but I feel further away.”

“Why do you say that? In what way did you distance from your Will?” Dr. Duarte asks, never leaving his eyes from mine. I never noticed that he never writes anything down.

“Why don’t you write anything down?”

“These are your memories, your feelings. I have no right to record that. I only write about your progress. Can we get back the question?”

“I missed his anniversary.”

“There will be others,” hey says cautiously.

“No! This was his first. And what did I do? I slept through it because I was nursing a hangover!” I can’t sit any longer. I get up and start pacing his office. “How can I be so stupid? When I realize my mistake, instead of going to his grave, I went to the nearest bar and got drunk. And I end up in between the sheets with a fu… sorry, guy I didn’t even know!” I yell the last part. “I ruin the love Will and I had. I tainted it with betrayal.”

“Why did do feel that you tainted it? Will is dead you didn’t cheat,” he continues to look at me as if my outburst didn’t even happen. His voice is soothing.

“When Will and I met, we were so young. We fell in love so fast and completely. Some people called us fools for loving each other so much. We made plans for our future under the stars. We knew where we were going to college, when we were getting married, and when we were going to make love for the first time. We planned that night to the last detail. And it was a night I can still remember.” I can still feel the first touch on my naked flesh. How my hands felt against his body. How our bodies joined for the first time. “Something we planned for years and I tainted it with a careless night. Shaming his memory on my body,” I cry, the guilt over taking me and I sob quietly.

“Sophia, you sleeping with my brother, though regretful, is nothing to be ashamed about it. The things we do out of pain or suffering can be forgiven. You have to stop thinking that Will is still alive. Yes, you made memories with him, but now you have to make new ones. And the same with mistakes, Sophia. You have to make a life of your own. Find yourself and see what you like on your own. By what you have told me, you have always been a part of a pair. You grew up with this love. You need to decide for yourselves what just Sophia wants or just who just Sophia is.” His reasoning never makes me feel better.

“So, he is your brother,” I conclude.

“Yes. Awkward, huh?” he responds with a shy smile.

“Yes,” I reply. I don’t want to get into that with him, so I change the subject. “I was Will’s interior designer for his firm. Since I came back from the hospital, I have been given some assignments from the projects that we are committed to. I have not been able to match colors or patterns. Maybe Will was my muse. All I see is nothing,” I say sadly.

“That can still be part of your trauma. The fact that you refuse to move on without Will can be blocking your creativity. You will be able to create again, Sophia. We just have to give time to time. Think about what you said here today. Even if your heart is not ready to move on, I think your mind is. That is why you shared today. We might not have made sense of your one night stand, but due to the people involved I think we can seat this one out. Just no more drunken nights.”

“I was waiting for you to ask me about my time away. How I turn to alcohol to numb the pain. I can just tell you I won’t do it again,” I state.

“Well, at least you learned something. Well, it has been a pleasure Sophia but I think our time is up,” he says as he looks at his watch. Standing up from the chair, he walks towards his desk. He picks up a picture from the ones he has on it. “This is my wife, my second wife. She is my life. I have lived through what you have, so I know what you are going through. I am here to help you lessen the pain and start to heal, because I know you will. You can do what you like with your life, even love again when you’re ready. You can rebuild your heart with the love of a good man. I have seen many people like you. I was like you; grieving, heartbroken and about to lose our minds. But I also see the healing, the smiles and the rebuilding of lives. You can too.” With that he dismisses me and gives me an appointment for next week. The nurse informs me that he wants regular visits every week.

I go every week for the next month, every time opening up a little more. Sharing memories. He tells me one of his and I tell him one of mine.

The only downfall is that I have been getting sick all the time. Every day for the past two weeks. I have been putting off going to the doctor as well as getting a test from the drugstore. But, today I made my choice; after last night’s pukefest and Katia thinking I am drinking again, giving me evil eye, waiting for me to come clean. I can’t ignore what my body is telling me, even though I don’t want to listen.

I get ten from different brands as well as a gallon of water, which I finish by the time I get home. I take the tests to the bathroom and then I set them on the living room table. That’s where Katia finds me five minutes later.

“Hey Sophia, I’m home. What are you doing there just sitting looking all creeping?” she says as she walks further to the room. I see her looking at me and I move my vision to the table. I hear gasp as she takes in all ten of the test.

“Oh, holy mother of Jesus!” she exclaims. Yeah, that’s what I feel too. Who would have thought that one little bitty, ten in this case, red plus signs could make you feel like there’s a tornado is inside of you? I feel her sit next to me and grab my clammy hand.

“Okay, we got this Sophie. Right?”

I stare out the balcony doors into the November skies; the stars look brighter this time of year and the air smells a bit crisper. I quickly realize that soon these skies will soon be December ones. It’s been a little over a month that Sophia has been in my bed, under my sheets, wrapped in my arms, and ever since she’s been invading my mind. I decide to ease my mind by exercising my limbs and distracting my thought by going to the river walk.

I’m exiting the building when Sophia meets my eyes as I open the door. She immediately looks away, trying to avoid conversation but I’m going to make one up anyways. I step aside and let her in first.

“Thank you,” she whispers as she passes by, her brown eyes avoiding mine.

“Sophia,” I reach out to stop her. “Hey, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you but when I come by Katia tells me you aren’t home and she won’t give me your number. I tried bribing my brother but, yeah apparently it’s confidential so that didn’t work. I guess my charm isn’t good enough for his receptionist either.” I laugh but I guess I’m laughing at myself because she always has a blank expression on her face. I rub the back of my head with my hand to help kill my nerves.

“Anyways, I’m going out for a walk, would like to join me?” She looks out past me, into the darkening skies and back toward me. Yet, she still doesn’t look at me.

“No,” she says curtly and turns.

“How about a movie?” She stops and turns to face me. Her brown eyes stare into mine and the stillness in the air causes me to breathe harder. She takes a moment to contemplate her answer and looks down. She looks back up at me and without words, I already know.

“No. Matias. No. I don’t want this, I don’t want any of this.” Her voice is low and she looks around the lobby, making sure no one heard her and then looks back at me. “Please just leave me alone. What happened, shouldn’t have.” Her eyes are full of regret. She turns to leave and I am fucking stunned. What the hell was that?

THE HARDEST PART about wanting someone is when they don’t want you back. She has declined every invitation to dinner, to a movie, a coffee, and even a damn walk. The harder I try not to think about her, the more I do. The more I try not to want her, the more I do. I don’t understand these feelings I have for her and I guess that’s why she intrigues me so; no woman has made me feel this crazy. I am determined to get her to go out on a date with me. I want to know her and I want her to know me.

I hear her voice echo in the hallway as she fumbles with her keys and talks to someone on her phone. I feel like a peeping tom spying on her through my peephole but this is a chance and I am sure as hell going to take it.

“Sophia,” I call out her name as I open the door. She turns and drops her phone; her face is white as a ghost. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you.”

She stares at me blankly.

Ok. This is awkward. Not the reaction I was expecting. I reach for her phone to ease the tension and hand it to her. My mind suddenly goes blank and we stare at each other awkwardly with no exchange of words. I see rejection in her eyes as if she knows what I’m going to ask. The unwanted feeling is not welcoming at all and I feel like a predator cornering its prey. But this is my chance and I’m determined, and who knows maybe she might just say yes, just maybe.

“Have dinner with me?” I’m mentally praying she says yes.

“I already ate.”

“Okay, let’s go eat dessert. I’m not taking no for an answer.” That was a little risqué on my part but it’s worth a try.

She brings her phone to her ear and tells the person on the other end she’ll call them back. I see her contemplating her answer. I’m still mentally praying she says yes.

“Okay, but just dessert and I need to get back home. Early,” she emphasizes.

“Yes, of course. So, ready in thirty?”

“Yeah, sure.”

We both retreat into our apartments, and I realize I need to get ready and decide where I’m taking her. Holy fucking shit, she said yes! I want to call Nicolas and ask where they have the best desserts in town but he’ll kill me. So instead I’ll take her where they have my favorite dessert.

The ride there is very quiet. I try to talk to and spark up conversation but her responses are short and are open ended.

I turn on some tunes just to break the deafening silence. I want to reach to her, touch her hand and know her thoughts. I’m trying to find the words that can spark up a conversation.

“How do you like your new apartment?” I want to kick myself in the ass that is such a generic question.

“I hate it,” she says, matter of fact.

Not the answer I was expecting. Shit. I don’t know how to respond. And there’s a moment of silence.

“Let me guess, you don’t like your neighbors?” I try to lighten the mood and break the seriousness of her demeanor.

“I do but it’s not my home,” she says and stares out the window into the star-filled skies.

I sense her demeanor; sadness is quickly consuming the confined space, I’m about to turn to ask her if she wants me to turn back, if she regrets saying yes, but before I do she turns to me and sets her hand over mine as it rests on the middle console. I wonder what caused such sadness. I desperately want to know but I want her to be the one to tell me and not ask.

“I miss the life I had.”

“Why can’t you continue that life?”

“It’s hard to continue a life in which all the things you loved about it only made you love it because of a single being.” Just as she says this, we pull into the restaurant.

I don’t want this conversation to end. I feel as if she was about to open up about herself, her past, the insight to her sadness. I wish I would’ve have driven a little slower or pretended to be lost or to have missed a turn but I didn’t. Now we are seated in a booth that has the King of Rock n’ Roll plastered around us and immediately we are greeted by the waiter. We order coffee and a tresleches cake, my favorite. And apparently hers too, since I saw a twinkle in her eye when she ordered it.

The sole purpose of tonight is get know each other but that is going to be challenging when she won’t let me in.

“So you do interior design?” I ask. I try starting with basic questions. I wanted this to be a date and feel less like an interview but she’s being so reserved.

“I used to.”

Okay. Should I ask follow up questions? Should I ask another question? I decide to stick to that subject until I know all about it.

“What do you mean used to? So you don’t because don’t want to? You can’t? I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand.”

“It’s hard for a painter to paint without sight, a singer to sing without voice, a writer to write without words, a designer to design without vision.” She stares off into the distance, the sadness in her eyes grows deeper and I instantly wish I could retract my question and ask another.

“A blind man can still create a masterpiece, a voiceless singer can still write lyrics, a wordless writer can find a muse, and a designer can find inspirations. An ailment isn’t a crutch, it’s a strength.” She looks down, catching the tears pooling at the corners. My intentions weren’t to sadden her but to let her know that nothing should stop her from what she truly wants. She looks at me and gives me a small smile. Her eyes are still glassy and her cheeks are flushed; she so quiet and reserved, I wonder if she’s like a coconut, hard on the outside but, once you get in she’s soft and sweet on the inside.

The waiter arrives with our coffee and dessert. It’s a huge piece of cake; it’s enough for two, maybe three, but I can actually eat the whole thing myself.

Surprisingly, she picks up the fork and digs into the cake without hesitation; I was right, she does love tresleches. We have another thing in common. I smile as I grab my fork and dig right in after her.

I look over at her and I want to know everything. I want to know her what makes her so sad, what makes her smile, what are her desires; I want to know everything about her. My hands are burning to touch her beautiful face and kiss her lips. She needs to be able to trust me with her heart and her soul. The only way I’ll ever be able to come close to hers is by offering mine.

“I looked for you everywhere that morning. I was surprised when I didn’t find you at my place.” I have never said this to anyone. “I thought that night was great.” I lean in not wanting anyone to hear. She can barely look at me.

“I wanted to ask you out for breakfast but you weren’t home. When I saw you at the café, you completely avoided me and have been avoiding me. I thought we could get to know each other. I would love to know you.” There’s a knot in my throat I finally swallow down and lean back in my seat, hoping she reciprocates.

“I’m not looking into a relationship and being friends will make this complicated. All I wanted that night was what I got. I didn’t take you for a flowers and dinner type of man hearing the women in and out of your apartment. Had I known that, I would have never gone into your bed that night,” she replies, looking at me with a cold stare. That hurt.

I didn’t even know what to say to her. I want to tell her to give me a chance, to give us a chance because I know that we can have something special; I feel it. There was passion. I saw it in her eyes.

“Sophia, we can start as slow as you want.”

“There is nothing to start when there’s nothing here for you.” She places her hand over her heart. “Can you please just take me home?”

I quickly look for the waiter and ask him for the check. I pull the money out of my pocket, not waiting for any change. The drive home in silence is excruciating; it’s a reminder I’m unwanted.

“Where were you?” Katia asks as soon as I walk in the door. She is sitting in the couch eating cereal, watching some show about housewives.

“Out,” I reply making my way to the kitchen.

“I think you coming in from the front door gave away the fact that you were out,” she says pointing to the door with her spoon. “Out where?”

“Having dessert.” I don’t know why I am prolonging the conversation. Since I know she will not stop until I give her all sequence of events. “With Matias.”

I had never seen Katia move as fast as she did when he heard the name I just uttered.

“What! How did this happen? Why did it happen? Why am I hearing about this now? Why did you wear that? Did you tell him, that he is your baby daddy?”

“Whoa, whoa.” I back away from her moving towards the breakfast counter. She had gotten so close to me when she rushed into the kitchen. I thought she was going to run me into the wall. “Interrogate much?”

“Sorry, but this is epic. You actually had a date with a man. And not just any man, but the one that knocked you up.”

“Can you stop saying that?” I snap. I know I’m pregnant, so I don’t need her to constant remind me. And besides, I was there so I know who the father is.

“Look Sophie, I know that you don’t want to acknowledge that fact that the baby is Matias’, but how long do you think you can keep it a secret?” I know she is right but I’m not ready.

I walk back to the kitchen and hug her. I need her. She automatically hugs me back tighter. I cry a bit into her shoulder. I can’t believe I almost cried at dessert. I felt so guilty being there with him. I was betraying Will, being with another man. I felt things when he touched me, and when he smiled. I felt something flutter in my stomach and it wasn’t the baby.

“I told him to stay away from me. That I didn’t have room in my heart for him. He actually looked devastated.”

“Aye, Sophia.” We come apart and we walk to the couch. I drop myself on to it. Katia runs back to the kitchen and appears in the living room back with one pint of coconut ice cream.

My favorite.

“I almost forgot,” she says as she hands me the spoon and the pint.

“I told you I just had dessert, Katia.”

“I know, but you need more calories in you.” She says this as she rolls her eyes at me. “When is your doctor’s appointment?”

“Next Tuesday. Why? Want to come?” I ask.

“Sure. I would love to be your plus one,” she jokes.

I hate going by myself. I ran out as if the building was on fire after my first appointment. After I had taken all the ten tests to confirm I was pregnant, I still needed to get the official statement from my gynecologist so the insurance could pay for the pregnancy. I went to that appointment on my own. I searched for someone new and close to where I lived now. On the day of the appointment, I walked in scared and nervous. I was nervous to think that maybe all the test were defective and I was really not pregnant. And I was scared because what if I was; what was I going to do with a baby by myself? I had to understand the reasoning behind all this. Why now? Why when I was living my greatest heartache, something as beautiful as a child was created. If Katia had not seen all the tests on the coffee table, I would have thought I dreamt the whole thing. I guess that’s why I came alone, because if it was a false positive I could hide that new heartache.

I smile and continue eating my ice cream.

“SO DO YOU need anything besides marshmallows?” Katia ask as she goes to pay the gas.

“Nope that’s it,” I reply.

“You know it sucks that I have to be the man in this relationship, and not get all the perks,” she says as she gets in the car. “I have to do midnight craving runs and gas stop ones.”

“I love you, Katia,” I reply. She throws the bag of marshmallows at me.

We make it to the appointment with minutes to spare. They call me in, and we rush to the room.

“I’m so glad we got called in so fast. I thought I we had walked in Willy Wonka’s factory. Everyone was way too cheerful for my taste,” she says as the nurse walks in.

“Excuse me Mrs. Collins, can you remove your pants and put on this over your legs? Once you are ready, turn this light on to signal the doctor to come in.” And with that, she walks out.

I give Katia a look and she turns around. “Bitch, you know I have seen you naked before. Like when you were in your comatose state and I would take you into the shower.”

“But this is different. So pipe down.” I take off my pants and sit on the freaking cold table.

“Katia, can you turn on the light?” She gets up and turns it on.

“Do you realize that this will be something you do every month for like nine months? Taking your clothes off and sitting naked on a table that has probably seen thousands of naked butts. Gross.”

“Seriously, are you twelve?” I can’t help but smile.

“Ah, there it is the look I was going for, instead of the scared rabbit one. I know this is hard for you Sophia, but look at the bright side, you will always have me.”

The door opens and Dr. Keetes walks in. I decided to go with a new doctor for this. My old gynecologist knew me since we moved here. And I really didn’t want to answer any awkward questions.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Keetes.” She shakes my hand and Katia’s. “So, Sophia, you are on your first trimester, correct?”

“Yes,” I reply.

“Okay. Can you scoot to the edge and put your feet up on the stirrups? Let’s take a look at your baby.” Just then, the nurse walks in with the sonogram machine.

“It will be cold and there might there might be a little discomfort but we will be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat and it will make all of it worth it.” I feel slimy, cold wetness as the speculum probes into my opening.

“What we are seeing is the cervix.” Then there is a flutter in the monitor and this whooshing sound comes on the speaker. “And that ladies, is the heartbeat. Sounds strong,” she says as she stops moving the probe.

The feeling I get is overwhelming. I feel so much elation that it is oppressing my chest. I feel Katia squeezing my hand. I wish Will was here, that we were experiencing this together like we should have. That it was him squeezing my hand. I feel the tears running down my face. Through all this happiness I also feel anger. Towards God, towards life and fate, for giving me this moment when my soulmate died. I just feel too much all at once.

“Do you both need a minute? I know it is an amazing feeling when you hear the heartbeat for the first time as a family.” Dr. Keetes looks at both of us.

“Oh! No, we are not a couple. I’m not the father, well in this insistence the other mother,” Katia quickly responds.

“Oh I’m sorry.” She looks at everything except us. “Well, fathers always miss this part. But I think this is the best part. The first time you hear your child alive. Well, we can’t record this for him. So he has to come next time.” She smiles and starts to pull the probe out. I look over her to Katia.

“It’s okay, he is deceased.” I state, the emotion that was over powering my body suddenly gone. Can this visit get any more awkward?

“Oh my, I’m sorry for your loss.” I see the pity come into her eyes and hear it in her voice. I look from her to Katia’s angry stare. Yeah I bet I will hear from it on the way home.

“It’s okay,” I say, because what else is there to say.

“Okay, we are done here.” She gets up and swipes all the instruments. “You can change and I will write you prescriptions for some prenatal vitamins. I will see you back in eight weeks. Any questions?” She looks at me, I shake my head and then she walks out of the room. The nurse walks in and takes the machine with her.

I get off the bed and walk over to the counter to get a Kleenex to wipe off the sticky gel.

“I can’t believe you said that, Sophia. I can’t even look at you. That is a selfish thing to say,” Katia starts as soon as the door clicks shut.

“Look, Katia don’t start,” I say as I yank my pants on.

“You are impossible. I’ll wait outside,” she says as she walks out of the room in a huff.

I grab my purse and walk out. I go to the receptionist; she gives me my appointment card and lets me know that they have already send my prescription to my pharmacy.

I see Katia by the door. She gives me a hard stare and walks out the building. I ran out after her. But I crash into the brick wall.

“Whoa, are you okay?” That voice. I hear it in my dreams. All the blood leaves my face probably my body. “Sophia?” I raise my eyes towards his. Oh gosh, wrong brother. Thank God. I feel my blood humming back into my body.

“I’m okay. Sorry. Dr. Duarte, what are you doing here?” I didn’t want to sound rude but that’s the way it comes out.

“I had a meeting at the medical center. Are you okay?” he says as he looks over my shoulder, pointing his gaze to the door I just exited.

“Oh yes, just routine,” I answer him.

“Okay, well nice running into you. See you at our appointment on Thursday,” he says as he waves me good bye. I smile, or I think I do, as I wave back. I walk faster to the car.

Katia turns it on without a word. We continue in silence for a few miles.

“Are you even going to tell him? I mean he has the right to know.”

“Yes, I will. I just need time to come to terms with this.”

“Time, like until you are giving birth?” she says sarcastically.

“No, gosh Katia,” I snap. “I’m on my first freaking trimester. My parents don’t even know, either. I know you don’t understand Katia, but this is my life. Stop trying to tell me what to do. As much as I love you, I need to deal with this in my own way. All my feelings are all over the place. I need to find sense in all of this. And I will tell Matias, soon.”

“It’s just so hard to look at him and talk to him almost every day and know you have a secret that will change his life. It makes me feel weird to lie to him all time.”

“Lie to him? You are not just letting him know certain things. It’s not like he knows you are lying. Besides, you just met him.”

“Look, Sophia just talk about it with Dr. Duarte or someone, but tell him. Before he finds out, and he will.”

“Yeah.” How do you tell someone that you are having their baby when you don’t even know how they take their coffee? I just don’t know even where to start. God, this would have been easier if Will was alive, because I would be pregnant from the love of my life. I can’t even think about all of this.

Once we get home, we each go to our rooms. We both have thinking to do. My phone rings just as I’m putting on my pajama pants.

“Hola, mami, papi.”

“Hola, Sophia. How are you doing, mijita?”

“Hi angel,” my father speaks up. “How’s my favorite daughter doing?”

“Seriously, Dad. I am your only daughter. And I’m fine, mami. When are you coming over to visit me?” I need to make sure when they will be here, to know who much time I have to tell them about the baby.

“Hopefully, in a month.”

“Oh, great. I miss you guys so much.” I can hear my voice breaking. How I can be so stupid? I need to surround myself with family; people who are alive and love me. I can’t do this alone, “Mami, papi can you guys come sooner? I need you guys here.”

“Are you okay, Sophia? You are making me worry,” my mom says.

“I just need your love. I know I haven’t been the best daughter lately, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or need you.”

“We love you too, angel. We will be there next week.” I love that just like that, they change their plans.

“Thank you. Besos. See you soon.” We continue to say our goodbyes and hang up.

I walk to the kitchen, take out two cupcakes, and I head to my roommate’s room.

“Knock, knock. I brought a peace offering.” She looks up from the book she is reading. Closing it, she moves to makes a space for me on her bed.

“Sorry,” I say handing her a cupcake.

“I know,” she replies as she starts licking the icing.

“I need you to be patient with me. This is hard.”

“Sophia, I have been for the past year and probably to the next. What are friends for?”

“So does that mean I’m still the cup to your cake?”

“Always.” She hugs me as we lay eating our cupcakes.

I know this past year has been tough for me, but I can’t imagine what my family has been through. Never once have I ever thought about how they were feeling. Seeing me alive, but dead. I am lucky to have them still in my life.

Her beauty was what first caught my eye that day in the hospital; curiosity kept her in my mind and the sadness in her eyes kept haunting me. I thought about her off and on, played scenarios about what could’ve caused such despair. Months went by and thoughts of her slowly faded until that day her foul mouth caught my attention and her eyes met mine. At that moment, I couldn’t pinpoint where I’d seen her, although I knew I had and now all I want is to be able to avoid ever seeing her, ever knowing her, ever looking into those damn eyes.

I force my mind to run away from the thought of her, I dismiss the passion she awakened in me, and I oppress the will to want her but it’s so fucking hard. It’s like being exposed to orgasmic pleasure and once I get a taste for it I can’t be without it. I’ve never felt unwanted, it’s done damage to my ego and what’s worse, it hurt my heart. It was the first time I thought a relationship could evolve into something more. Nicolas’ warning should’ve kept me away maybe I should’ve listened to him for once. Maybe I should’ve just fucked her like I always just fucked all the others. Maybe I should just have a few more drinks and she will disappear from my fucking mind.

I wave the bartender down. I raise my glass, tip it making sure I’ve gotten all its contents, the ice gently hits my lips and the coolness feels nice against them. By the time I set the glass down, she has my next drink waiting for me. I quickly exchange the empty glass for the full one and take a swig; the Jack no longer burns as it flows down my esophagus.

“It’s no magic potion sweetheart. It’s only going to make you feel one hundred times worse tomorrow and the problem will still be there. But hey what do I know right? I’m just the bartender,” she says wiping down the area around me and taking the empty glass. I walked into the bar right after work and I haven’t bothered to look at the time, so I pull up my sleeve and see it’s five past midnight.

“Thanks for the tip, mueñca.” My speech is a little slurred but still intelligible. “However, I’m fine. I’m just a man enjoying a drink.” She turns to smile with her flirty eyes. She walks toward me and leans in to me, her tank top dips so I can see her cleavage and I feel the tightness in my jeans. The last time I was with a woman was her and that was way to fucking long.

“If that’s so, then my shift ends in about hour.” She winks at me goes to attend another customer.

I need this. I can fuck her, I am wanted. This is what I need to finally get myself back. To get this delusion out of my fucking head. I sit there and laugh at myself; I can’t fucking believe I let a woman make a mess of me. Never in my life had I ever or will ever think that love and marriage can coexist for me. It’s not in me to love one person. I know that, because I don’t believe in that, it doesn’t exist. People believe in fairytales and what they end up getting are broken hearts and disappointments. Or should I say divorce and long days of therapy sessions. I can’t fucking believe myself. I take the rest of what’s left of the contents in the glass and down it. I stare at the empty glass debating on another, and think about the magic potion. Actually, I can say it is. I came in here feeling like my heart was being imprisoned by a woman and now it’s freed. My mind was filled with a thought of one and now there are images of another, and the idea of love has vanished and been replaced with what I’ve always known to exist, lust.

An arm wraps around my shoulder, the warmth of her breath against my neck causes chills to runs down my spine, and my blood to flow causing more discomfort than I’d like to admit. Suddenly the image of me fucking her on the bar seems like a fucking good idea.

“Ready, handsome?” she whispers in my ear.

Oh, sweetheart you don’t know how ready.

I stumble to my feet but I try to walk as straight as I can. My apartment isn’t far from here. I’ve made the drive many times and I know I can do it. I’m trying to sober myself up; I can feel myself swaying as I walk. We open the doors and I inhale the crisp air, almost losing my footing. She suddenly appears by my side and I look at her and smile. She has really nice teeth and eyes. They’re brown, I think.

“Keys?” she says holding out her hand and all I can think of is her rubbing that hand up and down my cock. Shit, the sooner we get to my place the sooner I can fuck her.

