DARK PSYCHOLOGY AND MANIPULATION

HOW TO INFLUENCE PEOPLE

GASLIGHTING

MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS

ENNEAGRAM

5 BOOKS IN 1

Persuasion, Analyze Body Language, Hypnosis Techniques, NLP Secrets & Mind Control

By   Caroline Empathy, Power Laws, Jack Mind, Robert Dale Goleman, Daniel Brandon Bradberry, Travis Greene Carnegie, Gino Gerrard

DARK PSYCHOLOGY AND MANIPULATION

Introduction

Chapter 1: An Overview to Dark Psychology versus Normal Psychology

Chapter 2: How to Use Dark Psychology to Manipulate Others

Chapter 3: Analyzing People through Body Language

Chapter 4: Emotional Intelligence

Chapter 5: Importance of Emotional Intelligence

Chapter 6: Mind Control

Chapter 7: Mind Control Techniques

Chapter 8: The Secrets of Neuro Linguistic Programming

Chapter 9: Manipulation and Persuasion

Chapter 10: Characteristics of Manipulators

Chapter 11: Hypnosis

Chapter 12: Brain washing

Chapter 13: Preventing Manipulation

Conclusion

HOW TO INFLUENCE PEOPLE

Introduction

Chapter 1 Understanding influence

Chapter 2 Reading Body Language

Chapter 3 How to Analyze Those around You

Chapter 4 Understanding the people and world around us

Chapter 5: Steps to Increase Your Influence

Chapter 6:  Sources of influence

Chapter 7: The Art of Influence and Persuasion?

Chapter 8: Powerful Verbal and Nonverbal Cues

Chapter 9:  Facial Expressions

Chapter 10:  Distance in Communication

Chapter 11: Dark psychology and manipulation

Chapter 12 Tips and Tricks for Reading and Analyzing People

Conclusion

GASLIGHTING

Introduction

Chapter 1. Gaslighting

Chapter 2. Understanding the Ins and Outs  of Gaslighting

Chapter 3. How to spot a gaslighter

Chapter 4.Cognitive Dissonance | How Manipulation Affects You

Chapter 5. How Gaslighting Narcissists operate to make their Victim Think that they are Crazy

Chapter 6. The Effects of Gaslighting

Chapter 7. Signs you are Being Manipulated with Gaslighting

Chapter 8. Things Narcissists Say During Gaslighting.

Chapter 9. Empowering Ways to Disarm a Narcissist and Take Control

Chapter 10. Ways to Stop a Deceiver in Their Tracks

Chapter 11. A Match Made in Hell: Narcissists And Empaths

Chapter 12 – How to stop being manipulated by a deceiver

Chapter 13- Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Chapter 14- Toxic Relationships Recovery

Conclusion

MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS

Introduction

Chapter 1: Emotions

Chapter 2: How to Handle Your Emotions in Relationships to Handle Your Emotions in Relationships

Chapter 3: Methods for Mastering Your Emotions

Chapter 4: Embracing Our Feelings

Chapter 5: The Benefits of Emotional Intelligence

Chapter 6: Communications Skills in the Workplace

Chapter 7: Secrets of Building Healthy Social Relationships

Chapter 8: Tricks & Techniques for Overcoming Negativity

Chapter 9: Unleash The Empath In You!

Conclusion

ENNEAGRAM

Description

Chapter 1: What Is the Enneagram?

Chapter 2: Using the Enneagram

Chapter 3: Multidimensional Personality

Chapter 4: The Enneagram as a Universal Symbol of an Ancient Teaching

Chapter 5: Your Enneagram Type: personality test

Chapter 6: Understanding Enneagram

Chapter 7: Specific Practices for Each Enneagram Personality Type

Chapter 8: The Essential Enneagram Test

Chapter 9: Discover perfection your Truest Self

Chapter 10: The Universal growth and spiritual development Process, personal and professional with Enneagram

Chapter 11:  Enneatypes in the Workplace

Conclusion

Dark Psychology and Manipulation

Introduction

Next time you are in a public space look around you and examine the people that are walking about. What are they doing? Who are they with? In which direction are they going? If you can imagine that last time you went to your supermarket of choice, you can probably recall people pushing carts of food around the aisles. Maybe with their spouse and children, or with friends. Maybe alone. Each one of them has one thing in common: they want to buy their groceries for the week and get on with their day.

In that sense, the motivation behind their behavior is patently visible. A father walks over to the dairy section and grabs a gallon of %2 milk. He then scratches off the item from the grocery list and walks towards the next item. The grocery store is a nice metaphor for motivation in the real world. Everyone is doing something because they have some item that needs to be crossed out from a list. At times it will be easily doable, like getting a haircut. At other times it will be complex and time-dependent, like getting a Ph.D. in astrophysics. 

Whatever the case, people have motivations. Everyone has a metaphorical grocery list they want to fulfill, whether they know what is on the list or not. There is where human psychology gets tricky. Some of us know what we want. Some of us don’t know. Some of us are “open” to suggestions and recommendations. Still, others are constantly seeking for direction from others. Some of us know what our moral values and core beliefs are. Others do not. One second you can be reaching for the creamy peanut butter, and the next you are looking at the crunchy version. Or perhaps you drop peanut butter altogether and look towards the organic nut butter. Or perhaps you reach for the peanut butter and mixed jelly jar.

To understand what dark psychology is, we first need to establish what psychology is as a whole. Psychology is defined as the study of the human mind, especially in regard to the connection between thoughts and behaviors. Even in the times of the great Greek philosophers, scholars were fascinated by the workings of the mind and how it related to our actions and reactions.

Modern psychology was founded by a German doctor named Wilhelm Wundt. Wundt was a physiologist and philosopher, and his interest in these fields led to the development of his theories about the relationship between body and mind.

In 1879, Wundt founded the world’s first psychology laboratory, located at the University of Leipzig. He was determined to prove that the inner workings of the mind could be measured and examined much like any other science experiment. He developed theories and experiments based on the following principles:

Voluntarism - the process of organizing the mind

Reductionism - the ability to isolate each part of the mind

Introspection - the ability to perform detailed self-examination

Using these principles and a modified experiment from his days in physiology, Wundt developed a method of testing the psyche of his subjects. When he was medical doctor, Wundt had tested the reaction time of his patients to certain physical stimuli in a controlled environment, like a noise or a flashing light (the precursors to modern hearing or vision tests). Wundt wondered if he could test the mind in a similar fashion.

The result was an experiment in which Wundt had his subjects concentrate on a metronome, and then describe how the metronome made them feel. By detailing the sounds, sensations, and thoughts they had when focusing on the metronome ticking, Wundt was able to begin determining the way the brain is affected by controlled stimuli. He even attempted to measure the levels of chemical activity in the brain during and after these experiments.

While Wundt’s work was primitive by the standards of modern psychology, it was groundbreaking enough for him to have trained over one hundred students in the budding field, and he inspired the next generation of psychologists; Sigmund Freud, who fathered psychoanalysis; Carl Jung, who expanded upon Freud’s theories and developed analytical psychology; William James, who brought modern psychology to America; and Alfred Alder, who formulated the connections between emotional needs and social skills. These men created the body of work that would blossom into the many branches of psychology and psychotherapy we see today, including cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Dark Psychology is a branch of psychology that fascinates people across the globe who are interested in topics like understanding the criminal mind, better understanding the darker thoughts that control human behavior at all ages, and the conscious actions people take to influence others using psychological manipulation.

At its core, Dark Psychology is the specified study of the more wicked side to human nature: what defines it, how to observe it, where the lines are and how it can be utilized for both constructive and nefarious purposes. It covers mild uses like a clever car salesman who continuously has the best sales numbers on his team because he is able to read his customers and build an amiable connection with them based on observations to the severe uses like studying the mind of criminals who use their understanding of human behavior to victimize others.

Persuasion, manipulation, and other forms of influence are ubiquitous. You can pick up on some obvious signs here and there, but there are also hidden secret ways that others control you which you might never be able to fully comprehend. 

Many reasons exist that can make you yearn to be a more persuasive person. Perhaps you feel as though you are already under the deep influence of others and you wish to break yourself free. Maybe you are the kind of individual that can easily fall for the charm of others and now is the moment for you to be able to better protect yourself against any types of influence that might happen to you. 

Perhaps you are trying to sell something, maybe yourself or your brand, and you need to figure out how to get people to be more persuaded by you in order to help you achieve the things that you want in this life. No matter where you are or what you are trying to do, you have all the tools that you will ever need to be persuasive or influential with you already. 

Before getting into this book, there are a few things that you need to know to be introduced to this topic, in order to get into the right mindset as you read through this text. First, understand that there are no two manipulators that are alike. There are no two easily persuaded people that are the same either. Though it might seem like this sometimes, especially since you can influence a group all at once, you can’t let yourself fall into a thinking pattern where you place everyone in the same category. 

What you also have to understand is that you should have an open mind with how you interpret the types of manipulation or persuasion that you will see as you read through the book, and afterwards in everyday life. We have tips and tricks to assist you be more persuasive, but look for your own methods as well. Apply the things we are talking about practically in a way that helps your life and with methods that are individual to your experiences and circumstances. 

Remember, above all this takes practice. You won’t be able to understand the human brain and be a persuasive person overnight. You will certainly be more aware of these kinds of things and the switch will be much quicker than you realize. Your perspective has likely started to change already. To really be an expert, you are going to have to put yourself out there in real situations and go through trial and error periods of trying to study other people. Don’t blame yourself for not being aware of the ways that you have been manipulated in the past. Regret isn’t going to do you any good in this journey, so it’s best to leave those feelings of, “I wish I would have known this sooner,” behind. All that you can do now is move forward, and we are going to help you on every step of the way!

Chapter 1: An Overview to Dark Psychology versus Normal Psychology

What Is Normal Psychology?

Normal psychology, otherwise called basic psychology, or simply psychology, is a study of the mind and behavior. Psychology (Greek - soul; Greek - knowledge) is a science that studies the behavior and mental processes of people and animals. The psyche is the highest form of the relationship of living beings with the objective world, expressed in their ability to realize their motives and act on the basis of information about him. Through the psyche, a person reflects the laws of the world. This is what psychology aims to understand.

Thinking, memory, perception, imagination, sensation, emotions, feelings, inclinations, temperament - all these moments are studied by psychology. But the main question remains - what drives a person, his behavior in a particular situation, what processes does their inner world entail? The range of issues addressed by psychology is wide enough. So, in modern psychology there are a large number of sections:

- General psychology

- Age-related psychology,

- Social psychology,

- Psychology of religion,

- Pathophysiology

- Neuropsychology,

- Family psychology

- Sports psychology, etc.

Other sciences and branches of scientific knowledge (genetics, speech therapy, jurisprudence, anthropology, psychiatry, etc.) penetrate into psychology. In order to live in harmony with himself and with the world around him, modern man needs to master the basics of psychology.

Psychology operates with the following methods:

1.) Introspection - observation of one’s own mental processes, cognition of one’s own life.

2.) Observation - the study of certain characteristics of a process without active involvement in the process itself.

3.) Experiment - an experimental study of a specific process. An experiment can be built on the modeling of activities in specially defined conditions or can be carried out in conditions close to ordinary activities.

4.) Development study - the study of certain characteristics of the same set of people (children, a tribe, etc.), which are monitored for several years.

As a science, psychology originated in the second half of the 19th century, having separated from philosophy and physiology. Psychology explores the mechanisms of the psyche unconscious and conscious of man.

A person turns to psychology in order to know himself and better understand his loved ones. Such knowledge is essential in seeing and realizing true motives of their actions. Psychology is also called the science of the soul, which at certain points in life begins to ask questions - "who am I?", "Where am I?", "Why am I here?" Why does a person need this knowledge and awareness? To stay on the road of life and not fall in one ditch, then in another. And having fallen, find the strength in yourself to rise and move on.

Interest in this field of knowledge is growing. By training the body, athletes necessarily come to psychological knowledge and expand it. Psychology is actively pouring into training and education, into business, into art.

A man is not only a storehouse of certain knowledge and skills but also a person with his own emotions, feelings, ideas about this world. Today, knowledge of psychology is indispensable either at work or at home. To sell yourself or a product, you need certain knowledge. In order to have well-being in the family and be able to resolve conflicts, knowledge of psychology is also necessary. Understanding the motives of people's behavior, learning to manage their emotions, being able to build relationships, being able to convey their thoughts to the interlocutor - and here psychological knowledge will come to the rescue. Psychology begins where a person appears and, knowing the basics of psychology, many mistakes in life can be avoided. "Psychology is the ability to live."

What Is Dark Psychology?

We define Dark Psychology as the art and science focusing on mind control and manipulation. Psychology, as a general term, aims at studying and understanding human behavior. It is focused on our thoughts, actions, and the way we interact with each other. Dark psychology, however, just focuses on the kinds of thoughts and actions that are predatory in nature. Dark psychology examines the tactics used by malicious people to motivate, persuade, manipulate, or coerce others into acting in ways that are beneficial to themselves, and potentially detrimental to the other person. 

The best definition for dark psychology is that it is the study of a human status in its connection to the people’s psychological nature to prey upon other people. The entire humanity possesses a certain potential to victimize not only their fellow human beings but also other living creatures. Whereas, other individuals who might want to sublimate or restrain this kind of tendency, there are also others who opt to act upon some of these impulses. What dark psychology seeks to achieve is to make one understand those perceptions, feelings, and thoughts that end up leading to the predatory behavior of human beings. Dark psychology assumes this type of production is done for a given purpose and contains certain goal-oriented and rational motivation nearly all the time. The remaining portion of this time is essentially the dangerous victimization of other people with no purposive intent. In other words, we can perceive and define it by both religious doctrine and evolutionary science. 

The point of dark psychology, as a subject, is to try to understand those thoughts, feelings, and perceptions that cause people to behave in predatory ways towards each other. Experts in dark psychology work under the assumption that the vast majority of human predatory actions are purposeful. In other words, most individuals who prey on others (99.99%) do it for specific reasons, while the remaining people (0.01%) do it for no reason at all. 

The assumption is that when people do evil things, they have specific motivations, some of which may even be completely rational from their point of view. People do bad things with specific goals in mind and specific rationales for their actions, and only a tiny fraction of the population brutally victimizes others without a purpose that can be reasonably explained by either evolutionary science or some form of religious dogma.

You have heard many times that everyone has a dark side. All cultures and belief systems acknowledge this dark side to some extent. Our society refers to it as “evil” while some cultures and religions have gone so far as to create mythical beings to whom they attribute that evil (the devil, Satan, demons, etc.). Experts in dark psychology posit that there as some among us who commit the worst kinds of evil, for purposes that are unknown. While most people may do evil things to gain power, money, retribution, or for sexual purposes, there are those who do evil things because that’s just who they are. They commit acts of horror for absolutely no reason. In other words, their ends don’t justify their means; they cause harm for its own sake. 

Dark psychology is rooted in 4 dark personality traits. These traits are; narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism. People with such traits tend to act in ways that are pointlessly harmful to others.

The skills and methods of influencing others can be quite different. They can be used both for constructive purposes and for various frauds. The characteristics of those who manage to influence people, no matter what is the “dark” in the dark psychology name. 

People who successfully use dark psychology have understood fully all aspects of normal psychology. Thus, they understand themselves as well as others around them. They easily analyze others with this skill. They perceive the views, opinions and other information from those whom they wish to influence. Such a skill can be developed independently, and you will learn all about this in subsequent chapters. 

Certain stories of deception of citizens with the help of dark psychology, like those that were told at the beginning of the book, were perceived as exotic, and the victims of this deception were considered unlimited simpletons. The bulk of fraudulent “exploits” using dark psychology as a special state of the psyche was not associated at all: the victim of dark psychological influence simply could not find an explanation for what happened.

As has been noted more than once, the specifics of dark psychology makes the active user “process” the client in a roundabout way. He does not give direct commands to do this or that but encourages a person to do it as if he is acting on his own initiative. The person comments, asks, consults and - gets his way. 

Behind his behavior is a certain strategy. One of them is speculation. The phrase stands in such a way that some phenomenon, action or object is presented in it as if it was actually accepted. For example, they ask you: “Will you pay in dollars or bitcoins?” The question is innocent, but you have not yet said that you intend to purchase this thing at all. The question assumes that you have already made such a decision and it remains to solve the trifle - to pay in bitcoins or dollars, about which you begin to reflect.

I suppose that what was read caused the reader an ironic smile: a primitive ploy, visible, as they say, with the naked eye. Do not rush to conclusions. Let me remind you that the "seller" has already adjusted to you and leads you, your consciousness is no longer as critical as when reading these lines. This is the basis of analyzing people first, then thinking steps ahead of them, even about their own actions and reactions.

The essence of this technique is as follows: the dark psychologist makes up the text of the suggestion, and then “dissolves” it in a story of neutral content. During the conversation, the “user” in some way selects the words of suggestion and they turn out to be a brilliant trap for consciousness. He (or she) will change the volume of speech, pause in characteristic places, speed up or slow down the story. 

There are other tools for highlighting words and phrases in order to consolidate them in the subconscious. The “user” can emphasize the right places in the story with gestures, facial expressions, touching your arm, shoulder, back. He can approach you sharply, turn around, turn away, etc. All these manipulations, if you follow them, are the basis of dark psychology. Now let's think about how often this is done to us against our will. And how this new knowledge is about to turn your life around. But first, it is worth considering the various personality types you should get ready to come across…

Understanding the Dark Triad and What It Means

This is a very important concept because it is going to help tie together some of the other aspects that we have discussed Dark Psychology. The name “dark triad” may sound like something that comes from a horror movie, but it is actually a legitimate psychological concept that is well recognized.

The dark triad is nothing more than an identification system for the three most destructive and harmful psychological personality traits a person can have. This chapter will take some time to detail each of the traits, including narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. Let’s take a look at each part and see what it means when it comes to dark psychology.

What Is Machiavellianism?

The first aspect of the Dark Triad that we will discuss is known as Machiavellianism. This aspect gets its name from the political philosopher known as Machiavelli. In his classical work “The Prince,” the ideas, principles, and tactics that are used by those who seek to influence others are outlined. But how exactly does a Machiavellian person come across?

The hallmarks of this trait include a willingness to focus on your self-interest all the time, an understanding of the importance of your image, the perception of appearance, and even the ruthless exercise of power and cruelty rather than using mercy or compassion.

To keep it simple, people who have this trait are ones who always have a strategy when they approach life. The consequences and any ramifications about any action are going to be thought out and then assessed in terms of how they are going to impact the one who is carrying them out. The Machiavellian approach to the world is summed up with a simple question: “How will this action benefit me, and how will my public perception be impacted as a result?”

Machiavellian people are going to be masters of doing what is going to personally serve them well, while still being able to maintain the good public image that they want. This allows the manipulator to do what they want, while still getting people around them to still like them.

What Is Psychopathy?

The net aspect that we can discuss is psychopathy. This is going to refer to a psychological condition that involves a superficial charm, impulsivity, and a lack of commonly held human emotions, such as remorse and empathy. Someone who exhibits enough of these traits can be known as a psychopath. These individuals are seen as some of the most dangerous people because they are able to hide their true intentions, while still causing a lot of trouble.

People often associate the word “psychopath” with an image of someone who is mad and wields a machete. The reality is different, and this can make it more deadly. A true psychopath is more likely to be that charming and handsome stranger who is able to win over their victim before they ruin those victims’ lives in the process.

Interestingly, some of the top people in business score high on psychopathy personality tests. But as time goes on, it is becoming more common to see psychopathy as more of a problem to the victim and to society rather than an issue in the psychopath’s own life. Psychopaths are able to get to the top of anything that they choose because they don’t have to worry about some of the compassionate indecision that other humans are going to experience.

What Is Narcissism?

The third aspect of the Dark Triad that we need to explore is narcissism. This is often thought of as the idea that a person loves themselves too much. This is close but quite the right definition for someone who is a narcissist. You can have self-love without being considered a narcissist.

Someone who is considered a narcissist is likely to have a range of traits that are there. They will have an excessively inflated self-worth, such as seeing that their life is extra special and one of the most important lives in all of history. If this has been inflated enough, they may see that they are the very most important in the whole world.

In the mind of a narcissist, they are not only special, but they are superior to everyone else. They consider themselves to be a better species of person, higher than what normal people would be. And because a narcissist believes this way, their behaviors are going to change. The behavior that you see in a narcissist is going to reflect the self-worth that the person has.

Some of the outward signs or manifestations of this aspect would include the inability of the person to accept any dissent or criticism of any kind. Even if they feel that someone is trying to criticize them, they are going to have a hard time dealing with this. This kind of person also feels the need to have others agree with them all the time and they like to be flattered. If you are around someone who seems to always have a need for constant praise, recognition, and approval, and if they seem to organize their lives in order to give them constant access to those who will fill this need, then it is likely that you are dealing with someone who is a narcissist.

These three aspects are going to come together to form the Dark Triad. When one person has all of these three traits in them, it can be a hard task to stay away and not get pulled into whatever plan they have. Being on the lookout for these can make a big difference in how much control you have in your own personal life. Immagine che contiene luce Descrizione generata automaticamente

Chapter 2: How to Use Dark Psychology to Manipulate Others  

People around us may use dark psychology tactics every day to manipulate, influence, persuade and intimidate us to take advantage and get what they want. As you get to know that dark psychology includes the science and art of mind control and manipulation. Whereas psychology is different from dark psychology as it is the study of human behavior and our actions, interactions and thoughts are centered with them. Some people get confused and don't know the difference between psychology and dark psychology. However, if you want to manipulate others, you need to know how to use dark psychology. 

Here are a different kind of people who know the tactics of manipulating others- 

a) Manipulation is an art and you need to know the tactics to meet your needs first, even at someone else's expense. Though these kinds of people are known to be self-centered, and they are good when it comes to manipulating and intimidating others. These people are not bothered with the outcomes but they have an agenda of self before others, no matter what.  

b) People who are good public speakers use dark psychological and persuasion tactics to maximize the emotional state of the listeners which leads to increase in the sale of their product (whatever they were selling to the audience). These people also know the moment and time of taking advantage of the emotional turmoil’s of other people.  

c) Some people meet clinical diagnosis, as they are true sociopaths. However, these people usually are intellectual, alluring but alongside they are impulsive. Just because these people do not have much ability to feel remorse and lack of emotionality, they build a superficial relationship and take advantage of innocent people by using dark tactics. They are not concerned about anyone's feelings and are least bothered with what others might do once the innocents know about their true face. 

d) People in politics (usual politicians) use dark tactics to persuade people that they will do the needful and perform the activities in favor of the common people just to get a vote and to become the ruling party. 

e) Some lawyers or attorneys focus solely on winning their case regardless of knowing the truth and even after knowing the truth, using dark manipulating tactics to get the outcome of what they want to win the case. They are not bothered about justice but are only concerned about their reputation and self-esteem.  

f) People in corporate offices who are in a higher position and deployed as the companies regional head use dark psychological tactics to get compliance, higher performance, or greater efforts from their subordinates. They are not cared about 'what their subordinates deserve' or 'is their salary justified as per the work they are performing within the organization'.  

g) People who are involved in the sales department are usually well aware of many of these dark influencing tactics to persuade and convince other people to buy whatever they are selling. They could even disguise the customers, as they are only concerned with selling their product and earning a profit.  

Now that you got to know about different types of people who may deceit you by using these dark tricks, here are the different dark psychological tactics to manipulate the people and make them do what you want them to do- 

1) If you want to sell your product and wish to manipulate your customers to make them surely buy your product, you can use a decoy option. You can use it as the third option. For example, if you are facing a troublesome situation to sell the more expensive of two products, by adding the third option you can make the expensive product more captivating and appealing. You just need to make sure that decoy option should be the same price for the more expensive option but assuring that it is less effective. It is a good strategy to increase the sale and enticing more customers towards your expensive product. 

2) To win an argument, speak quickly so that the opponent has no other option left but to agree with you. If you speak faster, it will give the other person the less time to process what you are saying and they will agree with you. While you should do the opposite in case when the other person agrees with you, speaking slowly is better as it will give them the time to evaluate and analyze what you are saying. 

3) You can copy the body language of people whom you want to manipulate. Imitating their body actions shall impress them and will make you closer to them and they may start liking you. If you subtly imitate the way the other person is talking, sitting, and walking, they would probably not notice that you are copying them and it may get them to do as per your wants. 

4) Scaring the other people to make them give you what you want and need is one of the dark psychological tactics to manipulate people. Anxious people often respond positively to requests afterward as they may be occupied thinking about the danger they are surrounded with. It would make them feel scared and would do as your saying. In addition, sometimes, even if you will not say anything they will understand what you need and do what you would have spoken them to do for you. 

5) To get people to behave ethically with you, you need to display an image of eyes. It means you should create your image as a person who watches, notice and observe the other person by posting a picture of eyes nearby. The other people could never take you like a side option and will return all borrowed items on time. 

6) Tweak such an environment for the people so that they would act less selfish. For example, if you were bargaining in a coffee shop, needless to say, you would be less aggressive as compared to what you would be in a conference room. Usually, people tend to act less selfish when neutral items surround them, whereas if work-related objects occupy them, they incline towards more aggression and selfishness. 

7) Try to keep your point complicated and do not make it very easy for the people to understand in a first move. To comply with people with your request, confuse them. For example- instead of keeping a price tag of your product for 4 dollars, make it 400 pennies, so that people would first analyze how much dollars would 400 pennies make and if they bargain they will do that in pennies rather than in dollars. Or they may just think that the price given is a deal to go for. 

8) If you help someone to achieve their goals or sort their problems out, the other person tends to return your favor, as they would feel obliged by what you have done for them. This way when the time comes, you may manipulate the other person and is one of the tactics. 

9) Try to ask a question or request a person at a time when they are mentally drained and exhausted. They would never question the request or the chances of denial for your request are very less. 

10) Always make the other person focus on their gaining not losing. Moreover, declare the price of your product at last after telling all the features and benefits of your product. For instance, if you are selling your car in 1000 dollars, always let the other person know about its features, specifications, and benefits first. Then declare its price. The benefits will entice the customer towards the car, and then the price shall not be a constraint. 

11) Do not use verbs; try to use more nouns to change the behavior of the other person towards you. If you use nouns, it will reinforce the identity of the person for whom you may be using it. It will also indicate a specific group which shall be eloquent.  

Chapter 3: Analyzing People through Body Language

Body Language Clues: The Basics

When you try to know more about your goal and how they view the world, body language is going to be so crucial. Too many times we get caught in the words that someone else tells us and we won't concentrate on the other indications they also give us. There is so much that can be disclosed by these body language clues, and it makes a large difference how effective you are in understanding and working with your goals. 

Body language will refer to some of the nonverbal signals we use to interact with others. These nonverbal signals will take up much of the interaction we communicate every day. From the movement of our body to our facial expressions and everything in between, things we don't say can still share a ton of information during the process. Indeed, 60 to 65% of our interaction could be accounted for by body language and other nonverbal communications. So how do we learn to read this language to our own advantage? Let's begin by learning more about the various indications of body language, and how we can read this for our benefit. First off we have the facial expressions.

Think of a time, by the expression on your face, about how much data someone can convey. A smile is a nice way to show happiness or consent. A frown can imply the other way around. In some instances, facial expressions can show our real emotions about a scenario. While an individual may say he's okay, he looks like he's talking when he says this might talk otherwise. There are many feelings on our facial expressions, including: 

1. Contempt

2. Desire

3. Excitement

4. Confusion

5. Fear

The expression that appears on the person's face helps us to determine if we trust and think anything the person says. In reality, one research discovered that the most credible of all facial expressions will be a small eyebrow raise and a slight smile. This is an expression that in many instances shows us to trust and friendliness.

The other type of body language cue will have to be the mouth. Mouth expressions and motions can be another vital component of body language reading. For instance, if you notice someone else chewing on his bottom lip, it may show that there are feelings of insecurity, fear, and worry. The individual can cover his mouth to be polite when he coughs, but sometimes the other person's disapproval. And smiling will be one of the best signals of corporeal language, but the smile and what it says about a person can be evaluated differently. Some of the stuff you can care about when reading someone else's mouth movements include;

Pursed lips: If you see your goal tightened up, it's a sign of distrust, disagreement, and disgust. 

Lip biting: This is when you bite your lower lip, usually when you are stressed, anxious, or distressed. 

Mouth cover: Any moment someone wishes to conceal one of their emotional responses, they can cover their mouths in order to assist. 

Turned up or down: Even a slight shift in your mouth can be a subtle indication of how you feel right now. When your mouth turns up, it's a sign that you are hopeful or glad. It could be a grimace, disagreement, and even sorrow when the mouth turns down.

Another area to observe as body language cue is gestures. Gestures can be a very evident, direct sign of body language to be careful about. Waiving, pointing and fingering can be common and easy to understand gestures. Some may even be cultural. Some of the most popular gestures and the significances that come with them include: 

A clung fist: In most cases, this will show anger, but sometimes it can also imply solidarity. 

Up or down thumbs: This is used as a sign of approval and disapproval. 

The "all correct" gesture: This one will assist others to say you're fine in the United States. But it is seen in some other cultures as a vulgar gesture.

The next thing we have to do is look at the arms and legs of the individual you talk to. These can be useful if a lot of information is to be transmitted nonverbally. Crossing the weapons will often be a defensive maneuver. Crossing the legs away from another individual will also show a person's discomfort or a dislike. 

Other subtle signals, including the large expansion of the arm, can sometimes help us to seem bigger and more comfortable while maintaining the arms close to the body. When you try to measure your body language a little, be careful about some of the following signals that your legs and arms will transmit to you from the target:

Crossed arms: This will give you a signal that you're closed, safe and defensive. As a manipulator, you need to uncross the arms of the goal to make you feel comfortable. 

Standing on hips with your hands: This can be a good sign that the person is ready and controlled. This will sometimes be a sign of aggression. 

Clamp the hands so that they're behind the back: This will be a sign that your goal is angry, anxious or boring. You have to look at some of the other signals that come first. 

Tap fingers or fidgeting quickly: The other person is frustrated, impatient and even bored. 

Crossed legs: This is a good indication that someone feels closed or needs some privacy.

Posture is another thing you should look at. The way we hold our bodies will also be a significant component of body language. Posture refers to the way we hold our bodies and to a person's general physical shape. Posture can give a wealth of data on how someone feels and also suggests that a person's features are submissive, open or confident. 

For instance, if you sit directly, it can show that an individual is concentrated and is attempting to look after what is going on. Sitting down with the body, on the other side, will show that someone is most of the time indifferent or bored. Looking at your goal will assist you to understand whether you are interested in what you do or say, or if you need to move on to find a different destination. 

Whenever you attempt to read some of the languages of your body, attempt and find out some signals that your goal's position is attempting to tell you. Some of them are: 

Open posture. Open posture. This includes keeping the body's trunk exposed and open.

Closed position: this one will require hiding the body's trunk and hitting the legs and arms. This posture will be more indicative of anxiety, discomfort, and depression in the objective.

  Chapter 4: Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence also referred to as emotional leadership or emotional quotient, is the ability of certain people to realize their emotions, as well as those of others, differentiate them, label, and readily manage or adjust depending on the situation or environment. These people typically remain calm despite the changes in the surrounding or negative impacts associated with a given case. Besides, they may apply the capability to help those affected by awkward feelings, therefore, making them feel at peace. Emotional intelligence is psychological, where one understands and handles any kind of emotion with ease while remaining calm.

Over the years, the definition of emotional intelligence was broken down into four sections: perceiving, utilizing, learning, and managing. The four abilities were all attributed to emotional intelligence with relative meanings behind them. Different models were created using these abilities, therefore, facilitating how thoughts and understanding of emotions interact. Studies show that people with more emotional intelligence tend to succeed more in various areas, including academics, careers, and talents. The ability has also been associated with providing great leadership and higher performance at work. More so, researchers agree that these people are healthy mentally as well as on their standard personality traits. 

Since the introduction of emotional intelligence, different studies have been conducted with the objective of determining the actual factors driving an individual to manage emotions. Most of us react to varying feelings to some extent, depending on the severity or fun in it. However, higher emotional intelligence people have the ability to manage these emotions and have a minimal impact on their lives, even on extensive influences of a situation. With different groups of people, emotional intelligence has been seen to have different implications on the thoughts of these individuals. For instance, children and teens with high emotional intelligence tend to have good social interaction while those having lower abilities have the opposite. Adults with high emotional intelligence accompany an excellent self-perception socially while those with low emotional intelligence tend to become aggressive. 

Features of Emotional Intelligence 

Show of Authenticity

High emotional intelligence people, especially those who are more social, tend to stick to their principles and values. When sharing about themselves to others, they usually stand by their boundaries rather than sharing everything about themselves to others. As such, authenticity does not imply that you have to share all about yourself. However, you share about yourself to people who matter and those who understand you and appreciate your thoughts and feelings. 

Demonstration of Empathy

These individuals tend to demonstrate empathy to people as they readily understand other people’s feelings and thoughts. They, therefore, readily connect to others and agree on what is essential. Emotional intelligence enables them to develop more profound and more productive relationships with others. Instead of becoming judgmental and avoiding those who feel different, they comfort and make them feel important to society. Despite being empathetic, these people are cautious when it comes to decision making, therefore avoiding agreeing to every person's motive.  

Apologetic and Forgiving

Another feature of emotional intelligence people is that they quickly understand their mistakes. They usually have the courage and strength to apologize even without errors, therefore, indicating value to a relationship. The same applies to forgive and forget, even in the most resentful situations. As such, having emotional intelligence provides a mind that readily forgives and free from your emotions from those who hurt you. 

Being Helpful

As emotional intelligence entails understanding and managing your emotions and that of others, then helping them becomes part of what the ability accompanies. As one of the most significant rewards to others, helping becomes a habit to these people, and they never tire or discriminate against others. However, they help each person in need without asking too many questions. As such, it helps those who follow similar footsteps as well as building trust among people to help others.

Always Thinking About Feelings

Emotional intelligence primarily dwells on one's feelings which often change suddenly or slowly depending on the situation or environment. When an individual has a higher emotional intelligence capability, then he or she frequently thinks about different feelings and how it may impact others. They usually ask about common questions regarding their self-awareness, reflecting on everyday activities, and people who may be influenced by their emotions. As such, systematic thinking and learning about emotions provide insights used to their advantage in managing their feelings and that of others.

Benefit from Criticism

Nobody experiences fun when it comes to negative feedback, especially from people you trust and those close to you. However, these types of reputation are quite effective in life as they teach you a few lessons about a particular aspect. Besides, it enables you to learn more about how others think mainly about you and things to change and become better in what you do. Receiving these negative feedbacks may become a challenge to others, but those with the ability to check their emotions benefit a lot. With the use of emotional intelligence, these people can learn to manage their emotions and move around calmly without focusing on the thoughts of others.

Managing Emotions

People with Low Emotional Intelligence 

When low emotional intelligence people are faced with any negative emotion, they tend to become violent or rather more reactive when compared to those with high emotional intelligence. For instance, when an individual with low emotional intelligence faces negative criticism, they may initially go into denial and withdraw from a given group to avoid shame. They become lonely and prevent any form of help offered towards them. In some cases, others may opt to use substances to keep their minds active and evade others and what they are feeling. Others may harm themselves by cutting, starving, purging, or engaging in dangerous behaviors. The primary drive to these activities is influenced by a lack of control of emotions which are usually hurting, such as criticism.

People with High Emotional Intelligence

High emotional intelligence people have all it takes to absorb and express reasonably about how they feel about a particular sensation. For instance, when these group people are offended, they would initially pause before acting and think what their next word or rather the best harmless action to take. They would also acknowledge what the next person is feeling or have in mind before deciding on providing their contribution or conclusion of what will become. Thinking first is usually their first step to prevent escalating the problem or causing more harm to themselves and others. Another critical aspect of high emotional intelligence people is helping themselves and people affected by a given emotion. In this case, high emotional intelligence people act entirely different when compared to low emotional intelligence individuals.

Emotional Quotient (EQ) Vs. Intelligence Quotient (IQ) Emotional Quotient, EQ, is the ability of an individual to readily learn, understand, handle, and control his or her emotions even in the most resentful situations. On the other hand, Intelligence Quotient, IQ, is the measure of one's intelligence usually expressed in a number. EQ enables an individual to focus on emotions which, in turn, acts as a management system to different emotions which may become harmful to others. More so, it involves other people's emotions, and an individual can readily manage these emotions without the need to sympathize. IQ measures the degree of intelligence calculated from standardized tests created to analyze human intelligence.

Components of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is linked to different internal components of a person usually within the brain, which determines how one understands and controls emotions. In most cases, people who lack control of their emotions have been associated with mental problems. While others stating that lack of emotional control is attributed to the extent of the immediate feeling at hand. However, emotional intelligence has been proven to exist among different individuals and comprises the following components.

Self-Awareness

This is the ability to recognize and learn about your emotions as well as understanding the effects accompanied by your feelings. Becoming self-aware is determined by being able to monitor emotions, realizing emotional reactions, and identifying each emotion independently. Besides, you readily understand and figure out the interaction between your emotions and how you behave when that feeling occurs. That is, when you are an emotionally intelligent individual, you become aware of several aspects about yourself and others while keeping in mind about what is wrong and right. You can readily make a choice to do wrong or wicked despite how sad, angry, or hopeless you become. 

Self-awareness also builds the ability to determine the strengths and limitations for quick development of measures to avoid negative impacts to an individual and to others. As a person, you can get access to new information and personal skills; therefore, you learn from others. People with a sense of self-awareness are usually humorous, confident, and aware of the perception of others. More so, they understand what it means to be emotional despite being an everyday behavior. As among the primary components of emotional intelligence, self-awareness provides a complete guide to an individual to quickly learn what to do when facing a given emotion, which may harm both them and another person when mishandled.  

Self-Regulation

Another significant component of emotional intelligence is self-regulation, which entails the regulation and management of emotions. After becoming self-aware of your feelings and the accompanying impacts to others and yourself, you are required to have a governing force that enhances how you react during these situations. However, it does not imply that an individual has to lock away his or her real emotions and hide how they feel about others, but they should express them in an organized manner. That is, regulating how you express your feelings in an appropriate time and place.

People skilled in self-regulation are mostly flexible and quickly adapt to change as well as excellent in settling disagreements among people and diffusion of tension. More so, they are high in conscientiousness, thoughtful, and take responsibility for their doings. As a component of emotional intelligence, self-regulation plays a significant role in enabling an individual to quickly manage and handle all types of feelings, either positive or negative, without influencing others negatively.

Social Skills

Emotional intelligence also comprises of social skills which are the ability to interact with others correctly. Learning about your feelings and that of others, and being able to control is not enough to develop your emotional intelligence. Then, there is a need to implement these abilities into actions when interacting with others daily. When you indulge in daily communication with others and put into action this information, then you are at the forefront in managing your feelings and that of others. For example, managers in businesses have utilized the knowledge of social skills to interact with workers and clients, thus benefiting significantly in their careers. 

Empathy

Empathy is the capability of comprehending other individual’s feelings. It is also vital to emotional intelligence but provides more insight to an individual rather than recognizing the emotions of others. Empathy involves realizing emotions as well as reactions to these emotions, which primarily encompasses the help needed. For example, if someone is hopeless, sad, or emotional dependent, you are likely to sense these emotions and respond accordingly as if they are yours. You tend to provide extra care and concern, allowing other people to recognize power dynamics that influence relationships. Therefore, emotional intelligence enables you to become empathetic to others and give the needed support.

Intrinsic Motivation

Unlike others, people with emotional intelligence abilities are rarely motivated by external rewards, for example, richness, fame, or acclaim. These people usually work to meet their personal needs and objectives. They seek to ensure their internal satisfaction which, in turn, leads to rewarding their inner needs. Such individuals remain action-oriented by creating goals that are of higher standards and work to achieve. Also, they remain committed to performing their duties entirely when needed without failure. As such, the motivation allows for the achievement of essential goals in nearly everything they engage in no matter the complexity of the situation. 

More Emotional People 

More emotional people tend to have low emotional intelligence and therefore, become very reactive, especially on negative emotions. In this case, these people usually lack self-awareness, self-regulation, and other components of emotional intelligence. When someone is regarded as a more sensitive person, the chances are that they may become very reactive on occasions such as anger and become violent. When sad, they may end up becoming stressed, lonely, and eventually, being depressed. This group of people may, however, have some ability to control some of their emotions but limited knowledge about how they react to a given situation. 

More emotional people may, at times, face difficulties on how they interact publicly, henceforth, cannot sustain relationships. Some of the characteristic features of more emotional people include the inability to understand other people’s emotions, getting into arguments quickly, blaming others for their mistakes, and lack of empathy. Other features include difficulty sustaining friends, sudden outbursts of emotions, refusal to listen to other's views, and thinking people are usually oversensitive. More emotional people typically have no control over how they express their feelings or emotions. Therefore, they become too dependent on themselves without minding others.

Less Emotional People

Less emotional people are those individuals with the ability to control their emotions or feelings even when they are profound or negative. These individuals usually have a much higher emotional intelligence when compared to more emotional people. As highlighted above, less emotional people have the ability to suppress their emotions even in the states where these emotions seem unbearable. They may look calm and in peace even after a hurtful event. More so, they are relaxed and understanding and interact well with the general public, mainly with friends, family, and those close to them, such as coworkers.

When in an emotional state, for instance, these individuals typically respond to issues rather than react and understand the matter at hand. They are equipped with the five components of emotional intelligence as well as self-control and handle situations with their related selves. When faced with a more challenging situation, less emotional people rarely complain but work to find ways of solving the problem, which, in most cases, succeed with limited failure possibilities. As typical human beings, however, less emotional people also undergo similar impacts of negative emotions, but due to their emotional intelligence abilities, they readily get in control of their feelings and find ways to handle these situations without causing scenes. 

Emotional Intelligence History

Emotional intelligence, the ability to control emotions, originally began in 1964, where Michael Beldoch wrote the term ‘Emotional Intelligence' in the paper. In 1966, another article by B. Leuner, Emotional Intelligence and Emancipation also featured the term ‘Emotional Intelligence.' Howard Gardner again mentioned the term in 1983 with an effort to describe IQ and other related types of intelligence. In this case, Gardner stated that various kinds of human IQ at the time failed to detail cognitive ability which, henceforth, introduced emotional intelligence in his study. Subsequently, the term began being used in multiple papers, journals, and thesis such as A Study of Emotions: Developing Emotional Intelligence written by Wayne Payne in 1985. 

The term ‘Emotional Quotient, EQ' surfaced in 1987 in an article written by Keith Beasley, which introduced a similar meaning to emotional intelligence. In the late 1980s, different models emerged to prove emotional intelligence in the context of controlling human feelings. Among them include the one created by Stanley Greenspan in 1989, another by Peter Salovey, and John Mayer in 1990. The term began becoming among the most commonly used. In 1995, the book, Emotional Intelligence- Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Goleman, was published. 

As such, the term became more popular in the 1990s with several models being developed by different scientists. However, emotional intelligence, like most findings, has received several critics, especially on its role in the business sector and the development of leadership skills. More advanced research in emotional intelligence entails the trait and ability of emotional intelligence. Trait emotional intelligence remains considered as a generic behavior passed from parents to offspring. Ability emotional intelligence is the practice learned by an individual, henceforth, gaining the technique of controlling their own emotions.  Immagine che contiene persona, tenendo, mano, piccolo Descrizione generata automaticamente

Chapter 5: Importance of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is linked to various aspects in one’s life if not all. It can, therefore, be said that it can be linked to our careers, job performance, and even our success. The following are, therefore, the various ways which have depicted the importance of emotional intelligence:

Emotional Intelligence and Job Performance

Recently, there has been a rise in emotional intelligence awareness in management-focused literature together with leadership training summits. This gives us an indication that there exists a very strong relationship between job performance and emotional intelligence. It not only proves to exist but also has depicted an array of value in different areas. One’s workplace is a representation of a social community that is very separate from their personal lives. This is also a place where increased appreciation of emotional intelligence has been on the rise allowing people to have an understanding of themselves and even others, be conversant with hard situations and communicating in a more effective manner. This, therefore, means that employing emotional intelligence at your workplace might greatly improve your personal and even other individuals’ social capabilities. 

Emotional Intelligence entails management of emotions which improves job performance, which in turn helps people to stay calm and think logically thus establishing good working relationships and achievement of goals. Apart from that, there is an evident relationship between emotional intelligence and how senior employees manage their juniors. A manager who has got a high emotional intelligence is well conversant with the stress management skills and also how recognize and manage the stress in other people. Therefore, if we put emotional intelligence in the stress management perspective, then the relationship between job performance and emotional intelligence is crystal clear. This is because one’s commitment to their job is highly and positively impacted by stress management. 

In many instances, emotional intelligence usually applies to all kinds of employees and not only those at the management level. The employees that are at the lower rank in the hierarchy of an organization and have a high emotional intelligence usually have got desires and abilities to establish and maintain good relationships at the workplace. Apart from that, these individuals are good in management and resolution of conflicts. This, therefore, means that they have the capability of sustaining relationships that exists in the workplace as compared to those with either low or moderate emotional intelligence. In the current job market, many organizations are undergoing revolution and changes in different sectors. This has made organizations to have the need of employees who can easily cope up with these changes and respond to them easily. This indicates that emotional intelligence is an important factor in job performance in both group and individual levels. This thus clearly describes the way in which emotional intelligence is of value.

Emotional Intelligence and Resilience

Emotional intelligence has proved to be a valuable tool in adversity as it has the potential of enhancing not only teamwork effectiveness and leadership abilities but it is also an important tool in enhancing personal resilience. The impact of emotional intelligence on the resilience of a person is the ability of that person to cope up with situations that are stressful. It has been clearly demonstrated by research that a person who has got high emotional intelligence usually easily overcome stressors and their negative impacts. 

Focusing on leadership, a leader is usually expected to have increased responsibilities which usually are accompanied by potential stressors. In such a case, it is important for the person to have strong emotional intelligence in order to be resilient and battle with these stressful conditions. From research where investigations were done into the link existing between emotional intelligence and stress, it was found out that people who showed high emotional intelligence levels were not negatively affected by stressors. These participants did an emotional intelligence ability-based test before the threat level that was posed by the two stressors was rated. After that, they reported their emotional reactions the stressors before being subjected to physiological stress to also assess their responses. The findings of this research showed that emotional intelligence has a relationship with lower threats. This study, therefore, provides us with a valid prediction that stress resilience is facilitated by emotional intelligence. 

From further research done, the relationship between high levels of emotional intelligence, the tendency to depressive behaviors and resilience was drawn. It was established that there was a positive correlation that exists between mindfulness, self-compassion, and resilience with the rate of burnout. In conclusion, individuals who have got high emotional intelligence levels were more resilient and could not easily fall into depression or burnout. Emotional intelligence has a strong link to the individual’s advancement and also their performance. Evidence also suggests that there is a significant link between their resilience and their motivation to achieve. Apart from that, it also made a suggestion that resilience acts as a mediator between self-motivated achievement and resilience. Resilience, in this case, has got a perseverance component that acts as a motivation to motivation when facing obstacles. From the various research findings and theories, we have seen a strong relationship between emotional intelligence and resilience. We have clearly seen how one’s emotional intelligence levels affect their resilience. This, therefore, has proved emotional intelligence to be very important.

Emotional Intelligence and Motivation

Emotional intelligence is a key component for motivation which in turn is very vital in the achievement of success. An emotionally intelligent person will always have an understanding of what they aspire and the necessary motivation skills that they would need to achieve these aspirations. There are four elements that are said to make up motivation; how we commit ourselves to the goals we set, how ready we are to utilize opportunities, self-drive to improve and how resilient we are. Motivation is said to be a psychological process that which we use to psyche ourselves into action in order to realize a desirable outcome. It doesn’t matter the action we are doing, whether dedication of much time to work on a project or just changing the TV channel using a remote, without being motivated we cannot act. 

This is because motivation energizes, arouses, sustains and directs performance and behavior. The motivation that usually comes from within, also known as intrinsic motivation usually drives us to the achievement of our full capability. A person who is emotionally intelligent has got both skills required to motivate themselves and those needed to motivate other people too. This is a very useful skill to possess especially if you are in a management position in your job. Self-motivation is the key to the achievement of one’s goals. With self-motivation, emotionally intelligent people will always be capable of impacting the motivation of employees. The ability to determine the emotions and needs or concerns of others is a great skill to possess in relation to the determination of perfect methods of motivating individuals and teams. 

From a study and research did, it was found out that the emotional intelligence of a first-year graduate was positively linked to their self-motivation to studying the respective course and choosing that course. Another study of senior employees with very high emotional intelligence found out that they are good in arguments, have good behavior and great work outcomes. It, therefore, means that a happy employee is a motivated employee. The capability to be conversant with anxiety and stress is a very useful emotional intelligence tool when it comes to motivation. From the above studies and research findings, it is clear that emotional intelligence plays a major role in one’s motivation. Since motivation is a very vital tool in our actions, then emotional intelligence is also very important.

Emotional Intelligence and Decision-Making

Emotional intelligence plays a key role in both professional and personal development. It not only has an impact on the way in which we handle our behaviors and control our social complexities but also the approaches we take in decision-making. Having an in-depth understanding of the emotions you feel and the reason as to why you are feeling them can heavily impact your decision-making capabilities. This, therefore, means that if we carefully look into our emotions, then we can avoid making misleading and misguided decisions. Emotional intelligence is a very vital tool required in the prevention of making poor decisions based on our emotions whereby lower emotional intelligence can make you anxious and result in you making a poor misguided decision. This does not imply that we should keep emotions aside when making decisions but discovering these emotions which might not have any relationship with the problem and ensuring that they do not influence the decision that you are going to make. Negative emotions can be a stumbling block to decision making and problem-solving in either your workplace or even personal circumstances. Being able to recognize emotions that are becoming a stumbling block to making rational decisions and being able to effectively ignore the emotions will prevent their negative influence on your decision. This, therefore, means that decision making at this stage will be much favored as it will not be negatively influenced in any way. 

From research done through observations and administering a series of questions, it was discovered that people and organizations reaped big benefits from a practical application of emotional intelligence in making decisions. This study had the aim of improving emotional intelligence awareness and how emotional intelligence skills can be employed in decision making. From the observations, it was discovered that having training sessions on emotional intelligence is one of the most effective ways to incorporate decision-making skills and also helps you to understand the possible consequences of poor decision-making. 

Having an understanding of the causes and possible consequences of emotions gives you the freedom to manage and make a decision about the feeling. For instance, if you have an argument with your spouse the go to work without resolving it you will probably stay angry the whole day. Being angry at work, your colleague might make an offer to you but you dismiss it without even paying attention to it. This is a kind of emotional interference that can be very dangerous to your decision-making. If you have high emotional intelligence, then you can be able to identify this form of emotional interference and manage it thus avoiding making decisions that are emotionally driven. This, therefore, means that emotional intelligence is vital when making decisions.

Emotional Intelligence and Success

There are things which mean different to different people. As happiness is so is a success which everyone has a different version of defining it. But no matter how success is defined, it is clear that emotional intelligence plays an important part in its achievement. From history, most intelligent individuals are usually not attributed to greatest successes. This is because IQ is not sufficient on its own to enable one to succeed in life. In regards to this, you can be the most intelligent person but if you lack emotional quotient, you may fail to turn down people with negative thoughts about you and even manage stress. This shows that emotional intelligence is sometimes even more powerful as compared to IQ in life success. Your emotional intelligence is the actual thing that helps you to achieve your life objectives and realize great successes. Therefore, developing emotional intelligence would influence your achievements through contribution to your morale, cooperation and most importantly motivation by a great margin. In a workplace, the managers and employees who perform well as compared to others usually employ strategies that are associated with emotional intelligence in the management of conflicts, reduction of stress and thus achieving their goals. In the recent past, there has been blooming evidence of a range of activities said to constitute emotional intelligence are now vital in determining success.

This refers to success both in the workplace and also one’s personal life. It incorporates applications that we associate with in our daily lives in relationships, businesses, and even parenting. Emotional intelligence guides one to easily manage their emotions in situations that are likely to provoke anxiety. These situations include when taking examinations at the university. It is also positively associated with success in social functioning and personal relationships. 

In social relationships, success achievable with the employment of emotional intelligence skills to determine other people’s emotions, then adopt their emotional states and thus regulate the way they behave. This briefly shows how important emotional intelligence is in achieving success in the different spheres of life.

Emotional Intelligence and Communication

One’s ability to have the knowledge and understanding of their emotions might aid them to be aware and understand the feelings that other people are experiencing. This has got an impact on the way in which we communicate in our daily lives. 

Considering communication in conflict resolution in the workplace, people with great emotional intelligence levels would most probably approach the conflict in the most reasonable way possible and negotiate together with others to finally come up with a reasonable outcome. On the contrary, a person with lower levels of emotional intelligence will not be able to solve the conflict in a reasonable calm manner thus might even end up without a solution at the end.

In the workplace, relationships are usually affected by the manner in which we can manage our emotions and also understanding the emotions of those around us. The capability to do this helps us in communicating without necessarily resorting to confrontation. If you have high emotional intelligence, then it is beyond doubt that you are equipped with conflict management skills and thus you will be able to put up a meaningful relationship guaranteed capacity to understand and address needs of those they engage with.

In recent years, emotional intelligence has been able to receive much attention that drives effective communication within individuals and even teams. On close examination of emotional intelligence as a reason for team success, you will find that it does not only do it drives the viability of a team but also affects communication quality in a positive way. 

Achievement of successful communication in relation to successful negotiation and conflict has a very close relationship with high emotional intelligence levels. In this case, individuals with lower emotional intelligence would be so defensive in such stressful situations. This will instead escalate the conflict instead of managing it. If you have high emotional intelligence, then this means that you have got the necessary skills to ensure effective communication without resulting in a confrontation. From this, we can easily derive the importance and great contribution that high levels of emotional intelligence add to the achievement of effective communication.

Emotional Intelligence and Happiness

Just like any other word or feeling, happiness seems something easy but actually getting to understand it is when you will realize that it is a hard nut to crack. This is because different people have got different instances and experiences that they describe them to mean happiness to them. Truly, happiness means different to different people but undoubtedly, emotional intelligence is a great requirement to have despite the kind of interpretation you prefer. Happiness is an emotional intelligence facilitator that contributes to each and everyone’s self-actualization which positively impacts our happiness. 

From a study where the relationship between different interpersonal relations and emotional intelligence was examined, it was discovered that individuals with high emotional intelligence scored highly in self-monitoring, social skills and taking empathic perspective. Apart from that, they also scored highly in affectionate relationships, satisfaction in relationships, and cooperation with their partners. 

Emotional intelligence skills are very important when it comes to reducing stress, thus, in turn, will positively impact on one’s happiness and wellbeing in general. Apart from the motivational value that it possesses, happiness acts as a monitor to the wellbeing of an individual. It is also a source of a positive mood to the manner in which the person copes up and meets daily needs, pressures and challenges. 

Positivity is what actually encourages the emotional energy required in the increment of an individual’s motivational levels which is responsible for getting things done. It actually helps one to be successful in what they are doing and even gets to the extent of telling them the extent of success they are actually achieving. From a study done by Furnham, it was realized that a large section of variance that is evident in the wellbeing and happiness of a person is determined by their emotional intelligence levels. This refers to their ability to stabilize their emotions, social competence, and even relationship skills. Although these emotional intelligence skills are not the only source of one’s happiness, it is very vital to realize that they contribute and impacts our happiness up to 50%. This, therefore, prove it to be a very vital thing which should always be put into consideration. 

Happiness has, therefore, proven to be closely linked to emotional intelligence if the research and studies detailed above are to go by. A person with high emotional intelligence will have the necessary skills to dodge any obstructions that might act as a hindrance to happiness. On the other hand, an individual who has low levels of emotional intelligence will not be able to cope up with these obstructions and end up always sad and stressed up. This thus proves emotional intelligence to be vital.

Emotional Intelligence and Goals

In life, each and every person has got goals and achievements that they hope to achieve someday in life. In order to achieve these goals, there are various conditions that usually impact it either positively or negatively. In this case, emotional intelligence also plays a key role in the achievement of these goals. Emotional intelligence will drive you to realize self-actualization which requires you to first get motivated. In order to have the motivation, you will need to be happy with whatever you do. This is because lack of happiness will challenge you in pursuit of the motivational levels that are required to achieve your goals. 

In order to realize success and eventually achieve your dreams and goals, there is a need to employ emotional intelligence skills. If you have high emotional intelligence levels, you will definitely perform excellently in what you are doing in all aspects. The effectiveness of a person or a team in a certain process directly reflects their emotional intelligence skill level. Those with high emotional intelligence levels will perform well while those with lower intelligence levels would perform dismally and might never achieve their goals.

If we want to produce best results in what we do and achieve the goals we might have set, then all we need is a positive self-regard, effective skills to solve problems, skills to make informed decisions and informed self-awareness. All these are directly attributed to one’s emotional intelligence. This, therefore, means that our levels of emotional intelligence dictate if we will achieve our goals or not. Low emotional intelligence will see you fail and never achieve the set goals. On the other hand, high emotional intelligence levels with required emotional skills are very important and they will positively contribute to the achievement of your goals in life.

Chapter 6: Mind Control  

Mind control sounds like a devious plot in a movie, but you have most likely experienced it many times a day for many years and never noticed it.  Mind control, or the idea of thought-reform, is a controversial theory and practice, but one that does not necessarily mean tricking and scheming.  As a matter of fact, mind control can be as simple as subliminal suggestion used to steer one in the direction you want rather than the direction they were going autonomously. 

There are many schools of thought in regards to mind control, but for this book, let’s look at a common example of mind control to start.  Color, smell, sight, sound, and taste are used on the consumer by every company selling a product to advance their customers and sales.  When you enter your local grocery store, often there are fresh cut flowers at the entrance.  Now, how often have you bought those flowers? Chances are, never, if maybe a time or two because you forgot a special occasion.  Grocers use the presence of these flowers as a means of manipulating the subconscious of their customers.  Fresh cut flowers are, well, fresh.  Ripe.  Pleasant.  They subliminally convey they thought of freshness, and your local grocery store wants you to be thinking about all the fresh produce they have waiting for you.  More often, these grocers make more on the sale of their fresh produce over name brand canned and frozen produce, and if you buy the produce they have available, more of your dollars go in their pocket as opposed to mass production companies. 

Every day, you are exposed to one form of mind control or another.  Product placement on television and in movies.  The music you hear in a store or even an elevator.  Friends that are so convincing, you can’t help but agree, or you find yourself always saying yes to them. 

Re-education is a very optimal, but controversial tool in mind control.  The ability to re-educate another person’s previous thought process or beliefs is possible, but can take time.  At the heart of re-education sits repetition.  I repeat, repetition.  By repeating the same belief, idea, or thought to another person, repeatedly, you are impressing upon them the change from their own ideas towards your own.  And this repetition leads to immersion in the idea or action you want them to follow.  Being immersed in an idea, the idea in question always being repeated, the idea or goal always being spoken of, leads to the individual re-examining their previous feelings about the issue.  Re-examining one’s feelings often leads to them coming to a new conclusion. Your conclusion.  You have just exerted a form of mind control on another individual, and now they agree with you. 

Priming an individual is another effective way to get what you want.  Some who see this activity negatively may refer to in as indoctrination, but the goal is not to necessarily start a cult.  You are just trying to get others to agree with you, and are trying to use all the available tools you possess to your advantage.  Priming involves softening a person towards you and your ideas, easing them into the thought that you know what is best.  Softening can include hours of conversation, empathizing with them and showing them that you care or love them.  You care about what happens, you understand them.  Once you have a foundation of trust through understanding and priming, soft persuasion towards the new idea, belief, or action can be introduced.  It is imperative that you have formed a mutual bond or respect with the person who you want to influence.  And it is a given that change takes time.   

A few techniques to help you on your path to persuasion using coercion may involve thinking for others, being specific in your logic and requests, creating a real sense of urgency, and stressing the importance of your goal or idea.  When presenting someone with a change in long held ideas or requests, thinking for them takes the pressure of deciding off them.  People often have enough on their mental plates as it is, you shouldn’t be asking them to take on more, especially when you can do the heavy lifting for them.  Explain exactly why they should see things your way, offering as many examples as possible as to the correctness to your idea, proof that what you want is not only right, but it is proven to be effective or accurate.  Once you have specifically lined out why they should agree with you, tell them what is next and why things need to be done your way.  Be friendly but as firm and confident in your pitch to them as you need be, and often discouraging questions until you are finished explaining your stance helps steer others in your direction.  They often forget their questions or objections as they listen to you explain what you want, why, and what you think needs to happen next to achieve the goal.  It is all about the goal. 

While on the topic of your goals and what you want to achieve, it is imperative to stress the importance of what you want to achieve.  If others are consistently being spoken with on how important the idea or goal is, and specifics on why it is so important, eventually they start to see your idea as more than just something you want, but an issue of utmost importance.  Your thought or goal becomes something more, and it should be more to you too.  It should be a movement.  A goal doesn’t have to be a social ideal to be a movement, you just need others to feel its importance as much as you do.  Everybody wishes to be on the right side of history, no matter how big or small the issue is.  And all it takes is someone to see your want as a matter that needs to be addressed or adjusted, and where there is one person who agrees with you, there are two, and more soon to follow.   

So, your idea, goal, or thought is now more than just something you want.  Other people want it too.  And it is not just important, it is imperative.  And it needs to happen now.  Creating a sense of urgency is another effective form of utilizing mind control techniques to your benefit.  Making urgent statements, or claiming that this situation is time sensitive will create an emotional response in those you wish to influence or persuade.  A specific deadline needs to be in place, but the idea that this can’t wait long needs to be an underlying sentiment.  The quicker you get other people on board, the more important you convince them your want is, the more urgent they believe things are, the less resistance you will run into.  Repeating equals results.  The more information backing your idea or goal people are given, the more likely they will let you think for them and just go with the flow.  The more urgent the matter is, the less time people have to ask discouraging questions or second guess their shift in ideas. 

Being consistent is the core aspect of implementing mind control techniques to get what you want.  Consistently repeating what you want, and be consistent when rejecting old ideas or goals.  Be consistent when speaking about what needs to happen, when and why.  These factors should be underlined, in bold print, repeated regularly, and the time sensitivity need to be stressed.   

There is nothing wrong with being a little pushy to get what you want out of your life.  Another great technique when using mind control is to ask small things of others, or asking for small changes in another’s ideas, and then expanding from there.  Let’s use a raise from your employer as an example.  If you want a decent increase in pay, don’t ask for your top dollar pay increase.  Ask for a small increase in pay based on your performance and loyalty.  Your boss will agree (considering you are worthy of the raise to begin with) and think that they got off cheap keeping you happy.  After you have reached the first step in reaching your ultimate pay goal, ask for more work.  Let your employer know you are more than happy taking on more responsibility.  You can possibly save them money if you are doing more work than before, they may not have to hire another employee to work weekends if you are willing to come in for a few hours on a Saturday.  Now, you have a pay increase, but you have more responsibility.  It only seems fair that you are paid a little more now that you are a more valuable resource for your employer to utilize.  It’s better they give you another slight pay increase to cover your knowledge and expertise in the workplace than bother trying to hire another employee to replace you.  You see how simple it can be? Now, that isn’t saying that you have a boss or employer this would work on, but if you are implementing the other tools you have in your fast-growing arsenal, you are now a very well-liked employee and co-worker who knows how to influence and persuade others to see things the way you do.  Your employer may dislike the idea of paying you even more than before, but sometimes it’s not just your work ethic that matters, sometimes it’s what you bring to the table for everyone you encounter. 

It is not easy to say no to someone who you feel a debt to.  The final technique of mood control we should consider is generosity.  You should always strive to give more than you take from others.  When you give more of your time, your effort, your attention, to others, they appreciate it.  They remember it.  And, when the moment comes that you want something in return, it is much harder to say no, or disagree, or refuse to cooperate with another who has freely offered up so much to them.  Even in circumstances or changes others may not want to agree or get on board with, if they know that you have been offered the same courtesy by you previously, they find it hard to go against you.  It falls back to persuasion, influence, and reciprocation.  Most often, those that you have committed your time and attention to will return the favor.  Even if you are met with resistance by someone who you have given to, a gentle reminder of what you have done for them is often all that is needed to get them on board with what you want.  Sometimes it isn’t the loudest voice in the room that matters, but the most consistent and softest from the individual who has done the most to help others.  That soft but firm voice can be yours, you only need to take your opportunities as they present themselves. 

Who uses mind control?

Media Producers

Just as our five senses are our guides in life, they can also be our enemies and traitors. Our sense of sight and the visual processing areas of the brain are very powerful. We almost always dream visually, even if another sense is missing, and we usually picture someone we are remembering rather than associating some other sensory input with them. This makes imagery and visual manipulation a particularly powerful technique of media mind control.

Traditionally, media production was in the hands of companies and institutions. These manipulative entities were able to pioneer the use of visual, subliminal mind control. Examples include split-second pictures of a product or person inserted into a seemingly innocent movie. Such split-second images, which the person perceives as nothing more than a flash of light, are able to take powerful control of a person's emotions. They have been used as recently as 21st century Presidential elections.

Sound is another way in which a person is vulnerable to undetected mind control. Both experiments and personal experience will confirm this to you. Have you ever loved a song until it stuck in your head? How easy was it to get rid of? The sound had a powerful influence over you, even though you knew it was present. The power of audio manipulation is even greater when it is undetected. Experiments have shown that if restaurant customers are exposed to music from a particular region, they are more likely to order wine from that country. When questioned, they had no idea that something as simple as sound had steered their decision.

Lovers

People are always a product of the environment they are in, whether they want to be or not. The way people are raised directly affects the way they act in later life. Someone who is raised by alcoholics has a greater chance of becoming alcoholics in adult life, or they may choose never to drink at all. People who are raised in a house where everything is forbidden may cut loose and go a bit crazy when they are finally out on their own. People who are raised in total disorganization may grow up to be totally obsessive about household cleanliness.

Nurture affects people in other, less severe ways, too. Many people believe that Mom’s meatloaf is the absolute best and no other recipe exists. People come from different religious and economic backgrounds. People have different beliefs about what is good and bad, what is acceptable and unacceptable. The problem comes when two people are trying to have a relationship, but neither wants to change their way of thinking. When that happens there is no relationship. There are just two people living together under the same roof.

Achieving success in love is just like achieving success in anything else. It is mostly a function of developing good relationships with other people in order to be better able to influence them. Those people who are successful in creating and keeping good, mutually satisfactory relationships with others usually enjoy much more success than people who do not do this. The ability to grow and maintain satisfactory relationships is a trait that is easier for some people. But even if the ability does not come naturally it is easy enough to learn. And Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) makes this skill easier to learn by offering tools and ideas to enable almost anyone to learn the ability to develop great relationships.

Sales people

If a salesperson asks a regular customer to write a brief endorsement of the product they buy, hopefully, they will say yes. If someone asks their significant other to take some of the business cards to pass out at work, hopefully, they will say yes. If you write any kind of blog and ask another blogger to provide a link to yours on their blog, hopefully, they will say yes. When enough people say yes, the business or blog will begin to grow. With even more yesses, it will continue to grow and thrive. This is the very simple basis of marketing. Marketing is nothing more than using mind control to get other people to buy something or to do something beneficial for someone else. And the techniques can easily be learned.

Writers

Think of writing a guest spot for someone else who has their own blog. By sending in the entire manuscript first, there is a greater risk of rejection. Begin small. Send them a paragraph or two discussing them the idea. Then make an outline of the idea and send that in an email. Then write the complete draft you would like them too use and send it along. When asking a customer for a testimonial, start by asking for a few lines in an email. Then ask the customer to expand those few lines into a testimonial that covers at least half a typed page. Soon the customer will be ready for an hour-long webcast extolling the virtues of the product and your great customer service skills.

Everything must have a deadline that really exists. The important word here is the word ‘real’. Everyone has heard the salesperson who said to decide quickly because the deal might not be available later or another customer was coming in and they might get it. That is a total fabrication and everyone knows it to be true. There are no impending other customers and the deal is not going to disappear. There is no real sense of urgency involved. But everyone does it. There are too many situations where people are given a totally fake deadline by someone who thinks it will instill a great sense of urgency for completion of the task. It is not only totally not effective but completely unneeded. It is a simple matter to create true urgency. Only leave free things available for a finite amount of time. When asking customers for testimonials be certain to mention the last possible day for it to be received to be able to be used. Some people will be unable to assist, but having people unable to participate is better than never being able to begin.

In Education

By educating impressionable children, society essentially teaches them to become “ideal” members of society. They are taught and trained in certain ways that fulfil the desires of the government and authorities, and most people don’t even think twice about it. 

Advertising and Propaganda

By putting advertising and propaganda everywhere, those in control are capable of eliminating people’s feeling of self-worth and encourage them to need what is being sold, as opposed to just wanting it. This is essentially a subliminal strategy to make people feel poorly about themselves so that they will purchase whatever is being advertised to increase their feelings of self-worth. 

Sports, Politics, Religion

The idea of these strategies is to “divide and conquer”. Ultimately, each one has people placed into various categories, where they feel very strongly. As a result, they don’t come together and support one another, but rather they are against each other. This means that they are divided, and so the authority can conquer.

Chapter 7: Mind Control Techniques

It’s interesting to see that manipulation has been around for a long time, and that is not a new or imaginary concept. Understanding what the art of persuasion is really all about is vital, to help you to deal with it. 

Here, we briefly look at the psychology of manipulation. This allows us to see where it might occur in our lives. It will also help you in identifying those who might attempt to manipulate you. It is not only about people who like to dominate. If we don't know it is happening to us, might be encouraged to act in ways that are incongruous to our normal personality and behavior. Learn how commerce can persuade customers into buying their goods and services. Recognizing such methods will help in dealing with the power of persuasion. 

We like to believe that we are individuals who make sensible choices. In our personal journey of life, we do not always have full control, and we don't always realize this. As children, we are influenced by our parents and have little control over how we are raised. Once in the education system, we are further manipulated. The teachers will tell us all about the social norms and what is expected of us in society. As adults, we are lured in by politicians trying to get their share of votes. Many are persuaded to vote for a party because of what they promise for the future, even if they don’t necessarily believe in their policies. This gives such politicians power, and their decisions will affect our lives. Are we in full control of our lives, or are we merely influenced by those who know all the tricks of persuasion?

Later on, we will look at how to deal with various manipulative methods, even sometimes covert. First, you need to learn to recognize when you are being manipulated so you can counteract it. 

Recognizing the Art of Manipulation 

What then, in our everyday lives, do we need to be wary of? 

Persuasive Language

The idiom that every picture tells a story is very true. Words can be so much more powerful as they inspire and encourage us, even to the point of manipulation. How many are the times you have been inspired by a good orator, whose daring speech motives you into action? Words even influence when we are lost completely in a great book. The art of words can be so influential in coercing us to believe something, even when our eyes tell us differently. Communication is a powerful tool, especially when it comes to making people do things. 

Advertisers and salespeople use language to convince their goods are just what we are looking for. Using words, such as: 

Affordable; Easy to use; Safe; Enjoyable; Time Saving; Guaranteed to last. 

Note how all these words make us believe they are confident in their own products. 

Politicians will use language, such as: 

“We” - to encompass you in their world. 

“Us” to make you feel a part of a team. 

These are all communication tactics to make us feel included, so therefore important. 

Bullies use language along with aggressive behavior, to achieve their own selfish goals. 

Criminal predators, such as psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, are all people who learn the use of persuasive language. This is a means to get their own way and gain control over another person. 

Techniques Used in Mind Control

Present day mind control is both innovative and mental. Tests demonstrate that basically by uncovering the techniques for mind control, the impacts can be diminished or disposed of, at any rate for mind control publicizing and promulgation. Increasingly hard to counter are the physical interruptions, which the military-mechanical complex keeps on creating and enhance. 

Education — This is the most self-evident, yet still remains the most treacherous. It has consistently been an eventual tyrant's definitive dream to "teach" normally receptive youngsters, subsequently it has been a focal segment to Communist and Fascist oppressive regimes from the beginning of time. Nobody has been increasingly instrumental in uncovering the motivation of present day instruction than Charlotte Iserbyt — one can start investigation into this region by downloading a her book as a free PDF, The Deliberate Dumbing Down of America, revealing the job of Globalist establishments in forming a future planned to deliver servile automatons reigned over by a completely taught, mindful exclusive class.

Promotions and Propaganda – Edward Bernays has been referred to as the creator of the consumerist culture that was planned principally to focus on individuals' mental self-portrait (or scarcity in that department) so as to transform a need into a need. This was at first imagined for items, for example, cigarettes, for instance. Nonetheless, Bernays additionally noted in his 1928 book, Propaganda, that "purposeful publicity is the official arm of the imperceptible government." This can be seen most unmistakably in the advanced police state and the developing native nark culture, enveloped with the pseudo-enthusiastic War on Terror. The expanding union of media has empowered the whole corporate structure to converge with government, which currently uses the idea of promulgation arrangement. Media; print, motion pictures, TV, and link news would now be able to work flawlessly to incorporate a general message which appears to have the ring of truth since it originates from such a significant number of sources, at the same time. When one moves toward becoming sensitive to recognizing the fundamental "message," one will see this engraving all over. What's more, this isn't even to specify subliminal informing.

Prescient Programming – Many still deny that prescient writing computer programs is genuine. Prescient programming has its causes in predominately elitist Hollywood, where the big screen can offer a major vision of where society is going. Simply glance back at the books and motion pictures which you thought were implausible, or "sci-fi" and investigate society today. For a nitty gritty breakdown of explicit models, Vigilant Citizen is an incredible asset that will most likely make you take a gander at "amusement" in a totally unique light.

Sports, Politics, Religion – Some may resent seeing religion, or even legislative issues, put together with sports as a technique for mind control. The focal topic is the equivalent all through: isolate and prevail. The systems are very straightforward: impede common propensity of individuals to participate for their endurance, and train them to frame groups bowed on control and winning. Sports has consistently had a job as a key diversion that corrals innate propensities into a non-significant occasion, which in present day America has arrived at silly extents where challenges will break out over a game VIP leaving their city, yet basic human issues, for example, freedom are chuckled away as immaterial.

Food, Water, and Air – Additives, poisons, and other nourishment harms actually modify mind science to make mildness and indifference. Fluoride in drinking water has been demonstrated to bring down IQ; Aspartame and MSG are excitotoxins which energize synapses until they kick the bucket; and simple access to the inexpensive food that contains these toxins by and large has made a populace that needs center and inspiration for a functioning way of life. The vast majority of the cutting edge world is flawlessly prepped for uninvolved responsiveness — and acknowledgment — of the authoritarian tip top.

Medications — we can equate this to any addictive substance, however the mission of mind controllers is to be certain you are dependent on something. One noteworthy arm of the cutting edge mind control motivation is psychiatry, which expects to characterize all individuals by their issue, instead of their human potential. This was foreshadowed in books, for example, Brave New World. Today, it has been taken to considerably assist limits as a medicinal oppression has grabbed hold where about everybody has a type of confusion — especially the individuals who question authority. The utilization of nerve tranquilizes in the military has prompted record quantities of suicides. To top it all off, the cutting edge medication state currently has over 25% of U.S. youngsters on mind-desensitizing drugs.

Military testing — There is a long history associated to the military as the proving ground for mind control. The military personality is maybe the most pliable, as the individuals who seek after life in the military by and large resound to the structures of progression, control, and the requirement for unchallenged submission to a mission. For the expanding number of military individual scrutinizing their influence, an ongoing story featured DARPA's arrangements for trans cranial mind control head protectors that will keep them centered.

Electromagnetic range — An electromagnetic soup encompasses all of us, charged by present day gadgets of comfort which have been appeared to directly affect mind work. In an implicit affirmation of what is conceivable, one scientist has been working with a "divine being head protector" to instigate dreams by adjusting the electromagnetic field of the mind. Our advanced soup has us latently washed by conceivably mind-changing waves, while a wide scope of potential outcomes, for example, phone towers is currently accessible to the eventual personality controller for more straightforward mediation.