“It’s a stick shift, mueñca, can you handle that?” It’s hard for me to articulate the words but I somehow manage. We walk toward my car and she opens the passenger door for me. I avoid looking down in fear that might fall and bring her down with me, so she eases me into the seat and places the seatbelt in my hand. Her tank top dips low making me want to rip it open and reveal her flesh.

“Buckle up, sweetheart.” She shuts the door and walks around the car and she adjusts the seat. “Where are we headed?”

“To The Tower.” Her long leg hits the clutch and the movement of the car makes my head spin. As much as I want to keep my eyes open, but the heaviness succeeds.

Lips against my neck, hands rubbing up and down my thighs. “Mmm, yeah baby.” My hips move toward her and awareness to where I am creeps in. I’m still in my car. I open my eyes I look over and the bartender is in the driver seat. She about to unzip my pants when I stop her, she slams her mouth against mine and her moans are enough to make me harder than I already am, I need release.

We are in my apartment and my coordination isn’t the best but for what it’s needed, I’m sure I’ll manage. That tank top has been teasing me and that’s the first thing I’m ripping off her before we even get into the bedroom. Her back slams against the wall in the hall; her kisses are more frantic and her moans are louder. She wraps her legs around my waist and I can feel the warmth of her through my jeans, shit. I walk her toward my bedroom and we fall against the bed. She is moving quickly to remove her shorts. I stand to remove my jeans and kick them aside. I see her naked body sprawled out in front of me and I just want to fuck her, and fuck her hard is what I’m going do. I slip on the condom and pull her toward me along the edge of the bed spreading her wide exposing every crevice and I thrust hard into her. She lets out a yelp followed by a serious of moans. The more she moans and cries out the harder and faster I move into her. I lean down and the sensation I had been longing for is near. I open my eyes and I press deep into her. Her nails dig deep into my back so I grab her hands to secure them above her head. Her breathing is heavier with each thrust, and the way her breasts bounce each time causes me to bite down on her right nipple. She yells out and bucks her hips up, digging my cock deeper into her; the contractions from her release sends me into a state of a frenzy until I feel my body weaken, my toes curl, and my eyes close.

I can barely open my eyes. I manage to look at the time and it’s almost six in the morning. I have a hangover plus a naked female to my left. Fuck. She’s right. I feel one hundred times worse; not only do I have the worst fucking hangover but the hollowness in my heart is even emptier. I inch away from her and looking at her nakedness as the sunlight hits the outline of her curves makes the bile rise. It’s not her, this is all me. I’m disgusted with myself. I run to bathroom just in time to empty whatever contents are in my stomach.

After my shower and a cup of coffee, I’ve called her a cab, just like I’ve done to all the others many times before. I gently shake her awake not really wanting to touch her, she slowly opens her eyes and a small smile breaks across her face. Fuck, no!

“Your cab is waiting downstairs.” Her smile falls and she sits up. I know she’s mad but I really don’t care.

“What? You’re just going to throw me out? Do you even know my name?” She’s mad and still in my bed.

“No, I don’t know your name and I don’t want to. And yes, I got what I wanted so get out.” I hand her clothes and money for her cab. Her eyes are piercing me as she’s dressing. I don’t wait for her in the bedroom. I walk out into the living room, looking out the window into the city. She walks past me and throws the wadded money in my face. “I’m not a whore!” The door slams behind her as she leaves and I feel sick to my stomach about what happened last night.

It seems as if the load I’ve been carrying is heavier than before and she did nothing to alleviate it. I thought she was going to satisfy my need, my hunger, my emptiness but I was wrong and I’m left with having to deal with the grief that has now worsened. My heart is like a rebellious boy; it wants what it apparently can’t have. Sophia.

I kick the bedspread off me. I feel restless. I have been tossing and turning all night. I can’t seem to fall asleep. My hormones have been off the charts. Yesterday I was supposed to be searching for baby stuff. Instead, I signed up for Tumblr and watched video after video, or GIF of hot male “V” abs. Lost three hours of my life. Who knew there were so many pictures of shirtless hotties on the internet?

I need water or ice cream. Getting up from the bed, I walk toward the kitchen. As I pass the front door, I hear a thump coming from outside.

“Baby, I can’t wait to have you all to myself finally,” I hear a girl say.

I open the door just a fraction and look across the hall, where Matias a.k.a my baby daddy has a girl pinned up his front door. His mouth is on her neck, the look of abandon on her face warms mine. I can feel my body gets heated as I recall those lips on my skin. I had a few flashback from Matias and I over the course of the last weeks. But to see him in action tonight brings dampness to my body. His hands start to roam her body, grabbing one of her breast roughly. Seriously, get in your fucking apartment. I humph. I am more turned on now. I think he heard me humph because he halts all movement. He is about to look over his shoulder when I shut the door. I can feel heat radiating from my skin. I finally hear the door from the apartment open and close over the racing of my racing heart.

The feverish feeling continued to spread throughout my body like rapid fire. I forget all about the water and the ice cream as I race back to my bedroom. Closing and locking the door, I go to my bed with only thing on my mind, something that I have never done on my own.

The fire is consuming me.

With hooded eyes, I see my hand travel the length of my body, toward the inside of my panty. The first touch makes my toes curl into the bed. My hand trembles as I continue to move my fingers, over and over my sensitive bud. I moan, grabbing my breast with the same roughness I saw Matias do earlier. I feel the momentum building, spreading this fire to every corner of my body. When I scream out there is one name on my lips and green eyes staring at me through the stars I see.

Will’s eyes were blue. That is last thought I have before I fall asleep, with no trouble.

MORNING COMES TOO soon as I rush to the bathroom to vomit. Morning sickness is no joke. I continue to dry heave as the urge to pee comes.

I clean myself up and go to the kitchen; I turn on the coffee machine. As I smell the coffee brewing, the smell starts to make me sick.

“Is that for me?” I hear Katia say as she walks in to the kitchen.

“Yeah, now it is,” I say walking to the living, away from the smell. I sit on the couch, leaning my head down, to ride off the nauseated feeling.

“When do your parents get in?” Katia asks as she pours my coffee on to her mug.

“They said today. But they didn’t give me a time. You know them; they will get here when they do.” I bring my head up slowly from in between my legs. I lean my head back on the sofa ledge.

“Well, I have some errands to run today. Then I have to stop at the bookstores for some games that I want for my lessons next weeks. Do you want to come?”

“Nah. I want to get my room clean and get ready for my parents. I still have not yet gone over what I am going to say. And should I tell them who the father is?” I ask. I need advice; I have no idea what to say or how to even bring it up.

“I think you need to tell them you are pregnant first, then you can talk about the father after their shock wears off. I mean, I would be careful in telling your parents that you are a hoe.”

“Shut up!” I yell as I throw a pillow at her. I know it will not reach her but it’s the intention that counts. She laughs all the way to her bedroom.

“Hey how come there was no breakfast with my coffee?” she yells from her room.

“Because morning sickness is a real thing,” I say. I can feel my tummy getting better. I rub my hand over it, still amazed that this is real. I am going to be a mom something that I have wanted since Will and I said ‘I do’ but the time was never right. I just hope that Will doesn’t hate me. For this and for last night. There are times I can’t recall his smell or the sound of his voice. I don’t want to forget him, but I think my heart is making room for the baby inside me. My heart is healing. This little flutter in my stomach is my new reason to live.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Katia asks, as she comes back out of her room. She has her hair in a bun with light make up and yoga pants with a t-shirt that reads “Bazinga”.

“Yes I am sure. Go out. Be merry.” I yawn from my spot on the couch. During my musing, I had laid down. Even though I just woke up not even ten minutes ago, I am so tired and sleepy.

“I think you need to get out more. Get fresh air. Let’s go have breakfast at our favorite café.” Katia continues to beg. I know she wants me to be out of the apartment, but I am afraid to run in to him or worse, run into the girl from last night. Yeah that thought keeps me in my current position.

“I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night, just thinking about my parents visit. Can I have a rain check for tomorrow? We can take my parents. Well if they are still here after I tell them their daughter is a hoe.”

“Hoe, you already owe me so many rain checks, but like all the rest I will let this one slide, since I know how hard today and well everyday has been. Love you. And eat something. Read your baby book and see what helps with morning sickness. Call me if you need anything.” She leans down to give me a kiss on my forehead. “Oh do you want me to be here for when you tell your parents?”

“No. It’s okay. I think I am taking them to lunch or dinner, depending at what time they get here. You know my mother will never make a scene in a public place. So she will keep her mouth shut. And the ride back here will probably help cool her down a bit.”

“See, you have a game plan already. Now you just need the words. Good luck my friend.” She drapes a plush throw over me.

And she is out the door. I settle into the couch and close my eyes. This pregnancy is making me so tired and I am only eight weeks along.

The vibration coming from my side was what woke me up. I reach for it and I am about to throw it on the floor when I realized it’s my phone.

I see ‘Mom’ flashing on the screen. I swipe the screen to answer.

“Hello,” I speak, sleep lacing my voice.

“Sophia, honey it’s mom. We are almost there. Are you still asleep? It’s two in the afternoon.” That makes me jump from my warm cocoon. Shit. I sit back down. My stomach is literally empty, but I can feel bile rising up my throat. I get up slowly, and walk to my room. I need to take a shower. My mother is still going on and on about how sleeping too many hours can cause cancer. Everything can cause cancer with my mother. Then she starts talking about how a friend of one of her comadres actually got cancer because she slept too much.

“Mom, I need to jump in the shower and get ready. Dad still has the key right?” I say interrupting her story, which I am probably hear about it again at some point today. I hear her ask him.

“He says yes. We will see you soon.”

I jump into the shower, washing away the tiredness I feel. I run my hand down my body and I feel the small bump that’s forming. That makes me pause. Once I tell my parents that’s it, it will become real. I know it’s real, but like real, real. Right now, we are only three that know: Katia, baby, and me. After my mother finds out, it will be half of the population of Texas. The guilt of not telling Matias is starting to weigh on me. Should I tell him first? Before my parents? No. He has his own life and the last thing he wants is a baby. I mean last night he brought a girl home, how many has he brought over the last month? He is a bachelor; he doesn’t need a baby to complicate his life. I get out of the shower and dry myself. I hear voices coming from the living room. I put on some boy shorts and a tee. I walk toward the living room, wrapping my hair in a towel.

“Mami, papi, are you here already?” I say as I swing the towel over my head. That’s when my eyes land on green ones. “Oh, hi,” I say to Matias. I see his eyes roam my body and the instant his green eyes meet mine again I can see the fire in them, making my nipples harden from his eye assault. I see him lift an eyebrow while his mouth forms a smirk when I fold my arms over my chest. Jerk. He knows what he did.

“Sophia, this nice young gentleman helped us carry all our stuff,” my mother says. I know what her mind is thinking already. If only she knew that we already crossed the forbidden bridge.

“Yeah I was leaving the building when I saw them on the curb getting their luggage. I just didn’t know they were the parents of one of my lovely and friendly neighbors,” Matias says not taking his eyes from me.

“Do you want to join us for lunch? Sophia just needs to go get ready.” My mother inviting Matias to our lunch is not happening on my watch.

“Mom, I’m sure Matias has other things to do than have lunch with us. Right, Matias?” I give him my worst eye glare daring him to accept, but also letting him know that he will die if he does.

“Yes, I’m sorry I can’t join you today, but hopefully one day from your stay we can all have dinner,” he says politely, giving my mother his full mommy-melting smile. Jerk. “Well, I bid you good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Montenegro. Sophia, I will see you later.”

“Bye.” That’s all I say as I shut the door behind him.

“Mami,” I say as I hug her, giving her the greeting that I wanted to do before I saw Matias.

“Papi,” I hug him and kiss him on the cheek.

“How’s my princess?”

“Seriously, dad I’m like twenty-eight years old. But I am doing well. Let me finish dressing,” I say as I walk back to my room. “What do you feel like eating?” I say as I roam my closet for some comfortable clothes.

“Is Katia coming with us?” my mother asks.

“No. She had some things to do today, but she will meet us for dinner.” I grab leggings, a long t-shirt, and some ballet flats. Going to the restroom, I do my make-up. I hear my stomach growl. I realize I have not eaten a thing today. That is not good for the baby. I feel like eating something fresh. Like fruit or a salad.

“Is she dating anyone?” my mother asks.

“Who?” I reply as I apply my mascara.

“Katia.”

“Not that I know of, why?” I have a bad feeling about where this is going.

“Well Katia is a nice girl, a teacher. Matias seems like a good guy, and he is an architect. I am just wondering if they could both join us for dinner one night.”

Oh. Hell. No!

“No, mom just no. Matias is not Katia’s type. She will tell you that tonight when she joins us. So get that matchmaking thought out of your head.” I sound more upset than I should as I yell back at her. My mother will read into it too. She is very cunning in that sense. She can learn so many things by your voice.

“Ok. It was just a suggestion. Why are you mad?” I knew it.

“I’m not. I’m just hungry. Are you ready?” I ask as I walk out of the bedroom, grabbing my bag from the floor.

“We are ready, right Theresa?” My father has been very quiet since they got here.

“Daddy you have been quiet.” I want to know what’s going on.

“Sorry, mija, it’s just that something is different about you. And I can’t figure it out what it is.”

Maybe I should’ve been more worried about my father rather than mom.

“I’m just happy I guess. I have the two more wonderful people in the world with me,” I say with a huge smile on my face.

“Okay now I know there is something wrong. Out with it Sophia Lee,” my mom demands.

“I’m offend that you would think that you and dad are not my favorite people in the world.”

“Are you in some kind of trouble? Is it drugs?” My mother, always to the point. “You said that you were not drinking anymore.”

“No mom. Can we go? I’m starving,” I say as I get closer to the door.

“Tell us, Sophia.”

“Dad!” I say with pleading eyes. I am really hungry and I did not want to do this in privacy.

“I am not moving until you tell me Sophia Lee.”

“There is nothing wrong,” I reconfirm that with a smile. My mother does not budge an inch. “Fine do you want to know what is ‘wrong’?” I air quote that last part. “Because I honestly don’t think it’s wrong, I actually can’t wait to do this.”

“Oh God, you are moving away aren’t you? To some foreign country and marry an Italian man.”

“Mom, not all foreign countries have Italian men. But no I’m not moving. I’m pregnant.” I don’t see either of my parents blink for a few seconds. Then my mother jumps into action.

“Where is my phone? Where did I leave it?” Okay that’s fast, she is going to call all our relatives.

“Dad, why don’t you say anything?” I see pity enter his eyes. Not the reaction I was going for.

“Where is my phone, Ernesto?” Mom yells.

“Mom, you can wait to tell all my tias. Aren’t you going to congratulate me?”

“I’m not looking for my phone to call your tias, I’m calling Dr. Durate,” she says with her hand on her hips, eyes roaming every surface of the living room looking out for her phone.

“Dr. Duarte? Why?” I am so confused. But she can’t call him. He will know it is Matias’ love child. He will add two and two. And I can’t have him telling the father just yet.

“Because you are off your medication again, and having another breakdown again. Pregnant. Aye Jesus y Maria,” she whispers the last part while doing the sign of the cross.

“Mom, no I am not having a breakdown. I am serious. I am eight weeks pregnant.”

“Aye Dios mio.” She sits down on the sofa, once again doing the sign of the cross. “How did this happen? Did you get IVF after all?”

“No. It was all in a traditional manner.”

“So, you met someone?”

“No.” I know it is not going to go well.

“So, how Sophia Lee? Help me understand what you are saying.”

“I had a one-night stand.” She just freezes. Without moving or blinking her eyes. I can’t tell if she is breathing. “Mom?”

“Aye Dios mio now my daughter is a …”

“So, who is hungry?” Leave it to dad to try to interrupt and change the subject. I know he always has my back even when he is disappointed in me like at this moment.

The brief exchange stirred up all of the emotions I was feeling and settled in my frontal lobe. My mind is on overdrive and I’m not sure I know how to deal. Walking in and seeing her made my body react which then caused my mind to imagine, which then caused a smile to that image. What I did not expect was her response to my presence. So many things, so many things I wanted to say to her but it was just not the time. She was just at arm’s length away and all I wanted to do was pull her close, wrap my arms around her, and give her all my heart and soul but it’s just not that easy.

This is my darkest night by far; my soul is in deep despair. I have been contemplating with my heart and mind about the idea of love. If only I wouldn’t have made myself susceptible to the possibility to love then I wouldn’t be in this emotional turmoil. But the idea of loving her makes me feel whole. If I don’t welcome these sentiments with arms wide open my heart will never beat the same but I’m afraid if I do my heart will stop if it gets wounded. My racing mind won’t let me sleep. It’s 3 a.m. and the frustration is setting in. My eyes are heavy, my body is restless but my mind feels like it’s running a marathon. I try to zone in on the darkness but even that has me thinking about her.

I finally just climb out bed and head to the kitchen. I make myself a cup of coffee and sit on the couch. I stare out the window, but that does nothing to distract my mind from Sophia; it actually makes me think of her more. What’s worse is that I want to walk right over and knock on her door and talk to her right now. But it’s not ideal at five fucking a.m. I actually don’t fucking have a clue when the ideal time will be to talk to her will be. She wants nothing to do with me. I was lucky to even see her yesterday. I was lucky to even step foot into her apartment, damn it! I should’ve just taken my chance then and walked her to her room and told her exactly how I’m feeling. But I didn’t. So, I sit here staring at nothing with my heart and soul on the verge of ruination like a fucking coward.

I turn on the television and lean back but nothing seems to keep my attention, so I leave it on the history channel; it’s probably the only thing that’s at least semi-interesting. Somewhere between watching the ‘Mysteries at the Museum’ show and drinking my coffee, I must have fallen asleep because suddenly I hear knocking at my door. It’s hard to open my eyes and my body feels is as if someone layered cement on me. I literally feel like I can’t move. It’s been almost two nights without a restful sleep and it’s weighing on me. The knocking continues and I realize that whoever it is isn’t going away. It takes all my strength to get myself up. I look through the peephole and it’s Nicolas. A sigh of relief comes over me, as I didn’t realize until now how much I need to see him until this very moment. I open the door ready to brave whatever words he has for me. I was a fool last time, but now I’m ready to listen and not be stupid and defiant.

“Hermano, what’s wrong? I’ve been trying to call you all morning in hopes you could meet me for coffee but you never picked up which was strange because you always answer my calls. So when you didn’t answer and didn’t call me back, I decided to come by. I saw your car and bike in the parking garage and I knew you were home, but it took you almost ten minutes to answer the door.” Concern floods his eyes and he is looking at me like he wants me to answer questions that I don’t have answers to any.

“I’m sorry, brother, didn’t mean to worry you. I’m just going through some shit.”

“You don’t look well; in fact, you look like you haven’t slept in days. What’s going Matias? Are you in some kind of trouble? This is not like you, talk to me man,” he says, moving over to sit on the couch just as I realize my coffee spilled all over the leather sofa. I grab a kitchen towel and clean it. Nicolas takes a seat on the love seat.

“I fell asleep drinking coffee.” I can’t believe I didn’t feel the liquid running over my chest and back as I slept.

“I can see that.”

“Hermano, I don’t even know where to begin.”

“The beginning would be nice.” I glare at him and he put his hand up in surrender. “Sorry.”

“I’m not one of your patients. This is serious, Nicolas, I’m drowning here man and I can’t seem to get any air. You know that I don’t believe that there’s one person that is meant for oneself. I mean that one person who someone believes you are suppose to love and grow old with until the day you die.”

“A soulmate,” Nicolas confirms.

“Yes, a soulmate. I never believed that one person can feel so much for another being, and can think so much about another being even without their presence. I never even thought I would want to live out my future, my forever with just one woman.” I have to take a moment to recollect myself. The feeling is overwhelming and thinking about not having Sophia makes my heart palpitate. It makes my body feel numb and I feel some tightness in my chest. “The only people I ever cared about apart from myself have been my family, other than that you know I only love myself. I’m selfish. Then, one night I end up here in my bed with this woman, who by the way is my neighbor, and gives me the most passionate night of my life. One night. In one night, she showed me more passion and affection than I have ever received, and fuck me it’s addicting. The way she touched me, the way she was kissing me, down to the way she is looking at me. It was the most intoxicating experience in my life. Since that, I can’t get her out of my fucking head. All I want is to get to know her, to talk to her, to be with her, but damn, she won’t even give me the time of day. I fucking dream of being with her man, shit! Tell me it’s fucked up. Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me I’m a fucking psycho trying to hook up with someone I hardly know.” I finally stop talking and wait for him to respond but all I hear is silence.

“Damn, hermano, I knew you had some interest but I had no idea of the seriousness of the situation. I never thought someone could conquer your heart. You, my brother, are experiencing affection and that is a good thing. I just want to say don’t rush this, don’t push her; it will only back fire on you, believe me when I tell you this. Sophia needs time to heal her old wounds; if you pressure her too much her wounds will scar and never completely heal.”

I know I should listen to him, I said would, and I can’t afford not to. And while I want to go knock on her door, alleviate this heart of mine, and find out if she her heart reciprocates the same feelings, my mind won’t be at rest. “You’re right, hermano, patience means discipline. I just hope I have it in me.” I don’t know if I have the endurance to be patient. I’ve never had to wait for anyone or anything in my life. If I wanted something I got it, but this, this is out of my control.

“You do, you’re a good man. And I know that one day you will make one woman very happy. But right now, please make me happy and accompany me to some lunch. Besides, it looks like you could eat something.” He’s right, it will probably do me good to get out and eat just to get my mind off who’s across the hall.

WHEN THE HEAVINESS finally doesn’t weigh me down, it seems as though I can take a deeper breath. Nicolas has relieved a burden I had no awareness of, damn, no wonder people pay good money to see my brother. Already, I feel like the sun is a little brighter, the music is a little more cheery, and my mood a little lighter. I open my fridge, in the mood for some OJ and there’s none. Shit. I need to go get some groceries. Well now’s a good a time as any, the afternoon is nice. I’m showered and dressed. And well, I feel good, so why the hell not.

I grab my keys and head out in my car since I need a few things. I don’t usually fill the shopping cart since I always just grab the basics. I hardly cook for myself, dinner is usually take out, and when I dine in it’s usually something simple like tacos or hamburgers. I’m standing in front of pounds dead cow trying to make my selection when I hear Katia’s voice behind me. My body acts like a knee jerk reflex. I turn and see her with Sophia’s parents. She locks eyes with mine, she doesn’t smile, and it feels a little awkward as she approaches with Sophia’s parents. I look for her but she doesn’t seem to be near.

“Matias, I’m so happy to see you here, listen tonight my wife and I would like for you to join us for dinner.” My eyes make a round and they land on Katia who looks as stunned probably as I do. But this is an opportunity to see her, to talk to her and I can’t pass it up. Maybe it’s fate.

“Yes, of course.” I see Mrs. Montenegro nudge Katia on her arm wink and smile at her.

“Excellent, you won’t have to go far, it’s right across the hall at Sophie’s place at eight p.m., Theresa is making her famous enchiladas Mexicanas, so don’t be late or you’ll eat them cold.”

“I won’t, I’ll be there.”

“Good, and thanks for not letting me be the only man in a room full of women, it can be intimidating.” I smile as Mrs. Montenegro hits him on the arm. They continue to collect their items and I am still a little shocked by the exchange.

Katia was hard to read, she didn’t say anything to me, and in fact she completely avoided me. Shit. Maybe Sophia is going to be upset over this whole dinner situation. Fate might have just hit the fan.

I completely forget everything I need and just decide on one thing, or two. I purchase two bottles of wine, the best a grocery store carries. I want to be early, so I have about an hour and a half to mentally prepare myself.

TIME COULDN’T HAVE moved any slower. It seems as though the seconds were minutes and minutes were hours. I’ve checked the time a gazillion times but it’s still seven-thirty. I debate whether or not to go over. I wonder if she already knows about my invitation, if so, is she mad? I inhale a deep breath and rub my palms against my fingers. Okay, I am ready to face her. I grab the wine bottles and head out the door.

I only need to knock once, Sophia’s dad welcomes me in with a pat on the back and her mom greets me from the kitchen as I walk in. I hold up the bottles of wine, grateful I had two so he wouldn’t notice my clammy hands.

“Bring those here,” she says. “And pour me a glass. I’m glad you made it.” As I walk into the kitchen, she stops what she is preparing to greet me with a kiss on the cheek.

I round the corner and standing with her back to me is Sophia. She hasn’t even acknowledged my presence. She’s cooking; my nerves suddenly kick up a notch. Now I’m just hoping I don’t break a fucking glass. Man up, Matias. If you want her, let her know it. Be the man you know you are.

Seeing the light shine on her hair, seeing her standing there, warms at my soul. I approach her from behind and look over her shoulder to see what she is cooking. Yum, rice.

“Smells good,” I say it close to hear so only she can hear me.

“My mom made it, I was just checking in on it,” she says and doesn’t bother to say hello. She doesn’t even look at me.

“I meant you.” That statement made her head turn. She looks at me and I step back and give her a smile and a wink. “Wine glasses are here?” I ask.

She just shakes her head in acknowledgment and turns back around. As I’m pouring the wine she excuses herself and rushes out of the kitchen. Her mom goes right behind her and a sense of uneasiness comes over me. I hope I didn’t do anything to upset her. I walk over a glass of wine to Señor Montenegro.

“Don’t worry, son, it’s woman stuff. You know they go through this when-” He is cut off by Katia who coming from the hallway.

“I’ll take that and don’t worry Sophia is just fine. So why don’t you help me finish up the small things in the kitchen that Mrs. Montenegro needs done.” She loops her arm in mine and pulls me toward the kitchen while taking sips of the wine she took from me. Mr. Montenegro laughs and shakes his head.

“Ahh, I remember those days when Theresa and I where young. Believe me you two, it only gets better when you get older.”

“What does?” Mrs. Montenegro asks.

“The love.” Mr. and Mrs. Montenegro smile at each other and I can’t help but think that they’re assuming, Katia and I are, uhm…no!

“Who’s in love?” Sophia asks.

She looks around and spots me. The blood rushes from my head to toes and suddenly I wish we were the only ones in the room. My body is slowly drawing itself to hers but as about to approach her she turns and runs toward the bathroom. I run after her and hear her vomiting. Katia is behind me.

“She is okay, she has a stomach bug and has been ill. Go and I’ll take care of her.”

I slowly walk to the kitchen worried about Sophia; I hate that she’s ill. I wish I would be the one next to her comforting her, holding her. I take a seat at the table and my appetite is gone. Mr. and Mrs. Montenegro are having a conversation but my attention is on Katia and Sophia in the bathroom.

“That must be a bad stomach bug,” I comment.

“A stomach bug?” Mrs. Montenegro questions.

“Sophia is pregnant.”

“Mother, no!” Sophia yells.

I feel all the blood drain from me. I feel lifeless. My heart just stopped from beating.

Total absolute freak out.

Something is happening to my body.

I can feel the panic over taking it.

Swallowing me.

“Sophie, you got this okay? Just breathe,” I hear Katia say as she squeezes my hand tightly before leaving the restroom. How could my mother just blurt it out like that, to Matias of all people? He is a stranger to her, to us. I told her I didn’t want anyone to know about this.

Breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I got this. Fuck, I can’t. I feel the walls caving in. My chest hurts.

“Matias, are you okay?” Katia asks. “I think you should go home. Give her a minute okay, sweetie?” I hear the door open and close.

“Que pasa? What is going on Katia?” My mother asks. “Where is Sophia? Why did you tell Matias to leave? We haven’t had dinner yet.”

“Theresa, give me a minute. All of your questions will be answered, but let me go and make sure Sophia is okay. Then we can all talk.” I can hear Katia footsteps coming towards me. Why does she sound like she is under water?

“Sophia, sweetie, are you okay? Can you stand up?” She is handling me like one of her students. So delicate like I am breaking apart. Which I am. I was not ready to tell Matias. I was barely capable of telling my parents, heck even myself.

“I can’t seem to. Catch. My. Breath,” I manage to say, looking at her through unshed tears.

“Just inhale and exhale slowly. You know like you used to do it before.” She manages to get me up and walks me out of the bathroom. I stall at the hallway. I can’t.

“I can’t, Katia,” I manage to say. I can’t go back to the kitchen. Because I know after that I have to go to Matias’. I want to turn back and run, to hide in my bed under the covers. I should not have waited this long to tell him.

“Sophia, it is done. Matias is probably going crazy next door. He was pale white when he left. I think he was too stunned to refuse to go. You owe it to him,” she says using her stern teacher voice. The one that leaves no room for complaint. I take a small step back. Her grip tightens on my arm.

We walk into the living room. My parents are sitting side by side, with a bewilder look on their faces. Probably wondering what the hell is happening.

“Sophia Lee, what is going on? This trip is making my blood pressure sky rocket.” My mother looks at me like I hold all the answers, which I do. I see her gripping her rosary tightly between her tan wrinkled hands, as if God would help give her the strength to overcome my answers.

“Sophia, can you give a brief answer, because I think there is someone who needs to hear what you have to say most urgently,” Katia says urging me on.

“Princesa?” I can see the worry around my dad’s eyes. I realize at that moment that this past year has aged him faster than the rest. Did I make that happen? Was his constant worry about me making him older?

“Mama, papa. Matias is the father,” I blurt out. I don’t want them to worry anymore. My breath comes faster and calmer at the same time.

“Virgen santisima. Are you sure?” Really, she doubts me.

“Seriously, Mom?” I reply. “Yes!” I yell, looking at her like she is insane. “Once again, you ruin everything! Can’t you just stay quiet?”

“Sophia, don’t raise your voice to your mother,” my father replies, coming after me.

“You are defending her. She continues to bring destruction to my life.”

“Niña, that is unfair. You made this mess all on your own.” I can’t even reply to that because he is right.

“Sophia, throwing blame is not going to make it go away. I told you to tell Matias when you found out. You had almost two months to tell him. Don’t blame your parents.”

I can hear my mother sniffle. Once again I am the bad guy, the crazy one.

It’s like they are all against me. I am hurting, can’t they understand that? Can’t they see that I am bringing a child into this world without Will is killing me? This was supposed to be us having this baby. Not me and a stranger.

“Sophia, Matias is waiting,” Katia reminds me. I should have done this so differently. If I hadn’t lost my head on Will’s anniversary, this would have never had happened.

I look at Katia, pleading to let me stay. I know my parents will be no help.

“Katia, I think Sophia needs to rest. She was sick earlier and I don’t think the situation now will help the baby settle,” my mother pleads in my behalf, even after I just yelled at her.

“With all due respect Theresa, Sophia needs to go tell the father, that he is in fact going to be a father.” With that, I am shoved out of the front door. I hear the bolt locking.

“Seriously Katia?”

“GO!”

“Aye, Ernesto he looked like a nice boy. With today’s youth you never know these days. It’s true what they say, ‘cara vemos corazons no sabemos’.” We can see faces but we will never know their hearts.

“Si, mujer,” my dad answers. I am still stalling in the front of his door.

“Sophia, I don’t hear you knocking!” Katia yells through the door.

Once I knock the door, opens almost instantly.

“Nick, you will nev…” He stops as soon as he notices I am not his brother.

“You called Dr. Duarte?” I yell. Really, this night keeps getting better and better.

“I just wanted him to come over, he is my brother. I feel I might need him,” he replies anger in his tone.

“Well, at least this time it wasn’t my mom,” I murmur.

He motions me to come in. The only other time I was in here, I was in such a rush going in and a rush running out that I didn’t look around his place. I take a moment to collect my thoughts. I can feel his heavy stare on my back as I walk towards his sofa.

“May I sit?” I ask him. I don’t know how to act.

“Sure,” he responds no emotion coloring his words.

I take in his black leather living room; he has architectural photography artwork covering most of his walls. Some are of the best buildings in the world. I can see his workspace on the far corner of the room.

“So was it before or after,” he asks, jostling me from my musing.

“Was what?”

“The baby, Sophia. Were you pregnant before or after we fucked?” He responds impatiently, anger lacing his words.

“After.” That’s all I say before there is knock on the door. He gets up rubbing the back of his neck as he goes to open the door.

“Matias, hermano, what is going on?” Dr. Duarte asks as he walks into the apartment. He stops abruptly as soon as he sees me. “Sophia?” I can see the confusion in his eyes. I give him a small wave.

“Nicolas, Sophia and I need to talk. Can you wait in my room?” he tells Dr. Duarte. I can see how taunt his shoulders are. He is holding his feelings in check.

“He can go over to my place and wait with my parents. I mean they just finished making dinner. And I know my mother would hate for the food to go to waste. And both my parents would love to see you.” I ramble, my voice shaking in the process. I am kind of nervous of being alone with Matias now that he knows the truth.

Matias just shrugs his shoulders, motioning Nicolas to decide. I hear the door closing again as I see Matias walking over to his liquor cabinet and pour himself a drink, drinking it in one gulp. Getting his liquid courage, I presume. He pours himself another before turning to toward me again. This is it. I’m on the spotlight. He looks at me with a pointed stare, waiting for me to continue.

“The baby is yours,” I squeak I clear my throat because I am not this fragile person; Will loved how strong I was. “You are the sperm donor actually. You don’t have to be the father.”

“Like hell I don’t!” he yells, gulping the rest of his drink. I think that is the third one already. He comes to stand in front of me, jerking up from the sofa.

“Matias,” I warn. I can see the storm brewing in his eyes. The stare he is giving me is supposed to intimidate me, but it is not.

“Since when?” he releases through clenched teeth.

“Since when, did I know? A month,” I respond.

“A fucking month!” he yells releasing me from his hold so abruptly that I fall back down to the sofa with a bounce. “A fucking month! During that time, it never occurred to you to come over and knock my door to let me know?”

“It was complicated.”

“How complicated could it have been, huh? Just walk over and say, ‘Hey, Matias, I need you to know that I am pregnant.’ That’s all you would’ve needed to say. Simple,” Matias says as he paces angrily.

“I have not been in a great state of mind this past year and then this happens. So, yes it was complicated for me, to just come over and tell a complete stranger that he knocked me up,” I reply with annoyance. Who does he think he is to tell me what is complicated or not? He has no idea who I am or what I am struggling with.

“How complicated can a breakup be, they happen all the time? You just need to get over it. Besides, that night you were not thinking about whoever broke your heart. Were you, muneca?”

“Asshole,” I tell him as I get up from the sofa. I don’t understand how I let a guy like this touch me, how I let him into my body, to tarnish what I had with Will?

“I am not grieving a break-up. I am grieving for who my heart use to beat for, my husband; you jerk!” I yell at him. Now is my turn to get in his space. “Yes, I might have been wrong to hold this from you as long as did, but you don’t understand how hard this situation is for me. I lost my husband a year ago and what do I do on the night of his anniversary of death? I go fuck some stranger from a bar. I had sex with someone that I didn’t love. I let someone else share a part of me that only Will knew. All it took was just one stupid, drunken night and I became pregnant. Not with the person I love, the other half of my soul, but with a stranger that picks up random drunk girls from bars and takes them home. And forgets to wrap it up. Good thing my STD test came back negative. And now I have you yelling at me. Which I don’t appreciate. So ‘simple’ is not the word I would use.” My face turning red with anger. “Beside, how could I ‘come on over’ when your house is always full of your ‘friends’ that come and go?”

“Friends?”

“Don’t play dumb, Matias. Or do you prefer the term ‘one night stands’? On second thought, maybe it is simple for you. How many others are pregnant from you or do you already have more children?”

“I don’t have anyone else,” he argues.

“That you know. I saw you practically screwing that girl the other night on the hallway. You might have forgotten the condom again.”

“Spying on me, Sophia?”

“No, I heard a noise thought it might have been a rat, so I checked and I was not wrong,” I attack. It’s always been I trait of mine to attack before I think; my defense mechanism, I guess. Will, used to call me his spitfire. He was always saying it was the Hispanic in me, since all our emotions are always overly dramatic from watching Telenovelas. He could’ve been right.

“Did you? Did you enjoy the show? Did you want to be that girl?” he says as he gets closer to me. I feel his hands wrap around my forearms. The fluttering of my senses starts to overwhelm me. What the heck is going on? I have never felt this way. I see his eyes widen with the touch, before I know it he is pulling away.

Matias walks over to the sofa and sits down on edge, taking a deep breath.

“Sophia, I think we are taking this conversation away from what is really important, the fact that you are pregnant. Have you thought what you are going to do?”

“Yes. I am having the baby. I understand if you don’t want to be a part of this.”

“What? Of course I want to be a part of this.”

I know I will have no excuse to not let him be a part of our lives. We were both drunk that night. We are both technically single. Both have careers that can provide for the baby. Maybe he has more to give the child in the long run. I know I will not be able to do this alone. I don’t realize I’m crying until Matias speaks up.

“Sophia, come sit down. You need to calm down; it’s not good for the baby for you to be upset,” Matias says, tenderness lacing his words now.

He leads me to the sofa and sits with me, not letting go of my hand. I can feel the heat from his body sweeping into mine.

“Sorry, hormones,” I say as a way to explain the mood swings we just experienced.

“Yeah, are they contagious? Because that’s probably why I want to kill you and hug you at the same time,” he says with a half-smile.

He wraps his arm around me and I lay my head on his shoulder. We might not be the best of friends nor the best of neighbors, but for the baby that unites us now we have to be together.

“We are not strangers, Sophia,” Matias says as he leans in to kiss my head.

The shroud of emotions over takes the happiness that’s within; it’s as if I’m in a gray state of mind, not white or black but gray. An escape is what I want right now, not to leave my baby behind, not to leave her behind but to get a grip on my emotions. All these nights, I have gone back to that one. The one fucking night where she showed me what it was like to share your soul with somebody.

Fuck!

My arm instantly retracts and it’s like a barrier is formed between us. Sophia sits up and adjusts herself, her red brimmed eyes look at me and my heart instantly softens. God damn, she has a grip on my soul and I can’t fucking be mad at her. I give her a warm smile. I don’t want her to see my hurt because I know her pain and hurt is much more than I can ever imagine. So I bury my emotions and put my happy face.

“Are you ready to face the familia?” I ask her.

I have to get a grip on my emotions. I know that Nicolas will see right through me. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m overwhelmed.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

I bring my hand to hers and she takes it. Looking down at her hand in mine makes me feel whole. Right now, I need her and she probably needs me too; it might not be what I had hoped but it’s a start.

“Ready,” she replies as she squeezes my hand.

We walk straight to her apartment, the alcohol running through me is making the emotions unbearable, and as we step over the threshold. I release hold of her hand and don’t take another step forward. She stops and turns to look at me and behind her is the rest of the family. All eyes are on me and I realize that I can’t do this. I need to turn and leave but just then, Nicolas comes into view.

“Hermano, te nescistan. This isn’t just about you anymore. There’s a baby involved here now.”

A baby.

There’s a sensation that runs from my head down to my toes, like a shock wave. It’s a bit painful but after the initial shock, there’s numbness. I need to leave and so I do.

“Matias!” Nicolas and Sophia yell out for me at the same time but I don’t stop. I go straight into my apartment, slam the door, and lock it.

“Matias, open the door. We need to talk about this brother.” Nicolas’ voice is calm and smooth; it must be the tone he uses when he talks to his patients. Well, I’m not one of his fucking patients. I ignore him.

I stand up against the door and let myself slide down. I eye the bottle of whiskey and right now it looks damn good. It would be nice to help ease some of these emotions. To help calm these nerves. To help deal with the pain of her rejection. To cope with beginning of a new life as a dad. Fuck!

“Matias, I’m sorry,” I hear Sophia whisper through the door. I close my eyes at the sound of her voice.

I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for thinking it was me she really wanted that night. I’m sorry for thinking that loving me could ever exist. I’m sorry that I could probably never live up to be the man her husband was. I’m sorry that I would probably never love her the way she deserves to be loved. But most of all, I’m sorry for getting her pregnant when it should’ve have been her husband.

I’m. So. Fucking. Sorry.

My emotions are fucking loose. The pain, the loss, the rejection, the excitement, the nerves, are mixed together and the only reaction my mind does to expel it all is to cry. I’m fucking crying. I’m so overwhelmed that my brain is on overdrive it’s probably going haywire in there. They’re still knocking at the door, my phone is ringing but I can’t deal with it anyone right now. I can’t even deal with myself. So I ignore it.

I get myself of the floor and head over to grab the bottle of whiskey. It’s my remedy right now. I think back to what the bartender said that night, my magic potion, but she was right it wasn’t. I’m going to be a dad and so fight against it and set the bottle back down. I need to cope with these feelings on my own. I need to come to terms with what my life is now. I need to face what it is and what my life can be. A sharp pain sears in my chest thinking about her absence in my future. But the thought of having a part of her, a part of us present makes me feel; it makes me happy.

I sit in darkness overlooking the city lights and all my thoughts are on Sophia. I can’t imagine what she’s thinking right now. I wish I could call her or text her but I don’t have her damn number. I’d call Nicolas but I’m not ready to answer his questions. I need to talk to Sophia first. I need to let her know that I want this and even though this doesn’t include me and her, I want to a part of my baby’s life. I can’t leave her alone in this. She’s been alone dealing with all her pain and sorrow. I just hope that our baby can bring her some happiness.

It’s late and I’ve been lying in bed with all my thoughts just on her. She’s been alone in this far too long. I get myself out of bed and wash my face. I look up at myself in the mirror as I brush my teeth and realize that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and maybe neither does Sophia, but we can figure this out. I know she is stronger than me, I know she might not need me, I know she might not want me, but I want a try at this and figure this. Whatever this is, I want it.

I throw on my pajamas and head straight over across the hall to her front door. It’s three a.m. but I need to talk to her and it can’t wait. I know I might seem crazy, but I need to see her now. I ball my fist and raise it up to the door and knock gently. My heart is racing; I don’t know what reaction I’m going to get and I don’t care. I need to expel all my feeling to her right now. Not later. Not tomorrow. Now. I can feel the fluttering in my stomach as I hear the unlatching of the door.

“I need to talk to her now, Katia,” I say when she peeks out from the door and not giving her a chance to turn me away.

“Matias, come in and give me a chance to go wake her. If she wakes up, I’m sure she will want to speak with you but I don’t know if she'll wake. She is exhausted from last night,” she whispers.

“Please, I need to speak to her now.” She turns and heads down the hall while I wait by the door.

“Matias, wait for her here in the living room; she’s coming.”

A sense of relief comes over me at the thought that she is willing to speak to me. I see her round the corner from the hallway in an oversized t-shirt; damn, she looks so beautiful. She sits next to me on the couch.

“I’m glad you were able to rein in your feelings,” she says, her voice is soft but sounds a little raspy, almost as if she getting sick or maybe she just tired.

“Yeah well, it was a little too much for me all at one time,” I say with all honestly.

“Which part?”

“All of it Sophia, the baby, the truth about that night, your husband.” I look down at the mention of him. I don't even know his name. I don't know if I want to but this is what I came over here for, to be honest and to lay it all out on the table.

“That night, Sophia, it changed me. You changed me. I used to believe that love couldn’t exist, that it was a fairytale. That people were delusional in thinking love was out there because really, what defines love? But then I met you and the passion you showed me that night changed me. I couldn’t get you out of my mind. You were all I thought about; you were the only one I wanted to be with but then our dessert date fell through. You would avoid me. And yet despite it all, I would still dream of you, of us. You don’t know how many times I wanted to walk across that hall, knock on the door, and take your lips in mine. But the thought of your rejection killed me. Then yesterday when you told me that it wasn’t even me you were thinking about, that killed a little piece of me inside even more.” I can’t believe I'm being brutally honest with her. I’m such an ass.

“I’m sorry, my intention wasn’t to hurt you.” She places her small hand on mine. “Matias, I know I did. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” She turns toward me and hugs me. I hold her in my arms, accepting her apology. I feel her body shake and I know she's crying. I let her cry because I’m crying with her.

“I’m scared,” she whispers between her silent sobs.

“Me too, but we will do this together. I promise never to leave you alone in this. I promise.” I kiss her temple as she leans into me. She melts into me and I wrap my arms around her. If only I could shield her from all her pain and all her hurt, I would. I would take it all. She lies still in my arms and in this very moment with her in my arms it’s as if there was never any sorrow. Her love fluttered right back into my heart.

As I melt into his arms the vow he makes has me tensing. I have come to detest that word. I pull away at the same time he leans in closer to me. Making it an awkward hug.

“Don’t say that word,” I tell him as I detangle myself from his arms. “Actually you don’t have to vow to do anything for me or the baby.” Getting up, I walk towards the windows showcasing the San Antonio sky line. I get lost for a few minutes on the darkness of the empty streets at this time of night.

“We will take this one day at a time Sophia,” Matias says as he once again wraps me up in his embrace. “We will get through this together. I will not leave you alone in this ever. I promise.”

“There is that word again. That’s the word that I hate. Will promised me we would be together forever. I promised him I would move on with my life. Promise is a vow that brings so much heartache when you can’t keep it, because we don’t know what the future holds. So don’t ever use it on me.”

Sighing, he agrees. “Ok, but it doesn’t make my vow any less worthless. From this day forward, I will take responsibility for my child. Our child. I will protect her or him until my last breath. And I vow to always love them.”

Those words are what I needed even if the voice was not the one I want to hear them from.

“I’m so tired.” I turn in his arms, giving him a hug. It is still strange to hug a male that is not Will.

“Sorry, that I am keeping you up. I just needed to talk to you.” We walk hand in hand towards the front door. “I am just a knock away okay. Whatever you need whenever you need it let me know.” I grab his phone from his hand and dial my number. I will probably never use it, but I can tell by his expression that he want to know that I had it just in case.

“Goodnight,” I whisper before closing the door.

“Will, why couldn’t it be you? This would be so much easier with you around. This should have been the happiest time of our lives. We would have been parents. You would’ve been the best father in the world. What if I can’t do this? Live without you. The baby. Loving again. What if everything falls apart again? Will I be able to handle that?” So many doubts fly through my mind.

I pull my sleep shirt from the drawers and I shut the drawer close. It doesn’t go all the way in so I do it a bit harder this time. Some of the stuff I have on top of the dresser wobbles with the movement; the only thing that falls off the dresser is a picture of Will when he first got the firm. He was so excited that day and scared. I took it behind his art table. He is holding the coffee mug I gave him to show him my support. As I look closer I gasp, on it, it reads ‘You Got This.’ Was this divine intervention? Of all the crap in have on my dresser, that photo was the only thing that fell. I grab the photo, putting it back. Maybe this was Will’s way of giving me encouragement. I contemplate on that as I get ready for bed. Would I be okay if Will was okay? When will I find the answers?

WAKING UP I feel this calmness around me. Maybe it is time to move on with my life.

I can do this.

I can exist without Will.

I think he always knew that. The pain of his absence is still very present; there is still an emptiness in my heart. But I will pull through. For the baby. For Will. For me.

After I look past the mug on that photo, I realize that I wanted to be around Will’s things. Not to be reminded of him, because I am always thinking about him, but to bask in his creativity is what I need that more than ever. My ability to create is gone. I always saw everything in patterns and colors. After Will, everything was just black. But this morning I when I woke up, I saw colors and shapes, something that hadn’t happened in a year. I am ready to go to the firm today and see what I can create.

Since the death of Will, I have gone to our office once; just when his will was read, naming a head council for the business. He knew I loved to decorate and I was not interested in the blue prints or anything to do with the actual construction. All I cared was for there to be walls and light. So he pointed his four junior apprentices to become a council of sorts. They hold meetings every Thursday.

And today is Thursday.

“Well, don’t we look nice. Where are we going?” Katia says as soon as she sees me walking into the living room. I am wearing a black pencil skirt that fits me like a second skin now that I have gained a few pounds with the pregnancy. A shear grey shirt completes my outfit. I still wear colors that are appropriate for a widow.

My mother turns to look at me from her chair at the bar, almost choking on her coffee.

“I’m going to work,” I say mildly, pouring myself some coffee on my travel mug. I feel six pairs of eyes grow wide and three mouths drop open.

“Are you meeting the lawyer honey?” my mother asks regaining her ability to talk.

“Nope.”

“Do you want company?” my father inquires.

“Nope.” I look at them before I get my laptop and purse; they are just standing there like statues. It would be comical if it I wasn’t for the fact that I know that they are worried about me. “Guys I am fine. I just woke up with a sense of hope and the urge to create today. Goodbye.” I sweep out of there before my mother calls Dr. Duarte like she tends to do when she can’t tell what mood I’m in.

I had already called a cab for me and he was waiting in the front of the building as I made my escape outside. I didn’t know where my own car keys are since I have not used my car in a year. Will’s truck was kept at the construction site for use of the employees.

This ride was one that I didn’t think I was ever going to have the guts to do again. The day the will was read, I was in a fog. I didn’t know how I got there or how I was able to stay in the conference room for as long as I did without falling apart. The ride home with my parents was also a blur.

The cab comes to a stop at the front of the building it takes me a couple of minutes to get the courage to get out of the cab.

“It will be $27.50, ma’am,” the taxi driver says after a few minutes.

“Yes, of course,” I say as I take out the money and pay. “Keep the change.” I get out of the cab and my body feels like lead and gets heavier with the emotions running up and down my body; just as I look up at the beautiful building my husband help create. The sleek lines; the reflection of the busy city is shown on every glass panel that composed the five-story building. Will love to draw by natural light. His office was made of just glass, even the ceiling. I told him that he might catch fire, with the hot sun shining over him. But he added protectors in certain areas.

The doorman recognizes me immediately. “Mrs. Collins, what a wonderful surprise. Can I help with anything today?” he asks with a brilliant smile. I know I know his name, but I can’t recall it at this moment. I think it starts with an ‘S.’

“No, thank you. I am just want to have a feel for the place again.” His smile warms me. I can see it in his eyes that he is glad I am here.

“Let me get the elevator for you, Mrs. Collins.”

“Call me Sophia and thank you.”

“Do I ring them upstairs that you are going up?”

“No. I don’t want to bother anyone. Everyone is probably busy, since the day just started.” I get in the elevator.

As the elevator climbs up, I remember the first time we came into the building. Will’s excitement was beyond this world. He had been working so hard through the years to get his own firm, to be able to showcase his talent. He ran through each hallway, each room was open. He was didn’t slept for days drawing the design and transferring it to his computer to make 3D models. Every room in this building has his initials in some way, that was all me. I had to make sure no one ever forgot that this building was inspired by a man that never stop dreaming. This was his second home. The only reason he slept at the house was because I was there, but if I had decided to move to this building, he would have never left it.

The elevator comes to a stop on the top floor. I walk into the foyer where Susan is waiting for me.

“Steve, called me that you were coming up. Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes, Sophia and you have put on some weight? I know your mother is in town, she must be making all those delicious Mexican dishes and making you eat them by force, huh?” She gives me a huge, tight hug. I nod my head as to agree with her that is the reason I have gained weight. Susan had been Will’s personal assistant since he was a junior architect in Austin. She made the move with him, because she said that he didn’t even know how to sharpen his own pencils without her, so he needed her. I just know that she saw him as her son and she couldn’t stay away. Susan was a huge help when we started up the company. She had been at the previous company for twenty years. She became Will’s assistant by default. Will’s death was hard for her, too. Will had stipulated on his will that she could either retire with a good stipend from the company or continue to work with us. She stayed on because she said she was too young to retire. Plus, she wanted to keep an eye on the young bucks.

“It’s good to see you too. Looking good. How are the young bucks doing?”

“Good. Still wet behind the ears but they have great potential. What brings you in today?”

“I just had this feeling that I needed to create today, but I wanted to listen in the meeting. See what projects they have. Maybe be able to get in one of them.”

“You are always welcome. They are in conference room three. Let me get you an agenda folder, since I am pretty sure they are almost done,” she says walking over to her desk and picking up a folder. She hands it to me and directs me to the room. “In there you will find all the paperwork and contracts they have been discussing today.” I walk the halls that Will walked every day. Walls that were testament to our love.

I walk in the conference room quietly; there is a pause on the discussion when they see me.

“Sophia, how are you?” Patrick, the first architect we hired when we moved, comes up to greet me. Sam and Frank follow suit. After a round of hugs and greetings, they move back to their chairs.

“I don’t want to interrupt guys. Please carry on. I will listen and review the folder,” I tell them gesturing them to seat down and go back to their meeting. They do and before I know it they are once again in the discussion of converting an industrial building into livable condominiums.