Mind control is more common than most people think. It is not easy to detect because of its subtle nature. In many instances, it happens under what is perceived as normal circumstances like through education, religion, TV programs, advertisements and so much more. Cults and their leadership use mind control to influence their members and control whatever they do. It is not easy to detect mind control. However, when one realizes it, they can get out and start afresh.

Chapter 8: The Secrets of Neuro Linguistic Programming

Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP, as it is commonly referred to, is one of the most prevalent systems of mind control in the entire universe. It is applied by nearly everyone from politicians to marketers to media personalities, and it is very nasty to its main cores. John Grinder and Richard Bandler invented this famous method of mind control in the 1970s. It would later gain much popularity in the new age, occult, and psychoanalytic spaces back in the 1980s. Later on, in the 1990s and 2000s, NLP started to make inroads in the political, marketing, as the advertising markets. Over time, it has become so interwoven with the manner at which people are communicated to and even marketed. It is also very crucial to note that NLP has, to some extent, become a type of devilish and pernicious force in the entire global space, which has been studied by nearly everybody in the business spheres. Those who have mastered the techniques of this great dark psychology trait are known for owning a Rasputin-like capability of tricking persons into some incredible ways, nearly at all times. 

Neuro-Linguistic Programming is used today for a variety of different things. It can be helpful in helping people overcome issues like anxiety, PTSD, and fears. These are only a very few issues that Neuro-Linguistic Programming can help with. While some people use it for good, others use it for darker desires.

We would love to say that the only place you will find NLP is in your therapist’s office, however, we actually see it in everyday life. From your workplace to the ads on your social media accounts, you can actually see it everywhere. NLP does not only focus on what people say but more importantly focus on what people are doing. Our body language says more than our mouths ever could.

NLP has been under the debate of whether it is an actual science or if it is considered a pseudoscience. The debate still exists today, and it is hard to pinpoint this science due to the fact that it has not gone through the same rigorous testing as therapies such as CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

There is a pretty broad range of techniques used within NLP and this also makes it difficult to lock down which pieces actually work. There have been some studies performed and oftentimes the results were inconclusive. In some it appears as if NLP had made a true improvement in subjects with psychosis, instability, and other unwanted traits. Others worked on looking at its effectiveness to help issues like PTSD and anxiety. The results came back exceptionally varied.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming has been around for more than forty years. For something to be around this long and continue to be used throughout many people’s daily lives means there has got to be some validity to it, right? We see it used so widely on a commercial level and it certainly does have an impact.

It also has its place in the world of Psychology and Dark Psychology. Due to the fact that it is quite unstructured it is difficult to show true proof of its success. There are also a plethora of different idea and ways of executing NLP. For some, it is a very effective form of therapy that truly helps them lead better lives. For others, it may not benefit them at all. These people will need to look at more traditional therapies to work through their issues and lead a happier and mentally healthier life.

NLP History

NLP is, in a way, a method of mind control. It was developed by a team of people. However, the majority of the credit is given to, two California boys, John Grinder and Richard Bandler. In the 1970’s, they decided to combine the works of Virginia Satir, a therapist for families, Friedrich Perls, a psychotherapist, and a hypnotherapist by the name of Milton Erickson. They wanted to take the heart of linguistic therapy and improve it. Find the pieces that truly worked and make something better.

The three people that they studied were chosen due to the fact that they had better results with their clients than most others in their field. In fact, people found their success to be odd and uncommon. Naturally, inquisitive minds wanted to know what these people had in common and why their methods worked so well. They studied them in live sessions and via video tape.

NLP is subtle. When we think about normal hypnotherapy, we think about people falling asleep and acting out strange and silly acts. Realistically, it is used for much more meaningful purposes. For example, people use hypnotherapy to help them stop smoking or to deal with traumas of the past that may have not been coped with. NLP does things a bit differently. It is much more suggestive and not so in your face.

In the beginning, Neuro-Linguistic Programming was thought to be as helpful as products like “snake juice” from the days of the old west. However, as the seventies turned into the eighties it became more and more accepted. Businesses were jumping on the bandwagon to learn about it so they could, in turn, use it to help them gain profits from consumers. In addition, everyone from therapists to political figures started to want the information on this type of “programming”. It seriously started to blow up in terms of popularity.

Companies became interested in NLP because it can help them communicate more clearly. This helps to improve the performance of employees and the overall performance of the business. Businesses that use NLP have experienced better growth in their companies as a whole.

Not only can it help people become better negotiators it can also help them stay motivated. When you feel comfortable at work and you feel like everyone is giving it their all, it’s easy to build a solid team. Being a confident leader that pays attention to tone, body language, and verbiage will help lead to better success. Implementing the practices of NLP can promote growth for companies.

As people started to employ these tactics, they started to notice changes in their teams. Boosts in morale and productivity. Now we see NLP happening around us every day. This is not necessarily a bad thing as people that practice NLP tend to be more self-aware. In turn, they tend to make better choices that are made from rationality rather than emotions.

Pillars of NLP

There are four main points to NLP, they are referred to as the Pillars of NLP. They are Behavioral Flexibility, Rapport, Outcome Thinking, and Sensory Awareness. Each one is of equal importance as the others. Taking the time to look briefly at each one of these points gives a better understanding of NPL as a whole and how it can help you weed out the fakers in your life.

The first pillar is Behavioral Flexibility. Basically, this means to go with the flow. When people can see that the tactic they are currently using isn’t working and adapt their behavior it can have great results. Being able to quickly change your perspective will allow more people to understand you.

The next aspect we are going to look at is Rapport. Creating a good rapport with someone is simply getting them to trust you quickly. In addition, it is the ability to form quick relationships with people. It is easy to build rapport by using common language, being polite, and showing empathy. There are many ways to build a good rapport with a person, these are only a few.

Then we move on to Outcome Thinking. It is exactly what it states, spending the time to think about the end result of what you want. Oftentimes, people get stuck on a certain point that is commonly negative. It consumes the thought pattern and can make choosing the correct route to where you actually want to go difficult. With outcome thinking you are always working toward an end goal. This can promote better decision making along the way.

Lastly, we have Sensory Awareness. Being aware of the surroundings contributes to knowing what is actually going on. When you walk into a public place and you take notice of the tone of the room, the colors surrounding you, the groups of people, it can be very enlightening. It can also help you easily understand how you need to behave in that situation.

The more you learn about these four pillars the more success you will have with NLP. They are the foundation and anyone who wants to learn NLP will spend a lot of time on each one. Gaining more knowledgeable helps you apply what you have learned to your daily life and the more protected you will be from the ones that want to manipulate you, control you, or cause other burdens in your life.

NLP has grown and changed over the years. What started out as focusing on what people’s eyes were doing, the words they choose to use, and building quick rapport, turned into something much, much more. All sciences grow and change over the course of time and we imagine that this one will also continue to evolve.

After focusing on what the yes were doing, word choice, and rapport this therapy started to grow and focus on other aspects. In the 80’s, the people using NLP were focusing on what it is that causes feelings inside of us. This helped therapists to figure out how to help someone deal with their individual problems.

More and more people started using the techniques found with NLP but they wanted to put different names to it. To say they had come up with it all on their own. When it comes down to it, no matter what you call it, NLP is the same across the globe. Today, it is used not only to help you have control and choices in how you react, but it can also help you figure out what other people are up to.

The people in the here and now that are using NLP have a variety of different reasons for doing it. Some of it is to help themselves become better people while for others it is about weeding out the rats in their lives. Businesses use it in team building and marketing techniques. Here again, we can see how vast the world of Neuro-Linguistic Programming really is.

It has been said that people who study Neuro-Linguistic Programming live freely. They have the ability to access all different types of situations and make choices in how they choose to proceed instead of being led by instinct and emotion. How you think, feel, behave, and speak can all be choices you make that can help you lead the best life possible.

NLP can be used throughout your daily life in a huge variety of ways. Some common reasons that people start using this are that they want to motivate other people, have control over their emotions, conquer their fears, communicate more effectively, and find success in life. There are many other reasons a person would take an interest in NLP.

If you are unsure of who you can trust in your crowd NLP can seriously help. Understanding behaviors and actions of people can help to clue you in on what’s really going on around you. This falls into Sensory Awareness. It is startling what you can learn from looking at someone’s body position and paying attention to things like their tone of voice. People really do tell you everything you need to know with very little conversation.

Whether you are at your job or heading for a late-night party downtown honing these skills can keep you mentally and physically protected against predators. Knowing NLP techniques can also inform you when other people are using it for darker desires. Many people use these practices to become their best selves, however, others have more nefarious intent.

Obviously, when you can adapt in a situation and make well-thought out choices you are going to be more successful. There is less of a chance that people will be able to take advantage of you. In addition, you will be able to better understand the people in your life. Weeding out the keepers from the trash is simpler when you can read the situation accurately and adjust so that you are working toward your desired outcome.

How Does it Work? 

NLP may seem like enchantment or spellbinding. During treatment the subject dives deep into their oblivious personality and filters through layers and layers of convictions and discernments to wind up mindful of an involvement in early youth that is in charge of a standard of conduct. NLP takes a shot at the rule that everybody has every one of the assets they have to roll out positive improvements in their very own life. NLP strategies are utilized as a device to encourage these changes. 

NLP Therapy can be sans substance. That implies the specialist can be viable without thinking about the issue in incredible detail. Consequently the specialist need not be told about the occasion or even the issue, in this manner guaranteeing protection for the customer. Other than this we likewise have a non-exposure understanding in which the communication between the customer and the advisor is kept secret. 

NLP puts stock in flawlessness of nature in human creation. Henceforth NLP urges the customer to perceive their tangible sensitivities and use them to react to a specific issue. Indeed, NLP additionally accepts that the brain is fit for finding even fixes to illnesses and infections. 

NLP procedures include noninvasive, medication free treatment that enables the customer to find better approaches for managing enthusiastic issues, for example, low confidence, uneasiness, absence of certainty, ruinous relationship designs (adapting to separation), and are fruitful inadequate mourning guiding. 

NLP has its underlying foundations in the field of social science, created by Pavlov, Skinner and Thorndike. It utilizes physiology and the oblivious personality to change points of view and consequently conduct.

NLP is simply the investigation of astounding correspondence both with yourself, and with others. It was created by demonstrating astounding communicators and advisors who got results with their customers. NLP is a lot of instruments and methods, yet it is far beyond that. It is a demeanor and an approach of realizing how to accomplish your objectives and get results.

Dark Traits of Manipulative People

Among the groups of the Dark Triad there is a conglomeration of personality traits that are oftentimes, seen in criminals. It is not a surprise to realize that most criminals have quite a bit in common. Taking notice to these dark traits is a great way of figuring out if someone has malicious intent toward you or not.

There are a variety of different dark traits that we see on an everyday basis. You may know someone who is very spiteful. Anyone that does something they don’t like will pay for it. Sometimes it will be petty retaliation, but it can explode into something much more dangerous, depending on who you are dealing with. Criminals tend to be spiteful, as they have malicious intent with their transgressions.

Another dark trait that you want to watch out for is egoism. When someone is so self-absorbed and focused on their own achievements that they will run everyone else around them into the ground, it is a major problem. Some criminals scramble their way to the top because of their giant egos and their ability to only care about themselves. Keeping an eye on a big ego can save you a lot of trouble, especially in relationships and business.

Have you ever met someone that had loose morals? You know that person that really doesn’t have much regard for if what they are doing is right or wrong. Someone that even when they know what they are doing is wrong, does it anyway, and then just laugh it off. This is a personality trait referred to as moral disengagement. Obviously, the ability to commit a crime and not feel terrible about it is something common among criminals a pretty dark trait.

Earlier we discussed Machiavellianism . That person that will go to any means to get what they want. They are the ones that are the masters of manipulation. The justification for what they are doing is always solid. When trying to track down criminals these are some of the hardest to catch as they tend to also be some of the smartest out there. Even experts of NLP can have a hard time locking this trait down.

Entitlement or Psychological Entitlement are also dark traits that we commonly see in criminals and everyday adversaries. Unfortunately, the world's sense of entitlement has gone off the rails. Nowadays, it is natural to meet people that have a sense of entitlement and this can make it difficult to use this trait in determining somebody's true intent.

Self-interest is another trait that you need to watch out for. We all have tendencies to be selfish, however, for some people it is to an extreme. They simply do not care what other people feel or want. This is commonly seen by people boasting about how much money they have or their status. In addition, their self-interest could be used to motivate them in gaining betterment in finances or society. Those that are self-interested also tend to be extremely manipulative.

Then we have the narcissist. We spoke of the narcissist earlier, but their traits are very common among criminals. They have a need for attention and commonly and inflated sense of self. They will go to great extremes to prove that they are better than those that are around them. This could be in how they look, how they think, or how they act. The narcissist thinks that their ideas are the best and therefore criminal intent goes hand-in-hand with the narcissist.

Psychopathy means that you are lacking in the ability to empathize with people. They have an extreme lack of concern where others are involved. This dark trait can also lead to a lack of self-control and extremely impulsive behaviors. Obviously, when thinking about criminals, this trait rings true for many of the extreme horrors we have witnessed in the past.

The last dark trait that we think needs to be discussed is sadism. A sadist is a person that likes to inflict pain. In fact, they take pleasure in causing other people pain. This does not necessarily have to be physical pain. In fact, many sadists find joy and completely tearing you down mentally. A wide variety of criminal classes fall into this category and it is a common trait that we see in many of the people that are committing heinous crimes.

Behavior Imitation

Behavior imitation is something that can be used for good and for bad. Oftentimes, as children, we mimic the behavior of the people around us. It helps us to learn social norms. In addition, it helps us feel like we fit in to the crowd. Many traditions have been built off of people mimicking other people's behavior.

As we continue to grow up, we continue to imitate people around us. Here again, it makes us feel as if we belong. Additionally, it can help us build relationships and understand the people around us more easily. While, many people use behavior imitation for the right reasons there are many others who don't.

Criminals who are socially awkward have a tendency of acting like the people around them. It can make it harder to discern the good guys from the bad guys. It is a manipulation tactic that works quite well when people don't exactly know how to behave appropriately. While some people are very good at mimicking those around them it will be quite obvious when others are trying to do this. Cases of extreme social awkwardness will not allow the person to genuinely behave like those that are around them. This can be a tip to seeing what they may have planned next.

Another way that behavior imitation is prevalent with criminals is when they idolize someone or something. They will change their very persona to reflect that of which they have admiration for. A good example of this are people that still follow the ideals of Adolf Hitler. The new generation of Nazis mimic the ways of old because they still believe his blasphemous thoughts to be true. This is truly scary behavior imitation.

Body Language

A person’s body language is one of the biggest tells in how they are feeling and what they may be planning. The way a person moves and behaves while in a conversation, out in public, and at home gives great insight to what’s happening with them at that particular moment. Those who work on learning NLP techniques spend a ton of time studying about body language.

Body language is how we speak without using words. It can suggest that you are happy, sad, open to conversation, or completely closed off from everyone. Not only is it shown through your actual body but also through your eyes. Paying attention to the eyes is also an important part of NLP. There are some truths to be found in body language that may not be what the words coming out of someone’s mouth are actually stating.

It has been found that we gather more information from a person’s facial expressions, eyes, and body language than we ever could from their spoken words. So, learning how to read body language can help you in just about every situation you find yourself in. Learning how shady people act can help you in avoiding unwanted issues.

When you first start learning about body language, you will be able to easily identify some emotions. Obviously, we all know what it looks like when a person is happy or sad. The signs of this can be seen easily but finding out when someone is anxious or uncomfortable can be a bit more difficult.

Studying non-verbal cues will take you to every area of the body. For example, slightly dilated pupils may not be from a bright light but may in fact be due to arousal. If someone is constantly biting at their lip it could be a sign of stalling or higher levels of anxiety in the current situation.

How a person is standing or sitting also gives us some clues as to how they are feeling. A person with their arms folded around them is less likely to want to be approached. Whereas, an open stance with your hands on your hips means you are likely in control of the situation or you may be aggressive. Learning these types of things can seriously help improve your ability to pick out a troublemaker in a crowd.

Ever been in an area and realized someone was acting kind of shifty? You know, like moving around the room frequently and during conversations they are unable to hold eye-contact. Your ability to notice these this is because most people have at least some basic knowledge on how to read a person’s body language.

Your posture also plays a key role in what your body is saying to other people. People who slouch and tend to wrap their arms around themselves are typical closed off. They may be feeling unwelcome or anxious. On the other hand, an open posture with your chin up and shoulders back is very welcoming. It shows that you are open to conversation, friendly, and approachable.

Not only does your body language help people decide how to approach you, theirs helps you decide about them. There is a plethora of different aspects to be considered with body language. The more you delve into NLP, the more pieces of body language you will pick up. It can seriously help when trying to identify those that are threatening and may have mal intent.

Language Imitation

Language imitation is another piece of NLP that should be taken into consideration. When we talk to someone, even if we speak the same language, it can be difficult for us to understand each other. Each individual has what is referred to as common language. Common language is simply the words a person uses frequently and understand better than others.

When you are in a therapy session or at work and you are listening to someone talk, understanding what they are saying can be hard. It can feel as if they are speaking in a different language. This doesn’t work well for anyone as the person listening is actually learning anything. This is a major issue and can cause massive detriment to a company or a person’s mental status.

Working to hear how someone talks, the phrases they use, and the tone that they have can help you succeed in language imitation. When you can speak in common language to the person or people you are addressing, you will be much more successful. Understanding will be promoted and what everyone gets out of what you have to say will be more beneficial.

Mimicking someone’s language is more difficult than mimicking their body language. The more time you spend talking with a person, the easier it will be to pick up on their vocal habits. Someone that is very good at picking up other people’s common language can be a danger if they have intentions of doing harm.

When we speak in a common language it promotes trust. Putting trust into someone that wants to use your language against you is obviously something you want to avoid. So, be careful when dealing with people that quickly change their voice to match those that are around them. The ones that pick up on little pieces of context and repeat them to gain sympathy, trust, or control. It may be hard to recognize, at first, but the more aware you become of your surrounding the easier this will be to spot.

Criminals tend to be good at this parrot like behavior. They understand that to get people to like you they absolutely need to understand you. If control is what someone is looking for this is a good place to start and get their hooks in. So, while language imitation can help you and your therapist or employees relate, it can also be used to manipulate situations in favor of the person using this tactic.

Chapter 9: Manipulation and Persuasion

What is Manipulation?

For many people, manipulation is a faraway phenomenon that happens to other people, and not to themselves. It is unlikely that you will be going about your day thinking about manipulation or worrying that others are manipulating you. Yet the truth of the matter is, manipulation is everywhere around us. It is in sales adverts that try to entice you to buy something that you do not need by convincing you that you do need it. It is in the puppy eyes of a lover or child trying to get something out of you. Manipulation is also at play when a passenger is trying to charm a flight attendant into getting a first-class upgrade. In short, manipulation is everywhere in your daily life. The only reason it goes unnoticed is because high chances are that you are not looking out for it. In many cases, it is often so subtle that even if you were looking for it, you would not notice it.

First things first, what is the textbook definition of manipulation? Merriam-Webster dictionary has various definitions for manipulation, among them: to manage or utilize skillfully; to control by unfair means in order to gain advantage and ; to change by unfair means in order to serve one’s purpose.

Well, if you are reading this book, high chances are that you’re likely tired of having lost control and wish to have it back. Or maybe you’re tired of hearing no and want to hear yes more regularly. This book will not be a manual on how to use manipulation to hurt or lie to others. It is more of a handbook on how to make the most out of your social interactions for your own benefit and possibly for the benefit of the people around you. It is not an encouragement to be deceiving to others, but rather a tell-all on the manipulation signs you have been missing and how you can take back your own power in your life.

How Psychology Correlate with Manipulation

Three psychological conditions that are associated with manipulation are narcissism, psychosis, and sociopathy. Before talking about how the different ways manipulators might attempt to influence others, we’ll give some background on these underlying psychological conditions. 

A narcissist suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD. As is true of many psychological measures, NPD can be seen as existing on a spectrum; people might have it to differing degrees.  

The overarching characteristics of NPD include the following: 

• A grandiose self-image that might exaggerate the sufferer’s importance, talent, or achievements. 

• A lack of empathy for other people. 

• A strong need for admiration from others. 

• Unrealistic fantasies of power, achievement, success, or idealized love. 

• A belief in a unique or special status that can only be understood by an elite few. 

• An expectation of special or deferential treatment. 

• A general attitude of arrogance. 

• An envy of others or delusional belief that he or she is subject to the envy of others. 

• A willingness to exploit or manipulate others. 

Obviously, this last characteristic is the most relevant to our purposes, but most of the others point towards the basic psychology of narcissism that so enables manipulation. The strong egocentric framing, the delusions of grandeur and the lack of empathy lead to a personality perfectly willing to pursue self-interested behavior at the expense of others. 

Within the broader category of narcissists there is a spectrum of subtypes that ranges from exhibitionist narcissists to closeted ones. There are some who are unapologetically abusive and vindictive and others that are thoughtful and capable of remorse. The more fully a narcissist conforms to the above list of characteristics, the more likely they are to be considered a malignant narcissist; one capable of inflicting harm. 

Antisocial Personality Disorder, or APD, is the clinical diagnosis for sociopathy. Like narcissism, sociopathy tends to be a long-lived condition, often permanent, and has extensive effects. To meet the clinical definition, an APD sufferer must demonstrate a conduct disorder by the age of fifteen which includes at least four of the following characteristics. 

• Inability to maintain consistency in work or schoolwork. 

• Ignored social norms. May engage in illegal behavior. 

• A casual disregard for safety concerns, either concerning the self or others. 

• Irresponsibility, as seen on the job or in a failure to honor obligations of a financial nature. 

• Difficulty in maintaining monogamous relationships for over a year. 

• Impulsive and lacking in ambition or planning, tending to proceed without clear goals. 

• Easily irritated and aggressive or violent. 

• A lack of concern with honesty. This might be demonstrated by continuous lying, conning people, reneging on debts, or using aliases.  

These first two categories are similar in both their positive and negative characteristics. Either can be intelligent, charismatic or successful. At the same time, narcissists and sociopaths can both be controlling, irresponsible, and proceed with an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Both can be abusive and both tend to refuse to take responsibility for this behavior. They tend to produce justifications for their worst behaviors. On a core level, both tend to lack empathy, although they may be able to fake empathetic reactions when it benefits them. 

Although they do have similarities, there are important distinctions between the two categories. In the Venn diagram of disorders, all sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists qualify as sociopaths. They differ in motivations. Sociopaths tend to be more cunningly manipulative, because everything isn’t personal for them. Narcissists are ego-driven, but for sociopaths, the ego isn’t a factor. They can, in fact, be viewed as lacking a real personality. They can inhabit any persona that is convenient to a given situation. This makes sociopaths harder to identify. Their tactics shift relative to a situation. They may try to win the approval of others, but only if it acts in service of their goals. They can perform humility, seeming to show remorse, but again, this is strategic and based on an agenda. Sociopaths act with a higher level of planning and calculation. Even aggression might be premeditated.   

Narcissists are more reactive. They may employ lies and attempt to intimidate, but are more likely to do it without a game plan, simply reacting to a situation driven by their overactive egos. A narcissist will work towards their own success or goal of achieving some measure of perfection. They are perfectly willing to exploit others as they pursue these goals, but the manipulation is secondary and directed towards personal interests and a self-centered worldview.  

Both personality types are motivated by their own interests, but only narcissists truly care what others think of them. The admiration of others is gratifying. This introduces a codependent aspect to their personalities, making them capable of being manipulated themselves.  

A third category of manipulative personality type worth discussing includes psychopaths. Psychosis is distinguished by a difficulty in distinguishing fantasy and reality. Sufferers may be delusional or hallucinatory. The following list contains common traits of psychopaths. While many of these are shared in our previous two categories, remember the important distinguishing factors defining psychosis. 

• Exaggerated sense of self worth 

• Fleeting or shallow emotions 

• A lack of empathy 

• Unwillingness to accept responsibility for actions 

• Inability to form realistic long-term goals 

• Impulsive behavior 

• A lack of responsibility 

• Inability to control behavior 

• Superficially charming and glib 

• Being conning and manipulative 

Psychopaths tend to mislead and manipulate others through dishonestly and a superficial charm that can come off as glib. Psychopaths may mislead in order to gain advantage or they might be motivated to deceive and abuse merely for their own amusement. Some simply cannot resist these negative impulses. Typically, psychopaths have developed these characteristics over the course of their entire lives. They have incorporated them into an often basically functional routine. Sometimes the traits are even externally reinforced to an extent. As a result, they don’t see these characteristics as problematic. In fact, people with high levels of psychopathy often are largely unconcerned with how they are perceived, exhibiting a willingness to demonstrate their fearlessness even if it means they will be overtly perceived as dominating. They also tend not to worry about the consequences of their actions on others. As they tend to have very little empathy, impacts such as these seem irrelevant. They do, in fact, feel that their motivations are of innately greater concerns than those of others. This contributes to a delusional regard of their own motives and actions, as if they served some higher purpose. The delusional nature of psychosis also contributes to the fact that psychotics often believe their own lies. Lying is natural to highly psychotic people, but that does not mean they are always conscious that they are lying. Their detachment from reality can lead them to feel and believe what they are saying even when it is motivated by conscious deception. All of these characteristics naturally contribute to a high correlation of manipulative behavior and diagnoses of psychosis. 

People with other psychological conditions or those who are in perfect mental health are perfectly capable of engaging in manipulative behavior under the right circumstances.

Persuasion vs. Manipulation

The line between persuasion and manipulation is so thin that it often gets blurry. Distinguishing these two concepts can often be difficult, especially depending on the circumstances and your own perspective as an individual. Persuasion and manipulation are alike in that in both cases there is someone trying to influence the decisions and behaviors of another. The key distinction between the two is that manipulation is seen to be highly driven by self-interest where one party is willing to go through any length to benefit themselves, including putting others in harm’s way. Persuasion on the other is the nicer cousin of manipulation--there is a desire to influence for self-interest but there is often a line drawn to mark boundaries. Persuasion is the more ethical way to go about it, many will argue. When all's said and done, however, the two concepts seem to intertwine especially depending on the techniques used to achieve either of them.

People always have different ideas of what words mean, but to be successful in manipulation and persuasion, you need to know the different ways these terms are understood as well as what we mean when using them in this book. In common speech, persuasion is considered a neutral word; of course, someone can be persuaded to do something that helps the persuader and not themselves, but the word itself does not imply that. Manipulation, on the other hand, tends to mean ill intention of the manipulator. 

The ethics of manipulation and persuasion are a topic we have explored throughout these pages, but know that for our purposes, persuasion is changing someone’s beliefs, while manipulation is changing someone’s actions. This is easy to remember, because NLP involves the neural pathways for both language (belief) and programming (action).

If you want your subject to change their behavior, you have to get them to change their thinking about their behavior. They are a thinking person just like you are, and while they have mental shortcuts that can get in the way (just like they can for you), your subject is entirely capable of talking through their judgment calls with you. In a conversation with you, they can come to re-evaluate their actions, and if you go through the conversation the right way, you will have the opportunity to convince them to change.

When it comes to manipulation, there is a slight difference from persuasion. The difference is that at some points, it is, in fact, the right thing to ask them to change their behavior directly. Now, you don't want to pull this out as your first move. This is something you build up to after a long conversation — after you accomplish steps zero and one, just as you do for persuasion. But the big difference between changing someone's ideas and changing their behaviors is here in step two: more often than not, you should directly tell them what you think they should do differently.

When NLP newcomers learn this at first, they are totally taken aback. They think, how could I possibly be told to tell them directly to change their behavior? But if you think through it a little longer, it makes sense. What is the difference between belief and behavior? Persuasion changes belief by getting close to someone's mind and changing what is in there, and manipulation is getting closer to their mind and changing what is in there, too.

But with manipulation, there is the added hurdle of getting them to follow up on the change in thought. While it is absolutely true that all of our behavior ultimately comes from our mind, our brains are still not simple masters of our actions. Rather, our actions are determined by multiple factors other than simply what our brain tells us to do. The reason you eventually have to ask your subject to change their actions directly is that for new behaviors, a change in thought is just not enough.

Your subject needs voices other than the one in their head, telling them what to do. They have the thought you got into their head through NLP; you are telling them directly, too. But there is still more you have to do.

Social bonds are incredibly important to human beings. If you want to manipulate someone's behavior, unlike when you persuade them into having new thoughts, these thoughts alone are not enough. You telling them what to do is not enough, even once they have recognized you as like them. If you want to change their behavior, next, you have to change the social environment of the person with the undesired behavior.

This is not a catch-all for manipulation, because nothing is. After all, not in every situation will you be able to change the social environment of your subject. If they are not friends or family, but rather a co-worker, this could prove much more challenging. It is only fitting since manipulation is a more difficult and complicated task than persuasion.

But if this is a person whose social environment you have some control over, you have to determine what social factors are leading to undesired behaviors. Is there another family member enabling their drinking or drug use? This is the most prominent example, but all of it is emblematic of the NLP manipulation framework in general.

All of this is to say that when you are not in control of a person's social environment, directly telling them what action they should take is a necessary and challenging part of the process. It is so challenging because there is no way around it, and it is also very easy to do the wrong way.

You have to work hard not to work too hard for them. If they can see how badly you want them to change their behavior, they will want to continue acting the way they do out of spite. Don't give them this opportunity.

Recall how with persuasion, we said never to address objections to your frame. In fact, if at all possible, you don't want to address the frame itself. That's because if you address the frame itself, you are acknowledging the fact that it is not the naturally-occurring reality that you want your subject to see it as. However, with manipulation, the situation is different than it is for persuasion. 

With manipulation, you have to respond to objections directly, because you have to tug harder than you do with persuasion. You see, persuasion is a subtler, quieter art than manipulation. This is a direct way of saying that manipulation is loud and aggressive, because it is not. 

But you can't be quite as gentle with manipulation. You want them to change their habits, so in order to get your subject to understand the gravity of the situation enough to trigger the behavior change, it is necessary that you are slightly pushier than you are with persuasion. Again: don't be pushy, but you can't be as subtle as you are with persuasion.

Even when you deal with their objections, you are better off preparing for them before they come up. When you are ready for any question or complaint your subject can haul at you, it is a signal to them that you are like them, you see things from their side, and perhaps, you know better. This is Step One yet again. If you demonstrate that you are like them and can reason things out better, they will listen. You are almost ready to get into the techniques of manipulation, but before then, you need to get into the personality of the NLP manipulator. 

You might think that you are born with a certain personality, and you can't do anything to change it, but this couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, the kind of personality you should adopt to get people to do what you want is one that anyone can learn.

Why is learning this personality so important? Well, it's important because you need to seem like you are positive about what you are saying. If you seem even a teensy bit unsure in any of your speech or your body language, nobody is going to buy what you are selling. That's why in your body language, dress, facial expression, tone of voice, and words, you need to pull off the personality of someone who knows what they are talking about. 

They have the answer to your question; they know what's what. If you can pull off that personality, you basically don't have to do anything else. Personality is everything — don't forget that.

Personality is so important because no matter how unlikely something seems on the surface, if it comes out of the mouth of the right personality, people will believe in it. You have to believe in what you are saying to some extent if you expect to pull this off, so don't think you can playact your way through the whole thing — after all, you are not doing the personality right if you are unsure about the merits of what you are saying. But more important than anything you say is the personality you are displaying while you say it.

Not everyone has this naturally, but it is not nearly as hard to learn as you might think. The right place to start is always your breathing and your posture. You already know what the right posture to take is — stand up straight and without shaking. Now, take deep breaths like for your state control exercises. Just like before, don't breathe loudly. Breathe deeply but not in a way that anyone can tell is unusual.

The third and final thing you have to do is enter the headspace of this unshakeable personality. Everyone has experienced a moment where everything was going right for them, and that is exactly the place you need to go. Revisit that memory as though you were there again right now, and come back as the person you were in that memory. 

The world is at your fingertips just like it was back then, especially if you carry this person inside of you. That person is necessary to succeed in manipulating people's behavior in the techniques coming up, so be sure you have your personality ready before reading. You won't be able to pull these off otherwise.

Chapter 10: Characteristics of Manipulators  

Use of Language 

We have shown how powerful language can be, as a prime tool of persuasion. There is more to the manipulative controller though than mere words. They will use tactics that mislead and unbalance their target’s inner thoughts. We now understand that through language, they will:  

• Use mistruths to mislead and confuse their target's normal thinking pattern.  

• Force their target to make a decision at speed, so they don’t have time to analyze and think. 

• Talk to their target in an overwhelming manner, making them feel small. 

• Criticize their target's judgment so they begin to lose their own self-esteem. 

• Raise the tone of their voice and not be afraid to use aggressive body language. 

• Ignore their target's needs, they are only interested in getting what they want and at any cost.  

Invasion of Personal Space

Most of us set boundaries around ourselves without realizing we are doing so. It is a kind of unspoken rule to protect our own private space, such as not sitting so close that you are touching another person, especially a stranger. A manipulative character cares nothing about overstepping such boundaries. Whether this is because they do not understand, or they do not care is unclear. Initially, they are unlikely to invade their target's personal space. They will seek to build up a good rapport first. This shows that they do understand boundaries because once they gain the confidence of their target, they will then ignore them. 

Fodder for Thought 

Manipulators tend to be very ego-centric, with limited social skills. Their only concern is for themselves. Everything they do in life will be in relation to how it affects them, not how their actions affect others. Does this mean that they have a psychopathic disorder? 

Take empathy for instance. Controlling manipulators are unlikely to ever show empathy. Empathy is a natural human emotion that aids in our survival techniques. A study by Meffert et al. indicates that those with a psychopathic disorder are able to control empathetic emotions (4c). They lack sympathy of any kind because another weakness is simply another tool for them. When they detect any weakness in their target's resolve or personality, they will exploit it. The consequences to their victim are of little importance. The targets weakness's feed the manipulator's strength, making them bolder and often crueler in their actions.  

Creating Rivalry 

Another tactic of the controlling manipulator is backstabbing. They may tell you how great a person you are to your face, making themselves look good.  Behind your back, they are busy spreading malicious gossip and untruths about you. This is a classic trait of a controlling manipulator as it creates a rivalry between people. Then, they can pick sides that will make them look favorable, particularly to their target. It can act as the first stage to getting close to their target. Once bonded, they can start to build up trust, making it easier to manipulate the target in the future. If you recognize a backstabber, keep them at a distance. Their agenda is selfish so it is better not let them into your personal life. There is no point treating them as they treat you, in revenge. It will turn out to be exhausting playing them at their own game. If they know that you are on to them, they may attempt to lure you back with praise, remember that it is false.  

Domineering Personality  

It is unlikely that a manipulative person will outwardly show any form of weakness. An important part of their facade is to show conviction about their views. They seek to impress, believing they are right about everything. Almost to the point that if they realize they are wrong, they will still argue that they are right.  On a one-to-one level, that invariably means that your position is always wrong. As they will chip away at your beliefs, they seek to undermine your sense of self-esteem. Once they have achieved this, then there is no holding them back. They seek to domineer others, often speaking with a condescending tone to belittle their victims. Using ridicule is yet another tool against their target, merely because it will make themselves look better. If you ridicule them back, they will seek to turn the tables, accusing you of being oversensitive to their “joke.” The type of joke that the teller is the only one seeing the funny side.  

  Passive Aggressive Behavior 

A common trait of many hard-core manipulators is passive aggressive behavior. Because they prefer to be popular, they do not wish to be seen as doing anything wrong. Not that a manipulator would ever admit to doing anything wrong. They are experts with facial expressions that are meant to dominate and intimidate. This may include; knitting eyebrows, grinding teeth and rolling eyes. It may also include noises such as tutting and grunting sounds. It is a very common behavior for such a character, as there is little anyone else has to say that they will agree upon. For most manipulators, it is their life’s ambition to show people up by proving them wrong. This can range from the confrontational look, where they seek to stare their target down. Or, it could be in response to their disagreement on something their target said. They may smirk and shake their head, turn their back, anything to show their strong disapproval. It is all a ploy to make themselves look superior and put others down. 

Moody Blues 

What of emotional stability of the manipulator? Is it that which makes them behave the way they do? Do they even know what happiness is? The answer to that is a most definite yes, at least to the latter.  

Happiness is a tool used initially to help them manipulate, a happy target is more likely to comply. This, in itself, makes the manipulator happy, or at least in a sense of what they consider happiness. But their joyfulness is a perverted model of what most others consider happiness to be. Their happiness is often built on the foundations of another’s misery. A misery that they have caused with their cruel manipulations. Equally though, a manipulator is prone to mood swings. Most likely to happen when things are not going to plan. One minute they are euphoric at their latest conquest. Then next they could be completely deflated at their failure to succeed. One thing is certain for those who live with or become a target of this type of domineering character, they will be unhappy all the time. 

Intimidation 

One aspect of manipulation, often used as a last resort, is intimidation and bullying. When everything else has failed, they begin to use threats to get their own way. Some though may use intimidation from the onset. It may in a source of authority. For example, let's take the role of a manipulative boss. You have requested a day off. They don't want to allow you your request but have no choice, it is your right. This type of person would want their pound of flesh first. They will set goals for you to reach so it will delay or cancel your request, such as moving project deadlines forward. This way they have their little victory over you.  

Alternatively, such a manipulator may use the tactic of the silent treatment. Ignoring someone to the point that it becomes obvious you have displeased them. They seek to make you feel the guilty party.  

Other more direct intimidating actions may include stance. Using their height or build to tower over you, or standing uncomfortably close. Be careful as they will seek revenge for wrongdoings they perceive done to them. Nothing will go unnoticed under their watchful eye. Everyone is a potential target. But, the weak are more likely to walk into their traps, because they are the ones who are easier to dominate. The vulnerable will have little resistance and are easier to bully and coerce. Many of these traits seem more fitting to men, but women can be cruelly manipulative too.   

This is a person who will never back down in an argument. Never admit they are wrong. Never apologize for anything. A manipulator will never show respect but will expect everyone else to show them respect. They love nothing more than to embarrass others. Playing the dumb one is common practice, just to force another person to explain themselves further. At every opportunity, the manipulator will jump in with some sarcastic remark, “hurry up, we’re all waiting for your intellectual explanation,” or “why has no one else ever heard of this?” Their sole aim is to make the other person look a fool, but without seeming to be the one who made it happen. Oh no, the victim did that to themselves because they are stupid.

Techniques of Manipulation

The approaches we can use to manipulate someone’s behaviors are so numerous that they themselves could fill an entire book. Thankfully, this chapter explains the most valuable approaches with more than enough detail for you to start employing them yourself. 

Take note of how each method depends on your knowledge of dark psychology and NLP — without them, you can’t begin to use them reliably, and that’s why this is just one part of manipulation and persuasion. Our first method has been coined as “fear and relief” — in this method, you evoke someone else’s fear, and then relieve them by telling them there is still something they can do.

As usual, we want to remind you of the importance of considering ethics with manipulation. If you aren't comfortable doing it, you should consider whether you should be doing it in the first place. Just because something is going to benefit you, doesn't mean it's something you should do.

That said, using fear and relief is not an unethical thing to do in every situation, even though it is not everyone's cup of tea. 

The technique of manipulation works just as you think it would — first, you talk with your subject like you always would. You start out with your state control; that way, you are ready for whatever reaction they give to this tactic. Next, you get closer to them. Despite the name, as you can see, fear is not the very first thing you start with. If you literally started with fear, they wouldn't trust you in the first place, and the relief would mean nothing to them. Perhaps the better name for this method would be the peace, fear, and relief method.

Peace is where Step 1 takes place. Match up with their unconscious brain language just like you always do for NLP. After that, you bring in the step of fear. You don't jump scare them, but rather you give them the impression that something bad is going to happen. What you say for this depends on what you are trying to get them to do. Whatever it is, it has to be bad enough that they will be convinced to change what they were already going to do. The key is they have to think it is important enough for them to change their actions.

There is another key part of it too, however. Your subject needs to be relieved very soon after they were made to be scared, because otherwise, they will just associate the fear with you. Your subject associating you with fear will make Step 1 much harder in the future, so it's very important that you don't let this happen. Relieve them as soon as you can, and don't let them think you scared them on purpose. This will preserve their positively-valenced idea of you, but still, put that fear into their head to get them to change their behavior.

You cannot neglect the thinking side of manipulation. It is still very much necessary, because without it you wouldn't be changing their minds in the first place. To begin with, we have to go back to frames and their structures.

We already talked about the importance of adaptability with frames with persuasion. That is still completely true with manipulation, so keep that in mind. We just don't want to repeat all of it when you just read it, so go back over it again if you need to. But with manipulation, you need to take the structure of framing into greater consideration than you did before. 

That's because if you want someone to change their action, rather than thought, it takes much more drastic measures. You need to directly ask them to change their behavior, but you also need to more directly get them to confront their ideas.

What is the structure of a frame? On a basic level, the structure is that of cause and effect. The cause is what is happening in the outside world, and the effect is how it affects the subject. Before you get your subject to change their behavior, they have a certain idea about how their actions affect them and other people.

Your job as an NLP manipulator is to show them how their current framing of cause of effect is wrong. When you change someone's framing, this is called Deframing. Deframing is a crucial part of manipulation, because remember, you need to take drastic measures by getting someone to change their behaviors. 

If they are thinking the same way they were before when you are done with them, they aren't going to change their behavior — just like there is no chance they are changing their behavior unless someone tells them they should directly. If no one does, they will never even stop to consider the idea that this is something they should do.

Don't forget that manipulation is a matter of both thought and action. While persuasion was all about getting into someone's mind, manipulation is still about that, but it now has an added element of action. And if you want to get someone to change their action, there is a new idea you will have to learn. It is called behavioral tone.

Behavioral tone is a lot like one's emotional intensity, but it is the intensity of one's actions. Don't get the wrong idea, here, because you don't want to scare anyone. But you don't have to scare anyone to come off as a strong person.

Being a strong person is what becoming a confident personality was all about. If you have this kind of personality, everyone will listen to you. But more importantly, for the matter of manipulation, people will do what you say, as well.

If you want people to do what you tell them to do, as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. People don't think logically in the way that everyone acts as they do. Instead, they are driven by a number of factors. And one thing that will get them to change their ways every time is a strong personality shaking things up in their life.

These chapters are rife with information, and it can probably be overwhelming if you consume them all at once. For this reason, we absolutely recommend coming back to them. But even though it wouldn't cover everything we have been through, we will summarize the basics of manipulation before we move on to mind reading.

Manipulation requires more overt means than persuasion because getting someone to change their behavior is no subtle matter. People's minds are easy to change without their ever knowing, but changing their actions requires changes on multiple fronts, and the mind is only one.

If people, you should try to change their social environment to stop their undesirable behavior. But if that is not possible, you need to emphasize how it is all on them to change their behavior; you need to tell them directly what you think they need to change; finally, you need to use the fear and relief method to make them see what bad things could happen if they do not change.

Now that you are clear on the landscapes and techniques of persuasion and manipulation, it is time to dive into the world of mind reading, psychic resistance, and more.

Signs of Manipulation As It Is Used In Today in the World (Practical Examples)

Manipulation happens in all kinds of relationships in our society. It happens between lovers, between pastors and their following, and politicians manipulate us as well, among many other relationships. In this section, we review the signs of manipulation in different relationships.

Churches

Manipulation in the church can occur in both ways. The people in the church leadership can manipulate their followers and vice versa. It is sad since most of us look at the church as the source of your peace. Most of us go for spiritual nourishment when we feel down from the church. How sad can it be if the church can be the source of your pain? Let us look at how the pastors can manipulate their followers.

1. Lack of open and honest conversations

In some churches, you are not allowed to ask questions. If you find yourself in such a situation, you are met with excuses or dismissal on not getting the information. It is okay when there are concerns not to divulge information that will interfere with the privacy of other members. The leaders should take responsibility for their actions and always be ready to explain to the members why there are certain rules. Church information should be open to its members, and there should be transparency.

2. Leaders never admit their mistakes

We can forgive our pastors for making mistakes. After all, they are human beings, but it is difficult to forgive them when they fail to communicate. Yes, I know what the Bible says about forgiveness, but remember, I am a human being too. When leaders refuse to admit to their mistakes and are always spinning their actions to fit those of a perfect Lamb of God, they create a difficult situation. You should watch out for some recurring defensiveness in your church's leadership. You should also watch out if the church is masking some of its mistakes.

3. They use shame as an influence mechanism

Some churches in our community use shame to influence their members. They will shame their members for giving little money, shame them for missing the service and shame them for their actions. Even with no knowledge of the world, the Bible is clear that to those who belong to Christ, there is no condemnation.  Remember, none of those in the church leadership will sit on the judgment seat at the end of the world. Some act as if they have the final say on who will enter the gates of heaven. They will use the carrot and stick theory to manipulate you.

4. They are selective

First of all, you should understand that God created us all equally, and He accepts us the way we are. In some churches, they will restrict you to dress in a certain manner, they will choose people of a certain color, and they will force their members to follow some stipulated rules for them to fellowship in that church. The church should not have superficial lines but should be an all-inclusive place. The church should emulate Christ, who embraced all the rich such as Lazarus and the prostitutes, such as Mary Magdalene. Do not get me wrong; rules and regulations are important to run any organization but rules created to exclude a certain group of people in the wrong. Church leaders should know that they are servants.

Now I do not want you to think that pastors are evil for such actions above. You might find that some are not even aware of these manipulative actions, but others do it intentionally. Flipping the coin, pastors are also prone to manipulation. The church members can do it without the pastors realizing it. All the same, neither of the manipulations is acceptable. Let us look at the other side of the coin and find out how the church members can manipulate their pastors.

Compliments

Compliments are good as they encourage us and make us feel good. Now some members may use compliments to manipulate you. They will seek to influence your decisions in the church’s agenda through flattery. You should watch out for such signs, as they are as bad as using criticism to bully another. 

Criticisms

Well, you can never avoid criticism, especially if you have a leadership role. During conversations, some members will criticize your actions using their tone and sometimes body language. Always follow the church’s rules and regulations and the teachings of the Bible. Be gentle when responding to such scenarios, and you will settle the manner amicably.

Silence

They tell us that silence is the best tool to silence manipulation, but it can also be a sign of manipulation. You find members giving you the silent treatment to control you. The pastor should be aware of this and should not carry the burden but instead should pray for the members.

Prayers

Pastors should take caution with the people they share with their burdens. They should protect themselves and their families from over-exposure. They should find trusted friends to share with their challenges, and even then, they should choose what is important to share and what is not.

Families

Manipulation happens in all kinds of relationships. It can be intentionally used or unintentionally, but in the end, the other party ends up doing something they did not want to do in the first place. In our homes, parents can manipulate their children, and the children can manipulate their parents as well. Children have an early exposure at an early age that they can get what they want through tantrums and when you give in, they get control. Away from the children. Now, what are the signs that teens are manipulating their caregivers?

1. Steamrolling

Teenagers make endless and repetitive requests that are meant to wear out the caregivers to get their way. They will use the ‘can I’ ‘how about now’ language all the time. The act like a broken record that keeps playing the same song repeatedly. 

2. Lying

Teenagers love to tell little white lies or omitting some parts of the truth to get what they want. They leave out some details if given, would change your affirmation to their request. Most of them also collaborate on the small lies in case the parents communicate; they will have the same information and allow them their request.

3. Retaliation

Most teenagers do some hurtful things to retaliate for not getting their way. They will not clean their room; they will dress inappropriately, they will put on loud music; all these as an attempt to get even with you. It is difficult because you cannot yell at them to stop since they are no longer children, and most caregivers end up giving in to their demands to avoid these hurtful actions.

Caregivers can as well manipulate their children, and it is bad since the children are in their developing age, and it makes their life difficult. Briefly, let us look at the signs that a caregiver is manipulating the child.

They do not give the child security and affirmation

They are always critical.

The caregiver always demands the attention of the child.

The caregiver makes toxic jokes about the child.

The caregiver does not allow the child to express their negative emotions

The caregiver scares the child.

Politics

Politicians engage the emotional system of your brains to get political mileage. They use fear, disgust, and anger and never compassion or hope. Politicians never inspire us to work together for the common good of us all. They use anger, fear, and disgust to manipulate how we vote. They influence how we feel about other candidates and their policies. Most of us are never aware that we are being manipulated.

Informing you that the turn-out will be high

Politicians will tell you that they turn out will be high to motivate you to go to the polls. If they told you that the turnout would be low, most would not turn out since it depresses the efforts to go out and vote.

Public shaming

The politicians will never shame you publicly to safeguard their reputation and their votes, but they can use other means to make you feel bad for not voting. You would get ads and letters asking you what your relatives and friends would think of you if you did not vote. It will push you to vote.

Making promises or threats to follow up with you

It is natural for human beings to do things in the right way when their actions are under observation. In the 2010 US election, some people received a letter to encourage them to vote. Others received the same letter, but with an addition that they will be called to share their voting experience. It brought more voter turnout than the previous general election.

Chapter 11: Hypnosis  

Hypnosis can occur with or without the person’s knowledge. If a person knows they are being hypnotized, they may be more aware of what is going on, but they are still susceptive to manipulation. 

Hypnosis is a technique which alters a person’s state of consciousness in order to make them highly suggestible to behaviors which they would not normally exhibit. It has been used historically in everything from parlor shows to intense psychotherapy and is subject to a great deal of skepticism. In the realm of dark psychology, hypnosis could be used to cause the subject to act on another’s behalf or otherwise behave in a way abhorrent to their normal state of being. Because people in a state of hypnosis are often hyper-focused on the task they’ve been given, they are driven to complete that task no matter the consequence.

Hypnosis is used for many different reasons, and it can be used for positive change as well as negative change. Hypnosis has several elements, and they may or may not be present in different iterations of the hypnosis process. It starts with an induction. Remember in cartoons, when they have the illustration of the swirling visual effect, and some head-wrapped mystic is holding a watch with the swirl in front of a person’s face? This cartoon depiction is what is known formally as the induction process. 

The induction process is when a person is actually trying to change another person’s state of consciousness. In order to make the person more suggestible and influence-able, hypnosis uses an actual transformation of the state of consciousness. In order to think about this, you can think about a person who is typical and awake, a person who is paralyzed but otherwise capable, and a person who is in a coma. There are many gradations to the state of consciousness that a person is in. The person who is being hypnotized is not paralyzed, but they are closer to that than normal consciousness. Normal consciousness allows the person to have too much stability and defenses. The state that is induced in hypnosis is one where a person does not have all their defenses in play. 

After the induction process has been successfully implemented, then the person can be told what to do or what to think. Since the person who is being hypnotized has their defenses uncovered and weakened, they are able to take instructions without question. 

One method that works in NLP as a tool for hypnosis is anchoring. Anchoring is when a hypnotist uses something very familiar to you to bring you to that induction space where you are very suggestible. It might be a nursery rhyme, it might be a name you were called when you were younger, or it might be a song. This works to engage your subconscious, and it tricks you into thinking you are safe and allowed to be engaged in the suggestions. 

Another NLP –based method for hypnosis is the NLP Flash. The flash works by switching the reward to punishment, or the punishment to a reward. So, if there is something that you like to do which you are trying to stop doing, like smoking cigarettes, the hypnotist will make you think about a cigarette, and then they will make you experience something very uncomfortable, like an electric shock or some other kind of physical or emotional pain. This is a very dark method and can have very deep implications. 

Hypnotism can be a very strong way to persuade someone against their will. It may not be as secretive as the other methods of persuasion, but it can be used without your knowledge. 

The next major method of Dark Persuasion is manipulation. Manipulation comes in many forms; what we will talk about here the most is manipulation in interpersonal relationships. Manipulators have many methods, but some of the major ones will be discussed in the following paragraphs. 

The first is putting down the other person. The manipulator often will have to be very sneaky about this technique. Obviously, if there is someone who puts you down, you will not like them, and you will start to avoid them. So, the manipulator often starts out as a close friend or a confidant. They build trust in the relationship before diving in. Then, at some point, they will start to disparage the other person in what they do, how they look, or other parts of their personality. The manipulator often knows exactly how much they can push buttons, and they know how far they can go before being recognized as a manipulator. Along with their technique also comes the making the other person feel guilty. The manipulator makes the other person feel like they have wronged them, rather than the truth, which is that they are being tricked. The manipulator will make the person feel like they have some sort of debt to the other so that they enter into a sort of pact where there is inequality. Ultimately, what happens is that the manipulator puts the person down, which makes them feel bad about themselves, and it makes them feel like they don’t deserve to stand up for themselves. 

Another technique of manipulation is lying. Lying may be one of the more straightforward techniques of the manipulator. They will use excuses and complete fabrications to get other people to behave the way they want to. Lying is something that can start small and morph into a larger problem. The manipulator knows how to keep a person stuck in their web of illusions. Overall, they create a larger illusion of what the “truth” is. They try to create something that appears true to the manipulated person. The lies might have to do with any number of subjects. If the manipulator wants money, they might lie about how poor they are, and make themselves seem broke and desperate. If they want loyalty, they might make up lies about how important the other person is to them. If they want a job, they might lie about their experience in that field and make it sound like they are very successful. If they want sex, they might lie about a whole host of subjects. 

Chapter 12: Brain washing  

Now that we know where brainwashing started, let’s look at the definition of the term. Brainwashing can simply be defined as a process where a person or a group of people make use of some underhand methods to talk someone into changing their will to that of the manipulator. When discussing this topic, it is important to delineate between honest persuasion and brainwashing, as there are several ways that people persuade one another these days, especially in the field of politics.  

A very easy way that people persuade others to conform to their will is by stating a few things that could typically induce a yes response from the target. They then use some statement of facts as the icing on the cake. At the end, they state what it is that they want people to do. For example, consider the speech below: “Are you tired of paying exorbitant fares for your child's schooling? What about the rising prices of gas and power supply? Are you concerned about the constant riots and strikes? Well, a good point to recall that the government has mentioned the country is gradually drawing close to recession and that the prices of fuel will continue to rise as they are seeing the greatest drop in the economy since the end of the civil war. If you want the country to change for the better, vote democrats." The truth is that you may not want to agree with the fact that these are brainwashing techniques which may come off as subtle persuasion and that they are techniques in the hands of manipulators.  

Some of the common manipulation techniques that you should watch out for include: 

Isolation:   

When trying to brainwash a person, one of the first things usually done is the isolation of the victim from their family, friends and loved ones. This is to ensure that the victim will not have any other person to talk to besides the manipulator. So, the victim will get all their ideas and information from the manipulator while avoiding any likelihood of a third party stepping in to ask what is going on. 

Attack on the victim’s self-esteem:   

Since the manipulator has successfully isolated the victim, he must look for a way to break his will and self-esteem. They will then use the process to begin to rebuild the victim in whatever image they wish to.  The only way a person can be brainwashed is if the person manipulating them is superior to them. This attack on the person’s self-esteem would manifest in the form of intimidation, ridicule or mocking the victim. 

Mental abuse:   

The manipulator will try to brainwash their victim by putting them through a phase of mental torture. They will do this by telling lies to the victim and making them feel embarrassed by telling them the truth in front of other people. They can also bully these victims by badgering them and not leaving room for them to have any form of personal space. 

Physical abuse:

Manipulators understand there are many physical techniques that can be used to brainwash the victim. These techniques include depriving the victim of sleep and making sure that they stay cold, hungry or causing bodily harm by exhibiting violent behavior towards them. The manipulator can also make use of some much more subtle ways like increasing the noise levels, making sure that there is a light that is always flickering on and off or raising or lowering the room's temperature. 

Playing repetitive music:   

According to a study, if a person plays a beat repeatedly, especially a beat that has a range of about 45 to 72 beats each minute, it is possible to introduce an extremely hypnotic state. This is because repetition is much closer to the rhythm that comes from the beat of the heart of a human being. This rhythm, however, can cause an alteration to the consciousness of the person until they reach what is known as the Alpha state, which is where the person becomes 25 times more suggestible than he would ordinarily be when they are in a Beta state. 

Allowing the victim to only have contact with other brainwashed people: When the manipulator is brainwashing a person, they ensure that the victim does not encounter any other person/people besides those that are already brainwashed. This is to create room for peer pressure. The truth is that everyone desires to be liked and accepted. This is more prevalent when a person is a new member of a group. In such a case, the person will typically adhere to and promote things that the other members are saying which will secure them a space with their new company. 

Us vs. them:   

This also has to do with the possibility of being accepted by a group. The manipulator makes the victim feel like there is an “us” and a “them.” So, they are offering the victim a chance to choose the group they wish to belong to. This is done to gain absolute loyalty and obedience from the victim. 

Love bombing:   

This technique has to do with attracting the victim to the group through physical touch and by sharing some intimate thoughts with the victim. Emotional bonding is also used in this technique through a show of excessive affection as well as constant validation. 

All the above mentioned are a few ways to brainwash a person. Once a person is brainwashed it is usually very difficult to get them back to normal. They develop more rigid neural pathways than other people and this could be an indication of why it is always very hard for a brainwashed person to double check their situation by rethinking it once they have been brainwashed.

Chapter 13: Preventing Manipulation

Manipulation normally occurs when an individual is used for the benefit of others. It is a situation where the manipulator comes up with an imbalance of power and goes ahead to exploit his victim just to serve their main agendas. Those who are manipulative are the kind of people who will disguise their own desires and interests as yours. They will undertake all they can to make you believe that their own opinions are the objective facts. They will then act as if they are cornered. Manipulators will pretend to offer assistance so that you can improve your attitude, performance, and promise that they will assist you in improving your life in general. That is all that they want you to believe. The hidden truth is that the main aim of these people is to control you, and not control you, as they want you to believe. They are not interested in making your life better, but just to change you. They also want to validate their lives and make sure that you don’t outgrow them.

Once you have given these characters back to your life, getting rid of them will not be easy. They will appear to flip flop on issues and act so slippery when you want to hold them accountable. They also tend to promise you help that doesn’t seem to be near.

People can be easily manipulated when they opt to put up with behaviors that are passive-aggressive. According to a recent study that was published in the Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, offensive people tend to interfere with the general performance of an individual. The study also noted that ignoring those who are negative could do you more harm than good. When these people are ignored, the research states that their productivity and intelligence is increased. More than 100 participants were examined for this study. The participants were asked to ignore or talk with random people who had been earlier asked to either be offensive or friendly.

The participants were not aware of the kind of people they were going to meet. After interacting for about four minutes, each of the participants was offered a thought exercise that needed them to have a better concentration. The study later noted that those who ignored the negative individuals performed way much better than those who engaged the negative individuals.

The researchers then summarized that ignoring some people in a serious social interaction is one better way of conserving the mental resources of a person. The best strategy is to avoid those who are negative in their speeches and actions. But at times, that can’t be enough. A negative person can also be manipulative and sneaky at times. In such situations, you will be forced to apply other strategies.

The truth is that being manipulated is not a good thing. The only possible worse thing than manipulation could just be admitting our dirty little secrets. Each time we realize that we have been manipulated, we not only feel stupid but also ashamed and weak. And all that doesn’t stop there. If we continue to fall for the tricks that these people lay on us, they will leave us with an awful feeling about everything around us. Instead of being hurt for another time, the best thing to do could just be not to trust anybody.

Manipulation can only be successful if the target fails to recognize it or just decide to allow it. But regardless of all that, there exists certain things that you can do to recognize that you are under manipulative powers. They can also help you to prevent or stop a possible case of manipulation. Some of the ideas may not be desirable or possible for your situation, but that’s just fine because every situation and every person is totally different.

Know all your fundamental rights

One of the single most imperative guidelines, when you are in this similar situation, is to know all your fundamental rights. But that’s not all, you should also recognize when any of those rights are being violated. Remember that you are at liberty to stand up for yourself and make sure no single fundamental right is being violated. You should, however, do this carefully and make sure that you do not harm others. Again, you should not forget that you might forfeit these rights if you cause harm to other people. Ensure you are conversant with some of the basic human rights such as:

The right to be treated with dignity and respect.

The right to express one’s wants, opinions, and feelings.

The right to give no as an answer and maintain that without any guilty feelings.

The right to set up one’s own standards and priorities.

The right to take care and safeguard yourself from being emotionally, mentally, or physically threatened.

The mentioned basic rights show the extent to which your boundaries are supposed to reach. We are living in a society where people don’t represent any of these rights. The mental manipulators are particularly interested in depriving you of your rights so that they can fully control you and take advantage of you. However, you still have the moral authority and power to state that you are fully in charge of your life and not the manipulator.

Maintain a distance with these people

As noted, one of the surest ways of detecting a manipulator is to check if the individual acts with different faces when in front of various people and situations. Whereas all of us have mastered this art of social differentiation, the mental manipulators are masters when it comes to dwelling in extremes – where they show great humility to one person and rude to the other. They can also feel so aggressive at one point, and totally helpless the next minute. When you see this kind of behavior in people whom you are close to, the best thing to do is to keep a healthy distance. You should also try to avoid engaging with these people until you are really forced to do that. Remember that some of the top causes of chronic psychological manipulation are deep-seated and complex; therefore, saving or changing these people cannot be your job.

Stop Self-Blaming & Personalization

Given that the manipulator’s agenda is to know where your weakness is and exploit it, you may even throw the blame game on yourself for not doing your best. In such situations, it is very imperative to reassure yourself that you are not part of the problem. Remember that you are just being manipulated to feel bad about your actions and surrender your rights and power in the end. It is vital to consider the kind of relationship you have with the manipulator as well. These are some of the questions that you should ask yourself:

Am I getting a respectful treatment?

Is this relationship 1-way or 2-way?

Am I satisfied being in this relationship?

The answers to these issues will offer you the most important clues about whether the problem is with the manipulator or with you.

Probe the Manipulators

Mental manipulators will always make demands or requests from you. They do this to make you go the extra mile so that you can meet their needs. At times, it can be very important to put the focus back on the manipulator each time you hear certain solicitations. Ask them some analytical questions to check if they are fully aware of their scheme’s inequity. Ask them if their actions appear reasonable to them or if what they want from you is all fair.

When you step out to ask some of these questions, you are simply placing a mirror so the manipulator will be able to view the real nature of his/her ploy. If the manipulator happens to be a master of self-awareness, then he/she will definitely withdraw and back down. Real pathological manipulators, on the other hand, will dismiss the question and insist on having things done their own way. When this takes place, ensure you stand up for your fundamental rights and the manipulators will definitely flee.

Say No in a Firm and Diplomatic Way

Saying no in a firm and diplomatic way is what can be defined as real communication. When it has been articulated in an effective manner, it will give you an opportunity to stand your ground and maintain the best working relationship. It is important to remember that one of your basic human rights is to set your own standards and priorities. It is also within your rights to say no without feeling the guilt, as well as the right to pick your own healthy and happy life.

Set the Consequences

When a mental manipulator persists on violating the boundaries that you have made and is not hearing your “no,” you will be forced to deploy the consequences. The ability to be able to point out and assert the consequences is one of the most important skills that you can deploy to resist the efforts of a manipulative person. When they are articulated in an effective manner, consequences will stop the actions of the manipulative person and even compel them to stop the violations and respect instead.

Confront the Bullies in a Safe Way

One fact that is not known to many is that a mental manipulator can turn into a bully when they intimidate and harm others. It is important to note that bullies only prey on those they regard as the weakest, and you can make yourself a target when you remain compliant and passive. However, the fact is that a number of bullies are cowards on the inside. They will often back up when their target starts to stand up for their rights. This is a common practice in office and surroundings, as well as in schoolyards.

Think about the long-term consequences of the actions you undertake

As opposed to just doing what is easiest and fastest, do not forget about the consequences that your actions can have. Remember that psychological manipulators are the best when it comes to making their option the easiest, fastest, and also the least hurtful. They are also best at keeping the people focused on their current feelings. That explains why people do things they later regret. Instead of dealing with a consequence, later on, make sure you choose to do things that you won’t be forced to rethink.

Conclusion

Dark psychology is at work in the whole world. You might not like this truth, but you can’t modify it.

I hope the knowledge you’ve gained by reading this will lead you forward, and that your journey will be peopled with the kind of intelligent and lively folks that will make it a thrilling tapestry of experience.  Sometimes the destination is fun to think about, but if we miss the journey on the way there, we miss out on the best part.  Look up from the path, see who’s walking with you and then ask yourself – what did they mean by that hand movement?  What does that facial expression mean?  How do my own mannerisms mirror theirs?  You’ll figure out what it all means while you’re on your way.  Just don’t forget to enjoy the journey.  It really is the very best part.

I wish you all the best!

HOW TO INFLUENCE PEOPLE

Introduction

Human behavior has to do with the way humans act and interrelate with each other. It is based on the influence of many factors, like genetic makeup, civilization, and individual principles and attitudes. Human attitude is the answer of people or groups of humans to inner and outer stimuli. It has to do with the selection of each physical act and obvious feeling connected with people, but also with the entire human race. While detailed features of one's character and nature could be way more reliable, further behaviors are bound to change themselves as one age and develop their personality.  

Behavior is not only influenced by factors like age, feelings, perceptions, and attitudes, but they also have to do with our inner world, principles, worldviews, and characteristics. Behavior in social circumstances, another part of human attitude, investigates the paramount importance of social communication and cultural grounds. Other powers contain morals, social setting, authority, influence, and compulsion. 

A survey has shown that about 90 percent of the entire human population can be classified into four basic personalities: optimistic, pessimistic, trusting, and envious. Envious people make for 30 percent compared to 20 percent each for the other personalities. Influencing human attitude has been something coveted even in ancient times. Even in ancient societies, it is considered important that someone had the ability to influence others and persuade them about their views and ideas.  

The Ancient Greeks and Romans after their thought that it was very important to be able to speak to the public and make them see your point or agree with you. In Athens of the classical years, there were many orators who would teach younger men better public speaking.  

Times have changed, but it is always desirable to be an influential person.  

A leader, someone who can influence others, change their views on things, and in general, inspire and be more likable. And while most people like the idea of being this person, talking with many of them have let me know that they have no idea how to do it. Some are not even confident about their abilities, while others think that the change they want will never happen.  

But the only way for a change to happen is that we actually want and welcome it. And by purchasing this book, you have proven to yourself that you really want it.  

Factors Influencing Human Behavior  

Before we venture into your new influential skills, let’s take a look at the factors which regulate human reaction and behavior.  

While every one of us is different, there are a few factors which, in general, are the most important ones for the way things influence us.  

The key factors affecting an individual’s manner in personal as well as social life are: 

Skills

Gender

  Racial and cultural background

Acknowledgment

Perception

Behavior

Abilities  

Abilities are the qualities either a person is born with or learns from the outer environment.  

These can be very important for the life of a said person. These traits are widely classified as: 

  Intellectual  

  Physical  

Self-awareness  

So, these abilities and skills do influence our behavior, but if we want to see how, we have to know what these skills are. 

Intellectual abilities - Having an intellectual capacity is being smart, capable of reason, and being good at verbal communication.  

Physical skills − Motor skills, stamina, body goals.   

Self-awareness abilities - How a person perceives themselves, their abilities, the things they can do, what they want, and what they stand for in life.  

It goes without saying that the traits of each person are very important for how they fare later in life and how they influence those around them.  

Gender  

Past examination shows that men and women are pretty much equal in their work performance and in daily life in general.  

Nevertheless, the differences between genders are still underlined by many people in society.  

This creates a predicament for women, who are considered prime child caregivers and try to comply with society’s view of their role.  

Racial and Cultural Background  

As a race, we define people who share similar physical traits.  

It influences people based on those external features.  

Culture, however, has to do with the values, morals, customs, arts, and tastes of people who either share a racial background or belong in the same group, party, organization, or institution.  

Race & culture have always influenced society to a great extent.  

The ordinary errors such as attributing attitude and stereotyping in accordance with an individual’s race & culture fundamentally influence an individual’s behavior. 

Perception  

Perception is how we take in the stimuli from our environment.  

We all look in the same way, but we don’t see it in the same way.  

The same stimuli can produce many reactions to different people.  

Perception can take these forms: 

Of sound − Decoding the sound signals we get.  

Of speech − How do we perceive the sounds and words heard and change them in our head to mean something as far as language is concerned.  

Taste   − Telling between the different tastes with the signals coming from the taste buds.  

Touch − Telling things by feeling them.  

Other senses − Balance, pain, sense of time, and many more!  

Social − How people perceive the world based on social norms and groups.   

Attribution  

Attribution is, in other words, how we connect someone’s personality, culture, race, gender, and so on and so forth with the actions they do and the way we perceive those. 

This framework is based on three criteria: 

Agreement − When people would react in a similar way.  

Distinctiveness − How easy is this behavior to be correlated with personality traits?  

Constancy − How often does the behavior happen? Is it always the same person doing the same things or it’s a one-time thing?  

Attitude  

Attitude is the learned response that guides one’s reactions in some situations with similar characteristics. 

Now, you have a small idea of what influences you and others when you react to things around you.  

Chapter 1 Understanding influence

What is influence?

Influence – a definition: The potential to have an impact on the life, growth or actions of somebody or something or the result itself. "Effective autism interventions in institutions and APS have a more general role to be played in promoting an effective and successful public sector. When they work, these techniques allow organizations more effective, more responsive to the needs and interests of the people and more productive, creative and scalable.

However, it is often regarded as the task of professionals of human resources to solve the problem of jobs and maintenance with disabilities. Nevertheless, they do not have key decision-making positions in many situations. Human resources professionals who actively facilitate jobs of disabilities in their organizations typically do so by using a range of influential skills and strategies, partnering with business sectors and creating corporate support.

Every influence includes an agreement. For influence, we must be able to give meaning to what the person is dedicated to and pursue opportunities to show that importance.

● Influence also includes the resolution of issues, breaking around potential obstacles to successful and lasting outcomes.

●The role of groups of people and teams in an APS (approved practice settings) setting generally involves manipulating them. This is especially the case with teams which can hire persons with disabilities. The higher the importance of hiring disabled persons in your departments, the more the problem becomes standard management rather than an add-on.

●Influence in disability employment invariably involves us in changing perceptions, attitudes and working environments.

●Finally, encouraging people with disabilities to boost their job success is leadership and role modelling–demonstrate how people with disabilities are supported at work to create a positive team that will support you, your own company and eventually the APS.  

Influencing is a skill that we all have, and like any skill, it can be developed. Effective development occurs through understanding and appreciating:

●The components of effective influence.

●The context in which you influence.

●The need for you to apply and practise your skill for it to further develop.

In the APS context, effective influencing is supported by three capabilities:

●An ability to respond to and target particular forms of communication.

●An understanding of the psychology of persuasion that sits behind our willingness to be influenced.

●An ability to develop simple influencing strategies and carry them out.

  Types of influence

Each experience, communication, emotion, disposition and behavior that you have is able to influence others. Four main types of control occur. There are harmful, optimistic, constructive and life-changing factors. You want to stay away from the first two styles when moving to the second factors. Let's talk about each of them.

Negative influence

The first form is destructive and the most dangerous. Many with this kind of control tend to concentrate on their position, strength or title. They are often self-centered and confident. These are the representatives who have difficulty in getting people to follow them, support them or listen to them. We affect the team or organization poorly or badly; the team produces a negative influence primarily because of the poor results. Do everything you can to stop this kind of effect.

Neutral influence

The actions and attitudes of this kind of influence seem neither to contribute nor to take away what they do. If an individual with such authority were in a group of people, they would not have to do anything to differentiate or be known as a member. They don't lead, help or take over proactively. These are those who have the role or title but do not optimize it so that the company or the organization succeeds. Individuals (employees) often have to guide and inspire themselves to produce results because the boss will not control them.

Note, you will want these first two causes to be minimized. Let's see the kind of influence that you should aspire for.

Positive influence

A person with this sort of influence adds value and allows the individuals with whom you interact happier through the actions and attitudes of that leader. We constantly guide, build and maintain ties with others; all of them are involved in trying to encourage, educate and lead people to better results. We want to make a positive impact on the lives of the people we serve to help them succeed in all areas of their lives. Positive influence requires a high degree of purpose, energy and effort, but all will be and will do better when you lead.

Life-changing influence

This is the pinnacle and most precious kind of influence. Few individuals have this level of influence or touch it. This needs years or decades to live well and confidently so that life improves. Any highlights include Mother Teresa, Oprah Winfrey, John C. Maxwell, and Abraham Lincoln.

The life-changing effect is about influencing someone in a manner where their lives are affected forever because of what you did and said. The positivity of those you impact stays influenced even after you quit the team or organization. It needs to invest your entire life and energy in supporting and encouraging others to achieve and succeed in life and job. It involves establishing your own wishes and needs to add value to others. It's worth the effort because you'll have loyal and dedicated people who are willing to do anything for you.

Chapter 2 Reading Body Language

From our outward appearances to our body developments, the things we don't state will in any case pass on volumes of information. It has been immediate that visual correspondence may account 60% to sixty five percent of all correspondences. Understanding visual correspondence is imperative, anyway it's furthermore fundamental to think to elective prompts like setting. In a few cases, you should investigate the flag as a gaggle rather than have practical experience in one activity. 

Non-verbal communication is the implicit segment of correspondence. Our signals, outward appearances and stance, for instance. When we are prepared to "read" these signs, we can utilize it to further our potential benefit for instance. It will encourage you to know the whole message of what someone is making an endeavor to make reference to, and to fortify our consciousness of individuals' responses to what we are stating and do. 

We can moreover utilize it to direct our visual correspondence, so we will in general appear to be a great deal of positive, sharing, and congenial. 

Being able to communicate well is extremely important when wanting to succeed in the personal and professional world, but it isn’t the words you say that scream. It is your body language that does the screaming. Your gestures, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, and tone of voice are your best communication tools. These have the ability to confuse, undermine, offend, build trust, draw others in, or put someone at ease. 

There are many times when what someone says and what their body language says is totally different. Non-verbal communication could do five things: 

●Substitute – It could be used in place of a verbal message. 

●   Accent – It could underline or accent your verbal message. 

●Complement – It could complement or add to what you are saying verbally. 

●Repeat – It could strengthen and repeat your verbal message. 

●Contradict – It could go against what you are trying to say verbally to make your listener think that you are lying. 

Some regular non-verbal communication signs.  

The following are important hints to enable you to figure out how to read non-verbal communication and better understanding the individuals you connect with. 

Concentrate the Eyes  

When human activity is towards someone, concentrate as to check whether the person in question looks or appearance away. Failure to make direct eye-to-eye connections will demonstrate boredom, impartiality, or maybe misleading – especially once someone appearance away and to the viewpoint. If an individual shows up down, on the contrary hand, it as a rule demonstrates anxiety or acquiescence. Additionally, check for extended students to check whether someone is reacting positively toward you. Understudies stretch as mental element exertion will in general increment, in this manner if someone is focused on someone or one thing they like, their students can precisely expand. Understudy widening will be hard to discover, anyway underneath the right conditions you should be prepared to spot it. An individual's squinting rate can even say a lot concerning what's going on inside. Squinting rate will increment once people are thinking a ton or are pushed. Now and again, swelled flickering rate shows lying – especially once over the span of contacting the face (especially the mouth and eyes). Looking at issue will guide a need for that thing. For instance, if someone looks at the entryway this could demonstrate they need to leave. Looking at an individual will demonstrate a need to address that person. When it includes eye conduct, it furthermore briefs that trying upwards and to the right communicated in language that demonstrates an untruth has been told, while attempting upwards and to one side shows the individual is telling the truth. The clarification for this can be that people search, and to the right ones exploitation, their creative mind to come up with a story, and appearance up and to one side once they are reviewing a genuine memory. 

Look at the Face – Body Language Touching Mouth or Smiling  

In spite of the fact that people are a ton certainly to deal with their outward appearance, regardless you'll have crucial nonverbal signals if you focus. Give explicit consideration to the mouth once making an endeavor to disentangle nonverbal conduct. A direct grin visual correspondence fascination procedure will be a hearty signal. Grinning is a critical nonverbal prompt to take a gander at for. There are various sorts of grins, together with genuine grins and affectation grins. A genuine grin draws in the whole face, while an imagining grin exclusively utilizes the mouth. A genuine grin proposes that the individual is upbeat and getting a charge out of the corporate of the people around the person in question. Covering the mouth or contacting the lips with the hands or fingers once talking is additionally a marker of lying. 