Opening the folder, I review all the offers that have been made to W&SC Designs in the last week. Will’s success was something that we prayed for. He became one of San Antonio’s sought after architects. There were always contracts to review. Businessmen would postpone their openings until Will had a chance to go visit and make estimate on property.

I look over contracts after contracts. One catches my eye; I don’t know why since it doesn’t look like a request for construction. The design on the letterhead looks familiar but I just can’t place it at the moment. I read the contract and that’s when I connect the dots. This papers on not for someone wanting to contract W&SC, it’s someone that wants to buy W&SC.

“The company is not for sale!” I jump out of my chair, stunning everyone. The chairs falls on its back on a thud.

“We know,” Sam tells me. “We just had Mr. Duarte come in for a meeting where we explained that. We gave him the appointment out of respect to him. His designs have been seen all over the world. He wants to set roots here, since his family lives here. But we told him that this was a family owned business that the family did not want to sell. Yes, Sophia, we told him about Will and the request he made to make sure this firm never left your hands.” Even before Sam confirm that the name I saw was Matias, I somehow knew it was him.

“I have to go, good day.” I leave the conference room with a lot more noise than when I came in.

“Susan, can you call downstairs for them to have a cab waiting?” I say in a rush as I head to the elevator, my hands gripping the contract.

“Is everything okay?”

“No!” I see Susan looking at me with concern, but I don’t have time to explain. I know I am being rude, but I don’t care right now. I will send her an apology gift later after I deal with that slimy little fucker.

Who the hell does he think he is making an offer to Will’s company? My company. Hot steam is radiating from my body as get into the elevator.

“They will have one ready for you. Be careful, Sophia. Don’t be a stranger,” Susan calls out as the doors come to a close. Oh don’t worry about me Susan, it is my neighbor that needs to be careful. Because this momma is pissed.

I get into the cab, giving the driver my address. I am fuming all the way home. How can he do this? Is this why he wants to get close to me? What if he got me pregnant on purpose?

I don’t even let the cab stop when I’m out the door. I throw him all the cash I have on me. Not caring if it was more than the ride I just need to get upstairs. I open our building door in a rush, running up the stairs.

I reach his door, knocking hard. The accusations are on the tip of my tongue. I need to get this anger out. I knock harder I can feel the door shaking with my knocks.

“I’m coming,” I hear Matias say through the door. “What’s the emergency?” he asks as he opens the door.

I push past him into his home. The door closes and I turn to him.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing making an offer to my company?” I yell as I throw the contract at him.

“What are you talking about?” He looks at me like I’m crazy and maybe I am.

Hormones.

He catches the papers and starts to go over them.

“This is the proposal I put in a few months ago to W&SC. How do you have this?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know. I will never sell the company my husband built. You will not touch it, like you did me.”

“Sophia, calm down. Let’s talk about this.” He tries to come closer towards me. I back up, so he stops. I am not letting this prick touch me.

“Calm down? Fuck you. Did you get me pregnant on purpose? Since the board told you no? You thought ‘Hey let me screw the poor widow and get my hands on her company.’” I’m yelling, getting on his face.

“Sophia, what the hell! I would never do that. If you knew me…”

“That’s the problem, I don’t. You were just supposed to be a random stranger that I could get lost in for one night. A night that all I could see was my husband. A night you ruined when you knocked me up.” I am so close to becoming hysterical. This was not going as planned. I was deviating from the problem.

“So your Will is the same Will in W&SC and you are the ‘S’? Wow. Sophia, when I went I was just looking to find into a firm that already had a roster and see if they were interested. By no means did I want to take advantage of the widow, meaning you.” I don’t know if I could trust him. What if this is another ploy to get me off his back?

“That’s hard to believe. Look I just came here to tell you we are not selling now or ever. So go look somewhere else.” I look at him, for the first time I see him fully. He is standing there with just a towel. How could I have missed his state of undress? His broad shoulders encasing a strong chest are just there in display for anyone to see. His six-pack is home to this trail of hair that disappears where the towel begins. I can feel a tremor of something starting to rage inside my body. My mind literally goes blank.

“Am I just a stranger, Sophia? Didn’t we cover this last night?” he says as he stalks towards me. Like a lion hunting his prey.

“Keep away, Matias.” My voice is shaking as I give the orders.

“I might be a stranger to you, but your body knows me very well. I can practically hear your blood pumping through your veins. Am I making you nervous?” he asks with a smirk.

“No. You are just being weird. My body doesn’t know you. It only knows Will. That night I thought I was in his arms not yours so don’t flatter yourself, if you think that memory is what has me worked up. It’s your audacity for putting an offer to my company.” I can hear the firmness that I don’t feel on my voice. I can see a flash of hurt go through his eyes before the fire comes back. He gets closer and closer to me and before I know it, I am in a cage with his body in front and the wall behind me.

“Step back Matias. Please.”

“Oh you will be begging in a moment. You think that he was with us that night? Really, because I am up to the challenge to make sure he is not between us anymore,” he whispers into my ear, sending chills down my body.

“Stop.”

“I can feel your goosebumps,” he says as his hands run down my arms, pulling me into him. I know that I’m super horny because of my pregnancy, but I don’t think the things I am feeling are because of that anymore. His smell is turning me on even when I don’t want to.

“If you are trying to intima…” I don’t get the rest out before his mouth claims my own. He devours me. His hands are everywhere. I move my hands to push him away, but instead they go around his neck into his hair bring him closer. I feel alive. His energy is making mine spark. We kiss for what seems like hours. Both of us eating each other’s moans. He breaks free first to gasp some air.

“There will be no ghost with us tonight, Sophia.” I can’t even comprehend what he is saying all I do is nod. I know I am supposed to feel guilty about this, but I can’t. Matias has awaken feelings in me that I thought would never be awakened. I have to give him a chance for me, for the baby. Do I trust him? No I don’t but I have to try.

“The baby?” he asks

“The baby will be fine,” I respond between kiss. He sweeps me off my feet and carries me to his bedroom.

All thought of companies, one-night stands, and Will are forgotten. I could’ve stood my ground and not let this happen, but when I am close to Matias, I find that I am unable to form a good argument. They all seem pointless. I know he thinks he loves me, and I am probably going to hurt him. But for tonight I am letting him sweep me off my feet.

Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc.

The sound of the clock wakes me; I peek my eyes open and the twilight rays illuminate the room in an orange glow. I turn and feel the warmth of her body against mine, her form filling the sheets besides me. She’s sound asleep and she’s beautiful. Her long lashes lying against her cheeks, the curve of the bridge of her nose is perfect. The fullness of her lips, and blush on her cheeks. Oh. So. Perfect. She’s in an angelic-like state which makes this all seems as if this is dream.

I place a soft kiss on her shoulder, hoping not to wake her. I lie in the stillness of this moment and take in the warmth of her soul. The completeness encircling my heart is what I have been missing. I want this. I want her. I want them.

Por siempre.

“Don’t think I forgive you just because my hormones can sometimes take control of my body,” she says, softly awakening from her nap.

Her words bring a smile to my face because of the innocence present in her tone; it doesn’t compare to her desire-laced voice or the hungered eyes from hours earlier.

“What?” she asks, looking at my smile as she turns to face me.

“Nothing,” I say.

“I didn’t know I amuse you so much,” she states as we look at each other.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.” Silence fills the room. The realization hits of how little we know of each other. We aren’t strangers obviously, but we aren’t really friends either. The thought of being an acquaintance, hell no! Right now there is no real definition of what we are, the only thing that binds us together is our baby. “We need to change that Sophia, we are going to be having a baby. We are going to be bound in the life together forever.”

“Matias, please, what happened hours ago was a moment of weakness due to the majority of my brain being controlled by my hormones. I agree that we need get to know each other more, more than just knowing the physical aspects of our bodies. I just need you to know that my heart will always belong to one man. Even though he is no longer here, my heart has no room to love another. I need you to know that before we get more involved I can’t give you something that is already taken. I want you to be there for the baby. I want us to be friends.” She sits up and the sheet that was covering her slips down to her waist revealing her the swell of her belly. I focus on her brown eyes as she tries to form the words that she needs to say to me. I know what she’s going say before she even says it.

Just as I was about to revel in the moment, the rawness of reality hits me. She doesn’t want me. She doesn’t love me. I will never be him. The only way to into her heart will be by giving her what I have given no other.

Mi Corazon. Mi Alma.

“And another thing, my-”

“I know, your intentions were never to lead me on,” I finish for her just to make it easier on her.

“Yes, so this, what we are doing,” she circles her index finger around us. “Can’t happen anymore.”

“Well, I don’t agree. I don’t see anything wrong with two people having consensual sex with each other.” As soon the word sex comes out of my mouth, I hate it. I hate the word. I hate the way it makes this situation feel. I hate the meaningless way it has degraded my love toward her, because I made love with her. I shared my heart and soul with her.

“It’s not right. First, it can lead to feeling on your part, not mine. Second, if we were to become friends, we shouldn’t be intimate. Third, I’m not going to be your whore.” She gets off the bed and goes into the bathroom. I go right in after her before she has a chance to lock the door.

“First off, you will never be my whore. Second, I’m a grown man and I can handle separating sex and feelings. Third, celibacy is not something I’m ready to start practicing. I can’t be with someone else when the mother of my baby is sleeping right across the hall from me. It’s either you or no one.” Lies. I’m feeding her lies. First to her, because I want her more than ever and then to myself in thinking that maybe, just maybe she will feel me and someday want me then fall in with love me.

“Matias, I don’t know if I can do it. Right now I have to say no because it doesn’t seem right. But then a few days from now when my body is craving a man’s touch, I might just come knocking at your door. I’m sorry for my honesty. But this is what it is.”

“Sophia, anything you need from me is yours.” Our naked bodies are so near that I can feel the heat radiating off her. Her chest is heaving, the small swell of her belly is rubbing against me and even though it’s barely noticeable, it protrudes more than the rest of her abdomen. I want to reach out, caress it, kiss it, and talk to my baby; my exuberant heart beats wildly as the excitement fills me. I place my hands on her belly. She places one hand over mine and we just stand there for one moment, interrupted by the sound of a rumbling sound coming from within.

“You’re hungry. You need to eat.” This is a perfect time to have dinner, talk some more, and just be with her. “Let’s shower and I will order take out of your choice, unless, you would rather go out to dinner?”

“No, take out would be perfect, I’m in no mood to get dressed to go out.”

Perfect. I get to have her all to myself. It’s still early in the evening and I’m not ready to let her go. I don’t know if I am ever going to be ready to let her go.

We take a shower, together. I never knew how convenient it is to have someone shower with you. I can get used to this. I wash her back. She washes mine and it brings a smile to my face. These small little things are going to drive my love deeper into my heart for her and that can be a dangerous road to follow but I’m willing to chance it. I need to be patient because she is something worth waiting for. I just hope that a speck of likeness can grow into a sea of love for me.

Our shower lasts until the water begins to run cold. I don’t even know how we lasted so long in the shower when all we did was talk about her next doctor appointment and her next appointment with my brother.

We are in my bedroom. I’m dressing into some old gray sweatpants and black tee when I look over and see her, she’s still standing in a towel wrapped around her.

“You look beautiful.” I can’t help the words that just came out of my mouth. I shouldn’t have said them, knowing that she just wants to be friends and her needing to know that I’m not expecting more than just friendship. But I do speak the truth. A blush forms on her cheeks and if I’m not mistaken it looks like she’s trying to bite her inner cheek to keep from smiling.

“I’m cold,” she says, her lips begin to shiver and I walk toward her. “My clothes aren’t very comfy and I don’t want to go home right now. Katia will ask too many questions that I don’t want to deal with right now. Can I borrow something?” she asks.

“Sophia, no need to ask. What’s mine is yours. Make yourself comfortable.” She heads straight to my closet and pulls a sweatshirt off its hanger pulling it over her head.

“Where are your socks?” I point to the dresser in the closet. “Top drawer.” She pulls it open and picks out a pair of my socks, pulling them up her feet.

She goes into the bathroom and brushes out her hair and puts on some lotion on her legs. I stand there watching her. Her beauty still amazes me. It’s like watching the sunset set over the ocean for the first it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

I literally have to stop myself from staring at her, that’s how much my heart is already invested into this friendship.

“Greek or Chinese?” I ask.

“Greek,” she responds without hesitation, stepping out of the bathroom and walks into bedroom she grabs her purse and sits on the bed.

“What do you want to from The Great Greek?” The Great Greek is the best Greek restaurant in town.

“Get me the garlic shrimp skewers with the fries with loaded feta cheese and make sure the pita bread is extra toasted, and also the lamb burger well done with extra feta no tomatoes, and just one side salad with ranch dressing and ask them for extra cucumber easy on the red onions.”

“There’s no need to order for me.”

“Um, I wasn’t. That’s my order. I’m hungry. I didn’t have anything to eat all day and I can’t decide which of the two I really want. Besides I’m so hungry, I’ll probably finish both and the salad and still have room for dessert.”

I throw her a smile and grab my cell phone to place the order, meanwhile I looking at her busying herself sending text messages.

Dinner was perfect, not to mention filling. I can’t believe she ate all that food. I can’t even imagine how someone so small can eat so much. In the last two hours I have found out that she can eat and she loves to watch ‘The Big Bang Theory’ because it makes her laugh. She loves to eat cake for breakfast, her favorite color is blue, and she’s always cold even when it’s hot. She likes to snack on potato chips and Chunky Monkey ice cream, she misses interior designing, she loves coffee (she is cranky without it, I made a mental note of that), she loves to read because she loves a happily-ever-after, she misses her husband every day, and she still cries for him every night.

Her dewy eyes look over at me at the mention of his name. I have only heard it twice, maybe three at the most. I want her to find solace in me. I want her to be able to express her emotions regardless how much this might tug at my heart. She needs me and I need to be there for her. I lean in, letting her soothe her soul and expel her tears.

This is the perfect start to building a relationship with Sophia. Patience is my only hope in conquering her heart. I know she is still mourning her husband and I am willing to give her all the time she needs. I don’t want her to forget him, I don’t want to replace him, all I want is for her to make room to love me, too.

“You know, you don’t always have to run out of here like a thief in the night,” Matias says, his voice still laced with sleep. “We can have breakfast at least.” I continue to put on my clothes. I can’t look at him, because I will go back on to that bed and forget about the world around us. And that is what had me running this morning. The fact that I felt too comfortable being wrapped up in Matias’s arms. I felt a connection stronger than I have felt before.

Please be the hormones.

“Sorry, I just need to have breakfast with my parents this morning. I did make them come all the way here and I have not spent more than five minutes with them,” I respond.

“I didn’t take you as a woman who hid behind her mother’s skirts.” That has me turning back to look at him. And there he is in all his delicious glory. His messy, dirty blonde hair from sleep, his tan torso displaying his hard, toned abs. Just remembering how my mouth explored every single dent of those abs has me feeling warm. I clear my thoughts away.

“I’m not,” I talk to the bed as Matias comes to turn on to his side, the sheet dropping a few more inches exposing more of his body. Seriously, can’t I catch a break this morning? I set my knee on the bed bending over him. I kiss him so I can have the chance to close my eyes and stop seeing him. But like always I get lost in the kiss for a few seconds.

“I really have to go Matias. I’m meeting my parents for the day.”

I make a move to straighten up, but he pushes me back down on to my back, covering me with his very naked body.

“Sophia, I really didn’t know about your firm or anything. It was just coincidence I guess. What we are building here will always be separate from our jobs.” He comes over me, raining me with kisses, making me giggle. And that is when I feel it, the first flutter in my stomach. I shake the feeling; I must be hungry.

I wiggle out from underneath him, feeling his erection as I make it out. He falls back onto his bed.

“You are killing me, Sophia.”

“See you later,” I say with a smile on my face. The emotions I feel have to be my hormones. I have so many questions to ask my doctor about all these hot flashes and feelings.

Walking into my apartment, I am met with my parents and Katia having breakfast.

“Our daughter returns. She finally realizes she has a home and her own room,” my mother greets me.

“Mom…”

“No, mija. You wouldn’t be in the situation you are in if you would remember that.”

“Seriously, Mom?”

“Just saying. Have you eaten breakfast?”

I was going to say something else but I saw my father shake his head, to just keep quiet. So I pull out a chair and sit down. Hey, I was not passing up my mother’s cooking.

“Are we still going out today, princesa?” my dad asks as he continues to eat his breakfast. My mother and Katia are quiet. I can feel their minds working on overdrive trying to figure out what does this mean. I finish my plate and take it to the sink.

“Yes. I’m all yours today.”

“Go ahead and get ready for the day Sophia, I’ll do the dishes,” my mother volunteers.

“Thanks, mom.”

I walk toward my room and before I can close the door, Katia is in here.

“Say what you have to say,” I tell her. I know she is dying to give her opinion or find out all the details.

“So what happened yesterday? I mean the text was rather vague. And I quote ‘spending the night with Matias’, why? Then I have Susan calling me to ask if you are okay. You left the office in a rush.”

“Susan called you?”

“Yes, after Will’s funeral we exchanged numbers just in case anything happened to you, but you never went back to the firm. So we never talked until yesterday. So, what happened?” she asks again.

“I went to the firm with all the intention of working. I sat through the morning meeting and while I was there, I was going through past project information and I came across a bid for the company. I was appalled that the board was thinking about selling, but Sam assured me that it was just a bid by a prestigious architect and out of respect, they gave him the platform to do his petition in person. What had me livid was who had made the offer, none other than Matias.”

“What? No.” She sounds and looks like I did yesterday. Shocked.

“So I did what any hot blooded woman does who gets betrayed. I went to tell him what he could do with his offer. Which I did for the first five seconds. Then I saw him really saw him and my pregnancy horny-mones took over,” I sigh as I sit on the bed.

“What did he say about the offer? And I think you meant hormones.”

“He said that he made the offer because he just didn’t want to start from zero and such,” I responded. “And I meant horny-mones. He only had a towel wrapped around his fine body. And then all I could think was about my tongue running down his torso, his very sexy torso. God what is wrong with me?”

“Nothing, babe. He is one fine looking specimen. So I get it. Hormones or no.”

They have to be the pregnancy hormones, because I can’t believe any other reason why I would abandon all logic and sleep with him again. And the flutter I felt earlier was just hunger.

“I know there is something else going on in that pretty head of yours, Sophia. I am always here for you, and I will forever be on your side. Whenever you are ready.”

I am afraid to say everything that is going on my head aloud. Afraid of what it would mean for my future, for my heart.

“Why can’t I move past the guilt?” I ask out loud. “How can I have feelings for someone, when for the past year I have been so broken? There were days that I actually died with the grief. Now that seems a distance memory.” I rub my belly. Oh how distant they seem now.

“Awe, Sophia.” She comes to sit with me on the bed, hugging me. I lay my head on her shoulder.
“That must mean that you are healing. Your grief for Will won’t ever go away, it just means that you have stored it deeper in your heart with all of your memories of him. And that’s a good thing, you moving on. We all knew that was going to happen. We are happy it happened. The color has return to your face.”

“Has it?”

“Oh please. Besides Matias and you made a baby, that is a bond that no one can break. I knew you felt something for him. You slept with because emotions were there. You would have never slept with him otherwise, drunk or not.”

“I can’t believe you are okay with this.”

“I have to be. You are my best friend and if anyone has anything negative to say about you, tell them to come to me. I will crush them. On that note, let me leave you to finish getting ready.”

She walks toward the door, but before she crosses the threshold, I stop her. “Katia.” I walk toward her and hug her. “Thank you for being here all this time. I thank God I have you in my life.”

“Right back at you, mamacita.” That brings a smile to my face.

She leaves and once again, I am left with my thoughts. But I push them aside and go spend the day with my parents. I convince them to leave tomorrow. I am doing better. My mother gets upset, because she wants to be here through the whole pregnancy, but I made a deal with her that she could and be with me once the baby is born for however long she wants. I can’t have her here when my emotions are out of whack.

I HAD AGREED to Matias coming with me on my next appointment with the gynecologist. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was that his shirt was off again. It seems that he never wears one anymore. The few times I have been over have always ending the same way.

With us in bed.

Even though it all feels right, it still feels wrong at some level. I am definitely not ready to define our relationship especially when I am still trying to figure it out myself.

So now here we are in the waiting room full of couples waiting to see the doctor. Matias sits next to me, reading one of the many mommy/baby magazines littering the tables in places like this.

This seems very domestic and for the first time, I don’t feel the guilt weighing me down. I still think I shouldn’t be doing this but the pressure in my chest is gone.

“Mrs. Collins.” I hear my name being called and I feel Matias rise with me.

“Oh. You don’t need to go with me,” I tell him. I mean he has seen my vagina enough.

“Sophia, I told you, we are in this together,” he says smiling that stupid panty-melting smile of his. “Lead the way.” I walk in front of him, but that doesn’t make me blind to all the stares he is getting from the other pregnant women in the room. I can feel their blood vessels pumping. Their horny-mones are on full alert. I don’t fucking like it. Can’t they see he is with me? I give them all a bitchy look. They turn away as if they were not doing anything wrong.

We get to the vital area and they do their routine of questions, my weight, and blood pressure and give me a cup to go pee in. When I get out of the bathroom, the scene that is in front of me has me fuming even more. There he is all flirty and handsome, making the nurse giggle and blush. Seriously?

“Are we all done here?” I say a little curter than I intended. But who do they think they are? I mean he came in with me, a pregnant lady. So that should give them the clue that he is the father. And him he should show me more respect than flirting with the nurse or any other girl.

Matias coughs. There is an awkward silence, before the nurse quickly shows us to the exam room.

“I think you were a little rude to the nurses back there,” Matias says as soon as the nurse closes the door.

“Really, you think so?” I respond sarcasm dripping on every word.

“Yes. We were just having a conversation. I had some questions regarding the baby and they were just helping me out. And then you come all out with your claws drawn.”

“I know that when I have questions about the pregnancy, I ask the actual doctor and there is no giggling and blushing involved. I know I have been out of the single loop for a long time but I don’t think getting informed means flirting with the person you want to learn from.”

“Oh my God, Sophia are you jealous?” he asks, smirking at me like he finds the idea funny. But am I jealous? I have never felt that feeling before. Will and I were together since high school and I was always secure enough to know that he was in love with me all these years.

Matias just stares at me waiting for me to confirm his suspicions but lucky for me the doctor walks in giving me the excuse to not respond.

“Hello, Sophia. And who might you be?” Dr. Keetes asks Matias.

“Matias Duarte, the father. Nice to meet you.” They shake hands.

“Weird, I thought the father was deceased. Must have misunderstood.” She and Matias turn to look at me at the same time. One with a confused look and the other with a hurt look.

“Yeah weird. But as you can see he is not,” I say with a nervous laugh. “Can we get this consultation started, because I am starving.”

“Well, okay. We got all your blood work test results back and everything came back normal. Are you getting any morning sickness?” The doctor starts with her questions and I answer them all while Matias remains silent. I can feel Matias next to me, his emotions wreaking havoc on mine. How can I be so attune to his?

“Remember you have to take your prenatal vitamins every day, okay? And don’t forget you have to be very careful during the first trimester. If you feel like anything is wrong, give me a call. Mr. Duarte, you have been quiet, do you have any questions?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? I mean you had my nurses trying very hard to answer all of your questions.”

“I think with you asking Sophia the questions, you answered some of mine as well.” His excitement is gone from his voice. I know what caused it.

“Well okay, but my earlier comment goes for you too. If at any time you have a question, call me,” she suggests with a wink. Seriously, even the doctor.

“Thank you, Dr.Keetes,” Matias says as he get up. “Wait I have just one question, when do we stop having sex?”

“Matias!” I gasp, blushing.

“Technically, while pregnant you have to always take things a bit slower. But you can stop when it stops feeling comfortable for Sophia. Her body will have many changes and she might not feel up to it. And we also have to make sure that everything is okay with the baby. If at some point I think there is a risk to the fetus I will have to recommend you to stop all sexual activity. Does that answer your question?” she says standing up.

“Yes thank you,” Matias replies also getting up.

“Sophia, we will see you in two months and hopefully by then we can know the sex of the child. Matias, I find it wonderful when the other parent comes in with the patient. This is something that was done together so I always encourage both parents to attend the appointments. We always need everyone on the same page.”

“Yes, doctor I think so too. And this will not be the last time you see me here,” he says as he extends his hand to shake hers.

I am the last one to get up; because even though I was in a hurry earlier to leave, I am not now. I know Matias will have something to say. And I am too tired and hungry to argue.

I wave goodbye to Dr. Keetes and go to the check out to get my next appointment and pay my copay.

“I’ve got this,” Matias says before I hand my credit card to the clerk.

“No…”

“I said I’ve got it.” His tone doesn’t leave any room for argument.

“Thank you.”

Once I make it outside, I stop.

“Look, Matias I know why you are upset. I told her that because it was the first thing that popped into my head when she ask me about the father. At that time, I was still in shock about the pregnancy and I didn’t know how you were going to feel about it. So I lied. Katia already got mad at me about it. So I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. But I was scared. Now, I know you are upset and want to argue but I am tired and hungry. So can you please get mad at me later?”

“Are you done, Sophia?” I shake my head yes. “I am not mad at you anymore. Don’t get me wrong I was at first, but hearing her ask you all those questions, and just being there with you, had me thinking about how you must have been feeling the first time you came here. Scared of the unknown. In the few weeks we have shared, I think I am getting to know you better. I shouldn’t have been surprised that you answered her questions the way you did. I was really hurt, but I am glad that I get to share this with you and now they know I am not dead.”

“So truce, because I am really hungry.”

“Truce. Now let me feed my girls.”

“Girls?”

“Yes, girls. I am convinced we are having a girl because your beauty has to multiply.” The flutter begins and now I know it was not the hunger, because these butterflies are flapping their wings like it is spring. Just knowing he thinks about our baby touches my heart in a special way.

“Oh by the way, we are having dinner with my family tonight.” Matias drops that bomb as we cross the street to the car.

“What!” I stop in the middle of the street. He just looks at me with a devilish smile.

I am so not ready to meet the parents.

Sophia has no idea the power she holds over me; she has the ability to cease life as I have to come know it for the last couple of months. She can either make me whole or leave me feeling like a poor man. The thought scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to live life without her in it. I don’t want to close my eyes in the darkness and think of her with someone else. I don’t want someone else to hold her when she’s down, to make her smile when she’s sad, to wipe her tears when she cries, or love her when she’s in need. I want to be that man. I want to be the owner of her heart and soul the way she is of mine.

My family is curious about her; they want to meet the woman who has changed me, who has swallowed my heart and shined light on my soul. Little do they know that I don’t own hers, but my mother is adamant about us having dinner with all the family despite me telling her how busy I have been. She refuses to accept no for an answer. She threatened to camp out in my apartment until Sophia came by if that meant that’s how she was going to meet her. Her threat was enough for me to say yes without thought. This has me thinking about dinner; it isn’t going to be easy. The only person who knows my whole situation is Nicolas and he’s sworn to secrecy. Sophia’s love doesn’t reciprocate and my mother is no fool when it comes to love. She has been trying to instill that notion in me ever since I told her that it doesn’t exist, and that was long fucking time ago. It was a time when I realized that love as I knew it, as seen in cartoons, read about it, and saw it in my parents and aunts and uncles, was just an illusion made to fool everyone. I came to the realization that love is meant to trick people into thinking that one person can love another more than oneself and be faithful. I believed it until I saw the lives that were ruined when the illusion was revealed, all because they believed in love, which in reality was lust. Divorce made a mess out of my tios and tias, especially my cousins. All I ever knew was how to love myself. And now my heart, without telling it to, without showing how to, without knowing what it was, it did it on its own; I love her. I love Sophia and the baby and every moment I think about her not loving me and not wanting me, it breaks me. But I’m not giving up. Love can consume the heart like a wildfire. I’m hoping a wildfire will sweep through her heart and consume it like it did mine.

THE HORIZON OF the city lights becomes more and more distant as we drive down the darkened street. My parents live a few miles outside of the city, where it’s quiet but close enough to the hustle and bustle of San Antonio.

Sophia sits to my right and she looks beautiful tonight. She always looks beautiful but tonight seems like there’s more glow in her eyes.

“I want to warn you about my mother.” I don’t want to scare her but I want her to be prepared because my mother can be overwhelming. “She is very straightforward and likes to know everything about everything.”

“She sounds like my mother. She knows about the baby, right?” she questions.

“Yes, but they don’t know the status of our relationship or the fact that-” I pause hating the way this is going to sound. “They don’t know that we are just friends who are having a baby.” I’m not even sure that defines us, but at this point I don’t know what does.

“And Nicolas?” she asks.

“He knows what I have told him and of course, whatever you two have discussed, but he won’t speak a word of this since it’s not his information to tell. My mother has always dreamed of me finally sharing my heart with someone special and I just can’t bear to tell her that our baby came from a one night stand and not a night of love.” It kills me to think of it in that way but that’s the reality and something I have to bring myself to come to terms with.

“I don’t think that’s any parent’s ideal way of becoming grandparents. Every parent wants the true love story with the big wedding and then the baby, but sometimes life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to. Sometimes life has its way of changing its course and going in a complete different direction. We can’t predict it, we can’t prevent it, we can only be resilient to it. I learned that recently and as hard as it is, as much as I want to question it every day, life doesn’t go the way we planned even when you think it’s perfect.” She looks out into the distance and back at me. “But if tonight you need me to play the girlfriend part, I will. I will do it for you just until you tell your parents that you and me, us, doesn’t exist.” I squeeze her hand just so she can know I appreciate what she is going to do. I am going to take this opportunity and show the kind of man I am.

“This is going to involve me showing you some affection. I am going to hold you, kiss you, and quite possibly sneak into a corner for a make out session.” I am just going to keep this real. I cannot hide my love her and tonight I want to make it known where my heart stands.

“At your parent’s house?!” Her eyes are wide and she raises her eyebrows.

“Why not at my parent’s house? I have free range here. Don’t you think I am going to take advantage of it?”

“Matias, I was taught to respect the homes of others and making out at your parent’s house isn’t showing them respect. It’s going to scream that I am a disrespectful, ungrateful, cheap whore.”

“Sophia, no one will ever think that of you. Ever. You are the mother of my baby and the woman I love.” I said it and I don’t care what she says back, I will continue to say it. Always, because I know that my heart will always belong to her.

“I am going to let that slide for tonight. But after tonight, I don’t want those words to ever be spoken to me again. I mean it. We had an arrangement and you agreed. In my world, friends don’t tell each other ‘I love you’ so don’t say it to me.” Her voice is firm and her hand slips away from mine.

“Well, I take my agreement back because I am going to tell you how I feel regardless, if you never say those three words back to me.”

“Matias, please don’t.” Her voice cracks but before she is able to say anything else, we pull into the driveway. I want to know why she doesn’t want to hear those words.

We sit in the silence of the car. I want to apologize but I don’t know what for. Why does she have to make it so complicated? Why can’t she just let me love her?

“Answer one question for me; why can’t I say love you? I mean it when I say it.” I look her but she doesn’t look at me; she is looking down. Her vulnerability is so apparent right now, I want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her. I want to hold her until all her pain and hurt is gone. “Don’t answer that, I know why.” I get it, just like that, I know her love for him is still there. The last man to say I love you to her was him and I have taken that away from her. The heaviness in my chest just made me feel claustrophobic. I open the car door and go to open hers. She steps out and the moonlight shines on her like spotlight on her and without thinking, I bring my lips to hers.

“Okay you love birds, your mother has been waiting for you two, so stop canoodling with each other and get inside.” My father startles us and Sophia quickly pulls away.

Her lips are magical; her kiss can take me to place where I forget about the world and all my problems and stresses. I wasn’t able see her reaction to the kiss but I know her lips kissed me back, I felt her.

“I missed you son,” he says, releasing me from his embrace. I introduce him to Sophia. He instinctively gives her a hug.

“Welcome to my home, please come in and make yourself comfortable.”

“Thank you Mr. Duarte.”

“Mijia, don’t make me feel like an old man, please call me Martin.”

“Martin,” she corrects.

We walk inside, the smell of food infiltrates my senses, my mouth waters instantly, and my nose can’t stop inhaling the smell of my mother’s homemade mole. I walk straight toward the kitchen to greet my mother, giving her a kiss on the cheek. Sophia is next to me and she takes Sophia into her arms, then pulls away to look at her.

“Finally I get to meet the woman that has captured my son’s heart.” I didn’t even get a chance to properly introduce them. Looking at Sophia I don’t see uneasiness in her, instead she smiles and takes hold of my hand. Ours fingers interlock and I give her a gentle squeeze so that she can know I appreciate what she’s doing.

“And this is my mother, Elena.”

“Mrs. Duarte, you have a beautiful home.”

“Call me Elena, and please estas en tu casa.”

“Gracias.”

“Son please take your seats in the dining room, the food is ready.”

“I can help,” Sophia offers.

“I will have none of that, now go and enjoy some chips and salsa, besides Nicolas has already offered to help tonight.”

“I did?” Nicolas questions as he walks in. “Yes, I did,” he corrects as my mother gives him the look; that look that says ‘you better do as your told or else.’

“Hi you two. Sophia, how are you feeling?” I’m not sure whether that question is towards her physical or mental condition.

“I’m doing and feeling great, Dr. Duarte. Thank you for asking.” She then leans into me, wrapping her arms around my torso, placing her head on my chest, and gives him a big smile.

She’s good. I hope she can keep it up for the rest of the evening. I can get used to this, being this close to her and being able to show my affection. It’s exactly how I envision being with her.

Dinner was wonderful. We laughed, talked, and mother couldn’t stop talking about the baby. She’s already making plans to change one of the guest rooms into a nursery and talking about having a baby shower. The excitement in her voice is so eminent, I don’t know how I’ll ever have the courage to tell her that our baby is in fact a product of a one night stand. I do, however, believe that fate had a way in this. Sophia smiled and laughed and when she would look at me, I could really see love in her eyes. I can feel it too. Here I thought I was going to have to be the one to show her the affection but I was wrong. She would hold my hand, place her hand on my thigh, give me a small kiss on my cheek, and lean into me so I could place my arm around her. If I didn’t know, she could have me fooled into believing she loves me. Nicolas and mother gather all the empty plates and mother brings out dessert. Sophia excuses herself to go to the bathroom and a minute later, I follow after her.

Sophia exits the bathroom and I’m standing across the dimly lit hallway. She stares at me and I smile at her. I know she’s wondering what I’m doing right outside the bathroom. I hold out my hand and she takes it, and I gently pull her toward me. I turn her around and back her into the wall. My hands are up against the wall, giving her no way to escape and I can see her chest rise and fall in anticipation of what I’m going to do. She looks into my eyes and then at my lips; before she has a chance to escape, I place my lips against hers. Our lips begin to move and I can feel the chills go down my spine as I place my hand on the back of her head and deepen the kiss. I can feel her tongue move against mine, invading my mouth. She gently sucks on my lower lip, causing a tingling sensation from my head to my toes. She places a soft gentle kiss on lips, and then escapes from under my arm. I’m left standing against the wall missing the absence of her lips and her presence.

I head back to the dining room and Sophia is talking to my mother. I’m in a daze-like state, wondering if she truly has feelings for me or if it was this all just part of the act.

I hear question after question coming from my mother. “Where did you meet?” “How long have you known each other?” “What do you do for a living?” “Have you picked out baby names?” Then when the question comes up about marriage, I instantly freeze. I don’t know how she is going to respond to that, it might be a touchy subject.

“Mother, we will decide that soon, right now we are just trying to get through having the baby,” I answer before Sophia does.

“Son, if you two are in love and are already starting a family, then why not get married before the baby is born? We could have the wedding here. Something small and intimate. I would love to help plan and organize.”

“Elena, I would love that, just give us time to set a date and then we can start all the planning.” My mother’s face lit up with excitement. I want to kiss Sophia and hug her, to thank her for what she’s doing.

The rest of the evening was nice and quiet. Nicolas helped my mother with the kitchen and Sophia and I relaxed in the living room with my father. When Nicolas was leaving, it was also our cue to leave. The drive home was quick; Sophia fell asleep and I drove home reminiscing about the evening. When I pull into the parking garage I hesitate to wake her, she looks so peaceful and calm.

“Sophia,” I whisper and I gently touch her, outlining the silhouette of her face. “Sophia,” I whisper again. “Wake up, we are home.” She can hardly open her eyes. She exhausted and I don’t blame her. My family can do that to you.

I help her out of the car and up to her apartment. Katia isn’t home so I help her to her bedroom.

“Thank you for tonight.” I lean down and place a kiss on her forehead. She doesn’t respond so I let myself out.

Insomnia got the best of me tonight; it’s half past two and I’m tossing and turning trying to find comfort in the oversized bed. I get out and warm up some chocolate milk but before I retreat to my bedroom, there’s a knock at my door.

“Sophia? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” She’s in an oversized t-shirt and her hair is pulled up.

“I couldn’t sleep and if I recall you did say I could come anytime, so I’m here.”

Yes, I did. She walks in and heads straight to my bed I follow behind her.

“Matias, tonight can you just hold me?”

I don’t answer that, I immediately climb into bed and wrap her in my arms.

Fraud.

That’s what I feel like. I am a complete and utter fraud.

And a coward too.

How many times am I going to run from Matias’ arms before he doesn’t let me in them again? The bond our baby shares with him pulls me into his arms time and time again. Not to mention my growing attraction to him. But I can’t stay there for long.

The guilt sets in.

Then I have to run, because it will be too easy to become tangled in his arm and never want to leave. And I can’t fall in love again. But I think I am falling. My heart doesn’t want to listen to my brain.

Last night’s dinner was wonderful; the family chemistry is exactly the kind of environment I would love my child to be part of. But all the time that I was partaking in the conversations and laughing at their jokes, I was wishing it was another family. And wishing Matias’ arms and kisses were Will’s. But my heart knew that they weren’t and it kept craving them more and more.

Matias’ kisses are slowly lifting the prints that Will’s kisses had left on my heart. He has slowly been erasing them and replacing them with his own. Every day I feel like more of a fraud. On one hand, I still feel for my late husband and the pure love we shared. But on the other hand, I am now feeling the passionate love that Matias has to offer and I keep denying it. I don’t know who I am fooling anymore, them or me.

Like I said, I am a fraud. I just don’t know who I am deceiving anymore.

I don’t know how long I have been standing here under the spray of the shower and I realize I haven’t even washed my body or my hair. As I feel the hot water running out, I know that Katia is going to be upset when she showers this morning and finds out there is no hot water. As I put the towel around me and look in the mirror, I see my sad confused eyes and think back on the conversation I had with Matias’ mom last night when we were left alone for a few minutes.

“Sophia, I love my boys. They have not been easy to raise, but they have been the light in my life for so long that I would not have it any other way. Nicholas has always been my reserved one, he hides his feelings better than a dog hiding his bone. But mi Matias, he has always worn his feelings on his sleeve, no matter what they are. I can see the love he has for you shining through his eyes. So, porfavor no lo lastimes, please don’t hurt him.”

“I would never…” She stops me, putting her hand over mine. I can see that we didn’t fool her for one minute.

“No, not intentionally I know you wouldn’t. But I can see hurt and grief clouding your eyes. I know you have experience a great loss, but my son can’t be part of your life if you engulf him in your misery. He needs to be loved. With the baby coming, emotions might get misconstrued. So, when you are ready I know you will love him like he deserves, but don’t give him false hope until you are.”

“Okay,” I agreed, because what else can I say to a mother trying to protect her child? I rub my stomach, thinking about my own child.

She is right, though. I can’t give Matias false hope that we can have a future together when I haven’t settle my present. I need to start closing the doors of my past. I know deep down I need to start closing the doors of my past so I can think about giving my child the future she deserves. The future of a happy family together. But first, I have to talk to Will’s parents and let them know about the baby and Matias. I haven’t spoken to them since Will’s funeral. It was just too hard. For them. For me.

I rush out to make breakfast.

“Son of a bi…! Sophia did you finish the hot water again?” Katia yells from her shower.

“Sorry, but I am making breakfast to make it up to you!” I yell back.

“You better! Fuck it is cold!”

I laugh as I continue to dice some mushrooms for the omelets.

There is a knock on the door and I know who it is even before opening it to reveal mossy green eyes.

“Good morning, runaway. Missed waking up with you,” he says walking into the apartment with a smirk on his face.

“Well…”

“It’s okay. I am getting used to it. I think I would find it weird if you stayed after you’re done using me.”

“No, that’s not…”

“Relax, I know. And I am glad you come to me. Sophia, I am always here for you. Besides I think you owe me breakfast after my services,” he says as he walking further in to my home.

“Fine,” I say as I close the door. My heart has not slowed down the beating since I open the door. It has been getting like that since I have been hanging out with him more and more.

“So what’s for breakfast?” he asks as he pours himself a cup of coffee. Make yourself at home why don’t you.

“Good morning, hot stuff,” Katia says as she walks into the kitchen, all ready for her day.

“Good morning neighbor,” Matias greets her with a laugh. “See, your roommate thinks I’m hot,” Matias says, looking at me as I continue to mix the eggs.

“Oh, she thinks you are hot too,” Katia replies before I have the chance, making me blush.

I ignore them as they start to talk about random stuff, like their plans for the day. I hand out plates with breakfast and pour a round of coffee as they continue with their conversation. Without my input, I am a little envious of their easy relationship. They both know where they stand with each other.

“So what are you doing today?” Matias asks me as Katia gets up to go get her things from her room.

“Oh, this and that,” I answer him vaguely. I don’t want to tell him that I am going to go visit Will’s parents. I don’t want it to become awkward between us. We have been making progress.

“Ok. I wanted to see if you wanted to come with me to see a new location I have been asked to remodel. Maybe give me some ideas.”

“Sorry, I can’t today.” I can see the hurt in his eyes. I know he wants to spend time with me but I need to break certain ties with my past. “But I’ll take a rain check.” That lights up his eyes. His mother is right, he does wear his feelings on his sleeve. It gives me a warm feeling to be able to see what kind of effect I have on him.

“Sophia, I will be late today. I have to go over the lesson plans for the spring term. So see you later tonight. Bye gorgeous,” Katia says as she walks out the door.

“Well I guess that is also my cue to leave and let you get ready. Thanks for breakfast.”

“Anytime.” I walk with him to the door. He turns back to me and without warning, his lips descend to mine, taking away my breath and my resolve. I kiss him back with no ghost haunting us.

It was just a random kiss out of nowhere; a kiss that seems like an afterthought before he left for the day. My heart took over this one. I guess the fact that he was in my kitchen eating my breakfast and having him talking with my roommate as if this scene was the most normal thing in the world, made me realize how much I do want him in my life.

“Okay, well I have to go and finish getting ready,” he says in between placing small pecks on my lips. He takes my face in his hands, looking deeply into my eyes and I think he loves what he sees because he takes my lips again in a much deeper kiss a kiss that is trying to claim my soul. But not before whispering, “Finally we are alone.”

I feel my body hit the wall just next to the door and before I know it am rubbing myself against his leg that is in between my thighs, moaning into his mouth.

“God, I love to hear you moan. I get so hard just with a simple whimper coming out of your mouth,” he says with his breath hot on my neck as he continues to make me lose my mind. I wrap my legs around him, not considering that I might be a bit heavy since I am carrying a baby now. He starts walking towards my bedroom, shedding our clothes along the way. I don’t realize until I’m actually in my room that he didn’t even ask which one was mine.

I have no idea how but just listening to my heart got me to this moment right here. On my back, on my bed, in my room that contains all of Will’s memories. But I close my eyes wishing them away. I need to make new memories for me. This is what Will want me to do. To live. For him. For us.

Today it was truly love making; we poured out our hearts, our dreams for the future, our hope to a start fresh. Our beginning was not planned, but when you are in the darkness, nothing is.

When our bodies joined, there were no skeletons.

We came apart together.

In a moment where our bodies were connected in passion, I realized that this is how life is meant to be lived. My heart was breaking the cocoon that had surrounded itself with, I didn’t know what was going to happen now, but I was willing to live through it. Because for the first time in sixteen months, I felt like I could heal.

“You know if you had slept in this morning, we could have done this earlier,” Matias says breaking the silence.

“I know.”

He turns to his side and leans on his arm, watching me.

“How do you feel?” I can see the concern in his eyes.

“Wonderful,” I tell him with a smile.

“Good,” he says as he leans in and showers me with kisses, like he loves to do. “I hate to run, but I do have a busy morning. That is now delayed, but I can’t complain.” He gets up with no embarrassment of his nakedness. His tan, golden skin glistening in the morning sun, defining all his sexy form, I have been so blind. This is a good man, one who loves me even though he has only met the broken me. He goes on collecting his clothes as if he didn’t just shatter my whole foundation.

Just laying here able to breathe without the weight of the guilt makes me breathless.

“Can I see you later?” he asks, still so unsure of my answers.

“Sure,” I say as he fixes his tie. He walks over one last time and kisses me before turning around to leave. Before he does, he halts for a moment, looking towards my dresser. I had totally forgotten that our wedding picture is the focal point on there. Then he just walks out. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I get up and walk to the dresser. I take the photograph in my hands like I have done so many times before, where my tears have landed time and time again. And for the first time, I don’t feel like I need to see it to remember the past. All my memories will always stay in my heart and mind. I bring the picture to my lips, kissing his face once again before I open the drawer and store it. I think it is time to let Will move on.

I think it’s time I move on. I gather my clothes and redress for the day.

I HAVEN’T DRIVEN in a while because I had nowhere to go. But this morning after I had gotten ready, I saw the keys shining from where they were sitting on top of my dresser like an afterthought. Grabbing them, I headed to the parking garage. I click the alarm to see where it was parked; Katia had just mention that it was in the building’s parking garage and I hadn’t pressed for details.

I could see the lights blink at the end of the row, and as I walk toward it, I pass a shiny black motorcycle that is parked about three slots away from my black Range Rover, giving me chills. I could not see or hear a motorcycle without thinking about Will’s accident. The what if’s always started circling my mind. What if I said no when he asked if he could buy one? What if I had insisted he take the car that day, knowing that the weather was going to change? What if I had gone with him instead? He would have been force to drive the car, because he knew I would never ride the motorcycle.

I rub my arms to warm away the chill and walk faster toward my vehicle but getting in and locking the doors, like that will lock away my memories too.

Starting the car, I drive in the direction of the Collins’ residence but not before seeing the apartment number that was on top of where the motorcycle was parked; giving me a greater chill.

That is a conversation we are going to have at a later time. Because right now all I can think about is exactly how am I going to break the news to Will’s family. I don’t even get to think about it too much because before I know it am already turning into their drive way.

I park and turn off the car.

Taking a deep breath, I get out and ring the doorbell.

“Niña, you don’t need to ring the door bell, you are family.” Marthita, the Collins’ housekeeper/Will’s nanny says as she opens the door and sees me.

“I was once. How are you, Nana?” I say as I give her a hug. She was so much a part of my life as Will’s. Once I was allowed to come to Will’s house on my own, I always looked forward to Marthita’s cooking and baked goods. She makes the best empanadas in the world.

“You will always will be family,” she whispers, hugging me tighter.

“Thank you,” I say kissing her cheek. I can feel the tears building up. Being here surrounded by her arms brings back so many memories of being part of this family, tightening my heart.

“I know how hard my niño’s death was on you, Sophia. On all of us. But I can see that you are doing better and that makes me feliz. And you have gained some weight! I’m jealous it wasn’t me who helped you with that,” she tells as she makes me do a twirl to really get a good look at me.

I hear her humph, with a worried look on her face. Before I can question it, Mrs. Collins comes to join us.

“My beautiful girl, how are you?” she says as she takes me in her embrace. “How we have missed you, right Marthita?” she states as she pulls away, taking my hand and drawing me into the living room. The living room where Will and I did our homework all though high school, with us ending up making out on the carpet; since his mother hated for us to sit on the sofas since those were for company only. If this furniture could talk, my face would be so red right now.

“I am doing better. One day at time, right. That’s what my therapist says,” I tell her. “Amelia, I’m so sorry about missing Will’s anniversary. You must know I was in a very dark place at the time. I know that is not an excuse but I just want to let you know how sorry I am for not being able to be there.” The tears come then trying to wash my remorse away, blurring my image of her.

I feel her come sit by me, taking me in her embrace once again and making my sobs come faster stealing my breath. I could hear her own quiet sobs as we hug each other, comforting each other in the loss of a son and a husband.

“Sophia, I was hurt at the time, feeling like you were forgetting my baby boy. It was just so hard being there surrounded by people that knew William but could never understand the depth of the hole he left in our lives and in our hearts, something a mother, a child or a wife can only understand. Losing someone you love with all your heart and mind is painful but losing a child; now that is the greatest heartache a parent can go through, nothing would ever compare to that. So, I just wanted to share the day with someone who knew the heartache of losing him caused, someone who loved him as much as me. Knowing that, how much you have loved him, helped me understand your absence. You need to avoid the place that holds the person that brings you so much pain. I knew that whereever you were you were mourning his death too. I will probably have done the same if it had been John. I knew you were in the hospital and having a hard time but I was so lost in my own grief than to be able to try to comfort you. And for that I am sorry. I wish, oh how I wish we would have never been in this position to begin with, but I hope we can rely on each other to move forward. William would have loved that. We were his best women, remember?”

The guilt after that is overbearing, I have to let it out. I have to tell her about what happen that day. I pull way, standing up. I start to pace.

“Amelia, about that day, as much as it pains me to tell you this, I have to because I feel I can’t breathe with the guilt,” I say as I go and sit away from her.

“What’s wrong, Sophia?” she asks worry marking her face just as Marthita walks in with a tray of coffee and empanadas, setting it on the coffee table in front of us. She turns to leave, but I stop her.

“Marthita, stay. What I have to confess is something that you need to hear also.” She looks at me and then at Amelia, concern in her eyes. Amelia nods and holds out her hand to Marthita, beckoning her to sit next to her. Knowing that what I might have to say will break her heart just a bit more. She sits as I continue to search for the words to spill out of my mouth.

“Amelia, as you had mentioned before, I was taking it very hard. Wishing I had died with Will that day. Hoping that life would take me away with him. It got so bad that my parents and the doctor advised me that I needed to get help. Hospitalization was the solution at that time. I was existing in those walls for six months. Hearing story after story of heartache and pain, but I felt that none of them compared to what I was going through. So, I hid behind my broken heart. Until, Dr. Duarte, my psychiatrist made the choice to release me, he realized that in fact he was enabling my downfall by keeping there. In order for me to make progress, I needed to start living in the real world. But that was further from the truth once I got out; the emptiness of my life became more unbearable. Alcohol became my refuge. That day, on Will’s anniversary I was not mourning him, Amelia like I should; I was asleep nursing a hangover. After I woke up and heard your message and the hurt you felt became my own. The guilt of missing an important date like that consumed me. So I did what I had been doing night after night. I got drunk.”

I had to stop to take a breath. Their face full of concern and pity. The room is full of tears.

The next part will be the hardest, but I want it to come out of me and not from some else, out of respect for them and Will.

“Aye, mi pobre niña,” Marthita sympathized.

“That night in my attempt to drown myself in liquor, I met someone,” I hear Amelia’s gasp. I don’t stop talking. “I did not go to that bar for that reason. Even thinking about it now, I still can’t believe I made that mistake. He took me to his house. The next day I left without a backwards glance. I felt dirty and embarrassed. For me. For Will’s memory. I walked out of there in shame and that for me was my rock bottom. I knew I could not continue this way. I gave something away that I was not ready to give.” I could see the shock on their faces. “As much as I want to erase that night from my memory, I can’t. After weeks of trying to get myself out of the place I was in, I found out I was pregnant.”

“Sophia! What about Will?” Once again, I didn’t acknowledge her outburst; I needed to get it all out before I lost my courage.

“And the worst part is that the father is my neighbor. I could not lie to him and continue to ignore him like I had been doing for those couple of weeks. As much as it pained me to know that he was the father, I had to tell him. He has been very supportive throughout all of this. He knows some things about Will. It has taken me time to get used to the fact that I will become a mother without Will. I feel like all this was supposed to be our future.” Silence reigns the living room.

“Well, I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say.” I know she is stunned. I am not here to ask for forgiveness, for something that can be undone, I am here to make sure she understands that everything I did was not to hurt Will’s memory or to cause blemish on the life we had constructed before his death.