Focus on nearness  

Concentrate to let someone stand or sit by you to check whether they read you positively. Standing or sitting in nearness to someone is perhaps one in all the best pointers of affinity. On the contrary hand, if someone backs up or moves away once you move in closer, this may be a proof that the alliance isn't common.

Check whether the other individual is reflecting you  

Reflecting includes emulating the contrary individual's visual correspondence. Once interfacing with someone, check to analyze if the individual mirrors your conduct. For instance, in case you're sitting at a table with someone and lay an elbow on the table, hold up ten seconds to analyze if the contrary individual will be proportional. Another regular reflecting motion includes taking a taste of a beverage at a comparable time. If someone imitates your visual correspondence, this can be a terribly reasonable sign that the person is making an endeavor to decide an affinity with you. Endeavor dynamical your body stance and check whether the contrary individual changes theirs similarly. 

Watch the head development  

The speed at that an individual gestures their head once you are talking demonstrates their understanding – or absence of. Slow hanging shows that the individual is entranced by what you're discourse correspondence and requirements you to keep talking. Fast hanging shows the individual has identified enough and necessities you to end talking or give that person a location to talk. Tilting the zenith sideways all through a communicated in language will be a proof of enthusiasm for what the contrary individual is discourse correspondence. Tilting the apex in reverse will be a proof of doubt or vulnerability. People also brings up with the face at others significance they're captivated by proclivity with the individual.

Take a gander at the other individual's feet  

A piece of the body any place people more often than not "release" fundamental nonverbal prompts is the feet. The clarification that individuals coincidentally impart nonverbal messages through their feet is therefore that occasionally they focus on their outward appearances and higher body situating which imperative pieces of information are unveiled by means of the feet.

Watch for hand signals  

Like the feet, the hands release fundamental nonverbal prompts once attempting a visual correspondence. This can be a critical tip once reading visual correspondence along these lines focus on the current next half. Watch visual correspondence turns in pockets once standing. Quest for explicit hand signals, similar to the contrary individual placing their hands in their pockets or hand on head. This may show something from apprehension to out and out trickiness. Oblivious educate demonstrated by hand motions can even say a lot. Once making hand signals, an individual can with reason inside the general course of the individual offer a partiality (this nonverbal prompts is indispensable to take a gander at for all through gatherings and once connecting in gatherings). Supporting the apex with the hand by laying an elbow on the table will demonstrate that the individual is tuning in and is keeping the zenith still to center. Supporting the zenith with every elbow on the table. When an individual holds an item between the people in question and along these lines the individual they're collaborating with, this is a boundary that is intended to dam out of the contrary individual. For instance, if two people are talking and one individual holds a stack of paper in front of that person, this can be demonstration of check in nonverbal correspondence. 

Inspect the situation of the arms  

Think about an individual's arms as the door to the body and in this way oneself. If an individual folds their arms while interfacing with you, it's occasionally observed as a guarded, impediment signal. Crossed arms can even demonstrate nervousness, weakness, or a shut personality. Whenever crossed arms are throughout a genuine grin and generally speaking loosened up stance, at that point it will demonstrate all is guaranteed, loosened up edge. When someone puts their hands on their hips it's for the most part they need to apply strength and is utilized by men a great deal than women. 

Body parts

Lower Body  

The arms share a lot of information. The hands share a lot more, but legs give us the exclamation point and can tell us exactly what someone is thinking. The legs could tell you if a person is open and comfortable. They could also who dominance or where they want to go. 

Legs Touching

When a person is standing, they will only be able to touch their bottom or thighs. This can be done seductively, or they could slap their legs as if they are saying “Let’s go.” It might also indicate irritation. This is when you have to pay attention to the context of the conversation. This is very important. 

Pointing Feet

Look at the direction of a person’s feet to see where their attention is. Their feet will always point toward what is on their mind or what they are concentrating on. Everyone has a lead foot and it all depends on their dominant hand. If a person is talking that we are interested in is talking, our lead foot will be pointing toward them. But, if they want to leave the situation, you will notice their foot pointing toward an exit or the way they want to go. If a person is sitting during the conversation, look at where their feet are pointing to see what they are truly interested in. 

Smarty Pants

This is a position where someone tries to make themselves look bigger. They will usually be seated with their legs splayed open and leaning back. They might even spread their arms out and lock them behind their head. This is normally used by people who feel dominant, superior, or confident. 

Shy Tangle

This is usually something that women do more than men. Anyone who begins to feel shy or timid will sometimes entangle their legs by crossing them under and over to try to block out bad emotions and to make themselves look smaller. There is another shy leg twirl that people will do when they are standing. The actual act of this movement is crossing one leg over the other and hooking that foot behind their knee as if they are trying to scratch an itch. 

Upper Body  

Upper body language can show signs of defensiveness since the arms could easily be used as a shield. Upper body language could involve the chest. Let’s look at some upper body language. 

Leaning

If someone leans forward, it will move them closer to another person. There are two possible meaning to this. First, it will tell you that they are interested in something, which could just be what you are talking about. But, this movement could also show romantic interest. Second, leaning forward could invade a person’s personal space; hence, this shows them as a threat. This is often an aggressive display. This is done unconsciously by powerful people. 

The Superman

This is commonly used by bodybuilders, models, and it was made popular by Superman. This could have various, meanings depending on how a person uses it. Within the animal world, animals will try to make themselves look bigger when they feel threatened. If you look at a house cat when they get spooked, they will stretch their legs and their fur stands on end. Humans also have this, even if it isn’t as noticeable. This is why we get goosebumps. Because we can’t make ourselves look bigger, we have to come up with arm gestures like putting our hands on our waist. This shows us that a person is getting ready to act assertively. 

This is normal for athletes to do before a game or a wife who is nagging their spouse. A guy who is flirting with a girl will use this to look assertive. This is what we call a readiness gesture. 

The Chest in Profile

If a person stands sideways or at a 45-degree angle, they are trying to accentuate their chest. They might also thrust out their chest, more on this in a minute. Women do this posture to show off their breasts and men will do this to show off their profile. 

Outward Thrust Chest

If someone pushes their chest out, they are trying to draw attention to this part of their body. This could also be used as a romantic display. Women understand that men have been programmed to be aroused by breasts. If you see a woman pushing her chest out, she might be inviting intimate relations. Men will thrust out their chest to show off their chest and possibly trying to hide their gut. The difference is that men will do this to women and other men. 

Hands  

Human hands have 27 bones, and they are a very expressive part of the body. This gives us a lot of capabilities to handle our environment. 

Reading palms isn’t about just looking at the lines on the hands. After a person’s face, the hands are the best source for body language. Hand gestures are different across cultures and one hand gesture might be innocent in one, country, but very offensive in another. 

Hand signals may be small, but they show what our subconscious is thinking. A gesture might be exaggerated and done using both hands to show a point 

Control

If a person is holding their hand with their palms facing down, they might be figuratively holding onto or restraining another person. This could be an authoritative action that is telling you to stop now. It might be a request asking you to calm down. This will be apparent if someone places their dominant hand on top of a handshake. If they are leaning on their desk with their palms flat, this shows dominance. 

If their palms face outward toward another person, they might be trying to fend them off or push them away. They might be saying “stop, don’t come closer.” 

If they are pointing their finger or their entire hand, they might be telling someone to leave now. 

Greeting

Our hands get used a lot to greet other people. The most common way is with a handshake. Opening up the palm shows they don’t have any weapons. These get used when saluting, waving, or greeting others. 

During this time, we get to touch another person and it might send various signals. 

Dominance can be shown by shaking hands and placing the other hand on top. How long and how strong they shake the hand will tell you that they are deciding on when to stop the handshake. 

Affection could be shown with the duration and speed of the handshake, smiles, and touching with the other hand. The similarity between this one and the dominant one could lead to a situation when a dominant person will try to pretend they are just being friendly. 

Submission gets shows by placing their palms up. Floppy handshakes that are clammy along with a quick withdrawal also show submission. 

Most handshakes use vertical palms that will show equality. They will be firm but won’t crush and for the right amount of time so both parties know when they should let go. 

Waving is a great way to greet people and could be performed from a long distance. 

Salutes are normally done by the military, where a certain style is prescribed. 

Holding

A person who has cupped hands shows they can hold something gently. They show delicacy or holding something fragile. Hands that grip will show desire, possessiveness, or ownership. The tighter the fist, the stronger they are feeling a specific emotion. 

If someone is holding their hands, they are trying to comfort themselves. They could be trying to restrain, themselves so they will let somebody else talk. It could be used if they are angry and it is stopping them from attacking. If they are wringing their hands, they are feeling extremely nervous. 

Holding their hands behind their back will show they are confident because they are opening up their front. They may hide their hands to conceal their tension. If one hand is gripping the other arm, the tighter and higher the grip, the tenser they are. 

Two hands might show various desires. If one hand is forming a fist but the other is holding it back, this might show that they would like to punch somebody. 

If someone is lying, they will try to control their hands. If they are holding them still, you might want to be a bit suspicious. Remember that these are just indicators and you should look for other signals. 

If someone looks like they are holding onto an object like a pen or cup, this shows they are trying to comfort themselves. If a person is holding a cup, but they are holding it very close and it looks like they are “hugging” the cup, they are hugging themselves. Holding onto any item with both hands shows they have closed themselves off from others. 

Items might be used as a distraction to release nervous energy like holding a pen but they are clicking it off and on, doodling, or messing with it. If their hands are clenched together in front of them but they are relaxed, and their thumbs are resting on each other it might be showing pleasure. 

Shaping

Our hands are able to cut our words into the air to emphasize the things we say and their meaning. We are trying to create visualization. 

If a man is trying to describe the fish he caught during his fishing trip, he might try to show the shape by indicating it with his hands. He might also carve out a certain shape that he wants his ideal mate to be. Other gestures might be cruder when they hold specific body parts and move sexually. 

Face  

People’s facial expression could help us figure out if we trust or believe what they are saying. The most trustworthy expression will have a slight smile and a raised eyebrow. This expression will sow friendliness and confidence. 

We make judgments about how intelligent somebody is by their facial expressions. People who have narrow faces with a prominent nose were thought to be extremely intelligent. People who smile and have joyous expressions could be thought of as being intelligent rather than someone who looks angry. 

Mouth

Mouth movements and expressions are needed when trying to read body language. Chewing on their lower lip might indicate a person who is feeling fearful, insecure, or worrying. 

If they cover their mouth, this might show that they are trying to be polite if they are yawning or coughing. It might be an attempt to cover up disapproval. Smiling is the best signal, but smiles can be interpreted in many ways. Smiles can be genuine, or they might be used to show cynicism, sarcasm, or false happiness. 

Watch out for the following: 

Their lips are pursed.

If a person tightens their lips might be a sign of distaste, disapproval, or distrust. 

They bite their lip.

People will bite their kip if they are feeling anxious, worried, or stressed. 

They cover their mouth.

If a person tries to hide a reaction, they might cover their mouth to hide a smile or smirk. 

Their mouth is turned up or down.

Changes in the mouth that are subtle might be a sign of how the person is feeling. If their mouth is turned up a little bit, they might be feeling happy or optimistic. If their mouth is turned down, they could be feeling sadness, disapproval, or grimacing. 

Negative Emotions

The silent signals that you show might harm your business without you even knowing it. We have over 250,000 facial signals and 700,000 body signals. Having poor body language could damage your relationships by sending other person signals that you can’t be trusted. They might turn off, alienate, or offend other people. 

You have to keep your body language in check and this takes a lot of effort. Most of the time, you may not know that you are doing it and you might be hurting your business and yourself. 

To help you manage your signals, there are several body languages and speech mistakes that you can learn to prevent. Here are some mistakes you have to avoid: 

Not Enough Response

If you are talking with someone, you need to make sure you listen to them. This means you have to smile, nod, and make eye contact. Even if two people don’t agree with what each other are saying, you need to let them know that you have heard what they said. This is showing them respect. If you don’t do this, you will leave a bad impression. 

Using the Word “But”

Constantly using the word “but” while you are talking can cause many problems. Most of the time, this will sound like you are just trying to make us some excuses or you don’t care about what they are saying. You might say: “I am sorry that your product didn’t get you on time, but you know how the weather is.” This statement doesn’t show you are sorry. You are placing the blame on the weather instead of addressing the real problem. 

Personal Space

Invading another person’s personal space can have detrimental results. One good example men always seem to invade a woman’s personal space whether they know it or not. This could cause some harassment lawsuits. The best space to keep between you and others is about one and a half feet. Never treat another person’s space as if it were your own. 

Talking Too Fast

Blinking fast or talking too quickly shows nervousness and distrust. Try to pause between each sentence and let others finish their sentence before your interrupt. Eye contact is very important. If you have a hard time looking people in the eye, look in the center of their forehead. It looks like eye contact without all those uncomfortable feelings. 

Not Listening

It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, you are going to have to talk with people some time or other. The main thing that will make or break any relationship is not listening. Listening could impact your relationship with employees, suppliers, performance, and sales better than other forms of communications. 

Slumping

If a person slumps in their seat, they show that they don’t have any energy or confidence. It is important to show passion and let others know that you believe in yourself. If you are hunched over or slumping, you are sending the wrong message. If your posture is strong, you are going to feel energetic and it will be a win for all people involved. 

Checking Your Phone

If you are in a public gathering, put away your phone. Everybody is addicted to their phones now, and this is extremely rude. Try engaging with others and stop checking your phone every few minutes. If you have an emergency, that’s fine. It is easier to make connections with others if you don’t have things distracting you. 

Face is Scrunched-Up

You might not realize that your face is scrunched-up or that your brow is furrowed. This can make others think you are intimidating or hostile. You can discourage others from being open or it might make them get defensive. You can verbally assure them that you understand and support what they are saying. 

Not Making Eye Contact

I used to work with someone who would immediately stare into space anytime somebody talked to them. They claimed it was easier for them to focus on what others were saying if they didn’t look at who was talking. People might use different communication types but always make eye contact. Even if you can keep moderate eye contact, it will communicate confidence, interest, and will put everybody at ease. 

Not Smiling

Do you know that smiling can make you feel happy? People like to believe the opposite. If you can keep a nice smile on your face, you will feel more confident and people will want to work with you. If you realize you want to make a face, turn that face into a smile. 

Glancing Around

Everybody has encountered someone who will constantly look around while they are talking to you. It probably makes you think that they are trying to find someone else to talk to. Don’t be this person. Everyone you talk to needs to be treated with respect. 

Handshake Too Weak or Strong

Handshakes are normally the first impression that someone gets from you. If your handshake is too weak, it will show you aren’t professional and it might be new to them. If your handshake is too strong, it might warn them that you are being too aggressive. Try to find a happy medium so that you will make a good impression. 

When you observe other people carefully, you can pick up on their emotion by their Non-verbal signals. These indicators are not a guarantee. Contextual clues might be used, in addition to what they are saying and what is happening around you at the time.

Chapter 3 How to Analyze Those around You

Your capacity to analyze people might determine whether you will succeed or fail. Human beings are social animals. We almost always need the input of other human beings to achieve our important life goals.

Human conduct, the potential, and communicated limit in regard to physical, mental, and social movements during the periods of human life. 

People, as other creature’s species, have an average life course that comprise of progressive periods of development, every one of which is described by an unmistakable arrangement of physical, physiological, and social highlights. These stages are pre-birth life, outset, youth, youthfulness, and adulthood (counting seniority). Human improvement, or formative brain science, is a field of concentrate that endeavors to portray and clarify the adjustments in human psychological, enthusiastic, and social abilities and working over the whole life expectancy, from the hatchling to seniority.  

Most logical research on human advancement has focused on the period from birth through early immaturity, attributable to both the rate and greatness of the mental changes saw during those stages and to the way that they come full circle in the ideal mental working of early adulthood. An essential inspiration of numerous specialists in the field has been to decide how the coming full circle mental capacities of adulthood were come to during the former stages.

But what happens if we take on people that are unfit for their roles? We suffer defeat. Thus, it is of utmost importance to be able to analyze people. The following are some benefits of analyzing people.  

It helps you know your allies   

Whether you like it or not, the entire world will not take a liking to you. Some people will be for you, and other people will be against you. To maximize your chances of success, you must work with people who like you while ignoring those who dislike you. Your capability to analyze people will help you single out who are in favor of you. Considering that people can be pretty complex, your capability to understand their true persona cannot be overstated. For instance, if you're pursuing a career that involves serving the public, you will find yourself surrounded by all sorts of people. Clearly, not all of those people wish you well. Nevertheless, in the same breath, not all of them are against you. In such a situation, you have to exercise a lot of care, lest you end up working with your enemy who will eventually bring you down. If you tell your secrets to the enemy, he will run out there and spill it all. If you get close enough to the enemy, he might sow bad thoughts into your mind, which will see you taking the wrong direction. All of these can be avoided by sharpening your capability to tell good people apart from bad people. Of course, this is not a skill you can develop overnight. You have to practice repeatedly until you are good at spotting the fake ones.  

It helps avoid conflict   

In most cases, conflict arises because of a disparity in expectations. In a relationship, if the man expects one thing from his mate, and his wish is never met, it can cause him grief. And the vice versa is true. These are the kind of scenarios that cause conflict in a relationship. If the man had taken the time to understand what their partner is really like, they would not be shocked later time, when their partner behaved a certain way. Thus, it is important to understand the person that you're getting into a relationship with, for this will minimize your fights. Analyzing a person helps you understand their triggers. You get an opportunity to decide whether you want to involve yourself with them. If you're looking for a life partner, there are some things that you cannot compromise on, and so, you must analyze potential candidates to find out whether they possess these characteristics. If you ignore this step, you are at the risk of having a tumultuous marriage. Understanding what other people's personalities are like is a form of educating yourself on how to act or not act in front of these people. When you learn that someone is not into corny jokes, you will stop yourself from acting in a corny way, and in the same breath, when you realize that someone has a very fun attitude, you will try not to be a bore.  

It allows you to appreciate diversity   

Human beings are incredibly diverse. And this is a good thing. You cannot really understand this diversity until you pay attention to other people. Someone who comes from Asia might exhibit certain personality traits that differ from the average American. This is not a chance to bash the Asian for being different from you, but rather, it is an opportunity to appreciate the uniqueness of the Asian. People who bash others for being different from them are simply narrow-minded. Analyzing people gives you the power to recognize and accept our differences. It makes you a more cultured person. If you travel to other parts of the world, you will easily fit in because you have a mindset of adjusting. On the other hand, someone who is opposed recognition and appreciation of diversity will find himself at loggerheads with people who are unlike him.  

It helps you fine-tune your goals   

We don't live in a vacuum. The actions, words, and behaviors of other people will affect us. Every person has an idol that they look up to. Your idol is the person that you would want to trade lives with. Apart from giving you hope; your role model gives you an opportunity to study various qualities, you will require in that line of work. For instance, if you want to become a journalist, you must know that it is not just about having language skills, but you must improve your personality, so that more people will not only be comfortable around you, enough to open up and let out their secrets. When you take on the practice of keenly observing other people, you are in a position to determine which career path suits your qualities.  

It helps you understand the motivations of people   

At the end of the day, there's a motive behind every action, but these motives are not always obvious. Some people will instantly reveal who they are, but there are people who will try to downplay their real image. But if you're a good observer, you can always tell what is going on. By taking your time to analyze people, you are in a much better position to understand what their goals are. Having this knowledge helps you take self-preserving decisions. Manipulative people are known for acting or speaking in a way that won’t betray their manipulative agenda. Unless you are extra careful in your analysis of their persona, you might miss their motive, and become another one of their victims.  

It helps you understand a person's strengths   

Every human being has both weaknesses and strengths. The reason some of us become successful is that we capitalize on our strengths. Failure to capitalize on our strengths can make us feel disillusioned about life. The skill of identifying our strengths is important in identifying other people's strengths. Thus, when you are looking for someone to work with, you will be in a position to identify their strengths and weaknesses, which will make your team of high quality.  

It helps in predicting behavior  

Your capability to analyze personalities is vital in predicting how various people will act under different circumstances. Life is not one smooth ride. There are many challenges encountered on the road. In addition, for the most part, success depends on how we handle challenges. Being able to analyze various personalities empowers you to understand how people will react to challenges. For instance, if you notice that someone has the markings of a violent personality, or has anger issues, you might want to skip on that person because their violent nature will become soon apparent. 

So why measure conduct specifically?  

1. It can change.   

Character is fixed and far-fetched to change, so it endeavors sense to center our endeavors at the point where changes can be made: our conduct. Since conduct is inside our locus of control, confirmed criticism on conduct offers a constructive lead for self-improvement, indicating where and how we can adjust to address the issues of a specific circumstance or occupation job. 

2. It tends to be watched.

Character is what's within; conduct is the thing that turns out, and it influences – and is influenced by – everyone around us. Estimating conduct enables us to concentrate on the words and activities which shape our collaborations with others. Ostensibly, we aren't specialists on another person's character – we don't have the foggiest idea about what's happening "off camera" – yet we can remark on what we can see before us. 

By giving and getting input on practices inside a group, we move to a majority rule, evidential procedure. We can authenticate – or can't help contradicting – each other, and give proof of the practices being referred to from our understanding. This can depersonalize troublesome discussions and remove the warmth from clashes which may somehow or another drop into slanderous assaults. It can likewise give a noteworthy learning opportunity – your onlookers may reveal qualities you didn't have any acquaintance with you had. 

3. it’s situational.  

Our conduct propensities impact the sorts of work we may be the most appropriate to, and whom we work best with. A few people carry on diversely at work than they do at home, regardless of the fundamental character is one and the equivalent. Estimating conduct in a specific setting enables talk to concentrate on the working environment, while all the more wide-extending estimations may sloppy the waters. 

4. it’s down to earth.

Belbin isn't a mark to apply or a container to place somebody in, it's a language intended to help individuals better see one another. When individuals comprehend the Team Roles and the essential idea driving them, this language can be utilized as a shorthand to depict how various types of work may be drawn nearer or what kind of commitments are required at a specific gathering. 

5. It makes people and groups tick.

Getting qualities and shortcomings makes individuals increasingly drew in, more joyful and progressively gainful at work, advancing a positive workplace and diminishing turnover costs. 

6. It tends to be anticipated.

Since we can watch conduct, we can anticipate it as well. Individuals may not generally carry on as we expect in each and every way – as people, we generally have the ability to amaze each other – however extensively, we sink into methods for working, conveying and identifying with others that can be required to continue as before over some undefined time frame. This implies we can utilize conduct styles for enrollment and teambuilding, to recommend whether somebody may be a solid match for a specific activity job or to join a current group. 

7. It could easily compare to knowledge in foreseeing achievement.

The most ideal approach to manufacture an extraordinary group isn't to choose people for their smarts or achievements. However, to figure out how they convey and to shape and guide the group with the goal that it pursues effective correspondence designs. 

8. It tends to be extrapolated.  

Character comes down to the individual – it's their point of view toward the world. By its very nature, conduct is progressively liquid and interconnected with others, so it loans itself normally to assemblage. We can total key Team Role data to plan and assemble groups, or guide the conduct inclinations of two people to look at how well an association may function. 

How to Master the Art of the First Impression  

Since it possibly takes seconds for somebody to choose in case you're dependable and skillful, and research demonstrates that early introductions are exceptionally hard to change, the weight that accompanies meeting new individuals is reasonably extraordinary. 

If you try to extend certainty yet haven't first settled trust, your endeavors would blowback. Nobody needs to wind up regarded however loathed. If somebody you're attempting to impact doesn't confide in you, you're not going to get much of anywhere; indeed, you may even evoke doubt, since you seem to be manipulative. 

When you perceive the significance of reliability over capability, you can assume responsibility for the early introductions you make. Here are a few hints to enable you to get that going whenever you meet another person: 

1. Let the individual you're meeting talk first.

Give them a chance to lead the pack in the discussion, and you can generally pose great inquiries to help this along. Taking the floor immediately indicates the strength, and that won't enable you to assemble trust. Trust and warmth are made when individuals feel comprehended, and they should do a ton of sharing for that to occur. 

2. Utilize positive non-verbal communication.

Getting to be mindful of your motions, articulations, and manner of speaking and making certain they're sure will attract individuals to you like ants to an excursion. Utilizing an eager tone, uncrossing your arms, keeping in touch, and inclining towards the speaker are generally types of positive non-verbal communication, which can have a significant effect. 

3. Set away your telephone.

It's difficult to assemble trust and screen your telephone simultaneously. Nothing turns individuals off like a mid-discussion instant message or even a snappy look at your telephone. When you focus on a discussion, center all your vitality around the discussion. You will find that discussions are progressively pleasant and compelling when you submerge yourself in them. 

4. Set aside a few minutes for casual banter.

It may sound minor, however research demonstrates that beginning gatherings with only five minutes of casual chitchat improves results. Many trust manufacturers, for example, casual chitchat, can appear to be an exercise in futility to individuals who don't comprehend their motivation. 

5. Practice undivided attention.

Undivided attention means focusing on what the other individual is stating, instead of arranging what you're going to state straightaway. Posing quick inquiries is an incredible method to show that you're truly focusing. In case you're not checking for comprehension or posing a testing inquiry, you shouldn't talk. Not exclusively does pondering what you're going to state next remove your consideration from the speaker, commandeering the discussion demonstrates that you think you have something increasingly essential to state. This implies you shouldn't bounce in with answers for the speaker's issues. It's human instinct to need to help individuals, yet what a great deal of us don't understand is that when we hop in with counsel or an answer, we're closing the other individual down and crushing trust.

6. Get your work done.

Individuals adore it when you know things about them that they didn't need to share. Not frightening stuff, however straightforward certainties that you set aside the effort to gain from their LinkedIn page or organization site. While this may not work for chance experiences, it's vital when a first gathering is prepared of time, for example, a prospective employee meet-up or a conference with a potential customer. Discover as much as you can pretty much every one of the individuals you're meeting, their organization, their organization's essential difficulties, etc. This exhibits ability and dependability by featuring your drive and duty.

The truth of the matter is, if you can identify with any of those, however you don't reliably look to improve your kin reading abilities, you're subverting your profession and your pay. It's that basic. The abilities required to read individuals are extremely straightforward and incredibly viable. In any case, there are numerous misconceptions and misapplications of the aptitudes, the two of which can bring you not exactly wanted outcomes. 

Chapter 4 Understanding the people and world around us

Sensation and Perception  

Sensation and perception play an essential role in how we translate and interpret what goes around our world. While they may look similar, they have a different purpose. For sensation, it refers to the process of sensing our environment via taste, touch, sound, and smell. This information is then sent to our brains unprocessed, then perception takes over, which is interpreting the sensations and then bring meaning to everything we have around is. Describing the two will allow us to see the role they play in psychology and how senses work together with how they are being interpreted.  Let's start with the sensation first. 

By definition, the sensation is identified as the process whereby our senses compile information and transfer it to the brain. Sensing of information includes room temperature, a distant train, the brightness of the light, the smelling of perfume, and when we hear the conversation. There are some other senses we aren't capable of. For example, we aren't capable of noticing radio waves, microscopic parasite walking in our body, x-rays, and radio waves. And we are only being made to sense what we are capable of. Why?

The answer is in the following threshold ;. 

1. Absolute Threshold. This is a point where our senses notice something. That is the softest sound and the slightest touch. Whatever goes below this, isn't notified. 

2. Difference Threshold. When we sense a stimulus, we have to identify if the stimulus us changing, But how? The difference threshold handles that. It is the amount of change that is needed to determine that a change has occurred. 

3. Signal Detection. This is an act to detect what we want to focus on and ignore every other thing. For example, if you have to focus on something in a crowded room with several people talking. 

4. Sensory Adaptation. This is concerned with a stimulus that has remained unaltered for a time when this happens; we want to notice it.  Take for instance, when you are you sense a perfume, but after a while, you've stopped seeing, why? They remain unchanged, it has become less sensitive, and you adapted to. 

That's for sensation, let's check into perception. 

Perception means the interpretation of what we take in via our senses. This makes us unique from animals and even from other persons. 

It was being figured out that to translate what the brain receives through senses; the brain organizes the information gotten into the specific group to disallow unwarranted repetition. 

Retaining Constant Perceptual Constancy 

It wouldn't make sense if each time an object is altered. We have to process it completely, and fortunately, it doesn't happen that way too. Humans can maintain constancy in the ability to perceive. That, in turn, make perception constancy to be defined as the ability to see things different yet we wouldn't have to reinterpret the object's properties. 

Now we can sum it up that sensation is identified as the input about the physical world that is established by our sensory receptors, and perception is recognized as the process whereby mind organizes, interprets, and selects sensation. So, if we sense something and there is not interpretation, definitely, there is no point sensing it. How is this applicable in real life? In life, there is both positive and negative perceptions, which can influence one's success. And what's the key? 

Always work on your mind as a garden, weeding out negative perception every day and leaving the flower, the plant to stay. The more you allow negative thoughts to retain, the more negative perception you will have. Therefore, it is essential you change the way you view your life. You have to work harder so you can experience the change. Just keep staying grateful for what you possess. What method, always list out five positive things that work out in your favor every day. You will be expanding your positive perception ability. Our understanding of the world around involves learning. But what is learning and how does it connect with conditioning. Read on to get the answers.

Learning and Conditioning  

Our nervous system is also involved in the learning process. But how is it defined, and what are other concepts? Learning, by definition, is an adaptive function by which our nervous system alters concerning stimuli in the environment, thereby bringing a change in our behavioral responses and allowing us to function in our environment. 

Initially, the process is established in the nervous system in a bit to respond to environmental stimuli. As a result, neural pathways can be strengthened, activated, even pruned, and all these can bring about a change in our behavioral responses. 

When it comes to reflexes and instincts, they are innate behaviors. That is, they occur naturally and wouldn't demand to learn. However, learning, in turn, is an alteration in behavior that results from experience.  In the field of behavioral psychology, it involves mainly on measurable behaviors that are learned; instead, if working hard to understand internal states like emotions and attitudes. 

But in learning, there are three fundamental aspects, they are classical conditioning, operant conditioning, and observational learning. The first two, classical and operant conditioning, forms if associative learning, their associations are developed between events that happen together. Whereas the third one, observational learning, is learning by observing others. Let's get into details about the three types of learning. 

Classical Conditioning.

Classical conditioning defined as the process whereby we learn to relate stimuli and events that regularly happen together. As a result, we then learn to anticipate what will happen next. Take, for example; some experts have trained animals like to associate the sound of an object to the presence of food. For instance, Ivan was able to condition his dog to identify the relationship between the sounds of a bell with the presence of the meal. This was achieved because each time; the dog hears the sound of the bell, what comes to mind is that it’s time for lunch. So in a sense, that scene makes the dog anticipate the meal. 

Operant Conditioning.

This is defined as the learning process in which behaviors are reinforced or punished, thereby strengthening a response. So, any act that is backed up with pleasant consequences is more likely to be repeated, whereas actions that are followed by unpleasant experiences are less likely to be repeated. So it merely means that either punishments or rewards can impact behavior. 

Observational Learning.

This type of learning occurs when a person observes the behavior of others and imitate those behaviors. For example, it is common for children to learn or imitate adults, so if there is a right attitude that you needed to emulate, applying observational learning to be the best way to achieve it. 

It is being used both in the therapeutic and advertising industry. In the commercial industry, they often feature attractive models. Thus, they apply the principles of associative learning.

Attention

In the world of cognitive psychology, attention is a concept that is being studied, and it refers to how we actively process particular information in our environment. Most times, many sensations are going on around us; they demand attention. Unfortunately, our attentional resources aren't limitless; it has boundaries. Therefore, we need to find out how we can experience all these sensations and still lay focus on just one particular thing, and how can we employ the scarce resources at our disposal to make sense of the world around us. 

As defined by psychologist experts, attention is defined as taking possessing by the mind, in bright and vivid form out of what may appear to be numerous simultaneously possible objects or lines of thought. Or it could be defined as the withdrawal of some things to deal or pay closer attention to others. 

Attention isn't about focusing attention on one particular thing; it also includes ignoring a great deal of fighting for information and stimuli. Attention makes it possible to tune out information, perception, sensation that aren't in correlation with the moment and then focus energy in the information that is vital. 

Additionally, the attentional system offers the ability to focus on something specific in our environment while we send our incoherent details. In some situations, our attention might be centered on a particular thing which will cause us to ignore other things. That is, when we lay focus on something in the environment, we at times miss the several things that are right in front of us. And that is why most times in a room, you will be so engrossed that you won't notice that someone is approaching you or has walked inside the toilet. 

But to understand more in-depth how attention works, and how it influences your perception, you have in mind these few points out that are highlighted.

Attention is Limited.

Researchers have found that what influences our ability to stay on a given task include how interested we are in the stimulus and the number of distractions that surround us. Attention is limited when it comes to capacity and duration.  So multitasking doesn't work well, because our attention is limited.

Attention is Selective.

Since it is understood that attention is limited. We need to be selective about what we decide to focus on. We need to be selective in what we attend to. This stage is so fast that we hardly remember that we've neglected what happens in our environment. 

  Attention is a Fundamental Part of The Cognitive System.

Attention is even present at birth. This occurs when orienting reflexes help to determine which events in our environment need to be attended to. And right from that stage, the orienting reflex continues to be of immeasurable benefits to us throughout our life span.

Understanding this fact about attention enrich our productivity, it stops us from spending more energy on multitasking, instead of focusing on one thing at a time, which will enhance positive thinking and lead to success eventually. 

Intelligence  

  Intelligence is an aspect that is often talk about in psychology, yet, there isn't one specific standard to define what intelligence is. Some have maintained that intelligence is single, others say that it is a general ability, while some still insist that intelligence covers a wide range of aptitudes, talents, and skills. Regardless of the opinions that are being held today, there is consensus agreement about intelligence. They are:

Learning. The ability to acquire, retain, and apply knowledge- these are vital parts of learning. 

Identify Problems. To put knowledge to use, the likely problems have to be identified and be cared for. 

Solve Problem. The output of learning is taking the knowledge and use it to solve the recognized problem. 

Intelligence includes various mental abilities like planning, reasoning, logic, and problem-solving. 

Also, isn't something we can hear or see or even taste? But we can peer into the result of intelligence. However, a big question cones that are there a way to increase one's intelligence? Fortunately, the answer is yes. Psychologists who figured cognitive training and pharmacological intervention, so the approach to aid the improvement of the brain. 

There are incredible ways to improve one's intelligence;

1. Exercise. Regular. If you want to improve your intelligence, you have to exercise your brain and body. Like a muscle that requires training, your brain does need too. When you use, you are energizing your body, and this can lead to a wave of energy to your brain. Exercise aids you in concentrating better and making learning more accessible. Therefore, the more you use your brain positively, the more skilled and a great thinker you become. Your ability to focus will be enhanced when you exercise your brain. 

2. Meditation. What meditation accomplishes is neuroplasticity. As soon as this I'd launched, the brain can make physiological changes for the better. Additionally, meditation enhances gray and white brain matter. Their functions differ. For example, gray matter is responsible for processing information, while white matter enhances communication skills. 

3. Watch Less of no Television. I know this might be a sad fact, but more relaxed you admit, the better.  When you watch television, you think less, and thus you aren't putting your mental power into use. So, if you crave for relaxation, read a book or play a crossword puzzle game. 

4. Reading Challenging Selections. Reading improves one's ability to understand and encourage critical thinking. Thus, select more books among the ones that offer aptitude. 

Examples of these books include newspapers, classic novel, multi-content periodicals and when you come in contact with new words, check them up in your dictionary or ask an expert who knows and can explain explicitly about the topic. 

5. Rest Well. Psychologists hold the widespread belief that ensuring adequate sleep will enhance smartness. It helps one feel revitalized if one gets to bed early and have quality 8 hours rest, waking up will be immersed with productivity and use your brain to the optimal level. 

6. Write. You need not be an expert, pick up something you have either seen or read. Doing this will enhance visual simulation and kinesthetic. Also, practice writing with your nondominant hand to improve both side simulation. 

7. Play Video Games. Invest quality times to play new games. Seek for Ines that gives you the ability that will enforce quick thinking abilities. Just like scientists recommend, game Tetras.

8. Invest in Cryptology. Logic puzzle enhances brain intelligence and functioning. The puzzle entails a message written in codes for solving. When continuously played, you will strengthen your simulation ability and relaxing. 

State of Consciousness  

The separate awareness of your unique sensations, environment, feelings, memories, and thoughts are what consciousness is all about. Consciousness in an individual is always changing. Take, for instance, it is very likely that when you were reading this book, you were focused, but at a point, your consciousness shifted to something you had earlier done with a coworker. It might not stop there, but move to change dramatically from one moment to the next one, but all in all, your experience of it seems effortless.

As you may have realized, it is not all forms of awareness that are similar. Thus, there are several states of human consciousness as well as a variety of things that are capable of impacting states of awareness.

Has it ever occured to you that every morning, you always feel energetic, question hypnosis, and even try explaining your dreams? All these are several concepts of how consciousness works. All these briefly mentioned are related to human consciousness, which can be influenced in several ways. 

Body Clocks.

Many start their day with full energy, but by midday, it's down. For some, they try to be energetic in the morning with no result, but amazingly, they pick up in the evening. This daily fluctuation of energy levels is identified as circadian rhythm or body's clock. They have a significant impact on consciousness and other psychological states. 

Sleep and Consciousness.

There are stages of sleep, namely NREM (non-rapid eye movement )

Stage 1, which is the beginning of the sleep cycle, and it is a relatively light stage of sleep. This stage is considered a transition period that exists between wakefulness and sleep. 

In stage 2, when a person sleeps, people become less aware of their surroundings, their body temperature drops, and breathing and heart rate become more constant. This stage lasts for an approximate period of 20 minutes. In the stage, folks spend 50% of their total sleep in this stage.

In phase 3, the muscle relaxes, blood pressure, and breathing rate drops and deepest sleep happen. In the stage, some experience sleepwalking and tends to occur during sleep. REM(-rapid eye movement) stage, which is the final part is the stage where the brain becomes more active, the body becomes relaxed and immobilized, dreams happen, and eyes move rapidly.

Dreams and Consciousness.

Dream entail any images, thoughts, and emotions that are experienced during sleep.  It can be either vivid and be filled with unclear and confusing imagery. In summary, you can see the dream as the touchstones of your characters. 

Hypnosis and consciousness.

The study of hypnosis has been used in several fields, like pain management and weight loss. Many have found hypnosis to be an efficient therapeutic tool. For some, when hypnotized they record that they feel a sense of detachment while for some, they attain a high level of relaxation. And for some, they think that their action occurs outside their conscious volition. And for some, they might be fully aware of carrying out conversations while under hypnosis. But still, hypnosis is used in reducing pain during childbirth, control of pain during a dental procedure, treatment of rheumatoid arthritis. 

Drugs, And Consciousness.

Psychoactive drugs are used in treating chronic medical conditions.  They can pose serious problems and bring about an effect on human consciousness. 

Someone who used a psychoactive plant would have his mental state have a higher risk of poisoning. This is because the person taking the substances has no control over the strength of the plant's psychoactive substance. 

Accessing these drugs can be detrimental to your health and affect your general well-being. 

Chapter 5: Steps to Increase Your Influence

Influencing without authority for project managers is a critical task. Maintaining the cats requires a combination of strong management of projects and communication skills. You can master the most complex projects by combining that with influencing levers. There are five forms without authority to impact.

Expertise

​Expertise is an important element. Technical knowledge is important as various roles function together in a project. When you operate in a cross-industry unit, the business experience can be crucial. Use your expertise to support your suggestions and requests. One definition of a project manager would be the constraints of a timetable to support a deadline.

Information

When exchanged, knowledge is the most effective. Influence others by daily, clear and concise sharing of information that you learn. As a project manager, you have priorities and plans. Roles and responsibilities can be complicated in diverse working groups. The news is a two-way street. Don't forget to collect it and express what you learn now. Knowledge of stakeholders is key information that project teams need to bear in mind about the main project sponsor.

Resources

The correct tools are a crucial factor for the success of the project. The distinction between success and failure can be the imaginative use of capital. Impact the program by providing examples. Influence capabilities by identifying the main results expected and recording the skills required to achieve results. Influence citizens by managing the pressure of employment and goal problems.

Relationships

Know regarding people and build deeper relationships. This helps you to learn what you can do. Prepare responses and behaviors for criticisms rather than shocks.You should apply for periodic rewards across deep, long-standing partnerships. Finally, there is also a sense of camaraderie that helps people to solve challenges together.

Attitude

The actions or how you perceive people is one of the most significant influencing factors. Be honest and direct–you have long been accepting a crack in your honesty. Don't waste people's time-be prepared and organized. Knowledge and pressure interact, but not pain. Your voice tone, your word selection, and your recognition of difficult situations can be your strongest influence.

Authority

A statement on jurisdiction. Jurisdiction. Authority is definitely the most obvious way of influencing people. You will set their course and goals if you control capital directly. There are a time and a place to use the influence of someone else. For instance, if you cannot overcome major resource dependencies, call the bosses. Yet, you did not try to fix it personally afterward.

Appreciate People   

Gratitude is another huge influencer/leader/role model quality. Efficient leaders know the power of simple appreciation for channelizing people in the right direction. A simple gesture like thanking people, appreciating the effort they put into a project or publically praising their skills goes a long way in inspiring their loyalty towards you.  

Always choose to recognize the work or efforts of others and focus on lifting them as glowing role models for others. Few things boost a person’s morale than being presented as a sparkling example. This does not just make the person feel wonderful but also helps you reinforce what’s the right thing to do. Everyone wants to be appreciated and valued, and will, therefore, be motivated to do things as they should be done.  

Another tip that can make you an endearing leader is the ability to help people save face in a potentially embarrassing or awkward situation. The person will feel indebted to you for life. They will feel a deep sense of gratitude that you helped them out of a tricky situation which in turn inspires unwavering loyalty.  

You can help deflect focus from the person’s blunder. For instance, if someone says something they shouldn’t have said erroneously or accidentally, quickly change the topic before anyone notices or pretend nothing huge happened.  

Show Abundant Passion And Enthusiasm   

Have the proverbial fire in your belly for whatever you do. This makes you an irresistible influencer. People can tell the difference when leaders/role models do something just for the heck of it and when they are truly operating with endless reserves of passion. Seeing you demonstrate the right amount of passion and commitment towards a project/cause lights others up too. This, in turn, grows your influence. It attracts others to work with you in your undying quest.  

Stay Consistent   

Consistency and commitment is a huge influence catalyst. It accelerates your influence in a positive direction by revealing how dependable your actions. People who are reliable, steadfast and dependable earn greater respect and obedience than those people who constantly change their actions based on what suits them.  

Keep your actions and words consistent. Stay consistent with the rules you make. Be consistent in your attitude, policies and leadership pattern. Above everything, stay consistent with your efforts for fulfilling your/the team’s goals. People who don’t give up are able to attract plenty of followers. Consistent folks are seen as reliable and are the preferred ones to be trusted with brand-new projects, initiatives, and responsibilities.  

Find Solutions   

Solution providers are always more sought after than problem diggers. Your influencer invariably increases if you possess a solution-oriented mindset. People flock to leaders/role models who have a more solution-focused mindset and are capable of coming up with ingenious solutions to the most convoluted problems.  

Folks who use lateral thinking, constructively problem-solving skills, and path-breaking solutions are often people magnets. They become instantly dependable and likable for their innovative thinking and positive approach.  

Chapter 6:  Sources of influence

1.  Personal Motivation

It can be difficult to change behavior, especially if the employees ' personal motivation is weak.  The nurses can see that the nursing report takes too much time.  You may need to develop new motivations to manipulate actions to alter this equation.  Most infants are aware that highly coordinated discharge planning is a new focus today.  How can this be if it does not include all workers and is not up to date?  The bedside rounding can be refurbished as both an opportunity to improve patient contact and to recognize discharge preparation needs.  Missing these requirements can have very great human implications and should be worried, as most nurses are committed and compassionate practitioners.

2.  Personal Ability

Often we believe that when we are going to change our actions, it is just a lack of motivation.  This may not be the case everywhere.  In reality, successful influencers over-invest in encouraging others to improve their ability and make the transition more possible. While reporting to a new nurse may be comfortable, adding the patient and family to the audience can alter this dynamic.  Providing standardized reporting platforms in this new forum can greatly enhance the feeling of competence of the nurse.  These situations could include any kind of solutions and concerns that the patient and family might have.

3.  Harness Peer Pressure

Peer pressure will provide tremendous influence on change behavior.  There are opinion leaders in any specific nursing environment.  It is important to include opinion leaders in the change process.  Opinion leaders can be pioneers of progress or, if disengaged, can sabotage creative attempts.

4.  Find Strength in Numbers

Influence is available in quantities.  If you make a change such as a bedside study, your workers do not automatically need to purchase 100% at the outset.  You need a critical mass of dedicated nurses, but on every tour, you need enough social capital to influence change.

5.  Design Rewards and Demand Accountability

What is measured is often said to be rewarded.  If the above critical activity in the bedside report was included in the annual performance review, the interest of the nursing staff would be attracted easily.  The problem today, with much success evaluation methods is that they are too common and do not include such behavioral standards.

6.  Change the Environment

If we look at behavioral factors, we rarely think about environmental control as a cause of impact.  Sometimes simple changes may affect behavior in a unit setting.  In the example of the bedside report, what if there was no place for staff to sit and report in a nursing facility or unit?  What if the tape report had no tape recorders?  What if we guarantee that a nurse only served in the same geographical area where the patients were clustered?  What if we allowed and encouraged our nurses to sit down and report in the patient's room when they needed to?  What if we asked our workers for suggestions on how we could adjust the layout of our space to improve their ability to monitor the bedside?

It is not an easy process to promote change.  Effective influencers realize that the more eager you are to set the stage for progress, the more effective you become.  No one size fits for the shift.  This requires multiple points of control and performance must be reassessed over time.

Chapter 7: The Art of Influence and Persuasion?  

Being influential and persuasive is a skill that you can actually develop. With the right tips and knowledge, you can master the art of influence and persuasion and apply it is in various aspects of your life. If you are an entrepreneur or someone who’s daily routine needs to convince others to see things based on your own perspectives and get them to agree with you, then mastering persuasion is an advantage. You need to hone this type of personality from the time you have chosen your own career.

With excellent persuasion skills, it will be easier for you to present your new ideas to the public. You can persuade the correct partners to be part of your network, create and present solutions to the right people, convince potential investors to fund your ideas, and convince customers to buy from you.

The good news is that you can have this skill. Here are just some ways for you to master the art of persuasion:

Practice repetition

Repetition is an effective way for you to get the attention of people. A lot of people, especially entrepreneurs, make the wrong assumption that their passion in their chosen field is enough to help them clearly send their message to the right audience and stand out from the crowd. This is a wrong assumption because with the excessive amount of information that the public can access from various sources, it would be difficult for you to stand out. In fact, the majority of the public today already created filters as a means of ignoring unsolicited inputs. 

You can combat this by ensuring that you practice repetition. Note that you will most likely convince the public that your message is worthy to be heard if they see and hear it many times – both in verbal and written form. The good news is that with this repetition, you can also imbibe the skill of persuasion into your own personality, especially because it aids you in mastering it.

Use imagination

Another way to master the art of persuasion is to use your own and your target audience’s imagination. For instance, you can say things like “can you imagine how happy you’ll feel by buying this product?”. This will give your audience the opportunity to pain a clear picture of what he/she can expect to receive if he agrees on what you are saying or take what you are offering. Let him/her imagine the pleasure of following what you are suggesting, and the pain that he/she will most likely feel if he/she does not.

Try to obtain a yes early

If you are an entrepreneur, for instance, then try to persuade your target audience to agree with you, even in just trivial matters. It could be as simple as the weather, whether the color of an object is blue, politics, etc. Keep in mind that getting someone to like you is one of the most important aspects of persuasion. It would be possible for you to reach that goal if the person you are dealing with agrees with you.

If you are still a beginner in the art of persuasion, then try to let your target audience clearly see the actual value of what you’re offering. You should also clearly indicate what they will be missing if they decide not to have it. Take advantage of the power of leading questions, like “do you want to”, “have you been wanting to”, etc. 

The questions should be leading enough that they will have a difficult time saying no to. You need to customize the questions to ensure that they suit the type of conversation you’re having with your audience to persuade them to agree with you at the earliest possible time.

Build your confidence

You can’t expect to master the art of persuasion if you’re not confident. Your audience should see how confident you are with what you’re saying. How can you expect someone to believe in what you’re saying if you, yourself, have doubts about it? No matter how competent you are, if your target audience does not sense your confidence, then you’ll most likely lose the fight and be left unable to convince them.

When it comes to building your persuasion skills, note that you can develop your confidence by fully understanding how important it is to facilitate a need. Keep in mind that many people need your help and you hold the answers to a certain problem they are facing. Believe that what you’re offering or saying is important and can provide a solution to a problem – that is regardless of the field you’re in – whether you’re in web design, foods, etc. 

Keep in mind that someone will always find your products, services and solutions helpful. Believing that you have something that is of great value to someone can significantly increase your confidence, thereby making it easier for you to convince/persuade someone.

Improve your listening skills

The ability to listen to someone intently – whether it’s your customers, friends, colleagues, starting entrepreneurs, small business owners, or industry experts – contributes a lot to successfully persuading someone. Through intent listening, you will learn a lot more about the field you’re in. Try to listen more than speak. Note that the time you spent not speaking are frequently the most vital moments since the other party will most likely feel that you are genuinely valuing his time. 

Listening is also known to be one of the keys to being persuasive. In a study conducted in a business school in Columbia, for instance, researchers discovered that a lot of workers value listening skills too much that this lead to the successful implementation of persuasion. With the set of experiments and tests they conducted, they were able to find out that one’s ability to persuade or influence has a huge relationship to the timing he chooses to be verbal when doing the act. Remember that even if you do not speak and just merely listen, you can still persuade others using body language and cues.

Learn how to integrate connection in all your persuasion endeavors

Regardless of whom you are trying to influence/persuade, forging a connection is crucial. Keep in mind that as humans, there is a great likelihood for them to respond positively if you use emotional appeals by connecting to them. The great philosopher, Aristotle, for instance, discovered that it is greatly possible for humans to be influenced if one uses a mix of credible, logically argumentative and emotional appeals. Using emotional appeals more also increases the number of people who can be persuaded. 

If you are an entrepreneur who needs to persuade people most of the time, then you can also use and mirror that concept to your advantage. A wise tip is to connect to them in a more emotional level by matching your voice inflections, physical cues and charisma. This is a huge help in building an emotional connection, thereby allowing the person you’re talking to realize that you also have similarities. This will eventually forge a bond of trust.

Learn how to give praises

You also need to learn the art of giving praise when it comes to developing your persuasion skills. If you just focus on shooting people with your ideas without even listening to them or making them feel that you also value them, they will feel like they are insignificant. This will cause them to focus on mending their hurt egos, instead of listening intently to what you have today. The good news is that you can be more likable to them if you start to offer them praise. Find something good about the person you’re talking to and praise him. 

Once he finds you likable through the praises that you give, it will be easier for you to persuade him to listen to you and agree with your idea. Praising someone can make him feel like he is attaining his personal achievement. He will then like you more and he will start thinking that you will be of great help to him when it comes to reaching his full potential.

Just make sure that you’re careful when offering praises, though. Avoid resorting to using empty praises. Doing so will only damage your efforts.

Chapter 8: Powerful Verbal and Nonverbal Cues

Verbal communication encompasses both spoken and written words. Words are a form of communication that humans have used to exchange their thoughts and messages, especially when they are not in a face to face setting. This is the most frequent form of communication used, and it is one that we have come to rely on the most.  

One example of verbal communication involves public speaking, where communication is conducted and carried out verbally to the groups of audiences. Other examples of verbal communication include your everyday conversations with your friends, family members, co-workers, clients, even random strangers you happen to meet as you go about your day. Verbal communication, in short, happens every day and it has become so routine we do it almost without actively thinking about it anymore. 

As opposed to nonverbal communication which requires active thought. This form of communication has no words or sounds to rely on. Nothing but what you see with your eyes and what you make of it. When we use gestures, body movements, and facial expressions to convey our intent that is a form of nonverbal communication.  

What both forms of communication have is that they matter. They’re equally important contributors to the overall communication process. You might even say that nonverbal communication is more important. The first impression you make on anyone is nonverbal. Even before the first hello and handshake. Take job interviews, for example. It cannot be stressed enough just how important it is to make a good first impression. Making a good first impression is absolutely critical is during a job interview. From the minute you walk into the room, you are communicating with your potential employer through your nonverbal mannerisms. Your posture, facial expression, gestures that you make are going to be the clues that your employer is looking for when they assess you. 

This same approach applies to other situations too, like meeting clients or conducting business meetings. The impression that you leave people with can be a big deciding factor in determining the outcome of your success. Saying all the right words, but with the wrong body language, is not going to get you the desired results that you seek. 

Analyzing People via Their Verbal Statements  

Our analysis and observation skills would be incomplete and inefficient if we ignore the significance of verbal statements. Verbal statements hold a myriad of keys into the doorways of our personalities, intentions, and emotions.  

You can glean a lot from the words that you hear. Analyzing people through their verbal statements requires less effort and astuteness than that of nonverbal behaviors. We will take an in-depth look at how our words reveal our intentions, emotions, and personalities. I will include common speech clues you will come across in your daily interactions with those around you. Let’s delve into this significant aspect of communication.  

Understanding the Relationship between Words, Behavior, and Personality    

Everything you do (nonverbal) or say (verbal) speaks volumes about your personality. When you become adept at analyzing people, you will realize there’s a synergy between our actions, thoughts, and beliefs, and that each aligns to provide a full picture about whom we are. The words you use, even though it seems insignificant when compared to body language, can actually tell a great deal about your desires, strengths, insecurities, and emotions.  

How Words Reveal Your Personality    

“Hey! Did you get taller overnight?” At first glance, this statement looks like friendly banter, and it reveals no negative vibe. Now, if you look at the statement from another perception, you will realize that it gives us an opportunity to glimpse the mind of the speaker. In this context, the speaker cares a lot about the height difference. How did we know that?  

If you think about snakes all day because you are scared of them, then you might easily confuse a skink for a snake.  

In other words, we notice the things we care about. When you observe the friendly banter, you will realize that the person may be concerned about his personal height. This concern helped him to notice the height difference of his friend.  

This statement could also stem from the speaker’s insecurity about his own height. Remember, when it comes to analyzing verbal statements, you need to take into consideration various factors at play, and this includes watching body language too. In totality, both aspects of communication—verbal and nonverbal—are incomplete without the other.  

Before we proceed, let’s have a quick look at how you can analyze people through jokes.  

Learn to Unclothe the Veil around Jokes    

Two teenagers went to a restaurant. When the waiter came around to take their orders, one of the kids jokingly replied, “I want anything that costs a million dollars.” To a casual observer, it is a normal and bland banter. To an astute observer, this kid is worried about money. Perhaps his family might be passing through some kind of financial crisis, or his parents and loved ones might have taught him the importance of money.  

There’s always a hidden message in every joke. Therefore, learning to analyze these jokes will give you a glimpse into the speaker’s deepest desires and personality. You should know that the words people use have a deep meaning, irrespective of how well-crafted the words are. A person might tell a joke to you without realizing he is revealing much more about his intentions. That is why it’s easy to analyze those who make hurtful jokes to demean you.  

Stories Are Powerful    

It is easy to recognize a biased story, either verbally or in written form. You can effectively glimpse into the storyteller’s psyche by listening to him or by reading his work. Here’s an example for us to dissect:  

From subject A’s point of view: Last night, I was walking down a lonely street with my friends, and a large and muscular dark man appeared out of the neighboring bush and seemed to come toward us to attack. But he changed his mind in the last second and walked past us.  

From subject B’s point of view: Late in the evening, I was taking a stroll when I misplaced my keys in the nearby bush. It was already getting dark when I noticed I didn’t have my keys on me. Time wasn’t on my side since I needed to get home quickly to prepare for my date, so I searched and searched through the shrubs until I felt the keys. I jumped out onto the street in excitement and started running home. In my excitement, I nearly bumped into a group of frightened teenagers.  

Both stories gave us different perceptive about the incident. The first point of view was from a teenager who didn’t see the look of excitement on man’s face. Rather, he emphasized the words huge, large, and dark. So why did he place emphasis on the physical attributes of the man who jumped out of the bush? Well, it’s because that’s the part that concerns him the most. He was scared because of the man’s sudden appearance and physical size, and that had a huge impact on the story. We have a full and clearer picture when you take a look at the other man’s point of view, and that is the power of perception in stories.  

So when someone tells you a story, I want you to dissect the story and take note of the emphasized points of the story. By doing this, you will know how to analyze people effectively.  

Common Word Clues You Need to Know    

Words are like doorways to the mind. Words are often used to analyze people’s thought processes, and the closest you can get to understanding someone’s thoughts depends on your ability to decipher and listen to the words he speaks. Words that reveal a person’s thoughts are referred to as word clues.  

These word clues increase your chances of analyzing and predicting people’s behavioral patterns via the words they speak or write. Word clues alone can’t determine a person’s personality, but they do provide us with an insight into an individual’s behavioral characteristics and thought process. You can draw your hypotheses from the word clues and make a conclusion by taking notice of the other aspect of communication.  

An Insight into How the Brain Process Words    

There’s something we have all come to agree on: the human brain is very efficient. We only use verbs and nouns when we think.  

For instance, “I walked” or “I jumped.” Adjectives, adverbs, and other parts of speech are added during the latter phase of converting thoughts into written language or spoken words. The words that we add at this stage provide an insight into who we are and what we are thinking.  

The basic and simple sentence consists of only a subject and a verb. For example, the verbal statement “I walked” consists of only the pronoun I (subject) and the object that is the verb walked. Any other word added to this basic sentence only modifies the action of the verb or the quality of the noun. These deliberate additions or modifications provide an insight into the behavioral characteristics and personality of the writer or speaker.  

Word clues help us to make behavioral guesses or develop hypotheses regarding the personality of others. Take a look at the verbal statement “I quickly walked.” The word clue in this sentence is quickly since it serves as a modification of the verb walked. This word clue infused a sense of urgency in the statement, but it did not give us a reason. An individual can “quickly walk” because of the urgency of an appointment.  

People who utilize this phrase are regarded as meticulous. Meticulous people are reliable and abhor being late for an appointment since they respect societal norms and want to live up to expectations. This set of individuals will also make good employees since they don’t want to disappoint their employees.  

Conversely, you can also quickly walk when in a dark and lonely area with a bad reputation. Bad weather could also be the reason that you quickly walk.  

In summary, people might make use of the word clue quickly walk for a variety of reasons. It’s important to always read verbal statements in relation to the circumstances surrounding the speaker or writer.  

Types of Nonverbal Communication   

1. Outward appearances    

Outward appearances are answerable for an immense extent of nonverbal correspondence. Think about how much data can be passed on with a grin or a scowl. The expression on an individual's face is regularly the main thing we see, even before we hear what they need to state.  

2. Motions    

Purposeful developments and sign is a significant method to impart importance without words. Basic motions incorporate waving, indicating, and utilizing fingers to show numeric sums. Different motions are subjective and identified with culture.  

In court settings, legal advisors have been known to use diverse nonverbal sign to endeavor to influence legal hearer sentiments. A lawyer may look at his watch to propose that the contradicting attorney's contention is monotonous or may even feign exacerbation at the declaration offered by observers trying to undermine their reliability. This nonverbal sign is viewed as being so ground-breaking and powerful that a few judges’ even spot restrains on what sort of nonverbal practices are permitted in the court.  

3. Paralinguistic    

Paralinguistic alludes to vocal correspondence that is isolated from the real language. This incorporates factors, for example, manner of speaking, commotion, affectation, and pitch. Consider the amazing impact that manner of speaking can have on the importance of a sentence. When said in a solid manner of speaking, audience members may translate endorsement and excitement. Similar words said in a reluctant manner of speaking may pass on the objection and an absence of intrigue.  

Consider all various ways that basically changing your manner of speaking may change the significance of a sentence. A companion may ask you how you are getting along, and you may react with the standard "I'm fine," yet how you really state those words may uncover a huge measure of how you are truly feeling. A virus manner of speaking may propose that you are not fine, however you don't wish to examine it. A brilliant, cheerful manner of speaking will uncover that you are really doing very well. A grave, sad tone would demonstrate that you are something contrary to fine and that maybe your companion ought to ask further.  

4. Non-verbal communication and Posture    

Stance and development can likewise pass on a lot of data. Research on non-verbal communication has developed essentially since the 1970's, however well-known media have concentrated on the over-translation of protective stances, arm-intersection, and leg-crossing, particularly subsequent to distributing Julius Fast's book Body Language.  

While these nonverbal practices can show emotions and demeanor, look into proposes that non-verbal communication is unquestionably more unobtrusive and less conclusive than recently accepted.  

5. Proxemics    

Individuals frequently allude to their requirement for "individual space," which is likewise a significant kind of nonverbal correspondence. The measure of separation we need and the measure of room we see as having a place with us is impacted by various variables including social standards, social desires, situational factors, character attributes, and level of nature. For instance, the measure of individual space required when having an easygoing discussion with someone else as a rule differs between 18 crawls to four feet. Then again, the individual separation required when addressing a horde of individuals is around 10 to 12 feet.  

6. Eye Stare    

The eyes assume a significant job in the nonverbal correspondence and such things as looking, gazing and flickering are significant nonverbal practices. At the point when individuals experience individuals or things that they like, the pace of flickering increments and understudies expand. Taking a gander at someone else can demonstrate a scope of feelings including threatening vibe, intrigue, and fascination.  

Individuals likewise use eye stare as a way to decide whether somebody is being straightforward. Typical, watchful gaze contact is frequently taken as a sign that an individual is coming clean and is dependable. Tricky eyes and a failure to keep in touch, then again, is regularly observed as a marker that somebody is lying or being tricky.  

7. Haptics    

Imparting through touch is another significant nonverbal conduct. There has been a generous measure of research on the significance of touch in the earliest stages and early youth.

Ladies will in general use contact to pass on care, concern, and nurture. Men, then again, are bound to utilize the contact to declare power or command over others.  

8. Appearance    

Our decision of shading, garments, hairdos, and different elements influencing appearance are additionally viewed as a method for nonverbal communication. Appearance can likewise change physiological responses, decisions, and understandings. Simply think about all the unpretentious decisions you rapidly make about somebody dependent on their appearance. These initial introductions are significant, which is the reason specialists recommend that activity searchers dress suitably for interviews with potential businesses.  

9. Relics    

Items and pictures are likewise apparatuses that can be utilized to convey nonverbally. On an online gathering, for instance, you may choose a symbol to speak to your character on the web and to impart data about what your identity is and the things you like. Individuals regularly invest a lot of energy building up a specific picture and encircle themselves with articles intended to pass on data about the things that are essential to them. Outfits, for instance, can be utilized to transmit an enormous measure of data about an individual. A fighter will wear exhausts, a police officer will wear a uniform, and a specialist will wear a white sterile jacket. At a simple look, these outfits tell individuals what an individual accomplishes professionally. 

Chapter 9:  Facial Expressions

Emotions are caused by other factors beyond facial expressions. For instance, emotions are largely a function of the human system of beliefs and stored information. In other terms, you feel angry when you score less than average marks because the current system equates that to not being smart enough. And the stored information reminds you that you risk repeating the test or not securing a plum employment position, and this entire matter makes you feel hopeless, upset, and stressed.  

There is a possibility that if the belief system did not deem less than average as a failure and the stored information shows a positive outlook for such a score that you will feel happy or excited by the score. 

Additionally, twitching your mouth randomly; either way indicates that one is deliberately not listening or degrading the importance of the message. The facial gesture is realized by closing the lips and randomly twitching the mouth to either the right or left akin to swirling the mouth with mouthwash. The facial expression is also to indicate outright disdain to the speaker or the message. The facial expression is considered a rude way of expressing disgust with the speaker or the message and should be avoided at all costs. 

Where one shuts their lips tightly, then it indicates the individual is feeling angry but does not wish to show the anger. Shutting the lips tightly may also indicate that the person is feeling unease but struggling to concentrate at all costs. The source of the discomfort could be the immediate neighbors, the message, or the speaker. Through this gesture, the individual is indicating he or she simply wants the speaker to conclude the speech because not all people are enjoying the message. 

When one is angry or strongly disapproves of what the speaker is saying, then the person will grimace. A grimace indicates that the person is feeling disgusted by what is being said. In movies or during live interviews, you probably so the interviewee grimaces when an issue or a person that the person feels is disgusting is mentioned. Showing a grimace indicates one harbors a strong dislike for the message or the speaker. A person that is feeling uncomfortable due to sitting on a hard chair, a poorly ventilated room, or sitting next to a hostile neighbor may also show a grimace, which is not necessarily related to the message. 

If one is happy, then one is likely to have a less tense face and a smile. Positive news and positive emotions are manifested as a smile or a less tense facial look. On the other hand, if one is processing negative emotions, then the face of the person is likely to be tensed up due to exerting pressure on the body muscles. A genuine smile like when one is happy is wider than an average curve and is temporary. A prolonged smile that is very wide suggests the individual is smirking at the message or the speaker. A prolonged smile may also suggest the individual is faking the emotion. 

By the same measure, a frozen face may indicate intense fear. For instance, you have seen terrified faces when attending a health awareness forum on sexually transmitted diseases or some medical condition that terrified the audience. In this setting, the face of the audience will appear as if it has been paused. The eyes and the mouth may remain stationary as the speaker presents the scary aspects of the medical condition. It appears negative emotions may slow down the normal conscious and unconscious movement of the muscles of the face. 

If you are a teacher or trainer, then you encounter facial expressions from your students frequently. Assuming that you are a teacher, then you have noticed facial expressions indicating shock, uneasiness, and disapproval when you announce tests or indicate that the scores are out.  

From these facial expressions, you will concur that the students feel uncomfortable, uncertain, and worried. The students will show lines of wrinkles, look down, eyes wide open and mouths agape when sudden and uncomfortable news is announced. Even though the students may indicate they are prepared for the test, their facial expressions suggest otherwise. 

Like all forms of communication, effective reading of facial expressions will happen where the target person is unaware that you are reading even though they understand that their facial expressions are integral to the overall communication. In other terms, when one becomes aware he or she is being studied, then the person will act in an expected manner or simply freeze the expected reaction. It is akin to realizing that someone is feeling you. 

Since the underlying emotion affects the facial expression that one shows. As indicated, the body language overrides verbal communication, which helps reveal the true status of an individual. One possible argument of the body language triumphing over verbal communication could be because the body prioritizes its physiological needs over other needs. The physiological needs are critical to the survivability of an individual.  

Over centuries the human body could have been programmed to increase survivability rate by prioritizing physiological needs. Body language largely indicates the physiological state of an individual, which is meant to help the individual and others respect the true physiological status of the person. 

Chapter 10:  Distance in Communication

Focusing on the United States, there are four types of distances that people use to communicate on a face-to-face basis. These distances are intimate, personal distance, social distance, and public distance. Starting with the intimate distance, it is used for highly confidential exchanges as zero to two feet of space between two individuals marks this zone. An example of intimate distance includes two people hugging, standing side-by-side, or holding hands. Individuals intimate distance share a unique level of comfort with one another. If one is not comfortable with someone approaching them in the intimate zone, he/she will experience a significant deal of social discomfort. 

Firstly, personal distance is used for talking with family as well as close acquaintances. The personal distance can range from two to four feet. Akin to intimate distance, if a stranger walks into the personal zone, the one is likely to feel uneasy being in such proximity with the stranger. 

Secondly, there is the social distance used in business exchanges or when meeting new people and interacting with groups of people. Compared to the other distances, social distance has a larger range in the range that it can incorporate. Its range is four to twelve feet, and it depends on the context. It is used among students, acquaintances, or co-workers. As expected, most participants in the social distance do not show physical contact with one another. Generally, people are likely to be very specific concerning the degree of social distance that is preferred, as some require more physical distance compared to others. In most cases, the individual will adjust backward or forward to get the appropriate social distance necessary for social interactions. 

Thirdly, we have public distance, which is twelve or more feet between individuals. An example of public distance is where two people sit on a bench in a public park. In most cases, the two people on a bench in a public park will sit at the farthest ends of each other to preserve the public space. Each of the earlier types of proximity will significantly influence an individual's perception of what is the appropriate type of distance in specific contexts. One of the factors that contribute to individual perceptions of how proxemics should be used is culture. Individuals from different cultures show different viewpoints on what the appropriate persona; space should be. 

Fourthly, there is the concept of territoriality where individuals tend to feel like they own and should control their personal areas. We are inclined to defend our personal space. When someone invades this personal space, then the individual will react negatively as it is an invasion of territory without express permission. At one point, you asked a stranger to keep some distance from you because you felt uncomfortable with the person standing close to you. Sometimes standing next to a person may also denote that you are creepy and may be intending to harm the person. 

If one is talking to someone, the person violates your personal space, and you allow it, then it signals that you are okay to intimate ideas. Intimate ideas in this context include highly personal issues that one can talk with another person. For instance, if you walk and sit close and in contact with a woman watching television and she approves your behavior, then it is indicative that she is likely to allow you to have a personal talk that may be intimate in nature. Such discussion may include your health challenges or mental health and not necessarily sexual issues. For this reason, one should carefully weigh the need to invade the personal distance. 

Regarding children, violating personal distance will make them freeze due to feeling uncomfortable. If a teacher sits next to a student or stands next to a student, then the student is likely to feel uneasy and nervous. However, they are instances where the invasion of personal space is allowed and seen as necessary. For instance, during interviews or when being examined by a doctor, invasion of private space by the person with an advantage is allowed. The panel during an interview may move or ask you to move closer, which may violate your personal space. A doctor may also stand closer to you, invading your personal space, but this is necessary due to the professional demand for their service. 

As such, when one avoids personal distance, and the individual is expected to be within this space, then the individual may be feeling less confident or feeling ashamed. For instance, if a child has done something embarrassing, he or she is likely to sit or stand far from the parent during a conversation. For this reason, it appears that one should feel confident, assured, and appreciated to approach and remain in personal space when needed. 

Additionally, staying in personal space during intense emotions may portray one as resilient, understanding, and bold. Think of two lovers or sibling quarreling, but each remains in the established personal space. The message that is being communicated is that the individual is confident that he or she can handle the intense emotions from the other person. For most people, they only allow their lover to stay in their personal distance when feeling upset because they trust that the person can handle the known behavior of the affected person. Since being in personal space places a person within physical striking range, most people will only allow trusted and familiar individuals into their personal space. 

Equally, important is that invasion of personal space is justified because it is a part of professional demands. Think of a new teacher that is trying to help a student solve a mathematical equation. In this aspect, the teacher is a stranger because he or she is new to the school. By sitting or standing close to, the student, the teacher is invading the personal space, but the established norms in this context allow the student not to feel unease. For emphasis, this case is not unique as it aligns with stated expectations that people will welcome known or unfamiliar people in their personal space only if they trust them and, in this case, the student feels safe with any teacher. For this reason, the operationalization of distance in communication is mediated and moderated by established culture. 

In most cases, one can start with public distance before allowing the interaction to happen in personal or social space. For instance, as a student during tournaments, you could have initiated nonverbal communication with the student from the other college before suddenly feeling connected to the individual and allowing him or her to move into personal space as a potential girlfriend or boyfriend. At first, the target person saw you as a stranger but allowed you to make nonverbal communication within the public space. When the person felt the need to connect more with you and have given you the benefit of the doubt, the person allowed you to move through public distance and social distance to enter their personal space. 

For instance, a lot can be learned from studying distance and space in communication. Being allowed into the social and personal distances implies that the person trusts that you will not harm them emotionally and physically. For the intimate distance, being allowed into this distance implies that the person trusts you so much and is confident that you can never harm them and that you share a lot. For instance, a mother holding her baby close enough to her signals that the baby is feeling assured of security and protection. When two lovers move, closer until their faces are almost touching suggests trust and confidence that the other person feels safe and protected. 

Relatedly, if arguing with your child or lover and the individual moves farther from you physically, then it suggests that the person no longer feels safe with you being within their personal distance. Issues that can cause someone to expand the distance between you and them include the risk of violence from you and emotional issues. If you occasionally act violently, then chances are, your lover or children will expand the personal distance to social distance because this is where they feel safe due to your personality and character. It then appears that your prior behavior will also affect the distance during communication. 

Nevertheless, they are other issues that cause individuals to extend the distance of interaction, and these include having a medical condition or having hygiene issues. For instance, if you are sweaty, then chances are that the other person may prefer to extend the distance of communication between you and them. Having oral hygiene issues may also make the other person move far away from you because the smell turns them off. For this reason, interpreting the distance between communicators should also include hygiene and health-related issues that impact this distance. 

For instance, some medical conditions can make people maintain some distance from you or be closer to you physically. For instance, some conditions may attract uneasiness, and this includes epilepsy. People with epilepsy get seizures, and this can make people feel unease being closer to them because they inadvertently fall. On the other hand, having hearing issues or sore throat may make people move closer to you physically to facilitate effective communication. However, these are exceptions when analyzing space and distance as forms of nonverbal communication, but they should be taken into account where necessary. 

In some cases, it is welcome to invade personal distance merely by the circumstances. For instance, when attending a match in a full packed stadium or sitting to watch a movie in a movie theater, one will have his personal invaded due to the sitting arrangements. In this context, one may feel uneasy with this arrangement, but he or she has little control over the situation. While we value and seek to protect personal spaces, some situations make us allowing the invasion of this space because it is beyond control. 

Chapter 11: Dark psychology and manipulation

Dark Manipulation, otherwise known as psychological manipulation, is a form of social influence that aims to change how someone behaves or perceives others through indirect, deceptive, and/or underhanded tactics. The manipulator uses these tactics to advance their interests at another’s expense. The methods that they use can be viewed as devious and exploitative. 

Now, social influence is not always dark and negative. It depends on the manipulator’s agenda and how they use their tactics. 

What kind of outcome do they want to have? For instance, people have often used interventions, with emotional manipulation, to help their loved ones change from their bad habits or behaviors. When social influence is harmless, the person has a right to choose what they are being offered or reject it. They are not forced into making a certain decision. If this is not the case, then it is dark manipulation, and the person is using their interests as an advantage to gain something from the other person. 

Some things that motivate manipulators are: 

The need to feel in control due to a feeling of powerlessness in their lives.

The need to feel a sense of power or authority over others and to lift their self-esteem.

The need to fulfill a sense of boredom. Often manipulators consider hurting others as a type of game.

Sometimes the manipulator is not consciously aware of what they are doing. They often feel like their emotions are invalid, and they forecast those emotions onto others, i.e., trying to justify their fear of commitment.

Having a hidden agenda that can be criminal. This can include financial manipulation that is often used on the elderly or unprotected wealthy who have often been targeted to obtain their financial assets.

There are three, things that the manipulator must be aware of and know: 

How to conceal their aggressive intentions and behaviors and how to be sweet and pleasant to get what you want, i.e., buttering someone up.

Know their victims’ vulnerabilities. This will allow the manipulator to know what tactics would be more effective.

Having no moral qualms about being ruthless, as well as not caring if you hurt the victim in some ways. The end is justifying the means, as the saying goes.

The Dark Triad  

Personality Vulnerabilities   

Manipulation predators or dark manipulators use many techniques to control their victims. They look for certain types of people with certain types of personalities. Those types of personalities that are often prey to manipulators are those with low or no self-esteem, those who are easy to please, those with low or no self-confidence, who have no sense of assertiveness, and are very naïve. 

Let’s explain these personality traits in more detail:

Those who are naïve find it virtually impossible to accept the fact that particular people in their lives can be cunning, devious, and ruthless. They will constantly deny that they are being victimized.

Those who are over-conscientious give the manipulator the benefit of the doubt, even if they know in the back of their mind, they are right. They are hoping they are not and take the blame.

Those who have low self-confidence start to doubt themselves and what they are experiencing, they are not assertive, and they easily defensive because they don’t want to make waves.

Those who are emotionally dependent have a submissive and dependent personality. When the victim is more emotionally dependent, the manipulator has an easier time exploiting and manipulating them.

Those who over-intellectualize want to believe the manipulator and try to understand their reason for harming others, especially the victim themselves.