“Amelia, Marthita, you two are like mothers to me. I grew up inside these walls as much as my own. The love I had for Will was all consuming. I loved him since I was fourteen-years-old and it never diminished, it grew stronger. I was so lost when he died; I still am in certain parts. But the thought of becoming a mother has given me the strength to heal. I know you might not understand, because like you said he was your baby, but this one is mine and I have to learn to live again for him or her.”

Amelia walks over to me, grabbing my hands in hers, guiding me to sit down. I had too much adrenaline rushing through me to sit still but for her I did.

“I have never thought about you moving on. I knew you would heal at some point; we all grieve at our own pace. That doesn’t take away from how much we loved our departed ones. I thank you for coming here and letting us know. It pains me that my son did not experience this with you.” She moves our hands aside and her palm lands on my belly. “But this right here is what life is all about. Being able to bring life back into the world. I know Will would have been proud that you have gained your courage to live again. He loved you so much, Sophia. And because of that love, you will always have a family here. Right, Marthita?”

“Of course.” Marthita comes to stand by me. Her face wrinkled with age, has gotten sadder since Will’s death. She always loved him like her own and me by default. “And this young man, does he love you? Or just the baby?”

“Matias loves us.”

“And you?”

‘’I think I do too.”

Amelia and Marthita make me stay and eat the empanadas claiming that since I was eating for two I had to eat more. I could see the sadness in Amelia’s eyes. I know that it was killing her that she would not be able to be a grandmother. Will was an only child just like me. I make my excuses, even though they say that they don’t want me to leave but I can see it in their body language that they need to process this on their own. I make my way to the entrance, hugging and kissing them goodbye and promising them that I will let them know when the baby comes and to invite them to the baby shower. Marthita hands me a Tupperware of empanadas de calabaza. I get into the SUV and drive off.

I don’t get far when the SUV comes to a stop. Right there in the middle of the street. No indicator lights, no nothing. I am about to get out of the vehicle when the sky opens up.

Soaking everything.

I can hear the horns honking for me to move out of the way. They are so loud, they start to get me anxious. I can hear the squeals of tires braking at the last minute when they come up my car. Before I know it, my tears come again. Thinking that maybe one will hit me and we could get hurt or worse that my baby will die has me reaching for my phone. Something that I should have done as soon as my car stopped. I dialed the number he had inputted himself. The storm becoming stronger, raging its war with the wind. I feel and hear the cars zoom by, making me cringe and crying harder. I send a silent prayer while I wait for him to pick up.

Please God save us. Don’t let anything happen to my baby. Will, please help us.

“Hello, Sophia.” Only my sob breaks through. “What’s wrong? Where are you?” I can hear the worry turn into panic.

“I don’t know. My car stopped in the middle of the street,” I say between sobs.

“Okay baby, hang up and message me your location through your phone app,” he says, gaining his control back. “I will be there as fast I can, okay. I promise.”

“Okay.” We hang up and send him my location through my locator app.

I cry as I wait for him. I could make a run for it but I’m even more scared of getting run over, than being stuck here in the car without the protection of the car to minimize the impacted. Just like Will.

It had been a beautiful day when he left for work. But like always, Texas weather is rather bipolar. It started raining on his way home from work. He had taken his motorcycle that day. A car tried to go faster to beat the red light but the pavement was wet from the rain and he skid, taking out Will like a bowling ball knocking down pins. The Department of Public Safety stated that if Will would have been in a vehicle the damage could have been less.

Being this close to possible harm, I think over the last few months and realize that Matias is an important part of my life. He had been slowly gluing back some of the pieces of heart.

And just like the rain that started out of nowhere, so did my love for Matias started to grow.

I look up toward the side window and there he is, just standing there in the rain waiting for me to make my move. Like he knew what I just discovered, that everything I ever needed was right here in front of me.

Him.

Them.

I rub my belly. Talking to Amelia gave me the closure I needed to embrace everything Matias has to offer.

He will become the man that will make my heart forget that it was ever broken.

Ignoring my earlier fears and worries, I open the door and jump into the rain and into his arms. Wrapping my legs around him. I feel his arms go around my waist. As I claim a kiss so deep that now I am trying to claim his soul.

The warmth spreading throughout my body as I hold her tight gives me inner peace. They’re alright. Their hearts are still beating. I prayed to God for both of their safety. I wouldn’t be able to forgive God giving me this gift and then taking it away from me. I would be ruined. Her needing me right now me is like a dream come true. The emotion emitting from her isn’t relief, it’s love. I can feel our souls fusing together as I hold her tight in my arms, unwilling to ever let her go.

I move her into the safety of my car, away from the passing cars and out of the cold rain. Her tears are constantly flowing. I place my hand on her cheek and she leans in to my palm, I kiss her forehead to assure her everything is all right.

“Baby, you’re alright. You’re safe,” I tell her. She shakes her head, acknowledging my words.

I run toward her SUV and put it in neutral; I need to get it out of the way before someone gets hurt. I push the truck off the road and steer it at the same time. It’s wet and I almost lose my footing as the rain comes down harder and faster making it more difficult. I finally get it on safe ground and run back to my car to call roadside assistance.

I EVENTUALLY GET her home and into a warm bath. She’s still silently sobbing as I wash her.

“Sophia, baby, everything is ok. You’re fine and the baby’s fine. Let me go get you a cup of chamomile tea; it will calm your nerves.” I’m about to get up but she grabs hold of my hand. Her face is flushed and her eyes are swollen.

“Don’t leave me,” she whispers.

“Never,” I answer. I stay with her until her bath gets cold. I wrap her in a towel and help her dry. She changes into my boxers and a t-shirt.

“I can go across the hall and grab some of your clothes,” I offer.

“No, don’t leave me, please,” she pleads.

“I won’t baby.”

We go into the living room and I grab a blanket and her cup of tea. We settle onto the couch, she takes only a few sips before she closes her eyes and falls asleep. My sleeping beauty, how I love you.

The gray skies are now black the only thing illuminating the room is the T.V. I have watched three episodes of Mysteries at the Museum and her body still lies motionless next to me. I grab the remote, flip through the channels, and stop when I come upon ‘The Big Bang Theory’. It’s her favorite show.

“I love this episode,” she says, a smile breaks across my face at the sound of her voice. That sweet sound fills my heart, she is my world, she is my light. She. Is. My. Love.

She sits up, adjusting herself next to me. My arms automatically wrap around her and hold her tight. She looks at me and eyes my lips, it’s like she’s commanding me to take her lips in mine. And so I do. Our kiss is gentle and needy at the same time. She has finally made room for me in her heart; I can feel it. She might not say it, but I feel it. She breaks away and sits up beside me.

“Today was a hard day,” she pauses and her eyes gloss over. “Never in my life did I think I would ever have to tell my mother-in-law, whom I love dearly, that the heart beating in my womb is not from her son.”

“Sophia,” I want to apologize; I want to say I wish you didn’t have to go through that but the reality is that I’m not sorry for any of it. “Baby, why didn’t you tell me?”

“This is just something I knew I had to do on my own and I didn’t want it to be harder than it already was. Had I told you, it would have only made it harder for me. Will is gone and I accept that my heart will always mourn him but to Mrs. Collins, this is-” I pause. “Will was her son,” I correct. “She knew that it was only a matter of time before I was going to be able to feel again. So, yes, she was surprised and saddened that her son never got to experience being a father. That she will never feel the joy of being a grandmother. Or that a part of her son isn’t here on this earth but after going through all our emotions she truly is happy for me. Because I am happy.”

Through all her words, the only ones I heard loudly were the last few. She’s happy, she truly is happy. I can’t help but smile. I know there is so much going on in her heart and even though she hasn’t fully expressed her feelings to me, she has shown me how she feels. She doesn’t have to say it because I feel it.

“I’m happy too, baby.” I kiss her forehead and she snuggles next to me. “Tomorrow, come with me to work. I would love for you to come see the building I’m renovating and I would love some of your input.” There’s nothing I want more than to be with her every moment possible and this is perfect, not only do I get to be with her but hopefully she will see the possibility of us working together.

“You know Will and I used to work together on almost every project of his. He would be the one creating beautiful structures and I would be working on the ornamental part.” She pauses. “I don’t know if I still have it in me to envision the array colors, window treatments, and patterns. It’s been awhile, but I would love to go with you and see if I can feel it, picture it, and help you with your project.” I can only imagine how hard this must be for her; however, she is willing to step out of her darkness for me.

“I would love that, thank you.”

We spend the rest of the evening watching episodes of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ and eating Ritz crackers with peanut butter and jelly, topped with wine glasses full of milk. Her laughter fills the room and I can’t help be stare at her. She’s glowing. Laughter is the best medicine for sadness.

My stomach hurts from hours of laughing and I realize Sophia is quieter. Her eyes are struggling to stay awake and her yawns are becoming more frequent.

“Baby, let’s get you to bed.”

“Yeah, I actually should go home.” My heart hurts a little at the thought of her not next to me, as much as I want to tell her to stay, I know she needs her own space.

I get her things and walk her across the hallway. I don’t enter because if I do it will only make it harder for me to leave. It’s never enough being with her. I always want more of her presence. She opens her door and turns around to face me.

“Goodnight, Sophia, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight.”

I lean in to kiss her. I take hold of her beautiful face and open my eyes when I pull away. Her eyes are closed and she slowly opens them when I place a soft gentle kiss on her lips.

“I love you,” I whisper to her.

She smiles at me and pulls away into her apartment. I stand there for a brief moment hoping she’ll change her mind. When she doesn’t, I somberly walk back into my place and I wonder how the hell I am going to get any sleep tonight.

The last time I looked at the clock, it was ten past four in the morning. My anticipation kept me awake. I can’t wait to see her, to have breakfast with her, and drive to work with her. It’s now five in the morning and I get myself out of bed ready to see where today takes us.

I’m outside her apartment at six-thirty. I would love to have breakfast at the café down the street. I sent her a text as soon as I woke up inviting her to have breakfast with me. She didn’t respond. I’m outside her apartment and I knock on her door but there’s no answer. I wait a minute and knock again. Still no answer. Now, I can’t help but wonder if maybe I pushed her into to going with me and she isn’t ready. I pull out my phone ready to call her when Katia opens the door.

“Good morning,” I say with a little too much excitement.

Katia on the other hand, doesn’t say it back. Her hair is tousled and she’s shielding her eyes from the hall light. She steps aside letting me in; it’s dark and the light that’s peeking from Sophia’s bedroom is the only thing illuminating the apartment.

“She’ll be right out,” she says through a yawn, which then makes me yawn.

“Good morning,” Sophia’s soft voice flows through the air and stops me mid yawn. “Tired?”

“Not anymore, you ready?”

“Yes, I need coffee and I’m so hungry that I don’t know what I want to eat because right now I could eat eggs, bacon, pancakes, biscuits with gravy, French toast, oh! Even a breakfast taco sounds delish about now.” She’s hungry.

We are walking to my car when suddenly her steps begin to falter.

“Baby, are you okay?” I stop to look at her, but she is standing there staring at my motorcycle.

“This one is yours.” It wasn’t a question; it was more of a statement.

“Sophia, I don’t think the doctor would approve of you riding a motorcycle.” Hell, I wouldn’t let her on my motorcycle even if the doctor gave her the okay. It’s too dangerous for them, Sophia and the baby.

“I don’t want to ride it. I just don’t like them, one of those has caused me so much heartache and pain.”

“I know. I’m so sorry for what happened to Will. I have a confession, after that day that you came to me upset about the offer of Will’s company I searched William Collins and the story of the accident was the first thing that popped up. I can’t even imagine what you went through.” I don’t want today to be a day of sorrow and pain, I want today to be a glimpse our future. “Baby, let’s get you coffee and breakfast, okay?” I’m trying desperately to distract her mind. She nods in agreement and we head out to the café.

“I’m counting on you to keep your promise.”

“My promise?” I question, not sure what she’s talking about.

“Yes, that you will be never leave me. I don’t think I can bear you leaving me, too.” Sadness laces every word.

“I promise, I’ll always be here for you, with you.” I reach out to take hold of her hand; I bring it up to my lips and place a kiss on the back of her hand.

“That includes doing everything in your power to ensure a future. Not only with me and the baby but here in this world. Matias, my heart won’t be able to bear it.” The rawness in her sincerity makes me realize that this isn’t just about me, it’s about us. All three of us. “Death is a thief, not only robbing you of your life but robbing the love ones you leave behind of your presence and taking everything that makes life beautiful.” Her words are powerful, real, and a reminder that she’s experienced the remnants of death.

“I promise you, Sophia. I will fight death with all I have if it ever attempts to rob my life.” The realm of loss extends far more than just death; it’s the bereavement of a soulmate that not even a lifetime of happiness can restore. I understand that now. I feel it in my soul.

With that last thought in my head, I know what I have to do. And it’s what I want to do, for her, for me, for us. For our future.

We arrive at the café; the morning dew is still settling, leaving the pavement a shade darker. We walk to door but before we walk in, I place a soft kiss on her lips just to let her know I love her. The hostess is leading the way to our table but before we even get seated Sophia is already ordering her coffee. A smile breaks across my face as I walk behind her to be seated at the booth and recall her words of her telling me about her moodiness without a cup of Joe, so I’m glad that has already been ordered and I order a cup for myself while I’m at it.

We glance at our menus and when the waiter returns with our coffee, Sophia still hasn’t decided on what she wants to order. He waits a few seconds then Sophia looks up and orders almost all the breakfast items on the menu. When the waiter turns to look at me, I don’t even know what to order so I just ask for extra bacon knowing for sure Sophia can’t possibly eat all that food. He takes our menus and Sophia mouths, “I’m starving.”

“I only ordered bacon hoping you can share a pancake and some eggs,” I say, as the blush appears on her cheeks. I didn’t mean to embarrass her.

“I’m sorry, breakfast will be on me. I just didn’t know what I was craving and everything sounds so delicious that it made it hard for me to decide.”

“Sophia don’t be ridiculous, breakfast is my treat besides I’m hungry myself and I was almost tempted to order the same as you,” I tease as I prepare my coffee.

Breakfast was filling and satisfying. My pancakes were fluffier, my bacon crisper, and my coffee was grounded to perfection; everything just seems better when she’s around. It’s time to get the rest of our day started and determine our future for our professional career.

I wait for Sophia in the car while she uses the ladie’s room. The whole time we were in the café she must have gone a handful of times. I take the time to send out a quick text to a colleague who I know is very interested in my motorcycle. Before Sophia even gets to the car, I get a reply from Dave. Perfect. This is perfect. I shoot off the last message to him before we drive out to destination dreamland, where I’m hoping my dreams will come true.

My intentions are to walk Sophia through the project in hopes that she can envision the life she can bring to the old building. Driving into the parking lot, I can sense her uneasiness; I know it must be hard to go back to something that induces happy memories to sad ones. But I want her know that they don’t have to bring sadness, they can be happy memories.

We sit silently in the car. I unbuckle my seatbelt and turn toward her. The sadness in her eyes makes my chest hurt; the corner of her eyes are collecting the tears that have not yet given way but are on the verge of spilling over. She looks down as I place my hand in hers and the tears begin to spill down her cheeks. I quickly wipe them away with my thumbs and cradle her face in my palms. She looks up at me with sad stricken eyes. “I can’t do this.” Her sweet tone entwined with sadness.

“Baby, I completing understand if you feel you aren’t ready. The last thing I would want to do is compromise the progress you have made to heal your heart.”

“I know,” she takes a deep breath. “I’m ready. This is another step I need to take in order to be able to restore my life. There’s no one else I’d rather do this with than you.” She leans in and places her soft, sweet syrup-tasting lips on mine.

She pulls away and takes out her phone. “I’m ready,” she reiterates. She gets out of the car and evaluates the exterior. I grab hard hats from the back seat and hand one to her.

She places the hard hat on and I give her a wink and sly smile. “Sexy.” She really is turning me on.

“Matias, that’s not very professional,” she says, hitting my arm.

“I know, but you haven’t decided yet if you are going to accept the job so until then the only title you hold is my baby momma, for now.” She laughs at my playfulness. “And baby don’t let me remind you of how that happened.” I step closer to her and place a kiss on her neck.

“Matias, stop. Don’t make me regret getting out of the car.” The seriousness in tone warns me to stop; I put my hands up in surrender. But damn, If she only knew how turned on I am.

I give her the tour of the building, stopping in each room to inform Sophia of what my client had in mind. She quietly took notes and snapped photos. The playfulness that was has now diminished and seriousness has taken its place. It took us a little more than a couple of hours to get through the entire building. We finally step out into the midday sunlight and stare back at the building we exited.

“It’s a beautiful building. I love that it still has the original exposed brick on some of the interior walls with mixture of the industrial fixtures and windows. Age is what makes this building beautiful. I hope your client sees that.”

“Help them see it. I know you could bring this building to life just the way you bring color to everything in your path.” She looks off in wonder.

“I do miss this…I don’t think there’s going to be a better time to do this than now and I already have so many ideas.” She pauses and I see her contemplating with her thoughts. “Yes, I accept the job.” She looks at me and a smile breaks across her face.

Right there in the middle of the driveway, under the rays of the sun, next to the old tree I seize another piece of her heart.

“Sophia Collins, for Dr. Duarte,” I say as I come upon the front desk, giving the receptionist my insurance card.

“Yes, Mrs. Collins, the doctor will be with you in a moment. Can you please take a seat?” the receptionist asks as she motions to the waiting room.

I walk to the waiting area, sitting down on one of the sofas to wait for my appointment. I recognize that it can be conflict of interest since I know Nicholas in more personal level, but I don’t want to change doctors. It has taken me a long time to feel normal with a doctor. As I wait, I take the time to look at the waiting room, never seeing it before with a decorating eye. Now that I feel happy my decorating sense has been triggered, all I can see is how to improve any room I am in. And by the looks of it, I think I am going to have to get after Nicholas. This room is depressing, which doesn’t help for the patients that have to wait here to be seen. I think they are depressed enough.

“Sophia.” I look toward the voice and get up as I see Nicholas, waiting for me.

“Hi, Nic… Dr. Duarte,” I say as I join him at the door leading to his office.

“Hi. How are you today?” he asks as soon as he closes his door.

“Good. By the way your waiting area is dreadful. Why had I not seen it before? It is so depressing. I think I can give you some pointers later. Free of charge of course,” I say with a smile. I take a seat on his couch. A couch that has been witness all my tears and my silence. I lay a hand the armrest, rubbing it like I can comfort the sorrow that has been left behind. And for once I smile because I can leave my happiness on it for the first time in months.

“Glad to hear it. I can see the glow of your happiness on your face Sophia. Is anything or anyone the cause for it?” he asks, but his face doesn’t mirror mine. That starts to make me a bit anxious. I reply anyway truthfully.

“I would say both. The fact that I am going to become a mother brings me a peace in my heart that I didn’t know I was searching for. After Will died I didn’t think I could ever go on without him. That I could never love another human being as much as I loved him. But I was wrong, I know I haven’t met my baby yet but I love her. I love her more than anything and anyone.” I lay a hand on my belly, rubbing it. “And the fact that I have a good man by my side helps. He has helped me so much during the last couple of months. Even today he has asked me to help him on a project and for the first time I am seeing colors and patterns. The artist in me has awakened and that is thanks to your brother,” I reply almost giddy.

“I thought it was to soon to know the gender of the baby.” That’s the only thing he comments on.

“Well, your brother insists its going to be a girl. So, we are going with that. Until we know for sure.”

“Tell me, did anything else that happen this week?” His eyes are looking me right at me, making me nervous.

“Yes, I went over to see William’s mother and nanny. I had to talk to them about the pregnancy and let them know what was happening with me. Out of respect.” I looked at Nicholas, as he writes everything down.

“How did that make you feel? What was their reaction to your news?” he asked finally looking up from his note pad. For a moment, it feels like I am looking at Matias when he looks up from his drawing board. But they are nothing alike. Where Matias’ features are more refined, stronger, harder, Nicholas is softer. I don’t know if it’s because of his profession but I can’t help but feel embraced by his presence. You just want to tell him everything. But when he is being stern, you feel like I am twelve in the principal’s office.

“I was very nervous. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to speak with them. But as soon as I got there and saw Marthita, Will’s nanny and Amelia, I felt like I was still part of the family. It was like word vomit as soon as we were done hugging each other. William’s father wasn’t there; he was at the office. I could see how heartbroken they still are. William was an only child, and when they might be a bit sad about not being able to have any grandchildren, and the fact that I am now expecting without Will was heartbreaking. I could see it in her eyes, even when Amelia congratulated me. She is going to need some space and time, I think. I want to bring the subject with Matias about them being part of our baby’s life. Like a third set of grandparents. Do you think he would agree to that? Would it be too weird?” I ask. He knows Matias a lot more than I do.

“I think you would be better at answering that, don’t you think? I mean your relationship has been a lot closer in the last couple of months. Besides you both are the only ones that can make that kind of decisions regarding your family,” he says. I don’t know but I get the feeling he is not on board with mine and Matias’ relationship. I thought he would be ecstatic as my doctor that I am moving on.

“Dr. Duarte, Nicholas, is there something you want to say?” I ask.

“Matias is a great man; he is in his late twenties, architect, handsome, loves his family, and drives a motorcycle. That has led me to believe that maybe that he is exactly like a carbon copy of William. Isn’t he?”

What? I mean I know the thought has crossed my mind, but I would never…

“I believe that what you feel for Matias is just a spillover from your feelings for William. You are projecting your feelings to someone that strongly resembles the one you lost. I am sorry if this sensitive subject for you, but we need to address it before anyone gets hurts.” First his mother and now his brother.

“Anyone or Matias, Dr. Duarte?” I say, with anger lacing my voice. How could I have been so stupid to believe that I could continue having a professional relationship with the brother of my lover? I get up to pace the office. I can feel the walls going up. “Yes, at the beginning I wished that Matias was Will, but don’t underestimate your brother, he made his room in my heart with his persistent and caring nature. And I know your worries, they are your mother’s too after all. I know this is moving fast, our relationship, but I think that was going to be the only way I would have moved on. I don’t think I would have started dating on my own ever,” I say stopping to look at him. He knows I’m right.

“I was actually talking about all of you, Sophia. As you doctor I have to safeguard your wellbeing before anything else. You were in a very deep depression a few months ago, followed by your heavy drinking. I am worried that you are coming to realize that maybe there are some truths to my concerns and this might start a chain of events that maybe I won’t be able to help you with.” Oh. “You are becoming a family pretty soon and that will be a big change. Do you not know what this would do to my family if you one day you decide to wake up and not want to be a part of my brother’s life? I just don’t want for your mixed emotions to have a negative impact on our lives.”

“You are sounding more like a worried brother than a doctor, Nicholas.” I know what I am feeling. I have come a long way from the girl I used to be. And on that note I leave his office. I walk right out, not even bothering to reschedule. I won’t be back. Doesn’t he know what he just did? He just made me wonder again. After I felt so sure about my feelings. I have fallen in love with Matias.

I WENT HOME, but I couldn’t get Nicholas words out of my head. I know they are stupid words. Crazy coincidence. Maybe I have a type, sexy architects that like to ride motorcycles. I never connected the dots before. I’m sitting in the couch lost in thought drinking some tea to help with my nausea when I hear the clacking of keys as they open the front door.

“Hey, big momma,” Katia says as she walks in.

“Hey, you,” I reply.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“Nothing.”

“Really.”

“Yes.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

“You do know that I don’t believe you, right? All these one word answers are not going to fly with me, sister,” she says as she goes back to her room and changes into comfortable clothes. She is back in two seconds. “So, spill,” she says as she bounces on the couch. She stares at me without blinking. She knows that I hate that. Because it makes me feel weird and I can’t ignore her. One of her eyebrows arches.

“I had an appointment with Nicholas today. And he told me that he thinks that…” I can’t bring the words forward, because maybe she will agree too.

“What did Dr. Hot-quack say?” she asks with a smile.

“Stop it.”

“What? Stop stalling. Out with it.”

“He thinks that William and Matias are exactly the same. That my feelings for Matias are probably not real. That I am projecting my feelings for Will on Matias.

“Well that’s a bunch of bull. They are like totally different.”

“Yeah totally.” I am glad that she agrees with me.

“Sophia, this will never be easier. Your relationship might mirror your past one, but that’s because you are still you. And the way you project your love for someone still the same. And yes, maybe Matias and Will are in the same professional field, but that’s doesn’t mean anything. Shit, I have a thing for police officers. We all have our type. And besides Matias is freaking hot. Your Dr. Quack is crazy. He is not hot anymore. Don’t listen to him. Don’t let him get into your head like that,” she says as she looks at me. She squeezes my hand, reassuring me that she has my back.

“Agh. I hate that he can,” I say as I get up and go to the kitchen.

“Get rid of those thoughts before you see Matias tonight, because he will know that something is bothering you and he will not stop until you tell him. And that could create problems with Matias and Nicholas. They are family after all.”

“You are right. I love Matias. And I can’t second guess myself. I need to take charge of my life again,” I say with conviction.

“You what! I didn’t hear anything after that you love Matias. How? When? Why am I just finding out about this?” she asks coming to stand next to

“I just did and he doesn’t know yet. So…” I get in before she hugs me.

“I’m so excited for you both. Honey, you deserve this. More than anything. And stop worrying about everything; we don’t know what the future holds or what God has planned for us. So just take it a day at a time.” I don’t know what I would do without Katia in my life. I smile at her before giving her a hug.

“You know in a couple of months we might not be able to hug like this since my belly will be in the way,” I say as the doorbell rings.

“I wonder who that might be,” she says with a huge smile on her face, walking toward the door, well more like shimmying toward the door. I laugh as she opens the door. Matias comes in, his eyes lighting up as he sees me.

“I don’t think you could get any more beautiful baby, but then you smile like that and I lose my breath with your beauty,” he says, as he gets closer to me, placing kisses on my lips and hugging me.

“Swoon. You guys are too cute,” Katia jokes. “Peace, I’m out. I will be in my room with a pint of ice cream, feeling so jealous of my roomie and her hot baby daddy.” Katia leave us alone, but not before grabbing her ice cream.

We both watch her leave as Matias moves us to the dining room table. As he sits on the chair, he places me on his lap and hugs me tightly.