Those who tend to use others to their own advantage fall under the “Dark Triad’. As defined earlier in this book, it is “a set of traits that include the tendency to seek admiration and special treatment (otherwise known as narcissism), to be callous and insensitive (psychopathy) and to manipulate others .Studies have indicated that the triad consists of a lot of undesirable behaviors, such as aggressiveness, impulsivity, and sexual opportunism. 

When people show signs of these characteristics, they are trying to get away with using others to get what they want. Each one of these personality traits can make life difficult for people, but all of these traits combined can be dangerous to anyone’s mental health. Those who have any one of these personality traits show some of these behaviors: seeking out multiple sex partners, acting out aggressively to get what they want, having high or low self-esteem, and not viewing themselves highly.  Most of these traits are shown by men.

Knowing more about the dark triad will help you protect yourself from those who wish to manipulate you and use you to their advantage. Research has been done to analyze the differences between all three personality traits within the triad. They have found that all three malevolent personalities “act aggressively out of self-interest and lack empathy and remorse. They’re skilled at manipulation, exploit, and deceive others, though their motivations and tactics vary. They violate social norms and moral values and lie, deceive, cheat, steal, and bully.

However, psychopathy and Machiavellianism are more related because of their malicious behavior. Those who fall under the narcissist umbrella are very defensive and are surprisingly fragile. Their arrogance and ego are just a cover for their feelings of inadequacy. Men are prone to psychopathic traits and behavior due to biological factors (testosterone), as well as social norms. 

It is important to note those people who have one of these three personality disorders are not trustworthy, are selfish, are not straightforward, are not kind, or modest, and they do not comply or compromise; which are all qualities that are not good for any type of relationship. If you know someone that enumerates any of the dark triad traits, you might want to see if you are a victim of these techniques. 

Manipulation Techniques  

Lying is one of the very first techniques that manipulators use. It is a technique that pathological liars or psychopaths use when they want to confuse their victims. If they are constantly lying to them, their victims will often be unaware of the truth. Those who use this tactic have no moral or ethical apprehension about it. 

Telling half-truths or only telling part of a story is another tactic that can be used to manipulate someone. People like this will often keep things to themselves because it puts the victim at a disadvantage. They can get what they want by waiting to tell them the rest of the story until their needs are met. 

Being around someone who has frequent mood swings can often make a person vulnerable to their manipulations. Not knowing what mood that person will be in, whether they will be happy, sad, or angry can be a very useful tactic for the manipulator. It keeps the victim off balance and easy to manipulate because they will often do what the manipulator wants to keep them in a good mood. 

Another tactic that is often used by narcissists is known as love bombing. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be in a relationship but can be used in friendship, as well. Those that use this tactic will charm the victim to death and have them believe that this is the best relationship or friendship that has ever happened to them. They will use the victim for what they want, and then when they are done, they drop them and the victim has no idea what happened. 

A tactic that can be used in extreme cases by the manipulator is that of punishment. This makes the victim feel guilty of something they did wrong, even if they didn’t do anything at all. Some punishments that they can inflict on their victims are consistent nagging, shouting, mental abuse, giving them the silent treatment, and even as bad as physical violence. 

Denial is often a tactic that is used when a manipulator feels pushed in a corner, and they feel like they will be exposed for the fake that they are. In this instance, they will manipulate the victim into believing that they are doing the very thing the manipulator is being accused of. 

Spinning the truth is a tactic often used by politicians. It is used to twist the facts to suit their needs or wants. Sociopaths use this technique to disguise their bad behavior and justify it to their victims. 

Minimizing is when a manipulator will play down their behavior and/or actions. They move the blame onto the victim for overreacting when their actions are harmful, and the person has a valid reason for feeling the way they do. 

It is often interesting when the manipulator pretends to become the victim. They do this to gain sympathy or compassion from their real victims. They do this so that their victims feel a sense of responsibility to help and end their suffering, especially if they feel that they are the cause of that person’s suffering. 

Another way that the manipulator can move the blame onto the victim is by targeting the victim and accusing them of wrongdoing. The victim will then start to defend themselves, while the manipulator hides their manipulation away from the victim. This can be dangerous because the victim is so focused on defending themselves that they forget to notice what is right in front of them. 

Using the positive reinforcement tactic tricks the victim into thinking that they are getting something for helping the manipulator get what they want. This can be through purchasing them expensive presents, praising them, giving them money, constantly apologizing for their behavior, giving them lots of attention and all-around buttering them up. 

There are times when a person knows where they stand with someone. However, in any type of relationship, the manipulator might keep moving the goal just to confuse their victim because they thought that everyone was still on the same page. 

Another manipulation tactic that manipulators like to use is known as diversion. This tactic is commonly used to divert a certain conversation away from what the manipulator is doing. The new topic is created to get the victim to lose focus on what the manipulator is doing or trying to do. 

Sarcasm is a tactic that can be used to lower the self-esteem and confidence of a victim through embarrassment. The manipulator will use sarcasm – usually saying something about the victim- in front of other people. This gives the manipulator power over the victim because they just made them feel very small. 

Guilt trips are another tactic that a manipulator will use against their victim. In this instance, they will often tell their victims that they don’t care about them or love them; they will indicate that they are selfish and that their life is easy. It keeps the victim confused and anxious because they want to please the manipulator by letting them know that they care about them and will do anything for them. 

Another way that a manipulator will move the blame is to play the innocent card when the victim accuses them of their tactics. They will act shocked or show confusion at the accusation. The act of being surprised is convincing to the victim, and it makes them question their judgment and if what they are feeling is wrong. 

A dangerous tactic that a manipulator can use is that of extreme aggression. Rage and aggression are used to force the victim to submit. The anger and rage are a tactic that scares the victim to stop talking about the conversation. They pretty much want to help keep the manipulator’s anger in check. 

Isolation is another dangerous tactic used by manipulators. It is a control mechanism that is used by manipulators to keep their victims from their family, friends, and loved ones who can expose the manipulator for who they really are. The manipulator might know that their victim can be manipulated, but their friends and family can see right through them, and they are not done using their victim yet. 

And, one of the last tactics that manipulators, such as psychopaths and sociopaths use is that of fake love and empathy. These types of people do not know how to love others besides themselves and have a hard time loving others and showing empathy towards others.

How to Use Dark Psychology to Manipulate Others  

People around us may use dark psychology tactics every day to manipulate, influence, persuade and intimidate us to take advantage and get what they want. As you get to know that dark psychology includes the science and art of mind control and manipulation. Whereas psychology is different from dark psychology as it is the study of human behavior and our actions, interactions and thoughts are centered with them. Some people get confused and don't know the difference between psychology and dark psychology. However, if you want to manipulate others, you need to know how to use dark psychology.  

Here are a different kind of people who know the tactics of manipulating others-  

a) Manipulation is an art and you need to know the tactics to meet your needs first, even at someone else's expense. Though these kinds of people are known to be self-centered, and they are good when it comes to manipulating and intimidating others. These people are not bothered with the outcomes but they have an agenda of self before others, no matter what.   

b) People who are good public speakers use dark psychological and persuasion tactics to maximize the emotional state of the listeners which leads to an increase in the sale of their product (whatever they were selling to the audience). These people also know the moment and time of taking advantage of the emotional turmoils of other people.   

c) Some people meet clinical diagnosis, as they are true sociopaths. However, these people usually are intellectual, alluring but alongside they are impulsive. Just because these people do not have much ability to feel remorse and lack of emotionality, they build a superficial relationship and take advantage of innocent people by using dark tactics. They are not concerned about anyone's feelings and are least bothered with what others might do once the innocents know about their true face.  

d) People in politics (usual politicians) use dark tactics to persuade people that they will do the needful and perform the activities in favor of the common people just to get a vote and to become the ruling party.  

e) Some lawyers or attorneys focus solely on winning their case regardless of knowing the truth and even after knowing the truth, using dark manipulating tactics to get the outcome of what they want to win the case. They are not bothered about justice but are only concerned about their reputation and self-esteem.   

f) People in corporate offices who are in a higher position and deployed as the companies regional head use dark psychological tactics to get compliance, higher performance, or greater efforts from their subordinates. They are not cared about 'what their subordinates deserve' or 'is their salary justified as per the work they are performing within the organization'.   

g) People who are involved in the sales department are usually well aware of many of these dark influencing tactics to persuade and convince other people to buy whatever they are selling. They could even disguise the customers, as they are only concerned with selling their product and earning a profit.   

Now that you got to know about different types of people who may deceit you by using these dark tricks, here are the different dark psychological tactics to manipulate the people and make them do what you want them to do-  

1) If you want to sell your product and wish to manipulate your customers to make them surely buy your product, you can use a decoy option. You can use it as the third option. For example, if you are facing a troublesome situation to sell the more expensive of two products, by adding the third option you can make the expensive product more captivating and appealing. You need to make sure that decoy option should be the same price for the more expensive option but assuring that it is less effective. It is a good strategy to increase the sale and entice more customers towards your expensive product.  

2) To win an argument, speak quickly so that the opponent has no other option left but to agree with you. If you speak faster, it will give the other person the less time to process what you are saying and they will agree with you. While you should do the opposite in case when the other person agrees with you, speaking slowly is better as it will give them the time to evaluate and analyze what you are saying.  

3) You can copy the body language of people whom you want to manipulate. Imitating their body actions shall impress them and will make you closer to them and they may start liking you. If you subtly imitate the way the other person is talking, sitting, and walking, they would probably not notice that you are copying them and it may get them to do as per your wants.  

4) Scaring the other people to make them give you what you want and need is one of the dark psychological tactics to manipulate people. Anxious people often respond positively to requests afterward as they may be occupied thinking about the danger they are surrounded with. It would make them feel scared and would do as your saying. Additionally, sometimes, even if you will not say anything they will understand what you need and do what you would have spoken them to do for you.  

5) To get people to behave ethically with you, you need to display an image of the eyes. It means you should create your image as a person who watches, notice and observe the other person by posting a picture of eyes nearby. The other people could never take you like a side option and will return all borrowed items on time.  

6) Tweak such an environment for the people, so that they would act less selfishly. For example, if you were bargaining in a coffee shop, needless to say, you would be less aggressive as compared to what you would be in a conference room. Usually, people tend to act less selfish when neutral items surround them, whereas if work-related objects occupy them, they incline towards more aggression and selfishness.  

7) Try to keep your point complicated and do not make it is straightforward for the people to understand in a first move. To comply with people with your request, confuse them. For example- instead of keeping a price tag of your product for 4 dollars, make it 400 pennies, so that people would first analyze how much dollars would 400 pennies make and if they bargain they will do that in pennies rather than in dollars. Or they may just think that the price given is a deal to go for.  

8) If you help someone to achieve their goals or sort their problems out, the other person tends to return your favor, as they would feel obliged by what you have done for them. This way when the time comes, you may manipulate the other person and is one of the tactics.  

9) Try to ask a question when  one is mentally drained and exhausted.

10) Always make the other person focus on their gaining not losing. Moreover, declare the price of your product at last after telling all the features and benefits of your product. For instance, if you are selling your car in 1000 dollars, always let the other person know about its features, specifications, and benefits first. Then declare its price. The benefits will entice the customer towards the car, and then the price shall not be a constraint.  

11) Do not use verbs; try to use more nouns to change the behavior of the other person towards you. If you use nouns, it will reinforce the identity of the person for whom you may be using it. It will also indicate a specific group which shall be eloquent.  

  How to Deal with Manipulation

Though manipulation does not cause any harm or put the subject in any immediate danger, it is designed to deceive and change the attitude, reasoning, and understanding of the intended subject regarding a particular situation or topic and is good to protect yourself and your loved ones against it. 

Social influence, such as a teenager inducted into a culture or a society to interact with different people either at home or at work, is admirable. Any social influence that regards the privilege and right of individuals to decide, without been intimidated, is usually seen as something that is helpful. 

Then again, social influence is despised when people beguile others to maneuver their way against other people’s will. The impact can be very destructive and generally looked down upon as very weak in nature. 

As soon as the victim of this seduction doesn’t provide the thing that their seducer wants, the seducer is going to leave. So, if the victim starts to feel that they are being used and withholds sex from the seducer, the seducer will simply leave the relationship and move on to their next victim. 

The seducer has no worries about the other partner in the relationship. A true seducer is only going to see the other person as a tool, something that helps the seducer get the pleasure that they want. As soon as that tool stops doing the job that it’s supposed to, the seducer will move on to find a new person to do the work for them. 

A dark seducer may move quickly between one relationship to the next, or they may even stay in a relationship for a long time. It all depends on the situation and how long the seducer is able to keep the victim under their control. Some victims stand up for themselves pretty quickly. The longer the victim is under the control of the dark seducer, the harder it is for them to leave. 

This doesn’t mean that the dark seducer has learned how to love their victim. It simply means that the dark seducer has become used to the way that things are, and they will use their powers and their mind controls techniques to keep the victim right where they are. 

It is important for you to be aware of dark seduction. While some men may choose to use some ideas of dark seduction to help them gain some confidence, avoid some issues with their fear of rejection, and make it easier for them to meet women, there are many that will use these techniques because they don’t really care about the other person at all. They have specific goals that they want to reach in the relationship, and they will get there, no matter who gets hurt in the process. 

If you do end up getting into one of these relationships, it can be devastating. The dark manipulator is really skilled at using dark seduction techniques to get what they want. They will find a victim who is vulnerable, and they will present the right solution that the victim needs at that time. For example, they may find a victim who just got out of a major relationship, and they will step in to feel the need for that victim not to be lonely any longer. 

The seducer is going to be charming, fun, and the perfect person for that victim. The victim may feel like they have found their soul mate, but the seducer is just there to get what they want out of the relationship. Sure it may last for some time, but as soon as the victim is no longer meeting the needs of the seducer, the seducer will be gone. 

This will leave the victim hurt and broken. They may have overly trusted the seducer (because the seducer is skilled at reading the victim and knew exactly what to do and say to gain that trust and get what they want), and now they are broken. They may go through depression and anxiety and even have trouble trusting others in the future. 

Because of all these negatives that come with dark seduction, it is important to watch out for the signs. If you run into dark seduction with a narcissist or with a psychopath, it is even more important to watch for the signs. These individuals are not there to care about what the other person wants. They simply look out for themselves, they feel that they deserve what they want, and they don’t have the capacity to care about how it is going to harm the other person. 

Due to the way that the relationship was started, including the romance, attraction, the mutual feeling that you found a soul mate (all created by the seducer to get what they want) when things start to take a lot of wrong turns, it is likely to be too late for you, the victim, to walk away. This can be especially true if you went into that particular picture without a good idea of what you wanted in the relationship. Without this clear picture, you would not have the determination to walk away from that relationship when it didn’t meet your expectations. 

This is why you must always make sure that you know what you want to get out of the relationship before one begins. This will help you be prepared if the relationship becomes something else because you will be able to see when it is going away from your chosen course. You will give yourself a chance to see it for what it is before you damage your self-worth so much where you will stay in that relationship and accept the bad treatment. 

This can be hard. Many times we feel that we need a relationship like we are not worth anything unless we are in a relationship with someone else. Then, when we are not in a relationship, we are going to feel like something is missing, and we jump into the first relationship that comes available. This is where the issues will start. 

Before you jump into the next relationship, it is important to take some time to soul search. Remember there is nothing wrong with not being in a relationship all the time. Taking some time for yourself and really exploring where you are at that time in your life, and what you would like to happen in your next relationship can make a difference. 

This gives you a good idea of what kind of relationship you want to be in. You won’t just jump into the next relationship because you are needy or because you worry about being alone. You will have specific goals in mind, and if you feel the relationship isn’t going in the right direction, you will be able to step out before the dark seducer gets too deep and tries to take control over you. 

The first thing that you should do here is to start with some deep thinking and even some soul-searching and decide on the details of the relationship that you are looking to enjoy at that time in your life. Describe what you want out of the other person in this partnership. Describe how you want to feel in this relationship. Set out some clear boundaries and then make sure that you understand why you have these boundaries.

Chapter 12 Tips and Tricks for Reading and Analyzing People

Now that we have had a chance to look at speed reading, and what it is all about, it is time to pay attention to some ways that we are able to use speed reading to help us pick out of the right target, work with the target in the proper manner, and ensure that we are going to be able to pick the right technique to use on them.    

Speed reading isn’t necessarily as hard to do as it may seem. We will often speed read those around us without even noticing. If you have ever ignored or stayed away from someone because you felt the anger and frustration from them, and you didn’t want to get into it with them, then this is an example of how you used speed reading to see how that person was doing, and then protect yourself by avoiding them. 

As a manipulator though, you need to take this up a notch. Your goal is to catch on to some things that may be hidden, the things that the target and others around you don’t necessarily want to share, but they end up doing so through their emotions, their actions, and your own intuition. This is how you really start to know your target and can make it easier to manipulate them. Some tips, and techniques that you can focus on when it comes to speed reading your target, as well as speed reading some other people around you in all situations include:    

Listen to What your Intuition is Telling You    

Your intuition is going to be super important when it comes to working with a target. Sometimes you will find someone who may seem like the perfect target, but there is something about them that sends your intuition through the roof and you don’t feel comfortable with it. It is much better to wait for the right target and listen to your intuition than to jump in and end up with too much work and trouble in the process.    

Often our intuition is going to sense things and know things before our conscious mind is able to catch up. And if we learn how to follow it and listen to the warning that it is giving to us, we are going to see that some action is not the best for us to take. It may seem a bit silly and like we are missing out on a lot of opportunities out there, but in reality, it could save us a lot of work and effort in the process.    

Now, your intuition can also come into play to help you avoid getting manipulated. Just because you are using dark manipulation and dark psychology does not mean that someone else is not trying to do the same thing to you or that you are immune to some effects. Assuming this is going to land you in a lot of issues and can make it difficult to get the results that you want with your own manipulation. How are you supposed to manipulate someone else and get them to do what you want if someone is already working on and manipulating you at the same time?   

Listening to your intuition will not only help you to speed read another person and pick out of the right target to use for your needs but will ensure that no one else is going to take advantage of you. You will be able to sense when someone else is trying to use these tactics on you, especially when you are using them at the same time. So, listen to that intuition so that you can keep yourself safe in the process as well.    

The final thing that we are going to take a look at here is the idea of the emotional energy from the target. This emotional energy is going to tell you a lot about that person and can help you to understand what they are feeling and how they are going to act. When someone is happier and upbeat, this usually means they have had a good day or some good news, and they are more likely to want to help you out and do a favor. But when they are down and not feeling the best it is likely that they will be more closed off and harder to work with to get to do what you want.    

Now, someone in a different mood may not react in the same manner. They may not want to open up, if they are in a bad mood, they will think the world is out to get them and will be more frustrated when you do ask for a favor. Or they will get sad and want to close up to you. If you ask this kind of person for a favor or try to manipulate them, it is going to end up badly for you. The target is going to get upset, will refuse you, and it could end the relationship and the bond that you are trying to create.    

This doesn’t mean that you have to give up hope. But it helps you to stop and think about whether this is the right time to ask or favor or try to manipulate your target. But that doesn’t mean that they won’t be ready to manipulate later on. It simply means that you need to do some work first. 

This may not open the door for your work right now, but it will later. The target is going to be thankful that you took the time to help them feel better about the situation, and they are going to remember that you made them laugh, made their day better, and helped them to get out of a sour mood. And later, when they are in a better mood and you need some help, they will be more willing to help you out without any issues along the way.    

Speed reading people is a unique thing that you can add into your psychology plan and it could really take some of your manipulations to the next level. This method is going to ensure that you really know the person you want to target and will make it easier for you to find the right target, figure out how to manipulate them, and even learn when the right time to start some manipulations is.  

Step by Step Tips for Reading Others  

1. Create a drawing board for your mind 

Human and behavior are so close like a living man is to his breath. However, you should expect so many diverse ways of practices from them. You could be on a public bus, and someone suddenly clears his throat. This means so many things, depending on the situation at the ground in the bus or an occurrence that just ending in the van. When this happens, you give yourself a guessable opinion of what that could mean, and that’s the origin of understanding people.  

Another person might scratch his beards, which most times might mean disapproval or a non-challenge attitude towards the discussion at hand. So, taking proper notice at everything around us goes a long way in understanding when people cross their legs, or suddenly squints or strokes their necks. People do these things and behave each time for different reasons, which indicate anger, nervousness, deception, or disapproval at times. Funny enough, a particular signal might mean a thousand things, so you would ask, how do I get the exact meaning? It’s never far-fetched; all you need do is get a mental picture of the situation at hand. This way, the baseline or background check you’ve created between your opinion and the signal would match. 

2. Check for consistencies 

Paying close attention to the mental picture you've created in your mind and someone's words or gestures is a sure way to hit it right. How do I mean? You should always endeavor to update you about any sudden changes between the initial background check you’ve created for that person in question and what he now does. Inconsistency is the father for a foul play, so you should take note of this. Let me explain for a while, the head producer of your company has always been coming early to the workplace and leaving immediately after the close of the day’s business.  

Suddenly, you noticed that he has started going late all of a sudden, to you, what do you think is happening? This further takes you to other questions that what might have happened? Studying consistencies gives you a light to the status quo and when it finally changes form. You would notice his recent change in behavior is due to something you do not know, which you must confirm, and that forms the basis of knowing more. It also creates the ground onto which you question further, asking more questions into knowing the exact cause of such inconsistency.  

3. Take note of gestures earlier 

Remember, actions don’t just occur, but with a corresponding meaning it stands to hold. Of course, there are possibilities of having a combination of gestures all at once, and you wonder what that means again. No big deal just take notice earlier and refer back to your background check and its relevance in the newly discovered gestures that just joined the old one. Studying someone’s personality critically is a clear indication to relate to them without reservations, and it includes getting to know how the person in question handles risks, ego, challenges, fatigue, etc.  

For example, if your head producer after leaving the workplace so early still gives another particular strange signal, don’t you think you should watch his back? You would discover that when you probe people like that, he gives you another great message, and that’s how the chain goes on and on. Just take note of precaution and better caution to deal with the situation.  

4. Make a proper comparison 

Its fine to notice the change in people’s behaviors, but it’s more beautiful to know what has changed and why it changed. You may have been studying someone for a while now due to his different way of acting than usual, but you need to get close. Make your observations key to ensure how recurrent the action takes place, the venue it takes place, and with whom it takes place. This art of studying gives you a clearer picture of who the person is, who he has been, and the thin line between the two.  

Inquiring is the firsthand theory in bringing assumptions into better understanding, so it’s essential to make a proper comparison so, you could act faster as you should. Does the person act differently when money is involved? Does the person relate well after confronting him with your observations? These, and many more questions would come to fore, and you begin to have a direction. 

5. Identify the voice strength and walking posture 

Due to the pressure associated with guilt, the most influential person isn’t the one with a faint voice. The power of a voice determines if the person in question is at fault or not. However, you should know a loud sound is different from a confident and a strong one. So always take note of the sure voice in the crowd when issues arise, or you need to read people’s minds through verbal communication. For example: In the case of the head producer, take note of his walking posture and how he does his head. With this, there is a high possibility of analyzing people that way successfully because his head down might mean he lacks the confidence to face his guilt.  

Conclusion

The ability to influence others is a very helpful function. Influencers share a common collection of behaviors that ensure consistent performance. To influence their decisions, it is important to build a strong relationship with your peers.

Influencers find out the advantages of an idea and place a scenario or condition around it so that it has a considerable impact on the person—brand influencers themselves. Influencers aren't just advertisers, let's face the fact that they are one of the major businessmen and don't just create forums, as they have their websites. You don't just compete and sell because you could start your own business. They're just selling their titles. When you support another business or corporation, it's like you've watched the brand or organization's name.

Influencers explore other means of manipulating other and high levels of suppleness. For example, an influencer anticipates achieving a certain number of followers by the end of September, but the outcomes are far too far or have not reached the intended goal so that the influencer searches for and seeks to maximize his followers. Remember that a superbly agile influencer can always manipulate a scenario.

GASLIGHTING

Recognize Manipulative and how to avoid the Gaslight Effect.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, Aggressive Narcissist, Personality disorder, Codependency, Empath, Covert Emotional Manipulation.

Written by : Jack Mind

Introduction

Gaslighting occurs in personal relationships and professional relationships, and in other cases, gaslighting is used by public figures to change the perceptions of targeted members of the population. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It can make you start to doubt your ability to perceive reality correctly. It can make you think you didn't see what you thought you saw or hear what you thought you heard; and you start to wonder if you can trust the information you are getting from your five senses. Moreover, this, in turn, will make you begin to think that there must be something wrong with you, and you will begin to doubt your sanity.

It doesn't matter whether it is happening in a personal relationship (parent to child, between romantic partners) or a professional relationship at work or even between members of the same community. Gaslighting creates an abusive situation which can cause serious health problems if the victim continues to be in such a position for a long time.

And no matter whether it occurs in a personal relationship or a working relationship, between a public figure and the members of the public or somewhere else, it is essential to be aware of the signs that you or someone you know might be a victim of gaslighting, as this awareness is the first step to getting out of the damaging situation. The first step to take towards being free from gaslighting is to recognize exactly what gaslighting is. It is often very hard to recognize the signs of gaslighting, because they affect the mind so much that, after a long period of time, the victim doesn’t trust their own thoughts.

This book discusses in detail how to distinguish gaslighting behavior from typical behavior by shedding light on the different kinds of gaslighting techniques. It also aims to provide you with information about what to do if you find yourself a victim of such a negative situation.

Gaslighting, which will be defined fully in the following chapters, is a technique used by narcissists to manipulate people. Narcissists are self- centered and arrogant people who lack empathy for others. They live in their own world and believe they are unique and special. Hence, they always seek attention and praise from others.

A narcissist will frequently use gaslighting, as a narcissist’s goal is to disorient the victim to gain total control over them. A narcissist achieves this aim by gradually sowing seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind, and in the end, the narcissist controls the victim to do their bidding.

In addition to promoting awareness about gaslighting, this book is written with the more precise aim of exposing the extent to which narcissists use gaslighting as a means of manipulation to control and abuse their victims both physically and mentally. They expose the words narcissists say and the actions they take to abuse victims. It is one thing to recognize what gaslighting is, and it is another to know how narcissists use it. It is also a different thing entirely to uncover the effects of gaslighting and guard against them - or better still, avoid the effects in the first place.

Most importantly, they show you how to protect yourself and even remove yourself from the control of a gaslighting narcissist.

Chapter 1. Gaslighting

Gas-lighting is the endeavor of someone else to wind your reality. Narcissists can't and don't assume liability for their conduct. Rather, they look to disgrace and accuse others of evading the awful feelings. This is once in a while referred to as projection. 

The problem is, gaslighting is slippery. It plays on our most exceedingly awful feelings of dread, our most restless musings, and our most profound wishes to be comprehended, acknowledged, and loved. At the point when somebody we trust, regard, or love talks with incredible conviction—especially if there's a trace of legitimacy in his words, or if he's hit on one of our “red buttons”—it tends to be difficult not to trust him. Furthermore, when we glorify the deceiver—when we need to consider him to be the love of our life, a commendable boss, or a brilliant parent—then, we make it more difficult to adhere to our sense of reality. Our deceiver should be correct; we have to win his endorsement; thus, the gaslighting goes on. Neither of you might know about what's truly occurring. The gaslighter may truly accept each word he lets you know or genuinely feel that he's just sparing you from yourself. Keep in mind: His own needs are driving him. Your deceiver may appear to be a solid, influential man, or he may have all the earmarks of being an unreliable, fit of rage tossing young man; in any case, he feels frail and feeble. To feel ground-breaking and safe, he needs to demonstrate that he is correct, and he needs to get you to concur with him. Then, you have admired your deceiver and are edgy for his endorsement, although you may not intentionally understand this. But if there's even a little bit of you that believes you're bad enough without anyone else—if even a little piece of you believes you need your gaslighter’s love or endorsement to be fulfilled—at that point, you are powerless to gaslight. What's more, a deceiver will exploit that helplessness to make you question yourself, again and again. 

Gaslighting defies boundaries

When somebody is gaslighting you, they are trying to convince you that your boundaries and perceptions are ridiculous and invalid.

If something they say bothers you because it is abusive or untrue, they will tell you that you are overreacting, or that what you are saying is stupid. They will tell you that it doesn't bother anybody else except you and that you're just being overly sensitive. Even spiritual people are not immune from this, because you might be told that their behavior wouldn’t bother you if you were more enlightened. So, in essence, gaslighting and manipulation techniques make you doubt your boundaries or make you drop your boundaries altogether by convincing you that your boundaries are stupid and invalid.

The truth is that your boundaries aren’t anybody’s business but yours. Nobody gets to determine what boundaries you will have. If something bothers you, then nobody gets to tell you how you feel. When you enforce a boundary, you are not only fighting for the boundary itself, but, more importantly, for your right to set boundaries in the first place. Don't let another person convince you that your boundary isn't big enough for you to take a stand over. It is. Such a way of thinking is really disrespectful.

It’s very disrespectful and dishonoring to stand on somebody else's boundary. There is a difference between controlling somebody else by telling them how to behave, and setting a boundary by which you are telling the person not to behave a certain way to you. Reinforcing a boundary means that you are going to have to walk away from someone or from something when they do something wrong to you. Now, realize that it's not about stopping someone from living their life the way they want to live their life, nor is it taking their freedom away from them. It’s simply about choosing to engage with or not engage with people who behave in a certain way or who don't respect your boundaries.

Setting up an angry beast

The second form of manipulation is to become an angry beast. This is where somebody tries to become angrier than you when you get angry with them, in order to squash your challenge or rebellion. You might even be just mildly annoyed about something and want to talk to your partner about it, but they explode at you so that you find yourself backing down. You will be so shocked because you were talking about something which was relatively small, and they just turned it into something huge. You will want to back down and not deal with that type of drama. Often, you will be trying to defend your boundaries, and that is what causes the explosion.

This angry beast will come at you with an emotional response that is way out of proportion to the situation or the position that you're trying to defend. You will back down and, often times, you won’t even try to stand up for yourself again because you are absolutely not willing to go up against that angry beast. The deceiver is counting on that.

But when you are defending a proper boundary or setting a boundary, it doesn't really matter what the boundary is all about nor does it really matter whether that person sees it as valid or not. Once you have clearly communicated a boundary and the other person says that he will not accept it, you must follow through on the consequences or you will be intimidated into silence and submission. That is what the angry beast wants.

Hijacking the issue

The next manipulative technique is hijacking the issue. This happens when you raise a topic that challenges someone, and he takes it off on a tangent to distract you so that you will not set that boundary or defend that boundary. For example, let's say it’s late at night and your spouse hasn't come home from work. They haven’t called and you are really worried because you have no idea where they are or if something has happened to them. They finally come home, and you confront them with how worried you were, and ask them where they were and why they didn’t even call you to let you know that they would be late.

Rather than answer your concern and questions, they go off on a tangent about how stressed they are at work and how you're not just getting it. They might start to get angry and accuse you of having no sympathy for them. You then find yourself on the defensive side of the conversation, and even apologize to them. Now you’re no longer talking about the original topic – how late they were and why they didn’t call – but talking about them, and what’s bothering them. In the end, they will avoid answering your question altogether.

They have hijacked the conversation and turned it in a different direction. You will often find yourself sitting them down and apologizing to them, and feeling like you shouldn’t bother them with your little concerns.

People who use these manipulation tactics are not doing so in a conscious way. They’re not doing this on purpose. So they are not hijacking a conversation on purpose, but they are doing it none the less. They don’t intend to work up to being an angry beast, or trample on your boundaries, but they do. They do it to control and manipulate you into always putting them first.

Chapter 2. Understanding the Ins and Outs
of Gaslighting

In 1944, a movie called Gaslight was released that changed the way people thought about manipulation and its immense power. This movie shows the story of a husband character that manipulates his wife and her life to such an extent that she begins to believe that she has become insane.

In this movie too, just like in my life, the wife, Paula, gets completely caught up with the charms of Gregory, the man who woos and wins her. After a whirlwind romance, they get married, and then the tragedy begins. Gregory begins to show his true personality so subtly that Paula begins to think that everything is alright with her husband and that she is going crazy.

The husband in the film dimmed the gas lights in the house and insisted that the wife imagined that the light was dim. His insistence and manipulation were so powerful that the poor, hapless woman begins to think that she is going crazy. And so, the name gaslighting came to be used for such devious and evil manipulative tactics to deliberately steer people away from their real lives and life experiences.

The movie itself is based on a 1938 play of the same name. The ultimate aim of the villainous husband was, of course, to drive his wife to insanity so that he could put her away in a mental institution and claim her inheritance.

Gaslighting is the name used by psychologists to refer to the tactics used by people with a personality disorder to control and manipulate the lives of other people, either individuals or a group of people. These tactics are so strong and go so deep that the manipulated people tend to doubt and question everything in their own lives; their reality, perceptions, feelings, experiences, and interpretations of these experiences. If someone can have this kind of maniacal control over your life, then there is little doubt that your life and sanity are in danger.

At this juncture, it is important to differentiate gaslighting from those tactics that many people use to annoy and irritate the people around them. Gaslighting tactics have a dark quality that annoying but innocuous behavior of certain people doesn't have. It is imperative that you clearly differentiate between the two so that you don't end up judging everyone you come across wrongly.

But you must know for certain that gaslighting is a very serious problem, and you must learn to discern such behavior and stay as far away from such people as possible. After all, having your reality taken from you can be quite dangerous, and if not managed sensibly can prove disastrous for you and your loved ones.

The difficult thing about understanding gaslighting is that the behavioral signs might start out as something very small and insignificant. For example, the manipulator could correct a small detail in a story or life experience you are narrating. Of course, then his or her correction makes sense, and you accept it wholeheartedly. Slowly, that ‘past victory’ becomes the focal point and keeps rearing its ugly head in all your interactions with the concerned individual, and before you know it, you become his or her slave completely losing touch with your reality and life.

Deliberately, you will be pushed to such an extent that taking simple daily decisions might become difficult for you. Driven by the seeds of self-doubt sowed by the deceiver, you could find yourself second-guessing every decision you make.  Like I already told you in the introduction chapter, even the clothes I wore became my husband’s decision. At some point, the victim is likely to feel that he or she cannot take any decision whatsoever and depends on every little thing on the manipulator. 

Furthermore, the aggressor will slowly convince you that his or her behavior is also your fault. The more you apologize for your behavior, the greedier the aggressor’s ego becomes, and the person demands an increasing level of apology and supplicating behavior from you. 

The aggressor gets so deep into his or her gaslighting attitude that you will find it exceedingly difficult to reach out and seek help from other people in the fear that they will go against your aggressor. When you are completely and irrevocably under the aggressor’s control, then the person dumps you and seeks new ‘conquests.’ 

History of Gaslighting

While the term ‘gaslighting’ was introduced during the early 1940s, the concept of manipulative behavior for controlling people and altering people’s imagined realties has been part of human history for a long time. The victims were simply ‘diagnosed’ with this condition. They simply withered away in a lunatic asylum or some other institution, alone, depressed, and completely neglected.

Can you recall the story of ‘The Emperor Clothes?’ What happened there? Did the smart salesman drive every observer on the street to believe that the emperor was clothed in the finest of garments when, in reality, he was stark naked? A little, guileless child saved the day for the rest of the people who believed that if they couldn’t see the clothes on their emperor, then it was their fault.

In 1981, psychologist Edward Weinshel wrote an article entitled “Some Clinical Consequences of Introjection: Gaslighting,” in which he explained the concept in the following way. The manipulator ‘externalizes and projects’ the image or thought, and the victim ‘internalizes and assimilates’ the information into his or her psyche unquestioningly. The ‘victim’ takes in all the faults, mistakes, and irrationality in such relationships. 

Why Does Gaslighting Happen?

Simply put, gaslighting is all about having control. This need for control or domination could stem from personality disorders like narcissism, antisocial issues, unresolved childhood trauma, or any other reason. 

Gaslighting behavior is usually seen between people involved in power dynamics where one person invariably wields more power than the other person or people in the relationship equation. The victim of gaslighting tactics is typically on a lower rung than the manipulator and is also terrified of losing something in the relationship. The target of the manipulative relationship is likely to be a codependent partner in the relationship.

For example, in a romantic relationship, the wife might feel the compulsion to put up with manipulative behavior because she WANTS to be in the relationship and/or desires the other things that it brings. Such people are ready to change their perceptions to align with those of the manipulative partner so as to avoid conflicts and to allow things to happen smoothly.

On the other hand, the manipulator continues to be one because he or she is scared of being seen as something less important or significant than desired. Another critical perspective of the deceiver is that the person may not realize that he or she is behaving in ways that could harm or hurt the ‘target.’ They could be indulging in gaslighting tactics simply because they were reared like that. 

For example, if a person was brought up by parents who believe in the concept of absolute certainty, then this person may not know that other perspectives can exist and that they can be right. Such people could be primed to think that anyone who has a different approach or perspective is wrong. Further, they could believe that people with these ‘wrong’ notions should be corrected, and thus resort to gaslighting tactics; an approach found commonly in a family and among loved ones.

And then, there are the ones who employ gaslighting to show off their dominance and power with little or no care toward the pain and agony inflicted on the target. Sometimes, the ‘dominance and power’ could also be a facade for the manipulator’s insecurities and fears. Whatever it is, gaslighting is employed to dominate unfairly over other people.

Where Does Gaslighting Happen?

Gaslighting can happen and be experienced by anyone and everyone. For example, you could be a victim of such tactics from your spouse, partner, colleague, or sometimes, even a parent. In fact, gaslighting tactics are not restricted to the personal or professional realm. 

Gaslighting strategies are used even in public life, affecting an entire group of people. There are multiple instances in which you can clearly see gaslighting techniques by President Donald Trump and his administration. Most experts agree that politics is a field where spreading lies is taken and accepted to be a stereotypical attitude. However, President Trump seems to have taken it a bit too far. 

In the initial days of his office, President Trump - along with his administration staff - are believed to have lied so blatantly that there was a shade of arrogance and utter contempt for the intelligence of the American people. It was like the concerned officials were baiting the common people, telling them to rise up and revolt against the nastiness if you can; this was a clear sign of narcissistic personality disorder. 

For instance, the administration lied about the crowd size at the Presidential swearing-in. It was clear that photos from President Obama’s swearing-in were manipulated to look like the current one. It was so easy to detect this lie that for some people, it was like a war cry to the media, which was most likely to be discredited by Americans for putting such lies on their websites and publications.

At a personal level, gaslighting tactics are used by manipulative people who want to control the lives of their family members. Think of a physically and emotionally abusive spouse wreaking havoc on his or her partner or the children in the family, and you can easily discern gaslighting behavior.

Where is Gaslighting Typically Seen?

Geographically speaking, gaslighting behavior is not exclusive to any part of the world. Wherever power dynamics are in play and where the need and desire for control over people and resources exist, gaslighting behavior can be witnessed. Multiple studies reveal that this kind of unpleasant and dangerous behavior is prevalent not only in personal relationships but also at the workplace, and even in public life as in the way some politicians and their coterie interact with the common man on the street. 

MHR, an HR services provider, conducted a survey in the UK which revealed some shocking numbers. Over 3000 people undertook the survey, and 58% of this group claimed that they had experienced what they believed was gas-lighting behavior at their workplace. About 30% said they did not experience such behavior while 12% said that they didn't know! The disturbing results of this survey poll reveal how widespread gaslighting is in the UK. Some examples of gaslighting behaviors at the workplace include:

●        Taking credit for your work

●        Mocking you, your behavior or dress style in front of other colleagues

●        Setting unreasonable and unrealistic deadlines

●        Deliberately withholding information that is crucial for the success of a project you are working on

Most of the elements mentioned above are seemingly insignificant but add up to a lot in retrospect. And moreover, unlike bullying, which is easily discernible, gaslighting behaviors are subtle and are meant to slowly but surely put doubt on your capabilities and value to the organization. Such attitudes cannot be caught until after the damage is done to the target’s psyche. 

Another US-based report says that 3 out of 4 people in the country are not aware of the term, and this state of ignorance is despite the widespread prevalence of gaslighting behavior in the entertainment and media industries where power-play dynamics are perhaps the strongest. 

Nearly 75% of the surveyed people said that they had heard of the term but did not know its meaning. The study revealed that about a third of the female population had termed their romantic partners as ‘crazy’ or ‘insane’ in a very serious way. About 25% of the male population had also used these two words to describe their partners. 

Therefore, gaslighting behavior is not restricted to any particular geography or industry, and can be witnessed in different countries, cultures, and industries. 

Common Gaslighting Situations

Here are some common examples of gaslighting scenarios that could help you understand if and when you are being gaslighted by various perpetrators.

In a home environment - Alice’s father, Andrew, is a bitter and angry man who is carrying a lot of negativity right from his childhood. His power play is most evident with Alice, thanks to her dependence on him for a lot of things. Alice’s mother is the breadwinner in the family and is away most of the time at work. 

Alice spent a lot more time with her father than her mother and had unwittingly built herself into a codependency situation with Andrew. She was highly sensitive to his mood swings and was always worried that some action or behavior of hers would bring on a dark mood in her father. 

Whenever her father was in a dark mood, he would lash out at Alice by saying that ‘You’re worthless,’ ‘I wonder why you were born,’ and quite frequently using foul language too. If Alice tried to argue back with him, he would laugh it off and say, ‘Why are you so unnecessarily sensitive?’

Alice had become so accustomed to this situation at home that she did not even think it important enough to speak to her mother about it that was too busy with her work to find time for her daughter. Alice was completely under her father’s control and even accepted it as natural. She believed that her father was only helping her toward self-improvement and that there was nothing wrong with him.

Another common situation is when adult children manipulate their old parents. Here is a sample case that you are likely to find in many homes.

In a romantic relationship - In the eyes of most people, Julie’s life could be seen as being as ideal. Married for over five years to her first love who is now an adoring husband, financially secure (her husband, John, is an investment banker who rakes in the moolah), and with two beautiful children, Julie might look like there is no dearth of happiness in her life. And yet, she knows what she is going through. Before her marriage, Julie was an artist with some great skills. 

After she got married, John did his best to prevent his wife from trying to advance her skills and make a name for herself in the art world. He always found fault with her work and made her feel worthless. Every time she tried to paint something, he would say, ‘A lousy artist like you is not going to make it in the art world which is filled with brilliant artists. Your work will never match up to theirs. Don't waste time and money on this. Instead, just focus on looking after the family.’

Also, he would always bring up a bad experience that she had had during her early artist days. She had created a painting and wanted feedback from a famous artist who was a good friend of her husband’s. The man had said that her skills were way below even an average artist and that she should not even try moving forward. Julie’s husband never failed to bring up that comment and used it to make her believe that she was fit for nothing more than taking care of the family. 

Julie’s husband used that one bad experience and feedback to remind her of her worthlessness continually, and repeated practice and such habitual behavior enslaved her to her husband completely. Now, although she lives comfortably, she realizes that her life is actually empty. She wants to break free from her husband’s manipulative ways, but he uses their children to strengthen his power over her. 

In a workplace scenario - Jolly was a salesgirl in a large cosmetic showroom. After working for five years, she was given a promotion to work in, which not only gave her a higher salary but also opened up career growth prospects. Jolly was very happy with the promotion and started working with her new boss, Penny.

Initially, Jolly found Penny helpful and sweet. Slowly, Penny started passing on insignificant tasks to Jolly, who did them uncomplainingly. However, this did not stop at all and, in fact, increased so much that she had no time and energy to learn anything new at the job. She was just about able to finish all the work assigned by her boss, who kept her at arm’s length and discouraged interactions of all kinds except with giving out tasks.

A department meeting was called one day, and Jolly was part of it. Penny addressed the other people and said, ‘Meet Jolly, who has been with us for nearly three months now, and she has yet to learn the ropes of the new department. I hope she catches up soon or else we might have to send her back after demoting her.’ Jolly turned red with embarrassment and shame at this open and unexpected insult from her boss. And she realized that she had unwittingly become a victim of gaslighting tactics! 

Emotional Hot Spots that are targeted

Nearly anyone can be a target to gaslighting tactics considering the subtlety involved in the process. Very few people can really discern the difference between gaslighting and simple annoying behavior. Most often, people will tend to categorize gaslighting behaviors as a mere annoyance and tend to ignore it. Yet, there are certain types of people who become easy targets for gaslighting. Some of them are:

Empaths - Empaths are people who are extremely sensitive to everything that is happening around them. They can quickly, and most often, unwittingly absorb both positive and negative energies from their environment. Such people can be easy targets for deceivers because it is quite easy to influence them. Just sending negative vibes to empaths can enhance their sensitivity to a deceiver’s needs.

Insecure people - Deceivers typically target people with significant inferiority complexes. Men and women who feel insecure about themselves are easy targets considering that they are already in a vulnerable condition.

Moreover, insecure people are continuously looking for positive affirmation from others, which is exactly what deceivers want in the initial stages of any new relationship. Gaslighting tactics start with heaping praise, often when it is not necessary and praises on the victims initially, and once they are trapped, the true color of deceivers come to the fore.

And yet, it is time to reiterate that some deceivers are so good at what they do that even the sanest and most sensible people can become their targets. Therefore, it makes sense to be aware of the concept of gaslighting tactics and their multiple negative effects and to be wary of such people.

Chapter 3. How to spot a gaslighter

If there is an attribute that deceivers appear to have in abundance, it is charm. They are generally likable people that appear to overflow tons of charm, and this may make it difficult to identify them on the surface. There are, however, a few manners of behavior by which they can be identified, and these include: 

Withholding:  Here the deceiver retains information on what they know or what is the fact by pretending not to understand their victims. They may begin sentences with phrases like ''Are you trying to confound me by?'' or ''Please, don't accompany this again. Haven't I told you...?'' It is a tactic to perplex the victim by making him/her vibe like they are off-base or misconstrued a situation. 

Countering: The victim's facts are made to be false as victims are blamed for their 'carelessness' or 'jumbling things up' although the victim's memory is great. 

Diverting : In this case, the deceiver attempts to occupy the victim or make them question themselves by changing the subject of discussion. An example is ''I'm certain your crazy sister advised you to screen my calls.'' Or ''None of this is valid, you're making them up to hurt me.'' 

Downplaying facts: When the victim complains about an unsavory situation or communicates a fear, the deceiver laughs at the issue or downplays its earnestness, making the victim feel like a youngster with a tantrum. You hear phrases like ''You're angry because of that?'' 

Outright denial: The deceiver will deny guarantees that they made, totally telling the victim that they never said so and that the whole conversation happened in the victim's mind. For example, ''I never advised you to keep dinner waiting for me!'' 

Pathologizing: Especially savage deceivers may choose to play specialist with your mental health and 'diagnose' you of instability in an offer to conceal their behavior. They can proceed to make claims that you are 'unstable,' 'not all there,' 'spacey,' or 'vengeful' in an offer to unhinge their victims. They may even advise you to book an appointment with a psychiatrist, all the while acting as if they are working for your wellbeing and subsequently making you accept that something is genuinely amiss with you. 

Discrediting: A deceiver will, under the pretense of helping you, spread falsehoods and bits of gossip about you to the people within your circle. They would pretend to be stressed over you and utilize that chance to tell others that you are unstable or have been acting bizarre. They may also turn around to reveal to you that others think you are crazy as a way to drive a wedge among you and the people you would normally go to for help. 

Put blames on you: A deceiver will always find a way to  blame you for whatever off-base they do. Attempt to have an important conversation about how they hurt you, and they will turn the discussion upside down that you will start believing that you are the reason for their bad behavior. 

Shaming: Another tool the deceiver utilizes in keeping the victim calm is by unobtrusively shaming them by making victims feel inept about the fact that they have been victimised. You will, at that point, apologize to them for speaking out about a bad behavior you called out when they have convinced you it's all in your head. A husband that has been cheating may turn the tables on you by saying: ''I can't trust you would think that I would cheapen our relationship in that manner! If you trust I did this, it means you have been unfaithful to me,'' he may say. 

Use kind words to keep you daydreaming: When you call out a deceiver, they may amaze you by using kind words that may make you assume that maybe they are not all that bad after all. But if they utilize kind words when faced without changing their behavior or stopping the things that hurt you, they are just manipulative because, after some time, you will start thinking that you are excessively emotional. 

Chapter 4.Cognitive Dissonance | How Manipulation Affects You

When a person is being manipulated, cognitive dissonance is a common occurrence. You may be asking yourself what cognitive dissonance actually is, and the thought behind it is actually quite simple. When you get a feeling that is uncomfortable because it goes against your beliefs or your normal way of thinking, it is referred to as cognitive dissonance.   

A good example of this would be if you are usually an honest person and you tell a lie. Naturally, this is going to make you feel quite uncomfortable. The contradiction of the behavior you expressed as compared to your normal behaviors is quite different, and the person that does this will experience cognitive dissonance. 

In general, people try to be consistent with their thoughts, ideas, attitudes, and behaviors. When these items are challenged, or they go against your level of normalcy, many people will try to change this lack of agreement by doing things like overly explaining their behavior or action. This makes it more comfortable and allows them to move past it.

The first theory behind cognitive dissonance came from a psychologist by the name of Leon Festinger. It centered around the fact that most people will do their best to find internal consistency. Festinger said that we all have an internal need to make sure that our behaviors and our belief systems stay consistent. When they are inconsistent, it leads to internal disharmony, which is something everyone will try and avoid if they can. In fact, people will go to great lengths to find internal balance after experiencing cognitive dissonance.

There are a variety of different factors that will impact the amount of dissonance that a person may experience. One of those factors is how concrete they feel in certain beliefs that they hold. Another factor is how consistent they are in their beliefs throughout the course of time. Thoughts and mental actions that are very personal, such as your understanding and belief in yourself can cause greater dissonance inside of you than other beliefs.

The higher value something holds in you internally, the greater the dissonance you will experience if you go against that belief. It is normal for people to have thoughts that clash; however, this is something that tends to come and go as most people strive to have consistent thought patterns, behaviors, and beliefs. The more dissonance a person experiences, the more pressure they will also experience to find balance and relieve themselves of uncomfortable feelings. 

It’s actually pretty amazing how cognitive dissonance can influence a person’s actions, thoughts, and behaviors. Cognitive dissonance can be seen in just about every area of life. It is predominant in situations that behaviors conflict with a person’s belief system. This is especially true when dealing with the area of self-identity. Let’s look at an example of cognitive dissonance so that you have a very clear understanding of what we are talking about here.

We see cognitive dissonance occur frequently when people are making purchasing decisions. Let’s say you are someone that is very conscious of the environment, and you do your very best to make green decisions. One day you go and buy a new car to find out that it is not very eco-friendly. This will cause cognitive dissonance because you care about being friendly to the environment, yet you are driving a car that is not very friendly to the environment. The dissonance can be reduced the number of ways to make the belief and the behavior go together better. You could choose to sell your new vehicle and get one that is going to get better mileage and be friendlier to the environment, or you could choose to cut down on how much you are driving the new car. Some may choose to utilize public transportation or even ride a bike to work. Each one of these is a solution to help resolve the dissonance that is being experienced. They all help bring balance.

There are a variety of ways that people will try to find balance when experiencing dissonance. Minimizing the drawbacks of a decision or action is one way that people do this. A great example is to think about people who smoke, and they may take the time to convince themselves that the risks are being blown out of proportion. This helps their minds to accept the bad habit of smoking and, in turn, alleviate the dissonance hey experience when they smoke and think about it being bad for their health.

Another thing that people will do to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings caused by cognitive dissonance is to look at the beliefs that outweigh the action that was dissonant. This is done by looking for new information to change their old patterns of thinking. 

This new information, even if it isn’t exactly correct, can allow the uncomfortable feelings to dissipate, leaving the person feeling more balanced and at ease.

People will also try to reduce the significance of the belief that conflicts how they normally feel. An example of this is the person who works in an office building and sits in front of a computer all day. They know that sitting for long periods of time is unhealthy, but it is hard to change it since it is there job to sit in front of that computer. Rather than change their behavior, they will try and justify the action of sitting all day. They do this by telling themselves that the fact that they eat healthily and exercise once in a while will be enough to combat the negative effects of sitting all day. This helps to reduce the uncomfortable dissonance they are experiencing.

The last way that people deal with cognitive dissonance is to change the conflict that is occurring inside. By changing a belief so that it coincides with other beliefs, the dissonance will be alleviated. This change of belief systems is effective when trying to deal with dissonance, but it is also quite difficult. Obviously, if you are trying to change your core values and beliefs to deal with dissonance, it is going to be a challenge. 

More often than not, people will find other ways to deal with the cognitive dissonance that does not require them to restructure their entire thought process and beliefs on a particular subject.

It is important to remember that cognitive dissonance can be very disconcerting. When your beliefs and your actions don’t match up, it can take a toll on your ability to make decisions that will be beneficial to you. When we notice cognitive dissonance, it should be looked at as an opportunity to grow and learn. 

When you are dealing with a gaslighting narcissist, cognitive dissonance can give you a great clue as to what is going on.  If you find yourself doing, saying, or agreeing with things that go against your values and beliefs because of what someone else is saying, it is a good sign that you are being manipulated. Our bodies do a great job of helping us understand the experiences that unfold in front of us on a daily basis. You can use cognitive dissonance to your advantage so that you maintain the beliefs and values that ring true to you rather than allow yourself to be influenced by a nefarious manipulator.

Effects of Manipulation

Manipulation can come in a variety of different forms, and unfortunately, there are a variety of different negative effects that come along with it. Whether you are mentally or emotionally manipulated, the effects can be devastating. Sometimes they are short term effects that can be moved passed relatively easily while other times they are long-lasting and can impact your life forever. When you know the effects of manipulation, you are better equipped to handle them, and your life will be able to improve more easily.

Psychological and emotional abuse occurs when people are manipulated, and unfortunately, they are not simple wounds that will heal. In fact, it is likely if you have been abused with manipulation that you will carry the scars for the rest of your life. Seeking help is sometimes the best course of action, depending on the experience that you have had. When it comes to mental manipulation, you may find that you have problems with trust, security, respect, and intimacy, and these are only a few of the issues that you may be facing.

We are going to take the time to look at the short- and long-term effects that occur from mental and emotional manipulation. 

The gaslighting tactic, is both mental and emotional abuse. So, if you have or you are dealing with a narcissist who uses gaslighting, it is very likely that you are experiencing some of these effects. Recognizing them can be the first step toward finding improved health and happiness.

The Short-Term Effects of Manipulation:

If you have been mentally or emotionally manipulated, it can be very difficult to understand what is unfolding. You may feel surprised or confused by events. The feelings of “this can’t be so” are very common. You may question why the people closest to you are acting so strange, even if they aren’t acting strange at all.

It is also likely that you will question yourself if you have been through or you are going through this type of abuse. You may wonder if your memory is deceiving you, or you may feel like there is something wrong with you, in general. When everything you do is questioned, this is the result. Gaslighting will cause this effect frequently as you will always be wrong or questioned by the narcissistic party in the relationship.

If you have experienced mental or emotional manipulation, another short-term effect could be anxiety and hypervigilance. People become vigilant toward themselves and other people to try and avoid further manipulation. They will avoid behaviors that make things chaotic or ones that may end in outbursts. Anxiety will rule them, and any extra chaos could lead to a break down so, they will avoid any and everything that may cause that.

Passiveness is another effect that comes from being psychologically and emotionally manipulated. Oftentimes, more emotional pain comes when you take action in a mentally or emotionally abusive relationship, so being passive becomes part of everyday life. It is important to note that being passive can be a hard thing to break, especially during times of emotional stress. Being passive can become a default and a constant presence in day to day life.

The feeling of guilt or shame is also a common effect of mental and emotional manipulation. When you are constantly being blamed for the negative actions taking place in your life, you start to believe that you are the cause. This can lead to feelings of guilt or shame as you take their bad behavior out on yourself. Obviously, this is only going to make you feel worse, and it is an unfortunate side effect of being with a narcissist or a manipulator.

Avoiding making eye contact with others is another short-term effect of mental and emotional manipulation. When we don’t make eye contact with people, it allows us to feel smaller like you can hide inside of yourself and that you will take up less space. This is a common thing to do when someone is hard on you all the time and makes you feel as if you are insane. We feel that it helps to protect us in some sort of way. Fortunately, this is a side effect that tends to go away rather quickly after we remove the toxic manipulator from our lives and start being around people that genuinely care for us in healthy ways.

The last short-term effect that we would like to mention is the feeling that you need to walk on eggshells around people. When you live your life with an emotional or mental manipulator around, you will never be able to tell what will upset them next. Due to this fact, you will start to obsess about everything that you are doing. The obsession takes place because you are trying to avoid causing any outbursts, and it can bleed over into other relationships that you may have.

While there is nothing good to be said about being manipulated psychologically or emotionally, we can take some solace in the fact that if we can move away from these abusive relationships, the above issues will likely resolve. There are side effects of these types of abuse that will not go away so easily. 

In fact, there are side effects of emotional manipulation that could stick around forever. Seeking professional help to figure out a course of action to help you heal is oftentimes the best place to start. Let’s take a look at some of the long-term effects that one may experience if they have suffered or are suffering from mental or emotional manipulation.

The Long-Term Effects of Manipulation:

One of the 1st and most devastating long-term effects of mental manipulation are the feelings of isolation or complete numbness. Many find that they feel they are no longer a participant of the world but that they have become observers. Things that used to make them happy now don't make them feel anything at all. When someone no longer recognizes their emotions, it leads to a sense of hopelessness. Many fear that they will never be able to accurately feel or experience their emotions again. This long-term effect does not have to last forever. If you are able to get out of the abusive relationship, you can find healing for your damaged emotions. 

Another long-term effect is constantly seeking approval. People that have been emotionally or mentally manipulated are likely going to be exceptionally nice to every person they come into contact with. Additionally, they will go to great lengths to please others. They will likely be extremely focused on their appearance, and they will constantly be striving to accomplish more and more goals. They will do their best to be perfect in every way so that others will approve of them. While some of these things don't seem so bad, keep in mind that it will be to an extreme which is not good. 

People that have suffered the abuse of manipulation are oftentimes left with feelings of resentment. This resentment can be seen in different ways like impatience, frustration, irritability, and placing blame. When you have been treated poorly, it can be extremely difficult to witness anything other than that negative behavior. So, releasing feelings of resentment can be quite difficult, especially if you are going at it on your own. 

Depression is another real threat to those that have experienced or are experiencing manipulation. Depression is something that may never be overcome once it has taken a hold on your life. It takes a lot of work to dig your way out of the effects of depression. When people are depressed, they start to lose faith in those that they care about and that care about them. They feel alone and sad without a sense of purpose within their world. It becomes hard for them to believe in themselves or in anyone else, and this takes a lot of time to heal from. 

Another long-term effect that may be experienced is the excessive judgment of yourself and others. Due to the fact that a narcissistic manipulator will constantly judge you, you will start to judge yourself and others much more critically. Here will be very high standards when it comes to things like appearance and behavior. This can lead to problems within all of your relationships, including your relationship with yourself. 

As noted, long term effects can be devastating an impact your life negatively in just about every aspect. There is hope in coming back from these negative effects after you have been able to remove yourself from a manipulative situation. Keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with admitting you need help and seeking it out. You really can find a lot of healing through therapy or groups, which will help you become yourself once again, allowing you to truly start enjoying life. 

Chapter 5. How Gaslighting Narcissists operate to make their Victim Think that they are Crazy

So, we mentioned that narcissists have a hand in gaslighting, but what do they do/ they actually are huge manipulators, and they play a major role in changing the reality of others.  Here, we’ll discuss how they gaslight others, and why narcissists are bad news for many people.

What Is A Narcissist?

A narcissist is, by definition, someone that suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Those who are narcissists tend to have an overly inflated sense of importance, and a need for admiration and attention in their relationships, and oftentimes don't have empathy for others.

Narcissists only care about themselves. They don’t worry about you, or the guy next to you, but instead, they’re only in it for their own benefit.  However, they actually have an incredibly fragile ego that will shatter and is very vulnerable if they’re hit with the smallest amount of criticism.

Narcissists are textbook manipulators, and they’re not fun to deal with. This type of personality causes many issues in different areas of life, and you may run into one of these types without even realizing it.  Typically, though, those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder are unhappy in a general sense if they’re not given the admiration they want.  They may find all of their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not like being around these types of people.

So how does a narcissist come into your life? Well, those that suffer from this love to latch onto those that will hype them up, making them feel like they’re special or unique, and in turn enhance their own self-esteem as a result.  They may desire an immense amount of admiration and attention and have difficulty taking criticism in the slightest.  They oftentimes see all criticism as defeat.

They are incredibly envious of your accomplishments, to the point where they will want to undermine them however, they can. This can be anything from snarky accomplishments regarding your success to underhanded comparing of others.

Narcissists love to use gaslighting too, but we’ll get to that in a bit. For now, let’s talk about how they will undermine you. If you do something great, they’ll try to belittle it, saying that it’s not worth it, and you need to do better. Sometimes, if the narcissist is a parent, they’ll compare you to your sibling or someone else in the family.  They oftentimes will try to belittle anything you do, turning you into a mess in response.

It’s not good, and narcissists in general only care about themselves. Of course, many times only a small fraction of people are actual narcissists, but in general, there are more male narcissists than female narcissists, and you oftentimes will run into them when you’re dealing with bosses, coworkers, or even people you may be friends with or date.

But, how can these people use gaslighting? Well, they do so in a very crafty manner.

Narcissism and Gaslighting

Narcissists love to use gaslighting. In fact, it’s their favorite, most preferred tool of gaslighting. Why is that? Well, it’s because it’s the perfect way to make you think you’re crazy, to completely undermine what you think is right, and to basically tell you that your way of thinking is wrong.

Remember, gaslighting is a very sneaky way of making you feel like your reality is so distorted to the point where the person will question their own sanity or even their memory.  Their goal is to make it so that they’re right, you’re wrong, and that’s all they want from this.

The goal is to make you think you’re crazy, which we’ll get to in a bit.  There are other tools narcissist will use, but gaslighting is their bread and butter.

“Oh, I never said that.”

“Oh, you’re remembering it wrong, clearly you should get yourself checked out.”

If you’ve ever heard those two things before from someone, you’re dealing with a Grade A Narcissist.

Gaslighting is used by narcissists because it’s how they love to hide the abuse they're inflicting upon you.  In essence, gaslighting is lying straight to your face, with one singular goal in mind, to be the ones in control, the center of attention, and you’re nothing.

Basically, every time a narcissist gaslights you, they’re basically completely ruining what sense of reality you have, making you realize that it’s nothing, and they’re everything. 

They want to break you down slowly but surely. Memory is one of the easiest ways to do this. Why is that? Well, it’s because they know that if you can’t remember things right, you’re not going to be able to trust yourself, distorting your own personal perception and reality that comes with this.

So yes, it does happen like that, and the goal is for you to completely rely on the abuser to tell you what’s real so that over time the abuser is the one in control of your life, the one taking the reins here in the game.

The Art of Making Others Crazy

This is something that a lot of narcissists use gaslighting for. Remember, gaslighting is basically refuting anyone’s reality, making it so that what they think is right really isn’t.

When a narcissist gaslights, they will put down and refute anything that you say.  They will do this to make it sound like they’re the ones who are right when in reality, it’s their own mind games.

It's all a game for a narcissist. They want to make it so that your reality isn’t correct. While you might believe that you’re right, the narcissist will tell you right away that you aren’t. Over time as you continue to be refuted by the narcissist, you start to doubt your own reality. You start to think that you’re the bad guy when in reality, it’s just your narcissist playing games.

When a narcissist gaslights, they can change the view that you have of people, in general, being good. You might think that people, in general, are good, which they are, but oftentimes, if you have a narcissist in your life, this person will not protect your feelings. Someone you may think is good turns out to be bad, and someone that you thought was bad turns out to be good since that’s how the narcissist wants you to think.

A narcissist will use gaslighting for the sole reason of, they know exactly how to manipulate you. You start to doubt your own reality, and over time, you start to wonder if maybe you are crazy. After all, after so often, you may wonder if you’re not right in the head. But remember, more often than not, narcissists were the cause of this, and they’re the reason why you think this way.

Lots of times narcissists will start by buttering you up, making you feel loved and appreciated since that’s what they want you to believe. After a while, they will start to, over time, start to treat you like crap. When you call them out on it, they’ll start to mask their true feelings, and you’ll be seeing a totally different side.

But the reality is, that mask that they put on is, of course, their mask, and the abusive nature that they’ve had till now is their true form.

They will tell you what you think is what happened isn’t what happened, but that’s actually how it is. But of course, in the world of the narcissist, they’ll only make you believe what they think is right.

Gaslighting basically takes away everything that you think is correct, which then causes you to follow what they think is the way when in reality, they’re manipulating you.

You’re basically forced to believe that you’re crazy, or if you don’t think you’re crazy, that the abuser is wrong, but you can’t stand up for yourself.  They will either manipulate you until you believe you’re wrong and they are right or drive you to the point of insanity.

Deceivers and narcissists love this. Because they know that, once you discount your own personal beliefs enough, you’ll start to really think that you are crazy, and slowly start to believe them.

Making People do What the Narcissist Wants  

This is done because most of the time, when you start to discount how a narcissist acts, they will immediately gaslight you, saying that it didn’t happen this way.

You notice your narcissist abuser is acting gross and mean, and you notice that for example, they’re flirting with other girls.  They totally are, and you call them out on it, but they will immediately say that isn’t the case, tell you that you’re crazy, that you’re making stuff up, and basically tell you whatever you saw was wrong.

Deep down, you know what the truth is. That the actions you saw were valid, but over time, this person will continuously tell you that you’re crazy, that you didn’t really hear or say what was said.

You start to doubt your own reality, and you begin to wonder if you remembered everything right. Perhaps you didn’t catch the other person flirting with girls. You start to go silent on it. When in reality, your narcissist was totally doing that, didn’t come clean, and now this person is seeing girls, and every time you call them out on that, and their own trust and validity, basically tells you that you’re insane, and you’re wrong.

You stop fighting the narcissist after a while.  You notice that every time you fight them there really is no end to it and the fact that you’re constantly told that you’re crazy every time you do isn’t a good thing for you either. So, what do you do from here?

The answer is most people tend to give in to their abusers.

Instead of doing what they feel is right, which is calling out the abuser and recognizing the toxic traits, you start to do exactly what the abuser wants. Because whenever you’re gaslight, you start to feel like you’re wrong, and that the narcissist is right. You’re pretty much duped into believing that the narcissist is the right person, and you’re wrong, making your reality practically nothing.

If you let this continue, you’re basically feeding the supply of narcissism that the other person craves. You may start to perceive things wrong, and oftentimes, it gets to the point where you swore it was that way, but maybe your stuff is gone, because the narcissist hides it, and then they claim that you’re irresponsible, and not worthy of trust. They will then tell you that you’re wrong and crazy, and they’ll start to make others think that you’re crazy.

They will even pit others against you to isolate others.  Oftentimes, they’ll try to put you against others, so you drop them, and the only person in your life is the narcissist.  They’ll make up lies, and you can’t really trust anyone but the person who is gaslighting you.

When in reality, the one who is gaslighting you is the last person that you should be trusting!

Deceivers don’t really realize just how harmful they are, or maybe they do.  They will start to make you question even the most random of strangers.  You might start to brush off someone’s actions as being harmless, but the gaslighted will call it flirting, and soon, you start to attack anyone who comes at you.

Have you ever seen this? Maybe you’ve experienced it. Where you will hear about how someone was looking at you the wrong way, you start to grow weary and angry with the other person, and over time, those relationships break down since you think they can’t be trusted. When in reality, it’s the narcissist who can't be trusted, because they’re the one putting you in this direction.

A narcissist will hurt literally everyone in your life, pit you against the friends and family that you have so that you’re distracted from what the narcissist is really doing, which is feeding you harmful lies.

It’s a messy situation and not something that most of us want to deal with.

So yes, a narcissist will use gaslighting. It’s the prime tool of narcissist because they know that they can bend others to the will that they have, making it very easy to manipulate them, and that’s why many narcissists will smile at you with a warm, fake smile, and then stab you in the back whenever you turn around, or put your family and friends against you, so the only person you can really rely on, is the narcissist themselves

Chapter 6. The Effects of Gaslighting

Effects of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can have catastrophic effects on a person's psychological health; the procedure is gradual, chipping away the person's certainty and self-esteem. They may come to accept they merit the abuse.

Gaslighting can also influence a person's social life. The abuser may manipulate them into cutting ties with friends and relatives. The individual might also isolate themselves, believing they are unstable or unlovable.

Especially when the person escapes the abusive relationship, the effects of gaslighting can persevere. The person may even now question their discernments and have difficulty making decisions. They are also more reluctant to voice their emotions and feelings, knowing that they are probably going to be invalidated.

Gaslighting may lead a person to create mental health concerns. The constant self-uncertainty and disarray can contribute to anxiety. A person's sadness and low self-esteem may lead to despondency. Post-traumatic stress and codependency are common developments.

Some survivors may battle to confide in others; they may be on constant guard for additional manipulation. The individual may criticize themselves for not catching the gaslighting earlier. Their refusal to show vulnerability might prompt strain in future relationships.

Recovering from Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a secret form of abuse that blossoms with uncertainty. A person can grow to distrust everything they feel, hear, and recollect. One of the most significant things a survivor can get is validation.

The individuals who have encountered gaslighting may also wish to look for therapy. A therapist is a natural party who can aid in reinforcing one's sense of reality. In therapy, an individual can modify their self-esteem and recover command of their lives. A therapist might also treat any mental health concerns caused by the abuse, for example, PTSD. With time and backing, a person can recoup from gaslighting.

Are You Being Gas lighted?  

Gaslighting may not include these experience or feelings, but if you recognize yourself in any of them, give it additional attention. 

You are constantly re-thinking yourself. 

You ask yourself, "Am I excessively sensitive?" twelve times each day. 

You regularly feel confounded and even insane at work. 

You're continually saying 'sorry' to your mom, father, sweetheart, boss. 

You wonder now and again if you are a "sufficient" sweetheart/wife/representative/companion/little girl.

You can't get why, with so many beneficial things in your life, you aren't more joyful. 

You purchase garments for yourself, goods for your apartment, or other personal buys in light of your partner, considering what he might want rather than what might cause you to feel incredible. 

You often rationalize your partner's conduct to loved ones. 

You end up denying data of loved ones, so you don't need to clarify or rationalize. 

                   You realize something is off-base, but you can never fully communicate what it is, even to yourself.

                   You begin lying to maintain a strategic distance from the put-downs and reality turns. 

                   You experience difficulty settling on basic decisions. 

                   You reconsider before raising blameless subjects of discussion. 

                   Before your partner gets back home, you go through a list in your mind to foresee anything you may have fouled up that day. 

                   There is a sense that you used to be a different person — increasingly sure, progressively carefree, progressively relaxed. 

                   You begin addressing your better half through his secretary so you don't need to reveal to him things you're apprehensive may agitate him. 

                   You feel as if you can't do anything right.

                   Your children start attempting to shield you from your partner. 

                   You get yourself angry with people you've generally coexisted with previously. 

                   You feel sad and dreary. 

Gaslighting tends to work in stages

From the start, it might be generally minor—in reality; you may not see it. At the point when your partner blames you for intentionally attempting to undermine you by appearing late to his office party, you attribute it to his nerves or expect you didn't generally mean it or maybe even start to ponder whether you were attempting to undermine him—but then you let it go. Inevitably, however, gaslighting turns into a greater piece of your life, distracting your musings and overpowering your feelings.

Eventually, you're buried in full-scale sorrow, miserable and dismal, unfit even to recollect the person you used to be, with your perspective and your sense of self. You may not continue through every one of the three phases. But for many women, gaslighting goes from terrible to more awful. 

Stage 1: Disbelief Stage 1 is portrayed by disbelief; your deceiver says something over the top—"That person who approached us for bearings was extremely simply attempting to get you into bed!"— And you can't exactly accept your ears. You think you've misjudged, or perhaps he has, or possibly he was simply kidding. The comment appears to be so unusual; you may ignore it. Or on the other hand, maybe you attempt to address the blunder but without a ton of energy. Possibly you even get into since a long time ago, included arguments, but you're still quite sure of your perspective. Although you'd like your deceiver's endorsement, you don't yet feel frantic for it. 

Stage 2: Defense Stage 2 is set apart by the need to safeguard yourself. You scan for proof to refute your deceiver and contend with him fanatically, frequently in your mind, frantically attempting to win his endorsement. 

Stage 3 : Depression gaslighting is the most challenging of all: downturn. Now, you are effectively attempting to demonstrate that your deceiver is correct, because then perhaps you could do things his way and at long last win his endorsement. 

Chapter 7. Signs you are Being Manipulated with Gaslighting

The signs of gaslighting can be hard to see, especially for the person that is being manipulated by this tactic. Obviously, the effects of gaslighting are extremely detrimental. So, if you can recognize the signs of it as it is happening, it gives you an advantage and the possibility of getting out of this toxic situation before it completely destroys you and your life. 

Oftentimes, people that care about you will recognize the signs before you will be able to. They may try and talk to you about the issues that they are seeing, but you may not be willing to hear them if the effects of gaslighting have already taken hold. 

When someone you trust or once felt that you could trust comes to you and expresses their concern over signs of gaslighting, you should spend time reflecting on what they have to say to ensure that you are not a victim of this horrific abuse. 

We are going to discuss a variety of different signs that you may witness if you are being gaslighted. Becoming a victim of gaslighting can impact your life negatively in every way. By looking over the following signs, it may become easier to understand what is going on, which can, in turn, give you the clarity and confidence to remove yourself from your current situation. 

If you find yourself doubting your own emotions, you may be experiencing the repercussion of gaslighting. Oftentimes people will try to convince themselves that things really aren't so bad. They will assume they are simply too sensitive and that what they are seeing as reality is tragically skewed from actual reality. If you have never had an issue with doubting your feelings, it can be a very good sign of gaslighting tactics. 

Alongside doubting, your emotions will come doubting your perceptions of the events that unfold in front of you, as well as doubting your own personal judgment. 

Many people that are being manipulated by gaslighting will be afraid to stand up for themselves and express their emotions. This is due to the fact that when they do the gaslighting narcissist makes them feel bad or inferior for doing so. If you find that you are choosing silence over communication, it is a pretty good sign that gaslighting is present in your relationship. 

At one point or another, we will all feel vulnerable or insecure. These are normal feelings; however, if you are in a situation of gaslighting, you will feel this way consistently. You may always feel like you need to tiptoe around your partner, family member, or friend to ensure that they don't have a negative outburst. Additionally, you will start to believe that you are the one causing problems for them instead of the reverse. 

The gaslighting narcissist will do their best to sever ties between you and the people that you care about. This can leave the victim feeling powerless and completely alone. The narcissist will convince their victim that the people around them don't actually care. In fact, they will try to convince the victim that everyone thinks that they are crazy, unstable, or flat out insane. These kinds of comments make the victim feel trapped. It also causes them to distance themselves from the people that do actually care, which, intern, makes them in even less control than before. 

Another sign that you are in the grips of the abuse that comes from a narcissistic deceiver is feeling that you are crazy or stupid. The narcissist will use a variety of different words and phrases to make you question your own value. This can become extreme to the point that the victim may start repeating these derogatory comments. The sooner you can see the sign of verbal abuse, the sooner you will be able to make the decision to not let it deconstruct your sense of self-worth. 

The gaslighting narcissist will do their best to change your perception of yourself. Let's say that you have always thought of yourself as a strong and assertive person, yet all of a sudden, you realize that your behaviors are passive and weak. This extreme change of behavior is a good sign that you are succumbing to gaslighting tactics. When you are grounded in who you really are and what your belief system stands for, it will be harder for the narcissistic deceiver to get you to be disappointed in yourself. When you can recognize that the viewpoint of your worth has changed, it can give you the motivation to take back control of your own life. 

Confusion is one of the narcissistic deceiver’s favorite tools. They will say one thing one day and then do something completely opposite the following day. The result of these types of actions is extreme confusion. 

The behaviors of a narcissistic deceiver will never be consistent. They will always try to keep you on your toes so that you are in a constant state of anxious confusion. This gives them more control. Finding that your partner, family member, or friend is exceptionally inconsistent with their behaviors should clue you in to the fact that you are likely in a toxic relationship with them. 