“So how was your session today?” Matias asks, going for the kill I see.

“Good. You know Dr. Duarte he just talks and talks,” I joke.

“Yeah he does, he is so full of himself,” he jokes back.

“We talked about my visit to see William’s parents and how I feel about us.”

“So, you talked about me? About how sexy I am?” he continues to be humorous.

“Yes, that’s exactly what we talk about. About this guy that knocked me up, but it seems that he is as full of himself as his brother.”

“Ha. She has jokes today. I am glad. I love seeing you smile and laugh. I hope that’s all I see from now on,” he says in a serious tone.

“Well I am happy.” I know I can go on and on about everything that has happened in the last eighteen months, but I am tired of hurting, of grieving. I don’t know if my heart can take anymore heartbreak. I just need to start living again now that I found peace. Being in his arms, I feel safe and loved. We are lucky in life when we fall in love once but twice, that in itself is miraculous.

I can’t sleep, everything that happen this week still replays in my mind. I love William with all my heart until the day I die. But my heart made room for another. I love him. I could never compare the two and I will never do. They are both part of my story. I walk to the window; seeing the stars has always calmed me. To think that William is part of them now makes me feel that calmness so much more.

I feel his arms go around me, and a warm tingle spreads through my body.

“Can’t sleep? Is the baby giving you trouble?” he asks, kissing my head and rubbing my belly.

“No. I just felt restless.” I close my eyes, losing myself in his love. “I want to ask you something Matias,” I say turning in his arms. He looks at me waiting. “I want to know if it is okay with you for Will’s parents to be a part of our baby’s life. You see Will was an only…”

“Shh… Babe you don’t need to ask. I know how much they are a part of your life. It would be reasonable that you want to share your life with them.”

“God, how I fucking love you,” I say, stunning him to silence. I grab his face, kissing him with the all the love I have for him. He kiss me back just as fierce. He carries me back to bed where we continue to express the love we have for each other.

She’s only said it once since that night and that’s all it took to be etched in my heart. Those sweet, beautiful words made the fire burn more ferociously and on that night I became the owner of her heart. My heart knew it was waiting for my soul to fall in love with someone like her; God had mysterious ways of bringing us together. Her circumstance isn’t the best. She had to learn how to find her life after death but overall, she’s found it.

I stare at her nakedness, her belly is protruding far beyond her toes and it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She turns to look at me as I stand staring at her. “What?” she says.

“You look beautiful, baby.” She continues to dry herself off.

She has taken up residence in my bed every night for the last couple of months. Slowly, her presence became known throughout the apartment and even though we never discussed moving in together, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

“I’ll get your coffee, is oatmeal good for breakfast?” I ask. I am always ready before she is, we’ve been going to work together and I usually have her breakfast ready before we head out.

“Actually, I’m craving the chocolate cake from last night.”

“For breakfast?” I question.

“Hmmm, yes. Oh and with some bacon.” She gives me a wry smile.

“Bacon?”

“Yes, it’s the perfect combination. Sweet and salty.”

“Got it, chocolate cake and bacon, coming up.”

“Don’t forget my coffee!” she yells as I walk away.

I prepare her coffee and I know just how she likes it, creamy and sweet. Her bacon is extra crispy, but not burnt and her chocolate cake has an extra scoop of frosting on the edges because she loves it. As I set all her things on the table, I realize that this is how our forever can be. I don’t know if she is ready to accept it, and I know that we are slowly moving there but I don’t want to move to fast an eventually being the end of our forever if she is not ready. I want to be able to her talk about this. I want to be able to express to her how I feel about eventually getting married. She is now my best friend; I hadn’t realized that until now, but she is. Other than Nicolas, she the only other person I can express my feeling with, vent with, be sad with, and cry.

“Baby, breakfast is ready,” I go in to tell her as she leans onto the bathroom counter trying to apply her makeup.

“This is getting harder and harder,” she says.

“I can only imagine what it’s like to carry another little human inside there. It must be exhausting,” I say, she turns to face me and nods as I place my hand her belly and kiss her cheek.

Once she is ready, we eat breakfast and start our day, together. She leaves to make decisions regarding the decorations of the project.

WORK WAS UNEVENTFUL; this has been the biggest project Sophia has taken on since the passing of her husband and she is doing a great job handling the pressure. The day is ending and I am going to run to the site to make sure everything is going as planned when there’s a knock on my door. It’s Sophia.

“Hey you, are you busy?” she asks softly as she walks in my office.

“Never for you, baby. What’s on your mind?” I get up from my chair and move toward her.

“I’m actually here to talk business.”

“Am I not paying you enough, amor?” I can’t even recall the salary we agreed on, figures are running through my head.

“It has nothing to do with money.” I give her a puzzled look. “It’s actually about Will’s company. Are you still willing to bargain on it?”

“Of course, I am. He has many of good projects still pending. I had a sit down with one of his project managers, Sophia, and for what it’s worth it was never my intention to gain anything from sleeping with you.” I know that was her initial thought but I had no clue Will was her late husband.

“I know that now, I’m sorry for ever thinking you would ever be so heartless. Seeing now how committed you are to your work and your passion, made me realize that you would love the company just as much as Will did.”

“Sophia, I approached the company for one reason and one reason only and that was to help. I knew the owner had passed suddenly and I knew that there were unfinished projects. When people are in the same line of business they talk and I just wanted to help; sure I would’ve benefited from it but I would have never left the family high and dry. You just never gave me the opportunity to justify what my intentions were and I saw how upset it made you so I never bothered to bring up it again.” The conviction in her eyes makes me regret my confession.

“You’re right. I came that day and unleashed the ugliness that I thought you were but I was wrong. God, I was so wrong. Forgive me for thinking that you could ever be that heartless person. Forgive me for ever thinking you would ever use me in that way.” She walks toward me and places her arms around my neck. Her belly presses against me.

“You don’t even have to ask.” I hold her tight against me and kiss the top of her head. “I need to go out to the site to go over a few things. Ride with me and we can discuss this further.” She nods and slowly pulls away from my hold.

“Can we discuss it over dinner?”

“Yes, of course, anywhere you’d like.” Because I would do anything to please her and keep her happy.

“I knew you’d say that.” She gives me a devious smile and heads out the door.

Two hours and forty-five minutes later, we are finally heading to dinner. There is nothing more nerve wracking than getting your pregnant girlfriend to dinner. I would hate to have her go starving. She chose our café down the street. I was kind of hoping for tacos but the café is always a good pick.

There are two topics on tonight’s agenda I want to tackle and I hoping I have the courage to get through it. Since there’s no cerveza to give me that liquid courage so I’m going to have to ride this solo. I can already feel the knots and the clammy hands.

The waitress comes by and takes our order. Sophia is hungry and orders a variety of food and asks the waitress for a breakfast item, a pancake. I’m so nervous I just order a bacon cheeseburger and fries.

“Ok, baby, lets get down to business.” I rest my elbows on the table and give her my most serious tone I can possible muster without laughing. “What is this going to cost me?”

She sits up a little straighter and rests her elbows on the table mimicking my movement. “What can you offer me, Mr. Durate?” she says zeroing in.

“What I have to offer is priceless, Mrs. Collins.” I say matter-of-factly.

“What exactly are you offering me, Mr. Duarte?” she asks quizzically.

“Everything I am.”

“Matias, what are you saying?” She moves back toward the chair, her body stiffening as I reach across the table to take hold of her hand. The blush on her face turning pale, the small smile on her face gone, and life in her eyes stolen by the words that were last spoken.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it, I didn’t want life just to pass us by and us continuing to live the way we are living-”

“The way we are living,” she firmly states. She sits a little straighter in the chair and leans in resting her elbows on the table. “What do you mean, Matias?” She says my name as if it’s dirt in her mouth.

“Nothing. Nothing.” I didn’t mean want to upset her but somehow that’s exactly what I did. This is going in the complete opposite direction than the way I’d had hoped.

“What did you mean by it?” she asks again. The need for my explanation is apparent; I need to choose my words carefully.

“Sophia, all I’m trying to say is that I don’t want the years to go by the way the last couple of months have, like we kind of just came together. I want you to want to be with me the way I want to be with you, as a husband and wife. If you love me, how can you not want to be with me? If you love me, how can you not want me there with you, forever.”

The food arrives before she has a chance to respond the waitress asks us if there’s anything else she can get for us and then leaves us to the uncomfortableness of the silence that has fallen between us. She doesn’t respond to what she’s thinking and I don’t ask her to. Instead I opt for the quietness as we eat even though my appetite has long since gone and I fear my future has accompanied it.

We eat.

I pay.

We leave.

Home is only a short ride from the café but the apartment feels like its miles away and so does she. I hate that her distance is growing by only a few words I spoke at dinner. I opened the door for the apartment and saw the hesitation.

“Sophia?” She takes a moment before she walks in, but she walks in. I sigh deeply and walk in behind her. She takes a seat on the couch. I take a seat next to her.

“I never meant for us to come together, we just did. What you’re asking me for is something I don’t think I’m ready for. Am I scared? Yes.”

“Amor-”

“Let me finish. I’m afraid that Will’s memory will slowly fade if I marry another man. I’m afraid of love, I’m afraid of death, I’m just afraid.” Tears stain her cheeks as her last word is spoken. I try to wipe them away but they are coming faster than I can anticipate.

“Sophia, no matter what you do, Will will always be with you. Don’t let fear influence your decisions. Let your heart speak its truth. If right now you don’t feel ready, okay, then you’re not ready. I’m not going to rush you, but I’m not going to lie and say I’m not disappointed. I am but I understand.” She nods and leans into me, placing a kiss on my lips. I quickly sit up a little straighter and deepen the kiss, dipping my tongue into her mouth.

“Mmm, you taste like syrup,” I tease, trying to lighten the mood a little.

She moves, straddling me on the couch and making my jeans tighten as she rocks her hips. I quickly remove her shirt and kiss her down her neck. I remove her bra, taking each breast into my palms and massaging them as I kiss them and pay close attention to her supple nipples. A small moan escapes and the warmth between her thighs becomes more intense causing her to dig her hips deeper. Her belly is making it a tad bit harder than before to lean down to kiss me so she tires but honestly right now more than anything I want to be inside her rather than kissing her. I roll my thumb and index finger between her nipple pulling just ever so slightly causing her to throw her head back and yelp. I didn’t think I could get any harder but I was wrong; it’s so hard it’s painful. I quickly get her to stand and slip down her pants. Good thing they have elastic. I stand and unbutton my fly so fast, not bothering to kick them off. I sit back down and she eases herself on me. She digs her hips into me using my shoulders stability as she gains momentum rocking herself. I match her rhythm and it doesn’t take long before both of us are feel the fire in our core consuming us from head to toe and our bodies lying limply against each other as we come back to our senses.

“You’re amazing.” I kiss her forehead sweat and all.

“I know.” She smiles sleepily.

I kick off my pants and stand up taking Sophia in my arms. “What are you doing?” she yells.

“Taking you to the shower before you fall asleep on the couch.”

“I might get used to this, you know, you carrying me to the shower, you carrying me to bed. Pretty soon I’m going to be so big I won’t want to walk anywhere and you won’t be able to carry me.”

“I’ll always be able to carry you, no matter what,” I say it as a promise.

We shower together and I get out before she does. I gather our abandoned clothes from the living room and my phone just happens to slip out from my jeans. I have three missed messages from Sam. I quickly glance at them.

Sam: Interested in the motorcycle!
Sam: Are you still selling?
Sam: Is the no response, a no? Come on man, it took me this long to convince the wife.

It’s late but without a doubt I want to sell the motorcycle. I am going to be a father soon and hope to be a husband, the last thing I want is to have Sophia worrying if I’ll be making it home.

Me: Meet me tomorrow morning at 7 at the work site.
Sam: That early?
Me: Yeah, before the jobs starts.
Sam: Damn, that’s early!
Me: Do you want it or not?
Sam: I’ll be there at 6:45 am!

Lying next to her and watching her sleep made me realize that I might have lost her today. The inflection that it could’ve caused would have changed my life forever. How can one’s soul bear to lose it’s mate? It seems unfathomable almost as if that would be unrealistic. She snuggles closer into me, my arm immediately wraps around her and I take in her lavender scent, which drifts me off into a state of slumber.

The sound of the alarm startles me awake, it’s early. Too damn early; and as much as I want to stay in bed I force myself out and into the shower since I told Sam I’d meet him. I dress and leave a note for Sophia.

If you wake before I’m home read me:

Amor,

Your coffee is ready just pop a k-cup and press brew. I’m bringing you breakfast (everything on the menu) I just had to run a quick errand this morning.

Love you!

I grab my helmet and quietly leave.

It’s still dark out when I leave the apartment; it won’t take long once Sam test rides this beauty he’s going to be begging to buy it. But I know it’s only right to have him ride it to make sure he gets what he’s paying for. Sam’s leaning against his truck as I approach the job site, I can already see my bike has a new owner before I even come to a stop.

“No, fucking way! I can’t believe you’re really selling!” Sam says excitedly.

“Yeah, there’s more important things I need right now and a bike isn’t one of them.”

“Like what?” he questions circling the bike running his fingers over the leather seat.

“Life.”

“Man, you can enjoy life with a bike,” he states. “It gives you an excuse to escape the wife for a while.”

“It can also take your life.”

“Yeah, I know. I hadn’t really thought of that.” He slaps my shoulder. “But hey, if it’s your time, it’s your time, or at least now it’ll be my time. Hand over the keys, I’m going to take this baby for a spin.” I toss the keys at him and give him a mini crash course just so he can test-drive it around the block. He starts it up and almost runs me over as he tries to take off.

I silently say a little prayer and hope he doesn’t kill himself going around the corner. I lean back against his truck and wait for his return. I hear the roar of the motorcycle approaching as he’s coming in fast toward the truck. I try to move away and see the headlight coming in my direction. The sound of the metal clashing and the engine roaring accompanies the loud ringing in my ears. I can feel warm liquid running down my face into my mouth. It’s blood! I can’t move. Shit! Sophia! The heaviness of my chest is becoming unbearable and I can’t breathe. No, No, No. I promised. It fucking hurts. My eyes are getting heavier by the second and I can feel the pool of blood beneath me.

“Sam.” It’s barely audible. “Sam,” I try again but it comes out sounding like a whisper.

I fight the tiredness I’m feeling and force my eyes open. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe but I just keep seeing Sophia in my mind and her beautiful belly that holds my baby. My eyes close and I jolt myself awake. Please God, don’t let me die, I can’t leave them. Please don’t do this to her, she wont be able to bare it. Please. I fight to stay but I fear my body no longer can so I submit to death robbing me of my last breath.

I wake, stretching out like a cat. I roll over, sensing Matias is not in the bed with me. Grabbing his pillow, I inhale his smell. I feel a piece of paper fall on to my arm. I will get in a moment. But even before I open my eyes my tummy rumbles. God I’m always hungry.

“Aye voy, mi mariposa,” I say as I rub my belly, I grab the note. And read it.

If you wake before I’m home read me:

Amor,

Your coffee is ready just pop a k-cup and press brew. I’m bringing you breakfast (everything on the menu) I just had to run a quick errand this morning.

Love you!

“Guess is just you and me, butterfly baby until daddy gets home with breakfast.” Getting up, I go to use the restroom and wash my face grabbing one of Matias’ shirts before walking towards the kitchen. Pretty soon, they will not fit me at all; as it is, fits me very snug, barely covering my butt.

“I hope you meet a guy as sweet and handsome as your daddy when you are like thirty, not sooner okay.” I pat my belly. Seems weird that I always do that now, talk to her as if she can hear me. Grabbing the coffee mug I turn to the island, I feel the mug slip from my fingers as a pain comes to my chest, blocking my oxygen. I can’t breathe I grab my chest gasping for air, and just like it started it stops leaving me shaken and scared.

What the fuck was that?

I look at the mess on the floor from the spilled coffee, and I grab the mop, my hands still shaking. I clean up and go to the bedroom grabbing my phone. I call my doctor for an appointment. I need to make sure the baby is okay, that I’m okay. After I hang up I try Matias number; it rings and rings, until his voice mail comes on. He probably is inside a building or something. That would happen to William all the time. I leave him a quick message to meet me at the doctor’s office.

I go to my apartment to get ready. Even though I have a lot of my stuff at Matias’, I still have my clothes at my apartment. He does not have a big enough closet Katia must already be at work, because the apartment is too quiet. I take a hot bath to see if that would calm my nerves. Toweling down I hear the front door open and close.

“Sophia!” Katia calls out. “Wait here, I will get her.” There’s something strange in her voice.

“Coming! I’m in the shower,” I yell back. Katia should be at school at this time. I wonder if something happened. I hope she didn’t get fired. I rush to get ready.

“Okay,” I hear her respond as I brush my hair and do a quick fishtail braid.

Walking into the living room, I see that Nicolas and Katia both quiet, lost in their own thought.

“Hey,” I say to both of them. Nicholas stands, as does Katia. Her eyes have this sad compassionate look about them. They are filled with unshed tears.

The emotion I feel entering my body is something I have felt before.

Dread. I know they are going to say something I don’t want to hear.

“Sophia… I have some news that might upset you,” Nicolas says as Katia rushes to me, grabbing my hand and leading me to the sofa. “Sophia there has been an accident. Matias…” And just like that everything goes silent again. There are no flutters this time, only stillness. I can see Nicholas’ mouth moving but I can’t hear a word. I can feel the walls closing in. The pieces of my heart that were mending crumbling again. God, I can’t handle this again.

“Sophia, Matias is alive. Sophia can you hear me?” Katia ask as she looks at me. “Well aren’t you an insensitive prick! You should have started with stating that he is okay,” Katia angrily tells Nicholas over her shoulder. “You being her doctor, you should know that.”

“What do you mean?” I squeak to Katia, she squeezes my hand.

“That’s what I have been telling you I went to see Matias before I came here, so you wouldn’t think the worst. I wanted to have answers, being that you are pregnant I didn’t want to risk anything happening to you or the baby. Also with your history, I didn’t want to give you unnecessary worry. Besides my brother would have my head if I upset you in any way.” Katia looks at him with a pointed stare. Too late.

“Where is he? What happened?” I get up, start pacing, because all I want to do is run out of this apartment, and go to the hospital. But at the same time, I’m scared. Scared as to what I would find once I get there. I start rubbing my stomach; I can feel the baby moving. That springs me into action. I can’t be a coward, I need to be by his side at this time. “You know what, just fucking tell me on the way. I need to see him.” I walk out of the apartment, not bothering to wait for them.

“Sophia, wait up. You have to be careful.” I slow my pace even when I don’t want to. She is right the baby has to be my priority, but so is Matias. He came into my life in my darkest times and still stayed around. He has shown me how to live and love again, just as strongly as before. That it’s not wrong to have someone else in your heart and still love someone as madly and deeply.

Nicholas opens his car and we get in. He doesn’t start talking until we are on the road.

“He met up with Sam to sell the motorcycle this morning. According to Sam, he did a test run and he couldn’t stop the motorcycle, he ran into Matias. Matias tried jumping out of the way, but he fell hard on the pavement. There will be some bruising and he has some broken ribs. Thankfully they didn’t puncture a lung when the ribs broke. But when he fell, he fell on the pavement, banging his head hard on the concrete and fell unconscious. Sophia, he hasn’t woken up yet.”

I gasp. A sob breaks from my lips, hugging my belly, trying to protect my daughter from the heartache that is coming. I’m sorry princess, I will be strong for you. I feel her kick me like she understands.

“What the fuck, what part of easing her towards what happen you didn’t understand? With her condition something can happen to the baby.”

“Sorry, I’m usually the calm one. But all this has me not thinking before I speak. I’m sorry, Sophia,” he says.

“It’s okay; I know how hard this is for you too. What has doctor told you?”

“The Dr. Fender is optimistic. In a way, Matias being in coma is a good thing since it can give his body time to heal. But they don’t know the extent of the injury until he wakes up.”

God if you are listening, please hear my prayers. I know I forgot about you, but I can’t lose him. I need him. Our baby needs him. Please let him get better. The tears have not stop coming. And I know they won’t stop until I see him awake and smiling

“How about your parents, do they know?” I had not thought about them at all.

“They are with him now, as is Sam. I called them as soon as the hospital contacted me, as I am next of kin. Once the doctor came to talk to us, I went straight to your home to get you. I called Katia on the way to meet me there just incase you were still asleep or” I know what he doesn’t say, just incase I had a total freak out. Which I might still have, once I see Matias.

He parks at the hospital and we check in, going to the elevator for the ICU floor. As soon as the doors open, I feel frozen to the floor. I can’t walk out. I just can’t.

“Sophia, I am here for you, everything will be okay. Matias is waiting to hear your voice. All you have to do is to breathe,” Katia tells me, standing in front of me. “Deep breaths,” she demonstrates and I mimic each deep breath and before I know it we are standing outside his room door.

“I’m scared.”

“I know you are babe, but he is still here, healing to come home to you and your baby. You have to be strong for both of you now. Just pull up your big girl panties and walk in there. I think all he needs is to feel you, Sophia,” she says, squeezing me in a hug and sending me on my way.

I have to be strong for Matias, and what lies ahead. All I have to concentrate right now is in today.

And today he is breathing.

Here it goes. I turn to go into the room; Nicholas stops me.

“Sorry, Sophia I have not been the support that you need right now, being your doctor I have to take care of you first and I was just thinking about me. Remember he is in a coma so he might look worse than he really is. He has tubes coming out his mouth and he is hooked up to different monitors. Don’t be scared or worried, everything in there is to help him.”

“Okay,” I mumble.

“We will be in the waiting area while you visit with him. Take your time. They are allowing you to stay in there longer, because of your condition and his. But starting tomorrow we are only allowed a few minutes during their schedule time,” he explains.

I walk inside the room, tears still streaming down my face. All I see is tubes in his mouth, different IV’s on his arms; he is bare from his chest up. I can see the bindings for the ribs and he has electronic monitors around his heart, which are hooked to another machine. He is surrounded by machines. I take tentative steps to his bed. I touch his hand, and it is warm, that gives me the calm I need to stop my tears.

He looks so still. I touch all of him, running my hands over his heart looking for his heartbeat. I lean down, kissing his warm lips.

“You have to wake up baby. We need you. I need you. Is this because I freaked out about getting married? You didn’t have to be so dramatic,” I tried to joke. “I love you more than I ever thought possible. You have given me hope for the future. And I promise, yes I promise you that we will be a family. Just wake up. You can’t do this to me, to us. You have to wake up. You can’t leave me here too.” Touching and kissing his face, I make the promise over and over. Grabbing his hand, I lay my head over his heart and start praying.

Praying for him to wake up.

Praying for him to not give up.

Praying for him to not be in pain.

Just praying for him and us.

I don’t know how long I prayed, I don’t stop until I feel I hand on my shoulders.

“Sophia, you need to rest. Come with me, let’s go to the waiting area,” Matias’ mother tells me.

“My son would not like it if you tire yourself out.” I reluctantly let go of Matias, kissing him on his pale, warm lips. My head is pounding and I realize that I never did get breakfast. And just as I finish that thought my tummy rumbles with hunger.

“Sorry,” I tell Matias mom. “With everything I didn’t eat breakfast. Matias was bringing it this morning.” A sob breaks through. She hugs me to her. “I’m sorry, I know that you must be so worried, too. It’s just…”

“Yo se, mija. I know.” She rubs my back consoling me. Her hug tightens around me. We walk out of the room and I hate leaving him alone. He needs to know that I am there, next to him. That he is not alone.

“I don’t want him to be alone.”

“I will come back in and sit with him, while you get some rest and lunch.”

“Ok.” We enter the waiting area and Katia comes to toward me.

“How is he?” Katia asks.

“He is breathing, he is warm, and his heart is beating. He is alive. And I am grateful for that,” I tell her. I feel once again like a boat without its compass, just floating in the water with no destination, lost in the sea of emotions.

“Katia, can you take Sophia to get some lunch and rest? She can come later this afternoon.” Mrs. Duarte tells Katia.

“Of course, come on Sophia we need to feed your little butterfly.”

“Call me if he… If there are any changes,” I say as I get ushered out of the waiting area.

“Of course,” Mrs. Durante says.

“Can you believe Nicolas is lending me his car? We can take it for a high speed drive, if you want.”

“I don’t think Nicolas would like for us to come out on the six o’clock news,” I warn her.

“Party pooper.” I know what she is doing, trying to take my mind off Matias. But it’s never going to work. But I won’t tell her. Sometimes it’s better for other people to think that you are okay when you are not, just because sometimes they don’t understand how to handle your heartache.

“So what do you want to eat? Mexican? Italian?” She goes on and on naming different cuisine, but nothing is appealing. I am actually not hungry, but I know the baby is.

“Your choice,” I say.

“What? It has not been my choice for the past seven months.” Again she continues to exaggerate about her never picking a place in that long. Well, it’s not my fault the baby had cravings so much that Matias always let me win when picking a place to eat. It was usually three against one.

“How about comfort food, some fried chicken, rice, and mashed potatoes?” That does sound good.

We go to a local diner that we frequent and order all of that and fried okra, which I love with lemon. Katia talks about work and just trivial things. Like baby names and if I want a baby shower or not. I just can’t help but keep remembering all the machines. The stillness of Matias’ body, just like William’s body, no movement. But with Matias I can hear his heartbeat and that is what is keeping me together and not having a full length meltdown like before. My phone rings as soon as we leave the restaurant.

“Hello,” I answer. Katia mouths, ‘home?’ asking if I want to head back to the apartment. I shake my head no. She knows where I need to be.

“Hola princessa,” I hear my parents answer in unison.

“Hola papi y mami,” I respond as I slide into the car.

“How are you doing? Mrs. Duarte called us and told us what happen with Matias. Do you need us to come down?” my mother asks. I know our relationship has been rocky, but I love my mother. Because no matter how I may act, she never accuses me of anything. She loves me.

“No mami. Estoy bien. Baby and I are doing okay. Just stay home, so when baby comes you guys can stay here longer.” I want them here when the baby arrives. I know nothing about babies, so I am relaying on our parents to teach us everything.

“You know if you need us, we will be there.” I know that, but right now I don’t want to need them. Having them here would be like I am giving up. That I need them to help me get through the pain of losing Matias.