If your friend, partner, or family member teases you or puts you down in a hurtful way too, then minimalize the fact that your feelings are hurt. It is a surefire sign of gaslighting. By telling you that you are too sensitive or that you need to learn how to take a joke, they are brushing your hurt feelings to the side. Someone who truly cares about you, even if teasing, will take the time to acknowledge the fact that they hurt your feelings. If you are constantly being questioned about how sensitive you are, be aware you could be succumbing to the abuse of gaslighting. 

Another sign that narcissistic gaslighting is occurring is when you constantly feel that something awful is about to happen. This sense of impending doom starts to manifest early on in gaslighting situations. Many people don't understand why they feel threatened whenever they are around a certain person, but after further investigation and getting away from the narcissist, they understand it completely. 

Gut feelings should always be listened to, so if your body is telling you that something is not right between you and another person, you should remove yourself from the situation before things get terribly out of control. 

There are always times in our lives that we owe other people apologies; however, when you are in a gaslighting situation, you will spend a plethora of time apologizing to people. You will feel the need to say I'm sorry regardless of if you have done anything wrong or not. You may really be apologizing for simply being there. When we question who we are and our value. It leads us to apologize profusely. If you notice how much you are saying, I'm sorry is increasing, and the things you are saying sorry for are minimal; you may be in a gaslighting situation. 

Second-guessing yourself or constant feelings of inadequacy when you are with your narcissistic partner, family member, or a friend are excellent signs that they are gaslighting you. If no matter what you do, it is never good enough, you should be aware that you may be being manipulated. 

When it comes to 2nd guessing yourself, we're not just talking about second-guessing your decisions but second-guessing things like your memories. 

You may wonder if you are actually remembering things as they happened because your narcissistic abuser constantly tells you differently. If you have never had a problem recreating and discussing your memories and all of a sudden you are trying to figure out whether or not what you are saying is true you may want to take a closer look at the person you are dealing with instead of looking at yourself. 

Another sign that you are succumbing to the powers of gaslighting is functioning under the assumption that everyone you come into contact with is disappointed in you in one way or another. Constant feelings that you are messing things up are daunting and unrealistic; however, it is amazing how many people don't recognize when this is happening. They simply start to apologize for all of the time and assume that no matter what they do, they will make a mess of things, which will lead to others being disappointed in them. 

When someone that you are in close contact with makes you feel as if there is something wrong with you, it could also be a sign of gaslighting. We aren't talking about physical ailments; we are talking about feeling as if you have fundamental issues. You may sit and contemplate your sanity and reality. Unless these were problems for you prior to entering into a new relationship, you should definitely pay attention to the sign. 

Gaslighting can also make it extremely difficult for you to make decisions. Where you once made solid choices for yourself, you now have a sense of distrust in your judgment. This can make decision making extremely difficult. Instead of making your own choices, many victims will allow their narcissistic abusers to make their decisions for them. The other alternative is not making any decisions at all. Obviously, this could have extremely negative impacts on a person's life. 

One other great sign that you may be dealing with a gaslighting situation is when someone you are close to constantly reminds you of your flaws. Sure, a bit of constructive criticism is welcomed in most people's lives; however, when your weaknesses or shortcomings are constantly being pointed out by someone that is supposed to care about you, it is a clear sign that something is wrong. You should never despise who you are because of heinous comments made by a narcissist. So, if you take a step back and look at the people in your life, it will be easy to figure out who genuinely cares about you and who is trying to control you based on the way that they speak to you. 

Along the same line, where a deceiver will tear you down, they will almost never admit or recognize their own flaws. If their flaws are pointed out, it is likely that they will become aggressive. 

The deceiver is almost always on the offensive and ready to attack. This means that they will have an inability to recognize their own inadequacies and they will quickly place the blame on you if you try and point them out. They are excellent at playing the victim. Additionally, misdirection will be used so that they can turn things around and continue to dote on your shortcomings even if they are fictitious. 

Another sign that you are being manipulated by a deceiver is when you start to make excuses for their bad behavior. People will go to great lengths to cover up the abuse that they are facing and dealing with on a daily basis. They tell themselves and everyone else that things are OK or even better than OK. The victim will come up with a variety of excuses as to why their narcissistic counterpart is acting the way that they are. These excuses are not usually accepted by the people questioning the victim; however, the victim will just continue to make excuses rather than admit there is an actual problem. 

Recognizing these signs can be a bit difficult when you are involved in a gaslighting situation. When these signs are being pointed out to you by friends, relatives, or other people that care about you, take a moment to stop and really think about what they are saying. Accepting the signs of gaslighting abuse can be difficult, but it is also necessary for preserving your happiness and sense of self-worth. 

It is important to note that the longer you are in a relationship with a gaslighting narcissist, the harder it will be to recognize the signs. Spending the time at the beginning of a friendship or a relationship to truly get to know the person and decide whether or not continuing on with them will lead to toxicity can save you from devastating abuse. Remember that people are not always what they seem, so being mindful and present in each moment as it occurs is imperative to keeping yourself safe.

Chapter 8. Things Narcissists Say During Gaslighting.

Stuff Your Gaslighting Abuser Says

If there's one thing I've learned from interacting with people who have had to battle being with a manipulative deceiver, it's that without fail, the abusers all seem to have certain choice phrases that they all use. It's almost like they all graduated from Gaslight University or something. Here's what your abuser will say:

1. You're only acting this way because you're so insecure.

2. You're too sensitive!

3. Stop being paranoid.

4. it’s really not a big deal.

5. I was only kidding!

6. You take things too seriously.

7. You're acting crazy right now.

8. You know you are a little nuts, right?

9. You're just making all that up.

10. Stop being so hysterical!

11. Can you be any more dramatic?

12. You're so ungrateful!

13. That's all in your head.

14. No, that never happened.

15. You're lying. No one believes you. I'm not buying your nonsense.

16. If you had just paid attention.

17. We've already talked about this. Don't you remember?

18. Don't you think you're maybe overreacting?

19. If you had just listened.

20. You keep jumping to the wrong conclusions.

21. You're the only person I've ever had all these issues with.

22. I'm discussing, not arguing.

23. I know exactly what you're thinking.

24. What does it say about you that that's what you think?

25. The only reason I criticize you is that I'm looking out for you.

26. Don't take every single word I say so seriously.

27. You need to get better at communicating.

28. Calm down.

29. You're overthinking this. It's really not that deep.

30. What if you're wrong again, just like the last time?

Think about the context in which you hear these phrases being said to you. Were you talking about sex? Family? Money? Habits one or both of you have? You'll notice that these phrases often pop up when the conversation is centered upon that.

It's a sad truth that, for the most part, the victim is a woman, and a gaslighting narcissist is a man. The reason for this polarization of genders in narcissism is that, often, women have learned to doubt themselves and to apologize whenever there's a problem or disagreement with their significant others. Men, however, are not socialized this way. 

Chapter 9. Empowering Ways to Disarm a Narcissist and Take Control

Techniques to handle narcissists  

Now comes the difficult part. Deciding what to do with the narcissistic person in your life, and what the best outcome is. This can depend greatly on your individual circumstances as well as the person at hand.  

Get away   

Typically, extreme narcissists lack normal levels of empathy, don’t pull their own weight, and tend to make the people close to them miserable within the space of a few weeks or months. They are unlikely to have a great deal of insight into their damaging behaviors and are unlikely to have an epiphany compelling them to change.  

It may be tempting to try and open their eyes to the cause of their problems, help or change them, but this is far more likely to misfire with defensiveness or lead to resentment (depending on how extreme they are). 

Relationships you could potentially cut off include not only romantic partners, friends and ex-colleagues, but also family. If you are not legally bound to remain in contact with someone – such as engaged in a business, joint ownership of property, administration of a will, or where a dependent is involved, then you have the potential to cut away if you need to.  

Less drastic steps include taking a break or managing the situation. Breaks can help to gain clarity, but it depends upon the relationship at hand, and whether you deem it to be worth saving. If abuse is currently involved in the relationship, an immediate cut-off should be instigated, rather than attempting to make the best of it.

It’s important to choose the people you spend time with wisely, because humans tend to adopt the characteristics of those around them. Professor Nicholas Christakis of Yale University explains this in terms of the ripple effect, whereby altruism and meanness ripple through the networks of people, and become magnified. Whatever enters your system - including the actions of your peers, colleagues and family - will affect your personality development and outlook. Surrounding yourself with good people will make you behave in more kind and empathic ways. 

Avoid the inner circle  

If you need or want to keep a narcissist in your life, it is much safer to do so at a distance, rather than as part of their inner circle - who become privy to their chaotic changes in temperament. Creating justifiable distance (but remaining warm) allows you to be a welcome part of their life without suffering so many falls from grace. They may well start to think of you quite fondly. Get too close, however, and you may become an undervalued part of the furniture, without your own identity or boundaries to respect. In addition, you are giving more opportunities for your words and actions to be misinterpreted as threats or competition, and you are far more likely to have your fingers burned. 

Whilst you may have identified the narcissist as a damaging individual, many people (particularly those under their control) will never be able to see the situation clearly. This can feel extremely unfair and unjust to those who can, particularly in family or romantic situations, if they are directly affected by narcissistic control, abuse or manipulation. 

It is usually those people who “question” the status quo that the harmful narcissist finds most threatening, and subsequently suffer most acutely at their hands, as the narcissist feels compelled to bring them down to maintain their position. If the narcissist is a family member, particularly a parent, or a partner, this can be particularly damaging, with the victim often trained to unquestioningly agree or go along with the narcissist’s opinions, to maintain their love and their favor. Those that follow receive their rewards, whilst those that question, are isolated, ridiculed and ousted, often labelled as a “black sheep,” “troublesome” or “combative.”  

Avoid narcissistic injury  

Sometimes, cutting the chord on a narcissistic relationship is not an option. You may feel you should at least try and continue a non-abusive relationship, in which case avoiding “narcissistic injury” is key to avoiding conflict.  

In the minds of narcissistic people - both healthy and extreme - they are competent, have unique and special talents, and accomplished. In the case of healthy narcissists, any reasonable threat or challenge to these self-beliefs can be handled carefully, objectively, and in a proportionate way by the individual.  

Threats to healthy narcissists don’t include other successful or accomplished people - they may be positively competitive, but not derogatory. If a healthy narcissist takes a blow to their self-esteem, negative feelings may be processed without a melt-down or flying into a rage. Extreme narcissists, on the other hand, tend to exist in a world of hypervigilance. Any perceived threat or challenge is likely to be aggressively countered. Failing to do so could result in painful crashes to their self-esteem (narcissistic injury), as their opinion of themselves are overinflated, delicate and variable. This hypervigilance includes people they see as threatening, so it may be beneficial for you to lie low and purposely reduce the traits of your own that may make them feel competitive or badly about themselves.  

Avoid exposing them  

Exposing the narcissist and getting the “truth” out for all to see can be appealing and feel like the right thing to do. You may think this is the best solution for them, you and anyone else involved - that they will suddenly see clearly and take responsibility for changing their behavior. Forget about being right for a moment and bringing the truth to light.  

Pointing out that the narcissist is not as wonderful as they think, can result in a huge backlash, that you then must be around, and may not be able to escape. They are not ever going to agree with you, as they are tied to their elevated identity. Rather than changing their minds, they will be more likely to simply despise you for your opinions.  

Admire and listen to them  

Being amenable is probably the most passive technique that you can take, but so long as you are not already on the narcissist’s “naughty list” can be really effective at pulling you through difficult times, until you reach calmer waters or are able to end the relationship. Clinical psychologist Al Bernstein suggests that remaining quiet and allowing the narcissist to come up with reasons to congratulate themselves is easy, effortless and requires nothing more than listening and looking interested.  

Admiring them, their achievements and qualities as much as they do can be a fast route into their “good books.” So long as you avoid getting too close, this position in their good books can allow you to maintain a happier status quo with the narcissist still in your life. 

Don’t reject them   

Rejecting a narcissist, whether in reality or in their perception, is likely to make them feel incredibly hurt or angry - as it causes a deep narcissistic injury. A jilted lover may feel a great deal of pain when the source of their affection no longer wants them. So, too, a narcissist feels deeply aggrieved when a source of narcissistic supply - or anyone else for that matter - decides that they are not “good enough.”  

Extreme narcissists – ever hypervigilant - may feel rejected for reasons that more average people would not. Being too busy or not having a good enough reason to deny their request for your company or collaboration can easily be taken to heart and result in an unexpectedly intense response. It’s best to give them a legitimate reason that is beyond your control than to show that you’re choosing to reject them. Being too busy to meet or see them is best if your reason is irrefutable, like having to work late to meet a specific deadline, attend an important wedding, or are booked onto a vacation or trip elsewhere.  

Avoid showing weakness

If you show a narcissist what it is that makes you vulnerable, or what it is that you really want, they may at some point use it against you when they want to manipulate you. Narcissists will frequently learn what it is that you want most from them, and set about denying it so that you are in a constant state of “need”. If a narcissistic mother does this, she may control her children through their neediness for her love. The same goes for a romantic partner. They’ll ration your supply of what you enjoy most from them to keep you controllable and pliable.  

If they know your greatest concerns or fears they may leverage these to manipulate you. They may even use you as a distraction from their own inner turmoil when they are experiencing crashing self-esteem, by needling you on your points of weakness, to make themselves feel strong again.  

For example, an NPD manager suffering a meltdown of anxiety after a disastrous sales pitch may proceed to milk his staff for reassurance on his performance, whilst then moving the conversation on to subjects that he knows are extremely personal and emotional for them - transferring his fears to them and feeling better himself.  

By not conceding any weaknesses to a narcissist and always taking a diplomatic “I know I’ll be happy either way” approach, their power will bring you down whilst raising themselves higher is lost. This may take on the appearance of a game of cat and mouse, until eventually the narcissist must concede that you are not “easily pinned” or risk exposing themselves and being seen as a pessimistic and negative person.  

Give them an “out”   

You can give them the opportunity to stop playing manipulative games by offering them an “out” such as: “You’re being uncharacteristically pessimistic today. You’re usually such an optimist! Is there anything wrong?” and in doing so call them to return to their “higher state of glory” without continuing their attack. Subconsciously, they may even be aware that you successfully navigated their manipulation and decide to give you a wider berth in future, or that they need to keep you on the side. 

If the attack is particularly vicious or nasty, avoiding emotions but maintaining a cool, calm and empathic approach can work well to bring them back around. Whether you believe it or not, providing them with a defense that effectively excuses their behavior will be much appreciated - as it helps them to avoid a crushing sense of shame and subsequent denial loops, and simply feel that they are understood and forgiven. You may even be surprised to find that this approach results in a voluntary concession and what may seem like the beginnings or a more responsible approach, but this is not something that should be anticipated or expected.  

Don’t expect fairness  

Extreme narcissists are likely to be far more concerned with getting what they want, than ensuring that everyone is treated fairly. Reward their behavior rather than their words so that they only get what they want, when you get what you want too. 

Extending credit or accepting promises from an extreme narcissist is a dangerous leap of faith that may not be rewarded. Lack of follow through is just as likely to occur because the narcissist forgets their agreements - their attention being consumed with themselves and their own concerns rather than remembering their obligations. 

They want to look good  

Understanding what a narcissist wants means that so long as you avoid triggering narcissistic injury, they may be able to be worked with. You may even be able to maneuver them, if you start to think like them. 

Extreme narcissists really want to look good. If you can align what they want with what you want, you may be able to achieve great successes together. Alternatively, you may simply be able to manage and placate them to make your life easier or until you are able to leave the relationship. 

Understand their narcissistic supply   

Narcissists need people to gain narcissistic supply. You might compare that a healthier person needs others for mutual love and support, but as we proceed higher up the extreme narcissism scale, the need becomes more one-directional and desperate in nature, to prevent painful relapses to a place of low self-esteem. So, what exactly do they want from you? 

Highly narcissistic people often prioritize relationships and career choices based on how much praise or attention they can receive. Many narcissistic people hamper their own development (or never develop a range of interests in the first place), by making choices for praise and success over other forms of enjoyment. If they have chosen you as a part of their life, it may be that you provide a high level of narcissistic supply. 

If you have not been chosen voluntarily, you may find that your relationship quality depends on how readily you give narcissistic supply, or whether you question or criticize them.  

Taking responsibility for not damaging their wellbeing - whilst protecting your own - is as important for them as it is for anyone else. You would not feel great about filling the liquor cabinet in the home of an alcoholic, nor should you feel great about pedaling exorbitant approval and attention onto this already dependent individual. Moderate and considerate amounts to avoid attack or denigration is enough for you to get by. 

An audience  

Narcissists often want an audience. They may spend a great deal of time talking about themselves. This serves their need to feel special (since they are always the subject of the discussion). They also get to let other people know how much they have accomplished in life. And the result of this is that they get lots of praise from other people.   

Status  

Presuming they don’t feel threatened by people of high status, they may want to associate with them in order to feel superior to others. If you think you classify as “high status”, this may be what they are using you for. In this case - check your own score for narcissism. It is not unknown for narcissists to flock together and form superficial friendships and relationships to “show off” to others and highlight how special they both are, such as in a “trophy” partner / wealthy-partner relationship. Alternatively, they may want company from someone who is lower than they are to compare to themselves to, for a similar sense of superiority.  

Some may choose a mix of friends - a bunch of successful equals to go out and “show off” with, and one or two best friends to feel superior to, to impress and revel in their attention.  

Sex  

It may be that the extreme narcissist does not engage in sexual relationships for the emotional value it has; but for sex, and sex alone. They may revel in their ability to seduce, in their sexual performance, or in a sense of higher status or dominance within the sexual dynamic. 

Love  

Narcissistic people like to feel that there is someone who loves them and wants to be with them. Depending on how they view themselves, this may result in higher levels of infidelity or cheating. If a narcissist defines themselves as “good” or “moral” then cheating itself (or engaging in any generally scorned upon activities) could result in crushing shame and self-loathing, making it less likely to happen. On the other hand, if the narcissist is reluctant to see their partner as an equal, the likelihood of cheating increases.  

Avoid flooding them with supply   

If you are concerned about providing a narcissist with supply, keeping them in line can be aligned more with what they don’t want. Being all about appearances, narcissists feel more shame than guilt. They really don’t want to look bad.  

Asking them to consider their reputation may make them think far more carefully than asking them to consider other people’s feelings. If they think their actions will be perceived badly by others, they are far less likely to act. This can be achieved by asking them what people would think about what they did or asking probing questions to trigger them into having an alternative idea themselves.  

Chapter 10. Ways to Stop a Deceiver in Their Tracks

If you've read up to this point, then chances are you're probably thinking of a long list of people that have just got to be narcissists or deceivers in your life. However, as a caution: Not everyone is a narcissist just because you have a little tiff here and there. Also, keep in mind that you might be recollecting past events through the narcissistic glasses, and so everyone might seem to be that way. 

With that said, if you've asked yourself the questions listed in this book, and have observed for yourself that you really are dealing with a deceiver, how do you deal with them? Let's get into that.

Putting an End to Gaslighting

Pay attention to the pattern. One of the major reasons gaslighting is so effective is that, for the most part, the target is completely ignorant of what's happening. The minute you move from ignorance to complete awareness, you will have successfully taken back some of your power. You will find it easier to shrug off the narcissist when they start playing games again.

Keep in mind that the deceiver might never change, no matter what you do. Sometimes, the only way there can be any change is with the help of a professional. Gaslighting is all that the manipulator knows how to do, so you cannot expect them to give that up in favor of logic or reason. There is no other better coping mechanism that they know. This is not to say that they should not be held accountable for their actions. I'm just making sure you now not to hold on to the hope that they will change. They could, but don't hope for it. Accept that they're wired the way they are, and only professional therapy can help them become better people. 

Remember that gaslighting behavior is not necessarily about you. It all really comes down to the fact that the deceiver needs to feel like they're in charge. They need that rush of power. At their core, the deceiver is riddled with insecurity. The only way they know how to get rid of that feeling is to make others feel less than they are, or at least give themselves the illusion that they are better than everyone else. Keep this in mind, and you will not bother internalizing anything they say or do anymore. You will be in a better position to manage the relationship you have with them or to end it altogether.

Create a support system that you can rely on . Dealing with a deceiver on your own is no walk in the park. It helps to have other people that you can talk to, who will validate your perception of reality as well as your sense of self-worth. If you've noticed that ever since you got involved with the narcissist, you've somehow been cut off from the people that matter to you, then now is the time to reach out to them. Do not buy into the narcissist's lies about how no one else can love you the waythey do. That is simply not true! Commit to spending time with your friends and family. Make appointments, if you must. Treat these appointments with as much commitment as you would a business meeting. The less isolated you are, the less of a hold the deceiver can have on you.

Spend a long time thinking about whether you want to keep investing in the relationship. This is crucial, especially since having to deal with the deceiver's shenanigans eats away at your peace of mind, self-worth - and even your health. Is the deceiver your manager, or your boss? Then take proactive steps to find another job, making it a non-negotiable agreement with yourself that you're moving to a different, better job. If the deceiver is your lover and you'd like the relationship to continue, then keep in mind that you'll both be needing some therapy, and you will have to make that a non-negotiable aspect of your relationship if you decide to stay. 

Start to build your self-esteem back up. Having been with a deceiver for too long, it's easy to forget just how awesome you are!  You need to take some time to remind yourself of everything about you that is amazing, no matter what the deceiver has said to make you think otherwise. You might need to begin journaling so that at times when you are low or starting to buy into the insidious lies they have packed your head with, you can reopen that, and remind yourself of your awesomeness. Don't just write about the great things about you. Write about times when you felt the most alive, the most joyful. As you do this, you will naturally find yourself craving those times again, and taking action to liberate yourself and your mind.

Be open to getting professional help. It's difficult being the victim of gaslighting. Your self-esteem, sense of self, and sanity will have taken a beating. You might find that you're slow to make decisions, constantly unsure of yourself, and always wondering if you're good enough. You might even be suffering from depression or anxiety. If you find that you're overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness, uncertainty, hopelessness, and apathy, then chances are you need to seek the help of a professional psychotherapist right away, so that you can rebuild yourself after the devastating damage caused to you by the deceiver

Change Is Possible

There it is. The answer you've been hoping for, waiting for with bated breath: it’s possible for people to change, no matter what personality disorder they have been diagnosed with. Think of these diagnoses as a shorthand way of describing certain people. You can never use one word to totally encapsulate a person's life. When words like extrovert, introvert, or narcissist get bandied about, they seem to imply a permanence to the individual's personality. That's not always the case.

It helps to consider that these disorders are not necessarily descriptions of who people are in summary. It would be more accurate to think of these labels as the perfect descriptions for behavioral and/or inter-relational patterns, and nothing more. The same applies to narcissistic personalities.

Born of Vulnerability

A lot of researchers are of the opinion that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a result of growing up in conditions where it's not safe to be vulnerable. The narcissist as a child had to accept that it was a sign of imperfection to be vulnerable, and that showing any vulnerability meant that they had no worth at all. This theory is the reason there's often a connection made between insecure attachment styles and narcissism, meaning the narcissist is driven to control all their relationships because they are afraid to be in a position where they need to depend on someone else. 

The narcissist is adept at keeping people from knowing who they really are. They will refuse to acknowledge their vulnerabilities or opt to suppress them or project them onto others so that they can keep crafting the person they want to be in relation to others. For the narcissist to change, they must be willing to be vulnerable. This means leaving themselves wide open to emotions that they have suppressed and denied over the years. The trouble with narcissists is not that they are unable to change, it’s that they are unwilling to because it would mean that the identity of the person they have struggled to craft will be blown to bits. In a narcissist's mind, all the relationships which they have failed at simply offer more reason why they should remain the way they are.

Understand that the narcissist defines themselves by how others perceive them. A narcissist can't be a narcissist if they don't have anyone to put on a show for. They need to be the center of attention, and so they love to have the spotlight of attention from those who bother to stick around them. Over time, of course, their performance starts to get old. The narcissist knows this and is constantly running scared that others will realize there's really nothing to them. This is one of the reasons the narcissist refuses to change, as they are more certain than ever that the fix is not to come clean and be vulnerable but to put on a more flamboyant show and pile on some more makeup to conceal all their flaws.

When the Narcissist Finds True, Secure Love

When the narcissist happens to find someone who cares about them and is not just sticking around for the flash, they're still deathly afraid that this person will think they're not worth it. The fear they feel is a subconscious one that they are not aware of, but it is very real. This is what fuels the narcissist to do things like shift blame and guilt onto their partner or act all grandiose.

When their antics are exposed to the light of day, and everyone sees them for what they are, they get angry because they've slipped up and alienated everyone who mattered to them. Rather than change their ways, this causes them to double down on who they are. They become even more narcissistic than ever before, ironically leading to the abandonment and rejection that they're so afraid of.

Breaking the Cycle

To help the narcissist, there's nothing else to do but break that vicious cycle. As gently as you can, you need to throw a wrench in the works whenever they try to control you, create distance between you, blame you, or defend themselves. This means letting them know in no uncertain terms that you're willing to have them in your life, but not on those terms. What terms, then? You should show them that they can join you in the sort of intimacy where they can be loved for who they really are, flaws and all. They only need to be willing to let that happen.

The point to take away from all of this is that narcissism is simply one way of relating to others, and you can always change the way you relate with people. It's not going to be easy for narcissists to let themselves get so vulnerable as to allow intimacy, but it is possible.

The Narcissist to who wants to Change

If you happen to know someone who's a narcissist but has expressed the willingness to do better, then you can let them read the book. Here is a list of things the narcissist will need to do to become a better person. This is addressed to the narcissist, not the victim.

Learn to recognize and respect boundaries. When you do, you'll find that you stop losing relationships, and improve them. You must understand where you end, and another begins. You need to understand that other people have their own beliefs, thoughts, and emotions, and they can be completely different from yours while remaining valid. To help you understand boundaries better:

● Listen twice as much as you speak.

● Use other people's names when you write to them, and when you speak to them, too.

● Get curious about the people around you. Ask questions to learn what matters to them and what's new in their lives. Don't be inappropriate in your asking.

● Be mindful of encroaching into other people's personal space and time. Always ask permission first before you do.

● Rather than issue orders, ask open questions. Don't ask leading questions. Don't assume you know better than others.

● When others make a choice that is different from yours, respect it. You won't always get what you want, and that's okay.

Be genuine, always, in all ways. You will find it more refreshing than lying, pretending, and manipulating others. How can you be more genuine?

● Keep your word. If you know you won't keep a promise, don't make it.

● Did you make a promise you can't follow through on? Then own it.

● Don't say or do things that will make others feel like they've been cheated.

Observe yourself often so you can grow in mindfulness. The more you observe, the better you can see how you cause problems in your relationships and push people away. Assume that there's the usual you, and then there's your higher self who observes you from a higher point of view. Here's how to be more mindful:

● Ask your higher or observer self whether whatever you're about to say or do will have good or bad consequences.

● Ask your observer self if your actions and words are all about you showing off, or about you building a great relationship with others.

● Feel like you just did or said something off? Ask your observer self how it would feel if someone said or did that to you. Then apologize and make amends quickly.

Be willing to seek professional help. This will help you along your journey to becoming a more rounded individual, faster. You don't have to struggle with this on your own. You need the guidance of a psychotherapist. You need to be willing to be honest if you're going to make permanent, lasting change. It's going to be so worth it in the end because you will finally discover your authentic self, and your relationships will be better for it.

Do forgive yourself. This is the only way to get the healing you need. It's also the only way that you can be more comfortable with being vulnerable. An added plus is you'll finally be able to flex those empathy muscles. It might be hard to forgive yourself, and you may find yourself crippled with remorse sometimes. Just be kind to yourself in moments like this. You only did the best you knew to do so that you could cope. It's not your fault that you weren't allowed to be your true self when you were growing up. Focus on the fact that now, you can do better. Now, you can rediscover yourself.

Be okay with being human. You won't be perfect. You never were. You have flaws, but that's okay! Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. This is the way to allow rich, beneficial, loving relationships in your life; this is how you grow. You simply need to be fine with who you are. Be okay with being true to yourself, even if it means being vulnerable.

It's going to take you some time. Be patient. You will find yourself. You will also learn that the thing you feared the most is not real. The people who love you don't up and leave just because of imperfection or five. After all, we're all flawed in our own way. 

The Trouble with Emotional Abuse

The trouble with emotional abuse is that because it leaves no scars, you can see, it often gets dismissed, or is almost impossible to spot when it happens. Make no mistake: the damage from emotional abuse is very real, and it can last a long, long time.

When you're psychologically abused, the other person is saying and doing things to make you think whatever they want. Generally, the goal is to make you confused, disillusioned, and totally dependent on them for your sense of self-worth and identity. It is an incredibly hurtful, despicable thing to do to another person, and can lead to very real mental health issues like depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and anxiety. 

Unmasking Emotional Abuse

There are a lot of myths about emotional abuse, which do a very good job of camouflaging it so that it's hard to detect. Let's rip the mask off, so you can have an easier time figuring out whether you or someone you care about is being abused.

Myth #1: Emotional abuse is always accompanied by physical abuse.

It isn't. There can be emotional abuse with no physical abuse; this often flies under the radar.

Myth #2: Emotional abuse is nowhere near as damaging as physical abuse. This is just pure falsehood. If it hurts, then it hurts. It is not a productive argument to say that one form of abuse hurts more than another. Abuse is not okay. If you're being abused, then you deserve better, and you need all the help you can get. 

Myth #3: Emotional abuse only affects women. Abuse can happen to both women and men. There is no exception. Also, it happens in other contexts besides relationships, such as at work, and with friends as well.

What to Do If You're Being Abused

If you're emotionally abused, then you're constantly criticized for everything you say and do. You're blamed all the time, even for things that could never be your fault. You're made to feel ashamed. Your deceiver constantly threatens to hurt you physically or to do something they know you don't want them to. You feel like you have zero control over your life, as the abuser takes all your power away, sometimes even going as far as controlling your finances so that you have no choice but to stay with them and do whatever they want. 

If you recognize yourself in the paragraph above, then you need to do something. You need to reach out and ask for help. There is no shame in that. As a matter of fact, asking for help is one of the bravest things you can possibly do, especially when you're in a situation where you have been completely worn down and out by the abuser.

Talk to anyone you can about what you're going through. Confide in them, and not only will you have someone on your side, but you will also be able to occupy your time by hanging out with others besides your abuser. Work on getting more and more people you can talk to who will back you up.

Have a safety plan in place. While there's not necessarily physical abuse going on along with the emotional abuse, it's still important to be safe. This means you need to think up plans for how you can escape from the relationship whenever you are finally ready to up and leave the abuser.

Don't Make Excuses for the Abuse

A lot of the time, people will fall back on mental disorders in order to justify when they do what they do. They don't talk about it like they want to make genuine change. It's just a copout for them to keep treating you the way that they always have.

It's not uncommon for the person abusing you to try to make light of the situation or try to blame you for a reason they're acting the way they do. It can seem like your significant other doesn't know when they do what they do or are completely incapable of realizing the implications of their actions. However, this is just more smoke and mirrors on their part. They know what they're doing. The whole point behind being seemingly unaware is to make you feel even less sure of yourself. Next thing you know, you start wondering if you're not overly dramatic or delusional! I want you to know that your abusive partner is very aware of how they're hurting you, and they always are in control of how they act disorder or no. Want proof?

They will decide when to abuse you, and how far they will push it. A perfect example is when they threaten to hit you but don't. Or when they abuse you in ways that you can never really tell others, because there's no proof, and it can seem like you're making something out of nothing.

They only ever abuse you, not others . If they truly had no control over their actions, wouldn't they abuse everyone in their lives? But they don't, do they? That's because they can control themselves. If it were that they suffered from a disorder, then everyone in their life would get the same treatment, and not just you.

They escalate their terrible behavior. When it's a matter of having a disorder, there can be changes in the person's state of mind. Even then, though, there is a consistency in the way that they behave. However, you may have noticed your abuser will sometimes choose not to abuse you for a while. Other times, they will steadily ramp up the abuse as your relationship goes on. This is more proof that they really can decide to be different or better.

You need to keep in mind that regardless of whether the deceiver has an actual mental health problem, you are not the one to be held accountable for how they treat you! It's possible to be diagnosed with a disorder and still choose not to act out in controlling, manipulative ways. They will simply need to acknowledge their issues and be open and willing to seek the help that they need. Please, always remember that you're not the reason they act the way they do, and therefore you're not the cure they need. They must own their actions, and they alone can take the first step they need, to change themselves.

Chapter 11. A Match Made in Hell: Narcissists And Empaths

There is one specific union which is never going to end well. We are of course talking about the match between a narcissist and an empath. The reason is that both are at totally opposite ends of the empathy spectrum, and as a result, they clash constantly.

This chapter is going to explore why narcissists and empaths are a terrible match, but we’re also going to discuss the fact that this is a match which happens more often than you would think.

First things first, we need to explore what an empath is, to really understand why this union is one to avoid at all costs.

What is an Empath?

There is a difference between someone who is an empath and someone who possesses empathy. A person who has empathy can understand the feelings of others and put themselves in their shoes. This is most people, but everyone varies with the degree of empathy they have. Someone can be a highly sensitive person, e.g. have a high amount of empath, but that still doesn’t make them an empath.

An empath is someone who is extremely sensitive to the emotions of others, to the point where they take them on as their own. For example, an empath may be standing next to someone in the line for the bus, and that person may be feeling angry about something that has happened that morning. As a result, the empath will begin to feel angry, but they have no reason to feel angry themselves. They’re picking up on the vibrations and emotions of the other person and exhibiting that emotion as their own.

Empaths are not rare, and many people have this tendency in their lives. Whilst it is considered a gift, the person who has it may not consider it so! Life can become very overwhelming for people who are so sensitive to emotions around them, and many empaths find large groups to be very draining. As a result, they will either avoid large gatherings or will leave quite early.

An empath also has to find ways to manage their “gift” in order to stop it taking over their lives.

In addition to being sensitive to emotions, empaths are also drawn to people who are in need. Empaths are very pure and positive people, and they like to help others who may be going through a hard time or maybe suffering in some way but not vocalizing it. The problem occurs when an empath cannot draw a line between their own emotions and the emotions of another person, and they find it extremely difficult to walk away from those in their life, simply because they can feel their pain and their general emotions.

The main traits of an empath are:

●         Usually introverted but can be extroverted too,

●         Like their own space and time alone,

●         Can become overwhelmed in large groups,

●         Highly sensitive,

●         Very intuitive,

●         Can easily become overwhelmed when in a relationship and needs to learn how to step back a little and take their own space whenever needed,

●         Often give too much of themselves, as they normally have big hearts,

●         Their senses are highly attuned,

●         They often need to be around nature to feel calm.

Aside from absorbing the emotions of others like a sponge, one of the biggest risks of having this empathic gift is the fact that empaths are a huge target for narcissists and other “energy vampires”. An energy vampire is someone who is very negative or someone who is very manipulative and finds it easy to literally suck the life out of an empath, who is willing to give to the point of exhaustion. To protect themselves against such people, empaths need to have plenty of time and space to themselves.

Why Are Narcissists And Empaths Drawn to Each Other?

Now we know what an empath is, why are empaths and narcissists a common coupling?

There is an attraction on both sides here. Firstly, the empaths recognize the struggle of the narcissist, e.g. their lack of confidence and their underlying struggles. The empath can feel this but they also have a nurturing side which makes them want to make things better. Of course, we know that nobody can make a narcissist better, but the empath wants to try.

In addition, narcissists are, as we know, extremely charming and can trick people into thinking they’re a wonderful person, when underneath they may have other intentions. Because an empath always wants to see the best in people, they have a tendency for falling for the charm. You would think that their intuition would allow them to see past this smokescreen, but the narcissist is an expert at deception and often manages to slip beneath the radar.

The reason a narcissist is attracted to an empath is because of their opposite nature. Remember, narcissists, don’t have empathy like a non-narcissistic person. An empath is totally the opposite and has empathy by the bucket-load. This intrigues the narcissist, but they can also see that this may be a person who can easily be manipulated. As a result, the narcissist makes a bee-line for the empath, showing their full charm armory.

Whilst every relationship is different, the chances are that a union between a narcissist and an empath will follow a very common path. The narcissist will charm the empath completely, and the empath will fall completely underneath their spell. The narcissist will then begin their gaslighting techniques as the empath begins to show their confidence and tries to have their own life outside of the relationship.

The empath struggles to understand why the narcissist is causing them distress because they look for the best in everyone. As a result, the narcissist uses tactics to make the empath question their own thoughts and feelings, which is confusing because they’re already overwhelmed with emotions, due to their empathic nature.

Empaths feel everything very deeply, so when the narcissist hurts the empath, they will feel it ten times amplified. This causes a rollercoaster relationship to begin, with ups and downs, crazy highs and crashing lows. The highs and lows are addictive, and the endless gaslighting and charm offensive make them stay.

A relationship between a narcissist and empath is very similar to a relationship between a narcissist and a regular person, however, the difference is the depth of feelings that an empath experiences. As a result, they will have highs and lows which exhaust them, and when this occurs in conjunction with all the other emotions they’re picking up on a day to day basis, the effect can be extremely damaging.

Is There a Future For This Relationship?

Put simply, no. There is less chance of this relationship surviving compared to any other narcissistic-affected relationship. The emotional highs and lows, along with the dependency which the empath will develop toward the narcissist will make the relationship impossible to survive.

The empath will have a very hard time leaving the narcissist, and it will probably take several attempts to actually go through with it. Despite that, it is hoped that the empath eventually finds the strength to walk away.

This type of relationship has no future. The narcissist will drain every last drop of positive out of the empath and leave them completely overwhelmed, emotionally confused, and they will question their sanity to the point of exhaustion.

Of course, the empath will desperately want to “fix” the narcissist and they will try time and time again to do it. In the end, however, they will realize that it’s just not possible and they will give up and move on - at least, that is the hope.

How an Empath Can be Severely Emotionally Damaged by a Narcissist

A narcissist will use the empath’s emotional sensitivity against them. This is a weak point in the eyes of the narcissist, and something they don’t really understand themselves. Being able to feel everything so deeply is so intoxicating to the narcissist, so exotic and different, that they want to explore it and find out more about it. They then realize that this is an “in”, something they can use alongside their gaslighting tactics, and it works very successfully.

An empath is generally a very pure and good person. They try to help and they try to see the good in others, but their emotional sensitivity is their undoing in this situation. They also try time and time again to right the situation, to make the narcissist see the error of their ways, to show them that they understand and want to help, but remember, the narcissist sees no error in their ways. In the eyes of the narcissist, they’re not the one to blame, the empath is. By blaming the empath, they are damaging their self-esteem and their self-worth to a very severe degree.

The constant bombardment of gaslighting, making the empath feel like they’re literally going crazy, will work completely against the overwhelming feeling of experiencing emotions outside of their own head. As a result, the empath may suffer an emotional breakdown, due to complete exhaustion.

An empath will struggle severely with a relationship touched by narcissism because it is something they simply cannot understand themselves. Both sides are totally at odds - the narcissist doesn’t understand the emotional sensitivity of the empath and the empathy they show with almost everything they do. The empath doesn’t understand the narcissist's total lack of empathy and how they can be so cold and unforgiving, yet so charming and giving when they want to turn on the act. The empath may know that something isn’t right, they may want to walk away, but their need to see the good in everyone keeps them where they shouldn’t be.

Put simply, an empath could suffer mental health damage by staying in a relationship with a narcissist, and that will take professional help to right and overcome. They will struggle with building lasting, trusting relationships in the future, and they may also turn against their emotional sensitivity and empathy, and see it as a hindrance, rather than a positive trait or a gift.

A narcissist has the power to destroy an empath.

Points to Take From This Chapter

In this chapter, we have explored the damaging relationship between a narcissist and an empath. You might not have known much about empaths before this chapter, but now the hope is that you understand much more.

Perhaps you're an empath, or you’re very emotionally sensitive yourself. In that case, you need to be very wary of anyone in your life who might be exploring your sensitivity. A narcissist will see an empath as easy pickings, a real target, and someone who is easy to manipulate. To be able to turn the tables, you need to identify the signs, and you also need to develop the strength to walk away.

The main points to take from this chapter are:

●         An empath is someone who is very emotionally sensitive and can take on the emotions of others as their own;

●         Empaths are usually introverted, quiet, kind people, who try to see the best in everyone;

●         Empaths can also become overwhelmed by emotions very easily, and they feel everything very deeply;

●         Narcissists are attracted to empaths because they are curious about their empathy, but also because they may see them as an easy target;

●         Empaths are attracted to narcissists because they want to help, but also because they’re a target for the charm offensive which often comes at the start of a relationship;

●         A relationship with a narcissist may be enough to cause an empath to have an emotional breakdown or burn out reaction if the manipulation is severe enough;

●         The empath will feel the hurt and pain of the treatment by a narcissist very deeply, but will still want to do their best to help their partner;

●         Empaths are likely to need a lot of help and support when walking away from a narcissistic partner and may heed professional help in order to allow them to develop loving and trusting relationships in the future.

Chapter 12 – How to stop being manipulated by a deceiver

Gaslighting has become a hot topic today because it is a harmful manipulation tool either an emotional, psychological manipulation thing that is happening to many people than we even realize. So before now, we have really talked about what gas-lighting is and how do you know that you have been a victim of gaslighting and the tactics that deceivers use.

As stated before, gaslighting is a subtle way of somebody avoiding responsibility after that person has done something bad. In extreme cases, it is a way to emotionally abused or gain power over somebody in harmful ways. If you haven't read the chapter that talks about the signs of gaslighting or how to know if you are being gaslighted, then go and do that now because if you haven't done that, then you won't really understand what this chapter is saying. It won't make sense if you don't recognize what gaslighting is and if you don't realize that it is happening to you. So we are going to talk about some ways to deal with gaslighting.

Clarify yourself

And the first thing is to clarify to yourself how you know you're being gaslighted and then write it down. Write down the specific things that is done or said to you that make you know that you are being gaslighted. Write down specific examples as they come up and write down the things that this person is making you feel crazy, question yourself on, make you feel like you are losing it and making you question your own sanity. Those people use certain tasks to Gaslight you. It is leaking and it's up to and if you're not aware of what the person is doing, you might not even realize that it is happening to you. 

Do some ground exercise

The next one it's for you to start doing some grounding exercises and just take time to be quiet and be still with yourself so that you can start connecting with yourself again. You might take some time to do some deep breathing. Whatever those grounding and meditating exercise is do it to start connecting with yourself again, because gaslighting makes you doubt and question yourself. It makes you. Believing yourself. 

It makes you feel like you can trust yourself again. So you need to start taking time to connect with yourself, again, you need to take the time to start tuning into your inner wisdom and tune to your ability to believe and trust yourself. Because that has been taken away from you, if you haven't gaslighted for a long time at some point in your life, you really need to reconnect with yourself so that you can start to realize that you are being manipulated. You need to be able to trust yourself and see that this person is meant to mess with you and to throw you off. So, you need to get things backgrounded by taking the time to connect with yourself in your thoughts, your beliefs, your perceptions and really ground yourself in that stuff.

Decide whether you want to continue the relationship  

The next one is if it is someone that is currently in your life that is any plating you this week, and if it is becoming a big issue, then you might need to decide whether you want to continue the relationship. So you really need to decide if you need to distance yourself from this person or discontinue the relationship altogether. This is a very serious thing when you are being made to feel small weak or made to feel insignificant, stupid, crazy, insane, then you really need to take it seriously and decide if it is worth it to continue in that relationship. Even though there are certain times that these people will be caring, loving, and wonderful and allow you to have a great moment with them.  But other times, they try to make you feel small, stupid or crazy, so you really need to listen to yourself and really decide if it is worth it. Decide if that person is worthy of staying in your life since that is how they are treating you and making you feel low and taking away from you your ability to feel confident in yourself. 

Reach out to a trusted loved one or friend

The next thing to do is to reach out to somebody like a friend or a trusted loved one and tell that person because; chances are if you have been a victim of gaslighting for a long period. And it has really ever affected your sense of self-worth and ability to trust yourself; then you need to do some healing that is not just going to go away. You really need to dig into it because things like that will start to impact your core believes. It will start to manipulate your self-worth, so you need that intervention to be able to heal from it and be able to move forward from the wounds, the pains, the hurt, and the damage that this might have caused you. So this is something that you really need to take seriously. 

Take a Stand

The last one is to take a stand and not let yourself continue to be a victim. Once you recognize that the gaslighting is happening, then you want to be able to see what the person is doing. You need to stand up to them and say something like I see what you doing and I'm not going to fall for it. No matter how hard they try to convince you, and no matter which Tactics they’re using, try to stand up to them and say that that’s not what happened, you are lying, you are making this stuff up. Try to take a stand and take your power back instead of being a victim or allowing yourself to get manipulated or even abused in this harmful way. 

If you’re doing some of these things and implementing some of these strategies, then it will help you to be able to regain your personal sense of clarity, and then you will start to trust yourself again. You will be able to connect with yourself and even to believe in yourself, and you will be able to trust your senses, your memories, your perceptions, and your version and your interpretation of reality, and you will be able to put a stop to people that are playing the mind games with you. 

Having healthy boundaries is very good in any area of your life especially when it comes to Gaslight. You need to put in those boundaries, say no way, this is not going to happen to me, and no way am I going to fall for this. I'm not going to let you treat me this way. Having healthy boundaries is Crucial.  

Dealing with the Narcissist  

Now that you’ve realized that there is a narcissist in your life, what should you do? 

Take a step back and analyze the situation.  

Determine how bad the situation is. Try to understand the narcissist’s background and his degree of his narcissism. Note or recall what drives him to narcissistic rage. Recall how he tries to punish you. Be aware of the tactics that he uses. Do all these objectively. Being carried away by emotions, shouting or crying will only feed the narcissist. The narcissist has already painstakingly set up a strong image or reputation and you might not come across as credible when you tell others, so you have to do your homework. 

Accept that the narcissist will not change.  

Hoping that you will be able to knock some sense into the narcissist or that you could explain and things to enlighten him will not work. As far as the narcissist is concerned, he has done no wrong.  

Seek help.  

Find people – friends, counselors, religious leaders, or parents- any one you can confide in and who can give advice and emotional support. They can also give feedback from a neutral viewpoint. 

Set boundaries.  

Write down which boundaries the narcissist cannot trespass and a consequence if they do. Writing things down before talking to the narcissist will help you speak without sounding emotional. 

Be realistic.  

Know the narcissist’s limitations and work within those limits. It will only be emotionally draining and a waste of time to expect more from the narcissist than he is capable. Do not expect him to learn to care because he can’t. 

Remember that your value as a person does not depend on the narcissist.   

Don’t punish yourself for getting into a relationship with him. Instead, focus on rebuilding your self-esteem, meeting your own needs and pursuing your interests.   

Speak to them in a way that will make them aware of how they will benefit.  

Instead of voicing you needs, pleading, crying or yelling; learn to rephrase your statements by emphasizing what the narcissist will gain from it. You have learn to appeal to their selfishness. This is a good way to survive in situations when you cannot leave. 

Bring up your ideas to the narcissistic boss when there are witnesses. By having others around to hear your idea, he will find it difficult to claim credit for it. 

Find proof of or document any kind of abuse.  

Make use of technology- CCTV or video recordings, for example- to document instances of abuse. Find witnesses to back you up. 

Do not fall for the narcissist’s tactics again.  

Refresh yourself on his tactics and be on your guard against falling for them again. The narcissist may try to use pity, projection or hoovering. This time, be wiser. It may take practice, as you may have become used to being the “Echo” or codependent. Being aware will help you to resist. 

Leave.    

The best way to deal with the narcissist is not to. For the sake of you emotional and physical well-being, not to mention your sanity, it would be best to leave. If you do leave, expect various tactics from the narcissist to either make your life miserable or to get you (actually his supply) back. You will also undergo a period of distress, akin to mourning when you leave. Seek help and support to get through this stage. Do not be hard on yourself for having allowed yourself to be deceived by the narcissist. Your experience will make you stronger, wiser and, in time, ready for a healthy relationship. In the meantime, focus on your own interests and rebuilding your self-esteem. 

Chapter 13- Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A narcissistic personality disorder is a disease that affects approximately 1% of the population with a higher incidence of males than females. It is characterized by excessive arrogance, lack of empathy and a great need for admiration. The main marker of a narcissistic personality is grandiosity. They are interested in power, prestige, and vanity and believe that they deserve special treatment.

Narcissistic personality disorder should not be confused with a person with high self-esteem. A person with high self-esteem can be humble, while a narcissist cannot. They are selfish, overconfident, and ignore the feelings and needs of others. Also, the disorder has a negative impact on a person's life. In general, one may be dissatisfied with one's life and be disappointed when others do not admire it and are not given the special attitude or care it needs. All vital areas are affected (work, personal, social ...), but one is not able to realize that their behavior negatively affects their relationships. People do not feel comfortable with a narcissistic person and they will feel dissatisfied with their work, their social life, etc.

Symptoms and characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder

Some Of the Symptoms and Characteristics of a Narcissistic Personality These are:

Concern for fantasies, successes ...

Faith, which is of great importance, only feels understood and connected to people who believe they have high status.

They need and require continuous admiration.

Exaggeration of your achievements and abilities.

Feel for rights or privileges.

To envy others and have too much conviction that others envy.

Think and talk most of the time in yourself.

Suggest unrealistic goals.

The expectations of others to provide special services.

I believe that no one can question their motives and demands.

Take advantage of others to get what they want without the hassle.

Arrogance, arrogance.

Easily rejected and injured.

Strong desire.

Responding to criticism with shame, indignation, and humiliation.

Narcissistic personality disorder: causes

There is no definite cause for narcissistic personality disorder, but researchers agree that there are environmental and genetic factors that play a role in the development of the disease.

Some of the genetic factors show that people with a narcissistic personality have less gray matter in the left insula, the part of the brain associated with empathy, emotional regulation, compassion, and cognitive functioning.

The healthy development of man shapes many of the narcissistic personality traits. Researchers believe that the onset of the disorder can occur when there is a conflict in interpersonal development. Some examples of contextual factors that may change the developmental stages of "normal" include:

Learn manipulative behavior from parents or friends.

To be overly praised for appropriate behavior and overly criticized for inappropriate behavior.

You suffer from childhood abuse.

Incompatible parental care.

Being very pampered by parents, friends, family ...

To be too delightful without realistic feedback.

Receive many compliments from parents or others about their appearance or abilities.

Narcissistic personality disorder: treatment

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy is one of the keys to approaching the treatment of narcissistic personality. It is usually used to help a person connect with other people more adaptively and gain a better understanding of their own and others' emotions.

If a person has a narcissistic personality, you may not have heard of the diagnosis. Studies show that they usually do not receive treatment, and if they receive it, progress is slow because it is based on personality traits that have formed over the years. Therefore, it takes years of psychotherapy to make changes. The changes aim to take responsibility for their actions and to learn ways to connect more appropriately. This includes:

You are accepting and maintaining relationships with classmates and family.

They tolerate criticism and failure.

Understand and regulate feelings.

Minimize the desire to achieve unrealistic goals.

Initially, group therapy was thought to be inappropriate because group therapy requires empathy, patience, and the ability to relate to and “connect” with others, something in which a person with narcissistic personality disorder presents with deficits. However, studies show that long-term group therapy can benefit them by providing a safe context where they can talk about their boundaries, receive and give feedback, and raise awareness of themselves and their problems.

Of cognitive-behavioral therapy, in particular, the scheme-focused treatment produces excellent results. It focuses on restoring narcissistic schemas and strategies to deal with them while confronting narcissistic cognitive styles (perfectionism ...). treatment

There is no specific treatment for this disease, but sometimes these people may experience depression or anxiety, and psychotropic medications can be helpful. People with a narcissistic personality can abuse drugs or alcohol, so treating addictive problems can be something useful in this disorder.

Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder

1. The exaggerated notion of personal importance not based on reality.

An inflated view of oneself is one of the main ways narcissists give themselves permission to dominate and control others. Narcissists believe that their priorities, interests, opinions, and beliefs have more value and are more important than anyone else's. Not all narcissists show the world their grandeur; some appear to be very humble or even shy to the outside world, but when they are in intimacy, this will dominate their coexistence.

2. The concern with fantasies of success, wealth, power, beauty, and love above normal.

Narcissists often have a fantasy-filled life and are rarely satisfied with the ordinary, however satisfying or beautiful it may be. This preoccupation with fantasy prevents the narcissistic personality from leading a real and stable life. They feed desires for wealth, fame, power, or status obsessively.

3. The belief that you are a special and unique individual, and can only be committed to or understood by special people.

This idea is an integral part of a survival mechanism that helps them cope with the world. They often define themselves by what they consider their special qualities and inform us of those qualities as soon as we know them.

4. The intense need for admiration.

Love me, watch me, pay attention to me. Narcissists tend to magnify and be their reference.

5. Feeling of worthiness.

Normal rules, regulations, and patterns of behavior infuriate narcissists, who think they are so unique that they do not have to obey reasonable expectations or respect appropriate limits. They may be equally plagued by hard work, illness, or injury. On the other hand, the rules that are imposed by them on others must always be respected.

6. The tendency to exploit others without feeling guilt or remorse.

Depending on the other characteristics of his personality, the narcissist may induce us to do all his work for him or, for example, take our money, allow us to pay his bills, receive gifts without ever giving, charge more for services and pay less, leave waiting for hours around the corner in the rain, without considering that this behavior is disrespectful. Your sense of worthiness makes these behaviors normal, preventing them from feeling guilty or remorseful.

7. Lack of significant empathy.

The narcissist has very little ability to put himself in someone else's shoes. Your pain, your problems, and your point of view dominate the universe. Perhaps nothing more reflects the narcissist's behavior than the inability to understand and identify with the experience of others. This is particularly true when the person who needs understanding is someone the narcissist is exploring, that is, his current target (loving, working, family, or friend).

8. The tendency to be envious or to imagine oneself the envy of others.

The narcissist has difficulty adjusting to a world in which other people seem to have “more” or “better” things. Narcissists often fail to recognize that they are envious and turn sentiment into contempt.

9. Arrogance.

Narcissists often have a snobby attitude toward people they think are not up to their "high" standard of intelligence, competence, accomplishment, values, morals, or lifestyle. Believing that the other is inferior helps them reinforce and inflate their conviction of superiority. Criticizing and diminishing others make them feel good about themselves. They are often homophobic, racist, prejudiced of all kinds simply because they think they are superior to a specific group.

Characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder

The excessive vision of the self, rather than a solid self-confidence, reflects an excessive concern for supposed excellence.

Active and competitive when looking for status, since their personal value is measured according to the status they have

If others do not recognize that status, they think they deserve, and they feel intolerable mistreated, get angry, become defensive, or depressed. If they are not known as superiors, their belief of inferiority and lack of importance is activated.

He is, therefore, hypersensitive and experiences very intense feelings in response to the criticisms of others.

They need, at all costs, the recognition of people whom they consider essential.

They do not tolerate discomfort or negative affection. They reject the vital circumstances that require a certain sacrifice and tolerance towards others such as marriage, and he thinks that he does not have to make concessions and yield to the other.

If limits are placed or criticized they become very unpleasant and defensive.

They show a very demanding and insensitive appearance, show little interest in emotionally supporting the other. They are very difficult to influence and are characterized by being great exploiters.

When others react to their exploitation and get angry with him, the narcissist thinks that what happens to him is that they are jealous of him.

                   Carefree of the feelings of others, very self-centered. When they have a conversation with others, they can give the feeling of unique personal interest. Although they can be warm in a first interaction, they immediately show arrogance, hurtful comments towards each other or insensitive actions.

                   They often envy the successes of others and discredit the people they see as competitors. Spend a lot of time comparing yourself to others

                   The worth of others lies in the ability of others to admire him. The narcissist likes people who offer him devotion.

                   He feels very comfortable giving orders because he believes he is the only one who is in possession of the truth. The others seem mediocre, compared to him; they are only mere apprentices or aspirants to be like him.

                   In the face of an argument, they can misrepresent the conversations to make others feel guilty. In order to justify the bad treatment that it gives to others, they look for more or less solvent reasons that excuse their lack of consideration towards others, placing themselves in the best possible situation.

                   Their apparent loquacity facilitates access to others but those friendships lack the intimacy component. Finally, they are perceived as boring conversationalists.

                   Behind its facade, there is a great feeling of incapacity, incompetence, and lack of pleasure in any achievement. Everything they do is aimed at sustaining their fragile self-esteem.

                   The difference between self-esteem and narcissism is according to Bushman and Baumeister (1998): "High self-esteem means thinking well of oneself, while narcissism implies passionately wanting to think well of oneself." So for the narcissist, self-esteem is the result of external success, what they do not trust is their personal worth.

                   They take great care of their image and their manners since they continuously sit in a shop window. You can demand the same from nearby people, influencing them to behave in a model way and if you don't get it, criticize and ridicule them thinking that it is "for your own good". But if the people around them fulfill their wishes, the narcissist can feel their shadow, so he criticizes them in the same way.

                   Since the image is everything, the situations in which it may be exposed to others or to the possible criticism of these poses a great threat.

                   For your person to look, they exaggerate their merits and minimize those of others.

                   They dismiss emotions such as sadness or anxiety because they think that feeling something like this is "weak." They do not like to talk about their problems or their negative emotions for fear of being seen as a fragile person. They do not like to feel vulnerable since it is a symptom of inferiority. He prefers to offer an image of imperturbability.

                   They have big unrealistic dreams of job success, economic and looking for ideal romantic love. They also have great fantasies of power.

                   They give great importance to material possessions and in general in everything that implies recognition by others.

                   He presumes to lead a different type of life and this is how he can be involved in insecure businesses, risky sports, lots of sexual conquests, repeated plastic surgery. Whenever there is the possibility of standing out from others, it will.

                   You experience lasting feelings of boredom, of meaninglessness in your lives, of worthlessness, of emptiness, you feel impoverished from an emotional point of view and you crave deeper emotional experiences.

                   It has a sense of corruptible morals and ethics, has changing values ​​and interests, and belittles unusual and conventional values​and norms. You can show sexual behavior that includes promiscuity, lack of inhibition and marital infidelities.

Chapter 14- Toxic Relationships Recovery

How to Reduce Conflicts in Relationships

Being in touch with your feelings and emotions can be an important way to protect yourself from future abuse. We are doomed to repeat history if we choose not to learn from it. It can be necessary to take a long hard look at your own needs to determine if you are capable of having these needs met within your current relationship. Self-reflection requires honesty. Honesty can be painful, but it is through this pain that we are able to complete a metamorphosis.  

This tactic of manipulation can keep victims glued to an abuser’s side. Self-love can be a powerful wedge, allowing the abused partner to become the comfort that they’re so desperately seeking from the abuser. No matter the outcome, staying or leaving, we must learn to care for ourselves. A person who doesn’t value themselves will accept demeaning and degrading behavior because they feel as though they deserve it.  

You deserve to be happy. Your situation may feel absolutely hopeless, but I can promise you that you have it within yourself to make any decision you need to in the interest of self-preservation. Admitting to yourself that you’re in an abusive relationship can feel a bit like taking a step toward the edge of a cliff that drops into oblivion, an unknown abyss. You know that you are comfortable in this misery, but this isn’t happiness.  

Taking these next steps takes courage.

Forgiveness  

This isn’t forgiveness for abuse; that will come later. This is an honest look at the relationship. It is imperative to understand that, as a victim of abuse, you participated in this situation. There is something inside that has been ashamed and afraid to take any ownership of this hardship. Listen, you have wounds that you will need to heal.  

There are reasons that you gravitated toward an abusive partner, and that is something that will need to be addressed one day. For now, forgiveness.  

You are worthy of attention, love, and kindness. Begin to manifest these things by caring for yourself. Understand that you had a hand in this dynamic and forgive yourself. This is the first step toward trusting yourself again. There are so many ways to process the guilt that we feel in these situations, and you can choose what works for you. Reflection is enough for some, but others find it helpful to write yourself a letter.  

Invest in Yourself  

Abusive relationships have the potential to rob us of our confidence. Narcissistic partners want you to feel as though you are silly and irrelevant, and your goals do not matter. It is much easier to lord over another person if their spirit is broken. Loving one’s self can be the most difficult thing in the world when it feels like everything is against you. Any normal human being dropped in a situation such as this is miserable and dejected.  

Make a plan to begin gluing the shattered pieces of yourself back together. This sounds like a huge and abstract undertaking, but it doesn’t have to be. 

Learning to love yourself again can be as familiar as coming home to an old friend. We are going to take it step by step.  

Human beings are uniquely cognizant, which affords us a measure of control over our own lives that the rest of the animal kingdom is missing. Situations (like abusive relationships) can force us into a fishbowl and take away this control. It can be so easy to overlook that we can be exactly what we want to be. We can make it so easy to love ourselves by becoming our own hero. Be the sort of person that you would love and admire.  

Make a list of the qualities and values that you want to embody. List goals and milestones that you want to achieve. It can help if you close your eyes and picture a person that you really admire; this person can be a role model or someone that you have completely made up. What makes this person so admirable to you? Independence? Bravery? Fashion sense? There is nothing too silly. You are authoring the next changes that will occur in your own life. This list may have as many entries as you need. The following is an example to use as a template, should you become stumped: 

Who I want to Be:

Creative 

Funny 

Brave 

This list is a way for you to take back your self-image from your abusive partner’s hands. It is your job to decide who you want to be. You decide what you value, your hair color, your goals, and the way that you handle conflict. You don’t have to see yourself through the eyes of someone who is incentivized to keep you down.  

Now that you have created your list, break it down entry by entry. This is going to be a map to achieving your goals. Working on your list will give you a project to focus on when the days become dark, and it is a fast-track way to relearn self-love. Creating these lists also inches us closer and closer to self-reliance. Each individual goal from your list is now a new list, with steps that you can take to achieve these things. Example:  

Creative:

Research different creative mediums.  

Buy the sketchbook or supplies needed to begin learning new skills.  

Use art to express anger or sadness. 

Experiment with other methods.  

There is no goal or quality that cannot be broken down in this way. Take the pen back from your partner and begin writing your own story again. Stimulate these healthy conversations with yourself, because this communication is going to be necessary moving forward.  

Find an Outlet  

In order to protect yourself from bottling up the words of an abusive partner, it can be important to find an outlet to use for self-expression. Journaling could be a great way to document the abuse and rise above it. There is a lot of unreleased tension in victims of abuse. Stress and anxiety have become a staple of everyday life. Any moment might bring another fight.  

Vent your anger or sadness through a journal or other artistic medium. Allow your mind to rant and rave about the things that you are feeling. Having a way to relieve some of the pressure can be vital in abuse cases. It can also be helpful to find an interest to focus on and is a great way to learn a new skill.  

Research

In the same way that you bought this book, begin obsessively consuming material about narcissists, codependents, or abuse. There is a certain mystery to the way that our brains work in these situations. Sometimes we can be unsure of our own actions and motivations. In order to heal, it is necessary to understand.  

Demystifying abuse will allow you to pull back the veil shrouding the abuser. The only way that you are going to believe that your partner has something wrong is if you are faced with the facts over and over again. Learn the patterns of abuse and clinical definitions.  

Absorbing articles, videos, books, and other literature on the subject will also allow you to predict your partner’s next moves. The abusive partner may seem erratic and unpredictable, but there are reasons behind every behavior. Every name that you have ever been called out of malice.  

Both narcissists and codependents require validation in the same way. This validation is achieved through manipulation and sometimes name-calling and random fights. A narcissist can seem loving one moment and vile the next, but this is just another part of their process.  

Learn everything that you can while you are trapped in this situation. Anticipate the attack and allow the words to roll right off of your skin. When you understand the motivation, then the fights stop seeming so personal.  

Exercise  

Eating and living in a sedentary way is often related to depression and stress. Take back your wellbeing by taking care of your body. This will help improve the way that you feel physically and your self-esteem. Exercise will also help fight all the negative emotions with the brain chemicals that it produces. Exercising for just thirty minutes a day can drastically allow you to change the way that you see yourself. Abuse will slowly and deviously steal away your confidence and happiness.  

Exercise is recommended by doctors to treat both anxiety and depression. Endorphins are released that encourage an overall calm that can combat feelings of negativity brought on by your surroundings. The movement can also induce a meditative state that allows you to forget about the troubles that await you when you return home.  

Challenge Your Comfort Zone  

When your life feels stale, prison-like, and depressing, it can be difficult to spring back to life. Challenging yourself to escape this comfort zone is hard, but it can also be a very rewarding experience. There are so many volunteer organizations that would love to have assistance. Social activities of this nature may also allow you to find new friends and reestablish a support system.  

Your partner will object to these ventures, especially if they are narcissistic. It can be a good idea to shrug off their watchful eye and do some activities that you are interested in. If you are concerned that they will be angry when they find you, remember that they are angry (for sport) constantly anyway. There is no winning, so you might as well take care of your own needs.  

Self-soothing    

Break free of the abusive trauma bond by becoming the person that you turn to for your own comfort. Do not allow your partner to take away the pain of a fresh fight by becoming a different person right in front of you. Learn tactics to calm yourself down, as this talent has the potential to save you from the bondage of an abusive relationship. 

When you need to calm yourself, use cozy blankets in a quiet room. Read a book until your body feels less stressed. Listen to relaxing music or play a podcast to drift along on the tone of a stranger’s voice. Sometimes it can even be helpful to just allow yourself to feel the anger and sadness and then go about your day.  

Baths are a wonderful way to calm down. Candles can also be helpful. Learn about the things that work to relax you and reach for those the next time you are upset. Abusive partners will dangle comfort over your head so that you bend to their will. Behaviors like this make a narcissist feel powerful. Learn to be your own hero and your own light in the dark.  

Praise Yourself  

If you are dating a narcissist, then your self-image has been ripped to shreds. The narcissist is doing this for their own gain. Their view of you has nothing to do with who you actually are. Begin to shake off all that negative and toxic commentary and challenge yourself to replace it with words of encouragement. There are so many areas where you excel. You have so many brilliant ideas. You are so resilient.  

Next time your partner is calling you names or mocking you, pretend that they are doing these things to a friend.  

You would tell that person that the abuser was all wrong and that they are worthy of love. Treat yourself with the same respect.  

Stop the Comparison  

Comparing yourself to others can add another layer of toxicity on an already toxic sandwich. Your relationship isn’t good right now, and there is no need to hold yourself up to someone who has it together at the moment. You are learning some of the most important lessons of your life, and it is already difficult.  

Spending too much time on social media can damage your confidence further. Avoid the things that do not make you feel good. Your journey is completely different from those around you. You are dealing with a situation that many people would not be strong enough to make it through.  

Time for Yourself  

In order to maintain your sanity in the chaos around you, it is necessary for you to spend time doing the things that you love. Music, swimming, hiking, or dancing would all be great examples of activities that allow for escape and relaxation.  

It is imperative that you keep your relationship from defining your life .  

Your partner may object to you spending time without them around because they would rather you not have the chance to calm down. For your own sanity, do whatever you need to do to go out on your own without your partner. There need to be boundaries set that your partner will not cross.  

Activities that allow for reflection can also be a good idea. Meditation and yoga will help to solidify your overall mental health. Learning to keep your center in the face of chaos can be a useful skill to have in these situations.  

Therapy  

It is not always easy to get to a therapist when you are in an abusive relationship. A professional is going to be the best way to seek help for yourself. Therapy will also allow you to reclaim your sanity and stolen self-esteem. A professional will be able to offer you guidance tailored to your specific situation. 

Talking to a professional is the quickest and most effective way to address your mental state and the condition of your relationship.  

The therapist will be able to help you see your situation in an objective way. This can also help to restore your self-worth.   

Is There Anything to Save?

Use these same eyes to look at your partner. Make a list of qualities that you require in a mate or in a relationship. Things that are important to your overall happiness and wellbeing. Do you want independence within your relationship? Do you want a partner who doesn’t lash out in anger?  

Objectively, if you are making no excuses for anyone else’s behavior, can your partner be the person that you need them to be? Have you been looking at this relationship in rose-colored glasses? Do not allow fleeting moments of kindness to obscure mountains of bad behavior.  

Codependency is a deeply rooted behavior that can take lots of effort to change. To save a relationship that is plagued with codependency, both partners must be willing to take steps to change their behavior. Therapy is likely going to be necessary because personal accountability is lacking from the side of the controlling partner. You know your partner better than anyone else, and it is going to take so much honesty to be able to move forward in a way that benefits both parties.  

Empathy is the deciding factor. Has your partner ever done anything for you without expecting repayment? Do you believe that your partner is attached to you, or the things that you are able to do for them? These questions are also dependent on the level of control that your partner is exerting upon, because if abuse is involved beyond manipulation, then you need to leave.  

If you are involved with a partner that you suspect is a narcissist, things will not change. Empathy is necessary for the relationship to evolve into something that isn’t harmful toward both parties. There are extenuating circumstances (such as shared children) that force some victims to continue relationships with narcissist partners. Extensive therapy is needed to keep the abusive partner in check, and these situations involve the victim forgoing a healthy romantic relationship.  

Unless children are involved (and usually even if children are involved), the most sensible course of action is to go. Narcissists panic when they have been threatened with being alone. They will not move on until they have found someone that they consider to better. These individuals will pretend that they are going to change their behavior to save the relationship; they may even believe this.  

The fact of the matter is that narcissism is a slow poison. Most psychologists that this disorder is incurable and will be a detriment to anyone close to the abuser. 

A narcissist will promise change. Their behavior will get better for a few weeks or maybe even a month. They may even want to save the partnership. It isn’t possible for these partners to act in opposition to their nature for very long, and their nature is to serve themselves through the oppression of those closest to them. If you are in the blast-zone, then you are always at risk.  

How to Know When it’s Time to Go  

For those in narcissistic relationships, this research is likely a sign that the end is drawing near. You have probably made up your mind already when it comes to the dissolution of your relationship. Most readers of this book are either retroactively reading about their experience or are entering the miserable stage of limbo right before the trigger is pulled. A stage of stagnation where you are left wondering if you will ever find the courage to say the words. 

If you are teetering on the edge of singledom, listening to your own body can be a clue to your deeper desires.  

Do you still enjoy spending time with your partner? Do you dread being in the same room with your significant other? What does your body tell you about time spent together?  

If there is any physical violence in your relationship, the time to go is now or the soonest that you can safely escape. When you are caught in a cycle of abuse, it can be best to make up your mind and wait silently for an opportunity to run. The best thing that you can do for your future is to guard your safety now. Leaving is a provocation and should be done swiftly and quietly. Have people in your life on standby, ready to assist you with your escape when you give the word.  

Readers who are involved in codependent relationships must assure that their partner is willing and capable of change. If the offending party is comfortable with the dynamic of the partnership, this is a strong indication that nothing will change. Never feel guilty for taking steps to ensure your own happiness. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. Threats and further attempts at manipulation are a good sign that you are making the right choice.  

Those who leave partners who have controlled and belittled them throughout the relationship have this deeply ingrained view that they are unworthy of love. Victims believe that if they leave such a situation, no one else would want them.  

Their hobbies, interests, values, and looks have been torn apart for so long that it can be hard for them to see themselves as worthy.  

The fights are always manipulated to seem as though the victim is deserving of the abuse. The victim made a tiny mistake, so the abuser is justified in exploding. No matter what the victim does, it will never be enough to stop the flood. If you have found yourself asking your partner to stop criticizing your every move, you may be one of these victims. Do you believe that you have been treated like a partner should be treated? If the answer is no, then it is time to formulate a plan.  

Conclusion

Gaslighting is a kind of psychological mistreatment. Somebody who is gaslighting will attempt to make a victim question their impression of the real world. The deceiver may persuade the victim into believing that their recollections aren't right or that they are blowing up over nothing. The abuser may then present their own contemplations and emotions as "the genuine truth." Deceivers/narcissists can cause a lot of injuries.

On the off chance that you are involved with a deceiver/narcissist, it might have damaged you in ways that you aren't truly aware of yet. Contemplate how the deceiver/narcissist might be affecting your perspective on yourself and your general surroundings. Just as being able to speak your feelings helps you connect with them—and with the energy to stand up for yourself—so does expressing your feelings in a different way.

Gaslighting is the favorite tool of a narcissist, and a narcissist will seek to keep you under control by gradually eroding every bit of your sanity. Doubting your own senses is in no way healthy for you, and you have to be aware of how narcissists operate to avoid the mess of dealing with them in your future relationships.

Millions and millions of people around the world are finding their real voice against gaslighting and are now enlightening more people about the damaging effects of gaslighting. It is no understatement when I repeat that countless people have fallen victim to this form of abuse at one point or the other in their lives.

The good news is there are countless survivors who have fought their way through depression and other devastating effects of gaslighting and are now living healthy lives. I believe that with the proper management techniques, any victim can get over the emotional abuse and mental manipulation to go on and lead a productive and fulfilling life.

My thoughts are with you, and you can find strength in the fact that you can make it through the trying times. Use that strength to carry yourself through until you find your true self again.

The next step is to get all the help you can, find a support group, and start making plans for your own self.

So please, remember that Inner Strength + Emotional Support + Plan = Independence and Freedom.

Jack Mind

Master Your Emotions

Introduction

Congratulations for downloading this book.

This book is the result of years of providing therapy to couples, families, and individuals in trouble with their relationships. When I began my practice, I noticed that people who displayed good communication skills in normal interactions with others could change drastically when they interacted with family members or their spouses. There was a distinct difference between how people acted when calm and how they acted when upset.

People who become emotionally reactive, can’t access communication skills. Emotional reactivity (ER) short-circuits a person’s capacity to think clearly and act rationally. This is particularly true when a person is interacting with a loved one and has a history of emotional reactivity with that person. The main requirement in mastering one’s emotions is to overcome emotional reactivity.

You should consider that this book is a guide and its major aim is to help you get to know your emotions, help you master them so that they do not become a hindrance but instead a fuel source that powers your creativity and initiative.

Let’s get started!

Chapter 1: Emotions

In every moment of our lives, there is always a conversation that takes place in our mind. It is usually one of the most integral conversations we could ever see ourselves engaging in. this conversation is usually a silent, mostly subconscious and limitless conversations based on emotional signals between the brain and the heart. The motive behind this conversation is usually quite imperative as the emotional signal sent from the heart to the brain determines the type of chemicals that get released into our bodies. The moment we feel emotions that we typically term as negative such as anger, jealousy, rage and hate, the heart quickly sends to the brain a signal that expresses our feelings. These types of emotions can be chaotic and irregular and this is clearly shown in the signal patterns received by the brain from the heart.

How emotions transform into stress

To break this concept down, let’s have a look at the stock market and liken these emotions to it on a volatile and wild day. Imagine what the data charts show with signals going up, down and haywire. This is the type of signals we make in our hearts when we experience such emotions. What the body does is to interpret such signals as stress and that certain mechanisms which help us to appropriately respond are set into motion. The stress gotten from negative emotions tends to have an adverse effect on the amounts of adrenaline and cortisol present in our bloodstreams. These hormones, typically referred to as stress hormones help prep us for a powerful and quick reaction to the thing that is actually creating stress for us. This reaction also consists of blood being redirected from our organs to the parts of our bodies that require it more at that time. These parts are the limbs, extremities and muscles which we are able to use to either confront our stressor or to run away from the stressor as quickly as possible. This is our instinctive fight or flight response to stimuli.