“I know. Hopefully Matias wakes for our baby gender reveal next week. He will love to be there just to say ‘I told you so.’ But with me working on the project and Matias finishing with restoration, we had been too busy to do it before. I never thought that was going to be a possibility again.” I ramble.

“You ramble when you are worried, Sophia,” my mother is always quick to tell me.

“Dejala, Theresa. Princesa, we are glad that you are working and just living again. There were times when I was afraid that I lost my beautiful little girl too.” My father always the sentimental one, always playing the devil’s advocate.

“It’s okay papi, I am worried. But I have prayed and I have faith that everything will be okay. Bueno, I have to go; we have arrived at the hospital and I need to go up.”

“Hospital? Mrs. Duarte said you were going home to rest. Sophia Lee, go home, rest. You are only going to add to that poor family’s worry, if something happen to you or the baby,” my mother argued.

“Mami, if papi was in the hospital would you leave him alone?” I asked.

“No, I wouldn’t,” she responded as if I had offended her.

“Then don’t ask that of me. I can’t. I will take care, but for now I need to be with him.” I don’t want to be away more than necessary. It’s hard to think that I didn’t even know him a few months ago and now he is what keeps my world rotating.

“Okay, but please take care and calls us no matter time or day. Now that we have a cellular phone you can reach us anywhere.” I know mom.

“I will. Los amo, cuidense.”

“We will, bye baby.” They hang up.

I arrive at the floor and I walk toward the room, bypassing the waiting area; I know Nicholas is there and will make me go home. So I leave Katia to take care of that. Hey, what are friends for? I feel like I am walking the plank in a pirate ship as I walk the long hallway to his room. The room that will be known as my home away from home, but I don’t know that as I get to the room. His mom is there, talking to him about memories. I just stand there and listen. Rubbing my belly, feeling my baby move.

BETWEEN TEARS AND laughter, we continue to be by his side, never leaving him alone. Always talking to him and praying for him. Our gender reveal party was held at the hospital, since Matias had still not woken up. Days became weeks without his laughter or his voice. But hope was always present.

We were having a girl. Just like Matias always predicted. He is going to love that he called it.

“Are you staying or are you leaving already?” Nicholas asks; I know that he wants me home early since my due date is coming up quick.

“Staying. It is still early and I’m at a hospital if I need anything. I am in the safest place imaginable,” I say with a smile. The doctors say we have to give him time, when he is ready he will let us know. So that’s what we all have been doing just waiting and waiting.

“Okay, well take care. I will see you guys tomorrow. Matias don’t go anywhere.” He always says that when he leaves now. Like making sure Matias won’t leave this earth.

“Don’t worry, we are his anch…OW!” Pain as I have never felt pulses through my body.

“Sophia are you okay?” Nicolas rushes towards me as I cringe in pain, and then I feel water.

“I think my water just broke.” I look at Nicholas, stunned.

“So good thing we are at a hospital, right? Let me get a nurse.” He leaves the room calmly. Seriously. God, Matias you have to be here for this. You promised. I feel the pain travel around me once again. The contractions are too close together. I thought it should have last longer in between hits. Nicholas comes back with a nurse and a wheelchair. He gets my purse and starts for the door.

“No, stay with him. He can’t be alone,” I say in between breaths.

“Sophia, I cannot leave you alone.”

“I will just worry more if he is alone. I have a great doctor and the hospital has an awesome staff. I will be fine. Please Nicolas.” Reluctantly he accepts defeat and stays behind.

“I’ll call everyone,” he yells as we get on the elevator.

The next hours pass in a blur, Katia and Mrs. Duarte fuss all around me. Katia is taking video of every moment for Matias to see later. My mother has been calling every five minutes, forbidding me to have her first grandchild without her. She and dad are on their way. The contractions keep coming closer and closer. The doctor says the baby is ready to come out. All I can think about is Matias should be here, I need him here. I am rushed to the delivery room after the nurse checked how much I was dilated. And before I know it the doctor, Katia and Mrs. Duarte are all yelling at me to push. I can feel the tears running down my face. I am about to meet my baby girl. I hear a loud scream that turns into a beautiful song. My baby whimpers. And then happy tears run down everyone’s face.

The nurse places the baby by my side; the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

Our hope. Our beautiful butterfly.

I didn’t know at the time but I would learn later that in another floor, in another room, at the same time that our beautiful girl opened her baby green eyes, the matching pair were fluttering open once again.

I fight with myself to open my eyes as the heaviness fights to defeat me. I want to succumb to the darkness. I want to succumb to the numbness. I want to succumb to the stillness. But my mind, my heart, my soul can never rest knowing that I left Sophia. I yearn for her but I’m overpowered by the darkness and I’m overtaken by the numbness...

Alarms are sounding and the distant echo of voices is getting louder and louder. Pain. I feel pain and suddenly it’s dispersing throughout my body. My mouth is dry and it feels as if someone ran their nails down my throat, I start pulling at the wires trying to free myself. I hear Nicolas yelling at a nurse, as he bares his weight on my arms to keep me from yanking at the wires. Fear sets in. I look around the room trying to asses what’s going on. I’m freaking out. My stomach knots and I can’t figure what the hell is happening. The nurse keeps telling me to calm down, while Nicolas is hovering over the nurse telling me the same bullshit but all this is just making more me frantic. I realize that the only way they’re going to stop telling to me to calm down and stop removing shit is if I actually do it. Then maybe I can get answers.

“Mr. Duarte, if you don’t stop I’m going to have to restrain you.” The nurse looks me right in my eyes so that I know she means business. My hands instantly go flaccid and my head falls back into the pillow.

“Sophia?” It hurts to say her name. Not only because I have a tube shoved in my throat that it feels so dry it’s as if I swallowed a bucket of nails but my soul hurts because I know she’s not here.

“I’ll get her here but you have to calm down and let the doctor asses you,” Nicolas says sternly.

I still and let the nurse do what she has to do; we wait forever for the doctor to arrive all while I stare down Nicolas with the intention to get Sophia here. I feel instant relief when the doctor removes the endotracheal tube. The doctor asks me questions, orders a few tests, and while he’s talking it all comes back to me. Meeting with Sam. The motorcycle. The bright lights. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to recall that moment but the last thing I remember is laying on the cold pavement. I hear the doctor say I was in a coma.

“How long?” I ask.

“It’s been four weeks, Mr. Duarte.”

“How’s Sam? Is he alright?”

“Yes, he only sustained minor injuries.”

It’s a relief to know he is alright on the other hand I can’t believe I’ve missed four weeks of my life. Time gone, time I will never get back. Time that I have missed with Sophia and my baby.

“When will I get out of here?” I ask.

“Once all the test come back and I feel there’s nothing to be concerned about you will be discharged.” The doctor signs off on some papers in my chart and walks out with the nurse. I turn to look at Nicolas. All of this seems so surreal. I can’t even imagine what I’ve put Sophia through.

“Nicolas, hermano. Please, I’ve been patient enough, get her here now!” I demand. “Don’t make me get out of this fucking bed and go home to her myself,” I threatened. I force the words out as much as they hurt to say, I need him to know how serious I am.

Nicolas is hiding something, I know it. He’s acting like all those times when we were young and he used to secretly eat my candy without telling me.

“Out with it, Nicolas! Where is she?” I don’t care if my fucking throat feels raw, I demand to know where the fuck my woman is and I need to know now. I throw the blankets off and start pull at all the fucking wires that are still attached. I’d like to see the nurse try to restrain me.

“Matias, she’s alright man, she’s upstairs. She just had the baby and is in recovery,” he says for a moment. “Listen to me, hermano, I need to you to be calm.”

“What the fuck?” My heart is beating a hundred times a minute and I can’t catch my breath. I feel I like I got sucker punched in the gut.

“Matias,” he calls out for me but my mind is already elsewhere.

This is not how I imagined any of this. Not how I imagined we were going to be welcoming our baby into this world. I feel cheated. Robbed. My chest is caving in and the antsiness is creeping in. This can not be happening to me. I sit up, trying to make all this go away. Trying to make this situation magically disappear. I can live with me losing four weeks of my life. I can live with me being in the hospital. But I don’t know how live with not being there with Sophia when my baby was born. I tug at my hair trying to alleviate the ache I feel in my chest. Tears begin to escape my eyes; I feel familiar arms go around me, and a soft kiss on my cheek.

“Mother, I didn’t even hear you come in.” She places both hands on my face and I notice she’s been crying. “Mom?” I ask her quizzically.

“Oh, mijo, today God has been generous.” She sits on the bed in front of me. “He has blessed me with a beautiful granddaughter and has brought you back to us.”

I knew it. I felt it… a girl.

“How are they, mom? How is Sophia? My baby? Does she have a name?

“They’re doing great. Sophia is getting settled into a room and the baby is being checked by the pediatrician right now. Don’t worry, mijo, they’re being well taken care of,” my mother tells me trying to calm my worries.

“I need to see them. Can I see them?” I direct my question to Nicolas. If anyone knows how to make this happen, it’s him. “Please, hermano, I need to see them?” Desperation dripping off every syllable.

“I’ll see what I can do for now I need you to rest.” He should know me better than that.

“Yes, mijo, descansa. They need you well and strong.”

“Mama, I cannot rest until I see them. Now can someone please take me upstairs or dammit I will go myself!” My patience is running slim.

“Matias, calm down! Let me go check on Sophia and see what I can do. Don’t go doing something stupid and hurting yourself only to prolong your stay.”

“You’re right but please go now.”

Nicolas exits the room and I stay behind. It feels wrong. It feels as if I should be the one going upstairs checking up on my family but I’m not.

“Sophia didn’t want to name her until you two agreed on a name,” my mother says setting ice chips on the tray next to me to help with the dryness in my mouth and the rawness I feel.

I don’t know what to say. I’m still trying to process that my daughter has been born. Wait, that I have a daughter. That I am a father to a beautiful baby girl. My life as I have known it has forever changed. My life is no longer mine, it’s theirs. I live for them. And when I recall, before everything faded to black, the last person I thought of was her, because she is my life.

My mother has been talking but I haven’t been listening. The only thing on my mind are my girls. Fuck Nicolas. He’s taking too long. I don’t know how much longer I can lie here without seeing them. I sit up in an attempt to get out of bed, but I only manage to get one leg out of the bed before I my head falls back against the bed. The room spins; I might have gotten up to fast.

“Mijo, are you okay? What are you doing?” my mother asks.

Before I have a chance to answer, Sophia’s parents walk in and behind them is Nicolas wheeling in Sophia; wrapped her arms is my baby girl cuddled in a pink blanket. All my pent-up emotions feel as if they are gathering up in a ball of fury, getting ready to explode. I can no longer contain them as Sophia comes face to face with me, Nicolas is slowly helping her onto my bed. Mrs. Montenegro rushes to free Sophia’s hands of the baby. Her arms instantly wrapped around me and as soon as our bodies connect and my life suddenly remembers its purpose, when just moments ago I felt lost. Her heart beats truth into me and reminds me the reason why I am still breathing. The reason why I couldn’t give up that night because of them, I hold her tighter as she sobs. I pull away only to kiss her.

“I love you,” she manages to say as she cries.

“I love you more,” I tell her and kiss her forehead.

Sophia holds out her arms and her mom places my baby girl in them, bringing her toward me; my heart is beating so fast. I’m excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. I don’t even know how to hold her, she seems so fragile. Sophia places her in my arms and just like that, all that I have been dreaming about, all that I having been anticipating, all that has brought new meaning to my life is wrapped up in a pink blanket sleeping in my arms. I stare down at her, unable to believe she is actually here. Tears run down my cheeks as I bring her closer to my chest.

“She’s beautiful.” I know every parent must say that but she is perfect.

I look up at Sophia, still shocked at what has happened and mesmerized by what I hold in my arms. I look around the hospital room and back down into my arms; the realization that I might not have had this chance to be here hits me and I silently thank the big man upstairs. There are those whose who say that when they encounter death that they see their lives flash before their eyes, well I didn’t. All I saw was darkness and it scared the shit out of me. And I know the reason why; it’s because I haven’t lived my life and I’ll be damned if I was going to leave this world without living it.

A loud bang makes our head turn; it’s Katia busting through the door. “What the hell? I can’t believe you had the baby without me!” She rushes toward the bed and leans in to get a look at her.

“Oh and by the way, I’m so pissed at you for putting her through what you put her through this. But we will discuss that later, mister,” she says sternly before turning to hug Sophia, who is still sitting on the bed.

“Sorry, I came as fast as I could but it was an hour after Nicolas sent me a text since I couldn’t find a sub,” Katia says to Sophia as she pulls away from her hug and begins to greet the rest of the family.

“We are all here now. Thank you, God, for all this love and for giving me the chance to live this life. I will never take it for granted,” I say, extending my hand to take hold of Sophia’s.

I never knew I could feel this complete again. When Will died, I thought that I had nothing to live for. He was the sole purpose of my life, being that he was there since the beginning when my body came to womanhood. He was my first everything. One of the greatest heartaches is losing someone you love madly and profoundly, by break-up, divorce or death, it doesn’t matter. And no one, I mean no one can ever tell you how deeply or for how long you are allowed to mourn that lost love. They will not give you the cure for it and there will be no answers in a book or at the bottom of the bottle that will help you survive the heartache.

I can’t say that I went through the five stages of grief, since I made a home in denial and depression, while taking a vacation in anger with a side of self-destruction. But it’s the price to pay for love. The devastation will always be worth it. And even now knowing that Will and I will never grow old together, I am happy that at least for the time he was put on this earth, he was loved by so many. Just like I locked my heartache away I also need to put Will’s love way to be able to move forward into the next chapter of my life.

I look around the room to all the faces that are here for Matias and our baby. The people I hurt with my selfishness and the people I collected along the way; my parents, Katia, Nicholas and Matias’ parents surrounding us with laughter, joy, and especially love, makes me realize that saying yes to life leaves you open to any form of pain, but yet it also brings you life.

I feel someone looking at me and I turn to see the most beautiful green eyes, eyes I had missed for the past month.

I smile shyly at Matias. “How do you feel?”

“How’s a man supposed to feel when he wakes up and finds the most beautiful two girls in all the land by his side? Beyond lucky. I hate saying this but didn’t I tell you we were having a girl?” He leans down and kisses our baby’s forehead.

“Yes you did. So, any names options?” I ask adjusting myself better on the bed.

“Anything you decide, I’m okay with. I’m just so in love with her,” he says, kissing her forehead again and inhaling her sent. “And you of course.” I lean in for a kiss.

“I thought I was insane when I smelled her, since the nurses put her in my arms. Doesn’t she smell beautiful? So, back to the name. I want to stop calling her butterfly. What do think of Petunia or Maria Jose Rosario de Jesus, would that be ok?” I joke.

“She is going to be so beautiful that nobody will care.” I can see the love shining from his eyes. Love that will be there forever.

“Yeah, the boys will be fighting for her left and right. We might have to hold interviews for who gets to go out with her,” teasingly I continue.

“Fuck no. She is not dating until she is fifty. If ever.”

“We will see about that, daddy. So, I was thinking Nova. What do you think?”

“Nova Duarte. I love it,” he whispers. She will have her daddy wrapped around her finger. The way it should be.

“We have a name!” Turning to our family I tell them, “this little butterfly’s name will be Nova.”

“Finally,” Katia says. Everyone knew I didn’t want to name her until Matias was awake. Ever since I was able to feel her moving inside me, we would call her butterfly because I would feel like fluttering wings every time she would kicked me. And towards the last month, she would only do it when I was close to Matias. Like she knew she was close to her father.

We continue to talk and everyone said their goodbyes. Matias needed rest and so did I. Birthing was no joke, but they all knew I was not going to be kept apart from Matias once I heard he had awaken. The nurse came and took Nova to the nursery. I stayed behind; I can’t seem to leave.

Everything goes quiet, the only thing I hear are the machines that are still monitoring Matias heart rate and pulse.

“Come here,” Matias husky voice demands. I feel it in every inch of my body. He adjusts himself to make room for me to lie down on the bed carefully, sideways facing each other.

“I should get going, you need your rest,” I say but I still lay down next him, how could I not?

I missed him.

“Fuck that, I had plenty of rest already.” I can hear his conviction in his voice. He hugs me to him as soon as I lay down completely. “God I miss this, even when I didn’t know I was not doing it.”

“How do you really feel?” I ask as I hug him back. I can smell the antiseptic smell all hospitals have but I can also smell him underneath all that.

“Complete now.” I know how he feels, because that is how I feel right now; that every puzzle pieces in my life is finally where it should be.

“You know what I mean, babe?”

“Disoriented, confused, angry, sad, but not in pain, and slight discomfort. I can’t believe I was asleep for a month. I can’t wrap my head around that. Everything I missed. Heck, everything that you had to do alone. It tears me apart knowing what I put you through, what you must have been feeling just seeing me here. Angry that I missed my daughter’s birth. But I have to be relieved that I am here now.” He kisses my neck, and I can feel the butterflies in my tummy wrecking havoc.

“I cried and prayed the first two days, all day long. I could not handle the not knowing. If you would wake up or not. If the doctors knew more than what they were saying. But then I realize that you were here alive and I could not give up on you. As long as I still felt your warmth and heard your heartbeat, I kept the faith. I needed to be strong for you and Nova. So, I stayed here all day every day; Nick had to kick me out to go eat and sleep. He said that if I didn’t he was going to deny me entry, since technically I was not family.” I feel Matias stiffen. He pulls back a bit to look at my eyes.

“What the fuck! You were not taking care of yourself?” He is so mad. I was expecting him getting mad at Nicolas, not me. I look away. He holds my chin up. “No matter what, you always have to take care of yourself first always. Promise me, Sophia. And take care of Nova. You two are the most important people in my life. I need to know that you will be okay.”

“Can you promise me that you will never put yourself in danger again?”

“What? And risk losing you? Never. And now I have a daughter to raise. I don’t know what the future holds or if anything can happen later, but for the time I am by your side I promise not to take any unnecessary risks. This was just an unfortunate accident.” He kisses me with the hunger that I feel. We don’t come up for air until the nurse walks in and puts a stop to our reunion. Like teenagers caught, she sends me to my room after the candy stripe volunteer gets there to wheel me away.

“See you soon, baby.” Matias says, blowing me a kiss.

NOVA AND I left the hospital first. Matias will be released in three days. He was pretty upset about that, but the doctor ordered him to stay and I agreed with him. The doctor just wanted to run more CT scans due to Matias experiencing some dizziness. He also had to get together with a physical therapist to see about doing some motor exercises. So we left him behind. There was a lot of cussing on his part and tears on mine during the departure.

With the help of the abuelitos, Nova and I made Matias’ apartment our own. I was able to fit most of my clothes in his closet. I left all my furniture at the old apartment. My parents will be staying in my room there for a few months to be with the baby and me, so they will need it. And I am still paying my half of the rent. But Katia will put an ad for a roommate later if she feels like it.

Matias wanted to assemble the crib and all of the nursery furniture, so I told everyone that at least he should still be able to do that, since he missed the delivery. And Nova could wait three days for her daddy to make her bed.

Who knew that babies needed so many things? I sure didn’t. I love that she has everything under the sun. But we might get kicked out once Matias gets home. All his nice open area is gone. I smile at all the mess as I make my way to the kitchen to start preparations for Matias’ and Nova’s welcome home party. Nicolas, Katia, my parents and Matias’ parents are coming over. Sam was invited too, for Matias. I have not forgiven Sam for what happen to Matias. I invited Will’s parents and nanny.

This was celebration of life.

Of family.

Of love.

The doorbell rings and I look at the clock; it is too early for anyone to be here. I run to get it, because I don’t want Nova to wake up.

I open the door to the biggest floral arrangement I have ever seen, covering the person holding them.

“Gosh are these for me?” I make a grab for the card.

MISS ME? It reads.

Dropping the note, I push the flowers to the side.

“Matias!” I yell. “What the heck are you doing here? Nicolas is supposed to go get you.” I lead him inside.

“Once the sun came up, I demanded to speak to the doctor. I had no reason to stay there a minute longer. So I discharged myself and grabbed a taxi home. So, surprise!” Setting the arrangement on the table he grabs me, kissing me. “It’s kind of weird ringing my own doorbell.” We walk to the sofa, sitting down. Matias sits down on an angle, forcing me lay on his torso. I pause for a bit because this is something that I enjoy doing with Will not so long ago, but I shake the nostalgia feeling. I lay my head on his warm chest, hearing his heart beating, making me feel warm all over.

“How do you feel?”

“Good, glad to be home. How are the preparations coming for the dinner? And why is there a mess in our home?”

“One, they are being interrupted by the guest of honor, for which I’m glad. And two, you sir are a parent now, so that means total and utter chaos twenty-four-seven.” Just as if on cue, a squeak is heard on the baby monitor. Nova is awake. I am about to get up to go get her, since it’s feeding time. But Matias holds me back.

“Let me get her.” He walks to the room bringing her to me. “How can this tiny little thing make so much noise?” I extend my arms to hold her.

“She’s hungry, aren’t you butterfly?” Opening in up my shirt, I bring her to my breast, and she latches on, suckling. I wince a little since this is still new to me, but it was an experience that I really wanted to have with my baby. My mother did it with me, my grandmother to her. It was something all the women in my family did for generations. I almost gave up in the hospital because it hurt. But my mother taught me how to do it right. We bonded for the first time in years.

I look up and see Matias just staring us in wonder, as if it’s the most breathtaking view he has ever seen. The man, who has gone all over world exploring all the most beautiful architectural building, was almost moved to tears seeing me breastfeed.

He gets up and goes to his work desk, bringing with him a pad and a pencil. He sits back down on the sofa facing us. And starts to draw. We stay in complete silence until Nova is ready to be burped, and she promptly goes back to sleep. I get up to set her down, all the while seeing Matias lost in his drawing. I come back and he is laying down; on the coffee table a picture of Nova and I stares back at me. It’s breathtakingly beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful knowing that is how we look through Matias’ eyes. We make eye contact he opens his arms and I lay down.

“Wow, I’m speechless.” What he can’t say with words, he shows me with his kisses.

All party preparations are forgotten.

“I am standing here firmly without wavering in front of you promising you to love you forever. I never knew love could feel like this.” He leans in and kisses me with the same force as the love I can see through his eyes. “I can still see some ripples of fear reflecting in your eyes, but I promise you I will slay every dragon for you. My love for you is as intense as a hurricane.”

“I just can’t lose you. I was so scared the whole month that you weren’t with us. I didn’t know if you were going to make it or not. Falling in love with you was a risk I took. I knew that loving again was going to leave me open to be hurt, but I did it anyway. And it almost broke me again.” I feel tears land on my cheeks.

“Shh…I’m here, next you. Shh…Loving you.” Hugging me to him, he continues to sooth me. “I am sorry that you had to live through all that again. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that while I am alive you will be the love in my heart.” He kisses me once again, starting by kissing my tears from my cheeks working his way to my lips. I feel his breath on my neck, his lips erasing all the anguish I felt just remembering being next to his bed and seeing him in a coma, not knowing if there would going to be any consequences from the fall or if he would ever wake up.

Our kisses turn to something more profound, sharing our souls with every breath we take. His hands roam my body marking it once more. We get lost in each other arms. I don’t know when our clothes came off until I feel his breath on my naked skin.

“How I fucking love you,” he whispers over my body, the words penetrating my pores, making my blood flutter.

“Never stop,” I gasp between kisses. We know we can‘t have sex yet, but this feels like so much more.

“Never.”

The End

About the Author

Leli and Aimee are Texas-Natives who reside in the Rio Grande Valley. They work in the medical field and have evolved into New Adult Romance authors. Both share a passion for happily ever after’s. Their love for books helped them decide to pursue their dream of writing. They were scared to start on this dream alone so they team up making L.A. Corvill.

When they are not working or writing, Leli spends her day reading, adding new books to her to–be read list. Aimee spends her time with her kids being a taxi to their various extra-curricular activities and her IPad is never far from her.

Find them online...

FACEBOOK

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

Acknowledgements

We what to give a huge thank you to the amazing artist Danny O’Connor, your mastery with the brush blew us away. We have never been more amazed then what you created. Thank you. Check him out @artbydoc.

Murphy Rae from Indie Solutions- Your ability to manipulate photographs to make one heck of a cover is truly artistic. Thank you.

Stacy Garcia- YOU are AWESOME- You brought our words to life with pictures to make the best teasers we have ever seen. Thank you.

Chelsea Kuhel- Once again we would have been lost without you. Thanks for correcting all our errors again and again.

Our Awesome BETAS- Diana R., Gloria L., Margie L., Stacy G. and Alejandra D.

Your input and ideas help us develop the story better than we had hope, Thank You girls.

Alyssa Garcia- Thank you for making time for us with your busy schedule. You made our book perfect for our readers.

To Our Readers Thank you for your continue support!!!!

Leli

A HUGE THANK YOU to all my family and friends, who still think this is a crazy idea but still back me up. I love all of you beyond any words I can ever write.

To my sister Alma who lost her soulmate but continues to show me that love comes at any time.

To all my sister, Maria, Claudia, and Idalia. Love you all lots. We still need to take a sister trip.

My friends that have stayed by me, thank you Joanna, Alex and Mel. You girls rock!

To my girls from Team Mario, Melinda, Christine, Krystal, and Lisa. You guys have shown me that anything is possible when you believe in the unexpected.

Aimee my best friend and sister, thank you for being as crazy as you are, because that’s the only way we can be friends. This journey is less scary with you.

Mis padres: Los amo, sin ustedes mi vida no seria complete.

Aimee

I want to thank my husband, Leroy, not only for being my biggest supporter but for being the dream chaser right along with me. I love you, baby.

To my children Brianna, Dylan, and Mia thank you for being patient, putting up with me, and feeding yourselves while I wrote and edited. I love you all so so much.

To my Fam Bam, Mom, Dad, Erica, Crystal, Makayla, Kaitlynn, Art, Ollie, and Ruben thank you! Your support means so much I love you all.

To Leli thank you for always putting up with all my crazy ideas and my nonsense talk. I agree this journey would be scary if done alone. I'm glad we have each other. It's less scary. I Wouldn't have done it with anyone else but you, sister! Love you!

To my boss, Dr. Ajero and our coworker Ivette, thank you for believing in us and letting us pursue our dream even though that required taking days off. We love you!