Fight or Flight

There are moments in our lives when we need to respond quickly to outside stimuli without thinking. This is something innately in us and it stems from a time where there were so many dangers to our existence. If you take our prehistoric ancestors, for example, they used this response to deliver them from any dangerous angry animal that stumbled upon their camp. When the threat passed, their emotions transformed and the higher than normal levels of stress hormones in their bodies reverted to the average levels associated with everyday life. The major point here to note is that any stress response you receive has been designed only to be brief and temporary. The moment our stress hormones kick in, we provide our body with the required chemistry to powerfully and quickly respond to whatever threat we face. A great thing about having extraordinary amounts of stress hormones in our systems is that we develop, albeit temporarily to do extraordinary feats. We become superhuman, we gain extra strength and things that we ordinarily wouldn’t have done become so easy for us to do. If you ask anyone running away from danger if they thought they do what they did to escape on a normal day, most people would say they couldn’t. They were able to do all of this without considering it. It is in these sorts of cases that our innate fight or flight response becomes activated. The feelings of do or die cause a surge of stress hormones to pour into the body and cause you to run faster than you have ever run. Another side of this superhuman gift, however, is the fact that whilst the benefits are amazing and can prove to be of help during a time of crisis, that stress triggered surge effectively clamps down on the release of other essential chemicals which support integral bodily functions. When these vital bodily chemicals are released growth function and immunity are improved, it also helps to reduce the occurrence of anti-aging. Every one of these positive properties are reduced when the stress hormones are triggered due to a fight or flight response. What this is means is that it is only possible for the body to simply be in on mode. It cannot be in more than one at once. It could be said that our bodies and by extension our minds were not meant to live with consistent stressors on a daily basis. However, this happens to be the situation quite a lot of us find ourselves.

Living in a World of Stress

In our present time of data overload, speed qualitative analysis, multiple consecutive double cappuccinos, and also the often-heard sense that life is “speeding up,” it’s inevitable that our bodies will feel that we’re in an exceedingly constant state of unending stress. folks that cannot notice a unharness from this sort of stress notice themselves in sustained fight-or-flight mode, with all of the implications that accompany the territory. a fast shop around associate degree workplace or a room, or maybe a look at our members of the family over Sunday dinner, confirms what the information suggests. It’s not stunning to seek out that folks with the best levels of sustained stress also are within the poorest health. The upsurge in rates for stress linked conditions, such as stroke, heart disease, immune deficiencies, certain forms of cancer and eating disorders in the Us, is no surprise given the amount and likelihood of stress-related activities that numerous individuals face over the course of their daily life. Thankfully, the exact same system that makes and prolongs our stress response, usually on a subconscious level is the same can be regulated in a bid to help relieve stress from our bodies in a manner that is healthy. What is great about this is that this is something we can do intentionally and quickly Just the way our hearts send our brains the signals of chaos when we feel negative emotions, positive emotions send another kind of signal to our brains that is more regular, more rhythmic, and orderly. In the presence of positive emotions, such as appreciation, gratitude, compassion, and caring, the brain releases a very different kind of chemistry into the body.

The Key to Personal Resilience

When we feel a sense of well-being, the level of stress hormones in our bodies decreases, while the life-affirming chemistry of a powerful immune system with anti-ageing properties increases. The shift between the stress response and a feeling of well-being can happen quickly. Our feelings or emotions are a significant part of our inner lives. Our emotions are generally speedy primitive reflexes freelance of our thoughts, however, at different times, our feelings mirror our psychological feature assessment of our current scenario. Our feelings involve each our emotions and our urges to act bound ways that.

The intensity of associate degree feeling isn't such a lot determined by the present scenario because it is by the number of actual or expected amendment. Thus, the spider seen fifteen feet away isn't as scary as an oversized one suddenly solely half dozen inches away. Since emotions appear to be designed naturally to assist us to adapt --to solve a problem--we tend to urge "used to" positive conditions (a romantic, giving spouse) however our fears and hostilities continue on and on disconcerting and urging us to "do one thing." As it has been observed that the human mind was apparently not created for happiness, except for survival. Happiness is feasible; however, it should take intentional thought associate degreed effort; it's not forever an automatic method. But anger, grief, insecurity, and jealousy are automatic, generally even unstoppable. The desire to get rid of serious emotional hurts from our life will become thus primary that our robust feelings over-ride reason, shut our minds to different viewpoints, and dominate our actions. Suicide may be a way to escape pain and hurts. Likewise, the angered ex-spouse will consider something else, never any explanations for the previous spouse's wrongdoings. The badness of the adult becomes associate degree obsession, associate degree unshakeable conviction which is able to usually last forever, despite different peoples' opinions. This resolved read may be a characteristic of emotions: the fearful flyer can't take into account the high chance of his/her flight incoming safely; the jealous person is totally bound the lover is fascinated by somebody else; the insecure better half feels certain his/her partner does not extremely take care of him/her. Yet, there generally looks to be thought of as the probable consequences at some semi-conscious level as a result of the fearful rider sometimes does not get off the plane and that we do not forever now dump the "unfaithful" lover or "indifferent" better half. Indeed, several "healthy" individuals tend to distort their read of a scenario in such how that their negative feelings and dangers are reduced and/or their positive feelings are maximized. As luck would have it, beneath favorable conditions, there are reasons that will facilitate us to see different possibilities, see the possible long-run consequences of associate degree action, see the implications of a code of ethics, etc. Reason (cognition) will modify the impulsive actions of the additional stiffly mechanistic emotions. One among the important points is that emotions, still as behavior and reason, are lawful and comprehendible (but not logical). The additional you recognize regarding those laws, the higher your possibilities of dominant your unwanted emotions.

Chapter 2: How to Handle Your Emotions in Relationships

You may be aware of certain situations that cause you to feel more negative emotions than positive ones. You may be aware of a certain circumstance under which it seems like, no matter how hard you try, you can’t keep yourself from feeling negatively in it. Here are some steps you can utilize to help you to take control.

Identify What Emotions are Unwanted

Think about the emotions you wish to avoid the most. Think about how it makes you feel afterward, to know that you weren’t able to control that impulse at that moment. 

Narrowing this down might take some time, but that’s okay. Putting a lot of thought into this is a good way to make sure you’re on the right track and pinpointing the right emotions to address. 

This could be done by taking a pen and paper and thinking about the emotions that you experience the most loudly. Are there any emotions that cause you to have outbursts? Have you had any outbursts of emotion that you came to regret? What emotions were those? 

If you’re unable to pinpoint what emotion it was, think about the situation and try to remember how it made you feel. Use the pen and paper and do your best to put those feelings into words. 

If you’re having trouble putting those feelings into words, a good strategy is to pretend like you’re telling a five-year-old about it. Break it down to its most basic, simple terms, and move up from there. 

Pick the Changes

Now that you’ve pinpointed what emotional responses you would like to change, it’s time to identify the situations that cause those emotional responses. What was happening directly before the outburst occurred? 

Being able to see what stimuli brought on what emotional states and responses are the keys to the steps below. The very basic principle behind managing your emotions is “Cause & Effect.” 

If you know that you’ve had an outburst or a period of negative emotion every time you’re stuck in traffic, you have a living example of the principle above. The cause: traffic. The effect: outburst or period of negative emotion. 

Noting cause and effect is a very scientific approach to a problem that can provide the path to figuring out what the deeper roots of the cause are, as well as the key to neutralizing or lessening the effect that cause can have on you and on your life. 

Now that you’ve been able to isolate the situations, stimuli, or “triggers,” for these occurrences, what is the next step? 

Make Modifications

The next step is to make modifications to those situations so they have less of an impact on you. By nature, when certain stimuli are recognized, their power over us begins to shrink. 

So let’s run with the example presented above. You know that traffic causes you to have unreasonable outbursts and you would like to change that. How can you make changes to such a situation? Surely you can’t shift traffic patterns so they aren’t an issue. What you can do is modify the way that traffic affects your day. 

Listen to music that calms you down, take a less traffic-heavy route if at all possible, leave about 15-20 minutes earlier each day so you have extra time when traffic slows down your commute in the morning, see if there’s a carpool you can join so you don’t need to navigate the traffic yourself or take public transit, or have less caffeine before your commute so you’re not as easily agitated. 

Regardless of the situation, there are solutions available. It may take some creativity, but in most cases, you will find that you’re able to make changes that make all the difference in how you’re able to respond to situations. 

We may not be able to change the things that we’re dealing with in some areas of our lives, but we have control over how we respond to it. That’s a big responsibility in some cases. 

So how else can we make positive changes to situations with a negative emotional impact? 

Shift Your Focus

Shifting your focus to be centered more on the things that you would like to accomplish is a huge step in the right direction. 

Going back to our example of being in traffic, your focus is generally on what is right in front of you. That wisenheimer in front of you who doesn’t seem to think turn signals are a necessary part of the lane-changing process and this other guy on your left seems to think the boundaries of each lane are merely a suggestion. You need to have your wits about you when you’re in traffic, or accidents can happen. 

This doesn’t mean, however, that your focus can’t be on your overall goal. What are you usually trying to do when you get into traffic? You’re usually trying to get where you’re going, which can cause stress in itself. So where should you put your focus? Try to put your focus on something that doesn’t inspire a sense of urgency, but a sense of positive determination. 

What kinds of things does that leave you? Maybe there’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish financially by going to work every day; that’s a great place to focus. It’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish and actively working toward since you’re on your way to work, but there’s no sense of urgency about getting there right away. 

If you’ve got your calming music on the radio, you’re running early for work, you’re not hopped up on caffeine, and you’re thinking about that goal you’re working toward. Who could be mad while doing that!

There is an adage that comes to mind in this situation as well. “Energy flows where attention goes.” If you’re paying attention to a goal and working toward it with purpose, you’re more likely to achieve it and to make steady progress over time. How is that for hitting two targets with one arrow? 

Change Your Thought Process 

The next step is to change the way you think about the situations that cause those recurrent negative emotions. This one is, like a lot of things in this book, easier said than done. 

If you’re dreading getting into traffic every day, you are already entering the situation with a negative mindset and emotion. Going into something in that mindset is basically a guarantee that you will get “proven right,” for being mad, as things to be mad about will inevitably cross your path. 

If you’re looking for a reason to be upset, you will always find one! 

So how should we go about changing the mindset on our example? “How is it even possible to feel positive about traffic?” Well, let’s take a look, shall we? 

What is your new focus when we’re getting into traffic? Your new focus is that financial goal and you’re working toward it with purpose. So when you get into your car in the morning and your focus is on that goal, your mindset should be one that’s positive. 

Now, to be clear, this doesn’t mean that it’s unnatural to be mad in traffic if you get cut off or if someone pulls some maneuver out of an Evel Knievel stunt. It just means that you shouldn’t take that one guy’s ridiculous driving as a license to hop out of your car and start a fight or to even let it ruin your morning. 

Take Action

When these situations that “set you off,” present themselves, it’s important to make a conscious effort to chance those seemingly automatic responses. The next time something makes you angry to that point, realize it is happening, stop for a moment and think about whether it’s worth it to have that outburst over this situation.

Chapter 3: Methods for Mastering Your Emotions

Understanding your emotions--behavior, feelings, physiology, and thoughts--will assist you set up ways that to vary them. First, do not forget that strategies that specialize in the behavior of changing the surroundings can even cut back on unpleasant emotion, e.g. cut back your worry by golf stroke higher locks on the doors or by avoiding somebody you're mad at. Fears can even be reduced by modeling somebody World Health Organization is a smaller amount afraid than you are. You will develop different behaviors which will counteract the unwanted emotions, e.g. activity counteracts depression, assertion counteracts anger, facing the worry counteracts it, relaxation counteracts the disorder of the compulsive, etc. Contrary to the notion that "time heals," there's proof that fears, grief, memory of a trauma, etc. do not simply dissolve. These feeling do decline if we tend to repeatedly expose ourselves to the disconcerting situation or memory over and all over again whereas relaxed or beneath less stressful conditions (yet, changing into terribly agitated whereas reproof friends regarding the "awful" scenario does not sometimes help). However, changing the results of a behavior will alter emotions conjointly, e.g. ask your friends to praise your healthy self-assertiveness and challenge your mousy conformity. Second, do not forget that our thoughts powerfully influence our emotions. And, since we are able to generally amendment our thoughts and since scientific discipline is during a "cognitive" era, there's nice stress on cognitive strategies at now. 

The strategies here alter basic raw emotions: anxiety or fears, anger, and unhappiness. Of course, these same strategies are used on the emotional half (level II) of the other drawback. Passive-dependent problems tend to be handled with cognitive-behavioral strategies and new skills. Emotions are an important part of our lives and that they are fascinating. Several recent books can assist you to perceive. A case can be made for how emotions are aroused and their effects, including the impact on our health. It can be argued that we amplify educational ratio and neglect emotional ratio (knowing and handling our gut feelings and impulses, self-motivation, people skills). You would possibly gain more insight into your feelings from many other books

Relaxation Training

Being able to relax whenever you want is a wonderful skill to have.  Majority of people can learn to do so. There are many numerous methods but they all have quite a lot in common. No one relaxation technique is best for everyone. There are numerous bits of evidence that provide a reason to believe that there are so many practical, detailed guidelines to many relaxation exercises. Your first task, then, is to find a method that suitably works well for you. Three methods will be described here: (1) deep muscle relaxation, (2) recorded relaxation instructions, and (3).

After learning a good method for you, the major problem is taking the time to relax when you need to. Be sure to see desensitization and meditation later.

Purposes

• To overcome feelings such as anxiety and reduce tension

• To aid other purposes, such as concentrating and increasing

• learning efficiency, overcoming insomnia and improving sleep, and improving one's general health.

• To counteract panic reactions and to counteract the constant activity of a workaholic or social addict

• To counter-condition fears and phobic reactions, as in desensitization (method #6).

Steps

STEP ONE: Select a relaxation method to try; decide how to give you the instructions. Consider these three ways of relaxing and pick one to try:

1. Deep-muscle relaxation is easy to learn. It is a simple routine: first tense the muscles, and then relax them. This procedure is used with many small muscle groups all over the body. Most of the anxiety and tension you feel is in your muscles. So, by focusing on relaxing your muscles, you can calm and comfort your entire body (and mind) by excluding distressing thoughts (since you are concentrating on groups of muscles). This method is based on the simple principle that muscles relax after being tensed, especially if suggestions to relax are also being given. So, the mind and body can be calmed by starting with the muscles. The detailed steps are given below.

2. There are a large number of commercial cassettes that provide relaxation instructions. Usually, it is better to make your own tape. In this case, you start with the mind and send relaxing messages to the muscles.

3. Meditation can be used as a relaxation procedure. The idea is to free the mind from external stimulation, which slows physiological functions and reduces muscle tension...and that reduces impulses to the brain...and so on in a beneficial cycle. Like meditation, the calming effects of all these methods last beyond the time doing relaxation.

STEP TWO: Learn how to do the relaxation method you have chosen. Below are detailed instructions for the three relaxation methods:

1. Deep-muscle relaxation involves focusing on a small group of muscles at a time, e.g. "make a fist" or "make a muscle in both arms." With each set of muscles, you go through the same three-step procedure:

a. Tense the muscles. Notice each muscle. Tighten the muscles until they strain but not hurt. The muscles may tremble which is okay but be careful with your feet and other muscles that tend to cramp. It does not need to be rigorous exercise. Hold the muscles tense for 5 to 10 seconds.

b. Suddenly, say relax to you and let the muscles relax completely.

c. Focus your attention on the marked change in the muscles from when they are tense to when they are relaxed. Enjoy the pleasure and relief that comes with relaxation. Give yourself instructions to relax more and more, to feel more and more comfortable all over. In this way, you replace muscle tension with soothing relaxation all over your body. At first, this three-step procedure may need to be repeated two or three times for each set of muscles. With practice, however, you can relax in a few minutes. Use groups of muscles something like the following (don't get overly precise about this, any group of muscles will do fine): Arms Hands and forearms--"make a tight fist" and bend it down towards the elbow. Start with one arm, move to both arms. Biceps--"make a muscle." Both arms. Triceps--stretch the arm out straight, tensing the muscle in the back of the arm. Both arms. Upper body Forehead--raise eyebrows and "wrinkle forehead Eyes--close eyes tightly (careful if wearing contacts)

STEP THREE: Arrange a private place and schedule a specific time for relaxing. A private place is crucial: a bedroom, a private office at work, even a bathroom might be the best place. You should take 10-15 minutes twice a day. Ideally, it should be a comfortable place with no interruptions. A bed or a chair with arms and a high, soft back is good (as long as you don't go to sleep). Many people get sleepy if they meditate after a meal. Drown out distracting noise with a neutral sound: a fan, air conditioner, or soft instrumental music. Turning off the lights helps. Perhaps you had better tell your roommate, co-workers, family, etc., what you are doing, if there is any chance, they will walk into the room.

STEP FOUR: Relaxing on command Most people can relax easily in comfortable, familiar, quiet surroundings. But that isn't where we have the stress. It is harder to relax when called on to speak to a group or when taking a test. What can you do then? One possibility: pair a silently spoken word, like "relax," with actually relaxing. Do this thousands of times, as in the relaxation exercises above or by mentally thinking "relax" as you exhale. In this way, the internal command--"relax"--becomes not only a self-instruction but also a conditioned stimulus, an automatic prompter of a relaxation response (like a cigarette,). So, when you get uptight, you can silently say "relax" and feel better. It is no cure all but it helps.

STEP FIVE: Relaxation--a routine or as needed many people would say that relaxation should be practiced faithfully twice a day, seven days a week. That is certainly necessary if you hope to establish a more relaxed level of physiological functioning on a continuous basis. Other people use a relaxation technique anytime they have a few minutes to rest. Still, others use relaxation only when tension is getting excessive and/or they need to slow down, such as at bedtime. Any of these uses are fine; however, they all require practice in advance, i.e. you can't wait until a crisis hits and then decide you want instant relaxation. Time Required: It may take 4 or 5 hours to learn the method, practice it, make the recording, or whatever is involved. Thereafter, the technique may be used 15 to 30 minutes a day or only occasionally. Common problems with the method many can't find the time to relax twice a day, especially the people who need it the most. Although 10 to 15% of students are reluctant to try a relaxation technique in class, almost everyone can become deeply relaxed with practice. A few people fall asleep while relaxing. If you do, you may need to set an alarm.

Effectiveness, advantages and dangers:

All the above methods, if used faithfully, seem to be effective during the relaxation session. Some research has suggested that meditation works a little better than the other methods, at least for reducing general anxiety. How much the relaxation continues beyond the session is questionable, however, regardless of the method used. Seeking calm in a storm is a difficult task. In many of us, the stress reaction is just too strong to be easily overridden; we may need to withdraw from the stressful situation for a while. One would think that relaxing would be the safest thing in the world for a self-helper to do. It probably is, but several therapists have reported panic attacks in patients when relaxation is tried in therapy. This negative reaction has been observed primarily in persons suffering from very high anxiety. For most people, this shouldn't be a concern. In a class setting, I have found that 5- 10% of the students do not fully participate in a relaxing exercise in class. Some don't like closing their eyes; others are reluctant to publicly "make a muscle," "suck in your stomach," "arch your back" (thus, throwing out your chest), etc.

However, almost everyone can learn to relax. Imaging relaxing visual scenes (a warm sunny day on the beach) works best for some people; repeating calming sayings and self-instructions works better for others; sitting in a warm bath reading a magazine works wonderfully for some. Moods by suggestion: calm scene, relaxation, elation In the Western world we are preoccupied with the external world-- the world of work or TV or interpersonal relations. In Eastern cultures they are more concerned with the inner world--fantasy and thoughts. They use meditation and seek an inner serenity, partly as a way of coping with harsh external realities and partly for the benefits an inner life offers. There is a stigma against daydreaming in our culture. It can be a way of avoiding reality or a way of rehearsing for the future. Fortunately, there is a connection between thoughts and feelings, so emotions can be influenced via fantasies. Harry Truman said, "I have a foxhole in my mind," meaning he had a place in his mind where he could escape the explosive issues bombarding him from the external world. Purpose to supply a desired feeling or mood: relaxation, elation, nostalgia, larger awareness and concentration, and increased motivation.

STEP ONE: Prepare the directions for no matter feelings you want to supply four ways of adjusting feelings are illustrated below: (1) a relaxed scene, (2) self-monitoring for relaxation, (3) positive affirmation statements for a positive noesis, and (4) elation and expanded consciousness. A calm scene. All folks have recollections of being somewhere and feeling carefree, calm and happy. Imagining such a relaxed or pleasant moment in your life will arouse calm or happy feelings. For relaxation, it ought to be a scene within which you're inactive (it's arduous to relax whereas thinking of climb a mountain or swimming a river). Examples: lying in the heat sun on a beach or a ship, resting ahead of a hearth and look the flames, walking leisurely in a very wood on a stunning fall day, sitting on a mountain prime and looking out at the luxurious, peaceful valley below, or sitting in your space, looking the window and resting, simply look the planet fade. Choose cosy, peaceful, pleasant scene that has special which means for you.

My calm scene is walking alone by a little stream that wind through a hayfield ahead of my childhood home. I bear in mind minute details: the clearness of the spring-fed water, the softness of the grass, the rolling hills, the heat of the sun, the minnows and water spiders, the large sycamore trees, building a dam with a crony, mud crawling, dreaming regarding the long run, being alone however not lonely, perhaps as a result of the beckoning heat of my house close. Self-monitoring. It’s straightforward. Use the senses of the body as a biofeedback machine. Sit down or lie. Get relaxed and shut your eyes. Concentrate to each sensation, everything that goes on in your body. Don't try and perceive or make a case for what's happening, just observe. categorical in words what's happening. Scan the body and report everything you notice. associate degree example: Eye lids grow heavier, shoulders slump and back bends, respiration deep, abdomen growls, throat swallows, ringing in ears, muscles in face appear quiet and heavy, etc. This is associate degree previous technique. it's sensible for general nervousness. Somehow the nerve-wracking sensations decline and peace follows. Positive affirmations. many folks believe that imagining doing something well will increase actual ability and certainty. therefore, athletes imagine touch a home run, different imagine an executive dive, a speaker imagines a superb delivery.

Supposedly, the brain doesn't recognize the distinction between a true expertise associate degreed an imagined one. So, your vanity grows. Likewise, if you say, with feeling, positive things to yourself, a positive noesis can develop. Image in your mind precisely what you wish to try to or be. Feel positive and assured as you imagine the specified behavior. The statements ought to be recurrent many times every session and during three or four sessions every day. samples of positive affirmations (notice they describe within the present what you may be doing -- "I am calm" or "slim," not "I need to be calm" nor "I am not tense" or "I am not fat"): For a much better self-concept and positive mental attitude --  • daily in each manner, I’m convalescing and better. • I succeed as a result of I feel I will. • I’m stuffed with caring kindness. • I’m happy and content. To encourage some achievement-- • I’m happy with my body (visualize however you may check out your ideal weight). • I’m a superb student; I really like to find out. • I will hoodwink and undo well. To relax and be healthy-- • I’m healthy, happy and relaxed. • Pain free, happy me. To reduce worry-- • forget the past and therefore the future-- I'm within the here and currently. • I settle for any challenge; I will handle it. Expanded consciousness. This fantasy methodology was meant to create increased awareness, larger concentration, better problem-solving ability, and feelings of competency. Have a retardant in mind to figure on before you begin the exercise.  It's not a decent fantasy for folks with a worry of heights or of flying. you will have the experience additional absolutely if all you have got to try to is listen, therefore record these abbreviated instructions: "Get comfy and shut your eyes. Imagine you're within the gondola of an outsized hot air balloon. You resting and look what is happening with interest. Let your imagination go free, have vivid images of the items I counsel to you. it's a stunning day. The balloon is filling. See the hayfield around you. You have got nothing to try to however relax and skill the fun of the ride. The balloon is sort of full. Before long, you may start up and as you go higher, your awareness and concentration and thinking also will become higher. I'm reaching to count from one to ten. With every count the balloon can go higher and your mind will expand larger till it's ready to bear in mind of everything. You may become far more responsive to reality and have a larger appreciation of truth and sweetness.

Now, the balloon gently and quietly takes to the air, I begin to count and your consciousness starts to expand.

1. As you float higher, you may have a brand-new experience...pleasant, exciting feelings of increased awareness and sensitivity.

2. a bit higher. You’re getting into a better level of consciousness. You’re comfy. You’re feeling sensible regarding using your full brain.

3. You relish the quiet, swish ride, the superb read, the excitement.

4. You vary of awareness is regularly increasing. Your perception is keener. Your attention and concentration are even more below your management.

5. Rising higher and better.

Your confidence will increase and you feel higher and better.

6. Your consciousness will increase however your awareness isn't overloaded. You’re feeling joy as your senses reach their highest level.

7. Your expertise a unleash, a brand-new freedom as your intuitive and intellectual potentials reach their peak. As you go still higher, your heightened talents can change you to check causes and relationships you never accomplished before.

8. You’re terribly high currently. Before long, you may enter a brand-new dimension, wherever your insight is very keen and innovative.

9. All the far to the sting of house. You able to experience and concentrate and reason higher than ever before. Ten currently you're at the highest. Your talents, awareness and understanding are able to disclose new which means and new solutions. You’re desperate to use these skills to unravel your concerns. Take as long as you wish. As you specialize in real problems, take time to grasp the causes. Don't skip or run off from any cause--consider it rigorously. are you able to see things otherwise now? Are you able to discover new feelings you had not been responsive to before? Are you able to perceive the sentiments of others better? Next, take time to create new and higher solutions to your problems.

Imagine however every course of action may compute. Consider uncommon solutions and combos of solutions. Decide on the best approach. If different insights return to you, settle for them however goes back to determination the most downside. Now, close up the electronic equipment till you're able to 'come down' and awaken. Start tape once more after you are able to stop: "OK, we have a tendency to be able to descend. I will count from ten to one. When I get to one you may be back in a very traditional, everyday state of consciousness. You will feel sensible and rested and grateful for the special time to think. You may bear in mind everything that went on and every one your insights.

10. Getting down to drift downward and back to a standard state of awareness.

Coming back down. You may bear in mind everything.

Gently floating down. You’re feeling terrific.

Enjoying the expertise. Continued down. Down. At the count of one your eyes can open. You see the bottom slowly approaching. Before long, you will be back relaxed and rested. Virtually down. A rush like hayfield below. it will be a delicate landing. You’re feeling nice. You’re down. Open your eyes. You’re feeling terrific."

STEP TWO: notice a quiet place and obtain ready Use a quiet, comfortable, personal place, sort of a bedchamber. Make your recording if required. Place the player close to your hand therefore you will simply turn it on and off.

STEP THREE: Have the fantasy as vividly as potential Have the expertise. Get into it as deeply as possible; have detailed and vivid imagination, victimization all of your senses, and place your feelings into it. it's going to be useful to record every expertise and compare your reactions over time. Preparation time might take from quarter-hour to associate degree hour. However, most of those mood-altering exercises should be recurrent for 10-15 minutes, 2 or additional times each day to be effective. Common issues with the ways in general, they promise an excessive amount of, particularly distended consciousness. Take a "try-it-and-see" perspective. Another downside is that some folks have poor visualization talents. If you don't visualize well, strive another modality, i.e. have your fantasies additional in words and feelings. Through follow you will develop an additional vivid fantasy. Effectiveness, advantages and dangers:  Fantasies do generate feelings. There are few experiments during this area however several clinical reports of distress brought on by unpleasant memories and thoughts concerning doable disasters. Some actors produce tears by thinking of a tragic event. it's cheap that positive emotions are often created within the same method. As mentioned earlier, some individuals are reluctant to relax or shut their eyes in school. The advantage is that these ways are easy, easy, and done on your own. There are not any known dangers. How to be happy—determinism Many people would say, "I simply wish to be happy." it's a worthy goal however few individuals who are shrewd enough to seek out happiness do so. Some would say they want to own an honest education and a remarkable career. Others would say they require a in love domestic partner and a pleasant family. Others desire a career, a family, physiological state, smart friends, a pleasant house, 2 sharp cars, good relationships with each family, associated enough cash to require an extended vacation every year and to be comfy. What would you say you wish to be happy? In our culture, nearly everybody encompasses a list of wants or wants. We want pleasures--good appearance, an honest relationship, friendships, fun experiences, etc., etc. we wish possessions--a smart sound system, a jazzy automobile, nice garments, etc., etc. we have a tendency to all would like some pleasure in life. But the matter is after we begin to believe that pleasures and possessions are the thanks to be happy. Once we start to think that method, we have a tendency to begin to mention "if I simply had _ (an education, a boyfriend, a good job, a contented wedding, enough cash to retire, a good relationship with my family...) _, I'd be happy."

Our achievements and acquisitions became the supply of our happiness. we have a tendency to are presently in trouble: we don't get all that we want; we always wish a lot of; not matter what proportion we have got. Recent pleasures lose their thrill; possessions quickly become associate recent inferior model. There is always one thing excitingly newer, better, faster, bigger, and more expensive. Once you say "I would like visited be happy," you have got created a self-destructive mind game. Happiness can't be supported having possessions; cars break down, homes deteriorate, garments quickly go out of fashion, etc.

Finding Happiness

Happiness can't be supported pleasures; marriages fall apart, friends alienate, power fades, intake and drinking build us fat, etc. OK, what will happiness are primarily based on? Associate acceptive frame of mind; a tolerance of no matter is as a result of whatever is, is right.  Whatever happens in life is lawful. It takes time to know this viewpoint. Consider it fastidiously. A belief in philosophical theory isn't a helpless-hopeless position; it's not being while not goals, preferences, opinions, or values. In fact, it is important to own a revered mission in life and to have high values; they are nice sources of enjoyment. It’s necessary that you just use the laws of behavior to try to your best, that you just facilitate others, which you try to build the planet higher.

However, when you have got done your best, you must settle for the result, despite what it is. Do your best while at work or in a great relationship, however settle for being fired or rejected, if that's what happens. settle for reality. Unconditional positive regard of others and of yourself may be a major consider finding happiness. Other factors contributory to happiness embody learning to own some influence over your world, to be ready to build your state of affairs better, and to own confidence in your self-control. To become happy, it is necessary to be ready to handle sad feelings once they return along. You can't be happy and sad (or angry) at the same time concerning an equivalent specific issue. You can, of course, be happy concerning bound aspects of a difficulty and sad about different aspects. This section helps to build the purpose that the event of a particular emotion, like happiness, is usually terribly complex and involves several aid ways. Obviously, all the methods for reducing depression would possibly apply to generating happiness, but happiness is far over the absence of disappointment. You see the point. (If you're thinking that this methodology is extremely psychological feature, I agree that it's closely associated with the ways in.

Purposes• to know a way to accomplish happiness. • To avoid futile tries to realize happiness via pleasures, possessions, or indifferent and freewheeling behaviours.

Steps

STEP ONE:  learn to just accept reality and therefore the quality of life. This is not a simple task. It takes time to shake off our consumption ("Give me") orientation towards happiness. There is a special analogy: Suppose you lived one thousand years past and were asked if you'd prefer to board 2020 with heat homes, cars, aeroplanes, TV, free education, smart medical aid, etc. Of course, if you were living in one thousand A.D. in an exceedingly dirt-floored hut, with very little education, with many kids dying from diseases, with starvation all over, and with no amusement, etc., you'd suppose 2020 would be fantastic. You would assume that everybody in 2020 would be joyfully happy! But all of our benefits, knowledge, possessions and pleasures have not created the country happy. Hopefully, in 3000, we will grasp far more about being productive, moral, and happy.

You will be able to begin creating realistic plans for dynamical some things you don't like, however, settle for and "understand" the method things are. Most importantly, this acceptive, tolerant perspective reduces rancour and frustration with others and together with yourself. This is known as its "unconditional positive regard. “

STEP TWO: Learn to own some management over your life. Even if you're well cared for at this point, nobody is often entirely comfortable realizing that they're unable to support themselves, should the necessity arise. a private or social downside is usually possible; the one who feels unable to address freelance survival should feel uneasy. Learning a lot of concerning handling normal problems for individuals such as you provide a basis for bigger happiness. Self-help reading ought to facilitate.

STEP THREE: Work on reducing the emotions, largely disappointment and anger, that are incompatible jubilantly. Of the four major emotions, depression and anger are the foremost inconsistent jubilantly. they need to be unbroken at a reasonably low level.  the opposite emotions aren't as crucial, i.e. we are able to be moderately stressed and still be happy; we have a tendency to can be quite passive-dependent and be happy.

STEP FOUR: There must be some pleasures in each life. The pleasures could also be few and straightforward, however, we'd like some. There are actually an infinite range of linked choices. Develop some, if you don't have any. But, keep it absolutely clear in your mind that these pleasures are not the supply of happiness in your life. If a pleasure becomes unavailable, you will be able to notice another.

STEP FIVE: Your life ought to have a purpose, it ought to have important assuming to you. As chapter three within the starting of this book argues, we have a tendency to all would like a philosophy of life that we have a tendency to are pleased with and willing to follow day by day. Finding happiness may be a major enterprise taking several, many hours, perhaps years. the hassle is really never-ending, as a result of most lives experience a series of nice losses that aren't simply accepted, e.g. death, failure, mental disease, etc. Common issues My expertise is that folks resist the settled notion.

The American belief that there's a fast answer to each downside is extremely strong. It transforms into the concept that we have a tendency to don't need to tolerate anything we have a tendency to don't like, we are able to simply get eliminate the matter. Thus, the idea that we should always settle for our circumstances-of-the-moment becomes viewed as a weak, incompetent, fatalistic position. however, the reality is that many of life's downers are unavoidable--and irreversible once they have happened. unhappy events are inevitable. So, in these instances, we have solely 2 choices: settle for it as lawful or hate what went on. In no way, ought to philosophical theory result in a fatalistic, hopeless read of tomorrow, however. Effectiveness, benefits and dangers Seeking to be happy is such a fancy method that science is decades aloof from objectively assessing the effectiveness of all the steps concerned. Being happy may be a worthy goal (if it involves facing life as it very is), however. Shared experiences and science can help facilitate this. I don't grasp any dangers from attempting to be happy, as long as we have a tendency to face reality and are accountable.

Effectiveness, benefits and danger

The method is as recent as recorded history; thus, it's withstood the test of your time. It conjointly illustrates the human tendency to avoid testing the effectiveness of mystical processes. Recently, there are a lot of scientific studies. In general, the mixture of meditation, the accompanying philosophy, and therefore the suggestion-placebo effects look to yield these results: relaxation, higher self-control and self-evaluation on, a lot of confidence in self-control, reduction ("desensitization") of scary concepts and issues, and bigger awareness of internal and external stimuli. However, the effectiveness of meditation was compared with easy resting, there were no important differences found. Subjects relaxed (as measured in many ways) equally well mistreatment meditation or relaxation. what is more, fully-fledged meditators became just as physiologically aroused in nerve-racking events as did nonmeditators. that's not stunning, except that meditators would love to believe their methodology is best. there's no magic methodology.

Meditation’s long association and similarity with faith makes it just as exhausting to gauge as faith. the assumption that meditation provides a sense of identity and communion with everything within the universe is based on the beliefs and testimony of legion Hindus and Buddhists and different practitioners. however, does one challenge that? maybe, the inner peace and tolerance of all things, claimed by such a large amount of from meditation, can be scientifically incontestable eventually. (On the opposite hand, the value of tolerance, once it's tolerance of mental object, injustice and problems, must be questioned.) We, as a society, ought to demand more exhausting proof from our soft sciences. Like faith, the promise of most is each meditation's strength and its weakness. Simply don't expect it to cure physical diseases or offer long-distance messages. These are often higher accomplished by fashionable medication and a telephone.

Chapter 4: Embracing Our Feelings

Feeling an Emotion

In order to change the difficult behaviors that occur when we are emotionally reactive it is necessary to replace them with new and more functional behaviors. This may result in an increased awareness of our feelings. Habitual behaviors serve to take our attention away from underlying feelings that seem overwhelming.  When these behaviors stop, the smoke clears and the underlying feelings become more apparent to us.

To handle the feeling component of an emotion, take the opposite approach. Instead of stopping the feeling, allow it. Instead of changing the feeling to something more positive, embrace it as it is.

The healthy response to feeling is to not change it, move away from it, or distract attention from it. Instead, embrace the feeling with awareness. Feeling is a natural response of our bodies to a situation, or at least to how we perceive that situation. Problems that we have with our emotions lie in distorted perceptions, not in feelings. Feelings demand to be fully felt.  If we push the feeling away, we replace it with numbness and repression or with self-destructive actions that distract from feelings. Avoidance of feelings is the source of painful symptoms and defenses. This is why it is so important to embrace feelings, even when we are being emotionally reactive.

Many people run away when confronted with uncomfortable feelings. They are unpleasant; they seem negative. To embrace them is like doing a 180-degree turn. Why embrace unpleasant feelings--like the feelings that accompany emotional reactivity? It is important to understand that they are not destructive. Rather, the behaviors that are used to avoid these feelings are the destructive element. For instance, a person may feel sadness over the loss of a friend, and instead of feeling the sadness will drown his sorrows in drink. In this scenario, drinking is destructive. Embracing the feelings of grief, however, will eventually lead to their transformation.

Over the course of a lifetime we develop numerous, unconscious methods to avoid painful feelings. By embracing our feelings, the compulsion to act these strategies out is short-circuited, and we take the wind out of the sails of defensiveness. If one’s tendency is to avoid feelings of hurt by becoming angry, once that hurt is embraced and allowed, then the strategy of avoiding hurt by getting angry has no more purpose.  The underlying pain and hurt is faced and transformed.

Painful feelings often become associated with painful events. We believe that if we allow the feelings to arise, we will be vulnerable and hurt again.  But the feelings we experience now are not those of past experiences. They are merely changes in our physiology and are not necessarily harmful. What is harmful is running away from our feelings. By embracing painful feelings instead of pushing them away, we can heal.

A feeling is made up of sensations in our bodies as nerve cells become activated. Blood flow changes, adrenaline increases and other chemical changes occur when we are emotional. Feeling is the awareness of these many sensations being stimulated, along with an evaluation of pleasantness, unpleasantness or neutrality. Negative feelings in themselves cannot be horrible or overwhelming, only unpleasant. The true negativity resides in our beliefs and thoughts about them. Understanding this can be a powerful reminder that feelings are okay and are not monsters to be avoided.

Learning to Soothe Ourselves

One analogy we can use is to compare our emotions to the responses of an infant, because infants are highly emotional and have not yet developed the defenses or intellects of adults. They are very sensitive on a feeling level. When an infant is upset and runs to her mother, the mother needs only to hold the infant and attend to her to calm the high emotional arousal of the infant. Being held by a loving caregiver creates a situation in which the original emotion changes, sometimes to its opposite. The child may be laughing and smiling within a few minutes. Feelings require similar attention. We need to soothe ourselves by holding the feeling and staying with it until it changes - until we feel soothed and calmed down.

The ability to soothe ourselves emotionally is a principal skill in mastering emotions. We learn this from our caregivers when we are infants. Those unable to soothe themselves may experience distressing emotions for longer periods of time. Often dysfunctional behaviors serve as distractions from these uncomfortable feeling states. By learning to embrace the feeling component of our emotions and to soothe ourselves, the impetus for these negative behaviors decreases dramatically. The troublesome behaviors may remain as a habit, but the compulsion to act them out loses much of its power.

It is of primary importance that we change our view of our emotions. We need to stop trying to change them or avoid them, instead, let them come to full awareness. If we can make this discovery — that feelings are our friends and have important information for us — we can build the necessary skills to master our emotions and our reactivity.

  Steps for Embracing Our Feelings

Move your attention to the feeling rather than away from it.

Bring your awareness fully to the feeling without backing away or getting distracted.  Stay with the feeling.

Explore the feeling. What does it feel like? Are there images that occur to you as you explore the feeling? Note the images but keep your attention on the feeling.

Notice the specific parts of your body that are affected by the feeling. Where in your body are you feeling this? See if you can break the feeling down into its component parts. Notice what specific sensations are in your body.

Let your breathing relax. Take a deep breath. As you do this, imagine that you are breathing directly into the area where you are feeling the emotion.

Be aware if the feeling changes, and notice its energetic quality. Whether the feeling is anger or sadness, it is just energy. Stay with the feeling and see what changes take place.

This exercise should be soothing. If it is not, there may be some fears or memories holding this feeling in place and not allowing it to move.

By staying with the feeling and experiencing it in our bodies, we contain it and own it. It does not own us. Knowing that feelings are sensations in our bodies allows us to form a container around them. Awareness is the container that surrounds the emotion and it is larger than the emotion. Awareness contains everything that we are experiencing in the moment: sights, sounds, thoughts, sensations in our bodies. We may be feeling extreme anger in every cell of our bodies, yet our awareness is greater. We can see the trees and the sky, and they have nothing to do with our anger. Instead of seeing anger as a force that sweeps us away, reduce the anger to its true size. Notice how the emotion appears in your body whenever a strong emotion occurs.

As we learn to embrace and experience feeling, a significant transformation takes place--the feelings change. Our feelings have one basic need — to be felt. When we receive this message, it fulfills its task. The feeling may then move to calmness or some other more positive emotion as long as there is no distorted thinking to support its continuance.

Another thing that takes place as we embrace feeling is a change in our deep belief structure. Negative beliefs about experiencing intense feelings fade. We realize that we have embraced the most intense feelings, yet nothing horrible has happened to us, and this helps us break the deep associative ties between these feelings and previous experiences of abuse and distress. We learn that by feeling the feelings, we may soothe ourselves and calm ourselves down. Embracing our feelings now leads to a positive and healing outcome. This is a key method of healing faulty emotional learning that occurs during abusive situations and comes to the surface when we are emotionally reactive.

Numbness and Embracing Feelings

As cited earlier, there are three basic ways of expressing emotional reactivity--through conflict, caretaking and avoidance. All three of these methods avoid feelings to some extent. Let’s explore how avoiders can come into greater contact with their emotions.

The avoidant style can be so pervasive for some that it becomes part of their personality style. Because it is difficult for them to experience strong emotions, they avoid them altogether and rarely allow themselves to feel. It may appear that they are not emotionally reactive because they seem calm and peaceful, but this calmness is due to an avoidance of situations that trigger their emotions rather than true peace of mind. They are engaged in a pre-emptive strike; their avoidant behavior itself is their emotional reactivity.

The avoidant person needs to learn to identify avoidant behaviors and to stop them. Awareness of these behaviors is difficult because the rationalizations behind them are so complete. The individual engages in excuse making, judgments and other defense mechanisms not only to justify avoidance, but to disguise it. A person may even get so far away from his emotions that he no longer feels them, even in situations that would typically trigger intense emotions. Some people talk about serious abuse in their childhood as if they were reporting on someone else’s childhood. Sometimes a person may express incongruous behaviors, such as laughing when they describe how they were physically abused as children. This dissociation from one’s feelings occurs in many people who have had overwhelming trauma.

Facing Areas of Discomfort Gradually

To reclaim the emotional territory that he has lost, the avoidant person must develop a risk-taking philosophy for his emotional life. Many people fit the avoidant personality style--they are driven by fear and have high anxiety. For example, Mary had a difficult time standing up for herself. She had a series of bad relationships with men who did not treat her well. When someone asked her out for a date, she was unable to say “no” even though intuitively she knew the person was not good for her. So she always accepted, fearing she would hurt someone’s feelings or cause conflict if she didn’t. After getting involved with someone, she would make excuses to avoid having to break up with him, telling herself that the man had potential, that he would change, that she couldn’t find anyone better. All these excuses occurred so that she did not have to experience conflict or loneliness. 

For decades, behavioral therapists have used a technique called systematic desensitization, or gradual exposure, to help people cope with anxiety and phobias. This set of techniques has proven to be highly effective. Those with anxiety are taught to gradually expose themselves to the situations that cause them fear. Instead of being overwhelmed by facing their fears all at once, they take on their fears a little bit at a time. By facing fears slowly, they don’t become overwhelmed.

Discomfort and distress

An avoidant person lives within a circle of comfort. Everything outside this circle is uncomfortable, and is avoided. Some of the situations outside of the circle may indeed be overwhelming and beyond a person’s present capabilities to handle. For instance, an agoraphobic person may be tired of being limited by her problem, so she decides to go shopping at the mall despite her agoraphobia. She takes this risk, but then has a panic attack and runs back to her circle of comfort — her home — and vows never to do that again. Taking risks that are overwhelming can easily backfire. However, taking small risks works wonders. In the picture below, there is a circle of low risk drawn around the circle of comfort. This outer circle allows growth, but it is not so far outside of the comfort zone to be overwhelming.

By continuously taking small risks outside the circle of comfort, the avoidant person can slowly face the fear and expand the circle of comfort. After a period of time, the circle of comfort may expand to the outer edge of what was the circle of small risks. They then must identify a new circle of small risks to expand their lives and their capabilities even further.

Each time the avoidant person takes a risk, they are brought face-to-face with an emotion they have been avoiding. This creates an opportunity to uncover emotions that were buried. Taking risks creates opportunities to bring up emotions that are difficult to contact any other way. By adopting this strategic risk-taking philosophy, an avoidant person may transform his life and expand its bounds appreciably. Consistent risk-taking can lead to facing psychological fears that have no basis in reality. If these feelings are embraced, then deep emotional healing can take place and can therapeutically transform the person over time.

For instance, Jerry had a difficult time admitting mistakes at work, defending himself even when he was wrong. He decided to confront this issue by taking small risks. He began by admitting mistakes to Al, his friend at work, whom he trusted. He found this uncomfortable at first because he felt shame about not being perfect. But he realized that although the emotion was uncomfortable, it was not overwhelming. This started Jerry on a journey of feeling more comfortable while admitting his mistakes, and led to many positive consequences in his life.

Everyone uses the strategy of avoidance at times to deal with uncomfortable emotions. It is not solely the province of the avoidant personality type. Facing areas of our lives that we avoid by taking consistent small risks is a tool we can all use. Those who are conflict-oriented may be avoiding feelings of vulnerability. A risk for them would be to check their anger, and allow their hidden, more vulnerable feelings to arise, thereby expanding their emotional range.  Caretakers may need to face their fears of abandonment and the fear that arises when they trust that their loved ones can care for themselves. All of us need to take emotional risks; we can do this if we identify our avoidant behaviors and stop avoiding. This will bring us face to face with our unfelt emotions.

Using Fear as a Guide

Fear may be used as a guide to the areas of our lives in which we need to take risks. There are two types of fears. One is physical. We are afraid of heights for good reason--we could fall and hurt ourselves. The other type of fear is psychological: We may be afraid to speak in front of a group, but we are not in physical danger. Attuning ourselves to our psychological fears, and noticing them as they arise, gives us a handy navigation tool that tells us where we need to take risks in our lives. Learning to deal with our emotions also means that we are no longer held hostage by fear and avoidance.

Over the course of our lives we lose areas of feeling because of our defenses and avoidances. As children, we were open and in contact with our feelings and the world around us, but because of painful experiences we shut down to avoid further pain. As we grow older, we lose touch with our feeling nature, and whole areas of our lives suffer. Most notably, we lose intimacy in our families and in our romantic relationships. If we embrace our feelings, we may recover this lost territory of feeling. This will affect our happiness in many unsuspected ways. We may respond more to the world around us, because we can feel it more profoundly. Not only do our relationships improve, but so does our sense of being in the world. We are more connected to our bodies, our loved ones, other people and the culture around us. This heightened awareness of our emotions and feelings has political implications and is one of the main paths for humanity to heal as a group. When we are more emotionally sensitive, we are less likely to act out our aggression on other people. We also gain the capacity for more compassion. If others in our world are being hurt, we can be more responsive to them. We become more responsive to all human relationships.

Mindfulness

A technique that is helpful in embracing emotions is mindfulness. This is a Buddhist practice that is used to enhance and develop awareness. A Buddhist monk may practice mindfulness while he is cooking dinner or washing dishes. It is a helpful technique for spiritual development that is well-suited to busy Western lifestyles. It is also a great practice for anyone who would like to be able to handle their feelings more effectively. Our point of attention is usually focused on the content of our thinking. We think all day long and are absorbed in this thinking. Most of the time, we are not even aware we are thinking. The problem is that the content of our thinking is the source of our problems, at least psychologically. When we examine our thinking, we find that we utilize different kinds of thinking during the day. There is the practical, problem-solving kind that helps plan our day, such as “I need to stop at the bakery to pick up some bread on the way home,” and there is the creative kind that supports these practical ideas and makes them happen. Neither of these is involved in psychological problems.

Ego-centered thoughts are what create suffering for us. Worry, for instance, is ego-centered thinking that has an adverse effect on our bodies because it creates stress. Here are some examples of this type of thinking, “I wonder how I’m doing compared to Joe.”  “I really need to have more money to be happy.” “I can’t stand that guy at the gas station.” We may unfortunately engage in this type of thinking all day long. Ego-centered thinking focuses on protecting the concept of self or attacking others in order to feel better. If we think we are perfect and someone criticizes us, then we become indignant. We may also judge others to make ourselves feel better, or may even attack ourselves and put ourselves down. This type of thinking causes pain, creates stress in the body, and reinforces a separation between us and the world.

Mindfulness is a method to diminish this thinking and to focus our attention on something besides the stream of incessant thoughts that go through our minds all day long, causing us stress. The technique teaches us to attend to other areas of our experience. One of these areas is our sensations. While you are reading this, many sensations are occurring in your body. If you are sitting, you may feel the chair against your back and the lower part of your body. The air in the room may be felt on your face and the exposed parts of your body, and you may feel your feet on the floor. All these sensations are occurring constantly, but because they are so constant we do not pay attention to them. They become part of our background experience. We can bring them to our awareness at any time, however. When we do this we take some or all of our attention away from our thinking — the source of our psychological woes — to a place inside of us that is neutral psychologically. Focusing on our sensations allows us to experience peace and calm.

Another helpful area to become mindful of is our breath. Our breath is a constant background sensation that we rarely pay attention to. While breathing, many sensations are occurring — the rising and falling of our chests, the cool air hitting our nostrils. Breathing can be useful to focus on because it occurs in the part of the body where we feel the most intense emotions--between our nostrils and our stomachs. We describe emotions with such phrases as a “sinking in my stomach,” “a tightness in my chest,” “a heaviness in my heart,” etc. In an effort to control our emotions, we may constrict these areas of our body, and consequently restrict our breathing. Deep breathing helps us to relax. By becoming more aware of our breath, we can make these automatic defenses more conscious. Then we have choice.

Mindfulness of sensations can be practiced anytime and anywhere — whenever your mind is not engaged in activities that need all of your attention. A good time to practice mindfulness is when there is nothing else to do and you would like to do something productive. For instance, waiting in line at a grocery store is a good place to practice, or while being stuck at a stoplight while driving. While walking or jogging or during any exercise, we can attend to the sensations in our bodies as we move.

By mindfulness of sensations, we become more aware of our bodies. This awareness prepares us to be more in touch with our feelings when they occur, since feelings are made up of sensations occurring in our bodies. If we practice mindfulness at times of the day when we are calm, then we are more prepared when a strong emotion does occur. Due to the deep relaxation that accompanies mindfulness practice, our baseline physiological state becomes less tense and more relaxed. We create the habit of bringing awareness to our bodies. This greatly improves our capacity to embrace our emotions and to contain them. We also experience a greater sense of being centered, and of not losing control of our behavior. We learn to soothe our own feelings by embracing them with our mindfulness.

Awareness When We Are Emotionally Aroused

By becoming more aware of our bodies we may learn to recognize when we are getting angry, fearful or distressed. Many people have a difficult time identifying these feelings until it’s too late and the emotions have already become extreme. Intense emotions are much more difficult to handle. By having a greater sense of our bodies, we are more aware of the field in which these emotions express themselves. This gives us an edge. We experience these feelings arising in our bodies before they get unwieldy. When we become aware of an emotion as it is arising, we are more capable of soothing ourselves, and of acting more appropriately. It creates a space in which we can see how we are thinking about the situation and to see if our thinking is accurate.

Jeff and Sue have many petty arguments about how they plan to redecorate their house. They each have strong ideas and squabble over their differences. Jeff finds these arguments painful and a waste of time. He decides to practice mindfulness to focus more attention on his body, and to tune into his feelings. He begins to be more aware of when he is getting angry.

When he does this, he notices changes in his level of arousal, and this helps him to change his behavior when he and Sue disagree with each other. His presence of mind helps him change his communication and calm the situation rather than contribute to emotional reactivity. Sue was not able to do this as easily as Jeff. She had a more difficult time, but she did appreciate that Jeff was learning to do this, and she found herself less reactive because Jeff was less reactive.

Awareness and Choice

By practicing mindfulness, we not only help transform our uncomfortable feelings, we also increase our capacity to act more constructively. The behavior that is expressed during emotional reactivity is pre-programmed from the past, and is subconscious and automatic. But this automatic expression may be modified if people are aware of their body. Awareness gives them a choice--they can choose a behavior based on the current situation, rather than one that was learned as a child.

If a friend walks into your room speaking in a loud voice with his fists clenched, you assume he is angry or very excited. He may be so angry or excited that he is not aware he appears threatening. If you ask him, “Are you angry?” he may say “yes” or “no” depending on his level of awareness of his emotions. If you ask him why his fists are clenched, he may stop to realize that they are clenched. At this point, he has a choice to keep his fists clenched or not. Before you pointed them out, he was unconscious of his fists. We have more choice once we bring a behavior into our field of awareness. When our attention is limited, partial, and focused on something else, we have less awareness and therefore fewer choices. Strong emotions can limit our awareness to a narrow field. Mindfulness and awareness of our bodies will help keep the field of awareness open or even expand it.

People Vary in Their Capacity to Experience Their Feelings

For some people feelings are readily accessible. Others, however, have a more difficult time getting in touch with their feelings, possibly due to different family backgrounds and cultural experiences. Some people grow up in families where both parents are mature in dealing with emotions. They learn to be in touch with their feelings from their parents. Other people grow up in families in which the parents are out of touch with their feelings. These parents are unable to teach their children this awareness. Others have traumatic things happen in their lives. This pain leads them to shut down their feelings. This is unfortunate. People who bury their feelings need to re-contact them to handle their emotions successfully. It is difficult to have successful relationships without this skill.

The ability to feel our emotions is a skill that needs to be relearned. We have it as a child. However, it is important to understand that people may differ hugely in their emotional expression. Some people are very effusive with their emotions and others are less expressive. Some of this is due to inborn predisposition. However a person expresses them, it is important that they can feel their emotions fully.

The Subtle World of Emotional Communication

As stated before there are two levels of communication — the rational verbal level and the emotional level. Even though people have little awareness of emotional communication, they end up responding to it much more than they think.  Greater awareness of emotions helps you identify the emotions of people around you, and the emotional influence others have on you. When emotions become strong enough, rational thinking recedes into the background of awareness, and our emotions move into the foreground of consciousness.

We are influenced emotionally all the time by the environment and are mostly oblivious to this influence. Experts in public relations and propaganda understand the power of the emotional level of communication and our susceptibility through our emotions. Advertising influences our desires; political messages influence our fear and anger reactions. The most potent emotional communications come from those that are closest to us, however. They know us the best and we have history with them. The challenge is to catch these emotional communications before they affect us and make us act in ways that are counterproductive. Because people we are closest to know us so well, they also have greater ability to manipulate our emotions.

It is helpful to become aware of these influences before we get emotionally reactive. This can be difficult for a number of reasons. A person’s words and “rational” communication may be at odds with what they are communicating to us emotionally. We get lost in the words and don’t sense what is happening on the feeling level. It may be hard to identify when people are manipulating us emotionally, because they have no conscious desire to manipulate us; they are caught in their own emotional reactivity and have no idea what affect they are having on us. We may also be so wrapped up in our reasons for what we are saying or doing that we are not paying attention to the emotional level of communication.

Here are some questions we can ask ourselves to help discover this more subtle, emotional level of communication. You may want to consider a relationship that confuses you emotionally while you ask yourself these questions:

--What emotional pattern are we enacting together right now?

--Has this pattern occurred before? Is it habitual and difficult for us to extricate ourselves from?

--Am I feeling pressure emotionally from this other person to feel a particular way or to do something?

--What is the major emotion that I am feeling with this person? Is it anger, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, hurt or another emotion? How does feeling this emotion make me want to act? How would this action contribute to the habitual pattern I have with this other person?

--How are we affecting each other with the emotions that we are expressing? Are these emotions affecting me in a manner that diverts me from what I really want?

--Can I remain aware of my feeling without acting or saying something according to the old script?

Attending to this hidden emotional level of communication can be a challenging task. However, becoming aware of this is one of the skills necessary to be able to master emotional reactivity and to insure we are not emotionally manipulated by others. Being mindful of our body not only helps us with emotional reactivity but with many other problems, also. Studies of mindfulness have shown it to help alleviate problems such as anxiety, depression, and personality disorders, as well as providing a general sense of well-being.

Chapter 5: The Benefits of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is believed to be one of the fastest growing job skills, and for a reason. Those with high emotional intelligence have an advantage over others in the workplace mainly because they cope better under pressure, find it easier to work in multicultural environments, and being good listeners, make emphatic colleagues and potentially great leaders.

Therefore, developing emotional intelligence makes it easier to cope with the demands of a stressful and fast-paced life of the 21st century. This is particularly important for those who see themselves in high-paid, prestigious, or leadership positions.

Therefore, the main benefit of having high emotional intelligence is that knowing how to effectively manage emotions, and being able to easily understand and cooperate with others,  you stand to be an asset to whomever you work for.

Besides, emotionally intelligent people process their emotions before responding to them. In other words, they think before they speak. This may not seem very important but chances are if you have a habit of making ill-informed comments, you will sooner or later come to regret them.

This is perhaps particularly relevant for the Western culture where people usually don't like silence and tend to answer questions or make comments without thinking. Or even worse, believe that every silence has to be filled with a witty comment or a remark.

Words can both help and hurt, and your choice of words says a lot about you. So, one of the ways of rising your emotional intelligence is to become more conscious of the implications of what you are saying.

What makes people talk without thinking?

On the one hand, information overload has made us overstimulated and we find it more and more difficult to stop the inner chatter. On the other, prolonged silence easily opens the door to feelings we may be trying to keep buried, eg emptiness, hurt, frustration, etc.

However, if on the other end of the scale you have an emotionally intelligent person who can manage their emotions and use words appropriately, it's no wonder they are so often headhunted by the most reputable companies.

10 main benefits of having high emotional intelligence:

People enjoy working with/for you

Emotionally intelligent people don't harass their staff or bully their colleagues. They know how to get others to do what they want without resolving to arrogance or aggression. Being flexible and open to suggestion, they make great colleagues or leaders.

People easily open up to you

Being empathic, emotionally intelligent people can tune in to others' emotions, so they easily understand others' point of view or the circumstances which may have led them to do certain things.

You are a master of your emotions in any situation

The ability to identify, understand, and manage your emotions means you'll always be a step ahead over others when it comes to responding to challenging situations. Besides, being in charge of your emotions helps you manage stress better.

You easily resolve conflicts

The trick to successfully resolving conflicts is to deal with them before the situation gets out of hand. Your ability to manage your emotions, and easily understand those of others, as well as triggers that may have led to them, makes it possible to respond to someone's behavior in a way that will diffuse a potentially difficult situation.

Because your interpersonal skills are good, you feel relaxed around people and are not easily thrown off balance in unpredictable and difficult situations, or with unfriendly or openly hostile individuals.

You easily become a leader

Emotionally intelligent people have most of the traits of highly effective leaders: they are empathic, confident, communicative, positive, and supportive.

You can work anywhere, with anyone

Great people skills, empathy, and social awareness mean that you will be able to work well and get most out of every situation even under challenging circumstances or in a foreign culture.

You easily get a high-paid job

Being one of the most sought-after skills in the workplace, high emotional intelligence can help you get the job of your dreams.

You don't do or say things you later regret

Knowing that you have to understand and process your emotions before releasing them, means that you will only act once you've had a chance to consider the situation. Sometimes, all it takes is having a few minutes to think things over and give yourself a chance to calm down and assess the situation, before making the final decision.

If there are occasions that you are too embarrassed to think about because of what you said, or did, it's probably because at the time you didn't have or didn't use your emotional intelligence, as a result of which you made decisions you lived to regret.

You are a valued friend and confidant

Emotional intelligence skills are just as valuable outside work, as some of your most important decisions and emotions take place outside the workplace, eg with your family, in your romantic relationships, with your friends, children, etc.

You are fulfilled

Having a successful career and being accomplished personally means you will have lived your life to the fullest.

So, through affecting your emotions, behavior, and interpersonal relations, emotional intelligence has a major effect on the quality of your life.

To continually cultivate and enhance these skills, you should never stop working on your:

Self-awareness

Be constantly in touch with your feelings and learn to tune in to them.

Social skills

Cultivate your communication skills and never underestimate the power of words. Besides, to become highly empathic, you have to try and develop humility. Although being humble is not easy in a society which encourages competition and individuality, ability to openly admit your limitations and mistakes, are traits of a true leader.

Emotional regulation

Learn to control your strong emotions, particularly negative ones, and never act on impulse. Practice this by thinking of something that will make you feel hurt, angry, or exploited. Sit with the feeling, feel the humiliation, or anger, “digest” it, and only after you have calmed down “respond” to the person or situation that made you feel that way.

How Emotional Intelligence Can Really Help Out In Relationships

Have you ever made a snarky comment to your boss in a moment of anger during a heated discussion? Did you ever have a fiery argument with your spouse about a small issue blew up into something huge? Have you ever regretted making an important decision when you were upset? Don’t feel bad if the answer is yes! All of us have gone through this. Why does this happen? When you are unable to recognize and understand your emotions, you are controlled by them and react hastily. These are all problems of poor or low emotional intelligence.

People with high emotional intelligence are associated with the following:

• Increased creativity

• Change acceptance

• Good team worker

• Excellent work performance

• Retention at work

All of these are linked to a professional career. The best part is, people who do well in their career enjoy better interpersonal relationships at home. Dr. Nicola Schutte conducted a study in the early 2000s with her team where she was able to show that people who believed their partners to be emotionally intelligent were highly satisfied with their marital relationship and expected more satisfaction in the future. 

Emotionally intelligent people can understand four crucial, critical things:

• They can understand other’s emotions, as they are smart in recognizing them. This particular skill is extremely tough when you are dealing with people who aren’t emotionally open. You can easily identify that someone is sad when they are crying, but how do you understand the grief in the person if he or she is trying to hide it? People with high EQ can do it, and if you practice EQ, you can do it too.

• They are aware of their own emotions and feelings. They are always in touch with their emotions and know what they feel, how they feel and why they feel. They don’t push away the emotions by brushing it aside or giving it a wrong label. Regulating emotions is key, as there is a difference between showing your frustration during an official meeting or waiting for the meeting to finish to show your irritation. Consequences for the former can be dangerous and even spoil your relationship with your boss, while the latter gives you time to think over it so that you put it across in a much better way.

• Thoughts create emotions! Emotionally intelligent people understand this and work towards clearing and controlling the thought. Doing this can decrease the power of your emotions. Sometimes, your thinking process is affected by your feelings and mood, i.e., over-thinking. For example, your decision-making skills will begin to waver when you are upset, but when you are calm, you make decisions that handle the conflict much better.

• These people understand the correlation between their actions and the emotional reactions it can cause in other people. For instance, an emotionally intelligent man will know that breaking the promise he made to his wife can result in her feeling hurt. 

Building emotional intelligence is a great way to improve your relationship with others – it can be a tough task, but it is doable. How do you build your emotional intelligence? There are many ways to do so, but we will look at the easiest and practical way.

• Observe your thought process.

• Watch the way your thoughts connect with your emotions throughout the day.

• The chemicals released in your brain will change the way you feel about things.

• Thoughts release these chemicals.

• Notice the connection between your thoughts and emotions.

• Work on decreasing negative emotions by not giving the power to the thoughts that create those emotions.

• Focus on increasing your thoughts towards positive emotions.

You will need to find out ways to calm you down. Going for a run? Walking around the block for few minutes? Making a call to a friend? Doing some yoga postures? Closing your eyes and clearing your head for 5 minutes? Hugging your pet? Watching funny videos of your kid? Find out what works best for you and put it into practice.

If you are going to be in the vicinity of a negative person whom you are trying to avoid, focus on the positives that might come out of the conversation before you speak to him or her. 

How To Determine Whether My Emotional Intelligence Needs Improvement

The act of loving someone calls for emotional intelligence – yes, you read it right! You require emotional intelligence to love, as you need to empathize, recognize problems and should be able to connect with the person on a much deeper level. The way you solve issues at home and your choice of partner indicates a lot about the connection between emotional intelligence and love. When you can harness the power of emotional intelligence successfully, you tend to see an improvement in your relationships.

The conflicts that occur in your relationships mostly rely on your emotional intelligence, which is the ability to observe, identify and respond appropriately to the emotions. Individuals with high emotional intelligence are better at processing their feelings and that of their partners healthily. Emotional intelligence plays a major role in romantic relationships – your EQ can influence whom you fall in love with and how the relationship will play out over a period of time. A series of failed relationships or having a hard time connecting with people (in general) will mean that your emotional quotient needs improvement.

The following are some of the classic signs that will tell you that you need to boost your emotional intelligence. 

• Bursting into laughter or lashing out in anger in a moment signals your lack of emotional quotient. This is because you are finding it difficult to control your emotions.

• Having a tough time in building and maintaining healthy relationships with colleagues and friends may indicate your problems with emotional intelligence. Lack of social skills.

• Are you finding it difficult to sympathize or empathize? If you want to have a lasting relationship, you should be able to empathize with the feelings of others. It is an essential part of a healthy relationship.

• You have an issue with your emotional quotient if you are unable to connect with media, movies or books. Tragedy, comedy and horror – all these genres are meant to stimulate your emotions, but if media, movies or books don't move you, there is something wrong with your emotional intelligence.

It is crucial to understand that emotional intelligence plays a major role in every part of your life – it helps dictate a range of things, from a successful career to a contented personal relationship. For some people, emotional intelligence is naturally high while for some it is low. If you feel you have low EQ, don’t hesitate to take steps to work on improving it. Self-improvement is a necessity in everything! Mindfulness is the basis for emotions – try meditating or getting into yoga sessions to improve your mindfulness.

The following simple steps will help you work towards improving your emotional quotient:

• Practice self-control. Pause, breathe (deep breath), count (for few seconds) and compose (think) a response. Don’t react immediately.

• Abstain. If you are the one who responds indifferently to situations or makes inept jokes, give yourself time to listen to the opposite person before you frame a response. For example, making jokes at a funeral or other tragedy to lighten the grief.

You have so many different ways to improve your emotional intelligence. Choose the best and work on it!

Strategies to Improve Emotional Intelligence

How do I set things right with my partner? Why do I make a big issue of small things that spoil my relationship with my husband? Why am I unable to control my anger when she points out my negatives? Why do I get frustrated with my kids when they go overboard - after all, they’re just kids?

These are few of the many questions that keep popping up in your mind whenever you’re upset about your strained relationship or your inability to control your emotions. How do you work on it? We will look at a few strategies to develop the emotional quotient for better and healthy relationships.

• Observe your reactions to people. Do you jump to conclusions? Are you judgmental? Do you stereotype people? Look at yourself. Be honest with yourself. Question how you think and interact with people. Be open-minded. Accept their version. Look at their needs and perspectives.

• Think about how you behave in your workplace. Are you an attention seeker? Do you look for an opportunity to shine, and grab it the moment you see it? Don't be bothered too much about praise. Shift your focus towards others. Offer them a chance to shine.

• Self-evaluate. Do you accept that you are not perfect? Will you accept negative feedbacks on your behavior? What are your weaknesses? Are you willing to work on certain areas to make yourself better?

• Study the way you react to stress. How do you react during a stressful situation? What are the series of emotions you go through? Do you easily become upset when things don't turn out the way you want them to? Do you look for a chance to blame others even when they are not at fault? Do you always keep bubbling with anger? You will need to keep your emotions under control when things don't work in your favor. Staying calm and composed in a difficult situation is highly valued not just in the professional world, but also in a personal life.

• You are responsible for your actions. Take responsibility. If you hurt someone’s feelings, don’t hesitate to apologize. Do it directly. Don’t avoid the person or ignore what you did. When you make an honest attempt to set things right, people will be more than willing to forgive and forget. They feel happy when you apologize. They respect you when you accept your mistake.

Emotional intelligence is necessary to turn your intentions into action. If you want to make important decisions on things that matter to you the most, you must do it with utmost care. Connect with people, nurture your feelings, react after thinking and most important of all, empathize!

Chapter 6: Communications Skills in the Workplace

If there is one place that cohesive, clear and precise communication is needed, it’s in the workplace. So many decisions hinge on what is communicated within an organization – staff to team leader, team leaders to upper management, management to owners or CEOs and communication to a company’s client.

Communication is the core of any business. Deals can be made with clear, concise and logical communication, or broken because of an unclear, muddled miscommunication. And the manner of how something is communicated is just as important. 

Communicating effectively with superiors, associates and staff is indispensable no matter what type of industry someone is employed. People who are working in the digital age must have the knowledge of how to successfully send and receive messages via email, phone, social media and in person. If you have good communication skills, they will benefit you throughout your career, help you in getting hired for a position, and lead to subsequent promotions.

Workplace communication is the method of information being exchanged in verbal and non-verbal within an organization. There are many avenues of communication in the workplace. In order to be a valuable and effective member of your organization, it is critical that you are skilled in all the various methods and means of communication that your organization uses and deem appropriate.

The organizational objective needs to be achieved by effective communication in the workplace. Communication is extremely important to organizations because it boosts efficiency and productivity. When there is communication that is ineffective between employees there, it causes wasted time, confusion, and decreases the organization’s productivity. Effective communication between staff members can prevent misunderstandings that may cause friction. 

Communication needs to pass from sender to receiver. This has to happen regardless of the method of communication. 

Communication can be effective if it is understood by the receiver and there can be a response in return. All types of communication include listening, speaking, reading, and skills involving reasoning.

When a communication passes from the originator to the receiver, the opportunity for the original meaning of the message to change is quite possible. Listening, reasoning and feedback is a critical part of the procedure, as it is a chance for the sender to ensure the receiver understood the message.

The Importance of Effective Communication - there are three important points associated with effective workplace communication:

• There is an improvement in productivity with workplace communication

• Employee job satisfaction increases with workplace communication

• A positive effect on turnover rates and absenteeism is seen with workplace communication

Communication in the Workplace – this should happen in a way that has a positive response to individual differences. Think of the following:

• Treat all individual with respect, sensitivity, and courtesy and value them

• Cultural differences should be recognized

• Develop and support trust, confidence and positive relationships with constructive communication

• Use basic tactics to overcome any barriers in communication

How you communicate effects your ability to be compatible and work well with people and get the tasks that you want or need to be done. Communication can be conveyed in positive and negative ways regardless of whether it's verbal, written or visual. People need to get feedback on how others may perceive or decipher how they are communicating and find out how they’re communicating and whether it needs improvement or is it misunderstood. There are times our communication may be perceived as dictatorial or aggressive although that was never the intention.

Verbal Communications

When we verbally communicate, we should speak clearly and listen carefully making sure what was said is understood. If you need clarification of the meaning of the information, confirm the meaning by asking questions to avoid any miscommunication and misunderstanding. 

One of the best was to be a good communicator is to be a good listener. There isn’t anyone who likes communicating with a person who only cares about talking about her two cents and doesn’t extend the courtesy of listening to the other person. 

Not being a good listener will make it hard to understand what you’re being asked to do. It would be a good idea to practice active listening. How you practice is to listen very carefully to what another person is saying, ask questions to clarify the message and intent, rephrase what the person is saying to make sure there is an understanding. Active listening allows you to better comprehend what the other person is saying and can properly respond. 

Allow for others to speak. Conversations are a two-way event. If there is a difficult conversation, involve yourself in it when it’s necessary. Avoiding a difficult conversation by not saying anything can usually make things worse. And check the tone that you use is one that is open and non-confrontational and encourages feedback.

Clarity and Conciseness

Saying just what you want to say and being brief is another way to exhibit good verbal communication. You’re not talking too much or too little. This means to state your message in just a few words, clearly, precisely and distinctly whether you’re on the phone, or in an email. If you speak in a jumbled, rambling manner, you’ll possibly be tuned out by the listener, or they will not be sure what you want. 

Sociability and Friendliness

It’s important to have a polite and nice demeanor with your coworkers in the workplace. This is significant in both written as well as face-to-face communication. When you exhibit a friendly tone, or simply smile, you can persuade your coworkers to engage in honest and open communication with you. Personalizing an email or a note at the beginning of an email to your coworkers or staff can make the receiver of the email feel appreciated. 

Self-Confidence 

When you’re interacting with others, it’s vital that you exhibit self-confidence. Confidence lets your coworkers know that you have certainty in what you’re saying. Displaying confidence can be done by making eye contact or having a firm but friendly tone of voice. Don’t make your statements sound like you’re asking a question. Don’t act or sound aggressive or arrogant. These are two traits that are not welcomed in the workplace. Always listen and empathize with the other person.

Empathy

Being empathetic to others by saying “I understand how you feel” and putting yourself in their position will exhibit that you are listening to the other person and respecting their viewpoints. Important to note – even if you may disagree with a team leader, manager, coworker or staff member, it is critical to respect and understand their opinion and point of view.

Having an Open Mind

A good communicator is open to listening and comprehending the other person’s viewpoint instead of getting your own message across. When you’re willing to enter into a dialogue, and entering a conversation with flexibility, even with someone with whom you disagree, you will have more constructive and honest conversations. 

Nonverbal Communication

The message that you convey is colored by your eye contact, body language, hand motion and voice tones. An open posture that is relaxed (arms open, not crossed and legs relaxed) and a calm, friendly tone will give you the appearance of being accessible and encourages others to speak with you openly.

Your eye contact is important in communicating with others. When you look at a person you are making eye contact with; you want to exhibit that you’re focused on them and the conversation, you are engaged and attentive. However, don’t stare at the person. This may make them feel uncomfortable. 

While you’re talking, notice the nonverbal signals that you’re receiving from the other person. As an example, if the person is avoiding making direct eye contact with you, they may be feeling uncomfortable or possibly concealing the truth.

Communicating via Email and Other Written Communications

When reviewing an email, read and then re-read the email before sending it out. Make sure the grammar, tone, and spelling are correct before it’s read by others. Make sure the subject of the email is pertinent and has a subject heading that corresponds with the content of the email. Contact information should be clear and available for those who read the email can contact the author if necessary. Write emails that are professional and polite, concise, using well-founded points and doesn’t have lengthy unnecessary, inconsequential ramblings. Avoid copying anyone on the email that has no relevant connection to the topic or content. Also, an extremely important point is not to discuss confidential information in an email. Ever.  

There is a professional environment in the workplace that means every kind of communication that is written as a professional standard that is expected. The expectation that all communication that is written

• Is easy to understand

• Avoids unnecessary repetition, gets to the point and isn’t written with sentences that are long, jumbled or muddled and rambling

• Do not use slang, sexist or racist language, or language that is discriminatory or offensive. A sure way to be terminated

• Don’t write in an onslaught of technical terminology. Unless it is necessary for the purpose of the email specifically requiring technical terms, plain, simple English will suffice.

Being Respectful

People will want to have open communications with you when you exhibit that you have respect for them and their ideas. Remembering a person’s name and greeting them personally, listening to them when they are speaking, and making eye contact makes a person feel recognized, respected and appreciated. When you’re speaking on the phone, remain focused on the conversation and prevent distractions.

When you send an email, you can convey respect by reviewing and editing your message. Sending an email that is written in a sloppy and jumbled manner will confuse the recipient. They will probably feel that you don’t respect them enough to process and think out your content and communication to them. 

Giving Feedback

You may be called upon to give and/or receive feedback. Being able to do so is a skill that is very important in order to be viewed as a way of bolstering morale or showing appreciation for someone’s performance in the workplace. Supervisors and managers should always provide their staff with feedback that is constructive and empowering. Whether it be by a weekly status report, email or phone, if an employee is doing a good job, or you thank them for the efforts they put into producing the final product of a report or a presentation, praising them is a great motivator for them to continue to thrive in their position.  

Conversely, be open and accepting of feedback from others. Listen to what, if any, issues are being told to you, ask questions to clarify any portion of the information you are unsure of and endeavor to implement the feedback you receive. If it’s praise for your performance in the workplace, remember to thank them and let them know their praise is appreciated.

Choosing the Right Form of Communication

Understanding what form of communication that you need to use and apply to certain situations is an important communication skill. As an example, there is going to be a review of the salaries of some staff members, or there are going to be layoffs from one of the company’s departments. This type of communication should be done one-on-one in person. 

There may be an issue you need to relay to a particular person in management who is the only person that can address the issue and correct it. However, they’re pretty busy, so an email will probably be the best way to communicate with them. The person will appreciate that you recognize their busy schedule and get back to you positively and in a timely manner.

Ways of Communicating to Avoid

During the course of a busy workday, there may be ways of communicating that are really not acceptable to use. 

• Don’t talk about personal issues when communicating with others who you have a friendship in the workplace. Save those conversations and/or emails AND texting for your lunch break or after business hours. The company computer shouldn’t be used for your personal email life. Planning a camping trip with your work buddy? Save that communication to do on your own time.

• Don’t yell across an office floor. Politely walk over to the other person’s office or cubicle to speak with them. It’s disturbing to others and frankly, downright rude.

• Don’t put your call on speaker unless you have your own office and can close the door. It’s disturbing to others working around you who may be trying to concentrate on writing a report or may be on the phone themselves with a vendor or a client. Be considerate of your coworkers. 

• Don’t gossip. This is a form of communication that is a time waster and is counterproductive to maintaining a harmonious work environment. This is not to say that a workplace should be perfect because it can never be when inhabited by people. It is to say that gossiping, backbiting or being uncooperative with other people is immature and doesn’t belong in the workplace. The workplace is for professionals. Communicate and treat one another accordingly. 

Communicating with Customers and Clients

You provide a service, sell a product or finish a job for a customer or client outside your company. Conveying a respectful and polite demeanor when using both verbal and non-verbal communications to reply to a customer or client request appropriately is extremely important. 

There are times that miscommunication can happen in numerous ways and can develop problems in the workplace. What is heard by your customer or client can be misinterpreted and miscommunication can occur. 

• How you phrase what your saying can be misinterpreted

• Body language that doesn’t line up with your words can be confusing in communicating with a customer or client

• The customer or client may not be focusing on what you’re saying, or you are not listening to them properly

Here are ways to aid your communication skills effectively when interacting with customers and clients:

Speak concisely and clearly. Don’t rush your words and speak at a rate that can be understood to provide the correct information 

Acknowledge the customer by their name – this gives the customer the feeling of being valued and special

Acknowledge non-verbal messages. Display positive and fitting body language at all times.

Don’t be judgmental. Don’t judge the way a customer presents themselves or how they’re dressed. Be open and have an open stance and a congenial tone.

Always be professional and respectful of a customer’s feelings. Be aware of your words and tone.

Show interest in people and take a real interest in a customer’s needs. This builds trust and a positive relationship with the customer.

Ask questions and be accepting of feedback. Ask your customers questions that are open-ended to find out what they are exactly seeking.

The workplace is a professional environment that you spend quite a bit of time in on a weekly basis. Communicating with your coworkers, management, customers and clients is extremely important for you to learn and understand. As you grow in your professional life, your mastery of communicating in your profession will help you on both a personal and business level. Implementing these communication guidelines correctly will surely get you noticed.  

Chapter 7: Secrets of Building Healthy Social Relationships  

Yes, when you listen keenly to people, empathize with them, and try to understand things from their perspective, it paves the way for healthier and more rewarding relationships.  We must understand that emotional intelligence is not a static skill that we acquire and will last a lifetime. It is a lifelong process and skill that keeps evolving as we navigate various relationships. However, there are a few established tips that will help you sharpen your emotional skills and help you relate to other people more effectively, thus helping you build strong relationships. Here are a few tips for using the power of emotional intelligence to build healthy relationships:

Isolate One Skill 

If you are looking to improve emotional intelligence and social skills, rather than trying to be good at everything, isolate one skill that you want to develop at a time. For instance, you may want to work on your listening skills or develop greater empathy. Don't try to work on too many aspects at a time. Identify one component of social-emotional intelligence and observe someone who is particularly good at it. If you know a friend is really good at listening to people and making them feel comfortable, try and observe how they manage their emotions, react, and speak. How does their body language reveal that they are keenly listening to the other person? How do they acknowledge what the other person is saying? What are the usual words they use to make the person feel comfortable? 

Day 16: Open Yourself Up to Establish a Connection 

One of the fastest and most surefire ways to build a connection with people is to listen to their experiences with empathy and link it with a similar experience you've undergone. This exchange of similar experiences strikes the right chord in people and makes them open up to you. Don’t be afraid to open up a bit and share a similar experience when the other person is sharing theirs. For instance, someone may talk about how painful it has been to grow up in a single parent home. You may be tempted not to share that information about yourself too early on or open up before knowing the person really well, but it can help establish a connection. You can add how you completely understand how it feels because you had been living in a single parent home all through your teens. This is a quick way to set the foundation for a lasting relationship. 

  Develop a sense of curiosity when it comes to strangers. Emotionally intelligent folks are intrigued by strangers and always have an insatiable hunger to know more about them and understand their lives and views. They make an attempt to understand how the opinions and perspectives of these people are different from theirs. You know what to do next time you’re on the train or at the airport. Immerse yourself in a different culture by traveling to various destinations whenever you can. It broadens your understanding of people and cultures. Sometimes, the only way to have an open mind is to go to a different destination and establish connections with locals.

Spend Time Away from the Social Media 

Though this is the age of the social media, try and balance your online time and connections with offline relationships too. It is important to maintain face to face relationships with people since it paves the way for developing better social skills. Don't go messaging people. Instead, meet them over dinner or drinks and have a real, face to face conversation. Emotional intelligence goes beyond social media confines and needs real-world connections. Our ability to identify, process, and manage emotions is impeded by instant messaging and social media. Emoticons don’t build emotional intelligence. It expands when we actually get out there and interact with people face to face. Staying in the constricted space of social media doesn't allow you to experience real emotions that can increase your emotional perception and intelligence.

Avoid Complaining 

Complaining is a huge sign of low emotional intelligence. It happens when a person believes he is victimized and that the situation is beyond his or her control. They will pass on the blame to the next person or situation before thinking it through. 

Emotionally intelligent people think in a constructive manner to resolve the issue rather than blaming someone else or complaining. They operate from a mindset that seeks to resolve the problem rather than working from the perspective of just making complaints. 

Complaining is a huge sign that people believe they are mere victims of a situation and that the solution is beyond their reach. We consider ourselves victims of other people or circumstances and therefore are unable to find solutions to pressing issues. We believe that the solutions to the circumstances enveloping us are beyond our realm of control. An emotionally intelligent person seldom believes himself or herself to be a victim. They rarely feel that problem resolution is beyond their control.  In place of blaming something or someone, they approach the matter in a more constructive manner and look for a solution quietly. Emotionally intelligent folks will peacefully contemplate an issue and look for a resolution through reflection and consideration of all possibilities in lieu of the current circumstances. There is a sense of maturity in their thinking and manner of approach. 

The next time you are tempted to blame your alarm clock for waking up late and showing up late at work, resist the urge and focus on what you can do to wake up on time each morning. Can you cut down on post work partying? Can you watch less television and go to bed early instead? Can you set the alarm on two clocks, so you have a back-up if one conks out? There are many ways to resolve the issue if you get out of the victim zone and start looking for proactive solutions that are within your control. 

Focus on How You Say it 

What you say is important, but how you convey it is even more vital. There are multiple ways to say the same thing or handle a situation. Non-verbal communication can have a massive impact on how you are perceived by people.

Eye contact, voice, tone, expressions, and body language all contribute towards creating an impression about you among other people. It conveys to others how you are thinking and feeling emotionally. Think whether your body language and emotions complement each other. Are you able to articulate your emotions or feelings without offending the other person? 

Keep in mind that few things destroy an individual’s morale quicker than an overly critical person. Think of different ways to say something without affecting the other person negatively. I always recommend learning something about the other person or understanding them before attempting to communicate with them. For instance, if someone is particularly sensitive, they may not appreciate a direct, straightforward approach. You may have to get your point across in a more diplomatic and tactful manner.

Similarly, straightforward folks may not appreciate you beating around the bush. You may also have to employ a more frank and forthright approach. Thus, knowing an individual’s personality will help you communicate with him or her in a more effective manner. 

How you say it makes all the difference while communicating, especially on slightly tricky topics. For example, let’s take a scenario where you think an employee is not suitable for a specific department and has consistently underperformed there despite receiving the best training, development, and mentoring. 

As a manager, it is your responsibility to inform him that he or she is going to be shifted to another department. Now you are placed with the conundrum of telling them the truth without affecting his or her morale. What approach would you take as an emotionally intelligent person to accomplish the same? 

Instead of telling the person that he or she isn't good in ‘XYZ' department and that he or she is being shifted to another department, you can focus on the positive of the situation and change the angle or approach to give it a more positive twist. You can say something like, “We think you have the ideal skills for (new department) and that your skills or qualities will be utilized to the fullest there.” You are still telling the employee that he or she will be transferred to another department, but you are putting across your point in a manner that doesn’t offend them or lower their morale. You are simply telling him or her that their skills aren’t being utilized to the fullest in the current department instead of telling him or her that their skills are not good enough for the current department. The words, body language, and approach make all the difference.

Also, active listening is a huge component of emotional intelligence, especially during conflicts. Often, while arguing with people, we have our responses ready even before the other person finishes speaking. 

During heated discussions, arguments, and conflicts, we only listen to reply but not to understand the other person. How many times have you heard the other person out to truly understand them and not to prepare your response to what he or she is saying? Resist the urge to come across as too overpowering during a disagreement and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Deal with issues in a respective, productive, and assertive manner, without an element of defensiveness. When you actively and empathetically listen to the other person, you are also creating a space for your feelings and emotions to be heard. When you listen intently to the other person’s views, you drain all the toxic energy from the situation and instead focus on arriving at a beneficial solution.  

I always recommend practicing your non-verbal skills at home to make yourself even more clear and transparent in social situations. Start at your home because it is a space that doesn't make you feel overwhelmed, unlike an alien setting. Make a video of yourself interacting with a friend or relative. 

Watch it so you can know what areas you can improve in when it comes to non-verbal signals. Another super way is to practice before a mirror. Pretend that you are interacting with a person and watch yourself in the mirror. Enlist the help of trusted folks when it comes to gaining valuable feedback. They can offer helpful insights about your voice, posture, expressions, and more. You'll be in a more private, low-stress setting, which reduces your shyness and preps your confidence for more important interactions. It's actually enjoyable to try out multiple gestures, expressions, signs, and postures.

When you can read non-verbal signals passed by others, you can quickly spot the disagreement in their feelings or emotions and words. Even a subtle mismatch in verbal and non-verbal signals will help you understand the

Notice how sometimes you pick up some clue and call it a “hunch” that something isn’t right about what the person is saying. What we like to call or think of as a gut feeling, or hunch, is actually a subconscious notice of the mismatch between the person’s body language and words. The person didn't intend to communicate it, but we tuned in to their body language and "listened" to it.

Practice Assertiveness and Expressing Challenging Emotions 

An essential part of being who you really are is asserting or being able to speak frankly and openly about things that truly matter to you or are important in your life. Practice taking a clear position on where you stand when it comes to vital emotional issues. Draw clear lines about what is acceptable and not acceptable in relationships. 

Setting boundaries in relationships is also a huge component of emotional intelligence. It isn’t restricted to being empathetic and being nice to others. Emotional intelligence is also about being fair to yourself. 

Set clear boundaries so others can know more about your position which leads to lesser misunderstandings in relationships. This can include anything from disagreeing with someone about establishing priorities, to saying no, to protecting yourself from physical harm or mental duress. 

Use the “I feel…when you” technique to assert yourself in tricky situations.  For instance, “I strongly feel that I deserve a promotion from the organization based on my performance and contribution.” 

Similarly, when you are not comfortable doing something for someone over your own priorities you can assert yourself saying something like, “I don’t feel comfortable that you expect me to do everything for you over my tasks and priorities.” When you feel disappointed that someone doesn’t follow through or listen to your instructions, you can articulate it with something like, “I feel really upset or disappointed that you didn’t update me about the project despite being instructed to do so.” 

The trick is to say how you feel when something happens. Refrain from beginning your sentence with “you.” It makes you sound accusatory and judgment. The moment the other person hears “you,” he or she will subconsciously slip into a defensive position. You are quickly allowing the listener to assume a defensive position, followed by a bunch of excuses. If you want people to listen to you, talk about how you feel when they do something. 

Reduce Stress and Practice Staying More Lighthearted

Stress rears its ugly head in all ways of life and completely consumes us following a range of negative emotions. From relationship breakdowns to being laid off from work, there are plenty of emotions that can overwhelm us. When you are stressed, it is challenging to behave reasonably. It will be tough to be emotionally intelligent when you are under tremendous stress.  

Find what your stress triggers are and make a list of everything you can do to relieve yourself of that stress. What is it that helps decrease your stress? A long lonesome walk in the midst of nature? Listening to soothing music? Talking to a trusted friend? Having lunch at your favorite café? 

Enlist the help of a professional therapist if it feels too overpowering to handle it by yourself. A psychologist, counselor, or therapist can help you cope with the stress in an effective and professional manner, while also helping you raise your emotional quotient. It is easier to establish rewarding interpersonal relationships with people when you are not under stress. 

I personally love to combat stress by maintaining a lighthearted atmosphere at work, home, and other social scenarios. It is simpler to appreciate the joy and beauty of life when you take on a more humorous or lighthearted approach. It makes others around you feel less stressed too. Optimism and positivity not just lead to better emotional health (for yourself and others) but also more opportunities. (Who doesn’t like being around a positive and optimistic person?) People are naturally drawn to optimistic, lighthearted, and positive people. Negativity, on the other hand, builds defenses. People with high emotional quotient use lots of fun, jokes, and humor to make the atmosphere for others (and themselves) safe, joyful, and happy. Laughter is indeed the best medicine to get through challenging times in our life. 

Chapter 8: Tricks & Techniques for Overcoming Negativity

Being overcome with negative thoughts can make it seem like success and happiness are impossible. They can take over your entire mode of thinking and give you a rather grim view of everything in your life. The key is that you can turn it around by interjecting some positive decisions. Decide for yourself that you will do something causative, in spite of not feeling like doing it. 

When you make this positive decision, move forward with one or more of the tips and techniques in this chapter. This will start you back onto the path of positive thinking. The first step is to pull your thought process to a stop, pull a U-turn, and head back in the right direction. 

One of the first things you will need to do is:

Recognize a Pattern of Negative Thought

Negative thought patterns are repetitive negative thoughts that recur over time. Their nature is such that those thoughts aren’t comfortable or helpful. These thoughts and the pattern of them will generally inspire a less positive emotional response, which can manifest in a number of ways. You may feel stressed, afraid, unworthy, ashamed, or even depressed. There are more emotions you could feel as a result, but these are examples. 

Learning to recognize and identify a negative thought pattern as it is unfolding is the key to being able to turn the process around and change it for the better.  A lesser-known term for the process of pulling yourself from an active thought process is cognitive defusion. Utilizing this process means realizing that the thoughts in your head are not anything more than just that: thoughts in your head. They aren’t the reality and, in many cases, they aren’t even an accurate picture of what is the reality. 

We tend to grant our thoughts a lot more power and significance in our lives than we may realize on a cognizant level. When we make use of cognitive defusion, you won’t take those negative thoughts in your mind as seriously as you might otherwise. When we’re stuck in our thoughts, we’ll obey them, follow them, and take them as fact. 

Cognitive defusion helps us to take a step back, see those thoughts and what they’re doing, and choose a better direction for ourselves. Remember that a lot of negative thoughts are not cooked up on a cognitive or rational level. This means that you, as a cognizant and rational person, can evaluate the situation as it really is. You can do so alongside that thought and see if it’s something that has any real merit or bearing in your life. 

Utilizing cognitive defusion to evaluate what thoughts to keep and what thoughts are holding you back, gives you a lot of power. Because you’re looking at them honestly, you can decide for yourself what the best course of action is. You can decide if you need to do something about that thought that is creating an emergency in your mind, or you can choose not to even respond to it. The beauty of it is that the choice is yours. If you completely disregard it and focus on something else, that negative thought is able to fade into the background. 

If you’re looking for an example of how cognitive defusion could help you to see a situation differently, think of the following. You walk into a room and find that there are several empty bottles on the table. This may make you think that the house is a huge mess and that everything is terrible because no one ever helps you to clean. Now, if you take a step back, you’ll see that all those additional conclusions simply came from within. The only real fact in front of you is that there are several empty bottles on the table. 

Remove those bottles from the table and take a look around the room with a clear head and what do you see? The same room you saw before, minus the bottles that were there a moment ago. It is simple leaps that our subconscious makes to form negative thoughts and conclusions. It may not feel simple, as the conclusions may seem insurmountable and terrible. Just realize that you can have a small bridge to a big mountain. 

Now, if you were to simply clean up the bottles in the living room without addressing your thought process, you might be liable to stay in that bad mood and stew in those conclusions. Erroneous they may have been, you didn’t take that initial step of debunking them.

Below, we’ll go into how you can go about pulling yourself out of a negative thought process. We’ll go into recognizing those processes as they happen, evaluating how helpful those thought processes really are, and how to move forward from there. 

It’s important to note that it’s completely normal to have negative thoughts, as it would be inappropriate to think of everything in a positive light. There are negative things around us, and we should react accordingly. It is also perfectly natural to have a negative or adverse response to general environmental stimuli. The important thing is to know how to pull yourself out of that negative response once a reasonable amount of time has passed. 

If you’re in the middle of a negative thought process and you’re coming up with thoughts that aren’t true, it’s imperative that you be able to distinguish which of these thoughts are untrue. Once you can identify those untrue thoughts, you can take a look at the thought process and defuse from it, and simply drop the thoughts that don’t warrant any further attention, is that they’re based in misinformation or blatant falsehood. 

We’re going to go back to the example of the empty bottles in the living room, we’ll take a look at that thought process one more time. When you walk into that living room, you see those bottles and you have those thoughts about the house being a complete mess and that you don’t have any help in the house. Of course, with thoughts of that nature, you’re going to be in a terrible mood. However, you’re not connected to that thought by any physical means. That thought is not embedded in your mind and you’re not stuck with it. 

Take a look at that thought and remove any connection you have to that thought. It was fused in your mind, and now you’re defusing from it. This makes it that much easier to kick that thought from your mind and move forward, clean the living room, and move on with your day. This is what makes cognitive defusion so liberating. 

There are some common patterns of negative thinking that may come up in your mind. Below, we’ll lay out what types they are, and how they can make you feel. Be sure to keep a close eye on your thought process, and your history to see if any of these processes strike you as familiar. 

Anxiety or Worried Thoughts 

Being preoccupied with what could go wrong, or how badly things probably went in our interactions with others, is such an exhausting waste of our time and energy. 

This can come up while imagining or looking at hypothetical situations or scenarios. We can sometimes give ourselves a sense of dread about those situations, thinking that there’s some way in which those things will go awry. In this pattern of thinking, you can find yourself biting your nails and losing sleep over things like your health, credit, finances, job, and more in spite of nothing negative actually having happened. 

When you’re in the middle of this pattern of thinking, it’s hard to shift your focus to something more positive and it’s even harder for positive thoughts to occur naturally. This is why it’s important to be able to spot a negative line of thinking and stop it in its tracks. 

Harsh Criticism of Self

We are often told that we are our own toughest critics. In situations in which we weren’t completely successful, this pattern of thinking can come about. This is a pattern of thinking that leads us to hold ourselves completely accountable to a point at which we’re somewhat cruel to ourselves about it. 

It is possible to feel as though this level of criticism is actually coming from others, whether or not it may be true. In those situations, you might find that you have a good deal of turmoil in your personal relationships. Thinking that others perceive us badly can lead to telling ourselves negative things that lead to low self-esteem and low self-worth. 

Part of the harsh self-criticism line of thinking is that it can feed into a vicious circle. In order to compensate for this feeling, we have on inadequacy or low self-worth, we launch ourselves into these quests for recognition or status. We figure—no matter how subconsciously—that if we can get others to tell us that we are good, or that we are worth something, we will feel better about ourselves. The high of that recognition from others is usually short-lived, as the negative thought process continues on within you. So, whether you get that recognition from others or not, you’re bound to burn yourself out by trying constantly to get it.  

Of course, there is nothing wrong with being a perfectionist or someone who strives for excellence. This differs from having a negative thought process, which doesn’t allow you to see the successes that you do have, or which is constantly berating you for every little thing that goes wrong. Such a thought process that can lead to depression and some severe effects of depression, which is why it’s important to stay vigilant. 

This negative line of thinking can make it harder to identify successes as they occur, much less to validate yourself for them. It can seem like you’re stuck with failure and like “you can never win.”

Chronic Regret or Guilt

This thought process is similar to the one above, but there are some key differences. This type of thought process can come from becoming stuck with thinking about failures or mistakes we’ve made in the past. From this thought process, we can derive a lot of feelings that contribute to low self-worth, low self-esteem, and even low expectations for our capabilities. In extreme cases, this line of thinking can leave you feeling worthless or even sinister. 

This line of thinking can convince us that we’re actually evil or bad for the people around us, no matter how untrue that may be. This line of thinking will leave you thinking on decisions that you’ve made, thinking they were the wrong ones, or that you were wrong for having made your decision based on certain factors. This line of thinking nitpicks at the choices you make and why you made them. 

It is important to note that this thought process is distinctly different than taking a look at past experiences, evaluating what you could have done better, and learning from your mistakes. This is a thought process that mires you down in the details of what occurred and can feel utterly unshakeable. When you get stuck in one of these mental quagmires, it’s best to start looking for ways and methods to change it. 

Problem-centric Thought Process

Have you ever been trying to work through something, only to be stopped at every turn with a new problem that makes it impossible? This is an example of a fixation on problems in your environment. Someone dealing with a negative thought process that is stuck on problems will have difficulty even finding a starting point in working through the things that they’re up against in life. 

Let’s consider this example. Charlie is thinking of buying a house and starting a family because it’s what she wants. However, when she thinks about how to get started, she might think her credit isn’t good enough. Someone might tell her that her credit combined with her significant other’s would be sufficient. From there, she would think that maybe it’s not a buyer’s market right now. From there, she might think of reasons why the timing isn’t right, then why they can’t afford it, then why it’s not a good decision in today’s economy. Before you know it, the whole idea has been scrapped and now Charlie is left trying to push her life in a completely different direction. 

It may be true that Charlie could do with a better credit score and that the economy isn’t as healthy as it has previously been. These things, however, are not impassable obstacles and can be navigated with positive efforts in the right direction, a good strategy, and the advice of professionals in those areas. This thought process of producing a new problem or a reason why not at every turn, is keeping her from pursuing some of her largest goals in her immediate future. 

Knowing the risks of a situation before committing to it is a smart thing to do. Understanding what obstacles you’ll need to navigate is a prudent part of planning. Getting stuck on every single aspect and seeing each one as a massive brick wall will keep you from getting anything you want out of this life. 

Know Thy Enemy

The first step toward resolution of these issues is to know what sort of negative thought process you’re dealing with. When you can identify what your mind is doing and how it’s getting you off track, you can more effectively work to get it back to where it should be. 

Once you figure out what thought process you’re dealing with and how it’s affecting your ability to get what you want out of life, take a look at what that thought process is doing. Once you’ve isolated that thought process and the things about it that are irrelevant or untrue for you, you can start to initiate and interject a positive thought process. 

Treat yourself like a Friend

When you’re dealing with a lot of negative inner monologue, there’s a rather poignant question you can ask yourself. If you ask yourself this question, you may find that it will put a stop to, or at least slow down, the harshly critical thoughts and jabs. 

Would you talk to a friend like this? If you wouldn’t say these things to someone you know and love, who found themselves in the midst of this same situation, don’t talk to yourself that way. You are important and you are worthy of compassion, understanding, and a second chance here and there. 

Conversely, if you would accept it if a friend told you that you are a good person who deserves positive things in life, accept it when you say it to yourself. You are your own friend and you are allowed to accept reassurances and compliments from yourself. 

Take a moment to think about what your closest friend would say to you about your current worry. Take a moment to think about how you would advise a friend in this same scenario. Write it down somewhere and refer to it regularly if that will help you to remember that you’re a good person.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

If you’re working on getting out of a mental jam, the first step to take is to acknowledge how the situation is making you feel. Acknowledge how you’re affected by the subject matter of those thoughts. Ironically, when we’re trying to resist feeling a specific way about things, we end up backing ourselves into a corner with those feelings. It causes more long-term stress and issues. 

If you allow yourself to let those thoughts run their course for a few moments and feel what your mind is telling you to feel, you have a better chance of moving on from those thoughts and opening the door for new, better feelings and thought processes. 

Ask the Hard Questions

When you ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly, it can give you some pragmatic perspective on what’s really going on around you in life. If can correct those thought processes or patterns that can lead to further difficulty down the road. 

Using a journal to answer these questions is great because you’ll have access to your answers as you continue to grow emotionally. Even if you just write down your answers on an index card or type it in a notepad document and save it for later reference, it could do you favors. 

Ask yourself: 

-       Is this line of thinking helpful?

-       What do I stand to gain from thinking this way?

-       Does this line of thinking lead me to a resolution for this problem?

-       How can I change the negative statements in these thoughts into positive ones? 

-       What should my next step be? 

Once you’ve asked these questions, you can start working toward a positive resolution for the current problem. Additionally, it can lead you toward a better pattern of thinking that will make things easier for you in future situations of this sort. 

Journaling

Journaling has come up in this book previously as a way to change your emotional pattern. Journals or diaries are great because they can cover a wide range of topics that you need to monitor or about which you have thoughts. Going back through your journal from time to time is a great way to gauge personal growth, progress toward goals, and the overall state of mind. 

Writing in a journal gets thoughts out of your mental space so you have room for other, more current thoughts. You would be amazed how much clarity is possible simply after talking about or writing down what you’re thinking. 

Using a journal for this purpose gives you the opportunity to puzzle out which of the above patterns of thinking you’re experiencing, to answer the hard questions above, to speak to yourself as you would to a friend, and to give yourself a plan for the future you’re working toward building for yourself. 

Find Reasons to be Grateful

Gratefulness is, as mentioned previously, a great way to gain perspective on the things that you have in your life. Thanks to a lot of devices in mainstream media that we see daily, we are constantly being reminded of the things we do not have. We’re being advertised to nearly constantly and being told to buy new versions of the things we do have, to buy bigger and better things than those around us have, and to generally make more purchases. 

This can, after some time, begin to wear on a person. This can give you the concept that you do not have enough, that you should be comparing everything you have and have done to the possessions and feats of others. Thanks to social media, we are constantly under barrages of posts about amazing accomplishments made by those who are younger, smarter, or more attractive than we’re willing to let ourselves believe we are. 

All this pressure coming at us from seemingly every direction, can start to give us the sense that we just don’t have much of anything, we have accomplished nothing, and that we will always want for more in life. This is a terrible spot in which to find oneself because it will almost never lead anywhere positive. It’s imperative to be grateful for the things that we have, the things we’ve been able to accomplish, and for the people, we have in our corner in life. 

Take a moment and think or write about the things for which you are grateful in life. Coming up with even five things per day, to put on that list will drastically change your outlook. It’s a great way to gain perspective on how lost you could be, and it’s a great way to acknowledge and congratulate yourself for the work you’ve done to get to this point. It’s no small feat to be alive, in good health, with food in the cupboards. 

Focus on Your Strengths

This exercise has a lot of similar properties to the previous item in this chapter, with a little bit of a different focus. A lot of anguish can come from being focused on the things that we lack, the areas in which we are weak, and the troubles that we have. This is not to say that being aware of and working on our weaknesses is a bad thing. 

Indeed, improving upon our weaknesses would only serve to give us the upper hand on situations in the future. There is a large difference (mainly in tone and focus) between recognizing and improving weaknesses, and dwelling upon those weaknesses to a negative result. In the case of recognizing and improving upon our weaknesses, there is a good deal of effort being expended to actively improve the situation. Dwelling simply means that we’re overtly aware of their presence and we feel overwhelming like they will be our downfall. 

List out, either on paper or to yourself mentally, what your strengths are. These don’t have to be Herculean strengths or talents that could land you a spot on a daytime talk show. These are simply the things in which you excel. For instance, some good strengths to have could be, “I am great at communicating. I am very punctual. I’m good at creative problem-solving. I am more organized than I used to be.” These are things you can use to your advantage in a number of situations within your life. Those are also strengths that aren’t overwhelmingly common, so don’t sell yourself short! 

If you find yourself having trouble getting started with this exercise, ask the people who are closest to you for a little bit of help. Simply ask them, “Have I ever impressed you? How did I do it?” This can be said in another way would be, “What strengths do you think I have?” This is a good way to start this exercise, and it’s also a good ego boost. 

Establish New Habits

Our patterns of thinking and the ways in which we approach situations can become a habit. In fact, most of the time when we get into these thought processes, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Establishing new habits begins with the personal decision and declaration of what habit you’re changing, and what the new habit will be. 

Not to sound like a broken record, but it’s highly recommended that you write this down. Being able to refer back to the habits we’re trying to adopt can make it easier to keep them in mind and to bear them in mind. Remember the phrase “out of sight, out of mind,” and put these things insight if it’s possible to do so. 

If you are journaling on a regular basis, make a list of the habits you’d like to adopt and consider implementing a “habit tracker” within your journaling. These can be found on social media with a simple search and you can pick a layout that works best for you and the routine you want to set! 

The key to forming a new habit is repetition, so give yourself sample scenarios to work through with the new habit you’re working into your life. Take the time to think about how it could work in your life, take time to think of any obstacles that might present themselves in your path to creating it and come up with solutions to those obstacles. Being determined is essential to creating a new habit, as it will require the purposeful opposition against what is currently involuntary or reflexive. 

Use Affirmations

You may be aware of some affirmations that people typically use in an effort to self-help. If you have any reservations or objections to using affirmations in your daily life, forget them. We are a species that thrives on reassurance, hope, and security. Having daily affirmations that we are good, we have the capabilities to achieve what we want in life, that we are on the right track, and that we can make it through the rough patches, does a world of good for keeping our chins up and our eyes on the prize. 

Affirmations, in short, are positive statements that help you to get over those mechanisms of self-sabotage and negative thought patterns. They thrust a positive line of thinking right into the center of all that and can be helpful to derail that negative train of thought. It’s important to note that “affirmation,” is a pretty wide umbrella term that can encompass a great many statements. There aren’t any rules as to what they need to say, so long as they are positive and challenge a negative line of thinking. 

Whatever speaks to you the most is the sort of affirmation you should be looking for when doing this exercise. Some people may have found, “I’m attractive, smart, and good enough,” to be the perfect phrase. Others may have found, “I am the chief executive butt-kicker. I stop at nothing for anything,” to be better suited to their needs. Everyone is different and a large part of managing your emotions and your personal growth is being absolutely true to yourself. 

Using these exercises and affirmations is never meant to change who you are. Using these is about helping you to live a life that is perfectly true to who you are, without all the anxieties and negative emotions that may be keeping you from getting the most out of your experiences and your relationships. 

In some cases, drafting your own affirmations is the way to go, because you know what you need to hear each day. If you’re feeling a little lost for what to say in these affirmations, try searching for various affirmations around specific topics, or just in general, that you can print out or write down to keep your chin up in spite of the obstacles.   

Practice Mindfulness

This is a subject that has gotten a bit more attention lately, and you may have heard of it before this book. What is it, though? To put it as simply as possible, it’s a state of mind that’s achieved by shifting focus to the current moment, and your awareness in it. Mindfulness is being able to do this, while also calmly acknowledging and accepting the thoughts, physical feelings, and emotional feelings that come along with it. It’s a therapeutic technique and it’s been more or less utilized in some of the other items in this list. 

It can mean taking a moment to see what’s going on, acknowledge it for what it is, feel the way you feel about it, then putting yourself completely in the here and now so you can evaluate how you feel right now. You may have practiced this or something that is similar to it. You may also see some similarities between this state of mind, and what meditation aims to achieve. 

This is a benefit that many people get when meditating. They feel that it helps to ground them, bring them back to the here and now, and put everything they’ve been thinking and feeling into perspective. 

There are myriad questionnaires throughout the web and self-help materials that specifically help you to be mindful. Bear in mind that not all the questions you can find will inspire you, or even particularly help you to be mindful. This exercise, like affirmations, requires that the questions be of a personal significance to you. If you think of questions that would be more relevant or poignant, go with those to start!

Channel Your Thoughts into Something Positive

In times when you find yourself to be in the middle of a negative thought pattern or process, stop what you’re doing and take the time to focus on a project that you’re really interested in, or which gets you excited. Imagine if, every single time you started to beat yourself up, you stopped and channeled it into productivity on a project that held personal significance for you. How quickly do you think those projects would get done?

To start, it may not be possible for you to stop everything you’re doing and move right onto a project. For instance, if you’re at work and this kind of thought process hits you, it could be difficult. However, you can channel that energy into something you’re doing at work, or take notes about how to be productive on that personal project once you return home, or once you have time to address it. Put it to the test!

Consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT is a therapeutic technique that is geared toward helping to change thought patterns. If you’re having difficulty with utilizing any of the tips and techniques listed here, CBT could be a good step for you to take. 

There are books on doing CBT, how it works, how it could affect you, and how to do it. If you’re able to get the help of a professional who is skilled in CBT, that would be the best course of action to take. However, if you don’t have access to a professional, CBT is something that you can do on your own with the help of materials on the subject. 

Keeping a journal throughout the processes is a great way to monitor your progress and to ensure that you’re getting a good result from the therapy that you’re doing.

Chapter 9: Unleash The Empath In You!

When you want someone to see things from the other person’s perspective, the first thing you will tell him or her is – put yourself in his shoes before you stand on him! This ability to look at something from the other person's perspective and trying to understand what they go through is referred to as empathy.

Empathy is the ability to interact with and lead by comprehending other people's views, feelings and thoughts. When you work on improving your empathy, you become a better human being. Empathy is strongly connected to the emotional quotient in a person. It can lead to a series of advantages such as:

• Succeeding in a professional environment (workplace)

• Stronger and more meaningful personal relationships

• Better quality of life and good health

Around 90 percent of top-performing individuals in most workplaces are said to come with a high emotional quotient. When people are self-aware of their thoughts, emotions and feeling, they are better in understanding the others' too. Listening plays an important role in this. When you listen better with an open mind, you tend to become a better person!

Lack of Empathy and its Negative Effects

Lack of empathy has been linked to criminal behaviors such as murder, robbery, drug dealing, etc. Multiple studies have proved this and claimed that most people in prison lack empathy. These prisoners who have been charged guilty never really cared about their victims. They didn't make any attempt to understand the emotions and feelings their victims were going through. If they had empathy, they wouldn't be in prison in the first place. When a person can empathize with another person, it is quite impossible for him to do anything rash or brutal.

Honesty and Trust

When you empathize with others, you are unconsciously placing your trust in the person. It gives you the ability to trust. When the person feels that you care for him or her, you are successful in earning his or her trust. Trust is important to build a healthy relationship. If your friends trust you, they will be more than willing to take risks for you and the most important of all – they will be honest and open with you! Your friends will talk openly only when they know they can trust you.

When trust builds, exchange of information increases and they will start sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. The trust they have in you might even make them open up the darkest secrets of their life. Gaining such a trust is a blessing nowadays as you hardly see such people around. This doesn't refer solely to friendship – it extends to personal relationships and professional relationships too. If your colleague can trust you such that she doesn't mind sharing her disturbing thoughts with you, you are working pretty well on your emotional quotient. Empathy and trust go hand in hand. Openness and honesty come only when the trust factor is strong.

Being Considerate and Understanding

You are busy playing a game on your mobile when a colleague of yours comes over with a worried look on her face. You stop for a second, look at her and ask her what is wrong. She tells you about a client call that went bad and is worried about the issue escalating. Instead of actively listening to her, you go back to your mobile game and respond to her with hmm’s, aha’s and oh’s. How do you think she would feel? Will she come back to you ever again when she needs a compassionate ear? No, absolutely not! You just showed her that you are not interested in listening to what she has to say. You lost her trust, and you were pathetically inconsiderate and thoughtless.

The basic and simple thing you have to do when someone approaches you to talk about their worries, ideas or interests is to stop whatever you are doing and listen to them. When you are empathetic, you are aware of the feeling that is being shown. When you are approached for help, try to comprehend and understand what is not being said (nonverbal cues) along with what is being said (the verbal conversation).

Most important emotions in a conversation are conveyed through nonverbal signals such as body language, gestures, facial expression, tone of the voice, etc. You may not realize that every single movement in the body sends a message. The most important part of empathy is to understand nonverbal messages and show consideration for the feeling they are going through. You become an effective communicator when you can empathize and understand what the other person needs from you. Learn to comprehend nonverbal messages to discover more about the other person’s thoughts and emotions.

The most common examples of nonverbal communication are:

• Facial expressions

• Eye contact

• Physical touch or contact

• Bodily appearance (physical)

• Hand gestures or physical actions

• The different sounds a person usually makes (depending on the emotions).

Empathy lays the rock-solid foundation for better emotional intelligence, and it is possible to improve your empathy through regular practice. You need to follow the right process and religiously practice them to take your empathy to the next level, which will help increase your overall emotional intelligence. You don’t have to go through an expensive course or a complicated process to learn empathy. Choose the right resources and tools!

Why Practice Empathy?

Practicing empathy will help you with greater success professionally and personally, as it is one of the fundamental factors that are required to improve your emotional intelligence. The more empathetic you are, the happier you become! Why is it necessary to specifically work toward enhancing your ability to empathize with others?

• You will begin to treat people the way you want to be treated and more importantly, you would treat the people you care about exactly the way they wish to be treated.

• You will be smart enough to understand the wants and needs of the people around you.

• You can understand the perception others have about you based your actions and words.

• You can comprehend the unspoken words of people and respond similarly.

• You can successfully adhere to your customer’s needs, as you are aware of what they are looking for.

• Interpersonal conflicts – both at work and at home - will be fewer as you can deal with them in a better manner.

• Your accurate prediction of people’s actions and reactions will be helpful to work on your next course of action/

• You will be self-motivated and make extra efforts to motivate the people around you.

• Your convincing skills will improve, as you can influence your ideas and suggestions effectively.

• You will always allow two-way communication as you start looking at the perspectives and perceptions of the people around you.

• Handling negative people will no longer be an issue as you are better at comprehending their fears and motivations. You begin to empathize by putting yourself in their shoes and work towards a constructive solution.

• You not only become a better leader or a better friend but on the whole, you become a better person!

How to Practice Empathy?

There are a few simple ideas you can follow to develop your empathy, and they are,

• Stop and listen

• Observe and marvel

• Recognize your enemies

• Be the third person

Stop and Listen

Listen with rapt attention when people talk to you. Active listening is important; stop whatever you are doing and get into listening mode. Most often, conversations are often only talking with no listening – this happens when there is a heated discussion or arguments on sensitive topics. Often, people keep talking back and forth with each other, listening enough to reply to the other person’s argument or statement. Sometimes, they don’t even pause to listen; it is just back and forth talking at each other.

You will also be able to recognize such a pattern within yourself when you think deeper. You will have the response formulated in your head waiting to spit it out the moment the other person has finished with his or her sentence. It will look like you are in for a war of words where each party wants to make sure his or her word is the final. 

When you find yourself being part of such a conversation, don’t rush - slow down. Push yourself hard to listen to the words the other person is speaking. Gauge the motto (reason or objective) of the speaker behind what he or she is saying and why he or she is saying so. Think what led to this thought process in him – maybe his work experience and the way he was brought up has led to his current viewpoint.

Don’t be a mute spectator; respond visually with body languages and gestures such as making eye contact, nodding your head, etc. You can also respond with sounds such as oh, aha, hmm, ok, etc. but let the second pass before you respond verbally. Before you respond with your reply, ask follow-up questions to make sure what the speaker intended and what you understood are the same, which will also help you understand their current emotional state.

Since you were completely focused on the speaker, you will need some to time to speak or respond, as you are yet to prepare your response for the same.

Observe and Marvel

Don't always stick your head into your mobile or iPad. Instead of checking your Facebook or WhatsApp while waiting for your train or when you are stuck in traffic, look around! Observe the people around you and imagine who they might be, what they might be feeling, what might be running in their head, where are they headed to now, etc. Is the person on that yellow bike happy? Is he frustrated? Is he humming the song he is listening to through his earphones? Does he have similar problems as me? Is that lady worried about some meeting she is expecting this noon? Is that why there is a worried look on her face? Just gaze around. Try to observe and marvel!

Recognize Your Enemies

Enemies might be an exaggerated word here, but think about an ongoing dispute you are having with someone – maybe your team member who is trying to disrupt your work routine to prove she is better. Or maybe a particular family member who is constantly coming up with conflictive arguments for whatever you do or say. You always have this thought in your head that whatever they do or say is wrong and you are right – whoever it is (maybe a colleague or family member). Because you are on the opposite side of the war field, you tend to disagree with them on anything and everything, irrespective of what they are arguing for!

Now, reverse the roles – imagine the entire scenario from the other person's perspective. The person isn’t evil or a complete fool. Maybe they aren’t wrong about whatever you disagree about. The problem here is more to do with the basic philosophical (ideological) difference between you than about the particular conflict that is taking place between both of you.

How does the other person feel when you disagree with them? Are they affected emotionally by the way you respond? What is causing the fear in the other person to accept or reason out with you? How do you worsen those fears in them instead of calming them? Are there any valid agreements for the person to make against your viewpoint? If so, what are they? Does this person hold any good intentions for you? Do they have any positive motivations behind what you think to be negative? If so, what are they? Do you agree with them? Do think these motivations hold more importance than the particular conflict between you two?

When you do this exercise a couple of times, you will feel your irritation and anger reducing – especially with the interpersonal situations which is stressing both of you. It may look clear, but it is different when you do it.

Be the Third Person

It can be difficult and tough to side with your enemy, so it is best to choose the other side – the third side. Look at the entire scenario from a third person’s perspective. This step will require a lot of discipline, as you will already be stressed about your own emotions and thoughts. To make things easy, try it with an actual third person.

All of us have loved ones and friends who come to us to complain about that person who has been treating them badly. It is common for humans to complain, as it is the basic nature of the species. It is also the duty of the friend or loved one to listen to the complaints and be sympathetic or compassionate toward the complainer. The general assumption is that the listener will side with the complainer and support him or her. And psychologically speaking, a person who is caring and supportive will side with the complainer, but will also point out the arguments of the other person!

Try practicing this – complain about your opponent to the third person. But don’t go with your default reaction immediately. Vent your emotions and then start reflecting. Once you finish with your side of the argument, you become the opposite person and start complaining about yourself. State points from the other person’s perspective. Work your way back. This way, you force yourself to hear and speak for your opponent. 

All this finally comes down to one major factor – empathy. Though we read a lot of articles and hear a lot of speeches about this, I wonder if people practice empathy – including myself. But if you want to bring a positive change to your emotional health, practicing empathy for even a short period should do the magic.

Tips to Improve Empathy

Research and studies show that empathy is partly inherent and partly learned. It is indeed possible to improve your empathy. There are eight ways to strengthen it, and they are:

Get out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself

When you stick to your comfort zone, you find fewer opportunities to learn and grow. Take up more challenges and experience the change you are undergoing, especially when you are no more in your protective and comfortable zone. Learn a new skill maybe – playing the piano or learning a new language or developing a new competency. When you do such things, you will become humble as you are pushed to stay grounded to learn new things – things that you have no clue about! Modesty enables empathy!

Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind (Seneca)

Move away from your usual environment. Travel to new places and explore their culture, since it will make you appreciate even the little things in others.

Ask for Feedback

I know I’ve been repeating this for quite a while now, but it is important – getting feedback is the only way for you to change and grow. Get feedback on your relationship skills from colleagues, family and friends. Listen to what they have to say and work on improving your lagging areas. Check with them to see how you are doing on a periodic basis.

Explore not just the head, but the heart too

Read books that talk about emotions, read literature that explores romantic relationships or personal connections. This is said to improve empathy – a study conducted on young doctors proved that reading literature showed improved empathy in them.

Put yourself in other’s shoes

Initiate a conversation with people and find out what it’s like to walk in their shoes. Talk about their concerns and ideas. Check how they handled the situations. Sometimes you will feel like your problems are much better compared to the others.

Inspect your partiality

Everyone has hidden biases within them and sometimes it is not so hidden. When you are biased or partial toward a party, you will lose the ability to decide rationally. It interferes with your ability to empathize, and most often these biases are centered on evident factors such as race, age, gender. Are you partial to a particular group? No? Think again – all of us are!

Be curious

What can I learn from a fresher? What can I learn from a client who is always self-centered? Cultivate the habit of asking curious questions. The right questions can lead you toward a stronger understanding of people.

Ask thoughtful questions

Don’t ask questions just for the sake of it. Even if your questions are provocative, let them be thoughtful.

How to be Empathetic

A recent discovery by the neuroscientists has proved that the multiple systems of mirror neurons in human brains are responsible for experiencing empathy. These mirror neurons reflect the actions we examine in others, causing us to imitate the same action in our brains. For instance, when you see someone in pain, you experience the same emotion to an extent. Similarly, when you are with a person who is in an extremely joyful mood, you reflect the same emotion within you to a particular extent. The fundamental physiological bases of empathy are the mirror neurons. They produce a neural Wi-Fi that helps you to connect with people's feelings around you.

Though the majority of the people are naturally empathetic, there are the others who are not. But fortunately, empathy can be learned – research shows that this particular trait, even if not inborn, can be cultivated through regular practice. But to achieve this trait and to practice, you will need to overcome few potential blockades. They are:

Barricade 1 – Not focusing 

Your mirror neurons kick in strongest when you notice and examine a person’s emotions – eye gestures, body position, facial expressions and physical appearance. Most often people are distracted by their thoughts or other stuff that they fail to pay attention to a person – especially when you multitask.

Solution 

Remind yourself of the importance of empathy and how it can lead to success in your personal and professional life. Motivate yourself to empathize with the scenario and people. Put away electronic gadgets and get into active listening mode. Fine-tune your observation skills, especially the nonverbal cues such as a quick change in facial expressions, uncomfortable body postures, trying to read the eyes of the person, etc.

Try to improve your nonverbal understanding by watching subtle dramas or movies with low volume. Make an effort to understand what each character is saying and read what the character is emoting.

Barricade 2 – Communication Issue

Not knowing how to communicate empathetically even after feeling his or her emotions.

Solution

Work on your nonverbal expressions; make a conscious effort to notice what you do (nonverbally) while interacting with people. Check your micro-expressions, hand movement, body postures, etc. Ask your friends to give you honest feedback on your nonverbal communication, especially in situations when you are overwhelmed by emotions.

Check if you have difficulty in being empathetic with specific people. If so, observe and understand why it happens. Concentrate on your tones. When people like teachers, friends, politicians, etc. are empathizing with others, listen to their tone. 

I am sorry that you had to go through this. – Try saying this sentence in various ways with different voice tones. See if you feel empathetic when you hear yourself say it.

Be smart enough to leave people alone when they want to be left alone. Don’t force your presence and empathetic words upon them. They might not want it at that particular time. For instance, if your friend who is going through a terrible phase because of her divorce proceedings is sending you signals to say that she doesn’t want to talk now, respect her feelings and leave her alone.

Barricade 3 – Not able to show empathy

There are times when you do not feel the same way another person is feeling, but your brain is instructing you to be empathetic and hear the person out. This is referred to as cognitive empathy.

Solution

You can always disagree with someone and yet understand the feeling they are going through. Sometimes it is more important to listen to someone and not judge them since this will help them realize that you are empathetic towards them. Communicate honestly in a way that makes the other person feel that you genuinely understand what he or she feels.

Articulating Your Emotions or Feelings 

Extroverts usually have the natural gift of being better at letting go of their emotions and feelings, because they are good with words. But concentration, practice and perseverance can help the others who come without this natural gift. When you can express the emotions then and there through body language or writing or by talking with other people, you are giving no chances for your health to dysfunction.

Researchers have found that it is beneficial to release and let go of emotions. Multiple studies have proved that repressed negative emotions or bottled up emotions can lead to increased stress. These researches also suggest that writing about feelings will give better health outcomes for people who have experienced traumatic events, asthma patients and breast-cancer patients. There was also a study conducted on people who lived for 100 years. The result of the study was their positive attitude towards life, and healthy emotional expression has led them to live for many years. 

Therefore, it is better to articulate and express your feelings and emotions to maintain physical and emotional health. If you are someone who often finds it difficult to let go of these emotions, it is time you work on the emotional quotient in you. That being said, the solution is not to pop the top off that bottle of emotions and allowing it to spray all over the place. If you do that, you can never identify the cause of a problem or situation!

Conclusion

Thank you for making it through to the end of Mastering Your Emotions. We hope that this material has been informative on the topics within and helpful to you in achieving your goals, whatever they may be. 

Your emotions are here to guide you. Learn as much as you can from them, and then let them go. Don’t cling to them as if your existence depends on them. It doesn’t. Don’t identify with them as though they define you. They don’t. Instead, use your emotions to grow and remember, you are beyond emotions. How could you not be? They come and go, but you stay. Always. 

ENNEAGRAM

Description

I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading the book, Enneagram. You need to be aware of yourself if you want to achieve your goals in life. Not knowing about yourself can harm you and hurt your relationships as well. If you are seeking some support in figuring things out or if you are feeling like you are trapped in a rut, then this is the perfect book for you.   

The Enneagram is an ancient pseudo-scientific technique used to identify a human being’s personality type. An Enneagram helps to define the different personality types of human beings with uncanny accuracy. It helps to describe how unusual and strange human beings are. According to the Enneagram, there are 9 personality types. Each of these categories comes with its own set of positive and negative traits. In this book, you will learn about each of these personality categories and how each type interrelates with others.   

It is a wonderful tool, but a tool is only as good as the purposes it’s used for. As you discern the types of other people in your life, you can use the Enneagram to navigate interactions, being mindful of your own biases and tailoring communication to their goals and perspectives. You can introduce the system to groups, creating a common language for members to understand each other.  

The following pages will infuse you with something more powerful than you might have ever imagined. Get ready to come face to face with your Enneagram Personality.

Simply put, this book will answer the big question. Why do you do what you do whether or not it's voluntary? It unveils the underlying motives behind each of us, and it will help you gain clarity on the patterns that are not serving you so you can improve upon them as well as shine a light on the positive traits that you need to be taking advantage of.

Take a bold step and make a difference in your life. You will thank the Enneagram for your own successful personal growth.

Chapter 1: What Is the Enneagram?

The way our minds work out personality differences, the things that separate us from one another, the core of what makes us who we are can be a fascinating study. Yet, much of this can be explained by a unique analysis system called the Enneagram, the accuracy of which has been a marvel for millions of people. Amazed at how well it can determine a specific personality type and how easily it can predict behaviors has caused people to wonder if there was a spiritual element to the system.

The most fruitful applications of the Enneagram come from using it for growth. Observe the ways your personality’s desires shape your actions. Notice when self-talk is monopolizing your attention, taking you out of the moment, and preventing you from fully engaging and use these moments of observation as a wake-up call to return your attention to the world around you and make active, conscious choices. It’s up to you to take what you’ve learned from the Enneagram and apply it in the ways that best fit your personal needs and circumstances.

Most of us go through life trying to deal with its struggles, challenges, and demands utterly unaware of the fact that there is a difference between the true self and the personality ego self that deals with everyday living. To "be yourself" is easier to say than done in our society because we often get tangled up in mass consciousness and leave very little room for authentic self-expression and self-understanding. That's what the Enneagram is all about. It's a tool designed to help you simplify and increase your knowledge of self and in the process transcend your present level of human consciousness.

In a world layered with illusions, where everyone wears a mask on a daily basis, those who've grown tired of masquerades are thirsty for truth and authentic self-expression. This isn't something new as the quest has been ongoing for centuries now. Since the time of Socrates and even further back, there have always been those seeking the real knowledge of who they are. However, something is changing in our society.  

Unfortunately, few people are aware of this inner being and so fail to grasp its importance. In today’s modern world, the majority of people are a product of their environment where the focus is on building up external connections while seeking personal fulfillment at the same time so they are not focused on feeding the inner person. In generations past, the concept of building up the spiritual person within was a normal part of human existence, but as times changed and more technology made life a world of immediate gratification, the idea of the spiritual person came to be viewed as something contrary to science.

It is not common to find environments today that actually support the idea of exploring one’s spirituality and following its calling. As a matter of fact, it is more likely one will be mocked as being unenlightened and following archaic customs. Yet, for those who dare to explore it, this journey is one that actually makes it easier to fit into this modern world that we live in. Ironically, once we have come to understand our unique Enneagram personality, a natural extension of this knowledge allows us to have better relationships with others, to meet challenges more effectively, and to live on the surface with the rest of the world more comfortably. In essence, it makes those external connections easier and less daunting.

Every day people are in search of a deeper meaning in life. In our modern and progressive world, the automatic tendency is to look outside of ourselves for that sense of purpose which is sad because the real answer to what makes us who we are has little to do with our external environment. So, while so many are searching to find their purpose in the praise of others, in thrill-seeking adventures life has to offer and even in the bottom of a bottle or drugs, many will be surprised to discover that the real answer to their true self is already within their possession.  

While these external forms of stimulation and self-fulfillment can provide some level of support and personal edification, the positive results they provide are often fleeting. This is because they don’t feed the inner core of our beings, the essence of who we are. Through the pages of this book, we begin to learn to see ourselves with the eyes of insight rather than through physical connections. It will give you crystal clarity as you begin to identify patterns within your own personal human nature that you never fully understood before.

If you want to be totally honest with yourself, then learning how to identify and read Enneagram personalities is probably the single most important element that can connect you to the real inner being that lies hidden beneath the surface.  

You will finally discover the real you and become empowered enough to discern the difference between the mask you've been wearing as a form of protection all your life and the real authentic self that is you. Not only will you learn more about yourself, but you'll also begin to see the world with fresh new eyes, understanding why people think, feel, behave and act as they do. This will enable you to spot those that you are most compatible with and nurture more of those relationships.  

Humanity is making a momentous leap in consciousness whereby as our lives become more complex, we experience the need to develop higher, better, more complex thinking and behaviors in order to cope. What most of us are discovering though is this approach isn't working too well.  

The best way to thrive as the world continues to make a global shift isn't to seek more complicated coping mechanisms to tackle the new emerging world, but rather to simplify the way we relate to and partner up with life. In other words, we realize the better option is to seek simple solutions to our complex problems. We are learning to prioritize and appreciate this quest for truth and have become curious to discover if indeed there is more to us than what we've grown to believe about ourselves.

Have you reached a point in your life where the need to discover who you really are? Sometimes it can be tough understanding your own behavior and actions or why you react the way you do in certain situations. It's a very sobering moment when you wake up one day to the realization that you don't even know who you really are - deep inside. The pathway to the inner world is filled with great mystery and can often intimidate us especially when we've been locked out of our own truth for decades. That's where tools and proven systems become useful.

The Enneagram is an ancient system and tool that was created to help those of us who care about uncovering the layers of mass consciousness so we can dive deep to discover our true self. And this book is designed to help make that journey of self-discovery and this ancient tool more straightforward, understandable, and quick to utilize.

Enneagram Personalities  

If you’re reading this book, chances are you’ve already heard something about the Enneagram personality but may not be entirely sure of what it is. While some people will say it is a complex system that is hard to understand, others believe it to be quite enlightening. It is true there is quite a mystery surrounding this iconic symbol which leads many to ask deep and thought-provoking questions. Is it like the horoscope with deep mystical and symbolic meanings? Or is it a modern means of profiling people’s psychological behaviors? Is it science or is it spiritism? Does it really have practical applications or is it simply another fad of mythical proportions? All of those are legitimate questions that many new to the system are inclined to ask. So, what exactly is it and what is its real purpose? Why do we need it?

In short, the Enneagram is a means of giving you a chance to peek inside yourself to see who you really are at the core, to discover the kind of person you were meant to be and to help you to understand the other people who are sharing your personal environment together.  

Even though we all live in the same world, we each see it from a different perspective. The main function of the Enneagram is not only to show you exactly how you view the world but also to give you some insight into how other people see it as well. It offers you valuable insight that can help you to become a better communicator and by extension help you to improve your work and social interactions when you are connected with those in your external environment.  

As you learn the different personality types, you might find that it has a very effective means of allowing you to see deep below the surface so you can better understand exactly why people practice certain behaviors over and over again. But it also goes a step further than that. It gives you the ability to break the mold that you may have been stuck in for years and put you on a separate growth path to a better way of life.

Still, with all the hype surrounding this new system of analyzing people, some may conclude that it is nothing more than a simple personality test. But they would be wrong. While the Enneagram dates back for at least half a millennium, it has found a new and more practical use in today’s modern world.  

Its insights help you to make very practical life decisions; those that could land you a better job, an improved and enhanced lifestyle, one that best fits the kind of person you really are so you will be more fulfilled with the activities you choose to do. The more the Enneagram reveals your inner self to you, the calmer your life can become and the easier it will be to tap into your hidden talents and use them to enhance your life.

It is important, however, to understand that the true purpose of the Enneagram has nothing to do with self-improvement which most people are seeking when they discover it. Rather, its primary goal is to transform your consciousness so that you can identify your true self. The benefit of building your character and improving relationships are merely a very positive side effect of that discovery of the inner person.  

The real goal is to unite that inner person with a being that is higher than themselves. To find a way of connecting yourself with a more spiritual existence is a key component in finding ourselves and our own personal purpose in life. This deeper connection knows no boundaries and is transmitted through a universal language that is not rooted in gender, religion, nationality, or culture. 

You’ll find that each personality type is rooted in one of three centers of intelligence - the head, the heart, and the body. These centers dictate how we will relate to the external world. Even within these distinct types, you’ll find instinctual subtypes that can have a powerful influence on exactly how we interact with the world around us.

The key to making this happen, however, lies in our ability to understand what the symbol means and allowing it to move us to take specific actions that will put us on a better and more trustworthy path that will guide us in the direction we were meant to go.

Chapter 2: Using the Enneagram

The Enneagram is more than ordinary personality test. With historical roots dating back to at least the fourteenth century, the modern Enneagram has helped thousands of people discover truths about themselves and their life’s purpose. Not only is it an interesting way to learn about yourself, but it’s also a catalyst for inspiration and transformation.

The insights that the Enneagram offers can help with many practical life decisions, such as finding a career or lifestyle that suits your personality best. As you learn about your type and watch how it shows up in your life, you may discover that you thrive in a calmer environment than you’re currently living in or that your talents would be best used in more people-oriented work than you’re doing now. You might recognize habits that get in the way of being your best self, and, as a result, make changes over time.

We’ll look at the various parts of the Enneagram symbol and their significance. Then, we’ll give an overview of the nine Enneagram types, as well as the core motivations, gifts, and challenges each type possesses. Read on for a deep dive into the human psyche, and a first glimpse at how to harness this powerful knowledge for your own personal growth.

The road to self-discovery  

Look at how you react to situations, think about why you act the way you do, analyze your thought processes, and speak to those around you, especially those who know you particularly well. Catch yourself in the moment when you react to a situation, or ask someone to do it for you, and then think back about how you reacted. It might also be helpful to write it all down, in a brainstorming pattern, throwing out random words which sum up the way you felt or reacted at the time.  

By nature we are not perfect, but it’s also important to remember that we were never designed to be perfect either, every single personality type within The Enneagram has pros and cons – there is no particular type which is better than any of the others.  

Don’t pick a type which you like the sound of, you’ll have been tempted. If you’ve read through every single type in this book, which you should certainly do, then you will probably have felt yourself connected more so with certain ones; this could be because that is your actual core type calling out to you, or it could be because that is the type of person you strive to become. You have to be honest and identify your true nature.  

Remember that you are never 100% one particular type. Every personality type within The Enneagram is influenced by those closely linked to it. For instance, The Peacemaker is quite similar to The Loyalist in many ways, but The Peacemaker might also recognize traits from a different type also. We are all different, and we are never going to fit into a one size fits all box. Your core type is the one you should certainly pay more attention to, however certainly pay attention to your contributing types also, as this means you are much more able to assess yourself as a whole.  

Remember to read the helpful tips, as these are designed to enable personal growth. We mentioned that no personality type is perfect, and our tips are there to help address the downsides of your particular type, and help you smooth out the issues which come attached to it. Again, this isn’t going to make you a perfect individual, but it will help you deal with some of the more challenging sides of your personality type, and help bring more harmony and happiness to your life.  

Assessing other people is a good way to help develop relationships from time to time. Now, this doesn’t mean going into analysis mode and questioning everything they do, because this is not going to make them feel particularly comfortable in your presence, however it does mean that you may be able to understand them much better, and help avoid confrontation in the future. Of course, you may also find someone special by doing this too!

Check out some of The Enneagram diagnosis tests we mentioned in our first couple of chapters, as these will help you pinpoint your particular type much easier. Honesty and self-analysis will get you so far, but we are designed as human beings to air on the side of a caution a lot of the time, and these tests will pull out those details we are often not honest about, or those which we like to keep hidden. Whilst they are not 100% accurate, as nothing in life is, they are extremely accurate overall, and can be relied upon to a certain extent, with some personal judgment thrown in for good measure.  

It’s also useful to remember that although you will begin to develop yourself from using The Enneagram, and from understanding your personality as a result, as we grow and mature, your type could shift a little, and you will move up and down the scale of your particular type as you get older. Nothing is ever static in life, and that means your personality too.  

Do not be worried or put off by the sometimes complicated nature of The Enneagram at first. You will more than likely glance upon the diagram and wonder how you’re supposed to get your head around it, but after reading this book, you will see that the whole thing becomes much easier, and will start you off on a road to self-discovery.  

Yes, lines and wings can complicate matters, but once you have identified your particular type and your particular influences, the road from there begins.  

Remember, honesty, perseverance, perhaps a few tears, and some serious determination to be the best version of yourself can be – these are the factors and pushes you need to develop yourself to that higher level, spiritually, professionally, socially, and personally.  

Enjoy your road to self-discovery and self-development; hopefully this is a road you will only take once in your life, so pull everything out of it that you can.  

Benefits of self-awareness  

  Your coping skills will improve.

  Life will always throw challenges at you. When you lack self-awareness, you may address obstacles from a place of reactivity, and it becomes much harder to cope. With awareness, you can handle these difficulties from a place of grace and acceptance, and it becomes easier to remain positive and relaxed, and to make empowering choices.

You will heal yourself.

  When pain remains buried and unaddressed, hurt lingers on in your body, making you more likely to react to the present from the place of your past pain. Working through your challenges makes it easier to act consciously and frees you from the burdens you carry. People tend to feel much better each time an issue gets resolved.

Your internal sense of balance will increase.

  Sometimes, you may feel as if you are on an emotional tightrope. Each emotion and reaction has the potential to hit you like a strong gust of wind, leaving you struggling to cling to the delicate balance you’ve created. Self-awareness gives you strength, and acceptance makes you even stronger. You can maintain your balance and weather internal storms.

Your relationships will get better.

  You can make it easy for others to enjoy your company when you relate to them from a place of awareness. When you react to others from a place of unconsciousness, you have more conflicts, and greater hurt may arise in relationships. With self-awareness, you develop compassion for others’ pain. It is easier to connect with others from a place of kindness.

You will develop presence and mindfulness.

  Being present allows people to live in the here and now. When we are focused on only the current moment, we don’t need to feel hurt by the wounds from the past or fear the unknown in the future. We find acceptance and joy in everything. We simply are. In presence, we see others and ourselves fully and compassionately.

Chapter 3: Multidimensional Personality

The structure of the conventional Enneagram diagram is intended to help you visually, mentally and emotionally connect with the tool, showing you how the interrelation among the personality types works. Before we start dissecting it, I bet you're wondering why the system is numerically numbered 1-9. I was curious about it too. Does a higher numerical ranking imply that one personality type possesses more value?

Not at all! There's no difference in value between the larger and the smaller number. So just because someone is an Eight does not signify they are better than a Three.

The quickest way to understand the diagram is by starting from the outside layers and work your way in. Imagine drawing a circle. Then a triangle within the circle and let it touch all three corners. Mark the three points of the triangle 9, 3 and 6 in clockwise position with 9 sitting at the top of the circle.  

All you have to do now is make six equidistant points from the circumference of the circle and designate the remaining numbers 1,2,4,5,7,8 to fill in the gaps. Be sure to do it symmetrically and in a clockwise motion. Each of these numbers represents one of the primary nine personality types. If you're doing this activity by hand, you will begin to notice that the nine points can be connected in some way by inner lines and that points 3, 6 and 9 actually form an equilateral triangle. The remaining six points can be connected as shown in the diagram below. The importance of these inner lines leads us to another vital lesson when it comes to an understanding of the Enneagram of Personality tool.

At a fundamental level, the tool is used to help a person identify their most dominant type within the nine-point system. However, there's more to it than meets the eye for those who want to dive deeper. There's also interconnectedness between the nine points. So, while you may find your basic personality to be a 2, it isn't uncommon to discover a little more of yourself in all nine types. This is where the Centers and Wings come into play.

As infants, we don't really have a developed sense of self. The ego has not yet been activated and if you're unclear about this, just spend some time in a park. Notice how the tiny infant in a pram has no sense of identity. He or she can barely tell the difference between their toes and fingers or whether a doll belongs to them or not. Then observe toddlers who are starting to become a little more self-aware. They can identify their parents and siblings but still don't have a sense of self. Then we have the five-year-olds playing together, chasing a ball around. The owner of the ball knows it belongs to him/her and he/she would probably cry if you grab it from him/her, but the self is still very fluid. Once they get to age seven and above, the self is well defined, and everything is about taking ownership and determining "me" and "mine." As children, we were not different. Depending on our environment, what our caregivers taught us, how they treated us and what we got exposed to, we developed a sense of self to help us fit into this world and survive.

We may, therefore, generalize that our formative years and all we were exposed to helped shape our personalities. We learned to depend more heavily on the personality type that would enable us to survive and feel safe in the world around us. Some of what we ended up choosing may be wonderful, but perhaps some aspects are not healthy at all, yet we still show up in the world as that person. Furthermore, it might be that we've neglected to develop and leverage the influences of the connected qualities and special abilities we may possess. That's why getting to know what center you belong to and what wings you're in possession of can be worthwhile. Let us further discuss the role of the three centers and the wings before jumping into each of the nine points in the next section.

The Centers:  

These are centers of intelligence into which each of the numbered points will fall. Each center will contain three personality types. The triad consists of the thinking center, the feeling center, and the gut center.  

Also known as the head, heart and gut centers respectively, these centers are designed and designated to the specific areas on the diagram intentionally. The centers are usually differentiated from each other based on how the person usually interprets life and others.

The Thinking Center:  

The head types are usually too stuck in their head. They tend to withdraw from relationships. The head center is a cognitive center and the people in this triad love to think, analyze, and approach things with caution. Picture for a moment that you were at a party. If you're part of the thinking center, then your natural tendency and preference would be standing at or close to the door so you can have a better view and merely observe others.

Some authors like to refer to them as mental-based types. Their dominant emotion to keep in check is Fear.

The Feeling Center:  

The heart types are usually people who engage in relationships and continuously seek out others. They are very concerned with feelings and their interactions with other people. Go back to that party scene again. This time instead of standing by the door to see who is present and what's happening around you, you'd be the first to mingle, introduce yourself to people and try to connect with as many people as possible.

Some authors will refer to these types as feeling-based types. Their dominant emotion to keep in check is Shame.

The Instinctive Center:  

The gut types are instinctual. They are very direct and aren't afraid to be confrontational. People in this triad tend to act first and think and feel later. If we take that party example one last time, you'd know if this triad is your perfect fit by your approach from the moment you entered the room. Are you bold, loud, hearty and jovial in your interaction with others? Perhaps you come off too strong which others often find offensive or intimidating. And if you’re the type of person who isn't shy when it comes to offering constructive criticism even if it is to the host of the party, then I'd say, this is your center of intelligence.  

So, in other words, you have a specific unconscious emotional response that often surfaces as a result of the loss of contact between the everyday little self and the true self. The three centers, having been grouped into Thinking, Instinctive and Feeling centers, have as their dominant emotions Fear, Anger, and Shame respectively.

So, if you take the Enneagram test and discover you're a Type Six and after a little reflection it dawns on you that fear is definitely one of the biggest paralyzers holding you back from greatness, then you've just confirmed that you're dominantly in the Thinking Center.  

The more disconnected you are from your true self, the tighter the grip of fear will be because that's the dominant unconscious emotion.  

Each center of intelligence has certain liabilities and assets that are included in it which the assigned personality types that come under that group will possess. For example, Type Three falls into the "feeling center." This suggests their most dominant unconscious emotion to watch out for is Shame. It also means there are certain strengths and qualities they would possess in relation to "feelings" which is why they fall into that triad.  

Just so we're clear, this doesn't mean you won't experience other emotions. Think of the group you're in as containing a theme. Whatever your theme is, that will be your most dominant emotion to deal with.

  The Wings:  

The reason I believe wings are a significant aspect to include in your interpretation of your Enneagram results is that in truth, none of us can be entirely summed up by a single personality type.

We are unique and complex individuals, ever-evolving and changing from one moment to the next which means our character must also be a combination of various qualities. The wings help to integrate this concept into the system.

Although some teachers of the Enneagram argue that we only have one wing, even if we judge it from a strictly numerical point of view, the number 1 is connected to 2 on one side and 9 on the other. The type adjacent to the 1 is what we refer to as your wing. Just as a bird or plane needs both wings to fly, you need wings to soar. These wings are supposed to compliment your core personality. They connect you to your "closest neighbors" giving you access to different resources and characteristics that can be quite useful.

Are both wings equally dominant and do you need to develop each one individually?

I think the most important thing to recall when it comes to your wings is that you will resonate more with one side and that's okay. As years go by, that might change too, and you may find yourself switching and exhibiting more qualities of the wing that's less influential. Either way, it's good to become aware of both and figure out which one aligns best with your basic personality and the human being you want to become.

An effective way of approaching and understanding your wings:

As you lean more into your wings to one side or the other, you will expand your perspective and increase your capacity to deal with tension creating a bigger potential to reframe influencers that no longer serve you. Each core personality type comes with a connected "close neighbor" on each side of the nine-point system.

Chapter 4: The Enneagram as a Universal Symbol of an Ancient Teaching

Human beings have three major ways of how they experience the world and that would be through thinking, feeling and sensation. The Enneagram model and other mystical approaches considers three centers of intelligence along with perception of which mediate the life experiences that people have and their reactions to them and this corresponds to the heart, head and the body. From a psychological point of view, everyone utilizes the three centers. Everyone senses the environment and has an emotional reaction to it or thinks about things though each type may favor one of them as the main channel for the perception and response to incidences. Each particular center has its own way of experiencing life and the negative emotion and concerns that are linked. The main types within each triad would be the ones that favor the particular center and reveal ways of dealing with that issue.

Considering there are many sets of three in the Enneagram of Personality, there are also several ways in which to unpack the whole Enneagram in bite size chunks of three. It may take some time to absorb some of the complex data and you might not get it incorporated on the first try If you use the Enneagram for the purposes of just becoming a number and to forgive and explain bad habits, then that is missing the point. The point would be to utilize the Enneagram as the platform for self-discovery and personal growth. After decades of study and witnessing, the Enneagram will enable you to unveil your innermost self and secrets.

The Body Center

The body center entails intelligence of the body which is a direct experience of our existence; that is, being a sense of life, connecting with yourself and having communication with other things. When you are not present, you lose your sense of confidence, existing and fullness. The major emotion for the body center would be anger. This usually comes from an instinctual response pertaining to the sense of interference or being messed with. The unconscious fear is concerning unity and this is where people may lose themselves, their functioning or not being intact. The body center needs autonomy and it is concerned about the influence on the surroundings.

As such, a Type Eight may tend to act out their anger or express it very easily or in a rapid manner. They may also place their guard up very quickly in such a manner that no one can get to them or hurt their feelings. Their anger can come from a number of situations where they or another individual experiences injustice.

The Head Center

This is where the thinking takes place as well as analysis, remembrance and the projection of ideas about what other people and events ought to be. The head-based types include 5, 6 and 7 and they may respond to existence through the use of their thoughts. They may also have vivid imaginations and there is a strong ability to correlate and analyze ideas. Even those who are very gregarious claim they are very satisfied with the company that is brought by their own thoughts. For those types, thinking represents a way for the pre-empting of fear.

The mind has to keep all of its defenses and come up with a dissociated sense of yourself and produce a sense of direction. The main emotion when it comes to the head center would be fear. When you can experience the presence and stillness in a direct manner, you experience it as the ground of everything. That knowledge is the basis of faith. When you lose the ground of support and guidance, you may become panicky and fearful. The head center type needs security and they’re concerned with beliefs and strategy. A Type Five may react to fear through retreating into their mind and so reducing personal needs. There is a need for example to master something in order to feel safe and to observe surroundings in order to make an analysis concerning what is going on. The Type Sixes respond to fear as well through considering what may happen in the worst-case scenario. The Type Sevens as well react to fear through trying to turn awkward or uncomfortable situations into something which is exciting and new in order to avoid the feelings of fear. They may fear being trapped in pain, grief or anxiety and go into an activity that helps them escape or keeps them otherwise occupied.

The Heart Center  

This is the place where people experience emotions or the sensations that tell people the way they feel as opposed to what they think about something. Emotions of the heart can range from the dramatic and the wrong to the most subtle or mute feelings. People overall feel connected to other people within this center but also have a yearning for fulfillment and love. They include the types 2, 3 and 4 and these groups have distortions concerning their feelings. The heart is aware of the truth and it lets us know things such as identity and the truth of who we are. It is also where people derive a sense of meaning and glory about their existence. When a person says something that is resonating and true, the heart will be in agreement and you might feel connected to the message and to the person. As such, being in touch with the heart shows the quality of existence and shows how to know the truth. Another common emotion when it comes to the heart center would be shame. The types 2, 3 and 4 are in search for recognition, validation and mirroring. This is needed because when you are young, there is a limited capacity for self-reflection. You can only ascertain who you are through the perspectives of others. As such, when you do not get the attention that you would like, there is some shame, deficiency and a sense of emptiness. The head centers want a lot of attention and are concerned with the way they are portrayed or their self-image.

The Type Twos can be caring for others in order to get good rapport and so they do not feel a sense of shame. They can create an image of being needed or likeable though they have issues knowing what they need or feel. They often know this when there are a lot of people who are dependent on them for survival. Type Threes are very out of touch with their inner selves and believe they need positive feedback and affirmations from other people. They can find value and self-worth through performance in order to avoid the feelings of shame that could come about. They also try and project images of success into the community and look for the admiration of others in order to fuel their self-image.

The Type Fours may usually look for the reasons why they are unique when compared to other people. They initiate and sustain moods and use emotions as a means through which they can defend against being rejected. This is done through the dramatization of their hurts and losses, causing them to avoid deeper feelings and get attention or pity from other people. As such, the Type Twos externalize shame and create images of a great individual, the Type Threes feel conflict considering they have a lot of shame and cover this with an image of success. The Type Fours manage to internalize their shame and have initiated an image which illustrates their identity.

How the Enneagram Centers Work

A lot can be said concerning the way personality develops in the Enneagram. Each type may favor one center though everyone contains and is affected by the heart, head and the body centers within themselves in different ways. The Enneagram is descriptive concerning different qualities of the centers for all human beings, which is a structure that is common to everyone, this then illustrating how this manifests differently for the various modes.

There are “two of us” inside us all which is the essential self-known and the personality that believes itself to be that of the individual. Of the two selves, the personality tends to manifest itself through habitual narrow modes of thought and survival reactions. These are referred to as passion, fixation and instinctual subtypes and they are the source of repetition within our daily lives. The describing of the essential self, heart and the head allows for a holy opposite which is a particular aspect of essence. These are known as the holy virtue and holy idea. The idea of virtue and the holy idea are more like holy seeds as opposed to holy opposites, considering they are with everyone at birth and name the divine qualities of the soul. People just forgot this as they learnt to deal with the world and developed personality defense structures. The personality masks and protects the essential self and it also does an imitation like a mirror that is reflecting back to front though looking for the forgotten aspects in the outside world instead of within. This would be the basis of the differences between the nine types. In summary: one of the underlying structures for the types is that they have nine distinct ways of manifestation. For each of the nine, their spiritual qualities and psychological self seem to narrow their focus towards the attention of trying to imitate the innate, forgotten qualities within their type.

The Head Center: Fixation and Holy Idea  

The fixation would be an indication of the personality’s habitual pre-occupation or the focus of their attention. It may be described as the metaphorical hamster in the mental wheel. The holy idea, on the other hand, shows a state of awareness which is experienced rather than thought of by the spiritual head center at the time that it is free of the fixation.

The Heart Center: Passion and Holy Virtue  

The habitual underlying emotion of the heart center is known as Passion. Early Christians had known this aspect being one of the nine interruptions to the life of prayer as stated by Evagrius Ponticus. At present, they correspond to the seven deadly sins added to fear and deceit. The essential state of being experienced in the heart is known as Holy Virtue, otherwise referred to as the virtue of essence.

The Body Center

The word subtypes mean three survival instincts which are connected to the body center for the Enneagram. Survival, which is the matter of life and death, is considered in the last resort through unconscious gut reaction and instinct. The nine fixations and passions define the personality attributes and they can be recognized as “what a person does.” The subtypes define three different means of manifesting each type, thus causing the behavior from them to be believed as a matter of life or death.

These instincts concern survival in fundamental areas such as:

Self-preservation which is the right to exist with the energy focusing on material well-being.

There is a social consideration of the right to belong since human beings are tribal people. Survival is dependent on acceptance within the tribe.  

There are sexual needs as everyone has the right to be loved. This is also related to the instinct to survive through what is newly created in one on one relationships irrespective of whether that is a baby or validation by another person.  

Everyone tends to focus on one of these, depending on their experience towards the greatest threat to their essential self as they grew up. This includes whether people were fed, were warm, nurtured well, accepted by the family and their attempts to attract unconditional love. At present there is some debate as to whether the subtype focus is present from the time of birth, regardless of whether it is developmental and a result of the environment or a combination of the two just in the same way as an individual’s adult persona is. In either case the result is while all three centers are important for a happy functioning in life, one of them is going to be seen unconsciously as the greatest source of pain or threat. This then draws a lot of energy and attention to it and looks to be one of the greatest sources of happiness and satisfaction.

Chapter 5: Your Enneagram Type: personality test

Finding out your core personality type in truth is not a short process and it is something which takes time and thought. There are countless Enneagram tests online which will help you gain some insight, and the RHETI (Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator) is the most commonly used. This particular test has been scientifically validated, and is thought to be around 80% accurate in most cases. On top of this, another credible source is the TAS Questionnaire in The Wisdom of Enneagram. Again, this is scientifically validated, and offers the same high level of accuracy.

There are many shorter online personality tests you can take, if you want to simply start thinking about what type of personality you are, before giving in to self-reflection to truly arrive at the most accurate result for you.  

To break it down into more simplistic terms:  

●                   Think carefully, think about how you react, how you feel, and how you behave on a daily basis

●                   Be totally and brutally honest, even ask a close friend or family member to list your attributes and behavior patterns if that helps

●                   Take an online personality test and assess the results – do you agree with them?  

●                   Use a scientifically validated test, such as the TAS Questionnaire, or the RHETI, which we mentioned above

●                   Think a little more – do you agree with the results? It’s important to realize that you might be surprised, so don’t discount the results because you simply don’t think you display a certain characteristic; you might have it without realizing! Again, ask a close friend or family member for advice

Once you have gone through this process you should finally come up with a type which reflects you.  

We are rarely purely one type. Throughout your decision journey, it’s important to note that we are very rarely one type only; we are complicated beings, and therefore we display characteristics of various types – however with that in mind, there should be one type which comes up time and time again, and that is your core personality type.  

Whilst we are all born with one particular main type within us, it’s likely that this doesn’t really show itself too much until the teenage years appear which we all know is a time of experiment and self-discovery in itself. During the 20s, the main personality type will show itself more so, and this is when the Enneagram becomes much easier to pinpoint.  

Once you realize which personality type you truly are, the journey certainly does not end there .

The whole point of the Enneagram is to use your personality type results to help you understand your inner being in a much more detailed way. Once you figure out which is your main personality type, this is just step one on your journey to self-discovery, self-development, and self-enlightenment.  

You can use your results to pinpoint the negative parts of your personality and improve upon them. However, it’s also worthwhile knowing that everyone has their faults so the Enneagram is never going to make you a 100% perfect person. On top of this, understanding your strengths by pinpointing your personality type can allow you to develop them further, and use them for good, rather than negative causes.

Take the test now and once you've gotten your results, go back to section II to read a more in-depth description of your type then jump into section III to figure out what kind of a layered cake you have.  

To access the test, simply copy and paste the following link into your browser:

What are Levels of Development?

If you have read anything about the Enneagram before, you might have heard of Levels of Development, and you might be wondering what this is all about.  

Once you pinpoint your core personality type, you can begin your journey into developing your understanding, using the results to develop as a person. Levels of Development therefore describe how an individual’s personality type shifts and changes as they become more familiar with it, and as they develop more as a person overall.  

Over time, everyone heads upwards and downwards within the line level of their particular personality type, and this changes especially as an individual becomes more au fait with their type, and as a result, their true inner being.  

Are you ready to learn more about the different personality types?

Of course, you could also argue that understanding all nine personality types can help you in your social life too, as understanding other people is key to having healthy, functioning relationships, in your personal, work, and social lives.  

Remember we said the subtypes are like layers of a cake that we all have?

That implies you already possess all three basic instincts, but one will be more dominant. By discovering how your cake is layered, you'll start to be more awake in your daily life choices, and some of your impulses, reactions, and experiences will make more sense.  

Your personality type combined with your wings and center as well as your basic instincts layered up now give you a detailed understanding of what makes you tick. And what a liberation that becomes as you step into improving your relationships with others.

Chapter 6: Understanding Enneagram

Chances are you’ve already heard comments from numerous experts on the Enneagram. As you’ve already gathered, it is a symbol shrouded in mystical significance and the meaning and its different elements are not always clearly understood. This makes it difficult for some to embrace the idea; the lack of a direct explanation of the whole process often leaves some suspicious and wary, feeling that they may be entering a world of occultism.  

For many, the occult is exactly what they think of when looking at the Enneagram symbol. Our minds automatically go there because it so closely resembles the pentagram which is directly connected to modern occultism. This makes many pull back out of fear that they are getting involved in something dangerously mysterious and dark. However, by examining the symbol exclusive of any preconceived notions and clearing your mind from those ideas people tend to automatically associate with it, we begin to see some similarities that we can find in other more acceptable beliefs of our society.  

It’s a natural part of who we are to want to know more about the origins of anything we get involved in, and while the explanation of the symbol itself can sometimes seem vague and obscure, we have been able to uncover enough to unlock the true meaning of the Enneagram symbol. It may take a little digging to find it behind the different elements, but it will be well worth your while to do so.  

However, it is very important to point out that the Enneagram we use today has changed a bit from its original purpose. One of the best ways to decipher it is by starting with the human mind. It is a natural tendency for our human brains to view images and break them down into different categories. Nothing fancy, it’s just what the human brain is designed for. Since Gurdjieff is considered to be the father of the modern Enneagram, many will automatically associate the modern Enneagram with his symbol. Gurdjieff's teachings leaned heavily on the metaphysical - a means of organizing natural principles and using them to explain how the universe actually works.  

There were three basic principles of Gurdjieff’s metaphysical theory, all utilizing the Enneagram symbol. The Law of Seven, Unity, and The Law of Three.

The Law of Seven: this law focused on the constant vibrations we all have around us. It is a little different from the Newtonian physics we have come to understand from modern science. Rather than what we’ve been taught - an object in motion stays in motion, the Law of Seven sees the world as a series of vibrations. According to this law, each object in motion must pass through seven separate stages before it comes to a stop. This means that the energy is not evenly spent but is instead lost at very specific points before it can receive an additional infusion of energy to continue along its path.  

His theory was based on the seven note musical octave with the idea that in nature, once something is in motion, that motion cannot be sustained forever. No matter what it is, it must deviate or change at specific intervals. As you go through a musical scale, for example, as the energy vibrations increase or decrease, the consistent rate naturally changes at certain points. With music, the points have been identified as the mi/fa point, and the si/do point. So, in an octave of do re mi fa so la ti do, the intervals where vibrations change would be between the mi and the fa at one point, and the si and the do at another point.

Of course, there is a lot more to the theory of the Law of Seven that we won’t go into here.  

According to Gurdjieff, the energy that is spent in vibrations does not uniformly dissipate but instead is lost at very precise points where it can receive an extra impulse to keep it going along its path.  

Unity: When you first look at the Enneagram symbol, your eyes will automatically recognize the circle first. This is the universal symbol of unity and infinity. It can also signify the oneness and eternal nature of a Supreme Being. To Gurdjieff, the circle represented two different forms of thinking. First, everything in the universe has a place; everything belongs with no exclusions. And secondly, the symbol was used to encourage a panoramic and more receptive awareness of the whole picture. This is done without judgment or labeling of anything as either good or bad. Anyone who can do this is able therefore to see the world in its true state and not be influenced by prejudices and personal preferences.

The Law of Three or the Triangle: This law represents the union of three fundamental things. First and foremost, the Supreme Being of the universe (God) determines its nature and structure. Secondly, its organizing principle, and finally - the power he has to pull it all together. All three of these elements are key to understanding Gurdjieff’s teachings of the Law of Three.

It is clear that Gurdjieff’s teachings were extremely complex and detailed but understanding just these basic facts is key to being able to grasp the true purpose of the symbol. As human beings, we have always been in a sort of quandary. On the one hand, we are always in search of our own individuality, but on the other hand, we have a powerful, inbred need to belong to something bigger than ourselves. While the western world leaned more towards seeing the individual to the point where nearly everything became disconnected, the eastern world strived for community and connectivity almost to the complete obliteration of the individual.  

When you see the world with more importance placed on connections, the price you pay is a loss of human dignity which is sacrificed for the sake of the whole. On the other hand, when too much importance is placed on the individual, the cost is the infringement on the rights of others. Therefore, the ability to create a balance between the two is essential and having the Spiritual Being holding it all together is key. With a Supreme Being, both unity and diversity can have an equal part in our lives, and we learn to live for both ourselves and for others.

While the ancient history of this symbol may seem vague and elusive, our modern understanding can offer us an even clearer meaning. The more we learn about it, the more we can dispel the fears of its dark and mysterious origins. Today, the symbol is used primarily as a schematic on a number of different personalities.  

While the symbol we use today is not exactly the same as the symbol that he used (it has been refined over the decades to be more applicable to the world’s society of today), it has many practical applications once you begin to break it down. There are many different ideas as to how to use the symbol. With so many different personalities it is difficult at a glance to know where you actually fit on the personality spectrum. However, by the time you finish reading this book, you will have some very keen insight into the wisdom of the Enneagram so you can know exactly where you fit in the whole scheme of things.  

Today’s Enneagram

As we’ve already pointed out, the structure of the Enneagram is simply a circle with numbers and lines contained within it. Each of these numbers, circles, and lines can be analyzed and viewed from totally different aspects. In the basic Enneagram symbol, you’ll first see a circle with numbers from one through nine around the perimeter in much the same way that the numbers go around a clock.  

At first glance, the idea of a circle with numbered lines doesn’t mean very much. At least, not until you begin to learn what each of these markings actually means. In the basic Enneagram symbol, the circle is a symbol of unity. The nine personality types are all equidistant from each other showing that they are all equal to one another. No single personality has more influence or power over any other. In essence, we all start on the same equal footing.

If you look closely, you will notice an inner triangle formed by connecting the points at the numbers three, six, and nine. This triangle represents a powerful and dynamic interaction of three different forces.  

The Circle : You will see that there are nine different points spaced out around the circumference of the circle. We already understand that the circle is a representation of unity and the nine points are all equidistant from one another. This shows that each personality is equal but still connected to the others.  

The Triangle : If you look closely, you will see an inner triangle that connects the three points at three, six, and nine. This represents the dynamic interaction of three very powerful forces. If you were to take two opposites, for example, the connecting force between the two would be some form of middle ground or a blend of each of the polar opposites. Here, three Enneagram Clusters are connected together by the triangle.

Hexad : If you were to look even closer, you would also see an irregular figure that connects all of the other six points. This part of the symbol represents the dynamic change we must all go through. As you will learn later, everyone has their own dominant personality, but it is not in control all the time. We are all constantly switching from one personality to another, each one represented by the Hexad, which connects them all together.

The Numbers: The nine numbers around the circumference represent the nine different personality types. Each type comes with its own seed of motivation that is responsible for triggering certain behaviors. While we all have a mixture of different personality types, we still have a primary or a stronger Enneagram type, which is responsible for our personal views on life, the actions we take, and how we respond to the world around us.

The Arrows: What you may not readily see in some Enneagram symbols are the arrows. However, if you see one with arrow tips at the ends of the lines, you’ll notice that they follow a very exact structure that shows just how people shift personalities under varying circumstances. When you are under stress, confident, or achieving a personal level of growth, your behaviors will automatically and instinctively shift from one personality to another within your Cluster. We will move along those connecting paths following the directions of the arrows.  

Arrows moving backward represent your stress personality which is your automatic way of separating yourself from your usual behavior and protecting yourself from emotional damage. When some people face severe stress, they could switch to this stress point and remain there for days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years before they feel safe enough to return to their dominant personality.

On the other hand, forward pointing arrows travel a path to a more secure place that will permit you to perform safer behaviors. When you are at your security point, you are usually in familiar surroundings with people you can trust. When you are healthy, you might make a move to your Integration Point. This is where you blend together qualities that will create a delicate balance between confidence and structure. If you’re looking to grow, it is important that you embrace these Security Points and follow those healthy behaviors applying them in your life.

By now, you’ve probably already begun to identify with a particular personality type. In fact, you’ve probably narrowed it down to several. If you’re interested in pinpointing exactly which personality type you are, there are several resources you can find online that can help you. Some of them are free but those worth their salt will cost you a little bit of money to take the test. However, the benefits you can gain from this knowledge can be very valuable to you and can help you to improve your life in many different ways.  

It is easy to see why so many people are intrigued by the Enneagram and what it can mean for them. It is a tool that gives you the ability to look at your own life and see it for what it really is. It provides the right frame for looking inside and identifying specific patterns that have been influencing your every decision since birth.  

With this increased knowledge about yourself, you can feel empowered to venture off into different territories that reach outside of your personal comfort zone. As you do, your life’s purpose will become clearer and your course in life, your destiny will unfold before you. Learning your Enneagram personality is just as much a spiritual journey as it is a psychological one, but if you take it with an open mind, it is possible for you to achieve greater intelligence about the human mind and discover your personal calling. However, it will require you to look deeper below the surface at what’s inside for you to do so.

The Iceberg

Humans are highly complex creatures and are made up of many different elements. While we all have the same components, it is the unique combination of those elements that make us individuals. Your personality is made up of a delicate composite of several elements that reflect not just your inner feelings and experiences but also shows up in how you express yourself and interact with those around you. Each element has its own role to play in building up the personality that exists in you.

It has often been described as an iceberg. While the iceberg is massive in size, what you see above the surface of the water are simply those elements that you are consciously aware of. It is the part of our personality that we allow others to see. However, the vast majority of what makes us who we are is what lies beneath the surface, the part of us that either we are not aware of or the part that we will try desperately to hide from those in our lives.

These hidden elements are the very things that drive us to perform certain behaviors. To put it more simply, those hidden parts of our personality can be described as those things that we feel while those things that are visible to our naked eye could be viewed as the elements that inform us and we consciously react to. Together these all encourage our behavior and give us the motivation to do the things we do.

In order for the Enneagram to be most effective and beneficial for us, we must address what is both above and below the line. The combination is what provides us with the insight and the wisdom to make the changes we may feel we need to improve.  

Chapter 7: Specific Practices for Each Enneagram Personality Type

The Enneagram personality type system is very dynamic and informative. We all tend to gravitate toward one of the leading personality types. If you know yourself, then you can begin to understand how your character personalities affect your life. Once you distinguish this, you can then make the necessary changes to attain your goals in life. The first stage is to explore each of these personality types so that you know the type that suits you. In the journey toward self-discovery, the first step is consciousness. When you become conscious of your behavior, you can start to make changes reliably.  

Type 1: The Perfectionist

Type 1 is known as the Perfectionist. Believe it or not, individuals with this personality type are likely to be harder on themselves than anyone else around them. They often tend to be quite critical of themselves, and their inner critic never takes a rest. At times, they can be wise and sharp. However, they are also demanding. Type Ones often struggle to achieve perfection that is somehow always out of their grasp. They not only have high moral standards for themselves but for others as well. They want to do the right thing and are quite responsible; this makes them the perfect employee.   

They might struggle for perfection, but this doesn’t make them courageous. They fear being wrong. That being said, the need to be right and to do well is quite an appealing behavior of the Ones. At their best, they are balanced, righteous, idealistic, and creative. They are reform-minded and continuously think of ways in which they can develop themselves. They have the mindset of a perfectionist. They are quite orderly and emotionally constrained. At their worst though, they are inflexible, extremely judgmental (of themselves and others alike), hypocritical, and even self-righteous. Ones believe that they are objective and reasonable, regardless of what others think of them.   

Critical motivators for Ones include living up to their own high standards, excelling in everything that they do, and being efficient. They want to be fair in all their dealings, and they honestly want to make the world a better place to live in.  

This personality type does sound too good to be true, doesn’t it? The attributes that are favorable for them are also the ones that hinder their growth in life. It is quite likely that famous celebrities like Al Gore, Gandhi, Hillary Clinton, Jerry Brown, Margaret Thatcher, Joan Baez, Katherine Hepburn, Bill Moyers, Martha Stewart, Thomas Jefferson, Ralph Nader, Sandra Day O’Connor, and Kenneth Starr are all Type One personalities.   

To all the Ones out there, it is okay if you do what you think is right. Having high standards for yourself and others is acceptable. However, you might not even understand that this attitude can cause you lots of problems. In fact, you can answer half of your difficulties if you just cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a disruption, and give others a break. Everyone will be grateful for it.

Type 2: The Helper  

The Helpers are quite good at giving, but not so much at receiving. They are generous and always want to assist others. There is a logical reason why they like to help others; it makes them feel like they are needed. They like to be required. People are drawn to all Twos like bees to honey because of their kind and helpful nature. They tend to do things for others without any hope of reciprocation. They make outstanding counselors. A person with this personality type can open up your heart because their heart is already open to the world. They can see the good in others.   

There are three major things that they believe:  

             They should place the needs of others before their own.  

             They should always give if they want to receive something.

             They must always work hard to earn the love of others.  

These are the three beliefs that all the Twos confidently believe. In fact, these are the beliefs they have held since their childhood. If you see that you share these three beliefs, it is quite likely that you are a Two. Twos feel that it is selfish to have needs of their own. The funny thing is, they aren’t completely selfless. They do have needs and prospects, but they are frightened to acknowledge their desires. Melanie Hamilton from Gone with the Wind does look like a perfect Type Two personality.   

Their primary fear is that they are unloved or undesirable. They cannot stand the idea of not being loved by others. Since Twos like to feel desirable, they never want to feel unwelcome. They have a strong desire to feel loved. At their best, Twos are quite empathetic, worried, nurturing, and loving. However, Twos are also quite possessive and manipulating. Their dominant nature can be quite a turn-off. They might not even understand that they are controlling or any such thing. They believe that they are kind and loving people, and they are, up to a certain extent.   

The key inspiring factors for Twos are that they want to give and receive unconditional love. The thought of being loved and accepted inspires them to do better. Famous personalities like Eleanor Roosevelt, Bishop Desmond Tutu, Barbara Bush, Albert Schweitzer, Leo Buscaglia, Jr., Sammy Davis, Ann Landers, Nancy Reagan, Dolly Parton, John Denver, Florence Nightingale, and Luciano Pavarotti are likely number Twos.   

To all the Twos out there, it is okay to let others love you. You don’t always have to do something to feel loved. There are occasions when it is okay to accept even without giving. Learn to be a kind receiver. You must know the difference between loving and needing. Love and need are different; the sooner you distinguish the difference, the more liberated you will feel. Having expectations is okay. In fact, you should admit your expectations. No one is a mind reader, and at times, you will have to spell out what you want from people. It doesn’t make you self-centered or shallow, so please stop thinking that.   

Type 3: The Achiever  

Type 3 consists of all the go-getters and performers. They like to improve themselves and others around them. In contrast to other personality types, Type Threes get massive pleasure when they reach their goals. They are often successful and can inspire themselves to achieve their aims. The personal definition of achievement for Threes depends on their family lives, culture, and their social values. For some, a large home can show success, for others it might be a good education, so on and so forth. Regardless of their meaning of success, Threes want their family and community to view them as accomplished. Threes are therefore almost always goal-oriented in life. They often behave in a way that will help them get the care and praise they desire. In their childhood, Threes spend a lot of their time and energy on actions that are of value to their family members and peers. Their amount of self-worth depends on other’s definition of success. Without achievement, they will feel quite empty. Do you remember Don Draper from Mad Men ? He is the example of a Type Three personality.   

The primary fear of all Threes is a feeling of worthlessness. They dread thinking of their lives without the achievement that they hold dear to their heart. Their primary desire is to feel worthy and valuable. At their best, they are trustworthy, self-assured, motivated, and focused. At their absolute worst, they can be quite pretentious, calculating, and even deceptive. They like to attain success; the means don’t always matter. They want to believe that they are exceptional. Though, it is wrong when they think that they will be successful only if others believe that they are successful.  

The key motivators for Threes are the goals they set for themselves. They want to become visible and celebrated. Success is everything to them. Renowned personalities like Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Tom Cruise, Paul McCartney, Barbra Streisand, Shirley MacLaine, Michael Jordan, Denzel Washington, Tiger Woods, and John Edwards are most likely all Threes.   

To the Threes, know that there is nothing wrong with getting smaller, more realistic goals. You don’t always have to reach for the moon and stars. If you overshoot your mark, that is awesome. Imagine how good it would feel to exceed your own expectations. If you fail to meet a goal or two, know that it’s not the end of the world. Give yourself a break. You can always try again at a later date.

Type 4: The Individualist  

Type 4 personalities, known as the Individualists or the Romantics, are absolutely perfect for romantic relationships. Type Four consists of all those who give importance to their relationships over everything else in their lives. Regardless of whether Fours are single or in a relationship, they give most of their energy toward their relationships. If you want to know if you are a Four, then you should evaluate your childhood. Fours try to create their personality around how different they are from everyone else.   

Have you ever wondered if you were perhaps switched at birth? As funny as it sounds, Romantics often like to think that they were. Fours often feel that their parents never understood their “real persona.” Not just that, they often feel misunderstood by their families. Fours have a tendency to think that there is something wrong with them, and this starts their lifelong quest to find their true personality. They tend to focus on all those things that they think are missing in their relationships. Instead of feeling thankful for the things that do go right, they search for things that don’t seem right to them. Fours tend to doubt their identity, and it makes them appear mysterious and intriguing to others. They hope that they will find somebody who will love them for who they are. While that doesn’t sound overly ambiguous, how can anyone love you for who you are if you aren’t sure of it yourself?   

The main fear that all those who possess this personality type harbor is that they don’t have an identity of their own and that their lives lack meaning. They desire to express themselves and build an identity for themselves. Fours are quite sympathetic, creative, sensitive, and imaginative. At their utter worst, they seem withdrawn, melancholic, and even self-absorbed. Often, people think that Fours are moody and like to isolate themselves from others. Fours want to believe that they are unique.   

One thing inspires Fours more than anything else is their pursuit to understand themselves: Fours constantly try to “find” themselves. Famous personalities who seem like Type Fours are Tennessee Williams, Cher, Ingmar Bergman, Bob Dylan, Soren Kierkegaard, Judy Garland, Rudolph Nureyev, Edgar Allen Poe, Maria Callas, James Dean, Frederic Chopin, Jeremy Irons, and Paul Simon.   

To all the Fours out there, know that the search for self-discovery is not a bad thing; the key is to not pursue it at the expense of your relationships. Feel free to explore new interests and even to spend time alone in your pursuits without feeling guilty. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your loved ones that you occasionally need some time to yourself.

Type 5: The Observer  

Type Fives are among the most indefinable personality types and are known as the Investigators. Most Fives don’t like to be the center of attention, and they are instead happy to stay on the sidelines. They want to immerse themselves in their world of observations, and they gain confidence when they can internalize the knowledge they gain. They like to know how the world works. In short, they like to observe more than anything else. Fives have an innate thirst for knowledge, and they want to know it all. They tend to use their relentless pursuit of knowledge to mask their insecurities.   

Fives often think that they don’t possess the ability to do things as well as others. Instead of trying to do something to rectify this situation, Fives tend to withdraw into their minds, their haven. They like their shell, and it gives them a sense of security and strength. Fives are often drawn to things that are somewhat unusual, less explored, and even unthinkable. Familiarity doesn’t comfort them.  

Perhaps during your childhood, your home lacked a sense of safety or stability. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you had an abusive childhood or anything of that sort. It could simply be that you felt overpowered by your parents or by your family’s living situation. Did you feel the need to retreat into your private space? Did you, and do you, still spend a lot of time occupied in your imaginary world—a world that’s full of books, music, and computers? If yes, then it is quite likely that you are a Five. Fives don’t fall into what others perceive to be “normal.” They define their world, and they are quite happy in it. They want to create their niche where they can be independent and confident.   

The primary fear that all Fives have is that they cannot do things and that they are incompetent. Their fundamental wish is to be capable and competent in life. At their best, all Fives are quite perceptive, curious, and inventive. They are often thought of as being intellectual and intense. At their absolute worst, Fives can be detached, cynical, eccentric, and even abrasive.   

Fives desire to control their environment with understanding, to stop the intrusion of others, and to possess the intellect and the security they desire. Albert Einstein, Georgia O'Keeffe, Stephen Hawking, Vincent Van Gogh, Bill Gates, Isaac Asimov, Stanley Kubrick, Emily Dickinson, James Joyce, John Lennon, Jane Goodall, Bobby Fischer, Friedrich Nietzsche, Lily Tomlin, and Stephen King all seem like Type Fives.   

Fives, it is time you step into the real world. Don’t disregard other things in your pursuit of knowledge. You don’t have to retreat into your mind to escape the world. Learn to become involved in your life and truly live it. If you don’t take any action, you cannot get any results. There is so much more to life than the world you have created for yourself. Don’t run away from things; learn to face them instead. Fives possess great intelligence. Instead of being observers all the time, you should take action. Don’t withdraw from truth.  

Type 6: The Loyalist  

Type Six personalities often tend to have a down to earth approach toward life. They are mellow, practical, and level-headed compared to the other personality types and all the lofty and idealistic views they hold. Sixes value security and safety more than anything else and are loyal friends. Not just that, they are loyal to their beliefs as well. Once they make up their mind about something, they will defend their belief at all costs. They are loyal to others, and they think the same in return. They might appear extremely brave, but they lack self-confidence when outside of their comfort zone.   

If you are a Six, you probably spend a lot of time thinking about the challenges that life throws your way. You fear making big decisions on your own and usually depend on others for guidance. At the same time, you hate it when others make decisions for you. You don’t like to let others take the reins of your life. Sixes like their security and safety. If they fail to create this, they tend to worry.  

The fundamental fear that plagues this personality type is that they will be left without any support or direction. Sixes like their support system, and it is all that they desire. At their best, all Sixes are quite confident, courageous, committed, and reliable. The traits that are usually associated with a Six are loyalty (duh!), anxiousness, and a sense of duty. At their worst, this type can be very confused, indecisive, defensive, and submissive as well. You need to believe that you are a reliable and a committed person; only then will others think the same.   

This personality type is driven by a desire to be liked and appreciated by others and a need to follow the rules. Robert F. Kennedy, Malcolm X, Richard Nixon, Tom Hanks, George H.W. Bush, Richard Cheney, Woody Allen, Bruce Springsteen Princess Diana, Julia Roberts, Diane Keaton, and Gloria Steinem seem like likely candidates for this type of personality.   

Be fair to yourself, Sixes. Know that you are fully capable of making decisions on your own. It is important to recognize that although you genuinely appreciate having a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, you always consider the pros and cons and make up your own mind anyway. It simply makes you more comfortable to include others in the process. Have no fear, though! Your sense of right and wrong usually tends to lead you down the right road.

Type 7: The Enthusiast   

The Type 7, the Enthusiast, is a busy, fun-loving, and playful personality. Sevens are quite impulsive and versatile, and you can never take away their innate sense of adventure. These positive souls are a breath of fresh air and approach life with a sense of curiosity. Everything seems to attract them. They are always up for an adventure whether it involves a vacation or a shopping excursion to Target. Their enthusiasm levels never seem to wane. Tediousness is an unfamiliar word to Sevens. Diversity and activity help them to escape the clutches of the ordinary life most of us seem to be trapped in.   

The one thing that inspires a Seven more than anything else is a sense of freedom to live without any responsibilities or constraints. Sevens want to have fun and experience life to the fullest. All their actions boil down to these motivational factors. Famous personalities like Robin Williams, John F. Kennedy, Elizabeth Taylor, Bette Midler, Jack Nicholson, Steven Spielberg, Mozart, Goldie Hawn, Federico Fellini, Jim Carrey, Lauren Bacall, Benjamin Franklin, Lucille Ball, and Mick Jagger are perfect candidates for the Type Seven personality.   

To all the Sevens out there, don’t get discouraged if other personality types are slightly put off by your boundless energy. Go ahead and continue doing your thing. Just try to maintain some semblance of balance between your obligations and your adventures.

Type 8: The Challenger   

Type Eights are quite strong and expressive. They can be quite a challenge as they are very direct and powerful. As their name proposes, they love lively discussions and thrive when they have to overcome a problem. They never shy away from a conflict and meet it head-on. Type Eights are confident, vital, and influential, yet willful and almost dominating. They love challenges and view them as a chance to improve themselves. They are very alluring and have the psychological capability to sway others to follow them. Eights are truthful, open, and straightforward. They value their individuality and love to make choices on their own.   

They are moved by a desire to take charge, wield power, and protect the weak.  Famous personalities like Martin Luther King, Jr., Mikhail Gorbachev, Sean Connery, Lyndon Johnson, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Indira Gandhi, Anwar Sadat, Toni Morrison, Nelson Mandela Barbara Walters, Susan Sarandon, Golda Meir, Pablo Picasso, and Frank Sinatra appear to possess the qualities of a Type Eight personality.   

Type 8’s should continue to fight the good fight, but be mindful not to be overly abrasive. Remember that sometimes you can catch more flies with honey. Tell others the truth but avoid hurting their feelings in the process.

Type 9: The Mediator   

Type 9 in the Enneagram is that of a Mediator or Peacemaker. This personality type includes all the other types. They can have the power of Eight, the enthusiasm and energy of a Seven, the dutifulness of a Six, the intellect of a Five, the creativity of a Four, the will to achieve of a Three, the generosity of a Two, and the idealism of a One. It is fairly problematic for Nines to determine their personality since they feel that they can relate to all the personality types in the Enneagram. They are so concerned that they have a tough time differentiating their feelings from those of others.   

Nines often desire a stronger identity of their own. The best profession for Nines is that of a counselor. Nines are open, agreeable, and complacent. They are known as Peacemakers because they pass most of their time achieving internal and external peace. They love harmony more than anything else.

The basic fear of a Mediator is separation and loss. Nines desire peace of mind and a sense of wholeness. At their best, they are tolerant, good-natured, and extremely reassuring. The adjectives that define this type the best are complacent, compliant, and self-effacing, though they might come across as slightly detached from time to time. The negative behaviors of this personality type are that they can be passive, incompetent, and even numb.  

The thing that motivates this personality type is their wish to live in peace and harmony with others. Abraham Lincoln, Carl Jung, Walt Disney, Whoopi Goldberg, George Lucas, Audrey Hepburn, Ron Howard, Gerald Ford, Walter Cronkite, Garrison Keillor, Jim Henson, Kevin Costner, Norman Rockwell, and Queen Elizabeth II are all likely to be Nines.   

All the Nines out there, you need to know that you are okay even when others around you aren’t. You should not allow the well-being of those around you to trouble you to the extent that it disturbs your own peace and mental health. You are allowed to put yourself first.

Chapter 8: The Essential Enneagram Test

Finding out your core personality type in truth is not a short process and it is something which takes time and thought. There are countless Enneagram tests online which will help you gain some insight, and the RHETI (Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator) is the most commonly used. This particular test has been scientifically validated, and is thought to be around 80% accurate in most cases. On top of this, another credible source is the TAS Questionnaire in The Wisdom of Enneagram. Again, this is scientifically validated, and offers the same high level of accuracy.

There are many shorter online personality tests you can take, if you want to simply start thinking about what type of personality you are, before giving in to self-reflection to truly arrive at the most accurate result for you.  

To break it down into more simplistic terms:  

●                   Think carefully, think about how you react, how you feel, and how you behave on a daily basis

●                   Be totally and brutally honest, even ask a close friend or family member to list your attributes and behavior patterns if that helps

●                   Take an online personality test and assess the results – do you agree with them?  

●                   Use a scientifically validated test, such as the TAS Questionnaire, or the RHETI, which we mentioned above

●                   Think a little more – do you agree with the results? It’s important to realize that you might be surprised, so don’t discount the results because you simply don’t think you display a certain characteristic; you might have it without realizing! Again, ask a close friend or family member for advice

Once you have gone through this process you should finally come up with a type which reflects you.  

We are rarely purely one type. Throughout your decision journey, it’s important to note that we are very rarely one type only; we are complicated beings, and therefore we display characteristics of various types – however with that in mind, there should be one type which comes up time and time again, and that is your core personality type.  

Whilst we are all born with one particular main type within us, it’s likely that this doesn’t really show itself too much until the teenage years appear which we all know is a time of experiment and self-discovery in itself. During the 20s, the main personality type will show itself more so, and this is when the Enneagram becomes much easier to pinpoint.  

Once you realize which personality type you truly are, the journey certainly does not end there .

The whole point of the Enneagram is to use your personality type results to help you understand your inner being in a much more detailed way. Once you figure out which is your main personality type, this is just step one on your journey to self-discovery, self-development, and self-enlightenment.  

You can use your results to pinpoint the negative parts of your personality and improve upon them. However, it’s also worthwhile knowing that everyone has their faults so the Enneagram is never going to make you a 100% perfect person. On top of this, understanding your strengths by pinpointing your personality type can allow you to develop them further, and use them for good, rather than negative causes.

Take the test now and once you've gotten your results, go back to section II to read a more in-depth description of your type then jump into section III to figure out what kind of a layered cake you have.  

To access the test, simply copy and paste the following link into your browser:

What are Levels of Development?

If you have read anything about the Enneagram before, you might have heard of Levels of Development, and you might be wondering what this is all about.  

Once you pinpoint your core personality type, you can begin your journey into developing your understanding, using the results to develop as a person. Levels of Development therefore describe how an individual’s personality type shifts and changes as they become more familiar with it, and as they develop more as a person overall.  

Over time, everyone heads upwards and downwards within the line level of their particular personality type, and this changes especially as an individual becomes more au fait with their type, and as a result, their true inner being.  

Are you ready to learn more about the different personality types?

Of course, you could also argue that understanding all nine personality types can help you in your social life too, as understanding other people is key to having healthy, functioning relationships, in your personal, work, and social lives.  

Remember we said the subtypes are like layers of a cake that we all have?

That implies you already possess all three basic instincts, but one will be more dominant. By discovering how your cake is layered, you'll start to be more awake in your daily life choices, and some of your impulses, reactions, and experiences will make more sense.  

Your personality type combined with your wings and center as well as your basic instincts layered up now give you a detailed understanding of what makes you tick. And what a liberation that becomes as you step into improving your relationships with others.

Chapter 9: Discover perfection your Truest Self

Personal growth and self-expression are as essential as breathing for us as human beings. Once we secure the basic needs that help keep us feeling safe and comfortable, the longing for self-expression arises naturally. It is meant to be part of our evolution and self-realization.  

Self-expression doesn't necessarily mean producing art, writing, being a performer or any of that. It can absolutely include that for certain people, but at its core, it is about communicating your truth and using body language, your work, and actions and how you interact and engage with others in your world. That also includes how you dress, the way you drive your car, decorate your home and so on.

The main challenge with personal growth and self-expression comes when there feels like there's a block or a lack of inspiration and creativity to successfully get across something that you wish to portray to another in some way.

Ever been in a situation where you really wanted to express something that was burning in your heart, but for whatever reason, you fell short of full expression which resulted in a deep sense of frustration, disappointment and this feeling that you were misunderstood?

This is a common problem when we don't yet understand ourselves and the motives, instincts, and behaviors that influence our personalities. We may have an idea of what we want to communicate, but we fall short on execution or full manifestation.

The reason enneagram of personality tool works so well to improve people's lives is that it aids them in better understanding their strengths, hang-ups, instinctual drives and warning signs to watch out for.  

But it also does something few want to talk about. This tool also brings to the foreground the underlying fears that often guide our behaviors.

How the Enneagram can help you grow and manifest a joy-filled life.  

The Enneagram is like a roadmap empowering your capacity for self-observation, and it shows you how to get to higher levels of awareness. The more you develop a clear vision of the healthiest and best version you can be, the more joyful and prosperous your life will be. It can be as simple or as complex as you desire it to be. It is recommended to start with the basics. This book covers all the basics as well as some in-depth understanding of the intricacies of the system. However, that doesn’t mean our studies end there. You can still dive deeper yet into your determined core personality type, wings and subtype by venturing into what is referred to as levels of development.

In 1977 Don Riso discovered and started developing what is today known as the nine levels of development that are the internal structures that make up the personality type itself. In other words what Don Riso teaches is that you have an internal structure which constitutes the core personality you have. Within this internal structures are layers and depending on your level, a certain behavioral demonstration of your personality type will become pronounced. The range is very wide stretching from healthy, average and all the way to the lower unhealthy levels.

This discovery was further enhanced by Don Riso and Russ Hudson in the 1990s. They are the only Enneagram teachers to include this internal structure in their teachings of the Enneagram.  

They developed these nine levels of development to offer a "skeletal" structure of each type, which can be very useful for therapists, counselors and other medical professions working with a client.

It can also be very useful to you when you are trying to understand another person. By learning more about the nine levels of development within their personality type and where they are along that continuum of levels at a given time, you can be able to understand whether the person is functioning within the healthy, average or unhealthy range and support them accordingly. There are other books available online by Don Riso but I specifically encourage you to check out the Wisdom of the Enneagram if you feel ready to dive into greater details of your core personality.

This isn’t a requirement. You can be able to rapidly improve your work, relationships health and overall lifestyle with the information shared in this book alone. So if you’re not looking to be an expert at this, fret not. You already have all the necessary knowledge to enhance your capacity for self-reflection and higher awareness. The rest will naturally unfold as you continue to work on understanding yourself and improving the areas of weakness that come to your conscious awareness.

Now that you have taken the first few steps forward, there's no going back. Your work, relationships and how you perceive yourself can never be the same again. If you've done the inner work, you'll have a better chance at controlling yourself in whatever environment or situation you end up in. You'll also have more confidence planning for your future goals. Having this inner and outer balance is what you need to thrive as your true self in our modern world. Now that you better understand and have the tool go forth and cultivate the quality of life you've always desired!

Chapter 10: The Universal growth and spiritual development Process, personal and professional with Enneagram

On this Enneagram journey, we’ve talked about different aspects of the system and discovered ways you can apply them to improve your career and relationships. Along with using your Enneagram knowledge in practical ways, you may also be interested in applying it on a deeper level. There are many ways you can use the Enneagram to notice and change unhelpful habits, build resilience, and craft a more balanced, happier life for yourself.  

The Enneagram and Growth

Some people new to the Enneagram mistakenly believe that once they discover their type, they have exhausted the system’s usefulness. While it can be tempting to feel like we’re “finished” after learning our type, there’s more to it than that. Besides, if we learn our own personality type without using that knowledge to work on ourselves, we won’t grow. By working on ourselves, we’re able to find freedom from our ingrained habits and patterns.

The Enneagram is a uniquely useful tool for growth and change because it delves deeply into our core motivations. While other well-known personality typologies do an excellent job measuring and explaining human behaviors and personality traits, the Enneagram describes us at a deeper level. It explains why we act in certain ways. Seeing what drives our behavior allows us to examine our deeply held beliefs, attitudes, and choices, offering a level of insight that’s hard to reach without this kind of road map.

The Enneagram also brings amazing breadth and depth to personal development. When used correctly, as a dynamic system for change rather than as a means of stereotyping and judging, it describes the full range of our behaviors. Along with the insights we get from learning our primary Enneagram type, we gain additional wisdom about ourselves when we learn about our connections to other types through wings, Stress Points, and Security Points.  

Regardless of cultural background and life experiences, the core psychological structure of our Enneagram type remains consistent. This makes the Enneagram a growth tool that works for all demographics and can facilitate understanding between them. You can be any race, gender, socioeconomic status, and religion, and still benefit from the Enneagram. All that’s needed is a desire to grow.

The Enneagram is a great tool for facilitating change. What’s just as important is the fact that the self-awareness Enneagram work brings is a doorway to self-acceptance. Many people describe feeling a sense of relief when they find their Enneagram type. Most of us feel a great sense of reassurance when we finally gain an explanation for why we keep getting caught in the same traps. Through the Enneagram, not only do we learn that our personalities challenges aren’t our fault, we also get glimpses of our greatest possibilities and gifts. We stop blaming ourselves for our shortcomings and see the beauty in our true selves. We begin to love ourselves for exactly who we are.

Living with Accountability

We are all works in progress. Some areas of life are easy for us, while other domains present obstacles. We have many traits and habits that we’re conscious of, and others that are hard for us to see. The Enneagram empowers us to get more in touch with our internal states, desires, and needs. If you’re looking to use the Enneagram to create positive change in your life, one of the keys to doing this is knowing yourself and becoming accountable to yourself.

As you learn about your type, look out for desires and motivations that you’ve been discounting in yourself. For example, are you a people person working in a field with little interpersonal interaction? Do you want more power or visibility, but hold yourself back from pursuing these things in a satisfying way? Due to various forms of cultural conditioning, many of us write off important parts of ourselves because they’re “inappropriate,” “undesirable,” “too much” this, or “not enough” of that. When we do this, we deny the gifts that we could bring into the world. We can only bring balance into our lives if we accept the people we are in the first place, and make choices that fit our personality’s needs. Listen to your type’s desire for integrity, clarity, harmony, or whatever is at the core, and look for healthy ways to let it guide you.

Just as we deny some of our gifts, we also tend to overlook our own unhelpful habits. Take an honest look at the descriptions of your type’s average and unhealthy sides. Which tendencies do you see in yourself? Take a day to observe your Enneagram patterns at work. Notice whenever you’re acting out your type habits in a way that’s detrimental. As you think and act, the inner observer takes everything in. It brings critical distance and the ability to pause, rethink, and change your usual way of doing things. The more you flex the muscles of the inner observer, the more control you will have over your habits and the more conscious choices you will make.

Living in harmony with your type’s motivations and developing an inner observer are ways of being accountable to yourself. However, it’s challenging to do these things alone. The path to personal growth gets much easier when you enlist some traveling companions. It’s helpful to have a partner, family member, or friend (or more than one) to do Enneagram work with. Together, you can candidly talk type, call each other out when needed, and support each other’s efforts to live with accountability. It’s even more supportive to find a community of people committed to personal growth. Some people find this in religious or spiritual groups, or in groups focused on a specific practice. These bring support, community, alternative perspectives, and a place to focus on yourself. Seek out a group that meets regularly one you can be open with and whose principles you find supportive. Seeking a mix of personal connections and a wider group context oriented to growth brings guidance and support as you connect with yourself and move forward.

Recognizing and changing bad habits  

Let’s get back to the inner observer for a minute. It’s a tricky thing to develop because we’re used to acting out our habits rather than noticing them. All of us live our daily lives as creatures of our habits, from our morning coffee, to our work schedules, all the way down to our preferred bedtime. Our habits are external, what we do in our daily lives, and internal, as driven by our personalities. Our egos dictate our habitual inner self-talk, driven by our personality type and personal life experiences. This self-talk is largely unconscious, and when we react to this talk instead of cultivating an awareness of the immediate world around us, it’s harder to make the right choices to support our own lives.

As you begin paying attention to these daily habits, the things you do when you aren’t making deliberate choices, you’ll hear self-talk in the back of your mind. As with your habits, this dialogue has probably been following you around all your life without you paying much attention to it. It sounds like the voice of “the way things are.” Listen to it without judgment, bringing gentleness and curiosity. While your own personal dialogue will be unique, here are some common themes that appear in the unconscious talk of each type:

●                   Type One: Ones have strong inner critics, and their internal voice can sound particularly parental. There’s a strong sense of responsibility, and of things that they “must” do in order to be a good person. Ones are driven to act in the world largely based on this heavy internal dialogue of inner criticism.

●                   Type Two: The Two inner voice often speaks about other people the Two is in relationship with. Twos will focus on the “other”—what that person needs, and how to provide support. This encourages Twos to provide acts of services, in the hope that true love will come from their efforts.

●                   Type Three: Threes unconsciously are always looking for ways they can be the best at whatever they’re doing. They hear their family’s voice: specifically, what they perceived their family wanted them to do to be successful. This causes them to go out and achieve in ways they believe will make them valuable.

●                   Type Four: After taking action or having intimate conversations, Fours will instantly check in with how they’re doing emotionally. The current feelings get absorbed into the Four’s internal self-image. Fours will then react based on their most current self-perception, which frequently involves negative comparisons or idealization.

●                   Type Five: A Five’s inner dialogue will always be looking for ways they can learn or know more about a subject or situation, usually in great depth. By continuing to dig deeper and deeper for knowledge, Fives hope that they will finally feel like they know enough to confidently take action in the world.

●                   Type Six: Russ Hudson describes the Six inner voice as being like a pendulum: anxiously swinging from place to place, looking for a true source of safety, security, and guidance. Their anxiety-producing inner dialogue causes them to look outside of themselves for a stable, reassuring place of security.

●                   Type Seven: A Seven’s self-talk is often extremely positive, seeking out the next fun, exciting source of stimulation. A Seven’s thoughts commonly move rapidly, looking for satisfaction and fulfillment from a wide variety of sources. They react by going out into the world and looking for new ways to find happiness.

●                   Type Eight: The habitual dialogue of Eights gets bigger and bigger: looking to sound bolder, stronger, and more confident with each thought. By creating dialogue that’s full of confidence and bluster, Eights are trying to drown out the voices of sensitivity and doubt, and the fear they aren’t strong enough.

●                   Type Nine: Nines talk to themselves in a way that’s relatively positive (“I’m okay, you’re okay”), but can also feel secretly resigned to the way things are. They’ll imagine what is nice in their present lives. This kind of talk keeps them in a bubble of internal comfort, stopping them from taking possibly earth-rattling risks.

The first step to changing your inner habits is just being aware of what they are. Through awareness, you can make a conscious effort to introduce different self-talk that slowly changes your internalized beliefs. This kind of change takes time: you’ve been doing your type’s patterns for years, after all, and research shows it typically takes a couple of months to change any habit.  

Chapter 11:  Enneatypes in the Workplace

The path to spiritual growth, bluntly put, can be brutal and grueling. Not only is it difficult to know how to get started, but it also seems impossible for most to keep on that path toward their own benefit, their own success, their own greatness. It's difficult to stay determined, most definitely, as it is with everything and all kinds of commitment in life. However, with the help of some simple mechanisms, cheats, and the support of the people around you, taking that road and sticking to it is nowhere near impossible.  

Of course, how people recover from trauma and move forward in life toward their most ideal versions of themselves depends heavily on the individual, their personality, their determination to change, and many other factors which vary massively from person to person. Keeping this in mind, it's sometimes actually fairly important to mind your personality type. Not just in the way you act and behave, but under the surface as well. Whether that be analyzing your test results on various reputable personality tests, or whatever method you individually see fit, understanding the deeper side of yourself—your motivations, your aspirations, the reasons behind your bad habits and your flaws—can and will help you take the first step forward into becoming a better person. This also helps you to learn love yourself and gives spiritually healing your mind, body, and soul.  

To better heal, the first and most important step is often to understand ourselves better. To understand the mind of someone else, you must first have at least a general understanding of the inner workings of your own mind. This helps you to be able to project the observations about yourself onto someone else. Although there's much individuality when it comes to personality, it should be dually noted that in addition to all of these differences, there are also a number of similarities which join us together.  

  These similarities promote a sense of togetherness and camaraderie, and can sometimes help build empathy between people. After all, it isn't out diversity which helps us understand our common ground and forge relationships with others. It's those similarities which bind us together, as a group and as the human race. Because many of those similarities exist on the internal level, below the surface of most of the human psyche, we have to dig a little deeper to understand ourselves better, so that we can better understand others as well. After all, the motivations of others behind the scenes and behind their actions are often also our own motivations for the path in life we choose, and the roads of those paths which we walk as a result of those choices.  

Although we have many similarities and as a result, many of the ways to spiritually heal yourself will work to a certain extent for everyone and any personality type—we have many subtle differences which make how we learn, how we process information, and how we cope with trauma and the daily stresses of life, intrinsically different from that of our peers; The way we heal in our minds and in our hearts is bound to at least be slightly different from the methods of those around us. The way our friends, our families, our spouses, is often going to be at least slightly different from what works best for us. Of course, using the methods of your loved ones or if anyone will guarantee you at least some success, depending on the situation and the exact method, but there are certain methods which will work the best for you, and not the best for your loved ones. However, they are tailored specifically to certain personality types and tendencies within those personality types.

Not all Type 1s are like, and nor are all Type 7s. Even within these groups and categories we make for ourselves, there are many ways that individuals that exist within those groups can manifest their individuality. Because we all choose to manifest that sense of individuality a bit differently from each other, the method that is tailored to your enneagram type may not necessarily be the one that works best for you. Keep this in mind as you read forward your personality type by any measure, the Enneagram model included, is no way to define yourself or your personality truly.  

There are many different kinds of people who may have different motivations and different temperaments from one another who may actually be the same Enneagram type. In no way does this speak to the individuality of the people within the personality types, or lack thereof. It's an inescapable thing that a broad range of descriptions won't apply to every single person who falls under a certain name or type number.  

With this in mind, let’s move on into the lists of recommended methods to get started or stay determined on your path to spiritual healing, fulfillment, and bettering your life experience, depending on your personality type.

Introverts, don’t push yourselves socially types like 4 and 9, the romantic and the dreamer with their head in the clouds, aren't the type who will constantly be engaging in a social activity. They usually aren't party animals or people who will actively search for a way to fulfill themselves socially or emotionally through interaction with their peers. That's absolutely ok! Not only are you the kind of person who doesn't need to be validated in this way, but trying to force yourself to be an extravert and push yourself to be someone who is constantly engaging in potentially dangerous activities simply for the sake of feeling like you're helping yourself, is the exact opposite. Not only is doing this going against your nature, but it's usually something that's exhausting for a lot of introverts, and it can even be physically unhealthy and dangerous for an introverted type like 4 or 9.  

If you identify as one of these types or are otherwise a person who feels as though they’re a very introverted person, don’t neglect that fact! Nurture your introversions and engage in activities which aren’t too demanding of your physically or emotionally. Of course, if you feel like you’re holding yourself back from doing extraverted things and don’t feel exhausted because doing extraverted things is uninteresting, but because your sense of social anxiety is holding you back, this is a different matter entirely. If you feel as though you may actually be someone who wants to do things like this and go to parties and that those extraverted activities may actually suit you more, it may just be a matter of anxiety or nervousness. Combatting this anxiety is something that must be taken slowly and carefully. This is another matter in which you can’t overwork yourself or go too hard, too quickly. Anxiety is something that must be nurtured and gently disposed of.  

Trying to violently or harshly dispel the nervous tendencies of an anxious person is more likely to simply cause them to revert back to a person afraid of their own shadow, crippled by the idea of being looked down upon or seen as too awkward by other people at a social function. If you're someone who struggles with courage or the self-esteem needed to pursue those interests and engage yourself in unfamiliar functions or social circles, you aren't alone. Be gentle with yourself and congratulate yourself on even what seems like the smallest and most insignificant victories on your path to becoming the person you most want to be.

Remember that the best things take time and that the fruit which is the ripest, is the hardest to be plucked.

For Type 4: The romantic who feels as though being different is the key to success. Here’s a secret I’ve learned over the years; sometimes, trying to be unique can be the downfall of both a business and a person. Being different in a way that doesn’t come naturally will only decrease your chances of success, and there’s a big difference between being yourself and trying too hard to appeal to others. There’s a strange kind of irony in your venture to be different so that you can escape the feeling that you’re trying to get the attention and praise of others. In that venture, you’re also trying to get the attention and the praise of other people who have pioneered their way through the world in their originality and their different perspective of the world. You want to be like them, and it’s because of that desire to be recognized, to be seen, that you’re tempted to try so hard to break the “status quo” and break apart from a majority you might look down upon.   

Consider something else about that majority while you're at it; the majority that you might be looking down your nose at is probably more right than you are. Of course, it's never an especially accurate creed to always follow the crowd, but vowing to follow that crowd instead never at all, may actually be an even worse idea. After all, the effect that one person has to influence an entire crowd isn't infinite. There's a reason, and usually a good reason, that something becomes popular. Of course, there will always be cult classic movies and hidden gems of the media, but not everything that the majority of people enjoy is bad. This simply is because it's popular, and not everything you deem "underrated," because it's not well liked, is actually objectively good enough to be considered underrated by most other people, critics of that media included. While we’re on the subject, a healthy amount of criticism of others is healthy, but taking it too far will result in conflict and poor relationships.  

Speaking your mind is important, but not being willing to compromise with others, or to empathize with others, is even more important to work with others in society. Unfortunately for you, living off the grid in total seclusion likely isn't an option so I wouldn't recommend it. Learning to cooperate, collaborate, listen to the opinions or others, and take those opinions to mean equal value to you like yours, will help you become not only a happier person but a kinder and a wiser person as well.

To Type 1, the individual who can become obsessive, the things you are currently worrying about probably will not actually matter to you or to anyone else in a few years. To be concerned with something isn’t in any way bad or something that will negatively affect you in the short term. However, your obsessive tendencies can and will come back to bite you in the long run. Take some time for yourself and dedicate that time to loving yourself and taking care of yourself. You are the only person you’ve got to live as, so you might as well enjoy the life you are trying to live. There is more to life, and more to your happiness, than your efficiency and how much work you’ve done for yourself.   

Surely, your accomplishments in life so far are nothing to scoff at, and you're doing well for yourself in the literal sense, but what will those accomplishments mean when you feel yourself on the brink of departure from the earth? What will all the nights you could have spent resting, that you spent in the office or dedicating your being to work, mean at that moment when you look back? What it will mean, is that you've wasted a part of it. Of course, everyone will have different priorities in their lifetime, but the understanding that you are not meant to spend your entire life working until you keel over is universal, at least to most people. It's dangerous to your health, as well. There is, of course, nothing wrong objectively to educating yourself to your work or to your heart. However, there is something wrong when you become obsessive, constantly dedicating yourself to your work to please others, instead of for your own enjoyment.

It's there that lies the epitome of your fatal flaw, Type 1 you don't work as hard as you do so that you can be proud of those accomplishments and proud of your work. You work as hard, as desperately, and as obsessively as you do, so that you can attain the praise and the affirmations of the people you respect and live up to. Of course, that's nothing to be ashamed of in and of itself. However, having that as the sole or main purpose for your hard work isn't normal or healthy. That fixation on the validation of your boss or higher-ups are going to be your downfall, the reason you may look back at the end of your life and finally realize your mistake. That mistake can cost you weeks, months, years, decades of your livelihood and of your career. And that career will likely be successful, but not fulfilling. If, after a deep and long period of searching your soul for what you want to do, you determine that you truly do value your efficiency and your career achievements above your happiness and fulfillment, then the way you may be going right now is going to lead you to that exact destination. If, however, that's not the way you wish to go in life, be wary. Your obsessive tendencies can lead you down a dark and winding path that will surely lead you a place where you find it almost impossible to turn back from if you aren't careful and aware of yourself.

Take some time for yourself, whenever possible in between work and assignments you may have. Learn to do work for yourself, not for others. Ultimately, it’s you who will reap the emotional reward of the way you live your life, not your boss and not your teachers, your mothers or anyone else. It’s you alone who will have to deal with the melancholy and the regret, or with the acceptance and peace of what you did and why you did it. There are times when you will have to prioritize your work, but try not to make it a habit.  

Habitually making yourself and your health take the back seat to your work and productivity will ultimately lead to you suffering majorly because of those choices, both mentally and physically. Take care of yourself, as your future self is depending on you to do so. You are the most precious cargo you have.

To Type 3, the performer who might not know when to quit. You are the spotlight of your life. You are the main actor, the star of your stage. You are not, however, the same star to others as you are to yourself. You are bound to give bad performances, have botched lines, have to improve every now and then; it happens, it has happened, and it will most certainly happen again. You're going to have to get used to it now before you let the fear that comes with the prospect of making a mistake on stage swallow you up a whole. You're a performer, an achiever who knows what it's like to struggle in the face of adversity. Remember that your performances, the you that you are on stage, is not the "real you."  

Take care of yourself off stage, as all performances must come to an end. Come to terms with the fact that the person you become on your mental stage is little more than a façade. Although it's a coping mechanism, one that isn't necessarily unhealthy, the danger arises when you begin to lose the recognition of what is a performance and what is truly you, what is truly happening around you and what is happening in the play of your life. Remember to come back down off the stage every now and again, because the stage will be there for you when you get back.

When we develop a coping mechanism that works for us, we allow it to act as our crutch and are then hesitant to get off of it. We sometimes are tempted to let that mechanism that crutch consume us and take us over. We don't know what's too much, how much we can rely on that crutch before we give up, or dive all in. Learn to rely on people, the ones around you who love you and care about you, instead of on your stage. When you feel you need it, the stage will always be there for you to climb back onto, but try to stay off it when you don't need it. Being an entertainer your entire life but never stopping to watch and take in experiences simply can be a miserable existence. It makes you stop enjoying your life and only allows you to focus on making other people enjoy their experience. It's somehow selfish and selfless as the exact same time. When you're on the stage, remember that you are more of a person outside that stage than you are when you're on it, delivering your best lines and giving the best punchlines. You are not an actor or a performer only.

Try not to become a caricature of yourself, lest you lose your sense of identity and simply melt into that performer identity. Losing your sense of self can be a very scary thing, so make sure you check on it regularly. Remember above all else that you are a person before you are a performer.

To Type 2, the one who gives to receive, you are not liable to the reaction of whomever you aid or give to. You are not obligated to anything when you help another person—that is the concept of helping. You aid someone else out of the goodness and the kindness of your own heart, not so that you can gain something in return.  

Whether that something is in the form of a reward or affection, you are in no way entitled to anything in return when you do a good thing for someone else. The other person will likely want to return the favor but learn not to expect it from everyone. Expecting a reward for a good deed will only encourage your selfish temptations and want you to help only out of concern for yourself and your wants, not the wants and needs of others.

In addition, try to stop yourself from accepting any affection that comes your way. It will seem tempting, and the person may have the best of intentions, but try to learn not to rely too heavily on the people around you for affection. The most satisfying love you can have is the love that is given and received by you. Any polite cordiality you receive from someone you have given to is likely not expressing their genuine love for you, they simply want to repay you.  

Understanding the difference between the infatuation you feel for people and true, genuine love, will be the thing that saves you from potentially dangerous situations and harmful relationships. Those relationships may seem beneficial to both parties when they begin, but they usually end up becoming something significantly more sinister than what you may have originally thought. They may end up being someone who wants to use you for their own needs, neglects even abuses you, or simply someone who you thought you were going to click with because you wanted to receive affection from them and failed to see that you simply weren't compatible beyond the mutual loneliness shared between the two of you. That aside, you know that to receive affection from others, you have to be upfront about your feelings and why you want affection from them. To have love given to you, you have to make the person you want that love from understanding how, why, and in what form you want that love.

There are people in your life who are more than willing to give you all the love you could ever want or need in the world, but no one is a mind reader; you have to be the person who reaches out and makes the first move so that the other person can exactly understand what you want from them and why. So, in your everyday life, practice the skills you feel you need to accomplish that growth in your confidence by forcing yourself to be upfront about even little things.

If that results in you eventually giving less and helping fewer people, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It means that when you were giving and helping others in excess, you were predominantly doing so in the hopes that you could receive their love and affection in return, an unhealthy and not specifically moral reason for helping others.

You are not someone who is cruel; however, you have the heart of someone who wants to help others. Don't let that desire to help clash and overlap with your desire to be loved.

For Type 8, or someone who can develop a hero complex, you are not the chivalrous hero you might think you are. No matter how much you help people and "rescue" them from what you perceive perilous situations, don't misread a situation and become involved when you don't need to be, or really shouldn't be in the first place. To be honest, you're often better off taking a back seat to the people you think you're helping. You don't need to help people as often as you might think you do, because people aren't as reliant on you as you think.  

Most of the people you surround yourself with can take care of themselves quite aptly, and don't need your help to survive in the world. You aren't a necessity, but the desired companion. The relationships you build with others has to be a relationship in which both parties respect each other equally, or else the relationship will cease to be a friendship, and will instead become a relationship where you treat the other person as someone who needs you to live. Remember that the world goes on without you and that the people you want to protect can live and protect themselves.

Although your help is usually appreciated, make sure that you aren’t becoming overly confident and protecting someone else when you don’t need to, lest you just make the scenario worse for both you and the person you want so badly to protect. The people you care for and who care for you understand that you do all of this out of goodwill and the desire to be someone who can help others while asking for nothing in return. The desire to be a hero is universal and relatable to most everyone of all walks of life. It’s admirable to want to help others selflessly, but don’t mistake your desire to help for your desire to be recognized and rewarded for your actions. Just because you are helping others, doesn’t mean that they necessarily wanted your help, or really needed it to begin with.  

Learn to humanize yourself and treat yourself and your loved ones as total equals. By doing this and empathizing, you become someone who more passionately defends others when it really counts, instead of simply rushing in whenever someone looks like they might not be able to handle a situation on their own. After all, some people may not like being catered to and defended without being consulted—they feel as though you don’t trust them to be able to protect and defend themselves, and may feel as though you think of them as someone who is weak and in desperate need of someone else to protect them from the world around them. This can easily result in relationships being strained, something to avoid for a personality such as yours where you depend on the people around you to be there.  

You thrive off of the thrill of being able to fight for someone’s honor, Type 8, but remember to come back down to earth and recognize the world and the people around you, so you don’t accidentally offend and hurt one of the people you so badly want to defend. Although you act purely out of benevolence and courage, that fighting spirit can sometimes be interpreted as malice or something malevolent. It would do you a lot of good to take the time to humanize your perspective and realize you also have things about yourself that you can improve upon throughout your life.

For Type 6, who can become a coward, you are the only person who knows what to do. You are the only person on Earth who exactly knows what you are thinking at any point in time. The people you rely on now will not always be there to support you and help you and guide you through your indecisiveness. There is a harsh reality in this realization, but it's a realization that must be had if you want to ever improve in your life.  

If you dare to live your life constantly using the people around you as a crutch, you will live your life as someone who exists out of their own body. In a sense, it will cease even to be your life at all. You will have, in a sense, lost your identity and your sense of self. After losing this, what will you do when that person who you treat as a crutch abandons you, or you're in a situation where they aren't there to help you? What could you think to do then, when you've been spoiled so much emotionally that you never had to give your own decisions, your own personality, more than a fleeting thought at times? Relying on others is bound to be your downfall, and you know it, Type 6.  

You understand that this behavior can be unhealthy for both you and the person you rely so heavily on upon, but you might find yourself in the sense of denial. You don't want to face reality, that you may have already begun to lose a sense of identity and personality that may have once been very clear to you. There are ways you can get it back and keep it for good, but they aren't easy.

The hardest habit to break for you, the loyalist, is going to be the process of letting go of your crutch or crutches. Of course, you don't have actually to let go of those people entirely, but you have to stop relying so heavily on them for everything. Your tendency to latch onto things and not let go is going to bring both you and them down at some point. Someday, you will be faced with a decision, and you will not have had the proper experience you need to deal with making that decision.

Start improving your decision-making skills now by making your own decisions every day. Whether it be your order at a restaurant, or forcing yourself to have a conversation on the phone with someone you may not have spoken to recently, you need to force yourself to make those tiny but meaningful decisions as often as possible.

For Types 5 and 7, who may become obsessed with control, you are, someday, going to be faced with a situation wherein there will be a totally unexpected variable. This is something that, ultimately, is unavoidable. You have to learn that there's simply no way you could ever hope to gain total control over your environment. It isn't the situation which judges your character, but how you react to unprecedented circumstances. Truly, what you do in the face of chaos is what will define your character. Learn to expect the unexpected, and prepare as much as you see fit for whatever you think is necessary to be prepared for. Beyond that, there's little you can do aside from watch and wait. You can predict, of course, but your prediction will only get you so far.  

In the face of chaos, understand that to have total mastery of your situation is totally impossible and that the sooner you come to terms with that, the happier you are going to be in the situation where something occurred that was unexpected. In addition, every unknown element is a possible learning opportunity. Whether it takes the form of something you thought you knew about something you were studying that, it turns out, was totally unknown to you after all, or a surprising aspect that ruins your plans for the day, anything that comes up in the way of your everyday life that seems to only be there to ruin your day or your plans, is really a learning opportunity in disguise, is treated the right way. Keep in mind that being flexible and adaptable is more important than being perfect, types 5 and 7!

You have different experiences and different personalities all together, although usually there will be more broad similarities than differences. Keeping that in mind, you are unique to the entire world comparable to everyone else, in your enneagram type or not.   

You know different things, and you don't know different things. You are bound to know many things that will help you and be ignorant of other important pieces of advice. This is why humans work best in groups—they can rely on one another to complement each other's' strengths and weaknesses, build each other up, and together form a more perfect example of a human than what one person would have amounted to all on their own. Of course, there are many other things into consideration when moving toward spiritual growth. The most important thing to keep in mind maybe this; keep going. You are more than the sum of your parts, and it's going to be worth it, so keep going. Always keep going.

Having read this far, there's no denying the model of the Enneagram is both simple and profoundly complex just like people.  

In fact, all you need to get started on your self-discovery is to take a test to learn your type in the nine-point system and figure out your subtype, then you can be well on your way to great revelations about your behavior, strengths and how to grow.  

The good news is the more you understand why you do what you do, the easier it will become to start understanding others even if you don't necessarily know their personality type and character variation. At the very least, you will have a fresh new lens from which to interact with and understand those you encounter in your daily life. That is the power of the Enneagram of Personality.

Passed on for generations from ancient times to these modern times, this system can become a handy tool for your personal growth, conflict resolution, and even character development.

Are there areas in your life you've been struggling with?

Do you have relationships that give you heartburn because you just can't seem to make them work the way you feel they should be working? Are there people in your workplace or at home you can't see eye to eye yet you know you must find a way to just get along due to the commitments held?  

Is it your body that just doesn't seem to be listening to you or responding positively to anything you try?

Maybe it's the undercurrent of anger or fear or shame that you've been battling with secretly yet never quite understood.

All these issues can be improved upon with the use of this tool.

Now that you have the context on the purpose and origin of both the ancient Enneagram symbol as we know it, it's time to take our attention from the basic history to the actual system so you can start seeing the value it can bring to the development of your life.

When attempting to understand and study human behavior, there are various approaches one can use. Most of them involve diagnosing pathological behaviors, and while this is important, it's certainly not a very holistic approach and does not consider human behavior in its entirety.

What the Enneagram is meant to do is offer a more holistic roadmap and a precise language to help you understand and express what you discover about yourself and others.

Regardless of the creator of the nine-point system, we know the twenty-first-century Enneagram has evolved over the years. The detailed typing system needed to grow and factor in the psychological discoveries we've made in the modern world if it was to remain relevant.

It is our job to remember that the purpose of this tool isn't to label and categorize others or ourselves into certain fixed states. Instead, it's about opening you up to recognize the main behavioral patterns people tend to fall into, understanding that each individual can exhibit any one of these personality traits more dominant than the other characteristics depending on their present state of being, environment and how self-aware they are.

To better understand the Enneagram of Personality tool, we need to consider how the mind works. The mind wants to be strategic about handling and navigating life so you can best survive whatever comes your way. The nine-pointed system of the Enneagram is said to be the nine distinct and unique qualities that all human beings possess as special characteristics to help an individual navigate life (including trauma).  

Your Enneagram type is the navigational tool that's with you all the time secretly influencing your behavior, perceptions, and reactions in ways you may not always predict. The more you can understand your Enneagram type, the greater insight you'll have about yourself and your habitual patterns of thought because you'll recognize there's one primary way that you perceive and react to things demonstrating your dominant Enneagram personality. This will enable you to make an informed decision on whether or not you would like to activate other characters that you feel are better suited to the kind of individual you aspire to be.  

It will also help you better discern between the real self and the ego-self in you. It's a subtle yet complex system, but it doesn't need to overwhelm or confuse you. As we hit the core of this book and uncover this nine-pointed system, take a moment to pause in between the type description to see which ones resonate with you.

Conclusion

Throughout this book, we’ve covered some basics of the Enneagram theory. Once you discover your type, you uncover previously hidden motivations behind your behavior. You come face to face with what you want, unearth the ineffective strategies that your ego uses to chase that desire, and start to think about ways to fulfill this craving that are different from your ordinary habits. The journey is both sobering and illuminating.

We encourage you to continue your Enneagram journey beyond these pages. This book is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the insights the Enneagram has to offer. Take your time learning about the nine personality types and finding your own.  

The more you learn about the Enneagram, the deeper your understanding, and the more tools you will have at your disposal for navigating the highs and lows of life. It’s hard to go back once you’ve seen your patterns and motivations clearly. Your misconceptions about who you are fall away and a new, more deliberate way of living becomes possible.

According to many experts in the field of spirituality and in the Enneagram model more specifically, there are up to 27 ways that a person can manifest their energy according to the model, for every one of the 9 base types there are also the 3 instinctual subtypes, which can all be more dominant or more submissive to one another. For example, a type 1 may have a very dominant sense of self-preservation, but a very weak sense of intimacy, another term used to describe a base type's sense of one-on-one interaction, or their ability to reproduce and/or succeed in individual interaction.

In further addition to all these other aspects of the Enneagram model and its tests, there are also what are called “wing types” for every Enneagram type. For each of the original 9 types under the traditional Enneagram model, which are often referred to as the “base type” of that person, there are usually often many characteristics which that person shares with the personality types that are directly adjacent to them on the scale. Where a type 2 might be the base type for an individual, they may actually show more combined traits from their wing types, type 1 and type 3. These traits of the wings of the Enneagram, as well as the base type itself, come together to make an entire individual.  

There are many other factors that contribute to the specific type of reading that can come from any person in particular, but for the sake of simplicity as well as keeping the proper information within proper boundaries we will, at least for right now, stick with only the information of the things that can affect an Enneagram reading that has been given as of right now.

So, now that we’ve covered the basics of what taking an Enneagram test might actually email for anyone taking it, and what their results may mean, what does it all actually mean when fitted together and applied to the real world? What are Enneagrams used for things outside the hypothetical, outside humans’ strange and irrefutable drive to understand ourselves better at any and all cost to us?

Not only the Enneagram model and its tests that go along with it, but all personality tests lend anyone and everyone a hand in discovering more about themselves and about others. These kinds of personality examinations can also help us better understand who we are most compatible within a platonic and a romantic sense, as well as helping us to comprehend and better apply who we are less likely to get along within both of these contexts. That being said, none of these things are set in stone, no matter how reputable the test you are taking might make itself out to be.

Although Enneagrams and many other types of personality tests can sometimes be genuine and reliable sources of information in guiding us to answers about ourselves, they act as just that; guides. They are in no way meant to direct anyone to answers about themselves that are irrefutable. What you understand about yourself and where you go with that information that you find, is entirely up to you. You can read as many possible clues into the source of some of your mannerisms whether they rely on concepts like the Enneagram model or not and choose for yourself whether you actually want to act on those clues or not. If you feel they don't apply to you, no test will ever force you to believe its hypotheses.

No one and nothing in the world can ever truly understand you as well or as specifically as you understand yourself. Even if you, at any point in time and for any reason, feel as though you are at a loss to understand yourself, personality tests and guides of that variety are only there to give you a general understanding of your personality, the same amount that could be gauged by a conversation you had with a stranger, or by someone you’ve only known for a week. They can never truly glean that much into the depths of your personality, your motivations for feelings of actions, or any specifics as to any other facet of your personality. The only person who can make those estimations and perform those social experiments to check, is you, for only you have the power to see within your own soul.

However, before Enneagrams were modernized and adapted so that they could be used more easily as personality indicators, they were used in a notably more spiritual context. Even looking at many of the titles that have been published be credited doctors and other professionals that surround themselves in the idea of the Enneagram and how it can best benefit anyone and everyone's life, we see that many experts in the Enneagram model present it as an opportunity not only for a deeper understanding of self in a literal context but also in a highly sacred and often very spiritual sense.  

Not only this, but looking at things that have been written and published about the Enneagram model as we now know it, it's often stated as though the Enneagram is something that brought meaning, in a religious or otherwise spiritual context, to the author's life or to the lives of any individuals that the author has brought into the monologue of that work for whatever reason.

At any rate, the Enneagram is something that has brought a lot of meaning to almost everyone who has come into contact within and dived right in, so to speak. So, what is it about the Enneagram model that makes it so attractive to authors and to people who are devout spiritualists and followers of religion? What about it, spiritually, sets it so far apart from its other majorly popular personality test counterparts?

  Although the Enneagram as we know it is no longer used explicitly for followers of the Christian faith, that's a large part of what the Enneagram model was originally meant for. From its noted creator to the Chilean researcher who helped mold it into something much closer to the shape of what we know can recognize as the Enneagram model of personality types, the Enneagram model was almost destined from its very creation to most always be used in a spiritual way. This spirituality is even reflected in the very structure of the model as we recognize it I it's more modern form.  

The Enneagram model, as we know it today, is composed of three basic parts of its structure;

The outermost circle of the model, which symbolizes in many religions, and generally for most people, a unity of many different groups. In this case, the circle is outside all other comparisons being drawn between different personality types and kinds of people. The bond between all kinds of people, between every single one of the Enneagram types, is shown to be more important than any implied compatibility between certain types, or lack thereof.  

An equilateral triangle which connects Enneagram types 3, 6, and 9. This inner triangle is shown in many spiritual contexts to stand for the "law of 3", which is most often reflected in Christianity. Think of the last time you watched a horror movie where a home or family was being haunted by a demonic entity, and someone was scratched with 3 claw marks. Those claw marks were a direct mockery of the glorified Holy Trinity in Christianity, of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. Of course, in the context of the triangle in the Enneagram model, the 3 is not being mocked, but rather acknowledged or in some cases, celebrated. This 3 now represents law and order, the proper placement of things and distribution of power among the scale of the Enneagram model.   

An irregularly shaped hexagonal figure - As opposed to the triangle, which unites under the law of 3, the hexagon unites under a similar law, but a law of seven as opposed to one of three. In numerology, seven is a blessed, supremely lucky, and otherwise very prosperous number. Anyone who is constantly seeing the number in their life is thought to be someone who is very lucky and is destined to be successful in life. Therefore, it is a number which is prominent in the modern model of the Enneagram personality types.  

It's now easy to see why the Enneagram, both in meaning and in literal structure, is such a spiritually driving force in many people's lives, whether they are retired grandparents or doctors who are professionals in their fields. Not only is it something that contributes majorly to our spirituality—majorly to Christianity, specifically in the US—but it acts as a kind of joining force, something that bonds those who have their spirituality in common together. Of course, something like this that draws similar people together in a benevolent way is something to be celebrated, especially in this time of neglecting our feelings and the feelings of those around us in exchange for money, success, fame, or a number of any other things which have raptly grabbed the attention of many people as opposed to spirituality. In the next chapter, we'll focus on what makes up the many facets of these things that draw people to the Enneagram tests—aspects of the personality, functional and dysfunctional personas, and how we integrate our understanding of the individual personality into our understanding of the Enneagram and of the people who believe in it.